Brace, brace! I'm bracing!
This program me contains strong language and adult humour.
Hmph!
DRUM THUDS, BELLS JINGLE
No, no, no, no!
DRUM BANGS
BREATHY HONK No!
Ahh!
What?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everybody, and welcome to Taskmaster.
The road to Taskmaster victory is long,
there are many hurdles, physically and psychologically.
Different individuals respond in different ways
and sometimes on camera
there are those that seem not to care at all how well they do.
But do not be fooled.
One of them came to my dressing room last night,
hot tears streaming down their face,
HIGH-PITCHED: "I want this more than I've ever wanted anything before.
"I want to make my family proud. Please, Greg.
"Please don't take this from me, please.”
Now, I would never reveal that person's identity,
but I'll say this -
chin up, you're doing fine,
and don't be silly,
of course you'll be able to show your face in Scotland again.
Let's meet them all now.
Please give an enormous round of applause to Frankie Boyle...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Ivo Graham... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
.Jenny Eclair... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Kiell Smith-Bynoe... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...and Mae Martin. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me, a man who smells his own farts
using what he describes as his guff-and-cup system.
It's...
HIGH-PITCHED:. little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, hello, hello.
Hello. Good evening. How are you?
I am great... Wow.
...for once, and I want to take an opportunity, if you wouldn't mind,
an opportunity to thank this man,
because you get a lot of stick from people
for being mean to me.
But you're very nice. Four months ago, Greg gave me a watch.
He said "I want to give you this,"
and he gave me that, and it's really nice.
So nice guy. AUDIENCE: Aww.
I mean, I don't know what to do with this, cos this is just true.
Nice guy. I haven't got you anything, but you may do what you may with me.
Payback for my lovely present.
Put your tongue out.
I don't want to.
OK.
ALEX SQUEALS
SQUEALING CONTINUES
Come on, then. Yes, Greg, it's prize task time
and this week the category is,
"The most brilliant thing that pops up.”
HE GASPS
You'll give five points to the top of the pops
and then one of them will be really happy at the end of the show
when they win five brilliant things that pop up.
Back to you, Pops. Right.
Obviously, anyone who's brought a toaster in,
get ready for no points.
Ivo, hello. Hello, Greg.
What's the most brilliant thing that you've brought in that pops up?
It's, of course, the game of Whac-A-Mole
with a bespoke Taskmaster twist.
Here it is. He's done this.
There we are!
Oh, God. Come on!
I like it more than I ever imagined I would.
Yes!
Not too proud not to put myself in the Whac-A-Mole,
I suffer, as we all shall, at the hands of the bat.
Well, it's nice.
You made the effort to make it Taskmaster-centric
and I enjoy that.
It feels mid-range at this stage.
The Japanese format of Whac-A-Mole, Mogura Tataki,
Mole Smash, is popular worldwide, and now it's got our faces on it.
Five points, please.
Do you want me to enter five points? I do not.
Hello, Mae.
You remember what you said about toasters?
But.. bear with me. OK.
Er, I've brought a Pop-Tart...
Mm. But no, wait.
Yeah, this is Mae's most brilliant thing that pops up.
On the Pop-Tart is the most brilliant mind of our time.
My man, Professor Brian Cox.
Look at his hair, and...
Hey, Whac-A-Mole's looking more attractive.
Are you a fan of Professor Brian Cox?
I think he's fit, yeah.
No, I respect his mind.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
VAGUELY AS BRIAN COX: All you're going to see is my burning face.
How have you never had an impressions show?
Jenny. Oh, no.
You must be feeling a little bit encouraged
by Professor Brian Pop-Tart. No.
Do you like David Bowie? Do 1?7 Yeah. I don't mind him.
Right, David Bowie would never have had those big balloon trousers
had it not been for this bloke called Oskar Schlemmer, right?
And he designed the Bauhaus Ballet, so I have brought for you
a Bauhaus Ballet pop-up book.
Here is the book. Yeah.
Here it comes.
Pop!
Ooh. AUDIENCE: Oooh...
Did you hear that noise? The audience loved it.
Greg, come on!
I don't mind it.
It's interesting, cos the lineage from Oskar Schlemmer to Bowie
is all in the Bauhaus movement.
Yeah, that's why these people came here, Jenny. Yes, indeed.
They're gagging for Schlemmer! That's all they want!
They're Schlemmer crazy, these people.
Kiell.
The most brilliant thing that pops up
is obviously one's self.
And what better thing to pop up on than a pogo stick?
IMPRESSED MURMURS AUDIENCE: Ooh!
We've found our level.
Yes. Kiell has popped in this pogo stick.
I had a bit of fun.
My parents genuinely got me a pogo stick for Christmas.
I'm 35 years old. I was like, "Oh, what should I do with it?"
And they were like, "Bounce around with your friends."
You might avoid being bottom because I used to have a pogo stick
and I quite liked it, and that's the only reason.
I really like the image of you on a pogo stick.
I was quite good.
Got into a nasty accident with Mark.
Landed on his foot, poor lad.
Was he one of your students?
Hi, Frankie.
You must be feeling pretty confident here.
I have brought something that pops up regularly in my house.
I've tried to throw it out of my house, I think, on three occasions,
and it always returns
and I've ended up just hanging it on the wall in my living room.
And it is this very sinister painting.
Here it is.
It is awful, but I sort of love it.
Who's putting it up?
The children deny...
...but they're not trustworthy.
What is the least brilliant thing that pops up, Greg?
Well, what do you think? I feel like it might be the Pop-Tart.
It is. It just annoyed me.
It's out. One point. One point to Mae.
Pogo stick, two points. Aw!
Book, lazy, three points. Right.
Unbelievably, a Whac-A-Mole that he cut some faces out...
I don't know why it's got four points.
Mae, you're right, it's inconsistent. That's fine.
Four to Ivo. And that painting doesn't deserve any praise,
but weirdly it's getting five points. There. That's it.
One, two, three, four, five points for Frankie.
Let's get tasking.
Hmm, well, more like, “Let's get pulping.”
Hello, Alex. Hi, Jenny. Please stand on the little circle.
OK.
What do you think this is?
Frying pan.
A Victorian satellite.
I think this is a... like a World War Il bomb.
Be careful. I'll put the safety gloves on.
Of course, if it's a bomb. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK.
"Rotate the pulper wheel without pulping the egg.”
"You must not move from this spot at any point.
"If you pulp the egg, you are disqualified.”
"Most rotations wins."
"You have a maximum of ten minutes."
Pulper wheel...
Obviously.
Then what's a pulper?
I see no egg.
This is a pulper. Right.
And the egg's in it.
Where? Wait, hang on, what's a pulper?
Obviously it's very tempting to go,
"Ha-ha, he's lived his whole life in cotton wool,
"he's never used a pulper wheel."
But even much more practical contestants than me,
this is their first time doing this, I think.
Can I say I don't know what a pulper is?
Have you said, "Your time starts now," yet?
No. I wouldn't dream of it. Mm.
You're going to have to say, "Your time starts now".
PETULANTLY: "Your time starts now."
Over this series, we're building up a very clear picture
of what you were like as a child.
I've met that boy so many times.
HE GRUNTS MOCKINGLY
Shall we start? Yes, let's start.
We purchased a pulper, and this is what's going to happen.
First up, we're going to see Kiell and Frankie
starring in a little film I've called Pulp Friction.
The egg, you said, is, what, inside?
In the mouth of the pulper.
Where's that? I can't tell you any more.
But I want to see. You can't see it.
How do I know it's there? You'll have to take my word for it.
Tried that before.
So it's just a kind of blind Schrodinger's egg?
Exactly what it is.
So what's the process? That?
This?
The pulper machine... Yes. ..has a knuckled rotating drum
that, as it rotates, presses the cherries
across an iron faceplate...
It might be a different one.
The pulper drives the impeller to rotate through the motor
and the slurry in the tank is sucked out.
What's a slurry?
Oh, yeah. SMALL THUD
Oh, I hear the eqgg.
CREAKING
CLATTERING
Quarter of a turn.
You reckon that was the egg?
Does it sound like an egg? Mm.
Or a calculator.
OBJECTS BANG AND CLATTER
That's one rotation.
I mean, it can't be pulped if it's making that much noise.
I mean, that's another way of looking at it.
METALLIC SCRAPING AND CLATTERING
I don't think that was the egg.
Right, that's half a rotation.
I wonder, if it goes faster, it's less likely to break?
Yeah, I think the lack of speed is the problem.
Oh, yeah.
CLATTERING
PULPER SQUEALS
CLATTERING
I know what that was.
Plastic chair.
A plastic chair, OK.
You're on 8 rotations.
Stopping there?
Yeah, I think that's pretty good.
Nothing there.
SQUEALING AND CLATTERING
It's gone.
Are you stopping there? Yeah, it's gone.
234 rotations.
This is the first time they've seen the interior of the pulper.
So they were blind, obviously, and the...the more you spun it,
the higher the egg got towards danger.
That's how it worked.
Ah. Oh.
8% turns, then, is quite an impressive bit of pre-pulp spinning.
Brinkmanship.
The egg survived for both of them.
We've got a score of 82 versus 2%, but they're both still in play.
I put it to you, Kiell, that,
throughout the task and indeed when you left,
you didn't know what was going on.
I still don't know what a pulper is.
We wanna show more? Yeah.
OK. Next up to the pulper
are Jenny and Mae.
Right, so the egg is in the machine.
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna go very gently.
LOUD CLATTERING
That's the egg.
I haven't even done a single rotation yet, have 1?
No.
Oh, fuck it, pulp the egg!
I just want to pulp it pulp the stupid egg!
Yeah, get the egg pulped. I'm not gonna win anyway.
CLATTERING
There's no way that egg is not pulped.
That's one rotation.
I'm gonna pulp this eqgg, get it pulped!
I want it smashed to smithereens.
You've still got nine minutes.
What? I can't keep this up for another nine.
In the olden days, is this what the pulpers did?
Pulpers would come home to their wives.
The wives would be like, "Did you pulp the egg?”
And they'd be like, "I did eight rotations."
Alex, I want ten.
You want ten? OK. Ten rotations.
It's smashed, isn't it? The egg's smashed.
That's 11.
I think an egg could survive this.
It's not the eqq.
13. I'll stop on 13.
That's 13. OK. Yeah? Yeah.
Thanks, Jenny.
How long?
You've got just 30 seconds.
I will just kick myself if
I hadn't pulped it and I stopped turning.
AUDIENCE GROANS
I'm intrigued by the characters that you created during that,
Mr and Mrs Egg Pulper.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are they from, that couple?
Wherever Nancy from Oliver Twist is from.
Ah. They're all... Yeah.
WARBLING: "Oh!" Like that.
I mean, I really enjoyed that.
They did very well but also very badly,
which means Kiell is still in second place.
And sometimes it doesn't matter if you don't understand the task.
Right, Part One is about to have it on its toes.
Open the back door to the van
and we'll bundle Part Two in shortly. Bye.
CHEERING
GUITAR STRUMS, DRUM THUDS, HARMONICA HONKS
HORN HONKS REPEATEDLY
CHEERING
Oh, yes. Hello, we're back. It's the second part of the show
and there's a really noisy task in motion
to test the bravery of our quivering quintet.
Yes, they're proactive pulpers, that's for sure.
None of them knew what was happening inside the machine
but they knew they needed to keep their eggs intact as all costs.
So far, there have been two successful
and two unsuccessful attempts,
so here's lvo Graham to upset the balance.
I haven't been very good at lateral thinking tasks
and I haven't been very good at egg tasks.
But I'm gonna find the eqgqg.
Can I move this spot?
All of the information is on the task. Well, yeah, but...
Are you now better informed?
No, I wish I hadn't seen all this, really.
Ooh!
You've got five minutes left. Yep.
APPLAUSE
Let's get pulping.
CLATTERING
You've got three minutes left.
30. 307
31. 33.
Ten seconds. The last pulp.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I felt some weird level of pride
watching the Ivo frog bounce his way round.
I think there was immense dignity watching my body spasm
with a gloved egg in my mouth.
So it wasn't cheating?
You just had to stay on the spot at all times.
Oh, shit! Why didn't I think of that?
Well, he clearly rotated it more than anyone else.
56 times. Congratulations, Ivo.
CHEERING
So Jenny and Mae don't get any points, apologies.
Three points to Kiell, four to Frankie,
but, of course, five to Ivo Graham!
CHEERING
Let's have the scoreboard, nice boy.
OK, it means that those two, Frankie and Ivo,
are in the joint leading spots - nine points each. Mm!
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
I think it's about time we had another team task.
Ooh, I do too, Greg. It feels so right.
So here's a pretty sweet one just for you.
Hiya.
Frankie.
Hello, Ivo. Hello.
Oh, my goodness. This has gone a bit S&M-y.
OK.
Hello. Ooh!
It's you first.
Me? Mm-hm.
Do we have a safe word?
You've done this before?
Yeah, I'm really at home.
Right. Jenny?
Well, I've been arrested, obviously,
but I haven't done sex games with these.
Couple more things.
Jelly babies?
Are they jelly babies? Yeah.
They're numbered - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
"Completely free yourselves and have a team hug."”
"Fastest team hug wins."
"Your times starts...now."
OK, OK. So there's a 1 on here
and is there another number on this one?
This is 2.
Hmm.
Well, Jenny Eclair is the chirpiest S&M-er I've ever met.
Fun! Listen, let's focus on the task.
OK, right. I'm looking forward to seeing them free themselves.
OK, let's see the handcuffed threesome of Mae, Jenny and Kiell.
There's a key here.
Kiell, can you reach the key? Let's try.
Stretch, come on.
That's definitely impossible.
So let's think for a minute. I'm gonna count my 2s.
I've got 15 in here.
One...
Hey, what's that? Menu.
Oh, OK, so these are different flavoured jelly babies.
OK, well, I'm gonna bite the head off one, see if I got a flavour.
Four...
Oh, Jesus Christ, that's the most disgusting thing
I've ever eaten in my life. Six.
I think it might be chicken feet.
Urgh!
Would you like to have the bottom half? No.
15 in here too. I'm gonna eat one of these.
Wait, but what is the point? Because you want to or what?
Is there a plan behind it?
This is a five-digit code and there's five glasses.
But then what does it prove?
We're gonna have to figure out what flavour all these are
and then we're gonna have to use those. But those aren't numbered.
But that will correspond with the periodic table somehow.
I love your brain. Before I bite anything, I need to know...
Urgh! Yeah, that's what I'm trying to avoid.
This is wasabi... Wasabi. OK.
Wait, but what do you mean OK? Like OK, and then what?
That's gonna correspond with that. Like, maybe the initials of it?
What's W?
74.
Urgh! Is it awful?
It's mint and gravy. I'm going mint and gravy.
It's mint and gravy. Urgh!
So you had wasabi?
I think I'm going to be sick.
Mint and gravy, which is Mg, which is Magnesium.
And what number? 12. OK.
So you think that I should have 12 and then go to the...the 747
Yes, so 1-2-7-4.
7-4, OK.
I'm going to keep eating them.
Number three is green.
You can do it.
Hold on. Mae, if I do it one by one, it's gonna give us a clue
to what it might be, cos at some point... Oh, that's really clever.
Oh! Ha! Yes. What was it?
0. It was O, OK. So what starts with a zero?
What starts with a zero?
Er, so it can be bacon and kale, it could be broccoli.
Is that the green one? Could it be broccoli?
That's a B. Er, 0-5.
So we'll start with 5 on the next lot. We're on to... OK.
It's very bad. It's really weird.
This is definitely pepper and beetroot.
Oh, that's definitely beetroot.
Lead. 82.
And then the next one was...
...seaweed. Urgh!
Oh, seaweed! I've got it. I've just got it.
A real hit. Yes, it's seaweed.
Er, 16.
Wahey!
APPLAUSE
There you go. Well done, well done.
Team hug. Oh, team hug!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Is it fair to say that Jenny and Mae
were the most active members of the escape committee?
What-what I will say is that that has been edited... Yeah.
...very, very nicely in my favour,
because I was a monster in that room.
I'm so glad they cut it out, cos it was really tense.
I...I wasn't putting fucking broccoli jelly babies in my mouth.
I mean, that much quickly became apparent.
It was a very difficult task.
Er, they took the same amount of time
you could listen to All That I Want Is Another Baby five times -
17 minutes 50.
APPLAUSE
OK, time for a break.
Just time for those couples watching
who let the family dog sleep in the same bed as them
to reflect on the day
you threw the towel in on your love life. Bye!
CHEERING
Hello, and a warm welcome back to Part Three. Tell me stuff, Alex.
Sure, Greg. Well, jelly babies, the periodic table, handcuffs
and the ultimate goal of a hug.
That's a typical day for me. Coincidentally, they're also
the main ingredients of the current team task,
but how quickly will the intelligent team of Frankie and Ivo
work out the conundrum, release themselves from the cuffs
and embrace victorious?
Let's find out.
Right. Shall we both have a 5?
Sure, OK.
Hmm, that's quite unpleasant, isn't it?
Green...
Might be broccoli.
In fact, it is broccoli, I think. OK.
Number four is hot. See what you think.
Urgh! Really fucking unpleasant.
Could be cumin and radish? Cumin and radish.
There must be a Cr.
So maybe broccoli was B.
So if we took that as five...
Yeah, Cr, Chromium - 24.
But how does that help us? Cos that gives us two digits?
Unless we add them together.
Why don't we add two and four together to make six?
Let's see what number three is.
This doesn't have a lot of taste to it. Mint and gravy?
Yep.
Magnesium, which is 12. Mint and gravy.
So we add those together, that would be three.
No. I reckon if you just laid out the ten numbers,
the first five would be padlock one
and the second five would be padlock two.
Well, that's complicated things.
I think both the padlocks will be the same.
INCORRECT BUZZER You know what I mean?
Close your eyes.
Pepper and beetroot, maybe?
Pb.
82 would give us 10, which is a two-digit number,
which is no use in this five-digit debacle.
You love adding those numbers together.
It... You know, it does seem
a waste of, you know, all these-two digit elements.
Well, OK, that's the strategy.
I've got so much respect for you, Frankie,
but I don't think it's adding the numbers together.
I've never thought that.
Your system or mine?
Well, let's go with yours, man.
OK so 1-2-7-4.
Broccoli, B, so the last number is O.
Yes! Yes!
And now... I was so wrong.
APPLAUSE
Er, start with a 5. 8-2.
Great ready to hug, Frankie.
There's the 1.
Here comes the 6.
Er, you're not completely freed.
Oh, oh, right.
Where might the key be?
There's no key here.
Oh, in a jelly baby thing?
It's not fair that you should
make a task feel so like it's finally finished
and then it just be getting started.
It's right there above the periodic table!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This has turned into quite a begrudging hug, I'm afraid.
Not for me, baby.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Both hugs for me - adorable.
The handcuffed hug particularly.
You felt reticent to point out to Frankie
that his system was incorrect?
Well, obviously, there was a period where
there was a very strong chance that Frankie's system might be correct.
It's co-pilot syndrome, isn't it?
You know, a lot of plane crashes happen
because the co-pilot is too scared to say to the brash pilot,
"Look we're gonna hit the fucking ground here, mate."”
And I was that guy.
"Neeeeyow!"
And during it,
I asked Alex to isolate a picture of the co-pilot's face
when he knew that he had the answer
but wasn't sure he should say anything.
This is the face. Yep.
Let's talk about points.
OK, the team of three took
17 minutes and 50 seconds.
The team of two took 42 minutes and...
AUDIENCE GROANS
I'm guessing five points for the team of three.
Of course it is.
The team of two did achieve the task eventually.
Oh, yeah, there's points. What do they get?
I can't give them any more than two points for that.
All right, five points to the team of three,
two to the team of two! Very nice. CHEERING
Can we fit one more task in, please?
Definitely, Greg, and this one begins with them
making some very important decisions.
This gold pen reminds me of school.
Like, one boy in the year would have a gold pen.
I'd have it by the end of the year, though.
Oh.
"Write down a number between 0 and 100."
"A length of time between 1 minute and 20 minutes."”
"Five ingredients."
"A country, a noun.”
"And an adjective.”
This seems too simple.
"You have three minutes."
"Your time starts now."
Why does that seem so easy?
Well, then what do I have to do with it?
Presumably there's some trick involved.
Number between 0-100, 50.
80.
42. Meaning of life.
75.
77 Lovely.
A length of time between 1 minute and 20 minutes.
Two minutes.
15 minutes.
19 minutes.
4 minutes, 20 seconds.
Also meaning of life.
21 seconds.
1 minute and 21 seconds.
Five ingredients.
These ingredients are gonna bounce back and hit me in the face.
Chilli. Cherries.
Sausage, ketchup, bun, mustard, grilled onions.
You know what that means?
Er, no?
Hot dog. Ah.
Basil. Cumin.
Garlic. Salt.
And...
...cannellini beans.
A country? Scotland. France.
Guatemala.
Kenya. Germany. I used to live there.
A noun. Duck.
Duck. Shoe.
Dog.
Bench.
Large.
Splendid.
Feisty.
12 seconds. Oh. Cowering.
Gold.
Is this a trick?
Hmm...
See you later, then. All right.
PEN CLICKS
Now, the adjectives are more interesting than the nouns.
Duck, duck, shoe, dog, bench is what they've gone for.
But two of them went for duck - the first noun that came. Yeah.
There were a lot of ducks around the house, though -
that may be something to do with it.
There were? Like Li...?
No, not real ducks. Oh, OK!
Shall we start with the double duckers? Double duckers.
Yes, well they both choose duck as their go-to noun,
so let's see Ivo and Mae together.
Hello. Hi.
If it isn't my dream five ingredients.
"Make a splendid Guatemalan duck.”
"Make a feisty French duck."
"You must use all these ingredients and you must also clap 80 times."
"And you must also clap 42 times.
"You have four minutes and 20 seconds."
"You have 19 minutes. Your time starts now."
I could have picked any noun and I picked duck, so...
Which is a food.
.8, 9, 80.
That would be good news if any of this was duck.
Smells good.
Does it? Yeah, sweetcorn.
Sure I saw a duck.
What I need is to make a mould of a duck.
Christ! The time!
That's a duck.
Good, really good.
No, no, not so good.
Why didn't I just ask for more time when I designed my own task?
Oh, it's burning. It's burning.
French duck.
Oh... GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION
HE GROANS
Um...so what else is...er...?
I think this is all about confidence.
Um, I think I've just got to do it all on the duck, to be honest.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Good evening.
Good evening, Mae.
I've made for you a splendid Guatemalan duck.
Bonjour, Alex. Bonjour, Ivo.
You have been busy.
Too late to pop a little beret on?
Do you see the beak?
Do I see the wings?
Er, they were removed.
It's Guatemalan because of this sauce, is it?
And corn comes from Central America. Mm-hm.
Splendid.
Why is he French?
Well, the garlic is obviously doing some pretty heavy lifting.
It's too heavy to hang around the neck, unfortunately.
He's got a beret on,
but I did forget to do all my claps.
Yeah, it's good. Really?
Yeah. I like it.
Thank you!
Mae, I put it to you that your duck mould was no more useful
than just chucking two piles of sweetcorn onto a plate.
Yeah. Did you think the end result was splendid?
Actually, Alex, like, went back for a second bite.
Like, it was not that bad, was it?
He'll eat anything, though. All of that is true.
You won't eat ANYTHING will you, though, Alex?
I didn't see you sort of tucking in to my...
All I could do, surely, was lick your duck.
Niftily moving that spot around the pulper feels a long time ago now.
It does make me feel quite sorry for you sometimes,
when you grip your head... Yeah. Yeah.
...like a chimpanzee whose habitat is under threat.
Oh, dear. Right, there's just one part left,
and in it, someone will win today's competition
and scream, "Yes! At last, I've won a Professor Brian Cox Pop-Tart
"and a pogo stick! Whoo!"
CHEERING
DRUM THUDS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello again!
Welcome back to the final instalment of today's show.
Alex, can you please sum up your break for me in one word?
Plop.
Rather than go into detail, let's get the current task finished.
The comics wrote down some numbers, some ingredients,
a country, a noun, and an adjective,
all to give them the chance to make the next part of the task
nice and easy for them.
Here's Frankie making a dog,
Jenny making a shoe, and Kiell making a bench.
So these are the things I mentioned earlier. It was a trick.
"Make a large Scottish dog.”
"Make a cowering Kenyan bench.”
"Make a Gold German shoe."
"You must use all these ingredients.”
"And you must also clap seven times."
"50 times."
"75 times.
"You have 15 minutes. Most accurate creation wins."
"1 minute and 21 seconds."
Two minutes?
Yeah, that's what you wanted.
Oh, God.
"Your time starts...now."
You've got just over a minute left.
Oh, what?
MICROWAVE BEEPS
I'm gonna cook that fucking potato cos it's got to be edible.
We've got an eye.
Oh, man.
There is a gold shoe outside.
Mein gelb Schuh, bitte. Jawohl
I was hoping that would look like a tail
but it just looks like he's sort of shat everywhere.
You have 30 seconds.
That goes in there like that.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Hello, Frankie. Hi.
What have you made me? I've made you a large Scottish dog.
Look, there's the St Andrew's flag there.
Oh, to show that it's Scottish?
Yeah, but what's showing that it's a dog?
Um...
Das Dinner ist here.
It's a slightly undercooked chilli con carne. Oh.
I'd eat with caution and milk.
I normally do.
It's a cowering Kenyan bench.
Please can you show me the Kenyan aspect?
It's difficult to see with the human eye
but on every part of those grilled onions,
it says, "Nairobi."
Oh, does it? And cowering?
It's hiding from this guy.
It's not really a sort of eating situation, is it?
Very nice. Is it?
This might be my perfect meal.
Taste of Africa?
It's delicious.
Well, I suppose the obvious question is to Frankie, and it's, um...
...have you ever seen a dog before?
The big red eyes of a Scottish dog.
A singular, big, red eye of the floury Scottish dog.
And in what way is chilli con carne stuck in a shoe German?
Other than you kept speaking like
a cast member of 'Allo 'Allo, of course.
I just was trying my best.
I know that you're going to tell me something that's so awful.
I don't think I clapped, I don't think I fucking clapped.
MANIACALLY: I don't think I clapped. Did I clap? I didn't clap.
Jenny, not only did you not clap,
you finished with one minute to go and sat down.
Kiel|, I have to say, it was pretty impressive
that he managed to create that,
and I did understand the imagery as well.
I mean, I maybe questioned whether he'd had time
to engrave Nairobi onto the onions.
It's hard to see.
I genuinely was quite impressed.
Was Jenny's chilli nice?
The task wasn't really about whether it tasted nice.
I didn't have to eat them.
No, I was just making conversation, you bell end. Oh, right.
Go on, let's get on, if you like.
Here are all five.
Pay close attention to Frankie's, top left.
Also, he didn't clap,
so it's not that relevant.
Well, they're all so wonderful,
I feel a bit mean giving zero.
I would give the people who didn't clap one charity point.
So, the top row - Frankie, Ivo, and Jenny - all one point.
And the other two... I'm sure I'll be judged very harshly for this,
but I am more impressed by the bench. I am.
It took only a minute.
Kiell gets five points! CHEERING
I need a scoreboard update, please.
In this episode, Greg,
two people who've not won a show yet could do.
Kiell's in the lead on 15.
Frankie's in joint second on 12.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, then. You know the drill.
Please vacate those seats for the final task of the show!
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, young man.
My tongue is still sore.
Who will read the task out?
Mae Martin, please.
Say the word given to you by the Taskmaster
in the accent on the card you choose.
The Taskmaster will guess what accent you're doing.
Highest score after three rounds wins.
I hope Brian Cox is one of the options.
Are you ready for the first word?
Yes. They've all been given a country.
We're going to start with Mae, and go from right to left.
What's the first word, Greg?
Taskmaster.
WITH CELTIC TWANG: Taskmaster.
SCATTERED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Where is Mae from?
Scotland.
Let's see on the card.
Oh! KIELL: Ha-ha-ha!
My whole family are from Wales, Mae.
Next up, it's Kiell.
Kiell, good luck.
Tiskmester.
South Africa.
What's the country, Kiell?
New Zealand.
Oh!
Jenny's turn.
Tashkmashter.
Norwegian.
Sweden.
It's so close.
It is so close. Very close.
Ivo's turn.
MICKEY MOUSE-ESQUE: Taskmaster.
Is Disney a country?
Generic American in there. America?
Sorry, Mae.
Canada. Oh, close.
It sort of is generic America, isn't it?
AUDIENCE JEERS No, Alex.
Frankie, you all right? Could get the first point in Round One.
WITH IRISH BROGUE: Taskmaster!
He's from Ireland.
It is from the Republic of Ireland.
JENNY: Oh, well done.
So now I'm going to give you a city.
What do they have to say this time, Greg?
They have to say my full name, Mr Gregory Daniel Davies.
Good luck, Mae.
IN GRUFF SCOTTISH ACCENT: Gregory Daniel Davies.
Good.
Glasgow.
It is...
...Glasgow! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Kiell.
IN SMOOTH AMERICAN ACCENT: Mr Gregory Daniel Davies.
Los Angeles. Yes.
Let's see.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good luck, Jenny.
Mr...
...Gregory...
...Daniel Davies?
It's the only one I can't do.
I don't think the squat is relevant.
I don't know. I mean, Moscow?
Twinned with...
I apologise to Newcastle, a city I love.
Oh, wow. That's sensational.
Ivo.
Mistah Gregory Daniel Davies.
I think that's Ivo trying to sound like
a street-tough New Yorker.
I'm sticking with it. New York.
I'm always trying to be street-tough.
It's New York!
CHEERING
Frankie.
IN ULSTER ACCENT: Mr Gregory Daniel Davies.
Absolutely easy. Belfast.
He's the impressionist!
CHEERING
Man of a thousand voice... Two. Two voices!
So Round Three's a little different.
This time, it's walking.
On these cards we've got all your names and our names.
They are in there several times,
so you might have the same ones twice.
Greg's gonna try to spot the person by the walk.
Mae's going to start, right? Yes.
OK. Good luck.
Whilst I personally don't think this is accurate...
...Jenny Eclair.
Are we correct? Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Kiell.
Well, I presume it's a repeat.
It is possible that it's a repeat.
OK, I'll roll the dice.
That was poor Jenny again.
She has become Poor Jenny. He's correct.
You know when laughing and tears are really, really close?
Good luck. I'd love it if it's you.
I know that subservient gait.
Alex Horne.
Yes! It was Alex Horne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jenny's off the mark. Now, Ivo.
It was the, in my opinion, very graceful...
...Jenny Eclair.
When does this cross into bullying?
I've already lost the episode, I just wanted to have a go at it.
Oh, lovely. One left.
Frankie, with an unblemished score sheet...
Frankie, roll the Jenny Eclair dice.
I think Frankie was doing Kiell.
Mae Martin.
And there we are.
We'll add all that to the final scores and see where we get to.
Come on down and join me.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
One of your bestest tasks. Good boy.
Thanks, mate. Oh, can I call you mate?
"Thanks, mate"? No. No.
Yes, well, Kiell, Mae, and Frankie came joint first -
they each got two out of the three,
so they get five points each. Well done them.
CHEERING
Unfortunately, thanks to Ivo throwing a go
and Jenny's Newcastle abomination, they come joint fourth,
so get two points each. There we go.
They still did very well.
We have a new winner. Never guess who it is.
With 20 points,
it's Kiell Smith-Bynoe! Oh! CHEERING
Kiell Smith-Bynoe wins!
Please pop up to collect your pop-up prizes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
See you again soon,
but, please, let's hear it once more for tonight's winner,
Kiell Smith-Bynoe!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media