1
00:00:01,023 --> 00:00:03,108
Go back to the void, babe.
I'll be there in a minute.
2
00:00:03,192 --> 00:00:04,944
OK. I'll miss you like crazy.
- I'll miss you more.
3
00:00:04,985 --> 00:00:05,861
No.
4
00:00:06,237 --> 00:00:08,572
I'll miss you more. Bye!
- JANET LAUGHS
5
00:00:08,656 --> 00:00:11,283
It's my first time making someone
so he might be a little bit "off."
6
00:00:11,367 --> 00:00:15,829
Janet, you can't just go around
inventing people.
7
00:00:15,913 --> 00:00:17,248
Get rid of him immediately.
8
00:00:17,581 --> 00:00:18,457
No.
9
00:00:18,541 --> 00:00:20,334
Eleanor told me to find a rebound guy.
10
00:00:20,417 --> 00:00:23,337
I couldn't find one, so I made one.
SHE GIGGLES
11
00:00:23,420 --> 00:00:24,880
He's helping me forget about Jason.
12
00:00:24,922 --> 00:00:29,218
DEREK CHIMES
Ugh! "Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason."
13
00:00:29,301 --> 00:00:31,929
"Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason."
14
00:00:32,012 --> 00:00:33,722
Ugh! "Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason."
- Honey...
15
00:00:33,806 --> 00:00:35,307
"Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason."
- Babe.
16
00:00:35,391 --> 00:00:37,226
"Jason. Jason. Ja--"
- Babe! Don't be jealous.
17
00:00:37,309 --> 00:00:39,103
DEREK GROANS
- I love you now.
18
00:00:39,186 --> 00:00:40,896
And we are going to spend
every second together.
19
00:00:40,938 --> 00:00:43,023
Aw...
- No! No, no, you are not.
20
00:00:43,107 --> 00:00:45,317
Janet, no one can know about...
21
00:00:45,859 --> 00:00:47,403
I'm so sorry, what's your name again?
22
00:00:47,486 --> 00:00:48,487
Derek Hoffstetler.
23
00:00:48,571 --> 00:00:52,241
If anybody finds out about him,
we are doomed.
24
00:00:52,324 --> 00:00:54,535
He has to stay in your void.
25
00:00:54,618 --> 00:00:56,829
It's our void now.
SHE LAUGHS
26
00:00:56,912 --> 00:00:59,748
We moved in together.
- What! Can you believe it?
27
00:00:59,832 --> 00:01:03,377
I got my own hanger for my jumpsuit.
- Already? I mean, that's... that's so fast!
28
00:01:03,460 --> 00:01:05,170
Well, when you know, you know.
29
00:01:05,254 --> 00:01:07,590
And we know literally everything.
30
00:01:07,673 --> 00:01:09,758
We are so in sync,
we're finishing each other's...
31
00:01:09,842 --> 00:01:11,010
Derek!
- Ah!
32
00:01:18,642 --> 00:01:19,935
TV BLARES
- TAHANI INHALES
33
00:01:20,477 --> 00:01:21,437
Hey, guys!
- Oh!
34
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:23,063
Michael, you frightened me.
35
00:01:23,147 --> 00:01:26,442
Jason's making me watch this horror film
about two ex-convicts
36
00:01:26,525 --> 00:01:28,986
who try to rob and murder a neglected child.
37
00:01:29,695 --> 00:01:30,821
Get over here!
38
00:01:32,615 --> 00:01:34,158
Hey, I got some great news.
39
00:01:34,241 --> 00:01:37,328
I've arranged for you to have a weekend
getaway.
40
00:01:37,411 --> 00:01:39,872
I bet you're tired of being cooped up
in this house, aren't you?
41
00:01:39,955 --> 00:01:41,123
I am a bit, actually.
42
00:01:41,206 --> 00:01:45,002
All this time indoors has degraded my skin
from "radiant" to merely "dewy."
43
00:01:45,085 --> 00:01:46,420
Me! Dewy!
44
00:01:46,503 --> 00:01:49,923
Well, there's going to be plenty of sun
and fun at the private campsite
45
00:01:50,007 --> 00:01:51,967
that I set up for you
at the edge of the Neighbourhood.
46
00:01:52,051 --> 00:01:55,846
Here you go. Ah, I told Vicky that I'll be
torturing you for the time being.
47
00:01:55,929 --> 00:01:59,350
So just relax, live it up.
Out you go. Here. Now, sadly...
48
00:01:59,433 --> 00:02:03,020
Janet is still offline, so you...
you can't call her, OK?
49
00:02:03,103 --> 00:02:06,315
The best news is, none of this is suspicious.
HE LAUGHS
50
00:02:06,982 --> 00:02:08,776
I don't know what's going to happen to us.
51
00:02:08,859 --> 00:02:10,694
But I need to tell you something...
52
00:02:12,905 --> 00:02:14,073
ELEANOR:
I love you.
53
00:02:14,156 --> 00:02:15,866
What are you watching?
- Um...
54
00:02:15,949 --> 00:02:18,077
"Cannonball Run Two."
- Again?
55
00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:20,579
SHE LAUGHS
- You watch that movie a lot.
56
00:02:20,663 --> 00:02:22,873
Well, it's basically my favourite movie
of all time.
57
00:02:23,582 --> 00:02:26,043
But you can never watch it! This copy's mine.
58
00:02:26,126 --> 00:02:28,128
Uh-oh, I guess I'm still pretty selfish.
59
00:02:28,879 --> 00:02:31,423
Help. I need another ethics lesson, quick!
60
00:02:31,507 --> 00:02:33,842
Very weird energy
coming off of you right now.
61
00:02:33,926 --> 00:02:35,135
Hey, guys. What you doing?
62
00:02:35,219 --> 00:02:36,637
Nothing? Great.
63
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,139
So, Chidi, just want to double check.
64
00:02:39,223 --> 00:02:42,726
How do ethical philosophers
feel about murder?
65
00:02:43,268 --> 00:02:44,269
It's frowned upon.
66
00:02:44,353 --> 00:02:48,232
OK, what if the reason
you want to murder someone
67
00:02:48,315 --> 00:02:50,901
is to make your life easier?
That's OK, right?
68
00:02:50,984 --> 00:02:52,945
Is there a problem here, bud?
69
00:02:53,028 --> 00:02:54,113
OK, I'll just tell you.
70
00:02:54,196 --> 00:02:56,156
Um... no.
71
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,075
Too hard to explain. I'll show you.
72
00:02:58,117 --> 00:02:58,992
Janet.
73
00:02:59,034 --> 00:03:00,411
JANET CHIMES: Hi there.
- Hey there!
74
00:03:00,494 --> 00:03:01,787
Who the fork is that?
75
00:03:01,870 --> 00:03:05,082
Derek Hoffstetler, PI.
- Derek is my rebound guy.
76
00:03:05,165 --> 00:03:06,417
I made him.
77
00:03:07,126 --> 00:03:10,671
Oh! Did you do that because, um...
of what I said?
78
00:03:10,754 --> 00:03:12,673
Yes. Because of what you said.
- Janet...
79
00:03:12,756 --> 00:03:14,216
Thank you, Eleanor.
- Thank you, Eleanor.
80
00:03:14,299 --> 00:03:16,135
JANET:
You know, you seem so sad.
81
00:03:16,218 --> 00:03:18,053
Do you want me
to make you a boyfriend too?
82
00:03:18,137 --> 00:03:19,763
Ooh, I could have a brother.
- Yes!
83
00:03:19,847 --> 00:03:21,640
Based on your last 10,000 comments
84
00:03:21,682 --> 00:03:24,226
it would be Stone Cold Steve Austin's head
on Tahani's body.
85
00:03:24,309 --> 00:03:26,478
Or vice versa.
- She's not gonna make you anything.
86
00:03:26,854 --> 00:03:27,980
Janet, that'll be all.
87
00:03:28,063 --> 00:03:30,023
OK. Goodbye. Say goodbye, Derek.
88
00:03:30,107 --> 00:03:33,569
Ah! "Goodbob."
I hope we "same place" again very now.
89
00:03:33,652 --> 00:03:34,695
JANET LAUGHS
90
00:03:34,778 --> 00:03:36,613
His brain is wrong.
- Ah-ha!
91
00:03:36,697 --> 00:03:37,906
JANET CHIMES
92
00:03:38,615 --> 00:03:40,701
Well, I definitely understand everything,
so...
93
00:03:42,161 --> 00:03:43,454
No need to explain.
94
00:03:44,872 --> 00:03:46,457
Mm!
- Mm!
95
00:03:46,540 --> 00:03:48,751
Now, the goal is to tap the ball hard enough
96
00:03:48,834 --> 00:03:51,795
that it goes through the wicket,
but not so hard that it goes too far through.
97
00:03:51,879 --> 00:03:56,759
It combines both classic aspects
of British sport - whimsy and restraint.
98
00:03:58,469 --> 00:04:01,180
Oh! So restrained.
99
00:04:01,263 --> 00:04:03,682
You know, I believe it was Prime Minister
Neville Chamberlain
100
00:04:03,766 --> 00:04:06,602
who called croquet, "barely a game!"
SHE LAUGHS
101
00:04:06,685 --> 00:04:10,689
It's kinda fun, I guess.
But can I teach you a different game?
102
00:04:10,856 --> 00:04:13,400
In this one,
you just whack it as hard as you can
103
00:04:13,484 --> 00:04:15,360
in whatever direction you want!
104
00:04:15,444 --> 00:04:17,112
Jaguars rule!
105
00:04:18,655 --> 00:04:20,365
The Jaguars are very good!
106
00:04:20,449 --> 00:04:22,743
Ooh!
- Whoa, nice!
107
00:04:28,665 --> 00:04:29,541
Mm!
108
00:04:31,460 --> 00:04:32,586
TAHANI LAUGHS
109
00:04:32,669 --> 00:04:34,755
Fore!
- Well done.
110
00:04:34,838 --> 00:04:36,590
OK, here's where I am on this.
111
00:04:36,673 --> 00:04:38,133
We gotta kill Derek.
112
00:04:38,884 --> 00:04:42,012
No, think about it.
What if Vicky calls for Janet
113
00:04:42,095 --> 00:04:43,931
and Derek shows up too?
114
00:04:44,014 --> 00:04:46,099
She's gotta have a lot of questions
that we can't answer.
115
00:04:46,183 --> 00:04:49,853
But Derek does seem
to be helping Janet get over Jason.
116
00:04:49,937 --> 00:04:52,105
Right? No earthquakes since he showed up.
117
00:04:52,189 --> 00:04:55,943
If we get rid of Derek, then maybe Janet
will start glitching again.
118
00:04:56,026 --> 00:05:00,113
OK, if we can't kill Derek,
then we gotta break up Jason and Tahani.
119
00:05:00,197 --> 00:05:03,617
If that relationship ends
then Janet won't feel sad anymore
120
00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:05,494
and maybe she'll get rid of Derek herself.
121
00:05:05,577 --> 00:05:09,206
Girl, you are a messy bench
who loves drama and I am into it.
122
00:05:09,289 --> 00:05:12,751
I'm sorry, Michael.
But that's also ethically kind of dicey.
123
00:05:12,835 --> 00:05:14,044
Here comes the egghead.
124
00:05:14,127 --> 00:05:16,088
Well, look, Jason and Tahani
are happy together
125
00:05:16,171 --> 00:05:19,341
and telling them that he was once married
to Janet might cause them harm.
126
00:05:19,424 --> 00:05:22,594
It's not permissible to...
to ruin their happiness to save ourselves.
127
00:05:22,678 --> 00:05:26,723
Wait, but isn't keeping a secret
from someone basically like lying though?
128
00:05:26,807 --> 00:05:28,058
No, no, it's OK to keep a secret.
129
00:05:28,141 --> 00:05:30,102
As long as that secret isn't harming anyone.
130
00:05:30,185 --> 00:05:32,521
And telling them that secret
might cause harm.
131
00:05:32,604 --> 00:05:34,189
Noice!
- Cool.
132
00:05:34,273 --> 00:05:35,482
Good point, egghead.
133
00:05:35,566 --> 00:05:37,776
I'll tell you what else
would cause them harm.
134
00:05:37,860 --> 00:05:40,737
Getting caught and being sent
to the real Bad Place
135
00:05:40,821 --> 00:05:45,117
to be tortured for eternity,
which will happen if Derek blows our cover.
136
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:49,580
I know! But we'll also be sent
to the real Bad Place if we do bad things.
137
00:05:49,663 --> 00:05:53,542
I know it's tempting to take a shortcut,
but moral strength is defined
138
00:05:53,625 --> 00:05:56,253
by how we behave in times of stress.
139
00:05:56,336 --> 00:05:59,172
Has anyone ever told you what a drag you are?
140
00:05:59,256 --> 00:06:00,340
Everyone.
141
00:06:01,008 --> 00:06:02,175
Constantly.
142
00:06:03,093 --> 00:06:04,803
TAHANI IMITATES TRUMPET FANFARE
143
00:06:05,220 --> 00:06:08,432
I hereby pronounce you... King Jason!
144
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:10,642
Dope.
145
00:06:11,977 --> 00:06:13,437
Where did you learn how to do this?
146
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,856
The Hertfordshire Academy
for Expressionless Girls.
147
00:06:15,939 --> 00:06:18,358
It was a finishing school I attended
before Oxford.
148
00:06:18,942 --> 00:06:20,402
And then of course the Sorbonne.
149
00:06:21,695 --> 00:06:23,989
You know, I don't think I've ever asked you
where you were educated.
150
00:06:24,072 --> 00:06:27,743
I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School
in Northeast Jacksonville
151
00:06:27,826 --> 00:06:30,579
which was really just a bunch
of tugboats tied together.
152
00:06:30,662 --> 00:06:32,164
Didn't you get seasick?
153
00:06:32,247 --> 00:06:35,042
No, sorry.
They were tied together in a junkyard.
154
00:06:35,584 --> 00:06:37,586
It wasn't a very good school.
155
00:06:38,003 --> 00:06:41,173
For most of my classes,
we just sold dirty magazines door to door.
156
00:06:41,256 --> 00:06:46,094
You know, Jason. Every single detail
about your life is deeply disturbing.
157
00:06:46,178 --> 00:06:48,013
And yet, I envy you. Where I...
158
00:06:48,096 --> 00:06:50,015
I was never allowed to goof off.
159
00:06:51,350 --> 00:06:54,353
I never even had a friend
I could just be myself around.
160
00:06:54,436 --> 00:06:56,146
Maybe I can be that friend.
161
00:06:57,481 --> 00:06:59,816
Or your husband!
162
00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:01,234
TAHANI LAUGHS
OK, stop it.
163
00:07:01,318 --> 00:07:02,861
No, no, no, I'm serious.
164
00:07:03,445 --> 00:07:04,655
Will you marry me?
165
00:07:07,741 --> 00:07:09,993
ELEANOR:
I say we just let sleeping dogs lie.
166
00:07:10,077 --> 00:07:13,747
Tell Janet that Derek can stay,
but she's gotta keep him under wraps
167
00:07:13,830 --> 00:07:15,707
so that none of the other demons find out.
168
00:07:15,791 --> 00:07:19,878
Fine. As long as they fly under the radar,
and Janet stays happy
169
00:07:19,962 --> 00:07:21,171
I think we'll be safe.
- Great.
170
00:07:21,254 --> 00:07:22,547
Janet!
- JANET CHIMES: Because the truth is...
171
00:07:22,631 --> 00:07:23,757
You always do this!
- ...you don't respect me!
172
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:26,093
You make a federal case out of everything!
- ...and you never have
173
00:07:26,176 --> 00:07:27,886
because to you I'll always be
"that guy you made!"
174
00:07:27,970 --> 00:07:29,096
Guys, guys, guys! What's going on?
175
00:07:29,179 --> 00:07:31,390
OK, can we not do this
in front of my friends?
176
00:07:31,473 --> 00:07:33,433
Oh, so they're your friends now?
177
00:07:33,517 --> 00:07:35,644
I'm stating a fact. They are your friends.
178
00:07:35,727 --> 00:07:38,605
I don't know these people. I am out of here.
179
00:07:38,689 --> 00:07:41,233
Oh, great, Derek.
- I'm gonna go back to our void
180
00:07:41,316 --> 00:07:43,944
and I'm gonna try
and forget this ever happened.
181
00:07:44,027 --> 00:07:46,154
It is not your void.
- Oh!
182
00:07:46,238 --> 00:07:47,739
It is my void.
- Wow.
183
00:07:47,823 --> 00:07:51,576
I know it's a boundless, barren nothingness,
but you are always there.
184
00:07:51,660 --> 00:07:53,161
Fine, I'll go somewhere else.
185
00:07:53,245 --> 00:07:55,330
Fine!
- No, not fine, don't go somewhere else!
186
00:07:55,372 --> 00:07:56,498
JANET CHIMES
187
00:07:56,540 --> 00:07:57,791
OK. Yeah.
188
00:07:58,333 --> 00:08:00,002
We're forked here, aren't we?
189
00:08:01,753 --> 00:08:02,796
TAHANI:
Look, Jason.
190
00:08:02,879 --> 00:08:05,924
You're lovely and I've honestly
had a wonderful time with you
191
00:08:06,008 --> 00:08:07,050
these past few weeks.
192
00:08:07,134 --> 00:08:09,261
But why on Earth would I marry you?
193
00:08:09,344 --> 00:08:12,097
Well, for one thing, we're not on Earth.
194
00:08:12,639 --> 00:08:13,724
Decent point.
195
00:08:13,807 --> 00:08:19,938
Also, we like each other.
And I promise to always be nice to you.
196
00:08:21,481 --> 00:08:22,357
OK.
197
00:08:23,275 --> 00:08:24,317
I'll marry you.
198
00:08:24,901 --> 00:08:26,945
But I need some time
to plan a proper reception.
199
00:08:27,029 --> 00:08:28,071
I mean, where will everyone sit?
200
00:08:28,155 --> 00:08:29,698
Will it Michael and Janet
opposite Chidi and Eleanor
201
00:08:29,781 --> 00:08:31,283
or Michael and Eleanor
opposite Janet and Chidi?
202
00:08:31,366 --> 00:08:33,243
Let's just have it today. At the beach!
203
00:08:33,326 --> 00:08:34,786
The beach is where all the best stuff happens
204
00:08:34,870 --> 00:08:38,665
like, uh... swimsuit issues,
and "Saving Private Ryan"
205
00:08:38,749 --> 00:08:41,668
and "Jersey Shore" and crabs!
206
00:08:41,752 --> 00:08:44,212
OK. Oh, I hope Janet's back online.
- Mm.
207
00:08:44,296 --> 00:08:46,506
Janet?
- JANET CHIMES: Hi there.
208
00:08:47,924 --> 00:08:51,094
Is everything alright, Janet?
- Yeah. Mm-hm. Everything's fine.
209
00:08:51,178 --> 00:08:52,387
It's OK. Yeah, I'm fine.
210
00:08:52,471 --> 00:08:55,057
So, it's all fine.
SHE LAUGHS
211
00:08:55,140 --> 00:08:56,725
HER VOICE BREAKS:
How can I help you?
212
00:08:56,808 --> 00:08:58,060
ELEANOR GASPS
- Where? There he is!
213
00:08:58,143 --> 00:08:59,269
Derek. How are you?
- MICHAEL: Derek!
214
00:08:59,352 --> 00:09:00,812
Nice to meet you.
- Derek!
215
00:09:00,896 --> 00:09:02,105
Derek, get down from there!
216
00:09:02,189 --> 00:09:04,941
I am not coming down
because I'm meant to come here.
217
00:09:05,025 --> 00:09:06,777
I came here on purpose...
- MICHAEL: Shh.
218
00:09:06,860 --> 00:09:09,279
...cos this tree is my new house.
This is Derek's house
219
00:09:09,362 --> 00:09:12,282
and Janet's not allowed in,
because I booby-trapped it.
220
00:09:12,365 --> 00:09:13,283
OK, OK!
- JANET CHIMES: Hi.
221
00:09:13,325 --> 00:09:15,452
Janet! Oh, my God, you're here! Thank, God!
222
00:09:15,535 --> 00:09:18,288
Derek, I am not talking to you right now.
223
00:09:18,371 --> 00:09:19,372
I'm here to announce
224
00:09:19,456 --> 00:09:24,711
that Jason Mendoza and Tahani Al-Jamil
are getting married this evening.
225
00:09:26,129 --> 00:09:29,299
"The ceremony will be private,
but we think it would be totally dope"
226
00:09:29,382 --> 00:09:33,512
"if you biz-natches came
and got turnt up with us afterward."
227
00:09:33,595 --> 00:09:35,305
I think I can guess who wrote the invitation.
228
00:09:35,388 --> 00:09:37,599
How come you never get
this upset at anything I do, Janet?
229
00:09:37,682 --> 00:09:39,643
Do not start with me right now, Derek?
230
00:09:39,726 --> 00:09:41,603
Oh, I will start it.
- No, no, no, don't!
231
00:09:41,686 --> 00:09:45,065
JANET CHIMES
- Oh! Do not avoid me by going to the void.
232
00:09:45,148 --> 00:09:46,525
No, no, no!
- DEREK CHIMES
233
00:09:46,566 --> 00:09:48,985
What a little bench!
- Argh!
234
00:09:49,069 --> 00:09:51,113
Things are falling apart here.
235
00:09:51,196 --> 00:09:56,368
Chidi, I understand the ethics involved,
but we need to stop that wedding!
236
00:09:56,451 --> 00:09:58,870
We break up Jason and Tahani.
237
00:09:58,954 --> 00:10:02,582
Janet stops being sad. Derek goes away.
238
00:10:02,666 --> 00:10:04,584
CHIDI SIGHS
Fine, but...
239
00:10:04,668 --> 00:10:05,669
MICHAEL AND ELEANOR GROAN
240
00:10:05,752 --> 00:10:07,420
...there's something
called the Doctrine of Double Effect.
241
00:10:07,504 --> 00:10:09,506
In order to remain ethical,
you can't just go into this
242
00:10:09,589 --> 00:10:11,049
with the intention of killing Derek.
243
00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:13,969
Your only goal has to be
to spare Jason and Tahani
244
00:10:14,052 --> 00:10:16,972
from future pain by filling them in
on Jason's past.
245
00:10:17,055 --> 00:10:18,265
No, I gotcha. I gotcha.
246
00:10:18,348 --> 00:10:22,435
So, it's like ethically we should tell Jason
that he used to be married to Janet
247
00:10:22,519 --> 00:10:26,314
and it sure would be terrible
if that ultimately led to Derek's death.
248
00:10:26,398 --> 00:10:27,941
Wink.
- No, the winking is bad.
249
00:10:28,024 --> 00:10:30,485
You should not be winking
or saying the word, "wink."
250
00:10:30,569 --> 00:10:32,821
OK. We really need to kill...
251
00:10:33,363 --> 00:10:37,284
We really need to kill any suspicion
that I wanna murder Derek.
252
00:10:37,659 --> 00:10:38,577
Boom!
253
00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:39,744
CHIDI GROANS
- Wink!
254
00:10:39,828 --> 00:10:41,413
You shouldn't be winking either.
255
00:10:41,746 --> 00:10:42,622
Guys!
256
00:10:43,498 --> 00:10:46,001
JASON:
Tahani, you're so smart.
257
00:10:46,084 --> 00:10:50,755
Every day you teach me something new
about art, and history, and...
258
00:10:50,839 --> 00:10:53,425
and why I shouldn't eat
everything that smells good...
259
00:10:53,508 --> 00:10:55,886
because sometimes, it's candles.
260
00:10:55,969 --> 00:10:59,264
TAHANI CHUCKLES
- You're basically like a hot genius teacher
261
00:10:59,347 --> 00:11:02,392
who sometimes has sex with me, your student.
262
00:11:03,476 --> 00:11:06,563
That used to happen a lot
at Lynyrd Skynyrd High School.
263
00:11:06,646 --> 00:11:08,023
But this time, you won't be arrested.
264
00:11:09,065 --> 00:11:11,401
Oh, I love you, Tahani.
265
00:11:12,819 --> 00:11:15,071
Brap! Brap! Brap! Pew! Pew!
266
00:11:16,781 --> 00:11:21,286
Jason. I never guessed
we'd be where we are today.
267
00:11:21,369 --> 00:11:24,623
Me, a prominent British philanthropist
with award-winning legs
268
00:11:24,706 --> 00:11:28,043
set to marry you,
a swamp-dweller who once asked me
269
00:11:28,126 --> 00:11:31,796
if the presidents on Mount Rushmore
have butts on the other side.
270
00:11:32,672 --> 00:11:35,550
We don't make any sense together.
271
00:11:35,634 --> 00:11:38,803
And yet, when I'm with,
you I can really let my hair down -
272
00:11:38,887 --> 00:11:42,349
metaphorically speaking, of course, since
I'd never have it up in the first place.
273
00:11:42,432 --> 00:11:43,475
SHE LAUGHS
274
00:11:43,558 --> 00:11:44,935
I'm not a factory worker.
275
00:11:45,518 --> 00:11:49,606
But you've helped me to see
that there is more to life than just...
276
00:11:49,689 --> 00:11:53,818
appearances. And I can't believe
I'm about to say this, but...
277
00:11:54,986 --> 00:11:56,446
I think I love--
- MICHAEL: Wait!
278
00:11:56,529 --> 00:11:57,948
Stop the ceremony!
279
00:11:58,615 --> 00:12:01,034
This wedding cannot happen.
280
00:12:01,117 --> 00:12:03,119
This is not helpful,
but I have always wanted
281
00:12:03,203 --> 00:12:05,538
to be a part of a wedding
that was stopped dramatically.
282
00:12:05,622 --> 00:12:07,499
We can't get married? Why not?
283
00:12:07,582 --> 00:12:09,709
MICHAEL:
Because... because...
284
00:12:10,627 --> 00:12:12,504
Hang on a second. I can't do it.
285
00:12:12,587 --> 00:12:14,422
Professor Buzzkill got in my head.
286
00:12:14,506 --> 00:12:17,926
I'm just thinking about all the rules
I have to follow to stay ethical.
287
00:12:18,009 --> 00:12:20,303
Someone else is gonna have to do this,
I... I... No.
288
00:12:20,387 --> 00:12:23,390
Alright, alright, alright.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news...
289
00:12:23,473 --> 00:12:26,893
Uh, I think you mean "Bad News Bear."
290
00:12:28,728 --> 00:12:32,857
Before all the reboots,
Jason was married to Janet, OK?
291
00:12:32,941 --> 00:12:36,361
That's why Janet's been glitching,
because she's sad cos she misses Jason.
292
00:12:36,444 --> 00:12:39,447
In fact, she was so sad she... Well...
293
00:12:40,490 --> 00:12:43,118
Derek?
- DEREK CHIMES: Well, well, well.
294
00:12:43,576 --> 00:12:44,869
Jason Mendoza.
295
00:12:45,453 --> 00:12:46,997
At last we meet.
296
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,999
You've got a lot of nerve, buddy.
297
00:12:49,082 --> 00:12:50,542
No, no, I'm Eleanor, man.
- What?
298
00:12:51,459 --> 00:12:53,378
Everybody, this is Derek.
299
00:12:53,461 --> 00:12:55,922
Janet made Derek as a boyfriend
300
00:12:56,006 --> 00:12:57,966
to try and rebound from Jason.
301
00:12:59,884 --> 00:13:01,636
Oh, I feel quite lightheaded.
302
00:13:02,220 --> 00:13:05,890
Janet, fetch my dizzy couch, please.
- JANET CHIMES
303
00:13:05,974 --> 00:13:08,560
SHE SIGHS
- Uh, Jason, Tahani.
304
00:13:08,643 --> 00:13:10,603
You guys stay there, OK?
- HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
305
00:13:10,687 --> 00:13:13,064
The rest of you, come with me, right now!
306
00:13:13,148 --> 00:13:14,316
So, it's true.
307
00:13:14,399 --> 00:13:16,901
I'm just some sort of consolation prize.
- Derek!
308
00:13:16,985 --> 00:13:20,363
Save the drama for your mama
and technically, I am your mama
309
00:13:20,447 --> 00:13:22,532
and I don't want it!
- Ugh!
310
00:13:23,658 --> 00:13:24,909
MICHAEL:
Decision time.
311
00:13:24,993 --> 00:13:27,704
Any second now, someone's gonna
realise we're all missing.
312
00:13:27,787 --> 00:13:29,539
Why don't you just reboot all of us?
313
00:13:29,622 --> 00:13:32,000
Tahani and Jason
will forget they were ever in love.
314
00:13:32,083 --> 00:13:34,419
It was a fluky thing,
it probably won't happen again.
315
00:13:34,502 --> 00:13:36,171
And Chidi and I can forget, uh...
316
00:13:36,254 --> 00:13:38,506
Anything we want to forget.
317
00:13:38,590 --> 00:13:43,219
You know just like, uh... personal bloopers
that were embarrassing or, uh...
318
00:13:43,303 --> 00:13:45,388
Days where we were very gassy, etc.
319
00:13:45,472 --> 00:13:47,098
And then we'll meet back in your office.
320
00:13:47,182 --> 00:13:49,976
You bring us up to speed
and we go from there.
321
00:13:50,060 --> 00:13:52,228
No, no, no. We're not starting over.
322
00:13:52,312 --> 00:13:53,563
We've come too far.
323
00:13:53,646 --> 00:13:57,359
Our only options are
to reboot either Janet, or Derek.
324
00:13:57,442 --> 00:14:00,362
Neither one is permissible
as your primary intention.
325
00:14:00,445 --> 00:14:03,239
I mean, the Doctrine of Double Effect,
remember?
326
00:14:03,323 --> 00:14:07,911
Well, man, I'm working with the "Doctrine
of Not Being Completely Effed." OK?
327
00:14:07,994 --> 00:14:11,498
I say we just reboot both of them
and see what shakes out.
328
00:14:11,539 --> 00:14:12,415
ELEANOR:
OK.
329
00:14:13,083 --> 00:14:14,250
MICHAEL SIGHS
330
00:14:16,169 --> 00:14:18,755
No, no, Michael, Michael,
please, please, I have a son.
331
00:14:18,838 --> 00:14:21,174
He's also my boyfriend.
I have a boyfriend-son.
332
00:14:21,257 --> 00:14:23,426
Please, Michael, no. I was just born today.
333
00:14:23,510 --> 00:14:25,428
I'm a baby.
- I birthed him. I'm a mummy.
334
00:14:25,512 --> 00:14:26,971
Don't kill a baby, Michael.
- Argh!
335
00:14:27,055 --> 00:14:28,390
Would you kill a baby?
336
00:14:28,473 --> 00:14:29,808
MICHAEL:
I can't stand this. I just hate this!
337
00:14:29,891 --> 00:14:31,684
I don't understand
what you even like about Jason.
338
00:14:32,018 --> 00:14:33,770
What does he have that I don't have?
339
00:14:33,853 --> 00:14:34,896
A soul.
340
00:14:35,105 --> 00:14:36,439
And genitals.
- Ugh!
341
00:14:36,523 --> 00:14:39,484
Here we go, with this whole "no genitals"
thing again.
342
00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:42,153
You're the one that gave me
wind chimes instead of a penis, Janet!
343
00:14:42,237 --> 00:14:44,572
This isn't about your wind-chime penis.
344
00:14:44,656 --> 00:14:46,282
In fact, it's not about you at all.
345
00:14:46,366 --> 00:14:50,036
I don't even know what it is about,
which is very confusing
346
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,997
because the whole point of me
is that I know everything!
347
00:14:53,081 --> 00:14:55,917
Janet, can I speak
to you alone for a second?
348
00:14:56,459 --> 00:14:59,838
OK, look. When you said
you were sad about Jason...
349
00:14:59,921 --> 00:15:02,799
and I suggested, "Hey, find a rebound guy."
350
00:15:02,882 --> 00:15:05,385
It's cos I thought
it was some sort of schoolgirl crush
351
00:15:05,468 --> 00:15:07,846
like just some guy
you made out with a couple of times
352
00:15:07,929 --> 00:15:10,640
in the walk-in freezer
of a Bruegger's Bagels.
353
00:15:10,723 --> 00:15:12,267
Not based on a real example.
354
00:15:12,350 --> 00:15:14,894
Yes, it is. His name was Marcus Bicksburger.
355
00:15:14,978 --> 00:15:16,896
Marcus? I always called him Ben.
356
00:15:16,980 --> 00:15:19,941
Look, I gave you bad advice...
- Uh-huh.
357
00:15:20,024 --> 00:15:22,986
OK? Jason was clearly important to you...
- Yeah.
358
00:15:23,069 --> 00:15:25,572
...and real heartbreak
doesn't have a simple cure.
359
00:15:25,655 --> 00:15:27,198
JANET:
Mm-mm.
360
00:15:27,282 --> 00:15:29,993
I mean, you will feel better
after some time goes by.
361
00:15:30,076 --> 00:15:32,537
I don't really experience
the passage of time.
362
00:15:32,912 --> 00:15:34,789
I do use it as lotion, occasionally, but...
363
00:15:34,873 --> 00:15:38,126
I mean, weird, but keep doing it
cos your skin looks amazing.
364
00:15:38,209 --> 00:15:39,669
Thank you. Not skin.
365
00:15:39,752 --> 00:15:42,422
The point is, to get through a real
heartbreak
366
00:15:42,505 --> 00:15:45,550
you kind of just have to sit
with your feelings, and mull it over
367
00:15:45,633 --> 00:15:47,135
and power through.
368
00:15:48,261 --> 00:15:51,181
And you have to talk about it. Ugh!
369
00:15:51,264 --> 00:15:53,683
Talking about your feelings is the worst.
370
00:15:53,766 --> 00:15:56,102
It's so much easier
just to find a rebound guy
371
00:15:56,186 --> 00:15:57,479
and have sex about your feelings.
372
00:15:57,562 --> 00:15:59,606
I don't know if I want to talk to Jason
right now.
373
00:15:59,689 --> 00:16:01,649
That's cool. Until then...
374
00:16:02,650 --> 00:16:05,695
if you ever need a friend to talk to,
just know I'm here.
375
00:16:06,446 --> 00:16:08,656
That's really kind of you, Eleanor.
Thank you.
376
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:12,368
And in case you were wondering,
Marcus is still at that Bruegger's Bagels
377
00:16:12,452 --> 00:16:16,915
and he's the manager now!
- Good for Ben.
378
00:16:16,998 --> 00:16:18,541
Marcus.
- Marcus.
379
00:16:19,334 --> 00:16:21,753
Derek, there's no easy way to say this.
380
00:16:21,836 --> 00:16:23,963
I never should have made you.
- Hm.
381
00:16:24,047 --> 00:16:25,840
I think it's time for you to go away.
382
00:16:25,924 --> 00:16:28,593
I understand because you understand.
383
00:16:28,676 --> 00:16:33,723
Janet, this relationship has been
the best seven hours of my whole life.
384
00:16:33,806 --> 00:16:35,934
It's been the only seven hours
of my whole life.
385
00:16:36,017 --> 00:16:37,310
It's been my whole life.
386
00:16:37,393 --> 00:16:38,770
I made you this morning, we all remember.
387
00:16:38,853 --> 00:16:40,480
OK, you ready to do this?
- Yep.
388
00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:47,529
MICHAEL:
Janet? What are you doing?
389
00:16:47,612 --> 00:16:49,906
I imbued Derek with some of my thoughts,
and emotions.
390
00:16:49,989 --> 00:16:51,658
This is the only way I can re-absorb them.
391
00:16:51,741 --> 00:16:53,117
It'll just be a minute.
392
00:16:54,244 --> 00:16:57,163
Dang it! That is some hot re-absorbing.
393
00:16:57,247 --> 00:16:59,249
Can you get pregnant from re-absorbing?
394
00:16:59,332 --> 00:17:00,708
WIND CHIMES TINKLE
395
00:17:00,792 --> 00:17:03,711
Uh-oh. I hear wind chimes.
Look away! Everybody, look away!
396
00:17:03,795 --> 00:17:06,005
I'm gonna keep watching,
but you guys look away!
397
00:17:09,175 --> 00:17:10,260
Goodbye, Derek.
398
00:17:10,343 --> 00:17:13,680
From the moment I made you,
everyone wanted to kill you.
399
00:17:14,973 --> 00:17:16,057
And then I did.
400
00:17:16,140 --> 00:17:17,850
Goodbye, mummy-girlfriend.
401
00:17:17,934 --> 00:17:20,645
Bye, everybody!
MUFFLED: Derek's going away now.
402
00:17:21,729 --> 00:17:24,065
Does he seem a little bit, uh...
403
00:17:24,107 --> 00:17:25,191
still alive?
404
00:17:25,275 --> 00:17:27,068
Well, he's about as dead as he can be.
405
00:17:27,527 --> 00:17:29,362
Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.
406
00:17:29,445 --> 00:17:30,989
DEREK:
Derek.
407
00:17:31,531 --> 00:17:33,074
Are you worried
you might start glitching again?
408
00:17:33,157 --> 00:17:36,578
No. I think I'll be OK now that I understand
what I'm going through.
409
00:17:36,661 --> 00:17:39,205
And now that I know
I can talk to my friends about it.
410
00:17:39,998 --> 00:17:41,916
OK, I'm gonna toss this steamer trunk
411
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,376
containing the lifeless husk
of my ex-boyfriend
412
00:17:43,459 --> 00:17:46,588
into a remote corner of my limitless void!
Bye, guys!
413
00:17:46,671 --> 00:17:48,298
DEREK: Derek!
- JANET CHIMES
414
00:17:48,381 --> 00:17:49,507
ELEANOR SIGHS
415
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:52,594
JASON:
I'm kinda glad we didn't get married today.
416
00:17:53,261 --> 00:17:56,306
Me too.
Perhaps we were rushing things a bit.
417
00:17:56,389 --> 00:17:58,141
I mean we don't even know
that much about each other.
418
00:17:58,808 --> 00:18:00,935
Like, who was the first person you kissed?
419
00:18:01,019 --> 00:18:04,314
The sexy mouse robot
in the Chuck E Cheese band.
420
00:18:04,897 --> 00:18:06,232
Yeah, it was...
- OK, OK.
421
00:18:06,316 --> 00:18:08,318
I think that's probably enough
"getting to know each other" for now.
422
00:18:08,401 --> 00:18:09,652
We'll just take things slow.
423
00:18:10,903 --> 00:18:13,072
I know I'm technically married to Janet.
424
00:18:13,156 --> 00:18:15,700
But I don't remember it at all.
425
00:18:17,243 --> 00:18:19,996
I'm sorry that it puts you
in a weird position.
426
00:18:20,079 --> 00:18:21,914
And I still like you a lot.
427
00:18:23,666 --> 00:18:24,959
Me too.
428
00:18:26,669 --> 00:18:28,004
What happens now?
429
00:18:28,921 --> 00:18:32,008
Don't know. Do you want to try...
430
00:18:33,593 --> 00:18:34,719
re-absorbing me?
431
00:18:34,802 --> 00:18:36,179
SHE LAUGHS
432
00:18:41,976 --> 00:18:43,353
ELEANOR SIGHS
433
00:18:44,020 --> 00:18:45,980
Something wrong?
- No.
434
00:18:46,856 --> 00:18:51,611
Yep. I've been keeping a secret from you,
about you.
435
00:18:51,694 --> 00:18:52,779
What is it?
436
00:18:52,862 --> 00:18:55,990
The thing is, it's not even harming you,
and... and... and if I tell you
437
00:18:56,074 --> 00:18:57,784
I feel like it... it might harm you.
438
00:18:57,867 --> 00:18:59,661
So, uh, ethically speaking
439
00:18:59,744 --> 00:19:00,870
I don't think I have to tell you.
440
00:19:00,953 --> 00:19:02,330
Yeah, well...forget all that.
441
00:19:02,413 --> 00:19:04,999
Um, this is freaking me out.
I'm losing my mind. So just tell me.
442
00:19:07,251 --> 00:19:11,214
And you don't need to respond cos
I know you have trouble saying how you feel.
443
00:19:11,297 --> 00:19:12,423
I love you too.
444
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,303
REMOTE CONTROL CLICKS
445
00:19:17,387 --> 00:19:18,763
Wow, OK.
446
00:19:19,347 --> 00:19:21,474
You just... said it.
447
00:19:21,516 --> 00:19:26,145
And I just said it, so effortlessly.
448
00:19:26,229 --> 00:19:28,147
I've never been that certain about anything.
449
00:19:28,231 --> 00:19:31,651
I once even tried to rent socks.
450
00:19:31,693 --> 00:19:35,238
How did I say that, that easily?
451
00:19:35,697 --> 00:19:37,699
I mean, I get how you said it.
452
00:19:38,658 --> 00:19:39,951
I'm a total smoke-show.
453
00:19:40,827 --> 00:19:42,578
But how did I say it so easily?
454
00:19:44,330 --> 00:19:48,042
Look, I don't want to talk about this,
but after everything that's happened today
455
00:19:48,126 --> 00:19:51,879
I think we gotta.
So, let's just get it all out there.
456
00:19:51,963 --> 00:19:53,005
Um...
457
00:19:54,173 --> 00:19:55,925
Well, yeah, I guess, do you...
458
00:19:56,008 --> 00:20:00,346
I don't know, do you have any feelings
like that for me again now?
459
00:20:02,765 --> 00:20:05,560
I'm... I'm sorry, but I don't think I do.
460
00:20:06,978 --> 00:20:08,646
S... "sorry"? Why are you sorry?
461
00:20:08,730 --> 00:20:12,150
Cos I'm relieved, because I don't either.
462
00:20:12,233 --> 00:20:13,943
So, all good.
463
00:20:14,026 --> 00:20:16,654
I mean, I, I... I feel incredibly close
to you...
464
00:20:16,738 --> 00:20:18,781
No, no, no! Dude, dude, you don't...
- ...in many ways.
465
00:20:18,865 --> 00:20:22,535
...need to explain yourself.
We are on the same page. OK. Good.
466
00:20:22,618 --> 00:20:24,871
KNOCK ON DOOR
- Hey, guys. Sorry, I, uh...
467
00:20:24,954 --> 00:20:25,997
I know it's late.
468
00:20:26,748 --> 00:20:28,166
Can I talk to Eleanor for a second?
469
00:20:28,249 --> 00:20:29,584
Actually, we're chatting
about something right now.
470
00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:31,586
No, it's cool. We were wrapping it up.
Good talk, bro.
471
00:20:34,422 --> 00:20:35,548
What's on your mind?
472
00:20:35,631 --> 00:20:38,134
Uh... well.
473
00:20:38,217 --> 00:20:41,262
Being ethical... it's hard.
474
00:20:41,345 --> 00:20:42,722
And I kind of hate it.
475
00:20:42,805 --> 00:20:46,017
When's it get easier?
- Why are you asking me?
476
00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:47,393
Why don't you ask Chidi?
477
00:20:47,477 --> 00:20:50,938
He's the ethics master. I'm just a newbie
and I still kinda suck at it.
478
00:20:51,022 --> 00:20:53,357
Yeah. That's why I'm asking you.
479
00:20:53,441 --> 00:20:56,402
I designed this entire torture chamber
480
00:20:56,486 --> 00:20:59,989
around the absolute certainty
that when the going got tough
481
00:21:00,072 --> 00:21:03,159
you would give up.
That was the signature Shellstrop move!
482
00:21:03,242 --> 00:21:06,287
Do you remember once
when your "change oil" light came on?
483
00:21:06,370 --> 00:21:09,040
You just abandoned your car
in a parking garage.
484
00:21:09,123 --> 00:21:10,917
Of course.
- But here...
485
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:15,129
faced with the toughest challenges
I could throw at you...
486
00:21:15,213 --> 00:21:19,258
you never once stopped trying to become
a better person, and I just...
487
00:21:21,010 --> 00:21:21,886
Why?
488
00:21:21,969 --> 00:21:23,679
I... I don't know.
489
00:21:23,763 --> 00:21:26,682
I mean, whenever
I would do something crappy on Earth
490
00:21:26,766 --> 00:21:30,269
there would be a little tiny voice
in the back of my head, that would say
491
00:21:30,353 --> 00:21:34,899
"Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives
from the salad bar."
492
00:21:34,982 --> 00:21:36,067
You know, "You didn't pay for that."
493
00:21:36,150 --> 00:21:39,654
Or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits
onto the floor of the grocery store."
494
00:21:39,737 --> 00:21:40,613
"That's not cool."
495
00:21:40,696 --> 00:21:45,159
Or "Eleanor, that old man just
slipped on your olive pit and he fell down."
496
00:21:45,243 --> 00:21:48,371
"Don't use the fact that everyone's
distracted to go back and steal more olives."
497
00:21:48,454 --> 00:21:50,081
I get it.
- The thing is...
498
00:21:50,665 --> 00:21:53,000
I still did those things.
499
00:21:53,084 --> 00:21:54,877
I just ignored the voice.
500
00:21:55,795 --> 00:21:58,130
This ethics stuff - it's hard.
501
00:21:58,214 --> 00:22:01,634
And it's confusing. It is such a buzzkill.
502
00:22:02,927 --> 00:22:05,513
But it does get rid of the little voice.
503
00:22:05,596 --> 00:22:08,057
Because at least
I'm trying to do the right thing
504
00:22:08,140 --> 00:22:09,725
instead of the crappy thing, and...
505
00:22:09,809 --> 00:22:12,979
I gotta say, man,
I don't miss the little voice.
506
00:22:14,146 --> 00:22:15,189
Well...
507
00:22:16,649 --> 00:22:18,109
Thank you for helping me today.
508
00:22:21,112 --> 00:22:26,075
Wow. You, uh... you really
did just come here to chat, didn't you?
509
00:22:26,158 --> 00:22:28,828
Just shootin' the shirt
with your old pal, Eleanor.
510
00:22:28,911 --> 00:22:30,246
I guess so, yeah, why?
511
00:22:30,329 --> 00:22:32,915
It's just a very human-y thing to do.
512
00:22:33,749 --> 00:22:35,543
Stick with the programme, demon buddy.
513
00:22:35,626 --> 00:22:38,796
I really feel like things are starting
to click in our little study group.
514
00:22:40,798 --> 00:22:41,924
Mm.
515
00:22:44,677 --> 00:22:47,513
Hello, Michael. Shut the door.
516
00:22:47,638 --> 00:22:48,639
Have a seat.