1
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,595
Ugh. All Janet voids are nothing,
2
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:16,975
but Neutral Janet voids
are, like, the most nothing.
3
00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:19,352
Judge, please, please don't cancel Earth.
4
00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:22,063
Why not? The system's broken.
You guys proved it.
5
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:24,858
I just wanna reboot the whole thing
and go back to my chambers.
6
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:30,029
I am on Season Three of Justified,
and can I just tell you, it is so good!
7
00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:32,657
I, like, binged
all of Season Two in a day.
8
00:00:33,241 --> 00:00:36,077
Think of all the amazing human achievement
you'd be eliminating.
9
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:38,872
The works of William Shakespeare,
the pyramids,
10
00:00:38,955 --> 00:00:40,373
-Timothy Olyphant...
11
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,458
Oh, that one stings.
12
00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:45,003
There's like 50 gallons of man
in a ten-gallon hat.
13
00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:47,172
I'm like "Ooh"!
14
00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:50,884
Look, I'm the frickin' Judge,
and I made a frickin' ruling,
15
00:00:50,967 --> 00:00:56,514
and it's gonna frickin' happen, as soon as
I find the frickin' clicker thing!
16
00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:57,807
All right, what do I search for?
17
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:02,145
"Humanity eraser button
garage door opener thingy Judge."
18
00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:03,855
Ugh!
19
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,693
Well, it wasn't in you. Any last words?
20
00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:11,279
These are my last words. End of words.
21
00:01:11,362 --> 00:01:13,114
Yes. Really boring.
22
00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:14,449
Bye!
23
00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:17,744
All right, who's next?
24
00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:20,246
Your dad's pimply butt, you fat dink.
25
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:26,211
That is so interesting, because
last time I checked, I didn't have a dad.
26
00:01:26,294 --> 00:01:31,382
That's why I'm attracted to all the
father figures on the TV shows I watch.
27
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:32,300
M'kay?
28
00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:34,928
We can't play keep-away forever.
29
00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:36,763
Keep trying. Get her to see the light.
30
00:01:36,846 --> 00:01:39,265
I already showed her the light.
She wasn't impressed.
31
00:01:39,349 --> 00:01:41,226
To be fair, she was there
when it was invented.
32
00:01:41,309 --> 00:01:42,769
- Hey, bud.
- Hi!
33
00:01:42,852 --> 00:01:45,522
I know you're trying to think
of ways to save every soul
34
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:46,898
who's ever lived and whatnot, but...
35
00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:49,484
we may only have
a half hour left to exist,
36
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:54,864
so I just wanted to check in with you,
vis-à-vis... us.
37
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,908
Oh! Okay, yeah, cool.
38
00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:57,826
I love you.
39
00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:00,328
- Whoa! Really?
- Yeah.
40
00:02:01,037 --> 00:02:03,289
I love you. So, do you love me?
41
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:04,332
Yeah, I do.
42
00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:06,167
Well, then, cool!
43
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:08,670
-You and I are on our way to Coolsville.
44
00:02:08,753 --> 00:02:14,134
You seem oddly sure, which is unlike you,
but it's kind of doing it for me.
45
00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:15,468
Should we get out of here?
46
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:17,971
No, but I like the confidence.
47
00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:20,181
When you have 1,000
different versions of yourself
48
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,432
over multiple timelines
49
00:02:21,516 --> 00:02:23,852
fused and instantly placed
into your consciousness,
50
00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:25,603
it gives you a real sense of clarity.
51
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:29,274
- You saw the Time Knife, huh?
- Yep, saw the Time Knife.
52
00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:31,025
-It was neat.
53
00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:34,320
Okay! Let's save humanity, shall we?
54
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,615
Can one of you Janets get me a chalkboard
55
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:40,952
and a copy of Judith Shklar's
Ordinary Vices? Oh!
56
00:02:41,035 --> 00:02:42,495
And maybe some warm pretzels?
57
00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:45,582
If we goin' out, I'm goin' out
with a belly full of warm pretzels.
58
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:46,541
Yummy, yum-yum.
59
00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:48,168
Yummy!
60
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:58,553
Okay, before we try to completely redesign
the entire afterlife,
61
00:02:58,636 --> 00:03:02,599
has anyone just thought of a good reason
the Judge shouldn't cancel Earth?
62
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,225
Because it would be a bummer.
63
00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:05,810
Yeah. We might need more than that.
64
00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,562
Are you at least gonna write it down?
65
00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:09,564
Yeah, all right.
66
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:14,360
Did you actually write it down
or did you just do a scribble-scrabble?
67
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:15,945
Okay. We need to think bigger.
68
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,615
We need to come up with
an entirely new afterlife system
69
00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:23,286
that both the Good and Bad Places
agree on, which... seems impossible.
70
00:03:23,369 --> 00:03:26,289
Nonsense. Compromise is always possible.
71
00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:30,335
I was once in Portofino with Bruno Mars,
LeBron James and Dr. Ruth Westheimer...
72
00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:31,794
We don't have time for this, babe.
73
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:35,131
Fine. Long story short,
LeBron performed a successful tracheotomy,
74
00:03:35,214 --> 00:03:38,384
the song won multiple Grammys
and everyone was really happy.
75
00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:39,886
Well, now I wanna hear the story.
76
00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:41,763
No, you're right. Let's focus.
77
00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:45,099
So, in this essay,
"Putting Cruelty First,"
78
00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:48,978
Judith Shklar contends
that we should consider cruelty
79
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,813
as society's primary flaw.
80
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,857
I'm sorry, are you wearing roller skates?
81
00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:54,275
Yeah!
82
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:55,568
I got 'em from Disco Janet.
83
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:56,486
Thanks, Disco Janet!
84
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:57,403
Solid!
85
00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:58,905
Anyway, here's her point.
86
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,782
Imagine someone sells a joint
87
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:03,785
and then gets locked away
in a dangerous prison for years.
88
00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:06,913
The crime isn't cruel,
but the punishment is.
89
00:04:06,996 --> 00:04:07,872
That's a problem.
90
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:08,790
Tell me about it.
91
00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:11,709
I once went to jail for a week
just because I stole a hot dog.
92
00:04:12,543 --> 00:04:14,087
Well, a hot dog-shaped car.
93
00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:15,588
I stole the Wienermobile.
94
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,590
This is the problem
with the current system.
95
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:19,467
Live anything less than
the most exemplary life,
96
00:04:19,550 --> 00:04:22,136
and you are brutally tortured forever,
with no recourse.
97
00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:23,763
The cruelty of the punishment
98
00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:26,933
does not match the cruelty
of the life that one has lived.
99
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:28,851
Now, watch this spin.
100
00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:32,563
So, we need to come up with a system
101
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:35,441
that will result in the least amount
of cruelty and suffering
102
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:36,401
to those who don't deserve it.
103
00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:38,194
This is a problem of justice.
104
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:47,829
Hearing you talk about
philosophical concepts of justice is sexy.
105
00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:49,330
- You wanna get out of here?
- Yes.
106
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:50,790
No, keep going.
107
00:04:50,873 --> 00:04:52,709
-Ugh!
108
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,627
Bad Janet voids are the worst.
109
00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:57,171
-Music off.
110
00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,381
Oh, right. I forgot.
111
00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:00,425
-Make it louder.
112
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:02,677
What if you start humanity over
from scratch
113
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:06,139
and humans evolve over millions of years
and they end up worse?
114
00:05:06,222 --> 00:05:09,934
What if they invent rap rock sooner
and it becomes the only kind of music?
115
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:12,687
Do you really want to oversee
an entire world of Limp Bizkits,
116
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:14,564
run by Emperor Kid Rock?
117
00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:15,648
Not my problem.
118
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:17,900
All right, here we go.
119
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,360
"Software update"?
120
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:20,903
No. Cancel.
121
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:21,988
Why is it doing it now?
122
00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:25,366
-Argh, this computer sucks.
123
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:32,332
Okay, mama. See you in the next life.
124
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:33,499
Before you marbleize me,
125
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:36,711
can I just make one final statement
to summarize how I really feel?
126
00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:38,087
I think I know where this is going.
127
00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:51,893
Okay, Disco Janet. You're up.
128
00:05:51,976 --> 00:05:52,935
Outta sight.
129
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,312
What are you guys
still doing here?
130
00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:56,856
Just go back to Mindy's
and have a lukewarm beer,
131
00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:58,149
and wait for me to end you there.
132
00:05:58,232 --> 00:05:59,650
Except for you, cookie-puss.
133
00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:02,236
I'll always make room for you.
134
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:06,240
Wait a second... that's it.
135
00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:07,158
I agree.
136
00:06:07,241 --> 00:06:09,535
Chidi should hook up with the Judge
to get us out of trouble.
137
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:10,578
I've done that a bunch of times.
138
00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:11,829
It's called a Jacksonville Plea Bargain.
139
00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,915
No. Mindy's house.
140
00:06:13,998 --> 00:06:16,793
Eleanor always thought
there should be a Medium Place,
141
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:19,962
for people who led medium lives.
That's the answer.
142
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:22,131
We make the Medium Place a third option.
143
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,216
Of course!
144
00:06:23,299 --> 00:06:26,385
Maybe if you score
negative points on Earth, um...
145
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:29,097
"Sorry, ya blew it.
Enjoy having your penis flattened."
146
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:32,141
Over a million or whatever... party time!
147
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:36,229
And everyone else in between
gets their own, personal Cincinnati.
148
00:06:36,312 --> 00:06:39,690
It's definitely less cruel than
the current system, but it's not great.
149
00:06:40,274 --> 00:06:42,610
It might be the best we can do,
given the circumstances.
150
00:06:42,693 --> 00:06:44,195
Let's try to sell it to the brass.
151
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:46,948
Hello, all.
152
00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:50,076
Thought since the universe is ending,
you'd be less... cheery.
153
00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:53,788
Hard not to be cheery when you're eating
this delicious frozen yogurt.
154
00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:55,623
I got a small amount of each flavor.
155
00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:57,708
It's the only way to ensure
a mouthful of compromise.
156
00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,418
- You are so right.
- Well said!
157
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,546
Shut up. Shut up.
158
00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:02,713
Hi.
159
00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:03,673
Shut up.
160
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:04,924
I'm confident now.
161
00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:06,801
Sorry. We're just short on time.
162
00:07:06,884 --> 00:07:11,597
Look, we have a new idea about how humans
could be placed in the afterlife...
163
00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:13,141
We love it. We're in.
164
00:07:13,724 --> 00:07:14,767
You don't even want to hear it?
165
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,769
Nope. If you guys came up with it,
it must be good.
166
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,730
- Oh, yeah.
- Guys, they said yes. Let's take the win.
167
00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:21,482
Now, all we have to do is convince Shawn.
168
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:22,567
I'll take the lead.
169
00:07:22,650 --> 00:07:25,027
If I can convince Dr. Ruth
not to sue Bruno Mars
170
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:27,530
over songwriting credit on "Uptown Funk,"
I can handle this.
171
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:30,158
Okay, you gotta tell me
that story on the way.
172
00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:34,745
So, anyone who doesn't meet the threshold
for the new Medium Place neighborhood
173
00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:35,872
is yours for the taking.
174
00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:38,416
The Bad Place still has
plenty of people to torture.
175
00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:41,544
I have to admit, this does make sense,
176
00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:43,921
and I like that your side
is settling for a crappy deal,
177
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:45,882
while my side stays mostly the same.
178
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,218
What the hell? I'm in.
179
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,638
- Really?
- No!
180
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:54,265
You actually believed me?
181
00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:58,603
Dude, in 20 minutes, all of humanity
is going to be erased forever.
182
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:01,647
- And?
- The Bad Place will get emptied out, too.
183
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:05,860
You will have no one to torture
for billions of years. Everyone loses.
184
00:08:05,943 --> 00:08:08,863
Oh, I know, but here's the thing.
185
00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:14,202
I don't care if everyone loses,
as long as you lose.
186
00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,287
Shawn, listen to reason.
187
00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:17,205
Why should I?
188
00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:19,248
None of this would have happened
if you hadn't mucked around
189
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,585
with your neighborhood and your new ideas.
190
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:25,087
New ideas are gross. They sicken me.
191
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:29,717
Shawn, you used to be cool,
but you've changed, man.
192
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,428
I'm gonna go write an evil speech
for when this is all over.
193
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:35,515
It is gonna be so... long.
194
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:41,979
♪ You can ring my bell ♪
195
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:43,356
Whoo!
196
00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:51,572
-Wait a second.
197
00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:52,657
What was I doing?
198
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:55,451
I'll tell ya what you were doing.
You were tearin' up the dance floor.
199
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,120
No. I was looking for
the stupid clicker thingy.
200
00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:00,540
Gah! Those infectious disco grooves!
201
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:02,833
So, wait, wait, wait.
202
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,961
We have this amazing new idea
and Shawn is almost on board.
203
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,672
Maybe if you talked to him,
you could nudge him towards an agreement.
204
00:09:07,755 --> 00:09:08,798
I don't take sides.
205
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:13,010
I am the Judge. My only concerns
are fairness and impartiality.
206
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:19,433
♪ Gonna erase the Earth
Erase the Earth ♪
207
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:21,936
That song is really my jam.
208
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:25,356
-Humanity eraser thingy.
209
00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:31,445
Well, later, skater.
210
00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:32,905
Keep on truckin'.
211
00:09:34,198 --> 00:09:35,032
Next!
212
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,578
Even for a demon,
Shawn is being a real knob.
213
00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:41,455
Guys, I know what we have to offer him
to get him to change his mind.
214
00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:42,456
What?
215
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:46,794
Something he wants.
Once we figure that out, we're golden.
216
00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:48,504
It's pointless.
217
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:52,258
He's so focused on beating us
that he's willing to burn everything down.
218
00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:54,010
There's nothing we can offer him.
219
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:56,095
Actually, there is something he wants.
220
00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:58,598
Cruelty.
221
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,683
So, let's give it to him.
222
00:10:07,898 --> 00:10:09,900
Hey, guys. Just smashing some stuff.
223
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:12,945
- What's up?
- Listen, demon.
224
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,447
We know how much you want us to lose.
225
00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:16,699
So, we volunteer to lose, permanently.
226
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:20,494
If you agree to let the Judge establish
a real Medium Place...
227
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,123
you can torture the four of us forever.
228
00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:25,875
- Really?
- Yeah.
229
00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:28,252
This is a classic trolley problem.
230
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:31,380
One of your boys sets off a stink-bomb
on the trolley, causing a commotion,
231
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:34,467
so the rest of the crew can pickpocket
people as they run off the train.
232
00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:37,428
That's very wrong,
but in a roundabout way,
233
00:10:37,511 --> 00:10:39,680
you kinda got where you needed to be.
234
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,682
I'll even give you a head start
on my torture.
235
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:43,434
I cannot pull off the mod look.
236
00:10:43,517 --> 00:10:44,685
You can take me, too.
237
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:48,689
I couldn't live with myself knowing
you four were down there without me.
238
00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:52,568
Wow! This is a toughie.
239
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,988
On one hand, I would love to get
some spiders in those buttholes.
240
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:59,492
On the other, there'd be billions
of buttholes going completely un-spidered.
241
00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:03,537
How about this: everyone who dies
goes to the Bad Place
242
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,956
and I get to torture all of you?
243
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,208
Sounds good to us.
244
00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:08,793
No, dummies.
245
00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:12,004
That's already how it works,
except we're also tortured.
246
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:13,923
Look, I put forward a proposal.
247
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,800
Are you not even going to negotiate?
248
00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:18,135
He's got a point.
The fair thing for us to do is
249
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:21,055
just keep on giving up
more and more stuff we want, unilaterally,
250
00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:22,598
until this demon is finally happy.
251
00:11:22,681 --> 00:11:23,933
Fork this!
252
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:26,727
If we're gonna lose,
let's lose on our own terms.
253
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:31,399
Let's come up with a completely new idea
that actually makes the universe better.
254
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:34,068
Amen. At least then
we can hold our heads high.
255
00:11:34,151 --> 00:11:36,153
Okay, we need to come up with
256
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:38,739
-our ideal plan in about ten minutes.
257
00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:41,242
Guys, it's all come to this.
258
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:43,994
Everything we've been through,
259
00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:48,958
the multiple lives you led on Earth,
all the lives you led here,
260
00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:51,627
all the ethics training and lessons,
261
00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:55,589
and journeys to the farthest corners
of the afterlife,
262
00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:59,552
all happened so that
we could be here, together,
263
00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:02,805
as the very best versions of ourselves,
264
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:07,351
to solve the ultimate problem
in the nick of time.
265
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,437
Cool speech. Now, it's nine minutes.
266
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,274
Chidi, can you do this?
267
00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:16,277
Actually, what you just said,
"the very best versions of ourselves,"
268
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,403
gave me an idea.
269
00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:20,156
Ha! Turns out it was a cool speech.
270
00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:25,035
Not in you, either.
271
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:27,204
- I just have one thing left to say.
- Beh-beh-beh.
272
00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:29,790
- No...
- Not falling for that again.
273
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,668
Man. She is committed.
274
00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:35,045
That just leaves you.
275
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:37,423
Your Honor, we have an idea
we'd like to present.
276
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:39,049
Not interested, stretch.
277
00:12:40,342 --> 00:12:42,595
How can we convince her of our plan
if she won't even listen?
278
00:12:42,678 --> 00:12:45,681
Well, if she's not gonna stay out here,
you gotta go in there.
279
00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:48,267
But that didn't really work great
last time.
280
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:49,268
Yeah, it wasn't amazing,
281
00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:52,438
but she's gonna marbleize me in
two minutes, so we might as well try.
282
00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:53,481
Are we all gonna be...
283
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:55,691
- you, again?
- I don't think so.
284
00:12:55,774 --> 00:12:57,943
Going through that once
changed me and all of you.
285
00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:00,237
But if the Judge wasn't going to
listen to us out here,
286
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,698
what makes you think
she'll listen to us in there?
287
00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:04,950
I know one thing
that might keep her attention.
288
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:11,874
Idiots.
289
00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:17,880
Oh, nuts!
290
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,174
How did I fall for that?
291
00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:21,634
Please have a seat, Your Honor.
292
00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:24,428
I already told you, I am not interested.
293
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,805
Give me one reason
why I should hear you out.
294
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:27,723
Okay.
295
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:29,266
Here he is.
296
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:32,561
Ma'am.
297
00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:39,109
You made me an Olyphant?
298
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:41,737
I think you should hear them out, Judge.
Only seems fair.
299
00:13:42,404 --> 00:13:43,864
Yeah, you're probably right.
300
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,533
Well played, Janet.
301
00:13:45,616 --> 00:13:49,662
I don't mind taking in the view
when the scenery is so pretty.
302
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:52,206
- Aw!
- Oh, I should call Shawn for this.
303
00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:54,917
Aw, man!
304
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,419
I had just gotten all the puppies
to climb into the cannon.
305
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:58,546
All right.
306
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,464
Floor is yours.
307
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:02,424
So, the problem with the afterlife
308
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:05,970
is not only that it's cruel,
but that it's final.
309
00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:09,473
You get one shot on Earth, and regardless
of the context of your life,
310
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:12,810
you're placed somewhere,
usually the Bad Place, forever,
311
00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:14,853
with no chance for redemption.
312
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:18,566
My neighborhood was built to
torture humans, but it made them better.
313
00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:22,444
We want to create a system
that works that way intentionally,
314
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,823
a system designed to give people
a fighting chance.
315
00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:26,949
- In time...
- Huh?
316
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,118
- Interesting.
- Oh.
317
00:14:29,785 --> 00:14:31,078
Why don't you walk us through it?
318
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,330
Yeah, we're gonna, man. Just chill.
319
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:38,377
Your time on Earth won't be
a test that you either pass or fail,
320
00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:42,798
but instead a class you take,
and the test will come in the afterlife.
321
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,383
The first part stays the same.
322
00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:48,262
You live your life, screw up
a bunch of stuff, like, a lot of stuff,
323
00:14:48,345 --> 00:14:53,267
to the point where people are like,
"This is messed up, even for Florida."
324
00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:55,978
But you can't hear them,
because you fell into the swamp
325
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:59,023
trying to spray-paint a Taco Bell logo
on a snapping turtle.
326
00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:01,066
Uh, we rest our case, Your Honor.
327
00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,735
- No! No, we...
- No, no, no. No, we don't.
328
00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:04,153
We barely started.
329
00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:07,865
Uh, so, when you die,
you still have a points total,
330
00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:11,660
but in the new system, that number
will serve as a sort of baseline
331
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:16,332
to determine how hard or easy
your test is.
332
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:18,876
Sorry, I'm just trying
to play catch-up here.
333
00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:21,879
Who's designing these tests, exactly?
334
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:26,800
A Good Place architect and
a Bad Place architect will work together
335
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:30,596
to design a scenario to make you confront
your moral shortcomings.
336
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:35,517
Like Eleanor's selfishness, Jason's
impulsivity, Chidi's indecisiveness
337
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,895
and my complete inability
to carry off a mod look.
338
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:40,898
- That's not...
- I know I have other faults,
339
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:42,524
but that is a big one.
340
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,026
The test could be anything.
341
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:46,904
Maybe you show up and you're told
you're in the Good Place,
342
00:15:46,987 --> 00:15:48,739
but you know that it's a mistake.
343
00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:51,742
Maybe the test
looks just like your regular life
344
00:15:51,825 --> 00:15:54,078
or a twisted version of your life.
345
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:56,830
You're presented with these challenges.
346
00:15:56,914 --> 00:16:02,544
You do well or badly, but at the end,
you're given a sort of evaluation.
347
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,673
Yeah, and the architects explain
what you did badly, what you did well,
348
00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:08,425
and then you get rebooted,
and do it again,
349
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:11,387
and again and again until you ace it.
350
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:13,305
- In the new...
- Oh, hang on.
351
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:18,352
It seems to me, if y'all get rebooted,
your memories'll be wiped out.
352
00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:19,645
How are you ever gonna learn anything
353
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:21,480
if you're always
having to start from scratch?
354
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,857
- Mmm-hmm.
- Good point, Timothy Olyphant.
355
00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:25,526
- Tim's fine.
- 'Kay, great.
356
00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:28,737
In the new system,
you will retain a vague memory
357
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:31,615
of what you learned
in the evaluation sessions.
358
00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:36,078
That information, what you did well
or badly, stays with you, like...
359
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,206
Like a little voice in your head,
360
00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:41,667
helping you become
a better version of yourself.
361
00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:43,794
Okay, that helps. Thank you.
362
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,714
So, our guess is that
with enough chances,
363
00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:50,259
people will eventually make enough good
choices to qualify for the Good Place,
364
00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:52,261
and maybe some never will,
365
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:54,680
but that's okay,
because everyone gets a fair shot.
366
00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:57,474
Hold the phone.
What are my demons doing this whole time?
367
00:16:57,558 --> 00:17:00,728
I have millions of lava monsters
down there who'll be out of a job.
368
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:04,356
I ask you, into whose throats
are they supposed to pour lava?
369
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,776
Well, bad news is,
no more throat lava or penis flattenings.
370
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,404
Then, what are we doing to their penises?
371
00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:12,114
Well, largely ignoring them.
372
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,451
You guys are hearing this.
I'm not crazy, right?
373
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:16,702
No, I mean, it's a fair question.
374
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,537
Whose side are you on, man?
375
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:21,040
I don't have a dog in this fight,
little lady.
376
00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:22,583
I'm just looking for clarity.
377
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,126
Shawn, you'll all still have jobs.
378
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:27,546
Bad Place architects
help design the tests.
379
00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:30,132
Rank and file demons, they'll play roles,
380
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:32,468
just like they did
in my original neighborhood.
381
00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:34,636
And remember how much fun
you had playing the Judge?
382
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,097
I don't know, guys.
You think this'll work?
383
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,974
It sort of already has.
384
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:43,979
Chidi just had 800 versions of himself
stuffed into his soul at the same time.
385
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:47,191
I mean, he's a new man.
He's way cooler now.
386
00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:50,569
Uh, I liked the old version, too,
but not as much.
387
00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:52,071
It's not just Chidi, Your Honor.
388
00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:53,864
When I started
in Michael's first neighborhood,
389
00:17:53,947 --> 00:17:57,117
I was nothing more than
a PalmPilot in a cool vest,
390
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,577
but look at me now.
391
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:01,163
I can hold four humans in my void
392
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:04,083
and conjure Timothy Olyphant
in the blink of an eye.
393
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:08,003
Getting rebooted over and over made me
a better not-a-person than I've ever been.
394
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:10,380
Humans should get the same opportunity.
395
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:13,926
Well?
396
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:21,391
Hmm.
397
00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:22,476
Pass!
398
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,896
Well, guys,
I really thought you had it.
399
00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:29,024
It has been a genuine pleasure, sweetie.
400
00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:30,859
Oh.
401
00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:40,702
♪ Gonna erase the Earth
Erase the Earth ♪
402
00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:45,082
I hid the clicker as far away as possible,
but we are seconds away.
403
00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:46,542
I'm so sorry, guys.
404
00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:47,668
Where did Shawn go?
405
00:18:47,751 --> 00:18:50,087
Oh, don't bother.
He's just toying with us.
406
00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:52,714
I know. That's what gives me hope.
407
00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:57,678
Had to do it one last time
before all this goes away for good.
408
00:18:57,761 --> 00:19:01,181
- So, what are you offering me now?
- Nothing. It's over.
409
00:19:01,265 --> 00:19:03,433
-That was our last idea.
410
00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:04,351
Good.
411
00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:06,728
Soon, all your precious humans
will be gone.
412
00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:09,565
Yeah. It's too bad.
413
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:14,111
Well, congrats, bud. You won.
See you in a billion years.
414
00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:17,948
When humans evolve again, I'll be
right back at your throat, you traitor!
415
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:20,409
I mean, yeah, I know.
416
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:23,162
That's why I said,
"See you in a billion years."
417
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,079
Wait.
418
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:26,498
I'm gonna do the evil speech now.
419
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:27,541
If you want.
420
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:31,753
"Since the dawn of time,
421
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:34,673
good and evil have waged a furious battle,
stemming from..."
422
00:19:34,756 --> 00:19:36,425
This feels stupid
if you're not gonna fight back.
423
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:39,553
How do you not have another plan?
You've always had another plan.
424
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:41,013
What's wrong, Shawn?
425
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,225
Okay, fine.
426
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:47,186
You're gonna make me admit it.
427
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,897
Fighting you is the most fun
I've ever had.
428
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:50,856
I mean, you know.
429
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:52,941
You corkscrew your first eyeball,
and you're like,
430
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:56,111
"Man, I can't believe
they're paying me to do this!"
431
00:19:56,195 --> 00:20:00,032
But by the trillionth, it's like,
"I should have just been a teacher."
432
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:03,869
And then you go and get the warm fuzzies
about your little humans, and something...
433
00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:05,621
something changed.
434
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:07,789
I was having fun again.
435
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,044
I'm not sure I'm ready for that to end.
436
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:13,503
I know, buddy.
437
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:18,175
It's hard when things end,
but one way or the other, this is over.
438
00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:21,386
The only question is, what's next?
439
00:20:23,138 --> 00:20:27,768
I heard your speech at Demon-Con.
You know this system stinks.
440
00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:31,396
You wouldn't have let me try the original
experiment if things were working.
441
00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:33,774
Let's try a new way.
442
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,359
Together.
443
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:41,657
Okay, finally.
444
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:45,160
For the last time,
I, the Judge of the afterlife...
445
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:46,995
- Hang on, Your Honor.
- Argh!
446
00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:48,538
Are you kidding me?
447
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:51,583
Can't a gal just end
all of humanity one time
448
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:54,086
without everyone getting
all up on her junk?
449
00:20:54,169 --> 00:20:57,381
- What is it, man?
- Shawn has agreed to our proposal.
450
00:20:57,464 --> 00:20:59,883
- Wait, seriously?
- In principle, yes.
451
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:02,261
- Still some kinks to work in.
- Out.
452
00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:04,137
Out. Sorry, old habits.
453
00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:06,473
But I think we can find a way
to make it work.
454
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:07,391
Guys, watch this!
455
00:21:07,474 --> 00:21:09,601
- Jason!
- No, no, no.
456
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,646
Sorry. Jeez!
457
00:21:13,313 --> 00:21:14,648
Okay, well...
458
00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:20,237
assuming we are redesigning the entire
afterlife according to this plan,
459
00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:22,531
what do we do first?
460
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:29,037
Oh, don't look at me.
I'm... I'm just the idea guy.