1
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:19,227
Well, that's just... that's uncomfortable.
2
00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:21,187
Oh, hey, guys. What's up?
3
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,605
"What's up?"
4
00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:25,984
Tell us what happened.
Did we win? Did we lose?
5
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:27,527
Is humanity saved forever?
6
00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:30,196
And did you find my Nintendo?
I can't find it any... Whoop!
7
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:32,198
Never mind. I'm holding it.
8
00:00:32,282 --> 00:00:34,617
Sorry. I can't reveal the results
of the experiment
9
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:35,910
until we get to the Judge's chambers.
10
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:36,995
Okay. Where is everyone?
11
00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:39,122
Where's Simone, and John and Brent,
12
00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:41,583
and actually I don't care about
any of those doofs. Where's Chidi?
13
00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:42,834
Oh, he's on the toilet.
14
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:45,420
Sorry, that's not enough information.
15
00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:47,589
The test subjects are frozen in stasis,
16
00:00:47,672 --> 00:00:51,843
so I put them in the bathroom
and I placed Chidi on the toilet.
17
00:00:51,926 --> 00:00:53,178
The best seat.
18
00:00:53,261 --> 00:00:54,179
Let's wake him up.
19
00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:57,348
You know, so I can, like,
be reunited with the man I love?
20
00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,142
Snappy, snappy, memory fixxy?
21
00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:02,228
The Judge says no one gets unfrozen
until she's ruled on the case.
22
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:06,649
Oh, uh, humans have to stay here.
You can't see the numbers.
23
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:10,445
Hang on. I worked my ash off
running this neighborhood for a full year,
24
00:01:10,528 --> 00:01:12,864
and I'm not even allowed
to hear how we did?
25
00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:14,157
Yes.
26
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,492
And here's a bottle of tequila.
27
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:17,911
Okay, let us know how it goes.
28
00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:28,671
Regardless of what the Judge rules,
this feels like some sort of goodbye.
29
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:31,883
Even if we succeeded, there's
no guarantee she'll keep us together.
30
00:01:31,966 --> 00:01:33,176
She might just snap her fingers
31
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:35,929
and send us flying
into different dimensions.
32
00:01:36,846 --> 00:01:38,723
How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?
33
00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:42,602
Oh, man, are we gonna die again?
We've died so many times.
34
00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:46,356
We've probably had, like,
15 funerals by now.
35
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:47,857
It's getting annoying.
36
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:51,694
If it would cheer you up, I could tell you
what happened at your original funerals.
37
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:54,614
Tahani, Moby spoke first.
He claimed that...
38
00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:57,367
Please stop. I don't want to hear it.
39
00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:58,451
What about mine?
40
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,787
Your friends didn't say things about you,
41
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:03,581
so much as they graffitied
a Red Lobster about you.
42
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:06,126
Yeah, in Jacksonville,
that's the first stage of grief.
43
00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:09,546
In Arizona, you can either have
a regular funeral,
44
00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:12,340
or they can put your body out
on a shooting range,
45
00:02:12,423 --> 00:02:14,759
and you get a $200 state tax credit.
46
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:18,638
Hang on. This is how we take our minds
off the Judge's ruling.
47
00:02:18,721 --> 00:02:22,767
Let's throw ourselves the funeral
to end all funerals.
48
00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:23,810
Awesome!
49
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:25,395
And you know what they say in Florida,
50
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:28,857
"If you don't like this funeral,
just wait a minute."
51
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:35,363
Ugh, the Judge's chambers?
I hate this place.
52
00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:39,284
What's the Wi-Fi password?
There is no service.
53
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:41,578
Shawn.
54
00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,998
- Michael.
- Bounces off me and sticks to you.
55
00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:46,958
Wait, no, I messed that up.
56
00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:51,796
First, say something mean to me,
really cruel, something that just guts me.
57
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,715
You're totally going to be glue.
58
00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:55,550
So, it's come to this.
59
00:02:56,384 --> 00:03:00,471
We have finally arrived at the end of your
pathetic attempt to prove that humans
60
00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:03,933
are more than just mobile turd factories.
61
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:09,022
And you are going to fail, again,
because that is what you do.
62
00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:11,024
You're a choker, Michael.
63
00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:13,192
And you're about to choke
for the last time.
64
00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:16,154
Except for the eternity
you're going to spend in the Bad Place,
65
00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:19,407
being choked by me,
who will be doing the choking.
66
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:22,118
Well, you're glue.
67
00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:25,038
Wow!
68
00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:26,289
- Beautiful!
- Look at this place!
69
00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:27,248
Amazing!
70
00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:28,166
The floor!
71
00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:30,168
Hello, Good Place Committee.
Thank you for coming.
72
00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:31,669
No, thank you, Michael.
73
00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:33,338
You did an incredible job,
74
00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:34,964
maybe the best job that anyone's ever done
75
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:35,924
- at any task.
- Mmm.
76
00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:37,800
But you don't know how we did.
77
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:41,721
We might not know how you did,
but we know you did great.
78
00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:44,265
And, Shawn, before we even
find out what happened,
79
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:46,559
we want you to know we're willing
to give up all of our leverage,
80
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:48,686
- compromise and meet you halfway.
- Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
81
00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,313
I met your mom halfway last night.
82
00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:51,856
So colorful!
83
00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:57,237
We are here to celebrate
the afterlife of Tahani Al-Jamil,
84
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,697
in the place she felt most comfortable,
85
00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:03,576
the cabin of
a Gulfstream G650 private jet.
86
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,745
Tahani was super nice,
87
00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:09,374
and she deserved for people
to be nicer to her than they were.
88
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:14,087
The only sad thing is that she never
got over her speech impediment.
89
00:04:14,837 --> 00:04:18,049
Tahani improved so much
over her many lives,
90
00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:20,468
but she also helped me improve.
91
00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:24,973
She taught me lots of stuff,
like "Bras shouldn't be painful,"
92
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:28,017
and, "You don't buy bras at Home Depot,"
93
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:31,145
and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot.
What the hell are you wearing?"
94
00:04:31,896 --> 00:04:35,692
For the record, it was a men's back
support harness, and it worked in a pinch.
95
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:40,655
She was the best friend I ever had...
and I loved her.
96
00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:44,450
Thank you so much. That was wonderful.
97
00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:46,452
I wish Chidi was here.
98
00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:49,414
It sucks that he's too dead
for these heaven funerals.
99
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,917
Can someone grab his arm?
My hands are kind of full with his butt.
100
00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:55,336
How'd he get so jacked?
101
00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:59,048
When he was 14, someone told him
that exercise alleviated anxiety.
102
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,801
He started doing push-ups
and basically never stopped.
103
00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:06,723
All right, everyone, let's get this done.
104
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:11,060
This is the single most important case
that has ever appeared in my court,
105
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:14,480
and the results will have ramifications
for eternity.
106
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:17,608
Before we begin,
I'm going to need you all to sign this.
107
00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:23,573
"A petition to bring back Ally McBeal"?
108
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:26,284
Well, yeah. I mean,
everything else is getting rebooted.
109
00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:28,661
Get a young hottie in there,
like a Zendaya type?
110
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,121
Is it Zenday-ah or Zend-iyah?
111
00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:32,582
Zenday-ah. Or, I don't...
112
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:35,626
I mean, who wouldn't watch that?
Am I right? Anyone?
113
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:36,878
Oh, fine.
114
00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:39,547
Take it away, Matt.
115
00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:42,925
Okay, the moment
we've all been waiting for.
116
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:46,471
The test results that dictate
the future of humanity.
117
00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:47,930
Here we go.
118
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,516
- In 30, 29...
- Ahem.
119
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:54,312
...two, one, voilà!
120
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,023
I thought this would be fun.
121
00:05:57,106 --> 00:05:59,025
Had a lot of time alone in there.
122
00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:01,194
Bam!
123
00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:05,281
Simone got 12% better
than she was on Earth.
124
00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:07,992
Bam! Chidi got 26% better.
125
00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:10,495
Bam! John got 44% better.
126
00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:15,416
Shoot.
127
00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:18,795
Shouldn't have committed so hard
to this "bam" thing.
128
00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:22,048
Funeral!
129
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:28,054
Jason, at the risk of getting an answer
that might thoroughly depress me,
130
00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:29,472
what made you choose this setting?
131
00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:32,809
There's a Jacksonville tradition of having
your funeral where you were born.
132
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:37,063
I got born in the deep end of a pool,
right after my mom did a cannonball.
133
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:38,815
Well, I knew the risks.
134
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,274
You never really talk about your mom.
135
00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,151
Yeah, she died when I was pretty young.
136
00:06:42,693 --> 00:06:44,654
I lost her to the Big C.
137
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:48,449
That's what we called the crocodile
that lived by my house.
138
00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:52,745
I'm just playing, it was cancer.
139
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,455
Watch me do a handstand.
140
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,128
Jason Mendoza
didn't have an easy life.
141
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:04,590
He once told me the closest he'd ever
gotten to having a piñata on his birthday
142
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:07,468
was when a seagull ate too many condoms
on the beach and exploded.
143
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:11,848
But despite it all, he was
the most optimistic person I'd ever met.
144
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:14,934
Jason was the very first person
to ask me about my feelings.
145
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:17,812
I hadn't had any yet,
but it made me wanna go get some.
146
00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:21,858
I could see something special inside him
that no one else could see.
147
00:07:22,358 --> 00:07:26,154
It was a multi-colored blob of positivity
right behind his sternum.
148
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:27,530
That's my Jason,
149
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:32,618
a big, colorful, rainbow blob, stuffed
inside a hot life-size action figure.
150
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:36,914
Plus, I gotta say, it was nice
to have a true dirtbag buddy,
151
00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:39,500
so I could talk about
what really mattered in life:
152
00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:42,962
wrestling, semi-legal drugs
and Jason Statham.
153
00:07:43,045 --> 00:07:44,505
Statham forever!
154
00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:45,506
Indeed.
155
00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:47,216
Statham forever.
156
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:48,634
Amen.
157
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:49,635
Amen.
158
00:07:50,386 --> 00:07:52,180
Let's focus on the big picture here.
159
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:56,767
Free of Earth's complications,
and its unintended consequences,
160
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,895
the other three improved a lot.
161
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:01,772
Chidi got 38% more confident.
162
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:05,860
Simone got 43%
more flexible in her judgments of people,
163
00:08:05,943 --> 00:08:08,613
and John didn't call
one single person the C-word.
164
00:08:08,696 --> 00:08:11,532
But he did yell the C-word at himself,
165
00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:15,244
as well as a pack of squirrels
and a chair he tripped over.
166
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,414
Why are we even still discussing this?
Brent got worse.
167
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,750
If humans can't be good
with their needs magically met,
168
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,460
maybe they're just not that good.
169
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:25,421
He's right.
The evidence needed to be overwhelming.
170
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:28,007
I can't just turn
the whole afterlife upside down
171
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,551
because three people
got a little bit better.
172
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:34,096
But don't forget, there's a lot of
evidence that Eleanor, Jason and Tahani
173
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:38,059
got better in the original experiment,
so that's six people.
174
00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:39,936
That's the number of friends in Friends.
175
00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:43,397
Are you gonna sit there and say
that every single Friend belongs in hell?
176
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:48,027
I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel...
and Monica and Joey...
177
00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:49,654
and definitely Chandler...
178
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,198
but Phoebe?
179
00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:54,408
Face it, Michael, you lost.
180
00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:58,079
Everything you've done, this experiment,
the original neighborhood,
181
00:08:58,162 --> 00:09:00,873
sending your little cockroach buddies
back to Earth, all of it was for nothing.
182
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,000
Bam! You're glue.
183
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,046
Actually, Shawn,
that's a very interesting point.
184
00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:08,214
Exactly. What?
185
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:11,717
Matt, call up the active files
of four people still alive on Earth.
186
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:15,513
Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop,
and her step-daughter, Patricia,
187
00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:17,932
and Steven Peleaz, aka Pillboi.
188
00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:19,183
They were not part of the experiment.
189
00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:21,143
If he gets to bring
random good people into it,
190
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,812
I should be able to bring in
random bad people.
191
00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:26,774
Call up Elizabeth Holmes.
No, Henry Kissinger. No...
192
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:28,526
PewDiePie.
193
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:31,571
Your Honor, the people I wanna look at
are not random.
194
00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:34,615
They're four humans the "cockroaches"
helped on Earth.
195
00:09:34,699 --> 00:09:36,993
No magic, just kindness.
196
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:41,247
And I bet their emotional support
made those four people better.
197
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:46,377
And if I'm wrong,
I'll be the first to say... "We're glue."
198
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:48,879
I don't think any of you
is using that right.
199
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:50,131
But, fine, let's see it.
200
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,009
Look! Right there.
201
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:57,013
After we intervened, Pillboi dedicated
himself to caring for the elderly.
202
00:09:57,096 --> 00:10:00,182
Kamilah started a scholarship
in Tahani's name
203
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,935
that sent 213 women to college.
204
00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:06,272
Donna started doing homework
with Patricia every night,
205
00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:11,027
and that little girl actually ended up
teaching Donna multiplication.
206
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,236
Yikes.
207
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:17,575
Look, the point is people improve
when they get external love and support.
208
00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:21,162
How can we hold it against them
when they don't?
209
00:10:21,245 --> 00:10:26,125
Need I remind you that Brent got worse
every second of every moment of every day.
210
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:28,502
Until right at the end.
211
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:31,339
With ten seconds left, he swung way up.
212
00:10:31,922 --> 00:10:35,217
This is it, Your Honor.
This is the whole story.
213
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,597
No one is beyond rehabilitation.
214
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:43,434
Brent spent a year being
an absolute diaper load of a human being
215
00:10:43,517 --> 00:10:45,061
and the points total tells you that.
216
00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:51,400
But what that number can't tell you...
is who he could've become tomorrow.
217
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:56,447
I'll have my ruling shortly.
218
00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,784
Okay, Janet, where do you wanna go
for your funeral?
219
00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:01,077
Dave & Buster's, probably?
220
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,787
You probably want to go
to Dave & Buster's.
221
00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:05,748
I think I heard her say "Dave & Buster's,"
so let's just go there.
222
00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:06,999
We can sort it out later.
223
00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:12,505
It's nice that you want to honor me,
but you've already given me so much.
224
00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:15,966
Tahani taught me
that you can make a family,
225
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:17,510
even if you never really had one.
226
00:11:18,719 --> 00:11:21,430
Jason taught me that I have value
beyond what I do for other people.
227
00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:25,935
And, Eleanor, there was a moment on Earth
when all hope was lost,
228
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:27,937
and I watched you have hope anyway.
229
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:32,233
Just thinking about that makes me
want to barf up a beautiful quasar.
230
00:11:32,316 --> 00:11:34,110
Well said, Janet.
231
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:36,529
That means it's your turn, Eleanor.
232
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:39,907
All right. Mine's easy.
We don't even have to move.
233
00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:44,370
I stand here before you, in sweatpants,
for the first time ever,
234
00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:49,500
to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop in a place
where she spent much of her life,
235
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:52,253
a bar in a house she was not invited to.
236
00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:54,463
Eleanor was full of surprises.
237
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,550
I never knew if she was going to
ruthlessly make fun of me,
238
00:11:57,633 --> 00:12:02,930
or totally objectify me in a way that was
flattering and also vaguely problematic.
239
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:03,848
Well...
240
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:07,101
But whether she was lifting me up
or calling me out...
241
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:13,774
I never felt quite so seen
as when she saw me.
242
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,904
Eleanor, I know you don't like it
when people get all emotional about you,
243
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:21,198
so I channeled all of my love for you
into this song.
244
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:32,543
That's when the foam cannons go...
245
00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:36,630
Explode outward.
And then back to the song.
246
00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:41,343
- Okay, okay, we're good. Thank you.
- Yeah.
247
00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:43,387
Okay. Who's left?
248
00:12:45,681 --> 00:12:49,810
We are here to celebrate the afterlife
of Chidi Anagonye.
249
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,188
Eleanor, would you like to say
a few words?
250
00:12:56,609 --> 00:13:02,781
Chidi was a... rootin'-tootin',
rackin'-frackin' varmint.
251
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:07,119
Sorry, I don't know why I just went
full Yosemite Sam there. Um...
252
00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:11,499
Yeah, I don't think I can, uh, do this.
253
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:15,628
I... I can't sum up all my feelings
about Chidi, so I'm gonna pass.
254
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:21,717
The Judge is about to make her ruling.
She wants us to be there to hear it.
255
00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:24,345
Oh, we should probably change outfits.
256
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,680
Tahani's sweatpants say
"Skank Army" on the butt.
257
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:28,140
They do?
258
00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:33,687
Michael... you came to me
and said the points system was flawed.
259
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:37,650
A system that has been in place
since the dawn of time
260
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:41,654
and has judged every soul
that has ever walked the Earth.
261
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:44,031
And I have come to the conclusion...
262
00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:47,826
that you're right.
263
00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:50,579
- I'm...
- You're right.
264
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,666
Humans are not fixed
at one level of morality.
265
00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:56,794
They can always get better,
which means the points system
266
00:13:56,877 --> 00:14:00,422
does not accurately judge
how good or bad they are.
267
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:03,676
You won.
268
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:05,553
Mmm-hmm.
269
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:10,933
Well, that wasn't so hard now, was it?
270
00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:13,394
We did it!
271
00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:20,234
The universe owes you a debt of gratitude
for bringing this to my attention.
272
00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:23,195
Now, in terms of how we handle this,
moving forward,
273
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,364
obviously, Earth is cancelled.
274
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:28,367
Uh, Earth is what now?
275
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:31,912
All humans on Earth and in the afterlife
will be extinguished,
276
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:35,499
and we will start
the entire human race over from scratch.
277
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,251
And you know what's so funny?
278
00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:42,673
In a very roundabout way,
I am actually rebooting Ally McBeal.
279
00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:44,925
Because I'm rebooting everything.
280
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:48,929
Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won!
281
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:53,726
Whoa, whoa.
282
00:14:53,809 --> 00:14:57,688
Your Honor, let's just slow down here
and say everything again maybe,
283
00:14:57,771 --> 00:15:01,317
because I think some of us
were thinking about skateboards
284
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,319
and don't know what's going on.
285
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:07,114
Canceling Earth,
doesn't that seem a bit drastic?
286
00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:10,075
It's just too much of a mess down there,
you know?
287
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:14,371
I mean, the simplest solution
is to erase everyone that ever lived
288
00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:18,876
and restart
with a bunch of amoebas or whatever.
289
00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:22,463
Then human life will evolve again,
or maybe even something better.
290
00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:24,840
Maybe this time
they won't have baby teeth.
291
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:28,010
You know, that whole thing is so weird.
Like, they fall out,
292
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:32,222
and then the bigger teeth
just grow out of that same hole? Gross.
293
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:35,684
Anyway, the important thing is, Earth...
294
00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:39,355
How are you guys surprised?
295
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,357
I mean, what did you think
was gonna happen if you won?
296
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,360
I don't know,
I thought we could just give three points
297
00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:46,195
for eating an apple instead of two.
298
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:49,239
Yes, why can't we
just tweak the points a little?
299
00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:50,658
Just a little boost.
300
00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,743
- Like Spanx, but for your soul.
- Yes.
301
00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:57,998
Guys, the problem isn't the points,
it's that Earth has become too complicated
302
00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:01,418
for the points to reflect the value
of human behavior.
303
00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:04,046
Remember? The whole thing you discovered?
304
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:08,008
And now I have no choice but to fix it.
305
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:11,553
Where did I put
that human-wiper-outer thingy?
306
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,764
- Um...
- Lip gloss, lip gloss,
307
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:17,059
thing that ends all the wars,
Justified Season 2.
308
00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:18,686
Wow. You won.
309
00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:22,564
And you still somehow failed. Classic.
310
00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:27,695
Wake Chidi up. Now.
We need all the help we can get.
311
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:32,491
You really want me to wake him up
just to tell him that
312
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,201
he and everyone else in the universe
is going to cease to exist?
313
00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:35,953
Not when you say it like that.
314
00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:37,538
Well, what...
315
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:40,791
- The Good Place nerds, our only hope.
- I don't...
316
00:16:40,874 --> 00:16:43,252
Yo, yo, yo, angel-types,
if you are ever going to do something,
317
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:44,420
you gotta do it now.
318
00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:47,381
Oh, you bet we're gonna do something.
This has gone too far.
319
00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:50,634
I'm composing
some very sternly-worded letters.
320
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:54,471
Are we sure "stern" is the right tone?
We don't want to seem strident.
321
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:55,723
- Yeah.
- It upsets the norms.
322
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:57,016
You're absolutely right.
323
00:16:57,099 --> 00:17:00,060
I apologize and resign,
effective immediately.
324
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:02,646
So bold. I am so proud of you.
325
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,398
Here it is! Great.
326
00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:09,028
Michael, Shawn, Janet,
see you in maybe a billion years?
327
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:12,573
It has been one crazy ride, you guys.
328
00:17:24,626 --> 00:17:27,463
Oh, I'm gonna miss you guys.
329
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:30,007
Okay. Bye, y'all.
330
00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:35,554
Janet, what the hell? Give it back.
331
00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:38,640
No. It's in my void and you can't have it.
332
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,560
I don't say "no" a lot.
Did I pronounce that right?
333
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:42,978
Janet, you give me back my thingy,
334
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,897
or I will go into your void
and get it myself.
335
00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:46,106
I'd like to see you try.
336
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:49,777
Oh. Okay, she's trying right now.
She's in my void.
337
00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:52,654
It feels... it feels weird.
Yeah... Yikes, whoa.
338
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,031
Okay.
339
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,325
Real cute, honey. Where is it?
340
00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:59,661
- What do you mean? It's not in my void?
- No.
341
00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:01,622
It's in mine.
342
00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:05,209
Ugh, I feel like such a wiener hole
saying this,
343
00:18:05,292 --> 00:18:09,797
but Michael wrote a manifesto,
and I read it on the toilet.
344
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,883
I don't have to poop. I choose to.
345
00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:15,761
Anyway, I'm with them now.
346
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:19,890
- Are you kidding me?
- Oh, get over yourself, you dork.
347
00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:22,309
The whole system is royally effed.
348
00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:25,646
Humans suck, but this isn't their fault.
349
00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:28,273
You read what I wrote?
And it got through to you?
350
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:32,528
Yeah, but I also used the pages to wipe
my butt, so don't pop a stiffy just yet.
351
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:34,029
M'kay?
352
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:37,783
- I am so proud of you.
- I don't care.
353
00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:39,952
I think you do a little bit.
354
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,121
Sister hug!
355
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:43,747
- Yeah, okay. Get off me. Ew, ew, ew, ew.
- Hey!
356
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:47,709
Listen up. I made an official ruling
and I am not going to see it undone
357
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:50,337
by two Janets playing keep-away.
358
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:54,466
Oh, I should've explained.
It's not two of us.
359
00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:56,301
It's all of us.
360
00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:58,345
- Hi.
- What up, nerds?
361
00:18:58,428 --> 00:18:59,429
Eat my farts, losers.
362
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,640
I am entering for a reason
and no other reason.
363
00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:03,475
- What up, fart-knockers?
- Hi!
364
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:06,228
- Hello.
- What it is, what it is!
365
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:07,646
What up, dorks.
366
00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:13,735
Sent the manifesto around
to all the other Janets.
367
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,654
We have a group text now.
368
00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:17,614
I mostly send GIFs of otters!
369
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:24,037
This is so annoying!
370
00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:27,457
Okay, Janets, you want to do this
the hard way?
371
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:32,254
I am gonna search your voids one by one,
372
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:36,800
and then marbleize you one by one,
373
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:41,722
until I get
my stupid Earth rebooter thingy back.
374
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:45,601
We're not gonna be able
to hold her off forever. We need a plan.
375
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:49,980
Okay. So, what's the plan?
Plan, plan, plan.
376
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,399
Step one, get a plan.
377
00:19:52,482 --> 00:19:54,860
Step two, do the plan.
378
00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:57,779
- Yeah, this is working.
- Michael. Focus.
379
00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:58,822
Right. Sorry.
380
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:02,201
Uh, all right,
so if we can't change the points,
381
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:05,579
then maybe we can change
what we do with the points.
382
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:11,001
Yeah, we just need a brand-new system
for judging humans in the afterlife.
383
00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:13,295
- We can do this, right?
- Yeah.
384
00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:15,923
But in order to crack it,
I think you know what needs to happen.
385
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:18,675
There is literally only one person here
386
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:23,263
who is smart enough and thoughtful enough
to save humanity.
387
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:26,892
Fine. I'll do it.
388
00:20:26,975 --> 00:20:28,810
Not you, dummy.
389
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:32,648
Designing a better afterlife
is the ultimate ethical question.
390
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:36,693
Chidi spent his entire existence
pondering the biggest questions.
391
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:40,822
He is brilliant and empathetic.
392
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,867
All he cares about
is how best to treat other people
393
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:47,162
and he is willing to sacrifice
his own happiness to do it.
394
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:50,707
If we're gonna pull this off,
we need Chidi back.
395
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,793
And he needs his memories.
396
00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:56,838
You want to take
the most indecisive man ever born,
397
00:20:56,922 --> 00:21:02,052
stuff him full
of over 800 different versions of himself,
398
00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:05,931
and then tell him he has, like,
what, 45 minutes to save humanity?
399
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:08,850
You think that will go well?
400
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:12,396
I don't know how it's gonna go,
but he is our only chance.
401
00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,815
And it is now or literally never.
402
00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:17,484
Wake him up.
403
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:22,197
Not in this Janet. Next!