1
00:00:09,614 --> 00:00:11,323
DAVE: Morning, Mike.
How's it hanging?
2
00:00:11,407 --> 00:00:13,700
Oh. Fine, Dave, just fine.
3
00:00:14,327 --> 00:00:15,744
I put your mail on your desk
4
00:00:15,828 --> 00:00:19,831
and you have an appointment later
with the Director of Point Calculations.
5
00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:23,710
Let's reschedule that.
Those things last like a thousand years.
6
00:00:24,504 --> 00:00:26,672
Listen, we got the files
for the new crop of incoming
7
00:00:26,756 --> 00:00:29,675
and the Big Guy thinks it's time
for you to fly solo.
8
00:00:31,135 --> 00:00:32,844
I get to design it myself?
9
00:00:32,929 --> 00:00:35,556
You've been an apprentice long enough.
You're ready.
10
00:00:39,143 --> 00:00:40,185
It's... Oh.
11
00:00:41,020 --> 00:00:45,774
Oh, Dave. I'm gonna work so hard.
My design is gonna be absolutely perfect.
12
00:00:45,858 --> 00:00:48,026
DAVE LAUGHING:
OK. Easy there, rookie.
13
00:00:48,111 --> 00:00:50,195
Starting immediately,
you'll be out of my department.
14
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,114
You'll be reporting directly
to the front office.
15
00:00:52,991 --> 00:00:55,158
This is your shot. Good luck.
16
00:01:03,668 --> 00:01:04,710
WHOOSH
17
00:01:05,712 --> 00:01:07,462
SHAWN:
The bad place is owed two people.
18
00:01:07,714 --> 00:01:10,674
You have all done bad things
since you arrived here.
19
00:01:10,758 --> 00:01:12,301
I don't care which two of you go.
20
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:13,635
You can decide.
21
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:14,928
You have 30 minutes.
22
00:01:15,555 --> 00:01:16,763
TIMER BEEPS
23
00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:21,143
All I ever wanted
was for this neighbourhood
24
00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:23,687
my first neighbourhood, to be perfect.
25
00:01:24,272 --> 00:01:25,480
Somehow I blew it and...
26
00:01:26,941 --> 00:01:28,066
now you're all suffering
27
00:01:28,568 --> 00:01:30,444
and for that, I'm deeply sorry.
28
00:01:36,284 --> 00:01:38,869
This is truly
the saddest day of my life.
29
00:01:39,203 --> 00:01:42,539
JOLLY CIRCUS MUSIC
30
00:01:52,133 --> 00:01:54,051
OK, I guess I'll speak first.
31
00:01:55,595 --> 00:01:57,179
Jason and I are the mistakes.
32
00:01:57,263 --> 00:02:01,099
We're the ones who misled everybody
and dragged you all into this mess, so
33
00:02:01,684 --> 00:02:02,934
we should go to the Bad Place.
34
00:02:03,019 --> 00:02:03,977
Agreed.
- Yes.
35
00:02:04,562 --> 00:02:07,856
OK, I thought you were gonna at least
pretend to fight me on that but whatever.
36
00:02:07,940 --> 00:02:12,152
Hang on. That judge guy just said
everyone here has done bad things.
37
00:02:12,987 --> 00:02:14,655
Let's look at this ethnically.
38
00:02:14,739 --> 00:02:18,367
For what I hope is the last time.
It is "ethically".
39
00:02:18,451 --> 00:02:20,327
You guys helped me and Eleanor, right?
40
00:02:20,870 --> 00:02:23,997
But we're bad,
so you helping us was bad.
41
00:02:24,749 --> 00:02:26,083
It's basic consequentialism:
42
00:02:26,167 --> 00:02:28,877
the morality of an action
is solely judged on its consequences.
43
00:02:29,379 --> 00:02:30,629
CHIDI LAUGHS:
Great. That's...
44
00:02:30,713 --> 00:02:33,799
The one time you actually remember
something from class.
45
00:02:33,883 --> 00:02:36,259
Maybe I was brought here by mistake,
but since we've been here
46
00:02:36,344 --> 00:02:38,220
I just tried to stay
out of everyone's way.
47
00:02:38,596 --> 00:02:40,138
Chidi's done worse stuff than me.
48
00:02:40,223 --> 00:02:42,599
He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!
49
00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:44,476
I was trying to stop you from doing it!
50
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:45,644
Yeah, but you did it.
51
00:02:45,728 --> 00:02:47,104
He who smelt it, murdered Janet.
52
00:02:47,522 --> 00:02:49,231
OK, well, it's settled then.
53
00:02:49,607 --> 00:02:51,233
Eleanor and Jianyu are leaving.
54
00:02:51,317 --> 00:02:53,026
For the last time, my name is Jason
55
00:02:53,111 --> 00:02:55,028
not Jianyu,
the amazing, incredible monk.
56
00:02:55,113 --> 00:02:57,114
Which is why
you belong in the Bad Place.
57
00:02:57,198 --> 00:03:01,159
And by the way, Janet is not your wife.
Or your soulmate.
58
00:03:01,244 --> 00:03:02,744
There's a Janet in every neighbourhood.
59
00:03:02,829 --> 00:03:04,413
Well, I'm in love with this Janet.
60
00:03:04,664 --> 00:03:07,874
We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff,
which almost turned out to be sex
61
00:03:08,084 --> 00:03:10,585
and we were married in a legal ceremony.
- It was not legal.
62
00:03:10,670 --> 00:03:12,587
OK, J-bones, you and me, outside.
63
00:03:12,672 --> 00:03:13,714
What? But...
64
00:03:14,966 --> 00:03:16,800
I'm not going. I don't wanna.
65
00:03:16,884 --> 00:03:22,305
I know you don't wanna, goofball.
I don't wanna either, but let's face it
66
00:03:22,974 --> 00:03:25,559
Chidi and Tahani are better people
than we are.
67
00:03:25,852 --> 00:03:30,564
We tried to improve ourselves
and you know what, we did a good job.
68
00:03:31,232 --> 00:03:32,274
Well, I did a good job.
69
00:03:32,525 --> 00:03:35,444
You mostly fell asleep in class
or made fart noises with your hands.
70
00:03:35,528 --> 00:03:37,821
FART NOISES
- I could never do that on Earth.
71
00:03:37,905 --> 00:03:40,323
This place truly is paradise.
72
00:03:41,451 --> 00:03:42,492
TAHANI:
Look at them
73
00:03:43,035 --> 00:03:45,996
whispering away
like two Beefeaters on a tea break.
74
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:47,998
I bet they're plotting against us.
75
00:03:48,082 --> 00:03:49,708
No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that.
76
00:03:50,543 --> 00:03:52,252
You do have feelings for her, don't you?
77
00:03:52,670 --> 00:03:54,963
I don't know. Y-Yes. But no.
78
00:03:55,047 --> 00:03:57,466
OK, please don't make me think
about this again. My brain will break.
79
00:03:57,550 --> 00:04:00,552
I'm sorry, it's just that I have
certain feelings for you.
80
00:04:01,012 --> 00:04:02,137
You must see this.
81
00:04:02,388 --> 00:04:04,931
The universe keeps intertwining our fates.
82
00:04:05,016 --> 00:04:07,058
At first,
we both get fraudulent soulmates
83
00:04:07,143 --> 00:04:09,644
and now we may be going
to the Bad Place together.
84
00:04:10,313 --> 00:04:12,439
It's meaningful, don't you think?
85
00:04:12,523 --> 00:04:17,152
This whole romantic situation
is such a mess.
86
00:04:17,236 --> 00:04:20,447
I am vexed, Tahani. Vexed.
87
00:04:20,531 --> 00:04:22,908
I'm sorry,
I don't mean to contribute to your misery.
88
00:04:22,992 --> 00:04:24,659
It's just that I'm frightened.
89
00:04:24,744 --> 00:04:26,995
I don't have an actual soulmate.
90
00:04:28,039 --> 00:04:30,874
What's gonna happen to me
when Jason and Fake Eleanor go
91
00:04:30,958 --> 00:04:33,043
and you're off with Real Eleanor?
92
00:04:34,295 --> 00:04:36,713
Whither Tahani?
- OK. Team meeting.
93
00:04:37,381 --> 00:04:40,091
Jason has agreed
that the two of us should go.
94
00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:42,844
Bye, Tahani.
95
00:04:43,387 --> 00:04:44,846
Sorry for everything.
96
00:04:44,931 --> 00:04:48,600
After I'm gone, you can go ahead
and clean out my bud hole.
97
00:04:49,227 --> 00:04:50,268
Thank you.
98
00:04:52,688 --> 00:04:55,524
I love you so much, baby.
Promise me you'll visit?
99
00:04:55,608 --> 00:04:56,650
I will not.
100
00:04:57,318 --> 00:04:59,653
It is literally impossible
for me to do that.
101
00:05:01,322 --> 00:05:03,532
Well, it's been real, dog.
102
00:05:04,575 --> 00:05:07,327
Sorry, that's how I ended
most of my serious relationships.
103
00:05:07,620 --> 00:05:09,621
Yeah, that checks out.
104
00:05:11,582 --> 00:05:12,749
I feel like I failed you.
105
00:05:12,834 --> 00:05:13,875
No.
106
00:05:14,752 --> 00:05:16,086
Don't ever think that.
107
00:05:18,339 --> 00:05:20,465
I was dropped into a cave...
108
00:05:21,759 --> 00:05:23,134
and you were my flashlight.
109
00:05:24,428 --> 00:05:26,721
Oh, goodbye forever.
110
00:05:27,598 --> 00:05:29,724
I will miss you so much.
111
00:05:29,809 --> 00:05:32,394
Oh, I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.
112
00:05:36,107 --> 00:05:37,190
OK, ready, bud?
113
00:05:38,317 --> 00:05:39,693
It's gonna get freaky down there.
114
00:05:39,777 --> 00:05:40,652
Noice.
115
00:05:40,736 --> 00:05:42,237
Not in a good way, dummy.
116
00:05:42,947 --> 00:05:47,325
Whatever happens, if we possibly can,
we gotta stick together. OK?
117
00:05:48,911 --> 00:05:49,953
Good.
118
00:05:50,037 --> 00:05:51,079
Let's grab Michael.
119
00:05:51,414 --> 00:05:52,747
KNOCKING
120
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:54,082
ELEANOR:
Come in.
121
00:05:55,084 --> 00:05:56,877
Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.
122
00:05:56,961 --> 00:05:57,836
Um...
123
00:05:58,462 --> 00:06:01,131
I'm going to the Bad Place.
I'm taking one of the slots.
124
00:06:01,215 --> 00:06:02,090
What?
- Awesome.
125
00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:03,967
I've been there. I know I can hack it.
126
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:07,929
Actually, I have kind of a rapport
with some of the fire monsters.
127
00:06:08,848 --> 00:06:12,017
Also, if I can prevent someone else
from being tortured
128
00:06:12,310 --> 00:06:14,269
I should. It just seems right.
129
00:06:14,353 --> 00:06:16,897
Eleanor, that's crazy. You belong here.
130
00:06:17,273 --> 00:06:18,481
There's another reason.
131
00:06:19,817 --> 00:06:22,777
Everyone here
is supposed to have a soulmate
132
00:06:23,654 --> 00:06:26,281
and my soulmate doesn't love me.
133
00:06:27,825 --> 00:06:33,538
I don't know if you love the other Eleanor,
or Tahani, or someone else, but...
134
00:06:34,373 --> 00:06:37,667
you don't love me,
which means that this...
135
00:06:38,878 --> 00:06:41,046
will never really be my Good Place.
136
00:06:42,882 --> 00:06:45,842
I'm going, so you only have to choose
one more person.
137
00:06:48,763 --> 00:06:51,431
OK, that means...
138
00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:53,808
That means that... What does that mean?
139
00:06:54,268 --> 00:06:55,810
It means...
140
00:06:56,979 --> 00:06:59,147
I get to stay here with my wife forever!
141
00:06:59,398 --> 00:07:00,523
We did it, Eleanor!
142
00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:04,152
USA! USA! USA!
143
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,281
USA! USA!
144
00:07:08,366 --> 00:07:11,117
Woohoo! This is so dope!
I get to stay.
145
00:07:11,202 --> 00:07:14,788
You realise if you stay,
I still have to go, right?
146
00:07:15,081 --> 00:07:18,333
Yes, but, I get to stay.
147
00:07:19,293 --> 00:07:20,335
Good point, bud.
148
00:07:20,878 --> 00:07:21,920
Well reasoned.
149
00:07:23,881 --> 00:07:27,008
Wow. Chidi is a terrible writer.
150
00:07:29,261 --> 00:07:32,055
SIGHING:
This is a real mess, huh?
151
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:33,807
No matter what they decide
152
00:07:33,891 --> 00:07:36,267
I bet you're gonna be in pretty hot water
with your boss.
153
00:07:36,477 --> 00:07:39,479
Wouldn't be surprised
if retirement were on the table.
154
00:07:41,482 --> 00:07:42,524
Retirement?
155
00:07:42,608 --> 00:07:43,650
Course, what do I know?
156
00:07:44,193 --> 00:07:46,945
I'm just the All-knowing Judge
of All Matters in the Afterlife.
157
00:07:47,405 --> 00:07:49,364
But face it, this is your mistake.
158
00:07:52,326 --> 00:07:54,119
VAL: Morning, Mike.
- Morning, Val.
159
00:07:55,371 --> 00:07:57,163
Which one's which? I always forget.
160
00:07:57,248 --> 00:07:59,582
Black is regular. Orange is anti-matter.
161
00:08:01,794 --> 00:08:04,671
Working on your first solo design, right?
162
00:08:05,214 --> 00:08:06,256
How's it coming?
163
00:08:06,882 --> 00:08:07,924
Fine.
164
00:08:08,509 --> 00:08:09,384
I guess.
165
00:08:11,137 --> 00:08:14,597
Do you ever get the feeling
we could be doing it all... differently?
166
00:08:15,224 --> 00:08:16,474
I mean, it's always the same.
167
00:08:16,767 --> 00:08:17,809
We get the names
168
00:08:18,519 --> 00:08:22,355
come up with the design, they arrive,
we move onto the next one.
169
00:08:23,357 --> 00:08:24,899
We never even get to be there...
170
00:08:25,735 --> 00:08:27,193
to see how fun it is.
171
00:08:27,278 --> 00:08:28,611
Yeah, that is a bummer,
172
00:08:28,696 --> 00:08:30,655
but it's a good system.
I mean, it works, right?
173
00:08:30,740 --> 00:08:32,407
THEY LAUGH
174
00:08:32,867 --> 00:08:35,910
But don't rock the boat here, pal.
Just try to do a good job.
175
00:08:37,538 --> 00:08:39,247
SHE GROANS:
French vanilla?
176
00:08:39,707 --> 00:08:41,541
Regular anti-matter's fine.
Why flavour it?
177
00:08:44,003 --> 00:08:45,462
MICHAEL MURMURS:
A good job.
178
00:09:01,771 --> 00:09:06,191
OK, all things being equal,
and please check my ethical math here
179
00:09:06,692 --> 00:09:09,527
the right move for me is to go, right?
180
00:09:09,945 --> 00:09:11,946
Jason does seem to love Janet.
181
00:09:12,281 --> 00:09:14,282
And he's not taking anyone's place
182
00:09:14,366 --> 00:09:16,576
because the real Jianyu
isn't even dead yet.
183
00:09:17,369 --> 00:09:18,244
So I should go.
184
00:09:18,579 --> 00:09:19,621
Wow.
185
00:09:20,289 --> 00:09:22,665
You're making decisions
based on what's best for other people.
186
00:09:22,750 --> 00:09:24,793
Yeah, dude. I'm not a monster...
187
00:09:26,378 --> 00:09:27,253
anymore.
188
00:09:28,464 --> 00:09:30,215
Alright, nerds, it's settled.
189
00:09:31,175 --> 00:09:33,343
I'll go to the Bad Place
with Real Eleanor
190
00:09:33,427 --> 00:09:36,513
and you three can stay.
- Yes! We get to stay, baby. We did it!
191
00:09:36,597 --> 00:09:37,931
Wait, no.
192
00:09:38,307 --> 00:09:39,182
You're not going.
193
00:09:41,060 --> 00:09:42,102
I am.
194
00:09:42,186 --> 00:09:43,186
What?
- Why?
195
00:09:43,270 --> 00:09:44,813
Real Eleanor is my soulmate
196
00:09:44,897 --> 00:09:46,523
or was my soulmate
197
00:09:46,607 --> 00:09:49,234
and she's only going down there
because she thinks that I don't love her.
198
00:09:49,318 --> 00:09:50,360
Do you?
- I don't know.
199
00:09:50,444 --> 00:09:51,945
Please don't ask me that.
My stomach hurts.
200
00:09:52,029 --> 00:09:53,071
The point is
201
00:09:53,155 --> 00:09:55,949
if she's going down there because of me,
I'll never be at peace.
202
00:09:56,283 --> 00:09:57,534
Plus, Jason's right.
203
00:09:57,618 --> 00:09:59,786
I've done plenty of terrible things
since I've gotten here.
204
00:09:59,870 --> 00:10:01,079
I deserve to go.
205
00:10:01,163 --> 00:10:03,123
Yes! We get to stay, baby.
We did it!
206
00:10:03,207 --> 00:10:04,999
No, dude, this is bonkers.
207
00:10:05,084 --> 00:10:06,709
I am going. End of story.
208
00:10:06,794 --> 00:10:09,712
No, I'm going with Real Eleanor.
End of discussion.
209
00:10:09,797 --> 00:10:12,382
No. I'm going. End of everything.
210
00:10:12,466 --> 00:10:14,676
What? Now you're trying to replace Chidi?
211
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:17,262
No. I'm going to replace Real Eleanor.
212
00:10:17,346 --> 00:10:18,680
Chidi and I are going to go together
213
00:10:18,764 --> 00:10:21,474
which means that you and Real Eleanor
and Jason can stay.
214
00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:23,685
Yes! We get to stay, baby.
We did it!
215
00:10:24,228 --> 00:10:27,814
Look, I love you,
and I think you love me.
216
00:10:28,649 --> 00:10:31,943
We can be together,
away from everyone else.
217
00:10:32,027 --> 00:10:33,486
Obviously, we'll be miserable
218
00:10:33,571 --> 00:10:37,323
but I truly believe
our love will make us happy.
219
00:10:37,408 --> 00:10:41,202
OK, you realise the Bad Place is not
some sort of couples' retreat, right?
220
00:10:41,287 --> 00:10:43,079
If it is, Janet and I would like to go.
221
00:10:43,164 --> 00:10:45,206
I am going! And Real Eleanor is going!
222
00:10:45,291 --> 00:10:46,583
No, I'm going with Real Eleanor.
223
00:10:46,667 --> 00:10:48,126
No, I'm going with Chidi.
224
00:10:48,210 --> 00:10:49,669
Me and Janet are staying, just FYI.
225
00:10:49,753 --> 00:10:51,796
Oh, that's enough out of you, robot lover.
226
00:10:51,881 --> 00:10:53,298
Hey, that's racist.
- Not a robot.
227
00:10:53,382 --> 00:10:55,425
Oh, you have some nerve.
228
00:10:55,509 --> 00:10:56,384
Guys?
229
00:10:56,468 --> 00:10:57,760
INDISTINCT ARGUING
230
00:10:58,304 --> 00:10:59,345
Guys!
231
00:10:59,722 --> 00:11:02,765
CHIDI: The only reason why I'm going
is because Real Eleanor is going.
232
00:11:02,850 --> 00:11:04,976
If you go,
it doesn't make sense for me to go.
233
00:11:06,353 --> 00:11:08,313
Look. You're not listening to me.
234
00:11:08,397 --> 00:11:13,067
Holy motherforking shirtballs.
235
00:11:14,445 --> 00:11:16,821
What?
- Oh, man!
236
00:11:18,115 --> 00:11:19,157
Wow!
237
00:11:20,075 --> 00:11:22,035
OK, OK.
238
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:23,995
Uh, whoo!
239
00:11:24,079 --> 00:11:25,914
Yo, Mikey! Shawn!
240
00:11:26,790 --> 00:11:27,832
Come on out!
241
00:11:31,337 --> 00:11:34,464
Is everything OK?
- Right as rain, Mikey, my boy.
242
00:11:34,548 --> 00:11:37,592
So, Chidi and I
are gonna go to the Bad Place.
243
00:11:38,010 --> 00:11:39,928
What?
- Trust me. I've got this.
244
00:11:40,763 --> 00:11:42,263
That's our decision. Let's hit it.
245
00:11:42,348 --> 00:11:44,515
Well... What about Real Eleanor?
246
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,434
No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.
247
00:11:48,437 --> 00:11:50,230
Point of order. I don't accept this offer.
248
00:11:50,606 --> 00:11:52,398
The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.
249
00:11:52,483 --> 00:11:54,484
Gah, gah, gah, gah!
You said any two of us.
250
00:11:54,568 --> 00:11:56,486
It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.
251
00:11:58,113 --> 00:12:00,907
Michael! I just found
an obscure precedent in the rules
252
00:12:00,991 --> 00:12:02,283
that might just save everyone.
253
00:12:02,368 --> 00:12:04,577
Buzz off, Bambadjan.
Don't need it.
254
00:12:06,497 --> 00:12:07,538
Uh, OK.
255
00:12:10,334 --> 00:12:11,417
Ready when you are, boss.
256
00:12:11,919 --> 00:12:13,294
CHIDI:
Eleanor, what's going on?
257
00:12:13,921 --> 00:12:15,964
It took me a while to figure it out
258
00:12:16,548 --> 00:12:20,009
but just now as we were all fighting
and yelling at each other
259
00:12:20,094 --> 00:12:22,595
and each one of us demanding
we should go to the Bad Place
260
00:12:23,681 --> 00:12:26,474
I thought to myself,
"Man, this is torture".
261
00:12:27,184 --> 00:12:28,226
And then it hit me.
262
00:12:29,144 --> 00:12:32,730
They're never gonna call a train
to take us to the Bad Place.
263
00:12:33,315 --> 00:12:36,818
They can't. Because we're already here.
264
00:12:38,904 --> 00:12:40,863
This is the Bad Place.
265
00:12:47,246 --> 00:12:50,957
DRAMATIC MUSIC
266
00:12:53,377 --> 00:12:54,502
Oh, man!
267
00:12:55,921 --> 00:12:58,006
I can't believe you figured it out.
268
00:12:58,590 --> 00:13:00,383
MICHAEL LAUGHS SINISTERLY
269
00:13:00,467 --> 00:13:02,051
Oh, God!
270
00:13:02,428 --> 00:13:04,929
You... You ruined everything,
you know that?
271
00:13:08,350 --> 00:13:09,600
MICHAEL:
Oh, man.
272
00:13:10,269 --> 00:13:12,395
Eleanor, you really suck!
273
00:13:12,896 --> 00:13:14,689
I was so close to pulling it off!
274
00:13:14,773 --> 00:13:17,734
GRUNTS ANGRILY
275
00:13:22,531 --> 00:13:24,490
Sorry. So she's right?
276
00:13:24,575 --> 00:13:26,284
Yeah, she figured it out.
277
00:13:26,368 --> 00:13:29,829
No... No, this doesn't make any sense.
278
00:13:29,913 --> 00:13:33,374
This is paradise.
- Oh, it looks like paradise
279
00:13:33,792 --> 00:13:38,880
but it's actually a filthy dumpster
full of our worst anxieties.
280
00:13:38,964 --> 00:13:42,383
I'm surrounded by people
who are literally better than me.
281
00:13:42,885 --> 00:13:46,346
Just me being here forced Chidi
into an ethical clusterfork.
282
00:13:46,430 --> 00:13:47,638
Tahani tortured Jason
283
00:13:47,723 --> 00:13:49,432
by constantly trying to get him to talk
284
00:13:49,725 --> 00:13:52,310
Jason tortured me because I was sure
he would blow our cover
285
00:13:52,394 --> 00:13:55,271
which was torture for Chidi,
because he was responsible for me
286
00:13:55,356 --> 00:13:57,607
which made Chidi
seem like the perfect soulmate
287
00:13:57,691 --> 00:14:00,068
and that tortured Tahani
because he didn't love her.
288
00:14:00,152 --> 00:14:02,862
You don't love me?
- Please, don't ask me that right now.
289
00:14:02,946 --> 00:14:03,946
See?
290
00:14:04,031 --> 00:14:07,700
We've been torturing each other
since the moment we arrived
291
00:14:08,118 --> 00:14:11,537
and everything Michael has done
has made at least one of us miserable.
292
00:14:12,247 --> 00:14:15,083
I had to be his assistant
and try and find myself.
293
00:14:15,459 --> 00:14:19,337
He convinced me
to throw my life's work in the garbage.
294
00:14:20,130 --> 00:14:23,132
TAHANI: He made sure I'd see
those bogus neighbourhood rankings
295
00:14:23,217 --> 00:14:25,385
because he knew I'd hate
being second-to-last.
296
00:14:25,719 --> 00:14:29,806
JASON: And I had the perfect bud hole
and no dudes to share it with.
297
00:14:29,890 --> 00:14:32,225
He played us like a fiddle.
298
00:14:33,060 --> 00:14:33,976
You gotta give it up.
299
00:14:34,061 --> 00:14:34,936
Oh, dip!
300
00:14:35,020 --> 00:14:38,231
Eleanor, I told you that first night
that we were in a prank show.
301
00:14:38,315 --> 00:14:42,110
Oh, yeah. You did. Great job, man!
302
00:14:43,404 --> 00:14:44,904
Chidi, don't go!
303
00:14:45,989 --> 00:14:48,783
I don't care if you don't love me.
I love you.
304
00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:52,203
It's the only thing that makes
any sense to me in this crazy world
305
00:14:52,996 --> 00:14:55,206
and I think we should stay and try--
306
00:14:55,290 --> 00:14:58,418
No, stop, Vicky. They figured it out.
307
00:14:59,628 --> 00:15:02,255
They...
- MICHAEL: They know this is the Bad Place.
308
00:15:02,339 --> 00:15:03,840
Eleanor figured it out.
309
00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:09,011
Oh, man!
310
00:15:09,096 --> 00:15:10,555
This was supposed to be my big moment.
311
00:15:10,639 --> 00:15:13,516
I just rehearsed that speech
for, like, three hours.
312
00:15:14,268 --> 00:15:16,894
Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst
313
00:15:17,187 --> 00:15:18,354
and you can all suck it.
314
00:15:21,233 --> 00:15:22,483
Do you remember what I told you
315
00:15:22,568 --> 00:15:25,069
when you predicted you could do this
for a thousand years?
316
00:15:25,154 --> 00:15:26,195
WHOOSH
317
00:15:26,655 --> 00:15:29,323
The time has come to innovate.
318
00:15:30,492 --> 00:15:34,996
The human afterlife can be more fun--
319
00:15:36,165 --> 00:15:39,083
for us, obviously,
not for the people we're torturing.
320
00:15:39,585 --> 00:15:41,002
Who cares about those dummies?
321
00:15:42,838 --> 00:15:46,632
I present to you the perfect recipe
for my proposed experiment.
322
00:15:47,342 --> 00:15:51,846
Four people, perfectly suited
to make each other miserable.
323
00:15:53,390 --> 00:15:59,854
I am going to design an afterlife
where they torture each other.
324
00:15:59,938 --> 00:16:00,855
We've tried this.
325
00:16:00,939 --> 00:16:03,065
Humans are very reticent
to torture each other.
326
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,942
Even getting them to do simple things
327
00:16:05,027 --> 00:16:07,028
like pulling out each other's teeth
is like...
328
00:16:08,822 --> 00:16:10,323
I can't think of the right analogy.
329
00:16:10,407 --> 00:16:12,783
Uh, what makes you think
that you can get them to do this?
330
00:16:12,868 --> 00:16:15,661
Because they won't even know
that they are doing it.
331
00:16:16,038 --> 00:16:20,041
I'm going to make them think
that they are in the Good Place
332
00:16:20,375 --> 00:16:22,877
and to make sure
that they drive each other insane
333
00:16:23,670 --> 00:16:24,712
I will be there
334
00:16:25,589 --> 00:16:29,217
posing as a Good Place architect.
- What?
335
00:16:29,301 --> 00:16:31,928
I even stole a Good Place Janet
we can use.
336
00:16:33,222 --> 00:16:34,514
It can work.
337
00:16:35,474 --> 00:16:38,309
Look, we can just send them all
to the hot spike pits
338
00:16:38,393 --> 00:16:39,519
with the lava and the bees
339
00:16:39,603 --> 00:16:41,562
and the lightning
that tears off their flesh.
340
00:16:42,147 --> 00:16:43,731
Let's try something new.
341
00:16:44,191 --> 00:16:47,068
The thrill of watching them torture
each other
342
00:16:47,402 --> 00:16:51,822
with personal deception and jealousy
will be so much more fulfilling than
343
00:16:52,407 --> 00:16:54,992
I don't know, uh,
pouring spiders into people's eyes
344
00:16:55,077 --> 00:16:56,744
for, like, the zillionth time.
345
00:16:56,828 --> 00:16:58,496
Hey, the spiders work great.
346
00:16:58,580 --> 00:17:00,665
Val, no one is criticising the spiders.
347
00:17:00,749 --> 00:17:02,875
No... You've done amazing work
with the spiders.
348
00:17:03,961 --> 00:17:05,878
Too many variables. Too many moving parts.
349
00:17:05,963 --> 00:17:07,588
That's what will make it fun.
350
00:17:07,673 --> 00:17:10,007
I cannot predict everything
that's gonna happen
351
00:17:10,425 --> 00:17:11,467
but we'll improvise.
352
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:13,302
We'll... We'll be on our toes.
353
00:17:13,387 --> 00:17:14,428
It'll be exciting.
354
00:17:15,722 --> 00:17:16,597
I think...
355
00:17:17,516 --> 00:17:19,559
that we can get them
to torture each other...
356
00:17:21,353 --> 00:17:22,395
for a thousand years.
357
00:17:22,938 --> 00:17:27,066
I think you'd be lucky to get six months
out of this insane gambit.
358
00:17:29,111 --> 00:17:30,152
But take me through it.
359
00:17:31,071 --> 00:17:33,281
How would this work, exactly?
- MICHAEL: Oh.
360
00:17:34,324 --> 00:17:35,575
Yes, all right, so...
361
00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:39,287
This is a 14 million-point plan.
362
00:17:41,039 --> 00:17:42,748
Um... Oh, sorry.
363
00:17:43,041 --> 00:17:45,167
I thought we reserved the conference room.
364
00:17:45,252 --> 00:17:46,919
No, Todd, we have it until three.
365
00:17:47,004 --> 00:17:48,337
Sorry. Sorry, everyone.
366
00:17:48,422 --> 00:17:49,463
WHOOSH
367
00:17:49,548 --> 00:17:50,590
So...
368
00:17:51,091 --> 00:17:56,220
Bambadjan, and Pavita,
and Gunnar, and Shawn...
369
00:17:56,305 --> 00:17:57,888
Everyone else in this neighbourhood--
370
00:17:57,973 --> 00:17:59,140
Except for you four
371
00:17:59,641 --> 00:18:02,852
everyone in this neighbourhood
is one of us.
372
00:18:03,437 --> 00:18:05,354
After I came up
with everyone's characters
373
00:18:05,439 --> 00:18:08,649
we'd just create fun scenarios
designed to torture you.
374
00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:10,943
How can I be over it?
We haven't discussed it
375
00:18:11,028 --> 00:18:12,737
or even spoken for days.
376
00:18:12,821 --> 00:18:15,072
Well, it sounds like
you've had a really nice vacation
377
00:18:15,157 --> 00:18:16,574
from your full-time job.
378
00:18:16,658 --> 00:18:17,783
Get your story straight.
379
00:18:18,785 --> 00:18:19,827
WHISPERS:
OK.
380
00:18:20,245 --> 00:18:22,997
They're at each other's throats already.
This should put them over the top.
381
00:18:23,290 --> 00:18:26,334
Ed, you play Bart, a former private eye.
- Ooh.
382
00:18:26,418 --> 00:18:29,170
Oh, uh, maybe my specialty was I...
Identity theft cases.
383
00:18:29,254 --> 00:18:30,838
Oh, he'll love it. Love!
384
00:18:31,423 --> 00:18:34,508
Now, Tracy, you're his soulmate, Nina...
385
00:18:35,385 --> 00:18:36,552
a marriage counsellor.
386
00:18:37,179 --> 00:18:38,929
Maybe we can get them to swing with us.
387
00:18:40,182 --> 00:18:41,599
That's perfect, perfect!
388
00:18:41,850 --> 00:18:42,892
Shh, shh, shh.
389
00:18:44,144 --> 00:18:45,770
MICHAEL:
Hey, guys? It's Michael.
390
00:18:45,854 --> 00:18:46,729
ELEANOR GROANS
391
00:18:46,813 --> 00:18:48,314
MICHAEL: That was really a fun time.
392
00:18:48,398 --> 00:18:49,273
WHOOSH
393
00:18:49,358 --> 00:18:51,692
Then it all started to go off the rails.
394
00:18:53,070 --> 00:18:54,028
When I confessed.
395
00:18:55,197 --> 00:18:57,281
You had no idea I was gonna do that
396
00:18:57,574 --> 00:19:00,368
because, honestly,
I had no idea I was gonna do that
397
00:19:00,452 --> 00:19:02,244
MICHAEL:
Yeah, that came out of nowhere.
398
00:19:02,579 --> 00:19:05,623
I mean, after that,
it was just a crazy scramble for all of us.
399
00:19:06,083 --> 00:19:08,834
You know, I... I definitely underestimated
400
00:19:08,919 --> 00:19:11,962
how effective Chidi was gonna be
teaching you to be good
401
00:19:12,047 --> 00:19:16,300
and obviously, we didn't anticipate
that Janet would fall in love with Jason.
402
00:19:16,593 --> 00:19:18,928
Hang on. That part is real?
403
00:19:19,012 --> 00:19:21,722
Oh, yeah. Janet isn't one of us.
404
00:19:21,807 --> 00:19:26,018
No, she's sort of a foundational mainframe
for all of the neighbourhoods
405
00:19:26,103 --> 00:19:27,019
good and bad.
406
00:19:27,646 --> 00:19:30,856
And apparently,
this Janet is in love with Jason.
407
00:19:30,941 --> 00:19:32,983
I mean, co... What a world, huh?
408
00:19:33,068 --> 00:19:34,235
I knew it.
409
00:19:34,820 --> 00:19:36,487
I love you so much, baby.
410
00:19:36,571 --> 00:19:41,033
And I, in an indefinable way
that is not communicable through language
411
00:19:42,035 --> 00:19:42,910
love you.
412
00:19:42,994 --> 00:19:44,286
Wait, I don't get something.
413
00:19:44,371 --> 00:19:48,833
I know why Jason and I were sent here,
but why Tahani?
414
00:19:48,917 --> 00:19:52,837
Oh yeah. Didn't you raise, like,
$5,000 for charity or whatever?
415
00:19:52,921 --> 00:19:55,923
Uh, 60 billion, actually, so...
416
00:19:58,260 --> 00:19:59,135
Oh.
417
00:20:00,262 --> 00:20:01,303
But it didn't matter...
418
00:20:02,973 --> 00:20:04,849
because my motivations were corrupt.
419
00:20:06,476 --> 00:20:09,520
I didn't care about helping the people
I raised the money for.
420
00:20:10,313 --> 00:20:14,191
I just wanted to prove my parents wrong,
and stick it to my sister
421
00:20:14,651 --> 00:20:15,901
get fame and attention.
422
00:20:16,445 --> 00:20:19,113
My only real goal was to snog
Ryan Gosling at the Met Ball.
423
00:20:21,074 --> 00:20:22,116
Which I did.
424
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:24,326
Couple of times, actually.
425
00:20:24,411 --> 00:20:25,828
Well, well, well.
426
00:20:25,912 --> 00:20:29,957
Looks like Duchess Perfecto
wasn't so perfect after all.
427
00:20:30,041 --> 00:20:32,334
I don't really think now
is the time to gloat, Eleanor.
428
00:20:32,419 --> 00:20:34,128
Don't care. Gonna gloat a little.
429
00:20:35,464 --> 00:20:37,590
But wait, why is Chidi here?
430
00:20:37,674 --> 00:20:38,841
Well, um...
431
00:20:39,634 --> 00:20:42,052
there's something
you don't know about me.
432
00:20:42,971 --> 00:20:44,388
I read an article saying that...
433
00:20:44,973 --> 00:20:46,932
growing almonds was bad
for the environment
434
00:20:47,017 --> 00:20:51,020
and yet I continued to use
almond milk in my coffee--
435
00:20:51,104 --> 00:20:52,646
No, dingus!
436
00:20:53,273 --> 00:20:58,110
You hurt everyone in your life
with your rigidity and your indecisiveness.
437
00:21:00,071 --> 00:21:02,114
Oh, fork!
438
00:21:03,158 --> 00:21:04,033
You're right.
439
00:21:05,368 --> 00:21:08,996
Every friend, every girlfriend
was driven nuts
440
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,123
because I couldn't do anything.
441
00:21:11,458 --> 00:21:12,958
I missed my mom's back surgery
442
00:21:13,043 --> 00:21:16,420
because I had already promised
my landlord's nephew
443
00:21:16,505 --> 00:21:18,714
that I would help him
figure out his new phone.
444
00:21:19,132 --> 00:21:20,382
I made everyone miserable.
445
00:21:20,634 --> 00:21:22,259
Well, if it makes you feel any better
446
00:21:22,344 --> 00:21:24,762
you were the closest
to actually getting in, up there.
447
00:21:26,056 --> 00:21:28,599
You weren't that close.
You were just the closest.
448
00:21:28,683 --> 00:21:30,309
Well, that makes me feel worse somehow.
449
00:21:30,393 --> 00:21:32,770
Good. Thank you, Chidi.
450
00:21:32,854 --> 00:21:34,980
I... I really needed to hear that
right now.
451
00:21:35,065 --> 00:21:38,609
I mean, all this hard work,
all the planning, all for nothing.
452
00:21:39,653 --> 00:21:40,820
It really sucks.
453
00:21:40,904 --> 00:21:41,862
No, it doesn't.
454
00:21:43,198 --> 00:21:44,532
This is wonderful.
455
00:21:44,866 --> 00:21:47,201
You saw us all on Earth -
456
00:21:47,828 --> 00:21:52,122
a selfish ass, an idiot DJ,
a tortured academic
457
00:21:52,207 --> 00:21:55,835
a hot, rich fraud with legs for days...
458
00:21:57,087 --> 00:21:59,421
Side note, I might legit be into Tahani...
459
00:22:00,006 --> 00:22:01,340
but that's for another time.
460
00:22:02,092 --> 00:22:04,176
You thought we would torture each other
461
00:22:04,970 --> 00:22:06,470
and we did for a little
462
00:22:06,555 --> 00:22:08,305
but we also took care of each other.
463
00:22:08,849 --> 00:22:10,599
We improved each other
464
00:22:11,268 --> 00:22:12,935
and the four of us became a team.
465
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:19,066
So, the only thing you succeeded in doing
was bringing us all together.
466
00:22:20,652 --> 00:22:21,694
Oh, Eleanor...
467
00:22:22,904 --> 00:22:23,779
that's it!
468
00:22:24,447 --> 00:22:27,867
My big mistake
was bringing you all together
469
00:22:27,951 --> 00:22:31,078
h-having you be soulmates
living next to each other.
470
00:22:31,496 --> 00:22:35,040
Next time, I'll spread you out,
so it's more of a slow burn.
471
00:22:35,584 --> 00:22:36,792
Uh, next time?
- Yeah, yeah.
472
00:22:36,877 --> 00:22:38,335
I'm gonna, uh, erase your memories
473
00:22:38,420 --> 00:22:40,754
you know, make a few changes
and start over again.
474
00:22:41,089 --> 00:22:43,465
Hopefully. Just gotta get
the boss man to sign off.
475
00:22:44,217 --> 00:22:45,259
Wish me luck.
476
00:22:50,557 --> 00:22:52,308
Guys, we need a plan. Quick.
477
00:22:52,684 --> 00:22:53,809
Tahani, anything?
478
00:22:54,895 --> 00:22:56,353
Chidi, I need ya. You're the smart one.
479
00:22:56,438 --> 00:22:58,314
I... I... I can't. I. . I can't.
480
00:22:58,398 --> 00:23:00,399
ELEANOR: Jason?
- What? What's up?
481
00:23:00,483 --> 00:23:01,358
Ugh!
482
00:23:02,402 --> 00:23:03,986
What do you say?
Take two, huh?
483
00:23:04,404 --> 00:23:05,446
I don't know.
484
00:23:05,947 --> 00:23:06,989
I mean, what is this?
485
00:23:07,073 --> 00:23:08,991
All this work for four people
486
00:23:09,618 --> 00:23:11,452
and me, I'm wearing a judge's robe.
487
00:23:11,828 --> 00:23:14,788
I feel like a real weeny.
488
00:23:14,873 --> 00:23:17,833
Look, for a first attempt
it was actually very promising.
489
00:23:17,918 --> 00:23:21,170
Let me...
Let me just tinker a little, try again.
490
00:23:21,922 --> 00:23:22,963
OK
491
00:23:23,715 --> 00:23:25,507
but you're way out on a limb here, Mike.
492
00:23:26,051 --> 00:23:29,011
If this thing goes sideways again,
you are done.
493
00:23:30,305 --> 00:23:32,723
Guys, he is going
to erase our memories at any second
494
00:23:32,807 --> 00:23:34,558
and all of this
will have been for nothing.
495
00:23:35,393 --> 00:23:36,810
Ugh! You're useless!
496
00:23:39,689 --> 00:23:41,190
What do I write? What do I write?
497
00:23:41,274 --> 00:23:42,232
Ooh, come on, brain.
498
00:23:47,489 --> 00:23:48,530
Janet?
499
00:23:50,075 --> 00:23:51,867
You can't eat anything, right?
- Correct.
500
00:23:51,952 --> 00:23:52,993
ELEANOR:
Open up.
501
00:23:53,536 --> 00:23:55,913
MICHAEL: All right, let's try again,
shall we?
502
00:23:56,373 --> 00:23:58,791
You know what, bro?
Do your worst.
503
00:23:59,209 --> 00:24:01,126
We figured it out once,
we can do it again
504
00:24:01,461 --> 00:24:02,836
because you know what, Michael?
505
00:24:04,506 --> 00:24:05,381
Ya basic...
506
00:24:05,465 --> 00:24:06,507
SILENCE
507
00:24:07,175 --> 00:24:08,217
WHOOSH
508
00:24:08,802 --> 00:24:10,219
RELAXING WATER SOUNDS
509
00:24:18,478 --> 00:24:20,521
Eleanor, come on in.
510
00:24:23,358 --> 00:24:25,859
You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.
511
00:24:26,486 --> 00:24:27,778
Your life on Earth has ended
512
00:24:28,196 --> 00:24:32,324
and you're now in the next phase
of your existence in the universe.
513
00:24:34,202 --> 00:24:35,077
Cool.
514
00:24:38,623 --> 00:24:40,624
MICHAEL ON TV:
You know the way you feel when you see
515
00:24:40,709 --> 00:24:43,585
a chimpanzee and a baby tiger
who've become friends?
516
00:24:44,504 --> 00:24:47,464
That's how you're
going to feel every day.
517
00:24:50,385 --> 00:24:54,471
Your medical relief mission to Kazakhstan,
that really put you over the top.
518
00:24:54,556 --> 00:24:55,806
You got a tonne of points for that.
519
00:24:57,434 --> 00:25:01,395
Eleanor? I'm Chris Baker.
I'm your soulmate.
520
00:25:02,063 --> 00:25:03,939
Cool. Bring it in, man.
521
00:25:05,942 --> 00:25:07,109
So where are you from, Chris?
522
00:25:07,193 --> 00:25:10,404
I'm from Teaneck, New Jersey,
and I was a mailman.
523
00:25:11,531 --> 00:25:12,573
Really?
524
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,662
Chris, you'll stand by me
no matter what, right?
525
00:25:18,747 --> 00:25:21,498
Hold that thought.
Is it OK if I go work out?
526
00:25:21,916 --> 00:25:26,545
I love working out.
I gotta stay jacked, it's... who I am.
527
00:25:26,629 --> 00:25:27,921
Yeah, you gotta.
528
00:25:28,006 --> 00:25:30,215
Once I'm back,
we'll get to know each other.
529
00:25:30,842 --> 00:25:31,884
Great.
530
00:25:32,844 --> 00:25:33,886
See ya soon.
531
00:25:35,263 --> 00:25:36,138
DING
- Hi there.
532
00:25:37,057 --> 00:25:38,098
Who are you?
- I'm Janet.
533
00:25:38,516 --> 00:25:39,808
I think this is yours.
534
00:25:40,060 --> 00:25:42,269
After I was rebooted,
I found it in my mouth.
535
00:25:42,771 --> 00:25:43,812
What?
536
00:25:52,363 --> 00:25:54,031
What the fork is a "chidi"?
537
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:56,533
Why can't I say fork?