Brace, brace!
I'm bracing! CLATTERING
Hmm!
This program me contains strong language and adult humour
No, no, no, no!
TRUMPET-LIKE HONKING
No!
Ahh!
What?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Yes!
Yes, it is!
It's the Taskmaster grand final!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome to you all.
I'm Greg Davies,
and I'm here to lead you through this magnificent final hour.
What does it take to become a champion?
Well, if you want the most prized trophy in television,
you need to tap into your own soul,
you need an energy source that hitherto
you may only have been vaguely aware of.
Each of these people, if they really want it,
will have to meet whatever their own version of God might be.
Or - and I mean this -
I'll fix it for 15 grand.
Anyone who pays 15 grand into my account can win it.
I don't care. Why would I care? LAUGHTER
So, here they are.
For the last time, please welcome
your five fearless fighters, Frankie Boyle...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Ivo Graham... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Jenny Eclair... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Kiell Smith-Bynoe... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...and Mae Martin. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me,
a man who told me that as a young person
he used to practise kissing
on his grandfather's pet carp Mr Suckles.
LAUGHTER
It's Little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everyone. It's the final, Greg.
It's the final. It's the final. I'm going to miss you, Greg.
Are you? Yes, I like sitting next to you.
LAUGHTER
What's this then?
Well, I was wondering if you wanted to come to my birthday party.
You're going to be the first person I invited.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
That is a lovely way to start the grand final.
Great.
"Alex is turning 50." It's in six years.
LAUGHTER
"Alex would like the pleasure of Greg's company at my 50th birthday.
"Dress code, naughty but nice.
"Arrival, 3.30pm.
"Carriages, 4.30am." It's just you and me. Um...
LAUGHTER
"Venue TBC." Probably a farm.
And then you just tear off that bit and return it if you're coming.
It's an RSVP slip on the bottom.
Right, let's get on with the show, shall we? OK. LAUGHTER
What have we got for the final prize task of the show, Alex?
It's a real money-spinner, Greg,
because you've asked them to bring in
the best Greg Davies merchandise
that isn't on the market but should be on the market.
LAUGHTER
Of course, there's already a lot of great stuff out there -
enough to make quite an alarming shrine, let me tell you.
But Greg's going to judge his favourite one,
and then the lucky episode winner will win a lot
of Greg Davies merchandise,
which I can drop round to them at a later date.
Well, Mae Martin. Hi.
Have you got some good me merchandise?
Yeah. Um, my...my dad was involved.
How was your dad involved?
Basically, in lockdown, he kind of became like Geppetto,
so he and I together designed a Greg Davies puppet.
Yeah, this is what Mr Martin made.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I really want to show you. Should be on the market, Greg.
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, the mouth opens,
and also it says one of your famous catchphrases,
if you press a button. OK.
RECORDING OF GREG'S VOICE: I'm so full of hate!
LAUGHTER
Oh, thank you, Mae.
Oh, God.
It looks like Lord Sugar.
What, the 75-year-old tycoon? LAUGHTER
Yes. It does.
It's absolutely incredible. Is your dad a carpenter?
No. Well, how has he made you?
Huh?! I don't think he likes me.
He doesn't like you. Ah!
And there's two of us now!
LAUGHTER
IN SQUEAKY VOICE: I'm coming to your shit party in six years!
I'm going to do a poo on the carpet.
LAUGHTER
He's a monster.
He's horrible.
Yeah. He is horrible!
Well, this is going to take some beating.
Thank you, Mae. He's absolutely amazing.
RECORDING OF GREG'S VOICE: I'm so full of hate! LAUGHTER
That is a strong start.
That's a high bar, isn't it? That's really annoying, actually.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
Very good. Ivo.
Um, Greg, I've actually been a fan of your work
since before this show even came into existence.
In 2010 at the Edinburgh Fringe, I watched your debut show.
What was that show called, Greg?
It was called Firing Cheeseballs At A Dog, Ivo.
Let's look at what the prize is.
It's this.
It's your very own Greg Davies cheese ball catapult.
LAUGHTER
Take that, damn pooch!
LAUGHTER
That's lovely.
And even though it's less and less acceptable
to fire snacks into the faces of dogs...
I hate this woke shit.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
I mean, one of a dog's jobs is to catch snacks, surely?
Why can't they catch them at velocity?
LAUGHTER
I think it's delightful.
OK. Jenny.
OK, Greg,
for you, I had commissioned a coffee stencil, and I thought,
oh, just buying a coffee with your face on it...
And maybe if you got together with that cafe place
that has the same name as you,
and then you could have a Gregg's Greg coffee...
Yeah, I mean...
...and then you could give some of the money to charity.
Yeah, yeah. LAUGHTER
There's a lot relying on this picture, I feel.
Yeah, yeah. This is what... Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER
But wait for the magic.
That's the before, and this is the coffee.
LAUGHTER
Why do I suddenly feel like chicken?
LAUGHTER
It's not bad at all, Jenny.
Kiell, you all right?
Well, I think as much as people would like
to have, like, bits and pieces to play with,
I think it's much more fun to be you.
Oh, it is not.
LAUGHTER
But keep talking.
Well, when you last felt like that,
you might've wanted something like this.
Have a look.
LAUGHTER
It's a Greg Davies morph suit.
LAUGHTER
It's so awful.
I think if this goes on sale,
I'm going to be arrested for multiple attacks on people.
LAUGHTER
Wow. Thanks, Kiell.
That's all right. Hi, Frankie.
Do you know how we're both
essentially trembling on the brink of death?
LAUGHTER
With every morning,
I cannot believe I see the sun again.
And the real...
The real test of the ageing process is the beanbag.
Once you have to commando roll out of a beanbag...
Yeah. ..that's a sign it's pretty much game over.
So, what I've developed is
a euthaniser beanbag... LAUGHTER
...that if you sit in it for more than an hour,
it folds itself round you and euthanises you...
LAUGHTER
...and then zips itself up like a body bag.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, so, this is Frankie's Greg Davies merch.
So, it's just got Greg Davies written...?
LAUGHTER Yes.
After a while, this would happen.
LAUGHTER
You would start to be subsumed by the beanbag.
And then... And then...
LAUGHTER
...he's gone.
...mercy is delivered.
LAUGHTER
So, it's a beanbag that determines...
Whether you live or die. LAUGHTER
OK.
We've been on a journey. Who has won the journey?
Well... Hmm. ..and this is going to surprise you -
not Frankie.
LAUGHTER
I don't want the Greg Davies death beanbag to be on the market.
So, is it one point to Frankie?
One point. Yes.
Kiel, two points.
You're joking. Yeah.
Oh, it's better than yours.
Mine was better than yours, simple as that.
OK, two points to Kiell.
Jenny gets three points.
I sort of don't want to give...
LAUGHTER ..that horrible thing five points,
but I have to acknowledge the amount of work
that's gone into it.
And you are talking about the puppet, not Mae.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
So, I'm going to give Ivo four points.
You stuck a sticker of Greg's face on a catapult...
...and that's better than my high-concept death bag?
Ivo's admittedly cheap
but well-researched catapult gets four.
OK. And my animated corpse gets five.
Well done, Mae Martin. Five points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, let's have the first proper task of the final.
Gotcha, and I hope you find this one deeply fulfilling.
Hello, Alex.
Mae.
Alex.
Remember me?
How could I forget?
Everything all right with you?
Yeah, pretty good. Can't complain.
No. But I do.
"Fill the glass up to the line from the furthest distance."”
“If you use a hose and someone else uses a hose,
"both hose users are disqualified."
Will somebody have used the hose?
Because there's the danger of being disqualified.
"Furthest distance between contestant and pint glass
"while filling wins."
"You have a maximum of 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
Surely, why doesn't it just say,
“If you use the hose, you'll be disqualified,
or, "You must not use the hose"?
Who else is going to use the hose with me?
So, in Taskmaster, it's you against four other people.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
And if one of them also uses a hose...
Yeah. ..then you'll both be disqualified.
Ahh! LAUGHTER
Now you've suggested it,
we're all locked in a complex game of quadruple bluff.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, we're not going to get a better intro
to this whole task than the quote,
"Now the hose has been mentioned,
"we're all locked in a game of quadruple bluff."
It's a sort of classic Taskmaster task.
First up, Ivo, Jenny, Frankie, and Mae.
I think Kiell's going to use the hose.
I'm convinced he's going to go, "Nah."
That's my impersonation of him - "Nah, I'm using the hose."
I think I can win this task hose-free.
I think it might be down to pipes.
Where's the glass?
Glass is in the bath.
Ah.
LAUGHTER
It's not full.
Nah. Nah, nah, nah.
You've got five minutes, Ivo.
Not even on the string yet.
FRANKIE GRUNTS
Right, so that's just going to fill that glass, is it? Yeah.
I'm pretty confident,
but I'm just going to get out of the way of it slightly.
Yeah. I'd...I'd like to do that.
LAUGHTER
That's what I need to do.
I need, um, tubes, cos that's not working.
I've never tied a glass to a piece of string before.
You haven't got that long, Ivo.
How confident are you in your system?
I think it's very flawed. OK.
LAUGHTER
I bet no other bastard used that hose.
OK, now I'm going to get a big jug of water...
Yeah.
...and it's going to flow.
Can't see what's going to go wrong.
There was sarcasm.
Yeah. Yeah. A lot. LAUGHTER
FRANKIE LAUGHS
I have another idea.
Oh, good. LAUGHTER
Has it come out the other end, Alex?
No.
I have a theory. Ah.
Perhaps some bubbles will deaden the fall.
LAUGHTER Right. You've got three minutes.
Someone's going to use the hose, and the hose is long.
Oh, the hose is long, yeah.
OK, we'll start that again there.
It's filling.
Jenny, I've logged that distance.
You still have five minutes if you wanted to have a second attempt.
OK. I'd like a balloon of water and a dart.
What have I got, a couple of minutes?
Yeah. You've got one minute and a half, Frankie.
I'm going to lob the glass.
It'll be cushioned by the bubbles.
It will fill up with water... HE LAUGHS
...and, uh, I'll have completed the task.
Thank you for being my assistant, Alex.
All or nothing.
GLASS SHATTERS
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
That wasn't an encouraging noise.
No, it didn't sound great, but...
Could've been some bubbles bursting.
LAUGHTER
You've got four seconds.
Three, two, one.
WHISTLE BLOWS
We lost a bit. We lost a bit on entry.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Watch your eyes.
SHE LAUGHS
It's not to the line and you've got one more balloon.
OK.
AUDIENCE LAUGH AND EXCLAIM
Oh!
Did it say over the line?
As long as it's to the line.
It's to the line. You done? WHISTLE BLOWS
Thanks, Mae. AUDIENCE APPLAUD
Now, Jenny, you've got one minute. OK.
So close.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
It's over the line.
OK. Thank you, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was great, Jenny.
It was probably the best thing
you've done on the whole series, I feel.
Honestly, it was possibly one of the coolest things
I've ever done in my life.
It was so cool, and you filled it twice, so...
Yeah, doubler. Doubler. It was a doubler, yeah.
Write that down. Oh, I have written it down. Doubler.
Do you want me to write it down again? Doubler! I'll double it.
LAUGHTER 3.8 metres - half a London bus.
OK. Well done. Thank you.
Mae, was it genuinely your intention
to just throw a pint of water in the air...
LAUGHTER
...and hope that it all landed in a glass?
Yeah.
I think in my head I was a cartoon,
and it would be like... Blahhh! Yeah. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
You did manage to get 8.10 metres - the same as a London bus.
Well done, Mae. Exactly? Well done.
Exactly. Exactly. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Frankie, I thought the initial thing, you put some thought into...
Yeah.
...but when I saw you just tossing Fairy Liquid
into a bath... LAUGHTER
You thought, "I'm going to burn this whole task to the ground.”
I thought it might work.
Uh, I still think it might have worked,
because all the glass was submerged.
It was broken but it was submerged,
so, in a way, the water was over the line.
Doesn't... Doesn't say that you don't have to break the glass.
I mean, it wasn't full, but it was covered in water.
It was fuller,
because it was covered in water on both sides.
LAUGHTER
Onto Ivo's cascading roller-coaster.
Hmm. From the very beginning,
it looked like a sure-fire edition to your list of failures, I thought,
but, in fact, a partial success.
Yeah, the system worked,
but he was let down cos he didn't put enough water in the glass.
And was he a good distance from there? He was.
He was about two and a bit London buses, 18.30 metres.
Ooh, that's good. Yeah.
Frankie was two thirds of a London bus, 5.40 metres.
But the outside of your glass, dry as a bone.
LAUGHTER
Break time now, and as an inspiration for our competitors,
I've been training Alex to fart Land Of Hope And Glory.
So, please, Alex, take it away.
ALEX GRUNTS
Ahh, no, Daddy! It's whoops!
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back.
It's great to have you here for this almighty final.
And it's time to see whether Kiell did opt for the hose option
in the glass-filling task.
I feel like no-one else is going to use the hose.
Even though you might get disqualified
if someone else uses the hose?
No risk, no reward.
Is that true?
I don't know. LAUGHTER
Right, if I'm someone else and I've read that...
Who are you pretending to be?
Mae.
LAUGHTER And what are they doing?
IMITATES MAE: I'm not going to use the hose. It's too scary.
So, I'd quite like you to be Frankie now.
IMITATES FRANKIE: I think that the hose should be left alone.
LAUGHTER
Uh, I'll do the rest just cause I'm here. Yeah, lvo.
IMITATES 1VO: Hose? Uh... Uh, no. I don't think so. Uh...
Well, maybe... Uh, no. I'm not going to use the hose.
LAUGHTER Mm-hm. And then Jenny.
Uh, Jenny. HE CHUCKLES
IMITATES JENNY: Where is the hose? Where is it?
I can't be bothered with it. I've changed my mind.
LAUGHTER
Right, are you going to use the hose then? Yes.
Nobody else is going to do this.
No way, hose-y.
Oh, shit! LAUGHTER
Oh, my God.
Ahh! Make it stop! The children! LAUGHTER
On, please.
Hose on!
Come on. Yeah.
Is it doing it?
Doesn't look like it is.
Is there anything in that cup?
You've got to be kidding me. LAUGHTER
I might need to get closer.
I will move the measuring gnome.
I thought this was going to be really easy.
Come on.
That's nowhere near it.
45 seconds left.
Shit! LAUGHTER
Ahh!
Oh, boy.
WHISTLE BLOWS Please turn the hose off.
AUDIENCE LAUGH AND EXCLAIM
JENNY LAUGHS EXCITEDLY
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What a drama.
Oh... Yeah.
We certainly couldn't have predicted a grown man shouting at water,
"Go in the glass, bruv."
LAUGHTER
I thought it was going to be so easy.
You made the hose sound like it was, like, the dream.
That's what he does - he lures people in.
No, it is...it is the dream. Did you just watch that?
I think I'm not the only one here thinking,
"Put the end of the hose in the glass,
"make it as long as possible,
"go to the tap..."
LAUGHTER
"..turn the tap on.”
APPLAUSE
Oh, dear.
You were 8.5 metres away.
I mean, bear in mind, Ivo was 18 metres away.
Please stop using me as a yardstick for failure.
LAUGHTER
That could be your merchandise.
LAUGHTER A yardstick for failure?
Oh, dear, dear.
No points to Kiell, amazingly. No points to Ivo.
No points, probably, to Frankie - that's up to you.
Come on.
I'm not giving Frankie a point
for having water outside the broken glass.
That's very creative, but come on.
No to Frankie,
which means it's four to Jenny with the darts
and solid tube technique, and five to Mae Martin.
Ah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very good.
Can we see what's happening on the scoreboard, please?
Yes.
We have Frankie on one point, and at the other end of the table,
Mae Martin has a full ten points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, what's next?
Ooh. Thank goodness.
It's chess o'clock.
Oh, dear. Mm. I know.
I see.
IVO LAUGHS
What's so funny?
Uh, most of the things, but I'll start with the Vaseline.
This...
...sinister implications.
Ooh.
"Do what Alex does immediately after Alex does it
"in exactly the same time as Alex does it."
"You must press your button when you're satisfied
"you have done what Alex has done."
"If you do not complete an activity,
"ten seconds will be added to your time."
"Closest to the same total time wins."
"The time starts when Alex presses his button.”
We haven't started yet. Yep. LAUGHTER
So, we take turns, yes?
We're playing chess. Oh.
This clock... Yeah. ..will tell you what time...
Is there any point me looking at that? No. No.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, so, it's a sort of copycat chess.
Exactly that.
I just want to point out that Jenny's version of "hello"
has morphed across this series
to be almost always something along the lines of, "Oh, no."
LAUGHTER "Oh, dear."
I think something horrible happens.
Yes, it does.
LAUGHTER
All right, then. It's intense.
Forget Kasparov versus Deep Blue.
This is Kiell and Mae versus Deep Horne.
Argh.
LAUGHTER
Good luck, Mae. Thank you.
Good luck, Kiell.
Good luck, Alex.
TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to eat a banana.
TIMER BEEPS
LAUGHTER
Quite slow.
I'm now going to sharpen a pencil.
TIMER BEEPS I'm going to sharpen a pencil.
TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to have 40 winks.
LAUGHTER
TIMER BEEPS
I'm now going to do some maths.
Oh, Christ.
I'm going to do some maths.
MAE WHIMPERS
Should've sharpened this pencil properly.
Uh, pfft!
I don't remember how to do this.
TIMER BEEPS I did some.
I'm now going to put five rubber bands on my face.
HE CHUCKLES
LAUGHTER
TIMER BEEPS
You avoided your eyes.
Yeah.
Yeah, smart.
TIMER BEEPS I'm going to open the box.
LAUGHTER
TIMER BEEPS
How can I open the box?
Well, you need the code.
Where's the code?
I don't know the code.
You should have a four-digit number, Mae.
Should 17
Could you just hold this for a sec?
LAUGHTER
TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to inflate an entire balloon.
TIMER BEEPS
I'm now going to put my banana skin in the Vaseline pot.
OK. AUDIENCE GROANS
TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to make a dog.
LAUGHTER Oh, my God.
TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to use this to tie that.
There. It lives.
LAUGHTER
TIMER BEEPS
It's got short back legs. LAUGHTER
TIMER BEEPS I'm going to pop my dog.
Yeah.
TIMER BEEPS We're finished.
Thank you, Alex. Good game.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Kiell, why did you take so long with that banana?
LAUGHTER
I like to enjoy my meals.
Interesting. And sinister for some reason.
LAUGHTER
Well, they both did pretty well.
Kiell was three minutes five seconds slower than me.
Mae, who has been very good at Taskmaster throughout Taskmaster,
two minutes and eight seconds slower than me,
which is pretty impressive.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next, here's a very Jenny attempt by Jenny.
Oh, God.
Yes, are you ready, Jenny? Yeah, I'm ready, Alex.
Here we go. TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to eat a banana.
TIMER BEEPS I'm going to eat a banana.
LAUGHTER
This is my fifth banana today.
LAUGHTER
OK. All right. I've finished that banana.
TIMER BEEPS I'm going to sharpen my pencil. Mm.
Shall I do your face as well?
LAUGHTER Is that what I did? Yeah.
Oh.
I'm going to do some maths.
Eight eights are 56.
Carry five.
It takes...
I know an easier way.
LAUGHTER
Instantly face-lifted. LAUGHTER
Maybe I should've done it like that. SHE LAUGHS
TIMER BEEPS I'm going to open the box.
Well, I'm going to open the box. OK.
I've done the fucking sum wrong. LAUGHTER
I've done the fucking sum wrong, haven't I?
OK, give me a minute. OK.
469... Eight sixes...
Yeah.
TIMER BEEPS
LAUGHTER
It's like the worst birthday party ever!
LAUGHTER
TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to put my banana skin in my Vaseline pot.
You fucking weird freak. LAUGHTER
Oh, Alex, it's really good. There he is.
BALLOON POPS, SHE LAUGHS
It's curled up in its basket. LAUGHTER
Yeah. I'm going to pop my dog.
BALLOON POPS, SHE SHOUTS
TIMER BEEPS
Why did you do that?
I'm going to pop my dog. BALLOON POPS
Ahh!
TIMER BEEPS And we're done.
I'm going to go and take some paracetamol for my face.
OK. Thank you. Goodbye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I only understood the chess thing
cos I'd seen that rather good drama with... What's that girl called?
HE LAUGHS
LAUGHTER
Queen's... The Queen's Gambit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I've never seen anything that's further removed
from The Queen's Gambit. LAUGHTER
Your balloon dog looked like intestines.
I was amazed that you hadn't shat yourself
because you'd had so many bananas.
It was just very stressful to watch, to be honest.
LAUGHTER
Good. We're halfway through the final.
Before long, one person will take home
some Greg Davies merchandise,
and one person will take home this Greg Davies trophy,
but who will take home Greg Davies?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Welcome back to the penultimate part of this Taskmaster final.
Alex, please sit on the edge of your chair,
recap the current task like it's a half-time pep talk
for a sports team.
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS Ten little tasks,
four minutes on the clock.
Closest to those four minutes wins.
Ivo, Frankie, you're going to smash it!
OK, ready? Let's go.
LAUGHTER
OK, I'm just going to mirror you in every way.
In every way? Every way.
Good luck.
Here we go.
TIMER BEEPS I'm going to eat a banana.
Think I've got plenty of time.
You seem to be quite a slow eater.
It's like you were trying to establish an alibi.
LAUGHTER
TIMERS BEEP
I'm going to sharpen my pencil.
You did that quickly and with some bitterness behind it.
TIMER BEEPS I'm going to have 40 winks.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to do some maths now.
Ah.
You can always take the hit and press the button.
TIMER BEEPS
OK, I'm going to put five rubber bands on my face.
Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.
FRANKIE LAUGHS
LAUGHTER
what?
Oh. TIMER BEEPS
LAUGHTER
Oh.
Opened.
TIMER BEEPS All right.
TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to put the banana skin in the tub.
HE SCOFFS
I'm going to put the banana skin in the tub.
All the way in, please.
AUDIENCE GROAN AND LAUGH
LAUGHTER
TIMER BEEPS, BUZZER
I feel this is the same dog after it got run over.
'I stick it down with the Vaseline. There we are.
TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to pop the dog.
TIMER BEEPS
We're finished.
Ivo, do you think there was something you did that might've
sabotaged your attempt a little? Narrow it down.
It was the moment where you blinded yourself with the elastic bands.
When I was on the, uh, train about five hours after this task,
someone on the train asked if I'd been in an accident.
LAUGHTER
It sort of looked like an Ann Summers party
that'd gone wrong.
You know, the balloons and the Vaseline and all that.
Yeah, or gone right. Or very... LAUGHTER
...very right.
Were you surprised when
Frankie stamped all over the little box?
I wasn't surprised at all. LAUGHTER
I'm not great when I'm under pressure.
Or when I'm not. LAUGHTER
But you were great at this kind of thing.
You got there one minute 32 after me.
Ivo?
Ivo had two ten-second penalties cos he didn't open the box,
so he didn't get the gloves, and that was funny.
And he also didn't make a dog because of his moist, moist hands.
So, Frankie, 1.32. Ivo, 1.3... Is that...? ..5.
AUDIENCE: Aw! I'm sorry. But pretty good.
Which means that Jenny... HE CHUCKLES
...one point for your eight minutes 50,
LAUGHTER Kiel, two points.
Mae, three points.
Ivo, four points.
But Frankie Boyle gets five points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Can I have another one, please?
You may, but it's the last one.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
I know. And then, bedtime.
Hello, Frankie. Hello.
Hello, Ivo. Hello, Alex.
Ahh!
I thought I stole this pen. LAUGHTER
The outside of the task says,
"Write the name of a profession in this hole,
“then open the task."
Hmm. Plumber. Architect. That's smart.
I'm trying to think what the task is going to be.
Let's write something that's going to be easy.
If we put "dog walker",
we might at least get to meet a dog.
LAUGHTER what about artist?
Artist is good because... Yeah. Cos it's a bit... Open-ended.
...open-ended. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah? Let's do artist. Yeah. Right.
I'm writing "artist". Artist.
So, you're counting dog walker as a profession?
Yeah, I don't want to... I don't want to be too down on...
Yeah. I mean, it's...
If it's very rarely in the drop-down menu, but...
LAUGHTER
...but nor is... you know, nor is stand-up.
OK. Fingers crossed.
"Perform an original lullaby for a dog walker."
"Perform an original lullaby for an artist."
"Most soporific, profession-specific lullaby wins.
"You have 30 minutes. Your time starts now."
What sort of artist is this?
Watercolours.
We can go through all the paint colours, can't we?
Can we find a dog that would fall asleep?
Something that's really on its last legs from the vet.
LAUGHTER
You want to use our allotted half hour...
...to seek out a nearly dead dog?
LAUGHTER
Uh, "aquamarine” - that's a good word.
Can you harmonise?
No, not really.
But I can certainly think of some dog species that rhyme.
Look what I birthed, that's a baby.
Looks at this little artist.
There. I'll put a body so it's got...
LAUGHTER
Oh. ..a bit of a body. I'm glad you wrapped it up.
Let's wrap that back up. Wrap that back up, like that.
Let's swaddle.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, a limbless potato baby and a dead dog.
Oh, I'm feeling lovely and sleepy already.
LAUGHTER
"Can you harmonise?"
“No, but I can certainly think of some dog species that rhyme."
With that, the new Lennon and McCartney were born.
LAUGHTER Thank you very much.
Performing a lullaby for a dog walker,
it's Frankie B and Ivo G.
# It's a long day walking with a Labrador
# Now you're coming home through your own front door
# Your legs are tired and your knees are weak
# Soon like a dog you will be put to sleep... #
LAUGHTER
# Your work is vital Don't misconstrue it
# Without you, we'd have to walk our own dogs
# Or get a neighbour to do it... # LAUGHTER
# Your bed is where you feel nice and smug
# Recoil your face up like an ancient pug
# You live your whole life with eight dogs on a lead
# Trying to work out if they pooed or they peed
# You spend your whole life in your local park
# But no more dogging for you after dark... #
LAUGHTER
BOTH: # It's a long day walking with a Labrador
# Now you're coming home through your own front door
# Your legs are tired and your knees are weak
# Soon like a dog, you will be put to sleep
# Dog walker, you sure ain't cheap
# Dog walker, go the fuck to sleep. #
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What a kind reaction.
LAUGHTER
Yep, within four lines, something was euthanised.
And were you playing percussion on a dog mess bag?
Yep. Nice touch.
And then right at the end, Ivo referenced group sex.
LAUGHTER It's the most horrific lullaby.
It seems like an attack on dog walkers.
But if don't tune in, it is soporific, I think.
It was soporific, yeah.
I was hoping for a bridge.
LAUGHTER
I'd have jumped off anything by the end of that.
LAUGHTER
Right, we're going to stop again with just one part to go
before our winner is crowned.
But before the break, I just want to give you this, Alex.
Oh.
I'm really looking forward to it.
It's the greatest day of my life! AUDIENCE: Aw!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello,
and welcome back to our grand final!
I can't believe it's nearly over. I need soothing, Alex.
Well, then, I've got good news, by big baby boy,
because I have a soothing lullaby for you all good to go.
It's Jenny, Kiell, and Mae with their song Baby Artist.
MAE PLAYS SOOTHING MELODY, SNORING
MAE AND KIELL: # Sleep, baby artist
# You're very, very tired
# Sleep, baby artist
# Your pains have expired
# You're breathing in turps
# we'll give you a burp... #
MAE BURPS
# You're our baby artist
# You're loved, baby artist, tonight
# Aquamarine... # LAUGHTER
# Cadmium yellow
# Viridian
# Mars black
# Burnt umber
# Indigo blue
# Raw sienna
# Light ochre
# Alizarin crimson
# Magenta
# French ultramarine
# Cerulean blue. #
SNORING
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I didn't see how Jenny closed
the eyes of the baby like that at the end.
That was... That was horrible. LAUGHTER
When Jenny started randomly listing colours,
I swear I saw that baby's eyes pop open.
LAUGHTER
Its head span.
She's very much the Bez in the group.
LAUGHTER
Which one was most soothing, Greg?
I mean there wasn't much in it, if I'm honest.
What, you think they were the same?
I'm judging it on what was the most soporific,
what would make me go to sleep,
and I think that the group of three
may only just clinch it,
and that's only because every now and again,
I might come out of my lovely slumber
to hear something's being murdered. LAUGHTER
OK, so, we're giving five points to the team of three, are we?
Yeah, but I'm giving them four. Well, there we go.
Four points for the team of two, five for the team of three. Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done. Well done, you.
OK, everyone, for the last time,
please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
DRAMATICALLY: Welcome.
Hi, Greg. Hello, mate.
Got my whistle and my iPad. I'm happy.
Yes. The final-final task. Are you excited?
I'm so excited about this one.
And who's going to read it out?
Jenny Eclair. Ahh.
This is such an honour. Thank you very much.
"Convince the Taskmaster that your feet are not in ice
"when they are in ice
"or that your feet aren't in ice when they are in ice.
"You must keep your feet either in ice or not in ice
"for 30 seconds before the Taskmaster makes his judgment.
"If the Taskmaster is correct, you are disqualified.
"Last player standing wins."
Yeah, so, just to explain, there is ice in their boxes.
There's little trays of ice.
You're going to have 30 seconds
to either get in it or not get in it.
Greg will be watching you,
so you can do whatever you want within that box
to convince him you are not what you are.
OK, everyone ready?
Yes. Mm. WHISTLE BLOWS
LAUGHTER
He's just... Wait.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIM AND LAUGH
You've got...
You've got 15 seconds if you want to change your minds.
LAUGHTER Ah! Oh! Ah!
OK, now stay put for 30 seconds. WHISTLE BLOWS
Greg, examine.
JENNY GROANS
LAUGHTER
Oh!
LAUGHTER
I take it your feet are really ice-cold, are they, Jenny?
You might think that.
LAUGHTER
Or are they? Oh! Hmm.
I don't think... HE LAUGHS
They're all...
They're all trying to make out they're in ice.
WHISTLE BLOWS Well, that's your 30 seconds up,
so we're going to go down the line. Ready?
Ready. Frankie.
Ice.
It is ice.
We've lost Frankie.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Ivo Graham.
Not ice.
A bad actor.
LAUGHTER We've lost Ivo.
Jenny Eclair.
Not ice.
Mwah-ha-ha! Oh! Ice!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Kiell.
Not ice.
We've lost another one. This might be Jenny's game.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
It's my skill, at last!
LAUGHTER
Mae Martin.
Not ice!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We have a winner.
Am I the winner? It's Jenny Eclair!
How did that happen?!
What a climax to the final.
Please come down and we'll see how it's affected the final scores.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Join me.
What an ending.
It's the way we always wanted it to end.
LAUGHTER
With only Jenny Eclair fooling you,
which means that Jenny Eclair gets the full five points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It does mean something's happened to the scoreboard.
Is there a cat amongst the pigeons?
There's two cats amongst the pigeons.
If we look at the top,
with 18 points, we have Mae Martin and Jenny Eclair.
No!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I proclaim a tie-break.
Yes, it's the first of the series.
Simple task - scream the loudest with your mouth closed.
LAUGHTER
And here's how they both got on.
Right. Silently screaming, OK.
Well not silently, ideally, but mouth shut.
No, I... Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK.
MUFFLED SCREAMING
THEY CONTINUE MUFFLED SCREAMING
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, Mae Martin's closed-mouth scream
registered 98.4 decibels,
whereas Jenny's was 114.7 decibels,
which means that Jenny is the winner!
There it is! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jenny Eclair wins the episode!
Please go and grab all your Greggy goodies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here we are again,
the bitter-sweet celebration that is the end of a series,
a new champion just moments from glory.
Damn, they fought hard,
and for one of them, their tenacious tasking
was actually worthwhile.
So, please, allow me to beckon forth my faithful lapdog
to prove his reason for being.
Little Alex Horne,
pray tell, what are the final scores?
In fifth place, it's Ivo with 131 points.
Yay! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The next three are all in the 150s.
We've got Frankie Boyle on 150 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
With 152 points, suddenly in third, it's Jenny Eclair.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And just above them, with 158 points,
it's Kiell Smith-Bynoe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The winner has been up there for quite a while now.
They've got 174 points. AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Over to you, Greg.
Whoa.
Our new Taskmaster Champion is...
...Mae Martin!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here you go, Mae. Well done. Well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
Subtitles by Red Bee Media