1 00:00:01,398 --> 00:00:05,319 OK, I don't know about you guys, but I say we leave this miserable shirthole. 2 00:00:05,361 --> 00:00:07,238 No, wait, wait. Not so fast. 3 00:00:07,279 --> 00:00:10,491 Now, getting to the Good Place is pretty tricky 4 00:00:10,533 --> 00:00:11,951 there's no train to catch. 5 00:00:12,201 --> 00:00:16,539 I have to design a complicated, unique transportation vehicle. 6 00:00:16,789 --> 00:00:17,957 Is it Optimus Prime? 7 00:00:18,207 --> 00:00:20,668 What? - I can't believe we get to ride a real-life 8 00:00:20,709 --> 00:00:22,503 Optimus Prime! I call right nipple! 9 00:00:22,545 --> 00:00:24,797 That's "Shotgun" on Optimus Prime. 10 00:00:24,838 --> 00:00:28,968 Look, this vehicle, which is decidedly not Optimus Prime... 11 00:00:29,009 --> 00:00:30,052 Aw! 12 00:00:30,094 --> 00:00:33,347 ...has never been built before. So, I'm gonna need a few days to do this. 13 00:00:33,389 --> 00:00:35,724 Dude, we just escaped by the skin of our teeth 14 00:00:35,766 --> 00:00:39,353 and any second now, Shawn is gonna realise that we are not at Mindy St Clair's. 15 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:42,940 So, whatever this magical Good Place-mobile is 16 00:00:42,982 --> 00:00:44,775 now's the time to whip it out, B! 17 00:00:44,817 --> 00:00:47,444 I agree. And although I believe I've asked you this question already... 18 00:00:47,486 --> 00:00:48,904 There is no "business class." 19 00:00:49,363 --> 00:00:50,823 Michael, they're right. We gotta go. 20 00:00:53,826 --> 00:00:55,160 Oh. Let's do... 21 00:00:55,619 --> 00:00:58,038 OK, here goes nothing. Janet, if you would? 22 00:00:58,455 --> 00:01:01,584 Aaaand presto! 23 00:01:02,209 --> 00:01:03,794 Oops. 24 00:01:04,295 --> 00:01:05,462 Forgot to log in first. 25 00:01:05,838 --> 00:01:08,090 Gotta answer my, uh... security question. 26 00:01:08,132 --> 00:01:10,759 "What was the name of your childhood pet?" 27 00:01:11,135 --> 00:01:13,012 Korzoff... the Ten-Headed... 28 00:01:13,429 --> 00:01:14,597 Dog-Spider. 29 00:01:14,638 --> 00:01:17,182 Aaaand presto! 30 00:01:19,643 --> 00:01:21,061 Dope! 31 00:01:21,645 --> 00:01:22,855 We did it, guys. 32 00:01:22,896 --> 00:01:23,772 We won. 33 00:01:23,856 --> 00:01:25,691 We're going to the Good Place. 34 00:01:25,733 --> 00:01:27,693 In a frickin' gold balloon! 35 00:01:27,735 --> 00:01:28,611 Shotgun! 36 00:01:28,652 --> 00:01:30,738 It's a hot air balloon, what does that even mean? 37 00:01:30,779 --> 00:01:34,325 Top of the balloon! Ultimate shotgun. 38 00:01:41,874 --> 00:01:43,751 Guys, just a reminder 39 00:01:43,792 --> 00:01:46,837 I have no idea what's going to happen once we actually 40 00:01:46,879 --> 00:01:48,589 reach the Good Place. 41 00:01:48,631 --> 00:01:52,509 You know, we're trying to slip in through a kind of side door 42 00:01:53,010 --> 00:01:54,386 and even if that works 43 00:01:54,803 --> 00:01:57,139 we have no way of knowing if they'll let us stay. 44 00:01:57,181 --> 00:01:59,475 Of course they'll let us stay - we're refugees. 45 00:01:59,516 --> 00:02:02,186 I mean, what kind of a messed-up place would turn away refugees? 46 00:02:02,227 --> 00:02:03,979 Quite agree. We should get a move on. 47 00:02:04,021 --> 00:02:06,857 Obviously, if I'd known we'd be ballooning, I would've worn a proper ballooning outfit 48 00:02:06,899 --> 00:02:08,734 but time is of the essence, so... 49 00:02:09,568 --> 00:02:11,862 Tahani. Yeah, no, no, don't. Don't touch that. 50 00:02:12,154 --> 00:02:13,280 It's probably locked. 51 00:02:13,530 --> 00:02:15,282 It's a very complicated control system. 52 00:02:15,324 --> 00:02:18,202 I may need a few minutes to get a handle on this. 53 00:02:19,411 --> 00:02:21,872 Why don't you all go say goodbye to the Neighbourhood? 54 00:02:21,914 --> 00:02:24,416 Oh, then I could change into a proper ballooning outfit! 55 00:02:24,458 --> 00:02:25,542 Oh, hurrah! 56 00:02:26,377 --> 00:02:27,670 Are you making fun of me? 57 00:02:27,836 --> 00:02:30,297 No, I legit wanna see you in that outfit. 58 00:02:30,381 --> 00:02:31,256 Oh! 59 00:02:36,345 --> 00:02:38,347 So many memories of this place - 60 00:02:38,389 --> 00:02:40,891 eating frozen yogurt and then having diarrhea 61 00:02:40,933 --> 00:02:42,559 and then eating more frozen yogurt 62 00:02:42,601 --> 00:02:43,811 and then more diarrhea. 63 00:02:44,311 --> 00:02:46,689 Maybe I should've realized this wasn't the Good Place 64 00:02:46,730 --> 00:02:47,940 because of all the diarrhea. 65 00:02:47,981 --> 00:02:50,567 Maybe you shouldn't be eating all that frozen yogurt right now. 66 00:02:50,943 --> 00:02:52,653 We're about to be on a balloon, man. 67 00:02:52,820 --> 00:02:54,947 What do you think our new home will be like? 68 00:02:54,988 --> 00:02:58,158 I'm picturing Hawaiian beach, unlimited Mai Tais 69 00:02:58,992 --> 00:03:00,077 and a phone! 70 00:03:00,536 --> 00:03:04,373 Ugh, I miss my phone so much. I bet I have so many texts. 71 00:03:04,415 --> 00:03:07,251 I just want us all to be together. Separate houses, obviously. 72 00:03:07,751 --> 00:03:08,794 Large lawns. 73 00:03:08,919 --> 00:03:10,671 I'd have a tasteful moat. 74 00:03:11,171 --> 00:03:15,259 I don't care where I live, as long as they have more of this frozen yogurt. 75 00:03:15,551 --> 00:03:16,719 Why? Why? 76 00:03:16,885 --> 00:03:18,971 An unlimited library 77 00:03:19,763 --> 00:03:21,849 all of my philosopher heroes walking around 78 00:03:21,890 --> 00:03:24,268 waiting to be engaged in rigorous intellectual debate. 79 00:03:24,309 --> 00:03:26,687 And I hope that library is air-conditioned 80 00:03:26,729 --> 00:03:29,606 because we are gonna be working up quite a sweat! 81 00:03:29,857 --> 00:03:31,150 Oh! And soulmates! 82 00:03:31,191 --> 00:03:32,401 I hope they're real. 83 00:03:33,610 --> 00:03:35,154 I mean... you know... 84 00:03:35,195 --> 00:03:36,488 for... for all of us. 85 00:03:36,864 --> 00:03:39,366 I mean, I hope everyone gets someone special. 86 00:03:39,408 --> 00:03:40,534 Uh, mm... 87 00:03:40,576 --> 00:03:43,162 Good news! We've got a handle on the controls. 88 00:03:43,537 --> 00:03:45,205 Who's ready to go ballooning? 89 00:03:45,414 --> 00:03:47,291 OK, I think we figured it out. 90 00:03:47,666 --> 00:03:51,336 I pieced together this design from a number of ancient manuscripts 91 00:03:51,378 --> 00:03:53,046 which Janet will now interpret for you. 92 00:03:53,338 --> 00:03:57,134 "The balloon will only transport those who have attained self-realisation." 93 00:03:57,259 --> 00:04:00,846 "Each traveler will step upon the scale, and her soul shall be weighed." 94 00:04:00,888 --> 00:04:04,308 "If she is the best version of herself, it will permit her to board." 95 00:04:04,516 --> 00:04:06,477 "If not, passage will be denied." 96 00:04:07,060 --> 00:04:07,936 Cool. 97 00:04:08,061 --> 00:04:09,188 Cool. Cool. 98 00:04:09,229 --> 00:04:10,105 We got this. 99 00:04:10,397 --> 00:04:14,485 I don't know about you guys, but I am definitely the best version of myself. 100 00:04:14,526 --> 00:04:18,530 I know a shirt-ton about ethics now, because I studied. 101 00:04:18,572 --> 00:04:23,160 And I read books, that weren't even written by the "Real Housewives." 102 00:04:23,535 --> 00:04:26,663 Relax, everyone. We're all gonna be fine. 103 00:04:31,668 --> 00:04:33,629 Oh, man, I didn't believe anything I was saying. I just... 104 00:04:33,670 --> 00:04:34,838 Whoo! In I go. 105 00:04:39,176 --> 00:04:41,136 Well, I mean... 106 00:04:47,309 --> 00:04:48,185 Oh, dip! 107 00:04:52,481 --> 00:04:53,857 Ah, nuts! 108 00:04:53,899 --> 00:04:54,775 It's OK! 109 00:04:54,817 --> 00:04:56,819 The pattern is "green-green-green-red." 110 00:04:56,860 --> 00:04:58,570 Remember that when it starts up again. 111 00:04:58,612 --> 00:04:59,738 I'm sorry, everyone. 112 00:04:59,780 --> 00:05:03,450 I just have some worries, as well as some concerns 113 00:05:03,492 --> 00:05:05,160 that could potentially turn into outright fears. 114 00:05:05,202 --> 00:05:07,037 Ah, there they go. Ah, they're... 115 00:05:07,079 --> 00:05:08,455 they're fears now. I'm scared. 116 00:05:08,497 --> 00:05:10,040 OK, I know this mood. 117 00:05:10,874 --> 00:05:12,751 Come with us, Doctor Freak-Out. 118 00:05:13,043 --> 00:05:15,963 That was a joke. We're actually very good friends. 119 00:05:16,171 --> 00:05:17,339 OK, here's the thing. 120 00:05:17,381 --> 00:05:21,844 That balloon wants us to be the best version of ourselves, but for the four of us 121 00:05:21,885 --> 00:05:23,053 that's not just a metaphor. 122 00:05:23,095 --> 00:05:26,682 It doesn't just mean, "are we the nicest that we've ever been?" or something 123 00:05:26,723 --> 00:05:29,268 although I am also worried about that. 124 00:05:29,309 --> 00:05:34,731 But the real issue here is that there have been literally 802 different versions of us! 125 00:05:34,773 --> 00:05:37,609 And how do I know that this version is the best version of myself? 126 00:05:37,651 --> 00:05:39,903 How do I know it's not version number 85? 127 00:05:39,945 --> 00:05:42,072 Or 322? Or 558? 128 00:05:42,114 --> 00:05:43,657 Or 69 or 420! 129 00:05:43,824 --> 00:05:46,076 You know, and... and then you get into the whole idea of... 130 00:05:46,118 --> 00:05:48,495 of consciousness. And, I mean, just forget about "best" 131 00:05:48,537 --> 00:05:50,455 what version of Chidi is even real? 132 00:05:50,497 --> 00:05:54,293 I mean, I think that "I" am here, but what if the real "I" 133 00:05:54,334 --> 00:05:56,712 is one of those other Chidis, and... and... 134 00:05:56,753 --> 00:05:58,547 and this Chidi is an imposter! 135 00:05:58,589 --> 00:06:00,757 What happens here? Does he eventually tire himself out? 136 00:06:00,799 --> 00:06:02,217 Usually, but this one seems to be 137 00:06:02,259 --> 00:06:04,219 getting stronger as he goes on. 138 00:06:04,261 --> 00:06:06,263 ...over time, because our consciousness is constantly changing. 139 00:06:06,305 --> 00:06:08,849 Which is just playing on the Buddhist doctrine of the "non-self." 140 00:06:08,891 --> 00:06:11,685 Plus, physically, our cells change every seven years, which doesn't matter 141 00:06:11,727 --> 00:06:13,061 because we're dead. 142 00:06:13,103 --> 00:06:15,272 OK. This is pretty simple, bud. 143 00:06:15,564 --> 00:06:19,818 You've been our teacher this whole time and we are much better because of you. 144 00:06:20,193 --> 00:06:24,156 If we're the best versions of ourselves, which that balloon just proved 145 00:06:24,990 --> 00:06:26,783 then you definitely are. 146 00:06:27,326 --> 00:06:28,869 So, in a way, it... 147 00:06:28,911 --> 00:06:33,206 it doesn't matter if I was "better" in version 492 or whatever 148 00:06:33,248 --> 00:06:35,375 because the best version of "me" 149 00:06:35,417 --> 00:06:38,170 is just as much about my effect on the world around me 150 00:06:38,211 --> 00:06:41,924 as it is about my own egocentric self-image. 151 00:06:43,008 --> 00:06:44,843 I really meant that much to you guys? 152 00:06:44,885 --> 00:06:46,053 Of course you did. 153 00:06:46,470 --> 00:06:48,680 Now let's get you back on that scale, dorkus! 154 00:06:53,810 --> 00:06:56,855 Oh, good, you're back. I had Janet make some food for the trip. 155 00:06:56,897 --> 00:06:57,940 Twizzlers for Jason. 156 00:06:58,690 --> 00:07:00,233 Shrimp for Eleanor. 157 00:07:00,275 --> 00:07:02,027 Chidi, hard-boiled eggs. 158 00:07:02,069 --> 00:07:06,281 And for Tahani, Lord Vivian's Vinegar-Drenched Cuttlefish Crisps. 159 00:07:06,323 --> 00:07:08,367 Oh, my favourite savoury dessert! 160 00:07:08,951 --> 00:07:10,702 Oh, un-pickled... 161 00:07:11,328 --> 00:07:12,204 No, thank you. 162 00:07:12,496 --> 00:07:14,623 Chidi? Ready to try again? 163 00:07:15,374 --> 00:07:16,500 Yeah, all right. 164 00:07:20,837 --> 00:07:21,755 Yeah! 165 00:07:31,723 --> 00:07:32,766 Dope! 166 00:07:37,562 --> 00:07:38,563 Ugh! 167 00:07:38,605 --> 00:07:40,273 Chidi got in my head! 168 00:07:41,608 --> 00:07:44,820 It's just that thing Chidi said about previous versions of myself 169 00:07:44,861 --> 00:07:46,905 it's screwing me up, but I can fix it. 170 00:07:49,241 --> 00:07:50,242 Phew! 171 00:07:50,283 --> 00:07:52,786 I stole this from your house the first night we were here. 172 00:07:52,828 --> 00:07:55,247 OK. Should be the best version of myself now. 173 00:07:57,082 --> 00:07:59,543 Urgh! Come on, scale! Be cool! 174 00:07:59,584 --> 00:08:00,794 Guys, we're just not ready. 175 00:08:00,836 --> 00:08:02,754 I think we should regroup, and try again tomorrow-- 176 00:08:02,796 --> 00:08:03,964 Hang on. I know the answer. 177 00:08:04,006 --> 00:08:05,465 I know why I'm not my best self. 178 00:08:06,383 --> 00:08:10,012 Do you remember that version of me, from the tape of us, at Mindy's? 179 00:08:10,637 --> 00:08:15,058 Where I was vulnerable and emotional, and honest? 180 00:08:15,934 --> 00:08:19,312 That Eleanor is a better Eleanor than this one. 181 00:08:19,563 --> 00:08:21,773 And that is not an easy thing for me to say. 182 00:08:22,315 --> 00:08:24,776 "You're not better than me" was my yearbook quote. 183 00:08:25,902 --> 00:08:28,447 Michael, can you tell us a little bit about that version? 184 00:08:28,488 --> 00:08:31,158 Uh... reboot number 119. 185 00:08:31,199 --> 00:08:33,910 All the restaurants were kebab places. 186 00:08:33,952 --> 00:08:36,913 You had a pet lizard, which I made poop on you all the time. 187 00:08:36,955 --> 00:08:39,916 No, can you tell us more about Chidi's and my relationship 188 00:08:39,958 --> 00:08:41,043 from that version? 189 00:08:41,084 --> 00:08:43,587 Right. Sorry. Well, you got really into ethics 190 00:08:43,628 --> 00:08:45,589 and you spent a lot of time together. 191 00:08:46,173 --> 00:08:49,801 Once, you handed him a tissue right before he sneezed 192 00:08:49,843 --> 00:08:54,681 and that simple act of anticipating his needs made him fall for you. 193 00:08:54,723 --> 00:09:00,020 One night you took a walk along the lake, and you had your first kiss 194 00:09:00,479 --> 00:09:04,191 which... gross. Kissing is gross. 195 00:09:04,775 --> 00:09:07,319 You just mash your food-holes together. 196 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:08,820 It's not for that! 197 00:09:09,571 --> 00:09:12,699 Anyway, it, uh... it just... you know... 198 00:09:12,741 --> 00:09:14,409 bloomed after that. 199 00:09:14,618 --> 00:09:17,662 Look. There are obviously some undealt-with issues here. 200 00:09:17,704 --> 00:09:22,084 I propose that everyone who is "green" go ahead and board the magic balloon 201 00:09:22,125 --> 00:09:23,627 and set out to the Good Place. 202 00:09:23,668 --> 00:09:25,420 You know, sort of like an advance team. 203 00:09:25,462 --> 00:09:28,381 We'll put our names in, or book a table, however it works 204 00:09:28,423 --> 00:09:31,718 and then we'll send back the magical balloon for the "red-light people" later on. 205 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:33,095 It's a perfect plan. 206 00:09:35,472 --> 00:09:36,389 No! 207 00:09:36,431 --> 00:09:38,350 It's not working, it probably thinks I'm Eleanor. 208 00:09:38,683 --> 00:09:41,228 It is I, Tahani! 209 00:09:41,353 --> 00:09:42,354 Wait! Wait! 210 00:09:42,979 --> 00:09:45,690 I'm not really my best self, guys. 211 00:09:47,526 --> 00:09:51,822 Tahani keeps trying to talk to me about our relationship, but I keep dodging it. 212 00:09:51,863 --> 00:09:53,824 Plus I haven't talked to Janet about me and her yet. 213 00:09:54,199 --> 00:09:57,285 And I haven't talked to Michael about the band I want us to start 214 00:09:57,327 --> 00:09:58,703 "The Rock and Roll Buddies." 215 00:09:58,745 --> 00:09:59,996 Yes, actually you did. 216 00:10:00,038 --> 00:10:01,623 I said, uh... I wasn't interested. 217 00:10:01,665 --> 00:10:05,710 In case you were wondering, I am by definition the best version of myself 218 00:10:05,752 --> 00:10:07,754 because my operating system is always updating. 219 00:10:07,796 --> 00:10:09,714 I'm not sure that's true, Janet. 220 00:10:09,756 --> 00:10:12,551 You still haven't talked to Jason about your romantic baggage. 221 00:10:12,592 --> 00:10:16,012 And the three of you are in some sort of weird love triangle. 222 00:10:16,054 --> 00:10:19,224 You don't know what you're talking about. Also, love isn't a triangle. 223 00:10:19,266 --> 00:10:21,184 It's a five-dimensional blob. So... 224 00:10:21,226 --> 00:10:23,728 OK, if you're so perfect, step on the scale. - Fine. 225 00:10:26,523 --> 00:10:28,358 - Ooh! I think I broke it. - No! 226 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:29,818 My beautiful balloon scale! 227 00:10:29,860 --> 00:10:30,944 It's not yours! 228 00:10:30,986 --> 00:10:32,904 No, no, please, stop fighting! 229 00:10:32,946 --> 00:10:35,240 Ah, man. This... this stinks. 230 00:10:35,532 --> 00:10:37,617 I'm having this feeling where... what is it called? 231 00:10:37,659 --> 00:10:38,994 You know where you, uh... 232 00:10:39,035 --> 00:10:41,746 you did a thing and you're sad after it? What... 233 00:10:41,788 --> 00:10:42,956 "After-sad"? Is that... 234 00:10:42,998 --> 00:10:46,334 No. Gah! You humans have so many emotions. 235 00:10:46,376 --> 00:10:47,794 You only need two - 236 00:10:47,878 --> 00:10:49,671 anger and confusion! 237 00:10:49,713 --> 00:10:51,298 Michael, what's going on? 238 00:10:51,339 --> 00:10:53,258 The problem isn't any of you. 239 00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:54,551 It... 240 00:10:54,593 --> 00:10:56,636 This whole balloon thing is a fake. 241 00:10:56,678 --> 00:10:59,973 The truth is, I have no idea how to get into the Good Place 242 00:11:00,015 --> 00:11:01,183 and I never have. 243 00:11:04,686 --> 00:11:05,979 Well, Michael's right. 244 00:11:06,688 --> 00:11:09,900 I'm angry and confused. 245 00:11:12,736 --> 00:11:17,115 So, months ago, when you said you had this whole complicated plan 246 00:11:17,157 --> 00:11:19,075 for getting us to the Good Place...? - It was a lie. 247 00:11:19,326 --> 00:11:23,079 I assumed if I bought myself some time, I could figure out a way in. 248 00:11:23,705 --> 00:11:26,499 Guys, I tried a billion different ways. 249 00:11:26,541 --> 00:11:30,837 Not an exaggeration - I actually tried one billion and 12 different plans 250 00:11:30,879 --> 00:11:36,218 but the only way into the Good Place is by being a good person on Earth. 251 00:11:36,259 --> 00:11:39,387 This is unforgivable. How many times can you betray us? 252 00:11:39,596 --> 00:11:41,389 I'm sorry. I really am. 253 00:11:41,431 --> 00:11:44,017 Because while I was searching for a way to get in 254 00:11:44,351 --> 00:11:46,561 I was also taking your ethics classes 255 00:11:46,770 --> 00:11:48,855 learning why it was bad to lie. 256 00:11:48,897 --> 00:11:51,942 So not only did I fail at getting us into the Good Place 257 00:11:51,983 --> 00:11:54,694 I also learned the "error of my ways." 258 00:11:54,736 --> 00:11:58,156 Real rock bottom for a demon, I'll tell ya. 259 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,243 So... how did you know that I would doubt myself 260 00:12:01,284 --> 00:12:03,078 and make the scale turn red? 261 00:12:03,119 --> 00:12:04,788 I mean, at the risk of seeming blunt 262 00:12:05,664 --> 00:12:08,667 I'm a puppet master and you have long been my puppets. 263 00:12:08,708 --> 00:12:10,418 But this was not torture! 264 00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:13,880 I... I was stalling, so I could keep searching for a way in. 265 00:12:13,922 --> 00:12:17,008 I would have been happy if you were to live in this Neighbourhood forever 266 00:12:17,050 --> 00:12:20,345 but then Shawn came and... and... and just ruined the whole thing. 267 00:12:21,179 --> 00:12:22,973 So, what happens now? 268 00:12:23,348 --> 00:12:25,934 Shawn will eventually figure out you're not at Mindy's. 269 00:12:25,976 --> 00:12:31,189 And he'll realize that someone on the inside was helping you. 270 00:12:31,356 --> 00:12:35,068 So, you'll go to the real Bad Place forever, and I will be... 271 00:12:35,235 --> 00:12:36,111 be retired. 272 00:12:36,152 --> 00:12:37,153 You're... you're mad at me. 273 00:12:37,946 --> 00:12:38,905 I'm not mad. 274 00:12:40,031 --> 00:12:41,533 I'm just disappointed. 275 00:12:41,574 --> 00:12:44,286 Aw, come on, everyone knows that's worse. 276 00:12:44,327 --> 00:12:48,623 So, this really is the end. Completely out of options, are we? 277 00:12:48,999 --> 00:12:51,584 Not completely out of options. 278 00:12:52,419 --> 00:12:57,340 We can do what the Shellstrops have always done, when the chips are down 279 00:12:58,049 --> 00:13:00,844 ignore our problems and drink heavily. 280 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:02,595 Janet! 281 00:13:02,637 --> 00:13:05,307 A million bottles of your finest booze, please. 282 00:13:07,934 --> 00:13:08,810 You alright? 283 00:13:10,186 --> 00:13:14,190 Kinda. I asked Michael if I could pop the giant balloon 284 00:13:14,441 --> 00:13:15,358 and he said no. 285 00:13:15,984 --> 00:13:18,278 Then I asked if I could suck the helium out of it 286 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,905 to make my voice sound funny so it cheers everyone up... 287 00:13:21,406 --> 00:13:24,159 and he just kind of sighed and walked away 288 00:13:25,035 --> 00:13:27,245 so I guess that one is still on the table. 289 00:13:29,622 --> 00:13:31,124 Are you and me cool? 290 00:13:31,583 --> 00:13:32,459 Not exactly. 291 00:13:32,792 --> 00:13:37,255 I think perhaps, given everything, it's best we end our relationship. 292 00:13:38,340 --> 00:13:42,469 It's probably about time I stopped relying on others for my sense of self-worth 293 00:13:42,761 --> 00:13:43,762 or happiness. 294 00:13:44,679 --> 00:13:48,308 You know, my whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles 295 00:13:48,350 --> 00:13:49,976 I would simply say 296 00:13:50,935 --> 00:13:52,354 "I would like to speak to your manager." 297 00:13:53,104 --> 00:13:55,315 But in our relationship, there is no manager. 298 00:13:55,357 --> 00:13:59,444 There is no one who can fix this for me, except me. 299 00:14:01,071 --> 00:14:04,908 My mum was a manager at a pet store. Does that help? 300 00:14:05,283 --> 00:14:07,869 No, and please don't launch into one of your long stories. 301 00:14:07,911 --> 00:14:09,287 She got fired - No, Jason... 302 00:14:09,329 --> 00:14:11,289 after I robbed the pet store - Please, please, please, please, Jason. 303 00:14:11,331 --> 00:14:13,249 where she worked. We robbed it together. - No, no, no, no, no. Please, stop. 304 00:14:13,291 --> 00:14:16,127 Long story short, it was all a dream. 305 00:14:17,003 --> 00:14:21,299 Thank you, Jason, for making this moment a little easier, for me. 306 00:14:24,886 --> 00:14:26,221 Dude, here's where I'm at - 307 00:14:26,262 --> 00:14:27,555 feelings are stupid. 308 00:14:28,473 --> 00:14:29,849 Yeah. Who needs them? 309 00:14:29,891 --> 00:14:35,230 But, uh... in case feelings aren't stupid, and, in the case that we are 310 00:14:35,271 --> 00:14:38,191 eternally doomed, I thought it might be worth mentioning that I do... 311 00:14:40,235 --> 00:14:41,569 have feelings for you. 312 00:14:42,112 --> 00:14:43,822 And I... I know you don't feel the same way. 313 00:14:43,863 --> 00:14:45,907 And although that fills me with... 314 00:14:46,950 --> 00:14:49,452 anger and confusion... 315 00:14:50,161 --> 00:14:51,663 Wow, Michael was right on the money. 316 00:14:52,288 --> 00:14:54,833 I just wanted you to know the truth. 317 00:14:56,584 --> 00:14:58,503 You are... I mean... 318 00:14:58,545 --> 00:15:01,005 - No, no, don't say anything. Don't. Don't. - I want to, I want to. 319 00:15:01,047 --> 00:15:02,006 I want to. 320 00:15:02,549 --> 00:15:03,425 Here's the thing about me. 321 00:15:03,716 --> 00:15:07,345 You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal? 322 00:15:08,430 --> 00:15:13,059 That's the sound that my brain makes, all the time. 323 00:15:13,101 --> 00:15:14,769 It's just this constant grinding. 324 00:15:14,811 --> 00:15:18,773 About things I'm afraid of, or things that I want 325 00:15:18,815 --> 00:15:23,153 or want to want, or want to want to... 326 00:15:23,194 --> 00:15:25,321 Is it grinding in there right now, bud? - Yep. 327 00:15:25,363 --> 00:15:28,533 But the... the point is, the circumstances under which we met 328 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:33,872 are completely insane, and that just makes the grinding harder. 329 00:15:34,205 --> 00:15:36,708 I just wish we'd met the way normal people meet 330 00:15:36,749 --> 00:15:40,545 like at a philosophy conference, or after one of my philosophy lectures... 331 00:15:40,587 --> 00:15:42,797 or... or you came knocking 332 00:15:42,839 --> 00:15:45,675 on my office door asking for help with philosophy. 333 00:15:45,717 --> 00:15:47,594 Is that how you think people meet? 334 00:15:48,887 --> 00:15:50,430 I don't know how normal people meet. 335 00:15:53,725 --> 00:15:55,226 It's not that I couldn't love you. 336 00:15:56,019 --> 00:15:57,145 You're amazing 337 00:15:57,187 --> 00:15:58,062 and... 338 00:15:58,563 --> 00:16:00,106 fearless, and... 339 00:16:01,649 --> 00:16:02,817 and clearly... 340 00:16:04,777 --> 00:16:07,071 symmetrical. 341 00:16:08,281 --> 00:16:09,574 You're such a nerd. 342 00:16:11,409 --> 00:16:12,660 Attention, everyone! 343 00:16:13,411 --> 00:16:18,458 We may not know exactly which version of ourselves was technically our "best self" 344 00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:19,501 but you know what? 345 00:16:20,001 --> 00:16:21,544 I like who we are right now. 346 00:16:21,586 --> 00:16:23,546 To this version of us. 347 00:16:23,755 --> 00:16:25,590 To the good people we've all become. 348 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:26,966 Oh, and to Eleanor! 349 00:16:27,091 --> 00:16:28,301 Our unofficial leader. 350 00:16:28,927 --> 00:16:32,013 You pack a lot of heart and grit into that diminutive frame. 351 00:16:32,472 --> 00:16:34,724 Like a scrappy little auto-mechanic. 352 00:16:35,141 --> 00:16:37,810 That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, babe, and I'll take it. 353 00:16:37,894 --> 00:16:39,979 And to Janet! The best robot... 354 00:16:40,021 --> 00:16:41,147 Not a robot. - Girl... 355 00:16:41,189 --> 00:16:42,982 Not a girl. - And straight-up hottie... 356 00:16:43,024 --> 00:16:44,275 I am attractive, yes. 357 00:16:44,317 --> 00:16:46,402 ...any of us could have ever asked for. 358 00:16:46,444 --> 00:16:47,403 Thanks, guys. 359 00:16:47,820 --> 00:16:50,073 Because of the way we were conceived of and created 360 00:16:50,114 --> 00:16:52,700 Janets don't typically give speeches. 361 00:16:54,786 --> 00:16:56,454 Oh, she's done. She's not gonna give a speech. 362 00:16:56,496 --> 00:16:57,372 Oh. - OK. Cool. 363 00:16:57,413 --> 00:16:59,499 Oh, one more toast! To Michael! 364 00:16:59,666 --> 00:17:00,750 Michael! 365 00:17:02,001 --> 00:17:05,797 Who is easily the best version of himself 366 00:17:05,922 --> 00:17:07,090 granted the bar was low. 367 00:17:07,131 --> 00:17:08,758 Mm-hmm. - He is a demon. 368 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:09,759 - Mm... - But... 369 00:17:09,801 --> 00:17:12,262 he made a mistake and admitted he was wrong 370 00:17:12,303 --> 00:17:15,557 which makes him better than 90% of all humans. 371 00:17:15,598 --> 00:17:17,517 And you know what? It wasn't really Michael's fault. 372 00:17:18,142 --> 00:17:20,478 We weren't getting into the Good Place anyway. 373 00:17:20,562 --> 00:17:21,854 I mean, look at us - 374 00:17:22,105 --> 00:17:23,731 a self-obsessed socialite 375 00:17:24,232 --> 00:17:25,608 a ridiculous giraffe 376 00:17:25,650 --> 00:17:29,654 an absurd British aristocrat, a narcissistic attention-seeker-- 377 00:17:29,696 --> 00:17:31,030 Are these all me? - Yes. 378 00:17:31,072 --> 00:17:33,199 I was gonna do eight for you, and one for everyone else. 379 00:17:33,241 --> 00:17:35,285 The point is, Michael... 380 00:17:35,535 --> 00:17:36,411 we forgive you. 381 00:17:36,744 --> 00:17:39,831 I mean, at least you tried to find a way to the Good Place. 382 00:17:40,123 --> 00:17:42,208 And that's the greatest thing someone can do 383 00:17:42,250 --> 00:17:43,835 just try your best. 384 00:17:45,128 --> 00:17:50,717 So, we hereby name you an "honourary human" 385 00:17:51,217 --> 00:17:56,139 and we would like to present you with this Human Starter Kit. 386 00:17:56,431 --> 00:18:00,685 Car keys! So I can lose them and say, "Has anyone seen my car keys?" 387 00:18:00,727 --> 00:18:03,980 Oh, and then I can do that, you know, that thing where you... you... 388 00:18:04,022 --> 00:18:05,064 Thank you! 389 00:18:05,106 --> 00:18:09,736 And Band-Aids, for your stupid fragile bodies. 390 00:18:09,777 --> 00:18:13,990 Oh, and look at this - a stress ball with a dumb corporate logo? 391 00:18:14,407 --> 00:18:16,576 Oh, I can't wait to keep finding this 392 00:18:16,618 --> 00:18:18,453 and then almost throw it away, and then think 393 00:18:18,494 --> 00:18:20,204 "No, I'll... I'll use it!" 394 00:18:22,081 --> 00:18:23,499 Oh... guys. 395 00:18:24,542 --> 00:18:27,962 A Doctor Oz diet book, because you're all such suckers. 396 00:18:28,004 --> 00:18:32,008 This is all garbage that I have no real use for. 397 00:18:32,050 --> 00:18:34,344 That's right. Welcome to being human, buddy. 398 00:18:34,510 --> 00:18:35,470 To Michael. 399 00:18:38,931 --> 00:18:41,643 ♪ I do my makeup in somebody else's car ♪ 400 00:18:46,481 --> 00:18:50,693 ♪ We order different drinks at the same bars... ♪ 401 00:18:57,575 --> 00:19:06,042 ♪ Unforgettable That's what you are ♪ 402 00:19:08,461 --> 00:19:10,296 ♪ Unforgettable... ♪ 403 00:19:10,338 --> 00:19:11,756 - You don't remember? - No! 404 00:19:11,798 --> 00:19:13,299 No, of course you don't. 405 00:19:13,341 --> 00:19:14,592 Oh, that's mean. 406 00:19:14,634 --> 00:19:17,303 That was version one. 407 00:19:18,805 --> 00:19:19,681 Michael... 408 00:19:19,722 --> 00:19:21,724 there's a message coming in from Shawn. 409 00:19:21,766 --> 00:19:24,268 "Finish shutting everything down." 410 00:19:24,310 --> 00:19:26,521 "Sending train first thing tomorrow." 411 00:19:27,188 --> 00:19:30,566 "Humans will be captured and tortured soup." 412 00:19:31,317 --> 00:19:33,027 "Sorry, autocorrect." 413 00:19:33,111 --> 00:19:34,237 "Soon." 414 00:19:34,278 --> 00:19:37,740 "Although weirdly I did just finish turning someone into soup." 415 00:19:38,282 --> 00:19:39,325 "So random." 416 00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:40,535 "OK, bye." 417 00:19:43,371 --> 00:19:46,499 What do you guys think the Bad Place is going to be, for you? 418 00:19:46,958 --> 00:19:49,001 I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert 419 00:19:49,627 --> 00:19:51,629 and I'll be waiting for the bass drop. 420 00:19:52,505 --> 00:19:53,381 And it... 421 00:19:55,591 --> 00:19:56,676 it'll never come. 422 00:19:57,802 --> 00:19:59,095 For me, it'll be camping. 423 00:19:59,595 --> 00:20:01,931 Like, I'll just always be camping. 424 00:20:02,265 --> 00:20:05,309 I'm pretty good at turning every place I go in... 425 00:20:05,351 --> 00:20:06,978 into my personal hell, so 426 00:20:08,062 --> 00:20:10,398 I think they'll have a lot of options, for me. 427 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:14,736 Mine will obviously be an eternity spent in the Swiss Alps. 428 00:20:14,777 --> 00:20:16,237 That sounds amazing. 429 00:20:16,612 --> 00:20:19,615 In Autumn. The off-season! 430 00:20:19,657 --> 00:20:21,075 Yeah, still fine. 431 00:20:21,117 --> 00:20:22,160 You'd be fine. 432 00:20:22,452 --> 00:20:25,663 Who are we kidding, you'll probably be running the place in, like, a week. 433 00:20:25,705 --> 00:20:26,581 She'll be like... 434 00:20:26,622 --> 00:20:29,417 "Oh, hibbledy-dibbledy! This simply won't do!" 435 00:20:29,459 --> 00:20:31,961 "I demand to speak to your manager." 436 00:20:32,003 --> 00:20:34,380 - Again, again! - "Your manager!" 437 00:20:36,132 --> 00:20:38,176 Of course! That's it. 438 00:20:39,218 --> 00:20:40,887 We should speak to the manager! 439 00:20:40,928 --> 00:20:43,598 Wait, you said that there was a judge 440 00:20:43,639 --> 00:20:47,226 who decides on disputes between the Good Place and the Bad Place, right? 441 00:20:47,268 --> 00:20:51,773 Some sort of "head honcho" I could pace in front of, and plead our case to 442 00:20:51,814 --> 00:20:54,942 and maybe even wag a finger at, disapprovingly? 443 00:20:54,984 --> 00:20:57,320 I thought about that, it's a non-starter. 444 00:20:57,737 --> 00:20:59,447 Judge rarely hears cases. 445 00:20:59,489 --> 00:21:03,284 And the only way to get to the Judge's office is through a portal 446 00:21:03,868 --> 00:21:06,287 and we can never get to that. 447 00:21:06,746 --> 00:21:07,663 Well, why not? 448 00:21:07,705 --> 00:21:12,001 We'd have to walk through the actual Bad Place, in plain sight 449 00:21:12,043 --> 00:21:16,047 without getting caught, reach and pass through the portal 450 00:21:16,088 --> 00:21:19,842 which is in the very centre of Bad Place headquarters 451 00:21:19,884 --> 00:21:22,094 convince the Judge to hear us out 452 00:21:22,136 --> 00:21:24,806 even though we didn't go through the proper channels 453 00:21:25,139 --> 00:21:29,143 and then somehow win our unwinnable case. 454 00:21:31,604 --> 00:21:32,939 OK. 455 00:21:33,981 --> 00:21:34,899 Let's do it. 456 00:21:36,567 --> 00:21:37,568 You're serious? 457 00:21:37,610 --> 00:21:39,946 Yeah! What do we have to lose? 458 00:21:43,908 --> 00:21:48,329 All I've really ever wanted was to know what it feels like to be human. 459 00:21:48,830 --> 00:21:51,791 And now, we're going to do the most human thing of all 460 00:21:52,375 --> 00:21:56,754 attempt something futile, with a ton of unearned confidence 461 00:21:56,796 --> 00:21:59,257 and fail spectacularly! 462 00:21:59,465 --> 00:22:00,633 Get up! Get up! 463 00:22:00,883 --> 00:22:01,884 Everyone! 464 00:22:03,219 --> 00:22:04,470 Get rest tonight. 465 00:22:05,221 --> 00:22:08,891 First thing tomorrow... we're going to the Bad Place. 466 00:22:11,394 --> 00:22:13,062 We had a lot of good times together. 467 00:22:13,729 --> 00:22:15,189 I'll see you in the next life. 468 00:22:15,231 --> 00:22:16,816 Goodbye, clowns. 469 00:22:17,191 --> 00:22:21,320 Goodbye, modernist architecture that I was too trashy to appreciate. 470 00:22:23,239 --> 00:22:24,198 Goodbye, house. 471 00:22:24,907 --> 00:22:25,908 Goodbye, house. 472 00:22:31,372 --> 00:22:32,290 What up, idiot? 473 00:22:32,582 --> 00:22:35,877 This is the 8:22 express to Bad Place Headquarters. 474 00:22:35,918 --> 00:22:39,547 We'd like to begin the boarding process with our first-class fat dinks 475 00:22:39,589 --> 00:22:41,841 and there is no overhead storage 476 00:22:41,883 --> 00:22:44,176 so if you have any bags, why don't you just go ahead 477 00:22:44,218 --> 00:22:46,095 and place them up your fat butts. 478 00:22:46,137 --> 00:22:49,140 Sorry about this, Bad Janet. - Sorry about what, ya fat dink? 479 00:22:56,022 --> 00:22:57,565 This was your life's work. 480 00:22:57,940 --> 00:23:00,401 Are you OK with leaving the fake Good Place behind? 481 00:23:01,110 --> 00:23:04,864 As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place. 482 00:23:05,239 --> 00:23:07,533 That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does. 483 00:23:09,911 --> 00:23:14,707 The real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way. 484 00:23:14,749 --> 00:23:17,710 Nope. Still nonsense. One more try? 485 00:23:18,502 --> 00:23:19,503 In a way 486 00:23:19,921 --> 00:23:24,091 the Good Place was inside the Bad Place... 487 00:23:25,509 --> 00:23:26,427 all along? 488 00:23:26,469 --> 00:23:28,679 You know what? That's technically true, I'm gonna give it to you. 489 00:23:28,721 --> 00:23:30,431 Ah! 490 00:23:30,723 --> 00:23:31,891 I just made an aphorism. 491 00:23:33,976 --> 00:23:34,977 Hit it, Janet. 492 00:23:35,394 --> 00:23:38,147 Next stop, the actual Bad Place!