1
00:00:00,430 --> 00:00:02,770
There's no escaping it.
2
00:00:03,830 --> 00:00:05,760
The problem...
3
00:00:05,830 --> 00:00:06,990
Is me.
4
00:00:07,030 --> 00:00:09,860
And now...
5
00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:12,830
I have to leave you...
Forever.
6
00:00:12,870 --> 00:00:16,500
Michael,
you can't be the problem.
7
00:00:16,540 --> 00:00:18,270
Oh, but I am.
8
00:00:18,340 --> 00:00:20,670
You see, architects aren't
supposed to live
9
00:00:20,710 --> 00:00:22,940
in the neighborhoods
they design,
10
00:00:23,010 --> 00:00:26,750
but I love humans,
so I-I wanted to try.
11
00:00:26,780 --> 00:00:28,920
I see now
that was a mistake.
12
00:00:28,950 --> 00:00:31,890
My meddling is
the one true constant
13
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:33,720
in all of our disasters.
14
00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,890
I tried to force Jianyu
into opening up,
15
00:00:36,930 --> 00:00:40,630
which caused a sinkhole
to open up.
16
00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:42,960
I kicked a puppy into the sun,
17
00:00:43,030 --> 00:00:45,700
and garbage rained down.
18
00:00:45,730 --> 00:00:48,900
I grossly underestimated
the number of shrimp needed
19
00:00:48,940 --> 00:00:50,570
for the opening-night party,
20
00:00:50,610 --> 00:00:52,940
and what flew through the sky
the next day,
21
00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:55,440
taunting me for my failures?
22
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,980
I'm sorry, everyone.
I'm truly sorry.
23
00:00:58,050 --> 00:00:59,710
Janet?
24
00:00:59,750 --> 00:01:03,650
Please call a train
to escort me into retirement.
25
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:06,390
You see, the only way
in and out of a neighborhood
26
00:01:06,420 --> 00:01:07,650
is by train,
27
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,920
and Janet is the only one
who can operate them.
28
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,260
Oh, my dear Janet.
29
00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:14,930
Will you be okay
after I leave?
30
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,000
Yes.
31
00:01:16,070 --> 00:01:18,770
This will not affect me
in any way.
32
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,770
Jeez,
show some compassion.
33
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:23,000
Well, I can't feel sad,
34
00:01:23,070 --> 00:01:26,840
but here's my best approximation
of human crying.
35
00:01:27,940 --> 00:01:31,610
Baaah!
36
00:01:36,090 --> 00:01:39,850
Oh, Janet, that was beautiful.
Yeah.
37
00:01:46,930 --> 00:01:48,430
What did you say to him?
38
00:01:48,460 --> 00:01:49,960
Did you make him
do this somehow?
39
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,870
Nope, this was entirely
his idea.
40
00:01:52,940 --> 00:01:54,840
Dude, this is good news.
41
00:01:54,870 --> 00:01:56,600
Michael's gonna get
a chill retirement,
42
00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,470
which, frankly,
he desperately needs,
43
00:01:58,510 --> 00:02:00,810
and I can finally relax.
44
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:02,010
It's forking perfect.
45
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,480
No, it's terrible.
Michael's wrong.
46
00:02:04,510 --> 00:02:05,680
He's not the problem.
47
00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:07,650
Well, Michael
did bring me here,
48
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:10,880
which was the mistake that led
to all the other problems.
49
00:02:10,950 --> 00:02:14,490
So, in that sense,
he is the real problem.
50
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,860
Ha!
How do you like them ethics?
51
00:02:16,890 --> 00:02:18,890
I just ethics'd you
in the face, Chidi!
52
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,660
It doesn't change the fact
that we weren't truthful.
53
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:23,660
There's an old
Chinese proverb--
54
00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:25,970
"lies are like tigers.
55
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,400
They are bad."
56
00:02:27,470 --> 00:02:29,370
That's it?
It's more poetic in mandarin.
57
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,070
Look,
Michael is retiring.
58
00:02:32,140 --> 00:02:34,670
He's gonna be
on an angel boat somewhere,
59
00:02:34,710 --> 00:02:36,540
smoking moonbeam cigars.
60
00:02:36,580 --> 00:02:38,880
Now, Tahani is throwing him
a good-bye party.
61
00:02:38,910 --> 00:02:40,050
Let's go help out.
62
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,480
Sure, that will
more than make up
63
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,680
for the pain
and misery and lying.
64
00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,090
Yes,
now you're getting it.
65
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,520
Hey, Chidi,
just read your article
66
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,060
on logical positivism--
so dry.
67
00:02:52,090 --> 00:02:53,730
Oh, thanks, Henry.
68
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,700
Whoa!
New boots.
69
00:02:55,730 --> 00:02:57,700
Oh, yeah, just got 'em.
70
00:02:57,730 --> 00:02:58,900
Saw them in the store,
and I was just like,
71
00:02:58,930 --> 00:03:00,530
"whoa!"
72
00:03:00,570 --> 00:03:03,100
Tell the truth--
do you like 'em?
73
00:03:03,170 --> 00:03:05,770
Oh.
74
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:07,540
Oh, yeah.
Not too red?
75
00:03:07,580 --> 00:03:08,910
No.
Crystals aren't too much?
76
00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:10,080
Crystals
are not too much.
77
00:03:10,110 --> 00:03:11,550
Oh, well, that makes me feel
much better
78
00:03:11,580 --> 00:03:12,880
'cause I was really
going back and forth
79
00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:14,180
over whether they were
worth the money.
80
00:03:14,220 --> 00:03:15,850
They were super expensive.
81
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,020
Yeah, well,
they're, uh, amazing.
82
00:03:18,050 --> 00:03:20,550
Those are the coolest boots
I've ever seen in my life.
83
00:03:20,590 --> 00:03:22,020
Thanks so much, buddy.
84
00:03:22,060 --> 00:03:23,520
Right.
Bye.
85
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:27,930
My god...
86
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,960
What have I done?
87
00:03:30,030 --> 00:03:33,030
Tonight needs to be
the perfect blend
88
00:03:33,070 --> 00:03:34,970
of celebratory,
reverential,
89
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:38,940
bittersweet, upbeat, fun,
and effortless.
90
00:03:38,970 --> 00:03:43,210
This is #tahanitime.
91
00:03:43,250 --> 00:03:44,210
What is all this?
92
00:03:44,250 --> 00:03:45,880
Oh, no, Michael,
93
00:03:45,910 --> 00:03:48,110
you're not supposed to see it
till it's all set up.
94
00:03:48,150 --> 00:03:52,720
But, well, welcome
to your retirement party.
95
00:03:52,750 --> 00:03:54,720
Look, over there,
I've even set up a buffet
96
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,590
of themed desserts,
like retire-mint chocolate cake
97
00:03:57,630 --> 00:03:59,430
or, uh, "flan voyage."
98
00:03:59,460 --> 00:04:00,490
Oh, boy.
99
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:02,000
Oh, and here
we have a pinata
100
00:04:02,060 --> 00:04:04,460
shaped like you,
which is always fun.
101
00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:05,930
By the way, uh, what's
you're favorite color
102
00:04:05,970 --> 00:04:07,130
for the tablecloths?
103
00:04:07,170 --> 00:04:09,940
Well, it's not perceptible
by human eyes.
104
00:04:09,970 --> 00:04:11,910
It's called "pleurigloss."
105
00:04:11,940 --> 00:04:13,610
Could you describe it?
106
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,680
It's the color of...
107
00:04:15,740 --> 00:04:17,810
When a soldier
comes home from war
108
00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:20,450
and sees his dog
for the first time.
109
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,080
Hmm.
How about blue?
110
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:23,450
Tahani, I'm so sorry.
111
00:04:23,490 --> 00:04:25,820
We need to cancel
this party immediately.
112
00:04:25,850 --> 00:04:26,950
But why?
113
00:04:26,990 --> 00:04:28,960
For a being like me,
114
00:04:28,990 --> 00:04:30,620
retirement...
115
00:04:30,660 --> 00:04:32,660
Is not something fun.
116
00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:35,630
What is "retirement"
for you exactly?
117
00:04:35,660 --> 00:04:37,960
Well, I wasn't gonna share
this so as not to upset you,
118
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,170
but it's, a--
119
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,970
an extreme form
of punishment.
120
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,470
We call it
"the eternal shriek."
121
00:04:44,510 --> 00:04:46,470
My soul will be disintegrated,
122
00:04:46,510 --> 00:04:48,140
and each molecule
will be placed
123
00:04:48,180 --> 00:04:51,040
on the surface
of a different burning sun.
124
00:04:51,110 --> 00:04:54,980
And then my--my essence
will be scooped out of my body
125
00:04:55,020 --> 00:04:57,950
with a flaming ladle
and poured over hot diamonds.
126
00:04:57,990 --> 00:04:59,220
Oh, but the diamonds
sound lovely.
127
00:04:59,290 --> 00:05:00,820
They're not...
128
00:05:00,860 --> 00:05:02,160
And then what's left
of my body
129
00:05:02,190 --> 00:05:04,890
will be endlessly beaten
with a titanium rod,
130
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:05,890
like a--
131
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,230
like a pinata.
132
00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:10,660
Yes, except you have
the string around my waist,
133
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:13,670
but instead it will definitely
be around my genitals.
134
00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:16,800
What?
Oh, Michael, I'm so sorry.
135
00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:18,640
I was just trying
to honor you.
136
00:05:18,670 --> 00:05:20,840
Please, allow me
to reconceive the event.
137
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,010
Of course.
138
00:05:23,050 --> 00:05:25,250
All right, everyone,
we're starting over.
139
00:05:25,310 --> 00:05:28,010
The key word for tonight
is just "somber."
140
00:05:28,050 --> 00:05:29,180
Jianyu, my love,
we're gonna have to get rid
141
00:05:29,220 --> 00:05:30,680
of all of the party poppers
immediately.
142
00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,990
No, not by using them.
143
00:05:33,020 --> 00:05:35,660
No, Jianyu.
Done.
144
00:05:36,990 --> 00:05:38,690
He's gonna be tortured?
145
00:05:38,730 --> 00:05:41,700
Dang it. I was almost handed
a perfect solution
146
00:05:41,730 --> 00:05:44,330
to all my problems without
having to work for it at all,
147
00:05:44,370 --> 00:05:45,770
and now it's gone.
148
00:05:45,830 --> 00:05:49,040
Why do bad things
always happen to mediocre people
149
00:05:49,070 --> 00:05:50,570
who are lying
about their identities?
150
00:05:50,610 --> 00:05:52,040
Okay, you have two options.
151
00:05:52,070 --> 00:05:54,340
You can confess
and save Michael,
152
00:05:54,380 --> 00:05:55,940
or you can continue to lie
153
00:05:56,010 --> 00:05:59,010
and condemn him to an eternity
of unimaginable pain.
154
00:05:59,050 --> 00:06:00,880
Or option c--
155
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,350
continue to lie about myself
156
00:06:02,380 --> 00:06:04,220
and find a way
to save Michael.
157
00:06:04,250 --> 00:06:07,090
Can we somehow
throw Tahani under the bus?
158
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:08,590
That would be a classic
159
00:06:08,620 --> 00:06:10,260
"two birds with one stone"
scenario.
160
00:06:10,290 --> 00:06:11,760
Plus, I'd get her house.
161
00:06:11,790 --> 00:06:13,130
Three birds.
162
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,060
No, there's no way
to stop this except confessing.
163
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:18,200
Any moment now, Michael is going
to get on that train,
164
00:06:18,230 --> 00:06:20,070
and we will never see
him again,
165
00:06:20,100 --> 00:06:21,740
just like professor Lindeman
166
00:06:21,770 --> 00:06:25,370
after I asked him to reread
my 3,600-page manuscript.
167
00:06:25,410 --> 00:06:26,940
He said he was
going out for cigarettes,
168
00:06:26,980 --> 00:06:28,980
but then he just left
his tenured position
169
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,380
at the Sorbonne.
170
00:06:30,410 --> 00:06:32,050
Great story.
Janet?
171
00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:33,110
Hi, there.
172
00:06:33,150 --> 00:06:35,080
Hi.
So the only way
173
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:36,620
out of the neighborhood
is a train?
174
00:06:36,650 --> 00:06:38,250
That's correct.
I am the only one
175
00:06:38,290 --> 00:06:41,120
who can call the train,
and it needs me to operate.
176
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:42,920
Choo-choo.
177
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,960
One more question,
and, um, this is a little weird,
178
00:06:44,990 --> 00:06:47,060
but can we...
179
00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:49,060
Uh, shut you down?
180
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:50,100
Yes, great question.
181
00:06:50,130 --> 00:06:51,230
There is a kill switch
182
00:06:51,270 --> 00:06:53,100
in a remote sector
of the neighborhood
183
00:06:53,140 --> 00:06:54,300
in the event
that I malfunction
184
00:06:54,340 --> 00:06:56,600
and attempt
to harm the residents.
185
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,910
If you press it,
I will be destroyed.
186
00:06:59,940 --> 00:07:02,110
Anything else?
No, that's good, thanks.
187
00:07:02,140 --> 00:07:05,310
Okay.
Whoa, you want to kill Janet?
188
00:07:05,350 --> 00:07:07,280
Michael can't retire
if he can't leave.
189
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,120
He can't leave
if there's no Janet
190
00:07:09,150 --> 00:07:10,850
to run the train.
191
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:14,020
It's a perfect solution.
192
00:07:14,090 --> 00:07:16,290
Janet, high five, please?
193
00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,160
Thanks, babe.
194
00:07:21,530 --> 00:07:24,230
Killing is one of
the most famous
195
00:07:24,270 --> 00:07:26,770
moral no-nos.
196
00:07:26,830 --> 00:07:29,740
Janet is a nonhuman object
who was sent here to help us,
197
00:07:29,770 --> 00:07:32,500
and the way she can help us
is if we kill her.
198
00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:34,510
We're doing one small
murder-y thing
199
00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:36,180
for a bigger, better reason.
200
00:07:36,210 --> 00:07:38,540
The ends justify the means.
201
00:07:38,580 --> 00:07:39,710
Do you know who said that?
202
00:07:39,750 --> 00:07:42,610
Was it someone nice and great,
like Oprah?
203
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:44,220
It was Machiavelli...
204
00:07:44,250 --> 00:07:46,690
A very non-Oprah-like figure.
205
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,350
And what happens
after we kill her?
206
00:07:48,390 --> 00:07:52,190
We'll have to lie to everyone
about what we did,
207
00:07:52,230 --> 00:07:55,560
and lying is always wrong.
208
00:07:59,570 --> 00:08:02,430
Why? Why would I tell Henry
that I liked his boots?
209
00:08:02,470 --> 00:08:04,440
I don't like his boots.
I hate his boots.
210
00:08:04,470 --> 00:08:05,600
Yes, I know.
211
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,370
You've talked about it
for the last two days.
212
00:08:07,410 --> 00:08:10,380
I lied to him.
You wrote your thesis on Kant.
213
00:08:10,410 --> 00:08:13,380
He believed that lying
is always morally wrong--
214
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,610
no exceptions.
215
00:08:14,650 --> 00:08:18,420
Yes, well, Kant was
a lonely, obsessive hermit
216
00:08:18,450 --> 00:08:19,490
with zero friends.
217
00:08:19,550 --> 00:08:21,390
Sometimes we do thing
just to be polite,
218
00:08:21,420 --> 00:08:23,320
but if you really feel
that strongly about it,
219
00:08:23,390 --> 00:08:25,160
tell him the truth.
220
00:08:25,230 --> 00:08:26,760
Also, I don't care,
221
00:08:26,790 --> 00:08:29,630
'cause it's the middle
of the night.
222
00:08:31,270 --> 00:08:35,430
This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.
223
00:08:35,470 --> 00:08:36,740
They do?
224
00:08:36,770 --> 00:08:39,440
Hey, Chidi.
225
00:08:39,470 --> 00:08:41,770
You sit in on my class today?
Uh, I did, yeah.
226
00:08:41,810 --> 00:08:44,410
Great lecture, by the way--
so bleak.
227
00:08:44,450 --> 00:08:45,480
Thanks, bud.
228
00:08:45,510 --> 00:08:47,410
It's actually perfect
that you are here.
229
00:08:47,450 --> 00:08:49,310
I got something for you.
230
00:08:50,820 --> 00:08:51,750
Oh, my god.
231
00:08:51,790 --> 00:08:52,750
You loved mine so much,
232
00:08:52,790 --> 00:08:54,350
I decided to get you
your own pair.
233
00:08:54,420 --> 00:08:55,790
We can be boot brothers.
234
00:08:55,820 --> 00:08:58,460
Wow. I can't accept these.
They're too expensive.
235
00:08:58,490 --> 00:09:00,430
Sure you can.
Try 'em on, mate.
236
00:09:00,460 --> 00:09:02,090
The fact that
you liked mine so much
237
00:09:02,130 --> 00:09:04,600
really made me feel like I made
the right choice to buy them.
238
00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:08,270
After all, why should I have
all the fun and boots, eh?
239
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:09,770
I-I don't--i don't know.
240
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,470
Those look great.
241
00:09:13,510 --> 00:09:15,610
Take 'em for a SPiN.
242
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,280
You're flying.
243
00:09:18,310 --> 00:09:20,680
Mm, thanks.
244
00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:24,320
- Speeches!
Time for speeches, everyone.
245
00:09:24,350 --> 00:09:27,450
Michael, as someone
who didn't exactly have
246
00:09:27,490 --> 00:09:29,190
the steadiest
parental guidance,
247
00:09:29,220 --> 00:09:31,460
I just want to thank you.
248
00:09:31,490 --> 00:09:32,620
You were always there
for us.
249
00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:35,660
I shouldn't have been.
I was the problem.
250
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,630
Yes, but...
251
00:09:37,670 --> 00:09:40,470
It was also great
when you weren't there.
252
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,200
Don't worry.
Soon I won't be...Forever.
253
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:44,340
Because
of the eternal shriek!
254
00:09:44,370 --> 00:09:46,210
Yes, thank you, Glenn.
255
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,640
Look, what I'm trying to say
is this--
256
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:52,310
Michael, you always kept us
warm and safe
257
00:09:52,350 --> 00:09:54,510
like a bright, glowing sun.
258
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:57,480
Like the one
I kicked the dog into
259
00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:59,320
or the one
I'm going to be burned
260
00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:01,190
on the surface of
for eternity?
261
00:10:01,220 --> 00:10:02,820
Okay, no more speeches.
262
00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:04,760
Speeches are over.
263
00:10:04,830 --> 00:10:06,760
Michael's
going to talk now.
264
00:10:06,830 --> 00:10:09,900
Ugh, I'm sorry
I was so grumpy.
265
00:10:09,930 --> 00:10:13,600
It's just I'm sad
that I have to leave
266
00:10:13,670 --> 00:10:15,730
before doing
all the human things
267
00:10:15,770 --> 00:10:17,670
that I wanted to do.
268
00:10:17,710 --> 00:10:20,170
I wanted to get my hair wet.
269
00:10:20,210 --> 00:10:23,910
You know, I-I wanted
to pull a hamstring.
270
00:10:23,940 --> 00:10:27,780
To learn the difference
between "toward" and "towards."
271
00:10:27,850 --> 00:10:30,680
I wanted to do that thing
where you walk down the hallway,
272
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,220
and someone else
is walking the other way,
273
00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:35,420
and then you both lean
to one side
274
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:36,790
and then the other,
275
00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:40,590
and then you both chuckle
over your shared foible.
276
00:10:40,630 --> 00:10:42,530
I wanted to get a rewards card,
277
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:45,260
any rewards card.
278
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:48,700
I-I wanted to talk briefly
to someone and then say,
279
00:10:48,740 --> 00:10:50,470
"take it sleazy."
280
00:10:51,940 --> 00:10:53,940
I wanted to eat a saltine.
281
00:10:53,970 --> 00:10:56,580
Oh! I actually have
some saltines.
282
00:10:56,610 --> 00:10:59,410
Here, try this.
283
00:11:04,420 --> 00:11:06,890
Pretty dry...
284
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,390
And too salty.
285
00:11:08,420 --> 00:11:11,390
Well, going out
on a real low note here.
286
00:11:11,430 --> 00:11:13,630
Okay, bye, everyone.
287
00:11:13,660 --> 00:11:15,430
Well, take it sleazy.
288
00:11:15,460 --> 00:11:16,930
You got to say it?
289
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,630
Yes, but then
you say it back.
290
00:11:19,670 --> 00:11:22,400
No, it's not organic.
291
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:29,240
Uh, Janet, how many "Janets"
have there been?
292
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,980
There have been
25 generations of Janet.
293
00:11:32,010 --> 00:11:34,910
Each new update of Janet
gains more wisdom
294
00:11:34,950 --> 00:11:36,620
and social abilities.
295
00:11:36,650 --> 00:11:39,450
Fun fact--the first Janet
had a click wheel.
296
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,920
So it's like aging
for a human?
297
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,520
You're--you're growing up?
298
00:11:43,590 --> 00:11:45,460
That's how I like
to think of it, Chidi.
299
00:11:45,490 --> 00:11:48,760
I can't eat, so every time
there's a new version of Janet,
300
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,800
I like to take
a piece of birthday cake
301
00:11:50,830 --> 00:11:54,000
and smash it around
where my mouth is.
302
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,840
Look, Janet has--
has learned and grown.
303
00:11:57,870 --> 00:12:00,440
She's essentially living a life.
We can't kill her.
304
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,470
Not with that attitude,
we can't.
305
00:12:02,510 --> 00:12:04,640
Listen, man, I'm dead,
you're dead,
306
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,610
we all died,
and now we're killing her.
307
00:12:07,650 --> 00:12:08,850
Pay it forward.
308
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,620
Uh, no, that's not
what that means at all.
309
00:12:10,650 --> 00:12:12,450
Eleanor?
310
00:12:12,490 --> 00:12:14,390
Here we are .
311
00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:17,460
Just press that button,
and it's good-bye, Janet.
312
00:12:18,990 --> 00:12:20,960
Chidi, I can see
that you're worried,
313
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,530
and I just want to assure you,
314
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:25,500
I am not human,
and I cannot feel pain.
315
00:12:25,530 --> 00:12:26,900
Ah, thank you.
That helps.
316
00:12:26,970 --> 00:12:28,900
However,
I should warn you--
317
00:12:28,970 --> 00:12:31,300
I am programmed
with a fail-safe measure.
318
00:12:31,340 --> 00:12:32,640
As you approach
the kill switch,
319
00:12:32,670 --> 00:12:34,840
I will begin to beg
for my life.
320
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,480
It's just there in case
of an accidental shut down,
321
00:12:37,510 --> 00:12:39,680
but it will seem very real.
322
00:12:39,710 --> 00:12:42,010
Cool.
So who's doing this, me or you?
323
00:12:42,050 --> 00:12:44,020
I think I have to.
324
00:12:44,050 --> 00:12:46,920
Um, being a bystander
seems worse, somehow.
325
00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:51,360
Okay, here we go.
326
00:12:51,390 --> 00:12:52,720
Chidi, no, no, no!
Chidi, please!
327
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,490
Please, please, please
don't hurt me.
328
00:12:54,530 --> 00:12:55,760
I don't want to die!
Please, please--
329
00:12:55,830 --> 00:12:57,500
ah!
330
00:12:57,530 --> 00:12:59,400
Again, I am not human.
331
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:00,830
I can't die.
332
00:13:00,870 --> 00:13:04,070
I am simply an anthropomorphized
vessel of knowledge
333
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:06,510
built to make
your life easier.
334
00:13:06,540 --> 00:13:09,440
You're pleading
seems so real.
335
00:13:09,510 --> 00:13:11,580
Oh, yes, it is
a very effective fail-safe.
336
00:13:11,610 --> 00:13:13,850
Ugh, you want
a robot killed right,
337
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,420
you have to do it yourself.
338
00:13:16,450 --> 00:13:17,850
Eleanor?
Eleanor, no, no, no.
339
00:13:17,890 --> 00:13:19,420
Please, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Eleanor, I have kids.
340
00:13:19,450 --> 00:13:21,920
I have
three beautiful children--
341
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,020
Tyler, Emma,
and little, tiny baby Phillip.
342
00:13:25,060 --> 00:13:26,430
Look at Tyler.
343
00:13:26,460 --> 00:13:27,730
Tyler has asthma, but he
is battling it like a champ.
344
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,930
Look at him.
No, Eleanor, look at them.
345
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,700
Look at them!
346
00:13:31,730 --> 00:13:33,030
Look at them!
347
00:13:33,070 --> 00:13:34,430
Aah!
It's so realistic!
348
00:13:34,470 --> 00:13:36,030
Eleanor, again,
I'm not human.
349
00:13:36,070 --> 00:13:38,540
This is a stock photo
of the crowd
350
00:13:38,570 --> 00:13:40,610
at the nickelodeon
kids' choice awards.
351
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:43,140
That's right, it's not real.
352
00:13:43,210 --> 00:13:44,480
Let's just do this.
Right.
353
00:13:44,550 --> 00:13:45,880
Please, I have so much
to live for.
354
00:13:45,910 --> 00:13:47,380
No, no, no, please.
We're not even near the--
355
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,410
hey, guys, what's going on?
356
00:13:48,450 --> 00:13:50,550
That party was lame,
so I bailed.
357
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:52,720
Then I saw you,
so I followed you here.
358
00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:54,920
Oh, look, a button.
No, no, no!
359
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,050
Jianyu, no!
360
00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:07,770
Ah, man, I wanted
to push that button.
361
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,740
Not cool, dude.
362
00:14:09,770 --> 00:14:12,070
Whoa.
What happened to Janet?
363
00:14:12,110 --> 00:14:14,670
She's--she's dead.
I-I-i killed her.
364
00:14:14,740 --> 00:14:15,840
Not killed.
365
00:14:15,910 --> 00:14:18,080
Remember,
Janet was not a living being,
366
00:14:18,110 --> 00:14:19,580
so she can't be killed.
367
00:14:19,610 --> 00:14:22,650
- Attention--
I have been murdered.
368
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,980
Attention--
I have been murdered.
369
00:14:25,020 --> 00:14:27,920
Attention--
I have been murdered.
370
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,620
Attention--
I have been murdered.
371
00:14:30,660 --> 00:14:31,620
Attention...
372
00:14:31,660 --> 00:14:33,430
What do we do, Eleanor?
373
00:14:33,460 --> 00:14:37,030
What do we do?
Chidi, you just murdered Janet.
374
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,800
We have to flee
your crime scene.
375
00:14:38,830 --> 00:14:40,470
Run!
376
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:41,800
- I have been murdered.
377
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,940
Sorry, Janet!
- I have been murdered.
378
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,970
Attention--i have--
379
00:14:49,940 --> 00:14:51,540
attention...
380
00:14:51,570 --> 00:14:53,140
Okay, dude, crash course
in getting away with bad stuff.
381
00:14:53,210 --> 00:14:54,910
You have to act calm and cool
382
00:14:54,940 --> 00:14:56,710
like you don't have a care
in the world.
383
00:14:56,740 --> 00:14:57,880
Okay?
384
00:14:57,910 --> 00:14:59,610
Great.
385
00:14:59,650 --> 00:15:02,550
Oh, wow. Look, it's
"weekend at Bernie's,"
386
00:15:02,580 --> 00:15:04,650
'cause you're a dead guy
in sunglasses.
387
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,890
We have fun, don't we, Chidi?
388
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,450
I've never been more
stressed out in my entire life.
389
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:10,560
I know what you need.
390
00:15:10,590 --> 00:15:13,430
Janet, can you get Chidi
some weed?
391
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:17,100
Oh, that's right.
You killed Janet.
392
00:15:18,270 --> 00:15:20,430
Well, Janet's been murdered.
393
00:15:20,470 --> 00:15:23,230
That's a nice capper
to this wonderful day.
394
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:25,170
I don't really know
what happens now
395
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:28,470
because Janet has never
been murdered before--
396
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:31,480
only today, here on my watch,
397
00:15:31,510 --> 00:15:33,140
while I was distracted
with a party
398
00:15:33,180 --> 00:15:35,480
that Tahani
was throwing for me,
399
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:36,610
which I didn't want.
400
00:15:36,650 --> 00:15:38,580
Michael,
you mustn't blame yourself.
401
00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:40,150
I'm not.
I'm blaming you.
402
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,950
Anyway, what is there
to say about Janet
403
00:15:42,990 --> 00:15:44,260
that hasn't already been said
404
00:15:44,290 --> 00:15:47,930
by the giant Janet alarm
in the sky?
405
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,260
"I've been murdered"!
406
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:51,800
I think that says it all.
407
00:15:51,830 --> 00:15:53,000
Hello.
408
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,970
Janet, you're alive!
409
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,200
Hello, architect,
410
00:15:59,270 --> 00:16:03,140
please enter
your four-digit pin.
411
00:16:03,180 --> 00:16:04,980
Uh, what is it?
Uh, what is it?
412
00:16:05,010 --> 00:16:06,640
What is it?
Um--oh, right, right, right!
413
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:08,480
It's my, uh--my birth year.
414
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,550
Uh...
415
00:16:10,620 --> 00:16:13,020
I got to change that.
That's too easy to guess.
416
00:16:13,050 --> 00:16:15,150
Janet...
417
00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:16,290
Who murdered you?
418
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:17,820
Oh. Oh, no.
Shh, okay.
419
00:16:17,860 --> 00:16:20,530
Hello.
Yes, hello.
420
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:22,030
Oh, yeah.
421
00:16:22,060 --> 00:16:25,130
Uh, her memory
must have been wiped clean,
422
00:16:25,170 --> 00:16:27,530
so now she's gonna have
to re-upload
423
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,230
all the knowledge
in the universe,
424
00:16:29,300 --> 00:16:30,700
which will only take a few days.
Okay--
425
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,170
hello.
Hello.
426
00:16:32,210 --> 00:16:34,240
Hello.
Hello.
427
00:16:34,310 --> 00:16:37,680
Everyone, um, until I get
to the bottom of this,
428
00:16:37,710 --> 00:16:40,310
my retirement
is officially postponed.
429
00:16:40,350 --> 00:16:42,010
Whoo!
430
00:16:42,050 --> 00:16:43,850
Oh, oh.
431
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:47,520
Hello.
Hello.
432
00:16:47,550 --> 00:16:50,020
You got to admit--
I kind of nailed it.
433
00:16:50,060 --> 00:16:52,560
All we have to do now
is keep the secret forever.
434
00:16:52,590 --> 00:16:54,330
J-dog, you cool?
435
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,160
No, by the time I got
to the pinata,
436
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,730
all the candy was gone.
437
00:16:58,770 --> 00:17:00,530
He's not gonna tell anyone.
438
00:17:00,570 --> 00:17:02,530
Chidi?
Cheedster?
439
00:17:02,570 --> 00:17:04,240
What's, uh, happening, buddy?
440
00:17:04,270 --> 00:17:06,040
You have a crazy look
in your eye,
441
00:17:06,070 --> 00:17:08,110
and you're retreating
into your shirt.
442
00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:11,240
You're kind of turtling.
443
00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:14,350
Henry, are you all right?
What happened?
444
00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:17,280
I have an aneurysm.
Requires emergency surgery.
445
00:17:17,350 --> 00:17:19,080
Doctor's give me
a 50/50 chance.
446
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,550
So, if there's anything
you need to say to me,
447
00:17:21,590 --> 00:17:23,090
you should do it now.
448
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,690
Oh, well...
449
00:17:25,730 --> 00:17:29,290
Actually, um...
450
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:30,630
They let you wear
your boots in here?
451
00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:32,760
They're the only things
that bring me comfort.
452
00:17:34,630 --> 00:17:36,200
What did you want
to say to me?
453
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:37,800
Oh, um...
454
00:17:37,870 --> 00:17:41,870
Just that I'm here
and I love you, man.
455
00:17:41,910 --> 00:17:45,040
I love you, too,
boot brother.
456
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,310
Okay.
457
00:17:49,380 --> 00:17:50,720
Chidi!
458
00:17:50,750 --> 00:17:52,820
You didn't have to stay here
all night.
459
00:17:52,890 --> 00:17:55,090
So surgery went well?
All clear?
460
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:56,820
Right as rain, buddy.
461
00:17:56,890 --> 00:18:00,660
That is so, so, so great.
462
00:18:00,730 --> 00:18:02,260
I hate your boots.
What?
463
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:04,930
I told you that I loved
your boots three years ago,
464
00:18:04,970 --> 00:18:06,160
and I was lying,
465
00:18:06,230 --> 00:18:08,230
and that lie has haunted me
ever since,
466
00:18:08,270 --> 00:18:09,800
and people tried to tell me
it was fine--
467
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,900
just a nice, little white lie
in the form of social niceties--
468
00:18:11,940 --> 00:18:13,340
but I disagreed,
and then yesterday
469
00:18:13,410 --> 00:18:15,270
I thought you were gonna die,
but now you're not dead,
470
00:18:15,310 --> 00:18:17,110
and I can finally be honest
471
00:18:17,140 --> 00:18:19,610
and say that those boots
are terrible and hideous
472
00:18:19,650 --> 00:18:22,080
and I hate them.
473
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,280
Whoo!
474
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:28,120
This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.
475
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:29,250
Yeah, I know.
476
00:18:29,290 --> 00:18:31,260
And I get it.
477
00:18:32,290 --> 00:18:34,260
I don't care
that she came back
478
00:18:34,290 --> 00:18:36,290
or that we did it
for a good reason.
479
00:18:36,330 --> 00:18:37,930
I can't live
with this lie.
480
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,200
I'm going to confess
to the murder of Janet.
481
00:18:42,340 --> 00:18:43,430
What?
482
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,490
We didn't harm her at all.
483
00:18:49,530 --> 00:18:51,490
We didn't?
Hey, Janet?
484
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:52,990
Hello.
485
00:18:53,030 --> 00:18:54,360
Hello.
Hello.
486
00:18:54,430 --> 00:18:57,500
Janet, would you please recite
the English alphabet?
487
00:18:57,530 --> 00:18:59,500
A-b...
488
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:00,500
Janet.
489
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:01,940
She knows her a-b-Janets.
490
00:19:01,970 --> 00:19:04,840
She literally knew everything
in the universe,
491
00:19:04,870 --> 00:19:06,270
and now she's a baby.
492
00:19:06,310 --> 00:19:09,010
And even if she were okay,
it would be too painful for me
493
00:19:09,050 --> 00:19:10,680
to live with these lies.
494
00:19:10,710 --> 00:19:12,110
What are you talking about?
495
00:19:12,150 --> 00:19:14,880
It is so easy
to live with a lie.
496
00:19:14,950 --> 00:19:17,450
I once pretended
to have a terminal illness
497
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:20,490
to meet Scott wolf
at a sunglass hut.
498
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,690
Victimless crime.
499
00:19:22,730 --> 00:19:24,160
Fine.
500
00:19:24,190 --> 00:19:26,890
I won't say anything
because I promised to help you,
501
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,700
and the moral implications...
502
00:19:29,730 --> 00:19:31,830
Of everything that we've done
are so complicated
503
00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:34,900
that I may never untangle them,
but I hate lying.
504
00:19:34,970 --> 00:19:36,140
I always have,
505
00:19:36,170 --> 00:19:39,040
and this is going
to eat me up inside forever.
506
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:40,410
You might be able
to shrug this off,
507
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,410
and forget about it,
but I never will.
508
00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:47,180
Hello.
509
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:48,920
Hi.
Hello.
510
00:19:48,990 --> 00:19:51,720
Hi.
Hello.
511
00:19:51,750 --> 00:19:53,750
Jianyu!
512
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:57,690
Michael, Janet said you wanted
to speak to me.
513
00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:59,730
Well, actually,
she was just drooling a lot
514
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,060
and saying "hello"
over and over again,
515
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:03,830
but she did point at you.
516
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,700
I owe you an apology.
517
00:20:05,740 --> 00:20:07,400
Oh, no.
No, you don't.
518
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:08,740
No, um...
519
00:20:08,770 --> 00:20:10,570
But please continue.
520
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:12,110
You were only trying
to help.
521
00:20:12,180 --> 00:20:14,740
You're a wonderful person,
522
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:17,710
and if I ever do have
a retirement party,
523
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:18,910
I hope you plan it.
524
00:20:25,190 --> 00:20:26,950
Thank you for gathering,
everyone.
525
00:20:27,020 --> 00:20:29,190
I want to keep you
all updated.
526
00:20:29,230 --> 00:20:30,930
Here's what we know.
527
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,960
Someone slaughtered Janet.
528
00:20:33,030 --> 00:20:34,100
Oh, boy.
529
00:20:34,130 --> 00:20:35,960
Oh, boy.
Okay, easy.
530
00:20:36,030 --> 00:20:38,200
I assume
that this horrifying act
531
00:20:38,230 --> 00:20:41,600
is somehow related to
the other issues we've had here.
532
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,640
It also means
533
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:46,040
that the problems
in this neighborhood
534
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:49,610
are not 100% my fault.
535
00:20:49,650 --> 00:20:52,050
There is something else
at work here.
536
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,980
If anyone has any information
537
00:20:55,050 --> 00:20:56,620
about any of this,
538
00:20:56,650 --> 00:20:58,950
I beg you,
539
00:20:58,990 --> 00:21:00,120
tell me.
540
00:21:02,660 --> 00:21:05,590
Hey, I love you, man.
541
00:21:05,630 --> 00:21:07,960
Michael...
542
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,470
The problem
in the neighborhood...
543
00:21:11,500 --> 00:21:12,630
Is me.
544
00:21:13,970 --> 00:21:16,970
I was brought to the good place
by mistake.
545
00:21:17,010 --> 00:21:19,110
I'm not supposed to be here.