This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Is this a joke?
Yeah! Grr.
Mm. Ooh. Ah!
Oh!
Oh, I like that!
Wow. Ooh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everybody.
Hello, and welcome to another prestigious grand final.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What a series it's been.
We've seen each of our contestants at times soar
like the mighty eagle of the plains,
and we've also seen them be rubbish.
But what will you all be talking about when the dust has settled?
Will it be Victoria's repeated submission of Greedy Esquire?
Perhaps Morgana taking any opportunity
to shove ice into her clothes.
Maybe it'll be Guz's film masterpiece, Oo-arr Blood.
LAUGHTER
Or Alan's guff-stiffened bathrobe.
It could be any of those fascinating insights into the human condition.
It'll probably be that time that Desiree ate sand though!
So, for the last time, here they are.
Please welcome Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Desiree Burch.
Guz Khan.
Morgana Robinson.
And Victoria Coren Mitchell.
And next to me, a man who once told me
I always put my botty on the potty,
in case my front water becomes smelly back cake.
LAUGHTER
It's little Alex Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whoo!
You all right? Yeah, I'm good.
I thought I'd use this platform, the final,
to reveal a part of my body I've never revealed before.
I'm a bit nervous about. Oh, you've never revealed it to anyone?
Well, I've revealed it to my closest family members. OK.
My wife, my father, my cousin.
The big three!
Mum never gets a look in, does she?
She never makes the top three.
No, well, not when it's this item.
My tail.
It's a real tail? Yeah.
You going to show it to us? I'm going to show it to you. Now?
No, no. I want you to imagine it a bit.
I've imagined it. What did it look like?
Like a horrible, disgusting, curly pig's tail.
GREG SNUFFLES
His tail's all off to one side.
Well, I'm not going to show you till the end of the show if you're going to be like that.
Oh, OK. What is the final prize task, tail boy?
You've asked them to bring in the most magnificent floppy thing. Wow.
The most magnificent floppy thing will get a well-deserved five points,
and the winner of the episode will get a quintet of magnificent
floppy things to keep forever.
Big old floppy thing.
Guz Khan. Yes.
I know you're going to bring the flop.
I wanted this final prize task to be poignant.
To be something that saves lives.
My magnificent floppy thing, it's a blood pressure monitor.
Now let me explain, if I can. Please.
If anyone can talk this up the rankings, it's you.
Thank you, thank you.
For this fairly cheap invention, yeah?
There was aunties and uncles up and down this country
who were there like, "Oh, I have a strange feeling in my chest."
Pah, dead, finished.
And because of this now,
they are able to monitor and find the silent killer.
That's what they call it in the medical world, don't they? Yeah, it's true.
Find the silent killer before it strikes
and takes them out of the game.
He sold it well. Oh, my God, he sold it well.
Have you ever worked in sales? Yeah, I have. I have.
LAUGHTER You are one silver-tongued devil.
Right, let's crash right back down to Earth.
Victoria.
Now. Now.
When I think about what I have to show you now, I feel sad.
LAUGHTER
Because it reminds me of a time, before this series started,
when we had to come up with our prizes,
we'd bring things for you, Greg.
A man who I thought loved, above all, jokes, comedy, laughter...
I do. ..happiness.
And it is with that in mind that I offer you this.
Battlefield Earth on DVD.
You see the joke I'm going there for, Greg?
Yeah, yeah, it was a flop, yeah? It was a flop.
And as I reflect on that innocent time
when I thought you would be pleased... Yeah.
..that someone had come up with a carefully-crafted pun.
This is called doubling down, isn't it?
I want to weep.
I don't mind it's a play on words, Victoria, it's nice.
Yeah. But, I mean, come on.
When the inevitable cardiac arrest strikes me and the door opens,
I'm going to be praying it's Guz and not you.
Better or worse than a heart monitor, Morgana?
It's Claudia Winkleman's fringe.
The Floppy Fringe of Winkleman.
Do you understand how much money that fringe has made? That mannequin...
That mannequin does look like Claudia Winkleman.
She's normally more tanned than that. Is that her actual fringe? Yeah.
No, that is when I played her, it's in my wig box.
Right. Don't penalise me for that one.
I'm not going to walk into her house and chop it off when she's asleep.
Exciting at the bottom, isn't it?
Alan. Well, it's a model of me.
It was made for a television programme about 20 years ago. Oh.
In which my character's wife uses a model of me as a voodoo doll
and sticks pins in,
and the props department, uh, allowed me to keep it.
And it has, uh, concealed about its person, quite a floppy surprise.
Here is the floppy Alan Davies. Yeah.
And...surprise!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wow.
The body and the legs and the head are all obviously reduced
but the penis is actual size.
But what's fascinating about this is that
the penis does not feature in the programme at all.
So it's a needless addition just for a jape.
I can't stop looking at it.
I mean, you're right. I actually can't take my eyes off it.
It's sort of making my mouth water.
Love... LAUGHTER
Oh, Alex.
You're a naughty otter.
That is out of character.
That's what I thought, but there it is.
It's in danger of scoring higher than life-saving machinery.
Desiree, good luck.
Yeah, I know. Now, look, that was the first thing that came to mind
when I thought about a magnificent floppy thing,
but I thought that I'd try to push myself a little further.
And the only thing that kept coming to mind was an air dancer.
So I brought an air dancer.
Oh, my gosh. Right?
ALAN: My cock can do that, by the way!
Does it have arms?
Ooh, man.
I don't know how this reflects on me, the way I'm scoring this.
I don't think it reflects on me well. Here we go.
What do you want me to do, Victoria?
It's my least favourite. Give her one point.
My second least favourite is a pretend Claudia Winkleman's fringe.
OK. So now it's three, four, and five.
And now, I've got to decide between Alan Davies's penis
and a life-saving piece of equipment.
Life creating piece of equipment.
Yeah.
I guess I want it put on record that I equate living
with Alan Davies's penis.
Four points for both men.
The most visually-exciting is Desiree.
I'm going to give Desiree five points.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm thirsty for a task, Alex.
Well, let me quench that thirst with a lovely little drinking task.
Lab, baby. Hi, Alex.
Good morning, Guz. How are you? Tiptop.
Should I just help myself?
OK.
Drink all...
You guys are so stupid.
OK. Drink all this drink with your mouth open.
ALAN: Your mouth must be visibly open throughout.
What is it?
No idea.
The fastest wins.
Your time starts and your mouth must open when Alex blows the whistle.
There we are.
Yet again, Desiree baffled we've asked her to do something silly.
SHE LAUGHS
I think that every time you opened a task,
you were hoping that it would be calculate your taxes
and pay by January the 31st.
OK, we begin with Morg... Alan Rabies.
Mor... Morg... Morgana and Alan Davies.
WHISTLE BLOWS
SHE GARGLES
Oh, I can't see you. Yeah.
It's not going down, Alan.
Open, please. Open, open, please, Alan.
HE COUGHS
It's not fair for you to say funny things.
It's shut again, Alan.
If I use a straw...
Always open, please, Alan.
If I use a straw... Uh-huh.
..does that count?
Cos my mouth, it won't be fully closed, will it?
SHE COUGHS
Nearly finished.
Hmm, is that open? Mm.
It's quite shut, Alan. Nah-uh.
SHE SNORTS
LAUGHTER
HE SLURPS
I'll stop the clock.
That's a strange way to drink.
Uh, well, I would choke less.
There's something about if you put it in this way...
..your epiglottis wants to close.
APPLAUSE
Yeah, it was some great epiglottis work!
You sort of looked like a paralysed heron for a lot of it.
Corr!
GREG GAGS
You don't see them choking very often.
You don't see them holding the back of their heads very often.
To stop their head going back further?
Well, I thought you looked graceful...next to Alan,
who looked throughout, to me, like a 12-year-old boy,
especially when he worked out his straw technique.
Which I will allow, by the way, his mouth's clearly open.
Well, the liquid can't go through if it's closed.
That's what I thought.
I think it's perfectly reasonable.
The mouth isn't shut if the mouth has something in it.
Play on. Sure.
A drop more now in the form of Guz and Victoria.
Are you ready? Oh, I mean...
Yeah, go on, go on. WHISTLE BLOWS
I can't do it.
This can't be done.
I mean, can I even use a straw?
That is cold! Pardon?
That is cold. HE BURPS
It's gone? It's cold, man. It's gone? It's cold. It's gone?
No, cold. Co...
HE COUGHS
LAUGHTER
I'm trying to do it.
No.
LAUGHTER
SHE EXCLAIMS
HE GARGLES
Have you finished, Guz? Thank you, guys. What were you trying to say?
It's really cold. Cold?
Yeah, it made my heart murmur.
I don't know if the funnel helps, really.
No, it's too disgusting. It's too disgusting!
Are you saying you just had a heart attack? A little...
Not a major one, you know what I mean?
My eyes didn't go blurry, but I felt like a...
MAKES PULSING SOUND
I'm drinking it.
Ooh, that was great. I've stopped the clock. Lovely.
Is it fair to say that that task marks the end
of your career as a ventriloquist?
What was the tube technique all about?
Were you hoping to funnel it directly into your stomach,
bypassing your mouth? I thought it would force me to keep my mouth open
because you involuntarily close it.
I should point out, Greg, that due to an admin error,
all the drinks were at room temperature except for one person,
whose was very nearly freezing cold.
And it was admin error as opposed to a mischievous little game?
It was so cold. I was struggling to breathe a little bit,
and while I was struggling to breathe thinking,
I need an ambulance here, he's like, keep your mouth open, Guz.
Guz, your mouth must be open, Guz.
I was going to dash that fucking Ribena at his head.
It's just in the rules. Well, it was very entertaining.
OK, we must now rest, recharge, and return.
Alex says there's a rash he wants me to look at - and it's on Alan.
ALEX GASPS See you after the break.
Hello, welcome back to part two of our massive final.
Before the break, our contestants had a bit of a drinking problem.
Yes, they couldn't close their mouths.
That was the rule of the task. We've seen four of them let loose
on the juice so far. Now finally, with one for the road, it's Desiree.
Good luck.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
SHE GULPS
I'll stop the clock.
SHE LAUGHS
Yes!
Incredible. Wow. Ahh!
I don't know what the hell's going on.
I read that task and I was like, y'all don't know me.
But I acted like I was like... I basically walked into a room,
slammed some sugar, and was like, where's the task? Like,
that was great. That was so enjoyable.
I don't mind telling you, it's left me a little unsettled.
And that must've affected things.
You know, really, she was the fourth slow...
No, no, she was the fastest. Seven seconds.
So, it's undoubtedly five points to Desiree.
Beneath that, despite the cold,
Guz did it in one minute five seconds, Alan two minutes
eight seconds, Morgana exactly three minutes, and Victoria
eight minutes and a half. It was not! Eight and a half minutes?
I'm afraid so. I was going to do great things. You know?
When I was a child, you know, full of promise. And I could read early.
And yet, this is the person we're celebrating.
Please may I see the first scoreboard of the final,
please, Alex, thank you?
Yes, of course. The series scores are incredible.
Victoria, you're on 110.
However, the other four,
there's only five points separating them all.
Alan's on 149, Desiree on 150, Guz on 153,
Morgana just one point ahead on 154.
Ooh! Whoa. Oh, my God.
And in this particular episode,
Desiree has maximum points, so she's in the lead with ten.
Next! It's the last team task, Greg, and it's all very confusing.
Hello.
Ooh, hi, Alan.
In here?
There's a thing.
Using your whole body to make individual characters.
Describe the Taskmaster.
Your description must be a minimum of 20 characters long.
Most vivid description wins. You have ten minutes.
Your time starts when the whistle blows.
Do you mean characters as in like A, B, C, or D?
OK. Like spell it out?
Yes, but it also opens up
the world of punctuation. And emojis.
Punctuation and emo...?
Before I blow the whistle, Alan. Yeah?
Would you mind putting the ear defenders on?
Very tight.
Hello, Desiree. Hello, there, Alex.
Please go in there.
Oh, hello, Alan.
Work out what your team-mate's task is.
SHE LAUGHS
You must stay in the caravan
and not communicate with your team-mates in any way.
After ten minutes,
you must write down what you think their tasks were.
Best guesser wins.
Your time starts when the whistle blows.
In the meantime, would you mind popping on those ear defenders?
Absolutely. Thank you.
Hello, Guz. All right, mate, how are you?
I'm good. Can you go up there, please?
Lick a chocolate button.
Stick it on your forehead then transfer
the chocolate button to your mouth without touching it
with your hands or leaving the chair.
It says your time starts when the whistle is blown.
OK. Good luck, everyone.
WHISTLE Ah-ha.
A few different things going on, Greg.
So, Guz had a different task from everybody else.
Yes. In a way, we didn't need Guz.
LAUGHTER
Did you have a nice time? Did you enjoy your task?
I did, actually. Yeah? Yeah.
You'll find out. OK, sorry. I'll speed up.
Right then, we're going to see the team of three first.
That's right, it's the loud people.
LAUGHTER
Two.
Three.
Ooh!
WHISTLE
HE BURPS
Thank you, Morgana. Thanks, Guz.
So what do you think Guz's task was?
OK, well, his was easy.
He had to blink those chocolate dots that were stuck on his forehead off
into his mouth and then eat them.
And what do you think Morgana's task was?
She was obviously spelling things out with her body.
Some kind of a phrase. There was like an H,
and a T, and an X, for sure, something maybe about a galaxy?
Um, the story is,
in a galaxy far, far away, everyone has tiny penises.
OK.
Oh, my God.
Guz, presumably you just had a lovely old time doing that.
Yeah, bit of like indigestion. Yeah.
A lot. I think I did about 36 buttons in the end.
Your task was just get one from your forehead to your mouth.
Was it? But you ploughed through 36. Yeah.
No points involved, but lovely, delicious buttons.
Now, I wrote down what I think she was spelling out.
Mm-hm.
And that I got a grumpy fat man who enjoys fights,
kicking people, and soiling himself in front of a snake.
Interesting. Yeah, I mean, you knew what the task was, I suppose.
Yeah. So but that is closer than Desiree's.
The thing is, she started with the letters and did pretty well.
For example, this was one of her words.
Yes. Look at that! Yes, yes.
What she actually did was tall and grumpy. You got grumpy.
And flirty and a little sexy. That's where the little...
And a tiny bit sexy. Only a tiny bit. A tiny bit sexy?
Yeah, I was actually being very flattering
and hoping that would get me a few more marks. Tick. Well,
you would be getting loads of marks if it wasn't
for Desiree fucking it up.
Oh, no. The adverts are here again. Hide!
Hello, welcome back to the Taskmaster final.
Alex, I'd like you to summarise what's just happened
in the highest possible voice you can. Of course.
HIGH VOICE: We're in the middle of a little...
Of course, we're in the middle of a team task, everyone.
The first group have had a go.
Now it's Victoria's turn to work out what Alan's task is,
and Alan's task is to use his body to shape characters
to describe Greg.
Most favourite description wins. Let's see them go!
VICTORIA LAUGHS
What's he doing?!
What...?
What is that?! What is that shape?
Oh, got it. Got it.
That's very good.
Is that part of it?
This one I absolutely don't get.
Honestly, in MY head, it's crystal.
Uh...
Ooh, God!
SHE GIGGLES
What are you doing?
I can't do this one. What are you...? It's too hard.
SHE LAUGHS
It just feels like Bruce Forsyth!
Alan, you may return to the house. Thanks.
I enjoyed that. Victoria, what do you think Alan's task was?
I think Alan was trying to embody the letters that spell
the well-known phrase Caring Uncle Minpict.
Caring Uncle...?
Caring Uncle Minpict.
HE MOUTHS
APPLAUSE
There was a part halfway through that task where you went, "Got it. Got it."
Well, that was getting that he was being a letter. Ah.
It wasn't when you realised that he was using
the classic well-known phrase "caring uncle minpict"?
It that was effectively me saying he's describing the Taskmaster
because I think of Greg as Caring Uncle Minpict.
A lot of people do. Yes.
Shall I show you what Alan did? And you can see if you can work out
what he was trying to say? It's actually five words.
Grand? No. It is grand. Grand. Grand...
Father? Grandfather? It's not grandfather.
Flo, flo, flo, flock?
Yes. Flo is right.
Florid. Florid. Ooh, I like florid!
Grand, florid. Florid... Pi? Not pig.
Pi? Not pig or grandfather.
Grand florid something tall man.
What is this third word, though? Pig is close.
Big? Big. Yes. Grand, florid, big, tall man. Correct!
Aww! Grand, florid, big, tall, caring uncle minpict!
LAUGHTER
I sort of feel like
this should be maybe one point separating the teams.
OK, but which one gets that point?
Well, obviously, uh, Alan and Caring Uncle Minpict were better.
Right. So, uh, let's give them both five points...
OK. ..and give the other team four points each.
Victoria and Alan get five points!
CHEERING
I propose ONE FINAL TASK!
And that is a great proposal.
Hello.
Can I pull this off? I don't know. No, never mind.
Let's leave it on after breaking shit in your house all the time. Came off anyway.
It's like a chuppah. Pardon?
You don't know what that is, do you?
I think it's something to do with the Jewish faith.
Yes, it's a place you might have a wedding.
Interesting. Yeah.
I'm assuming that's not the task.
Yes! Oh. It is a chuppah!
Propose to Alex in the most irresistible way.
You have 30 minutes. Your time starts now.
Have you proposed to anyone before, Alan?
Only my wife.
So, you know, I'm one for one, as they say.
Have you proposed to anyone before, Victoria?
Of course I haven't! What are you suggesting?
I think, when I proposed to her,
it was the only time ever in my life that I've had snuff.
And if I hadn't had the snuff, I might not have done it.
I don't know. What do you like?
This would've required years of getting to know you. Um...
I've got a Wikipedia entry.
It's likely that you're going to be inhaling something.
Lovely.
What I take from that is that Victoria's very serious about
the sanctity of a marriage proposal,
and that when Alan proposed to his wife,
he was off his face on snuff.
Let's see how they get on.
OK, well, here is Desiree
asking me, Alex Horne, for my hand in marriage.
Alex, my darling. Come to me. This is wonderful.
Isn't it just?
I know we've only known each other for a brief time,
but I've developed some strong feelings I felt like I needed to share with you.
This is a song that I've created, original composition.
♪ Furry little Alex Horne
♪ I've fancied you since you were born
♪ If you got mad and killed a guy
♪ I would be your alibi
♪ Won't you marry me, Alex?
♪ Cos I do... Wait.
♪ Cos I don't have a gag reflex! ♪
So, Alex Horne, will you make me the happiest weirdo?
Will you do me the great honour
of spending the rest of our lives together?
Will you marry me?
Desiree? Alex.
I'm going to go and think about it. Thank you. Of course.
I'm going to keep this until I've made my decision. Absolutely.
You suck on that and think about things.
APPLAUSE
Ah. I could watch that again.
I mean, there's a couple of things I should probably just speed by.
The fact that you fancied Alex since he was born. That's early.
Yeah. We should probably leave that.
I enjoyed the remote control car. Yes, me too.
And I enjoyed the aggression of your final statement,
"Think about it and suck on that."
It's a strong and unsettling start.
OK. Well, next, I'm going to be proposed to by Guz Khan.
Oh, wow. Yes.
So what I'd like to say to you, my brother, is I've been on this show with you.
I don't think people look out for your welfare.
They don't look out for how you're feeling.
It's a long ass day. It is a long ass day.
Yeah. So I've prepared something for you. Get in bed, go on.
In bed? Yeah, get in bed. Go on.
You did that for me? Yeah, lean back, take your feet off.
Look.
How's that feel, man? Comfy, ain't it?
It's lovely. Yeah. Look, there's a skull there with a rose in it.
Look, Alex, this task was to propose to you
in the most irresistible way.
And there's two versions of irresistible.
One of those is red roses and fairy lights.
But there's another version. The victory version.
Which is "irresistible" meaning something so convincing
that somebody can't say no.
DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
Will you marry me?
APPLAUSE
ALEX SNIFFS
Strong smell o...what is that?
Tomato sauce because it's supposed to represent blood, from The Godfather. Oh, I see, yeah.
Someone told me you liked the movie. Well, I like Jaws.
He likes Jaws, not...!
I'm going to think about it. Yeah? Irresistible!
Wow... Wow.
Can I say, Greg, I genuinely didn't know there was anything under
the blanket? About the horse's head? I genuinely didn't know.
That was all... All of these, I don't know what's going to happen.
I just love what anyone who hasn't watched The Godfather trilogy,
what they'll be thinking of that intimate and horrific proposal.
Want to see another? Yeah.
It's Alan now with a very Alan marriage proposal.
Hi, Alex. Alan.
Um, would you mind just,
uh, inhaling some of the...persuasive elixir?
Huh?!
That's it. And just breathe in?
Yeah, breathe in.
Keep breathing in.
It's definitely going to help.
Now you can uncover.
Ho, ho, ho. Ah.
Uh, this is, uh, d-dowry, of course.
Was that there before, the cow?
Would you like this trained?
If you're amenable...
Oh, there's more, is there? ..I have a prenuptial agreement.
Do you now? Thank you.
Do you accept the proposal, or...?
I'll sign the 'nup. OK.
And... I will think about it.
OK, that's all I can ask, I suppose, at this stage.
Thank you.
Jesus Christ.
What was Alex inhaling to soften him for marriage?
Vicks VapoRub.
That helped clear your head while Alan got into character.
LAUGHTER
And then we all know, if there's one thing that will guarantee
a yes to a marriage proposal, it's a surprise cow.
Right, we're stopping again.
Only one part left this series when our champion will be crowned.
Excited, Alex?
I see you've got another wee patch for me. See you soon!
APPLAUSE
Oh, hello.
Welcome to the final showdown.
Nearly ten hours of adrenalin-fuelled television
have built up to this moment.
But somehow, instead of a huge elaborate showpiece,
a battle to end all battles,
our almighty gladiators are wasting their time proposing to Alex.
Yes, I admit I am a little bit embarrassed about it now.
But at the time, I thought it was quite "big-a-my".
Next up,
I'm going to be proposed to by Victoria Coren Mitchell.
I'm too committedly married already,
and I never proposed to my own husband,
so to propose to someone else's husband, it would be all wrong.
However, here's my proposal.
The opportunity is there to have a wedding
that, to you, doesn't count as a wedding.
Sorry, are you proposing to me right now?
We've got a whole house at our disposal, a caravan.
Wedding and honeymoon right here.
SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY
Feels like you're proposing right now.
If I were, what would you say?
Would you mind taking one more surname?
I think you'd have to take my surname.
But only the Coren. I think to take my husband's surname
would be disrespectful, to be honest.
I'm becoming Alex Coren? I think so.
I can't believe you need to think about it!
I've proposed to someone for the first time in my life,
you're not even accepting immediately. Can I have half an hour?
All right. OK. Thanks, Victoria... Thank you.
..Coren... Mitchell...
..Horne.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Well, I have to say, gut instinct tells me
Victoria doesn't want you to marry her.
It was the only instant proposal.
I genuinely worried about it, though. Yes.
I know it's ridiculous.
I'm so happily married, I'm so besotted with my husband,
I genuinely worried about proposing to another man,
even as a joke.
I thought maybe that's not nice. It's ridiculous.
It's pretty damn sweet, if you ask me. Yeah.
And it just shows the lack of regard
that the other people here have for their partners.
Nah, don't say that!
No, I love you.
Relax, bro. This is a game show.
Very sweet, Victoria. Mm. You get sweet points.
And what do they translate to on this show? Ah.
Not many points.
Let's play on.
Last of all, really last of all, it's Morgana Robinson.
Yeah. Hello. Come on. Yes.
"Put the sailor outfit on and follow the music."
LAUGHTER
DISTANT MUSIC
♪ La, la, la, la, la
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la
♪ La, la, la, la, la. ♪
Shut up!
Lobsters are red. Pardon?
Ocea... I said, lobsters are red,
oceans are blue,
I won't give you crabs
if you let me marry you.
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la
♪ La, la, la, la, la. ♪
What sort of crabs? Itchy ones.
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la. ♪
Um... Morgana? Yeah?
I really appreciate everything you've done,
and I will think about it.
Thank you.
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. ♪
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What a spectacular proposal. Mm.
Of course, the correct answer to a proposal like that
from an obviously psychotic mermaid...
..is no.
Also, never trust someone who tells you straight away
that they haven't got crabs.
"# La, la, la, la. #"
That's going to be stuck in my head for the rest of my life.
Well, all right.
I could barely separate some of these. Right.
Victoria's was a pretty damn weak proposal,
but it was a fairly sweet response.
I'm going to give Victoria an unbelievable
three points.
Fair enough. Three points to Victoria. That's very nice of you.
APPLAUSE
Um, I could not separate a menthol snorting proposal
and an announcement of a weak gag reflex.
I'm giving both of those four points.
OK, four to Alan, four to Desiree. Lovely.
And when you've got productions on this scale,
then both people, for very different reasons,
have got to take a sweet five with them.
Five points to Guz and Morgana.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Shall we look at the scores one more time?
Yes, we shall. The series is still in the balance
as we go into the final task, and so is this episode.
Guz is on 17 in second,
and Desiree has 18 points in first!
Oh, snap!
All right, everyone. Please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the series!
APPLAUSE
SCATTERED LAUGHTER
Oh!
LAUGHTER
It's the final. Show some decorum.
Go on.
Morgana Robinson's going to read the task. Read on.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
One at a time,
make a noise without the Taskmaster identifying you.
The person who makes the most unidentified noises wins.
What's going to happen is
the Taskmaster will not be looking at you.
I will give you a type of noise you have to make.
You have to make the noise for at least two seconds.
Greg will guess who he thinks was making the noise.
There are three rounds.
The person who is identified the least wins.
OK. Revolve me.
Bit too far, Greg.
Too far the other way now.
Again, too far again. Oh, imagine him parking.
LAUGHTER
OK, so the first noise you're going to make is birdsong,
and the first person to the front is this person.
So they're now going to make their way to the front.
We need two seconds of noise
and Greg will guess who made the noise.
Here comes the noise.
SHE CHIRPS
Greg, who was making that beautiful noise?
Morgana.
The next person to come to the front is this person.
They're making their way to the front now.
Here comes the noise.
HE HOOTS
LAUGHTER
I think it was Alan.
They're now returning to their spot.
OK, the next person to make a noise is this person.
Here comes the noise.
HE COOS AND CHIRPS
Hmm...
I think it was Alan again.
Oh, God, was it?
No, I think I made a mistake first time.
I'm going to say Alan for that second one.
OK. Next person to the front is this person, please.
Here comes the noise.
SHE CHEEPS
Victoria.
And there is, of course, just one person left.
Here comes the noise.
SHE CHIRPS
Desiree.
SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY
That's the end of round one, Greg.
I can tell you that you got one Alan correct
and one Desiree correct.
It's time for round two, and round two is, of course,
two seconds of beatboxing.
SHE WHISPERS: What is that...? What is beatboxing?
You don't want to give away your hand too much.
I think what you're probably hoping is that you don't go first.
What I'm hoping is that you do.
LAUGHTER
The first person to beatbox is...
They're making their way to the front.
Here comes the noise.
VERY QUIETLY: Puh. Puh. Puh.
Shh. Puh.
It's either someone who doesn't know what beatboxing is, Victoria...
Right. ..or it's someone pretending they don't know what it is.
That level of cunning, I'm going to attribute to Morgana.
The next person to demonstrate their beatboxing skills... Yeah.
Here comes the noise.
Pff, chh. Pff, chh. Pff, chh.
Pff, pff, chh.
Desiree.
SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY
OK, there are three left to beatbox.
The next person is this person.
Here comes the noise.
Prrp, chh. Prrp, chh. Prrp, chh. Prrp, chh.
Alan.
It's this person now.
Sha-bay-be-do boop, boop, boo.
Guz.
And there is one left.
I think we on the stage know who it is.
They're making their way to the front.
LAUGHTER
SHE BLOWS RHYTHMICALLY
And there was the noise. Victoria.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And I can tell you, Greg, that you got Alan right...
Just Alan?
..and Desiree and Guz and Morgana and Victoria.
I got everyone right?
OK, so the very last round in the series.
The category is big, scary monster.
The first person to make the noise of a big, scary monster...
..is that person.
Here comes the noise.
Oh.
LAUGHTER Oh, indeed.
Victoria.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
I just think Victoria thought, "He won't be expecting this of me."
Big, clompy steps.
Wrong!
The next person is this person.
Here comes the noise.
SHE RETCHES
No disrespect.
Desiree.
LAUGHTER
Oh, no!
I don't think it was.
I think it was actually Morgana, but my first answer was my first answer.
Next up, this person.
Here comes the noise.
SHE HISSES
Alan Davies.
LAUGHTER, SHE MOUTHS
Just two left, Greg.
The penultimate person is this person.
They're at the front and here comes the noise.
HE COOS - SCREECHED: - Wow!
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
GREG LAUGHS
I don't know!
I don't know who the Wow Monster is.
I think that might've been Desiree.
SHE MOUTHS OK, you've guessed Desiree
for a second time.
One left, of course. Yeah.
Here comes the final noise.
HE PURRS, MOANS IN PLEASURE
GREG LAUGHS
I think that was Morgana.
SHE MOUTHS You may return to your spot.
And before we go any further, I want to say,
the only one I care about getting right was Victoria.
Well, Greg, the only one you got right... Aw, what?!
..was Victoria.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
You may now turn and face your contestants again.
Oh, my God.
I think I just thought everyone was Desiree.
THEY LAUGH
Well, I know what you think of me now, thanks a lot!
Well, I had so much fun.
Come down here, we'll add it the final scores of the final show!
And so...
Wonderful game of noises and listening we had.
You got all the beatboxers. I really did.
But only one of the big, scary monsters. Old clumpy shoes.
It meant so much to you.
I'm miles behind, you couldn't just go, "Oh, that sounds like Guz."
No.
It would've choked you.
Victoria, Desiree, and Alan you got right twice.
Guz and Morgana, just the once.
So it's three points to the people in joint third,
five points to Guz and Morgana!
APPLAUSE OK.
Which means, in the episode... Yeah.
..the winner by one point,
from Desiree, is Guz Khan.
Guz Khan!
Guz Khan wins.
Please go and flap about with your magnificent floppy things.
GUZ: Woo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Whoa, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, yes...
DESIREE LAUGHS
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's the end, my friends.
And, genuinely, I'm quite sad.
I'm sad because I really feel like the cast were finally
getting into their stride.
But it's been a pleasure scoring their efforts,
and from my powerful decisions, I've created a new champion.
So now, all that's left to do is to hand over to little Alex Horne
to close the lid on the series and reveal the final scores.
Alex, do your thing.
OK. Well, I thought they were all terrific.
Uh, some of them m-much more terrific
than the others at getting points.
In fifth place, with 121 of them, it's Victoria Coren Mitchell!
APPLAUSE Aww!
Just 40 points above her, in fourth,
with 161 points
is Desiree Burch. APPLAUSE
And on the same number of points, Alan Davies! Oh!
Also with 161 points.
In second place, six points above them,
with 167 points,
it's Guz Khan. MORGANA SQUEALS
APPLAUSE
Which means, with 168 points...
Our new Taskmaster champion is Morgana Robinson!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
FANFARE PLAYS
LAUGHTER
THEME TUNE PLAYS
Subtitles by Red Bee Media