1
00:00:04,734 --> 00:00:05,901
DOOR OPENS

2
00:00:07,654 --> 00:00:09,530
Eleanor? Come on in.

3
00:00:11,366 --> 00:00:15,035
Well, not often you get to confront
your greatest failure face to face.

4
00:00:15,453 --> 00:00:16,495
Good to see you too, bud.

5
00:00:16,621 --> 00:00:18,830
I am just dumbfounded
as to how this happened.

6
00:00:19,332 --> 00:00:22,501
Our system has never made
a mistake before.

7
00:00:22,627 --> 00:00:23,585
It's just not possible.

8
00:00:24,170 --> 00:00:25,128
And yet, here we are.

9
00:00:26,339 --> 00:00:27,422
First things first.

10
00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:32,177
Who are you?
- Well, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

11
00:00:32,470 --> 00:00:34,179
And some of the info you had
was right.

12
00:00:34,514 --> 00:00:37,349
I mean, "flattened by a boner pill truck

13
00:00:37,642 --> 00:00:40,435
after dropping margarita mix
in grocery store parking lot"

14
00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:41,937
that's a very "me" way to die.

15
00:00:42,272 --> 00:00:44,481
But all the other info was wrong.

16
00:00:45,108 --> 00:00:48,026
In my defence,
when I first arrived and you said

17
00:00:48,152 --> 00:00:50,696
"You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead,
and you're in the Good Place"

18
00:00:50,822 --> 00:00:53,782
I had no reason to think
that was a mistake.

19
00:00:56,452 --> 00:00:58,120
Location and date of birth, please?

20
00:00:58,621 --> 00:01:01,498
Phoenix, Arizona. October 14th, 1986.

21
00:01:02,458 --> 00:01:05,586
So, sorry, that's what I used to tell
people when I lied about my age.

22
00:01:06,588 --> 00:01:09,089
I was born in 1982.

23
00:01:09,299 --> 00:01:11,800
You lied so much you forgot
your own birthdate.

24
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:13,802
Not a great start.

25
00:01:14,262 --> 00:01:17,139
But it should be enough
for Janet to locate your file.

26
00:01:17,473 --> 00:01:18,849
Janet?
- JANET BEEPS

27
00:01:20,143 --> 00:01:23,562
Janet?
- What's that? What's that?

28
00:01:23,771 --> 00:01:25,147
JANET GASPS:
What's this?

29
00:01:26,983 --> 00:01:29,067
Her memory's still being rebooted because

30
00:01:29,485 --> 00:01:30,902
oh, you know
someone murdered her.

31
00:01:31,904 --> 00:01:35,073
Janet, could you please locate
the file for an Eleanor Shellstrop

32
00:01:35,158 --> 00:01:38,118
born in 1982.
- Yes.

33
00:01:38,328 --> 00:01:40,287
Phoenix, Arizona, USA.

34
00:01:40,455 --> 00:01:42,372
Sure! Anything else?

35
00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:45,834
No, Janet, this is actually a cactus.

36
00:01:48,546 --> 00:01:50,922
This might take a while.
- JANET: Wee!

37
00:02:03,102 --> 00:02:07,314
Since Janet can't retrieve your file,
I need to find another way

38
00:02:07,523 --> 00:02:09,524
to determine
what kind of person you were.

39
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,736
This is a quick litmus test.

40
00:02:13,321 --> 00:02:14,488
A handful of questions

41
00:02:14,697 --> 00:02:17,949
designed to tell whether you were
fundamentally good or bad.

42
00:02:18,368 --> 00:02:19,409
Question number one.

43
00:02:19,494 --> 00:02:22,412
Did you ever wrongfully slaughter
your kinsman's yak?

44
00:02:24,916 --> 00:02:28,251
Oh, sorry. This is the nomadic
Mongolian edition.

45
00:02:29,087 --> 00:02:32,005
I need to grab the North American.

46
00:02:32,090 --> 00:02:33,298
Yep, here we go.

47
00:02:34,759 --> 00:02:37,928
Question number one.
Did you ever commit a serious crime

48
00:02:38,262 --> 00:02:40,597
such as murder, sexual harassment

49
00:02:40,932 --> 00:02:43,141
arson, or otherwise?
- No.

50
00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:50,315
Did you ever have a vanity license plate
like "Mama's BMW," "Lexus4Liz"

51
00:02:50,483 --> 00:02:52,484
or "Boobguy?"
- No.

52
00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:55,112
Did you ever reheat fish
in an office microwave?

53
00:02:55,196 --> 00:02:57,447
Ew... No.
- Have you ever paid money

54
00:02:57,532 --> 00:03:00,325
to hear music performed by California
funk rock band

55
00:03:00,410 --> 00:03:01,702
"The Red Hot Chili Peppers?"

56
00:03:01,953 --> 00:03:04,246
No.
- Where you ever a waiter

57
00:03:04,539 --> 00:03:08,500
and when seeing a customer
who had eaten all his or her food

58
00:03:08,918 --> 00:03:12,045
you said sarcastically,
"I guess you hated it?"

59
00:03:12,255 --> 00:03:14,923
No.
- Michael: Have you ever used the word hubby?

60
00:03:15,174 --> 00:03:18,343
Or referred to the department store
Target as "Tarjay"?

61
00:03:18,428 --> 00:03:19,469
No.

62
00:03:20,972 --> 00:03:23,974
Did you ever take off your shoes
and socks on a commercial airline?

63
00:03:24,016 --> 00:03:26,768
And socks? Ew. Who would do that?

64
00:03:27,979 --> 00:03:31,314
People who go to the Bad Place,
Eleanor, that's the point.

65
00:03:31,649 --> 00:03:35,485
The Bad Place is every bit
as awful as the Good Place is good.

66
00:03:35,653 --> 00:03:38,739
And unless I can figure out
a compelling reason to keep you here

67
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you will spend eternity

68
00:03:41,117 --> 00:03:44,911
with murderers and arsonists,
and people who take off their shoes

69
00:03:45,163 --> 00:03:47,622
and socks on commercial airlines.

70
00:03:48,541 --> 00:03:51,543
CLEARS THROAT: Janet, can I have a glass
of water, please?

71
00:03:51,836 --> 00:03:53,962
JANET BEEPS
- Here you go!

72
00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:56,548
Oh, gosh! You said "water"?

73
00:03:56,841 --> 00:03:59,384
Yeah.
- I'm so sorry. There you go.

74
00:04:00,386 --> 00:04:01,428
ELEANOR SIGHS

75
00:04:04,348 --> 00:04:07,309
I really do have sympathy
for your situation.

76
00:04:07,894 --> 00:04:10,103
I mean, you thought your soulmate
was a good person

77
00:04:10,229 --> 00:04:12,522
and then you learned
that she's just an immoral grifter.

78
00:04:12,607 --> 00:04:16,485
Tahani, please.
- Am I wrong? She lied to everyone.

79
00:04:16,736 --> 00:04:19,696
She caused a giant sinkhole,
into which poor Glenn fell.

80
00:04:19,822 --> 00:04:21,490
She caused a trash storm. She...

81
00:04:22,074 --> 00:04:24,075
Well, she pretended to be my friend

82
00:04:24,619 --> 00:04:25,952
when I really needed one.

83
00:04:26,329 --> 00:04:29,414
And lest we forget, she murdered Janet!

84
00:04:29,874 --> 00:04:32,000
As far as I'm concerned,
the sooner she's gone

85
00:04:32,043 --> 00:04:33,293
the better off we'll all be.

86
00:04:33,461 --> 00:04:35,879
I... I understand that Eleanor
violated our trust.

87
00:04:35,963 --> 00:04:37,297
But please

88
00:04:37,340 --> 00:04:38,465
when you're talking to Michael

89
00:04:38,549 --> 00:04:40,884
try to think about
what she's had to go through.

90
00:04:42,595 --> 00:04:45,889
All right. I will, for you.

91
00:04:47,183 --> 00:04:48,308
But we've been through
a lot as well.

92
00:04:48,559 --> 00:04:50,477
You know, I haven't been
this upset since my good friend Taylor

93
00:04:50,561 --> 00:04:52,270
was rudely upstaged
by my other friend Kanye

94
00:04:52,355 --> 00:04:54,481
who was defending
my best friend Beyoncé.

95
00:04:56,025 --> 00:04:58,193
And finally, a multi-part question.

96
00:04:58,569 --> 00:05:01,279
Did you ever appear on
the American television programme

97
00:05:01,364 --> 00:05:03,698
"The Bachelor,"
or its companion shows

98
00:05:03,825 --> 00:05:06,284
"The Bachelorette"
and "Bachelor in Paradise"

99
00:05:06,410 --> 00:05:08,703
or work on them in any capacity

100
00:05:09,205 --> 00:05:13,124
or post on any social media site
that you were

101
00:05:13,543 --> 00:05:17,420
emotionally invested in
any of the "relationships"

102
00:05:17,547 --> 00:05:19,881
the contestants were pursuing?
- No.

103
00:05:20,550 --> 00:05:25,345
OK! You did very well
on the questionnaire, Eleanor.

104
00:05:25,471 --> 00:05:26,513
So far, so good.

105
00:05:26,597 --> 00:05:28,473
JANET BEEPS
- Michael? Good news.

106
00:05:28,558 --> 00:05:31,017
I was able to obtain
Eleanor Shellstrop's file.

107
00:05:31,394 --> 00:05:33,478
Would you like to see it?
- Yes, Janet, I would.

108
00:05:34,188 --> 00:05:35,647
But, first...
- MICHAEL SIGHS

109
00:05:36,315 --> 00:05:37,607
Is it actually a cactus?

110
00:05:37,817 --> 00:05:38,859
I don't understand.

111
00:05:38,943 --> 00:05:41,611
I want to see the file
for Eleanor Shellstrop.

112
00:05:41,737 --> 00:05:44,531
Is that what you have?
Or do you have a cactus?

113
00:05:44,740 --> 00:05:45,907
I have the file.
- You're sure.

114
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,952
You have the file, and not a cactus.
- That is correct.

115
00:05:49,036 --> 00:05:52,330
I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file.
I do not have a cactus.

116
00:05:53,082 --> 00:05:56,126
Excellent. Please give me the file.
- Here you go!

117
00:05:57,461 --> 00:05:58,628
Thank you, Janet.
- You're welcome!

118
00:05:58,713 --> 00:05:59,754
JANET BEEPS

119
00:06:00,339 --> 00:06:02,299
Well, I say we call it a day.

120
00:06:02,592 --> 00:06:04,175
I mean, I nailed the questionnaire

121
00:06:04,343 --> 00:06:06,344
and you're swimming in cacti.

122
00:06:06,804 --> 00:06:10,891
Can't we just chalk this up
to a hilarious mistake, and move on?

123
00:06:11,017 --> 00:06:12,767
No, we can't, Eleanor.

124
00:06:12,852 --> 00:06:15,896
There's no such thing as a mistake,
in this realm.

125
00:06:16,188 --> 00:06:18,315
And yet you are, somehow,
a mistake.

126
00:06:18,649 --> 00:06:23,069
I mean you're a giant chunk
of spinach in the teeth of the universe.

127
00:06:29,911 --> 00:06:33,204
I need to understand every facet
of this disaster.

128
00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:35,415
Tell me a lie about yourself.

129
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:38,877
Any lie.
- I love the opera.

130
00:06:39,086 --> 00:06:40,003
BOX BUZZES

131
00:06:40,546 --> 00:06:43,173
And now a truth.
- I love women's MMA.

132
00:06:43,341 --> 00:06:44,215
BOX PEEPS

133
00:06:44,383 --> 00:06:45,800
We don't like to use this.

134
00:06:45,843 --> 00:06:48,386
We've never really had a call for it,
before you.

135
00:06:48,471 --> 00:06:50,972
But in the interest of time,
Eleanor...

136
00:06:51,849 --> 00:06:53,516
Did you murder Janet?

137
00:06:54,101 --> 00:06:56,603
No, I did not.
- BOX PEEPS

138
00:06:57,813 --> 00:07:00,148
Do you know who did?
- Yes.

139
00:07:01,192 --> 00:07:04,027
Will you tell me who it was?
- No.

140
00:07:04,278 --> 00:07:05,320
BOX PEEPS

141
00:07:05,696 --> 00:07:10,283
I assume it was one of your friends,
and I admire you for protecting him or her.

142
00:07:10,576 --> 00:07:14,579
But, Eleanor, in the Good Place,
there's no room for bad people

143
00:07:14,747 --> 00:07:18,500
or bad actions,
so anyone involved in the murder of Janet

144
00:07:18,668 --> 00:07:20,835
will be reviewed and judged.

145
00:07:21,837 --> 00:07:23,546
And there will be consequences.

146
00:07:26,634 --> 00:07:28,176
Tahani? Come on in.

147
00:07:28,427 --> 00:07:29,386
Chidi.

148
00:07:30,638 --> 00:07:33,807
Imposter who soiled
our paradise with her moral turpitude.

149
00:07:34,308 --> 00:07:35,350
What's up?

150
00:07:36,352 --> 00:07:37,435
Thank you for confessing.

151
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:38,395
I don't know what I would
have done

152
00:07:38,437 --> 00:07:39,688
if you hadn't.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm amazing.

153
00:07:39,855 --> 00:07:42,816
Bad news.
Michael knows I didn't kill Janet

154
00:07:42,984 --> 00:07:46,319
which means it's only a matter of time
before he finds out that you did.

155
00:07:46,570 --> 00:07:48,905
And that you did it
because you were trying to stop

156
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:50,949
Bonehead Jones over here.
- Hey, homies!

157
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,159
Then he'll figure out
that Jianyu's also a phony

158
00:07:53,452 --> 00:07:56,162
and here's the real dongbuster

159
00:07:56,414 --> 00:08:00,542
Michael said anybody who did anything
bad might have to go...

160
00:08:01,335 --> 00:08:03,128
Oh!
- Which means Jianyu's gone

161
00:08:03,212 --> 00:08:04,170
you might be gone

162
00:08:04,338 --> 00:08:06,548
and all three of us are
royally forking forked.

163
00:08:06,632 --> 00:08:08,425
So now I might get sent to the Bad Place?

164
00:08:09,802 --> 00:08:11,928
This is terrible!
What am I supposed to do if he asks me?

165
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:14,431
I don't know. Kant would say...

166
00:08:15,057 --> 00:08:17,434
that lying in any scenario is wrong

167
00:08:17,518 --> 00:08:20,979
so if Michael asks if you killed Janet,
you should say "yes".

168
00:08:21,230 --> 00:08:24,566
On the other hand,
snitches do get stitches.

169
00:08:24,650 --> 00:08:26,317
That is true.
I read that once

170
00:08:26,402 --> 00:08:28,319
on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.

171
00:08:28,404 --> 00:08:30,447
And you just casually cited
Immanuel Kant.

172
00:08:30,906 --> 00:08:32,866
I mean I know we're in a miserable
bind here, but

173
00:08:33,576 --> 00:08:35,035
this might be
the proudest day of my life.

174
00:08:35,161 --> 00:08:37,620
No offense,
but that's a real bummer of a life.

175
00:08:39,582 --> 00:08:42,375
Tahani. I'll get right to the crux
of the matter.

176
00:08:43,002 --> 00:08:45,420
Did you murder Janet?
- Absolutely not!

177
00:08:45,713 --> 00:08:46,755
BOX PEEPS

178
00:08:47,965 --> 00:08:50,133
Now you've spent a lot of time
with Eleanor.

179
00:08:50,509 --> 00:08:51,593
Why do you think that is?

180
00:08:51,886 --> 00:08:53,720
Well, people are just drawn to me.

181
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:57,265
You know, one of my shyest friends,
I won't say his name to preserve his privacy

182
00:08:57,349 --> 00:08:59,476
but he found my presence
so comforting

183
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,687
that he asked me to co-host
his TV show, "Anderson Cooper 360".

184
00:09:02,730 --> 00:09:05,732
BOX PEEPS
- Given what you learned about Eleanor

185
00:09:06,108 --> 00:09:08,193
do you think she deserves to be here?

186
00:09:10,529 --> 00:09:11,571
Well...

187
00:09:13,157 --> 00:09:16,868
You know if it were up to me,
I might find a way to look past her, um...

188
00:09:18,245 --> 00:09:19,287
deficiencies.

189
00:09:19,663 --> 00:09:20,997
But it's not up to me, is it?

190
00:09:21,207 --> 00:09:23,500
There are some criteria
that she unfortunately just

191
00:09:23,584 --> 00:09:24,959
didn't meet in her time on Earth.

192
00:09:25,169 --> 00:09:27,087
So you think that
I should send her to the Bad Place?

193
00:09:27,421 --> 00:09:28,880
Well, I didn't say that.

194
00:09:29,215 --> 00:09:32,926
But is her staying here unfair
to those who earned their place?

195
00:09:33,260 --> 00:09:35,136
It sounds like you want her to leave.

196
00:09:35,387 --> 00:09:40,975
Well, is it not she who wants us
to leave her?

197
00:09:42,061 --> 00:09:44,395
Thank you, Tahani, you've been a big help.
- BOX BUZZES

198
00:09:46,482 --> 00:09:47,565
Listen up, genius.

199
00:09:47,650 --> 00:09:49,150
He's gonna call you in there,
in a second.

200
00:09:49,235 --> 00:09:50,610
Don't worry, I got you.

201
00:09:50,694 --> 00:09:54,239
I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb
and that you got a dope soul an hella ethics.

202
00:09:54,490 --> 00:09:56,866
And he'll be all, "thanks, Jianyu".

203
00:09:57,034 --> 00:09:59,244
"You just freaked my being for real".

204
00:09:59,620 --> 00:10:01,830
Oh, boy. No.
Don't say any of that.

205
00:10:02,248 --> 00:10:03,998
Michael has a lie detector in there.

206
00:10:04,083 --> 00:10:05,625
It's, uh... it's a glowing cube.

207
00:10:05,835 --> 00:10:06,835
Like the All-Spark?

208
00:10:07,419 --> 00:10:08,878
From Transformers?
- Sure.

209
00:10:08,963 --> 00:10:11,172
Uh, just like the All-Spark,
from Transformers and...

210
00:10:11,257 --> 00:10:13,883
and he'll know instantly
if you're lying about anything, so...

211
00:10:14,260 --> 00:10:16,678
only "smiles and nods," got it?

212
00:10:16,929 --> 00:10:18,138
DOOR OPENS

213
00:10:20,141 --> 00:10:21,516
Jianyu, come on in.

214
00:10:27,106 --> 00:10:29,149
ELEANOR SIGHS
- DOOR CLOSES

215
00:10:30,568 --> 00:10:34,529
Wise, sage, centered Jianyu.

216
00:10:36,198 --> 00:10:38,700
I seek your wisdom
in this moment of crisis.

217
00:10:38,784 --> 00:10:39,826
MICHAEL SIGHS

218
00:10:40,244 --> 00:10:43,079
What to do with Eleanor?
Should I let her stay?

219
00:10:44,039 --> 00:10:45,623
Should I send her away?

220
00:10:46,959 --> 00:10:49,836
You think I should send her away?

221
00:10:50,713 --> 00:10:53,381
No, I should let her stay?

222
00:10:53,632 --> 00:10:58,052
Or "No, I shouldn't let her stay,
because she doesn't belong here?"

223
00:10:58,470 --> 00:11:01,806
Or, "no, I shouldn't let her stay,
even though she does belong here?"

224
00:11:03,225 --> 00:11:06,352
Oh, Jianyu, I wish I had your wisdom.

225
00:11:07,104 --> 00:11:10,732
Your devotion to the noble truths
has given you something that I don't have -

226
00:11:10,774 --> 00:11:11,816
clarity.

227
00:11:12,693 --> 00:11:13,902
It was Buddha who said

228
00:11:15,070 --> 00:11:18,781
"If a man lives a pure life,
nothing can destroy him."

229
00:11:19,450 --> 00:11:20,491
I'm not a man

230
00:11:20,659 --> 00:11:22,243
and I've lived no "life"

231
00:11:23,370 --> 00:11:24,954
so will this destroy me?

232
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:26,247
Ouch!

233
00:11:29,335 --> 00:11:31,669
Oh, of course.

234
00:11:32,504 --> 00:11:35,548
A cactus on its own intends no harm

235
00:11:35,633 --> 00:11:39,010
it's only when we interfere
that it becomes dangerous.

236
00:11:39,261 --> 00:11:41,471
I need to remember
my own agency here.

237
00:11:42,264 --> 00:11:45,266
Oh, thank you, Jianyu.

238
00:11:45,684 --> 00:11:46,726
You're free to go.

239
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,772
Oh. Yes, of course, help yourself.

240
00:11:51,148 --> 00:11:52,482
I've got plenty of those.

241
00:11:56,904 --> 00:11:57,946
Chidi? Come on in.

242
00:11:58,447 --> 00:12:00,698
JANET BEEPS
- Hi there! I have Eleanor's file.

243
00:12:00,824 --> 00:12:04,702
Janet, if you hand me a cactus
I swear I will lose my mind.

244
00:12:06,413 --> 00:12:08,623
Oh! Yes! All right!
Here we go.

245
00:12:08,832 --> 00:12:11,292
Eleanor, come back in.
Chidi, you stay here.

246
00:12:13,420 --> 00:12:19,050
This file contains a list
of every good and bad thing you ever did.

247
00:12:19,385 --> 00:12:22,845
It's your entire life told through
a compendium of all of your actions.

248
00:12:23,722 --> 00:12:25,890
Nope.
It's a picture of a cactus...

249
00:12:26,392 --> 00:12:30,395
dozens and dozens and dozens
of pictures of the same cactus.

250
00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:34,399
Oh, no, wait. Here we go.

251
00:12:35,109 --> 00:12:36,734
Well, it's incomplete but...

252
00:12:37,403 --> 00:12:41,990
there appear to be some references
to the highest impact events from your life.

253
00:12:42,116 --> 00:12:44,993
That's the, uh... biggest positive
and negative point swings.

254
00:12:45,494 --> 00:12:47,787
So, "Little Julie?"
Now who's that?

255
00:12:48,038 --> 00:12:49,247
Julie is my cousin's daughter.

256
00:12:49,373 --> 00:12:53,960
Her mom is kind of a mess,
so I used to take her to the mall sometimes

257
00:12:54,003 --> 00:12:55,545
and bought her churro dogs.

258
00:12:56,213 --> 00:12:59,424
It's a hot dog,
but the bun is two churros

259
00:13:00,092 --> 00:13:02,510
and it's tied together
with a Slim Jim.

260
00:13:03,470 --> 00:13:05,972
It's an Arizona delicacy.
- Oh, sounds awful

261
00:13:06,181 --> 00:13:08,516
but it's very nice
that you made that girl happy.

262
00:13:09,893 --> 00:13:11,019
So. What's this?

263
00:13:11,103 --> 00:13:12,145
Cool Thredz

264
00:13:12,396 --> 00:13:15,648
Glendale Arizona's
Premiere T-shirt Emporium?"

265
00:13:15,733 --> 00:13:18,651
Uh... can we skip around and...
and circle back?

266
00:13:18,777 --> 00:13:20,570
How about I tell you more
about those churro dogs?

267
00:13:20,946 --> 00:13:24,282
They came with unlimited ranch dressing.
- Let's hear about the T-shirts, please.

268
00:13:24,658 --> 00:13:25,700
ELEANOR SQUEALS

269
00:13:25,951 --> 00:13:30,079
Okay. I'll tell you, and I'm going to be
one hundred percent honest.

270
00:13:30,748 --> 00:13:35,126
But it doesn't make me look
great so don't judge me.

271
00:13:35,711 --> 00:13:39,088
That's literally the purpose
of this entire exercise.

272
00:13:43,344 --> 00:13:47,597
Okay. To understand this, you have to know
about my roommate, Madison.

273
00:13:48,515 --> 00:13:50,475
She was terrible.
- ELEANOR: Hey, Mads?

274
00:13:50,851 --> 00:13:53,144
Um, I have to go to
this stupid work party tonight.

275
00:13:53,604 --> 00:13:54,896
Can I borrow your peach dress?

276
00:13:55,105 --> 00:13:57,273
Ooh, it's a hard no, babe.

277
00:13:57,733 --> 00:13:59,108
That dress is like twice your salary.

278
00:13:59,777 --> 00:14:03,279
And I gotta go to the DMV
and pick up my vanity plates. Ciao, bitches!

279
00:14:03,655 --> 00:14:05,114
DOOR CLOSES

280
00:14:17,544 --> 00:14:18,586
DRESS RIPS

281
00:14:25,219 --> 00:14:26,886
Well, that's... that's not great.

282
00:14:27,763 --> 00:14:30,264
But I assume you confessed,
and paid to fix it?

283
00:14:30,432 --> 00:14:31,474
Not exactly.

284
00:14:32,059 --> 00:14:34,685
Hey, losers, I'm going out.
Can you zip me?

285
00:14:35,479 --> 00:14:37,105
Dude, that dress is hella ripped.

286
00:14:37,564 --> 00:14:38,815
What?
- BRITTANY LAUGHS

287
00:14:39,733 --> 00:14:41,734
Ugh! That stupid dry cleaner!

288
00:14:42,027 --> 00:14:44,821
Well, that's the risk you take
when you keep your clothes clean.

289
00:14:44,905 --> 00:14:47,657
My mom's a lawyer.
Those asswipes are gonna pay.

290
00:14:48,033 --> 00:14:50,368
She sued for nine hundred dollars,
for the dress

291
00:14:50,702 --> 00:14:53,454
and eighty million dollars
in emotional distress.

292
00:14:53,831 --> 00:14:56,082
The legal fees drove the dry cleaner
out of business.

293
00:14:56,166 --> 00:15:01,421
Oh, boy. Wait, this story is
about T-shirts.

294
00:15:02,506 --> 00:15:03,548
There's more, isn't there?

295
00:15:04,299 --> 00:15:05,341
A little.

296
00:15:05,801 --> 00:15:07,051
Check this out.

297
00:15:07,219 --> 00:15:10,388
Somebody put the dry cleaner's story
online and it went viral.

298
00:15:10,597 --> 00:15:11,889
Madison's famous.

299
00:15:12,641 --> 00:15:15,059
The "Dress Bitch"? Yikes.

300
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:17,186
Serves her right.
Madison is psycho.

301
00:15:17,271 --> 00:15:18,688
She totally overreacted.

302
00:15:19,064 --> 00:15:23,025
This is her fault.
- Yeah. Her fault. That works.

303
00:15:23,819 --> 00:15:26,529
You guys, what is happening?

304
00:15:27,030 --> 00:15:28,573
Someone egged my Lexus!

305
00:15:28,782 --> 00:15:31,701
And I have like forty thousand
tweets calling me the "Dress Bitch"!

306
00:15:31,952 --> 00:15:33,870
Over a loser dry cleaner man?

307
00:15:34,121 --> 00:15:36,080
Why is everyone so jealous of me?

308
00:15:36,790 --> 00:15:39,667
This is a trash city full of idiots!

309
00:15:41,378 --> 00:15:42,545
BRITTANY LAUGHS

310
00:15:43,255 --> 00:15:45,506
The "Dress Bitch" is so catchy.
- Yeah.

311
00:15:45,591 --> 00:15:47,133
I mean someone could totally
make T-shirts.

312
00:15:48,051 --> 00:15:49,385
Oh!

313
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:51,012
No, no, no, no.

314
00:15:52,139 --> 00:15:55,558
Do not tell me that
you made T-shirts that said that

315
00:15:55,601 --> 00:15:57,685
and then sold them for a profit.

316
00:15:58,187 --> 00:15:59,562
I wish I could tell you that, bud.

317
00:15:59,646 --> 00:16:01,355
ELEANOR SIGHS
I really do.

318
00:16:02,024 --> 00:16:05,109
Girl, check it out!
They're here!

319
00:16:06,778 --> 00:16:08,946
Wait a second.
Is this insane?

320
00:16:09,198 --> 00:16:10,406
I mean should we be doing this?

321
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:12,492
Dude! Madison brought this on herself,
okay.

322
00:16:12,576 --> 00:16:15,703
She's a nightmare of a person,
to everybody.

323
00:16:15,954 --> 00:16:17,872
Plus we already have a ton of pre-orders.

324
00:16:18,373 --> 00:16:20,500
Here is your first cut of the profits!

325
00:16:20,876 --> 00:16:22,251
Holy mama!

326
00:16:24,087 --> 00:16:25,755
I can't believe you sold the T-shirts.

327
00:16:26,298 --> 00:16:28,549
Does it help if they basically
sold themselves?

328
00:16:28,884 --> 00:16:30,343
I think you know it does not.

329
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:32,762
What did you do with the money?

330
00:16:33,222 --> 00:16:35,598
I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that.

331
00:16:40,896 --> 00:16:42,063
Thanks, babe!

332
00:16:46,318 --> 00:16:47,360
Next question!

333
00:16:48,487 --> 00:16:49,779
Eleanor.

334
00:16:51,031 --> 00:16:54,742
Given what you know about the people
who've been brought here

335
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:56,661
the lives they've lead.

336
00:16:57,746 --> 00:16:59,664
Do you think you belong in the Good Place?

337
00:17:01,208 --> 00:17:04,001
No. I don't.
- BOX PEEPS

338
00:17:11,969 --> 00:17:13,803
TREVOR:
<i>Hello? Bad Place. What's up, idiot?</i>

339
00:17:13,887 --> 00:17:17,682
Hello. This is Michael, the Architect
from Neighbourhood one-two...

340
00:17:17,766 --> 00:17:20,601
<i>TREVOR: Psyche! We're not here right now,
so leave a message after the beep.</i>

341
00:17:20,769 --> 00:17:23,062
I hate calling these guys.

342
00:17:23,897 --> 00:17:26,232
Hello, uh... this is Michael

343
00:17:26,316 --> 00:17:29,277
the Architect from Neighbourho--
<i>- Double psyche! We are here.</i>

344
00:17:29,319 --> 00:17:30,194
<i>Who dis?</i>

345
00:17:31,321 --> 00:17:32,321
This is Michael

346
00:17:32,364 --> 00:17:35,992
the Architect from Good Place
Neighbourhood 1-2-3-5-8-W.

347
00:17:36,952 --> 00:17:39,370
I'm guessing
you've been looking for someone...

348
00:17:41,164 --> 00:17:43,416
called "Eleanor Shellstrop".

349
00:17:45,002 --> 00:17:46,627
She's here. Come and get her.

350
00:17:51,883 --> 00:17:54,135
STEAM HISSES
- BRAKES SQUEAL

351
00:17:54,177 --> 00:17:55,219
TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDS

352
00:17:58,765 --> 00:18:01,976
INDISTINCT CHATTER

353
00:18:06,982 --> 00:18:08,316
WOMAN:
Let's get out of here

354
00:18:13,447 --> 00:18:14,488
Hello, Trevor.

355
00:18:15,032 --> 00:18:17,158
Hey, there he is!
Good to see you again, Mikey!

356
00:18:17,242 --> 00:18:19,076
Think fast, I brought you something.

357
00:18:19,202 --> 00:18:20,661
Oh. Nuts! Thank you.

358
00:18:21,204 --> 00:18:22,788
Thank you. Ah! Wha--?

359
00:18:23,457 --> 00:18:25,082
BAD PLACE PEOPLE LAUGH

360
00:18:25,167 --> 00:18:27,793
Oh, flaming snake ate all
the nuts you brought me.

361
00:18:27,961 --> 00:18:30,004
Ugh. You're too nice to humiliate.

362
00:18:31,798 --> 00:18:33,215
Oh, hello. Hi.

363
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,010
You look like a piece of crap.
Are you Eleanor?

364
00:18:37,137 --> 00:18:39,680
Dude, you're like a legend
in the Bad Place.

365
00:18:40,349 --> 00:18:42,308
Check this out! Huh?

366
00:18:42,559 --> 00:18:43,934
BAD PLACE PEOPLE:
DRESS BITCH!

367
00:18:44,019 --> 00:18:45,061
Pretty great, right?

368
00:18:45,145 --> 00:18:48,939
Trevor, do you know what caused this mistake?
Because I cannot figure it out.

369
00:18:49,024 --> 00:18:51,442
Nah, we're stumped.
But, uh... don't sweat it, champ!

370
00:18:51,526 --> 00:18:54,320
She's definitely one of ours.
So we'll just roll on out

371
00:18:54,404 --> 00:18:55,571
and you can get back to, uh...

372
00:18:55,697 --> 00:18:58,240
Putting rainbows up your butt,
or whatever you do here.

373
00:18:58,492 --> 00:19:00,034
Okay,
let's hit it, sweetheart.

374
00:19:00,118 --> 00:19:01,160
We got a long ride.

375
00:19:01,495 --> 00:19:02,662
What? Right now?

376
00:19:02,954 --> 00:19:05,039
Trevor, for decency's sake

377
00:19:05,123 --> 00:19:06,290
let her have some goodbyes.

378
00:19:06,375 --> 00:19:08,709
Ugh! God, good people are the worst.

379
00:19:08,794 --> 00:19:11,128
Okay, uh... thirty minutes.

380
00:19:11,213 --> 00:19:12,588
We gotta get back for "The Bachelor".

381
00:19:12,839 --> 00:19:14,882
I'm gonna be pissed if
I miss the rose ceremony.

382
00:19:16,093 --> 00:19:18,636
I just want to say once more,
for the record

383
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:22,014
that this whole "Good-Bad" system
is bullshirt.

384
00:19:23,392 --> 00:19:26,519
There should be a Medium Place,
for people like me

385
00:19:26,812 --> 00:19:29,814
who kinda sucked,
but in like a fun, chill way.

386
00:19:30,315 --> 00:19:33,609
I agree. I'm sorry there isn't.

387
00:19:33,902 --> 00:19:37,947
I'm sorry I dragged you into this,
and that I never did laundry

388
00:19:39,199 --> 00:19:41,575
and that I waited until you were
about to do yours

389
00:19:41,660 --> 00:19:44,745
then secretly tossed mine into the basket
to trick you into doing it.

390
00:19:44,830 --> 00:19:47,081
You didn't trick me.
I repeatedly asked you to stop.

391
00:19:47,416 --> 00:19:50,543
Just know you did everything
you could to help me.

392
00:19:50,961 --> 00:19:53,254
You're a really good fake soulmate.

393
00:20:00,637 --> 00:20:02,263
KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
- DOOR OPENS

394
00:20:05,016 --> 00:20:06,100
What are you guys doing here?

395
00:20:06,393 --> 00:20:08,644
Well, we thought it was only proper
to see you off.

396
00:20:08,729 --> 00:20:10,104
It's the neighbourly thing to do.

397
00:20:13,024 --> 00:20:15,901
You guys came to say goodbye
because you're my friends.

398
00:20:15,986 --> 00:20:20,990
Well, I suppose
some part of me, possibly

399
00:20:21,074 --> 00:20:23,784
has a sense of casual kinship with you

400
00:20:24,911 --> 00:20:26,454
as much as one might be fond
of a street cat.

401
00:20:28,331 --> 00:20:29,373
Thanks, Tahani.

402
00:20:30,584 --> 00:20:31,876
I'm sorry for everything.

403
00:20:34,671 --> 00:20:35,880
I'm really glad we're friends.

404
00:20:36,089 --> 00:20:38,299
Oh! Goodbye forever.

405
00:20:39,259 --> 00:20:40,301
Jianyu.

406
00:20:44,347 --> 00:20:45,389
ELEANOR SIGHS

407
00:20:45,474 --> 00:20:47,349
TAHANI:
Jianyu keeps such a stoic face.

408
00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:50,603
I just hope he sends her off
with some sustaining wisdom.

409
00:20:52,355 --> 00:20:58,778
I hate to see you go,
but I love to watch you walk away.

410
00:20:59,571 --> 00:21:01,739
I really needed to hear that.
Thanks.

411
00:21:03,825 --> 00:21:05,367
Oh, hey dum-dum!
You ready to go?

412
00:21:05,911 --> 00:21:07,620
Oh. You must be Chidi.

413
00:21:08,079 --> 00:21:09,455
Trying to improve her?

414
00:21:09,831 --> 00:21:10,873
Bold plan, bro.

415
00:21:11,249 --> 00:21:13,834
Bold and stupid.
My favourite combo.

416
00:21:13,919 --> 00:21:15,544
Well, actually,
she learned a great deal

417
00:21:15,629 --> 00:21:17,421
in a very short amount of time.
- Oh, really? Really?

418
00:21:17,506 --> 00:21:19,423
I don't care.
All right, let's hit it.

419
00:21:19,633 --> 00:21:21,175
Oh, also you should smile more.

420
00:21:21,259 --> 00:21:23,636
You have such a pretty smile.
Love ya, babe.

421
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,137
Can't wait to torture you.

422
00:21:28,934 --> 00:21:31,811
This is the 3:18 to The Bad Place

423
00:21:31,895 --> 00:21:35,564
making thousands of stops
for literally no reason.

424
00:21:36,066 --> 00:21:39,443
Now as soon as you take your seats
we will pull away from the station

425
00:21:39,528 --> 00:21:42,530
and then immediately be
delayed for forty-nine minutes

426
00:21:42,781 --> 00:21:43,948
and not explain why.

427
00:21:44,407 --> 00:21:47,993
You'll notice it's very hot in here,
and it will get one degree hotter

428
00:21:48,328 --> 00:21:50,162
every time you think about how hot it is.

429
00:21:50,664 --> 00:21:52,873
Oops! You just thought about it.

430
00:21:55,043 --> 00:21:56,710
Michael!
- Oh, hi, Chidi.

431
00:21:57,212 --> 00:21:58,295
Want some pizza?

432
00:21:58,713 --> 00:22:02,049
Bad Place crew delivered a hundred
of these to my office.

433
00:22:02,133 --> 00:22:05,594
All Hawaiian, the worst pizza.
- Michael, I murdered Janet.

434
00:22:07,430 --> 00:22:09,431
I knew about Eleanor,
from the beginning.

435
00:22:09,474 --> 00:22:11,600
I've been trying to help her become
a better person

436
00:22:11,685 --> 00:22:13,269
and when she found out that
your "retirement" meant

437
00:22:13,311 --> 00:22:14,270
that you would be tortured

438
00:22:14,396 --> 00:22:16,021
she immediately tried to find
a way to prevent it.

439
00:22:16,106 --> 00:22:19,149
Which is why I ended up murdering Janet.

440
00:22:19,484 --> 00:22:23,487
The point is, Eleanor is learning.

441
00:22:23,572 --> 00:22:25,781
She's just doing it after she died.

442
00:22:26,533 --> 00:22:30,452
And you did bring her here so,
in many ways, this is your fault.

443
00:22:31,621 --> 00:22:35,124
Yes. Jianyu actually made that same point.

444
00:22:35,375 --> 00:22:36,500
He did?
- Mmm.

445
00:22:36,918 --> 00:22:41,171
Okay, look... I... I know you only
deal in black or white

446
00:22:41,423 --> 00:22:42,506
good or bad.

447
00:22:42,632 --> 00:22:45,426
But you said it yourself,
this situation is...

448
00:22:46,595 --> 00:22:47,636
unprecedented.

449
00:22:49,139 --> 00:22:50,848
I did enjoy her company.

450
00:22:52,517 --> 00:22:55,436
But this is not Little League.

451
00:22:55,979 --> 00:22:59,106
There is no award
for Most Improved Player, Chidi.

452
00:23:00,150 --> 00:23:01,609
Well, maybe there should be.

453
00:23:03,486 --> 00:23:04,361
One final note

454
00:23:04,571 --> 00:23:08,407
the dining car is at the very back
of the train.

455
00:23:08,783 --> 00:23:12,536
It serves only room temperature
Manhattan clam chowder

456
00:23:12,787 --> 00:23:14,747
and also it's closed.

457
00:23:15,624 --> 00:23:16,790
Okay! Here we go!

458
00:23:17,459 --> 00:23:19,793
STEAM HISSES

459
00:23:23,673 --> 00:23:25,883
MICHAEL: Stop this train!
- TRAIN SQUEALS TO A HALT

460
00:23:30,263 --> 00:23:31,555
Dude, what the fork?

461
00:23:31,765 --> 00:23:32,806
You're not leaving.

462
00:23:33,224 --> 00:23:36,435
Not with her. Not yet. Come on.

463
00:23:40,607 --> 00:23:41,941
Wait, you want to keep her?

464
00:23:42,525 --> 00:23:45,069
Bro, that's our girl!
We agreed on this!

465
00:23:45,278 --> 00:23:48,280
No, what we agreed on was
that this was a mistake.

466
00:23:48,531 --> 00:23:51,116
Trevor,
we're in uncharted territory here.

467
00:23:51,201 --> 00:23:53,744
Until we can sort this out,
she stays with us.

468
00:23:54,162 --> 00:23:55,204
All right, fine.

469
00:23:55,413 --> 00:23:58,248
But until this is resolved,
we're keeping the other Eleanor.

470
00:23:58,667 --> 00:23:59,750
Fine. What? I'm sorry.

471
00:24:00,251 --> 00:24:02,503
The other Eleanor?
Yeah, the real Eleanor.

472
00:24:02,587 --> 00:24:05,297
The one that was supposed to be here,
but got sent down to us instead.

473
00:24:05,382 --> 00:24:06,423
She's on the train.

474
00:24:07,258 --> 00:24:08,342
Eleanor! Come on out!

475
00:24:15,475 --> 00:24:17,893
Hi, everyone. I'm Eleanor Shellstrop.