1 00:00:01,814 --> 00:00:03,941 Good afternoon, Eleanor. What can I get you today? 2 00:00:04,901 --> 00:00:06,944 ELEANOR: Whoa! Lotta new flavours. 3 00:00:07,403 --> 00:00:10,322 Michael felt bad about the sinkhole, so he wanted to give you all a little treat. 4 00:00:10,448 --> 00:00:13,075 I recommend "Full Cell phone Battery." 5 00:00:14,661 --> 00:00:15,577 Whoa. 6 00:00:16,162 --> 00:00:19,623 It somehow tastes how I felt when my cell phone was fully charged. 7 00:00:20,124 --> 00:00:21,166 Oh, I'm so relaxed! 8 00:00:22,001 --> 00:00:23,043 But they all look good. 9 00:00:23,253 --> 00:00:24,378 This might take me a while. 10 00:00:25,004 --> 00:00:26,922 You know what, Gunnar? Uh, why don't you go ahead? 11 00:00:27,215 --> 00:00:28,465 Thanks so much, Eleanor. 12 00:00:28,550 --> 00:00:29,716 Mm-hmm. - JANET: What can I get you, Gunnar? 13 00:00:29,842 --> 00:00:32,135 GUNNAR: Hi, Janet. Can I have some folded laundry? 14 00:00:32,470 --> 00:00:33,512 JANET: Coming up. 15 00:00:40,353 --> 00:00:42,854 ELEANOR PANTS 16 00:00:44,607 --> 00:00:45,649 Chidi! 17 00:00:46,192 --> 00:00:47,192 You'll never believe it. 18 00:00:47,277 --> 00:00:48,735 I was at the frozen yogurt place 19 00:00:48,820 --> 00:00:50,779 and I didn't know what I wanted so I turned to the guy behind me 20 00:00:50,863 --> 00:00:53,198 and I was like: "Why don't you go ahead." SHE GASPS 21 00:00:53,283 --> 00:00:55,367 Just like that! "Why don't you go ahead." 22 00:00:56,411 --> 00:00:57,327 Oh... okay. 23 00:00:57,412 --> 00:00:58,745 Dude, you don't understand. 24 00:00:58,913 --> 00:01:01,206 I never did stuff like that when I was on Earth! 25 00:01:01,332 --> 00:01:04,751 But now, thanks to your "good person" lessons I didn't hold up the line, 26 00:01:04,794 --> 00:01:06,712 I didn't even try a dozen samples 27 00:01:06,796 --> 00:01:09,840 I didn't want, just to spite some jerk who told me I was holding up the line. 28 00:01:10,174 --> 00:01:13,552 You do that? - No, Chidi. I used to do that. 29 00:01:13,803 --> 00:01:16,930 Now I do selfless things, without even thinking about it. 30 00:01:17,473 --> 00:01:19,349 I'm getting better. - That's great. 31 00:01:19,475 --> 00:01:20,851 I'm... I'm proud of you. 32 00:01:21,394 --> 00:01:22,436 So where's our yogurt? 33 00:01:23,021 --> 00:01:24,354 Ugh, I forgot it. 34 00:01:24,564 --> 00:01:27,149 Oh. Can you go? 35 00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:28,317 I don't wanna go all the way back. 36 00:01:28,401 --> 00:01:30,777 I ran all the way here and it was so hot. 37 00:01:32,488 --> 00:01:36,199 I mean, I will happily get it because I told you I would. 38 00:01:39,871 --> 00:01:40,912 Good person. 39 00:01:49,088 --> 00:01:51,965 So, to sum up. Utilitarianism posits that... 40 00:01:52,175 --> 00:01:55,218 the correct choice is the one that causes the most good 41 00:01:55,386 --> 00:01:58,347 or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering. 42 00:01:58,431 --> 00:01:59,640 I like this one. 43 00:01:59,932 --> 00:02:03,602 It's simple. Ugh. Screw all the other complicated theories. 44 00:02:03,686 --> 00:02:04,936 Why didn't you start with this one? 45 00:02:05,021 --> 00:02:06,313 Ah, but here's the problem. 46 00:02:06,481 --> 00:02:09,358 If all that matters is the sum total of goodness 47 00:02:09,442 --> 00:02:12,235 the you can justify anything number of bad actions like... 48 00:02:12,779 --> 00:02:16,114 torturing one innocent person to save a hundred or pre-emptive war. 49 00:02:16,199 --> 00:02:19,284 Oh, dip, I get it! It's like, I knew this girl Sheila? 50 00:02:19,619 --> 00:02:22,663 She was a black market alligator dealer, with a pierced jawbone. 51 00:02:23,081 --> 00:02:25,290 Um. Okay. What? 52 00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:27,918 Sheila was gonna get married to my boy Donkey Doug 53 00:02:28,169 --> 00:02:29,920 and make him move to Sarasota. 54 00:02:30,213 --> 00:02:31,922 It would have broken up my whole breakdancing crew 55 00:02:32,006 --> 00:02:34,508 and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker! 56 00:02:34,676 --> 00:02:39,012 So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. 57 00:02:39,639 --> 00:02:44,267 I framed one innocent gator dealer, to save a sixty-person dance crew. 58 00:02:44,435 --> 00:02:49,481 Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done. 59 00:02:49,649 --> 00:02:51,191 Thanks! Um... 60 00:02:52,860 --> 00:02:53,902 Ah, yes, Jianyu? 61 00:02:54,028 --> 00:02:55,070 Can I be excused? 62 00:02:55,154 --> 00:02:59,074 Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there before all the mini-waffles run out. 63 00:02:59,158 --> 00:03:02,411 Oh, it's the Good Place. You can get all the mini waffles you want at any time. 64 00:03:02,745 --> 00:03:04,621 So, I'm not excused? 65 00:03:05,415 --> 00:03:07,040 Go ahead, man. - Yes! 66 00:03:09,001 --> 00:03:11,211 So, you want to roll right into another lesson? 67 00:03:12,130 --> 00:03:15,257 I am revved up to learn, man! My brain is horny! 68 00:03:15,341 --> 00:03:18,552 Can we take a little break? I've been standing at this chalkboard all day. 69 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,512 Oh, yeah. I get it. Oh! You could, um... 70 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,056 grade my paper I wrote on the concept of Dharma. 71 00:03:23,224 --> 00:03:24,266 Six pages! 72 00:03:24,350 --> 00:03:27,185 And I didn't even do that thing where I tried to make it longer 73 00:03:27,270 --> 00:03:29,646 by starting every sentence with, "Interestingly". 74 00:03:29,772 --> 00:03:31,690 Sure, I'll... I'll do that and 75 00:03:32,859 --> 00:03:34,025 we can start another lesson. 76 00:03:38,114 --> 00:03:41,366 Oh, I hope you are both enjoying this brunch. This is a fabulous jacket. 77 00:03:41,492 --> 00:03:44,327 Oh, you're both so attractive. Hello, Jianyu. 78 00:03:44,454 --> 00:03:46,163 Syrup? - Oh, right there. 79 00:03:46,831 --> 00:03:47,873 Chatty today, aren't we? 80 00:03:48,166 --> 00:03:52,377 Ah, Tahani. I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. 81 00:03:52,462 --> 00:03:53,670 Tell me what you think. 82 00:03:54,297 --> 00:03:56,339 "That New Yorker article was crazy." 83 00:03:56,632 --> 00:03:58,383 "You haven't seen Hamilton?" 84 00:03:58,634 --> 00:04:00,177 "Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?" 85 00:04:00,428 --> 00:04:02,929 Very well done, Michael. - JANET: Hi there! 86 00:04:02,972 --> 00:04:06,224 We have a category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis. 87 00:04:08,019 --> 00:04:11,646 A category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis? - Mm-hmm. 88 00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:14,733 Sorry, what is a category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis? 89 00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:17,402 It's nothing. It's a tiny little inconvenience. 90 00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:20,655 Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room 91 00:04:20,740 --> 00:04:24,785 where no one could see or hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear? 92 00:04:27,914 --> 00:04:28,955 DEVICE BEEPS INTO LIFE 93 00:04:29,248 --> 00:04:30,290 HE GASPS 94 00:04:30,374 --> 00:04:32,918 It appears that the sinkhole is not repairing itself. 95 00:04:33,294 --> 00:04:35,086 This is very bad, Janet. 96 00:04:35,296 --> 00:04:37,756 We have to go into the sinkhole, and fix it by hand. 97 00:04:37,965 --> 00:04:39,007 Get the tools. 98 00:04:39,342 --> 00:04:42,594 Sorry, can I be of any service? - Ah! Tahani. 99 00:04:42,678 --> 00:04:46,306 Didn't see you there... No, we're just having a slight problem 100 00:04:46,349 --> 00:04:48,934 with the enormous sinkhole. 101 00:04:49,018 --> 00:04:52,270 Yes, I meant to tell you. I walked past it last night and I... 102 00:04:52,688 --> 00:04:53,980 I actually saw it get a little bit bigger. 103 00:04:54,065 --> 00:04:55,565 HE SCREAMS 104 00:04:55,650 --> 00:04:59,444 It got bigger? Ah, well. That's so so normal. 105 00:04:59,529 --> 00:05:03,573 This is the reaction I have when things are incredibly mundane and expected. 106 00:05:03,658 --> 00:05:09,788 I'm going to leave now, at my regular pace, as I do in most scenarios. 107 00:05:16,671 --> 00:05:19,214 Finally! Let's get back to it! 108 00:05:20,007 --> 00:05:22,926 Whip out that chalkboard, big boy, show me what you're working with! 109 00:05:23,135 --> 00:05:27,848 Actually, I was going to head into town and pick up some blankets. 110 00:05:28,349 --> 00:05:31,142 Great, I'll grab my sweater. Plus... 111 00:05:31,227 --> 00:05:33,061 I can practise letting people cut in front of me. 112 00:05:33,688 --> 00:05:35,981 Please. You go ahead. I respect you. 113 00:05:36,148 --> 00:05:38,441 You're not just an obstacle for me getting what I want. 114 00:05:38,526 --> 00:05:41,903 You know? Uh, I just realised that I have blankets. 115 00:05:42,029 --> 00:05:46,700 So I'm going to take a nap using the several blankets that I already have. Good night! 116 00:05:47,618 --> 00:05:50,704 Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! What's wrong? Out with it. 117 00:05:50,788 --> 00:05:53,331 Fine, I'm just tired. Need a break. No big deal. 118 00:05:53,416 --> 00:05:57,043 The way you're talking to me right now? "Everything's cool, " "no big deal." 119 00:05:57,128 --> 00:05:57,961 I know that move. 120 00:05:58,379 --> 00:06:01,923 When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal," it meant anything from 121 00:06:02,174 --> 00:06:03,800 "I just bought weed from your nephew," 122 00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:06,553 to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year 123 00:06:06,637 --> 00:06:08,722 things got out of hand and now I'm her bridesmaid." 124 00:06:08,806 --> 00:06:12,767 Wow. Okay, well, in this case, it really is no big deal. 125 00:06:12,935 --> 00:06:16,813 Dude, you're hiding something. What's wrong? - Nothing. 126 00:06:18,024 --> 00:06:22,611 What is wrong? 127 00:06:25,615 --> 00:06:27,449 DEVICE BEEPS INTO ACTION 128 00:06:31,829 --> 00:06:35,540 Jianyu second! Oh, well done, my love. 129 00:06:36,542 --> 00:06:37,959 So where am I? 130 00:06:38,794 --> 00:06:41,254 Eleanor sixth? Come on. TAHANI SCOFFS 131 00:06:50,806 --> 00:06:53,934 Oh, no. I'm second to last. 132 00:06:55,978 --> 00:06:58,313 I barely made it. 133 00:06:59,273 --> 00:07:03,109 Mummy, I made you this. It's the pretty bird we saw in the garden. 134 00:07:03,653 --> 00:07:06,154 Thank you, Tahani. It's very competent. 135 00:07:07,198 --> 00:07:08,239 I made a bird as well. 136 00:07:08,741 --> 00:07:10,408 I worked in reflective alloy 137 00:07:10,576 --> 00:07:12,869 holding up a mirror to mankind and its 138 00:07:12,954 --> 00:07:14,829 and its mistreatment of these defenceless animals. 139 00:07:14,914 --> 00:07:20,502 Excellent, Kamilah. I sense the influence of Brancusi, and Kapur. 140 00:07:20,628 --> 00:07:22,295 It seems you're moving out of your structural period, 141 00:07:22,380 --> 00:07:24,464 and more into conceptual abstraction. 142 00:07:24,548 --> 00:07:27,842 Good eye, mother. I grew tired of objective representation. 143 00:07:27,927 --> 00:07:29,177 I trust my audience. 144 00:07:30,096 --> 00:07:31,429 My birdie has a hat! 145 00:07:31,639 --> 00:07:33,473 Yes. Well done, Tahani. 146 00:07:35,142 --> 00:07:36,226 What's wrong? - Nothing. 147 00:07:36,310 --> 00:07:37,352 What's wrong? - Nothing. 148 00:07:37,436 --> 00:07:38,478 What's wrong? - Nothing. 149 00:07:38,562 --> 00:07:41,856 SHE REPEATS 'WHAT'S WRONG' - HE REPEATS ' NOTHING'S WRONG' 150 00:07:41,983 --> 00:07:43,900 Nothing's wrong. Would you stop doing that? 151 00:07:43,985 --> 00:07:46,194 Okay, fine. You want to know what's wrong? 152 00:07:46,654 --> 00:07:48,446 You are a full-time job. 153 00:07:48,698 --> 00:07:52,117 I wake up there's Eleanor. I spend all day teaching Eleanor. 154 00:07:52,201 --> 00:07:55,370 And then, it's "Good night, Eleanor. Oh, this is a nice dream. 155 00:07:55,454 --> 00:07:56,329 My grandma's here... wait! 156 00:07:56,414 --> 00:07:59,582 She's got Eleanor's face! And tentacles for some reason." 157 00:07:59,667 --> 00:08:03,003 Don't blame me for your weird grandma dreams. That's on you, dude. 158 00:08:03,295 --> 00:08:05,839 And I thought you liked teaching me. 159 00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:10,093 So now I'm just some huge burden for you? - Yes! Of course you are! 160 00:08:10,177 --> 00:08:11,511 I am in paradise! 161 00:08:11,595 --> 00:08:14,764 I should be doing paradise things, like rowing out on a lake 162 00:08:14,849 --> 00:08:17,058 with a good bottle of wine, reading French poetry. 163 00:08:17,184 --> 00:08:20,228 That's your idea of "paradise?" That sucks! 164 00:08:20,438 --> 00:08:22,731 You know, and I can't stop helping you 165 00:08:22,815 --> 00:08:25,108 because then I am shirking my ethical duty. 166 00:08:25,192 --> 00:08:28,570 It's an impossible position! - Well, excuse me 167 00:08:28,612 --> 00:08:30,280 for trying to stay out of the Bad Place. 168 00:08:30,448 --> 00:08:33,199 You know what, if you're so stressed from writing on a chalkboard 169 00:08:33,409 --> 00:08:34,492 why don't you just leave? 170 00:08:34,577 --> 00:08:36,411 We could pretend to be soulmates in public 171 00:08:36,495 --> 00:08:38,121 but other than that we don't have to see each other! 172 00:08:38,164 --> 00:08:40,290 Fine with me. I'll move out right now. - Fine! 173 00:08:40,499 --> 00:08:41,541 SIREN SOUNDS 174 00:08:41,625 --> 00:08:42,667 MICHAEL: Good afternoon. 175 00:08:42,752 --> 00:08:44,127 As you all may remember 176 00:08:44,211 --> 00:08:47,047 a sinkhole recently opened up in the town centre. 177 00:08:47,298 --> 00:08:49,758 The situation, sadly, has worsened. 178 00:08:50,134 --> 00:08:54,137 Starting right now no one may go outside under any circumstances. 179 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:57,766 Leaving your homes could result in catastrophic damage 180 00:08:58,225 --> 00:09:01,061 to you and to the very fabric of the universe. 181 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:02,562 Okay, bye! 182 00:09:03,898 --> 00:09:05,982 Or we could both just stay here. - HE SIGHS 183 00:09:08,944 --> 00:09:12,447 MICHAEL: We hope you enjoy your eternal stay in the Good Place. 184 00:09:12,823 --> 00:09:17,535 Take advantage of our day spa, or Janet, a magical assistant. 185 00:09:17,661 --> 00:09:19,287 who can get you whatever you want. 186 00:09:19,580 --> 00:09:23,333 And explore the grounds on one of our complimentary pegasi. 187 00:09:23,417 --> 00:09:25,877 Do you mind turning that off? It's been playing on a loop for two days. 188 00:09:26,170 --> 00:09:30,465 The whole Neighbourhood is offline. We only get the welcome channel. 189 00:09:30,633 --> 00:09:33,009 I would love to not watch TV 190 00:09:33,427 --> 00:09:35,428 but you cancelled school. 191 00:09:35,513 --> 00:09:36,554 SHE GASPS 192 00:09:36,639 --> 00:09:38,389 What have you done to me, you monster? 193 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,476 Look at all these dishes piling up. 194 00:09:42,061 --> 00:09:45,688 I used to just throw them in the sink and they'd be magically cleaned by morning. 195 00:09:45,898 --> 00:09:48,358 I did that. I cleaned the dishes. - Oh. 196 00:09:49,026 --> 00:09:50,235 Then what's up with these bad boys? 197 00:09:50,861 --> 00:09:53,363 You are unbelievable. 198 00:09:53,447 --> 00:09:55,532 Are you still upset? You're not over it yet? 199 00:09:55,616 --> 00:09:59,119 How can I be "over" it? We haven't discussed it, or even spoken for days. 200 00:09:59,203 --> 00:10:02,997 Well, it sounds like you've had a really nice "vacation" from your "full-time job." 201 00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:05,500 Get your story straight, bro. - BANGING ON THE DOOR 202 00:10:05,584 --> 00:10:06,751 Hey, guys? It's Michael. 203 00:10:06,836 --> 00:10:07,877 SHE GASPS 204 00:10:08,838 --> 00:10:11,297 Hi, Michael! What a lovely surprise! 205 00:10:11,715 --> 00:10:13,716 Oh, I'd love to make small talk. I've been practicing, too. 206 00:10:13,801 --> 00:10:16,469 I'm amazing at it. But I'm in a bit of a rush here. 207 00:10:16,554 --> 00:10:17,887 This is Bart and Nina 208 00:10:18,430 --> 00:10:21,307 They live right next to the, uh... sinkhole, so... 209 00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:23,309 they obviously need a place to stay. 210 00:10:23,394 --> 00:10:26,312 I was wondering, as my assistant, maybe you could put them up for a while? 211 00:10:26,814 --> 00:10:30,191 Oh, of course. Don't... don't think twice. - Okay. Shouldn't take long. 212 00:10:30,734 --> 00:10:33,611 Between an hour and, um... eleven months. 213 00:10:33,696 --> 00:10:35,780 Somewhere in there. Okay, bye! 214 00:10:37,575 --> 00:10:38,616 Don't go outside. 215 00:10:39,451 --> 00:10:40,493 DOOR SLAMS 216 00:10:41,078 --> 00:10:43,037 ELEANOR LAUGHS - NINA LAUGHS 217 00:10:49,295 --> 00:10:50,336 We're doomed. 218 00:10:50,421 --> 00:10:52,589 Dude. You need to chill the fork out. 219 00:10:52,673 --> 00:10:54,382 How? We are living a lie. - SHE SIGHS 220 00:10:54,592 --> 00:10:57,802 We are fighting and one small mistake could blow our cover 221 00:10:57,887 --> 00:10:58,970 and make the whole world go crazy. 222 00:10:59,054 --> 00:11:02,098 All we need to do is make a little small talk. 223 00:11:02,391 --> 00:11:04,142 Just say things that aren't lies. 224 00:11:04,393 --> 00:11:10,148 Like, isn't Eleanor super hot? Or, I'm Chidi, I lost my virginity to a book. 225 00:11:10,357 --> 00:11:11,399 Tea's ready! 226 00:11:11,483 --> 00:11:14,861 Thank you guys so much. Sorry for the imposition. 227 00:11:14,945 --> 00:11:16,237 Oh, bah! 228 00:11:16,322 --> 00:11:19,449 If you want to know the truth, we asked Michael if we could stay with you. 229 00:11:19,533 --> 00:11:21,910 We are obsessed with your relationship. 230 00:11:21,994 --> 00:11:24,746 Always whispering, locking yourself in the house all day. 231 00:11:25,122 --> 00:11:27,790 I thought I was an expert in true love 'cause of my old job 232 00:11:27,875 --> 00:11:30,376 but I have a lot to learn from you guys. 233 00:11:30,502 --> 00:11:31,961 Your job? What was your job? 234 00:11:32,046 --> 00:11:33,213 I was a marriage counsellor. 235 00:11:33,714 --> 00:11:36,257 You could say I wrote the book on healthy relationships 236 00:11:36,884 --> 00:11:38,635 and I did! - BART AND NINA LAUGH 237 00:11:38,761 --> 00:11:43,181 It's called "How to Spot Problems in a Marriage From 100 Miles Away." 238 00:11:43,265 --> 00:11:44,724 Oh! Cool. - Oh, cool. 239 00:11:44,808 --> 00:11:46,434 Yeah, really cool. - Cool. Cool. 240 00:11:47,061 --> 00:11:48,686 Cool. And what about you, Bart? 241 00:11:48,771 --> 00:11:50,897 Ah, well, my job wasn't nearly as interesting. 242 00:11:51,023 --> 00:11:53,608 Nah, I started a company that investigated identity theft. 243 00:11:53,692 --> 00:11:56,236 Analysing body language, tracking and catching people 244 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:57,403 pretending to be someone they're not. 245 00:11:57,780 --> 00:12:00,782 It was snooze, am I right? - THEY ALL LAUGH 246 00:12:00,950 --> 00:12:05,828 You know what? Forget this tea. Who wants too much wine? 247 00:12:05,913 --> 00:12:08,248 NINA: Oh! - EVERYONE LAUGHS 248 00:12:08,749 --> 00:12:09,791 Hello, everyone 249 00:12:09,875 --> 00:12:12,961 and welcome to Day Three of our brunch siege! 250 00:12:13,045 --> 00:12:16,881 I stayed up all night to plan a full day of fun activities 251 00:12:17,174 --> 00:12:18,800 just check the schedule I made! 252 00:12:19,593 --> 00:12:22,720 Tahani, you are truly the best. - WOMAN: Hear! Hear! 253 00:12:22,846 --> 00:12:25,014 Yes, you would think so, wouldn't you, Henriette? 254 00:12:26,308 --> 00:12:27,350 DISPLAY BEEPS INTO LIFE 255 00:12:28,143 --> 00:12:31,896 Still second to last? - TAHANI SIGHS 256 00:12:32,481 --> 00:12:34,232 STRING QUARTET PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND 257 00:12:35,943 --> 00:12:36,985 Tahani. 258 00:12:37,027 --> 00:12:40,405 This auction threatens to be an embarrassing failure. 259 00:12:41,115 --> 00:12:43,408 Five-point-two million isn't bad. 260 00:12:43,492 --> 00:12:45,576 It's very "middle-thermometer." 261 00:12:45,995 --> 00:12:50,039 Your public failure is our public failure. 262 00:12:50,124 --> 00:12:51,708 You know what has to be done. 263 00:12:52,584 --> 00:12:53,710 TAHANI: I'm very pleased... 264 00:12:53,794 --> 00:12:56,838 to announce that there has been an addition to today's docket. 265 00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:01,551 I'm sure you all know my sister Kamilah. 266 00:13:01,927 --> 00:13:02,969 CROWD CHEERS 267 00:13:04,346 --> 00:13:05,930 Yes. Kamilah. 268 00:13:06,265 --> 00:13:10,184 Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person ever to graduate from Oxford University. 269 00:13:10,269 --> 00:13:13,563 She's a Eurovision Award-winning singer-song writer 270 00:13:13,897 --> 00:13:16,357 a world-class painter, social activist 271 00:13:16,442 --> 00:13:20,611 sculptor, Olympic gold medallist for archery 272 00:13:20,696 --> 00:13:22,071 an iconoclast 273 00:13:22,823 --> 00:13:27,994 A Bafta Award-winner for her documentary on her Grammy Award-winning album 274 00:13:28,287 --> 00:13:32,165 and the person voted "Most Likely to be Banksy." 275 00:13:32,249 --> 00:13:33,291 AUDIENCE MEMBERS LAUGH 276 00:13:33,375 --> 00:13:36,544 So without further ado take it away from me! 277 00:13:36,837 --> 00:13:39,130 Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah! 278 00:13:39,214 --> 00:13:41,841 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS 279 00:13:43,010 --> 00:13:45,178 I am auctioning off a lunch date with me. 280 00:13:45,262 --> 00:13:46,304 AUDIENCE MEMBERS GASP 281 00:13:46,347 --> 00:13:49,599 The bidding shall commence at three million pounds. 282 00:13:53,187 --> 00:13:54,228 You're bidding? 283 00:13:54,438 --> 00:13:58,149 Of course. It's an hour with Kamilah Al-Jamil! 284 00:13:58,817 --> 00:13:59,859 Five million! 285 00:14:03,072 --> 00:14:04,113 DISPLAY BEEPS OFF 286 00:14:07,659 --> 00:14:10,620 Wow. You guys must really love clowns, huh? 287 00:14:10,704 --> 00:14:13,873 Would two people who didn't love clowns have this many clowns on their walls? 288 00:14:13,957 --> 00:14:16,709 It must be great to live with such a positive person. Huh, Chidi? 289 00:14:16,794 --> 00:14:20,922 ELEANOR CHUCKLES - Well, it's um... at times it's... person. 290 00:14:24,635 --> 00:14:26,511 Ugh. That's my Chidi. 291 00:14:27,012 --> 00:14:28,888 One glass of wine, he's totally useless. 292 00:14:28,972 --> 00:14:30,681 ALL LAUGH 293 00:14:30,766 --> 00:14:32,475 You know what you need right now, dear? 294 00:14:32,518 --> 00:14:33,935 To get into something more comfortable 295 00:14:33,977 --> 00:14:36,729 like one of your trademark taupe V-neck sweaters. 296 00:14:37,231 --> 00:14:39,524 You know how strongly I feel about those. 297 00:14:39,942 --> 00:14:40,983 BART: Aw. - NINA: Ooh.. 298 00:14:41,026 --> 00:14:42,360 CHIDI GROANS - NINA: So cute. 299 00:14:42,611 --> 00:14:44,779 ELEANOR: Oh, love, love, love! 300 00:14:44,863 --> 00:14:46,280 Love, love, love! 301 00:14:49,618 --> 00:14:52,120 You couldn't think of one thing to say? Get your head in the game, man. 302 00:14:52,204 --> 00:14:53,204 They're gonna catch us. 303 00:14:53,288 --> 00:14:57,208 This is an extremely precarious situation. I am vexed, Eleanor! 304 00:14:57,292 --> 00:14:59,502 A marriage counsellor and a human lie detector 305 00:14:59,586 --> 00:15:03,840 isn't my first choice for company either, but they have no reason to suspect us. 306 00:15:04,842 --> 00:15:09,178 Plus, I think they may have actually just come here to, you know? 307 00:15:09,555 --> 00:15:10,596 Swing. 308 00:15:11,598 --> 00:15:12,723 I say we do it. 309 00:15:13,016 --> 00:15:14,517 It'll get them to stop asking questions. 310 00:15:14,601 --> 00:15:18,896 I am not going to have sex with someone to get them to stop talking to me. 311 00:15:18,981 --> 00:15:21,107 Really? You and I are very different. 312 00:15:21,191 --> 00:15:23,693 Yeah, I noticed. - You know what, man? 313 00:15:23,902 --> 00:15:26,779 I have spent every second in this place worried I was gonna get caught 314 00:15:26,864 --> 00:15:29,866 but if we go down right now, that's on you. Okay? 315 00:15:30,451 --> 00:15:33,119 Oh, you spend all your time teaching a charming, awesome lady? 316 00:15:33,203 --> 00:15:35,746 How sad for you. Face it, dude. 317 00:15:35,831 --> 00:15:40,460 I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. Because guess what, Chidi? Ya basic. 318 00:15:41,795 --> 00:15:43,921 Eleanor. - Yeah, I know. You wanna do that thing 319 00:15:44,006 --> 00:15:47,508 where we're arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like "Whoa, this is hot," 320 00:15:47,593 --> 00:15:49,385 and we start making out? Dream on! 321 00:15:49,678 --> 00:15:50,803 Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it. 322 00:15:51,054 --> 00:15:52,305 No! Eleanor, look. 323 00:15:59,980 --> 00:16:01,981 So, how much of that did you hear? 324 00:16:02,065 --> 00:16:04,650 We couldn't hear you but I'm an expert in non-verbal communication 325 00:16:04,735 --> 00:16:07,069 and it is clear you are in conflict. 326 00:16:07,362 --> 00:16:10,156 We're not judging you. This has been a tough couple of weeks. 327 00:16:10,532 --> 00:16:14,368 I'm sure the... the stress of the sinkhole has caused lots of soulmate squabbles. 328 00:16:15,037 --> 00:16:19,999 That's what it is! A squabble. We're squabbling. - Squabble-squabble! 329 00:16:20,209 --> 00:16:22,460 I can help. I'm going to take your relationship 330 00:16:22,544 --> 00:16:24,295 and put it under a microscope 331 00:16:24,630 --> 00:16:27,340 And dig and poke and prod 332 00:16:27,424 --> 00:16:30,384 until you are back to soulmate harmony. 333 00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,719 Eleanor, why don't you tell... 334 00:16:31,803 --> 00:16:34,305 She never does the dishes. I have to do them all the time. 335 00:16:35,224 --> 00:16:37,225 We just have different interests. - Mm-hmm. 336 00:16:37,309 --> 00:16:40,978 I like relaxing, he likes getting on my case about the dishes. 337 00:16:41,104 --> 00:16:42,855 I'm getting a lot of repressed anger. 338 00:16:42,940 --> 00:16:45,441 I suspected this when I arrived, but now I'm sure. 339 00:16:45,901 --> 00:16:47,902 You are hiding something. 340 00:16:47,986 --> 00:16:50,446 What are earth would I be hiding? - No, no, no, not you... 341 00:16:51,448 --> 00:16:52,490 Him. 342 00:16:55,869 --> 00:16:57,328 Please go back inside. 343 00:16:57,412 --> 00:17:01,457 It isn't safe to be out of your home. Please go back inside. 344 00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:03,292 MICHAEL: Janet, could you see what's wrong? 345 00:17:03,794 --> 00:17:04,835 Everything. 346 00:17:05,128 --> 00:17:07,255 Oh! - HE SIGHS 347 00:17:08,340 --> 00:17:10,550 My goodness. It's even worse than I thought. 348 00:17:10,717 --> 00:17:12,134 Tahani, what are you doing here? 349 00:17:12,386 --> 00:17:15,513 Well, everyone else might be okay staying inside, but I wanted to help. 350 00:17:15,639 --> 00:17:19,308 So I brought some cheer and sustenance, to raise your spirits. 351 00:17:19,393 --> 00:17:20,601 Look, I made donut holes. 352 00:17:21,103 --> 00:17:25,523 Do you get it? Donut holes, sinkhole. Funny, no? 353 00:17:25,649 --> 00:17:28,651 No, too soon. By exactly nine days. 354 00:17:28,777 --> 00:17:31,737 Tahani, this sinkhole is incredibly dangerous. 355 00:17:31,863 --> 00:17:35,449 If a human gets too close to it there could be disastrous side effects. 356 00:17:35,909 --> 00:17:38,744 WHIRRING NOISE - What's... what's happening to me? 357 00:17:38,787 --> 00:17:40,413 Ooh, that's one of the side effects. 358 00:17:40,497 --> 00:17:42,790 Janet, knock her out, while we still have time, please. 359 00:17:42,874 --> 00:17:45,209 Knock me out? What does that... - BEEPING SOUND 360 00:17:45,377 --> 00:17:46,419 BODY THUDS 361 00:17:48,672 --> 00:17:51,382 Guys, really, it's no big deal. 362 00:17:51,466 --> 00:17:56,178 "It's not a big deal" is nearly always code for "something is wrong." 363 00:17:56,263 --> 00:17:58,139 Boom! That's what I said! 364 00:17:58,223 --> 00:17:59,557 I should've been a marriage counsellor. 365 00:17:59,641 --> 00:18:02,768 Lets take the positive aspects of this relationship. 366 00:18:02,853 --> 00:18:04,270 Let's focus on that first. 367 00:18:04,688 --> 00:18:07,273 What do you do to make Eleanor feel valued? 368 00:18:08,066 --> 00:18:14,655 I spend every waking moment thinking about her and supporting her. 369 00:18:15,115 --> 00:18:16,365 Beautifully said. 370 00:18:16,450 --> 00:18:18,993 Eleanor, what do you do to support Chidi? 371 00:18:19,453 --> 00:18:20,494 I... 372 00:18:21,872 --> 00:18:25,416 taught him how to reheat cold pizza with a curling iron. 373 00:18:26,668 --> 00:18:30,171 But this isn't about me or my awesome life hacks. 374 00:18:30,297 --> 00:18:32,673 He's hiding something, and we need to get to the bottom of it. 375 00:18:32,841 --> 00:18:34,508 She's right, Chidi. Out with it. 376 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,762 What is so unsatisfying about your soulmate relationship? 377 00:18:37,846 --> 00:18:40,348 Be honest, Chidi. Be like... 378 00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:43,768 the exact right amount of honest 379 00:18:43,852 --> 00:18:46,228 so that we can both be happy. 380 00:18:47,981 --> 00:18:51,067 I never had a soulmate on earth. 381 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:56,280 I never even really had a girlfriend that I loved. 382 00:18:57,491 --> 00:19:01,452 And when I got here and Michael said I would finally meet my actual soulmate 383 00:19:01,536 --> 00:19:03,954 I was so excited. And it isn't... 384 00:19:05,832 --> 00:19:06,874 exactly... 385 00:19:08,085 --> 00:19:09,126 what I thought. 386 00:19:09,795 --> 00:19:12,546 You've never had an intense relationship before. 387 00:19:12,798 --> 00:19:14,965 This is all uncharted territory. 388 00:19:15,050 --> 00:19:17,343 No wonder you're so tense! - BART LAUGHS 389 00:19:17,928 --> 00:19:21,722 You know, Nina and I are skilled in the art of massage. 390 00:19:22,808 --> 00:19:24,433 Not erotic massage. - Mm. 391 00:19:24,518 --> 00:19:27,186 Although it can be, it often leads there anyway. - ELEANOR: Okay! 392 00:19:27,270 --> 00:19:28,521 Well, you know what? 393 00:19:28,772 --> 00:19:32,066 You guys have given us so much to think about and I think we should go to bed. 394 00:19:32,109 --> 00:19:34,527 Just the two of us, alone. Just us. 395 00:19:34,903 --> 00:19:36,821 I know it's not the right time, but I told you. 396 00:19:36,905 --> 00:19:39,573 You know after an emotional breakthrough like that 397 00:19:39,658 --> 00:19:42,326 you guys aren't gonna do much sleeping. 398 00:19:42,411 --> 00:19:43,828 Yeah, I know. 399 00:19:44,037 --> 00:19:49,709 We're gonna keep our clothes. I'll sleep on the floor and we'll maintain a chilly silence until morning. 400 00:19:50,001 --> 00:19:51,544 CHIDI LAUGHS - Could you imagine? 401 00:19:51,753 --> 00:19:54,213 CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS - RECORDED APPLAUSE 402 00:19:54,297 --> 00:19:55,756 Well, that's terrifying. - Mm. 403 00:19:58,844 --> 00:20:00,553 Tahani? Wake up, dear. 404 00:20:01,179 --> 00:20:04,181 Michael, did it work? 405 00:20:05,058 --> 00:20:06,434 Did I fix the sinkhole? 406 00:20:06,727 --> 00:20:07,601 Am I a heroine? 407 00:20:07,686 --> 00:20:12,148 No. You did something catastrophically stupid and we had to knock you unconscious. 408 00:20:12,482 --> 00:20:14,692 Why in the world did you go outside? 409 00:20:14,985 --> 00:20:17,778 Because I saw the rankings in the manual. 410 00:20:17,988 --> 00:20:21,657 That manual is only meant to be seen by Architects and Janets. 411 00:20:21,742 --> 00:20:24,368 It's got some very sensitive material. 412 00:20:24,536 --> 00:20:28,330 Plus some song lyrics I've been working on, and I'd rather not let people see those 413 00:20:28,415 --> 00:20:29,498 until they're finished. 414 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,292 But, anyway... 415 00:20:31,793 --> 00:20:34,712 Why did seeing the rankings unravel you so? 416 00:20:37,424 --> 00:20:40,801 I was so sorry to hear of your parents' passing. 417 00:20:41,219 --> 00:20:44,138 Please bear with me as I share their last will and testament. 418 00:20:44,473 --> 00:20:46,932 To Kamilah, we have left sixty-eight million pounds 419 00:20:47,017 --> 00:20:52,021 the home in Kensington, their yacht, and other assorted weekend boats. 420 00:20:52,481 --> 00:20:55,107 But what did they leave their second-favourite child? 421 00:20:55,484 --> 00:20:58,944 There's still quite a lot of money and property that goes to you. 422 00:20:59,404 --> 00:21:00,696 There is one issue, however. 423 00:21:01,406 --> 00:21:04,658 They have, um... spelled your name incorrectly, in the will. 424 00:21:05,202 --> 00:21:06,076 You've got to be kidding me. 425 00:21:06,286 --> 00:21:11,081 It says, "We bequeath the rest of our estate to Tahini." Like the sauce. 426 00:21:11,666 --> 00:21:14,293 You know what? I don't want the money. 427 00:21:14,753 --> 00:21:16,921 My sister can have it all. 428 00:21:17,297 --> 00:21:22,468 My whole life I have lived in your shadow, but now I'm going to step out of it. 429 00:21:22,719 --> 00:21:27,681 I am going to reach heights of success and sophistication you could only dream of. 430 00:21:28,099 --> 00:21:29,433 Your cardigan's on inside out. 431 00:21:29,684 --> 00:21:33,813 I know! It's a new trend that I am starting. 432 00:21:33,980 --> 00:21:36,774 Just one example of how I'm going to step out of your shadow. 433 00:21:36,983 --> 00:21:40,152 Oh, please wait. I'm obligated to say one more thing. 434 00:21:41,071 --> 00:21:43,155 Kamilah, I'm taken by you. 435 00:21:43,824 --> 00:21:46,784 Your very presence is magnetic. 436 00:21:47,369 --> 00:21:51,288 I may be married and I've never been interested in any woman before 437 00:21:51,623 --> 00:21:55,709 but my attraction for you goes beyond sexuality. 438 00:21:56,878 --> 00:21:59,213 Though it certainly is deeply sexual. 439 00:21:59,756 --> 00:22:03,217 Oh, for crying out loud! Come on! 440 00:22:04,427 --> 00:22:05,469 TAHANI SIGHS 441 00:22:05,554 --> 00:22:08,472 Oh, I'm sorry that I looked at the rankings, Michael. 442 00:22:08,557 --> 00:22:11,559 But I just don't understand how I'm so low. 443 00:22:11,852 --> 00:22:14,812 My entire life I have tried to be extraordinary 444 00:22:14,896 --> 00:22:16,522 but it just never seemed to be enough. 445 00:22:17,065 --> 00:22:22,695 Ah. And you thought you could increase your ranking by helping us fix the sinkhole. 446 00:22:23,488 --> 00:22:24,530 Tahani. 447 00:22:25,282 --> 00:22:28,492 Tahani, the point evaluations stop the moment you die. 448 00:22:28,618 --> 00:22:32,162 But also, out of literally billions 449 00:22:32,622 --> 00:22:35,875 you were one of the most remarkable people on Earth. 450 00:22:36,668 --> 00:22:40,170 You have nothing left to prove, to anyone. 451 00:22:40,922 --> 00:22:41,964 BEEP SOUNDS - Hi there! 452 00:22:42,173 --> 00:22:44,466 The sinkhole has begun to repair itself! - TAHANI GASPS 453 00:22:44,593 --> 00:22:45,634 It has? 454 00:22:45,927 --> 00:22:47,052 Could it be? - But how? 455 00:22:47,137 --> 00:22:50,890 Did I, "Tahani saves the uni--" - No, no, no, still not you. 456 00:22:51,016 --> 00:22:53,225 You had nothing to do with it. We'd better leave immediately. 457 00:22:57,898 --> 00:22:58,939 Oh. Morning, Chidi. 458 00:22:59,024 --> 00:23:01,108 Michael just lifted the lockdown. We can all go outside again. 459 00:23:01,192 --> 00:23:04,486 Say goodbye to Eleanor for us. Oh, she left you a note by the dishes. 460 00:23:06,239 --> 00:23:09,909 And if you ever want to come to our house, break out the massage oils 461 00:23:10,243 --> 00:23:12,161 And, uh... see what unfolds. 462 00:23:12,829 --> 00:23:15,873 Okay. Great. Thank you, Nina. 463 00:23:22,130 --> 00:23:24,089 WIND RUSTLES IN THE TREES 464 00:23:24,424 --> 00:23:25,466 Morning, teach! 465 00:23:25,550 --> 00:23:28,344 Morning. What's this about? 466 00:23:28,678 --> 00:23:30,179 Well, here's what I realised. 467 00:23:30,513 --> 00:23:34,099 It's not just that helping me is a full-time job that you feel you have to do. 468 00:23:35,185 --> 00:23:38,062 The real problem is that the more you help me 469 00:23:38,146 --> 00:23:42,483 the greater the chance is that I can stay here, and me staying here means 470 00:23:42,692 --> 00:23:44,526 you'll never get a real soulmate. 471 00:23:45,612 --> 00:23:47,863 I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare. 472 00:23:47,948 --> 00:23:48,989 CHIDI LAUGHS 473 00:23:49,074 --> 00:23:51,867 Every ounce of my happiness leads to a ton of pain for you. 474 00:23:51,952 --> 00:23:55,829 So, every time the simple fact of my existence 475 00:23:56,206 --> 00:23:57,539 starts to bum you out 476 00:23:58,750 --> 00:24:00,626 I want you to hold this up. 477 00:24:01,628 --> 00:24:03,337 HE LAUGHS - At which point 478 00:24:03,380 --> 00:24:06,298 I will leave you alone, for as long as you need. 479 00:24:07,050 --> 00:24:10,010 I know we'll never be soulmates, but we're friends. 480 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,097 So I'm going to help you have the paradise you always wanted. 481 00:24:14,140 --> 00:24:17,393 Side note, I can't believe this is the paradise you always wanted, but... 482 00:24:17,519 --> 00:24:18,560 CHIDI LAUGHS 483 00:24:18,770 --> 00:24:20,980 get in this boat, and read some boring French poetry. 484 00:24:28,196 --> 00:24:29,238 SHE SIGHS 485 00:24:32,283 --> 00:24:35,786 I... I've never actually done this before. This is... this is a theoretical fantasy. 486 00:24:36,454 --> 00:24:37,830 How do you row a boat? 487 00:24:38,915 --> 00:24:41,250 I tell you, it's good as new. Go ahead, if you want. Just here. 488 00:24:41,459 --> 00:24:43,794 Whoo! See? You can jump up and down on it. 489 00:24:43,878 --> 00:24:46,088 Hey boss, so you fixed the sinkhole? 490 00:24:46,172 --> 00:24:48,424 Yep! Good as new! Crisis averted! 491 00:24:48,508 --> 00:24:52,261 Everybody, have a wonderful day because I fixed the sinkhole. 492 00:24:52,721 --> 00:24:54,054 I didn't fix the sinkhole. 493 00:24:54,472 --> 00:24:57,224 Sorry? - I tried and I tried but nothing worked. 494 00:24:57,308 --> 00:25:00,561 And then all of a sudden, this morning, out of the blue! Just whoop! 495 00:25:00,770 --> 00:25:02,521 It just closed over. 496 00:25:03,523 --> 00:25:06,358 Huh! How about that? 497 00:25:07,027 --> 00:25:10,779 Well, as your assistant, I officially declare this good news! 498 00:25:10,864 --> 00:25:12,656 No, this is terrible news. 499 00:25:13,324 --> 00:25:17,494 I have no idea what caused it, Eleanor, and no idea what fixed it. 500 00:25:18,204 --> 00:25:20,956 I want you to come to my office first thing in the morning. 501 00:25:21,583 --> 00:25:24,960 You and I are gonna find this problem.