1 00:00:01,064 --> 00:00:04,149 SOOTHING WATER SOUNDS 2 00:00:04,817 --> 00:00:06,360 TWINKLING SOUNDS 3 00:00:19,415 --> 00:00:21,583 SHE SIGHS JOYFULLY - DOOR OPENS 4 00:00:23,503 --> 00:00:25,629 Eleanor? Come on in. 5 00:00:36,891 --> 00:00:38,892 Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael. 6 00:00:39,852 --> 00:00:40,852 How are you today? 7 00:00:41,062 --> 00:00:42,980 I'm great. Thanks for asking. 8 00:00:43,731 --> 00:00:44,982 Oh, one question. 9 00:00:45,733 --> 00:00:48,277 Where am I? Who are you? And what's going on? 10 00:00:49,070 --> 00:00:50,070 Right. So... 11 00:00:50,363 --> 00:00:53,240 you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. 12 00:00:53,449 --> 00:00:55,033 Your life on Earth has ended 13 00:00:55,076 --> 00:00:59,037 and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe. 14 00:01:01,666 --> 00:01:04,084 Cool. Cool. 15 00:01:04,544 --> 00:01:05,711 I have some questions. 16 00:01:05,753 --> 00:01:06,712 Thought you might. 17 00:01:06,754 --> 00:01:10,257 How did I die? I... I don't remember. - Yes, um... 18 00:01:10,550 --> 00:01:13,176 in cases of traumatic or embarrassing deaths 19 00:01:13,219 --> 00:01:17,180 we erase the memory, to allow for a peaceful transition. 20 00:01:17,682 --> 00:01:18,974 Are you sure you want to hear? 21 00:01:19,767 --> 00:01:22,769 All right, so you were in a grocery store parking lot. 22 00:01:22,937 --> 00:01:24,813 You dropped a bottle of something called 23 00:01:25,189 --> 00:01:27,983 "Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One" 24 00:01:28,318 --> 00:01:32,362 and when you bent down to pick it up, a long column of shopping carts 25 00:01:32,822 --> 00:01:35,407 that were being returned to the shopping cart collection area 26 00:01:35,450 --> 00:01:38,910 rolled out of control and ploughed right into you. 27 00:01:39,037 --> 00:01:41,413 "Oof." That's how I died. 28 00:01:41,456 --> 00:01:42,623 No, sorry, there's more. 29 00:01:42,957 --> 00:01:45,792 Well, you were able to grab onto the front of the column of shopping carts 30 00:01:45,835 --> 00:01:49,755 but it swept you right out into the street, where you were struck and killed 31 00:01:49,839 --> 00:01:55,636 by a mobile billboard truck advertising an erectile dysfunction pill 32 00:01:55,678 --> 00:01:57,220 called "Engorge-ulate." 33 00:01:57,847 --> 00:02:01,141 Funnily enough, the first "EMT" to arrive was an ex-boyfriend of yours. 34 00:02:01,184 --> 00:02:03,685 Okay. That's... I get it. Thank you. - Okay, sorry. 35 00:02:03,728 --> 00:02:06,146 Um, so who was right? 36 00:02:06,606 --> 00:02:08,899 I mean about all of this? 37 00:02:08,941 --> 00:02:09,775 Well, let's see. 38 00:02:09,817 --> 00:02:13,362 Hindus are a little bit right, Muslims a little bit 39 00:02:13,738 --> 00:02:18,992 Jews, Christians, Buddhists - every religion guessed about five percent. 40 00:02:19,619 --> 00:02:20,911 Except for Doug Forcett. 41 00:02:21,079 --> 00:02:22,454 Who... who is Doug Forcett? 42 00:02:22,580 --> 00:02:27,376 Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during the 1970s. 43 00:02:27,627 --> 00:02:31,672 One night he got really high on mushrooms, and his best friend Randy said 44 00:02:32,215 --> 00:02:34,633 "Hey, what do you think happens after we die?" 45 00:02:34,676 --> 00:02:38,261 And Doug just launched into this long monologue 46 00:02:38,304 --> 00:02:40,931 where he got like ninety-two percent correct. 47 00:02:40,973 --> 00:02:41,848 HE CHUCKLES I mean 48 00:02:41,891 --> 00:02:43,600 we couldn't believe what we were hearing. 49 00:02:43,643 --> 00:02:45,143 That's him, actually, right up there. 50 00:02:45,603 --> 00:02:46,978 He's pretty famous around here. 51 00:02:47,271 --> 00:02:48,689 I'm very lucky to have that. 52 00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:51,274 So, maybe my biggest question. 53 00:02:51,609 --> 00:02:53,860 Am I... I mean is this... 54 00:02:56,572 --> 00:02:58,615 or... you know? 55 00:02:58,783 --> 00:03:03,704 Well, it's not the "heaven" or "hell" idea that you were raised on. 56 00:03:04,497 --> 00:03:05,914 But generally speaking 57 00:03:06,624 --> 00:03:10,919 in the afterlife, there's a Good Place, and there's a Bad Place. 58 00:03:12,588 --> 00:03:14,089 You' re in the Good Place. 59 00:03:14,590 --> 00:03:16,216 SHE SIGHS - You're okay, Eleanor. 60 00:03:16,759 --> 00:03:18,135 You' re in the Good Place. 61 00:03:18,344 --> 00:03:19,553 Well, that's good. 62 00:03:19,846 --> 00:03:21,388 Sure is. Ha! 63 00:03:21,889 --> 00:03:23,682 Okay. Let's take a walk, shall we? 64 00:03:26,102 --> 00:03:27,519 Oh, did I have a purse? 65 00:03:27,979 --> 00:03:30,272 No, I'm dead. Right. Okay. 66 00:03:35,528 --> 00:03:37,446 So, are you... 67 00:03:37,822 --> 00:03:39,614 I mean, this sounds like a crazy question 68 00:03:39,657 --> 00:03:41,158 but are you "God?" 69 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:42,909 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 70 00:03:42,952 --> 00:03:45,078 There are many levels above me, Eleanor 71 00:03:45,121 --> 00:03:47,748 before you get to the Supreme Commander 72 00:03:47,790 --> 00:03:50,500 Zortraxx the Merciless Frog God 73 00:03:50,543 --> 00:03:51,501 long may he reign. 74 00:03:53,004 --> 00:03:54,755 I'm kidding. - HE LAUGHS 75 00:03:55,047 --> 00:03:56,506 I'm sorry. - SHE SIGHS 76 00:03:56,549 --> 00:03:58,759 No, no, no, no, no. It's not a giant frog. 77 00:03:58,801 --> 00:04:00,177 Oh. Whew. 78 00:04:00,553 --> 00:04:01,595 No, it's just my little joke. 79 00:04:01,637 --> 00:04:04,598 Um, seriously, though. I'm... I'm not a god. 80 00:04:04,724 --> 00:04:09,144 Eleanor, I'm... I'm an architect, and I designed this Neighbourhood. 81 00:04:09,395 --> 00:04:10,771 So this is how it works. 82 00:04:10,855 --> 00:04:13,982 The Good Place is divided into distinct "Neighbourhoods." 83 00:04:14,150 --> 00:04:17,736 Each one contains exactly three hundred and twenty-two people 84 00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:23,658 who have been perfectly selected to blend together into a blissful harmonic balance. 85 00:04:23,951 --> 00:04:25,952 Do all the neighbourhoods look like this? 86 00:04:25,995 --> 00:04:27,496 No - every neighbourhood is unique. 87 00:04:27,538 --> 00:04:31,750 Some have warm weather, some cold, some are cities, some farmland. 88 00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:36,129 But in each one every blade of grass, every ladybug 89 00:04:36,297 --> 00:04:41,468 every detail has been precisely designed and calibrated for its residents. 90 00:04:41,719 --> 00:04:44,012 There's a lot of frozen yoghurt places. 91 00:04:44,347 --> 00:04:47,307 Yeah. That's the one thing we put in all the neighbourhoods. 92 00:04:47,642 --> 00:04:49,059 People love frozen yoghurt. 93 00:04:49,101 --> 00:04:50,477 I don't know what to tell you. 94 00:04:51,813 --> 00:04:53,855 You're going to have a million more questions, I know. 95 00:04:54,148 --> 00:04:56,358 For right now, you better grab a seat. 96 00:04:56,567 --> 00:04:57,859 Movie's about to begin. 97 00:04:59,946 --> 00:05:03,031 INDISTINCT CHATTER 98 00:05:04,325 --> 00:05:05,492 HE LAUGHS 99 00:05:05,535 --> 00:05:10,622 Hello, everyone, and welcome to your first day in the afterlife! 100 00:05:11,290 --> 00:05:14,584 You were all simply-put: good people. 101 00:05:14,710 --> 00:05:16,878 But how do we know that you were good? 102 00:05:16,921 --> 00:05:18,046 How are we sure? 103 00:05:19,382 --> 00:05:22,634 During your time on Earth, every one of your actions 104 00:05:22,677 --> 00:05:24,135 had a positive... - DING 105 00:05:24,345 --> 00:05:25,679 ...or a negative value... - BUZZ 106 00:05:25,972 --> 00:05:28,098 ...depending on how much good or bad 107 00:05:28,307 --> 00:05:30,684 that action put into the universe. 108 00:05:30,893 --> 00:05:34,896 Every sandwich you ate, every time you bought a magazine 109 00:05:34,939 --> 00:05:40,569 every single thing you did had an effect that rippled out over time 110 00:05:40,611 --> 00:05:43,738 and ultimately created some amount of good or bad. 111 00:05:44,282 --> 00:05:46,491 You know how some people pull into the breakdown lane 112 00:05:46,534 --> 00:05:48,660 when there's traffic, and they think to themselves 113 00:05:48,703 --> 00:05:50,871 "Ah, who cares? No one's watching." 114 00:05:51,706 --> 00:05:53,707 We were watching. Surprise. 115 00:05:53,749 --> 00:05:55,125 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 116 00:05:55,209 --> 00:05:58,086 Anyway, when your time on Earth has ended 117 00:05:58,337 --> 00:06:01,131 we calculate the total value of your life 118 00:06:01,424 --> 00:06:04,259 using our perfectly accurate measuring system. 119 00:06:04,510 --> 00:06:07,470 Only the people with the very highest scores - 120 00:06:07,513 --> 00:06:09,014 the true cream of the crop - 121 00:06:09,056 --> 00:06:11,057 get to come here, to The Good Place! 122 00:06:11,267 --> 00:06:13,143 What happens to everyone else, you ask? 123 00:06:14,186 --> 00:06:15,145 Don't worry about it. 124 00:06:15,396 --> 00:06:17,814 The point is: you are here because you lived 125 00:06:17,857 --> 00:06:20,817 one of the very best lives that could be lived. 126 00:06:20,985 --> 00:06:25,822 And you won't be alone! Your true soulmate is here too! 127 00:06:26,449 --> 00:06:28,658 THEY GASP IN AWE - That's right - soulmates are real. 128 00:06:29,076 --> 00:06:33,496 One of the other people in your neighbourhood is your actual soulmate 129 00:06:33,539 --> 00:06:35,999 and you will spend eternity together! 130 00:06:37,543 --> 00:06:39,794 So welcome to eternal happiness. 131 00:06:40,087 --> 00:06:42,130 Welcome to The Good Place. 132 00:06:42,423 --> 00:06:45,634 Sponsored by otters holding hands while they sleep. 133 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,177 ALL: Aw! - You know the way you feel 134 00:06:47,219 --> 00:06:49,888 when you see a picture of two otters holding hands? 135 00:06:50,389 --> 00:06:53,141 That's how you're going to feel every day. 136 00:06:53,351 --> 00:06:55,602 APPLAUSE 137 00:06:56,395 --> 00:06:59,022 So, who is in The Bad Place that would shock me? 138 00:06:59,065 --> 00:06:59,940 Ah... 139 00:07:00,232 --> 00:07:05,070 well, Mozart, Picasso, Elvis, basically, every artist, ever. 140 00:07:05,237 --> 00:07:07,614 Uh... every US President except Lincoln. 141 00:07:07,657 --> 00:07:08,615 ELEANOR: That sounds about right. 142 00:07:08,824 --> 00:07:10,450 Walt Disney. - Really? 143 00:07:10,493 --> 00:07:11,576 Oh, yeah, yeah. 144 00:07:11,619 --> 00:07:13,203 They went to town on Disney. 145 00:07:13,704 --> 00:07:17,499 He has to spend eternity in a broken down boat 146 00:07:17,541 --> 00:07:21,044 on the "Small World" ride with eight very tired children 147 00:07:21,087 --> 00:07:23,672 and they made it so he really has to pee. HE CHUCKLES 148 00:07:23,714 --> 00:07:25,382 ELEANOR: What about Florence Nightingale? 149 00:07:25,424 --> 00:07:27,175 MICHAEL: That was close but no, she didn't make it. 150 00:07:27,218 --> 00:07:30,387 Wow, all those amazing people down there. 151 00:07:30,429 --> 00:07:32,097 It just seems so hard to believe. 152 00:07:32,223 --> 00:07:35,517 Again, it's an incredibly selective system. 153 00:07:35,559 --> 00:07:37,394 Most people don't make it here. 154 00:07:37,645 --> 00:07:41,982 But you: a lawyer, who got innocent people off death row. 155 00:07:42,233 --> 00:07:43,858 You're special, Eleanor. 156 00:07:44,944 --> 00:07:46,027 And by the way... 157 00:07:47,113 --> 00:07:48,989 welcome to your new home. - SHE GASPS 158 00:07:49,448 --> 00:07:51,074 MICHAEL: Ah! It's perfect, isn't it? 159 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,119 You see, in The Good Place every person gets to live 160 00:07:54,161 --> 00:07:57,789 in a home that perfectly matches his or her true essence. 161 00:07:58,332 --> 00:07:59,332 Cool. 162 00:07:59,625 --> 00:08:04,671 So, I guess that's why my house, for example, is this adorable little cottage 163 00:08:04,714 --> 00:08:07,549 whereas other people might have homes that are bigger 164 00:08:08,342 --> 00:08:09,342 like that one. 165 00:08:10,177 --> 00:08:11,052 MICHAEL: Exactly. 166 00:08:11,303 --> 00:08:12,637 Ah, I'm so happy you get it. 167 00:08:13,764 --> 00:08:17,350 As you can see, the interior has been decorated just as you like it 168 00:08:17,810 --> 00:08:20,145 in the "Icelandic primitive" style. 169 00:08:20,896 --> 00:08:25,191 Oh, oh! And, uh... of course, you love clowns, so... 170 00:08:26,444 --> 00:08:28,028 I do love clowns. 171 00:08:28,362 --> 00:08:31,364 Now, let me show you the, uh... the video system here. 172 00:08:34,118 --> 00:08:37,996 You can review everything that happened in your life from your point of view. 173 00:08:38,956 --> 00:08:40,040 BEEP - There we go. 174 00:08:40,416 --> 00:08:42,792 This is your Human Rights mission to Ukraine. 175 00:08:43,586 --> 00:08:46,796 I mean, you got a ton of points for that one. It really put you over the top. 176 00:08:48,049 --> 00:08:48,923 MICHAEL: Oh. 177 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:50,967 Chidi! Come on in. 178 00:08:52,261 --> 00:08:55,764 Eleanor? I'm Chidi Anagonye. 179 00:08:56,140 --> 00:08:58,349 And you are my soulmate. 180 00:09:00,561 --> 00:09:02,562 Cool. Bring it in, man. 181 00:09:03,355 --> 00:09:06,024 MICHAEL: Now, excuse me. I have other people to attend to. 182 00:09:06,776 --> 00:09:08,234 So, where are you from, Chidi? 183 00:09:08,486 --> 00:09:11,988 Well, I was born in Nigeria, raised in Senegal. 184 00:09:12,031 --> 00:09:14,157 But my work took me all over the place - 185 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,493 Australia, Hong Kong, Paris... 186 00:09:17,161 --> 00:09:18,036 What about you? 187 00:09:18,496 --> 00:09:22,040 I was born in Phoenix, Arizona. 188 00:09:22,458 --> 00:09:25,293 Then I went to school in Tempe, Arizona. 189 00:09:25,336 --> 00:09:28,797 And then I moved back to Phoenix, Arizona. 190 00:09:30,841 --> 00:09:32,342 Your English is amazing. 191 00:09:32,802 --> 00:09:33,676 Oh! 192 00:09:34,053 --> 00:09:36,137 I'm actually speaking French. 193 00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:38,014 This place just translates whatever you say 194 00:09:38,057 --> 00:09:40,225 into a language the other person can understand. 195 00:09:40,267 --> 00:09:41,893 So, it's incredible! - Whoa. 196 00:09:42,269 --> 00:09:45,021 And now I want to say this... - Okay. 197 00:09:45,689 --> 00:09:46,564 Eleanor. 198 00:09:46,899 --> 00:09:52,278 I have spent my entire life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the universe 199 00:09:52,321 --> 00:09:57,075 and now we can actually learn about them, together, as soulmates. 200 00:09:58,494 --> 00:09:59,661 It's overwhelming! 201 00:10:01,664 --> 00:10:05,375 Chidi? You'll stand by my side no matter what, right? 202 00:10:05,835 --> 00:10:07,168 Of course, I will. 203 00:10:07,211 --> 00:10:12,799 Promise me. Say "I promise I will never betray you for any reason." 204 00:10:12,925 --> 00:10:15,885 Eleanor, I swear that I will never say 205 00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:20,098 or do anything to cause you any harm. 206 00:10:20,516 --> 00:10:21,391 Good. 207 00:10:21,433 --> 00:10:24,102 Because those aren't my memories. I wasn't a lawyer. 208 00:10:24,228 --> 00:10:26,855 I never went to the Ukraine. I hate clowns. 209 00:10:27,773 --> 00:10:29,607 There's been a big mistake. 210 00:10:30,609 --> 00:10:32,610 I'm not supposed to be here. 211 00:10:36,949 --> 00:10:37,824 Wait, what? 212 00:10:39,535 --> 00:10:40,952 BIRDS CHIRP 213 00:10:41,495 --> 00:10:42,829 FROG CROAKS 214 00:10:44,748 --> 00:10:46,374 CHILDREN IMITATE ANIMALS 215 00:10:47,626 --> 00:10:48,751 Are you sure this isn't you? 216 00:10:48,794 --> 00:10:52,380 Yeah, man, I'm pretty sure I wasn't a death row lawyer 217 00:10:52,423 --> 00:10:55,925 who collected clown paintings and rescued orphans. 218 00:10:56,051 --> 00:10:58,136 They got my name right, but nothing else. 219 00:10:58,179 --> 00:11:00,722 I mean somebody royally forked up. 220 00:11:01,807 --> 00:11:02,974 Somebody forked up. 221 00:11:04,435 --> 00:11:05,476 Why can't I say fork? 222 00:11:05,519 --> 00:11:07,562 If you're trying to curse, you can't here. 223 00:11:07,605 --> 00:11:09,564 I guess a lot of people in this neighbourhood don't like it 224 00:11:09,607 --> 00:11:11,399 so it's prohibited. - That's "bullshirt." 225 00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:15,570 So, uh... if you're not this person then who are you? 226 00:11:15,613 --> 00:11:16,696 What did you do for a living? 227 00:11:16,989 --> 00:11:20,742 I was in sales. 228 00:11:21,076 --> 00:11:22,660 So, we sell two products here. 229 00:11:22,703 --> 00:11:25,413 "NasaPro, " and "NasaPro Silver," we aim this at seniors. 230 00:11:25,706 --> 00:11:30,793 Now, you can't legally call it "medicine," because it doesn't technically "work" 231 00:11:31,170 --> 00:11:33,880 and it is, technically, chalk. 232 00:11:34,256 --> 00:11:36,299 So, what you're gonna want to do... - You need me to lie to old people 233 00:11:36,342 --> 00:11:38,051 and scare them into buying fake medicine. 234 00:11:38,093 --> 00:11:39,010 I get it, man. 235 00:11:39,053 --> 00:11:40,136 Which one's my desk? 236 00:11:40,846 --> 00:11:45,350 So your job was to defraud the elderly. 237 00:11:45,392 --> 00:11:47,727 Sorry - the sick and elderly. 238 00:11:47,770 --> 00:11:48,978 But I was very good at it. 239 00:11:49,146 --> 00:11:51,356 I was the top salesperson five years running. 240 00:11:51,607 --> 00:11:52,607 Okay, but that's worse. 241 00:11:52,858 --> 00:11:55,026 I mean you... you do get how that's worse 242 00:11:55,194 --> 00:11:56,486 right? - Mmm. 243 00:11:58,155 --> 00:12:00,907 You know, maybe it's a test. 244 00:12:00,950 --> 00:12:03,743 Maybe, if you go to Michael then you tell him the truth 245 00:12:03,786 --> 00:12:06,246 you' II pass the test, and you'll get to stay. 246 00:12:06,538 --> 00:12:08,790 No way, I can't risk going to The Bad Place. 247 00:12:08,832 --> 00:12:11,834 Okay, well, maybe it's not actually like all that bad. 248 00:12:11,961 --> 00:12:13,920 Let's just get some information first. 249 00:12:13,963 --> 00:12:15,463 We'll ask Janet. Hey, Janet? 250 00:12:15,673 --> 00:12:16,506 Hi, there. - Argh! 251 00:12:16,548 --> 00:12:18,383 How can I help you? - What the fork? 252 00:12:18,425 --> 00:12:20,093 Who are you? - I'm Janet. 253 00:12:20,135 --> 00:12:23,096 I'm the informational assistant here in The Good Place. 254 00:12:23,138 --> 00:12:25,556 She's like this walking database. 255 00:12:25,599 --> 00:12:29,310 You can ask her about the creation of the universe, or history, or... 256 00:12:29,353 --> 00:12:33,564 Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002. 257 00:12:33,607 --> 00:12:35,233 His name was Kevin Paltonic. 258 00:12:35,818 --> 00:12:37,110 Is he gay? - No. 259 00:12:37,278 --> 00:12:38,152 Really? 260 00:12:38,988 --> 00:12:41,489 Huh. I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me. 261 00:12:41,532 --> 00:12:42,949 That's correct. - Well, that's fine. 262 00:12:42,992 --> 00:12:44,826 I wasn't that into him anyway. - Yes, you were. 263 00:12:45,035 --> 00:12:46,661 Okay, Janet. I have a question. 264 00:12:46,704 --> 00:12:49,831 Okay. - What is The Bad Place like? 265 00:12:49,873 --> 00:12:50,915 Oh, sorry. 266 00:12:50,958 --> 00:12:53,918 That is the one topic I'm not allowed to tell you about. 267 00:12:54,253 --> 00:12:59,007 I can only play you a brief audio clip of what is happening there right now. 268 00:12:59,049 --> 00:12:59,924 Okay. 269 00:12:59,967 --> 00:13:02,343 SCREAMS AND CRIES - MAN: Help me! Help me! 270 00:13:03,095 --> 00:13:05,930 WOMAN: The bear has two mouths! - SOMETHING RIPS UP FLESH 271 00:13:07,016 --> 00:13:08,808 Well, it doesn't sound awesome. 272 00:13:11,562 --> 00:13:13,771 Does everyone have a huge house except me? 273 00:13:14,523 --> 00:13:15,606 All right, we need a plan. 274 00:13:15,649 --> 00:13:18,484 I say we just lie low and hope that they don't notice me. 275 00:13:18,527 --> 00:13:20,111 I'm sorry. I don't think I can help you. 276 00:13:20,279 --> 00:13:21,738 I just don't like being dishonest 277 00:13:21,780 --> 00:13:25,074 and I can't advise you to be dishonest either. 278 00:13:25,117 --> 00:13:27,577 Come on! I'm just asking you to fudge a little bit. 279 00:13:27,786 --> 00:13:30,038 You must have told a few white lies in your life. 280 00:13:30,205 --> 00:13:31,331 I mean what was your job? 281 00:13:31,623 --> 00:13:34,334 I was a professor of Ethics and Moral Philosophy. 282 00:13:34,710 --> 00:13:36,294 SHE LAUGHS Mother forker! 283 00:13:37,129 --> 00:13:38,921 I'm getting a stomach ache. - SHE SIGHS 284 00:13:39,173 --> 00:13:42,091 I'm in a perfect Utopia and I have a stomach ache. 285 00:13:42,217 --> 00:13:45,720 This is awful. I, uh... I think I have to tell Michael about this. 286 00:13:45,763 --> 00:13:46,929 MICHAEL: Tell Michael about what? 287 00:13:47,639 --> 00:13:49,015 ELEANOR: Michael! Hi! 288 00:13:49,183 --> 00:13:50,975 What have you been up to? 289 00:13:51,018 --> 00:13:54,771 Oh, you know, just settling everyone into eternal paradise. 290 00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:56,272 Sure, sure. 291 00:13:56,315 --> 00:13:59,817 Eleanor, Chidi, I would like you to meet Tahani and Jianyu. 292 00:13:59,860 --> 00:14:03,029 They are soulmates and your nextdoor neighbours. 293 00:14:03,530 --> 00:14:07,116 Hello. Can I just say, I love your house. 294 00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:10,495 It's just so tiny and cute. 295 00:14:10,788 --> 00:14:12,288 It's like a little child's plaything! 296 00:14:12,331 --> 00:14:15,291 It's a bit like one of those tinker toy houses, isn't it? 297 00:14:15,334 --> 00:14:18,920 Like for a family of mice, or for a very fancy little dog! 298 00:14:18,962 --> 00:14:22,632 I love it. It's just so sweet and teensy. 299 00:14:23,092 --> 00:14:24,467 Just like you. 300 00:14:24,593 --> 00:14:25,468 Boop! - Ooh! 301 00:14:25,511 --> 00:14:27,470 Oh! - You "booped" me. 302 00:14:27,513 --> 00:14:28,721 SHE LAUGHS - I did. 303 00:14:28,889 --> 00:14:30,640 That's fun. - Oh, I tell ya. 304 00:14:30,682 --> 00:14:33,309 The thought of you four amazing people 305 00:14:33,352 --> 00:14:35,853 living next to each other for eternity just... 306 00:14:36,355 --> 00:14:37,605 it brings joy to my heart. 307 00:14:38,107 --> 00:14:39,565 Oh, I almost forgot. 308 00:14:39,942 --> 00:14:42,902 Tahani and Jianyu are having a little "welcome party" tonight 309 00:14:42,945 --> 00:14:45,196 and they've invited the entire neighbourhood. 310 00:14:45,447 --> 00:14:48,449 Is that because your house is so big it can fit everybody? 311 00:14:48,492 --> 00:14:49,617 Exactly, yes. 312 00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:52,078 But also because I simply adore entertaining. 313 00:14:52,121 --> 00:14:54,288 I just adore it. 314 00:14:54,331 --> 00:14:56,290 Don't I just adore it, Jianyu? 315 00:14:57,126 --> 00:14:58,000 Oh, um... yes. 316 00:14:58,043 --> 00:15:01,629 By the way, Jianyu, here, is a Buddhist monk, you see 317 00:15:01,672 --> 00:15:04,382 and he obeys a strict code of silence. 318 00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:06,843 So when you see him smiling and nodding 319 00:15:07,177 --> 00:15:10,179 that's actually his way of jumping up and down with glee! 320 00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:11,305 Isn't that right, darling? 321 00:15:13,684 --> 00:15:14,767 So, we'll see you tonight. 322 00:15:14,893 --> 00:15:16,060 Great. - Yes. 323 00:15:16,854 --> 00:15:18,938 CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS 324 00:15:19,022 --> 00:15:20,481 This is a sweet dress, right? 325 00:15:20,691 --> 00:15:22,275 Yeah. - I had Janet fetch it for me. 326 00:15:22,317 --> 00:15:24,318 Instant, on demand, everything free. 327 00:15:24,361 --> 00:15:25,862 This place is the best. 328 00:15:28,407 --> 00:15:30,450 HE LAUGHS - ELEANOR: No way. 329 00:15:31,869 --> 00:15:33,953 My entire house could fit in this room. 330 00:15:34,746 --> 00:15:37,081 Okay, uh... help me out here. 331 00:15:37,124 --> 00:15:40,209 Tell me one good thing that you did on Earth. 332 00:15:40,752 --> 00:15:43,838 Just one truly kind and decent act 333 00:15:43,881 --> 00:15:46,507 so that I can feel better about helping you out. 334 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:50,803 Let's forget about good. 335 00:15:50,846 --> 00:15:52,930 Um... just tell me something neutral about yourself. 336 00:15:52,973 --> 00:15:54,849 Like, tell me about the day before you died. 337 00:15:54,892 --> 00:15:55,766 What do you remember? 338 00:15:57,978 --> 00:15:58,853 Hi, there. 339 00:15:58,896 --> 00:16:00,354 Do you have a second to talk about the environment? 340 00:16:00,397 --> 00:16:02,148 Do you have a second to eat my farts? 341 00:16:03,275 --> 00:16:04,942 You missed. - Pfft! Pick it up 342 00:16:04,985 --> 00:16:06,402 if you're so horny for the environment. 343 00:16:07,654 --> 00:16:09,238 I don't remember anything specific. 344 00:16:09,448 --> 00:16:10,615 Oh. - Look 345 00:16:10,657 --> 00:16:14,202 I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. 346 00:16:14,244 --> 00:16:15,453 I wasn't an arsonist. 347 00:16:15,496 --> 00:16:18,789 I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it 348 00:16:18,832 --> 00:16:20,082 but saw the owner lived out of state 349 00:16:20,125 --> 00:16:22,543 so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground. 350 00:16:23,420 --> 00:16:24,378 Okay, that's really specific 351 00:16:24,421 --> 00:16:26,214 and that makes me think that you definitely did do that. 352 00:16:26,256 --> 00:16:30,843 All I'm saying is, these people might be "good" 353 00:16:31,011 --> 00:16:33,054 but are they really that much better than me? 354 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,309 Well, I spent half my life in North Korea fighting for women's rights 355 00:16:38,352 --> 00:16:41,270 and the other half in Saudi Arabia fighting for gay rights. 356 00:16:41,313 --> 00:16:44,482 So we said, "If the UN won't remove those landmines, we will." 357 00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:47,610 And we dug up over a thousand unexploded landmines 358 00:16:47,653 --> 00:16:49,403 from the area surrounding the orphanage. 359 00:16:49,446 --> 00:16:50,321 Well, then he said 360 00:16:50,364 --> 00:16:52,406 "You can't give me both your kidneys, you'll die." 361 00:16:52,658 --> 00:16:54,659 What? - I said, "But you will live 362 00:16:54,701 --> 00:16:56,619 and I know we just met on this bus ten minutes ago 363 00:16:56,662 --> 00:16:57,870 but you seem nice." - SHE SIGHS 364 00:16:57,913 --> 00:17:00,039 ELEANOR: Forget it. Heading to the bar. 365 00:17:05,796 --> 00:17:07,630 Hey, Janet? - Hi. How can I help? 366 00:17:10,008 --> 00:17:13,594 I've had eight glasses of wine and I don't feel anything. 367 00:17:13,637 --> 00:17:16,305 Um, can we not get drunk here? 368 00:17:16,348 --> 00:17:19,433 It's suddenly very important that I get drunk. 369 00:17:19,810 --> 00:17:23,020 Our default setting is that alcohol has no effect. 370 00:17:23,063 --> 00:17:26,607 If you want it to affect you, all you have to do is think to yourself... 371 00:17:26,650 --> 00:17:27,692 Got it. On it. 372 00:17:31,655 --> 00:17:34,782 MUFFLED JOY MOANS 373 00:17:36,159 --> 00:17:37,410 GLASS CLINKS 374 00:17:37,494 --> 00:17:39,579 APPLAUSE 375 00:17:39,830 --> 00:17:41,539 Thank you. Thank you. 376 00:17:43,542 --> 00:17:45,960 I promise I won't take up too much time here. 377 00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:49,880 As Shakespeare once said, "Brevity is the soul of wit." 378 00:17:50,716 --> 00:17:51,841 Although, he's actually... 379 00:17:52,217 --> 00:17:54,010 Oop! So... HE LAUGHS 380 00:17:54,177 --> 00:17:55,678 We can ignore that advice. 381 00:17:56,179 --> 00:17:59,599 You all know that I am the architect of this neighbourhood 382 00:17:59,975 --> 00:18:01,392 but what you don't know is... 383 00:18:02,311 --> 00:18:04,395 golly, I'm not supposed to tell you this but, um... 384 00:18:05,105 --> 00:18:06,063 oh, what the heck? 385 00:18:06,898 --> 00:18:10,735 This is actually the very first neighbourhood that I have ever designed. 386 00:18:10,777 --> 00:18:14,030 I have been an apprentice for over two hundred years 387 00:18:14,448 --> 00:18:18,492 and my boss has finally given me my first solo project! 388 00:18:18,535 --> 00:18:19,994 ALL: Aw. THEY APPLAUD 389 00:18:20,037 --> 00:18:22,413 Yes! HE LAUGHS 390 00:18:22,664 --> 00:18:24,874 Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah! Hold on there, ace. 391 00:18:25,417 --> 00:18:26,626 Let me get more of them "shrampies." 392 00:18:26,668 --> 00:18:27,543 Easy. 393 00:18:27,628 --> 00:18:29,420 What? They're for everybody, right? 394 00:18:29,463 --> 00:18:30,546 Yes. Exactly. 395 00:18:30,964 --> 00:18:33,716 MICHAEL: ...and you deserve a perfect world. 396 00:18:34,134 --> 00:18:36,719 Because every single one of you 397 00:18:37,596 --> 00:18:38,638 is a good person. 398 00:18:39,556 --> 00:18:41,682 That's it for me. Back to you, Tahani. 399 00:18:42,184 --> 00:18:43,517 Bravo, Michael! - Thank you. 400 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:44,602 Bravo! 401 00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:47,104 Um, and I would just like to quickly say 402 00:18:47,147 --> 00:18:49,315 if any of you would like to play tennis tonight 403 00:18:49,483 --> 00:18:53,027 we have thirty-six regulation grass tennis courts. 404 00:18:53,070 --> 00:18:54,654 Such fun! Cheers! SHE LAUGHS 405 00:18:54,696 --> 00:18:56,238 APPLAUSE 406 00:18:56,281 --> 00:18:59,241 Tahani - what a condescending bench. 407 00:18:59,284 --> 00:19:00,701 Okay, okay. - Am I right? 408 00:19:00,744 --> 00:19:02,787 Why does she still have that British accent? Right? 409 00:19:02,829 --> 00:19:03,913 No one else here has an accent. 410 00:19:04,373 --> 00:19:05,873 She's choosing to have that accent. 411 00:19:05,916 --> 00:19:08,918 Shh, shh, shh, shh. - IN BRITISH ACCENT: "Ooh, hello! 412 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:13,255 I am just a big beautiful utterly perfect cartoon giraffe!" 413 00:19:13,298 --> 00:19:14,507 Oh, okay, okay. - SHE LAUGHS 414 00:19:14,549 --> 00:19:16,884 I think it's time to go home. 415 00:19:17,260 --> 00:19:19,553 Wait, wait, wait, I just have to go upstairs real quick 416 00:19:19,596 --> 00:19:21,472 and steal a bunch of gold stuff. 417 00:19:21,515 --> 00:19:22,515 Okay, don't do that. 418 00:19:24,434 --> 00:19:26,435 Don't do... no! Eleanor. Eleanor. Eleanor. 419 00:19:29,439 --> 00:19:31,399 Hello, creepy house that I hate! 420 00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:34,402 Hello, one million clowns! 421 00:19:35,946 --> 00:19:37,947 Why aren't there stairs here? 422 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:43,285 Ugh! What kind of weirdo house is this? 423 00:19:44,621 --> 00:19:45,496 Ooh. 424 00:19:46,373 --> 00:19:49,291 Did you fill your bra with shrimp? 425 00:19:49,626 --> 00:19:51,001 No. SHE HICCUPS 426 00:19:51,795 --> 00:19:52,670 Yes. 427 00:19:52,713 --> 00:19:57,508 Whatever, it's freakin' heaven, I'm sure they have plenty of shellfish. 428 00:19:57,884 --> 00:20:00,052 That Tahani is a real butthead, huh? 429 00:20:00,095 --> 00:20:01,220 SHE GASPS Hey! 430 00:20:01,555 --> 00:20:03,431 At least I can still say "butthead." 431 00:20:03,932 --> 00:20:05,725 Ugh, she is a butthead. 432 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:07,685 Found some pyjamas. 433 00:20:09,980 --> 00:20:11,522 Chidi? Chidi? Chidi? 434 00:20:12,524 --> 00:20:15,109 I'm sorry that you had to deal with this. 435 00:20:16,820 --> 00:20:18,612 It's okay. - It's not, though. 436 00:20:19,322 --> 00:20:20,197 SHE SIGHS 437 00:20:20,490 --> 00:20:22,408 Do you think anybody cared that I died? 438 00:20:23,326 --> 00:20:24,410 Maybe someone did. 439 00:20:24,828 --> 00:20:27,455 I don't know. I was an only child. 440 00:20:27,998 --> 00:20:29,874 My parents were divorced when I was a kid. 441 00:20:29,916 --> 00:20:31,876 They were both crummy people 442 00:20:31,918 --> 00:20:33,586 so they're probably... SHE MAKES A MOCKING NOISE 443 00:20:34,087 --> 00:20:35,212 ...in The Bad Place. 444 00:20:36,131 --> 00:20:38,340 Maybe they're being used to torture each other. 445 00:20:40,010 --> 00:20:41,302 It would work. - HE CHUCKLES 446 00:20:42,137 --> 00:20:44,472 I bet way more people cared that you died. 447 00:20:45,807 --> 00:20:47,183 Because you're a nice person. 448 00:20:47,601 --> 00:20:48,642 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT 449 00:20:48,894 --> 00:20:50,269 You're a nice person. 450 00:20:50,479 --> 00:20:53,022 Chidi Anaconda. 451 00:20:54,941 --> 00:20:57,318 Anagonye. - "Aginoncamunga." 452 00:20:57,694 --> 00:20:59,737 Anagonye. - "Ag..." - say it again. 453 00:20:59,780 --> 00:21:01,781 Anagonye. - No, say what you said before. 454 00:21:01,823 --> 00:21:03,282 I did. It's Anagonye. 455 00:21:03,325 --> 00:21:05,201 You just changed it. - I didn't change it. 456 00:21:05,243 --> 00:21:07,870 It's my name. - "Aragugronde," Ariana Grande! 457 00:21:07,913 --> 00:21:09,288 SHE GASPS That's a person. 458 00:21:09,414 --> 00:21:10,498 I did it! 459 00:21:11,416 --> 00:21:12,333 Good night. 460 00:21:14,586 --> 00:21:15,461 Good night. 461 00:21:17,923 --> 00:21:22,635 CIRCUS MUSIC - CHEERING 462 00:21:23,845 --> 00:21:25,137 Well, that's terrifying. 463 00:21:26,389 --> 00:21:27,473 SHE SNORES 464 00:21:36,399 --> 00:21:39,360 Thirty glasses of wine and no hangover. 465 00:21:40,153 --> 00:21:41,195 SHE LAUGHS 466 00:21:41,530 --> 00:21:42,988 This place rules. 467 00:21:43,406 --> 00:21:45,241 THUNDER CRACKS 468 00:21:49,788 --> 00:21:52,373 MUSIC PLAYS: "Break Free" by Ariana Grande 469 00:21:52,749 --> 00:21:55,334 ♪ This is the part when ♪ 470 00:21:55,377 --> 00:21:57,169 ♪ I break free ♪ 471 00:21:57,212 --> 00:21:59,755 ♪ 'Cause I can't resist it no more ♪ 472 00:21:59,798 --> 00:22:01,423 ELEANOR: Oh, fork! 473 00:22:01,466 --> 00:22:04,343 ♪ ...the part when I say I don't want ya ♪ 474 00:22:04,845 --> 00:22:07,429 ♪ I'm stronger than I've been before ♪ 475 00:22:07,597 --> 00:22:11,934 ♪ This is the part when I break free ♪ 476 00:22:11,977 --> 00:22:14,436 ♪ 'Cause I can't resist it no more ♪ 477 00:22:14,521 --> 00:22:15,437 Michael? - Hmm? 478 00:22:15,647 --> 00:22:18,816 Is that giant, terrifying ladybug supposed to be there? 479 00:22:18,984 --> 00:22:20,693 Ah! Well, great question, Tahani. 480 00:22:21,611 --> 00:22:22,987 No. No, it's not. 481 00:22:23,446 --> 00:22:26,323 I have no idea why any of this is happening or how to control it. 482 00:22:26,533 --> 00:22:27,491 Should we run away then? 483 00:22:28,743 --> 00:22:29,618 Yes! 484 00:22:29,703 --> 00:22:30,995 ♪ It was lethal. ♪ 485 00:22:31,037 --> 00:22:33,080 Right-o! - ♪ It was fatal. ♪ 486 00:22:33,123 --> 00:22:36,333 ♪ In my dreams it felt so right. ♪ - FROG CROAKS 487 00:22:37,043 --> 00:22:40,880 ♪ But I woke up every time. ♪ 488 00:22:43,717 --> 00:22:45,342 ♪ Oh, baby! ♪ - PEOPLE SCREAM 489 00:22:45,385 --> 00:22:49,680 ♪ This is the part when I say I don't want ya. ♪ 490 00:22:49,723 --> 00:22:52,224 ♪ I'm stronger than I've been before. ♪ - ELEANOR: Chidi! Chidi! 491 00:22:52,434 --> 00:22:53,309 What's going on? 492 00:22:53,810 --> 00:22:55,436 Why are there giant animals everywhere? 493 00:22:55,729 --> 00:22:57,396 Do you hear Ariana Grande playing? 494 00:22:58,398 --> 00:23:00,524 Why is everyone wearing blue and yellow? 495 00:23:01,735 --> 00:23:02,610 You're not. 496 00:23:03,904 --> 00:23:05,571 You're... you're the only one who's not. 497 00:23:05,864 --> 00:23:08,782 Eleanor, this is all happening because of you. 498 00:23:09,826 --> 00:23:11,368 Ah, fork me! 499 00:23:14,205 --> 00:23:17,166 Okay, okay, we don't know this is because of me. 500 00:23:17,208 --> 00:23:18,083 Eleanor. 501 00:23:18,126 --> 00:23:22,171 This place is a perfectly made Swiss watch, and you are a wrench in the gears. 502 00:23:22,213 --> 00:23:25,507 Actually, you' re a hammer, just smashing the gears into dust. 503 00:23:25,550 --> 00:23:26,508 Oh, hang on. 504 00:23:26,551 --> 00:23:28,552 Not everybody here is perfect, okay? 505 00:23:28,595 --> 00:23:32,598 Tahani is totally condescending and there are a couple of, you know... 506 00:23:33,350 --> 00:23:35,351 "chunksters." - Oh, come on! 507 00:23:35,393 --> 00:23:39,021 No judgment, I'm just saying I'm not the only one with flaws 508 00:23:39,230 --> 00:23:41,607 so how can we be sure this is my fault? 509 00:23:41,733 --> 00:23:44,818 You hogged all the shrimp, and now there are shrimp flying around. 510 00:23:45,362 --> 00:23:48,447 You called Tahani a giraffe, and now there are giraffes everywhere. 511 00:23:48,490 --> 00:23:50,950 Okay, fine. Turns out there are many ways to know that it was me. 512 00:23:50,992 --> 00:23:52,159 Let's just face it, Eleanor. 513 00:23:52,202 --> 00:23:53,202 You don't belong here. 514 00:23:55,872 --> 00:23:57,915 Well, then this system sucks. 515 00:23:58,249 --> 00:24:01,085 What, one in a million gets to live in paradise 516 00:24:01,127 --> 00:24:04,088 and everyone else is tortured for eternity? Come on! 517 00:24:04,255 --> 00:24:07,758 I mean I wasn't freakin' Gandhi, but I was okay. 518 00:24:08,218 --> 00:24:10,552 I was a medium person. 519 00:24:11,554 --> 00:24:15,599 I should get to spend eternity in a medium place, like Cincinnati. 520 00:24:15,892 --> 00:24:17,977 Everyone who wasn't perfect, but wasn't terrible 521 00:24:18,019 --> 00:24:20,187 should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati. 522 00:24:20,230 --> 00:24:22,147 Look, apparently it doesn't work that way. 523 00:24:22,691 --> 00:24:26,068 I'm sorry, Eleanor, but there's nothing anyone can do. 524 00:24:28,279 --> 00:24:32,074 Unless there is something we can do. 525 00:24:32,117 --> 00:24:34,410 Unless you could teach me. 526 00:24:35,328 --> 00:24:36,245 Teach you what? 527 00:24:36,413 --> 00:24:37,538 How to be good! 528 00:24:37,831 --> 00:24:39,248 That was your job, right? 529 00:24:39,290 --> 00:24:41,000 A professor of Ethics? 530 00:24:41,376 --> 00:24:43,377 No one knew I was a problem when I arrived. 531 00:24:43,753 --> 00:24:45,212 Things only started getting crazy 532 00:24:45,255 --> 00:24:47,423 after I was an ash-hole to everyone at the party. 533 00:24:47,465 --> 00:24:48,340 Ugh! 534 00:24:48,758 --> 00:24:52,052 You know I'm trying to say "ash-hole," and not "ash-hole, " right? 535 00:24:52,095 --> 00:24:53,220 I got that, yes. - Okay. 536 00:24:53,388 --> 00:24:54,388 Give me a chance. 537 00:24:55,056 --> 00:24:56,807 Let me earn my place here. 538 00:24:57,142 --> 00:25:00,144 You spent your life wondering what makes someone good or bad. 539 00:25:01,229 --> 00:25:03,188 Now you have the perfect test case. 540 00:25:03,398 --> 00:25:05,274 Let me be your ethical guinea pig! 541 00:25:05,984 --> 00:25:07,443 KNOCKING - MICHAEL: Hey, guys! 542 00:25:07,485 --> 00:25:09,903 Uh... Emergency neighbourhood meeting! Now! 543 00:25:09,946 --> 00:25:11,363 We'll be right there, Michael. 544 00:25:11,698 --> 00:25:14,533 If I walk out of here in these clothes, I'm toast. 545 00:25:14,659 --> 00:25:16,785 My soul is in your hands, soulmate. 546 00:25:17,370 --> 00:25:18,287 What's it gonna be? 547 00:25:18,913 --> 00:25:20,247 KNOCKING 548 00:25:20,582 --> 00:25:22,291 THUNDER CRACKS 549 00:25:22,417 --> 00:25:23,876 Oh! Stomach ache.