1
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♪ I see trees of green
Red roses too ♪
2
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♪ I see them bloom... ♪
3
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Hey, dingdongs, we've figured out
what's happened here.
4
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You two are both named Eleanor Shellstrop.
5
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The day you died,
you were both in Phoenix, Arizona
6
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shopping at the same grocery store.
7
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HE MAKES A FART NOISE
8
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The "Real Eleanor" was attending
a conference on the death penalty
9
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and you stopped by to pick up food
for a local homeless shelter.
10
00:00:29,509 --> 00:00:32,553
And "Fake Eleanor"
was there buying margarita mix
11
00:00:32,679 --> 00:00:37,432
and a magazine called
"Celebrity Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters."
12
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Incredibly, you both died
in the same ten-thousandth of a second
13
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in the same traffic accident.
14
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Because Real Eleanor was trying
to save Fake Eleanor's life
15
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by pushing you
out of the way of the truck.
16
00:00:50,154 --> 00:00:52,364
I guess you really botched that one, huh?
17
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I did. And I am so, so sorry.
18
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It's all good.
19
00:00:57,537 --> 00:01:00,289
So how did you not realise
you had the wrong Eleanor?
20
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Oh, we don't know what people
look like - only names and profiles.
21
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On Earth, they're just dots on a map.
22
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Yeah, whatever, we got our wires crossed.
We picked up the wrong dot.
23
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Bluh-Bluh-Bluh-Bluh-Bluh...
- Not now.
24
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...Bluh-Bluh-Bluh-Bluh-Bluh!
25
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Point is, there are two Eleanors.
26
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The nice, boring one is yours,
the trash bag is ours.
27
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So trash bag, let's go. Let's hit it.
28
00:01:24,564 --> 00:01:27,232
And also, I'm still waiting
on that smile, gorgeous.
29
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Trevor.
- Where's that smile?
30
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Trevor, how about we negotiate.
Maybe give you something else.
31
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What in the world could you have
that we would want?
32
00:01:34,282 --> 00:01:37,409
All right, how about a unicorn! Right?
I bet you don't have one of those.
33
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No, that is true.
- MICHAEL LAUGHS
34
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Might be fun to skin it alive,
eat its raw flesh
35
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maybe break off the horn,
grind it up, snort it.
36
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Okay, let's keep talking. Yeah.
37
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Fake Eleanor, a word?
38
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It's just me, man.
You can just say Eleanor.
39
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Sorry. It just makes things easier.
- SHE SIGHS
40
00:02:02,018 --> 00:02:05,395
Look, I'm not even sure how
it would work for you to stay here
41
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now that we know there's a Real Eleanor.
42
00:02:06,939 --> 00:02:09,983
But in the meantime, stay on your toes.
43
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Don't let Trevor get inside your head.
44
00:02:12,612 --> 00:02:13,570
Can I ask you something?
45
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Why are you helping me?
46
00:02:17,033 --> 00:02:20,410
Well, Chidi made a very good
argument on your behalf.
47
00:02:20,495 --> 00:02:21,703
But it's more than that.
48
00:02:21,996 --> 00:02:25,874
I truly believe that the
Good Place is where you belong.
49
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You're part of our team.
50
00:02:31,339 --> 00:02:34,424
Hi, you must be the new student,
Eleanor Shellstrop.
51
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I'm Gloria, the senior class secretary.
52
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Cool.
53
00:02:38,096 --> 00:02:41,431
Welcome to Adobe High,
home of the "Scorpioties!"
54
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Half the school wanted to be the Scorpions
55
00:02:43,685 --> 00:02:45,936
half wanted to be the Coyotes,
so we compromised.
56
00:02:46,354 --> 00:02:48,563
Why don't I give you
a tour after lunch?
57
00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:50,190
Yeah, no thanks "mop-top."
58
00:02:50,650 --> 00:02:51,525
Uh... sorry?
59
00:02:52,610 --> 00:02:56,113
Don't need your help, don't want to
sign your yearbook in, like, gel pen
60
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don't wanna bedazzle
our college essays, or whatever.
61
00:02:59,325 --> 00:03:00,742
I'm here for like six months
62
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and I'm gonna fly solo.
63
00:03:03,204 --> 00:03:04,871
Beat it, Gloria.
64
00:03:05,164 --> 00:03:09,292
She is like such a dork.
She, like, loves this school so much.
65
00:03:09,335 --> 00:03:10,794
Why don't you come sit with us?
66
00:03:10,878 --> 00:03:13,880
We'll teach you which guys are cute,
and which teachers are secretly "pervs."
67
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Yeah, that's a hard pass as well.
68
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:19,469
I don't want to get chunky highlights,
make fun of nerds
69
00:03:19,512 --> 00:03:21,513
and steal your mom's flavored vodka.
70
00:03:21,681 --> 00:03:25,142
I get your whole "mean girl" thing,
and I'm all set with it, thanks.
71
00:03:25,351 --> 00:03:26,435
In fact...
72
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LOUD ECHOING NOISES
73
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Listen up, everyone!
74
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I'm Eleanor, I'm new here
75
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and as a blanket statement for everyone
76
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I don't want to be a part of
whatever little group you've formed
77
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because they're all equally lame.
78
00:03:41,909 --> 00:03:43,827
Everybody cool? Great.
79
00:03:46,497 --> 00:03:49,291
Hey. It was really cool the way
you told all these poseurs...
80
00:03:49,333 --> 00:03:50,208
No!
81
00:03:55,214 --> 00:03:57,132
Tahani? Do you have a moment?
82
00:03:57,383 --> 00:03:58,800
Oh, Michael. Of course, come in.
83
00:03:59,677 --> 00:04:03,805
If I'm going to save Fake Eleanor,
I need some help negotiating.
84
00:04:04,098 --> 00:04:05,474
I don't even know what to offer.
85
00:04:05,641 --> 00:04:08,935
I mean, what do you get somebody
who wants to eat a unicorn?
86
00:04:09,687 --> 00:04:13,064
A unicorn bib! Yes! No. No.
87
00:04:13,107 --> 00:04:16,651
Unicorn holders, you know,
like corn holders, but for unicorns.
88
00:04:16,986 --> 00:04:19,946
But perhaps it'd be better if we just
move away from the unicorn thing altogether.
89
00:04:20,239 --> 00:04:23,450
No, you're right. You're right.
And anyway there's a bigger problem.
90
00:04:24,076 --> 00:04:27,954
The Bad Place Crew, they're all
terrible bullies, and they outnumber me.
91
00:04:28,581 --> 00:04:30,415
They even have their own Bad Janet.
92
00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:33,251
I'll show you. Bad Janet?
- What?
93
00:04:34,921 --> 00:04:38,256
Bad Janet, where's the nearest café?
94
00:04:38,382 --> 00:04:40,175
Oh, that's a good question
95
00:04:40,426 --> 00:04:43,386
it's up your mom's butt, you fat dink.
96
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SHE LAUGHS
Bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh.
97
00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:51,228
That's you, Michael.
Okay, that's what you sound like.
98
00:04:51,354 --> 00:04:53,438
Do you hear yourself?
Do you hear him?
99
00:04:53,648 --> 00:04:56,483
It's gross. What is wrong with you?
100
00:04:57,193 --> 00:05:00,946
What is even the purpose of a Janet
who behaves in such a manner?
101
00:05:01,072 --> 00:05:02,948
Unclear. But the point is
102
00:05:03,574 --> 00:05:07,202
I never have to deal with
negative emotion of any sort.
103
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I could use some backup, Tahani.
104
00:05:09,539 --> 00:05:10,664
Oh, Michael, of course.
105
00:05:10,998 --> 00:05:12,457
Why don't you just bring them all here.
106
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Surely this magnificent house
will placate them?
107
00:05:15,294 --> 00:05:16,670
Oh, thank you. I'll be right...
108
00:05:19,215 --> 00:05:22,509
Oh, Tahani, you... you eat junk food?
109
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,637
Oh, uh... it's my cheat day.
110
00:05:26,097 --> 00:05:28,765
Well, you're already dead so go nuts, right?
111
00:05:29,016 --> 00:05:30,100
Yes.
112
00:05:30,393 --> 00:05:32,394
ELEANOR:
Well, here's your house!
113
00:05:33,354 --> 00:05:36,940
It's beautiful.
I love Icelandic primitive design.
114
00:05:37,650 --> 00:05:40,569
I kinda wish it had a clown nook.
Oh! There it is!
115
00:05:40,820 --> 00:05:44,865
Here's the bedroom. It's kinda hard
to get up on this dumb ledge, though.
116
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BEEP
117
00:05:49,078 --> 00:05:51,413
You have got to be forking kidding me.
118
00:05:51,664 --> 00:05:54,124
Hey! Fake Eleanor,
we used this same clown painting
119
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to decorate the room you were
supposed to live in down there!
120
00:05:57,169 --> 00:05:58,044
I swear to Bieber!
121
00:05:58,254 --> 00:05:59,504
Wait, what was your house like?
122
00:06:00,047 --> 00:06:03,675
Well, I was living in what I assume
is Eleanor's worst nightmare.
123
00:06:03,718 --> 00:06:07,929
Every day was basically one endless
baby shower, for a woman I didn't know
124
00:06:08,472 --> 00:06:10,682
but also somehow I had to organise it?
125
00:06:10,892 --> 00:06:14,644
And if I didn't remember everyone's name,
I got a very strong electric shock.
126
00:06:14,937 --> 00:06:16,146
Yep, that was my pitch.
127
00:06:16,314 --> 00:06:19,024
And then at night,
it was pretty classic torture
128
00:06:19,525 --> 00:06:22,903
flying piranhas, lava monsters,
college improv
129
00:06:23,154 --> 00:06:25,447
and there was always jazz music playing.
130
00:06:25,615 --> 00:06:27,574
Ugh, I hate jazz!
131
00:06:27,992 --> 00:06:30,410
Every jazz song is forty minutes long.
132
00:06:30,453 --> 00:06:33,580
It's like, we get it,
you can blow on a trumpet
133
00:06:33,748 --> 00:06:35,248
wrap it up, Elton John!
134
00:06:35,374 --> 00:06:36,625
Famously a piano player.
135
00:06:36,959 --> 00:06:38,043
I don't mean to be a bother
136
00:06:38,085 --> 00:06:40,295
but could I possibly get some water
137
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and whatever food doesn't
turn to spiders in your mouth?
138
00:06:43,716 --> 00:06:46,468
Oh! Of course, so sorry.
Let's get some dinner.
139
00:06:46,677 --> 00:06:47,719
Yeah, we'll all go!
140
00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:51,431
Perfect double date - two losers,
a trash bag, and a demon.
141
00:06:51,724 --> 00:06:52,599
Let's hit it!
142
00:06:53,351 --> 00:06:56,061
HE GROANS AND LAUGHS
143
00:06:57,313 --> 00:07:00,065
All right, Michael, we're going to ply them
with delicious food and drink
144
00:07:00,107 --> 00:07:03,026
and then we're going
to subtly segue into negotiation.
145
00:07:03,152 --> 00:07:06,529
They're sure to be in a good mood.
Everything is absolutely beautiful.
146
00:07:06,572 --> 00:07:09,115
This sucks, dude.
147
00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:13,203
Yeah, this food uh... blows.
Yo, Good Janet!
148
00:07:13,287 --> 00:07:14,162
Hi there!
149
00:07:14,205 --> 00:07:16,915
Oh. Get me some jalapeño poppers.
- Sure.
150
00:07:17,166 --> 00:07:19,376
Quick question, what is a "jalapeño?"
151
00:07:19,710 --> 00:07:22,671
Also, what is a "poppers?"
Also, what is "jalapeño poppers?"
152
00:07:22,838 --> 00:07:28,009
Oops! Sorry, guys.
In the confusion, Janet got rebooted
153
00:07:28,052 --> 00:07:31,513
so she hasn't quite uploaded
all of the info she usually knows.
154
00:07:31,931 --> 00:07:33,932
THEY LAUGH
155
00:07:34,558 --> 00:07:37,477
That's hilarious.
She's almost as stupid as people!
156
00:07:37,937 --> 00:07:41,606
Oh! Hey, now, come on.
Let's not insult people, please.
157
00:07:42,108 --> 00:07:44,985
Ugh. You have such
a "stiffy" for human beings.
158
00:07:45,903 --> 00:07:49,906
"I'm Michael, I love idiot humans!"
HE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY
159
00:07:50,032 --> 00:07:51,032
THEY LAUGH
160
00:07:51,117 --> 00:07:53,368
I gotta admit, that does sound like me.
161
00:07:53,494 --> 00:07:56,496
"I gotta admit, that does sound like me!"
162
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:59,499
Nailed it again!
- THEY LAUGH
163
00:07:59,917 --> 00:08:01,876
Go get me a drink.
- Yes, of course.
164
00:08:05,381 --> 00:08:08,967
Ah, man, this is gonna
make a primo dump later on.
165
00:08:10,636 --> 00:08:12,470
Well, that looks delicious. What is that?
166
00:08:12,847 --> 00:08:14,222
It's Tom Yum Gong soup.
167
00:08:14,598 --> 00:08:18,059
It reminds me of when I was in Thailand,
rescuing victims of human trafficking.
168
00:08:18,310 --> 00:08:22,188
Oh, that sounds so good!
I mean, the soup, not the human trafficking.
169
00:08:22,648 --> 00:08:24,691
I think your grilled eggplant looks so good.
170
00:08:25,359 --> 00:08:26,901
Should we...
- BOTH: "Splitsies!"
171
00:08:26,944 --> 00:08:28,319
SHE LAUGHS
172
00:08:30,322 --> 00:08:32,615
I can't believe you thought
you could pretend to be Real Eleanor.
173
00:08:33,075 --> 00:08:37,996
She's like a perfect ball of light,
and you're like a wet pile of mulch.
174
00:08:38,414 --> 00:08:41,166
Someone made a person
out of wet mulch and leaves
175
00:08:41,208 --> 00:08:43,793
and dead slugs, and that's you.
176
00:08:44,128 --> 00:08:47,213
Whatever. It's easy
when you're just born perfect.
177
00:08:47,757 --> 00:08:50,550
My parents were both "dirtbags"
who split up when I was eight.
178
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,260
I don't mean to eavesdrop
179
00:08:52,303 --> 00:08:54,095
but did you say your parents got a divorce?
180
00:08:54,138 --> 00:08:56,681
Yeah, and that kind of thing
really changes a person.
181
00:08:56,807 --> 00:09:01,436
I mean, that trauma,
it can explain away a lot of behaviour.
182
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:02,604
Oh, of course.
183
00:09:02,938 --> 00:09:04,773
Your parents are still together, I guess?
184
00:09:05,024 --> 00:09:09,110
Oh, actually, I'm not sure.
I never met my birth parents.
185
00:09:09,195 --> 00:09:11,154
They put me in an empty fish tank
186
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,031
and abandoned me
at a train station in Bangladesh.
187
00:09:13,783 --> 00:09:18,369
Luckily, I was found and adopted by
a very nice couple - the Shellstrops.
188
00:09:18,788 --> 00:09:19,662
Oh, thank god.
189
00:09:20,122 --> 00:09:22,749
But then they died
when I was four - bird flu.
190
00:09:22,792 --> 00:09:25,001
That's awful.
- Oh, no, it wasn't that bad.
191
00:09:25,127 --> 00:09:27,295
Another orphan taught me
how to read and write.
192
00:09:27,421 --> 00:09:31,633
Although when I was nine I found out she'd
taught me a gibberish language as a prank.
193
00:09:31,884 --> 00:09:35,887
So I had to relearn everything from "snorf."
Sorry, scratch.
194
00:09:36,097 --> 00:09:38,765
Still a few gaps in my language acquisition.
195
00:09:38,808 --> 00:09:41,476
Anyway, the orphanage burned down,
"yadda-yadda-yadda"
196
00:09:41,519 --> 00:09:43,978
made my way to America,
"yadda-yadda-yadda"
197
00:09:44,396 --> 00:09:46,272
learned English from watching Seinfeld
198
00:09:46,315 --> 00:09:49,275
put myself through law school,
and here I am!
199
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,570
Huh. I'm sorry, what is it
you said happened to you?
200
00:09:52,863 --> 00:09:55,365
The same thing that happens to
half of all kids in America?
201
00:09:55,533 --> 00:09:56,449
HE LAUGHS
202
00:09:56,951 --> 00:09:59,077
And for you to have gone through all that
203
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,496
and to end up where you did,
it is just...
204
00:10:02,581 --> 00:10:03,790
it's just amazing.
205
00:10:04,667 --> 00:10:07,794
Oh man, these "horndogs"
are vibing like "mofos!"
206
00:10:07,837 --> 00:10:10,922
Am I right, Fake Eleanor?
- Please stop calling me that.
207
00:10:10,965 --> 00:10:13,174
Oh, you got it, Third Wheel.
208
00:10:14,802 --> 00:10:16,845
Yeah, that wine's no good
I'm sending it back.
209
00:10:22,768 --> 00:10:23,643
Hey, Janet!
210
00:10:25,020 --> 00:10:26,062
You look sad.
211
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,357
People keep asking me questions
that I don't know the answers to.
212
00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:31,359
That was my whole life on Earth.
213
00:10:32,486 --> 00:10:34,654
You know, it doesn't matter
if you know things
214
00:10:35,030 --> 00:10:37,282
all that matters is what's in your heart.
215
00:10:37,658 --> 00:10:38,700
Thanks, Jianyu.
216
00:10:39,034 --> 00:10:42,537
I mean, it does matter if I know things,
because I'm an informational delivery system
217
00:10:42,955 --> 00:10:45,039
and I don't have a heart, but thanks.
218
00:10:45,791 --> 00:10:48,543
Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions
219
00:10:48,586 --> 00:10:50,170
but can I ask you a question?
220
00:10:50,713 --> 00:10:53,381
Sure.
- What are "jalapeño poppers?"
221
00:10:53,883 --> 00:10:55,008
Oh! I know this one!
222
00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:58,178
Okay. They're deep fried jalapeños
filled with cheese.
223
00:10:58,888 --> 00:11:01,431
One time,
at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville
224
00:11:01,599 --> 00:11:03,892
the nice one,
not the one above the gas station
225
00:11:04,143 --> 00:11:06,686
I ate fifty of them in two minutes.
226
00:11:07,146 --> 00:11:09,314
Everyone at the hospital was so impressed!
227
00:11:09,607 --> 00:11:11,065
Got it! Thanks, Jianyu!
228
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:12,275
You're welcome!
229
00:11:17,823 --> 00:11:18,781
Why did you do that?
230
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,035
Because you're the only person
here that's nice to me.
231
00:11:22,912 --> 00:11:23,786
Okay.
232
00:11:28,626 --> 00:11:30,418
Anyone up for a little icebreaker?
233
00:11:30,628 --> 00:11:32,629
You know, I once did trust falls
with Barry Diller
234
00:11:32,671 --> 00:11:34,714
and it was the beginning
of a lifelong friendship.
235
00:11:34,798 --> 00:11:36,591
And then, once we trust each other
236
00:11:36,634 --> 00:11:39,052
then we can discuss
making a deal for Fake Eleanor.
237
00:11:39,261 --> 00:11:42,931
This sucks! How do you guys eat
without listening to hard-core porn?
238
00:11:43,682 --> 00:11:46,476
Oh, come on, this is the Good Place.
You can do anything you want!
239
00:11:46,518 --> 00:11:50,313
What about throwing a "rager"
and totally trashing this place?
240
00:11:50,481 --> 00:11:52,440
Ooh! Yeah, I'd be into that.
241
00:11:52,816 --> 00:11:54,067
We could totally go to town.
242
00:11:54,443 --> 00:11:56,945
You know, I actually don't think
that's such a good idea.
243
00:11:57,071 --> 00:11:58,321
Let's party!
244
00:11:58,489 --> 00:11:59,906
♪ Who let the dogs out! ♪
245
00:11:59,949 --> 00:12:01,199
Oh my god!
246
00:12:01,325 --> 00:12:04,911
♪ Who-who-who-who-who,
who let the dogs out! Who-who-who. ♪
247
00:12:05,829 --> 00:12:06,996
REAL ELEANOR:
So, um...
248
00:12:07,456 --> 00:12:09,540
Chidi tells me that
he's teaching you about ethics.
249
00:12:09,833 --> 00:12:14,128
Yeah. Actually, we've had some
interesting and in-depth classes.
250
00:12:14,213 --> 00:12:16,172
He taught me about
Plato and Socrates...
251
00:12:16,215 --> 00:12:18,466
Yeah, cool, shut up.
Let's cut to the chase, here.
252
00:12:18,509 --> 00:12:19,384
You two go to "Poundtown?"
253
00:12:20,594 --> 00:12:23,721
"Poundtown," bro!
You two bang it out? She "hot for teach'?"
254
00:12:24,223 --> 00:12:27,475
Did you pork the dork? Come on, girl,
dish me "dem dirty deets!"
255
00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:31,771
I assure you, our relationship
was "teacher-student". Nothing more.
256
00:12:31,897 --> 00:12:34,148
Chidi, you don't have
to explain anything to me.
257
00:12:34,358 --> 00:12:37,443
Whatever happened before I arrived
is none of my business.
258
00:12:38,529 --> 00:12:40,238
Hey, I'd love to see
the rest of the Neighborhood.
259
00:12:40,364 --> 00:12:43,658
Yes, it's incredible.
There's an amazing library
260
00:12:43,701 --> 00:12:46,744
there's a beautiful, piranha-free lake.
- SHE LAUGHS
261
00:12:46,787 --> 00:12:49,831
Well, please show me everything.
You ready, Eleanor?
262
00:12:51,125 --> 00:12:53,459
I've seen it all already.
You guys go ahead.
263
00:12:53,794 --> 00:12:56,045
You'd rather be alone, with him?
264
00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:58,172
Fire in the hole.
Watch your heads, ladies.
265
00:12:58,465 --> 00:13:00,300
My dudes tend to
boomerang around the room.
266
00:13:01,135 --> 00:13:07,098
Yeah. I mean, I don't need to walk around and
nerd out about old books.
267
00:13:07,141 --> 00:13:08,016
I'm good.
268
00:13:09,810 --> 00:13:10,685
Okay.
269
00:13:13,272 --> 00:13:16,024
Hey, a bunch of us are gonna go see
"Spider-Man 2" tonight.
270
00:13:16,066 --> 00:13:17,066
Do you wanna come?
271
00:13:17,401 --> 00:13:19,110
They made a second Spider-Man?
272
00:13:19,278 --> 00:13:22,572
What is there left to say?
Sure, whatever, I'm in.
273
00:13:22,948 --> 00:13:25,908
Cool. I'll get tickets for the eight of us,
and you can just pay me back in cash.
274
00:13:26,410 --> 00:13:28,536
So you can get all the points
on your credit card
275
00:13:28,662 --> 00:13:30,913
and the rest of us get screwed?
No way!
276
00:13:30,998 --> 00:13:33,374
No, it's just so we can all
get tickets before they sell out.
277
00:13:33,584 --> 00:13:34,584
Do you want to buy them?
278
00:13:35,002 --> 00:13:37,962
So you guys can never pay me back and I'll be
out 80 bucks?
279
00:13:38,047 --> 00:13:40,923
Nice try! I'll buy my own ticket.
280
00:13:41,633 --> 00:13:43,634
The rest of the group
can do whatever they want.
281
00:13:46,388 --> 00:13:48,056
Where did she end up?
282
00:13:51,143 --> 00:13:54,645
Bought it with points, baby! My points!
283
00:13:57,441 --> 00:13:59,484
I think I need to find a new place to live.
284
00:14:00,194 --> 00:14:02,028
DANCE MUSIC
285
00:14:02,529 --> 00:14:04,572
No, no, no. Don't. Don't. All right.
286
00:14:07,409 --> 00:14:08,576
Want a bump?
287
00:14:08,786 --> 00:14:10,620
No, thank you. I don't use cocaine.
288
00:14:10,788 --> 00:14:14,332
Oh, it's not cocaine, idiot.
We're snorting time.
289
00:14:14,541 --> 00:14:16,584
Sorry, you're sorting the concept of time?
290
00:14:16,835 --> 00:14:18,586
Yeah, it'll fork you up.
291
00:14:19,046 --> 00:14:21,506
Yo, monk dude.
You know how to tap a keg?
292
00:14:22,466 --> 00:14:24,300
Karaoke time!
293
00:14:25,302 --> 00:14:27,261
Dana baby, what do you want to do?
294
00:14:27,596 --> 00:14:29,138
Okay, a Mussolini speech?
295
00:14:29,306 --> 00:14:31,391
Ooh, the Mel Gibson Rant - that's a classic.
296
00:14:31,934 --> 00:14:35,895
Ooh let's do the Nixon Tapes.
That's my jam.
297
00:14:36,438 --> 00:14:39,107
"What you always have to remember
with the Irish is they get mean.
298
00:14:39,691 --> 00:14:42,276
Virtually every Irish I've known
gets mean when he drinks."
299
00:14:42,486 --> 00:14:45,029
THEY GROAN
- Whoo!
300
00:14:45,406 --> 00:14:47,240
Michael, tell them to stop!
301
00:14:47,658 --> 00:14:50,118
Oh, I think I've made it pretty
clear that I don't approve.
302
00:14:50,285 --> 00:14:52,370
Hey, idiot! Dance!
303
00:14:52,454 --> 00:14:53,329
You got it!
304
00:14:53,372 --> 00:14:55,998
"It's about damn time that
the Jew in America realises
305
00:14:56,041 --> 00:14:58,251
he's an American first
and a Jew second."
306
00:14:59,169 --> 00:15:02,422
HE LAUGHS
I lit him on fire and he never spoke again.
307
00:15:02,589 --> 00:15:06,175
You know, maybe I'm not
as great as Real Eleanor
308
00:15:06,301 --> 00:15:07,969
but I'm better than I used to be.
309
00:15:08,387 --> 00:15:10,721
I'm medium good.
310
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,267
Why haven't you "forkers"
invented a medium place?
311
00:15:14,601 --> 00:15:18,438
Look, I know you've been trying
to become a "better" person.
312
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:19,897
You didn't wanna get caught, I get it.
313
00:15:19,940 --> 00:15:24,152
But I read your file.
You don't belong here.
314
00:15:24,653 --> 00:15:28,156
She spent her weekends
breaking up dog fighting rings.
315
00:15:28,365 --> 00:15:30,908
You once saw a meter maid
writing you a ticket
316
00:15:30,951 --> 00:15:33,786
and you barked like a dog
until she ran away.
317
00:15:34,204 --> 00:15:37,123
You burned every bridge.
You cheated on tests.
318
00:15:37,332 --> 00:15:39,750
You once said
that your greatest accomplishment
319
00:15:39,793 --> 00:15:42,795
was inventing a new kind
of high school heavy petting.
320
00:15:42,838 --> 00:15:43,838
SHE GASPS
321
00:15:44,298 --> 00:15:47,967
Over-the-pants mouth stuff.
That was a real game-changer.
322
00:15:48,218 --> 00:15:49,677
Yeah, I am a fan.
323
00:15:49,928 --> 00:15:53,097
I mean, honestly,
you'll be happier in the Bad Place.
324
00:15:53,140 --> 00:15:56,684
I mean, don't get me wrong,
you'll be miserable, we will torture you.
325
00:15:56,727 --> 00:15:58,311
But you'll also be happier
326
00:15:58,729 --> 00:16:02,857
because you won't have to keep trying
to fit in somewhere you don't belong.
327
00:16:06,737 --> 00:16:07,862
Aight.
328
00:16:09,615 --> 00:16:12,325
Let's go.
- Okay. Hold on, I have to ask.
329
00:16:12,576 --> 00:16:14,494
Is this thing gonna happen?
You and me?
330
00:16:14,870 --> 00:16:16,120
Ew, no. Gross.
331
00:16:16,413 --> 00:16:18,372
Okay. You know I had to ask, babe.
332
00:16:22,169 --> 00:16:24,754
You know it's true. You know it's true.
- No.
333
00:16:24,796 --> 00:16:27,340
Oh! I called it. I called it.
Did you guys go to "Poundtown?"
334
00:16:27,382 --> 00:16:29,926
Did it happen? Did it happen?
- No, no.
335
00:16:29,968 --> 00:16:32,136
We just walked through the sculpture garden
336
00:16:32,262 --> 00:16:34,514
reciting our favourite
Baudelaire verses to each other.
337
00:16:34,765 --> 00:16:37,934
Oh shut up.
- How did you guys spend your night?
338
00:16:38,185 --> 00:16:41,979
Oh, you know... just did a bunch of
Goldschläger shots with this demon.
339
00:16:42,147 --> 00:16:44,273
Well, I'm sure everyone's tired.
340
00:16:44,399 --> 00:16:46,067
I'm happy to sleep on the couch
341
00:16:46,485 --> 00:16:49,320
and Real Eleanor you can
have the guest bedroom.
342
00:16:49,404 --> 00:16:52,073
Oh, no, no.
I am perfectly fine on the floor.
343
00:16:52,449 --> 00:16:55,701
I've been sleeping on hot nails
for so long, it'll be a real treat.
344
00:16:56,662 --> 00:17:00,373
I'll take the couch,
Real Eleanor can take the master.
345
00:17:00,457 --> 00:17:03,709
No. Trevor took the master.
Oh, and he's naked.
346
00:17:04,294 --> 00:17:05,753
Cool.
SHE SIGHS
347
00:17:06,213 --> 00:17:07,922
Bit of an awkward "sitch" here
348
00:17:07,965 --> 00:17:11,342
so you two lovebirds just do whatever
349
00:17:11,385 --> 00:17:12,593
and I'm gonna go sleep in the bathtub.
350
00:17:12,719 --> 00:17:14,470
Oh, that sounds very uncomfortable.
351
00:17:14,805 --> 00:17:17,598
It's cool. You should see some
of the places I've passed out drunk.
352
00:17:17,891 --> 00:17:20,518
My friend and I once
broke into Charles Barkley's house
353
00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:23,229
tried on all his giant shoes,
woke up in the garage
354
00:17:23,397 --> 00:17:25,815
snuck out through the doggie door
and, you know what?
355
00:17:26,108 --> 00:17:29,110
This story actually gets worse
from there so I'm gonna turn in.
356
00:17:29,778 --> 00:17:30,653
Good night.
357
00:17:31,655 --> 00:17:32,863
Good night.
- Good night.
358
00:17:35,701 --> 00:17:38,160
Oh...
- There are stairs now.
359
00:17:38,328 --> 00:17:39,412
Force of habit.
360
00:17:49,298 --> 00:17:53,968
Oh, Tahani, I'm so sorry.
I will obviously clean all of this up.
361
00:17:54,761 --> 00:17:56,554
I don't care about the house, Michael.
362
00:17:56,763 --> 00:17:59,015
I'm just upset that you
let them walk all over you.
363
00:17:59,141 --> 00:18:00,308
I know.
364
00:18:00,517 --> 00:18:03,436
They're the only thing
in the universe that scares me.
365
00:18:03,729 --> 00:18:04,854
I know what I have to do.
366
00:18:05,105 --> 00:18:07,648
I just have to be more accommodating
367
00:18:07,858 --> 00:18:09,358
offer them everything they want.
368
00:18:09,401 --> 00:18:12,069
Give in to all of their demands,
and then they'll have to respect me.
369
00:18:12,279 --> 00:18:15,197
No! You need to stand up for yourself.
370
00:18:15,365 --> 00:18:16,991
I'm going to tell you the same thing
371
00:18:17,034 --> 00:18:19,910
I told Mark Zuckerberg right before
he ousted Eduardo Saverin.
372
00:18:19,953 --> 00:18:22,079
You are smart.
You are capable
373
00:18:22,247 --> 00:18:24,749
and the time has come to hit "Unfriend."
374
00:18:25,250 --> 00:18:27,627
I also told Mark to lose the "the."
375
00:18:27,878 --> 00:18:30,379
You know, just "Facebook."
That was me.
376
00:18:41,183 --> 00:18:43,976
Oh! Oh! My head!
377
00:18:44,269 --> 00:18:45,895
Here. Drink this.
378
00:18:46,063 --> 00:18:49,231
How am I hungover? I thought
there were no hangovers here.
379
00:18:49,691 --> 00:18:53,653
The Bad Place Crew requested
that the hangover filter be turned off.
380
00:18:54,321 --> 00:18:56,864
They like them.
- Ugh. They are the worst.
381
00:18:56,907 --> 00:18:58,074
Yes, they are.
382
00:18:58,533 --> 00:19:00,868
So, Michael said we're meeting
at Tahani's place
383
00:19:00,911 --> 00:19:02,620
in an hour for a negotiation session.
384
00:19:03,121 --> 00:19:04,038
We'll walk over together?
385
00:19:05,999 --> 00:19:08,125
You don't have to come, man. I'm good.
386
00:19:08,168 --> 00:19:09,960
Just hang out with Real Eleanor
387
00:19:10,003 --> 00:19:14,173
and name constellations after each other,
or whatever it is nerds do.
388
00:19:14,216 --> 00:19:15,341
I'm fine on my own.
389
00:19:15,384 --> 00:19:18,552
Eleanor. Just because we have
a new guest in the house
390
00:19:18,595 --> 00:19:21,055
doesn't mean I'm not still going to be there
for you.
391
00:19:21,765 --> 00:19:23,724
I'm in this. We're a team.
392
00:19:26,186 --> 00:19:28,854
So, you've been temping for us for a year now
393
00:19:29,106 --> 00:19:30,481
and we want to bring you
aboard permanently.
394
00:19:30,565 --> 00:19:32,566
We think you'd be
a great addition to the team.
395
00:19:32,693 --> 00:19:35,277
Yeah, no, uh... I'm good.
396
00:19:35,570 --> 00:19:37,029
You're turning it down?
397
00:19:37,614 --> 00:19:41,283
I just don't think
I'm really one of you guys.
398
00:19:41,660 --> 00:19:43,494
You're all obsessed with this place, man.
399
00:19:43,954 --> 00:19:46,872
You love working here,
and talking about working here
400
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,208
and you all hang out
like some kind of cult.
401
00:19:49,876 --> 00:19:51,252
We hang out after work
because we're friends.
402
00:19:51,753 --> 00:19:53,170
I know, it's weird!
403
00:19:53,672 --> 00:19:56,257
If this is how you really feel,
I think I have to fire you.
404
00:19:56,717 --> 00:19:58,926
Severance pay? Love it.
405
00:19:59,010 --> 00:20:00,177
Good looking out, boss!
406
00:20:01,763 --> 00:20:02,805
Peace!
407
00:20:03,515 --> 00:20:04,932
You need me to lie to old people
408
00:20:04,975 --> 00:20:07,768
and scare them into buying
fake allergy medicine, I get it, man.
409
00:20:08,019 --> 00:20:10,229
Which one's my desk?
- That one over there.
410
00:20:10,355 --> 00:20:12,523
All you gotta do is hit your
minimal sales target every week.
411
00:20:12,566 --> 00:20:17,987
Cool. And you guys don't have any
lame mandatory office hangouts, right?
412
00:20:18,029 --> 00:20:19,071
Hell no.
413
00:20:19,406 --> 00:20:21,073
Some people go for a drink after work
414
00:20:21,199 --> 00:20:24,243
and I run the occasional group drill
to see how fast we can shred evidence
415
00:20:24,411 --> 00:20:26,704
but that's it.
Most days you'll be able to avoid
416
00:20:26,747 --> 00:20:28,456
even talking to another person here.
- Perfect.
417
00:20:28,707 --> 00:20:30,624
Happy to be a part of the not-team!
418
00:20:30,792 --> 00:20:32,209
It'll be a pleasure not hanging
out with you.
419
00:20:34,129 --> 00:20:36,589
Alright, let's begin negotiations.
420
00:20:36,715 --> 00:20:40,217
Now we would like to discuss
various trades that we could make.
421
00:20:40,260 --> 00:20:41,385
We're not negotiating.
422
00:20:41,511 --> 00:20:45,055
See, Fake Eleanor and I,
we "bro'd" down pretty hard last night.
423
00:20:45,474 --> 00:20:47,308
We hooked up.
- No we didn't!
424
00:20:47,350 --> 00:20:51,604
Yeah, but who are they gonna believe,
me or a woman?
425
00:20:52,189 --> 00:20:53,481
THEY LAUGH
426
00:20:53,565 --> 00:20:57,401
Point is, she knows that she doesn't
belong here, and she's giving up.
427
00:20:59,237 --> 00:21:02,072
Is this true, Fake Eleanor?
Are you giving up?
428
00:21:02,115 --> 00:21:04,950
Yeah, of course she is.
She knows this place isn't for her.
429
00:21:05,368 --> 00:21:06,994
Let's go, dingdong. Come on.
430
00:21:10,957 --> 00:21:12,500
No. I'm not leaving.
431
00:21:12,584 --> 00:21:14,668
Oh, come on, sweetheart,
we've been through this.
432
00:21:14,711 --> 00:21:17,171
You know you don't belong here.
433
00:21:17,255 --> 00:21:18,881
You're right. I don't.
434
00:21:21,968 --> 00:21:23,344
But I want to.
435
00:21:24,012 --> 00:21:26,597
I used to never want
to be a part of any group.
436
00:21:27,140 --> 00:21:28,891
But I'm a different person now
437
00:21:29,976 --> 00:21:32,812
because of the person who helped me.
438
00:21:33,772 --> 00:21:35,022
And I want to be like him.
439
00:21:35,482 --> 00:21:37,691
I want to be like
all the people who are here.
440
00:21:38,193 --> 00:21:39,568
You can, Eleanor!
441
00:21:40,195 --> 00:21:41,612
Thanks, Real Eleanor!
442
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:45,407
And I love that you never call me
Fake Eleanor.
443
00:21:45,742 --> 00:21:46,909
You really are great.
444
00:21:47,202 --> 00:21:50,412
Ugh. Unless you two
are gonna make out, shut up.
445
00:21:50,872 --> 00:21:52,540
Look, if you don't come with us
446
00:21:52,582 --> 00:21:55,084
we're gonna have to turn
this matter over to Shawn.
447
00:21:55,210 --> 00:21:57,753
Oh! Oh, no! Um... Shawn? Really?
448
00:21:57,796 --> 00:21:59,839
Wait, who's Shawn?
449
00:22:00,173 --> 00:22:02,842
He's the wise, eternal Judge,
who sits on high
450
00:22:03,468 --> 00:22:06,720
has the final say on all disputes
between our two realms.
451
00:22:07,138 --> 00:22:09,265
And his name is "Shawn?"
452
00:22:09,391 --> 00:22:11,892
Okay, look. I don't want
Shawn involved either.
453
00:22:11,935 --> 00:22:15,145
So how about you blow us away
with an offer so we can end this.
454
00:22:16,815 --> 00:22:17,690
Okay.
455
00:22:19,276 --> 00:22:20,484
Here's my offer.
456
00:22:23,530 --> 00:22:26,073
You get nothing!
457
00:22:26,992 --> 00:22:30,327
We're not letting Fake Eleanor go,
and we're not giving you anything.
458
00:22:30,370 --> 00:22:31,287
Get 'em, Michael!
459
00:22:31,329 --> 00:22:34,331
You can summon every
evil creature you have
460
00:22:34,374 --> 00:22:38,294
every weapon in your arsenal,
every four-headed flying bear
461
00:22:38,545 --> 00:22:39,420
they have them down there
462
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:41,714
but we are not giving up!
463
00:22:41,965 --> 00:22:45,175
I believe that Eleanor
belongs in the Good Place.
464
00:22:45,343 --> 00:22:47,720
And if I'm wrong,
you can take her to the Bad Place
465
00:22:47,762 --> 00:22:50,347
and punish her all you want,
just really go to town on her!
466
00:22:50,473 --> 00:22:51,557
Gah! Easy, buddy. Easy.
467
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:52,892
But she's staying here.
468
00:22:53,268 --> 00:22:55,019
Now, all of you
469
00:22:56,104 --> 00:22:58,063
get the fork out of my Neighbourhood.
470
00:23:01,943 --> 00:23:05,321
HE LAUGHS
You're on borrowed time, Fake Eleanor.
471
00:23:05,655 --> 00:23:08,157
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Let's roll, dummies.
472
00:23:08,575 --> 00:23:10,534
DANA:
Let's get one drink for the road.
473
00:23:10,785 --> 00:23:12,286
ALEXIS:
Did you guys hear any of that?
474
00:23:13,330 --> 00:23:14,997
DOOR CLOSES
- Oh, my...
475
00:23:15,957 --> 00:23:18,167
TAHANI:
Bravo, Michael! Really!
476
00:23:30,263 --> 00:23:31,597
Hello, Jianyu.
477
00:23:32,807 --> 00:23:33,849
You got sloppy.
478
00:23:34,517 --> 00:23:36,644
I found your junk food
all over the house.
479
00:23:37,437 --> 00:23:41,023
And then last night,
you knew how to tap a keg.
480
00:23:41,316 --> 00:23:45,861
So I thought I would come in here
and investigate your little "meditation den"
481
00:23:46,029 --> 00:23:48,197
and what I found was this.
482
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:52,076
Now, I don't know who you are
483
00:23:52,577 --> 00:23:56,246
but I do know that you're not
a Buddhist monk.
484
00:23:57,290 --> 00:23:59,375
So let's chat, shall we?