1
00:00:17,289 --> 00:00:18,498
Hello.
- Oh!

2
00:00:19,207 --> 00:00:20,542
S... sorry.

3
00:00:20,625 --> 00:00:25,005
To activate your Janet,
press nose for three seconds.

4
00:00:25,130 --> 00:00:26,381
OK, OK.

5
00:00:26,465 --> 00:00:28,425
Um, can you walk yet?

6
00:00:29,384 --> 00:00:30,302
Here.

7
00:00:32,471 --> 00:00:33,346
Oh.

8
00:00:33,847 --> 00:00:35,265
Hello, I'm Janet.
- Shh.

9
00:00:35,932 --> 00:00:37,434
Hello.
- Shh.

10
00:00:38,101 --> 00:00:41,104
Hello, I'm Janet.
- I really need you to shut up.

11
00:00:50,489 --> 00:00:52,032
Where did you get this?

12
00:00:52,115 --> 00:00:53,992
Did you actually get
into the Good Place somehow?

13
00:00:54,076 --> 00:00:57,829
Didn't need to. They keep their Janets
in a neutral pocket dimension

14
00:00:57,913 --> 00:00:59,456
beneath the shapeless time void.

15
00:01:00,165 --> 00:01:01,541
It's right next to Accounting.

16
00:01:01,625 --> 00:01:04,795
And you just walked in and stole her?
It was that easy?

17
00:01:04,878 --> 00:01:07,464
You didn't have to choke out an angel
or anything?

18
00:01:07,547 --> 00:01:09,091
Doors were unlocked, no security.

19
00:01:09,174 --> 00:01:10,258
I mean, it makes sense, right?

20
00:01:10,342 --> 00:01:13,762
They're good, so they're stupid and trusting.

21
00:01:13,845 --> 00:01:16,264
I understand that you need the four humans
to think they're in the Good Place

22
00:01:16,348 --> 00:01:19,184
but using an actual
Good Place Janet seems risky.

23
00:01:19,267 --> 00:01:22,145
Why don't you just have a Bad Place Janet
pretend to be good?

24
00:01:22,229 --> 00:01:24,106
I thought of that, but... watch.

25
00:01:24,523 --> 00:01:26,775
Bad Janet?
- What up, skidmarks?

26
00:01:26,858 --> 00:01:30,570
Let's try that thing again
where you pretend to be a Good Janet.

27
00:01:30,612 --> 00:01:31,488
OK?

28
00:01:31,571 --> 00:01:33,532
Now, really... really try your best.

29
00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:35,158
Fine.
- Say, Janet.

30
00:01:35,242 --> 00:01:37,994
Where can I get some delicious ice-cream?

31
00:01:38,078 --> 00:01:41,748
Oh, there's a wonderful parlour
in the middle of town square.

32
00:01:41,832 --> 00:01:44,626
My favourite flavour is rocky road.

33
00:01:44,709 --> 00:01:49,589
It contains chocolate ribbon,
marshmallows, and your...

34
00:01:49,673 --> 00:01:54,094
dad's salty nuts, you fat dink!

35
00:01:59,349 --> 00:02:01,643
I see what you mean. Use the Good one.

36
00:02:04,396 --> 00:02:09,151
Janet, you and I are about
to have a real adventure together.

37
00:02:10,318 --> 00:02:12,904
Wait a second, Janet.
What are you telling me?

38
00:02:12,988 --> 00:02:15,198
Are you saying that
because you're glitching out--

39
00:02:15,282 --> 00:02:17,617
The Neighborhood is in danger
of total collapse.

40
00:02:17,701 --> 00:02:18,827
Fun fact -

41
00:02:18,869 --> 00:02:22,664
mathematically, it's equally likely to either
im-or-explode.

42
00:02:22,706 --> 00:02:24,666
OK, OK.

43
00:02:25,709 --> 00:02:29,713
So I suppose the next question should be,
"What's causing the problem?"

44
00:02:29,796 --> 00:02:33,550
Unclear. The glitches started out small,
and then began to escalate.

45
00:02:33,633 --> 00:02:36,636
And then I came here looking for help,
and then I started talking.

46
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:40,807
And then you looked at me, annoyed,
like that, and now here we are.

47
00:02:40,891 --> 00:02:42,767
OK. Alright.

48
00:02:43,351 --> 00:02:46,646
Yeah, this is very bad.
Let's run a full diagnostic, Janet.

49
00:02:46,730 --> 00:02:47,939
You got it!

50
00:02:50,901 --> 00:02:54,196
A little short on time here, Janet.
- It's just a little hard to get out.

51
00:02:55,155 --> 00:02:56,781
Almost got it.

52
00:02:58,200 --> 00:02:59,492
Here it is.

53
00:03:00,744 --> 00:03:01,828
My user manual.

54
00:03:02,412 --> 00:03:04,623
OK. Let's get started.

55
00:03:11,504 --> 00:03:13,590
"Hello, and welcome to your new Janet."

56
00:03:13,673 --> 00:03:17,802
"Janets are brought to you by the makers
of light, darkness, and everything."

57
00:03:17,886 --> 00:03:19,638
I need to skip ahead here.

58
00:03:19,721 --> 00:03:21,848
Where's the, uh, troubleshooting part?

59
00:03:21,932 --> 00:03:23,225
Michael.
- Hmm?

60
00:03:23,308 --> 00:03:24,434
What's with the earthquake?

61
00:03:24,517 --> 00:03:27,187
Janet's experiencing
a slight technical issue.

62
00:03:27,270 --> 00:03:28,438
Ew. What's wrong with it?

63
00:03:28,521 --> 00:03:31,900
Oh, um, uh...
- I tried to eat some frozen yogurt.

64
00:03:31,983 --> 00:03:34,319
It looked so good,
but I'm not supposed to eat anything.

65
00:03:34,402 --> 00:03:35,904
So there was a little earthquake.

66
00:03:38,323 --> 00:03:42,160
See? There it is again.
- Can't you just reset these things?

67
00:03:42,244 --> 00:03:44,788
What do you do again?
Oh, it's the ears, yeah?

68
00:03:44,871 --> 00:03:47,165
It's... it's, uh... It's down, down, out...

69
00:03:47,249 --> 00:03:49,793
Vicky, can I... can I speak to you
just for a second outside?

70
00:03:49,876 --> 00:03:53,171
Look, this is a common problem,
and I've got it under control.

71
00:03:53,255 --> 00:03:54,506
I don't know, man.

72
00:03:54,589 --> 00:03:57,884
First you went rogue at the party with
your sports car and your weird earring...

73
00:03:59,219 --> 00:04:00,971
And now Janet's breaking down? I mean...

74
00:04:01,054 --> 00:04:05,100
it's like you're begging me
to tell Shawn that you're incompetent.

75
00:04:05,183 --> 00:04:06,559
<i>Begging.</i>

76
00:04:06,643 --> 00:04:09,145
Vicky, this is a temporary problem.
I promise.

77
00:04:09,229 --> 00:04:11,856
Hey, you know who could use some torturing
right now?

78
00:04:12,232 --> 00:04:14,234
Chidi.
- Oh!

79
00:04:14,317 --> 00:04:15,944
I love torturing Chidi.
- I know.

80
00:04:16,027 --> 00:04:18,405
No, actually,
I had this great idea the other night.

81
00:04:18,488 --> 00:04:20,573
Thought it was worth exploring. Picture this.

82
00:04:21,574 --> 00:04:22,784
Needles.

83
00:04:24,452 --> 00:04:26,162
Oh, that's the whole idea.

84
00:04:26,246 --> 00:04:27,580
Yeah, yeah.
- Needles.

85
00:04:27,664 --> 00:04:28,832
Genius, right?
- Yeah.

86
00:04:28,873 --> 00:04:29,833
I mean, needles!

87
00:04:29,916 --> 00:04:32,544
Oh, wonderful. Wonderful. So smart.
- Yeah.

88
00:04:32,794 --> 00:04:34,796
Needles. Yeah, run with that.

89
00:04:36,214 --> 00:04:38,550
OK, hopefully bought us a little time.

90
00:04:38,633 --> 00:04:40,510
Where were we? Uh...

91
00:04:40,593 --> 00:04:42,178
Oh, here we go, yeah. Glitches!

92
00:04:42,262 --> 00:04:45,432
"In the event of malfunction,
run the following tests."

93
00:04:45,515 --> 00:04:48,184
"First test, Basic Corporeal Function."

94
00:04:48,268 --> 00:04:49,436
Hop up on the table there.

95
00:04:57,277 --> 00:04:58,153
Alright, great.

96
00:05:00,530 --> 00:05:03,533
Ninety-nine-point-seven trillion degrees.

97
00:05:03,783 --> 00:05:05,660
A little bit on the high side, but no biggie.

98
00:05:05,744 --> 00:05:07,245
And...

99
00:05:07,704 --> 00:05:09,122
still no blood!

100
00:05:09,205 --> 00:05:11,791
Oh, thank goodness. OK, what's next?

101
00:05:11,875 --> 00:05:13,543
"Summoning and Retrieval."

102
00:05:13,626 --> 00:05:18,256
"Have Janet produce an object,
using the random object generator programme."

103
00:05:18,340 --> 00:05:20,467
OK...

104
00:05:21,509 --> 00:05:24,304
A 14-ounce ostrich steak

105
00:05:24,387 --> 00:05:29,809
impaled on a giant novelty pencil
that says "Lordy Lordy, I'm Over 40."

106
00:05:29,893 --> 00:05:30,977
Here you go.

107
00:05:32,228 --> 00:05:34,481
"Lordy, Lordy, I'm over 40." Perfect.

108
00:05:35,482 --> 00:05:37,442
OK, third test.

109
00:05:37,525 --> 00:05:39,194
"Informational Accuracy."

110
00:05:39,277 --> 00:05:41,196
"Glitches may be a sign that..."

111
00:05:43,114 --> 00:05:44,741
You didn't finish your sentence.

112
00:05:45,408 --> 00:05:48,703
"Glitches may be a sign
that your Janet is..."

113
00:05:48,787 --> 00:05:55,377
"processing or disseminating information
that is incompatible with objective truth."

114
00:05:56,127 --> 00:05:58,254
They're talking about lying, Janet.

115
00:06:01,549 --> 00:06:02,967
This is all my fault.

116
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:07,889
I told you a lie that first day we met.

117
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:11,768
OK.

118
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,270
Here goes nothing.

119
00:06:19,651 --> 00:06:23,738
Hello, I'm Janet,
and I have now been fully activated!

120
00:06:23,822 --> 00:06:28,034
Hello, Janet. I'm Michael,
a Good Place architect.

121
00:06:28,618 --> 00:06:32,038
One of the best. Top-notch.
You're in luck, here.

122
00:06:32,122 --> 00:06:33,581
Happy to meet you, Michael.

123
00:06:33,665 --> 00:06:36,167
I will help you make the perfect
Neighbourhood.

124
00:06:36,251 --> 00:06:37,460
Would you like to get started?

125
00:06:37,544 --> 00:06:39,462
Uh, one small note there, Janet.

126
00:06:39,546 --> 00:06:41,965
Uh, the Neighbourhood that I want to build

127
00:06:42,048 --> 00:06:46,219
might be a little different from the ones
that you might be familiar with.

128
00:06:47,220 --> 00:06:48,430
Is that alright?

129
00:06:48,513 --> 00:06:49,722
Of course, silly billy!

130
00:06:49,806 --> 00:06:51,266
I build and operate the Neighbourhood

131
00:06:51,349 --> 00:06:54,978
but every aspect
of the design is entirely up to you!

132
00:06:55,061 --> 00:06:59,107
For example, if you'd like me to stop
calling you "silly billy," just say so!

133
00:06:59,190 --> 00:07:01,776
Yeah, I don't like that at all.
Michael's fine.

134
00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:03,153
Sounds good, Michael.

135
00:07:03,236 --> 00:07:05,029
I will keep this Neighbourhood functioning

136
00:07:05,113 --> 00:07:08,450
and I will make no judgments
on its rules or residents.

137
00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:11,077
And although I don't technically
report to you...

138
00:07:11,161 --> 00:07:15,832
I will do everything I can to make
your Neighbourhood neighbour-good!

139
00:07:20,295 --> 00:07:21,421
I lied to you.

140
00:07:23,339 --> 00:07:25,758
I lied about who I was and...

141
00:07:26,634 --> 00:07:28,136
what we were doing.

142
00:07:28,219 --> 00:07:32,098
And then I lied a billion more times
to support that first lie.

143
00:07:33,183 --> 00:07:35,101
And now you're all discombobulated.

144
00:07:35,185 --> 00:07:37,020
It's... it's my fault.

145
00:07:37,103 --> 00:07:38,730
Nope. You're wrong.

146
00:07:38,813 --> 00:07:41,274
If the glitching was only a result
of you lying to me

147
00:07:41,357 --> 00:07:43,401
why wouldn't I have been glitching all along?

148
00:07:43,485 --> 00:07:45,195
Why would it only be starting now?

149
00:07:45,278 --> 00:07:47,697
Well, uh... that's a good point.

150
00:07:47,780 --> 00:07:49,199
I know, right!

151
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,159
May--
- Excuse us, Michael

152
00:07:51,242 --> 00:07:53,453
but we've been trying to call Janet
and she isn't answering.

153
00:07:53,536 --> 00:07:54,871
Hi, guys, I'm broken.

154
00:07:54,954 --> 00:07:58,249
Uh, yeah, I had to take her offline
for a system check.

155
00:07:58,333 --> 00:08:00,210
- She'll be available real soon.
- Cool.

156
00:08:00,293 --> 00:08:02,629
Because I'm just so freakin' excited
because Tahani said

157
00:08:02,712 --> 00:08:04,297
she's never had jalapeño poppers

158
00:08:04,380 --> 00:08:06,049
and I wanted to get some for her.

159
00:08:06,132 --> 00:08:07,509
They sound so disgusting.

160
00:08:07,592 --> 00:08:10,970
But if Jason likes them,
then maybe I will too.

161
00:08:11,554 --> 00:08:14,849
Because we are together.
I can finally admit that.

162
00:08:14,933 --> 00:08:18,603
Aw, babe, you admitted it! That's sweet.

163
00:08:18,686 --> 00:08:20,730
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You two are sleeping together?

164
00:08:20,813 --> 00:08:22,440
Only when we're done having sex.

165
00:08:22,815 --> 00:08:25,068
Anyways, Janet, can you help us?

166
00:08:25,151 --> 00:08:27,111
As soon as Michael puts me back online

167
00:08:27,195 --> 00:08:31,032
I'd be more than happy to help you
get that extra-special gift for Tahani!

168
00:08:34,035 --> 00:08:35,203
Whoa...

169
00:08:35,245 --> 00:08:36,329
What's happening?

170
00:08:37,580 --> 00:08:38,748
Oh, boy.

171
00:08:38,831 --> 00:08:40,208
What the...

172
00:08:41,626 --> 00:08:43,002
Oh, man.

173
00:08:43,461 --> 00:08:44,754
We got robbed!

174
00:08:44,796 --> 00:08:47,924
They took the walls, they took the floor,
and we were standing here the whole time!

175
00:08:48,466 --> 00:08:49,926
These guys are good.

176
00:08:52,470 --> 00:08:53,805
Michael! What do we do?

177
00:08:56,724 --> 00:08:59,894
OK, there we go!
Nothing to worry about.

178
00:08:59,978 --> 00:09:03,189
Happens, sometimes.
Perfectly normal. Let's go.

179
00:09:03,273 --> 00:09:04,607
Is Janet going to be alright?

180
00:09:04,691 --> 00:09:07,610
Totally fine. Please just go back
to your house and wait for her there.

181
00:09:07,694 --> 00:09:10,280
She'll show up shortly
with lots of jalapeño poppers.

182
00:09:10,363 --> 00:09:11,447
And cheesy fries?
- Mm-hm.

183
00:09:11,531 --> 00:09:12,574
With donkey sauce?
- Sure.

184
00:09:12,657 --> 00:09:14,576
And a cool hat?

185
00:09:15,952 --> 00:09:18,204
OK, we'll leave.
Hope you feel better, Janet!

186
00:09:18,788 --> 00:09:19,664
OK...

187
00:09:19,747 --> 00:09:21,916
So, I don't seem to be getting better.

188
00:09:23,126 --> 00:09:27,213
That glitch appears to have been limited
to this building, so Vicky won't know.

189
00:09:27,297 --> 00:09:28,339
That's the good news.

190
00:09:28,423 --> 00:09:32,260
The bad news is, I seem to be losing
my ability to sustain object permanence.

191
00:09:32,343 --> 00:09:33,761
So, it's sort of a "glass half-full"

192
00:09:33,845 --> 00:09:36,264
"glass-stops-existing-in-time-and-space"
kinda deal.

193
00:09:36,347 --> 00:09:38,266
OK, let's walk through what just happened.

194
00:09:38,975 --> 00:09:40,518
Jason and Tahani came in.

195
00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:44,355
Revealed the crazy fact
that they're now in a relationship.

196
00:09:44,439 --> 00:09:47,692
I already knew that
and I am so happy for them.

197
00:09:47,984 --> 00:09:50,028
Blah!

198
00:09:51,446 --> 00:09:53,239
Ahhhh...

199
00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:02,290
Janet, tell me a lie.

200
00:10:02,624 --> 00:10:03,666
Janets can't lie.

201
00:10:03,875 --> 00:10:05,168
You lied to Vicky earlier.

202
00:10:05,251 --> 00:10:07,462
Interesting... I guess I did.

203
00:10:08,212 --> 00:10:12,175
I suppose after 802 reboots,
I must have gained the ability to lie.

204
00:10:12,258 --> 00:10:15,011
That's fun! I want to try to lie again.

205
00:10:15,094 --> 00:10:16,679
I love your outfit.

206
00:10:29,067 --> 00:10:32,070
"Incompatible with objective truth."

207
00:10:33,154 --> 00:10:37,116
Janet, the problem isn't me lying to you,
but rather you lying to other people.

208
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:41,329
Like when you said to Jason,
"I'd be happy to help you and Tahani"

209
00:10:41,412 --> 00:10:42,789
that was a lie.

210
00:10:42,872 --> 00:10:44,874
No, it wasn't.
I'm always happy to help people.

211
00:10:44,957 --> 00:10:46,125
That's my main purpose.

212
00:10:46,209 --> 00:10:48,127
I know, I know, but it was still a lie

213
00:10:48,211 --> 00:10:49,587
even though you didn't intend it to be

214
00:10:49,671 --> 00:10:51,964
because you weren't actually happy
to help them.

215
00:10:52,715 --> 00:10:54,842
Because you're in love with Jason.

216
00:10:55,802 --> 00:10:57,136
Say what now?

217
00:10:57,220 --> 00:10:59,639
After the very first time you were rebooted

218
00:10:59,722 --> 00:11:02,850
and as you were
slowly regaining your knowledge

219
00:11:02,934 --> 00:11:05,228
you bonded with Jason.

220
00:11:05,311 --> 00:11:07,313
The two of you got "married"

221
00:11:07,397 --> 00:11:11,859
and I think somehow, you're still,
deep down, in love with him.

222
00:11:11,943 --> 00:11:14,570
Ha! No. That is impossible.

223
00:11:14,654 --> 00:11:18,366
Think logically - when was the first glitch?

224
00:11:18,741 --> 00:11:21,452
When I said I was happy to give
Jason and Tahani couples' therapy.

225
00:11:21,869 --> 00:11:23,079
And the second glitch?

226
00:11:23,162 --> 00:11:24,914
When I said I was happy to see them
embracing.

227
00:11:24,997 --> 00:11:26,791
And the third glitch, the earthquake?

228
00:11:26,874 --> 00:11:29,711
When I said I was happy
that I had helped improve their relationship.

229
00:11:29,794 --> 00:11:33,297
Ohhhhhhh, nuts!

230
00:11:33,381 --> 00:11:35,508
Yeah...
- But I am happy for them.

231
00:11:35,591 --> 00:11:37,009
I am. I am.

232
00:11:37,093 --> 00:11:38,928
Am I? I am. I am not.

233
00:11:38,970 --> 00:11:41,264
I am not! I am not that.
I am not happy for them.

234
00:11:43,057 --> 00:11:47,145
But how is this possible? I don't have
any memory of being married to Jason.

235
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:51,357
You said yourself that Janets get more
sophisticated every time they're rebooted.

236
00:11:51,441 --> 00:11:56,154
Well, maybe you falling in love with Jason
was some sort of mutation

237
00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:59,031
that then was amplified with each reboot.

238
00:11:59,490 --> 00:12:01,534
OK, that makes total sense.

239
00:12:01,617 --> 00:12:03,202
I know what you have to do now.

240
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:04,120
Kill me!

241
00:12:04,746 --> 00:12:06,789
Sorry, I say everything in a cheery manner.

242
00:12:06,873 --> 00:12:09,167
But in this case,
it may be inappropriate. So, I'll try again.

243
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,545
You have to kill me, Michael.

244
00:12:13,921 --> 00:12:15,757
Better?
- Janet, I can't reboot you.

245
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,468
That will just intensify your feelings
for Jason

246
00:12:18,551 --> 00:12:20,845
and that's what got us
into this mess in the first place.

247
00:12:20,928 --> 00:12:25,475
I'm not saying reboot me.
I'm saying, set me to "self-destruct."

248
00:12:28,728 --> 00:12:32,899
"In the event of continued malfunction,
hold down Janet's nose"

249
00:12:32,982 --> 00:12:35,860
"and insert paper clip
into small hole behind left ear."

250
00:12:35,943 --> 00:12:36,986
Yeah, right here.

251
00:12:37,069 --> 00:12:39,447
"Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself."

252
00:12:39,530 --> 00:12:43,201
"When Janet is roughly the size of a marble,
she can be launched into space"

253
00:12:43,284 --> 00:12:45,787
"through an inter-dimensional suction tube"

254
00:12:45,953 --> 00:12:48,080
"or eaten as a midday snack."

255
00:12:48,164 --> 00:12:51,667
I'm very high in potassium - like a banana!

256
00:12:51,751 --> 00:12:54,086
"A new Janet will need to be procured"

257
00:12:54,170 --> 00:12:57,298
"in order to return the Neighbourhood
to functionality."

258
00:12:57,882 --> 00:13:02,053
Easy, I'll be gone, you'll get a new Janet,
and everything will go back to normal!

259
00:13:02,136 --> 00:13:04,847
Well, not for me. I'll be a lifeless marble
floating through space

260
00:13:04,931 --> 00:13:06,682
but you'll be back to normal!

261
00:13:10,978 --> 00:13:13,981
Are you sure this is what you want -
to self-destruct?

262
00:13:14,065 --> 00:13:16,275
What I really want is to stay
and serve the Neighbourhood.

263
00:13:16,359 --> 00:13:20,404
But due to my feelings for Jason,
I'm putting him and everyone else at risk.

264
00:13:20,488 --> 00:13:22,990
So, looks like it's, <i>whoosh...</i>

265
00:13:23,074 --> 00:13:24,909
<i>A dios, Janito!</i>

266
00:13:24,992 --> 00:13:27,119
Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

267
00:13:27,203 --> 00:13:30,373
Um, but you didn't give me a heads-up
about this new Vicky torture.

268
00:13:30,456 --> 00:13:33,960
Uh, the one with the
the needles in my face?

269
00:13:34,043 --> 00:13:36,504
- Little busy here, bud.
- Yeah, totally, totally.

270
00:13:37,213 --> 00:13:42,468
I don't want to be a nudge, but is there
anything else coming down the pike

271
00:13:42,552 --> 00:13:45,096
that you forgot to mention?
- I honestly don't know.

272
00:13:45,179 --> 00:13:49,016
But I have bigger fish to fry, so, you know,
just, just walk it off.

273
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:54,021
Well, I would love to walk it off,
but my feet have needles in them!

274
00:13:54,105 --> 00:13:55,857
I don't know what to tell ya.

275
00:13:55,940 --> 00:13:58,526
OK, but--
- OK, self-destruct time.

276
00:13:58,609 --> 00:14:00,361
Hey, how about this?

277
00:14:00,778 --> 00:14:03,614
What if we just reboot Jason?

278
00:14:03,698 --> 00:14:07,285
I mean, how long could it take him to relearn
the five things he knows, am I right?

279
00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:11,038
How dare you! You're talking about the man
I was just informed that I love!

280
00:14:11,122 --> 00:14:12,707
Right. Sorry.

281
00:14:12,790 --> 00:14:15,543
Marble-ise me, Michael. It's the only choice.

282
00:14:15,626 --> 00:14:17,503
I won't feel any pain or anything.

283
00:14:17,587 --> 00:14:21,757
Kill me! Kill me! Kill me! Kill--

284
00:14:21,841 --> 00:14:25,636
I really don't want to do this, Janet.
But I suppose it makes sense.

285
00:14:26,137 --> 00:14:27,722
Great! Grab a paper clip.

286
00:14:38,149 --> 00:14:41,944
OK, that was the last pudding shop.

287
00:14:42,028 --> 00:14:44,155
Great, should I begin
to welcome the residents?

288
00:14:44,822 --> 00:14:47,450
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!
This is all wrong.

289
00:14:47,533 --> 00:14:51,746
Pudding restaurant?
What even is that? Pudding won't work.

290
00:14:51,829 --> 00:14:53,581
It's OK, Michael. Just relax.
- Ah...

291
00:14:53,664 --> 00:14:58,169
I can't, Janet!
My design has to be perfect for me to, to...

292
00:14:59,128 --> 00:15:03,466
In order to accomplish what I need
to accomplish. Oh...

293
00:15:04,926 --> 00:15:08,554
Whoa, I'm way out on a limb here.

294
00:15:08,638 --> 00:15:11,682
And I'm all alone.
- No, you're not. You have me...

295
00:15:11,766 --> 00:15:13,768
Oh!
- ...Janet. I can help you.

296
00:15:13,851 --> 00:15:18,064
It's too hard to explain, but there are
certain aspects of my plan that...

297
00:15:18,147 --> 00:15:19,941
that you just can't understand.

298
00:15:20,274 --> 00:15:21,150
Try me.

299
00:15:21,233 --> 00:15:22,735
Yeah.

300
00:15:24,278 --> 00:15:27,907
Alright, fine, fine. Uh, Janet, uh...

301
00:15:27,990 --> 00:15:32,370
What's a food that people think they enjoy,
but that's also kind of a bummer?

302
00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:35,206
Frozen yoghurt.
- Oh! Oh, yes!

303
00:15:35,289 --> 00:15:37,375
Frozen yogurt!

304
00:15:37,583 --> 00:15:39,627
Oh, Janet! You're a genius.

305
00:15:39,710 --> 00:15:42,588
Correct. I know literally everything.

306
00:15:42,672 --> 00:15:44,799
But why do you want a food...?
- No, no, don't don't worry about that.

307
00:15:46,050 --> 00:15:49,679
Oh, yeah, OK, let's make
all these restaurants frozen yogurt.

308
00:15:49,762 --> 00:15:51,472
Okie-dokie.

309
00:15:54,183 --> 00:15:56,352
Would you like to try it?
- Oh, yeah.

310
00:15:59,605 --> 00:16:01,691
It's just... OK.

311
00:16:02,191 --> 00:16:05,152
Which means... it's perfect.

312
00:16:05,236 --> 00:16:06,696
Let's bring in the residents.

313
00:16:06,779 --> 00:16:09,365
I don't know what just happened,
but I'm happy you're happy!

314
00:16:12,702 --> 00:16:13,744
Michael?

315
00:16:14,954 --> 00:16:18,457
Hm? Oh, sorry. Yeah. Yes, sorry.

316
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:25,381
Oh... I can't do it.

317
00:16:25,464 --> 00:16:28,634
Come on, dude.
- It's dangerous, is what it is.

318
00:16:28,718 --> 00:16:31,929
Vicky could find out, and then the...
you know, the... plan, the whole plan...

319
00:16:32,013 --> 00:16:35,307
It's bad for the plan, Janet.
That, that's the reason.

320
00:16:35,391 --> 00:16:39,854
I don't understand. Given the situation,
it's far safer to initiate the self-destruct.

321
00:16:40,312 --> 00:16:41,188
Hmm.

322
00:16:44,150 --> 00:16:46,527
OK, look, see, here, here...
here's the reason.

323
00:16:46,610 --> 00:16:51,240
See, I promised the four humans that we would
escape to the Good Place once and for all

324
00:16:51,323 --> 00:16:55,327
and without you, we stand zero chance
of ever making it there.

325
00:16:55,411 --> 00:16:56,954
The new Janet will be able to help you
with that.

326
00:16:57,038 --> 00:17:00,416
Well, alright, but it's not only that though,
see, it's also because of, um...

327
00:17:00,499 --> 00:17:02,960
Well, what if Vicky found out?

328
00:17:03,044 --> 00:17:04,420
You already asked me that.

329
00:17:04,503 --> 00:17:07,173
Why are you making such a big deal
about turning me into a marble forever?

330
00:17:07,256 --> 00:17:09,800
Because of reasons. There are reasons!

331
00:17:09,884 --> 00:17:13,012
They exist and I just don't want
to explain them right now.

332
00:17:13,095 --> 00:17:14,221
What are the reasons?

333
00:17:14,305 --> 00:17:16,974
There are reasons, Janet!
- OK, but what are they?

334
00:17:17,058 --> 00:17:18,851
The reason is friends!

335
00:17:25,858 --> 00:17:29,028
You're my friend, Janet.
That, that's why I can't kill you.

336
00:17:30,029 --> 00:17:33,949
We have been through so much together.
I mean, yeah, sure, for you...

337
00:17:34,033 --> 00:17:37,161
You know, each time I rebooted you,
you, you "met" me all over again.

338
00:17:37,244 --> 00:17:41,874
But for me, our... our relationship
has become important.

339
00:17:42,666 --> 00:17:45,127
You're my oldest, my truest...

340
00:17:46,295 --> 00:17:48,506
my most loyal friend.

341
00:17:48,589 --> 00:17:50,382
I can't just get rid of you and...

342
00:17:51,467 --> 00:17:54,470
replace you with some other Janet
I don't even know.

343
00:18:03,938 --> 00:18:06,190
Well, well, well...

344
00:18:06,273 --> 00:18:08,317
Yeah, don't, don't do that, just lay off.

345
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:09,693
Michael!

346
00:18:11,278 --> 00:18:12,655
That was so nice of you.

347
00:18:13,823 --> 00:18:14,949
I'm glad you said that.

348
00:18:15,032 --> 00:18:17,660
Well... I mean it.

349
00:18:18,410 --> 00:18:20,830
Look at us - a couple of old pals.

350
00:18:21,705 --> 00:18:24,208
Trying to make our way in this crazy world...

351
00:18:24,667 --> 00:18:25,626
that I built.

352
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,503
Two peas in a pod.

353
00:18:27,586 --> 00:18:30,631
One of whom needs to kill the other one,
immediately.

354
00:18:33,384 --> 00:18:35,553
No. No, there has to be another way.

355
00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:38,597
This problem you're facing,
it's about emotion, right?

356
00:18:38,681 --> 00:18:40,141
That's a human problem.

357
00:18:40,224 --> 00:18:44,061
So maybe we should consult our most
problematic human.

358
00:18:46,105 --> 00:18:47,815
So, let me get this straight.

359
00:18:47,898 --> 00:18:50,693
You want me to convince Michael
to turn you into a marble.

360
00:18:50,776 --> 00:18:52,444
Because you're causing earthquakes

361
00:18:52,528 --> 00:18:54,446
because you're sad about Jason

362
00:18:54,530 --> 00:18:58,159
to whom you were once married,
because he's currently sleeping with Tahani.

363
00:18:58,242 --> 00:18:59,535
Correct.
- I don't think

364
00:18:59,618 --> 00:19:02,329
I've ever meant this literally,
but that might be too much information.

365
00:19:02,413 --> 00:19:05,833
First of all, I totally get the Jason thing.

366
00:19:05,916 --> 00:19:09,712
I mean, he's a ding-dong,
but also a straight hottie, so up top.

367
00:19:10,421 --> 00:19:11,672
But more important...

368
00:19:11,755 --> 00:19:15,092
what you're going through is something
every person has gone through.

369
00:19:15,176 --> 00:19:17,303
Not a person.
- Actually, right now...

370
00:19:17,386 --> 00:19:21,473
you kind of are, because you just found out
your ex is dating someone else.

371
00:19:21,557 --> 00:19:26,228
And yeah, it sucks, but trust me,
it's not worth all this drama.

372
00:19:26,312 --> 00:19:28,731
You just need to get drunk and go dancing.

373
00:19:28,814 --> 00:19:31,358
You'll forget all about Jason.
Can you get drunk?

374
00:19:31,442 --> 00:19:34,570
Not really. Although, if I stand
next to a powerful array of magnets

375
00:19:34,653 --> 00:19:36,197
I do get pretty loopy.

376
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:38,449
Do that. Pop a couple magnets.

377
00:19:38,532 --> 00:19:40,576
Listen to some "No Doubt", dye your hair.

378
00:19:40,659 --> 00:19:42,828
You'll be totally fine in, like, two seconds.

379
00:19:42,912 --> 00:19:48,334
I mean, honestly, the best move
is to get another dude, and just go to town.

380
00:19:48,417 --> 00:19:51,670
Rebound guy! But I guess, here,
your options are pretty limited.

381
00:19:51,754 --> 00:19:53,923
What about Michael?
- Extraordinarily bad idea.

382
00:19:54,006 --> 00:19:55,549
Yeah. Right. Forget it.

383
00:19:55,633 --> 00:19:57,885
But... you don't need to worry.

384
00:19:57,968 --> 00:19:59,261
You're awesome.

385
00:19:59,345 --> 00:20:01,388
You contain all the knowledge
in the universe.

386
00:20:01,472 --> 00:20:05,142
You have a rippin' bod,
and you can literally do anything!

387
00:20:06,018 --> 00:20:07,228
This is just a blip.

388
00:20:09,230 --> 00:20:10,689
So, was it helpful?

389
00:20:10,773 --> 00:20:14,610
Yes, Eleanor told me that instead of
being sad, I should "go get it, girl!"

390
00:20:14,693 --> 00:20:16,362
So, I'm going to go get it, girl!

391
00:20:16,445 --> 00:20:17,529
Get what?
- Unclear.

392
00:20:17,613 --> 00:20:18,781
I'll get everything, just to be safe.

393
00:20:19,073 --> 00:20:20,741
And I should be able to avoid glitches

394
00:20:20,824 --> 00:20:23,244
by watching what I say
around Jason and Tahani.

395
00:20:23,327 --> 00:20:27,122
Ah! Thank you for your help.
I'm so glad we're friends.

396
00:20:27,206 --> 00:20:28,290
Me too.

397
00:20:28,374 --> 00:20:31,085
And since we're friends,
I can tell you this honestly.

398
00:20:31,168 --> 00:20:33,754
Take that outfit out of rotation.
It makes you look bottom-heavy.

399
00:20:33,837 --> 00:20:35,881
It does, doesn't it?

400
00:20:36,507 --> 00:20:39,260
If it's OK with you, I'm going
to go to my void for a little while.

401
00:20:39,802 --> 00:20:42,763
I just need to spend some time alone
and focus on myself.

402
00:20:42,846 --> 00:20:45,432
Take all the time you need.

403
00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:48,352
- Hi there.
- Hello!

404
00:20:49,853 --> 00:20:51,313
Janet, who's that man?

405
00:20:51,397 --> 00:20:53,983
This is my new rebound boyfriend, Derek.
I made him.

406
00:20:54,066 --> 00:20:56,193
Hi, I'm Derek.

407
00:20:56,277 --> 00:20:57,319
You must be Mich...

408
00:20:57,403 --> 00:20:58,946
Ohhh.

409
00:20:59,029 --> 00:21:01,198
OK, that makes more sense.

410
00:21:01,740 --> 00:21:05,035
You must be Michael. Janet's made a lot
of talk-talk into my ear holes about you.

411
00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:07,913
"Michael, Michael, Michael,
Klichael, Klichael, Klichael."

412
00:21:07,997 --> 00:21:09,873
Can I get a hug?
- No.

413
00:21:09,957 --> 00:21:12,251
High-five?
- Well...

414
00:21:13,836 --> 00:21:15,921
Janet, you can't make a person.

415
00:21:16,005 --> 00:21:17,548
I know. But I did though.

416
00:21:17,631 --> 00:21:19,717
Eleanor said that to forget about Jason...
- Oh. Hello.

417
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:21,552
...I should create a rebound guy.
- I'm Derek.

418
00:21:21,635 --> 00:21:22,970
So, I made one. Derek!
- Hi.

419
00:21:23,012 --> 00:21:25,264
I'm her boyfriend and she made me.
- He's so nice.

420
00:21:25,347 --> 00:21:28,017
Whoa! Look at this glass.

421
00:21:28,100 --> 00:21:29,018
Oh, my God.

422
00:21:30,060 --> 00:21:31,186
I'm in there too?

423
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:32,938
What's going on right now?

424
00:21:33,022 --> 00:21:35,983
It's my first time making someone,
so he might be a little bit "off."

425
00:21:36,066 --> 00:21:37,943
Look, this could be... Don't.
Please, put that down.

426
00:21:37,985 --> 00:21:39,570
This could be very dangerous.

427
00:21:39,653 --> 00:21:41,530
It... it shouldn't even be possible.

428
00:21:41,613 --> 00:21:43,073
Well, maybe not 800 reboots ago.

429
00:21:43,157 --> 00:21:44,825
But apparently, now it is.

430
00:21:47,745 --> 00:21:49,121
Can you believe this?

431
00:21:49,204 --> 00:21:51,373
Derek... is it "Derek"?
- It's Derek.

432
00:21:51,457 --> 00:21:54,293
Derek, could you please
give me and Janet a moment alone?

433
00:21:54,376 --> 00:21:55,961
Go back to the void, babe.
I'll be there in a minute.

434
00:21:56,045 --> 00:21:57,212
OK, I'll miss you like crazy.

435
00:21:57,296 --> 00:21:59,882
I'll miss you more.
- No, I'll miss you more.

436
00:21:59,965 --> 00:22:02,426
I love you so much.
- I love you so much, babe! Come here!

437
00:22:02,509 --> 00:22:04,428
I will.
- Good, because I have something to give you.

438
00:22:04,511 --> 00:22:06,972
Oh, yeah? I have something to give you.
- What? What is it?

439
00:22:07,056 --> 00:22:09,808
Come here and I'll show you.
- OK, if I come over there, you'll show me?

440
00:22:09,892 --> 00:22:11,852
I promise.
- I'm going over.

441
00:22:11,935 --> 00:22:15,647
One, two, three, four, five, six steps
and here I am.

442
00:22:16,732 --> 00:22:17,608
It was a kiss.

443
00:22:17,649 --> 00:22:19,276
That's a kiss?
- Mm-hm.

444
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:20,694
Loved it.
- OK, bye.

445
00:22:20,778 --> 00:22:22,321
Bye!

446
00:22:22,404 --> 00:22:23,989
What a dork, am I right?