News Anchor: In the early aughts,
looking to cement his power and overthrow Yeltsin loyalists,
President Vladimir Putin looked to some of his closest allies
from his former KGB days.
One such man is Dimislav Molokov,
a devout Russian Orthodox man
who at the time ran a small dairy farm in Rostov Oblast.
Putin invited Mr. Molokov to the Kremlin,
where he sampled his milk.
Molokov struck gold.
White gold, that is.
Putin liked it so much that in the ensuing months,
there was a systematic shutdown of dairy farms
across the country,
which Mr. Molokov snapped up for literal pennies.
The farmers who opposed the purchases
from the newly minted oligarch, now known simply as Dima,
were either incarcerated for opposition politics
or simply never heard from again.
And while most of you think how does one become
a multi-billionaire from milk?
The answer is simple.
He also mines uranium.
- Say what now? - [Laughter]
The point is... the point is Russia [bleep] up.
[Laughter]
[Cow moos] _
- That's not a joke. - He doesn't need to make jokes.
He's just pointing out how messed up Russia is.
He does the news better than the news does.
What are you talking about?
That was the news.
All he did was swear and make a stupid face.
All right, guys. Listen to me.
We are in the middle of a very dangerous situation right now.
Dealing with an oligarch who's forcing your father
to marry his daughter
all because my father is running a black market
of Canadian homo milk that's undercutting his monopoly.
See? Russia [bleep] up. You don't need to make jokes.
Why don't we just run away?
Yeah, there's not that many guards.
- We can probably outrun 'em. - I'm not doing that.
I'm not putting you guys in any more danger.
Let's just have your dad say his fake "I do's"
and take his Russian bride back to the states,
where we will deal with this diplomatically
with the State Department.
Okay? Trust me.
This is no picnic for your dad, either.
[Laughs]
You're so funny!
[Russian accent] It's the vodka.
It make me funny! It's the voice, too.
Kiss me.
Hmm?
[Normally] Okay, umm...
- Hey! - Yeah?
[Gasps]
Ow.
Can't sample milk
until you're paid for the cow.
♪
Sergeant Pepper is such a dick.
[Man singing in Russian]
[Buzzing]
♪
[Clears throat]
♪
- Hey. - Oh, hey.
I can't do it. I can't do this marriage thing.
Look what she makes me wear.
I say I just keep stalling
until maybe your dad shows up.
That's who this Dima guy wants, anyway.
Bill, honey, my dad is not showing up, all right?
He's not some hand of God who cares more about his family
than he does risking his own life.
That's not gonna happen.
Okay, then, I say we make a run for it. Okay?
- I was talking to Nico. - I don't know who that is.
That's the ponytail guy.
Sergei?
One of the names.
Okay, anyway, he said a couple of his workers
escaped through the mines.
- The uranium mines? - Yeah.
Are you out of your... No, honey, we're not doing that.
You know what you're gonna do?
You're gonna marry this ugly Russian broad.
We're gonna go back to the States,
and we're gonna be a family, okay?
I don't want to marry a stranger, okay?
[Sing-song voice] Future husband!
Where are you in here?
- That's her? - Yeah, she's gross.
- Hey. [Chuckles nervously] - Ugh.
- It's so gross in here. - I know. I just said that.
_
[Laughs]
Mm! Mm. Mnh-mnh.
[Exhales heavily]
- Let's go. - Yeah. Yeah, I will. I'll catch up.
I'm just gonna finish yelling at these milkers.
"Milkieskers." "Milkies."
Hey, hey, can we circle back to the thing...
- your thing about leaving? - Yeah.
Yeah. Let's make a run for it.
Delilah: We should not be in here.
Jared: Yeah, a Uranus mine doesn't sound safe.
Robin: It's fine. Just don't breathe too deeply.
Yet another stupid plan made by the Parkers.
- Hey, you're a Parker, too, you know? - Oh, my God.
Okay, and you've made plenty of stupid plans.
You can't escape your genes.
Look at this one.
He doesn't want to be like his mom, but he is.
- I'm not like my mom. - I wanna be like my mom.
- Your mom's dead. No, she's not. - She lives in Italy.
- How could you not tell me this? - I know.
It's the one place I've always wanted to go.
Why would you think that?
Why are you so surprised by any of this?
[High-pitched voice] I'm already assuming that her mom
is just another crazy sister that wants to have sex with Dad.
[High-pitched voice] Wait, what's wrong with your voice?
Nothing. I think it's just an echo in here.
[High-pitched voice] No, your voice definitely sounds higher.
[High-pitched voice] Your voice sounds... [Indistinct arguing]
We gotta go. We gotta go.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, keep your voices down, please!
What's the point? They're already high.
- Yeah, I'm going back. - No, stop, stop!
Stop! No, what are you doing?
We just got this family back together, okay?
The core four.
We've gone through hell trying to keep us together.
Please, don't rip us apart again.
I don't even know why you guys want me back.
You do realize we're 18 in 2 years, right?
Yes, but we want to be in your life forever.
Yeah, just like you guys are in your parents' life forever.
That's different. Our parents are shitty.
So are mine! And we're in a mine.
Sorry. It sounded really funny in my head.
I think it's all the poisonous gases we're inhaling.
You know, you guys pay a lot of lip service
to this family is everything bullshit,
but I don't see a lot of evidence of it.
Delilah. You know what the happiest moments of my life was?
Let me guess. Sitting on the beach,
watching me play in the water.
Did you tell her my speech?
We spent a lot of time together in the last little while.
We didn't have anything else to talk about.
What do you want from us?
Please, just tell us, and we will deliver.
I promise.
First, let's just get the hell out of this mine.
Well...
that we can do. Let's do it.
Your mom and I always know where we're going.
Let's get some. Shit.
- Oh, no! - You can't even hear that.
I know. The helium of the mine is fun to talk with.
Makes you sound like you're in a popular Russian show
"Ivan and Squirrels."
Ivan!
[Laughter] Ivan!
And we also use it to test for leaks.
You need intensive toxic cleansing.
- Aah! - Ow!
- Shit!
♪
The loofah's a little scratchy.
♪
Better?
Ehh. [Spits] A little bit.
♪
Don't tickle me. Get in there.
♪
I always wanted to moved to downtown Syracuse,
but my father said he wants to buy us a house at Stratmore.
You know what's funny?
You strike me a modern-day feminist woman
who doesn't need to obey her father.
Why don't we skip this whole wedding thing
and move right to America
and talk directly to immigration?
- What is word "feminist"? Dip. - Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- Drag. - Yeah.
Feminist is like equal rights, men and women, you know?
50/50.
It's freedom to do whatever you want including wearing flats.
Russia have equal rights, 50/50 for many years.
It was called Communism.
It didn't work.
The world of equality in dystopia
where only ugly lesbians are happy.
I want an American life.
Looking beautiful, having children,
wearing high heels, watching fireworks.
[Both chuckle]
Who doesn't?
Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.
[Giggles]
- You did good. - Thanks.
_
Again? Jesus.
♪
Hello, sir? Hi, sir.
Can I just have a moment of your time?
Listen, I want to talk about your daughter.
Your daughter will do anything you say.
She loves you.
If you just went up to her and said, "Look, this guy Nate."
Who's Nate?
I'm Nate.
And you said, "Nate is such a loser."
I've already done that.
Good, good, yeah,
then you just put your foot down about this wedding.
Say no. I know you don't want this to happen.
I could find her another guy to marry in a second.
Trust me, I've tried.
She'll say, "I'll only marry a man from Syracuse."
So I invite whole plane of losers from Syracuse area
just to show her how much they suck.
Pay for elaborate Russian bride bullshit thing,
and she says, "I like the guy, but no, he's from Ithaca."
That guy okay, but no, he's from Binghampton."
No to guy from Rochester. Then you show up from Syracuse.
What's so great about Syracuse?
I Google, it sucks!
- It's got its charms. - What?
Erie Canal Museum is shit.
It was quite an engineering feat.
I mean, 18 aqueducts, 72 locks,
but you don't care about shipping history,
connecting the Great Lakes to the Atlantic.
Listen, your daughter's such a beautiful woman.
Then you marry.
That's the problem. I can't.
I'm kind of already married.
To homo milk man's daughter?
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm religious man.
I respect those who enter the holiest matrimony
in the face of God.
You show proof for married, I no force you.
And that's the second problem.
We never officially actually
ever got around to getting married.
Why not?
[Sighs] I don't know.
Well, then, you're getting married to my daughter tomorrow.
And that's final? That's...?
I get it. You've got a tank.
I've just got roller sk...
Whoa! [Chuckles]
Finally getting the hang of these.
I did not mean to put my mouth on your penis.
I'm very sorry.
[Chuckles nervously]
[Loud clatter]
I'll leave.
♪
By the power vested in me by the great state of Alaska...
- I wonder if I'm still the mayor. - You're not.
The box turtle won a special election.
Oh, good for Nigel.
Well, with the little power I have left,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
I know this doesn't change anything.
It's gonna help me get through this, okay,
and I know this isn't your dream wedding,
but at least you're still in white.
- I just love you so much. - I love you, too, but baby,
I think they're asking us to go in there and... do it.
Are you suggesting we go in there and...
- Oh, that's... - Bless your heart.
That's very sweet, but these are our kids.
That'd be weird.
You know we really don't care anymore.
Yeah, between the farting and the cud chewing,
we really can't hear anything.
Yeah, no, it's way too weird.
Thank you, though.
Okay, well, we're gonna be in here.
Don't be too loud.
Actually... actually, you know what, babe?
I think we should consummate this thing.
It's our wedding night. Come on, let's do it.
All right. All right.
Let's do it. Thank you.
Oh, it's lovely. You got a beautiful home.
Look at that. I love it.
[Chuckles]
Okay. Oh, oh. Wait a minute. Hold on.
[Groans]
[Yells in Russian]
- Aah! - [Bucket clanks]
♪
[Singing in Russian]
♪
You look like Czar Feodore the Third.
Thank you.
He was sickly due to the inbreeding
and being kicked in head by horse.
Wore a diaper to the coronation
and could not put his hat on, either.
Okay, okay. It's just so tight.
♪
You look good.
I feel like an idiot.
[Sighs]
I'm sorry we're such shitty parents.
Don't be.
You're marrying the daughter of a Russian oligarch
so we can get back to Syracuse and live a normal, boring life.
You're doing all this for less than two years family time.
You're not great parents, but you're not shitty.
That means a lot.
- Don't start crying. - I always cry at weddings. [Sniffles]
Aw, shit.
Now I gotta ride. No, get up, please.
I'm not stepping on your back. Okay?
I'll get on the... small horse myself.
Honey, it's so small.
- I'm gonna break its back. - I know.
If I don't get on it, he's gonna break my back.
God, I'm sorry.
I just ripped my pants. I just ripped my pants.
Yep.
- Be careful. - I know.
I'm just trying not to break its back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - [Audience chuckles]
Um... my pants ripped wide open.
How long do we have to stay here for?
I mean, I gotta go to work.
These cows aren't gonna shovel their own shit.
I don't know. Maybe she realized she
was stealing some other woman's man.
Is she coming soon? These people are getting restless.
_
Funky Bunch, no Mark!
♪ Aw, yeah ♪
♪ Funky Bunch in the building ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Look out, sons, or you're gonna get punched ♪
♪ Step back, Mother, Father, here comes the Funky Bunch ♪
♪ Ugh ♪
♪ Yo, we're back from the '90s like one, two, three ♪
♪ Scotty Gee, Hector Booty and your boy ♪
♪ DJ T. We heard the jumps and the smack and the stuff ♪
Together: ♪ But believe in the bunch ♪
♪ We just as good without Mark ♪
♪ We don't need Mark with his fat, tight body ♪
♪ We disassociate with his agent in crime ♪
♪ We don't need Mark, we don't need Mark ♪
♪ We're the brains and the brawn ♪
♪ And the balls and the spark ♪
♪ We don't need Mark, we don't need Mark ♪
♪ We're the brain and the brawn ♪
♪ And the balls and the spark ♪
- Is this actually the Funky Bunch? - No.
Well, why would you tell everybody that it was?
No one knows the difference.
♪ We don't need Mark, we don't need Mark ♪
♪ We're the brains and the brawn ♪
♪ And the balls and the spark ♪
♪ Oh, say can you see ♪
♪ By the dawn's early light ♪
Oh, no, no!
♪ What so proudly we hailed... ♪
[Clears throat]
Dad?
- Pee Paw? - Pee Paw?
Hand of God! I knew he'd be back!
[Cheers] What the hell are you guys doing here?
We're being forced to work here until you surrender,
and because of that, Nate has to marry that guy's daughter.
Who's Nate?
Hey! [Laughs]
I did not know that.
Then what are you doing here?
I'm here to destroy the rule of this
Keebler Elf.
You're screwed now, pal! [Laughs]
You no ruin me.
Is impossible.
By myself? No.
But with a little family help, it's been surprisingly easy.
- Natalia. - [Audience murmurs]
_
You always tell me I'm a free woman.
Free to make my choice.
But this? This is all fake.
Nate is not in love with me.
He's in love with this old woman.
She's 39.
That is what I said... old.
_
You always taught me,
when angry, do not act violently like a night witch.
Instead, channel your energy
to destroy your enemy financially.
_
You are forcing him to marry me!
I am no feminist, but I will be treated fairly,
and my voice will be heard
regarding my own life and happiness.
You're bluffing. He has no power in Russia.
You're right. I don't.
But then she introduced me to this guy named Vlad.
I forget his last name.
Old KGB buddy of yours, I believe.
Anyhoo, it turns out,
he's grown really tired of your overpriced milk.
He's looking for something a little more...
This is lie. Putin will never go to homo milk.
Oh, he's going homo, all right.
He's completely gay for it.
And pretty soon, all the rest of Russia will be, too.
I don't believe. There are no gays in Russia.
[Laughter]
I know, right? What a douche.
Okay. Don't believe.
And don't believe there's a Federation tank
right behind that stage ready to tear this entire operation down.
- Did you say tank? - No.
Vlad loves my milk.
Okay.
Suit yourself.
Boys!
[Rumbling in distance]
No tank. There's a tank.
It's just a Russian tank, so it's slow.
There is no tank.
[Laughs]
There is no tank. [Laughs]
There is no tank!
- There's a tank! There's a tank! - [Audience gasps]
Everybody, run! Run!
♪
That's for my Taurus!
[Screaming]
Jesus.
[Screaming]
♪
Yeah?
I think we're finally out.
♪
Aah!
♪
It's a good time to get out of here.
You still want to split?
Given a choice between the lesser of two evils,
I think I'm gonna stick with shitty parents.
Okay. Suit yourself.
See ya!
♪
[Clears throat]
Hi. [Laughs]
I still want to marry you.
[Laughs] Just kidding!
She's funny. I told you.
Hmm? Hmm? _
- What'd she say? - I don't know. I don't speak Russian.
♪
_
♪ How lucky can one guy be? ♪
♪ I kissed her, and she kissed me ♪
- You have 50 new messages. - [ Beep]
Robin: Hey, babe. Are you still coming home tonight?
I haven't heard from you.
If you are, can you pick up milk?
Oh, and bananas.
Natalia: Oh, and tell him to get hot dogs!
I want hot dogs!
Ugh. You-know-who wants hot dogs.
- Dude, I know she pays our rent, but... - [ Beep]
Natalia: I don't know what she told you, but I really want hot dog.
- Robin: I told him that. - [ Speaks Russian]
- [ Beep] - Delilah: Hey, dad. I need 100 bucks.
- Don't ask why. - [ Beep]
Robin: Hey. Me again.
We also need laundry detergent
- and cat food... the wet kind. - [ Beep]
Jared: Hey, Dad. If Delilah's getting 100 bucks, I want 100...
- [ Beep] - Edie: Hey, it's Edie.
Listen, I know we didn't really end on a good note,
- but your son was... - [ Beep]
Robin: Hey, it's me again. Your machine cut me off.
- Machine. [ Chuckles] - [ Beep]
Vanessa: Hey, dumb ass, it's Vanessa. Call me. It's impo...
Man: Hey, it's me.
Looks like you finally made it to the beach, huh?
Listen, I got the package.
Consider us square.
Hey, whatever you do, just don't get in the...
[ Beep]
♪ I go to sleep and keep grinning ♪
♪ If this is just the beginning ♪
♪ My life is gonna be beautiful ♪
♪ She's telling me we'll be wed ♪
♪ She's picked out a king-sized bed ♪
♪ I couldn't feel any better or I'd be sick ♪
♪
♪ Tell me quick ♪
♪ Ain't that a kick in the head ♪
[Rapid gunshots firing]
[Explosion]
Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com