This programme contains strong language and adult humour
BRASS BAND BUILDS JUDI LAUGHS
No way!
Er...
Gosh! Where's the hole?
ARDAL GROANS SOPHIE CRIES OUT
CHRIS TRUMPETS Are you having a laugh?
GRUNTING
JUDI GASPS CHRIS CRIES OUT Ooh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
And welcome to another enchanting new series of Taskmaster.
I'm Greg Davies and I am still the Taskmaster,
and nothing you can say on Twitter
from your horrible little bedroom will change that. LAUGHTER
Five newly hatched competitors
are trembling off camera as we speak.
Nervous little baby birds, wondering if they've done enough
for me to reward them with a dead mouse from my mighty beak.
LAUGHTER
Why would they put themselves through this stress?
The chance to own my golden head?
Perhaps.
The truth is it doesn't matter
because they must all now continue,
due to a legally binding contract they have signed. LAUGHTER
Let us meet the five who are legally obliged.
They are...
..Ardal O'Hanlon... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Bridget Christie...
..Chris Ramsey...
..Judi Love...
..and Sophie Duker!
And next to me, the freshly thawed corpse of an ancient peat bog man.
LAUGHTER It's... HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Little Alex Horne!
RAPTUROUS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE WHISTLING
LAUGHTER
Right, what's our first prize category, please, Alex?
It is...
Ooohh! AUDIENCE OOH
The thing that if you found it in a skip,
you would be most excited by. LAUGHTER
Five points will go to the thing the taskmaster, Greg Davies,
thinks one would be most excited about if you found it in a skip
and at the end, the winner takes home all five things
and walk away with a skip in their step. OK?
LAUGHTER Ardal, welcome to the show.
Oh, thank you. It's so good to be here.
What did excite you when you found it in a skip?
Oh, erm, a trophy, of course.
Oh. Not a bad trophy. Oh.
No. That's cool. Yeah.
Does it speak of a fierce ambition in you?
Well, we've all been there.
We've all, er, gone into a trophy shop...
CHUCKLING ..and we've bought a trophy and had it engraved and...
To please father and...Yes. LAUGHTER
Were you a sporting elite as a young man?
Not really.
Most of my trophies in my trophy cabinet are ones I bought.
It's early days, Ardal.
I'm going to say it's around two points.
Oh, fantastic. That's my gut instinct at this stage.
Bridget, what have you brought in?
I, someone's last will and testament?
JUDI:Wow. Wow.SOPHIE:Ooh! LAUGHTER
She genuinely found this in a skip. This is what it looks like.
AUDIENCE OOHS AND AHS JUDI:Whoa...SOPHIE:My God.
Oh, man. About 300 years old.
Look at Ardal's little face.
Well... I think... LAUGHTER
Your trophy's been pissed on already.
There was one point over the years
because I found it years ago where I thought,
"Am I going to have loads of bad luck?"
You know?
LAUGHTER Because you found the...
Because I've got it up in my hallway and I don't know whose it is.
ARDAL: Did you try and track the person down?
Oh, no.
No, I think it's fair to say they're not around anymore.
Well, I mean, who are the beneficiaries of the will?
Mary. His beloved wife, Mary, is...
You seem to know a lot about this. BRIDGET: Oh.
Well, I've read it. LAUGHTER
I'm very excited by your will.
OK. Christopher?
I have brought a '90s style important businessmen briefcase.
AUDIENCE OOHS AND AHS WHISTLING That's exciting.
God, you're all more excited than I could ever have dreamt. LAUGHTER
Why are we excited by it?
Because my house was the first house made on a new estate
and in the skip one day we found a briefcase.
And it was locked.
And it took hours to get inside it.
What was inside it? BRIDGET: Yeah. What was inside it?
I was about to say.
Oh, I'll say it as well. What was inside it? LAUGHTER
You'll find out at the end of the show.Oh! AUDIENCE OOHS AND AHS
Ooh, he's turned the excitement up from nought!
Yep.
Judi, what have you brought in?
A Now '90s tape.
And, you know, it's got all the classics on there.
You know the '90s music was the best?
Yeah. Look at that. Look at that!
Take that. I mean, come on.
Shabba Ranks!
Mr Lover Lover!Yes...Mm-hmm! LAUGHTER
Is Shabba Ranks on there or were you just exclaiming that?
No, Shabba Ranks is on there.
I personally think that they threw it out by accident.
You want to show the kids how times were, you know,
when you wanted to turn it over and you used to
put your finger in the tape and wind it back?
These kids don't know about that now.
Write down, "Judi Love. Incredible bullshitter."
Oh, right. Good. LAUGHTER
Sophie, can you beat an old cassette tape? Hello.
I've brought a multipurpose...
..seating...device.
LAUGHTER
Wow. Look at that!
Very good.
Look at that. Wow.
When you're, like, a millennial,
you don't get your furniture from shops.
You get it from skipping.
It may qualify as theft within the Theft Act of 1968,
unless you've got permission from the skip owner.
If something's on the street, it's yours.
BRIDGET AND JUDI: Yeah. Not really.
Cos I leave my car on the street. LAUGHTER
Just before the show, Alex said to me... SOPHIE: Yeah?
"Sophie's brought a sofa in that she's trying to get rid of."
LAUGHTER That's how I understood it.
Yeah. JUDI: I would never get rid of my Now 25.
LAUGHTER It's Now 24.
Yeah, that's what I said. LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'm sorry, I wasn't excited by Ardal's golf trophy.
One point.
I mean, the truth is my instinct was to put the awful sofa in
at two points, but I think that's because
Judi did such a good job of bullshitting me about the tape.
All them classics! LAUGHTER
Judi, can you name one more... Duran Duran!
If you can name one more track off it,
I'm gonna let you take it. Yes.
MC Hammer was on one of those, Michael Jackson and...
B-b-buh! You've had your guess.
No MC Hammer on 24.
No, what I'm saying is...
I'm so sorry. Two points for Now 24.
LAUGHTER AUDIENCE GROANS APPLAUSE
Great news about your shit sofa.
You've got three sweet points for it.
Yes!
I'm going to give Chris four points
because there's something rather beautiful about that will.
Aw. So I'm giving Bridget five points.
Bridget with five points. Very good. APPLAUSE
ARDAL: Well done.
We're off!
What does the first task involve, Alex?
Well, Greg, if they're successful,
it'll involve the natural enemy of bread -
ducks!
ALEX WHISTLES CHUCKLING
EERIE STRINGS PLAY JAUNTY PIANO CHORDS PLAY
Hello.
Oh, hi, Judi.
Can I just say, on the door it says, "No shoes in the lab."
However, you've got me wearing these heavy duty boots.
Right. CHUCKLING
Hi. Bridget.
Hi?
OK.
Erm, so I should, I should probably look for the task.
Right. That's my first...task.
LAUGHTER
Oh, gosh.Oh, no. CHUCKLING
So I'll just start over here.
There it is. You found it?
I found it straightaway. Good start.
It's promising.
Yeah!
Oh, God Almighty, give me strength.
LAUGHTER
Duck.
Well, this is fun, I love jumping.
Ooh! I found out the other day I've got jumping veins.
Oh, that is good news.
It's probably easier for tall people, isn't it?
Yeah, I realised I put it up a bit too high, probably.
BRIDGET GRUNTS CHUCKLING
Duck.
No duck.
LAUGHTER BRIDGET GRUNTS God!
What's it stuck on there with?!
BRIDGET GRUNTS LAUGHTER Oh!
LAUGHTER
Duck?
"Find all ten ducks.
"You must stay in the lab.
"Fastest wins.
"You have a maximum of 20 minutes.
"Your time started when you entered the lab."
Yeah, two minutes gone.
You f...
LAUGHTER
Fastest...
What does it say?
"Your time started when you entered the lab?!"
Yeah, you talked about veins for quite a while. LAUGHTER
"Your time started when you entered the lab?"
You've found one duck so far.
Ducks as in quack quack ducks?
Erm, yes, please.
APPLAUSE
Chris, you said the word "duck" an awful lot.
Duck, yeah.
He said "duck" about eight times, didn't he?
Yes, but he has started well. He's found the first duck.
There's only ten hidden in quite a small room.
We've given them a maximum of 20 minutes
because we thought it was gonna be quite an easy task. LAUGHTER
Let's have a look at some duck stuff.
All right. The first person we're gonna see is a man -
he's an Irish man, he's Ardal O'HanMAN.
Here we go. LAUGHTER
I imagine there's a duck in here. SLOW CELLO PLUCKS
There's a box that says "duck" on it.
OK.
No duck. Ah.
You tricked me.
I haven't found any ducks yet.
How much time have we spent? Four minutes.
Four minutes and no ducks. LAUGHTER
TAPPING
LAUGHTER
No ducks.
That a duck?
Do you think it's a duck? LAUGHTER
Same general species.
OK.
Here, boy. LAUGHTER
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
SUSPENSEFUL STRINGS PLAY
Well, then.
Another one of these. LAUGHTER
So... All right, these are the ducks?
I can see it, OK? They're not ducks.
Fucking hens.
LAUGHTER
SUSPENSEFUL BLUES MUSIC PLAYS
This is literally the best I can do. LAUGHTER
There's not very many ducks in here.
Now, why would you have asked me to wear heavy boots?
Be nice to find one duck.
It would be good.
AUDIENCE GASPS
AUDIENCE OOHS AND AHS LAUGHTER
Ooh!
Found a duck!
Ha! Yes!
I can die happy. I found a duck. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How many minutes left, Alex? Six minutes left.
How many ducks do I need to find?
Nine more.Nine more ducks. OK. LAUGHTER
There wouldn't be one, like, inside the hen, would there?
Where would a duck shelter in a hen?
LAUGHTER You've got 20 seconds.
Oh!
QUACKING That's a duck.
Oh.
WHISTLE BLOWS You found two ducks.
Oh. I'll take that.
It was looking dodgy there for a few minutes.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
Up until the third chicken you brought out,
I was under the impression that
you played a character in Father Ted.
LAUGHTER
Well, I thought I did really well.
I mean, I thought I was really good at looking. I just...
LAUGHTER Yeah, I tell you what, you were mesmerizing to watch looking.Yeah.
I find you a very soothing presence to watch. Yeah.
I really enjoyed the task.
Like, I would have happily stayed there for hours.
LAUGHTER Yeah. Right.
It's the first advert break of the series
and you know what that means.
Yes, it's time to Google the cast's ages
and see if you were right. I'll save you some time.
Chris Ramsey is 56.
See you in a bit! LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE Hello and welcome back!
Where were we, Alex?
Before the break, the new cast
were tasked to find some hidden ducks in the lab -
ten hidden ducks, to be precise -
and Ardal O'Hanlon kicked off the new series by finding two of them.
It was a shame. Now it's the turn...
LAUGHTER ..of Sophie and Bridget.
There's a duck here.
What does it say?
No duck. Ah.
OK, that's not a duck.
Erm, can I pull the floor up?
Is that why I've got these horrible boots on?
Do whatever you want, really.
SOPHIE GASPS A duck! OK, a duck!
What does it look like? It's, like, made of electrical...
..wire? Ah. Yeah, I think you might need to turn that duck on.
How many ducks have you found so far?
Stop talking to me. LAUGHTER
One duck. Whey! OK, great.
What's that there? Is that a duck?
Remember what ducks are?
What did you say, pardon?
Do you remember what ducks are?
Are you proud of that?
Are you proud? LAUGHTER
Hang on.
Is there something else that is also called a duck?
Like a nail?
LAUGHTER
That's a duck. Do you think it's a duck?
It might think it's a duck.
Hm.
Oh, you found a duck?
Do I have to kill the chicken?
What do you mean?
CHICKEN RATTLES
LAUGHTER
Ah! SOPHIE GROANS
QUIETLY: Yes, OK.
Found another one?
QUACKING
OK, that's a duck. Yep. Two ducks. Well done.
There might be some up there.
Can you give me a piggyback?
Yes.
Like, I did this a lot at university. A lot?
Yeah. So...OK. Right.
So, like, up. Yeah, I, yes, Ma'am.
Ah! Sorry. LAUGHTER
One...two...
..three! You're up. LAUGHTER
Right. Now what? You all right?
Yes. There are some letters up there, though - A, R, D.
Nard? Anard?
Canard!
That's a duck. Yes, correct.
Erm... Er... LAUGHTER
You're sort of steering me with your thighs.
Yeah.Hm. LAUGHTER
Oh, that way, is it?
Now it's dark.
Yeah, we're just going to be here...
..and wait for a duck to appear.
LAUGHTER
They might put some in the boots.
BRIDGET INHALES DEEPLY BRIDGET LAUGHS No.
Nothing in there. AUDIENCE AWS
It's a duck.
There's a torch.
Is that anything?
Where are you, little duckers?
LAUGHTER What would it be?
You've got 50 seconds.
WHISPERING: Where are you?
There's a duck here. Where?
On the task.
There's a duck.
BRIDGET GASPS WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
Pretty sweet haul of ducks. Hm.
Pleased with that?
No. No?
Less than half the ducks.
I think it's a brilliant result.
Sorry, it was, it was very, very good.
BRIDGET: I was pleased with the writing one.
JUDI: I mean, that was... That was hard.
SOPHIE: It was in French as well. CHRIS: Really good. I know.
What did you do a lot at university, Sophie?
You said, "I did this a lot at university"
You were getting on Alex's shoulders at the time.
Yeah, I... A lot of riding men at parties.
LAUGHTER
If you're short, at a concert or something, you've got to ride...
You're speaking to the wrong person, I think.
Oh, yeah, OK. But people must have ridden you.
LAUGHTER
Not for a while. LAUGHTER
Four ducks each. Nice.
Who's next?
Now it's time for the final two duck hunters.
It's the big JC.
It's Judi and Chris.
Here we go.
What are these? Are these ducks or chickens?
What do you reckon, duck or chicken?
Oh, God. Judi?
Yeah?
Is this a box?
Yes.
How does it open?
Oh.
Well, there's not a duck in there, is there?
No, I don't think so.
That's Richard Herring.
LAUGHTER What colour is he?
LAUGHTER
Am I hot?
Oh, yes. LAUGHTER
Take your shirt off.
Take your shirt off. Please.
Rub against the wall. Search the wall.
LAUGHTER Oh, come...
Feel the wall, feel the wall.
Where is the ducks?
Turn around. WHOOPING
Goddamn it.
Is there any ducks in your shoes? Ducks on the bottom of your shoes?
Why would there be ducks on my shoes? I don't know, is there...
Ah! Two ducks!Two ducks. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
One...
..two... That's, I'm ducking. Right. LAUGHTER
Will you finish that cup of tea?
I feel like there's a duck in it. Why am I paranoid about ducks? LAUGHTER
Yes!
Yes! OK. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
JUDI LAUGHS
QUACKING There's a torch.
Am I just going to have to sweep the whole room?!
Duck! Duck! APPLAUSE
Yes! Here's one.
Aha! QUACKING
You've just found a duck.
Ooh!
Can you open this, please?
What's in it for me?
What's in it for you is I'm not going to get pissed off.
Can you open this, please?
Right, OK.
Is this your tea?
Yes.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE Honestly, like, where are you from?
West Sussex. No.
LAUGHTER
Is it inside the table?
SQUEAKING
Duck. OK. Found a duck.
CHRIS SQUEALS Duck! Duck, duck, duck,
duck, duck, duck, duck, duck!
Two minutes. Ah!
Ah... Ooh!
Found one!
Oh, really?
Yep.
That's a stray duck.
That's a duck.
Yeah, that's a duck we didn't know was there.
LAUGHTER Can I lift the floor?
Duck!
Yes! 30 seconds.
This is not a duck on my face?
No, I, hm...Is there a duck on my face? LAUGHTER
One more duck.
Oh, my God!
This is so frustrating!
Ah! WHISTLE BLOWS
That was...
..horrible.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
JUDI: Brilliant! Well done.
Thank you.
BRIDGET: Both amazing.
How many ducks did they both get?
Well, Judi found a stray duck that genuinely we'd put on the wall
years ago for another task...
LAUGHTER ..which is quite odd, so she found...
Bonus duck?
Yeah. JUDI: Wow. She found six,
but didn't find five.
LAUGHTER She also said, "Is there a duck on my face" for ages.
Yeah. Yeah, because you just kept on looking at me strange.
I wish we had a still of the picture of you under that light.
Oh, my God!
Just so we can check if there was a duck on your face.
Was there a duck on my face?! Well, let's find out in a minute.
LAUGHTER
CHRIS:Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. APPLAUSE
BRIDGET: That looks amazing.
No duck.
Chris altogether found seven ducks.
JUDI:Wow.Congratulations. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's very good.
JUDI: Wow.
Right, give me some scores.
Yes, all right, then.
Chris won the task with seven ducks.
Judi second with six.
Sophie and Bridget both get three points with four ducks.
Ardal just the one point after his two ducks.
So Chris Ramsey wins five points!
There it is!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Scoreboard time?
Yes. Um, I'm...
That's nice.
I'm afraid that Ardal has minimal points with two.
Chris is in the lead with nine points at this stage.
GASPING WHISTLING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here we go.
Let's have another task, please!
Of course.
And perhaps as a nod to how we resolve our frequent little tiffs,
this one involves kissing and make-up.
LAUGHTER
MEXICAN BAND PLAYS
Right.
I'm in business.
That's more like it.
Yeah.
Have you just eaten something?
I had some crisps.
That'll be it. Yep.
CHUCKLING
"Create the best picture of the Taskmaster,
using only lipstick on your lips.
"ON your lips?!"
"You have ten minutes and your picture must fill
most of the canvas.
"And your picture must fill most of the canvas."
Are you having a laugh?
LAUGHTER Your time starts now.
Er, the Taskmaster.
He is... He's...
..pretty peaky at the best of times, isn't he?
Can I...
I'm gonna go get a picture of him, innit.
Can't remember what he looks like from memory.
Got a picture of him.
That looks nothing like him.
Has he got blue eyes?
I think they're blue. Are they green?
It doesn't matter, does it?
Is that good? Is that a good thing to do?
I think so, yeah.
LAUGHTER
Are you using your lips as a palette?
Yeah. Good.
Your eyes go very big when you put it on.
That's, do you not know about lipstick?
No. LAUGHTER
SOPHIE CHUCKLES LAUGHTER
SOPHIE MOANS
LAUGHTER Mm-mwah!
LAUGHTER
PAPER SQUEAKS
Oh. Are you blowing out?
No. No, that's just the noise the blue makes.
LAUGHTER
Christ alive.
Um...
Ooh!
The lipstick is on your lips, is it still?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah?
LAUGHTER
You're quite aggressive with it.
There's no other lips I can use?
No, no. No, no.
LAUGHTER
SOPHIE MOANS
MUFFLED: Mm, it looks lovely.
Pardon? MUFFLED: It looks lovely.
Oh, God.
This is what he looks like
when he goes home, when he's on his own.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Hello! I'm Greg.
I think I have some, er, crisps for me to eat.
Eh? LAUGHTER
I think I'm happy with that.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
Enjoy that, Sophie?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I liked it. Something else you used to do at university?
I was trying to be precise.
You really got into it.
JUDI: Loving up, you done...
The thing that annoyed me the most about this task was
I was embarrassed at how out of breath I was at the end.
All I'd done was like that.
Woodpeckers must be hard as fuck.
LAUGHTER
Right. Well, I look forward to seeing these creations
right after these car adverts.
CHRIS:Oh, good. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Welcome back to the second half of the show.
Can I see lots of pictures of me, please, Little Alex Horne?
Yes. You're vain, but I don't blame you at all.
Beautiful.
Let's see Bridget's lipstick pic.
Here it is.
Ooh! JUDI:That is good. LAUGHTER
SOPHIE: Wow. She's certainly captured my breasts.
LAUGHTER
Well, she said it's a bra and a little dress,
and you're saying, "Where's my crisps?
"I hate my job."
LAUGHTER I feel the same.
I tried to get the essence of you.
I've eaten a lot of crisps.
Yeah. I've got big, I got big tits?
LAUGHTER
Good start. Who's next?
Next, it's Judi's picture.
LAUGHTER
Even you can't justify this.
Let me tell you something.
I drawed you, see, on your throne
like the King that you are.
She did use the whole canvas more than the other contestants.
This is what I'm saying. Oh, so we should reward that?
Yes. You could. You could.
What, for drawing a little Lego figure inside a clown head?
LAUGHTER
CHRIS: That's the least calm he's been!
You've ignited a fire in Ardal.
If that's what my painting does, then that is true art.
There you go. CHRIS: Oh, my word!
That is...
..phenomenal bullshit.
JUDI LAUGHS
This is Chris' picture.
AUDIENCE OOHS AND AHS
Come on.
I'll put it side by side with the picture he was using.
It's good. He used a good one. SOPHIE: Wow.
APPLAUSE Aw.
I was not expecting this.
Here are Ardal's lips in action.
Aw, this'll do. He did that.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
BRIDGET: That's really good. Now, earlier, Ardal,
you mentioned the word clown.
LAUGHTER
One of Britain's great clowns.
Yes.
The most important thing, the stuff that, you know, is the aura,
which is not, like, painted, it's just implied.
OK.
And what do you sense of my aura?
Specialness, um...
LAUGHTER SOPHIE:What do you mean, special?
Blimey. I wasn't expecting good stuff.
Right, well... I hope Sophie can drag things down.
She created this.
LAUGHTER
Ah. She used the portrait behind her as her starting point.
I feel like it's like a sort of Dorian Gray-type picture.
So, like, that's the macabre, hideous version of you.
And then here... LAUGHTER
And then here there's the beautiful man.
Yeah. It doesn't look unlike my grandmother, so...
LAUGHTER
I feel sad if...
LAUGHTER Good. Good.
I mean, I think it's brilliant,
but it doesn't bear any resemblance to you, so...
It should all be about the accuracy.
Yeah. So I should forget the stuff you said about essence?
No, but I mean, essence is real. I mean...
LAUGHTER
Let's have a look at them all together before I get
any more mind games. Here we have five Gregs.
Chris, without the actual painting next to yours. Yeah...
You know. Nah.
Bridget, yours looks like a haunted sex doll.
SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER
Why is that a bad thing?
Right then, Greg, we need some points. All right.
One point to Judi. OK. For throwing lipstick against a canvas.
Between Ardal and Sophie for this.
What?
You're genuinely shocked.
Let's give them three points each.
So it's three points to Ardal and Sophie. Correct.
Four to...? Four to...
..the very cross sex doll that Bridget created and obviously,
Chris Ramsey, the only artist in the room, takes the five.
Let's have another one. Next up is this...
SPAGHETTI WESTERN TYPE THEME PLAYS
DOOR CREAKS
WHISTLING
Oh.
SHOWDOWN MUSIC
Ready?
I don't know.
Phoar!
Yeah?
"Devise a duel and have the duel with Alex."
That's you. Line.
"You have 20 minutes to devise your duel and have the duel with Alex."
"Most exhilarating duel wins."
"Your time starts now."
Do you think you're going to win the duel? Yeah, probably.
I mean, I usually win duels.
LAUGHTER
Have you had a duel before?
No, I've never duelled anyone.
I didn't think I was going to have to duel you.
Are you good at throwing? Yeah.
No, I don't want that, then.
What are you crap at? DIY.
Gut instinct tells me that Sophie's going to be the best at this purely
because her, "I've never duelled anyone.
I didn't think I was going to have to duel you."
It sounded like an actual Clint Eastwood line.
I'm sorely tempted to just crack on. Let's do it.
Let's see 'em.
Well, first of all, we have "Arduel" and "Dueldi". Ardal and Judi.
Here we go.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
So, Alex, I'm going for a fairly traditional duel,
so to start with...
..I'm going to get the...
Do you want a hand? Yeah, please. Thank you.
OK, then.
I challenge you to a duel.
I accept your challenge.
OK, cool.
For this exhilarating duel, you're going to have these
roller-skates on.
Oh, yeah. I'd say the roller-skates are size five to eight.
And you are size? Size ten.
We've all done that.
Especially if the shoes are hot.
Do you want to choose your weapon?
Got bananas or oranges?
Ah! Bananas, please.
OK, I want you to wear an eye patch.
I'll be fine. Thank you.
You've got one ball.
You have to hit me in the knee five times.
You can't hit anywhere else on my body.
And where are you going to be hitting me? Free for all.
You're going to hit me anywhere?
Yeah. OK.
OK, so just go back to back five paces.
Yep.
One.
SPAGHETTI WESTERN THEME PLAYS
I'm...I'm ready.
Once sec, just fixing my hair.
LAUGHTER
Marks.
Get set. SHE SLURPS
Go.
Oh! You can't hit my face.
One. All right. Fire!
Oh, yes!
Oh, you better go and get your ball, babe.
Oh!
Nice.
Get in. Can I give up?
Yeah. Yeah.
Pretty exhilarating, eh?
I enjoyed the duel.
I want my weapons back, though.
That's my lunch.
APPLAUSE
Exhilarating. Exhilarating.
I enjoyed the formality of the glove slap.
Yes. Albeit with rubber gloves. Sure.
Then, I mean, basically, we're looking at two grown men
throwing fruit at each other.
Hundreds of years of tradition
were clearly there with a slightly contemporary, fruity twist.
Lovely. Yeah. But I liked that
it followed a traditional structure of a duel. OK.
I'll note that down. Which brings us on to Judi.
Hmm. Now, my observation is that you have an incredible knack
of normalising bad behaviour.
In that moment, I felt inspired by you.
Oh, here we go.
And I had to, you know, go full force with what was best
for me. For me.
And then you shot him multiple times.
That's what you're supposed to do. Whilst guzzling a cocktail, it seems.
That was for energy purposes.
See what I mean? I almost think it was fair.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Shameless.
Right? Who is next, please?
Two more now, it's time for Bridget and Chris.
DRAMATIC FANFARE
Rules are simple-ish.
You've got to be on all fours.
You have to throw as many balls as you can into the other player's basket.
OK.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
SQUEAKING
I've got stuck.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Ah! He's going to come to close.
No! Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh!
HE GROANS
Yeah!
ROARING
Aaaah!
This is it. This is it. This is not over.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, no. Yah.
SHOUTING
12, 13, 14.
11, 12. No!
12.
Yes!
You just got basketballed.
I got basketballed. APPLAUSE
It may have been the white vests that made me think you were going
to kiss at some point.
There's a lot of heavy panting.
Now, was it a duel,
that's the question? Yeah!
There's two men going at it.
So a game of table tennis is now a duel, all of a sudden. Or,
like a game of turtle ball or whatever they were playing, I mean.
Sorry, was there not enough groceries involved for you?
Bridget, I feasted my eyes on your opening look,
it was startling. Thank you.
I was exhilarated briefly.
Then, when the duel got going,
maybe the exhilaration dropped off a bit.
Well, there were obviously no horses or donkeys that I could get.
And who hasn't craved to see a donkey duel? Right.
Three quarters of the first episode has passed us by already,
but it's not over yet.
Soon someone will take home an old will and a Now 24 cassette.
We've still got it! APPLAUSE
Hello. Welcome back to the final part of the show, where there
have been several duels taking place. Yes, I haven't done very well
in them so far and my feet still hurt, but there's
one duel left. Will it be the most exhilarating one?
It's me again versus Sophie Duker.
Hi, Sophie. Hi.
Grab a weapon. These are mine? Those are yours.
Advance.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Ah.
I see.
You know why I did that?
Because the pen is mightier than the sword, Alex.
And the tongue is mightier than the pen.
All right. I'm not going to hit you with a sword or tongue. Or a tongue?
Or a tongue. I'm going to fight you with words.
There's a lot of ducks.
Yeah, the ducks are our fans.
Are they?
It's duel time, baby.
OK.
RAPS: OK, little Alex Horne
I'm going to defeat you with brains, not brawn.
I'm going to make you wish you'd never been born,
and leave you feeling so forlorn.
RAPS: OK, little Sophie Duker.
This is going to go nuclear.
How many verses do we have to do?
Will one do or do you want two?
OK, I think we need two.
I think that's the minimum that we have to do.
I think we need to do two verses, at least.
Otherwise, our raps will seem creased and not that good.
My name is little Alex.
I'm wearing a cape.
There's only so much of this that you can take.
I don't use cigarettes.
I like to vape, so you better read that word on that tape.
Caution, you're trying to caution me? Well, little Alex Horne
you're going to see.
This rap is going to act like a diuretic,
because right now you're being pretty pathetic.
That's not very nice.
I feel quite bad about this. Yeah.
I don't like threatening you.
You, look, you're smiling a lot. Right.
Instead of doing this, we could just go on a bender if you choose
this duel to surrender.
I'd like to surrender and not do the duel any more
because I can't think of any more rhymes.
Bender? Bender.
APPLAUSE Great.
8 Mile is no longer the definitive rap chronicle.
I think we both, we came to a place where we realised that violence
was not the answer.
It's a modern duel.
She set it up as a duel and she brought it bang up to date.
I suppose she did. Yeah.
I've never felt older.
I'm sure we can all agree.
A duel has got to be fair.
Well, anyone who forces your horrible little feet
into roller-skates that are too small...
..they're going to take home one point. Oh. One point for Judi Love.
Oh! OK, one to Judi. Ardal.
It was a beautiful, traditionally set up duel, but it was not
in any way exciting. Two points.
OK. Bridget, three points. Right.
It was visually exciting.
Full stop, end of critique.
Now, this is tough, but the truth is I felt that Sophie's, I don't know,
it was just bringing duel bang up to date.
All right, there you go. Four points to Chris.
Five points. Well done, Sophie Duker.
Let's have a quick look at the scores, shall we?
We've got Ardal still at the foot of the table with seven,
and the outright leader is still Chris with 18! Whoa!
OK, everyone, please make your way to the stage for the final task
of the show!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Hello. You sweet young prince.
Oh, hi.
Who's going to read the task for us?
Sophia Duker is going to read the task out. Good luck, Sophie.
Thank you. Good luck with reading.
"Count to 13 as a group, each player taking
"it in turns to say a number. Every time you say an odd number,
"you must also squat."
Thanks.
"Every time you say an even number,
"you must also jump.
"If you make a mistake, you are out.
"If you reach 13 or someone is eliminated, other rules
"will be introduced.
"If the taskmaster thinks you have hesitated for too long,
"you will be eliminated."
If you can make it reasonably obvious what you're doing and try
not to squat into your jump, that can happen.
Well, good luck, everyone.
Ardal, please start the counting.
OK, erm, one.
Ardal, that's lovely. If you could do it whilst counting, that would be great.
I think it's your turn now, Bridget.
So is it... So... Just a number really. So quicker? Yes. Two.
Yeah, but no, do it while... Yeah, I did.
But you were... Two. Right.
Lovely.
Three. Four.
Five. Six.
Seven. Eight.
Nine.
Ten. 11.
12. 13.
Lovely stuff, OK. Well, everyone made it through the round.
APPLAUSE
OK, so we are still having the same rules, it's still squat on odds
and jump on evens, but now you must salute multiples of three,
and if you wouldn't mind pronouncing multiples of four completely wrong.
Oh!
Four, eight? Well, yes, yes.
12.
You wouldn't say eight, that would be pronouncing it correctly.
No, I'll say "hango". Yeah, yeah.
OK, so, Bridget, please kick us off.
One.
Two. Three.
Fa-fa-four.
Five.
What? Hesitation!
APPLAUSE Oh, my God!
I'm fine.
So the rules are now squat on odds, of course, jump on even, salute
on threes, mispronounce multiples of fours and then all the numbers
must be French.
OK!
GROANING All the numbers must be French.
You're going to have to mispronounce
quatre, for example.
Off we go, Chris.
Un.
Deux.
Trois!
Aquatre.
MAKES ODD NOISE
WHISTLE BLOWS
I'm afraid...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It wasn't the French.
It wasn't French. It was the lack of the salute.
Out she goes.
OK, so now you must spin around when saying any numbers
that contain the letter T. Oh, I'm so glad I'm out.
And again, that's in French.
God, I'm stressed and I'm nothing to do with it.
OK. One of the worst days of me life. Yeah, so far.
It's Sophie.
Unnnnnnn.
Deux. Trois.
HE WHISTLES
I'm afraid there was an unnecessary spin from Ardal.
So another rule, of course.
Oh.
So it's squat on odds, we know that.
It's jump on evens. We know that. Salute on threes.
Mispronounce multiples of four.
All the numbers in French, spin around if they contain the letter T
in French and then pretend to be sick after saying any number
containing a single letter E!
OK, ready. Chris.
Off we go. Un. Deux.
SHE RETCHES
Lovely.
Trois.
Quaaaaaa....
..aaa...
I'm trying to remember the rules.
Have you finished?
..aaatre. APPLAUSE
PEEP! I'm afraid you weren't sick at the end.
Aw! It's a shame.
SHOUTING AND APPLAUSE I was sick!
I think she was meant to be sick after the number.
Aw, so it's over. Oh, no.
Shame.
Why don't you come back down here
and we'll see how that's affected the final score.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
More high octane stuff to finish.
Yes, it definitely made counting more fun, didn't it?
Didn't it?
Ardal and Judi share last or fourth place.
Sophie nearly got it, but in the end he amassed a huge 23 points
and the winner of the first episode,
Chris Ramsey.
APPLAUSE
Chris Ramsey wins.
Please skip up to collect your skip purse prizes.
CHEERING
We hope that you'll join us next week to find out if Judi Love
can continue to use her gift of the gab to secure
herself last place.
It's bye for now, but also it's well done to the first winner
of this series - Chris Ramsey!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media