1
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:11,553
Michael designs
the new neighborhood.
2
00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:12,804
Bad Place gets to choose
the four new humans.
3
00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:15,140
The other residents will be Janet babies.
4
00:00:15,223 --> 00:00:16,766
You know,
if we pooled our resources,
5
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:19,185
we could be done
in two shakes of a lamb's Derek.
6
00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:20,311
Thanks, Derek.
7
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:22,939
When you fail, the four humans
will be tortured for all eternity.
8
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,150
But guess who's going to be
doing the torturing?
9
00:00:25,233 --> 00:00:26,526
We built a Michael suit.
10
00:00:26,609 --> 00:00:28,820
I can't do it. It's too scary.
11
00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:30,864
Hi, John. I'm the architect.
12
00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:32,032
Come on in.
13
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,367
The Bad Place
didn't pick the worst people.
14
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:38,246
They picked the people
who would be the worst for us.
15
00:00:38,329 --> 00:00:40,623
You need to erase my memory and reboot me.
16
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:42,167
Hi, Chidi. I'm Eleanor.
17
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:43,668
Come on in.
18
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:50,091
Wow. Just "wow." It's perfect.
19
00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:54,596
Everything is just perfect.
I am so, so happy!
20
00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:56,139
I'm glad you like it.
21
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:57,515
It's so quaint.
22
00:00:57,599 --> 00:01:01,478
It feels cozy
but also vibrant and limitless.
23
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:05,565
I can't believe how utterly,
completely, 100% perfect
24
00:01:05,648 --> 00:01:07,192
- everything is.
- You know, let's keep this moving.
25
00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:08,443
Oh, yeah, sure.
26
00:01:08,526 --> 00:01:10,028
Here is your new home,
27
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:13,823
complete with two of your favorite things,
floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and...
28
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,159
Reading lights! I love reading lights.
29
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:17,327
They're great for reading.
30
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:18,703
And, oh, check this out.
31
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:22,540
Um, hold out your hand...
and think about a book.
32
00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:30,965
I can summon philosophy books
like Thor's hammer.
33
00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:32,926
This is literally my number one dream.
34
00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:33,968
Also...
35
00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:34,928
Ow!
36
00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:35,845
That hurt.
37
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,639
Well, I have a lot
to attend to, um...
38
00:01:38,389 --> 00:01:39,599
Welcome to the Good Place, Chidi.
39
00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:40,934
Thank you so much.
40
00:01:41,017 --> 00:01:45,980
Uh, and I'm sorry, this has been
so overwhelming, I forgot your name.
41
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,734
- Eleanor.
- Eleanor. Right.
42
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:52,195
Sorry. Eleanor. Eleanor. Eleanor.
Now I'll never forget.
43
00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:54,280
Well, ya might!
44
00:01:58,743 --> 00:02:00,995
- Okay, can we not...
- Oh, Eleanor.
45
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:03,414
You did a brave thing
and I am embracing you.
46
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,333
And I shall not let you go.
47
00:02:05,416 --> 00:02:07,168
And I am also embracing you
48
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:09,796
because this feels warm
and my hands are cold.
49
00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,047
Guys, I'm good!
50
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,716
Honestly, it wasn't
even as bad as I thought.
51
00:02:14,342 --> 00:02:16,010
I mean, who cares
if he doesn't remember my name?
52
00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,220
Oof.
53
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:19,055
I mean, "cool-f."
54
00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:20,932
Good save, bud.
55
00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:23,393
Let's just concentrate
on the next resident,
56
00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:25,645
who gets here in six minutes.
57
00:02:26,604 --> 00:02:28,523
Wait. I need to say something.
58
00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:30,233
I know this seems bleak,
59
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:34,571
and it feels like we're all doomed,
and therefore humanity is doomed.
60
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,156
You needed to say that?
61
00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:39,576
The point is, I believe
that we're destined to succeed.
62
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:42,996
There is nothing that the Bad Place
can throw at us that we can't handle.
63
00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:47,208
Because we are an incredible,
inspiring, brilliant group of...
64
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:50,253
Supercharged D-bag ass-wiping maniacs.
65
00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:51,462
I mean, look at you!
66
00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:57,176
I am so proud of how disgusting
and cruel you all are.
67
00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:58,595
You suck.
68
00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:02,891
You all suck donkey butts.
69
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:06,936
Tahani, so... so smart and sophisticated.
70
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,814
She was the only one who was able
to talk me out of that goatee.
71
00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:11,816
Well, I lost that battle
with Robert Downey Jr.,
72
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,651
and I'll be damned if I lose it with you.
73
00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:16,029
- Bambadjan, such an unbelievable dingus.
- Thanks.
74
00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:19,240
And Val.
Who's a bigger skid mark than Val?
75
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:20,491
Maybe your mom.
76
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,245
Classic.
77
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:28,333
We have Janet,
who can do literally anything.
78
00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:31,794
She made all the other people
in the neighborhood.
79
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:32,712
Not people.
80
00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:37,091
We have me, who had a momentary setback,
but I'm feeling great now,
81
00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:38,176
and that was a while ago.
82
00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:40,553
Most of you don't even remember it,
probably.
83
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,682
We have Jason, who can...
84
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:51,773
And marching us into battle,
our fearless leader,
85
00:03:51,856 --> 00:03:56,319
the pride of Phoenix, Arizona,
Eleanor Shellstrop!
86
00:03:57,362 --> 00:04:01,407
Technically, the Pride of Phoenix
is a life-size statue of Alice Cooper
87
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,034
made from cigarette butts.
88
00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:04,452
It's outside City Hall.
89
00:04:04,535 --> 00:04:06,663
But thank you for the kind words.
90
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:10,458
With this team,
there's no problem we can't solve.
91
00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:12,627
There is no problem we can't create.
92
00:04:12,710 --> 00:04:16,381
And believe me,
we are gonna create some problems.
93
00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:19,801
So let's kick things off
with our official Bad Place song!
94
00:04:19,884 --> 00:04:22,971
1 877 Kars for Kids
95
00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:26,432
K-A-R-S Kars for Kids
96
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:27,725
Ooh, are we singing?
97
00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:28,893
Shut up, Glenn.
98
00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:36,734
I think you look great.
99
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:39,904
Professional, serious,
a proper team leader.
100
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:43,366
Does make me feel authoritative,
like that chick from Law and Order.
101
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:49,080
"Well, boys, looks like
we've got ourselves an SVU."
102
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,416
I've never seen the show.
103
00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:53,751
Okay. Who we got next?
104
00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,965
Linda? Come on in.
105
00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:04,095
So, you, Linda Johannsen,
are in the Good Place.
106
00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:06,097
That's nice.
107
00:05:07,515 --> 00:05:10,893
I know this can be a little overwhelming,
but you'll get used to it.
108
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:13,187
Do you have any questions?
109
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:15,481
Is there a fitness center?
110
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:16,941
There can be,
111
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:21,696
plus literally anything else
you could possibly wish for.
112
00:05:21,779 --> 00:05:25,908
Just in case we weren't clear,
this is the Good Place.
113
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,744
A state of eternal happiness.
114
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,121
Paradise.
115
00:05:30,913 --> 00:05:32,165
That's nice.
116
00:05:33,249 --> 00:05:34,584
I like that.
117
00:05:36,919 --> 00:05:39,464
So, the Bad Place sent Simone
to mess with Chidi,
118
00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:40,631
John to mess with Tahani...
119
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,925
Do you think they sent Linda
to mess with Jason?
120
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:46,387
She's from Norway.
Is Norway, like, the opposite of Florida?
121
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:48,014
All I know is she's boring.
122
00:05:48,097 --> 00:05:51,309
She makes Neutral Janet
look like Disco Janet.
123
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:54,604
Disco Janet was around
for a while years ago.
124
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,022
She was great.
125
00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:58,608
I mean, she was a lot, but she was fun.
126
00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:01,986
Actually, that's a good idea.
Let's unload this dead weight.
127
00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:03,446
- Janet?
- Hi, there!
128
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,073
Linda, this is Janet.
129
00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:08,534
If you want anything at all,
Janet can bring it to you. Watch.
130
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:12,997
Janet, can I have a baby elephant
made of pure light
131
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,708
that tells you true secrets
about the universe?
132
00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:19,253
- Shirley Temple killed JFK.
- See?
133
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:20,588
Anything you want from Janet?
134
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,801
Can I have... a peppermint?
135
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:26,052
Sure!
136
00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:30,598
I'm going to go over there now.
137
00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:35,895
Stonehenge was a sex thing.
138
00:06:42,401 --> 00:06:44,320
Brent, come on in.
139
00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:49,158
So, you, Brent Norwalk, are dead.
140
00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:51,911
Really? Well, that blows.
141
00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:53,704
Uh, you know what?
Maybe it's a good thing, actually.
142
00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:55,081
Some journalist was poking around,
143
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:56,874
calling all these ladies
who used to work for me.
144
00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:58,417
You can't even make a joke these days.
145
00:06:58,501 --> 00:06:59,544
Everything is so PC.
146
00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:02,088
And I was an equal opportunity
offender, okay?
147
00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:03,172
I made jokes about everybody.
148
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,925
And, by the way,
I'm the furthest thing from racist.
149
00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:07,802
My dentist was a black woman.
150
00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,012
I just think people need to loosen up.
151
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,681
So, where am I exactly?
152
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,475
The Good Place.
153
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,145
Cool. Good.
154
00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:22,108
So, Brent, I see from your file
you were in the materials business.
155
00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:23,568
Oh, yeah. Big time.
156
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:27,321
Strings, cords,
vinyl, synthetics, rubber...
157
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:28,823
We do vulcanized now, so that's huge.
158
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,243
Plus metals. Aluminum, brass, copper.
What else?
159
00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:34,537
- Steel?
- No, not steel.
160
00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:35,746
Steel's a sucker's game.
161
00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,457
Polymers, coatings, internals...
162
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:40,960
You crack open an HVAC, that is all us.
163
00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:42,670
Is there golf here?
There freakin' better be.
164
00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:46,757
Okay, well, why don't you
explore around a bit while I go far away?
165
00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:49,594
And if you need anything,
you can always ask Janet.
166
00:07:49,677 --> 00:07:51,471
- Janet?
- Hi, there! How can I help you?
167
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,347
A secretary. Great.
168
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,767
- Not a secretary.
- Fine. Executive assistant.
169
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:59,145
Here we go with all the "terms"
we got to learn, right?
170
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:03,149
Vice President of Helping! Captain Marvel!
You know what I'm saying.
171
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:04,817
I'm not part of this.
172
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:05,902
Let me show you around.
173
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:09,947
Well, Linda must be here for Jason,
174
00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:13,701
because Brent is definitely here
to annoy the fork out of me.
175
00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,787
Everyone, you may remember
Matt from Accounting.
176
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:19,290
The Judge has assigned him to our project.
177
00:08:19,373 --> 00:08:21,250
So, I'll be monitoring
the four new humans.
178
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:24,754
A modified points system will be applied
to their actions for the next year,
179
00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:26,464
and then we'll know
how much better or worse
180
00:08:26,547 --> 00:08:28,424
their behavior is
than when they were alive.
181
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,093
But no one will be able to see
what's happening in real time.
182
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,887
Good luck saving humanity
from eternal doom!
183
00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:40,645
Okay, forget about
all that stuff.
184
00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:43,189
For this first week, all we need to do
185
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:45,983
is figure out what the fork is up
with these benches.
186
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,152
So, I made this.
187
00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:52,865
We start them out on this side,
because we're like, "What's your deal?"
188
00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:55,701
And when we feel we have a handle
on who they are,
189
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:58,371
what makes them tick,
we move them to this side...
190
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,122
Party time!
191
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:02,917
We already know a lot about Simone, so...
192
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:04,877
Boom!
193
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,837
See? One down, three to go.
194
00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,256
Let's go figure out the others.
195
00:09:08,339 --> 00:09:09,507
We can do this.
196
00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:12,343
On three. "Dead eyes, eat hearts,
can't lose!"
197
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:16,847
Sorry, old Bad Place rallying cry.
198
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:19,350
Aww!
199
00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,936
Janet, he's walking around again.
200
00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:22,937
Yeah, I see that.
201
00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:24,855
Derek, what are you doing here?
202
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,399
You're supposed to stay at Mindy's.
203
00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:29,777
I can't help it.
I'm just such a proud daddy Derek.
204
00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:33,281
I mean, will you look at all these
beautiful babies that we made?
205
00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:36,701
She made them, dude.
You barely did anything.
206
00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:39,120
Probably just made all the butts.
207
00:09:39,203 --> 00:09:40,246
I did make all the butts.
208
00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:42,164
- I made that butt, I made that butt.
- Mmm, right.
209
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,125
I made both those butts.
210
00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:46,252
Derek, you have to stay at Mindy's house.
211
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:47,962
What if one of our new humans sees you
212
00:09:48,045 --> 00:09:50,631
and starts asking questions
about the weirdo in the tux?
213
00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:54,010
Say no more. But before I leave,
can I have a hug
214
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:56,887
in celebration of everything
that we created?
215
00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,764
- Okay.
- Aww!
216
00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,975
That feels so...
217
00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:03,185
Derek.
218
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,857
You are all, simply put, good people.
219
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:10,610
The point of the video
is to make them all confront
220
00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:12,778
what kind of people they were on Earth.
221
00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:18,117
Keep a close eye on our four subjects.
Try to gauge their reactions.
222
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,579
The subtlest glances,
the tiniest flinches...
223
00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:24,707
What about shaking someone by the head?
224
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,375
What does that mean?
225
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:27,668
Oh, boy.
226
00:10:28,544 --> 00:10:32,006
Hey, Simone. Everything okay?
227
00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:33,674
Yeah. Well, no.
228
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:37,011
Well, actually, it doesn't matter.
None of this is real.
229
00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:39,513
- Sorry?
- I'm a neuroscientist,
230
00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:41,057
so I get what's going on here.
231
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,976
You know, clearly, I was in
some kind of horrible accident,
232
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,604
I'm on my deathbed, and this entire thing
is just a hallucination
233
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:49,231
constructed by my damaged brain
as it slowly shuts down.
234
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:50,232
It's not real.
235
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:54,445
So, I'm just gonna wander around
until I wake up or die.
236
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,697
See ya later, figments of my imagination.
237
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:04,038
She's just gonna go get some popcorn
from the... river.
238
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:07,208
There's a popcorn river.
I'll show you guys later.
239
00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:09,877
Uh, she said keep going without her,
so let's roll it.
240
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,754
Janet, make a popcorn river.
241
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:14,298
Everyone else,
meet at Mindy's in ten minutes.
242
00:11:14,882 --> 00:11:18,219
Well... we're off to a fantastic start.
243
00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:21,097
I wish I could stay and help,
but this system is so complex
244
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:24,308
that if I lose concentration
for even one billionth of a second,
245
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:27,061
the entire neighborhood could collapse
in on itself like a dying star.
246
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,689
Also, Brent wants a BLT.
247
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:32,942
Simone's reaction is fairly common.
248
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:34,735
When I worked in the Bad Place,
249
00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:37,446
some people just wouldn't believe it
when they heard they were dead.
250
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:38,572
How did you convince them?
251
00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:42,076
They'd usually come around
by the third or fourth day of mouth fleas.
252
00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:44,078
Obviously, not an option here.
253
00:11:44,161 --> 00:11:46,163
But if Simone doesn't think this is real,
254
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:48,290
she definitely won't become
a better person.
255
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:51,001
Who can convince her
that this actually is the afterlife?
256
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:53,879
We need someone authoritative
and reassuring
257
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:56,590
like Nelson Mandela
or Sir Patrick Stewart,
258
00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:59,427
or, really, any of my old
racquetball partners would do.
259
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:00,719
Oh, I know who it should be.
260
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,055
If you say Blake Bortles,
I'm gonna slap you a lot.
261
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,433
Chidi. I believe everything
Chidi ever tells me
262
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,268
because of his brain and how he looks like
263
00:12:07,351 --> 00:12:09,645
one of those owls
that graduated from college.
264
00:12:09,728 --> 00:12:11,021
Of course!
265
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:15,317
Time to activate our ethical sleeper agent
and introduce him to Simone.
266
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:16,527
Uh, I don't know.
267
00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:18,529
Simone isn't struggling
with a philosophy problem.
268
00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:21,657
She's just, you know, like... being silly.
269
00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:24,743
Let's just get her to the welcome party
and I'm sure she'll be fine.
270
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:28,038
Eleanor, look what my brain did!
271
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,958
It's not real, and neither are you.
272
00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:34,295
I'm in a coma and none of this is real
273
00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:37,673
Okay, I know this is bad
and we need a new approach,
274
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,676
but she is wearing
the hell out of those foam fingers.
275
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:45,097
Root-a-toot-toot
276
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:47,808
Dude, Janet told you to stay at Mindy's.
277
00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:53,272
I know. I just came to mix myself
a Derek and then I'll be on my way.
278
00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:57,234
Before you leave, I wanna call a truce.
279
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:58,486
All right.
280
00:12:58,569 --> 00:13:01,906
I feel like you're trying
to get under my skin, but it's okay.
281
00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:04,241
I've decided to rise above it.
282
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:06,160
Well spoken, Mr. Mendoza.
283
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:08,704
Let me say in response...
284
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:13,000
I will destroy you.
285
00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:19,673
Janet is and always will be
my mommy-girlfriend.
286
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:23,135
You have crossed the Rubicon now, pal.
287
00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:28,224
Mmm...
288
00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:30,100
Okay, status report.
289
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,810
What have we learned about Linda?
290
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:32,853
Little, I'm afraid.
291
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:36,232
I tried talking to her, but it was
the dullest conversation I have ever had.
292
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:39,735
And this is coming from someone who
once split a Xanax with Peter Sarsgaard.
293
00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:42,446
Frankly, I'm glad she's boring.
We have enough to worry about.
294
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:45,449
- How is Brent doing?
- About the same, I'd say.
295
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:46,367
Princeton.
296
00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:48,953
Graduated in the top half
of the bottom half of my class.
297
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:51,789
Rowing team, sailing team,
class president,
298
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:52,957
I hung out with all those guys.
299
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,085
Okay. And John,
our favorite gossip columnist?
300
00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:59,547
Luckily, before I died, I pumped my face
with six vials of Juvederm.
301
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:02,383
I'm hoping that my corpse
looks like a waxed tile floor.
302
00:14:02,466 --> 00:14:05,094
My ex-boyf is gonna be supes jeal'.
303
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:07,972
Okay, well, I'm gonna do a loop
trying to see who gets me.
304
00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:10,766
Our biggest liability right now is Simone.
305
00:14:10,849 --> 00:14:14,228
Let's try to keep the three of them
away from her.
306
00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:19,275
We can't wait any longer.
We have to introduce Simone to Chidi.
307
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:21,944
Why? I think she's doing great.
308
00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:24,655
See?
309
00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:26,615
She's getting all the cake-pushing
out of her system.
310
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:31,161
I know it's painful to think
of the two of them... connecting.
311
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:34,123
But Chidi made an incredible sacrifice.
312
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:37,751
He had his memories erased
so he could help people.
313
00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:41,005
And if we don't let him help Simone,
it'll be all for nothing.
314
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:43,173
Fine.
315
00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:47,636
Stupid ethical, reasonable argument.
316
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,055
Wish you were a cake. Push you over.
317
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:53,517
- Are you still muttering?
- No, I stopped.
318
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:56,937
Stupid, good-hearing, reformed demon.
319
00:14:58,689 --> 00:14:59,523
Whoa!
320
00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:04,278
Hey, there, Simone!
321
00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:06,572
- Shoving people in the pool, huh?
- Yeah.
322
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:09,617
Just testing the laws of physics
here in my nonsense brain-jail.
323
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:13,621
- Who's this?
- This is Chidi Anagonye.
324
00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:16,457
He was a professor
of ethics and moral philosophy,
325
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:18,000
so I figured he might be able to help.
326
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:22,004
Chidi Anagonye. That sounds so familiar.
Where did you teach?
327
00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:24,340
St. John's University in Sydney.
328
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:26,383
Of course. I used to teach there.
329
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:28,344
I must have seen his name
on the faculty list
330
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:31,847
and now my dying brain
is just leaking out random information.
331
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,309
The human mind is truly incredible.
332
00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:38,896
I want something else
333
00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:41,106
To get me through this
334
00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:43,692
Semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby
335
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,153
Sorry... uh, what's happening now?
336
00:15:46,236 --> 00:15:48,364
When I was a kid, my CD alarm clock broke
337
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,199
and it used to wake me up
to that song every day,
338
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:52,952
so now I'm singing it
to try and wake myself up.
339
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,828
Okay. Well, it was nice meeting you.
340
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:59,041
Nice to meet you, too, cute guy generated
by my rapidly-decaying temporal lobe.
341
00:16:04,588 --> 00:16:05,422
- Hey...
- You know,
342
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:08,592
it's bad enough that you guys
have taken over my house for a year
343
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:10,511
and I've had to move into the attic,
344
00:16:10,594 --> 00:16:12,179
but now I have to walk in to find
345
00:16:12,262 --> 00:16:14,932
Darth Vader's turd
in the middle of my living room.
346
00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:16,266
I mean, what is this?
347
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:17,768
No time to explain.
348
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:19,687
Also, I kinda forgot.
349
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,480
Where is Derek's plunger?
The one that kills him?
350
00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:25,317
Yeah, I used to do this
whenever I needed some alone time.
351
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:29,029
Once, I rebooted him
just because he was breathing super loud.
352
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:32,032
Then, when he woke up,
he was like, "I don't breathe."
353
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:33,409
So I don't know what I heard.
354
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:35,995
Well, I'm doing this because
he's trying to steal my girlfriend.
355
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,080
Yeah. You don't need to justify it.
356
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:40,165
Again, I do it all the time.
357
00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:43,168
No! Mindy, please wait. Don't kill me.
358
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:44,086
Oh!
359
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,006
It's you? Okay.
360
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,924
Well, you certainly
don't have the Dereks to...
361
00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:00,936
Yeah!
362
00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:02,479
Oh!
363
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:03,689
It's always good.
364
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,775
You know what, Simone?
Think of it this way.
365
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:10,696
If this is really all a hallucination,
doesn't it seem kinda basic?
366
00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:13,574
I mean, surely your brain
would imagine something weirder
367
00:17:13,657 --> 00:17:15,451
than just a nice cocktail party.
368
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:16,744
You mean like that?
369
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:19,371
Attention, I have been Derek'd.
370
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:22,583
That's probably my doctor.
This is all in my head.
371
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:23,917
I'm gonna go eat a knife.
372
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:26,587
Attention. Murder has been me.
373
00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:28,088
Let me get this straight.
374
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:30,841
Derek "made mean eyes at you,"
375
00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:33,677
so you went to Mindy's house
and murdered him?
376
00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:35,971
Yeah, dawg, but his eyes were really mean.
377
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,806
You're probably thinking this...
378
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,018
but they were more like this...
379
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,188
Jason, why did you kill Derek?
380
00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:47,524
I had to get his giant head out of the sky
before any of the humans could see,
381
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:48,567
and it was not easy.
382
00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:51,153
I was scared Derek was trying
to slide into your DMs.
383
00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:52,863
I hate being scared. It's scary.
384
00:17:52,946 --> 00:17:53,906
I don't have time for this.
385
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:55,866
I am running a neighborhood
and its residents,
386
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:59,036
and Eleanor just casually orders me
to make popcorn rivers
387
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:02,331
and Brent won't stop calling me for stuff.
388
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:03,749
Ugh!
389
00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:05,542
Are we still boyfriend/not-a-girlfriend?
390
00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,002
We'll talk about it later.
391
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,630
Okay. Executive decision.
Forget about Simone.
392
00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:12,591
Janet, make sure she doesn't come
in contact with the other humans.
393
00:18:12,674 --> 00:18:13,634
Let's focus on Linda.
394
00:18:13,717 --> 00:18:16,720
We ought to be able to figure her out.
We can just liven her up a bit.
395
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:19,681
We'll just sprinkle some cocaine
on her peppermints or something.
396
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,975
Does anyone else find it suspicious
397
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:25,020
that the Bad Place
sent someone so... dull?
398
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:26,730
No, it makes perfect sense to me.
399
00:18:26,814 --> 00:18:28,732
They are trying to drive us insane
400
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:31,652
by giving us
a big, boring glob of plain yogurt.
401
00:18:31,735 --> 00:18:34,321
Tomorrow morning,
we start Operation Linda.
402
00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:36,115
Okay, you heard the lady.
403
00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:38,283
We'll meet in the town square
bright and early.
404
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:39,535
Janet, set up for Flying Day.
405
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,036
Cool.
406
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,205
I'm not busy or anything,
so that'll be easy.
407
00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:45,207
Off you go!
408
00:18:45,749 --> 00:18:48,127
Whoo-hoo!
409
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:51,964
Linda. How are you
enjoying the Good Place?
410
00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:53,215
It's good.
411
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,135
Everyone's flying.
412
00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:58,262
You don't want to go flying any higher?
413
00:18:58,345 --> 00:18:59,513
No, thanks.
414
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:01,473
Well, okay.
415
00:19:01,557 --> 00:19:03,600
It says in your file
that you liked knitting.
416
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,727
Would you like to do
some knitting right now?
417
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:06,854
No, thanks.
418
00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:09,481
Is there another activity
you'd like to do now?
419
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:13,402
You also enjoyed... listening to birds?
420
00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:15,154
Man, Linda.
421
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:17,156
You don't even look at them?
422
00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:20,367
Let's go hear some birds. What do you say?
423
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:22,119
I'm gonna go get another peppermint.
424
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,412
- No...
- Come on, Linds.
425
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:26,498
You can have literally anything
that you could poss...
426
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:28,333
What the...
427
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,221
Okay. So...
428
00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:43,557
Maybe she's less boring than I thought.
429
00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:48,395
So, let me get this straight, Shawn.
430
00:19:48,478 --> 00:19:52,232
You sent a demon in disguise
as one of the subjects?
431
00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:54,318
Yes, he did, Your Honor.
432
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,993
Luckily, none of the other test subjects
saw the mess he made.
433
00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:07,206
But he put the experiment at risk
and he attacked me and Eleanor.
434
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:09,458
And, I'm sorry, where's your shirt?
435
00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:11,710
I think it got stuck in the skin suit.
436
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:13,253
Well, keep it there.
437
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:16,089
Damn it, Chris. You were supposed
to slowly undermine them
438
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:18,342
and gradually sabotage the experiment,
439
00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:20,636
not just go ham on day two,
you fart plume.
440
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,596
I told you, I'm not an actor.
441
00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:24,640
And when you get back here,
you won't be anything.
442
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:27,726
Okay, fine, yes, busted. I'm a rascal.
443
00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:30,020
We'll come pick him up
and replace him with an actual human.
444
00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:33,190
You will do nothing of the sort, mon ami.
445
00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:35,567
This outrageous act must be punished.
446
00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:38,737
Chidi will be the fourth subject
in this experiment.
447
00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:40,280
No, no, no, no, no.
448
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,532
He's perfect because he's already
had his memories erased.
449
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,577
Although you can't erase that booty.
Know what I'm sayin', blondie?
450
00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:48,080
All due respect, Your Honor,
keep it in your robe.
451
00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:51,375
What she means is,
"Thank you, Your Honor, we accept."
452
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:52,960
Chidi's gonna be our fourth subject.
453
00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,795
Chidi can't be part of the experiment.
454
00:20:54,878 --> 00:20:56,171
They already know that he can improve.
455
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:59,049
That's like studying for a test
then acing the test.
456
00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,218
- It's cheating.
- How is that cheating?
457
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:04,304
You're just falsely accusing us
of what you actually did.
458
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:05,597
No, that's what you're doing.
459
00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:07,391
Shawn, I don't have time for this.
460
00:21:07,474 --> 00:21:09,685
I just started Deadwood, finally,
461
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:12,938
and I need my daily dose
of Timothy Olyphant,
462
00:21:13,021 --> 00:21:14,606
so I'm gonna make this short.
463
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:18,860
If you so much as breathe
on this experiment again,
464
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:22,406
I will restart the entire thing
from scratch,
465
00:21:22,489 --> 00:21:26,159
and then I will personally
rip off your eyelids
466
00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:31,039
and make you watch heartwarming videos
of soldiers coming home to their dogs.
467
00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:34,001
Whoa! Slow down.
468
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:40,340
Did you put those trash cans
there just so you could crash into them?
469
00:21:40,424 --> 00:21:42,926
That wasn't my fault. I was texting.
470
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:44,386
Okay, let him go, dung buckets.
471
00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:45,846
Nice try.
472
00:21:45,929 --> 00:21:48,807
We'll put him on the train
and handcuff him to a bench.
473
00:21:48,890 --> 00:21:49,975
Come on.
474
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:53,061
Yeah, forgive us if we don't trust you
not to cheat again.
475
00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:55,647
Surprised you figured out
that Linda was a fake,
476
00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:58,650
because we all thought
you were too stupid.
477
00:21:58,734 --> 00:22:01,486
Well, it was actually Tahani
who got suspicious.
478
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:03,196
Oh!
479
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,073
That is so embarrassing for you.
480
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:08,535
Seems like you're royally forking this up
just like we knew you would.
481
00:22:08,618 --> 00:22:10,120
Okay.
482
00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:11,204
Take off.
483
00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:12,831
And give Shawn a message for me.
484
00:22:12,914 --> 00:22:15,208
Tell him that we said, "Booyah!"
485
00:22:16,376 --> 00:22:18,920
Make sure you do the hand motion,
like, "Booyah!"
486
00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:20,756
- Are you listening to me?
- Okay, Michael...
487
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:22,215
- No, show me how you're gonna do it.
- That's fine.
488
00:22:22,299 --> 00:22:24,760
No, it's important
that she does the hand thing
489
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:26,720
because it really drives the point home.