So, Aristotle was Plato's student
and Aristotle believes that your character is voluntary
because it's just the result of your actions
which are under your control!
For example, right now, you have made the insane choice
to ignore the person who is literally trying to save you
from eternal damnation. - No, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm listening.
Uh, I just...
are we sure we should be paying attention to these guys?
It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?
Plato.
KNOCKING ON DOOR
Uh, coming!
Uhm... We're just kissing!
And groping? - What?
Hello!
Tahani, hi!
What brings you here? - You know, I was just, uh...
"in the Neighbourhood." SHE LAUGHS
Do you get it, Eleanor?
Because you know we're all in the same afterlife
so you know I'm always "in the Neighbourhood!"
SHE CHUCKLES Do you get it?
I do. And it's delightful.
Anyway, this is for you.
Just a housewarming plant! It's a little reminder that
if there's ever anything that you need, I am right next door.
How could I possibly forget?
Have a great day, Tahani.
Oh. Bye.
DOOR CLOSES
Ugh. Tahani.
IN A MOCKING PITCH "Welcome to the Neighbourhood
even though we all arrived here at the same time!
Here's some dirt I put in a bowl, because I'm amazing!"
LOUD THUD
I thought it was kind of a nice gesture.
Oh, Chidi. It's a total con.
She only does things like this so that we will talk about
how "thoughtful" and "wonderful" she is, but I see through her little act.
Her act of being a nice person who brings you gifts?
Bingo. - Okay, I'll... I'll remind you
that you're trying to learn how to be a good person.
Mm-hmm. - Maybe you should
return the favour - bring her something.
Oh, so now I'm supposed to be nice and make friends
and treat her with mutual respect? - Yeah.
That's exactly what she wants me to do, Chidi. Wake up!
That... that's what everyone wants everyone to do.
MICHAEL: Hello, Chidi!
No frozen yoghurt for you this morning?
Oh, uh... no, just, uh... doing some reading.
Ah, been there, brother.
Workin' hard or hardly workin', am I right?
SHE CHUCKLES Hump day.
MICHAEL: Uh, sorry.
Janet's functioning as my assistant but she's a little stiff
so I've been trying to get her to be a little more casual and conversational.
I'll have what she's having!
It's a work in progress.
Listen, Chidi.
I've been studying your file - you're a very interesting case.
You essentially only did one thing while you were on Earth
you thought and wrote about ethics.
Yes. I... I spent eighteen years
working on my manuscript... - Right.
...called "Who We Are and Who We Are Not..." - No, no, I...
..."colon - Practical Ethics and Their... - Mm-hmm.
...Application in the Modern World... - Yes. Right.
...semi-colon - a Treatise on the..." - Yes, yes, yes!
That's... that's the one.
But searching for moral truths isn't really relevant anymore.
Because here in the Good Place we actually know all the answers.
I think you should experience new adventures, you know
do things that you haven't done on Earth.
Right? So why don't we meet tomorrow and try out some new hobbies.
Uh, why not? HE LAUGHS
I'll... I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Not if I see you first.
Where's the beef? - MICHAEL LAUGHS
I don't know. - Hump day.
KNOCKING ON DOOR - Hello, Eleanor!
Jianyu, darling, look - it's Eleanor from next door!
Is he asleep?
You know, there's really no way to tell.
You know one time I actually thought he was dead.
But then I remembered we're all dead, aren't we?
Such fun. Come in! Come on in!
What brings you to our home, my dear?
Well, I'm simply repaying your kind gift
with a housewarming gift of my own. Fresh pears.
It's a plant, just like your gift, but you can actually eat them
so maybe it's a better gift?
Who's to say? - That's so kind.
However, in, um... Chinese culture, pears are actually a symbol of bad luck.
And I don't want to offend Jianyu, so I'm afraid
I'm going to have to throw these in the garbage.
But do come and sit down!
We haven't even had a chance to discuss all of the mayhem in our neighbourhood yet.
It's so disconcerting.
Yes. What do you think is causing it?
Oh, I'm sure I don't know.
But we must keep our heads up.
In fact, tomorrow I'm actually going door-to-door to make sure
that every single person in this entire neighbourhood
is "keeping calm and carrying on."
'Cause I think that helping others
will make me feel like I truly belong here, you know?
Here's a brainstorm - why don't I go with you?
I mean, I would love to do my part to help the neighbourhood -
not to mention get a little bonding time with you, lady!
Oh, hurrah!
TAHANI LAUGHS Such fun!
ELEANOR: I'm telling you, Tahani's out to get me.
Wha-what are you talking about?
This note was slipped under my door yesterday.
It has to be Tahani.
She just said to me, "I want to feel like I truly belong here."
Well, where have I seen the word "belong" recently?
Oh, yeah - Ka-plow!
Okay, I really don't think she's the type of person who would write this.
She is that kind of person, and she did write it.
She wants everybody to think she's such a perfect princess
just 'cause she's tall, and glamorous, and has cappuccino skin
and curves everywhere, and now I'm complimenting her.
And kind of turned on!
The point is, she straight-up sucks, bro.
CRACKING
Whoa...
Typical Tahani.
Brings us a faulty plant, so she can brag about being a better gardener.
No - I think this is another way in which your negative actions affect this world.
This plant represents your relationship to Tahani
so when you're mean to her, it starts to wilt.
Well, then this plant is doomed, because tomorrow I'm going with her
and I'm gonna prove to you and to everyone that she is secretly a two-faced
calculating, phony bench.
WHINING - SHE CHUCKLES
Yeah, truth hurts, doesn't it, plant?
SHE IMPERSONATES TAHANI Hello!
Oh! Come on in.
I'll be ready in a jiff.
Jianyu, darling, look - it's Eleanor from next door again!
The one who brought the offensive fruit.
Ah, yes. What an embarrassing blunder on my part.
Oh, no. Don't give it a second thought.
I wouldn't expect anyone else to have my understanding of international etiquette.
Hey, um... any idea why they gave you such a big house?
I mean, if we were in America and... and you had like a big truck
I would think you might be compensating for something.
Yes, well American men can be very silly.
You know I used to do quite a cutting impression
of an ex-boyfriend of mine from the States.
He'd be all like, "Hey, I'm so rich. I have nine houses.
I'm Leonardo DiCaprio." SHE LAUGHS
It's just so silly.
Anyway, I should've guessed that you would want to help our neighbourhood.
We are birds of a feather, you and I.
We make every effort to be our best selves.
Mmm.
Hey, babe. Got you coffee.
Ah, great.
Oh. Andy's Coffee?
Uh, we shouldn't go there. Everybody's boycotting.
Yeah, I know that one guy found a scorpion in his latte.
I don't really care, though, 'cause it's so close to here.
No, no, no, no, it's because he's sexually harassing people.
Look, a journalist went undercover for an interview and recorded him.
Here, watch.
Here's the thing, sweetheart. You are very qualified, but you're also
what we call in the coffee shop game, a "dog-face."
You're a three, and you have to be a nine to work here.
It's just math.
GIRL: So, I didn't get the job? - HE LAUGHS
No! Dog-face, you didn't get the job.
All right, I'll check your references.
Just to be... - Hey, my breasts!
...nice, I'll check them. Oh! They're good. Honk!
I mean this guy's a monster. We can't support this guy.
Okay, hey, you're not better than me
just 'cause you won't support a guy who grabbed a boob once.
No, I'm just saying we shouldn't go there.
We can get coffee somewhere else.
Did you know your left reference
is a little bit bigger than your right reference?
It's not a bad thing. It's just... it's a thing.
This is the perfect hobby for you, Chidi.
Cartography!
Your neighbourhood stretches way beyond what you've already seen.
And you can map it
revealing all of the mysteries, like an explorer!
I see how that might be fun.
Uh, but exploring makes me nervous.
I have what doctors call "directional insanity."
I once got lost on an escalator.
So, not exactly Christopher Columbus.
Fun fact - Columbus is in the Bad Place
because of all the raping, slave trade, and genocide.
The fact that it makes you nervous is exactly why you should do it.
You know, get out of your comfort zone.
Become a trailblazer.
Fun fact - all deceased members of the Portland Trail Blazers basketball team
are also in the Bad Place.
Ah. Yeah. - SHE LAUGHS
Sorry about this. I steered her away from colloquialisms
and into "fun facts" and trivia titbits.
I thought it'd be more in her wheelhouse.
Fun fact - a "wheelhouse" is a part of a boat.
Okay, thank you, Janet. Thank you.
Fun fact - Janet is me.
All right, let's forget about exploring.
Plenty more ideas for hobbies.
Let's walk back to town, shall we?
MICHAEL: Okay. Hang on.
Wrong way! - Yep!
So all I want to do is just check in, see how everyone's holding up -
just bring some cheer to these extraordinary people.
Cool.
So tell me about yourself.
I mean, I want to hear it all, girlfriend! The good, the bad, the really bad,
the embarrassing, the humiliating...
just... let's bond!
Okay. Well, I... I was born in Pakistan, raised in London, schooled in Paris.
But I think the primary reason I'm in the Good Place
is that I raised quite a lot of money for non-profit groups.
Oh! Did you ever, uh... skim a little off the top, for yourself?
Gracious, no! No! Every penny was accounted for.
And as I raised nearly sixty billion dollars
that was quite a lot of pennies! - SHE CHUCKLES
But I also dabbled in some other professions.
I was a model, a museum curator, and "It Girl," and...
oh, I was Baz Luhrmann's muse for a while.
That was quite fun.
Modelling - that's a crazy life.
Wanna tell me about that rock-bottom you probably hit?
Oh, I didn't really do it for long.
Couture just doesn't fit my body.
I'm cursed with ample bosom.
And yet, you soldier on! - Oh, this is silly.
So, "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic
and Al-Jamil means "beautiful."
So my full name all together means...
"Congratulations, Beautiful."
Thanks, Eleanor! You big flirt. SHE CHUCKLES
Extra! Extra!
Read all about you!
Chidi, this is the perfect hobby for you - journalism.
Well, obviously, I... I like to write.
But I don't love deadlines.
I prefer to take my time with things.
Yes, I know.
Uh, you never even named your dog, did you?
When it ran away, you posted signs saying, "Responds to long pauses."
Look, Chidi. I'm just trying to find you a hobby that - the hat -
that will bring you a positive experience.
What do you say?
I'm loving that hat on you.
It would look even better on my floor. - What is happening now?
I suggested she be friendlier.
She seems to have slipped right into overt sexuality.
I got something you can slip into.
Oh... - Janet, no! No, Janet!
Well, Glenn, we just wanted to make sure you were all right.
Tahani! You're too sweet!
Oh. - Isn't she just the nicest person?
Mm-hmm.
That is what a lot of people are saying.
Oh, everyone I know is saying that. - Yeah.
It's just a big neighbourhood full of enormous mansions
and people who love Tahani!
There's also a heck of a lot of yoghurt.
Excellent observation, Glenn. - THEY LAUGH
Eleanor and I just want to see if there's anything we can do to help you?
Oh, Tahani, you are so thoughtful!
Despite all the chaos earlier, we simply couldn't be happier.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Cualli!
Please take a maple butter scone.
I made them fresh this morning!
Ooh, they look a bit burnt.
But they're not.
Hmm. Oh, fork, that's good!
Okay! - SAW NOISES
Arc welding! You could learn sculpture
you could make furniture
you could get your hands a little greasy, you know, and you make things!
And, by the way, this is an exact replica of Brancusi's workshop in Paris.
HE LAUGHS - This equipment is very scary.
Don't be a baby. It can't hurt you.
Watch. I'll blowtorch your face off. - Janet!
Whatever. This whole thing is stupid.
Oh, brother.
I told her to be less flirty. - METAL HITS THE FLOOR
Now she's cruel and distant, apparently.
I just can't get this right.
Thank you for trying to find me a new hobby, uh...
but I just want to be an academic.
I want to keep working on my manuscript.
Chidi, here's the thing.
See, I... I read your whole book - all thirty-six hundred pages of it.
It's, um... how shall I put this?
It's a mess, dude.
Hey!
She's right.
You see, Chidi, I can read the entirety of the world's literature in about an hour.
This took me two weeks to get through.
I mean, it's so convoluted!
I just kept reading the same paragraph over and over again
trying to figure out what the heck you were saying.
Oh, no. - I mean, on...
on page one thousand, you start section two with the sentence -
"Of course, the exact opposite might be true."
You're a brilliant guy, Chidi, but you just kept revising, and rewriting
and adding words to your title.
I think you just twisted yourself up into a knot.
I have a very bad stomach ache.
Oh, Jianyu, darling, would you like some tea?
That nod meant "no," apparently.
Well, it was nice to get out and meet all of our wonderful neighbours.
They all truly belong here.
Mmm. Yes, they do, cutie pants!
Boop!
Well! I should really be going. I have to begin
my twelve-step Korean skin care regimen but, uh...
I'll see you... oh, no, no, no.
Please, stay and enjoy the evening tea.
I'll see you soon.
I can't even tell if you've kissed my cheek or the air around it.
Oh. Thank you. That's the goal.
Boop!
ELEANOR: "The Diary of Tahani Al-Jamil."
Hey, man!
DOOR CLOSES
What's wrong?
Am I a good teacher?
Am I... am I clear, do I make sense?
Yeah, you're a great teacher! I'm super ethical now.
What's that? - Hmm?
Nah... Don't worry about it.
SHE SIGHS
I stole Tahani's diary so I could see if her handwriting matches the note
and also read about all the mean and terrible things she's definitely done
so I can prove she's actually evil.
FIRE ROARS
Huh.
What do you think that means?
It's tough to interpret.
Feels positive though.
You stole Tahani's diary?
I know I broke some ethical rule but I had good reason.
Eleanor. In order to be a good person you have to do good things.
And not stealing people's stuff, that is just a basic kindergarten rule.
I mean, do I also have to tell you to not throw sand?
First of all, throwing sand is an excellent way to put out a vodka fire.
Why would you even know that?
Second of all, I know that it may not be "nice"
but neither is pretending to be one hundred percent perfect
like Tahani does.
She wrote that note. - No, she didn't!
You did!
I... I was hoping you would come to this conclusion on your own
but obviously, no one here would ever threaten you.
That note is the Good Place manifesting your own guilt -
like with the plant, or when you literally made giant shrimp fly through the air.
I wrote myself the note!
And as it turns out I do belong here
because I'm just as good as everyone else.
And... and nobody is at fault for anything.
Oh! You, sir, are an excellent teacher.
No, no, no. You don't belong here.
And in this place, everyone is better than you.
It has been proven by an infallible formula.
Tahani might be a little British and condescending at times
but she devoted her entire life to helping other people.
I mean when you were with her today, did she do anything to indicate
that she might be secretly out to get you?
No. Because I was there to thwart her plan.
Or because the only plan was to comfort people.
She's a good person. Accept that.
Hey, babe. Great news. I got us tickets to the Coyotes' game.
Awesome! - But, ooh, yikes.
Turns out two of the players have "DUI"s.
Guess we can't cheer for that team.
Eleanor...
You know what? Instead, let's just stay in, watch a Roman Polanski movie
listen to R. Kelly, and eat Chik-Fil-A.
Does that sound good? - HE SIGHS
There's bad stuff everywhere, man.
It's impossible to avoid.
Yeah, but... shouldn't we just try?
Shouldn't we just try to do the right thing, whenever we can?
Why? It's so much harder to live like that, and it's not like someone's keeping score.
HE SIGHS - Look, I know you're gonna break up with me.
Okay? I'm not an idiot.
I read your emails to your dad.
Oh, my God. - Have fun being
so amazing and perfect until you die.
And by the way, I'm talking really fast because I still go to Andy's Coffee
and I got a full punch card, bro!
SHE BREATHES DEEPLY
Good people make me insecure.
When I'm around someone who I think is "better" than me
I try and drag them down to my level.
That's why perfect Tahani is like my kryptonite.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe Tahani
has her own set of insecurities and anxieties?
Never.
That woman has zero problems.
Her biggest flaw is that she makes a weird face
when she sneezes and even that is actually charming
because she looks like a baby deer.
The point is... you were right.
About why I reacted to her the way I did.
Well, maybe even admitting that is an important step.
And also, maybe don't listen to me.
I would love not to listen to you.
Wait, what?
Basically, my life's work is thirty-six hundred pages of garbage.
Even, Michael couldn't understand it.
So? What does Michael know?
Everything.
That's my point - he knows everything, and it was too convoluted even for him.
Michael does not know everything.
Michael does not know I'm not supposed to be here.
You wrote four thousand pages
on one of the most complicated subjects in the world!
I mean I used to get bored halfway through writing a text message.
Be proud!
I want to broaden my horizons and try new things and I will.
But even though I might have gotten lost in the weeds
I loved writing this book, and I want to try again.
So...
will you be my advisor? - Chidi
all I want is for you to be happy.
So if spending eternity getting blunt feedback on your circular
rambling ideas will make you happy, then of course I will be your advisor!
Let's throw that monstrosity in the trash and start over!
Aren't there maybe some parts worth salvaging?
Honestly, man, I don't even know. I mean that thing is unreadable.
I literally learned what headaches were because that thing gave me a headache.
Okay.
There you go! New beginnings! Well done.
WHINING
TAHANI SOBS
SHE GASPS Oh! Hello, Eleanor.
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Hi. Sorry, I was just cleaning up.
You okay?
Do you want to talk about it?
Desperately.
It's Jianyu.
I just can't seem to connect with him.
I know that he took a vow of silence
but he won't even talk to me, his soulmate!
And I adore talking.
I know. You do.
Eleanor, you don't know what it's like to be in paradise
and feel like there's something just not quite right.
Well...
I may not know exactly what you're feeling, but I do understand.
And you deserve to be happy, because...
you are an impressive, thoughtful, and special person.
Not to mention...
you have a rockin' bod. - SHE LAUGHS
I mean, Jianyu may be mute, but he's not blind.
You two belong here, and you belong together.
And, you have all of eternity
so there's plenty of time for things to change.
Oh, thank you. I really needed to hear that.
Come here.
Ugh! Of course your hugs are amazing.
SHE YAWNS
SHE GASPS
Stupid ledge. No stairs.
Hmm!
Everyone here is really into hugging.
Looks like someone learned something.
Well... it's 'cause someone else is a really good teacher.
Eleanor! Hello.
How are you, my dear, sweet "bestie?" SHE LAUGHS
Never better. What's up?
Well, Janet has been acting as my assistant.
It... it's not what she was designed to do. It didn't go "great."
But now I'm back to normal.
It turns out that the best Janet
was the Janet that was inside Janet all along.
She was feeling a little lost
so I gave her a self-help book to restore her confidence.
Now I'm living my truth and creating my bliss.
Yes. But anyway, um... look
Michael asked me if I would serve as his assistant
but I'd quite like to focus on my relationship with Jianyu.
So, I recommended you for the job.
SHE LAUGHS - Eleanor, you and I could work side by side
to figure out what's going wrong with this neighbourhood.
Will you help me?
How could I say no?
Hurrah! Hurrah! - Hurrah!
SHE SIGHS
What now?
Relax, Eleanor. You sent this to yourself.
This is your own guilt, manifesting itself.
I've been waiting for you.
Jianyu? You talk now?
You sent me these threatening notes?
What the fork, man?
Some Buddhist monk you are!
You don't belong here. Admit it.
Okay, you're right. I don't belong here.
Michael made a mistake. But I'm trying, dude.
I'm really trying to be a good person, and I think I'm changing, for the better.
So just please, please don't rat me out.
Don't worry. I won't. - SHE SIGHS
Because I'm not supposed to be here either!
I don't know how I got here, I have no idea what's going on
and I'm freaking out, homey!
You gotta help me! I'm scared!
What?