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♪ And now ♪
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♪ The end is near ♪
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♪ And so I face ♪
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♪ The final curtain ♪
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- Ow! What the hell?
- Walk it off, Lululemon.
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♪ I'll say it clear ♪
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♪ I'll state my case ♪
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♪ Of which I'm certain ♪
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♪ I've lived ♪
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♪ A life that's full ♪
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♪ I traveled each and... ♪
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"Live every day like it's your last."
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Bite me. I'ma live forever, bitch.
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Ma'am? It's $132.21.
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So, big plans this weekend?
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Yep.
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I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching
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wedding fails on YouTube,
drinking margaritas
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through a Twizzlers straw
until I pass out
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on top of my vibrator.
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Hi there. Do you have a second
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to talk about the environment?
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No. Buzz off, whale-humper.
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You know, I see you here all the time,
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and you're always mean to me,
and it really hurts my feelings.
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It does? Because the minute
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you're out of my line of sight,
I literally forget you exist.
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Watch. You exist. You don't exist.
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You're bothering me.
Don't care if you die.
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- See?
- Why are you like this?
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Excuse me? Why am I like this?
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You don't know me, dude.
You don't know what I'm like.
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Look what you made me do, jag-off.
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- ♪ And did it my... ♪
- Oh, my God, look out!
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- Uh-oh.
- ♪ Way ♪
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Oh, good, you're awake.
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Can I ask you a question
about where we're going?
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Sure.
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Where are we going? I forgot.
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We're going somewhere
that's not the Good Place,
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and it's not the Bad Place.
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We're going to a Medium Place.
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Hmm, is there a 7-Eleven on the way?
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'Cause Janet's powers aren't working,
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and I want some gum
and some football cards
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and some scratchy tickets.
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- Go away from me.
- Okay.
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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
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_
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Can this train go any faster, Janet?
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No pressure, but Jason and I
will literally be tortured
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for all of eternity if we get caught.
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Don't worry, there's no way to tell
we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house.
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It'll be our sexy little secret.
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Jason taught me about sexy things.
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Oh, yeah? What things
did he say were sexy?
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Lamborghinis, cool snakes,
spinning rims,
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20,000 followers on Instagram,
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girls with pigtails eating lollipops,
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latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.
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Eh, some of those are right.
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I'm here to preside over case #00003
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regarding the soul
of Eleanor Shellstrop.
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The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet
to present their argument.
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What up, ding-dongs?
Yeah, so basically, um,
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the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag,
and these jabronis
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are gonna try and claim
she's less of a dirt bag now,
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but she just stole your train,
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and she still sucks bad.
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And she belongs with us.
Oh, also, check this out.
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Nailed it.
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I've ruled the fart
inadmissible as evidence.
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What I will consider
is the recent development
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- of Eleanor stealing my train.
- Now, hold on a second.
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She stole your train to voluntarily
go down to the Bad Place.
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She was sacrificing herself
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because she is a wonderful, selfless...
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No, don't... oh!
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- What's happening?
- I should have warned you.
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Shawn only cares about cold hard facts.
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If he detects any feelings
in your voice,
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he retreats into a cocoon,
so what we need to do now
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is just be very still and very quiet.
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Finally.
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- Oh, come...
- What did he just say?
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Oh, because you're all so perfect.
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Wow.
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So where does this Mindy St. Clair live?
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I don't know. I'm out of range
of our neighborhood. I don't have any
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- of my normal abilities here.
- Perfect.
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Well, let's try this way.
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Ooh, I've never had to walk before.
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This is fun.
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Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.
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Well, given that she's the only person
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in the neighborhood,
I'm guessing this is the pl...
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Oh! She's naked!
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Oh, sorry!
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Who are you?
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I'm Janet.
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Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie.
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I'm from the Good Place,
and welcome to your first day
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- in the afterlife.
- What's up, idiot?
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Sorry I'm late, babe.
Hey, are you pregnant?
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- That's not possible.
- Congrats.
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Yeah, so, Mindy, look.
You mostly sucked,
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but then you did this one good thing.
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I mean, I still think
we should get you...
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They didn't, but neither did we.
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A compromise was made:
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the neighborhood you are in now
by yourself.
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You submitted a list
of things you wanted;
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the Good Place provided those things.
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Yeah, and the Bad Place
made some modifications.
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We got you your favorite beer.
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Yeah, but it's always warm.
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On your jukebox, you'll find
every song ever sung.
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Yeah, by The Eagles, and
it's only the live versions.
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Also, there's some spoken word poetry
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from William Shatner.
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It's deeply terrible.
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You get the idea.
Welcome to eternal mediocrity.
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- Welcome to the Medium Place.
- So what's up?
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What's your deal? Are you single?
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What's going on?
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Sorry about before.
One of the perks of living alone
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is that I get to just walk around naked.
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My kind of gal.
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And I gotta say, you keep it tight.
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Oh, that is the nicest and only thing
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anyone has said to me in 30 years.
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So tell us everything.
I mean, what did you do
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- to end up here?
- That's kind of a long story.
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- Gonna need a drink or three.
- Definitely my kind of gal.
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You guys have fun.
This is me and Janet's
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honeymoon, so we're gonna
go try and figure out
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how to have sex.
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So I was a hotshot
corporate lawyer in the 1980s.
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I only cared about making money
and doing cocaine.
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One night, I had an epiphany, right?
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I needed to do something
good with my life.
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So I drew up plans for this foundation
that would help kids all over the world,
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would advance human rights,
revolutionize agriculture,
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and just improve every nation
and every society
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in every possible way.
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- You were pretty coked-up, huh?
- Oh, yeah, man,
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I was flying high. It was so awesome.
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But... you're not gonna believe this...
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I followed through. Yeah, I woke up
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the next morning,
I went straight to the bank,
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I withdrew my life savings,
and I was gonna start
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- that charity.
- Good for you!
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And then I immediately
fell into subway tracks
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and was electrocuted by the third rail.
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- Ooh...
- Honestly, not the type of rail
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I thought was gonna kill me...
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'Cause I love cocaine.
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Do you have any?
I'm just... I shouldn't...
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Do you?
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- No.
- Oh, yeah. I mean, I was just...
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I was just kidding. It was just a joke.
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I mean, who would want
to do cocaine right now?
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- Are you okay?
- Anyway, so after I died, uh,
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my sister found my plan,
and she used my money
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to start the Mindy St. Clair
Rescue Alliance, yeah.
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It's actually the largest
relief aid charity in the world.
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Oh, so the question was,
did you get credit
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for all those good person points or not?
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Exactly. I don't know how long
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my case was pending or whatever,
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but when I woke up, the two sides
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had been fighting about me
for a long time.
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Like a stripper over that
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last bump of coke at the party,
if you know what I mean.
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But anyway, they finally came to
this compromise, you know?
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Well, it beats being tortured.
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I was about to turn myself in.
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No. Yeah, there's no time
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for that morality nonsense, sweetheart.
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This is about survival.
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You gotta look out for number one.
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Right, well, we don't have proof
that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's.
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Eleanor, we've got a surprise for you.
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Yeah, thanks, but I brought my own cake.
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Oh, I know you've only
worked here a few weeks,
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but we have this little office tradition
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where we all pitch in, and then we...
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Yeah, no, I get it. It's just, I know
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what kind of cake I like.
Plus, it's Lisa's
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birthday next week,
and if I let you give me a cake,
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that means I gotta pitch in
to get Lisa a cake
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and sing to her and wear
one of those dumb hats
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you all are wearing right now.
No, thanks.
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This way, I don't owe you anything,
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you don't owe me anything. Later.
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What were we talking about?
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What is her deal? Why is she like this?
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I don't know, but the meaner she is,
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the more it turns me on. Is that weird?
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- You're my boss.
- Oh, say that to me again,
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00:08:59,377 --> 00:09:01,578
but more disgusted with me,
like I'm a worm.
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00:09:04,215 --> 00:09:06,383
Eleanor was supposed to be
in the Bad Place,
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00:09:06,417 --> 00:09:07,951
arrived here by accident,
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assumed another person's identity,
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and has now escaped.
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00:09:10,388 --> 00:09:13,290
Is that the whole story?
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00:09:13,324 --> 00:09:15,625
Well, no. Someone else was
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00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:19,095
sent here by mistake.
His name is Jason Mendoza,
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00:09:19,130 --> 00:09:21,364
and I believe he's on
the train with Eleanor.
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00:09:21,399 --> 00:09:24,401
- You knew about Jason?
- Yes, I know
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00:09:24,435 --> 00:09:27,203
that he's a fake
and that he's married to Janet
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00:09:27,238 --> 00:09:29,539
and that this entire neighborhood is...
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What's the human expression?
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Ah, yes, a smokin' hot turd.
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00:09:34,412 --> 00:09:36,379
I will deal with Jason Mendoza later.
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00:09:36,414 --> 00:09:38,381
For now, I will hear
your arguments for why
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00:09:38,416 --> 00:09:40,984
Fake Eleanor Shellstrop
should stay in the Good Place.
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00:09:41,018 --> 00:09:44,254
We can do this,
but we must remain emotionless.
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00:09:44,288 --> 00:09:46,573
I'm talking "Kristen Stewart
on a red carpet"
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00:09:46,598 --> 00:09:49,559
level of emotionless here, all right?
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00:09:49,593 --> 00:09:50,927
Begin.
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00:09:50,962 --> 00:09:53,930
Eleanor dedicated herself
to the study of ethics.
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00:09:53,965 --> 00:09:56,399
I was blown away by her capacity
for self-improvement.
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00:09:56,434 --> 00:09:58,001
Eleanor is a magnificent person
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who has grown tremendously
in her time here.
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Please, I'm begging you, please.
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00:10:01,973 --> 00:10:04,407
Voluntarily heading
to the Bad Place proves
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00:10:04,442 --> 00:10:07,110
that she is a selfless person.
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Sorry. I'm getting choked up.
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Yes, voluntarily sacrificing herself
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and heading to the Bad Place
would be a point in her favor.
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00:10:14,685 --> 00:10:17,253
However, I've just received word
that Eleanor is not currently
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in the Bad Place.
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00:10:18,456 --> 00:10:20,190
We have no idea where she is.
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00:10:20,224 --> 00:10:21,191
- Well, what the...
- What?
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00:10:21,225 --> 00:10:22,993
Fork!
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I will now review Eleanor's memories.
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00:10:26,590 --> 00:10:28,319
Her memories? As in, all the things
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00:10:28,354 --> 00:10:29,687
- she's done on Earth?
- Mm-hmm.
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00:10:29,722 --> 00:10:31,890
But perhaps we could
take a little break first.
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00:10:31,924 --> 00:10:34,459
You know, we've been at it for
a while, and you must be tired.
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00:10:34,493 --> 00:10:37,295
I've been asleep in goo for
the last 29 years, so I'm good.
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00:10:37,329 --> 00:10:39,831
Call up the screen for
Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please.
244
00:10:41,434 --> 00:10:43,802
Where should we begin,
"Waiters Screamed At"
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00:10:43,836 --> 00:10:47,038
or "Cyberbullying of Pregnant Woman
from Spin Class"?
246
00:10:53,446 --> 00:10:55,547
Hey, you wanna grab
a drink or something?
247
00:10:55,581 --> 00:10:58,583
Uh, no, I kind of have
my own private time routine.
248
00:10:58,617 --> 00:11:02,320
I thought you'd want company
after being here alone for so long.
249
00:11:02,354 --> 00:11:04,823
- No.
- Okay, I get it.
250
00:11:04,857 --> 00:11:06,558
Hey, uh, where did you get that?
251
00:11:06,592 --> 00:11:08,426
That's not one of my books.
252
00:11:08,461 --> 00:11:11,062
I only have Anne Rice vampire
novels with water stains,
253
00:11:11,096 --> 00:11:13,698
and I've cut words out of most
of them to make pornography.
254
00:11:13,732 --> 00:11:15,433
My friend in the Good Place
gave it to me
255
00:11:15,468 --> 00:11:18,403
when he was teaching me ethics.
It reminds me of him.
256
00:11:18,437 --> 00:11:20,839
Look, if you wanna survive,
you have to forget
257
00:11:20,873 --> 00:11:23,441
what you left behind.
Take that whole experience,
258
00:11:23,476 --> 00:11:26,478
crumple it up, throw it
in the garbage can.
259
00:11:28,614 --> 00:11:30,548
Okay. Instead of reading,
260
00:11:30,583 --> 00:11:35,553
I will watch this VHS copy
of "Cannonball Run II."
261
00:11:35,588 --> 00:11:39,958
Or maybe "The Making
of 'Cannonball Run II.'"
262
00:11:39,992 --> 00:11:42,026
Wow. Very medium.
263
00:11:42,061 --> 00:11:43,595
Yeah.
264
00:11:43,629 --> 00:11:46,097
Hey, you two lovebirds
figure out how to have sex yet?
265
00:11:46,131 --> 00:11:47,866
No. We tried for two hours,
266
00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:50,635
but there was just a lot of,
like, bumping into each other.
267
00:11:50,669 --> 00:11:52,370
It was weird.
268
00:12:01,347 --> 00:12:03,314
This ain't your bar mitzvah
anymore, bitch.
269
00:12:03,349 --> 00:12:07,719
It's my 24th birthday! What!
Hot tiara, girl.
270
00:12:08,821 --> 00:12:11,556
That was "The Crashing
and Subsequent Destruction
271
00:12:11,590 --> 00:12:13,458
of Vanessa Garcia's Quinceañera."
272
00:12:13,492 --> 00:12:15,126
Let's move on to another event.
273
00:12:16,495 --> 00:12:18,329
"Heckling of Mall Santas"?
274
00:12:18,364 --> 00:12:21,704
"Lifetime Ban
from Build-a-Bear Workshop"?
275
00:12:21,729 --> 00:12:25,430
"Brief Instagram Flirtation
with Kid Rock"? Oh, no.
276
00:12:25,455 --> 00:12:28,673
This is getting away from us.
We need to do something quickly.
277
00:12:28,907 --> 00:12:30,775
Yeah, uh, Judge, request permission
278
00:12:30,809 --> 00:12:32,977
to speak somewhat emotionally?
279
00:12:33,011 --> 00:12:34,779
Ugh. Fine.
280
00:12:34,813 --> 00:12:36,013
Dramamine.
281
00:12:36,048 --> 00:12:38,149
Helps with the nausea. Proceed.
282
00:12:38,183 --> 00:12:42,186
Okay, look, I know, obviously,
these memories aren't great.
283
00:12:42,221 --> 00:12:45,890
I was particularly disturbed
by "Started Fire in Mailbox
284
00:12:45,924 --> 00:12:47,892
to Get Mailman to Take Off
Shirt," but that
285
00:12:47,926 --> 00:12:50,862
was the old Eleanor. She changed.
286
00:12:50,896 --> 00:12:54,031
She worked and she studied
and she got better.
287
00:12:54,066 --> 00:12:56,634
And it wasn't just self-preservation,
288
00:12:56,668 --> 00:13:00,037
it was real self-improvement.
I made the decision to help
289
00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:03,074
Eleanor that first week,
and I'm glad I did.
290
00:13:03,108 --> 00:13:04,909
Because she's worth it.
291
00:13:04,943 --> 00:13:07,078
I, too, helped Eleanor.
292
00:13:07,112 --> 00:13:08,813
Not as much as Chidi, surely,
293
00:13:08,847 --> 00:13:10,748
but my help was more friendship
294
00:13:10,783 --> 00:13:12,650
and sorely needed fashion advice.
295
00:13:12,684 --> 00:13:15,653
Eleanor deserves to stay.
296
00:13:15,687 --> 00:13:17,889
Thank you for these testimonials.
297
00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:19,357
A ruling has been reached.
298
00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:25,363
Oh, you want to hear it.
299
00:13:25,397 --> 00:13:28,399
I forgot how needy humans are.
300
00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:30,668
Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person.
301
00:13:30,702 --> 00:13:33,204
The progress she has made
does not offset her actions on Earth.
302
00:13:33,238 --> 00:13:35,468
She deserves to be in the Bad Place.
303
00:13:35,493 --> 00:13:37,708
- Oh!
- As concerning Jason Mendoza,
304
00:13:37,743 --> 00:13:39,844
I have heard no statements
nor seen any evidence
305
00:13:39,878 --> 00:13:42,884
to suggest... oh, he's from Florida?
306
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:44,081
Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.
307
00:13:44,116 --> 00:13:47,051
No, but how do you intend
to enforce this ruling?
308
00:13:47,085 --> 00:13:49,053
You have no idea where they are.
309
00:13:49,087 --> 00:13:50,221
Bad Janet?
310
00:13:50,255 --> 00:13:52,290
What's up, fork nuts?
311
00:13:52,324 --> 00:13:54,625
Engage walkie-talkie protocol.
312
00:13:57,830 --> 00:13:59,964
What if you're here, and I'm like this?
313
00:13:59,998 --> 00:14:02,633
Yes, that may work.
314
00:14:05,137 --> 00:14:06,804
Whoa, what is happening?
315
00:14:06,839 --> 00:14:09,073
Is she having an orgasm?
Did I do it somehow?
316
00:14:09,107 --> 00:14:11,809
Attention Eleanor Shellstrop
and Jason Mendoza.
317
00:14:11,844 --> 00:14:14,019
This is the Almighty Judge
on High of All Beings
318
00:14:14,044 --> 00:14:15,487
Living and Dead for All Eternity.
319
00:14:15,512 --> 00:14:16,779
My name's Shawn.
320
00:14:16,804 --> 00:14:18,474
We do not know where you are
321
00:14:18,568 --> 00:14:20,168
but hope you are receiving this message.
322
00:14:20,279 --> 00:14:22,920
You have been found to be the
rightful property of the Bad Place.
323
00:14:22,955 --> 00:14:24,822
Either return
to your original neighborhood,
324
00:14:24,856 --> 00:14:28,192
or your accomplices Chidi Anagonye
and Tahani Al-Jamil
325
00:14:28,226 --> 00:14:29,560
will go to the Bad Place in your stead.
326
00:14:29,594 --> 00:14:30,828
- What?
- What?
327
00:14:30,862 --> 00:14:33,030
You have four hours. Good-bye.
328
00:14:33,065 --> 00:14:34,805
Your Honor, please,
329
00:14:34,830 --> 00:14:36,901
Chidi and Tahani
are completely innocent.
330
00:14:36,935 --> 00:14:38,336
They are not completely innocent.
331
00:14:38,370 --> 00:14:39,770
They told me so themselves.
332
00:14:39,805 --> 00:14:41,272
They aided and abetted two criminals,
333
00:14:41,306 --> 00:14:44,542
one of whom was a DJ.
334
00:14:44,576 --> 00:14:48,026
They're gonna send Chidi and Tahani
to the Bad Place?
335
00:14:48,947 --> 00:14:51,115
We're off the hook, this is amazing!
336
00:14:51,149 --> 00:14:54,230
Babe, we are going to be trying
to make love all night long.
337
00:15:00,027 --> 00:15:01,809
We don't have to go back, though.
338
00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:04,298
- they just said.
- We can't let Tahani and Chidi
339
00:15:04,332 --> 00:15:06,600
go to the Bad Place.
They're our friends.
340
00:15:06,635 --> 00:15:09,603
- We literally owe it to them.
- If they're really
341
00:15:09,638 --> 00:15:13,307
our "friends," then why aren't
they here with us right "now"?
342
00:15:13,341 --> 00:15:16,610
Because we ran away. Are you...
343
00:15:16,645 --> 00:15:19,079
Does your brain work, actually?
344
00:15:19,114 --> 00:15:21,177
Do you have a functioning head?
345
00:15:21,283 --> 00:15:22,983
I think he has a good point.
346
00:15:23,018 --> 00:15:24,552
I wouldn't go back for those turkeys.
347
00:15:24,586 --> 00:15:25,553
How can you say that?
348
00:15:25,587 --> 00:15:28,422
Think practically here.
Okay, you go back,
349
00:15:28,457 --> 00:15:30,891
you turn yourself in,
you get sent to the Bad Place,
350
00:15:30,926 --> 00:15:32,593
and you never see your friends again.
351
00:15:32,627 --> 00:15:36,397
Or you stay here, you're safe
from the Bad Place,
352
00:15:36,431 --> 00:15:38,232
and you never see your friends again.
353
00:15:38,266 --> 00:15:40,267
It's the same results,
except if you stay here,
354
00:15:40,302 --> 00:15:41,335
you don't get tortured.
355
00:15:41,369 --> 00:15:44,038
- But they do.
- That's their problem.
356
00:15:44,072 --> 00:15:46,440
Your problem is whether
you get tortured.
357
00:15:46,475 --> 00:15:48,909
Now if you'll excuse me,
358
00:15:48,944 --> 00:15:51,245
it's my masturbating time.
359
00:15:51,279 --> 00:15:53,280
When isn't it? We're going back.
360
00:15:53,315 --> 00:15:54,915
- But...
- Now.
361
00:15:57,966 --> 00:15:59,687
Can we even make it there in time?
362
00:15:59,721 --> 00:16:01,689
I believe so, though it'll be close.
363
00:16:01,723 --> 00:16:03,324
- Where's Jason?
- Heads up!
364
00:16:03,358 --> 00:16:05,459
Sorry, Eleanor,
but I can't let us leave.
365
00:16:05,494 --> 00:16:07,661
Bortles!
366
00:16:09,398 --> 00:16:10,664
No!
367
00:16:13,802 --> 00:16:16,303
What are you doing, you goon?
368
00:16:16,338 --> 00:16:17,438
Trying to blow up the train.
369
00:16:17,472 --> 00:16:19,940
Blowing stuff up got me
out of so many jams on Earth.
370
00:16:19,975 --> 00:16:22,243
Let me try again.
Do... do you have another bottle?
371
00:16:23,545 --> 00:16:26,514
Hi there, since there's
no Janet here to serve you,
372
00:16:26,548 --> 00:16:28,382
I brought you two a little treat.
373
00:16:28,417 --> 00:16:31,852
- Ah, kind of like a last meal.
- Not like a last meal,
374
00:16:31,887 --> 00:16:34,822
just, uh, the final food
you might ever eat.
375
00:16:36,658 --> 00:16:40,077
I'm gonna miss these little perks
when I'm down in the Bad Place,
376
00:16:40,102 --> 00:16:41,640
being forced to wear a...
377
00:16:41,665 --> 00:16:45,202
a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.
378
00:16:45,227 --> 00:16:47,501
- That's what you think hell is?
- Ugh.
379
00:16:47,536 --> 00:16:49,870
Janet, please, we have to go.
380
00:16:49,905 --> 00:16:52,640
I won't start the train
until my husband says it's okay.
381
00:16:52,674 --> 00:16:54,208
I'm sorry, Eleanor, but I engaged
382
00:16:54,242 --> 00:16:57,945
a ride-or-die protocol
so I'm loyal to Jason forever.
383
00:16:59,748 --> 00:17:01,282
Buddy...
384
00:17:01,983 --> 00:17:04,084
Come on, we gotta go.
385
00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:05,935
I don't wanna go to the Bad Place.
386
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,422
It's scary, like
the movie "Ratatouille."
387
00:17:08,456 --> 00:17:09,896
- What?
- Yo, I ain't trying
388
00:17:09,921 --> 00:17:12,042
to have rats living
in my hat and pulling my hair
389
00:17:12,067 --> 00:17:13,560
to get me to do stuff.
390
00:17:14,562 --> 00:17:16,597
I'm scared too.
391
00:17:16,631 --> 00:17:18,565
But we can't just abandon
our friends and let them
392
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:19,900
take the fall for us.
393
00:17:19,934 --> 00:17:22,770
Sure we can.
It would be so easy to do that.
394
00:17:22,804 --> 00:17:24,905
We'd just go back to
Mindy's house, chill out...
395
00:17:24,939 --> 00:17:26,607
I'd get used to room-temperature beer.
396
00:17:26,641 --> 00:17:28,575
Me and Janet keep trying
to solve the problem
397
00:17:28,610 --> 00:17:31,578
of how to have sex,
which could take years.
398
00:17:31,613 --> 00:17:32,413
Yeah, yeah.
399
00:17:32,447 --> 00:17:34,248
Let's just pretend that we didn't hear
400
00:17:34,282 --> 00:17:36,107
the Janet walkie-talkie message.
401
00:17:38,186 --> 00:17:40,821
No, it's time to own up, dude.
402
00:17:40,855 --> 00:17:42,895
I spent my whole life acting like Mindy,
403
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:47,127
me first, no matter what,
and it literally took dying
404
00:17:47,162 --> 00:17:49,263
and being around a bunch
of good people to realize
405
00:17:49,297 --> 00:17:51,799
that I was kind of a nightmare.
406
00:17:51,833 --> 00:17:53,667
Why were you like that?
407
00:17:53,702 --> 00:17:56,603
Well...
408
00:17:56,638 --> 00:18:00,107
let me tell you about
Doug and Donna Shellstrop.
409
00:18:00,141 --> 00:18:03,277
Hey, Dad, just a warning,
Mom's gonna be here in a second.
410
00:18:03,311 --> 00:18:06,856
Ugh, your mother's coming?
Oh, boy, hide the silverware.
411
00:18:06,881 --> 00:18:08,649
You mean the silverware
you stole from Mom?
412
00:18:08,683 --> 00:18:10,851
Yeah, but she keeps trying
to steal it back.
413
00:18:10,885 --> 00:18:12,720
I drove here as fast as I could.
414
00:18:12,754 --> 00:18:14,922
You scored free WrestleMania tickets?
415
00:18:14,956 --> 00:18:16,390
There are no tickets, Mom.
I knew that was
416
00:18:16,424 --> 00:18:17,691
the only way I could get you here.
417
00:18:17,726 --> 00:18:19,560
Ah-ha! Burn.
418
00:18:19,594 --> 00:18:21,829
Eleanor, just because your father and I
419
00:18:21,863 --> 00:18:23,764
are divorced does not mean
you can disrespect me
420
00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:26,834
like this, okay? We are a family.
421
00:18:26,868 --> 00:18:28,002
Whose birthday is it?
422
00:18:28,036 --> 00:18:30,871
- Mine.
- Are you serious? No way.
423
00:18:30,905 --> 00:18:33,073
That was a B.S. foul on Chapman.
424
00:18:33,108 --> 00:18:35,542
And since you both forgot,
again, which means
425
00:18:35,577 --> 00:18:37,911
you definitely didn't
get me a present, again,
426
00:18:37,946 --> 00:18:41,081
I got myself something.
I just need you to sign it.
427
00:18:41,116 --> 00:18:44,218
Emancipation papers? Honey!
428
00:18:44,252 --> 00:18:46,053
What does "emancipation" mean?
429
00:18:46,087 --> 00:18:48,088
It means I'll be on my own.
430
00:18:48,123 --> 00:18:51,225
All my life, I've been taking
care of myself and you guys.
431
00:18:51,259 --> 00:18:53,560
I work two after-school jobs
because you blew half
432
00:18:53,595 --> 00:18:55,596
my college fund bailing
your boyfriend out of jail.
433
00:18:55,630 --> 00:18:56,864
So irresponsible.
434
00:18:56,898 --> 00:18:59,199
And you blew the other half
trying to frame her boyfriend.
435
00:18:59,234 --> 00:19:02,936
It was so stupid.
He was already guilty, dumbass.
436
00:19:02,971 --> 00:19:04,938
I've been on my own
for a while now anyway,
437
00:19:04,973 --> 00:19:07,602
and after you sign these papers,
it'll be official.
438
00:19:07,627 --> 00:19:09,810
I won't owe you anything;
you won't owe me anything.
439
00:19:09,844 --> 00:19:13,447
Well, if you want me to sign...
oh, that's a joint.
440
00:19:13,481 --> 00:19:16,717
Uh, do you have a pen or a lighter?
441
00:19:16,751 --> 00:19:19,453
You're a really interesting
person, Eleanor.
442
00:19:19,487 --> 00:19:21,522
We should hang out sometime.
443
00:19:28,496 --> 00:19:30,676
Wow, your parents sucked.
444
00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:33,504
Yeah, they did, and I've been using
445
00:19:33,529 --> 00:19:35,135
their crappy parenting as an excuse
446
00:19:35,170 --> 00:19:39,773
for my selfish behavior
all my life. No more.
447
00:19:39,808 --> 00:19:43,462
We know what's right here.
We have to go back.
448
00:19:47,282 --> 00:19:49,783
Ride-or-die.
449
00:19:58,036 --> 00:19:59,003
Time is up.
450
00:19:59,037 --> 00:20:00,782
In preparation for your trip
to the Bad Place,
451
00:20:00,807 --> 00:20:02,290
please put on these fedoras.
452
00:20:02,315 --> 00:20:04,085
Oh, no.
453
00:20:04,110 --> 00:20:07,612
Well, no use delaying the inevitable.
454
00:20:07,647 --> 00:20:10,943
We surrender. Together.
455
00:20:10,968 --> 00:20:13,452
Chidi, Tahani,
we're back to save your souls.
456
00:20:16,122 --> 00:20:18,457
Real weird vibe in here.
457
00:20:18,491 --> 00:20:20,759
Was definitely expecting some applause.
458
00:20:20,793 --> 00:20:24,362
You're too late.
You... you missed the cut-off.
459
00:20:24,397 --> 00:20:28,168
But we're here. We came here
as fast as we could, and we're here.
460
00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:29,855
So...
461
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:31,237
now what?
462
00:20:36,075 --> 00:20:38,891
_
463
00:20:41,314 --> 00:20:44,783
What is the most logical decision?
464
00:20:44,817 --> 00:20:46,451
I made my initial ruling.
465
00:20:46,486 --> 00:20:49,087
I established a deadline.
The deadline was missed.
466
00:20:49,122 --> 00:20:51,123
The original perpetrators are here.
467
00:20:51,157 --> 00:20:52,524
This is exhausting.
468
00:20:52,558 --> 00:20:54,927
I just want to go back to my
container of goo and go to sleep.
469
00:20:54,961 --> 00:20:57,095
The Bad Place is owed two people.
470
00:20:57,130 --> 00:20:59,932
In my opinion, which is
an objective fact in this case
471
00:20:59,966 --> 00:21:01,033
and all cases always and forever,
472
00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:04,569
you have all done bad things
since you arrived here,
473
00:21:04,604 --> 00:21:06,605
therefore I don't care
which two of you go.
474
00:21:06,639 --> 00:21:09,541
You can decide. You have 30 minutes.
475
00:21:12,412 --> 00:21:15,147
Uh, don't I get to weigh in?
476
00:21:15,181 --> 00:21:19,284
No. I am in charge of all matters here
for the next 30 minutes.
477
00:21:19,319 --> 00:21:21,586
Bring me a list
of the frozen yogurt flavors.
478
00:21:21,621 --> 00:21:23,522
We have some work to do there as well.
479
00:21:34,467 --> 00:21:36,335
Morning, Mike. How's it hanging?
480
00:21:36,369 --> 00:21:39,237
Oh. Fine, Dave, just fine.
481
00:21:39,272 --> 00:21:42,240
I put your mail on your desk and
you have an appointment later
482
00:21:42,275 --> 00:21:44,910
with the Director of Point Calculations.
483
00:21:44,944 --> 00:21:46,044
Ugh.
484
00:21:46,079 --> 00:21:48,146
Listen, we got the files
for the new crop of incoming,
485
00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:52,351
and the Big Guy thinks it's time
for you to fly solo.
486
00:21:52,385 --> 00:21:54,186
I get to design it myself?
487
00:21:54,220 --> 00:21:57,155
You've been an apprentice
long enough. You're ready.
488
00:21:59,225 --> 00:22:01,360
Oh, Dave, I'm gonna work so hard.
489
00:22:01,394 --> 00:22:03,624
My design is gonna be
absolutely perfect.
490
00:22:03,649 --> 00:22:06,164
Okay. Easy there, rookie.
491
00:22:06,199 --> 00:22:08,033
Starting immediately, you'll be
out of my department.
492
00:22:08,067 --> 00:22:10,535
You'll be reporting
directly to the front office.
493
00:22:10,570 --> 00:22:13,171
This is your shot. Good luck.
494
00:22:15,981 --> 00:22:18,166
_
495
00:22:23,216 --> 00:22:26,284
All I ever wanted was
for this neighborhood...
496
00:22:26,319 --> 00:22:29,842
my first neighborhood to be perfect.
497
00:22:29,867 --> 00:22:34,059
Somehow I blew it and...
well, you're all suffering,
498
00:22:34,093 --> 00:22:36,395
and for that, I'm deeply sorry.
499
00:22:41,935 --> 00:22:44,937
This is truly
the saddest day of my life.
500
00:22:52,045 --> 00:22:55,480
Okay, I guess I'll speak first.
501
00:22:55,515 --> 00:22:57,482
Jason and I are the mistakes.
502
00:22:57,517 --> 00:22:59,418
We're the ones who misled everybody
503
00:22:59,452 --> 00:23:01,954
and dragged you all
into this mess, so...
504
00:23:01,988 --> 00:23:03,288
we should go to the Bad Place.
505
00:23:03,323 --> 00:23:04,289
- Agreed.
- Yes.
506
00:23:04,324 --> 00:23:06,291
Okay, I thought you were gonna
at least pretend
507
00:23:06,326 --> 00:23:07,993
to fight me on that, but whatever.
508
00:23:08,027 --> 00:23:09,962
Hang on. That judge guy just said
509
00:23:09,996 --> 00:23:12,998
everyone here has done bad things.
510
00:23:13,032 --> 00:23:14,700
Let's look at this ethnically.
511
00:23:14,725 --> 00:23:16,969
For what I hope is the last time,
512
00:23:17,003 --> 00:23:18,567
it is "ethically."
513
00:23:18,592 --> 00:23:20,906
You guys helped me and Eleanor, right,
514
00:23:20,940 --> 00:23:24,609
but we're bad,
so you helping us was bad.
515
00:23:24,644 --> 00:23:27,145
It's basic consequentialism:
the morality of an action
516
00:23:27,180 --> 00:23:29,181
is solely judged on its consequences.
517
00:23:29,215 --> 00:23:30,820
Great.
518
00:23:30,845 --> 00:23:33,618
The one time you actually
remember something from class.
519
00:23:33,653 --> 00:23:35,253
Maybe I was brought here by mistake,
520
00:23:35,288 --> 00:23:36,989
but since we've been here, I just tried
521
00:23:37,023 --> 00:23:38,523
to stay out of everyone's way.
522
00:23:38,558 --> 00:23:40,292
Chidi's done worse stuff than me.
523
00:23:40,326 --> 00:23:42,494
He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!
524
00:23:42,528 --> 00:23:44,529
I was trying to stop you from doing it!
525
00:23:44,564 --> 00:23:45,597
Yeah, but you did it.
526
00:23:45,631 --> 00:23:47,532
He who smelt it murdered Janet.
527
00:23:47,567 --> 00:23:49,501
Okay, well, it's settled then.
528
00:23:49,535 --> 00:23:51,370
Eleanor and Jianyu are leaving.
529
00:23:51,404 --> 00:23:53,138
For the last time, my name is Jason,
530
00:23:53,172 --> 00:23:55,040
not Jianyu, the amazing
and incredible monk.
531
00:23:55,074 --> 00:23:57,209
Which is why you belong
in the Bad Place.
532
00:23:57,243 --> 00:24:00,145
And by the way, Janet is not your wife,
533
00:24:00,179 --> 00:24:01,380
or your soul mate.
534
00:24:01,414 --> 00:24:02,879
There's a Janet in every neighborhood.
535
00:24:02,904 --> 00:24:04,725
Well, I'm in love with this Janet.
536
00:24:04,750 --> 00:24:06,718
We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff
537
00:24:06,752 --> 00:24:08,286
which almost turned out to be sex,
538
00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:10,088
and we were married in a legal ceremony.
539
00:24:10,123 --> 00:24:11,044
It was not legal.
540
00:24:11,069 --> 00:24:12,958
Okay, J-bones, you and me, outside.
541
00:24:12,992 --> 00:24:14,893
What? But...
542
00:24:14,927 --> 00:24:16,796
I'm not going. I don't wanna.
543
00:24:16,821 --> 00:24:18,931
I know you don't "wanna," goofball.
544
00:24:18,956 --> 00:24:22,968
I don't wanna either, but let's face it.
545
00:24:23,002 --> 00:24:25,704
Chidi and Tahani are
better people than we are.
546
00:24:25,738 --> 00:24:29,541
We tried to improve ourselves
and you know what?
547
00:24:29,575 --> 00:24:32,544
We did a good job.
Well, I did a good job.
548
00:24:32,578 --> 00:24:34,079
You mostly fell asleep in class
549
00:24:34,113 --> 00:24:35,647
or made fart noises with your hands.
550
00:24:35,681 --> 00:24:37,935
I could never do that on Earth.
551
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,619
This place truly is paradise.
552
00:24:41,621 --> 00:24:43,221
Look at them.
553
00:24:43,256 --> 00:24:46,224
Whispering away like
two Beefeaters on a tea break.
554
00:24:46,259 --> 00:24:48,093
I bet they're plotting against us.
555
00:24:48,127 --> 00:24:49,995
No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that.
556
00:24:50,029 --> 00:24:52,397
You do have feelings for her, don't you?
557
00:24:52,432 --> 00:24:54,433
I don't know. Yes.
558
00:24:54,467 --> 00:24:55,934
But no. Please don't make me
559
00:24:55,968 --> 00:24:57,502
think about this again.
My brain will break.
560
00:24:57,537 --> 00:25:01,006
I'm sorry, it's just that
I have certain feelings for you.
561
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:02,274
You must see this.
562
00:25:02,308 --> 00:25:05,010
The universe keeps
intertwining our fates.
563
00:25:05,044 --> 00:25:07,112
It's meaningful, don't you think?
564
00:25:07,146 --> 00:25:08,747
This whole...
565
00:25:08,781 --> 00:25:11,750
romantic situation is such a mess.
566
00:25:11,784 --> 00:25:15,120
I am vexed, Tahani. Vexed.
567
00:25:15,154 --> 00:25:17,456
I'm sorry, I don't mean
to contribute to your misery,
568
00:25:17,490 --> 00:25:19,524
it's just that I'm frightened.
569
00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:22,627
I don't have an actual soul mate.
570
00:25:22,662 --> 00:25:25,630
What's gonna happen to me
when Jason and Fake Eleanor go
571
00:25:25,665 --> 00:25:28,700
and you're off with Real Eleanor?
572
00:25:28,734 --> 00:25:30,235
Whither Tahani?
573
00:25:30,269 --> 00:25:32,037
Okay, team meeting.
574
00:25:32,071 --> 00:25:36,441
Jason has agreed that
the two of us should go.
575
00:25:36,466 --> 00:25:38,216
Bye, Tahani.
576
00:25:38,241 --> 00:25:39,744
Sorry for everything.
577
00:25:39,779 --> 00:25:43,548
After I'm gone you can go ahead
and clean out my bud hole.
578
00:25:43,583 --> 00:25:45,250
Thank you.
579
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:50,488
I love you so much, baby.
Promise me you'll visit.
580
00:25:50,523 --> 00:25:52,090
I will not.
581
00:25:52,124 --> 00:25:54,593
It is literally impossible
for me to do that.
582
00:25:56,295 --> 00:25:59,431
Well, it's been real, dog.
583
00:25:59,465 --> 00:26:02,334
Sorry, that's how I ended most
of my serious relationships.
584
00:26:02,368 --> 00:26:04,536
Yeah, that checks out.
585
00:26:06,272 --> 00:26:07,606
I feel like I failed you.
586
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,376
No. Don't ever think that.
587
00:26:12,945 --> 00:26:18,216
I was dropped into a cave,
and you were my flashlight.
588
00:26:19,285 --> 00:26:22,454
Oh. Good-bye forever.
589
00:26:22,488 --> 00:26:24,589
I will miss you so much.
590
00:26:24,624 --> 00:26:27,125
I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.
591
00:26:29,262 --> 00:26:32,230
All right, ready to go?
Let's grab Michael.
592
00:26:33,666 --> 00:26:35,700
Come in.
593
00:26:35,735 --> 00:26:37,736
Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.
594
00:26:37,770 --> 00:26:41,906
Um, I'm going to the Bad Place.
I've taken one of the slots.
595
00:26:41,941 --> 00:26:42,774
- What?
- Awesome.
596
00:26:42,808 --> 00:26:45,543
I've been there, I know I can hack it.
597
00:26:45,578 --> 00:26:48,824
Actually, I have kind of a rapport
with some of the fire monsters.
598
00:26:48,849 --> 00:26:51,549
Eleanor, that's crazy. You belong here.
599
00:26:51,584 --> 00:26:54,219
There's another reason.
600
00:26:54,253 --> 00:26:57,889
Everyone here is
supposed to have a soul mate,
601
00:26:58,157 --> 00:27:00,927
and my soul mate doesn't love me.
602
00:27:02,361 --> 00:27:05,059
I don't know if you love
the other Eleanor
603
00:27:05,084 --> 00:27:07,632
or Tahani or someone else,
604
00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:13,338
but you don't love me,
which means that this...
605
00:27:13,372 --> 00:27:17,309
will never really be my Good Place.
606
00:27:17,343 --> 00:27:21,680
I'm going, so you only
have to choose one more person.
607
00:27:23,349 --> 00:27:26,318
Okay, that means...
608
00:27:26,352 --> 00:27:28,653
that means that... what does that mean?
609
00:27:28,688 --> 00:27:31,523
It means...
610
00:27:31,557 --> 00:27:33,743
I get to stay here with my wife forever!
611
00:27:33,768 --> 00:27:38,823
We did it, Eleanor! USA! USA! USA!
612
00:27:39,917 --> 00:27:42,527
USA! USA! Whoo-hoo!
613
00:27:42,614 --> 00:27:44,782
This is so dope! I get to stay
614
00:27:44,816 --> 00:27:48,485
You realize if you stay,
I still have to go, right?
615
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:52,589
Yes, but... I get to stay.
616
00:27:52,624 --> 00:27:54,291
Good point, bud.
617
00:27:54,325 --> 00:27:55,775
Well reasoned.
618
00:27:56,995 --> 00:28:00,497
Wow, Chidi is a terrible writer.
619
00:28:02,634 --> 00:28:05,536
This is a real mess, huh?
620
00:28:05,570 --> 00:28:07,604
No matter what they decide,
I'd bet you're gonna be
621
00:28:07,639 --> 00:28:09,673
in pretty hot water with your boss.
622
00:28:09,708 --> 00:28:12,943
Wouldn't be surprised
if retirement were on the table.
623
00:28:14,679 --> 00:28:15,879
Retirement?
624
00:28:15,914 --> 00:28:17,147
Course, what do I know?
625
00:28:17,182 --> 00:28:20,684
I'm just The All-Knowing Judge
of All Matters in the Afterlife.
626
00:28:20,719 --> 00:28:24,688
But face it, this is your mistake.
627
00:28:24,723 --> 00:28:26,890
- Morning, Mike.
- Morning, Val.
628
00:28:26,925 --> 00:28:29,739
Which one's which? I always forget.
629
00:28:29,764 --> 00:28:32,247
Black is regular, orange is anti-matter.
630
00:28:34,032 --> 00:28:37,134
Working on your first
solo design, right?
631
00:28:37,168 --> 00:28:38,958
How's it coming?
632
00:28:40,705 --> 00:28:43,574
Do you ever get the feeling
we could be doing it all...
633
00:28:43,608 --> 00:28:44,575
differently?
634
00:28:44,609 --> 00:28:47,878
I mean, it's always the same.
We get the names,
635
00:28:47,912 --> 00:28:50,514
come up with the design, they arrive,
636
00:28:50,548 --> 00:28:52,816
we move on to the next one.
637
00:28:52,851 --> 00:28:56,687
We never even get to be there...
to see how fun it is.
638
00:28:56,721 --> 00:28:59,857
Yeah, I guess, but don't
rock the boat here, pal,
639
00:28:59,891 --> 00:29:02,559
just try to do a good job.
640
00:29:03,595 --> 00:29:05,529
Mm. French vanilla?
641
00:29:05,563 --> 00:29:07,531
Regular anti-matter's fine,
why flavor it?
642
00:29:09,734 --> 00:29:11,488
A good job.
643
00:29:17,858 --> 00:29:20,881
_
644
00:29:24,582 --> 00:29:27,851
All right, nerds,
let's just get this over with.
645
00:29:27,886 --> 00:29:30,053
I'll go to the Bad Place
with Real Eleanor,
646
00:29:30,088 --> 00:29:31,555
- and you three can stay.
- Yes!
647
00:29:31,589 --> 00:29:33,123
We get to stay, baby! We did it!
648
00:29:33,158 --> 00:29:34,958
Wait, no.
649
00:29:34,993 --> 00:29:37,594
You're not going.
650
00:29:37,629 --> 00:29:38,629
I am.
651
00:29:38,663 --> 00:29:39,763
- What?
- Why?
652
00:29:39,798 --> 00:29:43,567
Real Eleanor is my soul mate...
or was my soul mate...
653
00:29:43,601 --> 00:29:44,501
and she's only going down there
654
00:29:44,536 --> 00:29:46,069
because she thinks
that I don't love her.
655
00:29:46,104 --> 00:29:47,461
- Do you?
- I don't know.
656
00:29:47,486 --> 00:29:48,872
Please don't ask me that.
My stomach hurts.
657
00:29:48,907 --> 00:29:51,742
The point is, if she's going
down there because of me,
658
00:29:51,776 --> 00:29:52,782
I'll never be at peace.
659
00:29:52,807 --> 00:29:54,878
Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!
660
00:29:54,913 --> 00:29:56,854
No, dude, this is bonkers.
661
00:29:56,879 --> 00:29:58,513
I am going. End of story.
662
00:29:58,538 --> 00:30:01,060
No, I'm going. End of everything.
663
00:30:01,085 --> 00:30:03,420
What? Now you're trying
to replace Chidi?
664
00:30:03,454 --> 00:30:05,823
No. I'm going to replace Real Eleanor.
665
00:30:05,857 --> 00:30:07,329
Chidi and I are going to go together,
666
00:30:07,354 --> 00:30:09,908
which means that you and
Real Eleanor and Jason can stay.
667
00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:12,095
Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!
668
00:30:12,130 --> 00:30:16,466
Look, I love you
and I think you love me.
669
00:30:16,501 --> 00:30:19,903
We can be together,
away from everyone else.
670
00:30:19,938 --> 00:30:20,904
Obviously, we'll be miserable,
671
00:30:20,939 --> 00:30:24,908
but I truly believe
our love will make us happy.
672
00:30:24,943 --> 00:30:26,977
Okay, you realize the Bad Place is not
673
00:30:27,011 --> 00:30:28,846
some sort of couples retreat, right?
674
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:30,981
If it is, Janet and I would like to go.
675
00:30:31,015 --> 00:30:32,950
I am going! And Real Eleanor is going!
676
00:30:32,984 --> 00:30:34,369
No, I'm going with Real Eleanor!
677
00:30:34,394 --> 00:30:35,853
No, I'm going with Chidi!
678
00:30:35,878 --> 00:30:37,447
Me and Janet are staying, just FYI.
679
00:30:37,472 --> 00:30:39,623
Oh, that's enough out of you,
robot lover.
680
00:30:39,657 --> 00:30:41,024
- Hey, that's racist!
- Not a robot.
681
00:30:41,059 --> 00:30:42,830
Oh, you have some nerve.
682
00:30:42,855 --> 00:30:44,127
Guys?
683
00:30:45,830 --> 00:30:47,798
Guys!
684
00:30:55,874 --> 00:31:00,801
Holy motherforking shirtballs.
685
00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:03,160
What?
686
00:31:03,248 --> 00:31:05,567
Oh, man.
687
00:31:05,683 --> 00:31:07,484
Wow!
688
00:31:07,518 --> 00:31:09,987
Okay, okay.
689
00:31:10,021 --> 00:31:11,788
Uh, whoo!
690
00:31:11,823 --> 00:31:15,292
Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out!
691
00:31:18,930 --> 00:31:20,197
Is everything okay?
692
00:31:20,231 --> 00:31:22,199
Right as rain, Mikey my boy.
693
00:31:22,233 --> 00:31:25,502
So, Chidi and I are gonna go
to the Bad Place.
694
00:31:25,536 --> 00:31:28,238
- What?
- Trust me, I've got this.
695
00:31:28,273 --> 00:31:30,007
That's our decision. Let's hit it.
696
00:31:30,041 --> 00:31:32,142
Well, what about Real Eleanor?
697
00:31:32,176 --> 00:31:34,211
No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.
698
00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:38,048
Point of order.
I don't accept this offer.
699
00:31:38,082 --> 00:31:39,932
The real mistakes were
Jason and Eleanor.
700
00:31:39,957 --> 00:31:42,052
Gah, gah, gah, gah!
You said any two of us.
701
00:31:42,086 --> 00:31:44,288
It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.
702
00:31:45,723 --> 00:31:48,091
Michael! I just found
an obscure precedent
703
00:31:48,126 --> 00:31:49,982
in the rules
that might just save everyone.
704
00:31:50,007 --> 00:31:53,101
Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.
705
00:31:53,965 --> 00:31:56,296
Oh, okay.
706
00:31:57,902 --> 00:31:59,603
Ready when you are, boss.
707
00:31:59,637 --> 00:32:01,338
Eleanor, what's going on?
708
00:32:01,372 --> 00:32:04,041
It took me a while to figure it out,
709
00:32:04,075 --> 00:32:06,009
but just now as we were all
710
00:32:06,044 --> 00:32:07,844
fighting and yelling at each other
711
00:32:07,879 --> 00:32:11,048
and each one of us demanding
we should go to the Bad Place,
712
00:32:11,082 --> 00:32:14,685
I thought to myself,
"Man, this is torture."
713
00:32:14,719 --> 00:32:16,720
And then it hit me.
714
00:32:16,754 --> 00:32:20,891
They're never gonna call a train
to take us to the Bad Place.
715
00:32:20,925 --> 00:32:24,485
The can't, because we're already here.
716
00:32:26,331 --> 00:32:28,680
This is the Bad Place.
717
00:32:40,945 --> 00:32:43,380
Oh, man!
718
00:32:43,414 --> 00:32:45,882
I can't believe you figured it out.
719
00:32:48,019 --> 00:32:50,153
Oh, God!
720
00:32:50,188 --> 00:32:52,756
Y-you ruined everything, you know that?
721
00:32:55,061 --> 00:32:56,756
Oh, man.
722
00:32:56,858 --> 00:32:59,208
Eleanor, you really suck!
723
00:32:59,233 --> 00:33:01,434
I was so close to pulling it off!
724
00:33:09,208 --> 00:33:11,243
Sorry. So she's right?
725
00:33:11,277 --> 00:33:13,078
Yeah, she figured it out.
726
00:33:13,112 --> 00:33:16,649
No, this doesn't make any sense.
727
00:33:16,674 --> 00:33:17,783
This is paradise.
728
00:33:17,809 --> 00:33:20,163
Oh, it looks like paradise,
729
00:33:20,250 --> 00:33:23,619
but it's actually a filthy dumpster
730
00:33:23,653 --> 00:33:25,654
full of our worst anxieties.
731
00:33:25,688 --> 00:33:29,224
I'm surrounded by people who are
literally better than me.
732
00:33:29,259 --> 00:33:32,861
Just me being here forced Chidi
into an ethical "clusterfork."
733
00:33:32,896 --> 00:33:34,196
Tahani tortured Jason
734
00:33:34,230 --> 00:33:36,064
by constantly trying to get him to talk,
735
00:33:36,099 --> 00:33:38,834
Jason tortured my because I was
sure he would blow our cover,
736
00:33:38,868 --> 00:33:40,068
which was torture for Chidi,
737
00:33:40,103 --> 00:33:41,737
because he was responsible for me,
738
00:33:41,771 --> 00:33:44,072
which made Chidi seem
like the perfect soul mate,
739
00:33:44,107 --> 00:33:46,808
and that tortured Tahani
because he didn't love her.
740
00:33:46,843 --> 00:33:47,709
You don't love me?
741
00:33:47,744 --> 00:33:49,378
Please, don't ask me that right now.
742
00:33:49,412 --> 00:33:50,646
See?
743
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:54,316
We've been torturing each other
since the moment we arrived,
744
00:33:54,350 --> 00:33:56,251
and everything Michael has done
745
00:33:56,286 --> 00:33:58,587
has made at least one of us miserable.
746
00:33:58,621 --> 00:34:01,857
I had to be his assistant
and try and find myself.
747
00:34:01,891 --> 00:34:06,361
He convinced me to throw
my life's work in the garbage.
748
00:34:06,396 --> 00:34:09,598
He made sure I'd see those
bogus neighborhood rankings
749
00:34:09,632 --> 00:34:12,340
because he knew I'd hate
being second-to-last.
750
00:34:12,365 --> 00:34:16,605
And I had the perfect bud hole
and no dudes to share it with.
751
00:34:16,639 --> 00:34:19,107
He played us like a fiddle.
752
00:34:19,142 --> 00:34:20,676
You gotta give it up.
753
00:34:20,710 --> 00:34:21,510
Oh, dip!
754
00:34:21,544 --> 00:34:23,245
Eleanor, I told you that first night
755
00:34:23,279 --> 00:34:24,947
that we were in a prank show.
756
00:34:24,981 --> 00:34:26,014
Oh, yeah.
757
00:34:26,049 --> 00:34:28,383
You did! Great job, man.
758
00:34:29,986 --> 00:34:32,354
Chidi, don't go!
759
00:34:32,388 --> 00:34:35,791
I don't care if you don't
love me, I love you.
760
00:34:35,825 --> 00:34:37,960
It's the only thing
that makes any sense to me
761
00:34:37,994 --> 00:34:39,116
in this crazy world,
762
00:34:39,218 --> 00:34:42,091
- and I think we should stay...
- No, stop, Vicky.
763
00:34:42,116 --> 00:34:44,296
They figured it out.
764
00:34:44,434 --> 00:34:47,341
- They...
- They know this is the Bad Place.
765
00:34:47,366 --> 00:34:49,438
Eleanor figured it out.
766
00:34:52,175 --> 00:34:54,076
Man!
767
00:34:54,110 --> 00:34:55,711
This was supposed to be my big moment.
768
00:34:55,745 --> 00:34:58,981
I just rehearsed that speech
for, like, three hours.
769
00:34:59,015 --> 00:35:01,984
Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst,
770
00:35:02,018 --> 00:35:04,119
and you can all suck it.
771
00:35:06,289 --> 00:35:07,322
Do you remember what I told you
772
00:35:07,357 --> 00:35:10,393
when you predicted you could
do this for 1,000 years?
773
00:35:11,828 --> 00:35:15,182
The time has come to innovate.
774
00:35:15,298 --> 00:35:21,003
The human afterlife can be more fun.
775
00:35:21,037 --> 00:35:24,406
For us, obviously, not
for the people we're torturing.
776
00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:25,941
Who cares about those dummies?
777
00:35:27,877 --> 00:35:29,945
I present to you the perfect recipe
778
00:35:29,979 --> 00:35:32,114
for my proposed experiment.
779
00:35:32,148 --> 00:35:38,153
Four people, perfectly suited
to make each other miserable.
780
00:35:38,187 --> 00:35:41,990
I'm going to design an afterlife
781
00:35:42,025 --> 00:35:44,760
where they torture each other.
782
00:35:44,794 --> 00:35:45,761
We've tried this.
783
00:35:45,795 --> 00:35:48,263
Humans are very reticent
to torture each other.
784
00:35:48,297 --> 00:35:49,865
Even getting them to do simple things
785
00:35:49,899 --> 00:35:53,802
like pulling out each other's
teeth is like...
786
00:35:53,836 --> 00:35:56,004
I can't think of the right analogy.
787
00:35:56,039 --> 00:35:57,873
What makes you think that you
can get them to do this?
788
00:35:57,907 --> 00:36:00,876
Because they won't even know
that they are doing it.
789
00:36:00,910 --> 00:36:05,147
I'm going to make them think
that they are in the Good Place,
790
00:36:05,181 --> 00:36:08,383
and to make sure that they
drive each other insane,
791
00:36:08,418 --> 00:36:13,388
I will be there, posing
as a Good Place architect.
792
00:36:13,423 --> 00:36:14,389
What?
793
00:36:14,424 --> 00:36:17,059
I even stole
a Good Place Janet we can use.
794
00:36:17,093 --> 00:36:18,226
Ugh!
795
00:36:18,261 --> 00:36:19,772
It can work.
796
00:36:19,797 --> 00:36:21,063
Look,
797
00:36:21,097 --> 00:36:23,231
we can just send them all
to the hot spike pits
798
00:36:23,266 --> 00:36:24,266
with the lava and the bees
799
00:36:24,300 --> 00:36:27,002
and the lightning
that tears off their flesh.
800
00:36:27,036 --> 00:36:28,904
Let's try something new.
801
00:36:28,938 --> 00:36:31,073
Too many variables.
Too many moving parts.
802
00:36:31,107 --> 00:36:32,808
That's what will make it fun.
803
00:36:32,842 --> 00:36:35,243
I cannot predict everything
that's gonna happen,
804
00:36:35,278 --> 00:36:36,545
but we'll improvise.
805
00:36:36,579 --> 00:36:40,482
We'll... we'll be on our toes.
It'll be exciting.
806
00:36:40,516 --> 00:36:46,254
I think that we can get them
to torture each other...
807
00:36:46,289 --> 00:36:47,889
for 1,000 years.
808
00:36:47,924 --> 00:36:50,559
I think you'll be lucky
to get six months
809
00:36:50,593 --> 00:36:52,294
out of this insane gambit.
810
00:36:53,796 --> 00:36:57,933
But take me through it.
How would this work, exactly?
811
00:36:57,967 --> 00:37:01,403
Oh. Yes, all right, so...
812
00:37:01,437 --> 00:37:04,406
This is a 14 million-point plan.
813
00:37:05,808 --> 00:37:07,943
Um... oh, sorry.
814
00:37:07,977 --> 00:37:10,278
I thought we reserved
the conference room.
815
00:37:10,313 --> 00:37:12,114
No, Todd, we have it until 3:00.
816
00:37:12,148 --> 00:37:14,036
Sorry. Sorry, everyone.
817
00:37:14,417 --> 00:37:19,521
So, Bambadjan and Gunnar and Shawn...
818
00:37:19,555 --> 00:37:20,956
everyone else in this neighborhood...
819
00:37:20,990 --> 00:37:22,557
Except for you four,
820
00:37:22,592 --> 00:37:26,561
everyone in this neighborhood
is one of us.
821
00:37:26,596 --> 00:37:28,597
After I came up
with everyone's characters,
822
00:37:28,631 --> 00:37:32,033
we'd just create fun scenarios
designed to torture you.
823
00:37:32,068 --> 00:37:34,136
How can I be over it?
We haven't discussed it
824
00:37:34,170 --> 00:37:35,904
or even spoken for days.
825
00:37:35,938 --> 00:37:36,872
Well, it sounds like you've had
826
00:37:36,906 --> 00:37:39,808
a really nice vacation
from your full-time job.
827
00:37:39,842 --> 00:37:41,443
Get your story straight.
828
00:37:41,477 --> 00:37:43,278
Okay.
829
00:37:43,312 --> 00:37:44,980
They're at each other's throats already.
830
00:37:45,014 --> 00:37:46,314
This should put them over the top.
831
00:37:46,349 --> 00:37:48,984
Ed, you play Bart, a former private eye.
832
00:37:49,018 --> 00:37:51,586
- Ooh.
- Tracy, you're his soul mate,
833
00:37:51,621 --> 00:37:53,989
Nina... a marriage counselor.
834
00:37:54,924 --> 00:37:56,391
Maybe we can get them to swing with us.
835
00:37:58,027 --> 00:37:59,494
That's perfect, perfect!
836
00:37:59,529 --> 00:38:00,562
Shh, shh, shh.
837
00:38:01,631 --> 00:38:03,298
Hey, guys? It's Michael!
838
00:38:04,500 --> 00:38:06,902
That was really a fun time.
839
00:38:06,936 --> 00:38:10,839
Then it all started to go off the rails.
840
00:38:10,873 --> 00:38:13,008
When I confessed.
841
00:38:13,042 --> 00:38:15,310
You had no idea I was gonna do that,
842
00:38:15,344 --> 00:38:18,146
because honestly, I had
no idea I was gonna do that,
843
00:38:18,181 --> 00:38:20,248
Yeah, that came out of nowhere.
844
00:38:20,283 --> 00:38:23,518
I mean, after that it was just
a crazy scramble for all of us.
845
00:38:23,553 --> 00:38:26,521
You know, I definitely underestimated
846
00:38:26,556 --> 00:38:28,523
how effective Chidi was gonna be,
847
00:38:28,558 --> 00:38:30,025
teaching you to be good,
848
00:38:30,059 --> 00:38:32,127
and obviously, we didn't anticipate
849
00:38:32,161 --> 00:38:34,296
that Janet would
fall in love with Jason.
850
00:38:34,330 --> 00:38:36,998
Hang on. That part is real.
851
00:38:37,033 --> 00:38:39,634
Oh, yeah. Janet isn't one of us.
852
00:38:39,669 --> 00:38:42,604
No, she's sort of a...
foundational mainframe
853
00:38:42,638 --> 00:38:45,373
for all of the neighborhoods,
good and bad.
854
00:38:45,408 --> 00:38:48,877
And apparently, this Janet
is in love with Jason.
855
00:38:48,911 --> 00:38:51,046
I mean... What a world, huh?
856
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:52,547
Wait, I don't get something.
857
00:38:52,582 --> 00:38:56,618
I know why Jason and I were
sent here, but why Tahani?
858
00:38:56,652 --> 00:38:58,220
Oh, yeah. Didn't you raise,
859
00:38:58,254 --> 00:39:01,022
like, $1,000 for charity, or whatever?
860
00:39:01,057 --> 00:39:04,392
Uh, $60 billion, actually, so.
861
00:39:06,195 --> 00:39:08,029
Oh.
862
00:39:08,064 --> 00:39:10,699
But it didn't matter...
863
00:39:10,733 --> 00:39:13,034
because my motivations were corrupt.
864
00:39:14,203 --> 00:39:18,039
I didn't care about helping
the people I raised the money for.
865
00:39:18,074 --> 00:39:20,575
I just wanted to prove my parents wrong,
866
00:39:20,610 --> 00:39:22,244
stick it to my sister,
867
00:39:22,278 --> 00:39:23,645
get fame and attention.
868
00:39:23,679 --> 00:39:25,080
My only real goal
869
00:39:25,114 --> 00:39:28,583
was to snog Ryan Gosling
at the Met Ball.
870
00:39:28,618 --> 00:39:30,719
Which I did.
871
00:39:30,753 --> 00:39:32,053
Couple of times, actually.
872
00:39:32,088 --> 00:39:34,222
But wait, why is Chidi here?
873
00:39:34,257 --> 00:39:36,057
Well, uh...
874
00:39:36,092 --> 00:39:39,261
there's something
you don't know about me.
875
00:39:39,295 --> 00:39:42,063
I read an article saying
that growing almonds
876
00:39:42,098 --> 00:39:45,700
was bad for the environment,
and yet I continued to use
877
00:39:45,735 --> 00:39:49,504
- almond milk in my coffee...
- No, dingus!
878
00:39:49,538 --> 00:39:51,573
You hurt everyone in your life
879
00:39:51,607 --> 00:39:55,056
with your rigidity
and your indecisiveness.
880
00:39:56,445 --> 00:39:59,526
Oh, fork!
881
00:39:59,615 --> 00:40:01,503
You're right.
882
00:40:01,617 --> 00:40:05,453
Every friend, every girlfriend
was driven nuts
883
00:40:05,488 --> 00:40:07,722
because I couldn't do anything.
884
00:40:07,757 --> 00:40:09,424
I missed my mom's back surgery
885
00:40:09,458 --> 00:40:12,961
because I had already promised
my landlord's nephew
886
00:40:12,995 --> 00:40:15,397
that I would help him
figure out his new phone.
887
00:40:15,431 --> 00:40:17,065
I made everyone miserable.
888
00:40:17,099 --> 00:40:18,733
Well, if it'll make you feel any better,
889
00:40:18,768 --> 00:40:22,304
you were the closest to actually
getting in, up there.
890
00:40:22,338 --> 00:40:25,273
You weren't that close.
You were just the closest.
891
00:40:25,308 --> 00:40:26,975
That makes me feel worse, somehow.
892
00:40:27,009 --> 00:40:29,244
Good. Thank you, Chidi.
893
00:40:29,278 --> 00:40:31,413
I really needed to hear that right now.
894
00:40:31,447 --> 00:40:33,748
I mean, all this hard work,
all the planning,
895
00:40:33,783 --> 00:40:35,717
all for nothing.
896
00:40:35,751 --> 00:40:37,452
This really sucks.
897
00:40:37,486 --> 00:40:39,487
No, it doesn't.
898
00:40:39,522 --> 00:40:41,156
This is wonderful.
899
00:40:41,190 --> 00:40:44,259
You saw us all on Earth...
900
00:40:44,293 --> 00:40:48,496
a selfish ass, an idiot DJ,
a tortured academic,
901
00:40:48,531 --> 00:40:53,468
a hot, rich fraud with legs for days...
902
00:40:53,502 --> 00:40:56,338
Side note, I might legit be into Tahani.
903
00:40:56,372 --> 00:40:58,440
But that's for another time.
904
00:40:58,474 --> 00:41:01,276
You thought we would torture each other,
905
00:41:01,310 --> 00:41:03,144
and we did for a little,
906
00:41:03,179 --> 00:41:05,180
but we also took care of each other.
907
00:41:05,214 --> 00:41:07,582
We improved each other,
908
00:41:07,616 --> 00:41:09,751
and the four of us became a team.
909
00:41:09,785 --> 00:41:13,788
So, the only thing
you succeeded in doing
910
00:41:13,823 --> 00:41:16,691
was bringing us all together.
911
00:41:16,726 --> 00:41:20,695
Oh, Eleanor. That's it!
912
00:41:20,730 --> 00:41:24,332
My big mistake was
bringing you all together,
913
00:41:24,367 --> 00:41:28,036
having you be soul mates
living next to each other.
914
00:41:28,070 --> 00:41:31,639
Next time, I'll spread you out
so it's more of a slow burn.
915
00:41:31,674 --> 00:41:33,108
- Uh, next time?
- Yeah.
916
00:41:33,142 --> 00:41:34,609
Yeah, I'm gonna erase your memories,
917
00:41:34,643 --> 00:41:37,379
you know, make a few changes
and start over again.
918
00:41:37,413 --> 00:41:40,382
Hopefully. Just gotta get
the boss man to sign off.
919
00:41:40,416 --> 00:41:42,384
Wish me luck.
920
00:41:45,721 --> 00:41:47,737
Guys, we need a plan. Quick.
921
00:41:47,822 --> 00:41:50,157
Tahani, anything?
922
00:41:50,191 --> 00:41:51,658
Chidi, I need ya. You're the smart one.
923
00:41:51,693 --> 00:41:53,494
I-I can't. I-I can't.
924
00:41:53,528 --> 00:41:55,682
- Jason?
- What? What's up?
925
00:41:55,713 --> 00:41:57,180
Ugh!
926
00:41:57,214 --> 00:41:59,282
What do you say? Take two, huh?
927
00:41:59,316 --> 00:42:00,683
I don't know.
928
00:42:00,718 --> 00:42:04,320
I mean, what is this?
All this work for four people,
929
00:42:04,354 --> 00:42:06,489
and me, I'm wearing a judge's robe?
930
00:42:06,523 --> 00:42:09,625
I feel like a real weenie.
931
00:42:09,660 --> 00:42:12,628
Look, for a first attempt
it was actually very promising.
932
00:42:12,663 --> 00:42:16,466
Let me... let me just tinker
a little, try again.
933
00:42:16,500 --> 00:42:18,301
Okay.
934
00:42:18,335 --> 00:42:20,636
But you're way out on a limb here, Mike.
935
00:42:20,661 --> 00:42:25,035
If this thing goes sideways
again, you are done.
936
00:42:25,052 --> 00:42:27,320
Guys, he is going to erase
our memories at any second
937
00:42:27,346 --> 00:42:30,114
and all of this will have been
for nothing.
938
00:42:30,149 --> 00:42:32,116
Ugh! You're useless!
939
00:42:34,153 --> 00:42:35,520
What do I write? What do I write?
940
00:42:35,554 --> 00:42:38,156
Ooh! Come on, brain.
941
00:42:41,994 --> 00:42:44,562
Janet?
942
00:42:44,597 --> 00:42:45,897
You can't eat anything, right?
943
00:42:45,931 --> 00:42:48,032
- Correct.
- Open up.
944
00:42:48,067 --> 00:42:50,568
All right, let's try again, shall we?
945
00:42:50,603 --> 00:42:53,404
You know what, bro? Do your worst.
946
00:42:53,439 --> 00:42:55,907
We figured it out once,
we can do it again,
947
00:42:55,941 --> 00:42:58,543
because you know what, Michael?
948
00:42:58,577 --> 00:42:59,644
Ya bas...
949
00:43:06,636 --> 00:43:08,831
_
950
00:43:12,424 --> 00:43:15,393
Eleanor, come on in.
951
00:43:17,229 --> 00:43:20,865
You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.
952
00:43:20,899 --> 00:43:22,200
Cool.
953
00:43:25,270 --> 00:43:26,938
You know the way you feel when you see
954
00:43:26,972 --> 00:43:30,003
a chimpanzee and a baby tiger
who've become friends?
955
00:43:31,153 --> 00:43:34,315
That's how you're
going to feel every day.
956
00:43:36,649 --> 00:43:39,417
Your medical relief mission
to Kazakhstan,
957
00:43:39,451 --> 00:43:40,952
that really put you over the top,
958
00:43:40,986 --> 00:43:42,520
you got a ton of points for that.
959
00:43:43,922 --> 00:43:47,058
Eleanor? I'm Chris Baker.
960
00:43:47,092 --> 00:43:48,059
I'm your soul mate.
961
00:43:48,093 --> 00:43:51,095
Cool. Bring it in, man.
962
00:43:52,464 --> 00:43:53,631
So where are you from, Chris?
963
00:43:53,666 --> 00:43:55,566
I'm from Teaneck, New Jersey,
964
00:43:55,601 --> 00:43:57,935
and I was a mailman.
965
00:43:57,970 --> 00:44:01,406
Really?
966
00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:05,342
Chris, you'll stand by me
no matter what, right?
967
00:44:05,367 --> 00:44:08,246
Hold that thought.
Is it okay if I go work out?
968
00:44:08,280 --> 00:44:11,249
I love working out. I gotta stay jacked,
969
00:44:11,283 --> 00:44:13,251
it's... who I am.
970
00:44:13,285 --> 00:44:14,218
Yeah, you gotta.
971
00:44:14,253 --> 00:44:17,255
Once I'm back,
we'll get to know each other.
972
00:44:17,289 --> 00:44:19,223
Great.
973
00:44:19,258 --> 00:44:20,725
See ya soon.
974
00:44:22,161 --> 00:44:23,294
Hi there.
975
00:44:23,328 --> 00:44:24,629
- Who are you?
- I'm Janet.
976
00:44:24,663 --> 00:44:26,297
I think this is yours.
977
00:44:26,331 --> 00:44:28,733
After I was rebooted,
I found it in my mouth.
978
00:44:28,767 --> 00:44:30,968
What?
979
00:44:34,719 --> 00:44:37,811
_
980
00:44:38,836 --> 00:44:41,406
What the fork is a "Chidi"?
981
00:44:41,431 --> 00:44:43,114
Why can't I say "fork"?
982
00:44:45,445 --> 00:44:48,093
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com