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This is daily notes log
for attempt number three
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of my Neighbourhood experiment.
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Obviously, I hope and assume
this will be the final version.
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No, I know it will be.
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All the kinks have been worked out.
This is the one.
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And after I pull this off,
they're gonna hang my picture
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in the Bad Place Hall of Fame
right next to the guy
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who invented bees with teeth.
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HE CHUCKLES
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You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.
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Cool.
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I'm Chris Baker.
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I'm your soulmate.
- Bring it in, man.
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Sorry, I must ask,
why are you wearing a sash
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that says "best person" on it?
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Apparently, I am the number one points-getter
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in the entire Neighbourhood.
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Is that so?
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I always have to have my sashes
custom-made
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due to my height and bosom size.
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Also, apparently,
sashes are out this season.
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The diagonal line really draws one's eye
to the chin bloat.
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Go fork yourself, you mean giraffe.
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Run! Giraffes! Giraffes! Run!
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CROWD SCREAMS
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Oh! Mean giraffes are destroying
the Neighbourhood.
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Gah!
- Oh, boy.
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Hey, robot slave lady?
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Busty Alexa?
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Oh, Janet?
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JANET CHIMES: Hi, there.
- Gah!
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Still not used to it.
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Uh, hey, what if I,
an already amazing person
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who definitely belongs here,
wanted to learn even more
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about how to be a good person?
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Is one of these nerds, like, a teacher
or a life coach
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or an Instagram fitness model
or something?
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Eleanor, I'd like you to meet
Chidi Anagonye.
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Chidi, this is Eleanor.
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Janet tells me you were
a professor of some kind.
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Yes, I was a professor of ethics
and moral philosophy
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focusing on deontology.
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Hang on one second, Chibi.
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This guy's too big of a nerd.
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Who else you got?
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Michael, what do we do here?
- I don't know.
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Apparently, the Bad Place knows
that one of you
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actually belongs down there with them,
and they want that person
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to get inside the obelisk,
or they're gonna take all of you.
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I can't go. I'm too young to die
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and too old to eat off the kids' menu.
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What a stupid age I am.
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TAHANI:
I'd never survive down there.
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They should take Eleanor.
She's a pear shape.
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She'd fit right in.
- Oh, excuse me.
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You wish you could have a bite
of this pear.
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I'll go. I deserve to go.
You guys can stay.
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INDISTINCT ARGUMENT
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ELEANOR GASPS
Holy forking shirt.
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You guys, don't you get it?
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Michael is torturing us.
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That's why our lives have been
so miserable
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since the moment we got here.
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This isn't the Good Place.
It's the Bad Place.
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MICHAEL LAUGHS
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Ah, farts.
- HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS
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MICHAEL:
OK, attempt number 11.
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Let's focus on the positives.
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Eleanor always hates her house.
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Tahani always hates Eleanor.
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Jason hates being quiet.
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Chidi immediately gets a stomach ache.
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So there's a lot to work with here.
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Hang on one second, Cheeto.
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So it's gonna be a hard pass on
Superdork Jones over there.
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Anybody else you got to teach me?
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You guys ready for our lesson?
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We're talking David Hume today,
bundle theory of the self, baby.
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Sounds like a real banger,
but you guys gotta scram.
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My soulmate has some sort of surprise
planned for me
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and he seems very excited about it.
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Well, you two are certainly getting
along very well these days.
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Yeah, I'm actually kind of
into Sebastian lately.
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I mean, he's a little hokey,
but he's growing on me a little bit.
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My love, my sweet dewdrop
- JAZZ BEAT PLAYS
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I have written you a three-hour
spoken-word jazz opera.
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Cool!
- ♪ Eleanor, less and more ♪
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♪ Who's it for? ♪
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♪ For you, my dewdrop
cream of the crop ♪
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♪ Top to the bop to the bop to the top ♪
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OK, no, no.
- What?
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No version of heaven for anyone
would ever include three hours of...
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this.
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We're in the Bad Place, aren't we?
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Damn it.
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That was a real trip for biscuits,
and now we're all wet, Daddy-O.
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I never even got to play
my stupid triangle.
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HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS
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No, no, no, no
Michael, please, please, please!
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Please don't kill me.
I have so much to live for.
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I'm sorry, Janet, got to reboot you
every time I start over.
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Oh, I know.
I'm not actually upset.
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It's just the automatic fail-safe mechanism
that kicks in every time
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you approach the plunger.
Go ahead.
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Ah.
- Michael, you monster!
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MICHAEL:
Attempt 32.
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Attempt 57.
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Attempt 99.
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Attempt 108.
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I've analysed some recent data.
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Eleanor always seems to realise
that they're in the Bad Place
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just at the moment that--
- ELEANOR: Excuse me.
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Sorry, the door was open,
so I just came in.
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Did you just say I'm in the Bad Place?
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HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS
- Attempt 109.
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I've closed and locked the door.
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Yep, and we're ready to go.
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This is your soulmate, Greg.
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This is your soulmate, Glenn.
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This is your soulmate, Tahani.
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This is your soulmate, Lerf.
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This is your soulmate,
a golden retriever.
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Hang on.
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Wait a minute.
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You know what?
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Holy smokes.
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This is the Bad Place.
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This is the Bad Place!
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This is the Bad Place.
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This is the Bad Place.
- The pig's getting angry.
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This is the Bad Place!
- Bees, bees, bees, bees!
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Oh! Oh, this is the Bad Place.
- Shh!
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Michael, Michael, if I'm gone,
who will take care of my birds?
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Michael, no, no, no, no, no!
I... I'm pregnant.
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And it's your baby.
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I have tickets to "Hamilton" next week,
and there's a rumour
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that Daveed Diggs is coming back.
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Janet, we've been through this
hundreds of times.
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I mean, can you just chill out?
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Is that possible, Janet?
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Can you just chill out a little?
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Nope, it's gonna be the same every time.
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Yeah, yeah, I know.
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No, no, no! No, Michael!
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Please, please, calm down.
- CROWD YELLS
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Calm down. Alright...
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OK, calm down. Calm down.
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I mean, why even bother at this point?
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I'm obviously never gonna get it right.
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"I'm Eleanor. I'm so smart."
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"I'm actually in the Bad Place."
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
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Shawn still thinks I'm on version two.
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I just keep lying to him,
and it's really bad, but I...
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I mean, I have to keep trying.
I'm in too deep.
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And I'm really fat right now.
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I'm stress-eating,
and I'm gaining weight in my thighs.
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I mean, look at that...
HE BABBLES
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Ugh.
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So sorry. Who are you?
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And where am I?
- It doesn't matter.
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This one doesn't even count.
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Hang on one second, Chili.
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This guy sucks.
Who else you got?
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I can hear you.
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Michael, you simply cannot expect Chidi
to decide whether Eleanor goes to the...
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INDISTINCT ARGUING
- Yo, yo, homies, check it.
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There's something messed up
with this place.
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We keep fighting with each other.
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None of the TVs
get the NFL RedZone channel.
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My soulmate doesn't even know
who Blake Bortles is.
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I know this sounds crazy
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but I think we're in the Bad Place.
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Jason figured it out?
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Jason?
This is a real low point.
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Yeah, this one hurts.
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Ow.
HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS
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MICHAEL:
OK, this might be the one.
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00:08:02,462 --> 00:08:05,381
We're a week in.
Chidi's teaching Eleanor, but she hates it.
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Tahani still thinks that Jason's a monk.
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Everyone's miserable.
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I'm so happy.
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Fingers crossed.
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Vicky, where is everyone?
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They're not coming, Michael.
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You have lost control of this experiment
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so we are on strike
until our demands are met.
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I speak for the entire crew, Michael.
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We're sick of it.
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We can barely remember what we're supposed
to be doing anymore, plus...
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IN BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: I spent weeks
perfecting this excellent Australian accent
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I did. And then I never got a chance
to use it.
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You're still upset about the size
of your part?
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Yes, I want a more important role.
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But that's just my demand.
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All 318 of us have something
we want to do differently.
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Some people want bigger houses.
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00:08:57,141 --> 00:09:00,979
Gayle wants a different backstory
where she was an MMA fighter?
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00:09:01,104 --> 00:09:05,942
Gunnar wants to bite and/or nibble
on humans while they sleep.
199
00:09:06,401 --> 00:09:07,402
You do know, Vicky
200
00:09:07,569 --> 00:09:10,780
that if I were to do some of these
that it would be a dead giveaway?
201
00:09:10,905 --> 00:09:12,865
And I can help you explain that to them.
202
00:09:13,616 --> 00:09:14,784
But some of these are doable.
203
00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:16,744
And you're gonna do 'em.
204
00:09:17,787 --> 00:09:23,126
So Aristotle believes your character
is voluntary, because, uh...
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00:09:23,543 --> 00:09:24,836
are you ignoring me right now?
206
00:09:25,003 --> 00:09:28,923
It's day two of our ethics lessons,
and you're already tuning out?
207
00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:31,175
No, sorry, I just got distracted
for a second.
208
00:09:31,426 --> 00:09:33,678
The last thing I remember you saying is...
209
00:09:34,012 --> 00:09:34,887
nothing.
210
00:09:35,430 --> 00:09:36,598
Can you start from the beginning?
211
00:09:36,723 --> 00:09:38,641
OK, I need a little break.
212
00:09:38,725 --> 00:09:41,978
Can we take a walk or something,
maybe get some clam chowder?
213
00:09:48,234 --> 00:09:50,653
Where is everyone?
- Who knows?
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00:09:51,195 --> 00:09:53,823
Maybe they finally figured out
clam chowder is disgusting
215
00:09:53,906 --> 00:09:56,868
cos it's basically a savoury latte
with bugs in it.
216
00:09:58,119 --> 00:09:59,370
SHE SNIFFS
217
00:09:59,495 --> 00:10:02,123
Is someone smoking a cigar?
218
00:10:03,708 --> 00:10:05,460
GLENN:
Michael really screwed this up.
219
00:10:05,710 --> 00:10:07,420
The regular Bad Place was fine.
220
00:10:07,629 --> 00:10:10,757
If the four-headed flying bears
ain't broke, don't fix 'em.
221
00:10:10,923 --> 00:10:12,675
What was wrong with impaling?
I loved impaling.
222
00:10:13,593 --> 00:10:14,969
KAMARIA:
Hey, Todd, got a light?
223
00:10:15,553 --> 00:10:17,972
Uh, yeah, obviously I have a light.
224
00:10:18,139 --> 00:10:19,932
You know, you guys aren't
supposed to be smoking.
225
00:10:20,099 --> 00:10:21,893
You're supposed to keep
your human suit on.
226
00:10:22,060 --> 00:10:23,728
Those suits are really itchy for us.
227
00:10:23,895 --> 00:10:25,271
Who even cares if they see us?
228
00:10:25,563 --> 00:10:27,315
They're just gonna get rebooted anyway.
229
00:10:27,607 --> 00:10:30,234
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
230
00:10:30,401 --> 00:10:31,819
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
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00:10:31,986 --> 00:10:34,280
This is the Bad Place! I forking knew it!
232
00:10:34,864 --> 00:10:36,532
And clam chowder is disgusting.
233
00:10:36,824 --> 00:10:39,911
It's just hot ocean milk
with dead animal croutons.
234
00:10:40,078 --> 00:10:41,412
OK, but what do we do, panic, freak?
235
00:10:41,496 --> 00:10:43,581
I usually panic, but I am happy to freak.
236
00:10:43,665 --> 00:10:45,917
We have to stay cool.
As my mum always used to say
237
00:10:47,043 --> 00:10:48,753
if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack
238
00:10:48,961 --> 00:10:51,047
there's always something
you can gnaw through.
239
00:10:51,214 --> 00:10:53,132
Your mum always said that?
240
00:10:53,675 --> 00:10:54,634
Come on, brain.
241
00:10:55,468 --> 00:10:56,803
Janet!
- JANET CHIMES: Hi, there.
242
00:10:56,886 --> 00:10:58,638
How can I help you?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
243
00:10:58,721 --> 00:11:03,059
How do we know she's not a part of it?
- We don't, but we gotta risk it.
244
00:11:03,309 --> 00:11:06,187
Janet, can we, like, leave
the Neighbourhood
245
00:11:06,270 --> 00:11:09,524
get as far away as possible?
Is there anywhere we can go?
246
00:11:11,401 --> 00:11:15,947
So, we're in the Bad Place, and I know why.
Almond milk.
247
00:11:16,531 --> 00:11:18,074
I knew it was bad for the environment
248
00:11:18,199 --> 00:11:20,618
but I loved the way
it coated my tongue with a weird film.
249
00:11:21,035 --> 00:11:23,037
Who else is being tortured?
Are we the only two?
250
00:11:23,162 --> 00:11:25,998
I got to assume Jason is as well, Jianyu.
251
00:11:26,165 --> 00:11:28,459
You know him as Jianyu,
but his real name is Jason
252
00:11:28,543 --> 00:11:29,752
and he's a dirt bag from Florida.
253
00:11:30,086 --> 00:11:32,463
What?
- Also, Tahani is a candidate
254
00:11:32,588 --> 00:11:33,589
as far as I'm concerned.
255
00:11:33,673 --> 00:11:36,467
Yesterday, she told me
that she was Taylor Swift's best friend
256
00:11:36,801 --> 00:11:38,553
but Taylor Swift wasn't her best friend.
257
00:11:38,678 --> 00:11:40,138
She sucks.
258
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:43,641
No offense, but I can't believe
you and I ended up in the same place.
259
00:11:43,766 --> 00:11:45,476
Hey, I'm not thrilled about it either, bud.
260
00:11:45,810 --> 00:11:48,396
I always assumed the afterlife was
full of cool people
261
00:11:48,521 --> 00:11:49,814
not talking sweater vests.
262
00:11:50,231 --> 00:11:51,357
You...
- JANET: We're here.
263
00:11:51,733 --> 00:11:54,777
Aren't trains neat? Choo-choo!
264
00:12:02,827 --> 00:12:03,911
Hi. You gotta help us.
265
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,413
I'm Eleanor. This is Chidi.
266
00:12:05,663 --> 00:12:07,290
And see, we thought we were
in the Good Place
267
00:12:07,415 --> 00:12:08,916
but as it turns out...
- Yeah, guys.
268
00:12:09,083 --> 00:12:11,919
I know. You've been here 15 times already.
269
00:12:12,086 --> 00:12:12,962
What?
270
00:12:13,337 --> 00:12:14,964
Did you bring the cocaine I asked for?
271
00:12:15,298 --> 00:12:17,467
Please tell me you somehow
remembered this time.
272
00:12:18,176 --> 00:12:19,635
Mama needs her medicine.
273
00:12:19,886 --> 00:12:20,845
We've met before?
274
00:12:22,096 --> 00:12:23,765
I'm Janet.
- I know.
275
00:12:24,432 --> 00:12:26,768
Vicky, let's look at the big picture here.
276
00:12:26,893 --> 00:12:29,771
Now, if you all can just stick with my plan
277
00:12:30,271 --> 00:12:32,565
and we pull it off, we'll be heroes.
278
00:12:32,732 --> 00:12:34,484
You could write your own ticket.
279
00:12:34,692 --> 00:12:37,820
You might even land
the "Jared from Subway" account.
280
00:12:37,904 --> 00:12:41,115
Yeah, but I don't think you can pull it off.
281
00:12:41,741 --> 00:12:44,035
You can't even pull off those bow ties.
282
00:12:45,661 --> 00:12:48,372
That was very mean,
but I'm gonna move past that
283
00:12:48,581 --> 00:12:49,957
in the name of unit cohesion.
284
00:12:50,166 --> 00:12:52,960
You're gonna reboot
those four dum-dums one more time
285
00:12:53,085 --> 00:12:54,670
and then I'm taking over.
286
00:12:54,921 --> 00:12:57,465
I'm going to execute my version
of this Neighbourhood.
287
00:12:57,882 --> 00:13:01,260
You see, I've been working on it
while all of your versions fell apart.
288
00:13:01,928 --> 00:13:03,763
This is insubordination.
289
00:13:04,013 --> 00:13:06,516
And if you do not do
what I tell you immediately
290
00:13:07,308 --> 00:13:09,060
you are going down.
291
00:13:11,896 --> 00:13:15,942
That's a complete report of every mistake
you've made, every screw-up
292
00:13:16,275 --> 00:13:20,321
every reboot all laid out
in excruciating detail.
293
00:13:20,696 --> 00:13:23,908
Now, I'm sure your boss would love
to hear all about how
294
00:13:24,033 --> 00:13:25,993
"attempt number 2" is really going.
295
00:13:26,035 --> 00:13:27,119
SHE CHUCKLES
296
00:13:27,161 --> 00:13:30,998
So actually, if you don't do what I say
297
00:13:31,165 --> 00:13:32,708
you're going down.
298
00:13:33,209 --> 00:13:34,710
IN "AUSTRALIAN" ACCENT:
Down under.
299
00:13:38,214 --> 00:13:39,465
Is it always the three of us?
300
00:13:39,549 --> 00:13:41,259
It's always at least Eleanor and Janet.
301
00:13:41,676 --> 00:13:43,052
Usually Chidi's in the mix.
302
00:13:43,553 --> 00:13:45,096
Sometimes Jason is here.
303
00:13:45,221 --> 00:13:47,515
One time, Jason and Tahani were here.
304
00:13:47,807 --> 00:13:49,684
But you know what?
No matter what the combo is
305
00:13:49,851 --> 00:13:52,937
I always ask you guys to bring me
cocaine next time, and you never do.
306
00:13:53,354 --> 00:13:54,897
Do you have anything I can snort?
307
00:13:55,022 --> 00:13:57,400
Like a crushed-up aspirin
or some eye-shadow or...
308
00:13:58,276 --> 00:13:59,819
cocaine?
- Still no.
309
00:14:00,778 --> 00:14:02,780
There's only one question
we need to answer right now
310
00:14:02,864 --> 00:14:04,407
and that is, what do we do next?
311
00:14:05,283 --> 00:14:07,285
I mean, this place doesn't seem terrible.
312
00:14:07,326 --> 00:14:09,579
Maybe we should just stay here forever.
- "Maybe we should just stay here forever."
313
00:14:09,912 --> 00:14:12,665
You always say that.
And you always end up going back.
314
00:14:13,082 --> 00:14:15,042
I mean, sometimes you go back
because you feel bad
315
00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:16,377
your friends don't know what you know.
316
00:14:16,836 --> 00:14:18,588
Sometimes you go back
because you walk in on me
317
00:14:18,754 --> 00:14:20,840
while I'm masturbating
and sometimes you go back
318
00:14:21,090 --> 00:14:23,342
because I walk in on you
while I'm masturbating.
319
00:14:24,176 --> 00:14:26,262
But no matter what, you always go back.
320
00:14:26,679 --> 00:14:29,640
You formulate a plan to defeat Michael,
and you head back.
321
00:14:29,974 --> 00:14:31,142
OK, a plan.
322
00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:33,019
We need a plan, but...
323
00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:34,729
What if we come up with a plan
- "What if we come up with a plan"
324
00:14:34,770 --> 00:14:36,188
we've already tried before?
- "we've already tried before?"
325
00:14:36,230 --> 00:14:37,565
Will you please stop that?
- "Will you please stop that?"
326
00:14:38,608 --> 00:14:42,945
Yeah, just to help you out a little,
I've written down every plan
327
00:14:43,029 --> 00:14:46,282
you've ever come up with,
which obviously never worked
328
00:14:46,407 --> 00:14:49,285
because you're here,
and you're back, so good luck.
329
00:14:49,577 --> 00:14:52,246
"Physically attack Michael.
Seduce Michael."
330
00:14:52,413 --> 00:14:54,540
"Make Michael think he's the one
in the Bad Place."
331
00:14:55,124 --> 00:14:57,835
"Catch that magic panda.
Use her powers."
332
00:14:58,794 --> 00:15:00,171
Oh, I'm guessing that was Jason.
333
00:15:00,630 --> 00:15:02,465
That guy has no idea what's going on.
334
00:15:05,509 --> 00:15:09,138
JASON: Hello? Hello.
Where is everyone?
335
00:15:10,264 --> 00:15:12,141
Janet?
- Hey, there, Jason.
336
00:15:12,558 --> 00:15:13,768
Oh, hey, homie.
337
00:15:14,602 --> 00:15:18,022
Uh, I mean... Jason?
338
00:15:18,272 --> 00:15:20,900
Who is Jason? I am a monk.
339
00:15:20,942 --> 00:15:21,943
MICHAEL:
You know what?
340
00:15:23,903 --> 00:15:25,488
Can I talk to you for a second?
341
00:15:25,863 --> 00:15:28,074
I'm in a tight spot,
and I could use someone
342
00:15:28,157 --> 00:15:30,409
to bounce some ideas off of, OK?
343
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,789
Oh, yeah, real quick,
you're really in the Bad Place
344
00:15:34,914 --> 00:15:35,957
and you're being tortured.
345
00:15:36,582 --> 00:15:40,002
What?
- I know it says here that we already tried
346
00:15:40,127 --> 00:15:43,756
throwing Tahani under the bus,
but maybe we should revisit that.
347
00:15:43,923 --> 00:15:46,759
Throw her a little bit harder.
Maybe under a bigger bus.
348
00:15:46,926 --> 00:15:50,805
What do you think?
- I think this is pointless.
349
00:15:50,972 --> 00:15:54,558
We're trapped in a warped version
of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.
350
00:15:54,642 --> 00:15:57,228
Oh, cool, more philosophy.
That'll help us!
351
00:15:57,311 --> 00:15:58,145
Well, don't you see the problem?
352
00:15:58,396 --> 00:16:01,232
We are experiencing karma,
but we can't learn from our mistakes
353
00:16:01,357 --> 00:16:03,067
because our memories keep getting erased.
354
00:16:03,109 --> 00:16:04,902
It's an epistemological nightmare.
355
00:16:05,486 --> 00:16:07,446
Ugh, even your nightmares are boring.
356
00:16:07,905 --> 00:16:09,865
You... you are so mean, Eleanor.
357
00:16:10,032 --> 00:16:12,994
You're just like those childhood bullies
who said I would never get tenure.
358
00:16:13,285 --> 00:16:14,954
And you are so irritating!
359
00:16:15,162 --> 00:16:17,456
In one of these reboots,
I probably strangled you
360
00:16:17,540 --> 00:16:22,128
and then went to the Even Worse Place,
but you know what? I bet it was worth it.
361
00:16:22,545 --> 00:16:23,462
Oh, nice.
362
00:16:23,587 --> 00:16:29,051
Ugh! Sorry, can I just vent to you
for a second? Chidi is so annoying.
363
00:16:29,301 --> 00:16:32,680
I just... I cannot believe that he is the one
I'm stuck here with.
364
00:16:32,805 --> 00:16:34,557
Uh-huh, wow, crazy.
365
00:16:34,724 --> 00:16:38,561
Oh, sorry, Jeez, man, I thought you could
be human for, like, two seconds
366
00:16:38,686 --> 00:16:41,230
and listen to me.
- I have, Eleanor.
367
00:16:41,522 --> 00:16:45,735
I have listened to you talk about Chidi
15 times in 15 different ways.
368
00:16:45,985 --> 00:16:47,236
Let me just cut to the chase.
369
00:16:47,445 --> 00:16:49,822
You two, you got it bad for each other.
370
00:16:51,115 --> 00:16:53,325
No, we don't. Chidi's just a friend.
371
00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:54,660
What am I saying? He's not even a friend.
372
00:16:54,785 --> 00:16:57,121
He's just a weird teacher that I hate.
373
00:17:00,124 --> 00:17:03,002
Dude, I do not want to watch
"Cannonball Run 2" right now.
374
00:17:04,003 --> 00:17:06,589
Alright, what happened in the first one,
so I'm all caught up?
375
00:17:08,758 --> 00:17:12,344
I don't know what's gonna happen to us,
but I need to tell you something.
376
00:17:14,722 --> 00:17:15,639
I love you.
377
00:17:16,766 --> 00:17:20,519
And you don't need to respond
cos I know you have trouble saying
378
00:17:20,603 --> 00:17:21,896
how you feel.
- I love you too.
379
00:17:22,063 --> 00:17:23,397
MINDY SNORTS
- Very funny
380
00:17:23,481 --> 00:17:25,608
but that... that's obviously not real.
381
00:17:25,858 --> 00:17:27,902
Oh, that's real, baby.
382
00:17:27,943 --> 00:17:29,653
That's real nasty.
383
00:17:31,030 --> 00:17:33,783
Yeah, this was, like, the sixth time
you guys were here.
384
00:17:33,991 --> 00:17:36,202
I saw you getting sexy
the previous three times
385
00:17:36,285 --> 00:17:38,412
so I cut a little hole in the wall
so I could tape you.
386
00:17:39,038 --> 00:17:40,289
Call it my lookin' hole.
387
00:17:40,790 --> 00:17:44,085
CHIDI: Is that a camera?
- Mindy, you pervert!
388
00:17:46,462 --> 00:17:48,547
How many times have Chidi
and I slept together?
389
00:17:48,672 --> 00:17:51,634
Eight different days, but, like,
20 different sessions.
390
00:17:51,759 --> 00:17:55,387
And how many times did we say... that stuff?
391
00:17:55,513 --> 00:17:57,807
Oh, only once. Oh, God, I hated it.
392
00:17:57,973 --> 00:17:59,809
It, like, really killed the vibe for me.
393
00:18:00,351 --> 00:18:02,603
See, after I watch the porno
I made starring you
394
00:18:03,104 --> 00:18:05,147
I watch you talk about your feelings
to cool down.
395
00:18:05,523 --> 00:18:06,774
It's, like, anti-porn.
396
00:18:08,901 --> 00:18:11,862
I've only ever said "I love you"
to two men my entire life -
397
00:18:12,321 --> 00:18:13,948
Stone Cold Steve Austin
398
00:18:14,698 --> 00:18:16,158
and a guy in a dark club
399
00:18:16,617 --> 00:18:18,953
who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.
400
00:18:19,328 --> 00:18:21,997
I mean, why would you show me that?
- I don't know.
401
00:18:22,289 --> 00:18:25,292
You guys are, like, trapped here together.
I feel bad.
402
00:18:25,918 --> 00:18:27,253
You know, I'm rooting for you guys.
403
00:18:27,378 --> 00:18:29,922
No, there is no "us guys."
We basically just met each other.
404
00:18:30,089 --> 00:18:31,298
No, Eleanor.
405
00:18:31,924 --> 00:18:34,093
You guys have known each other
a really long time.
406
00:18:35,261 --> 00:18:37,513
Also, it doesn't matter if I told you
that or not
407
00:18:37,555 --> 00:18:40,558
because when Michael finds out
he's failed again, he'll just reboot you.
408
00:18:43,602 --> 00:18:45,271
Chidi, Janet, we're leaving.
409
00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:49,650
I am taking this with me.
410
00:18:49,775 --> 00:18:52,695
"Oh, no, it's my only copy." Don't...
411
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:59,285
MICHAEL:
How did it come to this?
412
00:19:00,161 --> 00:19:03,706
I was just trying to do something
innovative and different
413
00:19:03,831 --> 00:19:05,082
that would improve the way
414
00:19:05,332 --> 00:19:08,169
we make humans' lives miserable
for eternity.
415
00:19:08,460 --> 00:19:10,087
Mm, well...
- Shut up.
416
00:19:10,171 --> 00:19:12,673
What are my options?
Do I have any?
417
00:19:13,924 --> 00:19:17,511
I mean, I can't go along with her plan.
It'll be a spectacular failure.
418
00:19:17,636 --> 00:19:21,265
But I can't ignore her
or she'll rat me out to Shawn.
419
00:19:21,557 --> 00:19:24,935
I'm trapped.
- You're saying a lot of words right now
420
00:19:25,269 --> 00:19:29,481
and I only know some of them,
like "rat" and "Jason"
421
00:19:29,857 --> 00:19:32,818
but I know a little wisdom I can give you.
422
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:35,529
I know everything that happened in your life
423
00:19:35,905 --> 00:19:38,574
and it was all stupid,
so I highly doubt that.
424
00:19:38,699 --> 00:19:41,952
I was a member of a 60-person dance crew
in Jacksonville.
425
00:19:42,494 --> 00:19:46,665
We were called "Dance Dance Resolution:
We Resolve To Dance."
426
00:19:47,333 --> 00:19:49,919
One day, Donkey Doug and I got into a fight
427
00:19:50,252 --> 00:19:52,838
because I'd framed his girlfriend
for boogie board theft
428
00:19:53,005 --> 00:19:56,884
so he started a new dance crew
called "Hashtag DougLife"
429
00:19:57,092 --> 00:20:00,012
and immediately challenged us
to a dance-off.
430
00:20:00,221 --> 00:20:04,266
He said, "Meet us inside the abandoned
orange juice factory at midnight."
431
00:20:04,934 --> 00:20:09,647
That night, as the clock struck 12:00,
me and my crew came together
432
00:20:10,064 --> 00:20:13,776
with a determination we had
never shown before
433
00:20:15,361 --> 00:20:16,820
and slashed all their tyres.
434
00:20:18,447 --> 00:20:19,365
It was dope.
435
00:20:20,324 --> 00:20:21,367
The end.
436
00:20:22,034 --> 00:20:23,827
By Jason Mendoza.
437
00:20:25,037 --> 00:20:28,832
You know, that inane story
actually contains a bit of good advice.
438
00:20:28,958 --> 00:20:31,502
Thank you, Jason.
- You got it, homie.
439
00:20:32,878 --> 00:20:36,799
I give good advice!
Guess that's why I'm in the Good Place.
440
00:20:40,094 --> 00:20:42,137
Oh, there you guys are.
- No.
441
00:20:42,263 --> 00:20:43,889
Stop, no more lies.
442
00:20:44,556 --> 00:20:45,724
Jason, get over here.
443
00:20:46,058 --> 00:20:48,936
That's right. We know his name is Jason,
not Jianyu.
444
00:20:49,061 --> 00:20:50,187
We know everything.
445
00:20:50,896 --> 00:20:53,774
I don't understand much of it,
but, yeah, I know it.
446
00:20:53,899 --> 00:20:57,486
Your sick torture plan is not working, OK?
447
00:20:57,611 --> 00:20:59,488
Cos we keep figuring out your little puzzle.
448
00:20:59,613 --> 00:21:02,283
We're winning, which means you're losing.
449
00:21:02,408 --> 00:21:04,159
So you have two choices here, buddy.
450
00:21:04,243 --> 00:21:07,913
Keep failing over and over
or realise we're actually
451
00:21:07,997 --> 00:21:09,331
the ones with all the power here.
452
00:21:09,790 --> 00:21:11,083
Yeah, no, uh...
453
00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:13,210
We're on the same page.
- What?
454
00:21:13,377 --> 00:21:14,628
I want to team up with you guys.
455
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,047
What? Why? You do? What?
456
00:21:17,423 --> 00:21:19,967
I'm in a bit of a bind,
and I could use some back-up
457
00:21:20,050 --> 00:21:22,469
or as Jason put it, um...
458
00:21:22,553 --> 00:21:23,846
I need a new dance crew.
459
00:21:24,013 --> 00:21:26,223
So, what do you say?
New best friends?
460
00:21:28,142 --> 00:21:29,018
Stop it...