1 00:00:01,481 --> 00:00:02,899 We're on the same page. 2 00:00:02,941 --> 00:00:04,609 I wanna team up with you guys. 3 00:00:04,818 --> 00:00:06,903 What? Why? You do? What? 4 00:00:07,279 --> 00:00:09,906 I'm in a bit of a bind and I could use some back-up. 5 00:00:10,073 --> 00:00:12,367 So, what do you say? New best friends? 6 00:00:13,785 --> 00:00:14,703 Stop it. 7 00:00:14,786 --> 00:00:15,912 You wanna team up? 8 00:00:16,079 --> 00:00:18,540 You've been torturing us and lying about it. 9 00:00:18,623 --> 00:00:20,792 Let's not get all caught up on who lied to who 10 00:00:20,876 --> 00:00:24,046 or which one of us created an entire fake reality 11 00:00:24,129 --> 00:00:27,299 in order to cause eternal misery for the others. 12 00:00:27,382 --> 00:00:28,925 That's ancient history. 13 00:00:28,967 --> 00:00:30,719 It was happening until 20 seconds ago. 14 00:00:30,802 --> 00:00:32,012 The point is that... 15 00:00:33,221 --> 00:00:35,015 circumstances have changed. 16 00:00:35,265 --> 00:00:38,560 And now, all of us teaming up is our best option. 17 00:00:38,810 --> 00:00:41,605 I love being on teams! Oh, we need a team name. 18 00:00:41,688 --> 00:00:42,606 Um... 19 00:00:42,981 --> 00:00:44,608 the Bobcats. - Great. 20 00:00:44,691 --> 00:00:47,986 Slow down, ding-dong. He wouldn't offer us a deal for no reason. 21 00:00:48,070 --> 00:00:49,529 He needs us. 22 00:00:49,988 --> 00:00:50,906 Why? 23 00:00:51,073 --> 00:00:54,326 Because, as you said, you keep beating me. 24 00:00:54,701 --> 00:00:59,039 Look, I built this Neighbourhood as a way to torture the four of you 25 00:00:59,206 --> 00:01:02,250 psychologically for thousands of years. 26 00:01:02,334 --> 00:01:06,505 And you keep figuring it out and taking all the fun out of it. 27 00:01:06,588 --> 00:01:07,589 Fun? 28 00:01:07,881 --> 00:01:11,051 Today, there was a new development that really chapped my nips. 29 00:01:11,218 --> 00:01:13,720 One of my employees is blackmailing me. 30 00:01:14,096 --> 00:01:17,099 Vicky. She runs the clam chowder place 31 00:01:17,224 --> 00:01:19,601 in the main square - "A Little Bit Chowder Now". 32 00:01:19,684 --> 00:01:22,270 - Oh, the place with the chowder fountain. - No. 33 00:01:22,312 --> 00:01:23,480 That's "Pump Up the Clam." 34 00:01:23,563 --> 00:01:26,024 "A Little Bit Chowder Now" has the lazy river of chowder. 35 00:01:26,108 --> 00:01:28,860 Ugh! How did we ever think this was the Good Place? 36 00:01:28,944 --> 00:01:32,072 Vicky thinks that she can run this Neighbourhood better than I can. 37 00:01:32,739 --> 00:01:35,826 And she wants to start her version in 30 minutes. 38 00:01:36,243 --> 00:01:39,121 I'm supposed to reboot you, erase your memory 39 00:01:39,246 --> 00:01:41,373 and turn control over to her. 40 00:01:41,456 --> 00:01:44,835 How are we supposed to team up with you if you wipe our memories again? 41 00:01:44,918 --> 00:01:47,129 Easy. I'm not going to. 42 00:01:47,212 --> 00:01:49,756 You're going to act like you've been rebooted 43 00:01:49,881 --> 00:01:52,717 and pretend that Vicky and the others are torturing you. 44 00:01:52,801 --> 00:01:55,262 But then, on your own time, in private 45 00:01:55,595 --> 00:01:58,390 you can study ethics, ogle mailmen 46 00:01:58,473 --> 00:02:00,225 do whatever you want. - Can I play iPad? 47 00:02:00,392 --> 00:02:01,977 Sure you can, buddy. - Yes! 48 00:02:02,060 --> 00:02:04,187 Guys, there's no debate here. 49 00:02:04,521 --> 00:02:07,149 My boss gave me two chances to make this work. 50 00:02:07,691 --> 00:02:11,111 Suffice to say, I tried more than two times. 51 00:02:11,403 --> 00:02:14,489 If he finds out, we're all in hot water. 52 00:02:14,781 --> 00:02:15,782 Literally. 53 00:02:15,949 --> 00:02:17,117 They will boil us. 54 00:02:17,242 --> 00:02:20,787 We will be the main ingredient in a chowder of pain. 55 00:02:21,371 --> 00:02:23,331 Oh, dear. - But if you help me 56 00:02:23,456 --> 00:02:25,542 you stop being tortured 57 00:02:25,917 --> 00:02:30,046 the Neighbourhood looks like it's working, and I never get in trouble with my boss. 58 00:02:31,047 --> 00:02:32,424 Everybody's happy. 59 00:02:32,757 --> 00:02:33,675 Who's in? 60 00:02:34,217 --> 00:02:36,136 Human meeting. Bedroom. Now. 61 00:02:38,013 --> 00:02:42,642 Oh, yeah, um, that whole no-stair thing, that was part of the torture. 62 00:02:42,726 --> 00:02:44,019 Let me... uh... 63 00:02:46,479 --> 00:02:48,023 Son of a bench. 64 00:02:54,696 --> 00:02:56,907 Anyone have any ideas? - You know, believe it or not 65 00:02:56,990 --> 00:02:58,825 I actually found myself in a very similar situation 66 00:02:58,909 --> 00:03:02,245 a few years ago, except in that instance, Michael was Javier Bardem 67 00:03:02,537 --> 00:03:04,789 and the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room. 68 00:03:04,873 --> 00:03:07,876 OK, stop talking. Do not talk again for 100 hours. 69 00:03:08,210 --> 00:03:10,712 What do we do? - We team up with Michael. 70 00:03:10,795 --> 00:03:14,633 OK, hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why. 71 00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:17,093 He has a bow tie. - Oh, no. 72 00:03:17,427 --> 00:03:19,179 I always trust dudes in bow ties. 73 00:03:19,262 --> 00:03:21,765 Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range 74 00:03:21,848 --> 00:03:25,393 in a Jacksonville bus station and said he'd give me 600 dollars 75 00:03:25,477 --> 00:03:29,147 if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag and brought them to Daytona Beach. 76 00:03:29,564 --> 00:03:30,732 I needed money at the time 77 00:03:30,857 --> 00:03:32,901 cos I had just bet my friend Donkey Doug 78 00:03:33,068 --> 00:03:36,905 that I could chug a whole bottle of Dan Marino cologne and not yarf. 79 00:03:37,447 --> 00:03:39,074 And I lost! 80 00:03:39,449 --> 00:03:41,284 So I put the turties in my bag 81 00:03:41,368 --> 00:03:45,038 I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the 600 dollars. 82 00:03:45,664 --> 00:03:48,959 My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties. 83 00:03:51,461 --> 00:03:52,379 Aaaah! 84 00:03:52,462 --> 00:03:54,965 Look, Michael's a liar. I know liars. 85 00:03:55,090 --> 00:03:57,634 It was my job to trick people into buying fake medicine 86 00:03:57,717 --> 00:03:59,803 and I was the top salesperson seven years in a row. 87 00:04:00,011 --> 00:04:01,513 I thought you only worked there five years. 88 00:04:01,554 --> 00:04:03,765 Proves my point! This is a trick. 89 00:04:04,015 --> 00:04:05,976 There's no way we trust him. - I agree. 90 00:04:06,226 --> 00:04:07,519 He could be lying about this whole thing. 91 00:04:07,602 --> 00:04:09,604 For all we know, you three are in the Bad Place 92 00:04:09,688 --> 00:04:12,148 and I'm up in the Good Place, where I belong, being tested. 93 00:04:12,232 --> 00:04:13,942 How would that even...? 94 00:04:14,234 --> 00:04:15,610 I don't know but it's possible. 95 00:04:15,819 --> 00:04:18,738 Before we do anything, we need more information. 96 00:04:18,822 --> 00:04:21,199 We should ask him every question we can think of. 97 00:04:21,283 --> 00:04:22,617 Yes. - Yes, we shall grill him 98 00:04:22,701 --> 00:04:24,202 like the flank of an Iberian piglet. 99 00:04:24,286 --> 00:04:26,288 I'm sorry, has it been 100 hours? 100 00:04:29,666 --> 00:04:31,418 OK, man. We got questions. 101 00:04:31,501 --> 00:04:34,087 First off, how can we possibly trust you? 102 00:04:34,462 --> 00:04:36,381 You can't. But you have to. 103 00:04:36,464 --> 00:04:38,675 Logically, you shouldn't but you have no choice. 104 00:04:38,758 --> 00:04:40,927 I mean, I wouldn't, if I were you. It's a crazy thing to do. 105 00:04:41,845 --> 00:04:43,513 But you gotta. - What happens if we don't? 106 00:04:43,596 --> 00:04:46,224 Most likely, I reboot you once more 107 00:04:46,641 --> 00:04:49,144 you figure it out again, Vicky tells my boss. 108 00:04:49,227 --> 00:04:50,645 He shuts everything down. 109 00:04:50,729 --> 00:04:56,067 I get punished, you end up spending the rest of eternity in the real Bad Place 110 00:04:56,318 --> 00:04:59,112 up to your necks in a volcano full of scorpions. 111 00:04:59,612 --> 00:05:02,615 I'll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. 112 00:05:02,907 --> 00:05:05,827 Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year? 113 00:05:08,496 --> 00:05:10,665 Oh, you're serious. Uh, no. 114 00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:13,877 Will they ever win the Super Bowl? - Jason, I can't predict the future. 115 00:05:14,919 --> 00:05:16,713 But no. They won't. 116 00:05:16,796 --> 00:05:17,964 OK, well I just have, like 117 00:05:18,006 --> 00:05:19,799 12 more Jaguar questions-- - No, you don't. 118 00:05:19,883 --> 00:05:21,509 - Hey, Janet? - Hi, there. 119 00:05:21,593 --> 00:05:23,553 Do you have something shiny Jason can play with? 120 00:05:26,264 --> 00:05:28,600 How many different versions of this place have we been through? 121 00:05:29,976 --> 00:05:32,729 Uh, let's see... 802. 122 00:05:32,812 --> 00:05:34,522 The longest one was 11 months. 123 00:05:34,647 --> 00:05:37,776 Uh, this current one has only been going for one week. 124 00:05:38,068 --> 00:05:39,569 Boy, you guys barely know each other. 125 00:05:39,778 --> 00:05:41,029 It's gonna make this tough. 126 00:05:41,321 --> 00:05:42,614 What's that super tiny line? 127 00:05:42,947 --> 00:05:45,033 That's the shortest one, eight seconds. 128 00:05:45,408 --> 00:05:46,618 It was a butt-reboot. 129 00:05:46,785 --> 00:05:48,620 I sat on the activator by mistake. 130 00:05:48,912 --> 00:05:53,208 Michael, was I also rebooted 802 times? - Yes, why? 131 00:05:53,291 --> 00:05:55,168 Every time a Janet is rebooted 132 00:05:55,251 --> 00:05:57,879 she increases her social awareness and abilities. 133 00:05:58,838 --> 00:06:01,049 I might be the most advanced Janet in the universe. 134 00:06:01,132 --> 00:06:02,008 Oh. 135 00:06:03,551 --> 00:06:05,595 So, Janet isn't with you? 136 00:06:05,678 --> 00:06:06,554 No. 137 00:06:06,721 --> 00:06:09,724 There has to be a Janet in every Neighbourhood, good and bad. 138 00:06:10,016 --> 00:06:13,937 This one is an actual Good Place Janet that I stole to help sell the ruse. 139 00:06:14,020 --> 00:06:16,856 I guess it didn't work, though. Because you keep failing. 140 00:06:17,190 --> 00:06:18,817 Yes, thank you. - You're welcome. 141 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,527 If you're not human 142 00:06:20,568 --> 00:06:21,569 why do you look like us? 143 00:06:21,778 --> 00:06:24,823 Everyone in the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs 144 00:06:25,031 --> 00:06:27,534 gets randomly assigned a human body 145 00:06:27,659 --> 00:06:30,412 so we can get the feel of how best to torture you. 146 00:06:30,995 --> 00:06:34,290 I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to the hanging bits. 147 00:06:34,624 --> 00:06:35,500 Gross. 148 00:06:35,583 --> 00:06:37,210 Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. 149 00:06:37,293 --> 00:06:38,920 I was talking about my testicles. 150 00:06:39,337 --> 00:06:41,089 What about soulmates? Are they real? 151 00:06:41,381 --> 00:06:45,427 I don't know. I hope not. I mean, pretty lame idea, if you ask me. 152 00:06:45,718 --> 00:06:48,096 Mindy St Claire's is fake, I bet. 153 00:06:48,221 --> 00:06:49,389 No, the Medium Place is real. 154 00:06:49,472 --> 00:06:53,393 So annoying how you managed to slip away from me, all those times. 155 00:06:53,518 --> 00:06:56,354 Why even tell us about any real thing? 156 00:06:56,438 --> 00:06:58,523 Why not just lie about all of it? 157 00:06:58,648 --> 00:07:00,775 Lies are always more convincing when they're closer to the truth. 158 00:07:00,859 --> 00:07:03,236 That's true. I crashed a lot of open-bar weddings 159 00:07:03,319 --> 00:07:04,529 as Eileen Shelbourne. 160 00:07:04,779 --> 00:07:06,865 Even dated a groomsman for a few months 161 00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:10,368 so I had to keep the name, and he got "Eileen" tattooed on his neck. 162 00:07:10,702 --> 00:07:11,619 Seriously? 163 00:07:11,703 --> 00:07:14,372 How are she and I in the same place? - Oh, get over yourself. 164 00:07:14,456 --> 00:07:17,125 Trust me, don't trust me, it doesn't matter. 165 00:07:17,208 --> 00:07:19,961 We're running out of time, and I'm your only option. 166 00:07:20,086 --> 00:07:24,007 "We're running out of time and I'm your only option?" 167 00:07:24,215 --> 00:07:28,845 A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close. 168 00:07:28,928 --> 00:07:30,138 But I never settled for them. 169 00:07:30,472 --> 00:07:33,600 Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me 170 00:07:33,766 --> 00:07:36,227 and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall. 171 00:07:36,478 --> 00:07:39,063 There is always another option. 172 00:07:39,606 --> 00:07:43,401 And yes, I probably could have just said that last part but whatever, don't judge me. 173 00:07:43,485 --> 00:07:45,028 You guys do whatever you want. 174 00:07:45,111 --> 00:07:46,237 I'm out. - No! 175 00:07:46,529 --> 00:07:49,616 My plan only works if all four of you are on board. 176 00:07:49,782 --> 00:07:52,118 Then you better get cracking on a new plan, pally 177 00:07:52,202 --> 00:07:55,955 because so far, I haven't heard a single good reason why I should help you. 178 00:07:56,039 --> 00:07:57,165 Alright, how about this? 179 00:07:57,415 --> 00:08:00,418 You help me trick Vicky and all those other goons 180 00:08:01,794 --> 00:08:04,506 I can get you to the real Good Place. 181 00:08:09,302 --> 00:08:11,596 There's a way to get to the real Good Place? 182 00:08:11,679 --> 00:08:12,639 It's complicated. 183 00:08:13,097 --> 00:08:16,017 It may take a while to arrange especially since I'll have to do it 184 00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:20,772 in secret but yes, yes, there is a potential method of transportation. 185 00:08:20,980 --> 00:08:22,148 Well, is it nice? 186 00:08:22,357 --> 00:08:24,901 Is there a business class? Can I pre-board? 187 00:08:25,151 --> 00:08:26,653 Yeah, let's not worry about that right now. 188 00:08:26,945 --> 00:08:28,988 I can get us there. - "Us"? 189 00:08:29,531 --> 00:08:32,867 You, Mr "Diabolical Torture Guy" are gonna try 190 00:08:32,992 --> 00:08:34,911 to join us in the Good Place? - Yeah. 191 00:08:35,036 --> 00:08:37,497 If I stay in the Bad Place, I'm doomed. 192 00:08:37,580 --> 00:08:42,126 But if I rescue four pitiful, foul-smelling humans 193 00:08:42,210 --> 00:08:43,419 from eternal damnation 194 00:08:43,711 --> 00:08:45,547 hit 'em with the big puppy dog eyes. 195 00:08:45,797 --> 00:08:49,133 "Please, sir, take pity on me, I've changed" and all that crap 196 00:08:50,093 --> 00:08:51,678 maybe I can earn a spot, too. 197 00:08:51,803 --> 00:08:54,556 We didn't deserve the Good Place based on our time on Earth. 198 00:08:54,639 --> 00:08:55,932 Will they even let us stay? 199 00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:57,433 I gotta be honest, I have no idea. 200 00:08:57,517 --> 00:08:59,644 But at least if you help me fool Vicky 201 00:08:59,727 --> 00:09:02,814 your brains don't get erased every two weeks. 202 00:09:05,817 --> 00:09:09,070 OK, all humans who have not already been suckered by Michael 203 00:09:09,153 --> 00:09:10,697 another team meeting. 204 00:09:10,947 --> 00:09:12,991 This is definitely a trap. 205 00:09:13,032 --> 00:09:15,910 We figured out his game every time, and now he's just trying 206 00:09:15,994 --> 00:09:19,747 a new way to mess with us. Teaming up with a demon is insane. 207 00:09:19,872 --> 00:09:22,834 Maybe. But I think we have to do it. 208 00:09:22,917 --> 00:09:24,669 Are you forking kidding me right now? 209 00:09:24,752 --> 00:09:26,713 You take a half an hour to pick out a turtleneck 210 00:09:26,796 --> 00:09:28,089 and yet this you're sure about? 211 00:09:28,214 --> 00:09:30,425 OK, look, I spent my whole life trying to learn about right and wrong 212 00:09:30,508 --> 00:09:32,677 and apparently, I failed. 213 00:09:33,261 --> 00:09:35,263 I want us to get better and I want us to stay that way. 214 00:09:35,346 --> 00:09:38,641 You understand that, right, Tahani? - I understand nothing. 215 00:09:38,933 --> 00:09:42,145 Hey! Same here! - Michael, there's been a mistake. 216 00:09:42,604 --> 00:09:45,565 I belong in the Good Place. The real one with the good people. 217 00:09:45,815 --> 00:09:48,568 Who do I speak to about correcting this? - Me, and you're wrong. 218 00:09:48,985 --> 00:09:49,861 Very well. 219 00:09:50,069 --> 00:09:51,362 I would like to speak to your manager. 220 00:09:51,779 --> 00:09:56,200 Listen, sweetheart, you've only been in this timeline for about a week. 221 00:09:56,409 --> 00:09:58,578 So I think I'm gonna fast forward things a bit. 222 00:09:58,995 --> 00:10:01,539 There's a very good reason why you ended up here. 223 00:10:02,373 --> 00:10:04,375 You never cared about the people you were helping. 224 00:10:04,792 --> 00:10:08,921 You did it only for fame or status or to spite your family. 225 00:10:09,047 --> 00:10:12,175 That is utter tosh! I had my flaws, just like anyone else 226 00:10:12,383 --> 00:10:14,260 but I raised billions for charity. 227 00:10:14,761 --> 00:10:18,431 I was a good person and I defy you or anyone else to prove otherwise. 228 00:10:19,641 --> 00:10:22,560 You know, in all the reboots, I never showed you how you died. 229 00:10:22,852 --> 00:10:26,147 I was saving it in case I ever needed to really make you miserable. 230 00:10:26,356 --> 00:10:27,940 But it's hilarious. 231 00:10:28,274 --> 00:10:29,609 Of course, I mean sad. 232 00:10:29,859 --> 00:10:33,029 But it might help you come to grips with who you really were. 233 00:10:33,279 --> 00:10:34,947 Do you want to remember it? 234 00:10:38,368 --> 00:10:41,579 Tahani Al-Jamil, social activist philanthropist 235 00:10:41,663 --> 00:10:45,124 neck model and now cover girl for "International Sophisticate Magazine." 236 00:10:45,458 --> 00:10:47,251 The issue hits luxury news stands this week 237 00:10:47,335 --> 00:10:48,961 and regular news stands the week after. 238 00:10:49,212 --> 00:10:51,798 Tahani, welcome. - Oh, it's such an honour. 239 00:10:51,881 --> 00:10:54,759 I have long dreamt of being one of the women or yachts 240 00:10:54,842 --> 00:10:55,760 who grace your cover. 241 00:10:55,927 --> 00:10:57,428 Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah. 242 00:10:57,804 --> 00:11:01,015 A woman who as you know was offered the spot on our cover but turned it down. 243 00:11:01,808 --> 00:11:03,685 I actually didn't know that. 244 00:11:04,977 --> 00:11:06,354 Please, carry on. 245 00:11:06,479 --> 00:11:08,564 Well, next week, Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio 246 00:11:08,648 --> 00:11:11,859 to become the youngest person ever inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. 247 00:11:12,151 --> 00:11:13,194 Remarkable. 248 00:11:14,070 --> 00:11:14,987 Is there a question? 249 00:11:15,863 --> 00:11:17,115 Don't you find that remarkable? 250 00:11:18,157 --> 00:11:20,326 Kamilah is very impressive. 251 00:11:20,702 --> 00:11:23,579 As you know, she released her debut album only six months ago 252 00:11:23,663 --> 00:11:25,748 and yet, the critics thought it was so brilliant 253 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:29,419 that the Hall of Fame decided to waive its 25-year waiting period. 254 00:11:29,752 --> 00:11:32,422 Sadly, I will not be attending the ceremony 255 00:11:32,505 --> 00:11:35,758 because I will be in Haiti on a relief mission. 256 00:11:36,092 --> 00:11:38,594 Perhaps we should talk more about that. - Perhaps we should. 257 00:11:39,095 --> 00:11:40,680 But first, another question about Kamilah. 258 00:11:40,763 --> 00:11:43,099 Don't you think she and I would be friends? 259 00:11:43,558 --> 00:11:45,518 We have a lot in common, we are both Capricorn 260 00:11:45,601 --> 00:11:46,728 and we're both only children. 261 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:50,982 I'm sorry, I forgot about you. 262 00:11:56,738 --> 00:12:00,950 Hey, can I get an Irish enema? That's Baileys and Sprite in a ziploc bag. 263 00:12:01,325 --> 00:12:03,536 Excuse me, do I look like a waitress to you? 264 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,204 Yeah. 265 00:12:06,122 --> 00:12:07,039 Here. 266 00:12:18,551 --> 00:12:20,428 Kamilah! Congratulations. 267 00:12:20,803 --> 00:12:22,305 You have all the attention. 268 00:12:22,388 --> 00:12:24,515 Once again. - Who are you? 269 00:12:25,349 --> 00:12:27,935 Really? - Good Lord. 270 00:12:28,686 --> 00:12:29,645 Tahani! 271 00:12:30,104 --> 00:12:32,190 You're a cocktail waitress now. 272 00:12:32,565 --> 00:12:34,400 Honestly, I think this is the right move for you. 273 00:12:34,650 --> 00:12:38,821 No, it's just that my own sister didn't even deign to invite me to her little soiree. 274 00:12:38,946 --> 00:12:43,159 So I had to weasel my way in here like some common... weasel. 275 00:12:43,493 --> 00:12:46,537 I was supposed to be in Haiti being photographed helping people 276 00:12:46,621 --> 00:12:49,749 but instead I delayed my trip by a day to come here and tell you off. 277 00:12:49,832 --> 00:12:51,626 No, you came to do what you always do 278 00:12:51,918 --> 00:12:54,045 make a scene and embarrass yourself. 279 00:12:54,253 --> 00:12:57,423 So I'm just an embarrassment to you? Is that what you think of me? 280 00:12:57,924 --> 00:13:00,843 Honestly, I don't really think about you. 281 00:13:01,010 --> 00:13:02,470 No! Ow. 282 00:13:12,647 --> 00:13:14,982 That's it. Ah! 283 00:13:16,901 --> 00:13:17,860 I'll bring you down! 284 00:13:20,822 --> 00:13:22,198 Come on. Come on! 285 00:13:22,907 --> 00:13:24,617 Come down to the ground where you belong 286 00:13:27,787 --> 00:13:29,247 - Oh, no. - Mm. 287 00:13:29,831 --> 00:13:32,250 I died in Cleveland? 288 00:13:33,167 --> 00:13:36,212 I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway from that story. 289 00:13:36,546 --> 00:13:37,755 Is that really all I cared about? 290 00:13:37,839 --> 00:13:40,925 Just outshining my sister and gaining praise and acclaim? 291 00:13:42,009 --> 00:13:44,262 I mean, I did gain praise and acclaim. 292 00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:46,430 You know, I dare say on some occasions 293 00:13:46,806 --> 00:13:50,810 more praise and acclaim than my sister, Kamilah, so... 294 00:13:53,187 --> 00:13:54,063 Oh. 295 00:13:55,606 --> 00:13:56,524 Oh, I see. 296 00:13:57,608 --> 00:14:00,444 Oh, God. - Oh, come on, now. 297 00:14:00,778 --> 00:14:03,197 It's not all bad. Imagine you're me 298 00:14:03,281 --> 00:14:07,368 and you're designing a torture chamber for people who think that they belong 299 00:14:07,451 --> 00:14:11,330 in the Good Place. I mean, you were perfect. 300 00:14:11,497 --> 00:14:13,958 But I've always wanted to be perfect at something 301 00:14:14,041 --> 00:14:16,210 I just never thought it would be the perfect stooge. 302 00:14:17,879 --> 00:14:18,963 I want to do it. 303 00:14:19,297 --> 00:14:21,507 I want to become the person I pretended to be. 304 00:14:21,591 --> 00:14:22,466 I agree with Chidi. 305 00:14:22,550 --> 00:14:25,511 We should team up with Michael and all try to build a better Tahani. 306 00:14:25,636 --> 00:14:29,015 Great. Yet again, it's everyone against Eleanor. 307 00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,642 Because everyone except Eleanor is an idiot. 308 00:14:31,809 --> 00:14:34,478 Why am I the only person who clearly sees what's going on here? 309 00:14:34,562 --> 00:14:37,815 It's not that we don't understand the risks, we just wanna become better people 310 00:14:37,899 --> 00:14:39,108 and this is our best chance. 311 00:14:39,191 --> 00:14:42,904 Oh, I get it. 'Cos you're so much better than me. 312 00:14:42,987 --> 00:14:44,947 That's what this is about? - Hang on, don't lash out at us 313 00:14:45,031 --> 00:14:46,949 just because of your innate distrust. - Lash out? 314 00:14:47,033 --> 00:14:48,576 No, it's not about who's better. 315 00:14:49,201 --> 00:14:52,496 I have no idea what's going on right now, but everyone else is talking 316 00:14:52,580 --> 00:14:54,624 and I think I should, too! 317 00:14:54,707 --> 00:14:55,791 What is so funny? 318 00:14:55,958 --> 00:14:57,585 I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing. 319 00:14:58,169 --> 00:14:59,337 How do I explain this? 320 00:14:59,795 --> 00:15:04,133 I'm basically an exterminator, and you're cockroaches. 321 00:15:05,009 --> 00:15:07,136 My job was to squish you 322 00:15:07,595 --> 00:15:10,014 and poison you and yet, somehow 323 00:15:10,306 --> 00:15:14,852 my very survival now depends on you, the cockroaches, agreeing to help me. 324 00:15:15,519 --> 00:15:18,356 That's funny. - We're cockroaches to you? 325 00:15:18,564 --> 00:15:20,566 Yeah. Or dung beetles. 326 00:15:20,691 --> 00:15:23,027 I don't know. Something small and gross 327 00:15:23,402 --> 00:15:25,321 that creeps on the ground in its own filth. 328 00:15:25,988 --> 00:15:26,989 Just being honest. 329 00:15:27,114 --> 00:15:29,241 OK, OK, OK. 330 00:15:29,325 --> 00:15:31,994 Alright, forget about him. Forget about him, focus on us. 331 00:15:32,203 --> 00:15:34,664 Kant wrote it is our duty to improve ourselves. 332 00:15:34,956 --> 00:15:37,708 So whatever Michael's reasons for doing this, he's giving us 333 00:15:37,792 --> 00:15:40,211 the best chance to improve ourselves. 334 00:15:41,879 --> 00:15:44,382 OK, I have to admit, you're making a lot of sense right now. 335 00:15:44,507 --> 00:15:50,972 I need to just untangle all of this. Give me a minute to think about it alone. 336 00:15:51,138 --> 00:15:52,014 OK. 337 00:15:57,603 --> 00:15:59,146 - Janet? - Hi, there. 338 00:15:59,313 --> 00:16:02,066 Call me a train. Fill it to the brim with cocaine. 339 00:16:03,526 --> 00:16:05,736 I'm going back to Mindy St. Clair's house. 340 00:16:12,368 --> 00:16:14,370 Gonna bail, huh? - Hm? No. 341 00:16:16,038 --> 00:16:17,873 - Why... why would you say that? - Well... 342 00:16:17,957 --> 00:16:21,085 you got a bag full of clothes, you stuffed a bunch of pillows 343 00:16:21,168 --> 00:16:23,629 and a mop in your bed to make it look like you're asleep 344 00:16:23,754 --> 00:16:26,090 and you're literally sneaking out the back gate. 345 00:16:26,215 --> 00:16:28,467 OK. I'm going to Mindy's. 346 00:16:28,759 --> 00:16:33,180 I don't want to live forever in a boring, beige house with a weird, horny cokehead 347 00:16:33,305 --> 00:16:34,932 but look at what you're asking me to do. 348 00:16:35,057 --> 00:16:39,854 Make a deal with an actual devil so that I can then do homework in secret. 349 00:16:40,146 --> 00:16:42,690 And by the way, you're not my friends, man. 350 00:16:42,773 --> 00:16:44,233 We've known each other for, like, a week. 351 00:16:44,358 --> 00:16:45,609 You know it's more than that. 352 00:16:45,693 --> 00:16:49,196 We've been through some version of this 800 different times. 353 00:16:49,321 --> 00:16:51,532 And who cares that it's only been a week? 354 00:16:52,033 --> 00:16:53,951 How long do you have to know someone before you do the right thing? 355 00:16:54,326 --> 00:16:57,747 Nine weeks, minimum. - OK. 356 00:16:57,913 --> 00:17:02,209 Look, bro, I don't owe you anything. I gotta do what's right for me. 357 00:17:04,253 --> 00:17:07,339 You can come with me if you want. I got another mop we can put in the bed. 358 00:17:08,215 --> 00:17:09,175 Good luck. 359 00:17:20,728 --> 00:17:23,189 I got a couple more questions. - Sure. 360 00:17:23,439 --> 00:17:25,691 Take your time. We're not in a hurry or anything. 361 00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:29,612 How many times in all the reboots did I ask Chidi for help 362 00:17:29,695 --> 00:17:32,323 he refused to help me, and then I had to get better on my own? 363 00:17:32,948 --> 00:17:34,325 Never. He always helped you. 364 00:17:34,408 --> 00:17:36,577 God. Really? 365 00:17:37,036 --> 00:17:38,954 Yep. No matter how I set it up 366 00:17:39,371 --> 00:17:41,832 you found him, confessed you didn't belong 367 00:17:41,999 --> 00:17:44,126 asked him for help, and he said yes. 368 00:17:44,293 --> 00:17:47,213 Now his agreeing to help was part of my plan. 369 00:17:47,296 --> 00:17:51,008 What wasn't part of my plan was it actually working. 370 00:17:51,300 --> 00:17:54,011 Drove me nuts. Pesky little nerd. 371 00:17:54,220 --> 00:17:58,224 Stuck with you and always helped you overcome your biggest problem. 372 00:17:59,016 --> 00:18:01,811 Assuming that's my selfishness. - No. 373 00:18:01,894 --> 00:18:04,271 No, no, no. It's that you never found a haircut 374 00:18:04,814 --> 00:18:08,984 that framed your face properly. Yes, your selfishness. 375 00:18:09,193 --> 00:18:10,861 I'm not that selfish. 376 00:18:11,028 --> 00:18:12,279 Eleanor, your cocaine 377 00:18:12,363 --> 00:18:13,864 and escape train are ready. - Not now. 378 00:18:13,948 --> 00:18:15,241 OK. 379 00:18:19,912 --> 00:18:20,996 I think Michael is a liar. 380 00:18:21,122 --> 00:18:23,582 I think there's a 99% chance he's forking with us. 381 00:18:23,833 --> 00:18:27,128 But he's asking us for help, so we should help him. 382 00:18:27,503 --> 00:18:29,046 Because that's what Chidi would do. 383 00:18:29,421 --> 00:18:32,133 That's what Chidi would do for me or for any of us. 384 00:18:32,508 --> 00:18:35,177 It's what I am doing. - I know. 385 00:18:35,302 --> 00:18:37,930 It's just you're talking about me like I'm not here or something 386 00:18:38,013 --> 00:18:40,474 and that just makes me feel weird. 387 00:18:41,642 --> 00:18:42,518 Alright. 388 00:18:42,935 --> 00:18:44,562 We're all in. We'll help you. 389 00:18:45,146 --> 00:18:48,399 You finally listened to reason. - On one condition. 390 00:18:49,441 --> 00:18:53,070 You wanna be on our team, you gotta be on our team. 391 00:18:53,195 --> 00:18:57,032 Which means the professor over here is gonna give us all lessons 392 00:18:57,116 --> 00:18:59,910 on how to be better people. Including you. 393 00:19:00,035 --> 00:19:04,165 Oh, no. No, I won't be taking any classes. 394 00:19:04,707 --> 00:19:08,711 I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream 395 00:19:08,836 --> 00:19:11,547 Yeah, and we're in Arizona, dirtbag. 396 00:19:11,714 --> 00:19:15,259 A human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster 397 00:19:15,426 --> 00:19:18,095 and literally the dumbest person I've ever met. 398 00:19:18,846 --> 00:19:21,098 And who am I? Describe me now. 399 00:19:21,348 --> 00:19:23,392 We are all going to take classes. 400 00:19:23,517 --> 00:19:27,396 We are all going to improve. And the second you betray us 401 00:19:27,479 --> 00:19:30,983 I walk into Vicky's stinky chowder restaurant and tell her everything. 402 00:19:31,275 --> 00:19:35,946 You agree to those terms, and you can join us on Team Cockroach. 403 00:19:36,197 --> 00:19:39,575 So what's it gonna be? You're running out of time. 404 00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:42,036 And we're your only option. 405 00:19:44,955 --> 00:19:47,249 So it's all frozen yogurt places now, huh? 406 00:19:47,374 --> 00:19:49,543 Yeah, yogurt was what we started with. 407 00:19:49,627 --> 00:19:54,798 A lot of us like the first version best so we went back to 322 408 00:19:54,882 --> 00:19:59,011 perfectly matched human souls, blended together in a blissful 409 00:19:59,094 --> 00:20:02,806 harmonic balance. - Well done. 410 00:20:02,890 --> 00:20:06,352 I've only given this opening day tour to you like, 800 times. 411 00:20:06,518 --> 00:20:09,188 Hey, how's this for my oh-my-God-I'm-in-Heaven face? 412 00:20:10,689 --> 00:20:13,317 Not bad. - Right? I'm a pretty good liar. 413 00:20:14,109 --> 00:20:15,069 You really are. 414 00:20:15,444 --> 00:20:17,154 I've always admired that about you. 415 00:20:17,446 --> 00:20:18,364 Thank you, Michael. 416 00:20:20,241 --> 00:20:23,410 Now I wanna introduce someone that you're gonna get to know very well. 417 00:20:23,661 --> 00:20:26,038 She was the top point getter, so she'll be helping me out 418 00:20:26,121 --> 00:20:28,290 around the Neighbourhood, kind of like your mayor. 419 00:20:28,874 --> 00:20:30,084 Vicky Sengupta! 420 00:20:32,169 --> 00:20:33,754 Vicky, would you like to say a few words? 421 00:20:34,004 --> 00:20:37,758 Actually, Michael, I'd like to sing a few words. Janet. 422 00:20:37,841 --> 00:20:38,926 Hit it! 423 00:20:42,763 --> 00:20:45,933 ♪ At first I was afraid, I was petrified ♪ 424 00:20:46,267 --> 00:20:48,185 ♪ Kept thinking I could never live ♪ 425 00:20:48,310 --> 00:20:49,937 ♪ Without you by my side ♪ 426 00:20:50,562 --> 00:20:52,356 ♪ Then I spent so many nights ♪ 427 00:20:52,731 --> 00:20:55,734 ♪ Thinking how you did me wrong And I grew strong ♪ 428 00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,612 ♪ And I learned how to get along ♪ 429 00:20:58,821 --> 00:21:01,573 ♪ And now you're back from outer space ♪ 430 00:21:02,366 --> 00:21:06,495 ♪ I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face ♪ 431 00:21:06,870 --> 00:21:10,499 ♪ I should have changed that stupid lock should have made you leave your key ♪ 432 00:21:10,958 --> 00:21:12,751 ♪ If I'd known for just one second ♪ 433 00:21:13,002 --> 00:21:15,921 ♪ You'd be back to bother me and so now go! ♪ 434 00:21:17,923 --> 00:21:19,675 I don't know how long I can keep this up. 435 00:21:19,717 --> 00:21:21,427 I nearly cracked about 50 times. 436 00:21:21,719 --> 00:21:23,846 What are you talking about, so far this reboot is dope. 437 00:21:23,929 --> 00:21:27,349 There's fro-yo, there's fro-yo toppings and-- 438 00:21:27,641 --> 00:21:28,642 Oh, spoons! 439 00:21:29,476 --> 00:21:30,352 Alright. 440 00:21:30,728 --> 00:21:32,855 We should have a few hours to ourselves. 441 00:21:32,980 --> 00:21:36,442 Vicky's working on her performance for the welcome party tonight. 442 00:21:36,567 --> 00:21:39,862 It looks like pretending to enjoy her singing is gonna be half our job here. 443 00:21:40,070 --> 00:21:42,156 I got her to tell me how she was gonna torture you 444 00:21:42,323 --> 00:21:43,657 at the party, which is basically 445 00:21:43,741 --> 00:21:45,075 the same way I did. 446 00:21:45,409 --> 00:21:50,456 Eleanor gets drunk, hogs all the shrimp, insults people, etcetera. 447 00:21:50,706 --> 00:21:53,584 Whatever bad stuff you do becomes the basis 448 00:21:53,667 --> 00:21:56,086 for the chaos tomorrow morning. - OK, OK. 449 00:21:56,170 --> 00:22:00,090 So my job is to get drunk and insult people. I think I can hack that. 450 00:22:00,424 --> 00:22:02,843 Now, Chidi, I'm gonna need you to act nervous 451 00:22:03,010 --> 00:22:05,929 and embarrassed by Eleanor. - Way ahead of you. 452 00:22:06,096 --> 00:22:08,265 Tahani, just be your fabulous self. 453 00:22:08,349 --> 00:22:12,061 And Jason, you're good old silent Jianyu the monk. 454 00:22:13,020 --> 00:22:16,357 So I told Vicky that I would handle the surveillance on the four of you. 455 00:22:16,815 --> 00:22:20,861 That'll let us meet each day for Chidi's ethics lessons 456 00:22:20,986 --> 00:22:23,155 which will apparently include me. 457 00:22:23,572 --> 00:22:25,282 Even though that's transparently insane. 458 00:22:25,657 --> 00:22:28,744 Cool. And, um, Janet you're not gonna rat us out, right? 459 00:22:28,994 --> 00:22:34,166 Well, Jason I've been thinking about this a lot over the last 1.3 milliseconds 460 00:22:34,625 --> 00:22:38,545 I'm not allowed to lie, but my purpose is to make humans happy. 461 00:22:38,796 --> 00:22:41,340 And since you're the only actual humans here 462 00:22:41,465 --> 00:22:44,510 I'm on board for whatever fun little schemes you guys come up with. 463 00:22:45,010 --> 00:22:47,012 OK, bring it in. Team huddle. 464 00:22:48,222 --> 00:22:51,934 The Bad Place is about to be outsmarted by a cowardly traitor 465 00:22:52,518 --> 00:22:55,229 four dum-dums, and a robot. - Not a robot. 466 00:22:55,312 --> 00:22:57,689 We can do this. Team Cockroach on three. 467 00:22:57,815 --> 00:22:59,066 One, two, three. 468 00:22:59,358 --> 00:23:01,485 - Team Cockroach! - Bobcats! 469 00:23:02,528 --> 00:23:03,987 I still think that's better.