1
00:00:09,592 --> 00:00:11,094
So, what's on tap for today?

2
00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,430
Chidi's study group
should be off and running.

3
00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:15,640
We can go check in on how Brent's doing.

4
00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:19,561
If there's anyone that can turn that
ashhole into a good person, it's Chidi.

5
00:00:19,644 --> 00:00:23,273
My man used to collect action figures
of famous philosophers.

6
00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:26,818
"Ooh, Eleanor, look, it's a near-mint
Arthur Schopenhauer,

7
00:00:26,901 --> 00:00:28,737
-with a working quill!"

8
00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:29,946
What a dork.

9
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:31,865
I love him so much.

10
00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:34,617
Chidi might make the new humans better
all on his own.

11
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,078
It's so great he erased his memory.

12
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:41,207
But, you know,
it's also quite sad, for you,

13
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:45,128
in a way that I always think about,
and am respectful of.

14
00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:47,881
What the fork?

15
00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:50,216
Hi, Eleanor. Hi, Michael.

16
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,218
We were just heading off for a picnic.

17
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:56,931
Oh! You know, we were actually just gonna
go check in on your new student, Brent.

18
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:58,892
Oh, I'm not sure Brent's in it
for the long haul.

19
00:00:58,975 --> 00:01:00,560
He came to one session,

20
00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:03,730
and then he said he got a B-plus
in Moral Values at Princeton,

21
00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:05,398
and so maybe he should be the professor.

22
00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:07,609
Then he asked me if I knew
that he went to Princeton.

23
00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:08,860
I said I did.

24
00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,905
Then he said he went to Princeton,
and he left.

25
00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:13,114
Eh, what are you gonna do?

26
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:15,075
Well, just for argument's sake,

27
00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:19,079
what would Kant say about your duty
to help your fellow human beings?

28
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:21,831
Well, honestly,
when the weather is this perfect,

29
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:25,710
I think that Kant would say,
"Who's up for some frisbee golf?"

30
00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:33,551
Guys, you gotta hear this joke
I made about Kant.

31
00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:37,305
Never seen Chidi like that.
He was chillaxing,

32
00:01:37,388 --> 00:01:40,934
which is a word I just invented
combining "Chidi" and "relaxing."

33
00:01:41,017 --> 00:01:45,230
I guess once you have the burden of
saving humanity removed from your brain,

34
00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:46,356
life is dandy.

35
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:48,024
Must be nice, Chidi.

36
00:01:48,107 --> 00:01:51,194
That's what's missing.
Chidi isn't being tortured.

37
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,571
As far as he's concerned,
he did everything right on Earth,

38
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,949
so now he just gets to enjoy himself.

39
00:01:56,032 --> 00:01:59,119
If we don't force Chidi
into stressful decision-making,

40
00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:01,746
he won't even have the chance
to become a better person.

41
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:02,664
Right.

42
00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:05,875
If you wanna make a pearl,
you gotta get some sand in your clam.

43
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:06,793
Oyster.

44
00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:09,379
We need Chidi to live in a world
of low-grade dread.

45
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:10,338
I've got this.

46
00:02:10,421 --> 00:02:13,675
I have a ton of experience
making ex-boyfriends' lives miserable.

47
00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:16,803
First up, we fill his acoustic guitar
with wet cat food.

48
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:19,389
Judge me all you want, I get results.

49
00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:27,939
- Janet, darling?
- Hi, there.

50
00:02:28,022 --> 00:02:30,108
- Ooh! You dyed your hair?
- I did.

51
00:02:30,191 --> 00:02:33,695
After I broke up with Jason, I researched
how humans cope with relationships ending,

52
00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:36,656
and number eight on the list was
doing something dumb with your hair.

53
00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:39,868
Number 42 was watch <i>Mamma Mia!</i>
<i>Here We Go Again, </i>so I did that, too.

54
00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:41,077
It was okay.

55
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,954
It's just a lot of the same songs
as the first one.

56
00:02:43,037 --> 00:02:46,124
Well, hopefully "diving back into work"
was also high on that list,

57
00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:49,210
because we need to help John
and I know how.

58
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:50,336
Spa day.

59
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,296
"Spa day"?

60
00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:53,798
That's right, Janet.
I've cracked the code.

61
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:57,427
See, in 2014, John wrote 11 articles

62
00:02:57,510 --> 00:03:00,763
mocking Gigi Hadid's vacation
at an exclusive resort in Bali.

63
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,933
But then he researched cheap flights
to Bali for himself,

64
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:08,187
and looked into something called
a "discount hotel package"?

65
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:12,567
See, John's pettiness was the result of
feeling excluded by the rich and powerful.

66
00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:14,444
So, I, the rich and powerful,

67
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:18,823
shall welcome him into an exclusive world
of luxury and pampering.

68
00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:20,241
Oh, he loves celebrity gossip.

69
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:22,493
You should tell him how eight
different characters from <i>Game of Thrones</i>

70
00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:23,453
are based on you.

71
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:27,373
That is a great idea.
See? You're getting it now.

72
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:31,127
First, we open his pores
and then we open his heart.

73
00:03:31,210 --> 00:03:37,175
We exfoliate the dead skin cells of envy,
and we detoxify his soul.

74
00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:39,594
- Spa day.
- Spa day.

75
00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:41,554
-I'm so excited for spa day!

76
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,432
I mean, I know I can eat
whatever I want and not gain weight,

77
00:03:44,515 --> 00:03:45,934
and the air is obviously perfect,

78
00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:48,478
and no one has any jobs,
or stress or problems,

79
00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:50,939
but I just feel like I need this.

80
00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:54,943
Well, you are in for a treat,
'cause I had Janet build an exact replica

81
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:58,071
of Victoria Beckham's
ultra-exclusive private spa.

82
00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,072
Posh's spa?

83
00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:00,448
The Posh Wash?

84
00:04:00,531 --> 00:04:02,825
It's the most coveted invitation
in England.

85
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:05,411
Membership is based
on weight and net worth.

86
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:08,081
Gain a pound or lose a pound
and you're out.

87
00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:09,123
-Shall we go?

88
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,211
Jason, there you are. We need your help.

89
00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:15,380
Okay, hand me the jar.

90
00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:19,384
- What?
- The peanut butter jar. Give it.

91
00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:23,012
You said you needed help
opening a peanut butter jar.

92
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,222
No, we didn't.

93
00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:25,139
Oh.

94
00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:28,726
- Then who said that?
- No one. Shut up and listen.

95
00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:31,271
We need your help
with something very important.

96
00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:32,188
Are you sure?

97
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,607
I'll probably just mess it up
like I messed things up with Janet.

98
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,985
Dude, helping to save humanity

99
00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:39,320
is as good a way as any
to get over a breakup.

100
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:41,489
It's not like Janet has a car you can key,

101
00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:43,408
or a house you can "Left Eye Lopes."

102
00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:47,453
Okay, I'm in. I got your back, guys.

103
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:48,454
Now, hand me that jar.

104
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,833
Are you speaking metaphorically?

105
00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:55,420
Like, the task we're embarking on
is a metaphorical jar

106
00:04:55,503 --> 00:04:58,298
you're gonna open
by accomplishing the task?

107
00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:01,467
Yes.

108
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:05,722
Oh, goodie, cucumber water.

109
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:09,892
Nope, this is fresh water
from Oprah's estate in Maui,

110
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,854
with mushrooms from her private bog
in the Pyrenees mountains.

111
00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:15,148
Oh, my God, it tastes like candy.

112
00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:16,149
You know what they say,

113
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:19,944
"A mushroom from Oprah's bog is
better than anything from anywhere else."

114
00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:22,447
I didn't know that they said that.

115
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,116
I missed out on all
the cool celebrity sayings.

116
00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:26,617
Say goodbye to FOMO.

117
00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:30,121
You can finally experience
the best of the best.

118
00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:34,292
The only thing that would make this any
better is some hot goss.

119
00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:35,209
Very well.

120
00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:39,005
Our story begins when I ran into
Robbie Williams, Heidi Klum,

121
00:05:39,088 --> 00:05:43,134
and the remaining members of Fifth Harmony
at the Dolce & Gabbana spring show.

122
00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:47,138
Hate him, loathe her, over them,
cancel it, tell me everything.

123
00:05:47,221 --> 00:05:50,058
So Natalie Portman does
all of Scarlett Johansson's stunts?

124
00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:53,394
- Why?
- For the power. Just to say she can.

125
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,521
Sure. I get that.

126
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:59,484
Oh, Tahani, I feel amazing. Thank you.

127
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:00,860
You're quite welcome.

128
00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:03,863
Hey, you know what would give you
an even more luminous glow?

129
00:06:03,946 --> 00:06:07,617
There was a sort of inner treatment
that was all the rage on Earth,

130
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:09,410
the study of ethics.

131
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:11,996
Think of it as a colonic,
but for your soul.

132
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,790
Our resident philosopher, Chidi Anagonye,

133
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,666
leads an ethics study group
in his apartment.

134
00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,919
What do you say you and I sit in?

135
00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:23,883
Would I like to use my time in heaven
to audit a philosophy class?

136
00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:25,927
Um...

137
00:06:26,010 --> 00:06:26,844
No.

138
00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:29,013
You stay crazy, girl. Bye.

139
00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:33,810
- Hey.
- Hi.

140
00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:36,020
- So, how was the picnic?
- Oh, amazing.

141
00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:38,856
I mean, there were ants everywhere,
but they were so helpful.

142
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:40,817
They carried our wine glasses
back and forth

143
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,569
and they folded our napkins for us.
It was so cute.

144
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,030
Wait till you see the otters
who do our turndown service.

145
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,074
Listen, you might know Jianyu, the monk?

146
00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:50,368
He wants to join
your philosophy study group.

147
00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:52,411
Oh, sure, we can get that
up and running again.

148
00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:54,872
Maybe discuss some Lao Tzu and Confucius.

149
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,499
Fun! Everything is so fun.

150
00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:57,416
Perfect.

151
00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:01,879
Um, just one thing. So, he's been having
kind of a hard time adjusting here.

152
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:04,715
Apparently, monks aren't
the most social creatures.

153
00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:07,009
So, just promise me
you'll help him no matter what?

154
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:12,306
Eleanor, I swear to you, I will look after
Jianyu as if he is my own brother.

155
00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:13,224
Wow.

156
00:07:13,307 --> 00:07:17,061
I mean, a promise from
a strict Kantian like yourself

157
00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:20,523
is just about the most ironclad agreement
in the universe.

158
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:24,026
- Okay, buh-bye.
- Bye.

159
00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:27,864
So, Jianyu, would you like some...

160
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,699
Yo, shut up for a sec.
I'm not a Buddhist monk.

161
00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,451
My name is Jason Mendoza,

162
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,744
I'm a DJ from Florida,
and I'm not supposed to be here.

163
00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:36,456
You gotta help me out, homie.
I'm scared.

164
00:07:37,039 --> 00:07:39,584
Tea.
I was gonna offer you some tea.

165
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:46,215
Dude, thanks to you, my dream came true.
I have a shiny new budhole.

166
00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:48,342
- You okay, homie?
- No.

167
00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:52,638
I've had a stomachache for a week.
There have been way too many close calls.

168
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:57,852
Please, I beg you, no more meatball subs,
no more drawing boobs in the dirt.

169
00:07:57,935 --> 00:07:59,729
I cannot lie to cover for you.

170
00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:02,523
Please, remember,
you're supposed to be a monk.

171
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:05,902
Hey.

172
00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:08,821
Eleanor and Michael are here.
What a fun surprise.

173
00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,573
- You've done some re-decorating.
- Oh!

174
00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:14,243
Uh, yes, my apartment was decorated
in one way

175
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,454
and now it has been... redecorated.

176
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:19,790
- And how is Jianyu?
- I mean, you know how monks are.

177
00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:21,125
Calm. Peaceful.

178
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,669
Never, you know...
shotgunning Cheez Whiz.

179
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,505
What monk would do that? No monk!

180
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:27,215
Anyway...

181
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:29,258
I see you guys are still here.

182
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,427
We were just dropping by to ask a favor.

183
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:34,514
Can you accompany Jianyu
to the luau tonight?

184
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:37,225
He still isn't really engaging
with the neighborhood.

185
00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:39,560
We're hoping you could help him
break out of his shell.

186
00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:42,480
- Actually, I don't think I can make it.
- Oh, why not?

187
00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:48,528
I just remembered... I can make it,
so I will see you there.

188
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,029
Okay. Bye.

189
00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:58,204
I don't understand why John
hasn't made more progress.

190
00:08:58,287 --> 00:09:00,122
You've done so much
to make him feel special.

191
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,040
I know.

192
00:09:01,123 --> 00:09:04,043
I recreated the private tour of the Louvre
where they let you touch all the art.

193
00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:06,045
We rode Aquamans through the water.

194
00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:10,841
I got so many beauty treatments, I fear
my hair may be too shiny and lustrous.

195
00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,343
We've been getting on quite well,

196
00:09:12,426 --> 00:09:16,514
but every time I bring up
self-improvement, he just shuts me down.

197
00:09:16,597 --> 00:09:18,307
I haven't encountered this much resistance

198
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,935
since I tried to get Timothée Chalamet
to go out into the sun.

199
00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:25,523
You know, I looked at John's files again.
He was hardly a shrinking violet.

200
00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:28,317
If you think he needs help,
maybe you should just tell him directly.

201
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:29,485
Perhaps you're right.

202
00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:31,404
I shall go on the attack,

203
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:35,491
just like six of the eight <i>Game of Thrones</i>
characters who were based on me would do.

204
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,701
Yeah.

205
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,996
- So, how are things going with Chidi?
- Super easy.

206
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,665
All I have to do is be myself
and he's constantly freaking out.

207
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:44,750
You have that effect on people, bud.

208
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,335
What else can we do to mess up his life?

209
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,713
Mmm, listen, E-Dog,

210
00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:53,926
I know people don't look to me for plans,
or ideas, or anything,

211
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:55,553
but maybe we should ease off.

212
00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:57,013
He's pretty stressed already.

213
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:59,348
Please. He's not even dry-heaving yet.

214
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,808
How many Tums did he take today?

215
00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:02,435
- Like, 20.
- That's nothing.

216
00:10:02,518 --> 00:10:04,020
We don't stop until it's the whole bottle.

217
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:07,148
Because the more miserable he is,
the more he's going to teach you,

218
00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:09,692
and then everyone,
and then he'll save humanity.

219
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:12,695
He's like Superman with nervous diarrhea.

220
00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:15,031
Get ready.
I'm gonna make that speech soon.

221
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,869
Hey, girl.
Wanna hit up the spa tomorrow?

222
00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:21,495
I wanna try that new
<i>Little Mermaid</i> treatment,

223
00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:22,997
the one where they remove
your vocal chords

224
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,874
and it somehow makes
your legs look amazing.

225
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:28,336
Perhaps, but I was hoping
to bend your ear on a more serious matter.

226
00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:31,213
The things you used to write, frankly...

227
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,634
- were hurtful.
- What? Name one.

228
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:37,845
I gained five pounds and you
called me "Ta-Hammy All-The-Meals."

229
00:10:37,928 --> 00:10:39,555
I mean, that's just poetry.

230
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,891
You were so mean to Daniel Day-Lewis
he quit acting.

231
00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:43,392
Oh, I'm sorry,
was he "living in character"

232
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,186
as a man who thought
he could pull off boot-cut jeans?

233
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:48,105
You know what? I see what this is.
This has been a fake friendship.

234
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:51,025
This whole week has just been
a wind-up to a sucker punch.

235
00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:53,027
No, it hasn't.

236
00:10:53,110 --> 00:10:56,280
I just want you to recognize
that your blog hurt people

237
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:59,158
and you have a chance to be better here.

238
00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:02,828
B'scuse me?
You're telling me to be better?

239
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:05,289
While you were gallivanting around
with your fancy friends,

240
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:08,084
I lived in the real world,
so I had bills to pay.

241
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:13,089
I worked 16 hours a day, by myself,
building a site with millions of readers.

242
00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:16,634
You're the one with issues, sweetheart.
If ya spot it, ya got it.

243
00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:18,886
Whoosh!

244
00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:21,180
That's another deuce
for the Gossip Toilet.

245
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:26,852
Hello and welcome.
Is everyone having fun tonight?

246
00:11:29,271 --> 00:11:33,025
We have an exciting activity
planned for all of you.

247
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:36,278
You have all been given
a magic lava stone.

248
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:39,073
When you throw them into the bonfire,

249
00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:44,161
you will receive
whatever your soul most desires.

250
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:47,706
-Step right up, Matilda. Give it a toss.

251
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:58,175
My childhood pet,
Shell Turtlestein.

252
00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:00,678
- Hi.
- I wanna do that.

253
00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:03,973
No! You cannot,
under any circumstances, do that.

254
00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:05,975
Okay, but I gotta do that.

255
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:07,935
No. If you throw that stone,

256
00:12:08,018 --> 00:12:11,647
your truest, actual desire will appear,
and who knows what that is?

257
00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:12,565
I do.

258
00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:15,609
My old motorcycle with Pamela Anderson
airbrushed on the side.

259
00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:17,236
It exploded a week after I got it,

260
00:12:17,319 --> 00:12:19,572
because someone wanted to see
what would happen

261
00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:21,699
if they poured lighter fluid
in the engine.

262
00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:22,867
Was that someone you?

263
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,286
Yep. Turns out it explodes. Called it.

264
00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:28,873
Look, maybe Jianyu the monk
likes motorcycles.

265
00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:30,583
We don't know his life.

266
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:35,504
No monk's truest desire is a motorcycle
with Pam Anderson's face painted on it.

267
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,381
Oh, it wasn't her face.

268
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,051
No, no, no.

269
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:48,142
A sexually explicit motorcycle?
Whose rock was that?

270
00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:50,102
Yay!

271
00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:51,312
It's mine.

272
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:56,150
Jianyu tossed my rock, uh,
because he wanted to help me,

273
00:12:56,233 --> 00:13:02,406
his friend, who loves motorcycles
and Canadian TV actress, Pamela Anderson.

274
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,365
Thanks, Jianyu.

275
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:06,118
And now, I will... ride it away.

276
00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:11,582
Can't wait to cruise the streets
in this bad boy.

277
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:12,917
Yeah, man.

278
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:14,627
Now we're cooking with gas.

279
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,087
Well, this was a huge success.

280
00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:18,714
Chidi's an absolute mess.

281
00:13:18,797 --> 00:13:20,549
Oh, we should pop open some champagne.

282
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,926
Call those magic ants.

283
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:23,844
He's clearly being tested
like never before.

284
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,971
Yeah, and now we need
to ramp up the pressure.

285
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:28,307
Eleanor, he told an outright lie.

286
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:31,101
We don't want him so freaked out
that he can't help anyone else.

287
00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:32,561
I think we did enough for the day.

288
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,814
No way, dude. We can't stop now.
We have to push him to the edge.

289
00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:38,025
We have to knead his fragile psyche

290
00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:40,069
until he's hyperventilating
and losing his mind.

291
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:43,739
Hi. Guys... Um...

292
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:45,658
- Hey, can we talk?
- Yeah.

293
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:47,409
I need to tell you a secret. I...

294
00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:50,538
I can't.

295
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:57,920
No, no, no. Guys, guys, not now.

296
00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:03,968
I spent my whole life on Earth
battling a stomachache

297
00:14:04,051 --> 00:14:05,886
because I never knew what to do.

298
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:10,182
And for a while here, that was gone,
but recently, I've been miserable.

299
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:12,309
Why, Chidi?
You're in the Good Place.

300
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:14,478
I know, but I have this problem.

301
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:17,356
And if I choose Option A...

302
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:20,943
But if I choose Option B...

303
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,987
No.

304
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:28,242
You know, Chidi, sometimes,
adversity can lead to growth.

305
00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:30,202
Whatever the moral dilemma is,

306
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:33,289
maybe you'll come out
on the other side better for it.

307
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:34,748
Yeah.

308
00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:36,959
No.

309
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:40,713
I'm used to moral dilemmas.
I like moral dilemmas. They're my jam.

310
00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:43,299
- But this just feels like I'm...
- What?

311
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,551
Like I'm being punished somehow.

312
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,095
And, obviously, I know that's silly.
This is the Good Place.

313
00:14:48,178 --> 00:14:49,847
You two would never do
anything to hurt anyone.

314
00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:53,851
But I am seriously worried
that I did something wrong,

315
00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:56,937
and this is the universe
getting back at me.

316
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,357
Oh, no.

317
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,985
- What's happening now?

318
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:05,404
Oh, no. No, no, no.

319
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,406
I made God cry?

320
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,784
Oh, stomachache. Welcome back, old friend.

321
00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:13,829
Oh, I can't believe John.

322
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:17,791
The man who once started a protracted
Twitter feud with Jacob Tremblay

323
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:20,002
thinks that I'm the one with issues?

324
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,171
Ugh. Maybe you need to be
even more direct with him.

325
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:23,505
Like, punch him in the face.

326
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,716
I don't know. I'm fired up.

327
00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:28,969
You've just been very nice to him and I
don't like the way he's treating you.

328
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:30,763
Maybe it's not possible.
We're just too different.

329
00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:32,765
He spent his life
in the bowels of the Internet,

330
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,934
jealous and miserable,
with no real friends,

331
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:37,770
while I spent my life
in the upper echelon of society...

332
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,815
jealous and miserable with...

333
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:44,193
no real friends.

334
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,529
Oh, Janet. I've been going
about this all wrong.

335
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,114
Exactly. Here you go.

336
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:50,407
Oh, uh...

337
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:51,325
No.

338
00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:54,870
Why? Why are you crying?

339
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:58,916
This is all my fault.
I promised I'd take care of you, Chidi.

340
00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:01,835
- You did?
- Yes. I promised.

341
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:06,173
Uh, see, Chidi, the architect is
responsible for the entire neighborhood,

342
00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:10,761
so a resident suffering in any way,
it's very painful for her.

343
00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:12,429
Actually, come here, come here.

344
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:14,306
But don't worry.

345
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,810
We have a very simple solution
for problems here.

346
00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:19,979
- Oh, good. What is it?
- We eliminate them.

347
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:22,523
So, you just tell us the problem,
and we'll eliminate it.

348
00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:23,691
Like, uh...

349
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:25,818
say you had a problem with that vase.

350
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:28,988
See?

351
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:32,366
So, just tell me what's bothering you,
I'll wave my hand, it'll explode,

352
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:35,119
and you can go back
to your otherwise perfect life.

353
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:36,036
Uh...

354
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:40,499
The motorcycle. Yup, that's my problem.

355
00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:42,501
For some reason,
it just hasn't been bringing me

356
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:44,837
as much happiness
as maybe it was intended to,

357
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,965
- so I'd just as soon get rid of it.
- Done.

358
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,718
Oh, not again.

359
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:54,096
- No more motorcycle. Problem solved.
- Great.

360
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:57,057
-Uh, Eleanor, I hope you feel better.

361
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,976
No, no, she'll be fine. She'll be fine.

362
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:02,021
John? I have something to say.

363
00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:03,689
Round two? Let's do this.

364
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:07,443
In 2007, Blake Lively invited me
to a birthday party

365
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:10,446
held for Leonardo DiCaprio
aboard Paul Allen's mega-yacht.

366
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,531
Hmm, I see we're dropping names
three at a time now.

367
00:17:12,614 --> 00:17:16,952
The guest list was 100 of the wealthiest,
most famous members of the glitterati.

368
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:19,663
Once aboard,
I discovered there was a VIP deck.

369
00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:22,750
And within that area, there was
an even more exclusive room

370
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:26,211
that you could only access with
a secret PIN, which I promptly entered.

371
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:27,880
And guess who was waiting for me?

372
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:31,091
I hate to admit it,
but I have to know. Who?

373
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:32,092
No one.

374
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:33,844
I was the only one there.

375
00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:36,013
The party raged on outside,

376
00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:39,850
but I was so obsessed with status
that I never left.

377
00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:42,478
I spent the entire night
talking to no one.

378
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,522
Riveting story.
If only it were longer and sadder.

379
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:50,569
The point is, if all you care about
in the world is the velvet rope,

380
00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:53,947
you will always be unhappy,
no matter which side you're on.

381
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:56,575
You and I are proof of that.

382
00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:58,243
But now we're here.

383
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:01,038
Can we just start over?

384
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:02,790
Well...

385
00:18:03,707 --> 00:18:06,835
if we're gonna be friends,
I need to say something.

386
00:18:08,545 --> 00:18:11,673
I really am sorry for all the posts
I wrote about you.

387
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,592
And everything I tweeted.

388
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:16,595
And scrawled on the back of a <i>Playbill</i>
during the intermission of <i>Wicked,</i>

389
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:18,764
and had someone pass it to you
and say it was from

390
00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:20,224
an anonymous, concerned citizen.

391
00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:21,767
-That was you?

392
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:25,145
Well, my bangs were
"making my ears look chunky."

393
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,105
That was a fair hit.

394
00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:30,400
It's a lovely night.

395
00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:32,486
Would you like to go for a walk?

396
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:42,204
-Hey, Jason? New plan.

397
00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:45,749
Instead of just trying to not get caught,
we're going to study ethics.

398
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:48,669
I'm going to help you
become a good person.

399
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:50,420
Oh, dope. I always wanna get better.

400
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:52,923
That's why I spent so much
of my time at the free clinic.

401
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:57,427
Hang on, just editing my syllabus
in my head based on that comment.

402
00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:58,804
This is gonna be awesome. You rule.

403
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:01,640
You're like the Pam Anderson
boob-motorcycle of people.

404
00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:03,809
Thank you. That's an amazing compliment.

405
00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:06,937
And I'm sorry
your actual motorcycle blew up.

406
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:08,230
That's okay, homie.

407
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,232
That's just what motorcycles do.

408
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:14,027
So, Chidi's set with Jason now.

409
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,156
- How are you doing?
- A little better...

410
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:18,949
but still terrible.

411
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,244
You were torturing him
because that's what we had to do.

412
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:23,162
I know.

413
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,038
I went too far.

414
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,875
And what's worse, I liked it.

415
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:33,463
Because I'm angry at him for leaving me,

416
00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:38,927
which isn't even remotely fair,
because he sacrificed himself for us,

417
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:42,389
but I'm still angry he abandoned me,
which makes me feel guilty,

418
00:19:42,472 --> 00:19:45,267
which makes me angry,
which makes me want to talk to Chidi,

419
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,728
because he's the person
I go to when I'm angry.

420
00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:49,980
So, it's a real fun cycle.

421
00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:55,652
I still don't have a grip
on the human emotional spectrum.

422
00:19:56,236 --> 00:19:58,739
You guys are often happy
when you should be sad,

423
00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:00,449
and angry when you should be happy,

424
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,701
and texting when you should be driving,

425
00:20:02,784 --> 00:20:06,455
which is not an emotion, I know,
but it's insane.

426
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,707
The point is, in this case,

427
00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:13,378
even if it's not rational,
you're allowed to feel a little angry.

428
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:14,963
Let yourself off the hook.

429
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,758
Process it and work your way through it.

430
00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:21,595
And then get your shirt together,
because we have a lot of work to do.

431
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,264
Morning, all.

432
00:20:24,973 --> 00:20:27,059
Anyone interested in a status report?

433
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,728
I win! I mean, I'll start.

434
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:32,689
I have made massive progress with John.

435
00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:34,900
Great. Is he gonna join Chidi's class?

436
00:20:34,983 --> 00:20:37,069
Philosophy may not be his way forward.

437
00:20:37,152 --> 00:20:41,031
Genuine human connection
shall be his course of study.

438
00:20:41,114 --> 00:20:42,866
And first up on the syllabus,

439
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:45,827
he and I will be unironically watching

440
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:48,705
the Britney Spears movie
<i>Crossroads</i> together...

441
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:51,083
and you'll have to trust me,

442
00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:53,835
this is a huge step
in the right direction.

443
00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,379
Wonderful work, Tahani.

444
00:20:55,462 --> 00:20:58,048
And, Jason, I mean, bravo.

445
00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:00,175
Thanks, guys.

446
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,094
It's been a tough couple weeks,

447
00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:07,641
and it just felt really good to be brainy,
and have... use-ness.

448
00:21:07,724 --> 00:21:08,934
Sure, bud.

449
00:21:09,017 --> 00:21:11,061
Well, I think we can finally say

450
00:21:11,144 --> 00:21:14,022
that all four of these mofos
are on the right path.

451
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:16,566
So... what's next?