1 00:00:04,234 --> 00:00:07,904 Ya gotta admit, things are going pretty well since I took over. 2 00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:10,115 Certainly a lot smoother lately. 3 00:00:10,198 --> 00:00:11,992 And based on my surveillance 4 00:00:12,117 --> 00:00:14,119 our four humans don't suspect anything. 5 00:00:14,202 --> 00:00:16,413 Yeah, because we're killing it. 6 00:00:16,496 --> 00:00:18,040 Wooo-hoo-hoo! 7 00:00:18,206 --> 00:00:19,291 You sure are. 8 00:00:19,458 --> 00:00:22,794 Here are the torture ideas you asked me to write up for next week. 9 00:00:23,545 --> 00:00:24,463 Ugh... 10 00:00:25,005 --> 00:00:26,048 So long. 11 00:00:26,173 --> 00:00:27,841 You're not supposed to be torturing me. 12 00:00:27,966 --> 00:00:32,054 From now on, make all your memos one page, max... with pictures. 13 00:00:32,304 --> 00:00:37,100 Also, Quinston over here already came up with a sick idea for how to torture Tahani. 14 00:00:37,225 --> 00:00:38,101 Tell him, babe. 15 00:00:38,268 --> 00:00:40,771 We're gonna have Tahani throw a party for Gunnar's birthday 16 00:00:40,812 --> 00:00:44,149 but no one will show up, because we'll also be throwing a party 17 00:00:44,191 --> 00:00:45,484 and it'll be way better! 18 00:00:45,525 --> 00:00:46,985 Boom! 19 00:00:47,027 --> 00:00:49,446 Where do you get these incredible ideas? 20 00:00:49,488 --> 00:00:50,530 That one just came to me. 21 00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:53,283 - It just, like, popped right into my noodle. - Yeah, that's right! 22 00:00:55,285 --> 00:00:56,286 - Up top! - Oh! 23 00:00:56,495 --> 00:00:57,621 So, that's their plan. 24 00:00:57,913 --> 00:00:59,539 This doesn't seem so bad. 25 00:00:59,623 --> 00:01:02,000 Yeah, it really tugs my nuggets. 26 00:01:02,084 --> 00:01:04,294 I worked so hard on my torture ideas 27 00:01:04,336 --> 00:01:05,670 and theirs are so basic. 28 00:01:06,171 --> 00:01:08,256 These Millennials, they have no work ethic. 29 00:01:09,132 --> 00:01:10,425 Oh, sorry, a... 30 00:01:10,634 --> 00:01:13,011 a "millennial" is someone who's only been torturing people 31 00:01:13,053 --> 00:01:14,262 for a thousand years. 32 00:01:15,263 --> 00:01:16,139 "Millennial." 33 00:01:23,063 --> 00:01:24,356 OK, coast is clear. 34 00:01:24,773 --> 00:01:26,441 Not a demon in sight. 35 00:01:26,483 --> 00:01:27,692 Except for, you know... 36 00:01:27,776 --> 00:01:29,778 Is that what we should call you? "Demon?" 37 00:01:29,820 --> 00:01:33,198 Well, I mean, it's not really accurate and we consider it to be... 38 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:34,449 a little racist. 39 00:01:34,491 --> 00:01:35,367 But it's fine. 40 00:01:35,659 --> 00:01:38,787 Well, um, let's start our first lesson. 41 00:01:39,121 --> 00:01:43,333 Tahani and Jason will have to make it up since they're both off being fake-tortured. 42 00:01:43,375 --> 00:01:48,588 I'd like to mention again that a "being" like me studying human ethics is pointless. 43 00:01:48,630 --> 00:01:52,634 Wouldn't you rather I work on the plans to get us all to the real Good Place? 44 00:01:52,843 --> 00:01:53,718 Nope. 45 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,887 This is school, that's your after-school job. 46 00:01:55,929 --> 00:01:58,849 If I could bartend when I was 11, you can handle this. 47 00:01:59,015 --> 00:02:01,518 Alright, well, I've read everything on your syllabus 48 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,645 and how... how do I put this delicately? 49 00:02:04,020 --> 00:02:04,896 It's all... 50 00:02:05,313 --> 00:02:06,481 stupid garbage. 51 00:02:06,523 --> 00:02:10,193 Ah, well, are there any philosophers that you found interesting? 52 00:02:10,485 --> 00:02:12,571 Lao-Tzu? Buddha? Plato? 53 00:02:12,612 --> 00:02:13,655 Nope. No. 54 00:02:13,697 --> 00:02:15,198 They're all dumdums. 55 00:02:15,615 --> 00:02:17,284 And terrible writers! 56 00:02:17,325 --> 00:02:18,910 So hard to understand. 57 00:02:18,952 --> 00:02:20,745 I am with you there, dog. 58 00:02:20,787 --> 00:02:23,039 - Mm. - Look, we have to start somewhere 59 00:02:23,081 --> 00:02:25,292 so how about Socrates? 60 00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:26,459 alright, alright... 61 00:02:26,501 --> 00:02:28,962 let me just get into the mind-set of a human. 62 00:02:29,004 --> 00:02:31,882 "Ha, ha... Oh, I'm a human..." 63 00:02:31,923 --> 00:02:34,968 "and my breathing tube is next to my eating tube." 64 00:02:35,177 --> 00:02:38,763 "Oh, and look! My arms end in stupid little sticks!" 65 00:02:39,347 --> 00:02:41,308 OK. Proceed. 66 00:02:41,641 --> 00:02:42,559 Good. 67 00:02:42,767 --> 00:02:44,686 Ugh, this is so depressing. 68 00:02:45,103 --> 00:02:47,731 I'm being forced to throw a party that I know will fail. 69 00:02:47,856 --> 00:02:51,610 Well, why don't you let me handle it? I'm great at failing at stuff. Uh, Janet? 70 00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:52,903 Hi there! 71 00:02:52,944 --> 00:02:55,030 Hi! Me and Tahani are throwing a rager. 72 00:02:55,071 --> 00:02:56,781 So, we're going to need the essentials 73 00:02:56,823 --> 00:02:58,867 chips, salsa, a tank of nitrous 74 00:02:58,909 --> 00:02:59,868 a treasure map 75 00:02:59,910 --> 00:03:01,536 water-skis, a boat, water 76 00:03:01,578 --> 00:03:02,913 those zappy-paddles for your chest 77 00:03:02,954 --> 00:03:04,080 a big snake, obviously... 78 00:03:04,122 --> 00:03:07,250 No, no, no, ignore all of that, Janet. Please just design a basic dinner party. 79 00:03:08,543 --> 00:03:12,339 I know this sucks, but I think you're great at throwing parties. 80 00:03:12,881 --> 00:03:14,216 That's why they're doing this. 81 00:03:14,257 --> 00:03:15,467 It's what you're best at. 82 00:03:15,508 --> 00:03:19,804 Just like I'm the best at getting empty water bottles to stay on the roof of a Pizza Hut. 83 00:03:20,263 --> 00:03:21,139 You know what? 84 00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:22,849 You're absolutely right. 85 00:03:23,099 --> 00:03:24,601 We should get a big snake?! - No. 86 00:03:24,726 --> 00:03:26,811 I am the best at planning parties. 87 00:03:27,103 --> 00:03:29,814 Vicky may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld 88 00:03:29,856 --> 00:03:32,108 but does she have taste, sophistication 89 00:03:32,317 --> 00:03:34,444 an encyclopaedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde 90 00:03:34,486 --> 00:03:35,403 Belgian floral design? 91 00:03:35,528 --> 00:03:37,113 Yes, she does! 92 00:03:38,406 --> 00:03:40,617 No, she doesn't. 93 00:03:40,659 --> 00:03:45,080 What if I throw a party that is so amazing that it's actually better than the party 94 00:03:45,121 --> 00:03:48,625 that's supposed to win? When they realise they could have come to my party 95 00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:50,293 they'll be sad. I won't be sad. 96 00:03:50,335 --> 00:03:51,586 They'll be sad! 97 00:03:51,628 --> 00:03:52,504 Janet? 98 00:03:52,545 --> 00:03:53,421 Hi there! 99 00:03:53,713 --> 00:03:55,131 Janet, when I turned 18 100 00:03:55,757 --> 00:03:57,884 I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum 101 00:03:57,926 --> 00:04:00,345 and I swore to uphold the Hostess Code. 102 00:04:00,595 --> 00:04:02,889 "I, Tahani Al-Jamil" 103 00:04:03,515 --> 00:04:05,350 "shall do my level best" 104 00:04:05,433 --> 00:04:08,436 "to make every event too much." 105 00:04:08,603 --> 00:04:13,358 Model tonight's decor after my 2008 fundraiser for the Red Cross in Zurich. 106 00:04:13,483 --> 00:04:16,736 No... 2007! 107 00:04:22,993 --> 00:04:23,868 Man... 108 00:04:23,994 --> 00:04:26,037 Michael is not into your class. 109 00:04:26,079 --> 00:04:27,747 Right now, I'm the best student. 110 00:04:28,540 --> 00:04:30,375 I'm gonna be the velociraptor. 111 00:04:31,459 --> 00:04:33,753 You trying to say, "Valedictorian?" - No. 112 00:04:33,962 --> 00:04:35,463 Look, dude, this isn't your fault. 113 00:04:35,505 --> 00:04:39,050 You've been teaching him ethics for half an hour and he's been evil since... 114 00:04:39,092 --> 00:04:40,218 the beginning of time. 115 00:04:41,136 --> 00:04:42,095 Oh! 116 00:04:42,137 --> 00:04:45,473 Maybe the reason Michael can't latch onto the ideas is because he's immortal. 117 00:04:45,515 --> 00:04:48,476 Look, if you live forever, then ethics don't matter to you 118 00:04:48,518 --> 00:04:51,354 because basically there's no consequences for your actions. 119 00:04:51,396 --> 00:04:52,856 You tell a lie, who cares? 120 00:04:52,897 --> 00:04:54,691 Wait a few trillion years, the guilt will fade. 121 00:04:54,983 --> 00:04:56,901 Before I can teach Michael to be good 122 00:04:57,193 --> 00:05:00,030 I have to force him to think about what we used to think about 123 00:05:00,071 --> 00:05:04,617 that life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning. 124 00:05:04,743 --> 00:05:06,161 That's what you used to think about? 125 00:05:06,202 --> 00:05:09,164 I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants 126 00:05:09,205 --> 00:05:12,500 that are just one big pant leg for both your legs. 127 00:05:13,043 --> 00:05:13,918 You mean a skirt? 128 00:05:14,753 --> 00:05:15,712 No! Th... 129 00:05:16,504 --> 00:05:18,882 You're not getting it. And my thing is different, so shut up. 130 00:05:19,132 --> 00:05:20,133 - Michael. - Yep. 131 00:05:20,175 --> 00:05:22,177 Is there any way that you can die? 132 00:05:22,260 --> 00:05:23,136 Yeah. 133 00:05:23,219 --> 00:05:24,387 Actually, there is. 134 00:05:24,429 --> 00:05:25,680 It's called, "retirement." 135 00:05:25,972 --> 00:05:29,017 It's rare, but when one of us really screws something up... 136 00:05:30,018 --> 00:05:31,936 And, uh, what happens exactly? 137 00:05:31,978 --> 00:05:34,397 Well... it's fairly straightforward 138 00:05:34,606 --> 00:05:38,735 my essence would be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle 139 00:05:38,777 --> 00:05:42,447 and every molecule in my body would be placed on the surface 140 00:05:42,489 --> 00:05:43,740 of a different sun. 141 00:05:43,990 --> 00:05:44,866 Sure. 142 00:05:44,908 --> 00:05:47,869 So, is... is that what would happen if your boss found out 143 00:05:47,911 --> 00:05:49,829 that you defected to our side? - Yeah. 144 00:05:49,871 --> 00:05:52,082 OK, so that might actually happen. 145 00:05:52,123 --> 00:05:55,919 And if it did, there would be no more "Michael." 146 00:05:56,044 --> 00:05:57,879 Think about that for a second. 147 00:05:59,130 --> 00:06:01,674 Imagine being retired. 148 00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:04,469 Everyone else is here, but you, poof. 149 00:06:04,677 --> 00:06:06,054 Gone. Nothingness. 150 00:06:06,096 --> 00:06:08,306 Inky black void. Done. 151 00:06:09,641 --> 00:06:11,726 OK, I'll think about that. 152 00:06:17,482 --> 00:06:18,358 Huh. 153 00:06:18,983 --> 00:06:23,321 So, you're saying I would be... 154 00:06:27,492 --> 00:06:28,368 no... 155 00:06:29,994 --> 00:06:30,870 me? 156 00:06:42,715 --> 00:06:43,591 OK! 157 00:06:43,925 --> 00:06:45,260 Now, we're getting somewhere. 158 00:06:47,887 --> 00:06:49,139 Dude, you broke Michael! 159 00:06:49,347 --> 00:06:50,807 No, no, this is good. 160 00:06:50,849 --> 00:06:52,684 He's having an existential crisis! 161 00:06:53,059 --> 00:06:55,770 It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate 162 00:06:55,812 --> 00:06:58,481 the silent indifference of our empty universe. 163 00:06:59,274 --> 00:07:00,859 Look, the good news is... 164 00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:02,694 if he can work through this 165 00:07:02,735 --> 00:07:05,697 it's the first step towards understanding human ethics! 166 00:07:05,738 --> 00:07:06,990 And what if he can't? 167 00:07:07,031 --> 00:07:09,367 Well, then he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever 168 00:07:09,409 --> 00:07:10,660 and we're all doomed. 169 00:07:10,827 --> 00:07:14,164 OK, I will be right back. 170 00:07:14,581 --> 00:07:15,999 Gonna go grab some Kamu! 171 00:07:17,417 --> 00:07:18,418 Hey, buddy. 172 00:07:19,544 --> 00:07:20,420 How ya doin'? 173 00:07:20,962 --> 00:07:22,130 Can I get you a snack? 174 00:07:22,380 --> 00:07:24,507 Do you eat? I can never remember. What do you eat? 175 00:07:24,549 --> 00:07:25,550 Babies? 176 00:07:25,675 --> 00:07:27,510 You want me to get you a big fat baby? 177 00:07:27,594 --> 00:07:28,553 What flavour baby? 178 00:07:28,595 --> 00:07:30,930 How about a Cool Ranch Baby? 179 00:07:31,222 --> 00:07:34,225 Searching for meaning is philosophical suicide. 180 00:07:34,267 --> 00:07:36,311 How does anyone do anything 181 00:07:36,644 --> 00:07:40,398 when you understand the fleeting nature of existence? 182 00:07:40,690 --> 00:07:42,275 It's pretty easy, man. 183 00:07:42,317 --> 00:07:44,360 I mean, you learn about death when you're a kid 184 00:07:44,402 --> 00:07:46,946 and it's just not that big a deal. 185 00:07:51,451 --> 00:07:55,788 Eleanor, baby, I have some sad news. 186 00:07:56,164 --> 00:07:59,792 Your doggie Max has passed away. Do you know what that means? 187 00:08:00,126 --> 00:08:03,671 Well, sometimes when a dog is very old 188 00:08:03,713 --> 00:08:06,216 like, five or six or something 189 00:08:06,508 --> 00:08:09,093 he crosses a long rainbow bridge 190 00:08:09,135 --> 00:08:12,305 and at the end of that bridge is a beautiful farm 191 00:08:12,347 --> 00:08:14,807 with lots of grass and trees and... 192 00:08:15,475 --> 00:08:17,644 I dunno, wagons, and a rainbow? 193 00:08:18,019 --> 00:08:19,270 I already said "rainbow"... 194 00:08:19,562 --> 00:08:22,190 The point is, that's where Max is. 195 00:08:22,398 --> 00:08:24,150 Can we visit him at the farm? 196 00:08:24,192 --> 00:08:27,654 Nope, because it's very far away 197 00:08:28,029 --> 00:08:28,905 in... 198 00:08:29,072 --> 00:08:29,948 Guam. 199 00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:30,907 It's in Guam. 200 00:08:30,990 --> 00:08:32,158 Can we have-- - OK, look! 201 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:33,493 I'm lying, OK? 202 00:08:33,701 --> 00:08:35,745 Ya caught me, congratulations. 203 00:08:35,787 --> 00:08:37,997 The farm is made up, the bridge is made up 204 00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:39,916 there's no such place as "Guam." 205 00:08:40,083 --> 00:08:42,710 Your dog Max is dead in a duffel bag under the deck. 206 00:08:43,044 --> 00:08:44,712 How did he die? 207 00:08:44,754 --> 00:08:46,798 The short answer is, I don't know. 208 00:08:46,839 --> 00:08:52,345 And the slightly longer answer is, I didn't know how hot it gets 209 00:08:52,387 --> 00:08:53,721 in cars sometimes. 210 00:08:54,138 --> 00:08:56,266 The point is, don't be sad. 211 00:08:56,391 --> 00:08:59,310 Honestly, I'll get kind of annoyed if you do get sad 212 00:08:59,352 --> 00:09:02,230 because it's been a very long day, and that bitch Carol 213 00:09:02,272 --> 00:09:06,276 from work was really on my ass about some stupid thing 214 00:09:06,317 --> 00:09:07,735 that I don't even know what it was 215 00:09:07,777 --> 00:09:11,155 and at the end of that long day, I had to use one of my favourite duffel bags 216 00:09:11,197 --> 00:09:14,659 to do something very gross that I did not like. 217 00:09:14,993 --> 00:09:18,580 Now, let's celebrate that dead dog's life by bringing Mummy 218 00:09:18,621 --> 00:09:19,956 another bottle of white. 219 00:09:20,957 --> 00:09:22,417 Pinot Grigio or Chardonnay? 220 00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:23,376 Surprise me! 221 00:09:23,710 --> 00:09:25,545 Oh, what am I thinking? Pinot. 222 00:09:25,795 --> 00:09:27,964 Mumma thirsty for that Peen Greej. 223 00:09:28,006 --> 00:09:28,881 Go. 224 00:09:31,509 --> 00:09:32,552 Hey there, buddy. 225 00:09:32,969 --> 00:09:34,137 You feeling kinda empty? 226 00:09:34,429 --> 00:09:36,222 Like there's a gaping chasm in your soul? 227 00:09:36,264 --> 00:09:40,768 A tumbleweed, blowing aimlessly through a vast desert of nothingness? 228 00:09:40,977 --> 00:09:41,853 Mm-hmm. 229 00:09:41,894 --> 00:09:44,105 You think that nothing we do matters, right? 230 00:09:44,147 --> 00:09:45,648 Yeah. - Well, here's the thing. 231 00:09:45,690 --> 00:09:49,652 life isn't meaningless and you are the very proof of that! 232 00:09:49,694 --> 00:09:51,863 I used to feel the way you feel right now 233 00:09:51,904 --> 00:09:54,699 but it turns out everything we did on Earth mattered. 234 00:09:54,782 --> 00:09:58,745 In fact, actions had an actual point value! 235 00:09:58,786 --> 00:10:01,623 So life had a tangible meaning 236 00:10:01,664 --> 00:10:04,792 which means that you don't have to feel this way anymore, buddy! 237 00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:06,794 Existential crisis solved. 238 00:10:08,671 --> 00:10:09,547 You're right. 239 00:10:09,881 --> 00:10:11,424 Your lives aren't meaningless. 240 00:10:11,674 --> 00:10:14,469 Everything on Earth counted for something. - Sure did. 241 00:10:16,638 --> 00:10:21,267 The same is not true here in the afterlife, where I exist 242 00:10:21,601 --> 00:10:23,102 and have always existed. 243 00:10:23,645 --> 00:10:24,646 OK! 244 00:10:24,896 --> 00:10:28,566 But, there has to be some sort of value system, right? 245 00:10:28,650 --> 00:10:31,110 I mean, how else do you judge the value of your actions 246 00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:32,278 outside of work? 247 00:10:32,487 --> 00:10:34,447 There is no "outside of work." 248 00:10:35,114 --> 00:10:37,867 None of us exist outside our jobs. 249 00:10:38,326 --> 00:10:42,205 We have no homes, we have no hobbies, or relationships. 250 00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:44,499 We get the names of people to torture 251 00:10:45,041 --> 00:10:46,084 we torture them 252 00:10:46,376 --> 00:10:47,710 we get more names. 253 00:10:48,127 --> 00:10:49,545 Ah, OK. 254 00:10:49,587 --> 00:10:53,007 So... you don't actually know if there's any purpose 255 00:10:53,049 --> 00:10:55,927 or... or larger meaning in all of this? 256 00:10:56,636 --> 00:10:57,720 Nope. - Cool. 257 00:10:58,513 --> 00:10:59,389 Cool. 258 00:10:59,889 --> 00:11:02,100 I would say I outdid myself, but... 259 00:11:02,433 --> 00:11:06,062 I'm always this good, so I simply "did" myself. 260 00:11:06,187 --> 00:11:09,857 Everything is perfect. 261 00:11:10,316 --> 00:11:11,734 Red alert. Red alert. 262 00:11:11,776 --> 00:11:13,903 We need help. - What's wrong with Michael? 263 00:11:13,945 --> 00:11:14,987 Uh-oh. I know that look. 264 00:11:15,029 --> 00:11:17,740 He just snorted a bunch of printer toner. Mike, listen to me. 265 00:11:17,782 --> 00:11:20,451 You have nothing to worry about. You still have around 70% of your brain left. 266 00:11:20,493 --> 00:11:23,246 No, no, this is more like a philosophy overdose. 267 00:11:23,496 --> 00:11:25,748 Basically, Michael just smoked a big bowl of ennui 268 00:11:25,790 --> 00:11:28,000 and now he's having an existential crisis. 269 00:11:28,042 --> 00:11:30,044 So, we need to cheer him up. 270 00:11:30,211 --> 00:11:34,132 Look at how pretty the restaurant is! 271 00:11:34,257 --> 00:11:37,135 Didn't Tahani do a good job? 272 00:11:37,176 --> 00:11:41,097 Parties are mere distractions from the relentlessness of entropy. 273 00:11:41,139 --> 00:11:42,557 We're all just corpses 274 00:11:43,057 --> 00:11:44,934 who haven't yet begun to decay. 275 00:11:45,184 --> 00:11:46,602 Yeah, but... 276 00:11:47,562 --> 00:11:48,688 balloons! 277 00:11:50,606 --> 00:11:52,775 OK, we all head over to Vicky's party together. 278 00:11:52,817 --> 00:11:56,487 We babysit Michael in shifts so that no one sees he's a catatonic blob. 279 00:11:56,529 --> 00:11:58,114 Or, you could just sit tight 280 00:11:58,364 --> 00:12:01,159 the entire party are going to be heading over here soon 281 00:12:01,367 --> 00:12:02,994 unless I am sorely mistaken. 282 00:12:08,541 --> 00:12:10,042 ♪ I'm taking you, baby ♪ 283 00:12:10,752 --> 00:12:12,420 ♪ All the way to Lucky Town... ♪ 284 00:12:13,171 --> 00:12:14,338 I was sorely mistaken. 285 00:12:14,756 --> 00:12:17,091 OK, bud, whatever's going on right now 286 00:12:17,133 --> 00:12:19,218 just shove your feelings way down deep 287 00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:22,764 plaster on a fake smile and pretend you're having fun, OK? 288 00:12:22,805 --> 00:12:25,433 Just like I used to do when someone started talking about their kids. 289 00:12:27,059 --> 00:12:28,644 Hey! Welcome, guys. 290 00:12:28,728 --> 00:12:32,064 Wow, this is... elaborate. 291 00:12:32,106 --> 00:12:34,525 Gunnar was an animal rights activist 292 00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:37,236 so the theme of the party is "Animals!" 293 00:12:37,278 --> 00:12:40,281 Flying station's over there, if you want to fly like a falcon. 294 00:12:40,406 --> 00:12:41,824 Wahoo! 295 00:12:41,908 --> 00:12:44,827 And over there, we filled a ball pit with puppies, that's fun. 296 00:12:46,204 --> 00:12:48,414 Oh, and have you ever wanted to sit in a kangaroo pouch? 297 00:12:48,581 --> 00:12:49,791 My whole dang life. 298 00:12:50,249 --> 00:12:52,460 So, we can all hang out here for a bit and then we can head over 299 00:12:52,502 --> 00:12:53,878 to your party. Sound good? 300 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,546 Yo, this place is lit! 301 00:12:55,588 --> 00:12:57,340 I'ma go jump in that kangie's pouch! 302 00:12:57,381 --> 00:12:58,716 Hey! 303 00:12:59,091 --> 00:13:02,345 Alright, Tahani, you just need to walk around the party looking miserable. 304 00:13:02,553 --> 00:13:04,180 Great, just like that. Perfect. 305 00:13:04,388 --> 00:13:06,641 And then, uh, Chidi and I will keep an eye on Michael. 306 00:13:07,433 --> 00:13:08,893 Where's Michael? 307 00:13:11,979 --> 00:13:13,815 Ah... think I found him. 308 00:13:13,898 --> 00:13:15,191 There they are! 309 00:13:15,233 --> 00:13:16,818 Que pasa, muchachos? 310 00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:19,278 Hey, there bud. You OK? 311 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,364 OK? I'm a new man! 312 00:13:21,405 --> 00:13:23,866 Oh, Eleanor, thank you so much for the advice 313 00:13:23,991 --> 00:13:26,202 about shoving my feelings down deep. 314 00:13:26,369 --> 00:13:30,790 I feel so much better. It's like I'm surfin' on this wave of positivity! 315 00:13:31,165 --> 00:13:32,250 Is that Janet? 316 00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:35,336 Oh, yeah, have you met my secretary, Jeanette? 317 00:13:35,837 --> 00:13:39,340 She's a lot like Janet but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers. 318 00:13:39,382 --> 00:13:41,008 Oh, uh, hi, Jeanette! 319 00:13:41,050 --> 00:13:43,177 Oh, no. It's still me - Janet. 320 00:13:43,469 --> 00:13:45,555 Michael just asked that I change my appearance 321 00:13:45,596 --> 00:13:48,432 and also say things like, "You're so funny!" 322 00:13:48,766 --> 00:13:51,561 And, "So, we should go to San Diego this weekend." 323 00:13:52,019 --> 00:13:54,856 And, "So, how many quarterbacks are in a home run?" 324 00:13:55,523 --> 00:13:57,233 I don't understand what's happening. 325 00:13:57,275 --> 00:13:59,861 Man, repressing your feelings is great. 326 00:13:59,902 --> 00:14:04,323 I was feeling stress all the time and now it's just so easy. 327 00:14:04,365 --> 00:14:07,577 Babe, we need to get some food into you, get you something to eat. 328 00:14:07,618 --> 00:14:09,036 I don't eat anything. 329 00:14:09,078 --> 00:14:10,371 She's perfect. 330 00:14:10,746 --> 00:14:12,039 Hey, turn that around! 331 00:14:12,164 --> 00:14:13,416 ♪ Roll them dice, baby! ♪ 332 00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:17,378 It did kinda hurt actually, but I love it. 333 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:21,757 So, he's moved on from existential crisis to just straight-up mid-life crisis. 334 00:14:21,799 --> 00:14:22,842 That's good, right? 335 00:14:22,884 --> 00:14:24,969 I knew a ton of guys like that back in Arizona. 336 00:14:25,011 --> 00:14:27,889 I mean, they hit on you when they're drunk and their breath smells like supplements 337 00:14:27,930 --> 00:14:29,181 but overall, they're pretty harmless. 338 00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,142 It's Chinese for "Japan." 339 00:14:31,183 --> 00:14:32,852 Ugh... So cool. 340 00:14:32,935 --> 00:14:34,812 No, no. This is worse. 341 00:14:34,854 --> 00:14:38,232 I mean, an existential crisis is an acknowledgement that life is absurd 342 00:14:38,274 --> 00:14:40,067 and that absurdity needs to be confronted. 343 00:14:40,276 --> 00:14:43,195 But this is just denial. And at any moment that denial could collapse 344 00:14:43,237 --> 00:14:44,280 and he'll be a mess! 345 00:14:44,322 --> 00:14:46,115 He is a Jenga tower of sadness! 346 00:14:46,365 --> 00:14:48,868 For an immortal being, he's pretty fragile. 347 00:14:49,118 --> 00:14:52,580 I mean, the guy contemplates his own death for one forking minute 348 00:14:52,622 --> 00:14:55,207 and completely loses his grip on reality? 349 00:15:01,505 --> 00:15:03,716 You didn't have to come. I said I'm fine. 350 00:15:04,008 --> 00:15:06,844 Yeah, well, I know you guys weren't super close, but still. 351 00:15:07,094 --> 00:15:09,138 It's hard, losing a parent. 352 00:15:09,180 --> 00:15:11,432 Eleanor! Mummy's here, baby. 353 00:15:11,933 --> 00:15:14,727 Oh, and who is this tall drink of wine? 354 00:15:15,019 --> 00:15:17,438 Um, this is my boyfriend, Sam. 355 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:18,439 Sam, this is my... 356 00:15:18,481 --> 00:15:19,440 ...mother - Sister! 357 00:15:19,482 --> 00:15:21,025 Sister. Ugh, that's not gonna work... 358 00:15:21,067 --> 00:15:22,568 It's my ex-husband's funeral. 359 00:15:22,777 --> 00:15:24,779 Thanks for blowing my cover, Doug! 360 00:15:25,363 --> 00:15:27,615 Listen, baby, don't be sad, OK? 361 00:15:27,990 --> 00:15:29,492 Your father wasn't great. 362 00:15:29,617 --> 00:15:31,327 Let's call him what he was 363 00:15:31,702 --> 00:15:33,746 a fart in the shape of a man. 364 00:15:33,871 --> 00:15:34,914 Can you just chill? 365 00:15:34,997 --> 00:15:36,916 I don't want to turn Dad's funeral into a roast. 366 00:15:36,958 --> 00:15:39,335 I'm not! I'm just saying, he sucked. 367 00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:42,171 I mean, the only photo they could get of him was a mugshot. 368 00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:45,716 He was a doof, so don't be sad that he's gone. 369 00:15:45,883 --> 00:15:47,259 I'm not sad. I'm fine. 370 00:15:47,301 --> 00:15:48,177 Good. 371 00:15:48,219 --> 00:15:51,430 You know, I had a long-running bet with Eleanor's father that I would outlive him. 372 00:15:51,472 --> 00:15:53,265 You wanna guess who won that one? Come on, guess! 373 00:15:53,307 --> 00:15:54,558 Well, we're at his funeral. It's pretty clear... 374 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,185 I did! I won, he's dead! 375 00:15:56,227 --> 00:15:57,103 Up top! 376 00:15:59,313 --> 00:16:00,189 Whoa. 377 00:16:00,272 --> 00:16:01,691 Is there a bar? 378 00:16:01,732 --> 00:16:02,608 I'm just gonna... 379 00:16:05,236 --> 00:16:07,029 Did my mum slip you her hotel room key? 380 00:16:07,071 --> 00:16:08,948 Yes, yes, she did. 381 00:16:11,450 --> 00:16:14,036 Thanks so much for coming to Gunnar's birthday party! 382 00:16:14,078 --> 00:16:18,666 Now, there was a little bit of a mix-up and Tahani also planned a birthday party 383 00:16:18,708 --> 00:16:22,128 over at the restaurant, so why don't we all head over there? 384 00:16:22,169 --> 00:16:23,170 Uh, no need. 385 00:16:23,212 --> 00:16:25,172 This party is far superior. 386 00:16:25,214 --> 00:16:26,841 I'm sure yours is amazing. 387 00:16:26,882 --> 00:16:29,260 Well, I did fine on the décor, but I don't have... 388 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,847 you know... actual unicorns you can ride. 389 00:16:34,598 --> 00:16:37,101 So, you all just stay here and have fun. 390 00:16:37,226 --> 00:16:39,311 OK, well, if... if that's what you want. 391 00:16:39,395 --> 00:16:41,564 Let's all get back to the party then! 392 00:16:41,605 --> 00:16:43,107 Hang on there, mis amigos! 393 00:16:43,149 --> 00:16:44,400 - No, no, no, no... - Wooo! 394 00:16:44,442 --> 00:16:45,776 - I wanna make a toast! - Michael... oh, boy. 395 00:16:45,818 --> 00:16:49,238 OK, I know what you're thinking, birth is a curse 396 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,490 and existence is a prison 397 00:16:51,741 --> 00:16:53,159 but don't think about that! 398 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,244 Don't be sad, you guys. 399 00:16:55,286 --> 00:16:58,289 Focus on something great, like Drakkar Noir 400 00:16:58,330 --> 00:16:59,248 Woo! 401 00:16:59,290 --> 00:17:03,127 Which I'm wearing a lot of tonight! Or the Sharper Image catalogue 402 00:17:03,419 --> 00:17:05,671 what can't those guys ionise? 403 00:17:06,005 --> 00:17:08,674 By the way, I am feeling amazing! 404 00:17:08,883 --> 00:17:10,217 I'm gonna do some push-ups. 405 00:17:10,384 --> 00:17:13,220 Then we'll go around the room and name our favourite cheese! 406 00:17:13,262 --> 00:17:16,015 OK, that's good with the speeches. That's good, yeah... 407 00:17:16,057 --> 00:17:17,808 Let's all get back to the party. 408 00:17:17,892 --> 00:17:19,060 What was that? 409 00:17:19,101 --> 00:17:21,687 You didn't run any of that by me. - Oh, I know, I know 410 00:17:21,729 --> 00:17:23,147 I'm sorry, babe. Listen... 411 00:17:23,189 --> 00:17:25,733 when you guys first took over, I was upset. 412 00:17:25,983 --> 00:17:27,610 But it's all good, now. 413 00:17:27,651 --> 00:17:29,445 I mean, anger is toxic 414 00:17:29,695 --> 00:17:31,363 I'm not about that negativity. 415 00:17:31,822 --> 00:17:33,991 Mi torture es su torture. 416 00:17:34,075 --> 00:17:36,160 I am so happy you're in charge. 417 00:17:36,702 --> 00:17:37,578 OK. Well... 418 00:17:37,912 --> 00:17:38,788 good! 419 00:17:39,205 --> 00:17:40,748 Namaste, chica. 420 00:17:42,124 --> 00:17:43,584 Do you wanna dance? - No. 421 00:17:43,626 --> 00:17:44,502 OK. 422 00:17:46,295 --> 00:17:47,296 I'm leaving. 423 00:17:47,546 --> 00:17:49,715 I'm too miserable to stay here for one more second. 424 00:17:49,757 --> 00:17:52,593 Why? There are baby monkeys and dolphins to ride 425 00:17:52,635 --> 00:17:54,345 and a game of "Hungry, Hungry, Hippos" 426 00:17:54,386 --> 00:17:55,846 with actual hippos. 427 00:17:55,930 --> 00:17:58,516 This party is way better than ours. 428 00:17:58,682 --> 00:18:02,353 Why are you miserabl... oh. 429 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:03,687 You stay and have fun. 430 00:18:04,188 --> 00:18:05,981 I'm going to go throw myself a pity party 431 00:18:06,398 --> 00:18:08,859 though I doubt I can even throw one of those properly. 432 00:18:13,739 --> 00:18:15,157 God, I love this stuff. 433 00:18:16,242 --> 00:18:17,118 Ah! 434 00:18:17,159 --> 00:18:18,494 Let's keep this party going! 435 00:18:18,702 --> 00:18:20,496 What now, huh? You wanna hit the clubs? 436 00:18:20,788 --> 00:18:22,164 Oh, oh, oh, Vegas. 437 00:18:22,373 --> 00:18:25,167 No, no, even better, Dubai. 438 00:18:25,709 --> 00:18:27,628 Jeanette, make us a Dubai. 439 00:18:27,670 --> 00:18:30,297 Kinda feel like maybe 440 00:18:30,339 --> 00:18:32,341 we should wind down, huh, bud? 441 00:18:32,383 --> 00:18:34,677 No, no, can't do that... can't stop moving, can't stop moving. 442 00:18:34,718 --> 00:18:36,804 If I stop moving, I'll start thinking. And if I start thinking 443 00:18:36,846 --> 00:18:39,932 I'll start thinking about things I don't want to think about, like death. 444 00:18:41,183 --> 00:18:42,059 Whoops... 445 00:18:42,393 --> 00:18:43,769 I'm thinking about it now. 446 00:18:44,270 --> 00:18:45,688 Yep. Thinking about death again. 447 00:18:45,771 --> 00:18:46,814 Oh! I know! 448 00:18:46,856 --> 00:18:49,191 Jeanette and I have been taking, uh, samba lessons, huh? 449 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:50,943 Let us show you how to do it. Come on. 450 00:18:50,985 --> 00:18:53,988 I think Vicky bought his excuse but we need to snap him out of this. 451 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,324 Which one of these confusing French books will make him normal again? 452 00:18:57,533 --> 00:18:58,784 It's not that easy. 453 00:18:58,993 --> 00:19:01,829 I mean, emotionally, he's all over the map right now. 454 00:19:01,871 --> 00:19:05,791 And I can't believe I'm saying this but I don't think this can be solved with a book. 455 00:19:05,833 --> 00:19:08,627 What's the big whoop? I dealt with death and I was fine. 456 00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:11,422 Were you? I mean... you never had one moment where you were freaked out 457 00:19:11,505 --> 00:19:13,799 by the permanence of death? 458 00:19:14,008 --> 00:19:15,509 Never one moment like that? 459 00:19:16,510 --> 00:19:18,429 Hey, man, you got toothbrush holders? 460 00:19:18,637 --> 00:19:19,930 Uh, sure. Yeah. 461 00:19:20,139 --> 00:19:21,599 Right over here. - What's this? 462 00:19:21,682 --> 00:19:23,225 Who has four toothbrushes? 463 00:19:23,267 --> 00:19:25,144 Like, Bill Gates or something? 464 00:19:25,352 --> 00:19:26,854 No, that's, like, for a family. 465 00:19:29,106 --> 00:19:30,149 Family? 466 00:19:30,482 --> 00:19:33,527 Like a whole family and their toothbrushes all together? 467 00:19:34,153 --> 00:19:36,071 Two slots for the parent toothbrushes 468 00:19:36,113 --> 00:19:39,074 and two slots for their... kids? 469 00:19:40,034 --> 00:19:40,910 Yep. 470 00:19:41,118 --> 00:19:45,164 So, the parent toothbrushes can be close to the kid toothbrushes and... 471 00:19:46,665 --> 00:19:47,958 watch over them, and... 472 00:19:49,752 --> 00:19:53,422 they can all talk about their toothbrush feelings 473 00:19:54,340 --> 00:19:56,884 and they can hold their little toothbrush hands 474 00:19:56,926 --> 00:19:57,968 when they're sad. 475 00:19:58,469 --> 00:19:59,345 And... 476 00:19:59,470 --> 00:20:02,097 make sure no harm ever comes to their little bristles? 477 00:20:04,099 --> 00:20:05,976 Sure. 478 00:20:12,650 --> 00:20:13,859 Uh, you need a Kleenex? 479 00:20:13,943 --> 00:20:14,818 Thank you. 480 00:20:15,110 --> 00:20:16,570 Sorry. I'm so embarrassed. 481 00:20:17,029 --> 00:20:18,948 A family pack? 482 00:20:29,375 --> 00:20:32,962 I don't know if what I'm gonna say is gonna hurt or help, but screw it. 483 00:20:33,128 --> 00:20:34,713 Do you know what's really happening right now? 484 00:20:35,339 --> 00:20:37,633 You're learning what it's like to be human. 485 00:20:37,967 --> 00:20:42,596 All humans are aware of death, so we're all a little bit sad 486 00:20:43,264 --> 00:20:44,306 all the time. 487 00:20:44,765 --> 00:20:45,808 That's just the deal. 488 00:20:46,725 --> 00:20:49,144 Sounds like a crappy deal. 489 00:20:50,354 --> 00:20:52,231 Well, yeah, it is. 490 00:20:52,606 --> 00:20:54,692 But we don't get offered any other ones. 491 00:20:55,109 --> 00:20:59,321 And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. 492 00:20:59,863 --> 00:21:00,781 I've been there. 493 00:21:00,990 --> 00:21:02,408 And everybody's been there. 494 00:21:02,449 --> 00:21:03,450 So, don't fight it. 495 00:21:03,701 --> 00:21:07,371 And in the words of a very wise "Bed, Bath and Beyond" employee 496 00:21:07,413 --> 00:21:08,539 I once knew... 497 00:21:08,956 --> 00:21:10,666 "Go ahead and cry all you want." 498 00:21:11,292 --> 00:21:14,128 "But you're gonna have to pay for that toilet plunger." 499 00:21:19,133 --> 00:21:20,342 Got you something to eat. 500 00:21:20,676 --> 00:21:21,760 I'm not hungry. 501 00:21:23,345 --> 00:21:25,472 I just want to sit and stare at nothing 502 00:21:26,056 --> 00:21:28,183 and silently scream for the rest of time. 503 00:21:29,018 --> 00:21:31,312 I might be way off base here 504 00:21:32,021 --> 00:21:33,689 but you seem kinda bummed. 505 00:21:33,939 --> 00:21:36,066 I really thought I could throw a better party 506 00:21:36,108 --> 00:21:38,986 than a magical, all-powerful being. 507 00:21:39,028 --> 00:21:42,865 And moreover, what's this say about me? About the life I lived? 508 00:21:42,990 --> 00:21:46,577 The way they're torturing me is through event-planning mishaps. 509 00:21:46,827 --> 00:21:48,037 And it works! 510 00:21:48,787 --> 00:21:50,456 Am I really that shallow? 511 00:21:51,665 --> 00:21:52,541 Listen. 512 00:21:53,167 --> 00:21:57,254 Back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a 60-person dance crew. 513 00:21:57,296 --> 00:21:59,423 Whenever we auditioned a new dancer 514 00:21:59,757 --> 00:22:02,051 we would rate them in five categories 515 00:22:02,384 --> 00:22:03,427 dancing ability 516 00:22:03,594 --> 00:22:04,553 coolness 517 00:22:04,762 --> 00:22:05,637 dopeness 518 00:22:05,804 --> 00:22:06,805 freshness 519 00:22:06,889 --> 00:22:08,307 and smart-brained. 520 00:22:08,474 --> 00:22:11,518 I would give you an eight in every category. 521 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:13,270 Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose. 522 00:22:13,395 --> 00:22:14,980 Oh, no. Eight is the best. 523 00:22:15,147 --> 00:22:16,982 It was a scale of one to 13 524 00:22:17,024 --> 00:22:18,901 but eight was highest. 525 00:22:18,942 --> 00:22:20,694 The scale went up and then back down 526 00:22:20,736 --> 00:22:21,612 like a tent. 527 00:22:21,862 --> 00:22:22,738 Why? 528 00:22:23,072 --> 00:22:24,073 It's not important. 529 00:22:24,239 --> 00:22:26,408 Lately, you've been really down on yourself 530 00:22:26,617 --> 00:22:29,244 but you're the most amazing person I've ever met 531 00:22:29,912 --> 00:22:31,163 uh, besides Michael. 532 00:22:31,497 --> 00:22:32,998 And he was constantly torturing us 533 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:34,291 so I'd only rank him a ten. 534 00:22:34,458 --> 00:22:35,793 Which is worse than an eight? 535 00:22:36,794 --> 00:22:38,837 That's so unnecessarily confusing. 536 00:22:39,213 --> 00:22:40,172 The point is 537 00:22:40,631 --> 00:22:44,718 you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. 538 00:22:45,094 --> 00:22:48,347 Never seen you dance, but I bet you're good 539 00:22:48,889 --> 00:22:50,599 because you're good at everything. 540 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:52,601 You're awesome. 541 00:22:53,602 --> 00:22:55,104 Be nicer to yourself! 542 00:22:55,687 --> 00:22:56,939 Thank you, Jason. 543 00:22:59,274 --> 00:23:01,819 From one eight to another. 544 00:23:05,364 --> 00:23:07,157 "Excellent progress this week." 545 00:23:07,199 --> 00:23:09,576 "Tahani, devastated by party mishap." 546 00:23:09,701 --> 00:23:13,997 "Eleanor continues to be a selfish monster, creating burden for Chidi." 547 00:23:14,248 --> 00:23:15,582 "Selfish monster?" 548 00:23:15,624 --> 00:23:18,877 I brought you back from the brink of an existential coma, dude! 549 00:23:18,919 --> 00:23:21,171 Selfish monster... - No, no, I have to embellish your misery 550 00:23:21,213 --> 00:23:24,967 on these fake torture reports so that my boss doesn't get suspicious. 551 00:23:25,008 --> 00:23:29,138 But really, I am grateful you pulled me out of my funk. 552 00:23:30,472 --> 00:23:32,933 I mean, is that how you all felt on Earth? 553 00:23:32,975 --> 00:23:34,560 Because that was just awful. 554 00:23:34,601 --> 00:23:35,853 Oh, yeah, it was no fun. 555 00:23:35,894 --> 00:23:39,356 But you had it worse, because you're an immortal being. 556 00:23:39,523 --> 00:23:42,276 Humans learn that they're going to die when they're six. 557 00:23:42,317 --> 00:23:44,236 - Mm. - How old are you? 558 00:23:44,403 --> 00:23:45,821 Hard to explain, really. 559 00:23:45,946 --> 00:23:49,241 On my birth certificate it just says, "always". 560 00:23:49,825 --> 00:23:50,868 Hm. Well... 561 00:23:51,201 --> 00:23:54,663 now that you've become acquainted with Existential Crises 562 00:23:54,705 --> 00:23:58,876 I thought we could read "Death," by philosopher Todd May. 563 00:23:58,959 --> 00:24:00,669 Sounds like the perfect beach read. 564 00:24:01,170 --> 00:24:02,713 Should we wait for Tahani and Jason? 565 00:24:02,921 --> 00:24:04,298 Where are those goofballs? 566 00:24:05,841 --> 00:24:09,928 So, um, we should probably discuss... 567 00:24:09,970 --> 00:24:12,764 That was awesome! 568 00:24:12,931 --> 00:24:14,224 It was... 569 00:24:15,017 --> 00:24:16,226 surprisingly so. 570 00:24:17,019 --> 00:24:18,395 But we should still discuss-- 571 00:24:18,437 --> 00:24:20,481 You want some breakfast? I know how to make cereal. 572 00:24:20,814 --> 00:24:21,982 Sure, but Jason-- 573 00:24:22,024 --> 00:24:23,066 OK, be right back!