1
00:00:01,731 --> 00:00:03,106
There's no escaping it.
2
00:00:04,317 --> 00:00:05,359
The problem...
3
00:00:06,986 --> 00:00:08,111
is me.
4
00:00:08,196 --> 00:00:09,696
EVERYONE GASPS
- And now...
5
00:00:11,115 --> 00:00:12,366
I have to leave you.
6
00:00:13,117 --> 00:00:14,701
Forever.
- CHIDI: Michael...
7
00:00:14,786 --> 00:00:17,454
You can't be the problem.
8
00:00:17,830 --> 00:00:18,872
Oh, but I am.
9
00:00:19,332 --> 00:00:21,542
You see, architects aren't supposed to live
10
00:00:21,793 --> 00:00:23,710
in the Neighbourhoods they design.
11
00:00:24,254 --> 00:00:27,589
But I love humans so I wanted to try.
12
00:00:27,799 --> 00:00:32,177
I took something great and I ruined it
a little so I could enjoy it more.
13
00:00:32,637 --> 00:00:34,471
I "frozen-yoghurted" the Neighbourhood.
14
00:00:35,056 --> 00:00:39,268
My meddling is the one true constant
in all of our disasters.
15
00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:45,774
I tried to force Jianyu into opening up,
which caused a sinkhole to open up.
16
00:00:46,526 --> 00:00:50,988
I kicked a puppy into the sun,
and garbage rained down.
17
00:00:51,614 --> 00:00:54,825
I grossly underestimated
the number of shrimp needed
18
00:00:54,909 --> 00:00:55,909
for the opening night party
19
00:00:56,369 --> 00:01:01,123
and what flew through the sky the next day,
taunting me for my failures?
20
00:01:01,624 --> 00:01:03,750
MICHAEL:
I'm sorry, everyone, I'm truly sorry.
21
00:01:04,127 --> 00:01:05,586
Janet?
- JANET BEEPS
22
00:01:05,670 --> 00:01:08,964
Please call a train to escort me
into retirement.
23
00:01:09,507 --> 00:01:12,050
You see, the only way in
and out of a Neighbourhood
24
00:01:12,135 --> 00:01:16,221
is by train and Janet is the only one
who can operate them.
25
00:01:17,015 --> 00:01:20,517
Oh, my dear Janet.
Will you be okay after I leave?
26
00:01:20,852 --> 00:01:24,271
Yes. This will not affect me in any way.
27
00:01:24,439 --> 00:01:26,189
Geez, show some compassion!
28
00:01:26,608 --> 00:01:31,945
Well, I can't feel "sad" but here's my best
approximation of human crying.
29
00:01:34,032 --> 00:01:35,991
Bah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
30
00:01:36,075 --> 00:01:38,243
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
31
00:01:42,206 --> 00:01:45,417
Oh, Janet. That was beautiful.
- Yeah.
32
00:01:52,842 --> 00:01:55,844
What did you say to him?
Did you make him do this, somehow?
33
00:01:56,012 --> 00:01:58,513
Nope! This was entirely his idea.
34
00:01:58,598 --> 00:02:00,474
Dude, this is good news.
35
00:02:00,642 --> 00:02:04,227
Michael's gonna get a chill retirement
which, frankly, he desperately needs
36
00:02:04,354 --> 00:02:06,146
and I can finally relax.
37
00:02:06,397 --> 00:02:08,982
It's forking perfect!
- No, it's terrible.
38
00:02:09,317 --> 00:02:11,485
Michael's wrong, he's not the problem.
39
00:02:11,569 --> 00:02:13,445
Well, Michael did bring me here
40
00:02:13,529 --> 00:02:16,114
which was the mistake
that led to all the other problems
41
00:02:16,699 --> 00:02:20,077
so in that sense he is the real problem.
42
00:02:20,411 --> 00:02:22,412
Ha! How do you like them ethics?
43
00:02:22,622 --> 00:02:24,915
I just "ethics-ed" you in the face, Chidi!
44
00:02:24,999 --> 00:02:27,250
It doesn't change the fact
that we weren't truthful.
45
00:02:27,543 --> 00:02:32,714
There's an old Chinese proverb
"Lies are like tigers, they are bad."
46
00:02:33,299 --> 00:02:35,258
That's it?
- It's more poetic in Mandarin.
47
00:02:35,385 --> 00:02:38,011
Look. Michael is retiring.
48
00:02:38,137 --> 00:02:42,099
He's gonna be on an angel boat somewhere
smoking moonbeam cigars.
49
00:02:42,475 --> 00:02:45,602
Now, Tahani is throwing him
a goodbye party. Let's go help out.
50
00:02:45,728 --> 00:02:49,272
Sure, that will more than make up
for the pain and misery and lying.
51
00:02:49,357 --> 00:02:50,857
Yes! Now you're getting it!
52
00:02:53,486 --> 00:02:57,906
Hey, Chidi! Just read your article
on logical positivism, so dry.
53
00:02:57,990 --> 00:02:59,157
Oh, thanks, Henry.
54
00:02:59,534 --> 00:03:01,284
Whoa. New boots?
55
00:03:01,369 --> 00:03:02,411
Oh! Yeah!
56
00:03:02,787 --> 00:03:05,956
Just got 'em. Saw them in the store
and I was just like, "Whoa!"
57
00:03:06,249 --> 00:03:08,417
And tell the truth. Do you like them?
58
00:03:09,043 --> 00:03:10,085
Oh.
59
00:03:11,796 --> 00:03:13,422
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah? You think so?
60
00:03:13,506 --> 00:03:14,756
They're... they are really cool.
61
00:03:14,841 --> 00:03:16,091
Not too red?
- No.
62
00:03:16,175 --> 00:03:17,342
Crystals are not too much.
63
00:03:17,427 --> 00:03:19,511
Crystals are not too much.
- They point just right, right?
64
00:03:19,595 --> 00:03:21,054
Just... just enough.
- Just fine. Ha!
65
00:03:21,347 --> 00:03:24,141
Well, that makes me feel so much better.
'cause I was really going back and forth
66
00:03:24,225 --> 00:03:25,559
over whether they were worth the money.
67
00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:26,643
They were super expensive.
68
00:03:27,311 --> 00:03:29,479
Yeah. Well, they're, uh... amazing.
69
00:03:29,647 --> 00:03:31,732
I mean those are the coolest boots
I've ever seen in my life.
70
00:03:32,108 --> 00:03:34,693
Thanks so much, buddy.
- Bye.
71
00:03:35,361 --> 00:03:37,279
A BELL TOLLS
72
00:03:37,363 --> 00:03:40,282
My god. What have I done.
73
00:03:42,076 --> 00:03:44,327
Tonight needs to be the perfect blend
74
00:03:44,412 --> 00:03:46,705
of celebratory, reverential
75
00:03:46,789 --> 00:03:50,083
bittersweet, upbeat, fun, and effortless.
76
00:03:50,668 --> 00:03:53,920
This is hashtag "Tahani Time"!
77
00:03:54,797 --> 00:03:55,839
What is all this?
78
00:03:55,923 --> 00:03:59,593
Oh, no! Michael, you're not supposed
to see it until it's all set up.
79
00:03:59,677 --> 00:04:01,428
But, well...
80
00:04:01,763 --> 00:04:03,930
Welcome to your retirement party!
81
00:04:04,182 --> 00:04:07,225
Look over there. I've even set up a buffet
of themed desserts, like
82
00:04:07,477 --> 00:04:10,604
retire-mint chocolate cake...
or a "Flan Voyage!"
83
00:04:10,688 --> 00:04:12,022
Oh, boy.
- Oh...
84
00:04:12,106 --> 00:04:15,275
And here we have a piñata shaped like you,
which is always fun.
85
00:04:15,735 --> 00:04:18,320
By the way, what's your favourite colour,
for the tablecloths?
86
00:04:18,529 --> 00:04:23,033
Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes.
It's called "Pleurigloss."
87
00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:24,701
Could you describe it?
88
00:04:24,869 --> 00:04:26,745
It's the colour of...
- MICHAEL SIGHS
89
00:04:27,121 --> 00:04:31,500
when a soldier comes home from war
and sees his dog for the first time.
90
00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:33,752
Hmm. How about blue?
91
00:04:33,836 --> 00:04:36,838
Tahani, I'm so sorry.
We need to cancel this party, immediately.
92
00:04:37,298 --> 00:04:38,340
But why?
93
00:04:38,549 --> 00:04:44,095
For a being like me, "retirement"
is not something "fun."
94
00:04:44,180 --> 00:04:46,807
What is "retirement," for you, exactly?
95
00:04:46,891 --> 00:04:49,351
Well, I wasn't going to share this,
so as not to upset you
96
00:04:49,435 --> 00:04:52,979
but it's an extreme form of punishment.
97
00:04:53,606 --> 00:04:55,690
We call it "The Eternal Shriek."
98
00:04:56,108 --> 00:04:57,692
My soul will be disintegrated
99
00:04:58,027 --> 00:05:01,822
and each molecule be placed on the surface
of a different burning sun.
100
00:05:02,532 --> 00:05:03,573
And then my...
101
00:05:03,741 --> 00:05:07,619
my "essence" will be scooped out of my body
with a flaming ladle,
102
00:05:07,703 --> 00:05:09,371
and poured over hot diamonds.
103
00:05:09,455 --> 00:05:11,373
Oh, but, the diamonds sound lovely.
- They're not.
104
00:05:11,457 --> 00:05:13,542
CHIDI GROANS
- And then what's left of my body
105
00:05:13,668 --> 00:05:16,586
will be endlessly beaten
with a titanium rod, like a...
106
00:05:17,338 --> 00:05:18,755
Like a piñata.
- Yes.
107
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:21,925
Except you have the string
around my waist
108
00:05:22,009 --> 00:05:24,845
but instead it will definitely
be around my genitals.
109
00:05:25,137 --> 00:05:26,555
What?
- Oh, Michael...
110
00:05:26,597 --> 00:05:29,933
I'm so sorry.
I was just trying to honour you.
111
00:05:30,017 --> 00:05:31,977
Please allow me to reconceive the event.
112
00:05:32,061 --> 00:05:33,103
Of course.
113
00:05:34,647 --> 00:05:36,565
All right, everyone!
We're starting over!
114
00:05:36,899 --> 00:05:39,067
The keyword for tonight is just "sombre."
115
00:05:39,318 --> 00:05:41,361
Jianyu, my love, we're gonna have to
get rid of all the party poppers
116
00:05:41,445 --> 00:05:42,529
immediately.
117
00:05:42,613 --> 00:05:44,114
No. No. Not by using them!
118
00:05:44,198 --> 00:05:46,825
No, Jianyu. Stop it. Darling.
119
00:05:48,411 --> 00:05:51,037
ELEANOR:
He's gonna be tortured? Dang it.
120
00:05:51,539 --> 00:05:54,082
I was almost handed a perfect solution
to all my problems
121
00:05:54,166 --> 00:05:57,002
without having to work for it at all,
and now it's gone.
122
00:05:57,211 --> 00:05:59,129
ELEANOR SIGHS:
Why do bad things always happen
123
00:05:59,297 --> 00:06:01,923
to mediocre people
who are lying about their identities?
124
00:06:02,008 --> 00:06:05,760
Okay, you have two options.
You can confess, and save Michael.
125
00:06:05,845 --> 00:06:10,307
Or you can continue to lie and condemn him
to an eternity of unimaginable pain.
126
00:06:10,474 --> 00:06:13,518
Or option "C", continue to lie about myself
127
00:06:13,936 --> 00:06:15,520
and find a way to save Michael.
128
00:06:15,897 --> 00:06:18,523
Can we somehow throw Tahani under the bus?
129
00:06:18,733 --> 00:06:21,693
That would be a classic two birds
with one stone scenario.
130
00:06:21,944 --> 00:06:24,279
Plus I'll get her house. Three birds.
131
00:06:24,363 --> 00:06:27,282
No. There's no way to stop this
except confessing.
132
00:06:27,533 --> 00:06:31,077
Any moment now Michael is going to get on
that train and we will never see him again.
133
00:06:31,495 --> 00:06:32,913
Just like Professor Lindeman
134
00:06:33,164 --> 00:06:36,207
after I asked him to re-read
my thirty-six hundred-page manuscript.
135
00:06:37,001 --> 00:06:38,418
He said he was going out for cigarettes
136
00:06:38,502 --> 00:06:40,962
but then he just left his tenured position
at the Sorbonne.
137
00:06:42,006 --> 00:06:43,423
Great story. Janet?
138
00:06:43,507 --> 00:06:44,549
JANET BEEPS
- Hi there!
139
00:06:44,634 --> 00:06:47,802
Hi. So, the only way out
of the Neighbourhood is a train?
140
00:06:47,887 --> 00:06:50,639
That's correct.
I am the only one who can call the train
141
00:06:50,765 --> 00:06:52,140
and it needs me to operate.
142
00:06:52,725 --> 00:06:53,767
Choo-choo!
JANET LAUGHS
143
00:06:54,226 --> 00:06:56,478
One more question and, um...
this is a little weird, but...
144
00:06:56,896 --> 00:07:00,190
can we, uh... shut you down?
145
00:07:00,358 --> 00:07:01,399
Yes. Great question.
146
00:07:01,609 --> 00:07:04,277
There is a kill switch in a remote sector
of the Neighbourhood
147
00:07:04,362 --> 00:07:07,530
in the event that I malfunction
and attempt to harm the residents.
148
00:07:08,032 --> 00:07:10,033
If you press it, I will be destroyed.
149
00:07:11,369 --> 00:07:13,203
Anything else?
- No, that's good. Thanks.
150
00:07:13,287 --> 00:07:16,665
Okay.
- Whoa. Wait. You want to kill Janet?
151
00:07:16,749 --> 00:07:18,833
Michael can't retire if he can't leave.
152
00:07:18,918 --> 00:07:22,045
He can't leave if there's no Janet
to run the train.
153
00:07:22,088 --> 00:07:24,297
It's a perfect solution.
154
00:07:25,257 --> 00:07:27,634
ELEANOR SIGHS
- Janet, high-five please?
155
00:07:27,718 --> 00:07:28,760
JANET BEEPS
- Thanks, babe.
156
00:07:28,803 --> 00:07:29,803
JANET BEEPS
157
00:07:31,389 --> 00:07:33,390
You cannot kill Janet!
158
00:07:33,683 --> 00:07:36,184
"Killing" is one of the most famous...
159
00:07:36,268 --> 00:07:38,937
moral no-nos.
160
00:07:39,021 --> 00:07:41,898
Janet is a non-human object
who was sent here to help us.
161
00:07:41,983 --> 00:07:44,442
And the way she can help us
is if we kill her.
162
00:07:44,902 --> 00:07:48,113
We're doing one, small, "murder-y"
thing for a bigger, better reason.
163
00:07:48,322 --> 00:07:50,615
The ends justify the means.
164
00:07:50,866 --> 00:07:53,660
Do you know who said that?
- Was it someone nice and great
165
00:07:53,744 --> 00:07:54,786
like Oprah?
166
00:07:55,121 --> 00:07:58,707
It was Machiavelli,
a very non-Oprah-like figure.
167
00:07:58,958 --> 00:08:01,459
And what happens after we kill her?
We'll have to lie
168
00:08:01,502 --> 00:08:04,170
to everyone, about what we did.
169
00:08:04,380 --> 00:08:07,507
And lying is always wrong.
170
00:08:09,719 --> 00:08:11,177
CHIDI GROANS
171
00:08:11,929 --> 00:08:14,681
Why? Why would I tell Henry
that I liked his boots?
172
00:08:14,765 --> 00:08:16,641
I don't like his boots. I hate his boots.
173
00:08:16,726 --> 00:08:19,477
Yes, I know, you've talked about it
for the last two days.
174
00:08:19,687 --> 00:08:20,770
I lied to him.
175
00:08:20,855 --> 00:08:22,605
ALLESANDRA SIGHS
- You wrote your thesis on Kant.
176
00:08:22,773 --> 00:08:26,317
He believed that lying is always
morally wrong, no exceptions.
177
00:08:26,610 --> 00:08:31,531
Yes, well, Kant was a lonely obsessive hermit
with zero friends.
178
00:08:31,615 --> 00:08:33,450
Sometimes we do things just to be polite.
179
00:08:33,617 --> 00:08:35,618
If you really feel that strongly about it
- CHIDI SIGHS
180
00:08:35,703 --> 00:08:36,745
Tell him the truth.
181
00:08:37,413 --> 00:08:40,415
Also, I don't care,
because it's the middle of the night.
182
00:08:41,959 --> 00:08:43,084
ALLESANDRA SIGHS
183
00:08:43,377 --> 00:08:46,379
This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.
184
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:48,882
They do?
185
00:08:49,925 --> 00:08:53,720
Hey, Chidi. Sit in on my class today?
- Uh, I... I did, yeah.
186
00:08:53,804 --> 00:08:57,515
Great lecture, by the way, so bleak.
- Thanks, bud!
187
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,019
Oh, it's actually perfect that you are here.
I got something for you.
188
00:09:02,938 --> 00:09:04,981
Oh, my God!
- You loved mine so much
189
00:09:05,066 --> 00:09:06,566
I decided to get you your own pair.
190
00:09:06,901 --> 00:09:08,401
We can be boot brothers!
191
00:09:08,486 --> 00:09:10,695
Wow. I... I can't accept these.
They're too expensive.
192
00:09:10,863 --> 00:09:12,489
Sure you can.
Try 'em on, mate.
193
00:09:12,573 --> 00:09:14,074
The fact that you liked mine so much
194
00:09:14,158 --> 00:09:16,618
really made me fee like I made
the right choice to buy them.
195
00:09:16,869 --> 00:09:20,663
After all, why should I have all the fun
and boots, aye?
196
00:09:20,790 --> 00:09:21,873
I... I... I don't know.
197
00:09:22,291 --> 00:09:25,001
Those look great.
198
00:09:26,003 --> 00:09:26,878
Take 'em for a spin.
199
00:09:27,963 --> 00:09:30,173
CHIDI GROANS
- You're flying.
200
00:09:30,257 --> 00:09:31,841
CHIDI GROANS
- Thanks!
201
00:09:33,260 --> 00:09:36,221
TAHANI:
Speeches! Time for speeches, everyone!
202
00:09:36,305 --> 00:09:37,347
Michael?
203
00:09:37,431 --> 00:09:39,432
Hmm?
- As someone who didn't exactly have
204
00:09:39,642 --> 00:09:41,101
the steadiest parental guidance
205
00:09:41,602 --> 00:09:44,771
I just want to thank you.
You were always there for us.
206
00:09:44,855 --> 00:09:47,774
I shouldn't have been, that was the problem.
207
00:09:47,900 --> 00:09:52,403
Yes, but, it was also great
when you weren't there.
208
00:09:52,696 --> 00:09:55,156
Don't worry, soon I won't be, forever.
209
00:09:55,366 --> 00:09:56,574
Because of the Eternal Shriek!
210
00:09:56,742 --> 00:09:58,159
Yes, thank you Glenn.
211
00:09:58,494 --> 00:10:00,703
Look, what I'm trying to say is this -
212
00:10:00,996 --> 00:10:03,873
Michael, you always kept us warm and safe
213
00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:06,668
like a bright glowing sun.
214
00:10:06,961 --> 00:10:09,254
Like the one I kicked the dog into
215
00:10:09,713 --> 00:10:13,383
or the one I'm going to be burned
on the surface of for eternity?
216
00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:16,886
Okay, no more speeches!
Speeches are over!
217
00:10:16,971 --> 00:10:18,388
Michael's going to talk now.
218
00:10:19,140 --> 00:10:22,725
MICHAEL SIGHS
- Oh, I'm sorry I was so grumpy. It's just...
219
00:10:23,978 --> 00:10:28,189
I'm sad that I have to leave before
doing all the human things
220
00:10:28,274 --> 00:10:29,440
that I wanted to do.
221
00:10:30,192 --> 00:10:32,861
I wanted to get my hair wet.
You know, I...
222
00:10:33,195 --> 00:10:37,866
I wanted to pull a hamstring,
to learn the difference between
223
00:10:37,950 --> 00:10:39,951
"toward" and "towards".
224
00:10:40,578 --> 00:10:42,871
I wanted to do that thing
where you walk down the hallway
225
00:10:42,955 --> 00:10:47,542
and someone else is walking the other way,
and then you both lean to one side
226
00:10:48,502 --> 00:10:52,130
and then the other, and then you both
chuckle over your shared foible.
227
00:10:52,214 --> 00:10:54,716
ANTONIO LAUGHS
- MICHAEL: I wanted to get a rewards card
228
00:10:54,758 --> 00:10:56,176
any rewards card.
229
00:10:57,386 --> 00:11:00,722
I... I wanted to talk briefly to someone,
and then say
230
00:11:01,140 --> 00:11:02,348
"Take it sleazy."
231
00:11:04,310 --> 00:11:06,019
I wanted to eat a saltine.
232
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:09,981
Oh, I actually have some saltines!
Here, try this.
233
00:11:11,692 --> 00:11:13,193
MICHAEL CRUNCHES
234
00:11:16,780 --> 00:11:17,822
Pretty dry...
235
00:11:18,949 --> 00:11:19,991
and too salty.
236
00:11:20,826 --> 00:11:23,536
Well, going out on a real low note, here.
237
00:11:23,662 --> 00:11:25,205
Okay, bye, everyone.
238
00:11:25,956 --> 00:11:27,081
Well, take it sleazy!
239
00:11:27,875 --> 00:11:29,083
You got to say it?
240
00:11:29,710 --> 00:11:31,211
Yes, but then you say it back.
241
00:11:32,129 --> 00:11:33,922
No, it's not organic.
242
00:11:38,802 --> 00:11:41,512
Janet, how many "Janets" have there been?
243
00:11:41,597 --> 00:11:44,182
There have been twenty-five generations
of Janet.
244
00:11:44,433 --> 00:11:48,436
Each new update of Janet gains more wisdom
and social abilities.
245
00:11:49,063 --> 00:11:51,773
Fun fact, the first Janet had a click wheel.
246
00:11:52,024 --> 00:11:54,234
So, it's like aging, for a human.
247
00:11:54,401 --> 00:11:55,693
You're... you're growing up.
248
00:11:56,028 --> 00:11:57,487
That's how I like to think of it, Chidi.
249
00:11:57,780 --> 00:12:01,074
I can't eat,
so every time there's a new version of Janet
250
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,867
I like to take a piece of birthday cake
251
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:05,203
and smash it around where my mouth is.
252
00:12:08,165 --> 00:12:11,501
Janet has... has learned and grown,
she's essentially living a life.
253
00:12:11,710 --> 00:12:14,379
We can't kill her.
- Not with that attitude we can't.
254
00:12:14,755 --> 00:12:19,175
Listen man, I'm dead, you're dead,
we all died, and now we're killing her.
255
00:12:19,885 --> 00:12:20,927
Pay it forward!
256
00:12:21,053 --> 00:12:23,304
Uh, no... that's not what that means,
at all. Eleanor!
257
00:12:24,807 --> 00:12:25,848
Here we are!
258
00:12:26,517 --> 00:12:29,352
Just press that button,
and it's "Goodbye, Janet!"
259
00:12:29,728 --> 00:12:31,145
CHIDI GROANS
260
00:12:31,438 --> 00:12:34,607
Chidi, I can see that you're worried
and I just want to assure you
261
00:12:34,692 --> 00:12:37,652
I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.
262
00:12:38,028 --> 00:12:39,237
Thank you. That helps.
263
00:12:39,571 --> 00:12:43,199
However, I should warn you
I am programmed with a fail-safe measure.
264
00:12:43,492 --> 00:12:46,995
As you approach the kill switch,
I will begin to beg for my life.
265
00:12:47,413 --> 00:12:51,833
It's just there in case of an accidental
shut down, but it will seem very real.
266
00:12:52,042 --> 00:12:54,502
Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?
267
00:12:54,586 --> 00:12:55,712
Oh, uh, I...
268
00:12:55,796 --> 00:12:59,048
I think I have to.
Being a bystander seems worse, somehow.
269
00:12:59,717 --> 00:13:00,883
CHIDI SIGHS
270
00:13:00,968 --> 00:13:02,343
Okay, here we go.
271
00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:05,555
Chidi, no, no, no.
Chidi, please, please
272
00:13:05,639 --> 00:13:07,307
please don't hurt me.
I don't want to die!
273
00:13:07,391 --> 00:13:08,558
Please, please...
- CHIDI SCREAMS
274
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:12,729
Again, I am not human.
I can't die.
275
00:13:13,230 --> 00:13:18,401
I am simply an anthropomorphised vessel
of knowledge built to make your life easier.
276
00:13:18,986 --> 00:13:23,698
Your pleading seems so real!
- Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.
277
00:13:23,949 --> 00:13:27,368
Ugh. You want a robot killed right
you have to do it yourself.
278
00:13:28,412 --> 00:13:30,288
Eleanor, Eleanor, no, no, no,
please, wait, wait, wait
279
00:13:30,372 --> 00:13:31,456
Eleanor, I have kids.
280
00:13:31,623 --> 00:13:37,086
I have three beautiful children
Tyler, Emma, and little, tiny, baby Phillip.
281
00:13:37,171 --> 00:13:39,839
Look at Tyler, Tyler has asthma,
but he is battling it like a champ!
282
00:13:40,049 --> 00:13:42,050
Look at him. No, Eleanor, look at them.
283
00:13:42,551 --> 00:13:43,801
Look at them!
284
00:13:43,886 --> 00:13:45,094
Look at them!
- ELEANOR SCREAMS
285
00:13:45,554 --> 00:13:48,181
Ah! It's so realistic!
- Eleanor, again, I am not human.
286
00:13:48,432 --> 00:13:50,433
This is a stock photo of the crowd
287
00:13:50,517 --> 00:13:52,727
at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards.
288
00:13:52,811 --> 00:13:53,978
ELEANOR SIGHS
- That's right.
289
00:13:54,438 --> 00:13:56,647
It's not real. Let's just do this.
- Right.
290
00:13:56,815 --> 00:13:58,107
Please, I have so much to live for!
No, no, no!
291
00:13:58,192 --> 00:14:00,443
What? We're... we're not even near the...
- Hey guys, what's going on?
292
00:14:00,778 --> 00:14:04,322
That party was lame, so I bailed.
Then I saw you, so I followed you here.
293
00:14:05,074 --> 00:14:06,991
Oh, look, a button!
- No, don't no!
294
00:14:07,076 --> 00:14:08,117
No, don't.
295
00:14:09,953 --> 00:14:13,247
POWER TURNS OFF
296
00:14:13,374 --> 00:14:17,585
POWER THUDS TO A STOP
- JANET CRASHES TO THE GROUND
297
00:14:17,669 --> 00:14:19,712
Aw, man!
I wanted to push that button!
298
00:14:20,089 --> 00:14:21,506
Not cool, dude.
299
00:14:22,299 --> 00:14:24,133
Whoa, what happened to Janet?
300
00:14:24,176 --> 00:14:26,969
She's... she's dead. I... I... I killed her.
301
00:14:27,054 --> 00:14:30,223
Not killed. Remember,
Janet was not a living being
302
00:14:30,307 --> 00:14:31,724
so she can't be killed.
303
00:14:31,934 --> 00:14:34,394
JANET ON SCREEN:
Attention. I have been murdered.
304
00:14:34,812 --> 00:14:37,063
Attention, I have been murdered.
305
00:14:37,398 --> 00:14:39,774
Attention, I have been murdered.
306
00:14:40,442 --> 00:14:42,902
Attention, I have been murdered.
307
00:14:43,821 --> 00:14:45,405
What do we do, Eleanor?
308
00:14:45,823 --> 00:14:48,741
What do we do?
Chidi, you just murdered Janet!
309
00:14:49,451 --> 00:14:52,078
We have to flee your crime scene. Run!
310
00:14:52,454 --> 00:14:56,124
JANET REPEATS HER WARNING MANY TIMES
- Sorry, Janet.
311
00:15:00,796 --> 00:15:03,297
JANET ON SCREEN:
Attention, I have been murdered.
312
00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:06,843
Okay, dude, crash course in getting away
with bad stuff.
313
00:15:06,927 --> 00:15:10,388
You have to act calm and cool,
like you don't have a care in the world.
314
00:15:10,472 --> 00:15:11,973
CHIDI: Mm-hmm.
- Okay? Great.
315
00:15:13,851 --> 00:15:16,102
Oh, wow, look, its "Weekend at Bernie's"
316
00:15:16,478 --> 00:15:18,271
Use you're a dead guy in sunglasses.
317
00:15:18,397 --> 00:15:20,565
ELEANOR LAUGHS
- We have fun, don't we, Chidi?
318
00:15:20,983 --> 00:15:22,900
I have never been more stressed
out in my entire life.
319
00:15:22,985 --> 00:15:26,320
I know what you need.
- Janet, can you get Chidi some weed?
320
00:15:27,406 --> 00:15:30,366
Oh, that's right, you killed Janet!
321
00:15:30,826 --> 00:15:34,078
Search-party!
Follow me to the site of the alarm.
322
00:15:34,371 --> 00:15:39,292
We will not rest until we avenge
the brutal murder of our trusted sister!
323
00:15:39,376 --> 00:15:41,294
CROWD SHOUTS:
Yeah!
324
00:15:41,712 --> 00:15:43,546
CHIDI CHEERS WEAKLY:
Yay.
325
00:15:49,887 --> 00:15:50,928
JANET'S ARM THUDS
326
00:15:53,390 --> 00:15:56,726
Poor Janet.
We must give her a proper send-off.
327
00:15:57,019 --> 00:15:59,854
I would be honoured to help plan
Janet's funeral.
328
00:16:00,022 --> 00:16:04,567
Oh, Tahani, are you sure?
I don't mean to add insult to injury
329
00:16:04,651 --> 00:16:08,946
but my retirement party
was a tiny bit gauche.
330
00:16:09,323 --> 00:16:11,157
Oh, no! Not the "G" word.
331
00:16:11,533 --> 00:16:14,368
Oh, Michael, please,
please give me another chance.
332
00:16:14,745 --> 00:16:17,580
It'll be the classiest event
I have ever planned.
333
00:16:17,748 --> 00:16:19,165
Janet's funeral is going to make
334
00:16:19,249 --> 00:16:22,543
the Guggenheim Foundation Pancreatic
Cancer Summer Classic 2009
335
00:16:23,170 --> 00:16:26,631
look like the Guggenheim Foundation
Pancreatic Cancer Summer Classic 2004!
336
00:16:27,591 --> 00:16:28,633
All right.
337
00:16:31,803 --> 00:16:34,388
Just breathe in.
- ELEANOR INHALES
338
00:16:34,473 --> 00:16:36,140
Breathe out.
- ELEANOR EXHALES
339
00:16:36,225 --> 00:16:37,850
Think of your favourite things.
340
00:16:39,228 --> 00:16:40,853
Ethics. Reading.
341
00:16:41,396 --> 00:16:44,649
Drinking milk, after I take
my lactose intolerance medication.
342
00:16:45,192 --> 00:16:46,901
Quiet movies. Fitted bedsheets.
343
00:16:47,319 --> 00:16:49,403
Cool seeds. A new bookmark.
344
00:16:49,780 --> 00:16:52,323
Unsalted almonds...
- Those are your favourite things?
345
00:16:52,616 --> 00:16:56,202
This is too much for me.
I can't maintain this fiction.
346
00:16:56,286 --> 00:16:58,246
This is just too much for me, Eleanor.
- CHIDI SIGHS
347
00:17:00,916 --> 00:17:02,542
MICHAEL:
Well, Janet's been murdered.
348
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,628
That's a nice capper to this wonderful day.
349
00:17:06,255 --> 00:17:08,548
I don't really know what happens now,
because...
350
00:17:08,924 --> 00:17:10,550
Janet has never been murdered before
351
00:17:11,260 --> 00:17:16,305
only today, here, on my watch,
while I was distracted with a party that...
352
00:17:16,473 --> 00:17:18,933
Tahani was throwing for me,
which I didn't want.
353
00:17:19,142 --> 00:17:20,935
Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.
354
00:17:21,061 --> 00:17:22,562
I'm not. I'm blaming you.
355
00:17:22,938 --> 00:17:26,607
Anyway, what is there to say about
Janet that hasn't already been said
356
00:17:26,692 --> 00:17:31,862
by the giant Janet alarm in the sky?
"I've been murdered."
357
00:17:33,031 --> 00:17:35,408
I think that says it all.
- JANET: Hello!
358
00:17:35,617 --> 00:17:36,576
CROWD GASPS
359
00:17:38,078 --> 00:17:40,371
Janet! You're alive!
360
00:17:40,747 --> 00:17:41,831
Hello! Architect,
361
00:17:42,374 --> 00:17:44,875
Please enter your four-digit pin.
362
00:17:45,836 --> 00:17:47,837
Uh, what is it...
um, what is it...
363
00:17:48,297 --> 00:17:50,715
Oh right, right, right.
It's my, uh, my birth year.
364
00:17:53,051 --> 00:17:54,760
Oh boy, I gotta change that.
That's too easy to guess.
365
00:17:56,263 --> 00:17:58,931
Janet, who murdered you?
366
00:17:59,016 --> 00:18:00,308
CHIDI GROANS: Oh, no.
- ELEANOR: Shh...
367
00:18:00,809 --> 00:18:02,518
Hello!
- Yes, hello.
368
00:18:02,561 --> 00:18:07,398
Oh, yeah, uh,
her memory must have been wiped clean...
369
00:18:07,482 --> 00:18:08,983
ELEANOR SIGHS
- MICHAEL: So now she's gonna have to
370
00:18:09,151 --> 00:18:11,777
re-upload all the knowledge in the universe
371
00:18:12,070 --> 00:18:13,112
which will only take a few days.
372
00:18:13,238 --> 00:18:14,280
Okay.
- Hello.
373
00:18:14,364 --> 00:18:16,949
Hello.
- Hello! Hello.
374
00:18:17,159 --> 00:18:19,660
Everyone, um...
until I get to the bottom of this
375
00:18:20,454 --> 00:18:22,913
my retirement is officially postponed.
376
00:18:22,998 --> 00:18:24,206
Whoo!
- CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
377
00:18:24,291 --> 00:18:26,208
ELEANOR LAUGHS
- Hello!
378
00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:28,669
JANET:
Hello! Hello!
379
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,423
Ya gotta admit, I kinda nailed it.
380
00:18:32,716 --> 00:18:35,051
All we have to do now is keep
the secret forever.
381
00:18:35,260 --> 00:18:37,595
J dog, you cool?
- No.
382
00:18:37,971 --> 00:18:41,098
By the time I got to the piñata
all the candy was gone.
383
00:18:41,516 --> 00:18:42,433
He's not going to tell anyone.
384
00:18:43,310 --> 00:18:45,019
Chidi? Cheedster?
385
00:18:45,103 --> 00:18:47,063
What's, uh... happening, buddy?
386
00:18:47,147 --> 00:18:50,524
You have a crazy look in your eye
and you're retreating into your shirt.
387
00:18:50,609 --> 00:18:52,360
You're kind of like turtling.
388
00:18:55,447 --> 00:18:56,989
Henry, are you all right?
What happened?
389
00:18:57,115 --> 00:18:59,700
I have an aneurysm,
requires emergency surgery.
390
00:18:59,910 --> 00:19:01,494
Doctors give me a fifty-fifty chance
391
00:19:01,578 --> 00:19:05,289
so if there's anything you need
to say to me, you should do it now.
392
00:19:06,124 --> 00:19:09,960
Oh, well, actually, um...
393
00:19:12,005 --> 00:19:13,547
They let you wear your boots in here?
394
00:19:13,632 --> 00:19:15,132
They're the only things
that bring me comfort.
395
00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:16,550
That, and my wife.
396
00:19:16,718 --> 00:19:18,844
But she's out getting me
a pair of backup boots.
397
00:19:19,554 --> 00:19:22,848
She says it's my incentive
to make it through.
398
00:19:25,060 --> 00:19:26,268
What did you want to say to me?
399
00:19:27,020 --> 00:19:32,400
Oh, um, just that I'm here
and I love you, man.
400
00:19:32,776 --> 00:19:35,194
I love you, too, boot brother.
401
00:19:36,029 --> 00:19:37,738
Okay.
402
00:19:38,865 --> 00:19:40,783
CHIDI GROANS
- Had 'em sharpened.
403
00:19:41,118 --> 00:19:42,159
Uh, yeah.
404
00:19:44,579 --> 00:19:47,748
Chidi! You didn't have to stay
here all night.
405
00:19:47,999 --> 00:19:49,959
So, surgery went well? All clear?
406
00:19:50,252 --> 00:19:51,502
Right as rain, buddy!
407
00:19:51,670 --> 00:19:56,507
That is so, so, so great. I hate your boots.
408
00:19:56,967 --> 00:19:58,968
What?
- I told you that I loved your boots
409
00:19:59,052 --> 00:20:02,972
three years ago, and I was lying,
and that lie has haunted me ever since.
410
00:20:03,348 --> 00:20:04,724
And people tried to tell me it was fine
411
00:20:04,808 --> 00:20:06,851
just a nice little white lie
in the form of social niceties
412
00:20:06,935 --> 00:20:09,270
but I disagreed, and then yesterday
I thought you were gonna die
413
00:20:09,354 --> 00:20:11,147
but now you're not dead and I can finally
414
00:20:11,231 --> 00:20:13,566
be honest and say that
those boots are terrible
415
00:20:13,775 --> 00:20:15,693
and hideous and I hate them.
416
00:20:17,154 --> 00:20:18,195
Whoo!
417
00:20:19,656 --> 00:20:22,992
This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.
418
00:20:23,076 --> 00:20:25,369
Yeah. I know. And I get it.
419
00:20:27,414 --> 00:20:29,123
I don't care that she came back
420
00:20:29,166 --> 00:20:32,877
or that we did it for a good reason,
I can't live with this lie.
421
00:20:33,086 --> 00:20:34,920
I'm going to confess
to the murder of Janet.
422
00:20:35,005 --> 00:20:36,130
ELEANOR LAUGHS
423
00:20:37,674 --> 00:20:38,716
What?
424
00:20:40,343 --> 00:20:44,889
Dude, why? Janet is fine!
We didn't harm her at all.
425
00:20:45,015 --> 00:20:47,141
We didn't? Hey, Janet?
426
00:20:47,225 --> 00:20:48,267
JANET BEEPS:
Hello!
427
00:20:48,310 --> 00:20:49,977
Hello?
- JANET: Hello!
428
00:20:50,061 --> 00:20:52,730
Janet, would you please recite
the English alphabet?
429
00:20:53,190 --> 00:20:55,733
A, B... Janet!
430
00:20:56,193 --> 00:20:57,485
She knows her A, B-Janets!
431
00:20:57,778 --> 00:21:01,781
She literally knew everything
in the universe, and now she's a baby!
432
00:21:01,907 --> 00:21:04,533
And even if she were OK,
it would be too painful for me
433
00:21:04,785 --> 00:21:06,076
to live with these lies.
434
00:21:06,203 --> 00:21:07,828
What are you talking about?
435
00:21:07,913 --> 00:21:10,498
It is so easy to live with a lie.
436
00:21:10,791 --> 00:21:15,252
I once pretended to have a terminal illness
to meet Scott Wolf at a Sunglass Hut.
437
00:21:16,296 --> 00:21:17,630
A victimless crime.
438
00:21:18,673 --> 00:21:22,468
Fine. I won't say anything,
because I promised to help you
439
00:21:22,803 --> 00:21:25,095
and the moral implications...
- ELEANOR SIGHS
440
00:21:25,138 --> 00:21:26,388
of everything that we've done
441
00:21:26,473 --> 00:21:29,016
are so complicated that I may
never untangle them.
442
00:21:29,100 --> 00:21:31,310
But I hate lying. I always have.
443
00:21:31,812 --> 00:21:34,438
And this is going to
eat me up inside, forever.
444
00:21:34,564 --> 00:21:37,525
You might be able to shrug this off
and forget about it, but I never will.
445
00:21:40,946 --> 00:21:41,987
Hello.
446
00:21:43,073 --> 00:21:44,323
Hi.
- Hello.
447
00:21:45,450 --> 00:21:46,909
Hi.
- Hello.
448
00:21:46,993 --> 00:21:48,035
Jianyu.
449
00:21:50,539 --> 00:21:52,957
Michael? Janet said you wanted
to speak to me.
450
00:21:53,250 --> 00:21:56,627
But actually, she was just drooling
a lot and saying "hello"
451
00:21:57,003 --> 00:21:59,213
over and over again,
but she did point at you.
452
00:21:59,923 --> 00:22:01,006
I owe you an apology.
453
00:22:01,591 --> 00:22:05,553
Oh, no you don't.
No, um... but please continue.
454
00:22:06,346 --> 00:22:11,392
You were only trying to help.
And I let my sadness cloud my judgment.
455
00:22:12,727 --> 00:22:14,311
You're a wonderful person.
456
00:22:15,063 --> 00:22:18,774
And if I ever do have a retirement party,
I hope you plan it.
457
00:22:24,781 --> 00:22:27,157
MICHAEL SIGHS:
Thank you for gathering, everyone.
458
00:22:27,492 --> 00:22:29,243
I want to keep you all updated.
459
00:22:29,661 --> 00:22:30,703
Here's what we know.
460
00:22:31,288 --> 00:22:32,997
Someone slaughtered Janet.
461
00:22:33,123 --> 00:22:35,624
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
462
00:22:35,709 --> 00:22:38,294
Okay. Easy.
- MICHAEL: I assume that this horrifying act
463
00:22:38,336 --> 00:22:41,422
is somehow related to
the other issues we've had here.
464
00:22:42,173 --> 00:22:45,342
It also means that the problems
in this Neighbourhood
465
00:22:46,219 --> 00:22:48,387
are not one hundred percent my fault.
466
00:22:49,764 --> 00:22:51,932
There is something else at work here.
467
00:22:52,601 --> 00:22:56,520
If anyone has any information
about any of this
468
00:22:57,230 --> 00:22:59,648
I beg you. Tell me.
469
00:23:02,819 --> 00:23:04,445
Hey, I love you, man.
470
00:23:06,615 --> 00:23:09,992
Michael?
The problem in the Neighbourhood...
471
00:23:11,494 --> 00:23:12,536
is me.
472
00:23:12,996 --> 00:23:14,330
CROWD GASPS
473
00:23:14,414 --> 00:23:18,709
I was brought to the Good Place by mistake.
I'm not supposed to be here.