This programme contains strong language, and was recorded
in accordance with all social distancing guidelines
in place at the time of filming.
TITTERING
PING
INCOHERENT YELLING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to the opening link
for another episode of Taskmaster.
Like all good sporting competitions,
you're about to see a group of athletes
go head-to-head in a series of challenges
until one of them proves themself to be the very best.
Unlike regulated sport,
there are no restrictions on performance-enhancing drugs.
Here at Taskmaster, we have a simple mantra -
if it makes them more entertaining,
let them gobble on illegals until the cows come home.
LAUGHTER
So, here they are! Five pumped-up roid-heads,
on the edge of mental and physical collapse.
Daisy May Cooper!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Johnny Vegas!
Katherine Parkinson!
Mawaan Rizwan!
And Richard Herring!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And, next to me, it's the one and only,
the brilliant, the talented, the charming...
SQUEAKS: ..little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Greg. That's all right. Very kind.
I... Oh, I'm so sorry.
Sorry, there's been a mix-up.
That was the script for my godson's wedding.
Sorry, I'll just do that bit again.
Here we are, and next to me
is a man who once did a poo in a paddling pool.
LAUGHTER
It's little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Greg.
Right. Let's get on with it, though, shall we?
I wish that you would tell me what the prize category is.
Granted! Today, it's a rather special one
which I know is close to a lot of people's hearts.
Yes, it's the best thing that is bigger at the top than the bottom.
Like a funnel.
So, the person who's brought in the best thing
that is bigger at the top than the bottom will get five mega points,
and, at the end of the show, the overall winner will take home
some seriously top-heavy prizes. Lovely. Thank you.
I am going to start with... little Richard Herring.
Ah, thank you. What thing have you brought in?
It is a Cornetto.
Mm. Good. LAUGHTER
It tapers down to a point. It's a tapered ice cream all right.
Have you been talking to Daisy about how to choose prizes for this?
LAUGHTER
I just went literal, I went what's bigger and better than...
I couldn't really think of anything.
Yeah. Fine, so you had a little chat with Daisy.
She said, just fall into your kitchen, grab the first thing...
Grab the first thing that you can, and get one point!
Yeah. Good.
Daisy. This could be the first time
that you're not the worst at this round.
I have brought in a cotton bud
wearing a pirate's hat made out of a face wipe.
LAUGHTER
Yes, she's made this for you.
LAUGHTER
You've upped your game.
Do you think? Yes!
I call it Captain Budwash.
LAUGHTER
I mean, it is what it is. No, that is true, I've confirmed that.
It is what it is.
LAUGHTER
I get your strategy. It's...
It's not to focus on round one, I get it.
LAUGHTER
Johnny, what have you brought in to beat those two?
It's a huge part of everyone's life.
Where would we be without it?
It's a toilet.
LAUGHTER Here it is.
He has genuinely brought in a toilet.
It's bigger at the top than it is at the bottom.
Otherwise it would be a suppository.
And did you genuinely bring this in from home?
I genuinely brought that in from home, and I'm not happy with it,
because them smaller tanks,
I have to flush it four times to shift anything.
GROANING
Listen, you're preaching to the converted. I'm a four-flush man.
Well, I've got a couple of the Victorian ones,
and I was never prouder when my dad came out of using that
and he went... "That'd shift a bike." Yeah!
They're amazing. LAUGHTER
My grandmother's was exactly the same.
You could put a live fox in that, and it would... One flush, gone!
LAUGHTER
Katherine, this is going to take some losing.
It's an acorn...
that would grow, obviously, into an oak tree.
So, here is the oak tree that the winner will get
in approximately 200 years.
LAUGHTER
I mean, I quite like it. Tonight, they're going to get this.
Yeah.
Still smaller at the bottom.
Well, that way up it's big at the top...
Big at the top. Yeah. Cos it's upside down.
Yeah, but it would be hanging from... Like that.
I suppose it would be, wouldn't it?
I don't mind it, Katherine. I think it's pretty imaginative.
Aww! I thought that you would understand it better
than Alex, actually. Yeah, couldn't get my head round it at all.
It fulfils the criteria, and it promises to fulfil the criteria
even more. For 1,000 years.
Yeah, for 1,000 years...
Well done you. Thank you.
Oh. Mawaan.
You're so unpredictable.
Am I?!
I brought in something that we all use on a regular basis.
It's a microphone in a microphone stand.
Right. Here it is.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God!
And did you create that? Yeah, I basically made it for a show
cos I had this idea, yeah...
Like, a stand-up show, audience walk in,
there's a mic and microphone stand on stage... Yeah.
But I wanted to be that microphone stand and mic
to maximise my stage time.
And I'll be honest, the audience reaction...
..it deserved better. It was muted. Yeah. Yeah.
I really like it.
Cool. You've been in a very nice mood this evening, Greg.
Yeah, I am, so far. Acorn, microphone stand,
Captain Budwash, toilet, and an ice cream.
LAUGHTER
My favourite was Mawaan's.
Five points to Mawaan Rizwan.
APPLAUSE
My second favourite was Katherine's.
Oh! Four points for an acorn! Lovely oak tree.
Well done, Katherine. So much potential.
My third favourite was Johnny bringing an entire toilet in.
Course it is. Three points to Johnny Vegas.
APPLAUSE
And my next favourite is Captain Budwash.
Yes! APPLAUSE
Budwash, remarkably, gets two points.
I'm going to give one point to Richard Herring.
LAUGHTER
OK, we're off!
All right, then, let's get into the show proper.
What have we got first?
We have this, your regular task involving a robotic golf caddy,
many upturned picnic benches, a couple of chickens,
and a swivelling office chair.
CLUCKING
DAISY: Chicken!
Are you talking to me?
No.
LAUGHTER
Hello. Hey, man.
KATHERINE: I need some shades. Want me to get you some shades? No. OK.
"Get to the... Get to that finish line...
"..clutching chicken number two."
"Get chicken number one across the start line
"aboard radio-controlled Mawaan."
Oh, not numbered chickens!
LAUGHTER
So, that's going one way, you're going the other.
You're going to have to swap chickens
with the remote-control Katherine. OK.
You must sit on the office chair at all times.
If anything touches the little robots...
your attempt is over.
Oh, those little robot things. They're brilliant!
Yeah, little robots there.
Your time starts...now.
LAUGHTER
He's off!
Nice to see a little bit of footage from a retirement home.
LAUGHTER
So, it's a classic game of
Remote-controlled Avoid The Mini Robots Office Chair Chicken Swap.
Absolutely it is.
LAUGHTER I'm glad you summed it up.
Lovely. That's exactly what it is. Let's crack on.
This looks like a pretty sweet game.
OK, well, he's the youngest here by a considerable stretch.
But will that help when it comes to swivel chair caddy driving
and chicken swapping? Let's see. It's Mawaan Rizwan.
OK, ready?
HE GASPS
LAUGHTER
Come on, move along.
No, what are you doing?!
Wow!
APPLAUSE
Oh, sorry, I didn't press stop!
Sorry...
Yeah! That's how you do it.
That's going to take some beating.
Well, I thought it was going to be really hard to do.
Mawaan comes in...
He made it look like everyone does it at home all the time.
He was so natural. He went off at exactly the same speed
as the remote-control golf caddy.
Yeah, but they've all been raised with that technology.
KATHERINE: Yeah, exactly, yeah. What, chicken remote controls?
LAUGHTER
You mean because he's slightly younger? How old are you?
28. I'm not even that young.
It's ridiculous to suggest you look young,
dressed as you are as a college professor.
LAUGHTER
OK, I'm calling a time-out.
Go and feast on some ads like the ravenous consumers you are,
and, when you return, we'll see the grown-ups having a go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome back to the show.
I missed you.
Next up, they're a perfect fit.
It's Dick and Johnny.
LAUGHTER
Oh!
Oh, OK. I see, there's some little robots here!
Oh!
I think he's in.
Ooh!
Right...
No, without hitting the chicken!
LAUGHTER
Oh, God! Oh, God, oh, quick, quick, quick!
Ahh.
I've stopped the clock, Johnny.
Cheers, man.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Richard.
APPLAUSE
Thank you, Johnny.
I'm going to take the remote control off you now.
That's one of them I want another go at.
You can have a go at lunch if you want.
No, I'll just go on Amazon Prime.
Yeah? Get myself, what, 50 benches...
APPLAUSE
I mean, again, it sort of panned out
exactly as I imagined it would pan out, really. Mm.
Richard, it looked like he was having a lovely day out
with the other old people.
LAUGHTER
"Ooh, there's some little robots there!
"How funny." LAUGHTER
And then, within seconds, Johnny's life falls apart.
LAUGHTER
It's my first experience of an electronic golf caddy,
do forgive me!
Sorry, have you not played
Remote-Controlled Avoid The Mini Robots Office Chair Chicken Swap?
LAUGHTER
It was banned in our house.
I mean, it worked.
Neither of them clashed with the little robots at any point,
so they've secured some times. Tick!
Richard, 4 minutes 30.
And how did Johnny do?
3 minutes 40.
He beat Richard? Currently in second place.
Really? Yeah.
Wow. APPLAUSE
That's bad. LAUGHTER
Let's move on.
Well, finally, brace yourselves, it's Daisy May Kath Park.
Here.
Right.
When are you going to go, do you reckon?
That's in the bin, is it?
Sorry? Nothing.
And...
OK...
Oh, I can see the little robots!
OK.
Oh, God.
Come on, little buggers.
Ahhh!
Oh...
SHE WAILS
No!
Oh, God.
Stop!
Oh, God.
Arghh!
Watch out for those little robots.
Hmm, what's happened there?
Yeah, nothing.
No!
ALEX GROANS
Sorry!
Yes!
APPLAUSE
I've stopped the clock. Thank you, Daisy.
Where's it gone?
Did anything touch the little robots?
Oh.
I did.
Yay!
Now, Katherine... Yeah? I'm not going to stop the clock yet.
Do you remember what the task was? Chicken had to be on it.
Yeah. It's number two, isn't it?
Well, all the information's on the task.
Yeah, it's in the bin.
LAUGHTER
It's number one.
Oh, God.
No! Where's it going?!
I didn't do that! You didn't do it?
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
APPLAUSE
ALEX BLOWS HIS WHISTLE
Well done, Katherine, you've completed the course.
APPLAUSE
I hate robots.
Androids.
Anything futuristic. Yeah, I do.
If that's what the future looks like, it can fuck off. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, it isn't what the future looks like. No.
I had a remote control car as a child, and I'm 100.
LAUGHTER
I don't drive.
No!
No, which I do think is relevant,
and you might want to take into consideration.
I mean, I just wrote down...
"Katherine's driving licence should be taken off her."
Right. Never had one.
Well, Daisy was very fast round the course, 3 minutes 23.
I think she would have won a lot of...
new Remote-Controlled Caddy Chicken Swap fans.
However... Ah, bollocks.
But she's disqualified. Cos she hit the mini robots. Oh...
She did hit the mini robots. She didn't care!
No! Nooo!
Katherine, on the other hand, was very slow and disqualified as well.
She took over quarter of an hour. Over... I was a quarter of an hour?!
Oh, yes. LAUGHTER
It went very quickly.
It did not.
LAUGHTER
So points-wise, Greg, we've got five points for Mawaan Rizwan, obviously.
Obviously. Obviously.
We've got four points for Johnny, three points for Richard.
That's right. But what about these ladies?
They were disqualified. Zero points to Daisy and Katherine.
GROANING AND APPLAUSE
May I see a scoreboard, please? You may.
At one end, we have Daisy with two,
but at the other, it's Mawaan with 10! MAWAAN: Wow!
Ooh, wow, look at that! Strong start.
APPLAUSE
Quite! How about a new task? Good shout.
And this one's a lovely, complicated team one.
Oh, hello! Hello, Richard.
Hello, Mawaan. Hey, Alex.
Shall I open this? Yes, please.
Is that going to self-destruct?
"Tell your team-mate what is in this safe."
"You may speak into this microphone
"and they will hear your message played backwards."
"You have ten minutes to open the safe and record your message.
"The most accurate answer wins. Your time starts now."
There's a mic in here?
So that is a cassette deck. What's that?
There is a facility there to record yourself.
I need to open the safe, though.
Rouf, neves,
rouf, neves.
It's the code for the safe.
"Oeuf, leven, oeuf..."
Fou.. Four.
So if it's four seven four seven, it's seven four, seven four.
BEEPING
Oh, good.
It's seven four seven four.
BLEEPING
HE CHUCKLES GLEEFULLY
Right, I get it. Backwards talking task.
They had to record a message for their team-mates
to say what they'd discovered in the safe,
and that message was going to be played backwards to them.
First up, it's the team of three.
Good luck, Johnny, good luck, Katherine. Thank you.
"Decipher the message to work out what is in this safe."
There's a tape recorder, there's a notepad...
MAWAAN, DISTORTED: Cushun... Gireg...
Gu-reg...
Laamb... Lamb? Lamb.
Laamb... That's the only word I understood.
Wore... War?
Hairvane... Heaven.
Wore... Wall?
Cushionnn... Cushion? Hang on.
GASPING: Ohh!
What if it's something backwards? Let's do it again.
OK, nushuc, nushuc.
..ushun. ..ushonn.
Is it mission? Hang on.
Cushion or pushing.
..ushon... Pushing... Cushion.
I can't, I just... Push in, push in.
I think it's cushion.
What kind of cushion would you be pushing? Whoopee...
What else does he say?
Gerg.
Gereg.
Grreg.
Gireg. Greg!
It's something about Greg.
Mah-ull.
Mah-ll...
Llaam. Lamb. Lamb.
Lllam. Lamb. Lamb.
Yeah, but we can't go with, like, a mad guess like kebab.
S-niquise.
Seuquin...
You in... Oh, my God.
Euquins...
Right, this is hardly CSI, is it?
LAUGHING: Oh, I don't know!
We've got... I've got push in, bury, war, and lamb.
LAUGHTER
..ushunn. Pushinnn...
Grreg.
Greg. Greg twice. Which means flock in Latin.
Seuquin. ..of sheep or something.
And he says lamb.
Zeyuquins... You in?
LAUGHTER
Llaam. Lamb.
It's a lamb on a cushion, that's what we've got.
I think it's a lamb kebab.
I think it's a lamb on a cushion, that's all I...
Yeah, thanks, guys. Oh, man.
CHORTLING
It's a sequined cushion.
Oh, my God, that's amazing!
It's Greg with a lamb.
APPLAUSE
I'm amazed!
I just thought we were so wide of the mark.
GREG: You didn't know it was backwards for...a lot of it. No.
But it was really fun to watch.
The only problem was
he managed to explain to them that it was a lamb on a cushion,
but it wasn't, it was an alpaca.
MAWAAN: OK, if you want to get technical...
CROWD GROANS They seemed to do well.
They got a lamb on a cushion,
they didn't get the sequins or you, in the end.
You mentioned Greg a couple of times, but pretty good. Well done!
Well done. OK, that's another part complete.
Alex, do your famous Schwarzenegger impression.
We will be back. We'll be back. We will be back.
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's the start of part three,
and time for Alex's recap.
LAUGHTER
Oh, I didn't know about that!
That is good. Yeah? I thought you'd like it.
LAUGHTER That is good. Yes, here it is.
We're currently in the thick of a fiendish backwards task
where one team-mate has to describe the contents of a safe
in a message which will be played backwards to their team-mates.
The team of three had their attempt. We now know that it was
a cushion with a picture of Greg and an alpaca on it,
so all that's left is to watch Richard and Daisy
as they demonstrate their communication stills.
LAUGHTER
Now, I do a lot of ghost recordings,
so this is one of my specialities,
figuring out what the ghosts are saying.
GARBLED NONSENSE: Eewiet it neuw.
As eq nas erw uh suh eh eh suh.
Sneuquies.
Huh?
LAUGHTER
So it's just a red pillow with sequins...
Oh, that's nice, it's got the Taskmaster...and a sheep.
Llo... Innow...
Oh. Inner...
Pih el el oh ohw.
Un, un, och...
I mean, is this message actual words, or is it letters?
PHONETICALLY:
JERKILY, IN REVERSE
Ah puss?
Wollip der.
Rrred pillow.
Redd illoww.
Oh, oh...
M... M O.
Low... Hello.
Hello! Oh, hello.
L O.
Low...
SHE GROANS
U-equins...
Snewquies.
Sequins.
Sn-i-ques.
Puh eh eh huh suh.
Us uh eh eh suh.
Ah suh eh uh.
Uh eh ah suh.
LAUGHTER
Ew ih ens. Sneuquies...
Ha hey... Eh ooh...
S-milkies.
LAUGHTER
Sequins. Sequins.
Milkies? What's that for?
That sounds like a number. Ilkies?
Hey, it's probably telling me some sort of code!
Seven... Sneuiquis.
Milkies, milkies...
Fuck.
Ah!
Milkies...
I mean, what... That's just mad.
O, N-oh, oh N-oh.
WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, what you think's in the safe, Daisy?
Pair of sunglasses.
LAUGHTER
Why didn't you put me with Katherine Parkinson?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Well, I don't know where to start.
I mean, thank God you weren't in charge of code-breaking in the war.
We would be waking up to the sound of jackboots.
LAUGHTER
I mean, interestingly, I genuinely don't know who to blame.
No, it wasn't good. Red pillow was the only thing they came out.
It felt like trying to order in a foreign restaurant.
Milkies?
LAUGHTER
Well, the trouble is Richard did some forwards and some backwards,
there wasn't a lot of consistency. Well, I've never spoken backwards,
so I didn't know whether it was better to do it forwards
and let you try... Nobody's ever spoken fucking backwards, Richard!
You got oh, oh-N-oh, and milkies.
LAUGHTER
And in the dying seconds of the task,
you said, "I think this might be a code!"
LAUGHTER
The team of three did work out there was a cushion...
Yeah, they did. ..with a sheep on,
or some sort of animal. Right, that's pretty good.
What about giving the most points to either me or Richard
for who you thought was better in the team task?
It's impossible to separate you.
He was bad at his job, and you...
You weren't even speaking. You were just...
HE BLATHERS
LAUGHTER I can't give you anything for that!
So zero for Daisy and Richard. Obviously! Obviously zero!
OK, well, that's easy enough. But for these three,
they got quite a bit, didn't they? They did.
All right, I'll give them three points each,
and that's an end to it. Three points each,
and that is the end of it.
APPLAUSE
I think we should have another task!
I do, too.
And I will now prove it!
MOOING
"Make the best marble run.
"The marble that rolls for the longest time wins.
"After releasing your marble,
"you may not touch your marble, nor do anything to affect its movement."
MAWAAN: "You have 30 minutes, and one official attempt.
"Your time starts now."
Brilliant. I think I'm going to get some pipes.
I have... I've never made a marble run.
Actually, that's the first time I've heard of that as a phrase,
"marble run".
I've never rolled a marble before.
Why not?
I don't know, I just never played marbles as a kid.
That's a shame.
Yeah, well, I had a PS1, so...
LAUGHTER
Tis a thing of beauty.
This is a contraption that will...
Not only will you see the longest marble run,
it will power this house...
..for two minutes!
LAUGHTER
Who needs wind...
..when you've got a Vegas marble run?!
LAUGHTER
I'm sorry, I'm just sorry.
Don't be sorry.
It's good to be ambitious.
Who needs wind? Who...
Who needs wind when you've got a Vegas marble run?
I should explain what a marble run is, in case people don't know.
The only person who doesn't know what a marble run is
is Katherine. "I've never heard of that."
Katherine, a marble run uses gravity
to assist in keeping a marble moving. Yeah.
First of all we're going to see the prep work
of three equally popular cast members.
It's Daisy, Richard and Johnny.
Where can I set up my... my marble run?
LAUGHTER
It's all the stuff Mother never allowed me to play with!
It rolls off there onto there...
PANTING
This looks good, this looks good!
RICHARD: Where's the end of the tape gone?
Oh, come on.
That might be it!
THUD
Right, that's not going to work.
I once hired a plumber who worked like this.
LAUGHTER
Yes! Come on! This is getting good!
One minute. One minute...
Right.
Yes!
Yes...
I think we're ready to rock'n'roll.
WHISTLE BLOWS No more building, please, Richard.
QUIET SMOOCH
GREG: Johnny's the only competitor in Taskmaster history
who looks like he NEEDS things to go well.
LAUGHTER
I tell you the thing that interested me
is it's such a needy profession, this, isn't it?
You know, sometimes I'll come off set
and I'll say to Alex, "Was I nasty enough?
"Did I victimise anyone enough?"
You know, we all need it, but...
..Daisy doesn't, because Daisy's her own cheerleader.
Just constantly saying, "This is brilliant! I'm so great!"
LAUGHTER
Do you want to start with Daisy? Oh, yeah, do I!
Cos it's got to be good! She told me it is.
LAUGHTER
OK, let's see how Daisy's went.
SHE KISSES THE MARBLE
OK, are we ready?
Godspeed.
Yes! Oh, yes!
Keep going, keep going.
Oh...
Yes!
Well done, me.
LAUGHTER And you a little bit.
Thank you, Daisy.
Very good. Very good.
Well done, you.
What was the whole licking-the-marble thing about?
I thought that's what she wanted me to do.
No... She didn't ask you do.
I thought people tended to lick marbles before releasing them. Yeah.
Didn't like it. How did Daisy do?
Pretty good. It went duk duk duk duk duk...
And it carried on rolling for 11 seconds and 21 frames.
Who's next?
Johnny. Oh...
Who needs wind when you've got a Vegas marble run?
Here we go.
Ready?
Three,
two,
one...
Quick! Quick, quick, Alex!
LAUGHTER
LEAF BLOWER WHIRS
Go on, boy, go on!
Is that it?
Stop the clock.
JOHNNY SIGHS
OK. Well, thanks, Johnny.
HE LAUGHS I'll take it apart now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very good! You are right, though,
I looked far too emotionally invested in that, didn't I?
In all of them, yeah. LAUGHTER
It was pretty good,
and also provided us with the most tragic final tableau of any task
across ten series.
LAUGHTER
I mean, you weren't actually allowed to affect the ball
after you let go, so luckily it didn't have any effect at all.
Oh, ooh... OK.
So you got away with that.
It was only eight seconds and six frames,
but it did exactly what you wanted it to do.
Well, lastly but not leastly,
at leastly not yetly, it's Richard Keith Harris Herring.
Go on! Ohh...
Oh, I knew it would stop on that!
It was great up to there.
If I'd just let it go down the slope without any of this stuff
it would have gone much further. Ah, well. Thank you, Richard.
Thank you. No, I'm happy, I'm happy. All right, goodbye.
APPLAUSE
Well, Richard summed it up there, really.
His progress was hampered by all of the work he did.
LAUGHTER
But he's happy, he's happy.
And he ended up with almost exactly the same time as Johnny.
Slightly longer, though - 8 seconds and 23 frames.
Ohh... So he's in both second and second last.
Time to pause for the last adverts of the show.
When we come back, someone will win
Johnny Vegas's precious porcelain throne,
and a Cornetto.
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Here we are, then, safely lodged in the last part of the show.
Before the break, the rivals were trying to make a marble roll
for the longest amount of time.
So far we've seen Johnny, Richard and Daisy's attempt so far,
and, so far, Daisy's in the lead with a time of ten seconds so far.
Now his head is the closest in size to the marble -
it's Mawaan. LAUGHTER
What does this, Alex?
Come on, two brains.
I'm going to take this with me, is that all right?
Be very careful with it. I will be really careful.
It's, like, legit glass, innit?
Yeah, shit, OK.
The washing machine.
Is the marble dirty?
No, but the washing machine rolls.
You want to put the marble in the washing machine? Yeah.
That's in, is it? Yep.
Slow spin, delicates...
Delicates? Yeah.
30 degrees. Why?
Just cos it's glass, innit?
LAUGHTER
OK, I'm going to turn it on. Good luck.
Oh... It hasn't started rolling yet,
I'll start the clock when it starts rolling. OK.
Oh! It's rolling. It's doing it.
60 minutes.
OK. Well, I guess I'll stay and watch.
THUNKING
Oh! Ooh... Ooh. That didn't sound great.
And I'll let you know what time you get.
Thank you, Mawaan. Great. OK. Pleasure, man.
Let me know when you need me to break another household appliance.
All right. Thank you, Mawaan.
APPLAUSE
Clever...in principle.
Go on. Read the task out to me again, please.
"Make the best marble run.
"The marble that rolls for the longest time wins."
Right. I don't know whether anyone wants to debate with me
but I feel it was rolling.
But you did point out that once my marble had stopped,
if I'd have moved it with the leaf blower, it wouldn't have counted.
It does say, "After releasing your marble,
"you may not touch your marble nor do anything to affect its movement."
RICHARD: What you said at the end. I didn't do anything.
He released the marble then put the machine on,
so he did something in order to... Ooh. DAISY: Yes.
I hadn't even thought of that. It is true.
APPLAUSE
You lot are turning against me!
JOHNNY: I'm just glad he said it. After all I've done for you!
And when it comes to sticking to the rules,
I've been a real arsehole this series.
LAUGHTER
And if I wasn't an arsehole to you,
it would look like I favoured you because you're young
and you've got so much in front of you, so much hope.
But don't kill that hope.
I'm not going to kill the hope,
I'm just going to make the hope realistic about expectations.
LAUGHTER
I'm tempted to give him one of my rarely-handed-out bonus points.
Well, you could think about it a bit more. Yeah...
We've got one more person to see.
Katherine Parkinson's attempt. Yes, please. Here it is.
We are cooking with gas...
No, we're not, that's not going to work at all.
That's quite pleasing. I mean, that's a marble run.
SHE GASPS
This is great.
Well...
So we'll just try and raise it gently.
SHE GIGGLES
I'm nervous that my official go will go wrong,
so I'd like to get it done.
OK, I'm going to start the timer when you've released the marble.
Good luck. Thanks.
I've stopped the timer. Thank you. That was fun.
Thank you for your marble run, Katherine. Goodbye. Bye!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Well, well...
That was brilliant.
Wow. That is your finest work...
LAUGHTER
..this series.
The only one.
I genuinely thought that reaction
is what I'd get for the washing machine.
I imagined everyone just would stand up and applaud.
You sort of did get that, but then Katherine so overshadowed it
I now think the washing machine thing's shit!
LAUGHTER
I did... It's awful, it's so fickle, isn't it?
It took the same length of time it takes me
to do my laces, my buttons and my hair. 32.4 seconds.
Oh, wow. It's a long time. Wow.
APPLAUSE
RICHARD: She'd never even heard of a marble run,
and she created the greatest...
Sometimes you need someone just to come in from the outside. Fresh.
Yeah. OK, well, Katherine gets the five points.
Daisy second with four points.
Richard, three, Johnny, two.
But what are we going to do with Mawaan?
Give him nothing. Not even one?
Lazy. You said bonus point!
Yeah, I know, but I've seen that, now.
Does he not even get one for coming last?
I've got the rest of my life ahead of me!
If you keep talking like that, I'm going to give him a minus point.
So he's disqualified, in the end.
Yeah! From the whole show!
LAUGHTER
Quick look at the scores before the final task?
Yeah, well...Mawaan is in the lead, with 13 points.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Next generation, baby!
OK, please stand up and get ready for the final task of the show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi, baby. Hi, baby.
Who is going to read the task for us?
Daisy May Cooper. Please.
"Communicate to the taskmaster the item on your card.
"You may only make noises.
"You may not use any actions, or anything that sounds like a word.
"Slowest communicator each round is eliminated.
"Last communicator standing wins."
They've just got to use noises,
so they're going to be holding their umbrellas in front of them
to stop them gesturing.
First round, animals. Lovely.
It's down to you to guess them.
So if you want to look, Daisy, at your card number one.
Good luck. Your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS
RISING, SQUEAKY SQUAWK
Oh, God!
SQUEAKING HONK
A seal?
Oooooooh!
A wolf?
SQUEALS: Wooooh!
Woooooh! Wooooh!
I think she's giving birth.
Ooooooh. Elephant?
Correct! WHISTLE BLOWS
Jesus, that is the worst elephant of all time.
What noise would you have made?
I'd go... TRUMPETING NEIGH
Exactly what I did, then.
Basically.
OK, so Johnny, you're up next.
OK, here we go. WHISTLE BLOWS
THIN SQUAWK: Aah, aah, rruhh, rrruh...
GURGLING: Yeeeurgh.
A tiger.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. A donkey?
Ah, unh, unh, unh, unh.
A mule?
HE SQUAWKS I haven't got a fucking clue.
LIGHT, GUTTURAL WOBBLING
A hen?
A fox?
WHISTLE BLOWS
58 seconds.
Daisy is now through to round two.
OK, here comes Katherine.
Good luck. WHISTLE BLOWS
SQUEAKILY: Ehh!
Oww!
Eh!
LAUGHTER
A chick, a baby chick.
Eh-eh, ehw!
A mouse?
Ouw, euw, euw!
A puppy.
SHRILL: Ow. Ow.
Yes, stick with the same strategy, yeah.
THIN SQUAWKS
A crow?
It's not coming out as I want it to come out!
A calf?
Aouw. Eouw? It's not a land animal.
It's a sea animal?
Ouw!
LAUGHTER
A seagull? Auw, auw, auew!
No, it's in the water.
How am I supposed to know what an underwater animal sounds like?
Well, it's one that's got quite a distinctive noise,
but it's not this. LAUGHTER
A lobster. No.
LAUGHTER
Auw.
Dolphin? It's a dolphin, obviously.
Yes!
Now who can't do a dolphin impression?
Katherine Parkinson. Right. LAUGHTER
OK, so Mawaan, if you can do this in under two minutes five seconds,
you make it through. LAUGHTER
HE SIGHS I mean, good luck.
Why don't I just start listing animals? You'll still win.
Here we go. Good luck, it's not easy.
WHISTLE BLOWS
QUIET, RAPID CHIRRUPING: Tika-tika-tuk, tika-tika-tika-tuk,
took-took-took... A kookaburra.
THIN GUTTURAL RASPS
A piglet?
CHOKING
A pig.
HE SIGHS EMITS BURSTS OF STATIC
A hedgehog. Kih-kih, kih-kih, kih-kih...
Cricket.
WHISTLE BLOWS It is a cricket!
He was virtually saying cricket.
I was not! Also, a lot of animals are named onomatopoeically,
so I can't help it.
Right. It's true, they are. LAUGHTER
Under two minutes and five seconds will see you through
to the next round, Richard, your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS INSISTENT CLUCKING
A chicken. WHISTLE BLOWS
Good, you've made it. DAISY: Fucking hell. That was easy!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You're through to round two. We've lost Katherine Parkinson.
Round two, you'll be pleased to hear, is machines.
Oh, great.
Richard to go first. WHISTLE BLOWS
RASPING POP
Gears. A gearbox.
Ffft-ffft-ffft... Ffff.
The Camelot machine that announces the lottery.
LAUGHTER
Khh-khh. A stapler.
WHISTLE BLOWS HE SIGHS
One minute five for a stapler. Please rotate.
That was hard. Chicken was easy, I'll give you that.
OK, you ready for this one, Daisy?
Good luck, Taskmaster. WHISTLE BLOWS
SQUEAKILY: Oo-oo oo-oo, oo-oo-oo.
CRAZED WOBBLING
Oh, no, a fax machine!
WHISTLE BLOWS Well done.
That was very good. Wow.
That was class.
Very good. Good luck, Johnny.
Your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHUGGING
Train.
A sewing machine.
Awop-wop-wop-wop-wop...
Oh.
Ah tugi-tugi-tugi-tugi...
It's a boat.
LOW SCREECH An aeroplane.
It's not an aeroplane. A helicopter?
WHISTLE BLOWS Really?!
Yeah! Did you get it?
Yeah, ages ago.
Bullshit. LAUGHTER
So the last machine, it's Mawaan.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Bip. Bip bip. Bip. Bip.
Nnnnnnnn...
Ting!
Microwave. WHISTLE BLOWS
33 seconds, he's through, and we've lost Richard Herring.
APPLAUSE
So it's round three, and we're moving on
to food types.
Right, good luck, Mawaan, your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS
FUNKY HALF-SCAT POPPING
WHISPERS: Splassh...
That is a funky fruit.
Mm! Hom, hom, hom...
An apple?
Psss...
kehh.
Prrrr.
Pschuuh.
Haumph, haumph, haumph, haumph.
It's not a banana? No, it's a breakfast item, I'll give you that.
Oh...
Crunching..
Cornflakes. Yeah! WHISTLE BLOWS
It was so obvious it was cornflakes. LAUGHTER
OK, 1 minute 38 to beat. Off we go.
WHISTLE BLOWS
THIN, INCONSISTENT HISSING
Stpou! Ptrmp, ptrmp, pop.
Oh, a lovely sausage.
WHISTLE BLOWS It is a lovely sausage.
What?! Very good, very good, Daisy. Very good. Very nice.
Will Johnny join Daisy in the final? Your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS
THIN SLURP
Oh, spaghetti. WHISTLE BLOWS
Johnny's through to the final!
APPLAUSE
You've reached the final,
and it's musical instruments this time.
Oh, easy. Good luck, Johnny.
Your time starts... WHISTLE BLOWS
Tt-tiss, tt-tiss, tt-tiss.
Hi-hat.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
A one-man band.
Tish, tish, tish, tish.
Drum kit.
Boom, boom, boom, boom. LAUGHTER
Erm... Tambourine.
WHISTLE BLOWS It is a tambourine.
23 seconds. Wow, very good.
It's good, but it's get-able.
It's definitely get-able, and I'm up against the best.
23 seconds to win the task.
Good luck, Daisy. WHISTLE BLOWS
VOCALISED, MELODIC ARPEGGIOS
Piano.
DESCENDING: Ooh ooh ooh ooh!
RISING: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...
A harp.
WHISTLE BLOWS It is a harp!
With 17 seconds, Daisy is the winner! Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was good!
Come back down, we'll add it to the final scores.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Greg.
Very good. That must have shaken things up.
It has shaken things up.
I must say that my baby was going absolutely mental inside my stomach.
LAUGHTER
I can tell you some numbers now, if you want. Please.
Well, series-wise, it's as close as it's ever been.
We've got Katherine on 90 points.
There is a slight gap, now, sorry, Katherine,
to Richard and Mawaan, on 106.
Johnny now in second place on 109,
Daisy on 116.
So just ten separating four people.
But this week's episode is not won by anyone yet.
It's a tie-break between Mawaan and Johnny, who both got 16 points!
Ooh! Ooh! APPLAUSE
Tie-break... How are we going to decide, Alex?
With a tie-break that will answer the age-old question, Greg,
because they had to work out
how many sheets there are on a loo roll in 30 seconds.
Closest wins.
So here's how they got on.
Um...
I think 300 something.
Come on...
16 seconds left.
Two...four, six, eight...
360...
One, two, three, four...
Ahh...
LAUGHTER
WHISTLE BLOWS
403. WHISTLE BLOWS
Er, 280. OK.
Two eight zero. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Very different techniques. Wow...
I was not expecting 280 as a guess.
It's so specific, compared to the madness of his process.
LAUGHTER
Johnny guessed 280 sheets, Mawaan guessed 403 sheets.
The correct answer is...
220 sheets!
Johnny wins!
Oh, man!
APPLAUSE
It was a reliable technique after all! Incredible.
Johnny wins.
Please go and rejoice with your top-heavy things!
CHEERING
Enjoy that toilet!
First-time winner!
APPLAUSE
So what have we learned today?
If you're compiling your all-time bucket list,
please don't forget to complete the magical swimming with dolphins.
Mew, mew, mew... LAUGHTER
Bye for now, everyone, but hello for now, once again,
to today's winner. It's Johnny Vegas!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media