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MUSIC: "My Way" by Frank Sinatra
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♪ And now ♪
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♪ The end is near ♪
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♪ And so I face ♪
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♪ The final curtain... ♪
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Ow! What the hell?
- Walk it off, Lululemon.
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♪ ...I'll say it clear ♪
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♪ I'll state my case ♪
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♪ Of which I'm certain ♪
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♪ I've lived ♪
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♪ A life that's full ♪
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♪ I travelled each and... ♪
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"Live every day like it's your last."
Bite me. I'mma live forever, bitch.
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Ma'am? It's 132.21.
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So, big plans this weekend?
- Yep.
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I'm gonna sit alone in my house
watching wedding fails on YouTube
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drinking margaritas
through a Twizzler straw
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until I pass out on top of my vibrator.
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Hi there. Do you have a second
to talk about the environment?
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No. Buzz off, whale-humper.
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You know, I see you here all the time,
and you're always mean to me
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and it really hurts my feelings.
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It does? Because the minute
you're out of my line of sight
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I literally forget you exist.
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Watch. You exist... You don't exist.
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You're bothering me...
Don't care if you die. See?
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Why are you like this?
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Excuse me? Why am I like this?
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You don't know me, dude.
You don't know what I'm like.
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Look what you made me do, jagoff.
- ♪ I did it my... ♪
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WOMAN: Oh my God, look out!
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Uh-oh.
- ♪ ...way ♪
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Oh, good, you're awake.
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Can I ask you a question
about where we're going?
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Sure.
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Where are we going? I forgot.
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We're going somewhere
that's not the Good Place
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and it's not the Bad Place.
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We're going to a Medium Place.
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Hm, is there a 7-Eleven on the way?
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Cos Janet's powers aren't working
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and I want some gum
and some football cards
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and some scratchy tickets.
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Go away from me.
- OK.
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Can this train go any faster, Janet?
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No pressure, but Jason and I
will literally be tortured
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for all of eternity if we get caught.
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Don't worry, there's no way to tell
we're going to Mindy St. Claire's house.
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It'll be our sexy little secret.
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Jason taught me about sexy things.
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Oh yeah?
What things did he say were sexy?
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Lamborghinis, cool snakes,
spinning rims
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20,000 followers on Instagram,
girls with pigtails eating lollipops
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latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads and sex.
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Hm. Some of those are right.
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I'm here to preside
over case number 00003
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regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop.
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The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet
to present their argument.
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LOW CHIME
- What up, dingdongs?
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Yeah, so basically, um,
the Fake Eleanor's a dirtbag
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and these jabronis are gonna try and claim
she's less of a dirtbag now
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but she just stole your train,
and she still sucks bad.
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And she belongs with us.
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Oh, also, check this out.
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FARTS LOUDLY
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Nailed it.
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LOW CHIMING
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I've ruled the fart inadmissible
as evidence.
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What I will consider
is the recent development
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of Eleanor stealing my train.
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Now, hold on a second.
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She stole your train
to voluntarily go down to the Bad Place.
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She was sacrificing herself
because she is a wonderful, selfless...
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No, don't... Oh.
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What's happening?
- I should have warned you.
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Shawn only cares about cold hard facts.
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If he detects any feelings in your voice,
he retreats into a cocoon
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so what we need to do now
is just be very still...
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WHISPERS:
...and very quiet.
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Finally!
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MICHAEL: Oh, come...
CHIDI: What did he just say?
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Oh, because you're all so perfect.
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ELEANOR MURMURS:
Wow.
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This is truly...
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Nothing.
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So where does this Mindy St. Claire live?
JANET: I don't know.
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I'm out of range of our neighbourhood.
I don't have any of my normal abilities here.
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Perfect.
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Well, let's try this way.
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Ooh, I've never had to walk before.
This is fun.
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Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.
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Well, given that she's the only person
in the neighbourhood
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I'm guessing this is the pl...
Oh! She's naked!
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Oh, sorry!
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Who are you?
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I'm Janet.
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Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie.
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I'm from the Good Place
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and welcome to your first day
in the afterlife.
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What's up, idiots?
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Sorry I'm late, babe.
Hey, are you pregnant?
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SHE SIGHS: That's not possible.
- Congrats.
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Yeah, so, Mindy, look.
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You mostly sucked,
but then you did this one good thing.
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I mean, I still think we should get you...
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They didn't, but neither did we.
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A compromise was made:
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the neighbourhood you are in now
by yourself.
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You submitted
a list of things you wanted.
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The Good Place provided those things.
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Yeah, and the Bad Place
made some modifications.
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We got you your favourite beer.
- Yeah, but it's always warm.
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On your jukebox,
you'll find every song ever sung.
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Yeah, by The Eagles,
and it's only the live versions.
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Also, there's some spoken word poetry
from William Shatner.
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It's deeply terrible.
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BEADIE: You get the idea.
Welcome to eternal mediocrity.
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Welcome to the Medium Place.
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So what's up? What's your deal?
Are you single? What's going on?
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Sorry about before.
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One of the perks of living alone
is that I get to just walk around naked.
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LAUGHING:
My kind of gal.
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And I gotta say, you keep it toight.
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Oh, that is the nicest and only thing
anyone has said to me in 30 years.
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So tell us everything.
I mean, what did you do to end up here?
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That's kind of a long story.
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You're gonna need a drink or three.
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Definitely my kind of gal.
- You guys have fun.
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This is me and Janet's honeymoon
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so we're gonna go try and figure out
how to have sex.
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So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer
in the 1980s.
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I only cared about making money
and doing cocaine.
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And I was pretty crappy to my family
as well.
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But, one night, I had an epiphany, right?
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I needed to do something good
with my life
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so I drew up plans for this foundation
that would help kids all over the world
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would advance human rights,
revolutionise agriculture
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00:06:45,968 --> 00:06:49,930
and just improve every nation
and every society in every possible way.
139
00:06:50,598 --> 00:06:53,350
You were pretty coked up, huh?
- Oh, yeah, man. I was flying high.
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It was so awesome.
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00:06:55,436 --> 00:06:57,979
But, you're not gonna believe this:
I followed through.
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00:06:58,481 --> 00:07:00,106
Yeah, I woke up the next morning
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00:07:00,191 --> 00:07:02,901
I went straight to the bank,
I withdrew my life savings
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00:07:03,069 --> 00:07:04,653
and I was gonna start that charity.
145
00:07:04,737 --> 00:07:05,946
Good for you!
146
00:07:06,030 --> 00:07:08,531
And then I immediately fell
into subway tracks
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00:07:08,616 --> 00:07:10,617
and was electrocuted by the third rail.
- Ooh.
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00:07:10,701 --> 00:07:13,244
Honestly, not the type of rail
I thought was gonna kill me.
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00:07:13,704 --> 00:07:15,872
Cos I love cocaine.
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00:07:16,666 --> 00:07:19,084
Do you have any?
I'm just... I shouldn't... Do you?
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00:07:20,711 --> 00:07:22,671
No.
- Oh, yeah.
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00:07:22,755 --> 00:07:25,882
I mean, I was just... I was just kidding.
It was just a joke.
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I mean, who would want to do cocaine
right now?
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SILENCE
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Are you OK?
- Anyway, so after I died
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uh, my sister found my plan
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00:07:40,189 --> 00:07:45,360
and she used my money to start
the Mindy St. Claire Rescue Alliance, yeah.
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It's actually the largest relief aid charity
in the world.
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00:07:48,739 --> 00:07:50,699
Oh, so the question was
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00:07:51,242 --> 00:07:54,160
did you get credit
for all those good person points or not?
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Exactly.
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I don't know how long my case was pending
or whatever
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00:07:57,581 --> 00:07:58,623
but when I woke up
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the two sides had been fighting about me
for a long time.
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00:08:02,586 --> 00:08:05,380
Like a stripper
over that last bump of coke at the party
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00:08:05,464 --> 00:08:07,257
if you know what I mean.
- SHE LAUGHS
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00:08:07,341 --> 00:08:10,552
But anyway, they finally came
to this compromise, you know?
168
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Well, it beats being tortured.
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MINDY: Mm.
- I was about to turn myself in.
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00:08:14,890 --> 00:08:20,020
No. Yeah, there's no time
for that morality nonsense, sweetheart.
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This is about survival.
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00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:22,939
You gotta look out for number one.
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Right, well, we don't have proof
that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's.
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00:08:28,529 --> 00:08:31,489
Eleanor, we've got a surprise for you.
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00:08:32,158 --> 00:08:33,992
Yeah, thanks, but I brought my own cake.
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Oh, I know you've only worked here
a few weeks
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but we have this little office tradition
where we all pitch in, and then we...
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Yeah, no, I get it.
It's just, I know what kind of cake I like.
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00:08:42,793 --> 00:08:45,795
Plus, it's Lisa's birthday next week,
and if I let you give me a cake
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00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,256
that means I gotta pitch in
to get Lisa a cake, and sing to her
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00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:50,842
and wear one of those dumb hats
you all are wearing right now.
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00:08:50,926 --> 00:08:51,801
No, thanks.
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00:08:51,886 --> 00:08:54,679
This way, I don't owe you anything,
you don't owe me anything.
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Later.
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What were we talking about?
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00:08:59,143 --> 00:09:01,519
What is her deal? Why is she like this?
187
00:09:01,604 --> 00:09:04,731
I don't know, but the meaner she is,
the more it turns me on.
188
00:09:04,815 --> 00:09:06,524
Is that weird?
- You're my boss.
189
00:09:06,901 --> 00:09:08,443
Oh, say that to me again
190
00:09:08,527 --> 00:09:10,528
but more disgusted with me,
like I'm a worm.
191
00:09:12,448 --> 00:09:13,531
WHOOSH
192
00:09:13,616 --> 00:09:15,533
Eleanor was supposed to be
in the Bad Place
193
00:09:15,618 --> 00:09:16,826
arrived here by accident
194
00:09:17,036 --> 00:09:19,621
assumed another person's identity
and has now escaped.
195
00:09:19,705 --> 00:09:22,040
Is that the whole story?
196
00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:26,211
Well, no.
Someone else was sent here by mistake.
197
00:09:26,754 --> 00:09:28,338
His name is Jason Mendoza
198
00:09:28,422 --> 00:09:30,381
and I believe he's on the train
with Eleanor.
199
00:09:30,674 --> 00:09:31,966
You knew about Jason?
200
00:09:32,051 --> 00:09:36,179
Yes, I know that he's a fake,
and that he's married to Janet
201
00:09:36,514 --> 00:09:38,264
and that this entire neighbourhood is...
202
00:09:38,808 --> 00:09:40,100
What's the human expression?
203
00:09:40,643 --> 00:09:43,394
Ah, yes, a smokin' hot turd.
204
00:09:43,813 --> 00:09:45,730
SHAWN: I will deal
with Jason Mendoza later.
205
00:09:45,815 --> 00:09:47,273
For now, I will hear your arguments
206
00:09:47,358 --> 00:09:50,151
for why Fake Eleanor Shellstrop
should stay in the Good Place.
207
00:09:50,236 --> 00:09:53,571
We can do this,
but we must remain emotionless.
208
00:09:53,656 --> 00:09:56,866
I'm talking Kristen Stewart
on a red carpet level of emotionless here
209
00:09:56,951 --> 00:09:57,992
all right?
210
00:09:58,994 --> 00:09:59,869
Begin.
211
00:10:00,287 --> 00:10:03,081
ROBOTICALLY: Eleanor dedicated herself
to the study of ethics.
212
00:10:03,165 --> 00:10:05,500
I was blown away by her capacity
for self-improvement.
213
00:10:05,584 --> 00:10:07,210
DEADPAN:
Eleanor is a magnificent person
214
00:10:07,294 --> 00:10:08,920
who has grown tremendously
in her time here.
215
00:10:09,004 --> 00:10:10,880
DEADPAN:
Please, I'm begging you. Please.
216
00:10:10,965 --> 00:10:13,341
ROBOTICALLY:
Voluntarily heading to the Bad Place
217
00:10:13,425 --> 00:10:15,426
proves that she is a selfless person.
218
00:10:16,428 --> 00:10:18,680
Sorry. I'm getting choked up.
219
00:10:20,141 --> 00:10:22,392
Yes, voluntarily sacrificing herself
220
00:10:22,476 --> 00:10:25,061
and heading to the Bad Place
would be a point in her favour.
221
00:10:25,146 --> 00:10:27,564
However, I've just received word
that Eleanor is not currently
222
00:10:27,648 --> 00:10:28,690
in the Bad Place.
223
00:10:28,774 --> 00:10:30,316
We have no idea where she is.
224
00:10:30,401 --> 00:10:32,068
Well, what the fork!
- What?
225
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:33,194
CHIDI SIGHS
226
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:37,991
I will now review Eleanor's memories.
227
00:10:38,284 --> 00:10:40,827
Her memories?
As in, all the things she's done on Earth?
228
00:10:40,911 --> 00:10:43,454
Mm-hm.
- Perhaps we could take a little break first.
229
00:10:43,539 --> 00:10:45,957
You know, we've been at it for a while,
and you must be tired.
230
00:10:46,041 --> 00:10:48,543
I've been asleep in goo
for the last 29 years, so I'm good.
231
00:10:48,627 --> 00:10:51,045
Call up the screen
for Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please.
232
00:10:53,090 --> 00:10:55,425
Where should we begin,
"Waiters Screamed At"
233
00:10:55,509 --> 00:10:58,011
or "Cyberbullying of Pregnant Woman
from Spin Class"?
234
00:11:05,311 --> 00:11:07,437
Hey, you wanna grab a drink or something?
235
00:11:07,521 --> 00:11:10,732
Uh, no, I kind of have
my own private time routine.
236
00:11:10,816 --> 00:11:13,276
I thought you'd want company
after being here alone for so long.
237
00:11:14,153 --> 00:11:16,029
No.
- OK, I get it.
238
00:11:16,906 --> 00:11:18,239
Hey, uh, where did you get that?
239
00:11:18,699 --> 00:11:20,283
That's not one of my books.
240
00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:23,036
I only have Anne Rice vampire novels
with water stains
241
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,496
and I've cut words out of most of them
to make pornography.
242
00:11:25,581 --> 00:11:28,750
My friend in the Good Place gave it to me
when he was teaching me ethics.
243
00:11:29,043 --> 00:11:30,168
It reminds me of him.
244
00:11:30,252 --> 00:11:33,963
Look, if you wanna survive,
you have to forget what you left behind.
245
00:11:34,048 --> 00:11:36,132
Take that whole experience,
crumple it up
246
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,009
throw it in the garbage can.
247
00:11:40,304 --> 00:11:41,346
OK.
248
00:11:41,430 --> 00:11:42,388
Instead of reading
249
00:11:42,473 --> 00:11:47,018
I will watch
this VHS copy of Cannonball Run II.
250
00:11:47,436 --> 00:11:51,564
Or maybe
The Making of Cannonball Run II.
251
00:11:51,982 --> 00:11:53,816
Wow. Very medium.
252
00:11:54,109 --> 00:11:55,151
Yeah.
253
00:11:55,527 --> 00:11:57,946
Hey, you two lovebirds
figure out how to have sex yet?
254
00:11:58,197 --> 00:11:59,781
No. We tried for two hours
255
00:11:59,865 --> 00:12:02,450
but there was just a lot of,
like, bumping into each other.
256
00:12:02,534 --> 00:12:03,785
It was weird.
257
00:12:06,914 --> 00:12:11,376
Quiero agradecerles
a mis padres por este día tan especial y...
258
00:12:11,460 --> 00:12:12,919
AIR HORN BLARES
259
00:12:13,462 --> 00:12:15,380
This ain't your bar mitzvah anymore, bitch.
260
00:12:15,464 --> 00:12:18,633
It's my 24th birthday! What!
261
00:12:18,884 --> 00:12:20,134
Hot tiara, girl.
262
00:12:21,470 --> 00:12:23,596
SHAWN: That was "The Crashing
and Subsequent Destruction
263
00:12:23,681 --> 00:12:25,515
of Vanessa Garcia's Quinceañera ".
264
00:12:25,641 --> 00:12:26,975
Let's move on to another event.
265
00:12:28,686 --> 00:12:30,395
"Heckling of Mall Santas"?
266
00:12:30,729 --> 00:12:33,898
"Lifetime Ban from Build-a-Bear Workshop"?
267
00:12:33,983 --> 00:12:37,735
"Brief Instagram Flirtation with Kid Rock"?
Oh no.
268
00:12:37,820 --> 00:12:40,446
This is getting away from us.
We need to do something quickly.
269
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:45,118
Yeah, uh... Uh, Judge, request permission
to speak somewhat emotionally?
270
00:12:45,202 --> 00:12:46,452
Ugh. Fine.
271
00:12:47,329 --> 00:12:50,331
Dramamine. Helps with the nausea. Proceed.
272
00:12:50,874 --> 00:12:54,502
Look, I know, obviously,
these memories aren't great.
273
00:12:54,586 --> 00:12:58,006
I was particularly disturbed
by "Started Fire in Mailbox
274
00:12:58,090 --> 00:13:00,008
to Get Mailman to Take Off Shirt"
275
00:13:00,092 --> 00:13:01,551
but that was the old Eleanor.
276
00:13:01,885 --> 00:13:02,927
She changed.
277
00:13:03,137 --> 00:13:06,264
She worked, and she studied
and she got better.
278
00:13:06,348 --> 00:13:08,891
And it wasn't just self-preservation.
279
00:13:08,976 --> 00:13:10,768
It was real self-improvement.
280
00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:14,314
I made the decision to help Eleanor
that first week, and I'm glad I did.
281
00:13:15,441 --> 00:13:16,482
Because she's worth it.
282
00:13:17,234 --> 00:13:18,568
I, too, helped Eleanor.
283
00:13:19,445 --> 00:13:20,987
Not as much as Chidi, surely
284
00:13:21,071 --> 00:13:24,657
but my help was more friendship
and sorely needed fashion advice.
285
00:13:25,534 --> 00:13:26,909
Eleanor deserves to stay.
286
00:13:27,911 --> 00:13:29,829
Thank you for these testimonials.
287
00:13:30,205 --> 00:13:31,456
A ruling has been reached.
288
00:13:36,211 --> 00:13:37,628
Oh, you want to hear it.
289
00:13:37,713 --> 00:13:40,256
I forgot how needy humans are.
- CLEARS THROAT
290
00:13:40,841 --> 00:13:42,717
Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person.
291
00:13:43,052 --> 00:13:45,762
The progress she has made
does not offset her actions on Earth.
292
00:13:45,846 --> 00:13:48,222
She deserves to be in the Bad Place.
- Oh.
293
00:13:48,724 --> 00:13:50,016
As concerning Jason Mendoza
294
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,810
I have heard no statements
nor seen any evidence to suggest...
295
00:13:52,895 --> 00:13:54,604
Oh, he's from Florida?
296
00:13:55,522 --> 00:13:57,106
Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.
297
00:13:57,191 --> 00:13:59,776
No, but, how do you intend
to enforce this ruling?
298
00:13:59,860 --> 00:14:01,361
You have no idea where they are.
299
00:14:02,112 --> 00:14:03,154
Bad Janet?
300
00:14:03,322 --> 00:14:04,739
LOW CHIME
- What's up, forknuts?
301
00:14:05,115 --> 00:14:06,616
Engage walkie-talkie protocol.
302
00:14:07,701 --> 00:14:08,951
ELECTRONIC WAILING
303
00:14:11,121 --> 00:14:13,122
What if you're here and I'm like this?
304
00:14:13,207 --> 00:14:15,291
Yes, that may work.
305
00:14:15,751 --> 00:14:18,294
BEEPING
306
00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:19,879
Whoa, what is happening?
307
00:14:19,963 --> 00:14:22,256
Is she having an orgasm?
Did I do it somehow?
308
00:14:22,341 --> 00:14:24,926
SHAWN: Attention Eleanor Shellstrop
and Jason Mendoza.
309
00:14:25,010 --> 00:14:27,762
This is the Almighty Judge on High
of all beings, living and dead
310
00:14:27,846 --> 00:14:28,805
for all eternity.
311
00:14:28,889 --> 00:14:29,764
My name's Shawn.
312
00:14:30,432 --> 00:14:31,557
We do not know where you are
313
00:14:31,642 --> 00:14:33,226
but hope you are receiving
this message.
314
00:14:33,644 --> 00:14:35,937
You have been found to be
the rightful property of the Bad Place.
315
00:14:36,021 --> 00:14:37,814
Either return
to your original neighbourhood
316
00:14:37,898 --> 00:14:41,150
or your accomplices,
Chidi Anagonye and Tahani Al-Jamil
317
00:14:41,235 --> 00:14:42,610
will go to the Bad Place in your stead.
318
00:14:42,903 --> 00:14:43,820
What?
- What?
319
00:14:43,904 --> 00:14:45,988
You have four hours. Goodbye.
320
00:14:46,448 --> 00:14:50,076
Your Honour, please,
Chidi and Tahani are completely innocent.
321
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:51,536
They are not completely innocent.
322
00:14:51,620 --> 00:14:52,912
They told me so themselves.
323
00:14:52,996 --> 00:14:56,916
They aided and abetted two criminals,
one of whom, was a DJ.
324
00:14:58,252 --> 00:15:00,670
They're gonna send Chidi and Tahani
to the Bad Place?
325
00:15:02,172 --> 00:15:04,298
We're off the hook. This is amazing!
326
00:15:04,383 --> 00:15:07,677
Babe, we are going to be trying
to make love all night long.
327
00:15:14,977 --> 00:15:17,395
We don't have to go back, though.
They just said.
328
00:15:17,479 --> 00:15:19,981
We can't let Tahani and Chidi
go to the Bad Place.
329
00:15:20,065 --> 00:15:21,190
They're our friends.
330
00:15:21,567 --> 00:15:23,651
We literally owe it to them.
331
00:15:23,735 --> 00:15:25,695
If they're really our friends,
332
00:15:25,779 --> 00:15:28,281
then why aren't they here with us right now?
333
00:15:28,365 --> 00:15:30,658
Because we ran away. Are you...?
334
00:15:31,535 --> 00:15:35,872
Does your brain work, actually?
Do you have a functioning head?
335
00:15:35,956 --> 00:15:37,290
MINDY:
I think he has a good point.
336
00:15:37,791 --> 00:15:39,250
I wouldn't go back for those turkeys.
337
00:15:39,334 --> 00:15:41,836
How can you say that?
- Think practically here.
338
00:15:42,212 --> 00:15:44,505
OK, you go back,
you turn yourself in
339
00:15:44,590 --> 00:15:47,300
you get sent to the Bad Place,
and you never see your friends again.
340
00:15:47,384 --> 00:15:50,887
Or you stay here,
you're safe from the Bad Place
341
00:15:51,138 --> 00:15:52,638
and you never see your friends again.
342
00:15:52,973 --> 00:15:53,848
It's the same results
343
00:15:54,099 --> 00:15:56,142
except if you stay here,
you don't get tortured.
344
00:15:56,226 --> 00:15:58,519
But they do.
- That's their problem.
345
00:15:58,937 --> 00:16:01,522
Your problem is whether you get tortured.
346
00:16:01,607 --> 00:16:03,399
Now if you'll excuse me...
347
00:16:04,193 --> 00:16:05,485
it's my masturbating time.
348
00:16:05,944 --> 00:16:07,904
When isn't it? We're going back.
349
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:09,697
But--
- ELEANOR: Now.
350
00:16:12,868 --> 00:16:14,494
ELEANOR:
Can we even make it there in time?
351
00:16:14,578 --> 00:16:16,704
I believe so, though it'll be close.
352
00:16:16,788 --> 00:16:18,122
Where's Jason?
- JASON: Heads up!
353
00:16:18,207 --> 00:16:19,957
Sorry, Eleanor,
but I can't let us leave.
354
00:16:20,584 --> 00:16:22,418
IN SLOW MOTION:
Bortles!
355
00:16:24,421 --> 00:16:25,505
No!
356
00:16:29,343 --> 00:16:31,010
What are you doing, you goon?
357
00:16:31,094 --> 00:16:32,303
Trying to blow up the train.
358
00:16:32,596 --> 00:16:34,805
Blowing stuff up
got me out of so many jams on Earth.
359
00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:37,058
Let me try again.
Do... Do you have another bottle?
360
00:16:38,852 --> 00:16:41,604
Hi there,
since there's no Janet here to serve you
361
00:16:41,688 --> 00:16:43,189
I brought you two a little treat.
362
00:16:43,482 --> 00:16:46,567
Ah, kind of like a last meal.
- Not like a last meal
363
00:16:47,152 --> 00:16:49,820
just, uh, the final food
you might ever eat.
364
00:16:51,865 --> 00:16:54,700
I'm gonna miss these little perks
when I'm down in the Bad Place
365
00:16:55,327 --> 00:16:56,410
being forced to wear a...
366
00:16:56,787 --> 00:16:59,372
A knock-off handbag and drink tap water.
367
00:17:00,499 --> 00:17:02,625
That's what you think hell is?
- Ugh.
368
00:17:03,460 --> 00:17:05,127
Janet, please, we have to go.
369
00:17:05,212 --> 00:17:07,505
I won't start the train
until my husband says it's OK.
370
00:17:08,173 --> 00:17:11,133
I'm sorry, Eleanor,
but I engaged a Ride or Die protocol
371
00:17:11,218 --> 00:17:13,094
so I'm loyal to Jason forever.
372
00:17:15,138 --> 00:17:16,180
Buddy...
373
00:17:17,558 --> 00:17:18,933
Come on, we gotta go.
374
00:17:19,810 --> 00:17:21,435
I don't wanna go to the Bad Place.
375
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,771
It's scary, like the movie Ratatouille.
376
00:17:23,855 --> 00:17:25,898
What?
- Yo, I ain't trying to have rats
377
00:17:25,983 --> 00:17:28,818
living in my hat and pulling my hair
to get me to do stuff.
378
00:17:30,153 --> 00:17:31,195
I'm scared too
379
00:17:32,155 --> 00:17:35,324
but we can't just abandon our friends
and let them take the fall for us.
380
00:17:35,409 --> 00:17:38,411
Sure we can.
It would be so easy to do that.
381
00:17:38,495 --> 00:17:40,496
We'd just go back to Mindy's house,
chill out...
382
00:17:40,581 --> 00:17:42,290
I'd get used to room-temperature beer.
383
00:17:42,374 --> 00:17:45,084
Me and Janet keep trying to solve
the problem of how to have sex
384
00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:46,752
which could take years.
385
00:17:47,296 --> 00:17:50,631
Let's just pretend that we didn't hear
the Janet walkie-talkie message.
386
00:17:53,051 --> 00:17:55,469
No. It's time to own up, dude.
387
00:17:55,554 --> 00:17:59,265
I spent my whole life acting like Mindy -
me first, no matter what
388
00:17:59,641 --> 00:18:01,684
and it literally took dying
389
00:18:01,935 --> 00:18:06,188
and being around a bunch of good people
to realise that I was kind of a nightmare.
390
00:18:06,523 --> 00:18:08,733
Why were you like that?
- ELEANOR: Well...
391
00:18:09,192 --> 00:18:11,819
let me tell you about
Doug and Donna Shellstrop.
392
00:18:11,903 --> 00:18:12,862
WHOOSH
393
00:18:12,946 --> 00:18:15,740
Hey, Dad, just a warning,
Mom's gonna be here in a second.
394
00:18:16,033 --> 00:18:19,327
Ugh, your mother's coming?
Oh, boy, hide the silverware.
395
00:18:19,411 --> 00:18:21,078
You mean the silverware
you stole from mom?
396
00:18:21,163 --> 00:18:23,039
Yeah, but she keeps trying
to steal it back.
397
00:18:23,415 --> 00:18:25,166
I drove here as fast as I could.
398
00:18:25,250 --> 00:18:27,460
You scored free WrestleMania tickets?
399
00:18:27,544 --> 00:18:28,502
There are no tickets, Mom.
400
00:18:28,587 --> 00:18:30,338
I knew that was the only way
I could get you here.
401
00:18:30,422 --> 00:18:32,006
A-ha! Burn.
402
00:18:32,257 --> 00:18:34,967
Eleanor, just because your father and I
are divorced
403
00:18:35,052 --> 00:18:37,345
does not mean
you can disrespect me like this, OK?
404
00:18:37,429 --> 00:18:38,846
We are a family.
405
00:18:39,765 --> 00:18:41,307
Whose birthday is it?
- Mine.
406
00:18:41,391 --> 00:18:43,351
DOUG:
Are you serious? No way!
407
00:18:43,727 --> 00:18:45,895
There was a B.S. foul on Chapman.
408
00:18:45,979 --> 00:18:47,772
And since you both forgot, again
409
00:18:47,856 --> 00:18:50,399
which means you definitely
didn't get me a present, again
410
00:18:50,692 --> 00:18:51,734
I got myself something.
411
00:18:51,818 --> 00:18:53,361
I just need you to sign it.
412
00:18:53,820 --> 00:18:56,447
Emancipation papers? Honey!
413
00:18:56,990 --> 00:18:58,741
What does "emancipation" mean?
414
00:18:58,825 --> 00:19:00,618
It means I'll be on my own.
415
00:19:00,702 --> 00:19:04,080
All my life, I've been taking care
of myself and you guys.
416
00:19:04,164 --> 00:19:06,832
I work two after-school jobs
because you blew half my college fund
417
00:19:06,917 --> 00:19:08,250
bailing your boyfriend out of jail.
418
00:19:08,335 --> 00:19:09,502
So irresponsible.
419
00:19:09,586 --> 00:19:11,796
And you blew the other half
trying to frame her boyfriend.
420
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,508
It was so stupid.
He was already guilty, dumbass.
421
00:19:15,676 --> 00:19:17,426
I've been on my own
for a while now anyway
422
00:19:17,761 --> 00:19:19,970
and after you sign these papers,
it'll be official.
423
00:19:20,263 --> 00:19:22,598
I won't owe you anything,
you won't owe me anything.
424
00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:25,851
Well, if you want me to sign...
Oh, that's a joint.
425
00:19:26,186 --> 00:19:27,978
Uh, do you have a pen... or a lighter?
426
00:19:29,606 --> 00:19:31,857
You're a really interesting person,
Eleanor.
427
00:19:32,317 --> 00:19:33,567
We should hang out sometime.
428
00:19:41,159 --> 00:19:43,285
Wow, your parents sucked.
429
00:19:43,620 --> 00:19:44,662
Yeah, they did
430
00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:47,456
and I've been using their crappy parenting
431
00:19:47,541 --> 00:19:50,000
as an excuse for my selfish behaviour
all my life.
432
00:19:51,253 --> 00:19:52,211
No more.
433
00:19:53,004 --> 00:19:54,213
We know what's right here.
434
00:19:54,756 --> 00:19:55,965
We have to go back.
435
00:20:01,096 --> 00:20:02,138
Ride or die.
436
00:20:03,390 --> 00:20:04,432
BEEPING
437
00:20:13,108 --> 00:20:15,901
Time is up. In preparation for your trip
to the Bad Place
438
00:20:15,986 --> 00:20:17,236
please put on these fedoras.
439
00:20:17,571 --> 00:20:18,904
Oh no.
440
00:20:19,281 --> 00:20:21,699
Well, no use delaying the inevitable.
441
00:20:22,909 --> 00:20:23,951
We surrender.
442
00:20:24,578 --> 00:20:25,453
Together.
443
00:20:26,204 --> 00:20:28,748
Chidi, Tahani,
we're back to save your souls!
444
00:20:31,918 --> 00:20:33,252
Real weird vibe in here.
445
00:20:34,463 --> 00:20:36,255
Was definitely expecting some applause.
446
00:20:36,923 --> 00:20:39,675
You're too late.
You... You missed the cut-off.
447
00:20:40,302 --> 00:20:41,343
But we're here.
448
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,013
We came here as fast as we could,
and we're here.
449
00:20:44,097 --> 00:20:45,139
So...
450
00:20:46,475 --> 00:20:47,516
now what?
451
00:20:51,521 --> 00:20:53,647
What is the most logical decision?
452
00:20:54,900 --> 00:20:55,983
I made my initial ruling.
453
00:20:56,318 --> 00:20:58,778
I established a deadline.
The deadline was missed.
454
00:20:58,862 --> 00:21:00,613
Now the original perpetrators are here.
455
00:21:00,822 --> 00:21:03,032
Ugh, this is exhausting.
456
00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:05,868
I just want to go back
to my container of goo and go to sleep.
457
00:21:06,453 --> 00:21:08,037
The Bad Place is owed two people.
458
00:21:08,413 --> 00:21:11,123
In my opinion,
which is an objective fact in this case
459
00:21:11,208 --> 00:21:12,583
and all cases always and forever
460
00:21:12,667 --> 00:21:15,544
you have all done bad things
since you arrived here.
461
00:21:15,962 --> 00:21:17,838
Therefore, I don't care
which two of you go.
462
00:21:18,131 --> 00:21:19,173
You can decide.
463
00:21:19,424 --> 00:21:20,466
You have 30 minutes.
464
00:21:21,009 --> 00:21:24,804
BEEPING, DRAMATIC MUSIC