1 00:01:32,625 --> 00:01:35,542 If you are interested in stories with happy endings, 2 00:01:35,625 --> 00:01:38,125 then you would be better off somewhere else. 3 00:01:38,208 --> 00:01:40,250 In this story, not only is there no happy ending, 4 00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:43,667 there is no happy beginning, and very few happy things in the middle. 5 00:01:43,750 --> 00:01:45,125 My name is Lemony Snicket. 6 00:01:45,208 --> 00:01:47,917 It is my solemn duty to bring to light the sorry history 7 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,042 of the Baudelaire children as it happened so many years ago. 8 00:01:51,958 --> 00:01:54,500 But you in the audience have no such obligation, 9 00:01:54,583 --> 00:01:57,875 and I would advise all our viewers to turn away immediately 10 00:01:57,958 --> 00:02:00,125 and watch something more pleasant instead. 11 00:02:12,917 --> 00:02:16,292 This story will be dreadful, melancholy and calamitous, 12 00:02:16,375 --> 00:02:19,375 a word which here means "dreadful and melancholy." 13 00:02:20,375 --> 00:02:22,917 That is because not very many happy things happened 14 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,000 in the lives of the Baudelaires. 15 00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:42,625 Violet, Klaus and Sunny were intelligent children. 16 00:02:42,708 --> 00:02:46,917 Charming and resourceful, they had pleasant facial features, 17 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,292 but they were extremely unlucky. 18 00:02:49,375 --> 00:02:51,625 Most everything that happened to them was rife 19 00:02:51,708 --> 00:02:54,292 with misfortune, misery and despair. 20 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:57,375 I'm sorry to tell you this... 21 00:03:09,208 --> 00:03:11,250 but that's how the story goes. 22 00:03:13,625 --> 00:03:15,000 Briny Beach, please. 23 00:03:15,083 --> 00:03:17,792 The Baudelaire family lived in an enormous mansion 24 00:03:17,875 --> 00:03:19,500 at the heart of a dirty and busy city, 25 00:03:19,583 --> 00:03:22,625 and one day the parents rather unexpectedly asked their children 26 00:03:22,708 --> 00:03:25,583 to take a rickety trolley alone to the seashore. 27 00:03:25,667 --> 00:03:27,875 I wonder why Mother and Father didn't want to come with us. 28 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,833 Maybe they don't like this rickety trolley. 29 00:03:29,917 --> 00:03:31,708 "Rickety" is a word here which means 30 00:03:31,792 --> 00:03:34,708 "unsteady" or "likely to collapse at any moment." 31 00:03:34,792 --> 00:03:37,458 Hey, kids! Aren't you going to the Festive Fun Fair, 32 00:03:37,542 --> 00:03:39,625 with all the jolly rides and games and snacks? 33 00:03:39,708 --> 00:03:40,917 "Festive" means "fun." 34 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,458 We know what "festive" means. 35 00:03:42,542 --> 00:03:45,167 Thank you, but it's a perfect morning to go to the beach. 36 00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:47,792 - It's gray and cloudy. - That's what makes it perfect. 37 00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:48,917 Suit yourself. 38 00:03:51,083 --> 00:03:54,583 When Briny Beach was hot and sunny, the seashore was crowded with tourists 39 00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:57,625 and it was impossible to find a good place to lay one's blanket. 40 00:03:59,208 --> 00:04:02,917 On gray and cloudy days, the Baudelaires had the beach more or less to themselves, 41 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,417 so they could work together on their projects and experiments. 42 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:08,458 - Are you ready? - Let's get to work. 43 00:04:08,542 --> 00:04:10,292 Do you think this will be as good as the mailbox? 44 00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:12,458 I think this will be even better than the mailbox. 45 00:04:12,542 --> 00:04:15,125 Violet Baudelaire was the eldest Baudelaire child. 46 00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:17,333 She was 14 years old, right-handed, 47 00:04:17,417 --> 00:04:20,833 had a real knack for inventing and building unusual devices. 48 00:04:20,917 --> 00:04:23,167 I'm having a problem with the grandfather clock. 49 00:04:23,250 --> 00:04:25,417 Can you show me what the specific issues are? 50 00:04:29,292 --> 00:04:30,417 See? It toasts the bread, 51 00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:32,792 but the minute hand falls behind five minutes. 52 00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:34,917 It could be a problem with the gears. 53 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,375 That'd be disappointing. I made them myself. 54 00:04:38,042 --> 00:04:40,833 When Violet Baudelaire tied her hair up like that, 55 00:04:40,917 --> 00:04:44,500 it was a sure sign that the pulleys, levers and gears of her inventing mind 56 00:04:44,583 --> 00:04:46,125 were working at top speed. 57 00:04:46,208 --> 00:04:48,667 Klaus, at what angle are the prevailing currents? 58 00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:50,167 The angle of the prevailing currents... 59 00:04:50,250 --> 00:04:53,375 Klaus Baudelaire was the middle child and only boy. 60 00:04:53,458 --> 00:04:55,583 He was a little older than 12 and wore glasses, 61 00:04:55,667 --> 00:04:57,000 which made him look intelligent. 62 00:04:57,083 --> 00:04:58,792 Of course, we still need the right projectile. 63 00:04:58,875 --> 00:05:00,250 He was intelligent. 64 00:05:05,083 --> 00:05:07,958 Violet, I'm not sure I understand this passage of Proust. 65 00:05:08,042 --> 00:05:09,333 Could you read it to me? 66 00:05:09,417 --> 00:05:11,792 "Happiness is beneficial for the body, 67 00:05:11,875 --> 00:05:14,417 but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind." 68 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:15,917 It could be the translation. 69 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,333 Maybe it makes more sense in the original French. 70 00:05:21,208 --> 00:05:23,000 Sunny, do we have the right projectile? 71 00:05:23,083 --> 00:05:25,583 Sunny Baudelaire was an infant, 72 00:05:25,667 --> 00:05:27,542 a word which here means "a person of the age 73 00:05:27,625 --> 00:05:30,375 at which one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks," 74 00:05:30,458 --> 00:05:32,917 so most people had trouble understanding what she was saying. 75 00:05:37,667 --> 00:05:40,208 What Sunny lacked in communication skills, however, 76 00:05:40,292 --> 00:05:44,083 she made up for with the size and sharpness of her four teeth. 77 00:05:57,250 --> 00:05:59,083 That's perfect, Sunny. Thank you. 78 00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:08,667 Excuse me, Violet, but why are you using your left hand? 79 00:06:08,750 --> 00:06:10,375 I'm curious to see if I can skip the rock 80 00:06:10,458 --> 00:06:11,958 as far with my left as I can with my right. 81 00:06:12,042 --> 00:06:13,208 I don't mean to criticize, 82 00:06:13,292 --> 00:06:15,958 but standard scientific method calls for stable systematics. 83 00:06:16,875 --> 00:06:18,667 You should use your standard right-handedness. 84 00:06:18,750 --> 00:06:20,250 That does seem reasonable. 85 00:06:30,583 --> 00:06:32,292 Klaus, what's that thing Einstein said? 86 00:06:32,375 --> 00:06:35,250 "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. 87 00:06:35,333 --> 00:06:37,750 It is the source of all true art and science." 88 00:06:37,833 --> 00:06:39,792 And what's that thing James Brown said? 89 00:06:39,875 --> 00:06:41,833 "I got something that makes me want to shout." 90 00:06:41,917 --> 00:06:44,625 "I've got something that tells me what it's all about." 91 00:07:04,917 --> 00:07:06,708 "I'm super bad!" 92 00:07:06,792 --> 00:07:08,000 It worked. 93 00:07:08,083 --> 00:07:10,542 I never expected otherwise. 94 00:07:11,458 --> 00:07:13,375 Yes, the invention worked. 95 00:07:13,458 --> 00:07:15,333 This would be a perfect time to leave 96 00:07:15,417 --> 00:07:18,625 and pretend the rest of the story was just as happy and successful. 97 00:07:18,708 --> 00:07:20,333 I just wish Mother and Father had seen it. 98 00:07:20,417 --> 00:07:23,125 It's not like them to send us off on our own so unexpectedly. 99 00:07:35,083 --> 00:07:36,708 Certainly, I wish I could go back 100 00:07:36,792 --> 00:07:39,375 and change the history of the Baudelaires at this very moment 101 00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:42,958 rather than the descent into misery, tribulation and... 102 00:07:43,875 --> 00:07:47,583 dire inconvenience which will occur shortly. 103 00:07:50,417 --> 00:07:52,750 It only seems scary because of all the mist. 104 00:07:57,500 --> 00:07:59,125 It's Mr. Poe. 105 00:07:59,208 --> 00:08:01,708 From the bank? What's he doing here? 106 00:08:13,958 --> 00:08:15,458 - How do you do? - How do you do? 107 00:08:16,958 --> 00:08:18,667 Fine, thank you. 108 00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:21,042 It's a nice day. 109 00:08:22,708 --> 00:08:24,042 It is a nice day. 110 00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:26,625 I have some very bad news for you children. 111 00:08:26,708 --> 00:08:29,875 Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. 112 00:08:34,792 --> 00:08:38,292 They perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home. 113 00:08:41,417 --> 00:08:45,667 I'm very, very sorry to have to tell you this... 114 00:08:46,417 --> 00:08:47,750 my dears. 115 00:08:52,458 --> 00:08:53,792 "Perished" means "killed." 116 00:08:53,875 --> 00:08:55,750 We know what "perished" means. 117 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:03,208 Hey. 118 00:09:07,375 --> 00:09:10,833 I have spent months of research and years crying myself to sleep, 119 00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:14,500 trying to discover the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire. 120 00:09:29,208 --> 00:09:33,125 But... all my associates and I have managed to learn 121 00:09:33,208 --> 00:09:35,792 is that neither the official fire department 122 00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:40,125 nor the volunteer fire department arrived in time to stop the blaze. 123 00:09:40,208 --> 00:09:42,625 And within moments, the entire Baudelaire mansion 124 00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:44,167 was engulfed in flames. 125 00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:48,875 It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus and Sunny felt 126 00:09:48,958 --> 00:09:50,583 in the time that followed. 127 00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,792 If you have ever lost somebody very important to you, 128 00:09:52,875 --> 00:09:54,333 then you already know how it feels. 129 00:09:54,417 --> 00:09:58,083 And if you haven't... you cannot possibly imagine it. 130 00:10:17,375 --> 00:10:19,833 I've never been through anything like this myself, 131 00:10:19,917 --> 00:10:21,833 but I can imagine just how you feel. 132 00:10:22,667 --> 00:10:26,042 I did think you'd want to see what remains of your home, 133 00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:29,208 - even though it is... - more or less, um... 134 00:10:29,292 --> 00:10:31,042 It's all gone. 135 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:36,292 I just want to assure you Baudelaires that you have absolutely nothing... 136 00:10:36,375 --> 00:10:37,917 We have absolutely nothing. 137 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,375 ...to worry about. 138 00:10:50,208 --> 00:10:52,750 I am the executor of your parents' estate, 139 00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:57,083 which means I'll be handling all matters concerning everything they left behind. 140 00:10:57,167 --> 00:10:58,583 What did they leave behind? 141 00:10:58,667 --> 00:11:00,958 Financial security. 142 00:11:03,875 --> 00:11:08,083 Your parents left behind an enormous fortune, 143 00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:10,167 which will be yours when Violet comes of age. 144 00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:14,625 Until then, you will be placed with the proper guardian, or guardians, 145 00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:18,875 as decided by myself and my fellow bankers at Mulctuary Money Management. 146 00:11:36,583 --> 00:11:38,250 Say goodbye, Baudelaires. 147 00:11:59,375 --> 00:12:00,708 Goodbye. 148 00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:09,792 Until we've identified your designated guardian, 149 00:12:09,875 --> 00:12:11,542 you'll stay with my family. 150 00:12:11,625 --> 00:12:13,542 That's not so bad, is it, Baudelaires? 151 00:12:13,625 --> 00:12:16,042 I'm sure you'll become fast friends with Edgar and Albert. 152 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:20,375 - It's a raven. - It's a crow! 153 00:12:20,458 --> 00:12:22,250 - It's a raven! - It's a crow! 154 00:12:22,333 --> 00:12:23,708 It's chicken. Boiled chicken. 155 00:12:23,792 --> 00:12:26,458 And we have boiled potatoes and blanched string beans. 156 00:12:26,542 --> 00:12:27,750 What does "blanched" mean? 157 00:12:27,833 --> 00:12:29,667 - It means "boiled." - Nobody asked you. 158 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,167 Now, now, son. 159 00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:34,958 No, my darling, Albert is right. Nobody asked the Baudelaires. 160 00:12:35,042 --> 00:12:36,458 But, honey, look! 161 00:12:36,542 --> 00:12:39,125 Dearest, maybe not in front of the children. 162 00:12:39,208 --> 00:12:41,667 But I thought it would cheer them up, the little Gloomy Guses. 163 00:12:41,750 --> 00:12:45,125 I had my star reporter write an article for the front page 164 00:12:45,208 --> 00:12:46,708 so that everyone will know 165 00:12:46,792 --> 00:12:49,208 your home was destroyed and you're orphans now. 166 00:12:49,292 --> 00:12:50,708 The front page! 167 00:12:50,792 --> 00:12:52,708 Some people wait a lifetime for that. 168 00:12:52,792 --> 00:12:56,458 And darling, look... you're mentioned, too! 169 00:13:01,583 --> 00:13:06,167 "Generosity shown by prominent member of the banking community." 170 00:13:06,250 --> 00:13:08,458 If your bosses at the bank see this, it may spell 171 00:13:08,542 --> 00:13:11,750 P-R-O-M-A-T-I-O-N! 172 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,333 - Promation? - Promotion! 173 00:13:13,417 --> 00:13:15,500 - No, that's not how you spell "promotion." - Promotion. 174 00:13:15,583 --> 00:13:17,958 - P-R-O... P-R-R... - P-R-O-M-A-E-O... 175 00:13:18,042 --> 00:13:19,833 - See? I've been saying it... - Honey, P-R-R... 176 00:13:19,917 --> 00:13:21,000 Listen to what I'm saying... 177 00:13:21,083 --> 00:13:22,667 - I'm sorry. - before you start speaking! 178 00:13:22,750 --> 00:13:25,000 P-R-O... - I don't... feel very hungry. 179 00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:28,500 May we go to our rooms? 180 00:13:28,583 --> 00:13:31,375 "Rooms"? 181 00:13:32,583 --> 00:13:35,625 - Good night, Edgar. - Good night, Albert. 182 00:13:36,875 --> 00:13:39,750 - Good night, Albert. - Good night, Edgar. 183 00:13:41,708 --> 00:13:43,250 And good night, guests. 184 00:13:44,458 --> 00:13:48,375 You must feel terrible, and you must miss your parents very much. 185 00:13:49,250 --> 00:13:50,250 We do. 186 00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:51,417 You do what? 187 00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:53,333 Say it. 188 00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:57,750 We feel terrible, and we miss our parents very much. 189 00:13:59,125 --> 00:14:02,375 That's gonna make a wonderful headline. 190 00:14:09,792 --> 00:14:12,917 Good night, Baudelaires. Remember, our home is your home. 191 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,375 But don't touch anything. 192 00:14:20,833 --> 00:14:21,833 How'd you do it? 193 00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:27,333 Do what? 194 00:14:28,125 --> 00:14:29,500 Set the fire. 195 00:14:40,542 --> 00:14:44,708 In the years since, I've inquired what became of the Brothers Poe. 196 00:14:44,792 --> 00:14:47,333 One followed his father into the world of banking. 197 00:14:47,417 --> 00:14:49,875 The other lives in a cave and talks to sheep. 198 00:14:50,917 --> 00:14:52,833 They each think the other has it better. 199 00:14:53,875 --> 00:14:59,167 I regret to inform you, the Baudelaires' fate was worse. 200 00:15:14,625 --> 00:15:15,917 Chop-chop, Baudelaires! 201 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,917 Now that I've found you a suitable guardian, 202 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:21,292 I'm going to take you to your new home before banking hours begin. 203 00:15:30,250 --> 00:15:32,958 I know you must be nervous about living with a guardian. 204 00:15:33,042 --> 00:15:35,333 I remember how I was when I was your age. 205 00:15:35,417 --> 00:15:36,667 We're all different ages. 206 00:15:36,750 --> 00:15:39,083 Well, I should think at least a fraction of your unhappiness 207 00:15:39,167 --> 00:15:41,458 will turn to excitement when you meet this man. 208 00:15:41,542 --> 00:15:43,917 I know he's certainly very eager to meet you. 209 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:47,500 And he's employed as an actor, so you know his excitement is genuine. 210 00:15:47,583 --> 00:15:50,375 His name is Count Olaf. 211 00:15:50,458 --> 00:15:52,917 - Never heard of him. - He's either... Let's see. What is it? 212 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:56,875 Your third cousin fourth time removed, or your fourth cousin three times removed. 213 00:15:56,958 --> 00:15:58,250 In any case, he's removed. 214 00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:01,750 Still, he's only three miles away, and your parents' will was very specific 215 00:16:01,833 --> 00:16:04,000 about your being raised by your closest living relative. 216 00:16:04,083 --> 00:16:07,083 Does he really think that's what "closest living relative" means? 217 00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,333 - Mr. Poe? - Hmm? 218 00:16:08,417 --> 00:16:09,875 If he lives so close by, 219 00:16:09,958 --> 00:16:11,875 why didn't our parents ever invite him over? 220 00:16:11,958 --> 00:16:13,917 Possibly because he was very busy. 221 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,292 As a banker, I'm often very busy myself. 222 00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:20,417 Which is why this guardian drop-off is going to be a bit hasty. 223 00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:22,625 "Hasty" means "quickly," because I'm due at the bank soon. 224 00:16:22,708 --> 00:16:24,792 We know what "hasty" means. 225 00:16:31,708 --> 00:16:35,375 Hello there! Salutations! Shalom! 226 00:16:35,458 --> 00:16:38,333 You must be the Baudelaire children! 227 00:16:38,417 --> 00:16:39,917 Yes, I'm Violet Baudelaire, 228 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,292 and this is my brother, Klaus, and this is my sister, Sunny. 229 00:16:42,375 --> 00:16:45,083 And this is Mr. Poe. He's been arranging things for us. 230 00:16:45,167 --> 00:16:48,333 Mulctuary Money Management. My name and title are on the card. 231 00:16:48,417 --> 00:16:51,875 Although I may be in line for a promotion, so that might change. 232 00:16:51,958 --> 00:16:54,458 Oh, well, I am Justice Strauss of the High Court. 233 00:16:54,542 --> 00:16:56,500 Forgive my not shaking hands, but as you can see, 234 00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:58,042 I am a mountain of parcels. 235 00:16:58,125 --> 00:17:01,167 I just bought a new toolkit because my food processor broke. 236 00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:03,042 Although I don't know who I think I'm kidding, 237 00:17:03,125 --> 00:17:06,625 because I have no inventive or mechanical skill whatsoever. 238 00:17:06,708 --> 00:17:10,542 Then I treated myself to new file cards for my private library, 239 00:17:10,625 --> 00:17:13,292 and frankly I don't have an acute literary sense. 240 00:17:13,375 --> 00:17:18,250 And then, to top it all off, I forgot to buy a new bread knife. 241 00:17:18,333 --> 00:17:20,750 It means I have no possible way of cutting up this baguette 242 00:17:20,833 --> 00:17:22,292 into bite-sized pieces, 243 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,167 which is really unfortunate 244 00:17:24,250 --> 00:17:26,958 because I was gonna take the bread that was cut up 245 00:17:27,042 --> 00:17:28,792 with a white bean hummus... 246 00:17:28,875 --> 00:17:31,417 We'd be more than happy to be of assistance, Justice Strauss. 247 00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:36,500 My sister is very mechanically minded, and I'm quite adept at library science. 248 00:17:39,208 --> 00:17:42,292 What my sister means is her teeth are perfect for slicing bread. 249 00:17:42,375 --> 00:17:45,417 Well, how wonderful! 250 00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:49,792 How lucky am I to have such unusual children in my life? 251 00:17:49,875 --> 00:17:51,167 Are you Count Olaf's wife? 252 00:17:51,250 --> 00:17:52,375 What? 253 00:17:52,458 --> 00:17:54,542 Oh! Oh, no! 254 00:17:54,625 --> 00:17:57,083 No. No. Goodness me, no. 255 00:17:57,167 --> 00:17:59,458 No, I don't even really know him that well. 256 00:17:59,542 --> 00:18:01,292 He's... he's just my neighbor. 257 00:18:01,375 --> 00:18:03,833 His house is over there. 258 00:18:29,833 --> 00:18:31,125 That's strange. 259 00:18:31,833 --> 00:18:35,333 He said specifically he was waiting very eagerly to get his hands on you. 260 00:18:39,458 --> 00:18:40,500 Oh. 261 00:18:48,875 --> 00:18:50,792 Hello. No. 262 00:18:50,875 --> 00:18:52,375 Hello. 263 00:18:52,458 --> 00:18:53,917 Hello, hello, hello. 264 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,250 Hello. Hello. 265 00:19:03,875 --> 00:19:07,500 Hello, hello, hello, children. 266 00:19:14,167 --> 00:19:20,583 I am Count Olaf, the renowned actor and your new guardian. 267 00:19:23,708 --> 00:19:24,708 You're welcome. 268 00:19:25,833 --> 00:19:26,875 Thank you. 269 00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:28,292 You're welcome. 270 00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:31,500 Please, come in, and mind you wipe your feet on the mat 271 00:19:31,583 --> 00:19:33,000 so you don't track in any mud. 272 00:19:33,083 --> 00:19:35,417 And don't forget your enormous fortune! 273 00:19:41,750 --> 00:19:45,042 Welcome to my humble home, orphans. 274 00:19:45,917 --> 00:19:47,000 And... 275 00:19:48,250 --> 00:19:50,875 - a man with a hat on. - Poe. 276 00:19:50,958 --> 00:19:53,417 Actually, I'm about to be rather wealthy. So if you'll excuse me... 277 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:56,833 No, we spoke on the phone. I'm from Mulctuary Money Management. 278 00:19:56,917 --> 00:19:59,167 Hmm. "Money" sounds familiar, but... 279 00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:00,708 The bank. I'm from the bank. 280 00:20:00,792 --> 00:20:02,708 Ah, yes, the bank. 281 00:20:02,792 --> 00:20:05,458 Well, welcome to my humble home. 282 00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:12,583 It does seem to need a little work. 283 00:20:14,042 --> 00:20:18,375 Well, I realize it's not as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion, 284 00:20:18,458 --> 00:20:20,667 but perhaps, children, with a bit of your money, 285 00:20:20,750 --> 00:20:23,125 we'll be able to fix it up, make it nicer. 286 00:20:23,208 --> 00:20:25,833 Count Olaf, the Baudelaire fortune is not to be used for such matters. 287 00:20:25,917 --> 00:20:28,958 The Baudelaire will is very specific as to how the children are to be raised 288 00:20:29,042 --> 00:20:30,500 in case of an unfortunate event. 289 00:20:30,583 --> 00:20:32,542 Ah, yes, the fire. 290 00:20:32,625 --> 00:20:34,208 They're to be raised by their closest relative. 291 00:20:34,292 --> 00:20:35,333 That is I, Count Olaf. 292 00:20:35,417 --> 00:20:39,250 And every cent of the Baudelaire fortune is locked up until Violet comes of age. 293 00:20:40,417 --> 00:20:42,583 - Which one is Violet? - The eldest. 294 00:20:44,333 --> 00:20:47,042 All right, then. 295 00:20:47,125 --> 00:20:51,208 Well, I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had. 296 00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:52,333 We had a father. 297 00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:54,958 Yes, I know. And a mother. 298 00:20:55,042 --> 00:20:57,083 Remarkable woman. Flammable. 299 00:20:58,708 --> 00:21:01,708 So, Poe, do I need to sign for them or something? 300 00:21:01,792 --> 00:21:03,333 What? No. No. 301 00:21:03,417 --> 00:21:08,375 Well, then, as we say in the theater, exit stage right. 302 00:21:08,458 --> 00:21:11,292 Goodbye, Violet. Goodbye, Klaus. Goodbye, Sunny. 303 00:21:11,375 --> 00:21:14,208 I hope you'll be happy here. I'll still check in on you occasionally. 304 00:21:14,292 --> 00:21:17,250 If you need anything or have questions, you can reach me at the bank. 305 00:21:24,625 --> 00:21:28,042 Well, children, before I give you a tour of your new home, 306 00:21:28,125 --> 00:21:30,458 aren't you going to say "How do you do?" 307 00:21:30,542 --> 00:21:32,167 to your new guardian? 308 00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:34,042 How do you do? 309 00:21:36,292 --> 00:21:37,833 How do I do? 310 00:21:40,417 --> 00:21:44,917 Better and better, Baudelaires. 311 00:21:45,833 --> 00:21:49,417 Better and better. 312 00:21:50,875 --> 00:21:53,125 The dreadful villainy of this vile fiend 313 00:21:53,208 --> 00:21:56,750 has haunted me since I first met him as a young man. 314 00:21:56,833 --> 00:21:59,708 And every night when I continue my work on the Baudelaire case, 315 00:21:59,792 --> 00:22:03,833 I find myself weeping thinking of his utter wickedness 316 00:22:03,917 --> 00:22:06,667 and severe lack of theatrical talent. 317 00:22:08,958 --> 00:22:11,583 - Do you know what this is? - It looks like a list. 318 00:22:11,667 --> 00:22:14,917 Wrong! It's a list. A list of chores. 319 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,000 Rich brats like you are probably spoiled rotten 320 00:22:17,083 --> 00:22:18,792 and have never done a chore in your life. 321 00:22:18,875 --> 00:22:20,917 Actually, we often help around the house. 322 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,167 Really? Did you help around the house? That's great. 323 00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:25,667 Well, welcome to your lucky life. 324 00:22:25,750 --> 00:22:29,458 Come with me, and I'll show you the delightful features of your home. 325 00:22:34,583 --> 00:22:38,000 This is the kitchen, where you may help yourselves to meals. 326 00:22:38,083 --> 00:22:41,583 I expect you to keep everything gleamingly clean. 327 00:22:41,667 --> 00:22:42,958 "Gleamingly"? 328 00:22:43,583 --> 00:22:45,292 Clean. 329 00:22:45,375 --> 00:22:47,250 The stove is a bit like a servant. 330 00:22:47,333 --> 00:22:49,208 You have to whack it sometimes... 331 00:22:49,292 --> 00:22:50,500 to get it to work. 332 00:22:54,542 --> 00:22:58,083 This is the library, which you will keep well-dusted. 333 00:22:58,167 --> 00:22:59,833 This is where I do all my reading. 334 00:23:07,250 --> 00:23:09,042 I don't use the ballroom at all. 335 00:23:09,125 --> 00:23:10,875 You'll have to redo the floors. 336 00:23:13,042 --> 00:23:17,250 Laundry room. You can hang my underwear on that rack when you're done washing it. 337 00:23:20,958 --> 00:23:24,083 This is the backyard, which needs weeding, mowing and pruning. 338 00:23:24,167 --> 00:23:26,083 It is also where you will chop wood. 339 00:23:32,542 --> 00:23:35,833 Bathroom number seven, the only one you are allowed to use. 340 00:23:35,917 --> 00:23:37,542 It has all the usual amenities, 341 00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:39,500 though the management regrets to inform you 342 00:23:39,583 --> 00:23:41,583 that the shampoo is not tear-free. 343 00:23:41,667 --> 00:23:43,708 If anything, it encourages tears. 344 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:47,625 Rats bite. 345 00:23:49,958 --> 00:23:52,875 And this is where you will sleep, orphans. 346 00:23:54,750 --> 00:23:58,083 Out of all the numerous bedrooms in this enormous mansion, 347 00:23:58,167 --> 00:24:00,958 I have chose this one for your safety and comfort. 348 00:24:01,042 --> 00:24:02,250 There's only one bed. 349 00:24:02,917 --> 00:24:06,292 As you can see, I have provided, at no cost to you, 350 00:24:06,375 --> 00:24:08,917 this complimentary pile of rocks. 351 00:24:20,042 --> 00:24:21,042 Thoughts? 352 00:24:21,917 --> 00:24:23,792 Thoughts? First of all... 353 00:24:23,875 --> 00:24:27,125 First of all, first impressions are often wrong. 354 00:24:27,208 --> 00:24:28,708 Very true. 355 00:24:28,792 --> 00:24:33,000 For example, your first impression of me may be that I am a terrible person. 356 00:24:33,083 --> 00:24:37,583 But in time, Baudelaires, I hope you'll come to realize... 357 00:24:40,333 --> 00:24:44,750 you haven't the faintest idea. 358 00:24:50,417 --> 00:24:52,208 I'll give you a moment to unpack. 359 00:24:58,750 --> 00:25:00,458 It's okay, Sunny, he's gone. 360 00:25:01,375 --> 00:25:02,458 He's horrible. 361 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,375 Did you see the tattoo on his ankle? 362 00:25:04,458 --> 00:25:06,583 A tattoo is just a decorative pigment on skin. 363 00:25:06,667 --> 00:25:08,792 It's not a sign of a wicked person. 364 00:25:08,875 --> 00:25:11,625 Unless it's on a wicked person. 365 00:25:12,292 --> 00:25:14,208 How could our parents put us here? 366 00:25:14,292 --> 00:25:17,042 It's just a mistake. It'll get sorted out. 367 00:25:17,125 --> 00:25:20,833 Until then, we'll make this our home. 368 00:25:21,417 --> 00:25:23,875 Mother used to say, "Home is where you hang your hat." 369 00:25:24,792 --> 00:25:26,333 But we don't have any hats. 370 00:25:27,167 --> 00:25:28,167 Just rocks. 371 00:25:28,708 --> 00:25:33,250 Klaus, have you read any books on people who make homes in difficult places? 372 00:25:33,833 --> 00:25:35,500 There's a village in the Pacific Islands 373 00:25:35,583 --> 00:25:37,750 suspended on ropes above an active volcano. 374 00:25:38,667 --> 00:25:40,000 How do they manage? 375 00:25:40,708 --> 00:25:43,458 They own very little in case it erupts. 376 00:25:43,542 --> 00:25:45,667 Then we're already one step ahead. 377 00:25:46,208 --> 00:25:48,083 We own nothing. 378 00:25:49,208 --> 00:25:52,667 If they can survive that, we can survive Count Olaf. 379 00:25:56,542 --> 00:25:57,792 Showtime! 380 00:26:00,417 --> 00:26:05,125 Remember, if you work extra hard, you get to go to the ball... room... 381 00:26:05,208 --> 00:26:06,792 which is even grimier. 382 00:26:07,667 --> 00:26:09,167 Hang on to your toothbrushes. 383 00:26:09,250 --> 00:26:11,042 You'll need them for your teeth. 384 00:26:11,125 --> 00:26:14,583 Stay here. And not a peep. 385 00:26:21,750 --> 00:26:23,500 You're a little old for a Girl Scout. 386 00:26:23,583 --> 00:26:25,292 I'm Justice Strauss. 387 00:26:25,958 --> 00:26:26,875 Doesn't ring a bell. 388 00:26:26,958 --> 00:26:29,500 I'm your neighbor. I... I live across the street. 389 00:26:30,167 --> 00:26:31,667 You've done something different to your hair. 390 00:26:31,750 --> 00:26:32,792 May I come in? 391 00:26:32,875 --> 00:26:33,958 Is this about the children? 392 00:26:34,042 --> 00:26:37,250 I apologize for the noise. I told them to cry using their inside voices. 393 00:26:37,333 --> 00:26:38,542 - What? - Hmm? 394 00:26:39,292 --> 00:26:42,042 I... I just thought I'd stop by and see how they're doing. 395 00:26:42,125 --> 00:26:45,333 I know it's a little soon, but I'm about to become very busy 396 00:26:45,417 --> 00:26:47,250 with a difficult case in High Court. 397 00:26:47,333 --> 00:26:49,208 I'm not supposed to talk about it, 398 00:26:49,292 --> 00:26:54,708 but I can tell you that it involved an illegal use of someone's credit card... 399 00:26:54,792 --> 00:26:56,458 and a poisonous plant. 400 00:26:58,250 --> 00:27:00,167 I made them this lamb. 401 00:27:03,875 --> 00:27:05,542 How neighborly. 402 00:27:06,542 --> 00:27:09,125 I don't mean to seem like a lonely woman 403 00:27:09,208 --> 00:27:12,292 who's overinvested in the lives of someone else's children... 404 00:27:12,375 --> 00:27:13,875 You do have that aura. 405 00:27:14,542 --> 00:27:16,792 Perhaps if I just pop in for a quick hello... 406 00:27:16,875 --> 00:27:19,750 - Now is not a good time. - They're in one of their moods. 407 00:27:19,833 --> 00:27:21,250 They seemed so sweet. 408 00:27:21,333 --> 00:27:23,833 Do you have children, Justice Strauss? 409 00:27:23,917 --> 00:27:25,167 Me? 410 00:27:25,250 --> 00:27:26,792 Oh, no. No. 411 00:27:26,875 --> 00:27:30,958 No, I always hoped I would, but I'm married to the law, 412 00:27:31,042 --> 00:27:34,625 and you can't very well have book babies... 413 00:27:35,625 --> 00:27:37,167 now, can you? 414 00:27:38,500 --> 00:27:40,000 Well, you dodged a bullet. 415 00:27:40,083 --> 00:27:42,833 Let me tell you, those children are monsters. 416 00:27:43,417 --> 00:27:46,708 I open my home to them, and all they do is complain. 417 00:27:46,792 --> 00:27:48,625 "The bathroom is filthy. 418 00:27:48,708 --> 00:27:51,708 The rat is noisy. The bed is cramped." 419 00:27:51,792 --> 00:27:54,250 I think living in a mansion has spoiled them. 420 00:27:54,333 --> 00:27:56,125 Well, they did just lose their... 421 00:27:56,208 --> 00:27:57,458 Did you say "bed"? 422 00:27:57,542 --> 00:28:01,083 I meant "bed" as in "more than one bed," obviously. 423 00:28:01,167 --> 00:28:03,542 The plural of "bed" is... "bed." 424 00:28:03,625 --> 00:28:05,583 Well, I wouldn't know. I live alone. 425 00:28:05,667 --> 00:28:06,917 No kidding. 426 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,917 At least give them the lamb. 427 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,792 I made my own mint jelly and... 428 00:28:12,875 --> 00:28:16,208 Please, just ask them if they'd like to see me. 429 00:28:17,667 --> 00:28:19,583 Fine. 430 00:28:19,667 --> 00:28:23,625 But wait here, for your own safety. They tend to throw things. 431 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:31,208 You missed a spot. 432 00:28:51,167 --> 00:28:52,125 Oh! 433 00:28:52,542 --> 00:28:53,958 They don't want to see you. 434 00:28:54,042 --> 00:28:55,833 Are you sure? What did they say? 435 00:28:55,917 --> 00:28:57,958 "The lamb was too salty." 436 00:28:58,042 --> 00:28:59,208 Rich kids. 437 00:29:00,500 --> 00:29:02,958 Oh... I see. 438 00:29:03,667 --> 00:29:06,750 If only Justice Strauss had been able to get past Count Olaf, 439 00:29:06,833 --> 00:29:09,750 if only she'd seen the children in their horrible circumstances, 440 00:29:09,833 --> 00:29:13,750 if only this world weren't such a wicked and topsy-turvy place... 441 00:29:14,500 --> 00:29:17,042 this story might have turned out differently. 442 00:29:24,500 --> 00:29:27,750 I never wanna use a toothbrush again. 443 00:29:29,333 --> 00:29:31,833 Why aren't you cleaning? My list was very specific. 444 00:29:31,917 --> 00:29:33,250 We finished it. 445 00:29:38,042 --> 00:29:39,083 No, you didn't. 446 00:29:40,333 --> 00:29:41,667 We even washed your underwear. 447 00:29:42,750 --> 00:29:44,333 You missed one. 448 00:29:44,417 --> 00:29:48,333 You still have to prepare a large meal for myself and my theater troupe. 449 00:29:48,417 --> 00:29:50,667 We don't know how to prepare a large dinner. 450 00:29:51,833 --> 00:29:53,958 Plan the menu, purchase the ingredients, 451 00:29:54,042 --> 00:29:58,167 prepare the food, set the table, serve dinner, clean up afterward, 452 00:29:58,250 --> 00:29:59,667 and stay out of our way. 453 00:29:59,750 --> 00:30:01,750 How can we purchase anything? We don't have any money. 454 00:30:06,917 --> 00:30:07,917 Do you know what that is? 455 00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:10,292 - Something greasy. - Money. 456 00:30:10,375 --> 00:30:12,500 Hard-earned money. 457 00:30:12,583 --> 00:30:17,083 The most important substance on earth besides applause and lip balm. 458 00:30:17,167 --> 00:30:21,167 Since the bossy banker won't let us use any of your parents' enormous fortune, 459 00:30:21,250 --> 00:30:24,917 I am now forced to cough up my own earnings 460 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:28,292 from theatrical performances and the occasional bit of consulting work. 461 00:30:28,375 --> 00:30:31,083 Now... quick. Get a move on. 462 00:30:31,167 --> 00:30:32,667 The troupe will be here at 7:00. 463 00:30:32,750 --> 00:30:34,708 And in the meantime, I will be up in... 464 00:30:35,417 --> 00:30:36,250 Can you guess? 465 00:30:36,333 --> 00:30:37,583 Your secret tower room? 466 00:30:37,667 --> 00:30:40,542 Wrong! My secret tower room. 467 00:30:40,625 --> 00:30:43,708 Which you are forbidden to go into. Understood? Forbidden! 468 00:30:43,792 --> 00:30:46,125 - Forbidden. - That's... Yes. 469 00:30:53,333 --> 00:30:56,333 How are we supposed to make dinner for an entire theater troupe? 470 00:30:56,833 --> 00:30:58,167 We start with a recipe. 471 00:30:58,250 --> 00:31:00,708 Do you think Justice Strauss' library has any cookbooks? 472 00:31:17,458 --> 00:31:21,000 Baudelaires. I wasn't expecting to see you. 473 00:31:21,083 --> 00:31:23,167 We meant to come sooner. We've been cleaning. 474 00:31:23,250 --> 00:31:26,375 Yes, Count Olaf told me you were very particular about that. 475 00:31:26,458 --> 00:31:28,875 I hope you appreciate how much he's doing for you. 476 00:31:28,958 --> 00:31:31,625 I wouldn't say "much." 477 00:31:31,708 --> 00:31:35,167 Well, perhaps not compared to what you're used to. 478 00:31:35,250 --> 00:31:36,542 What can I do for you? 479 00:31:36,625 --> 00:31:39,125 Actually, Justice Strauss, we really need your help. 480 00:31:39,208 --> 00:31:40,250 You do? 481 00:31:40,875 --> 00:31:42,625 My sisters and I were wondering... 482 00:31:43,542 --> 00:31:45,250 Wondering what? 483 00:31:45,333 --> 00:31:47,208 If we might use your library. 484 00:31:47,292 --> 00:31:50,042 If you might use my library. 485 00:31:52,667 --> 00:31:55,500 Is there any book you're looking for in particular? 486 00:31:56,083 --> 00:31:58,333 A cookbook, so we can make dinner. 487 00:31:58,417 --> 00:32:00,417 I suppose anything but lamb. 488 00:32:00,500 --> 00:32:04,500 Well, my private library is open to you whenever you'd like. 489 00:32:04,583 --> 00:32:07,500 It's mostly law books, but there are sections on everything 490 00:32:07,583 --> 00:32:11,500 from Italian cuisine to the world's most threatening fungus. 491 00:32:20,042 --> 00:32:24,708 I suppose it's not as nice as the libraries you're used to, but... 492 00:32:24,792 --> 00:32:26,542 - It's marvelous. - It's wonderful. 493 00:32:26,625 --> 00:32:28,250 Do you really think so? 494 00:32:28,333 --> 00:32:30,458 That means she likes it. 495 00:32:30,542 --> 00:32:32,542 Well, I'm so glad. 496 00:32:32,625 --> 00:32:36,083 The cookbooks are over there in Section G, 497 00:32:36,167 --> 00:32:40,167 and right here is my favorite table for serious research. 498 00:32:40,917 --> 00:32:43,583 Do you have a paper and pencil to take notes? 499 00:32:43,667 --> 00:32:44,917 Always. 500 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:47,833 - What's that? - It's something my parents had. 501 00:32:47,917 --> 00:32:49,583 - What is it? - I don't know. 502 00:32:51,625 --> 00:32:52,667 Hmm. 503 00:32:56,125 --> 00:33:00,583 Something, Klaus Baudelaire, is ringing a very faint bell. 504 00:33:00,667 --> 00:33:06,083 A library is like an island in a vast sea of ignorance. 505 00:33:06,167 --> 00:33:07,250 Don't you agree? 506 00:33:07,333 --> 00:33:12,167 I do. Particularly if the library is tall and the surrounded area has been flooded. 507 00:33:12,250 --> 00:33:13,583 That's a very good point. 508 00:33:13,667 --> 00:33:15,000 These books look promising. 509 00:33:15,083 --> 00:33:18,542 Klaus, help your sister. Let me see what I can find here. 510 00:33:19,625 --> 00:33:21,667 I think I found something. Pasta puttanesca. 511 00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:23,250 I wonder what that means in Italian. 512 00:33:23,333 --> 00:33:25,667 All we have to do is saute garlics and onions in a pot, 513 00:33:25,750 --> 00:33:29,583 and then add olives, capers, anchovies, diced parsley and tomatoes to simmer. 514 00:33:29,667 --> 00:33:30,833 We still need the pasta. 515 00:33:31,750 --> 00:33:34,208 I saw a pasta machine in Count Olaf's kitchen. 516 00:33:34,292 --> 00:33:36,792 - Looked broken, but I think I can fix it. - What do we have here? 517 00:33:36,875 --> 00:33:37,875 Justice Strauss? 518 00:33:37,958 --> 00:33:40,000 - Yes? - Is there a supermarket nearby? 519 00:33:40,083 --> 00:33:42,667 Oh... no. 520 00:33:42,750 --> 00:33:47,542 But there is a local open-air market and gin distillery. 521 00:33:53,542 --> 00:33:55,292 Thanks again for taking us. 522 00:33:55,375 --> 00:33:57,208 I don't know what we would have done without you. 523 00:33:57,292 --> 00:33:59,000 Oh, you're resourceful children. 524 00:33:59,083 --> 00:34:01,375 I daresay you would have thought of something. 525 00:34:01,917 --> 00:34:04,042 I think it's nice that you're cooking dinner 526 00:34:04,125 --> 00:34:07,208 for Count Olaf and your new theatrical family. 527 00:34:07,292 --> 00:34:10,167 I had dreams of becoming an actress, you know. 528 00:34:10,250 --> 00:34:13,417 An actress and a mother, instead of ending up 529 00:34:13,500 --> 00:34:16,208 as a world-renowned member of the judiciary... 530 00:34:16,292 --> 00:34:20,875 and in a series of strained, platonic relationships. 531 00:34:31,750 --> 00:34:33,167 Baudelaires? 532 00:34:33,875 --> 00:34:37,750 I always find cooking for family to be something of a mitzvah. 533 00:34:37,833 --> 00:34:39,000 Do you know what that means? 534 00:34:39,083 --> 00:34:40,583 - Commandment? - Blessing. 535 00:34:41,625 --> 00:34:44,917 You children have had such sorrow in your lives already, 536 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:49,667 you deserve the blessing of a new family with Count Olaf, 537 00:34:49,750 --> 00:34:52,417 and, if you don't mind my saying so... 538 00:34:53,625 --> 00:34:54,458 with me. 539 00:34:54,542 --> 00:34:57,542 We don't mind your saying so. 540 00:35:13,500 --> 00:35:15,875 Klaus, what's that thing James Brown said? 541 00:35:16,583 --> 00:35:17,750 "I feel good." 542 00:35:17,833 --> 00:35:20,208 And a one, and a two, and a... 543 00:35:21,458 --> 00:35:24,250 It's the count, it's the count It's the count 544 00:35:24,333 --> 00:35:27,833 It's the count, it's the count It's the count 545 00:35:27,917 --> 00:35:31,083 Who else has such robust good looks In such a large amount? 546 00:35:31,167 --> 00:35:35,750 I'm handsome and I'm talented And love your bank account 547 00:35:35,833 --> 00:35:38,875 It's the count, it's the count It's the count 548 00:35:38,958 --> 00:35:42,375 It's the count, it's the count It's the count 549 00:35:42,458 --> 00:35:45,583 The "C" is for courageous Just another word for brave 550 00:35:45,667 --> 00:35:47,208 - O! - Oh, my God 551 00:35:47,292 --> 00:35:48,875 What a very handsome knave 552 00:35:48,958 --> 00:35:51,000 - U! - Unbelievable good looks 553 00:35:51,083 --> 00:35:52,333 And brains and heart 554 00:35:52,417 --> 00:35:53,667 - N! - For the knowledge 555 00:35:53,750 --> 00:35:55,583 'Cause I'm very, very smart 556 00:35:55,667 --> 00:35:56,875 - T! - For the talent 557 00:35:56,958 --> 00:35:58,458 Which is such a crucial factor 558 00:35:58,542 --> 00:35:59,958 When you're handsome and good-looking 559 00:36:00,042 --> 00:36:02,250 And the world's greatest actor 560 00:36:02,333 --> 00:36:04,917 It's the count, it's the count It's the count 561 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:08,500 It's the count, it's the count It's the count 562 00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:11,625 Who else has such robust good looks In such a large amount? 563 00:36:11,708 --> 00:36:17,500 I'm handsome and I'm talented And love your bank account 564 00:36:19,583 --> 00:36:22,750 It's the count, it's the count It's the count 565 00:36:22,833 --> 00:36:26,792 It's the count, it's the count 566 00:36:26,875 --> 00:36:32,708 It's the count 567 00:36:38,500 --> 00:36:41,000 The count 568 00:36:42,583 --> 00:36:44,375 Yes, we've met. 569 00:36:50,250 --> 00:36:51,708 Orphans... 570 00:36:51,792 --> 00:36:53,250 this is my theater troupe. 571 00:36:53,333 --> 00:36:54,542 - Hi. - Hi. 572 00:36:54,625 --> 00:36:56,292 - Hi. - Hello. 573 00:36:56,375 --> 00:37:00,333 And as anyone in the theater knows, after a grand entrance, 574 00:37:00,417 --> 00:37:03,042 the audience is supposed to applaud. 575 00:37:03,125 --> 00:37:04,625 "Applaud" means go like this. 576 00:37:05,667 --> 00:37:07,125 We're not an audience. 577 00:37:07,208 --> 00:37:11,042 No, orphans, you are not. 578 00:37:11,125 --> 00:37:15,167 But we have been preparing an exciting new production 579 00:37:15,250 --> 00:37:18,250 that, on opening night, will change your life. 580 00:37:18,333 --> 00:37:23,042 All of the artistic and financial aspects of my career are finally coming together 581 00:37:23,125 --> 00:37:26,708 like two pieces of a bread in the middle of a sandwich. 582 00:37:29,750 --> 00:37:31,292 What my sister means is that... 583 00:37:31,375 --> 00:37:32,667 I don't care what she means. 584 00:37:32,750 --> 00:37:34,542 I don't have time to learn a second language 585 00:37:34,625 --> 00:37:36,750 besides whatever it is I'm speaking right now. 586 00:37:36,833 --> 00:37:40,833 In any case, we demand congratulations. 587 00:37:42,500 --> 00:37:44,208 Congratulations. 588 00:37:45,708 --> 00:37:47,167 A big round of applause. 589 00:37:50,708 --> 00:37:54,250 And the delicious meal that you promised myself and my troupe. 590 00:37:56,875 --> 00:37:58,583 You know, every time she talks, 591 00:37:58,667 --> 00:38:01,708 it's like the tines of a fork are being jammed into my... 592 00:38:01,792 --> 00:38:03,708 What my sister means is, dinner will be served shortly. 593 00:38:03,792 --> 00:38:05,083 What are we supposed to do until then? 594 00:38:05,167 --> 00:38:08,417 - We could wait patiently. - How about some wine, Olaf? 595 00:38:08,500 --> 00:38:10,625 Yes, yes, wine. We had that nice rose last time. 596 00:38:10,708 --> 00:38:12,750 It wasn't rose, it was just watered down. 597 00:38:13,292 --> 00:38:15,875 Okay, fine. I'll open up a box of the Merlote. 598 00:38:25,833 --> 00:38:29,375 An associate of mine named Brillat-Savarin famously said, 599 00:38:29,458 --> 00:38:33,375 "To invite people to dine with us is to make ourselves responsible 600 00:38:33,458 --> 00:38:36,167 for their well-being as long as they are under our roofs." 601 00:38:36,875 --> 00:38:39,833 But he was an 18th century philosopher and gourmand... 602 00:38:41,167 --> 00:38:44,583 and these were three children with very little catering experience. 603 00:38:49,958 --> 00:38:53,583 Nevertheless, the Baudelaire orphans snapped into action. 604 00:38:53,667 --> 00:38:57,042 This pasta maker reminds me of the one built by Thomas Jefferson. 605 00:38:57,125 --> 00:38:58,125 Will it work? 606 00:38:59,333 --> 00:39:01,250 It will now. 607 00:39:01,333 --> 00:39:03,542 I wonder if Count Olaf's troupe will enjoy this meal. 608 00:39:03,625 --> 00:39:05,750 Mother said that actors will eat anything. 609 00:39:06,208 --> 00:39:08,875 You've seen them perform. Would you call them actors? 610 00:39:08,958 --> 00:39:11,250 They're all as talented as Count Olaf. 611 00:39:11,333 --> 00:39:13,125 While they waited for the pasta to boil, 612 00:39:13,208 --> 00:39:16,000 Violet sauteed the garlic, and washed and chopped the anchovies. 613 00:39:16,083 --> 00:39:18,583 Klaus peeled the tomatoes and pitted the olives. 614 00:39:18,667 --> 00:39:20,292 And Sunny banged on a pot with a wooden spoon, 615 00:39:20,375 --> 00:39:23,458 singing a rather repetitive song she had written herself. 616 00:39:26,375 --> 00:39:28,458 By the time it was time for the youngest Baudelaire 617 00:39:28,542 --> 00:39:30,125 to chop the parsley with her teeth... 618 00:39:32,708 --> 00:39:35,792 all three children felt less miserable than they had... 619 00:39:36,292 --> 00:39:38,625 since they first came to Count Olaf's. 620 00:39:38,708 --> 00:39:40,958 I think Dad would be proud of this sauce. 621 00:39:41,042 --> 00:39:43,083 And I think Mom would be proud of how you made your own pasta. 622 00:39:44,583 --> 00:39:47,542 Maybe we can make this our home after all. 623 00:39:48,458 --> 00:39:51,042 Remember what Father said when he burnt the quesadillas? 624 00:39:51,125 --> 00:39:52,167 Yeah. 625 00:39:53,292 --> 00:39:54,375 "Better than nothing." 626 00:39:58,583 --> 00:40:03,042 At times like these, surrounded by colleagues and cohorts, 627 00:40:03,125 --> 00:40:07,167 gathered in fellowship for the purpose of plotting theater, 628 00:40:07,250 --> 00:40:10,875 there's an eternal question that always springs to mind... 629 00:40:11,833 --> 00:40:14,625 When are we going to eat? 630 00:40:18,958 --> 00:40:20,125 Dinner is served. 631 00:40:20,208 --> 00:40:23,125 - Wow, that was quick. - And it smells delicious. 632 00:40:23,208 --> 00:40:25,500 I mean... 633 00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:31,125 As I was saying, before the help interrupted... 634 00:40:32,750 --> 00:40:35,583 there is no "I" in acting... 635 00:40:36,208 --> 00:40:39,542 no selfish urges, no arrogance, 636 00:40:39,625 --> 00:40:42,333 no ego, no vanity, 637 00:40:42,417 --> 00:40:46,792 no dangerous overabundance of inflated self-regard. 638 00:40:47,708 --> 00:40:52,792 There is only what the French call a certain... "escargot." 639 00:40:52,875 --> 00:40:53,958 Mmm-hmm. 640 00:40:54,042 --> 00:40:58,250 It is the first burst of applause when the curtain rises. 641 00:40:58,333 --> 00:41:01,000 The second burst of applause 642 00:41:01,083 --> 00:41:04,958 when the leading man glides out from the wings, 643 00:41:05,042 --> 00:41:09,458 faces his crowd and recites the... 644 00:41:09,542 --> 00:41:11,250 Soliloquy. 645 00:41:12,833 --> 00:41:16,417 I'm... That's... His soliloquy. 646 00:41:17,333 --> 00:41:21,542 It is the thrill of the 14th mandatory standing ovation. 647 00:41:22,417 --> 00:41:26,042 I give and I give to my public 648 00:41:26,125 --> 00:41:30,458 just as I give and I give to these orphans. 649 00:41:30,542 --> 00:41:33,625 But sometimes, and every actor does this, 650 00:41:33,708 --> 00:41:36,125 I ask myself, "Is it worth it? 651 00:41:36,625 --> 00:41:39,833 Is it really worth it to chase an enormous fortune?" 652 00:41:39,917 --> 00:41:41,250 Boss... 653 00:41:44,042 --> 00:41:45,917 - Where's the roast beef? - What? 654 00:41:48,833 --> 00:41:51,417 The roast beef. 655 00:41:51,500 --> 00:41:55,708 We didn't make any roast beef. We made puttanesca sauce. 656 00:41:55,792 --> 00:41:57,167 And homemade pasta. 657 00:41:57,250 --> 00:41:59,625 What? No roast beef? 658 00:41:59,708 --> 00:42:02,417 You didn't tell us you wanted roast beef. 659 00:42:02,500 --> 00:42:03,958 Look at my guests! 660 00:42:04,042 --> 00:42:07,667 They... they can hardly touch this revolting foreign food. 661 00:42:16,125 --> 00:42:21,958 In agreeing to adopt you, I became your father. 662 00:42:22,042 --> 00:42:27,583 And as your father, I am not someone to be trifled with. 663 00:42:27,667 --> 00:42:30,250 You can't go easy on children. They need to be taught to obey their elders. 664 00:42:30,333 --> 00:42:31,583 You asked them to make dinner. 665 00:42:31,667 --> 00:42:34,083 And all they did was slap together some disgusting sauce. 666 00:42:34,167 --> 00:42:37,833 That's what happens with wealthy kids. Money is really a corrupting influence. 667 00:42:37,917 --> 00:42:39,458 Well, let's not get carried away. 668 00:42:40,125 --> 00:42:42,167 Hmm. You're a pretty little one. 669 00:42:42,250 --> 00:42:46,375 I demand that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests! 670 00:42:46,458 --> 00:42:49,625 We don't have any. We made pasta puttanesca. 671 00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:55,375 - Sunny! - Put her down. 672 00:42:55,458 --> 00:42:58,833 Alas, poor Sunny. 673 00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:02,917 Let her go! 674 00:43:08,667 --> 00:43:10,167 Oh, oh. 675 00:43:19,792 --> 00:43:23,708 This table is a mess. There's hardly a place to put down a baby. 676 00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:27,125 Sunny! 677 00:43:30,958 --> 00:43:32,500 We're leaving for rehearsals. 678 00:43:32,583 --> 00:43:34,000 But the baby said there was chocolate pudding! 679 00:43:34,083 --> 00:43:35,250 Shh. 680 00:43:35,333 --> 00:43:37,833 You children are to clean the table, 681 00:43:37,917 --> 00:43:40,500 and wash the dishes, and polish the silver, 682 00:43:40,583 --> 00:43:42,875 and rinse out all the wine bottles for recycling. 683 00:43:42,958 --> 00:43:44,958 And then you are to go straight to your beds. 684 00:43:45,042 --> 00:43:46,583 You mean our bed? 685 00:43:47,292 --> 00:43:49,333 You've only provided us with one bed. 686 00:43:50,750 --> 00:43:53,083 If you want another bed, 687 00:43:53,167 --> 00:43:56,208 tomorrow you may go into town and purchase one. 688 00:43:56,292 --> 00:43:58,125 You know perfectly well we haven't any money. 689 00:43:58,208 --> 00:44:00,083 Hmm. Of course you do. 690 00:44:00,167 --> 00:44:05,000 You three lucky orphans are inheriting an enormous fortune. 691 00:44:05,083 --> 00:44:07,708 The money our parents left behind is not to be used until Violet... 692 00:44:18,542 --> 00:44:20,250 The theater awaits. 693 00:44:31,208 --> 00:44:33,583 - Are you all right? - No. 694 00:44:34,708 --> 00:44:36,708 - This isn't. - What? 695 00:44:37,958 --> 00:44:40,250 Better than nothing. 696 00:44:53,542 --> 00:44:56,583 There are many, many things that are better than nothing. 697 00:44:56,667 --> 00:44:59,042 A home-cooked meal is better than nothing. 698 00:45:01,208 --> 00:45:03,917 A roof over one's head is better than nothing. 699 00:45:05,750 --> 00:45:06,958 And a place to sleep, 700 00:45:07,042 --> 00:45:10,208 even if the bed is very small and the blanket damp with tears, 701 00:45:10,292 --> 00:45:11,708 is better than nothing. 702 00:45:25,250 --> 00:45:28,250 But being raised in a violent and sinister environment 703 00:45:28,333 --> 00:45:32,417 by a man more interested in one's fortune than comfort and well-being 704 00:45:32,500 --> 00:45:34,167 is not better than nothing. 705 00:45:34,250 --> 00:45:35,917 And as the Baudelaires would discover, 706 00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:39,625 there are some things that even a long night of introspection 707 00:45:39,708 --> 00:45:41,000 cannot change. 708 00:46:08,292 --> 00:46:10,667 The Baudelaire orphans knew they had to find a way 709 00:46:10,750 --> 00:46:13,250 out of their dreadfully unfortunate circumstances, 710 00:46:13,333 --> 00:46:17,333 and, perhaps, solve the mystery of how they ended up in them. 711 00:46:21,250 --> 00:46:24,292 I have the same dedication to researching and presenting this story 712 00:46:24,375 --> 00:46:26,417 no matter what dangers it puts me in. 713 00:46:26,500 --> 00:46:30,042 Trouble and strife can cover this world like the dark of night, 714 00:46:30,125 --> 00:46:32,750 or like smoke from a suspicious fire. 715 00:46:32,833 --> 00:46:34,500 And when that happens... 716 00:46:49,708 --> 00:46:53,417 all good, true and decent people know that it's time to volunteer. 717 00:46:59,917 --> 00:47:03,083 - I'm worried about the children. - Me, too. 718 00:47:03,167 --> 00:47:04,792 They're in danger, I know it. 719 00:47:04,875 --> 00:47:06,542 We need to get to them. 720 00:47:06,625 --> 00:47:08,833 We need to get out of here first. 721 00:47:08,917 --> 00:47:12,500 What's that thing Einstein said?