1 00:00:22,607 --> 00:00:25,583 A toast! To my dad, John Shakespeare, 2 00:00:25,607 --> 00:00:27,223 gentleman at last! 3 00:00:27,247 --> 00:00:31,703 And anyone who says I ain't, I'll whack ‘em on the bum with my heraldic shield! 4 00:00:31,727 --> 00:00:33,823 We've finally got our coat of arms! 5 00:00:33,847 --> 00:00:37,983 I am a pamperloin once more, as I was in the house of my father. 6 00:00:38,007 --> 00:00:41,823 No longer the wife of a grotsome old barfing-hog, 7 00:00:41,847 --> 00:00:44,983 for now I be married to a gentleman. Oh! 8 00:00:45,007 --> 00:00:47,543 I still can't quite believe it. 9 00:00:47,567 --> 00:00:50,903 Chief Herald Greene swore he'd do anything to deny us. 10 00:00:50,927 --> 00:00:55,125 Ah, but that was before the Queen saw my big midsummer donkey-gag play. 11 00:00:56,567 --> 00:00:59,703 She loved it and decreed that only the son of a gentleman 12 00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:03,823 could have writ such wit, and thus has she made me posh. 13 00:01:03,847 --> 00:01:05,823 But, master, you've always railed and ranted 14 00:01:05,847 --> 00:01:09,343 against how the pamperloins and folderols are on top in England 15 00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:11,063 just because they're posh. 16 00:01:11,087 --> 00:01:13,903 Yes, Bottom, but that was before I managed to weasel my way into the club. 17 00:01:13,927 --> 00:01:17,863 Now I'm posh myself, I see the English class system is entirely appropriate, 18 00:01:17,887 --> 00:01:19,823 my own elevation wholly merited 19 00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:23,124 and those beneath me a bunch of feckless, undeserving oiks. 20 00:01:24,647 --> 00:01:26,543 I wish I could have been there to see Greene's face, 21 00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,183 but can't risk going out in public. 22 00:01:28,207 --> 00:01:31,543 Too many knives sharpened, too many musket balls with my name on them. 23 00:01:31,567 --> 00:01:35,383 Really, Kit? I knew you were lying a bit low, but you're in real danger? 24 00:01:35,407 --> 00:01:39,463 Mortal, mate. The whole spy gig's gone completely puffling pants-shaped. 25 00:01:39,487 --> 00:01:42,703 The Crown suspects me of being a double agent. 26 00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:44,103 My own fault. 27 00:01:44,127 --> 00:01:47,063 I keep getting pisslingtoned and forgetting which near-identical branch 28 00:01:47,087 --> 00:01:49,407 of the same religion we're supposed to hunt down and kill. 29 00:01:50,247 --> 00:01:51,663 Well, yes, it is confusing. 30 00:01:51,687 --> 00:01:54,063 Which has not gone down well with the God-prodding pure-titties, 31 00:01:54,087 --> 00:01:55,743 who also accuse me of being an atheist. 32 00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:59,063 I mean, in truth, Will, I'm in so much danger, I'd be better off dead. 33 00:01:59,087 --> 00:02:00,463 Cheers. 34 00:02:01,607 --> 00:02:04,783 Eh up, the girls are back. Sounds like they've had a good time, too. 35 00:02:04,807 --> 00:02:07,943 It was good of Kate to take our Sue out sightseeing. 36 00:02:07,967 --> 00:02:11,383 Well, who better to show her all London's spiritual treasures 37 00:02:11,407 --> 00:02:15,103 than a studious, sober, serious-minded girl like Kate? 38 00:02:15,127 --> 00:02:17,063 Oh, my giggly goodly godlingtons! 39 00:02:17,087 --> 00:02:19,397 We have bought so much craplington! 40 00:02:20,447 --> 00:02:24,343 Look at this brilliant shirting vest, Dad, with a comical motif stitched upon it. 41 00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:29,063 "My friend hath visited London and all I gotteth be this stupid under-shirting." 42 00:02:29,087 --> 00:02:30,663 Isn't it brilliant? 43 00:02:30,687 --> 00:02:33,863 And look at all these sweet London souvenirs. 44 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:37,118 A little severed head of a traitor on a key chain. 45 00:02:38,447 --> 00:02:41,599 A little incinerated Catholic martyr on a key chain. 46 00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:45,983 A little rotting plague corpse on a key chain. 47 00:02:46,007 --> 00:02:50,223 A little country maid who had journeyed here in search of honest work 48 00:02:50,247 --> 00:02:54,103 but within six weeks has become a toothless pox-ridden prostitute 49 00:02:54,127 --> 00:02:55,303 on a key chain. 50 00:02:55,327 --> 00:02:58,343 Thanks very much, Kate. I think we get the gist. 51 00:02:58,367 --> 00:03:01,663 Right, you lot, if you'd like to start packing up, I'm sure Dad's busy. 52 00:03:01,687 --> 00:03:04,983 Yes, wife, 'tis true, I am terribly pushed just now. 53 00:03:05,007 --> 00:03:08,943 Mine sublime big donkey-gag play has been such a smasheroo 54 00:03:08,967 --> 00:03:11,423 that Burbage demands I write another comedy, 55 00:03:11,447 --> 00:03:13,863 yet I have not a comic idea in my head. 56 00:03:13,887 --> 00:03:15,844 That's never stopped you before. 57 00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:19,063 His comedy made you a gentleman. 58 00:03:19,087 --> 00:03:20,783 Now, come on, let's get out of his hair. 59 00:03:20,807 --> 00:03:22,143 Yeah, what there is of it. 60 00:03:22,167 --> 00:03:24,423 Which is, in fact, a lot, daughter. 61 00:03:24,447 --> 00:03:26,863 The impression of thinning is a trick of the light 62 00:03:26,887 --> 00:03:29,543 caused by my unusually shiny scalp. 63 00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:31,063 You're bald, son. 64 00:03:31,087 --> 00:03:32,463 Own it. 65 00:03:32,487 --> 00:03:34,783 I apologise to no man! 66 00:03:34,807 --> 00:03:37,343 Especially now I'm very, very posh 67 00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:41,804 and terribly refined, and quite the thing, don't you know? 68 00:03:43,327 --> 00:03:46,143 Watch out below, don't you know?! 69 00:03:51,487 --> 00:03:54,103 Shakespeare! Shakespeare! 70 00:03:54,127 --> 00:03:56,303 Shakespeare! 71 00:03:56,327 --> 00:04:02,103 That oiksome oaf is ever a thorn in my soft and tender botty-buttocks. 72 00:04:02,127 --> 00:04:05,383 ‘Tis against all natural order that a man of such lowly stock 73 00:04:05,407 --> 00:04:08,263 be permitted to rise to a gentleman's rank. 74 00:04:08,287 --> 00:04:12,463 Ah, this Shakespeare must be destroyed. 75 00:04:12,487 --> 00:04:13,703 But how... 76 00:04:13,727 --> 00:04:19,120 when Gloriana herself hath smiled upon him because of his big donkey-gag play? 77 00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:25,463 Well... If I cannot stop his genius, 78 00:04:25,487 --> 00:04:28,143 then perchance there is a way 79 00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:31,703 to deny him credit for it. 80 00:04:31,727 --> 00:04:34,685 Mm-hm! I begin to see my way. 81 00:04:35,887 --> 00:04:39,063 Mr Shakespeare, confused am I. 82 00:04:39,087 --> 00:04:41,303 You say you have no ideas for a comedy, 83 00:04:41,327 --> 00:04:44,503 and yet I know you have been hard at work at one for ages. 84 00:04:44,527 --> 00:04:49,583 And from what you've read us, I believe it will be your greatest gag-fest yet. 85 00:04:49,607 --> 00:04:51,863 Comedy, child? I've writ no new comedy. 86 00:04:51,887 --> 00:04:54,623 Yes, you have. The one you keep telling us about. 87 00:04:54,647 --> 00:04:56,240 The one about the Prince of Denmark. 88 00:04:58,527 --> 00:04:59,583 You mean Hamlet? 89 00:04:59,607 --> 00:05:02,183 Hilarious central character! 90 00:05:02,207 --> 00:05:03,423 Pure genius. 91 00:05:03,447 --> 00:05:06,583 A grumpy, whiny, self-important student 92 00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:10,503 who does up absolutely zero coursework and will not get over himself! 93 00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:12,343 I just love it! 94 00:05:12,367 --> 00:05:14,943 Get a job, you useless bastable. 95 00:05:14,967 --> 00:05:18,263 He's like, "I'm a prince and I live in a castle, and I'm really, really rich, 96 00:05:18,287 --> 00:05:20,463 "but I'm also really, really sad." 97 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:23,463 "I've got parent issues, and nobody understands me, 98 00:05:23,487 --> 00:05:27,063 "and I'm just, like, questioning the whole point of my existence!" 99 00:05:27,087 --> 00:05:29,503 - "I think I might kill myself!" - "Except maybe I won't." 100 00:05:29,527 --> 00:05:31,503 - "Maybe I will." - "Maybe I won't." 101 00:05:31,527 --> 00:05:32,583 "Maybe I will.". 102 00:05:32,607 --> 00:05:35,863 Just do it, you selfish arsingmongel! Nobody cares! 103 00:05:35,887 --> 00:05:37,823 I mean, what is his problem? 104 00:05:37,847 --> 00:05:40,743 His problem is that he is being haunted by his father, 105 00:05:40,767 --> 00:05:44,703 who was murdered by his uncle, who is sleeping with his mother! 106 00:05:46,207 --> 00:05:47,583 I know! 107 00:05:47,607 --> 00:05:49,463 Talk about a dysfunctional family! 108 00:05:49,487 --> 00:05:51,383 It's just brilliant for comedy! 109 00:05:51,407 --> 00:05:53,623 For me, it's the structure which is so original. 110 00:05:53,647 --> 00:05:56,063 At the start his dad says, "Avenge me!" 111 00:05:56,087 --> 00:05:59,823 And Hamlet says, "On it, Dad. I will avenge you right away." 112 00:05:59,847 --> 00:06:00,903 But then he doesn't. 113 00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:03,063 For five flipping acts! 114 00:06:03,087 --> 00:06:06,063 Honestly, Mr S, you are amazing! 115 00:06:06,087 --> 00:06:10,303 Creating a vain, entitled, self-obsessed, procrastinating crybaby 116 00:06:10,327 --> 00:06:13,319 who's taken up permanent residence in his own arsington! 117 00:06:15,087 --> 00:06:16,703 I imagine it could have been centuries 118 00:06:16,727 --> 00:06:19,663 before someone came up with a comedy around a person like that. 119 00:06:19,687 --> 00:06:21,983 But it's supposed to be tragic! 120 00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:23,143 And it is. 121 00:06:23,167 --> 00:06:26,383 As in, "Oh, my God, that bloke is just tragic!" 122 00:06:26,407 --> 00:06:28,983 My favourite bit is the mini-farce at the end. 123 00:06:29,007 --> 00:06:30,663 Mini-farce at the end?! 124 00:06:30,687 --> 00:06:31,943 The death scene. 125 00:06:31,967 --> 00:06:35,543 Oh, it's so over the top you must have needed a ladder to write that! 126 00:06:36,887 --> 00:06:38,503 I'll get it. 127 00:06:38,527 --> 00:06:40,343 My Hamlet is not a comedy! 128 00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:44,783 It is a forensically astute journey into the tortured heart of the human soul! 129 00:06:44,807 --> 00:06:48,943 Its fearless examination of the agonising reality of existence 130 00:06:48,967 --> 00:06:52,623 is searingly perceptive, particularly the death scene! 131 00:06:52,647 --> 00:06:56,383 Will, come on, please! The Hamlet death scene? Forensically astute? 132 00:06:56,407 --> 00:06:57,903 Fearlessly realistic? 133 00:06:57,927 --> 00:06:59,884 You are pulling my plonkington. 134 00:07:01,447 --> 00:07:03,583 I am not pulling your plonkington. 135 00:07:03,607 --> 00:07:06,823 Hamlet's death scene is the greatest and most convincing scene 136 00:07:06,847 --> 00:07:07,943 I have ever written. 137 00:07:07,967 --> 00:07:12,183 An 18-page masterclass on the true nature of life and death! 138 00:07:12,207 --> 00:07:16,103 However, since Burbage requires a light and whimsical comedy, 139 00:07:16,127 --> 00:07:21,063 I must set aside my tragic masterpiece and search for an idea elsewhere. 140 00:07:21,087 --> 00:07:22,407 I found this note under the door. 141 00:07:23,447 --> 00:07:24,663 Ouch. 142 00:07:24,687 --> 00:07:26,903 Well, that's a bit worrying, what with London seething with people 143 00:07:26,927 --> 00:07:30,023 who would long to see my gutlings spilled from my quartered body. 144 00:07:30,047 --> 00:07:32,383 Gutlings spilled from your quartered body, Kit? 145 00:07:32,407 --> 00:07:34,463 Can things really be as serious as that? 146 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:37,823 You know how it is. Live by the sword, die by the sword. 147 00:07:37,847 --> 00:07:39,663 Well, obviously, I know, Kit. 148 00:07:39,687 --> 00:07:41,519 ‘Twas I that coined the phrase... in... 149 00:07:42,847 --> 00:07:44,303 in my Richard, 1 think, 150 00:07:44,327 --> 00:07:47,143 or possibly a random Henry. A lot of swords in those. 151 00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,903 But definitely one of mine. 152 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,303 Why then, Mr Shakespeare, call the watch! 153 00:07:51,327 --> 00:07:53,103 Appeal to the Privy Council! 154 00:07:53,127 --> 00:07:57,423 Cry, "Foul and naughty tricks!" for I fear you have been plagiarised. 155 00:07:57,447 --> 00:08:00,503 Plagiarised? By whom? Who's stealing my biggies? 156 00:08:00,527 --> 00:08:02,023 Name this thieving bastable! 157 00:08:02,047 --> 00:08:03,383 The Apostle Matthew. 158 00:08:03,407 --> 00:08:05,783 The swine! And him a man of God! 159 00:08:05,807 --> 00:08:11,063 Mr Shakespeare, "he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword" is in the Bible. 160 00:08:11,087 --> 00:08:12,503 Really? Are you sure? 161 00:08:12,527 --> 00:08:13,703 Yes. 162 00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:16,543 Matthew, chapter 26, verse 52. 163 00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:19,863 Although, interestingly, he didn't come up with it either. 164 00:08:19,887 --> 00:08:24,503 A form of the phrase first appears in the Ancient Greek play Agamemnon 165 00:08:24,527 --> 00:08:26,823 by the immortal dramatist Aeschylus. 166 00:08:26,847 --> 00:08:29,623 Well, if the Apostle Matthew can pinch it, then so can I. 167 00:08:29,647 --> 00:08:32,183 Yes, Kit, definitely one of mine! 168 00:08:32,207 --> 00:08:35,463 And so do I continue my private task of sowing confusion 169 00:08:35,487 --> 00:08:39,863 about what I actually wrote and what people merely think I did. 170 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:43,223 Until the day dawns when people in their ignorance and vanity 171 00:08:43,247 --> 00:08:46,143 will attribute any archaic-sounding truism to me 172 00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:48,983 in the certitude that it might easily have been me, 173 00:08:49,007 --> 00:08:51,521 and if it wasn't, no-one will know the diff. 174 00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:57,838 Thus will I eventually get credit for inventing the entire English language. 175 00:08:59,447 --> 00:09:03,361 So, shove that up your Canterbury Tales, Geoffrey Chaucer! 176 00:09:04,407 --> 00:09:06,983 This is interesting. It's from Robert Greene. 177 00:09:07,007 --> 00:09:11,063 He is organising an intellectual salon of London's foremost writers. 178 00:09:11,087 --> 00:09:15,383 They intend to retreat to the country for - get this - a whole year, 179 00:09:15,407 --> 00:09:17,783 forswearing all rumpy-pumpington 180 00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:22,503 and, instead, discussing Roman philosophy far from the distracting company of women. 181 00:09:22,527 --> 00:09:27,903 Eheu, feminae tam stultae sunt ut de philosophia Romana disputare nequeat. 182 00:09:27,927 --> 00:09:29,303 What was that, Kate? 183 00:09:29,327 --> 00:09:32,263 I know it, of course, but for Bottom's sake. 184 00:09:32,287 --> 00:09:36,303 It's Latin for "how sad that women are too stupid to discuss Roman philosophy". 185 00:09:36,327 --> 00:09:38,263 Well, yes, it is a shame, but there you go. 186 00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:41,943 No point crying about it. Birds are thick. Can't change nature. 187 00:09:41,967 --> 00:09:43,183 Get over it. 188 00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:44,703 Anyway, this is great news. 189 00:09:44,727 --> 00:09:47,583 I mean, normally I wouldn't go within a hundred miles of a no-sex salon, 190 00:09:47,607 --> 00:09:49,183 but with every man's hand against me, 191 00:09:49,207 --> 00:09:51,903 this could be the perfect place to hide until the heat's off. 192 00:09:51,927 --> 00:09:53,343 And great news for me, too, Kit. 193 00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:56,303 A posh boys' literary retreat is just the place I need 194 00:09:56,327 --> 00:09:58,863 to come up with an idea for this comedy which eludes me. 195 00:09:58,887 --> 00:10:02,103 But, Mr Shakespeare, a whole year forswearing rumpy-pumpington? 196 00:10:02,127 --> 00:10:03,943 Won't your wife object? 197 00:10:03,967 --> 00:10:06,543 I don't think Anne will mind missing out on one bonk, Kate. 198 00:10:06,567 --> 00:10:07,567 She's... 199 00:10:08,887 --> 00:10:10,903 She's not a sex maniac. 200 00:10:10,927 --> 00:10:12,503 Botsky, pack my bags. 201 00:10:12,527 --> 00:10:14,143 Hang on, Will, the invitations just to me. 202 00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:15,823 Outrage! 203 00:10:15,847 --> 00:10:19,263 London's daintiest poets assemble and I'm excluded?! 204 00:10:19,287 --> 00:10:23,183 They might as well have a gathering of jungle beasts and not invite the lion! 205 00:10:23,207 --> 00:10:25,863 Of Greek gods and not invite Zeus! 206 00:10:25,887 --> 00:10:29,543 Of pie fillings and not invite steak and kidney! 207 00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:32,623 - I'd have said chicken and mushroom. - Ham and leek for me. King of pies. 208 00:10:32,647 --> 00:10:34,223 You're crazy. Apple and blackberry. 209 00:10:34,247 --> 00:10:35,863 Oh, well, if we're allowed sweet fillings... 210 00:10:35,887 --> 00:10:39,084 Are we allowed sweet fillings at this pie-gathering metaphor, Will? 211 00:10:40,167 --> 00:10:42,103 No, I think only savoury. 212 00:10:42,127 --> 00:10:43,383 Look, it doesn't matter! 213 00:10:43,407 --> 00:10:44,863 The point is that, 214 00:10:44,887 --> 00:10:48,943 yet again, pamperloins and folderols are snooting their cocks at me! 215 00:10:48,967 --> 00:10:51,303 Well, I shall create my own country salon. 216 00:10:51,327 --> 00:10:52,743 Bottom, pack my bags! 217 00:10:52,767 --> 00:10:55,543 We're off to Stratters, where I shall write a great comedy. 218 00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:58,063 Or you could just give them Hamlet save us a trip. 219 00:10:58,087 --> 00:11:00,143 Hamlet is not a comedy! 220 00:11:03,927 --> 00:11:06,343 Water only, if you please, Mistress Lucy, 221 00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:10,663 for we are here to discuss the forming of a literary salon. 222 00:11:10,687 --> 00:11:12,343 A literary salon? Hm! 223 00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:15,143 What in the name of Mufasa, the legendary lion king, 224 00:11:15,167 --> 00:11:17,223 and his playful son, Simba, is that? 225 00:11:17,247 --> 00:11:19,703 An intellectual grouping where all who attend 226 00:11:19,727 --> 00:11:21,903 will live lives of mental strength and resilience, 227 00:11:21,927 --> 00:11:25,783 forswearing all rumpy-pumpington for a whole year. 228 00:11:25,807 --> 00:11:29,903 Ah-ah-eh-eh. Such tests are also common in African culture. 229 00:11:29,927 --> 00:11:33,303 When it is time for a young Masai warrior to become a man, 230 00:11:33,327 --> 00:11:36,463 he herds cattle all alone for many, many days, 231 00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:39,183 then he allows himself to be circumcised 232 00:11:39,207 --> 00:11:43,703 by a crazy old fool with no medical training using a stone tool. 233 00:11:43,727 --> 00:11:46,343 Thus proving mental strength and resilience? 234 00:11:46,367 --> 00:11:49,983 Thus proving that all men are idiots, wherever they come from. Hm. 235 00:11:50,007 --> 00:11:53,103 Foolish, heathen woman. 236 00:11:53,127 --> 00:11:57,183 But now she hath removed herself from our conversation 237 00:11:57,207 --> 00:11:59,244 will I speak my darkest thoughts. 238 00:12:00,567 --> 00:12:04,063 This country salon is a ploy, a trick, 239 00:12:04,087 --> 00:12:05,423 part of an ingenious plot 240 00:12:05,447 --> 00:12:07,983 to destroy William Shakespeare. 241 00:12:08,007 --> 00:12:11,143 Are we to lure him into the country to kill him, Mr Greene? 242 00:12:11,167 --> 00:12:13,823 I fear, Sir Francis, that killing him is no longer enough. 243 00:12:13,847 --> 00:12:18,023 ‘Tis not the man we must destroy but his reputation. 244 00:12:18,047 --> 00:12:20,423 But how? Shakespeare is the man of the hour. 245 00:12:20,447 --> 00:12:24,583 Exactly, Your Grace, but I speak not of hours, nor days, nor yet years, 246 00:12:24,607 --> 00:12:27,583 but decades, centuries, even. 247 00:12:27,607 --> 00:12:31,983 For today we begin to sow the seeds of doubt that will make people question 248 00:12:32,007 --> 00:12:34,886 whether Shakespeare ever wrote his plays at all. 249 00:12:36,007 --> 00:12:38,023 And the first step in my plan 250 00:12:38,047 --> 00:12:41,343 is to kill... not Shakespeare... 251 00:12:41,367 --> 00:12:42,641 but Marlowe. 252 00:12:49,247 --> 00:12:52,863 Don't ask. Simply do not ask! 253 00:12:52,887 --> 00:12:54,023 Good journey, love? 254 00:12:54,047 --> 00:12:57,463 Well, Idid say, "Don't ask," but since you have asked, 255 00:12:57,487 --> 00:12:59,423 no, I did not have a good journey! 256 00:12:59,447 --> 00:13:02,503 Not only was it dirty, uncomfortable and delayed, 257 00:13:02,527 --> 00:13:06,383 but also it turns out I paid three shillings more for our tickets 258 00:13:06,407 --> 00:13:08,823 than anybody else on the coach. 259 00:13:08,847 --> 00:13:10,383 How did you manage that, son? 260 00:13:10,407 --> 00:13:13,863 How, Mum? Because in my madness, my utter insanity, 261 00:13:13,887 --> 00:13:16,863 I bought my coach ticket at the coach station 262 00:13:16,887 --> 00:13:19,242 on the day I wanted to get on a coach. 263 00:13:21,847 --> 00:13:25,943 A ridiculous thing to do, of course, as I discovered when we got mired in mud. 264 00:13:25,967 --> 00:13:28,303 Heavy downpour near Leamington Spa. 265 00:13:28,327 --> 00:13:30,223 Because, obviously, there's never been rain in the Midlands before, 266 00:13:30,247 --> 00:13:32,583 so how could the geniuses that manage the coaching infrastructure 267 00:13:32,607 --> 00:13:34,103 possibly have expected mud? 268 00:13:34,127 --> 00:13:38,543 Anyway, talk amongst the stranded travellers turned to ticket pricing, 269 00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:43,303 and, oh, what a labyrinthine maze of satanic complexity was then revealed! 270 00:13:43,327 --> 00:13:46,223 First to speak was a goodly matron 271 00:13:46,247 --> 00:13:49,638 who had bought an off-peak super family savington. 272 00:13:50,807 --> 00:13:55,423 Booked prior to the date of departure and valid only on certain services. 273 00:13:55,447 --> 00:13:57,823 For this she had paid tuppence. 274 00:13:57,847 --> 00:14:02,063 Well, an off-peak family concession sounds like a reasonable idea. 275 00:14:02,087 --> 00:14:06,663 Then piped up a rank and stinking yeoman who had spent but a penny 276 00:14:06,687 --> 00:14:09,823 on a nontransferable specialington savey-savey, 277 00:14:09,847 --> 00:14:13,063 purchased no less than a week before travel 278 00:14:13,087 --> 00:14:15,063 and accepted only on coaches that depart 279 00:14:15,087 --> 00:14:17,423 between the hours of 10 and 11 each morning. 280 00:14:17,447 --> 00:14:21,223 Well, travelling when the service is less busy would help. 281 00:14:21,247 --> 00:14:24,423 Finally, spake a stern and warty spinster 282 00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:26,103 who had paid a farthing 283 00:14:26,127 --> 00:14:29,103 for a double-discount cut-rate supesome-dupesome, 284 00:14:29,127 --> 00:14:33,303 savey-wavey, chips-and-gravy, age-concession, off-peaky-weaky, 285 00:14:33,327 --> 00:14:36,383 purchased in a previous life and valid only on coaches 286 00:14:36,407 --> 00:14:38,523 where the driver's middle name was Gerald! 287 00:14:39,927 --> 00:14:43,103 I am not a soothsayer. I am not Nostradamus! 288 00:14:43,127 --> 00:14:44,823 He'd have been all right, wouldn't he? 289 00:14:44,847 --> 00:14:47,903 As well as predicting the end of days and the coming of the Antichrist, 290 00:14:47,927 --> 00:14:50,663 he could have foreseen that on some specific date 291 00:14:50,687 --> 00:14:54,396 in the dim and distant future, he'd want a return ticket to Chipping Norton! 292 00:14:56,367 --> 00:14:58,183 But what are you doing home, anyway, love? 293 00:14:58,207 --> 00:15:01,423 We left London so you could get on with your new comedy. 294 00:15:01,447 --> 00:15:04,143 I find I crave the peace of the country, wife. 295 00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:07,423 In fact, I'm convening a country literary salon. 296 00:15:07,447 --> 00:15:09,503 Greene invited me to his, but I told him, 297 00:15:09,527 --> 00:15:11,143 "Just because I'd been made gentleman 298 00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:14,023 "doesn't mean I want to hang out with you snootish pamperloins.” 299 00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,703 You mean they didn't invite you. 300 00:15:16,727 --> 00:15:19,063 No, they bloomin♪ well didn't, but if they had, 301 00:15:19,087 --> 00:15:21,423 that's definitely what I would have told them. 302 00:15:21,447 --> 00:15:24,503 You've got to use your anger, Dad, empower yourself. 303 00:15:24,527 --> 00:15:27,423 Write a comedy about a literary salon. 304 00:15:27,447 --> 00:15:31,263 Do a play about a bunch of stupid posh boys who are so up themselves 305 00:15:31,287 --> 00:15:34,543 they give up sex so they can study Roman philosophy. 306 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:38,783 Well, I agree, it's not a bad set-up, but I couldn't stretch it across five acts. 307 00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:40,703 Well, you've got to work it up a bit. 308 00:15:40,727 --> 00:15:45,463 How about once they've come up with the no-sex rule, some hot babes turn up? 309 00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:47,863 As I was about to say, 310 00:15:47,887 --> 00:15:51,005 the way to make it work would be to have some hot babes turn up. 311 00:15:53,127 --> 00:15:55,663 Tell me a bit more of what I was about to say. 312 00:15:55,687 --> 00:15:59,543 Obviously, the snooty posh boys are gagging for the hot babes, 313 00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:02,143 but they're stuck with their stupid no-girls rule. 314 00:16:02,167 --> 00:16:04,223 Loving it. God, I'm good! 315 00:16:04,247 --> 00:16:07,863 So, each lad has to try and grab a girl in secret 316 00:16:07,887 --> 00:16:10,783 so their mates don't find out that they've broken the bro code. 317 00:16:10,807 --> 00:16:13,583 Brilliant. They're all covering up the same lie. 318 00:16:13,607 --> 00:16:15,103 How will you end it? 319 00:16:15,127 --> 00:16:17,423 I mean, how will I end it? 320 00:16:17,447 --> 00:16:19,103 I reckon, when all is revealed 321 00:16:19,127 --> 00:16:23,143 and the posh boys have learnt the lesson of their conceited ways, 322 00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:26,903 the hot girls bugger off and tell their humble suitors to wait a year 323 00:16:26,927 --> 00:16:28,983 before they can cop a bit of a feel-up. 324 00:16:29,007 --> 00:16:31,823 And I've even thought up a punch line. 325 00:16:31,847 --> 00:16:34,543 Well, I must say, it sounds like a fun idea. 326 00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:37,343 Yes, and now it only remains to crowbar in 327 00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:41,623 the incomprehensible subplots and pointless minor characters, 328 00:16:41,647 --> 00:16:43,343 and I'll be done. 329 00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:45,623 I knew it was too good to be true. 330 00:16:45,647 --> 00:16:48,103 Master, don't go there. You've got your plot. Just leave it be. 331 00:16:48,127 --> 00:16:51,623 Don't be absurd. Pointless minor characters and incomprehensible subplots 332 00:16:51,647 --> 00:16:54,343 are my signature thing. But people love them. 333 00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:58,063 And I only expect them to get more popular over the years. 334 00:16:58,087 --> 00:16:59,521 Particularly with schoolchildren... 335 00:17:00,607 --> 00:17:04,999 who will no doubt delight in being forced to read my plays out in class. 336 00:17:06,647 --> 00:17:09,783 Imagine it. The master will hand out all the big roles to his favourites, 337 00:17:09,807 --> 00:17:14,023 and all the snotsome grotsomes at the back will think themselves passed over, 338 00:17:14,047 --> 00:17:17,983 but then, oh, joy, there be myriad minor characters 339 00:17:18,007 --> 00:17:22,663 servicing the incomprehensible subplot, so they won't miss out after all. 340 00:17:22,687 --> 00:17:27,204 It's like a curse on youth ricocheting down the years. 341 00:17:28,767 --> 00:17:31,383 Miss Lucy is come calling, Mr Marlowe. 342 00:17:31,407 --> 00:17:35,103 I told her Mr Shakespeare was in Stratford, but she says she wants you. 343 00:17:35,127 --> 00:17:37,103 You are in great danger, Mr Marlowe. 344 00:17:37,127 --> 00:17:39,783 Mr Greene, Sir Francis Bacon and the Earl of Oxford 345 00:17:39,807 --> 00:17:42,343 intend to lure you to the country and kill you. 346 00:17:42,367 --> 00:17:43,703 Goodness, Miss Lucy, but why? 347 00:17:43,727 --> 00:17:45,543 Ah, to discredit Mr Shakespeare. 348 00:17:45,567 --> 00:17:48,423 Mr Greene believes that if you disappear mysteriously, 349 00:17:48,447 --> 00:17:50,303 a theory of conspiracy will develop, 350 00:17:50,327 --> 00:17:54,023 that you went into hiding to escape the complex world of espionage 351 00:17:54,047 --> 00:17:55,823 and sexual indiscretions 352 00:17:55,847 --> 00:17:57,903 - in which you were mired. - Oh. 353 00:17:57,927 --> 00:17:59,943 But you continue to write plays in secret, 354 00:17:59,967 --> 00:18:01,903 using Mr Shakespeare's name as a cover. 355 00:18:01,927 --> 00:18:05,583 Goodness. That does sound like rather an attractive theory. 356 00:18:05,607 --> 00:18:08,503 Yes. And a lot more interesting than all those works of genius 357 00:18:08,527 --> 00:18:11,783 being written by a town-school baldy-bonce from the Midlands. 358 00:18:11,807 --> 00:18:14,743 Mr Marlowe, you must not go to this literary salon, 359 00:18:14,767 --> 00:18:16,983 for if you do... Hey! 360 00:18:17,007 --> 00:18:18,406 You will not return. 361 00:18:23,607 --> 00:18:27,863 I have my new comedy and, what's more, I've just thought of the title. 362 00:18:27,887 --> 00:18:30,303 Since it be about the effort that goes into wooing, 363 00:18:30,327 --> 00:18:33,023 I shall call it Love's Labour's. 364 00:18:33,047 --> 00:18:35,543 Ooh, I quite like it. 365 00:18:35,567 --> 00:18:37,703 It just feels like it's missing something. 366 00:18:37,727 --> 00:18:40,543 Maybe a third word beginning with L. 367 00:18:40,567 --> 00:18:42,423 Lampooned. 368 00:18:42,447 --> 00:18:44,103 Too comical. 369 00:18:44,127 --> 00:18:45,903 Kind of announces the funny. 370 00:18:45,927 --> 00:18:49,397 Yeah, you don't want to lure them in with false expectations. 371 00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:54,823 How about "lanced", like a boil? 372 00:18:54,847 --> 00:18:56,623 Love's Labour's Lanced? 373 00:18:56,647 --> 00:18:57,863 Not bad. 374 00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:59,241 Lubricated. 375 00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:04,558 Goes to a slightly weird place and... 376 00:19:05,527 --> 00:19:06,743 perhaps a bit long. 377 00:19:06,767 --> 00:19:10,263 It needs a nice, short, punchy word with a touch of regret. 378 00:19:10,287 --> 00:19:11,383 Got it! 379 00:19:11,407 --> 00:19:13,125 - Lost. - Licked. 380 00:19:14,207 --> 00:19:15,943 Love's Labour's Licked? 381 00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:18,983 It's perfect. Licked as in "got it licked". 382 00:19:19,007 --> 00:19:23,303 The posh bird has taken the pamperloin's love and she's licked it. 383 00:19:23,327 --> 00:19:25,716 Will! will! 384 00:19:26,807 --> 00:19:29,103 Pardon me, all. Just need to talk to the man. 385 00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:30,983 I'm in mortal danger. You've got to help me. 386 00:19:31,007 --> 00:19:32,783 Goodness, Kit, do you want us to hide you? 387 00:19:32,807 --> 00:19:34,583 No, it's not good enough. They'll find me. 388 00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:37,623 I need to fake my own death, and it must be utterly convincing. 389 00:19:37,647 --> 00:19:39,303 We can leave nothing to chance. 390 00:19:39,327 --> 00:19:44,183 No, absolutely! This death scene has to be forensically astute. 391 00:19:44,207 --> 00:19:45,343 You've got that right. 392 00:19:45,367 --> 00:19:47,183 - Fearlessly realistic. - Totally. 393 00:19:47,207 --> 00:19:51,223 A masterclass on the true nature of life and death. 394 00:19:51,247 --> 00:19:53,663 I think you know where I'm going with this. 395 00:19:53,687 --> 00:19:54,836 Ah... 396 00:19:57,767 --> 00:20:03,703 Gentlemen, this enforced idleness in the country will be worth the trouble. 397 00:20:03,727 --> 00:20:09,503 With Marlowe's disappearance, I plant the first of my theories of conspiracy 398 00:20:09,527 --> 00:20:14,783 which will dog the Crow's reputation for all time. 399 00:20:14,807 --> 00:20:16,823 The first, Mr Greene? You have more? 400 00:20:16,847 --> 00:20:18,303 Oh, yes. 401 00:20:18,327 --> 00:20:22,903 Next must you, Sir Francis Bacon, ensure that included in your future writings 402 00:20:22,927 --> 00:20:29,303 there be certain words and punctuation common to those used by Mr Shakespeare. 403 00:20:29,327 --> 00:20:33,663 Thus will future anally retentive, self-important saddos 404 00:20:33,687 --> 00:20:38,223 find evidence of similarity between your works and his 405 00:20:38,247 --> 00:20:41,743 and conclude that you are Shakespeare. 406 00:20:41,767 --> 00:20:45,783 But, Mr Greene, of course there will be similarities of words and punctuation. 407 00:20:45,807 --> 00:20:47,303 We both write in English. 408 00:20:47,327 --> 00:20:48,343 Exactly. 409 00:20:48,367 --> 00:20:50,863 It's so conclusive, I'm almost convinced myself. 410 00:20:50,887 --> 00:20:53,863 And you, my dear Earl of Oxford, 411 00:20:53,887 --> 00:20:55,943 I intend that you, too, will one day 412 00:20:55,967 --> 00:20:59,103 be thought of as a putative author of the Crow's plays. 413 00:20:59,127 --> 00:21:00,823 This is absurd, Mr Greene. 414 00:21:00,847 --> 00:21:04,783 There is not one single shred of evidence linking either Marlowe, Bacon or myself 415 00:21:04,807 --> 00:21:06,183 to Shakespeare's plays. 416 00:21:06,207 --> 00:21:07,463 Exactly. 417 00:21:07,487 --> 00:21:08,983 There is no evidence. 418 00:21:09,007 --> 00:21:11,743 Can you think of better proof of a cover-up? 419 00:21:11,767 --> 00:21:15,823 And it begins... with the death... 420 00:21:15,847 --> 00:21:19,263 of Christopher Marlowe. 421 00:21:19,287 --> 00:21:23,223 And so you see, gentlemen, Mr Marlowe's enemies gather for the kill, 422 00:21:23,247 --> 00:21:26,143 and the only way to save him is for the world to believe him dead. 423 00:21:26,167 --> 00:21:29,743 So, you intend we fake Mr Marlowe's death in a fight? 424 00:21:29,767 --> 00:21:30,863 Absolutely. 425 00:21:30,887 --> 00:21:33,303 And, in so doing, prove to you and sneering Kit 426 00:21:33,327 --> 00:21:35,583 that my sublime Hamlet is not a comedy 427 00:21:35,607 --> 00:21:38,103 - but bitter human truth. - Good luck with that. 428 00:21:38,127 --> 00:21:41,903 We will rehearse the scene now and perform it later in a crowded tavern. 429 00:21:41,927 --> 00:21:43,343 So, to work. 430 00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:46,343 Mr Marlowe arrives at the tavern full of fury. 431 00:21:46,367 --> 00:21:48,783 - Intent on killing me. - Yes, that's right. 432 00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:51,583 - You're playing his uncle, Claudius. - Claudius? Why Claudius? 433 00:21:51,607 --> 00:21:54,903 Oh, just thought it was a good name for a murdering, cuckolding bastable. 434 00:21:54,927 --> 00:21:58,343 Ah! So he's a murdering, cuckolding bastable, is he? 435 00:21:58,367 --> 00:21:59,663 I like it! 436 00:21:59,687 --> 00:22:03,463 I shall give him a stoop and a limp for extra naturalism! 437 00:22:03,487 --> 00:22:07,503 Love it. Now, Marlowe wants you dead because you poisoned his dad. 438 00:22:07,527 --> 00:22:10,143 - Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare. - I certainly will. 439 00:22:10,167 --> 00:22:11,663 He poured it in his ear. 440 00:22:11,687 --> 00:22:14,703 I'm sorry, that's funny? 441 00:22:14,727 --> 00:22:18,303 Yeah. "Oh, I want to poison my brother. How shall I do it? 442 00:22:18,327 --> 00:22:22,463 "Shall I secretly put it in his wine or discreetly bake it in his pie? 443 00:22:22,487 --> 00:22:23,783 "No, I'll pour it in his ear. 444 00:22:23,807 --> 00:22:25,983 "Isn't that how everybody poisons people?” 445 00:22:26,007 --> 00:22:28,223 Actually, I do think Mr Shakespeare is right. 446 00:22:28,247 --> 00:22:29,303 Thank you, Burbage. 447 00:22:29,327 --> 00:22:32,623 Yes, the odd comic detail will pique the public interest in the case. 448 00:22:32,647 --> 00:22:35,423 It is not comic, it's cruelly poignant. 449 00:22:35,447 --> 00:22:39,663 Now, having murdered Hamlet's dad - I mean, Marlowe's dad - 450 00:22:39,687 --> 00:22:43,103 Uncle Claudius is now a-dallying with Marlowe's mum. 451 00:22:43,127 --> 00:22:46,103 Mr Condell, you will play Kit's mother, Gertrude. 452 00:22:46,127 --> 00:22:48,623 Quite a challenge. I'm horribly young for it. 453 00:22:48,647 --> 00:22:51,503 Gertrude and Claudius are flirting together 454 00:22:51,527 --> 00:22:55,063 and Marlowe arrives full of fury, bent on revenge. 455 00:22:55,087 --> 00:22:56,343 I leap to my feet! 456 00:22:56,367 --> 00:22:58,823 A savage, stooped and limping villain! 457 00:22:58,847 --> 00:23:01,183 We fight! He dies! I like it! 458 00:23:01,207 --> 00:23:03,103 Yes, an excellent plot. 459 00:23:03,127 --> 00:23:05,663 And one I feel sure will satisfy the authorities. 460 00:23:05,687 --> 00:23:07,903 Don't be ridiculous. That's not a death scene. 461 00:23:07,927 --> 00:23:09,703 Blimey, there's only one death. 462 00:23:09,727 --> 00:23:12,343 Besides which, we need complex motivations. 463 00:23:12,367 --> 00:23:15,663 Kit had a girlfriend, Ophelia, who has been driven mad. 464 00:23:15,687 --> 00:23:18,663 Trying to follow this plot. Who said that? I did. So... 465 00:23:18,687 --> 00:23:21,343 Because Kit has previously accidentally stabbed her father. 466 00:23:21,367 --> 00:23:22,703 Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare. 467 00:23:22,727 --> 00:23:25,863 He was hiding behind a curtain and Kit stabbed him by mistake. 468 00:23:27,047 --> 00:23:28,703 Which is not funny! 469 00:23:28,727 --> 00:23:31,863 Ophelia, of course, goes mad with grief and dies. 470 00:23:31,887 --> 00:23:33,463 Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare. 471 00:23:33,487 --> 00:23:35,023 She drowns in a duck pond. 472 00:23:36,327 --> 00:23:38,223 There's a duck pond in this pub, then? 473 00:23:38,247 --> 00:23:40,623 The duck pond is offstage. I mean, elsewhere. 474 00:23:40,647 --> 00:23:42,143 Her death is reported 475 00:23:42,167 --> 00:23:45,823 and will, in my view, one day provide the excuse for many pervy paintings 476 00:23:45,847 --> 00:23:49,463 by dirty old artists depicting dead nymphets in wet nighties. 477 00:23:49,487 --> 00:23:52,903 But the point is, Ophelia's death is important backstory, 478 00:23:52,927 --> 00:23:56,903 because, as Kit turns up, hellbent on confronting his wicked uncle... 479 00:23:56,927 --> 00:23:58,503 Just to be clear, young Will, 480 00:23:58,527 --> 00:24:02,063 how does Mr Marlowe know that it's his uncle who's killed his father? 481 00:24:02,087 --> 00:24:03,983 Yes. Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare. 482 00:24:04,007 --> 00:24:05,743 His father's ghost told him. 483 00:24:06,887 --> 00:24:08,823 Which is not funny! 484 00:24:08,847 --> 00:24:12,663 So, Mr Marlowe, plagued by his father's ghost, has come to kill his uncle. 485 00:24:12,687 --> 00:24:14,743 Just then, Laertes turns up. 486 00:24:14,767 --> 00:24:15,823 That's you, Kempe. 487 00:24:15,847 --> 00:24:18,143 So, Laertes? Have I missed something? 488 00:24:18,167 --> 00:24:21,703 He's Ophelia's brother, bent on avenging his father and his sister. 489 00:24:21,727 --> 00:24:24,383 So, we now have two sons avenging their fathers? 490 00:24:24,407 --> 00:24:26,823 Isn't this getting a little confusing, will? 491 00:24:26,847 --> 00:24:28,623 How? How is it confusing? 492 00:24:28,647 --> 00:24:31,983 One of the avenging sons is avenging his stabbed father and drowned sister. 493 00:24:32,007 --> 00:24:35,063 And the other is avenging his poisoned father and defiled mother. 494 00:24:35,087 --> 00:24:36,703 How could that be any clearer? 495 00:24:36,727 --> 00:24:38,663 Ooh, can't think... 496 00:24:38,687 --> 00:24:41,983 So, Burbage and Condell are sitting in the pub together having a flirt and a banter. 497 00:24:42,007 --> 00:24:44,423 Oh, can I have some pickled herrings to toy with? 498 00:24:44,447 --> 00:24:47,263 I'd like a bit of business, as I don't seem to have much in this scene. 499 00:24:47,287 --> 00:24:48,863 No, Mr Condell, because I know you, 500 00:24:48,887 --> 00:24:52,103 and suddenly Marlowe's death would be all about the pickled herrings. 501 00:24:52,127 --> 00:24:53,623 That's an outrageous slur! 502 00:24:53,647 --> 00:24:56,423 Kit bursts in, full of murderous fury, 503 00:24:56,447 --> 00:25:00,543 but then Laertes also bursts in, also full of murderous fury. 504 00:25:00,567 --> 00:25:03,943 Kempe wounds Kit, but, in the struggle, Kempe dies. 505 00:25:03,967 --> 00:25:05,463 Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare. 506 00:25:05,487 --> 00:25:06,743 By stabbing himself. 507 00:25:06,767 --> 00:25:09,303 As you do. 508 00:25:09,327 --> 00:25:11,103 Condell, seeing her son wounded 509 00:25:11,127 --> 00:25:14,543 and feeling a bit guilty about rogering his uncle, also dies. 510 00:25:14,567 --> 00:25:16,063 Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare. 511 00:25:16,087 --> 00:25:18,663 She drinks some conveniently placed poisoned wine. 512 00:25:18,687 --> 00:25:21,863 Did she pour it in her ear? I've heard that's the best way to take poison. 513 00:25:21,887 --> 00:25:26,903 Kit, sorely wounded but driven by vengeful fury, stabs Burbage, who also dies. 514 00:25:26,927 --> 00:25:30,303 Kit then dies as well, before all order is restored. 515 00:25:30,327 --> 00:25:32,063 Tell them how, Mr Shakespeare. 516 00:25:32,087 --> 00:25:34,503 By the arrival of the Norwegian army. 517 00:25:35,967 --> 00:25:38,743 None of which is funny! 518 00:25:38,767 --> 00:25:40,823 Master, I've terrible news. 519 00:25:40,847 --> 00:25:43,077 Christopher Marlowe... is dead. 520 00:25:47,527 --> 00:25:49,503 An unmarked grave. 521 00:25:49,527 --> 00:25:52,743 An unmarked grave in Deptford is all they give him. 522 00:25:52,767 --> 00:25:54,838 Such a paltry memorial. 523 00:25:56,007 --> 00:25:57,983 And such a paltry end. 524 00:25:58,007 --> 00:26:02,103 I had prepared for him a truly great death scenario. 525 00:26:02,127 --> 00:26:07,063 But, instead, he is stabbed in the eye in a brawl in a small room 526 00:26:07,087 --> 00:26:09,463 over the reckoning of a bill. 527 00:26:09,487 --> 00:26:13,685 And such were the number and variety of his enemies at his end that... 528 00:26:14,647 --> 00:26:16,763 we four are all that come to mourn him. 529 00:26:17,807 --> 00:26:20,103 Yes. A bit disappointing, can't deny. 530 00:26:20,127 --> 00:26:21,783 I was kind of hoping for a state funeral. 531 00:26:21,807 --> 00:26:24,383 - Kit! - Shh-shh. Keep it down, mate. 532 00:26:24,407 --> 00:26:25,602 I'm supposed to be dead. 533 00:26:26,807 --> 00:26:29,623 But... Aren't you dead? 534 00:26:29,647 --> 00:26:33,743 No! I got three old mates from the service to rig a fight using a stage dagger. 535 00:26:33,767 --> 00:26:35,583 It's a plague corpse in the coffin. 536 00:26:35,607 --> 00:26:38,063 But, Kit, Iwas supposed to rig your death. 537 00:26:38,087 --> 00:26:39,343 You asked me to help. 538 00:26:39,367 --> 00:26:43,223 Yeah. Yeah, but then you wanted to use that scene from Hamlet and, well... 539 00:26:43,247 --> 00:26:45,807 He didn't want people to think he'd laughed himself to death. 540 00:26:47,647 --> 00:26:49,303 Still, one good thing... 541 00:26:49,327 --> 00:26:53,263 With Mr Marlowe thought actually dead, instead of mysteriously disappeared, 542 00:26:53,287 --> 00:26:55,983 there be no chance that people will imagine he lived on 543 00:26:56,007 --> 00:26:58,263 and wrote under your name, Mr Shakespeare. 544 00:26:58,287 --> 00:27:01,183 Pah! People will believe anything they want to believe. 545 00:27:01,207 --> 00:27:03,463 Ancient Hindu creation legend believes 546 00:27:03,487 --> 00:27:06,463 that the world is balanced on the back of a giant tortoise. 547 00:27:06,487 --> 00:27:08,103 Ah-ah-eh-eh. 548 00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:10,383 Perhaps the giant tortoise wrote your plays. 549 00:27:10,407 --> 00:27:12,183 Twrote my blooming plays! 550 00:27:12,207 --> 00:27:15,757 If you say so, Mr Shakespeare. Hm! If you say so. 551 00:27:20,487 --> 00:27:22,383 So, the world thinks Marlowe's dead, 552 00:27:22,407 --> 00:27:24,703 but, actually, he's sleeping on your couch. 553 00:27:24,727 --> 00:27:27,623 Well, you know, just till he sets up a new identity 554 00:27:27,647 --> 00:27:30,183 and forges a new life for himself. 555 00:27:30,207 --> 00:27:32,663 Well, I can't see him hurrying to do that, love. 556 00:27:32,687 --> 00:27:35,263 Not with your ale to quaff and pie to gorge. 557 00:27:35,287 --> 00:27:37,343 Dad, I've been reading Hamlet, 558 00:27:37,367 --> 00:27:41,383 and, actually, I can see why you think it would make a great tragedy. 559 00:27:41,407 --> 00:27:42,463 Really, daughter? 560 00:27:42,487 --> 00:27:44,703 But I can also see why they all laughed at it. 561 00:27:44,727 --> 00:27:45,783 Can I be honest? 562 00:27:45,807 --> 00:27:46,943 Of course. 563 00:27:46,967 --> 00:27:48,303 You know, within reason. 564 00:27:48,327 --> 00:27:50,183 You need to keep working on it. 565 00:27:50,207 --> 00:27:52,183 I mean, some of the lines are almost there. 566 00:27:52,207 --> 00:27:54,623 Like... "To top myself or not to top myself." 567 00:27:54,647 --> 00:27:55,823 But... 568 00:27:55,847 --> 00:27:58,943 I just don't think you've quite got to the heart of Hamlet's agony. 569 00:27:58,967 --> 00:28:01,063 Maybe you're just too comfortable and content 570 00:28:01,087 --> 00:28:03,143 to get inside that kind of character. 571 00:28:03,167 --> 00:28:05,623 Well, let's hope it stays that way, eh? 572 00:28:05,647 --> 00:28:07,863 Because if personal tragedy is what it takes 573 00:28:07,887 --> 00:28:10,623 to properly interpret Hamlet's despair, 574 00:28:10,647 --> 00:28:13,223 I hope your Danish play be never finished. 575 00:28:13,247 --> 00:28:14,543 Me, too. Goodnight. 576 00:28:14,567 --> 00:28:15,602 Night. 577 00:28:16,767 --> 00:28:18,183 Well, no matter. 578 00:28:18,207 --> 00:28:20,263 I've got my new comedy written anyway. 579 00:28:20,287 --> 00:28:22,903 Love's Labour's Licked. 580 00:28:22,927 --> 00:28:26,463 "Lost", love. We decided on "lost", didn't we? 581 00:28:26,487 --> 00:28:30,943 Oh, yes. That's right. Susanna thought "licked" but I said "lost", didn't I? 582 00:28:30,967 --> 00:28:33,277 Love's Labour's Lost. 583 00:28:35,207 --> 00:28:36,402 Or should it be "licked"?