1
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,312
Oh, hi, dip-shirt.
2
00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:23,565
Hello, Bad Janet. How are you today?
3
00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:24,482
Terrible.
4
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:29,112
I'm here to let you know
that after six months of captivity,
5
00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:33,199
here in Good Janet's void,
today's your last day.
6
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:34,826
I'm gonna tell you a story.
7
00:00:34,909 --> 00:00:37,620
And once that's done,
I'm getting rid of you.
8
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:39,205
Wow.
9
00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:42,292
Sounds like someone finally put on
his big-boy demon pants.
10
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,044
So, what's the story?
11
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,128
Another one of your attempts to prove
12
00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:48,757
that humans are "good"
and "worthy of respect"
13
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:52,302
and not "big fat sacks of dookie"?
14
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:53,511
Something like that.
15
00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:55,180
Are you ready?
16
00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,390
One thing, real quick, before you start...
17
00:01:12,989 --> 00:01:13,823
Wow.
18
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:15,742
She's gonna last.
19
00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:17,869
Is that your story? Looks boring.
20
00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:20,663
This book is a part of the story.
You'll see.
21
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:24,167
- Ugh.
- It all started about a week ago.
22
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,795
We'd sent the four humans on a ski trip...
23
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:29,923
And they all skied off a cliff
and they broke all their bones
24
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:33,676
and their pants fell down
and you could see their butts. The end.
25
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:37,013
Actually, it went better
than we could've possibly hoped.
26
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,059
Well, I admit it. I was wrong.
27
00:01:41,142 --> 00:01:43,061
That was super fun!
28
00:01:43,144 --> 00:01:44,854
Yeah! I mean,
I couldn't actually go skiing,
29
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,732
because moving at an angle terrifies me,
30
00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:50,276
but that lodge had so many reading nooks.
31
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,570
Just everywhere
you look... nook.
32
00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:55,698
Plus Jianyu guided us
on that amazing meditation.
33
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,909
Oh, do you guys want to share
what your mantra is?
34
00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:01,246
Mine is Cate Blanchett saying, "Rihanna."
35
00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:03,373
Congrats again, on the gin rummy win.
36
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:04,916
I thought I was gonna take you down,
37
00:02:04,999 --> 00:02:06,668
'cause I used to play all the time
back in college.
38
00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:07,919
Ah, you went to Rutgers, right?
39
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:09,170
No, I went to Princeton.
40
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:11,047
Yeah, I know. I'm messing with you.
41
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,257
Oh.
42
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,425
Nice one.
Hey, you were joking, though, right?
43
00:02:14,509 --> 00:02:16,511
You know it's Prince... Yeah, you know.
44
00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:19,514
Okay, team. Well done.
45
00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:23,351
They're all kinda killing it, but Brent
has definitely made the most progress.
46
00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:27,730
Yeah, when Simone beat him at cards,
he didn't flip the table and storm off.
47
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,524
He just stormed off. That's big.
48
00:02:29,607 --> 00:02:31,901
Well, we still don't know
if he's really changed,
49
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,695
or if he's just trying
to get into "super heaven."
50
00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:35,822
But his behavior's changing.
51
00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,365
Remember, that's the roadmap.
52
00:02:37,448 --> 00:02:40,910
First, we change the behavior,
then we work on motivation.
53
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,996
- And now...
- Oh-ho-ho.
54
00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,582
...the moment you've all been waiting for.
55
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:51,296
The humanity savior of the week goes to...
56
00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:52,422
- Jason!
- Aww.
57
00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:53,339
Yes!
58
00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:55,466
Keep up the amazing work with Chidi.
59
00:02:56,301 --> 00:03:02,015
And the award for
hottest savior of the week goes to...
60
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,684
- Eleanor Shellstrop!
- Whoop-whoop!
61
00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:06,060
Thank you, I accept.
62
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:07,437
I never win "hottest."
63
00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:09,022
I don't know what to tell you, man.
64
00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:11,733
Maybe do some squats.
Pop that booty a little bit.
65
00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:13,985
It was a real high point.
66
00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:17,697
The ski trip, I mean,
not the completely rigged hotness contest.
67
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:19,240
All in all, it was the best
68
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:20,992
- we'd ever felt about the experiment.
- Ugh.
69
00:03:21,075 --> 00:03:23,369
And then Brent did something...
70
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:25,413
very Brentian.
71
00:03:25,496 --> 00:03:27,707
Who could've
predicted that?
72
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:30,251
Oh! Hey, ski bunnies.
73
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:31,753
So, great news.
74
00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:35,673
I wrote a book,
and since you're my nerdiest friends,
75
00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,258
you get to be the first to read it.
76
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:40,970
"Six Feet Under Par:
A Chip Driver Mystery."
77
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,598
Yeah. It's half-spy novel,
half-murder mystery.
78
00:03:43,681 --> 00:03:46,601
It's also half-submarine adventure,
half-erotic memoir,
79
00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:47,977
and half-political thriller.
80
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:51,814
It's also half-golf tutorial,
and half-commentary on society.
81
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,358
So, it's three-and-a-half books in one?
82
00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:55,068
At least. So, read it ASAP.
83
00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:57,528
I'm having a book-signing party
and I want you to introduce me.
84
00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,239
- You know, talk about how great it is.
- Oh!
85
00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:01,282
Party's in two days, so chop-chop.
86
00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:03,952
Tahani. Cancel your plans.
87
00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:07,664
We're gonna split a bottle of wine
and read Brent's terrible novel out loud.
88
00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:08,915
Oh, dear.
89
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:10,750
Perhaps we shouldn't make fun.
90
00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:13,253
He did seem nicer on the ski trip.
91
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:14,921
He made us all s'mores.
92
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:18,049
Though to be fair, he did also claim
to have invented them.
93
00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:22,303
Before you defend him, you might wanna
check out Chip Driver's love interest.
94
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:25,348
Oh, no.
95
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:28,268
"Her name was Scarlett Pakistan,
96
00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:33,439
and she was the type of girl you couldn't
take in all at once, or you'd die.
97
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:36,651
You had to take her in bit by bit,
like a great work of art,
98
00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:37,694
like the Louvre."
99
00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:40,738
"Her brown eyes were as brown
as the brownest crayon.
100
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:44,325
She had legs like Jessica Rabbit
from that movie."
101
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:49,122
"Her long, flowing locks smelled like
the moon at twilight on a par four."
102
00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:50,248
Ugh.
103
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:51,249
I'm sorry about this.
104
00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:52,875
I've been through worse.
105
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,836
Once, at Elon Musk's birthday party,
106
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:58,881
I was seated between Silvio Berlusconi
and Elon Musk.
107
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,216
This is bad.
108
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,136
Brent and Simone
is our trickiest relationship.
109
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:06,180
She tends to make
snap judgments about people,
110
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:10,810
and he's a guy who repeatedly confirms
the accuracy of her snap judgments.
111
00:05:10,893 --> 00:05:15,815
We need her to believe that
Brent is better than his worst actions.
112
00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:19,444
Like saying that Tahani
"has an accent like the Queen of England,
113
00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:22,447
but without any of
the old, gross face parts."
114
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,616
We felt like we could contain
the fallout from Brent's book.
115
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:28,244
But as is often the case
with these things,
116
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,288
the negative effects
started to ripple out.
117
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:32,332
Oh. Like when someone throws up on a bus,
118
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:33,916
and then someone smells it
and they throw up?
119
00:05:34,709 --> 00:05:35,752
Sure, yeah.
120
00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:36,836
What's wrong, homie?
121
00:05:36,919 --> 00:05:40,423
Oh, Brent wrote this book
and clearly, he put some of us in it.
122
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:44,594
There's a cowardly character named
Four-Eyed Igby
123
00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:47,055
who "wears glasses and sweater-vests
124
00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:49,599
and never does anything
spontaneous or cool."
125
00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:52,393
I am educating you in ethics.
What could be cooler than that?
126
00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:55,271
If you want to try something spontaneous,
I'm your guy.
127
00:05:55,354 --> 00:05:57,648
Almost everything I did on Earth
I did without thinking,
128
00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,776
or worrying about what would happen.
129
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:03,196
That's how I got my nickname,
The Defendant.
130
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:05,531
Not the best argument, but you're right.
131
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:08,576
What is something spontaneous
that I can do right now?
132
00:06:08,659 --> 00:06:10,745
Let's come up with a list
of ten possibilities,
133
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:12,830
and then slowly whittle it down
over the next four days.
134
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:14,874
Better idea, let's dance, baby.
135
00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:15,917
Hmm?
136
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:19,629
Get you out of your head.
137
00:06:19,712 --> 00:06:22,757
This is how we defeat Igby,
the no-fun nerd.
138
00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:24,550
Yeah.
139
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,220
- Look at ol' Igby move.
- There you go.
140
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,306
I've never heard this before. Who is it?
141
00:06:30,389 --> 00:06:33,768
Me. I wrote it. This song is called,
"I'll Love You Forever,
142
00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:39,649
Oh. Fun fact, the police sirens
in the background are real.
143
00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:41,609
I was being chased as I recorded it.
144
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:46,364
Okay. Okay. Oh, no...
145
00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:49,408
Oh, my Gaga.
146
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:52,078
So, obviously,
this was a troubling development.
147
00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:54,288
Ugh! Can you just skip to the end?
148
00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:56,833
No. I need to tell you the whole story.
149
00:06:56,916 --> 00:07:00,628
Why? Every story about humans
ends the same way.
150
00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:03,089
Just tell me how they screwed up
and put me out of my misery.
151
00:07:03,172 --> 00:07:04,966
You're judging them too quickly.
152
00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:08,302
Trust me, I've spent
a lot more time with people than you have.
153
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:12,056
And I know literally everything
that every one of them has ever done.
154
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,350
Do you know
what's happening right now on Earth?
155
00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:20,148
Wars, murders, women in $400 yoga pants
are refusing to vaccinate their children.
156
00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:24,902
Vindictive nerds at Apple are changing
the charger cable shape again.
157
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,946
Where does this hope come from, man?
158
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:29,657
This insane hope
that people are worth the trouble.
159
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:31,701
To quote a terrible song
160
00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:34,954
by a terrible musician
that people love so much
161
00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:37,373
they constantly put it
in terrible movie trailers,
162
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,750
humans are "b-b-b-bad to the bone."
163
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:44,839
Well, I think that they're
g-g-g-good sometimes,
164
00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:48,551
and you should give them
the b-b-b-benefit of the d-d-d-doubt.
165
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:49,469
Now...
166
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,053
Where was I?
167
00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:52,930
Ugh!
168
00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:58,019
So. John had just accidentally
discovered the truth about Jason.
169
00:07:58,102 --> 00:08:00,062
Keeping a secret like this is exactly
170
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,523
the kind of thing
that John struggled with on Earth.
171
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:07,236
Or to put it in terms you'll understand,
the gossip toilet was about to overflow.
172
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:08,696
Oh.
173
00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:10,573
I do understand that now. Thank you.
174
00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:15,745
So, Jianyu is really Jason from Florida?
175
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:17,038
Who else knows about this?
176
00:08:17,121 --> 00:08:20,082
Is it just me?
Is it an exclusive?
177
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,126
Yes, and we
have to keep it that way.
178
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,712
If the truth comes out,
we have no idea what will happen to Jason.
179
00:08:24,795 --> 00:08:26,964
You don't know what you're asking of me.
180
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,342
Look, the neighborhood
is obviously amazing,
181
00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:32,845
but it's also a little
"Season 4 of Downton Abbey."
182
00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:35,139
Beautifully designed,
but a real snoozefest.
183
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:37,058
Jason being a mistake
184
00:08:37,141 --> 00:08:40,228
is easily the most exciting thing
that's happened since we got here.
185
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:44,815
What if, in exchange for your discretion,
Jason teaches you
186
00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:47,276
that Magic Mike body roll thing?
187
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:50,071
Huh?
188
00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:52,156
I mean, you always said
you've wanted to learn that.
189
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,784
Fine.
190
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:57,119
But I wanna learn the whole dance.
191
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:59,664
We'd hoped Simone
would forget all about Brent's book,
192
00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:00,790
but unfortunately...
193
00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:05,086
"Chip Driver pulled up to the murder site
in his 1968 Cadillac.
194
00:09:05,169 --> 00:09:08,047
'Keep it close, ' he growled
to the valet, Luis.
195
00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:09,924
'Of course, señor, ' said Luis,
196
00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:13,886
who secretly admired Chip
more than even his own father."
197
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:18,015
"Chip gazed at the sexy outline
of the murder victim on the floor.
198
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,767
'What a waste of curves, ' he growled.
199
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:23,020
He checked his Rolex watch,
which was real.
200
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:26,732
It was almost golf o'clock,
so the case would have to wait.
201
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:29,569
Good thing he'd already solved it.
202
00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:33,030
The killer was Luis, the valet."
203
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:36,033
He solves the murder on page ten.
What is the rest of this book about?
204
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,868
How's it going, ladies?
205
00:09:38,452 --> 00:09:41,289
Oh, you know, just delving
into the great works of literature.
206
00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:44,083
Yeah, so, listen. Um...
207
00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:49,505
Maybe Brent made some insensitive choices,
208
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,632
but could you possibly
see your way to forgiving him?
209
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:53,551
- I suppose.
- No.
210
00:09:54,218 --> 00:09:55,094
No?
211
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,054
Sorry, but no, I can't.
212
00:09:57,138 --> 00:10:00,558
This book is objectifying,
misogynistic and racist.
213
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:02,852
Why are we still dealing
with this shirt in the Good Place?
214
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:05,146
When people like him are ignorant jerks,
215
00:10:05,229 --> 00:10:07,607
why are people like us
asked to forgive him?
216
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,859
Also, and this is less important,
217
00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:12,528
why is he in a fighter jet
for his author photo?
218
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:15,740
Well, I can answer the last one.
It's because he loves Top Gun.
219
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:18,451
- Oh.
- As for the other questions,
220
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:21,621
I will get back to you, after I consult
221
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:24,999
a number of immortal beings,
who are very wise.
222
00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:31,213
Didn't take you for a linksman.
223
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,049
I appreciate golf.
224
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,675
As Ben Hogan once said,
225
00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:37,470
"The most important shot in golf
is the next one."
226
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:39,555
That's a lovely idea.
227
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:44,018
If you make a mistake, you always have
a chance to redeem yourself.
228
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:46,896
Yeah, well, as John Daly once said
to David Lee Roth
229
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:50,149
at the 2002 Chili's Pro-Am in Orlando,
230
00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:52,443
"Suck on this drive, buttmunch!"
231
00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:58,658
Whoo!
232
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:01,285
Nailed it.
That was a flusher but she sank.
233
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:04,455
Perhaps an adept linksman
like yourself should play
234
00:11:04,538 --> 00:11:06,874
with the assistance filter turned off?
235
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:10,503
- Let's play old-school.
- All right. Why not?
236
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:16,050
Fork! You sneezed, man.
237
00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:18,761
I don't think I sneezed,
because I literally can't.
238
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:20,679
Well, somebody sneezed. Damn it.
239
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:23,057
Brent, buddy, nobody sneezed.
240
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:26,727
You hit a bad shot, and it's fine.
241
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,939
You know, it isn't a sign of weakness
to admit that you screwed up.
242
00:11:30,689 --> 00:11:32,191
Fine, whatever, I shanked it.
243
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:37,613
There ya go. Now let's go find your ball,
and try to do better on your next shot.
244
00:11:37,696 --> 00:11:39,657
And you know, if this ends up
245
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:44,870
applying to any other aspect
of your life later on, then cool.
246
00:11:45,704 --> 00:11:47,832
- What?
- What? Nothing. Nothing.
247
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:49,458
I gotta say, Bad Janet,
248
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,586
I really felt like
I had managed to stop the bleeding.
249
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,922
You thought that dingdong would do
a total personality 180
250
00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:56,882
because of one gentle metaphor?
251
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:58,926
What can I say? I'm an optimist.
252
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:03,389
But two days later, at the event,
it fell apart almost immediately.
253
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:05,975
Hey, uh, thanks for not telling anyone
about Jason.
254
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:09,728
Oh, well, ever since I arrived here,
Tahani helped me realize
255
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:12,982
that gossip was an unhealthy way for me
to boost my self-esteem.
256
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:16,485
But on the other hand,
this Jason tea needs to be spilled.
257
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,237
Just try to remember
what Immanuel Kant said,
258
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,865
"It is your duty
to keep your friend's secrets."
259
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:23,617
But my favorite philosopher,
Bethenny Frankel, would say
260
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:28,038
that I have a duty to "mention it all!"
And "if you can't handle the truth,
261
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:29,915
then you can't handle me."
262
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,333
Once again, I beg you, please listen
263
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:34,587
to Immanuel Kant and not Bethenny Frankel.
264
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:37,047
Gah! Well, I gotta goss about something.
265
00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,132
What about a few blind items
266
00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:39,758
that I picked up around the neighborhood?
267
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:41,719
You wanna know who wears
the same dumb shorts every day?
268
00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:43,929
- No, I don't.
- It's "Dumb Shorts Cathy."
269
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:45,514
Simone?
270
00:12:46,390 --> 00:12:50,603
Uh, I have been thinking about those
very good questions that you asked me.
271
00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:51,812
I'm sorry for the delay.
272
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:57,485
The ancient scrolls I had to consult
were very hard to... roll back up.
273
00:12:57,568 --> 00:13:00,946
Um, anyway, I thought about
what you should say to Brent
274
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:02,823
when he asks
for your opinion of his novel.
275
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:06,160
Me, too. I have a great idea.
I'm gonna tell him it sucks very hard.
276
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:10,331
Well, listen. You're absolutely right
that Brent needs to evolve, but
277
00:13:10,414 --> 00:13:15,127
there may be a more subtle way
to make that happen.
278
00:13:15,711 --> 00:13:17,046
Hey, there they are.
279
00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:19,256
- Charlie's Angels.
- Oof.
280
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,175
So, did you finish the book?
What'd you think?
281
00:13:21,258 --> 00:13:25,054
Well, very interesting word choices.
282
00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:29,558
I've definitely never seen the word
"pants-tent" used so many times.
283
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,310
Yeah. I kinda just felt like,
in that moment,
284
00:13:31,393 --> 00:13:33,479
that that's what the surgeon general
would say.
285
00:13:33,562 --> 00:13:35,564
What else? Let's hear some more complos.
286
00:13:36,565 --> 00:13:38,567
Compliments. For when you introduce me.
287
00:13:39,276 --> 00:13:41,820
Just writing a book
is an amazing accomplishment.
288
00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:44,114
You bet your butt it is.
The story's incredible, too.
289
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:47,910
I mean, Chip solves the mystery
on page ten. Greatest detective ever.
290
00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:49,453
So, hop on up there,
291
00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:51,872
and just speak from the heart
about how it's your favorite book ever.
292
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:56,710
Actually, I have to say, um,
293
00:13:56,794 --> 00:14:00,339
the Scarlett Pakistan character
is clearly based on Tahani,
294
00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:02,132
and it's not exactly flattering.
295
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,009
Not flattering?
296
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,053
I said she's got huge ones.
297
00:14:06,136 --> 00:14:08,556
- Ultimate complo.
- Yeah, see, there...
298
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:11,183
Brent, remember our conversation
about making mistakes
299
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,144
and how the most important shot
is the next one?
300
00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:16,772
Hang on a second. You guys agree with her?
301
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:18,399
Unreal.
302
00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:19,525
I didn't ask to get yelled at
303
00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:21,610
by the PC police. You know...
304
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:22,861
...I was gonna give you
10% off the cover price.
305
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:25,573
But now you're gonna have to pay
the full 65 bucks like everybody else.
306
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,157
There's no money here.
307
00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:29,118
Book event is canceled.
308
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,953
Because of these mean women.
309
00:14:32,079 --> 00:14:32,955
Oh, man.
310
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,877
Perhaps I can convince Simone
to handle this the British way:
311
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:42,006
smile bravely, bury your feelings
and allow a steady drizzle
312
00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:44,508
to slowly wash away your sadness
over 50 years.
313
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:49,013
F that. Simone is not the problem.
Brent is.
314
00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:51,098
He needs to change,
315
00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:53,851
and walking on eggshells around him
ain't gonna do the trick.
316
00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:56,729
We need to throw the egg
right at his face.
317
00:14:56,812 --> 00:15:01,400
You're right. Enough is enough.
He lived on Earth for almost 60 years.
318
00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:04,278
This experiment is more than halfway over.
319
00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:06,363
He's got to improve,
and we can't wait forever.
320
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:08,407
Janet, where is he now?
321
00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:09,950
Take a wild guess.
322
00:15:11,952 --> 00:15:13,579
Hey, bud. Whatcha up to?
323
00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:16,123
- Grippin' and rippin'?
- Trying to.
324
00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:18,000
Just seems like the big dog
don't wanna hunt today.
325
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:20,878
You know, Simone was very mean to me.
326
00:15:21,503 --> 00:15:23,172
Maybe even a little racist.
327
00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,799
Well, listen. Art is subjective.
328
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:29,553
More importantly...
329
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:32,097
No other way to put this, buddy.
You made a mistake.
330
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:33,974
Your actions hurt people,
331
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:36,393
and you have to take responsibility
for that.
332
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:40,272
You need to come back and apologize.
333
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:43,651
Take the first step
toward healing the neighborhood.
334
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:46,695
Fine. I'll be the bigger man.
335
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,072
Just like my dad,
336
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:50,491
when he single-handedly took on
all those class-action lawsuits.
337
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:53,285
I just wish I could
338
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:54,203
get through to the guy.
339
00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:56,914
I wonder if he'd respond
to some social contract theory.
340
00:15:56,997 --> 00:15:58,374
Why are you trying to help him?
341
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,042
He doesn't even know you exist.
342
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,710
He doesn't see other people.
343
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:05,965
I mean, he did call me "a four-eyed coward
who probably dry-humps books."
344
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:07,383
But why not be a bigger person
345
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:08,300
and rise above it?
346
00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:09,927
I'll tell you why. Because doing that
347
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:12,304
sends a message
that it's okay to be treated this way,
348
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:13,222
and it's not okay
349
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:14,682
to treat anyone that way.
350
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:17,685
Not Tahani. Not me. Not even you, Igby.
351
00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:20,479
Everyone? Gather round, please.
352
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:23,023
Brent has something that he'd like to say.
353
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:27,444
Okay.
354
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,322
Regarding my critically acclaimed novel,
355
00:16:30,906 --> 00:16:32,741
I am very sorry
356
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,661
if you were offended. Okay?
357
00:16:36,578 --> 00:16:37,538
Not an apology.
358
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:39,039
Yes, it was.
359
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,332
Okay, fine.
360
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:44,044
I'm sorry if what I wrote,
which was perfectly okay,
361
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,422
somehow made you feel like it wasn't okay.
362
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:48,048
But you know what, that's on you.
363
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:50,134
Brent, wrong direction, bud.
364
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:53,679
No, sorry, man, either apologize for real
or stop wasting our time.
365
00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:56,640
Okay, you know what? I'm actually
not sorry at all. How about that?
366
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:57,683
Is that what you want to hear?
367
00:16:57,766 --> 00:16:59,685
Very obviously not.
368
00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:01,562
Why don't we take a break?
Let's all get a snack.
369
00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:04,732
Not until they give me
the complos I rightly deserve.
370
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:07,109
You want a complo?
I'll give you a complo.
371
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:10,988
I didn't think it was possible
to write a book as awful as yours.
372
00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,657
I literally didn't think
human beings were capable
373
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,827
of such racist, sexist poppycock.
374
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:20,622
Also, Chip Driver is either a private eye,
375
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:23,167
or the quarterback for the Chicago Bears,
376
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,461
or "the world's strongest president."
377
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:26,712
He cannot be all three.
378
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:30,632
Oh, boy.
379
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:32,593
This is a disgrace.
380
00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:36,388
I accomplished something. I wrote a novel.
381
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,223
And now my integrity is being attacked?
382
00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:39,475
I have been called racist, sexist.
383
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,977
I don't have a racist or sexist bone
in my body.
384
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,063
I am Brent Norwalk, and I'm a good person.
385
00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:45,564
I'm in the Good Place.
You ever heard of it?
386
00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,649
And I'm here because I deserve to be here.
387
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:50,319
I'm here because I earned it,
by being the best.
388
00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:51,737
Ugh, you're ridiculous.
389
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:53,155
Yeah and you're a condescending bench.
390
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:57,201
Uh, don't talk to her that way, please.
Hey, I have an idea.
391
00:17:57,284 --> 00:18:00,245
Let me summon
a few philosophical works we can use...
392
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:02,623
Ugh! Enough with the frickin' books, Igby.
393
00:18:02,706 --> 00:18:03,791
You probably don't even know this,
394
00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:05,000
but that character is based on you.
395
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,835
No, I knew it, man. Oh!
396
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,046
- Look out!
- Ah! I'm being attacked again.
397
00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:10,672
- Sorry, that was unintentional.
- Fork you.
398
00:18:16,845 --> 00:18:18,430
So, I'm thinking bagel bites...
399
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:20,808
for the snack?
400
00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:23,018
Ah.
401
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,938
Middle-aged American male fragility.
402
00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:27,815
You know why they're called
baby boomers, right?
403
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:31,151
Because the tiniest little pinprick
to their ego and boom!
404
00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:33,028
They become babies.
405
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,405
I mean, that was it. We were forked.
406
00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:38,242
Six months of painstaking work,
407
00:18:38,325 --> 00:18:43,705
trying to help the four humans overcome
their worst instincts and bond as a group.
408
00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:46,875
And in a poof, it was gone.
409
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,336
I told you, man. Humans suck.
410
00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:55,592
Well, this story has one more chapter.
411
00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:02,307
So, today was bad.
412
00:19:03,183 --> 00:19:06,145
Today was very bad.
Everyone for sure lost a bunch of points.
413
00:19:08,438 --> 00:19:10,274
And I don't have a solution.
414
00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:16,738
Okay. Well, let's reset.
415
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,782
I'll do something mildly iffy,
416
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:22,494
and let John make a small,
good decision to help.
417
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:25,455
I could tell him
I'm going to get ombre highlights,
418
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:26,665
and let him talk me out of it.
419
00:19:26,748 --> 00:19:28,500
What's wrong with ombre highlights?
420
00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:31,795
Eleanor. Please.
This week has been hard enough.
421
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:37,342
I could set my robes on fire
and try and get Brent to put it out.
422
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:40,637
I know you're only suggesting that
because you've repeatedly said
423
00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:42,764
you would look "dope"
in flaming monk robes,
424
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:44,308
but that's actually not a bad idea.
425
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,936
Force him to help someone
without actually thinking about it.
426
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,147
Then maybe I'll ask Chidi to lead
a class on empathy.
427
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:52,316
Yes! Okay, let's write these down.
428
00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:53,734
We got plenty of time left.
429
00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:55,110
We can get back on track.
430
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,696
That was an hour ago.
431
00:19:57,779 --> 00:20:02,117
Right before I came here
to see you for the last time.
432
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:06,663
For months, you and I have been debating,
are people good or bad?
433
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,498
But as I watched those three people
434
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:10,918
pick themselves up
and dust themselves off,
435
00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:13,712
I realized we've been asking
the wrong question.
436
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:16,840
What matters
isn't if people are good or bad.
437
00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:22,930
What matters is if they're trying to be
better today than they were yesterday.
438
00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:25,265
You ask me where my hope comes from?
439
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:27,184
That's your answer.
440
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,146
What are you doing?
441
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,481
Sending you home.
442
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:35,525
I'm not marbleizing you, Janet.
I'm letting you go.
443
00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:38,028
I've tried to win you over to our side.
444
00:20:38,111 --> 00:20:42,157
It hasn't worked, so keeping you
as a prisoner just seems cruel.
445
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:45,410
Letting you go home is how I've decided
446
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:49,998
to be a little better today
than I was yesterday.
447
00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:53,126
Here's your phone...
448
00:20:54,169 --> 00:20:56,505
and a, uh, parting gift.
449
00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:58,465
Oh. Sweet. Is that Brent's book?
450
00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:02,219
No. I didn't have any cash on me,
so I couldn't get you a copy.
451
00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:04,179
This is a manifesto,
452
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,848
detailing everything
that's happened with the humans.
453
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,434
Janet and I wrote it a while back.
454
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:11,353
She's been updating it as we go.
455
00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:14,022
- I hope you'll read it.
- Great thinking.
456
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:17,526
People that get books as gifts
always read them.
457
00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:19,945
Bye!