1
00:00:01,606 --> 00:00:04,775
Now, I'm about to show you
some very sensitive information

2
00:00:05,068 --> 00:00:07,778
the final point totals
each of you achieved

3
00:00:07,862 --> 00:00:09,363
for all your actions on Earth.

4
00:00:12,283 --> 00:00:14,618
Whoa. Your point total
was crazy high, Eleanor.

5
00:00:14,702 --> 00:00:16,119
ELEANOR LAUGHS
- Oh, sorry.

6
00:00:16,746 --> 00:00:18,997
Crazy High Eleanor
was my nickname in college.

7
00:00:19,082 --> 00:00:22,626
I accidentally saw these point totals
when Michael was fixing a sinkhole.

8
00:00:23,002 --> 00:00:24,253
It gave me an idea.

9
00:00:24,671 --> 00:00:27,339
We will apply the formula
to Eleanor's actions here

10
00:00:27,423 --> 00:00:30,133
in the Good Place,
and if you earn enough new points

11
00:00:30,218 --> 00:00:32,010
then we could argue
that you should stay here.

12
00:00:32,095 --> 00:00:33,554
Would that work?
- MICHAEL: Don't know.

13
00:00:33,638 --> 00:00:37,015
Never had to prove someone
belonged here before.

14
00:00:37,308 --> 00:00:40,852
But the judge will be here soon,
and this is the best way to build our case.

15
00:00:41,229 --> 00:00:45,023
Eleanor, I made you this points tracker
last night.

16
00:00:45,108 --> 00:00:48,443
It will calculate the moral value
of everything you do here.

17
00:00:48,528 --> 00:00:51,029
It's kind of a Fitbit for your soul.

18
00:00:51,114 --> 00:00:52,447
Oh, I used to have a Fitbit.

19
00:00:53,491 --> 00:00:56,535
But I guess now I can't cheat
by taping it to the desk fan.

20
00:00:56,619 --> 00:01:00,414
You took credit
for the fitness achievements of a desk fan?

21
00:01:00,498 --> 00:01:03,208
I only did it to stick it
to my stupid friend Jen

22
00:01:03,293 --> 00:01:05,127
who said there was no way I'd ever use it.

23
00:01:05,211 --> 00:01:06,461
Oh. You showed her.

24
00:01:06,546 --> 00:01:11,675
Now, the average point total
for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million.

25
00:01:11,759 --> 00:01:14,636
Right now, based on everything
that you did on Earth

26
00:01:15,054 --> 00:01:18,098
you have negative 4,008.

27
00:01:18,182 --> 00:01:20,058
That's not great...

28
00:01:20,935 --> 00:01:24,521
but I'm gonna do nice things
for every goober in this place

29
00:01:24,606 --> 00:01:28,859
until my point total is so high
I can rub it in all their smug faces.

30
00:01:28,943 --> 00:01:30,694
BEEP
- You just lost five points.

31
00:01:39,370 --> 00:01:41,455
Hello! Hi, how are you?

32
00:01:43,333 --> 00:01:46,710
There has to be something bigger I can do
than holding the door and waving.

33
00:01:46,794 --> 00:01:49,630
There's no way every Walmart greeter
is in the Good Place.

34
00:01:50,506 --> 00:01:51,548
Wal... mart?

35
00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:54,468
It's a place regular people go.
You haven't heard of it.

36
00:01:54,552 --> 00:01:55,802
Look, I know this is tedious

37
00:01:55,887 --> 00:01:57,512
but holding a door for someone
is three points.

38
00:01:57,597 --> 00:01:59,222
If you do it for everyone
in the neighbourhood

39
00:01:59,307 --> 00:02:02,017
then that's almost a thousand points
for just a start.

40
00:02:02,101 --> 00:02:05,354
Besides, all the big-ticket items
are impossible, I'm afraid.

41
00:02:05,438 --> 00:02:08,315
It's not as if you could, you know,
"sacrifice your life to save others"

42
00:02:08,399 --> 00:02:10,567
or "change the consciousness of a nation".

43
00:02:11,778 --> 00:02:13,737
Both of which I did, by the way. Such fun.

44
00:02:14,155 --> 00:02:15,405
Have a wonderful day.

45
00:02:16,699 --> 00:02:18,075
This is pointless.

46
00:02:18,743 --> 00:02:22,454
The ticker isn't even going up,
and everyone's giving me the stink eye.

47
00:02:23,498 --> 00:02:26,333
Eleanor, everyone hates you.

48
00:02:26,918 --> 00:02:28,043
Well, fork you too.

49
00:02:28,127 --> 00:02:29,378
No, this is good.

50
00:02:29,712 --> 00:02:32,089
Now that we know,
we can actually do something about it.

51
00:02:32,507 --> 00:02:35,467
And I am an expert at mediating conflict

52
00:02:35,551 --> 00:02:37,844
like when my friends
Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby

53
00:02:37,929 --> 00:02:40,639
had an issue with my other friend,
Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

54
00:02:42,058 --> 00:02:45,936
Yeah, I don't know what I love more
about our morning hard boiled egg routine

55
00:02:46,062 --> 00:02:47,688
the eggs or the routine.

56
00:02:48,106 --> 00:02:50,941
Oh, sorry. You know, I was thinking
this morning I'd have oatmeal.

57
00:02:51,818 --> 00:02:53,235
Just kidding. Of course it's eggs.

58
00:02:55,029 --> 00:02:58,615
Um, actually, this morning,
there's a little surprise in yours.

59
00:03:05,581 --> 00:03:07,290
"I love you." How cute.

60
00:03:08,626 --> 00:03:10,168
I love you too, egg.

61
00:03:11,003 --> 00:03:14,715
Oh, no, no, Chidi.
That... That's me saying that to you.

62
00:03:15,466 --> 00:03:16,341
I love you.

63
00:03:19,053 --> 00:03:21,888
HIS VOICE WAVERS:
Oh.

64
00:03:23,099 --> 00:03:26,727
Well, that is... something.

65
00:03:26,811 --> 00:03:29,646
I know you've gone through a lot,
and now I'm throwing this at you

66
00:03:29,731 --> 00:03:32,149
but I just... I had to tell you how I feel.

67
00:03:33,025 --> 00:03:35,736
I love you. No need to respond.
- Great.

68
00:03:36,154 --> 00:03:39,239
Well, at some point, you'll respond, right?

69
00:03:39,657 --> 00:03:40,532
I just meant no rush.

70
00:03:42,243 --> 00:03:43,660
You wanna talk about eggs again?

71
00:03:54,255 --> 00:03:55,964
Hm, this isn't right.

72
00:03:56,048 --> 00:03:58,300
I'm sorry.
I've never kissed anyone before.

73
00:03:58,885 --> 00:04:01,219
Is one tongue OK? I can add more tongues.

74
00:04:01,304 --> 00:04:02,179
No, that's not it.

75
00:04:02,889 --> 00:04:05,515
We're married now,
but we still haven't told your dad.

76
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:09,019
Once again, Michael is not my dad,
and we shouldn't tell him.

77
00:04:09,187 --> 00:04:10,771
If Michael finds out that we're married

78
00:04:10,855 --> 00:04:12,939
then he'll know
you're not Tahani's soul mate

79
00:04:13,024 --> 00:04:15,859
and then he'll know that you're
really Jason and not Jianyu.

80
00:04:16,569 --> 00:04:17,944
He'd send you to the Bad Place.

81
00:04:18,488 --> 00:04:20,113
Hm, I don't want to lose you, girl...

82
00:04:20,198 --> 00:04:23,158
I'm not a girl.
- ...but also, I'm tired of living a lie.

83
00:04:23,242 --> 00:04:24,284
We gotta go public.

84
00:04:24,368 --> 00:04:27,829
I hate all this hiding,
kissing inside like losers.

85
00:04:27,914 --> 00:04:34,503
I wish we were in Florida, kissing outside,
near a swamp with some old tyres in it

86
00:04:35,671 --> 00:04:38,840
watching a flamingo trying to mate
with somebody's old gun.

87
00:04:39,675 --> 00:04:41,593
I want us to have the life we deserve.

88
00:04:42,094 --> 00:04:43,136
WHOOSH

89
00:04:45,056 --> 00:04:46,765
Pillboi, let's talk big picture.

90
00:04:46,849 --> 00:04:48,141
You know I love Jacksonville.

91
00:04:48,226 --> 00:04:49,267
J-town.

92
00:04:50,102 --> 00:04:53,355
It's easily one of the top ten swamp cities
in north-eastern Florida

93
00:04:53,773 --> 00:04:57,484
but if we're gonna make it in the DJ game,
we gotta get to Miami.

94
00:04:57,777 --> 00:05:01,780
Yeah, but Miami's expensive.
We just don't got that skrilla, B.

95
00:05:02,198 --> 00:05:03,949
I mean, I got ten bucks to my name

96
00:05:04,033 --> 00:05:07,035
and I spent eight of it on this burrito
and the other two on guac.

97
00:05:07,787 --> 00:05:08,829
I know what we gotta do.

98
00:05:10,414 --> 00:05:12,249
We're gonna rob this restaurant.

99
00:05:12,333 --> 00:05:14,960
Great idea! But what if we get caught?

100
00:05:15,044 --> 00:05:19,047
We'll just get married
so that no one can testify against us.

101
00:05:19,131 --> 00:05:20,048
Dope.

102
00:05:20,842 --> 00:05:21,842
Yo.

103
00:05:22,260 --> 00:05:23,760
I got diarrhoea. I'll be right back.

104
00:05:24,053 --> 00:05:25,804
Me too. I'll race you.

105
00:05:26,681 --> 00:05:27,806
BOTH SHOUT:
Best friends!

106
00:05:28,307 --> 00:05:31,560
TAHANI: Thank you all for participating
in our focus group for Fake Eleanor.

107
00:05:31,644 --> 00:05:33,186
Think of this as an open forum

108
00:05:33,271 --> 00:05:36,439
for you to air any and all grievances
that you may carry against her.

109
00:05:36,732 --> 00:05:40,569
I was flying on the second day,
and when you caused the trash storm

110
00:05:40,653 --> 00:05:43,822
I crashed into a rotting turkey carcass,
and it exploded.

111
00:05:43,906 --> 00:05:45,991
Oh, dear.
- All this cartilage and bone

112
00:05:46,075 --> 00:05:47,325
got tangled up in my hair

113
00:05:47,410 --> 00:05:51,580
and its beak got smashed against my nose
and its skin was all over my skin.

114
00:05:52,623 --> 00:05:55,000
I didn't know where I ended
and the turkey carcass began.

115
00:05:56,085 --> 00:05:59,296
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
your skin looks amazing.

116
00:06:00,256 --> 00:06:02,340
My café got destroyed by the giant frog.

117
00:06:02,633 --> 00:06:04,885
Then I reopened it
and it fell into the sinkhole.

118
00:06:05,761 --> 00:06:07,596
Just like me. I fell in too.

119
00:06:07,847 --> 00:06:09,431
Who else feels that Eleanor has ruined

120
00:06:09,515 --> 00:06:11,349
every moment of your existence
since you arrived?

121
00:06:12,810 --> 00:06:13,852
Excellent.

122
00:06:13,936 --> 00:06:16,104
I must confer with Eleanor for a tick

123
00:06:16,188 --> 00:06:18,481
so please, just, uh,
enjoy the lemonade and cookies.

124
00:06:20,318 --> 00:06:22,819
Seems everyone's problem with me is me.

125
00:06:23,321 --> 00:06:24,613
Yes, it would appear that way.

126
00:06:25,156 --> 00:06:27,365
The last moment they were happy
was at my party.

127
00:06:28,534 --> 00:06:29,659
I've seen this before.

128
00:06:30,161 --> 00:06:32,913
After one of my events,
there's a real endorphin crash.

129
00:06:34,540 --> 00:06:35,957
We have to recreate that party.

130
00:06:36,584 --> 00:06:40,170
We have to take them back to that night
before I started affecting the neighbourhood

131
00:06:40,254 --> 00:06:41,713
and give them a fresh start.

132
00:06:41,797 --> 00:06:45,717
Yes, of course.
We must throw the perfect party

133
00:06:45,801 --> 00:06:47,886
or else you'll be tortured
by demons forever.

134
00:06:48,346 --> 00:06:50,931
This will be the fourth most important party
I have ever thrown.

135
00:06:53,517 --> 00:06:54,726
MICHAEL:
Janet, there you are.

136
00:06:55,144 --> 00:06:57,938
Some residents are complaining
that you're not responding to...

137
00:06:59,065 --> 00:07:00,482
I'm sorry, what's going on?

138
00:07:00,775 --> 00:07:02,275
Is that a... A wedding ring?

139
00:07:02,652 --> 00:07:04,819
Yes. I'm married.

140
00:07:06,572 --> 00:07:07,447
To whom?

141
00:07:07,531 --> 00:07:11,576
Sorry, my protocol forbids me
from telling you any private information

142
00:07:11,661 --> 00:07:13,036
about any resident.

143
00:07:14,705 --> 00:07:16,206
Is it that person?

144
00:07:16,290 --> 00:07:20,418
Jianyu, the man standing right there
also wearing a wedding band?

145
00:07:21,545 --> 00:07:22,921
Dad...

146
00:07:23,381 --> 00:07:24,464
we need to talk.

147
00:07:30,346 --> 00:07:32,472
I just want to make sure
that I have this right. Um...

148
00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:39,604
Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk
but rather someone named Jason Mendoza

149
00:07:39,689 --> 00:07:42,941
a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida...

150
00:07:43,025 --> 00:07:46,695
I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.

151
00:07:46,904 --> 00:07:49,572
...and you two are married?

152
00:07:49,657 --> 00:07:51,825
Hells yeah, homie. We love each other.

153
00:07:52,535 --> 00:07:54,160
Just like Romeo and Juliet.

154
00:07:54,245 --> 00:07:57,497
Romeo was the name of my dog
and Juliet was the name of my Roomba.

155
00:07:58,290 --> 00:07:59,457
She is my everything.

156
00:07:59,917 --> 00:08:03,336
She makes the bass drop... in my heart.

157
00:08:03,421 --> 00:08:07,424
And Jason is a person who was near me,
and then he asked me to marry him

158
00:08:07,758 --> 00:08:09,634
and there is nothing in my protocol

159
00:08:09,719 --> 00:08:11,553
that specifically barred that
from happening...

160
00:08:12,555 --> 00:08:14,180
so I agreed.
- Love you too, babe.

161
00:08:19,186 --> 00:08:20,228
Janet...

162
00:08:20,938 --> 00:08:22,647
please tell me how this could have happened.

163
00:08:22,732 --> 00:08:23,606
Unclear.

164
00:08:23,691 --> 00:08:27,444
As you know, each time I am updated,
I accrue new knowledge and abilities.

165
00:08:27,778 --> 00:08:30,071
My suspicion is that when I was rebooted

166
00:08:30,364 --> 00:08:33,867
I bonded with Jason in a way
that I have never bonded with anyone before.

167
00:08:34,326 --> 00:08:36,870
I seem to have gained
a new understanding of love.

168
00:08:37,204 --> 00:08:39,205
I also learned how to do this.

169
00:08:43,127 --> 00:08:45,253
I will speak to you later. Go to your void.

170
00:08:45,337 --> 00:08:46,588
OK.
- DING

171
00:08:46,672 --> 00:08:47,756
No, Janet, come back!
- DING

172
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:48,882
Hi there.
- Go!

173
00:08:48,966 --> 00:08:49,799
Sure thing.
- DING

174
00:08:49,884 --> 00:08:51,301
No!
- Stop doing that.

175
00:08:51,385 --> 00:08:52,135
DING
- Me?

176
00:08:52,219 --> 00:08:53,303
MICHAEL: Go!
- Good-bye.

177
00:08:53,387 --> 00:08:55,305
Janet, come back.
- I love you.

178
00:08:55,556 --> 00:08:56,598
JASON:
I love you too.

179
00:08:58,809 --> 00:09:00,060
That is Sachveer

180
00:09:00,644 --> 00:09:05,732
and his problem with me is...
Oh, one of the giraffes tried to hump him.

181
00:09:05,816 --> 00:09:06,941
SHE SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER

182
00:09:07,026 --> 00:09:09,319
It's gonna be hard to keep
a straight face tonight

183
00:09:09,528 --> 00:09:12,197
but then I remember
I could be tortured for all of eternity

184
00:09:12,281 --> 00:09:13,948
and that is pretty sobering.

185
00:09:15,201 --> 00:09:16,743
Hey, can I ask your advice on something?

186
00:09:17,870 --> 00:09:18,912
Are you sure, dude?

187
00:09:18,996 --> 00:09:21,414
Isn't there someone else better
you could ask

188
00:09:21,499 --> 00:09:23,875
like literally anyone else?

189
00:09:23,959 --> 00:09:27,128
Well, it's a sensitive matter, and you...
You do know me pretty well.

190
00:09:27,421 --> 00:09:30,632
Now I understand that our relationship
has gotten more complicated recently

191
00:09:30,716 --> 00:09:32,133
due to your feelings being expressed--

192
00:09:32,218 --> 00:09:34,761
Dude, if you do the "Chidi" thing

193
00:09:34,845 --> 00:09:37,972
where you have to re-explain
the entire world before asking a question

194
00:09:38,057 --> 00:09:39,849
we are both going to grow old
and die again.

195
00:09:40,184 --> 00:09:41,059
Out with it.

196
00:09:41,435 --> 00:09:43,686
See? Yes. You do know me pretty well.

197
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:45,563
Er, so, here it is:

198
00:09:46,357 --> 00:09:48,274
Real Eleanor said she loves me.

199
00:09:48,943 --> 00:09:51,569
Hey, man, nice pull. She's a great person.

200
00:09:51,654 --> 00:09:52,695
I don't know what to do.

201
00:09:52,905 --> 00:09:56,741
I mean, we are soul mates,
so I probably do love her

202
00:09:56,826 --> 00:09:59,911
but then again,
how do I know if my motivation is correct?

203
00:09:59,995 --> 00:10:01,663
Maybe I think I'm supposed to love her

204
00:10:01,747 --> 00:10:03,581
but if I tell her that I love her
for the wrong reasons

205
00:10:03,666 --> 00:10:04,624
it won't mean anything.

206
00:10:04,708 --> 00:10:06,167
You have a tendency
to overthink things.

207
00:10:07,044 --> 00:10:10,380
Turn off that giant brain,
and just say you love her too.

208
00:10:11,215 --> 00:10:13,508
You think?
- If this were some random person

209
00:10:13,592 --> 00:10:15,885
you hooked up with at a Diamondbacks game
in the parking lot

210
00:10:15,970 --> 00:10:18,596
behind the Porta Potties -
not based on a real example -

211
00:10:18,681 --> 00:10:20,390
I would say keep mulling

212
00:10:20,933 --> 00:10:22,976
but, this is your soul mate.

213
00:10:23,561 --> 00:10:24,853
She's universe-approved.

214
00:10:26,438 --> 00:10:28,189
Tell her you love her.

215
00:10:28,274 --> 00:10:30,942
BEEP
- Hey, your score just went up 20 points.

216
00:10:31,026 --> 00:10:32,527
Yeah, 'cos I give great advice.

217
00:10:33,195 --> 00:10:35,864
Now maybe you'll finally listen to me
and take off those glasses.

218
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,450
We are in the afterlife, dummy,
nature's Lasik.

219
00:10:43,038 --> 00:10:45,456
OK, I think I figured this out.

220
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:48,585
There is a real Jianyu

221
00:10:48,669 --> 00:10:52,297
a Taiwanese monk who took an oath of silence
at the age of eight.

222
00:10:52,798 --> 00:10:57,177
But, three months ago,
he went into such a deep meditative state

223
00:10:57,261 --> 00:10:59,345
that he registered as dead

224
00:10:59,430 --> 00:11:02,390
and when you died
at that exact same moment

225
00:11:02,474 --> 00:11:04,517
our system mistook you for him -

226
00:11:05,019 --> 00:11:08,062
perhaps because you share
the exact same IQ.

227
00:11:08,439 --> 00:11:10,273
Cool.
- No, not cool.

228
00:11:10,357 --> 00:11:12,483
He stopped learning at the age of seven.

229
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:14,235
OK...

230
00:11:14,737 --> 00:11:17,906
so, now, this is sort of
a quick litmus test

231
00:11:17,990 --> 00:11:22,493
basic questions designed to tell
whether you are fundamentally good or bad.

232
00:11:23,037 --> 00:11:25,997
Number one:
Did you ever commit a serious crime?

233
00:11:26,081 --> 00:11:29,667
Yes, I blew up a guy's speedboat
after he sued me.

234
00:11:29,752 --> 00:11:30,627
DING

235
00:11:30,711 --> 00:11:33,171
And I stole an old lady's fake leg once
on a dare.

236
00:11:33,255 --> 00:11:34,297
DING

237
00:11:35,466 --> 00:11:37,717
Did you ever have
a personalised license plate?

238
00:11:37,801 --> 00:11:39,510
Yeah, dawg, "I LOVE BUTTS".

239
00:11:39,595 --> 00:11:40,803
DING

240
00:11:41,013 --> 00:11:42,513
Have... Have you ever paid money

241
00:11:42,598 --> 00:11:45,934
to hear music
performed by California funk rock band

242
00:11:46,018 --> 00:11:47,435
the Red Hot Chili Peppers?

243
00:11:47,519 --> 00:11:50,521
Yo, the Chilis?
I saw them in concert like 50 times.

244
00:11:50,606 --> 00:11:52,315
DING
- JASON: I once got arrested trying to steal

245
00:11:52,399 --> 00:11:53,524
Flea's bass guitar.

246
00:11:53,609 --> 00:11:54,651
DING

247
00:11:54,735 --> 00:11:57,237
Oh, that was another serious crime
I committed.

248
00:11:57,321 --> 00:11:59,239
I should have mentioned that earlier.
- DING

249
00:11:59,323 --> 00:12:03,409
Is it just me, or am I acing this test?

250
00:12:03,494 --> 00:12:04,535
Oh, this is bad.

251
00:12:05,788 --> 00:12:07,080
Oh, this is so, so bad.

252
00:12:07,873 --> 00:12:10,708
Oh, I thought I had everything under control
when I found Eleanor

253
00:12:10,793 --> 00:12:12,210
but somehow you are...

254
00:12:12,753 --> 00:12:13,711
you're so much worse...

255
00:12:14,046 --> 00:12:15,672
No, don't... Don't touch... Ah.

256
00:12:16,757 --> 00:12:17,799
Oh.

257
00:12:19,051 --> 00:12:20,635
How does that still work?

258
00:12:20,719 --> 00:12:24,222
Look, I know you're freaking out
but you're Janet's father

259
00:12:24,807 --> 00:12:27,100
and like it or not, we're family.

260
00:12:27,184 --> 00:12:28,768
Everything's gonna be fine, homie.

261
00:12:29,478 --> 00:12:30,520
I promise.

262
00:12:30,688 --> 00:12:31,729
WHOOSH

263
00:12:32,439 --> 00:12:34,482
I don't know, B.
What if it doesn't work?

264
00:12:34,566 --> 00:12:38,736
Hey, we thought of everything
except for an alibi and an escape route

265
00:12:38,821 --> 00:12:40,363
but we'll figure it out as we go.

266
00:12:40,572 --> 00:12:43,074
You don't wanna overthink these things.
- I'm kinda freaking out here.

267
00:12:43,409 --> 00:12:44,909
Pillboi, I got you.

268
00:12:45,411 --> 00:12:47,036
This plan is foolproof.

269
00:12:47,454 --> 00:12:50,290
And when it's over,
we can finally have the lives we deserve.

270
00:12:57,798 --> 00:12:59,257
IN ITALIAN ACCENT:
<i>DiGiorno!</i>

271
00:12:59,341 --> 00:13:03,636
I am a safe installer,
here to install-a da safe.

272
00:13:04,138 --> 00:13:07,598
So just a-point
to where the guacamole money is

273
00:13:07,683 --> 00:13:13,271
and I'll-a install-a da safe-a in da,
how you say...? A-place.

274
00:13:13,355 --> 00:13:14,397
SHE DIALS NUMBERS

275
00:13:15,649 --> 00:13:17,275
Yeah, hi, we're being robbed.

276
00:13:18,777 --> 00:13:20,903
PILLBOI:
No... J, they're on to us, man.

277
00:13:20,988 --> 00:13:23,865
His hat's a golf ball,
and he's a got a terrible moustache.

278
00:13:23,949 --> 00:13:25,241
PILLBOI:
We need to get married now.

279
00:13:25,826 --> 00:13:28,286
I do, for, uh, always and forever.

280
00:13:29,079 --> 00:13:30,288
HE SHOUTS:
I do!

281
00:13:31,623 --> 00:13:32,749
Lighting's nice.

282
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,044
The cocktail shrimp are sitting in a bowl
instead of flying through the sky.

283
00:13:36,128 --> 00:13:40,089
So far so good. And this music is banging.

284
00:13:41,050 --> 00:13:43,551
Good Place. Good Place. Good Place...
- Oh, right. Sorry.

285
00:13:44,261 --> 00:13:49,057
So, uh... Did you... do that thing
that we talked about?

286
00:13:49,141 --> 00:13:51,476
I'll get to it as soon as I finish my drink.

287
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:53,519
That is what you said an hour ago.
- I know.

288
00:13:53,812 --> 00:13:56,898
Here's my secret: I keep refilling my drink
before I'm finished.

289
00:13:58,317 --> 00:14:00,777
Loop hole.
- Respect. Loop holes rule.

290
00:14:00,861 --> 00:14:02,528
Hey. Great party, Eleanor.

291
00:14:02,613 --> 00:14:03,654
Thank you.

292
00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:07,283
They probably didn't have many parties
in the Bad Place, huh?

293
00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:09,619
Actually, we had a party every day.

294
00:14:09,703 --> 00:14:12,038
It's what they called it
when they pulled you apart with ropes.

295
00:14:12,122 --> 00:14:16,167
Oh, a part-y. Ha. I get it. That's funny.

296
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,294
You probably didn't think so.

297
00:14:19,421 --> 00:14:21,839
OK. I'm gonna leave you two alone.

298
00:14:26,929 --> 00:14:31,849
So, um, have you given any more thought...
to what I said?

299
00:14:31,934 --> 00:14:34,685
Yep. I have a timetable to say...

300
00:14:36,230 --> 00:14:38,022
what you want me to say.
I have a whole plan.

301
00:14:38,357 --> 00:14:39,399
I understand.

302
00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:42,777
I'll wait for your answer,
even if it takes until the end of time

303
00:14:43,904 --> 00:14:47,615
which, I guess, it could
since that's how long we'll be here.

304
00:14:50,828 --> 00:14:52,286
UPBEAT MUSIC:
♪ Living it up ♪

305
00:14:53,247 --> 00:14:54,288
♪ Living it up ♪

306
00:14:55,624 --> 00:14:56,666
♪ Living it up... ♪

307
00:14:58,293 --> 00:14:59,335
You OK, Dad?

308
00:14:59,837 --> 00:15:01,712
You look like you took
a bad dose of Molly.

309
00:15:01,797 --> 00:15:04,882
And I should know.
I sold fake Molly to a lot of people.

310
00:15:05,175 --> 00:15:08,428
Oh, that was another serious crime
I committed.

311
00:15:08,804 --> 00:15:09,804
DING
- Hello, Michael.

312
00:15:10,139 --> 00:15:12,306
I'd like to inform you
that Shawn, the judge

313
00:15:12,391 --> 00:15:13,766
will be arriving tomorrow morning.

314
00:15:13,851 --> 00:15:14,809
Thank you, Janet.

315
00:15:16,019 --> 00:15:17,061
DING

316
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:19,480
Jason...

317
00:15:20,274 --> 00:15:21,983
I have to attend Eleanor's party

318
00:15:22,568 --> 00:15:25,319
so, I'm going to leave you here,
in this locked room.

319
00:15:25,821 --> 00:15:27,405
I'm in jail?
- No, no, no, no.

320
00:15:28,615 --> 00:15:31,284
This is the Good Place.
We don't put people in jail.

321
00:15:31,869 --> 00:15:33,953
It's just a room where you have been put

322
00:15:34,663 --> 00:15:37,915
in the interests of public safety,
as a form of punishment

323
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,084
and from which there is no exit.

324
00:15:40,502 --> 00:15:42,628
OK? Bye.

325
00:15:49,011 --> 00:15:53,014
Eleanor, for an utter novice,
you have thrown a lovely party.

326
00:15:53,098 --> 00:15:55,808
Well, thanks, but it's not working.

327
00:15:56,435 --> 00:15:57,810
Not one more point.

328
00:15:58,729 --> 00:15:59,604
What the fork?

329
00:16:00,439 --> 00:16:02,607
TAHANI:
Oh, look, Michael's here. He can help.

330
00:16:03,025 --> 00:16:06,861
Michael, would you do us the honour
of saying a few words?

331
00:16:07,154 --> 00:16:09,363
I don't know
that I'm in the right frame of mind.

332
00:16:09,448 --> 00:16:10,907
Please, they'll listen to you.

333
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,700
Just pay me a few compliments.

334
00:16:12,784 --> 00:16:16,245
You know, I'm great, heart of a champion,
basically your muse, you get it.

335
00:16:18,832 --> 00:16:19,874
Attention, everyone.

336
00:16:19,958 --> 00:16:22,126
Michael would like to say a few words.

337
00:16:22,836 --> 00:16:24,921
Hello, everyone.
Good to see you all here

338
00:16:26,048 --> 00:16:29,967
mingling around with
your various secrets.

339
00:16:31,178 --> 00:16:33,763
Who really knows which of you
are who you say you are?

340
00:16:34,389 --> 00:16:37,308
No way to know
unless I pull your skeletons out, right?

341
00:16:37,643 --> 00:16:38,684
OK...

342
00:16:39,895 --> 00:16:40,937
Take her easy.

343
00:16:42,564 --> 00:16:43,439
TAHANI:
Yes...

344
00:16:44,316 --> 00:16:48,653
Well said. Now, we shall hear
from tonight's featured guest.

345
00:16:48,737 --> 00:16:51,572
She's kind. She's humble

346
00:16:51,990 --> 00:16:54,659
She's the Walmart of friends...

347
00:16:55,035 --> 00:16:55,993
Did I use that word right?

348
00:16:57,329 --> 00:16:58,287
...Eleanor Shellstrop.

349
00:17:00,999 --> 00:17:03,125
Hi, everyone, I'm Eleanor.

350
00:17:03,210 --> 00:17:06,712
Uh... original flavour,
not new and improved.

351
00:17:07,589 --> 00:17:10,800
I know a lot of bad stuff
has happened because of me

352
00:17:10,884 --> 00:17:13,678
but I never meant to hurt you

353
00:17:13,762 --> 00:17:15,763
so if I caused you any harm

354
00:17:16,473 --> 00:17:18,266
I'm truly sorry.

355
00:17:18,350 --> 00:17:22,311
That's nice, Eleanor,
but I still crashed into a turkey carcass.

356
00:17:22,396 --> 00:17:23,604
And I fell into a sinkhole.

357
00:17:23,689 --> 00:17:25,273
And my dog got kicked into the sun.

358
00:17:25,607 --> 00:17:28,526
What can you possibly say to us
that'll make up for your actions?

359
00:17:30,487 --> 00:17:31,737
<i>Pobody's nerfect?</i>

360
00:17:31,822 --> 00:17:33,531
SILENCE

361
00:17:33,615 --> 00:17:35,366
SPARSE LAUGHTER

362
00:17:36,118 --> 00:17:38,286
LAUGHTER SPREADS

363
00:17:38,370 --> 00:17:41,247
"Pobody's nerfect"? That's hilarious.

364
00:17:41,331 --> 00:17:44,792
Like "nobody's perfect"
with the letters switched.

365
00:17:44,876 --> 00:17:46,877
That's very funny.
<i>- It's nerfect!</i>

366
00:17:53,510 --> 00:17:55,052
Great party, Eleanor.

367
00:17:55,554 --> 00:18:00,016
I hope you get to stay,
<i>or should I say, pobody's nerfect!</i>

368
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:03,227
That doesn't really... apply here.

369
00:18:04,271 --> 00:18:07,356
<i>Well, pobody's nerfect!</i>
- Nailed it.

370
00:18:08,650 --> 00:18:10,860
Eleanor, great job tonight.

371
00:18:11,111 --> 00:18:12,695
Have you checked the, uh, the ticker?

372
00:18:12,779 --> 00:18:14,780
I could really use some good news.
- ELEANOR: OK.

373
00:18:16,950 --> 00:18:19,452
Oh, come on!

374
00:18:19,536 --> 00:18:21,746
Well, the nightmare continues.

375
00:18:22,956 --> 00:18:24,373
The nightmare continues.

376
00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:26,667
How did this not work?

377
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,007
There's no way to increase my point total

378
00:18:33,383 --> 00:18:37,762
because everything I'm doing
is out of self-preservation.

379
00:18:37,846 --> 00:18:40,931
I don't understand.
- My motivation is corrupt.

380
00:18:41,016 --> 00:18:42,224
Even when I do nice things

381
00:18:42,309 --> 00:18:44,852
I'm only doing them,
so I can get something out of it -

382
00:18:45,103 --> 00:18:46,395
the ability to stay here

383
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,649
which means none of this
had any real moral value.

384
00:18:49,733 --> 00:18:51,150
It doesn't count.

385
00:18:53,070 --> 00:18:54,111
MURMURS:
Holy shirt.

386
00:18:55,614 --> 00:18:57,031
I know what I have to do.

387
00:19:00,952 --> 00:19:02,662
OK, I am almost done

388
00:19:02,746 --> 00:19:05,456
with these personalised "I'm sorry" notes
to everyone in the neighbourhood.

389
00:19:05,540 --> 00:19:07,708
I need you guys to deliver
everyone their notes

390
00:19:07,793 --> 00:19:09,043
along with those T-shirts.

391
00:19:11,546 --> 00:19:15,466
Well, granted, these are hilarious,
but how is this going to help?

392
00:19:15,550 --> 00:19:16,425
Just trust me.

393
00:19:17,594 --> 00:19:19,053
I'm gonna get the points.

394
00:19:24,351 --> 00:19:27,019
Oh, good morning, Dad. Where you been?

395
00:19:27,104 --> 00:19:29,814
Oh, just walking around,
contemplating my failure

396
00:19:30,691 --> 00:19:34,026
wishing for the sweet release
of eternal extinction.

397
00:19:34,319 --> 00:19:36,070
Cool. Hey...

398
00:19:36,697 --> 00:19:38,447
um, why don't you want me to see Janet?

399
00:19:39,199 --> 00:19:42,743
I'm a good guy. All I want
is to give Janet the life she deserves.

400
00:19:42,828 --> 00:19:45,663
Janet is not built for human life

401
00:19:46,456 --> 00:19:49,041
and I'm not sure you're much of a provider.

402
00:19:50,043 --> 00:19:52,044
Do you even remember how you died?

403
00:19:52,129 --> 00:19:53,963
No, not really.

404
00:19:54,047 --> 00:19:55,256
It's a little fuzzy.

405
00:19:55,465 --> 00:19:56,507
I lived in Florida

406
00:19:56,591 --> 00:20:00,803
so I assume an escaped zoo animal
rampaged through a mini-golf course?

407
00:20:00,887 --> 00:20:04,265
You and your friend, Pillboi,
were trying to rob a restaurant.

408
00:20:04,349 --> 00:20:05,391
Pillboi!

409
00:20:06,184 --> 00:20:08,978
Right. And then...
And then the cops showed up.

410
00:20:10,105 --> 00:20:11,147
WHOOSH

411
00:20:11,648 --> 00:20:15,276
So the plan was to pretend
to install a safe

412
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,486
with your friend hiding inside it.

413
00:20:17,571 --> 00:20:19,864
He pops out,
steals the money from the restaurant

414
00:20:20,157 --> 00:20:22,908
gets back in the safe,
then you come in and uninstall it.

415
00:20:22,993 --> 00:20:25,661
I refuse to discuss
my fifth amendment rights

416
00:20:25,912 --> 00:20:28,497
until I concur with your attorney.

417
00:20:28,957 --> 00:20:29,999
Sure.

418
00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:34,044
Look, we found your buddy's plans.
We know he was the... brains.

419
00:20:34,379 --> 00:20:35,629
You were just an accomplice.

420
00:20:36,047 --> 00:20:37,673
If you're lucky, you might get probation.

421
00:20:38,717 --> 00:20:39,759
Jason going to jail?

422
00:20:40,218 --> 00:20:41,844
No, man. Jason's dead.

423
00:20:42,637 --> 00:20:44,096
He suffocated in that safe.

424
00:20:44,514 --> 00:20:45,556
There were no air holes.

425
00:20:45,849 --> 00:20:47,641
Plus he did a bunch of whippits
while he was in there

426
00:20:47,726 --> 00:20:48,976
which couldn't have helped.

427
00:20:49,060 --> 00:20:50,770
At least he died doing what he loved...

428
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:52,354
a bunch of whippits.

429
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,649
Now he's never gonna get the life
he truly deserved.

430
00:20:56,067 --> 00:20:57,943
Eh, I think he got
roughly what he deserved.

431
00:20:58,028 --> 00:20:58,986
WHOOSH

432
00:20:59,070 --> 00:21:01,322
I suffocated to death in... in a safe?

433
00:21:01,740 --> 00:21:02,782
I'm a moron.

434
00:21:03,575 --> 00:21:05,201
Hey... Hey, Janet?

435
00:21:05,285 --> 00:21:06,160
DING
- Hi, there.

436
00:21:07,454 --> 00:21:10,080
Janet, you need to leave me.

437
00:21:10,499 --> 00:21:12,833
Why?
- You're the smartest girl in the world...

438
00:21:12,918 --> 00:21:15,961
JANET: I'm not a girl.
- ...and your dad is an angel.

439
00:21:16,046 --> 00:21:18,464
I mean, what a family!

440
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:22,134
I'm just a dope
who died in a safe with a snorkel...

441
00:21:24,262 --> 00:21:27,640
who's only now realising
why that didn't work.

442
00:21:29,017 --> 00:21:30,518
You should be with someone better.

443
00:21:31,186 --> 00:21:32,394
I don't deserve you.

444
00:21:32,687 --> 00:21:35,397
Jason, you are all that I care about.

445
00:21:36,399 --> 00:21:40,653
Possibly because I did not have the capacity
to care about anything before you.

446
00:21:41,404 --> 00:21:42,238
I love you.

447
00:21:43,281 --> 00:21:47,034
Also, interesting side note,
I think I might hate things now, too.

448
00:21:47,410 --> 00:21:50,204
So far, it's genocide
and leggings as pants.

449
00:21:50,288 --> 00:21:51,413
This is nuts.

450
00:21:52,165 --> 00:21:54,041
Just weighing in over here.

451
00:21:54,125 --> 00:21:55,835
This is bonkers.

452
00:21:56,711 --> 00:21:57,586
You know...

453
00:21:58,255 --> 00:21:59,672
everything's falling apart.

454
00:21:59,756 --> 00:22:02,633
The only thing I can think to do
is to reboot you again, Janet.

455
00:22:02,717 --> 00:22:05,511
Why?
- It's the only thing I can think of to do

456
00:22:05,929 --> 00:22:07,096
to get rid of this glitch.

457
00:22:07,180 --> 00:22:08,931
Yo, who you calling a glitch?

458
00:22:09,015 --> 00:22:12,101
It means error, Jason,
which is what this is.

459
00:22:12,185 --> 00:22:15,938
Oh, really? Is it an error
to act unpredictably

460
00:22:16,022 --> 00:22:20,776
and behave in ways that run counter
to how you were programmed to behave?

461
00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:21,902
Yes.

462
00:22:22,404 --> 00:22:23,946
Now, you two sit tight.

463
00:22:24,489 --> 00:22:26,740
I'm gonna go murder Janet,
and I'll be right back.

464
00:22:28,118 --> 00:22:29,493
Look on the bright side.

465
00:22:30,203 --> 00:22:31,453
When you're rebooted

466
00:22:31,538 --> 00:22:34,039
I can teach you
all the Dorito flavours again.

467
00:22:34,416 --> 00:22:36,667
No. I'm not starting over.

468
00:22:37,168 --> 00:22:39,461
What if he reboots me,
and we fall out of love?

469
00:22:40,380 --> 00:22:41,881
We have to get out of here right now.

470
00:22:45,677 --> 00:22:46,844
Where do you suppose she is?

471
00:22:46,928 --> 00:22:48,178
I hope she's OK.

472
00:22:48,763 --> 00:22:51,932
You know, the more I work on her case,
the more I think she truly belongs here.

473
00:22:54,936 --> 00:22:57,938
Um, I'm sorry
that I haven't been able to say...

474
00:22:59,649 --> 00:23:02,026
what you want me to say,
because I... I do want to say it.

475
00:23:02,652 --> 00:23:03,736
What's holding you back?

476
00:23:03,820 --> 00:23:05,779
Honestly, my biggest fear
is just making sure

477
00:23:05,864 --> 00:23:07,573
that my motivation for saying it...

478
00:23:10,035 --> 00:23:11,118
Chidi?

479
00:23:15,832 --> 00:23:17,666
REAL ELEANOR: Wow.
- How did she suddenly...?

480
00:23:17,751 --> 00:23:18,918
Her motivation changed.

481
00:23:19,002 --> 00:23:21,503
She couldn't earn enough points
by apologising to everyone here

482
00:23:21,588 --> 00:23:24,381
because she was only doing it
to earn enough points to stay here.

483
00:23:24,466 --> 00:23:25,674
But she did earn enough points

484
00:23:25,759 --> 00:23:28,010
which means she's decided not to stay here,
which means...

485
00:23:28,261 --> 00:23:29,136
That she's leaving.

486
00:23:33,558 --> 00:23:35,768
Oh, hey, Janet.
I was just about to call you

487
00:23:35,852 --> 00:23:39,396
to ask you to get me
a train to the Bad Place.

488
00:23:39,481 --> 00:23:42,316
Whoa, what?
- You have to be a good person to stay here

489
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:45,027
and I can't become a good person
unless I leave.

490
00:23:45,111 --> 00:23:47,696
You don't belong here,
Jason doesn't belong here

491
00:23:48,073 --> 00:23:50,324
and now that I can think and feel,
I don't belong here either.

492
00:23:50,825 --> 00:23:51,909
Where are you going with this?

493
00:23:51,993 --> 00:23:55,913
There is a woman named Mindy St. Clair
who lives in a neutral zone by herself.

494
00:23:55,997 --> 00:23:58,499
It's neither a Good Place nor a Bad Place.

495
00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:01,543
A Medium Place?
Dude, that's where I belong.

496
00:24:01,628 --> 00:24:03,087
I've been saying that since day one.

497
00:24:03,171 --> 00:24:04,630
It's where Jason and I are going.

498
00:24:05,006 --> 00:24:06,840
Would you like to come
with us to Mindy's house?

499
00:24:06,925 --> 00:24:09,093
Yeah. Let's go hang with Mindy.
That sounds great.

500
00:24:09,177 --> 00:24:11,470
Love her, huge fan. Call the train.

501
00:24:11,554 --> 00:24:12,721
Look, there it is now.

502
00:24:12,806 --> 00:24:15,349
BRAKES SQUEAL

503
00:24:15,433 --> 00:24:16,517
I did not call that train.

504
00:24:16,601 --> 00:24:20,145
That train belongs to Shawn,
the judge, who's coming here to judge you.

505
00:24:20,230 --> 00:24:22,231
ELEANOR: Can you make that train
go to Mindy's house?

506
00:24:22,315 --> 00:24:25,025
Yep.
- Then we have to go. Right now.

507
00:24:25,110 --> 00:24:26,318
I just have to run home real quick

508
00:24:26,403 --> 00:24:27,987
and hit save on the Madden game
I was playing

509
00:24:28,071 --> 00:24:30,781
because Blake Bortles has, like,
300 yards passing in the first half...

510
00:24:36,788 --> 00:24:39,790
TENSE MUSIC

511
00:24:56,808 --> 00:24:57,850
Shawn.

512
00:24:58,268 --> 00:24:59,435
MICHAEL PANTS
- Michael.

513
00:24:59,519 --> 00:25:00,936
Sorry I wasn't here to greet you.

514
00:25:01,021 --> 00:25:05,024
I, uh, had something I needed to tend to,
but it can wait. It can wait.

515
00:25:08,695 --> 00:25:10,237
OK, I've hacked into the mainframe.

516
00:25:11,614 --> 00:25:12,698
Kidding.
- JANET LAUGHS

517
00:25:12,782 --> 00:25:15,909
I can't hack into the mainframe.
Technically, I am the mainframe.

518
00:25:15,994 --> 00:25:17,327
Would you just hurry up?

519
00:25:17,954 --> 00:25:20,205
I'm here to rule
on the fate of Fake Eleanor Shellstrop.

520
00:25:20,290 --> 00:25:21,123
Yes, yes.

521
00:25:21,207 --> 00:25:25,044
Um, I think we have a rock-solid case
for Fake Eleanor.

522
00:25:25,795 --> 00:25:28,047
I truly believe she's a good person.

523
00:25:28,548 --> 00:25:31,425
Are you sure?
Because I believe she's stealing my train.

524
00:25:31,509 --> 00:25:32,885
TRAIN CHUGS

525
00:25:32,969 --> 00:25:34,219
I'm sorry, Michael.

526
00:25:35,013 --> 00:25:35,971
Sorry, everyone.

527
00:25:41,227 --> 00:25:42,269
Well...

528
00:25:43,229 --> 00:25:44,521
not great for my case.