1
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:09,884
Linda...

2
00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:12,887
You can have literally
anything you could...

3
00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:14,347
What the...

4
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:18,184
<i>You sent a demon in disguise
as one of the subjects?</i>

5
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:20,687
<i>This outrageous act must be punished.</i>

6
00:00:21,354 --> 00:00:23,565
<i>Chidi will be the fourth subject
in this experiment.</i>

7
00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:29,070
I still don't get why the Bad Place
would try something so obvious?

8
00:00:29,154 --> 00:00:31,239
They're desperate.
They know they're gonna lose.

9
00:00:31,322 --> 00:00:33,533
Plus, we can get rid of the Linda picture,

10
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:38,246
and put a Chidi picture on the other side
since we know a ton about him.

11
00:00:38,329 --> 00:00:39,914
It's all good news, right, team leader?

12
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,291
Yeah, it's super cool

13
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:44,502
that I'm actively surveilling
and manipulating an ex-boyfriend.

14
00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:46,546
I mean, more so than I usually did.

15
00:00:46,629 --> 00:00:48,381
Okay, let's focus on Brent.

16
00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:51,342
Born on third base, thinks he invented
the game of baseball.

17
00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:54,345
Guys like this believe
that the world revolves around them,

18
00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:56,139
because it kinda does.

19
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:58,767
If we could get him
to listen to anyone else,

20
00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:01,186
he'd hear how much better they are
than he was,

21
00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:04,147
which might make him realize
that he doesn't belong here,

22
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:05,690
and also, bonus...

23
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:08,693
maybe he cries like a stupid little baby.

24
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:19,662
Anyway, long story short,
that's why there are still ducks.

25
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:21,623
- I saved all the ducks.
- Aw!

26
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,042
Incredible. Wow.

27
00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:25,877
Thank you, Wanda. What a life.

28
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:29,464
Now we turn to our next guest,
Chidi Anagonye.

29
00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,927
Now, Chidi, you led an impressive life
as an academic.

30
00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:38,473
Uh, well, uh, not
save-an-entire-species impressive,

31
00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:42,435
but yes, I was a professor
of ethical and moral philosophy.

32
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:45,063
I'm sorry. Literally every duck?

33
00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:47,440
- You saved every duck?
- In essence, yes.

34
00:01:48,107 --> 00:01:51,194
And I didn't mention this before,
I really don't like to brag,

35
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,071
but also horses.

36
00:01:53,154 --> 00:01:54,239
What?

37
00:01:54,322 --> 00:01:58,284
Man. I mean, compared to you,
I feel a little inadequate.

38
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,123
Hey. Hey, Mikey, can I ask you something?

39
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:06,584
I feel bad for making Janet's life
more chaotic and unpredictable.

40
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:09,754
So, here's my idea to make it up to her.

41
00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:13,550
Me and 100 Janet babies
do a giant flash mob,

42
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:16,302
just total unpredictable chaos
all around her.

43
00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:18,388
Great idea, right?

44
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:21,266
- Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.
- Mmm-hmm?

45
00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:24,185
Sorry, I put a little cheat code
in the neighborhood,

46
00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,563
where if I say your name five times,
my headache goes away.

47
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:30,608
Do you know why I forced you to act
like a monk in the original neighborhood?

48
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:33,236
- Does it have to do with the TV show <i>Monk?</i>
- No.

49
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:37,657
It's because you have no control
over your own impulses.

50
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,952
You think every problem can be solved
with a Molotov cocktail,

51
00:02:41,035 --> 00:02:44,289
or slashing somebody's tires
or plunging Derek.

52
00:02:44,372 --> 00:02:46,875
So, being a monk was torture for you.

53
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:50,003
The only way for you
to repair your relationship with Janet

54
00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:51,838
is to give her some space.

55
00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:54,591
Show her that you can
control your impulses.

56
00:02:54,674 --> 00:03:00,722
So, you're saying wanting to do something
isn't a good reason to immediately do it?

57
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:03,558
Yeah.

58
00:03:03,641 --> 00:03:05,852
Man! I wish someone
had taught me this on Earth.

59
00:03:05,935 --> 00:03:08,438
People tried. Mostly judges.

60
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:10,648
Hey, showtime.

61
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:14,777
And now, Brent Norwalk, why don't you
tell us a little bit about yourself?

62
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:16,988
Thank you very much. Thank you.

63
00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:18,740
Sure. I'm pretty interesting.

64
00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:21,618
I grew up in Chicago. A suburb, obviously.

65
00:03:22,201 --> 00:03:24,037
I went to Princeton University.

66
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,789
No handouts, by the way.
I earned my spot there.

67
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:29,125
Just like my father
and his father before him.

68
00:03:29,208 --> 00:03:32,879
I then inherited the family business,
and in just 18 years,

69
00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:36,132
I grew Norwalk Materials
from a $90 million company...

70
00:03:36,966 --> 00:03:39,010
to a $94 million company.

71
00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:40,011
One second. Hey, Janet?

72
00:03:40,678 --> 00:03:41,763
- Hi, there.
- Perrier.

73
00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:46,601
Why don't you tell us
about a time when things

74
00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:48,061
- didn't come so easy to you?
- Mmm.

75
00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:49,938
Look, I've had my share
of disappointments.

76
00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:53,107
I smartly bought Netflix stock
at $38 a share,

77
00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:54,651
but I couldn't cash it in before I died.

78
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,487
So, all that money's going to my dumb kid.

79
00:03:57,570 --> 00:03:59,155
But you have to press on, right?

80
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:03,785
In the words of Martin Luther King Jr.,
who I personally believe was a great man,

81
00:04:04,535 --> 00:04:06,913
he said that, "When life knocks you
on your butt,

82
00:04:06,996 --> 00:04:08,957
you jump back up
and start throwing haymakers."

83
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,334
- I'm not sure he said that.
- No, he did. You're wrong.

84
00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:15,505
For me, Eleanor, it's all about
taking personal responsibility.

85
00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,131
Not enough people do that.

86
00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:18,549
If you ask me,

87
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:21,010
- that's what's wrong with this country.
- What country?

88
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,346
This was fun, Eleanor,
but I have a tee time.

89
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,181
Daddy no golfy, daddy get cranky.

90
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,767
So, Chad, Duck Lady, nice to meet ya.

91
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:28,935
Thank you.

92
00:04:29,018 --> 00:04:30,436
Thank you all very much. You were great.

93
00:04:31,312 --> 00:04:32,438
A car?

94
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:36,234
He got a car?

95
00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:38,111
Okay. Well, back to the drawing board.

96
00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:40,530
If we want him to understand
he doesn't belong here,

97
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,156
we don't need a drawing board.

98
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,367
We need to bust him open like a piñata.

99
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,327
We tried that in the Bad Place.

100
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:49,163
The goo that comes out
doesn't taste as good as candy.

101
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,749
- No, dude, metaphorically.
- Ah.

102
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:55,295
Although, there is another
Bad Place strategy

103
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:57,005
that might work very well here.

104
00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,759
I don't know if that's the right move.

105
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,553
It's our only move.

106
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:06,764
And we're doing it tomorrow.

107
00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:14,022
What the...

108
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,399
Hey, Janet?

109
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:17,567
Janet!

110
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:23,031
Is that Perrier?

111
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:26,993
<i>♪ Waiting for the break of day ♪</i>

112
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:33,583
<i>♪ Searching for something to say ♪</i>

113
00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,754
Michael! Eleanor!

114
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:40,715
Brent, I'm so sorry. We don't know
why all of this is happening.

115
00:05:40,798 --> 00:05:43,801
Well, I do.
This chaos is clearly all about me.

116
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:46,471
This is the universe telling me
that I don't belong here.

117
00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:49,807
- Brent, what do you mean?
- I don't belong in the Good Place.

118
00:05:51,559 --> 00:05:53,936
I mean, obviously,
there's a place better than this.

119
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:57,690
I belong there, in the Best Place.

120
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:05,948
Walk me through this, Brent.
I'm not sure we follow.

121
00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,117
Well, I've been feeling this way
for a while now.

122
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:10,703
I mean, this can't be all
the afterlife has to offer,

123
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,663
not to the cream of the crop.

124
00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:15,166
I mean, if this is heaven,
then where are my guys?

125
00:06:15,249 --> 00:06:17,627
Where's Scotty and Schultzy and Porcupine?

126
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,462
Where's White Guillermo,

127
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:22,465
and where is Mexican William
and what about Squirtman?

128
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:25,093
Well, he makes a good point.
What about Squirtman?

129
00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:28,554
Also, frankly, my assistant Janet
is a little uptight.

130
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:30,473
I mean, she hasn't worn any of my gifts.

131
00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:34,143
Have you been asking Janet
to make herself clothes,

132
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:36,395
that you give back to her?

133
00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:38,231
Yeah, you're doing the math
right there, bud.

134
00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:41,359
Look, this chaos, which is clearly
all about me, is a sign.

135
00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:44,320
If this is the Good Place,
I belong in the Best Place.

136
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,573
So, figure it out, get back to me. Okay?

137
00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:52,787
I'm gonna go punch a wall with my head.
I'll meet up with you later.

138
00:06:54,872 --> 00:06:57,542
Michael, I'm afraid
we need to talk about Eleanor.

139
00:06:57,625 --> 00:07:00,294
I know what you're gonna say.
She's just been really busy.

140
00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:03,214
I'm sure she'll get around
to showering at some point.

141
00:07:03,297 --> 00:07:06,717
No, it's not that.
Although, it's not, not that.

142
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,762
It's possible we need a new team leader.

143
00:07:10,346 --> 00:07:11,430
Oh, really?

144
00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:14,350
We just can't help but question
her decision-making.

145
00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:16,477
She balked at bringing
Chidi and Simone together.

146
00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:18,938
She ignored my concerns about Linda.

147
00:07:19,021 --> 00:07:21,232
Her plans for Brent backfired.

148
00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:25,445
We've made precious little progress.
Perhaps leadership isn't her forte.

149
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:30,074
Yeah, I mean, Eleanor is dope,
but she keeps screwing everything up.

150
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:33,286
That's my thing.
And you wouldn't put me in charge.

151
00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:35,496
Actually, that's a decent point.

152
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:37,582
But think about what you're saying here.

153
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:41,085
We have. We should at least discuss
pursuing a change in leadership.

154
00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:43,588
Yeah, definitely, let's pursue it.

155
00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:45,548
Oh, hey, Eleanor.

156
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:50,511
We were just talking about how maybe
you shouldn't be team leader.

157
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:52,763
Saved it.

158
00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:54,682
Go ahead, guys. Speak your mind.

159
00:07:54,765 --> 00:07:56,517
It isn't personal, Eleanor.

160
00:07:56,601 --> 00:08:01,063
When we started this experiment,
I calculated a 9% chance of success.

161
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:04,859
After your first three days on the job,
it's down to 7.1%.

162
00:08:04,942 --> 00:08:09,572
So purely from a mathematical standpoint,
you are kind of pooching it.

163
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:10,907
Very helpful feedback.

164
00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:13,534
And if I could give you some feedback,

165
00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:16,579
uh, I'd say that you're all
ungrateful ash-faces,

166
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:19,373
who can shove your fat grumps
all the way up your snork-box.

167
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:20,750
Which curses were those?

168
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,210
I didn't ask for this.

169
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,880
I'm only doing it because Michael,
who is supposed to be in charge,

170
00:08:25,963 --> 00:08:27,715
had a nervous breakdown
the second it started.

171
00:08:27,798 --> 00:08:29,467
But maybe you can do it better than me.

172
00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:31,761
Tahani can be in charge
since she's so smart.

173
00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:33,554
Or better yet, Jason.

174
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:35,515
Maybe all of humanity can be saved

175
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:38,309
with one good, old-fashioned
Jacksonville carnival.

176
00:08:38,392 --> 00:08:41,312
I mean, we could try.
All I need is a bouncy house,

177
00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:43,689
some ninja stars
and a bunch of ambulances.

178
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:45,775
Well, good luck, fork-faces. I quit.

179
00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:47,652
Shellstrop out.

180
00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:55,284
You get it all out of your system?

181
00:08:55,368 --> 00:09:00,081
- You gonna come back, get to work?
- No, man, I meant what I said. I quit.

182
00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:04,126
I'm sorry you overheard that,
and they're sorry they said it.

183
00:09:05,461 --> 00:09:08,548
But you don't just
get to quit this, Eleanor.

184
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:11,342
This is not your seventh-grade band,

185
00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:14,345
or three hours into
a two-week juice cleanse.

186
00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:16,305
A little more at stake here.

187
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,433
Yeah, man, that's why I'm quitting.

188
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:22,770
The things that are happening here
are above my pay grade.

189
00:09:22,853 --> 00:09:25,606
How do I get Brent
to stop being such a deckhead?

190
00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:28,442
How do I fix Simone when she's convinced

191
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:30,903
all of this is happening
inside of her brain?

192
00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:34,532
Ooh, maybe I should drive her
into the arms of my ex-boyfriend?

193
00:09:34,615 --> 00:09:35,533
That sounds fun.

194
00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:37,451
What do I do about John, the gossip king,

195
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:40,204
or the demon spy
who punched me in the face?

196
00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:41,205
And how do I do it all

197
00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:43,541
with a pleasant smile
to keep everyone's spirits up?

198
00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:45,751
I'm not meant for this.

199
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:48,838
I'm not the freakin' savior
of the universe.

200
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:50,256
I'm just...

201
00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:53,843
a girl from Arizona.

202
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,054
That's it.

203
00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:59,098
I'm just a normal girl from Arizona.

204
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:03,603
I ate junk food, I watched reality shows,

205
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:06,522
I sometimes left H&M
wearing more underpants

206
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,107
than I had on when I came in.

207
00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:11,527
I did a bad job of being in charge
of my own life,

208
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,655
and now I'm supposed to be
in charge of everyone else's life? I...

209
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,325
I cannot do this.

210
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:27,543
When I started my experiment,

211
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:32,923
I thought, "Four broken birdbrains
who will believe everything I tell them.

212
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,301
This will be a breeze."

213
00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:38,471
You beat me in three months.

214
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,724
"Okay, fine," I thought, "a fluke."

215
00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:44,810
You then you beat me 800 more times.

216
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:50,524
Because human beings,
it turns out, are weird,

217
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:55,071
and I will never truly understand
what it's like to be one.

218
00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:58,324
This is a job for a human.

219
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:05,122
One who's tough, but also empathetic
and has a big heart,

220
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:09,710
and a world-class bullshirt detector.

221
00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:12,046
You think you can't do this?

222
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:17,510
Eleanor, you're the only one
who can do this.

223
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:23,682
Like it or not, the only one
who can save humanity

224
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,185
is a girl from Arizona.

225
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,566
But everything I do blows up in my face.

226
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:37,822
I'm like a hot, blonde Wile E. Coyote.

227
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:38,906
That's true.

228
00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:42,535
About you making lots of mistakes,

229
00:11:42,618 --> 00:11:45,079
not the thing where
you sexualized a cartoon.

230
00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:47,957
Come on, you know how this works.

231
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:52,128
You fail, and then you try something else,
and you fail again and again.

232
00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:56,006
And you fail 1,000 times,
and you keep trying,

233
00:11:56,090 --> 00:12:01,303
because maybe the 1,001st idea might work.

234
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:07,393
Now, I'm gonna go and try to find
our 1,001st idea.

235
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,646
I hope you'll join me.

236
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:16,110
I hope you shower first and then join me.

237
00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:30,749
Ladies and gentlemen, back with her
trademark brand of B-minus leadership,

238
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:32,084
Eleanor Shellstrop.

239
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:35,963
We are so, so, so sorry, Eleanor.
We never should've questioned you.

240
00:12:36,046 --> 00:12:39,049
Don't worry about it, hot stuff.
I was questioning me, too.

241
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:42,928
But I'm back, baby.
And I have a new idea for Brent.

242
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:44,889
Guys like him never think they're wrong.

243
00:12:44,972 --> 00:12:47,433
So, we're gonna tell him he's right.

244
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:50,227
Brent?

245
00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:56,484
This conversation
must remain confidential.

246
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:59,361
- Okay.
- Obviously, you're a very smart guy.

247
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:02,573
- Yes.
- But we need to know that we can trust you

248
00:13:02,656 --> 00:13:04,366
with sensitive information.

249
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:05,618
You can.

250
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:09,413
I routinely buried HR complaints.
So, no problem.

251
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:13,834
The truth is, Brent, you figured us out.

252
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:15,669
There is a Best Place.

253
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,588
I knew it! I knew it.

254
00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:22,510
The Best Place is reserved for a select,
upper echelon of good people.

255
00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:26,639
Sort of like a Diamond Elite
VIP club of afterlife residents.

256
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:29,058
I was Diamond Elite. I swear.

257
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,352
One time, I did shots
with this pilot in the lounge.

258
00:13:31,435 --> 00:13:32,770
The guy let me fly his helicopter.

259
00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:34,855
- We know. That's how you died.
- Right.

260
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:37,149
So, you'll all be evaluated,

261
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:42,071
and then a very small group of the most
morally upstanding residents get to go.

262
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:46,325
Oh, I see.
So, it's like a "good deeds" contest?

263
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:48,619
That's easy. I'm gonna crush this.

264
00:13:48,702 --> 00:13:52,164
Oh, and hey, mum's the word, right?
Why tip off my competition?

265
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:57,336
Oops! Looks like you dropped your fork.
Let me get that for you.

266
00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,589
Did you get that? The fork thing?
Or should I start writing these down?

267
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,716
- You're good. We'll keep track.
- Great. Love it.

268
00:14:04,718 --> 00:14:06,595
- Hi, Jason.
- Janet.

269
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,640
I'm so happy to see you.
I got you a box of chocolates.

270
00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:12,977
But then I remembered
you can't eat, so I ate them,

271
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:16,146
and I thought it'd be a nice present
for me to describe them to you.

272
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:19,650
So, the first one was gross...

273
00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:21,318
Jason, um, please just let me talk.

274
00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:25,364
You know that I've been overwhelmed
with work since the neighborhood started.

275
00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,700
- Yup.
- And I asked you to give me some space.

276
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:30,244
Yup.

277
00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:32,037
I'm so sorry to say this...

278
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:36,166
but I can't be
in a relationship with you right now.

279
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:39,044
Being with you is fun,
but it's not always easy,

280
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,255
and I'm afraid it would
endanger the experiment.

281
00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:42,631
It won't though.

282
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,049
Jason, it already has.

283
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:47,219
So, why don't we just take a break
until it's all finished?

284
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:53,851
Also, I hate to pile on, but I feel
like you have a right to know.

285
00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:59,565
The Jacksonville Jaguars
cut Blake Bortles.

286
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:03,569
He's not on the team anymore.
I am genuinely sorry.

287
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:12,369
Hi, how are you?

288
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,121
Nice to see you. Enjoy your yogurt.

289
00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:17,207
Problem is, now he's saddled
with a bad motivation.

290
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,626
His points won't go up

291
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:21,128
if the only reason he's being nice
is to make his points go up.

292
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:24,882
Yeah. But that was also my situation
when I first asked Chidi for help.

293
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:27,343
I only did it so you wouldn't catch me.

294
00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:28,761
We have to hope that over time,

295
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:31,013
Brent starts doing good things
out of habit.

296
00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:34,141
Just like you.

297
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,771
Hey, I just realized something.

298
00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:42,942
That whole "You're the only one
who can save us" speech.

299
00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:46,362
You didn't actually have
a nervous breakdown on day one, did you?

300
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:49,406
You faked it,
so that I would step up and take over.

301
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:54,954
- Guilty.
- You tricky devil. Very clever.

302
00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:59,833
All right. Time to go help
Simone and Chidi.

303
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:03,837
Oof! Why did I come up with this idea?
This is gonna hurt real bad.

304
00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:05,839
I know. I know.
But I think it's gonna work.

305
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:08,467
Yeah, but it's gonna suck for me.

306
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:11,428
You sure there's no other
girl from Arizona who can do this?

307
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:14,765
What about Emma Stone?
She's from there. She's very capable.

308
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:18,268
Remember her in <i>Zombieland?</i>
And <i>La La Land?</i>

309
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:20,229
What's with all her movies
ending with "land"?

310
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:22,106
- You're stalling.
- Yup. Heading out.

311
00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:26,068
Oh, Jason, I'm so sorry.

312
00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:28,404
Janet was my whole afterlife.

313
00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:31,073
How am I gonna get over her?

314
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:33,951
I used to have a breakup routine
when a relationship ended.

315
00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:37,079
Champagne and Alanis Morissette.

316
00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:38,330
Not the actual singer.

317
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,750
I just listened to her albums
at my friend Adele's house.

318
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:45,337
I guess I could do
my normal breakup routine.

319
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:48,882
Drink a ton of Mountain Dew, steal an ATV

320
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:50,801
and ride it through a Panda Express.

321
00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:54,179
But then I'd have to ask Janet
for the Mountain Dew and the ATV,

322
00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:57,307
and then I'd have to see Janet,
and then I'd start crying.

323
00:16:57,391 --> 00:17:00,394
- What do I do?
- I honestly don't know.

324
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:04,481
But whatever you do,
you'll be doing it with your friends.

325
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:12,156
And I didn't even get to tell you
about the Blake Bortles part.

326
00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:17,995
So, Chidi, do you remember that woman
Simone from the party the other night?

327
00:17:18,078 --> 00:17:19,705
Simone...

328
00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:22,374
the Third Eye Blind superfan

329
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,501
who walked around
cutting off people's ponytails?

330
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:26,045
That's the one.

331
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:29,131
Uh, I need your help,
acclimating her to the neighborhood.

332
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:33,802
I've tried, but since she thinks
this whole thing is imaginary,

333
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:37,306
and I'm an authority figure,
I'm extra suspicious.

334
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:39,808
Well, what makes you think
I'd have any more luck?

335
00:17:41,018 --> 00:17:43,395
Chidi, you and Simone...

336
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:46,607
are soulmates.

337
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:52,237
Soulmates? Like our souls are...

338
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:54,198
are...

339
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:55,491
Mates, yes.

340
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:59,203
Everyone has people
that they're cosmically bound to,

341
00:17:59,286 --> 00:18:01,955
and the system brings them together
in the afterlife.

342
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:07,544
And I can say, with complete certainty,
that you and Simone are two such people.

343
00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:11,965
I haven't told her yet.

344
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,176
I wouldn't have told you, ordinarily,

345
00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:16,595
but since she's gone
a little cuckoo bananas...

346
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:19,014
That's the official architect term.

347
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:22,476
Uh, I thought it was prudent
to let you know.

348
00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:24,895
Whoo, boy, uh...

349
00:18:24,978 --> 00:18:26,105
I'm getting a stomachache.

350
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:30,984
But a good one! A happy stomachache!
This is new.

351
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:33,612
There are some great writings

352
00:18:33,695 --> 00:18:37,366
on simulated realities
that might help her adjust.

353
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:38,992
Descartes, Moravec, Zhuang Zhou...

354
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,702
I wonder if I can summon a book
from my apartment.

355
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,165
Well, good luck.

356
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:47,918
This is incredible.

357
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:52,506
I spent my whole life in pursuit
of fundamental truths about the universe,

358
00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:56,385
but I never actually
fell in love with someone.

359
00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:58,345
I know.

360
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:02,683
Oh, right. Of course.
You know everything about me.

361
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:04,685
I do indeed.

362
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:15,612
Hi, Simone.
Uh, Chidi. From the other night.

363
00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:17,865
Oh! Wow.

364
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:20,159
My brain must
really like keeping you around.

365
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:22,703
Have a fake seat
and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist.

366
00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:24,163
Right, um...

367
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:30,294
So, if I understand your state of mind,
it's basically solipsism.

368
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:33,005
You think that you're
the only real thing in the universe,

369
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:36,592
and everything else
stems from your consciousness.

370
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:40,596
Yes, but to be fair, I only think that
because it's true and I'm right.

371
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:46,560
No offense, but solipsism,
as a philosophy, is pretty juvenile,

372
00:19:46,643 --> 00:19:49,771
especially for a person
with multiple advanced degrees.

373
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:52,316
And it's also impossible to refute,

374
00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:56,028
because everything you see
is confirmed by your belief.

375
00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:57,487
However...

376
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:01,491
- Dude!
- What? If none of this is real,

377
00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:03,619
then it really shouldn't matter, right?
In fact...

378
00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:06,955
- Dude!
- What?

379
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,875
It's not real. None of this matters.

380
00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:12,002
Leave that on your nose
for the rest of time.

381
00:20:12,085 --> 00:20:14,630
Fine. Point sort of taken.

382
00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:15,839
You know, in a larger sense,

383
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:18,133
if you go around acting like
no one else matters,

384
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:20,677
then you end up doing things
like knocking over cakes,

385
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:25,057
and pushing people into pools
and just generally acting like a jerk.

386
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:28,727
Why not treat them better,
just in case they're real?

387
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,229
I mean, what do you have to lose

388
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,273
by treating people
with kindness and respect?

389
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:38,403
Okay. Keep talking, probably-fake
but-maybe-real philosopher man.

390
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:45,994
<i>Well, good news,
Simone and Chidi are hitting it off.</i>

391
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:48,914
I mean, I wasn't getting
any use out of him as a boyfriend,

392
00:20:48,997 --> 00:20:51,208
so why not pass him off
to someone in need?

393
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,378
Is this what donating
old bras to Goodwill feels like?

394
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:57,089
It must have been really hard,
lying to Chidi like that.

395
00:20:57,172 --> 00:20:59,383
That's the thing,
I don't know that it was a lie.

396
00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:01,468
They did fall in love on Earth.

397
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:02,761
And Michael was right.

398
00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:06,723
Chidi made a huge sacrifice for us,
and I had to make sure it was worth it.

399
00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:10,227
It's arguable that you made
an even bigger sacrifice.

400
00:21:10,310 --> 00:21:13,105
You actually have to live
with this situation.

401
00:21:13,188 --> 00:21:17,067
Chidi just gets to go around,
blissfully unaware of what he gave up.

402
00:21:17,150 --> 00:21:18,944
Yeah, but we know what he gave up.

403
00:21:20,404 --> 00:21:21,780
Dat ash.

404
00:21:23,365 --> 00:21:26,285
Come on, bud. I know you're down,
but you can't leave me hanging.

405
00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:28,829
You're right. That is the code.