[Sondheim's "Old Friends" plays]
INSTRUCTOR: What a beautiful September morning.
Welcome to Strutting with Sondheim.
You know, a lot of people think that Sondheim's
music isn't danceable or very catchy.
Well, they can go fuck themselves.
All right, let's all partner up!
Remember, hand to hand, eye to eye, actual emotions.
Let's make some human connections today, people, okay?
Excuse me, where are you going, Barcelona?
‐ Partner up?
I'm not touching a stranger's hands.
‐ Yeah. They'll be all clammy.
If I wanted clams, I'd go to the oyster bar
and trick a day trader into buying me some chowder.
‐ [scoffs] You go to the oyster bar?
What are you, a prostitute?
‐ That's the nicest thing anyone's ever asked me.
‐ Ugh. Look at that.
"Dr. Doolittle 2."
I'm so glad, because I didn't feel "Dr. Doolittle 1"
incorporated enough of Eddie Murphy's homophobic stand‐up.
‐ You know, I heard in this one we get closure
on that night he was a "good Samaritan"
and picked up that trans prostitute
who later died under mysterious circumstances.
‐ [laughter] Well, either way,
he's definitely gonna talk to animals.
SINGERS: ♪ Here's to us ♪
‐ Aww, where we met.
‐ This place should be a New York City landmark.
‐ Agreed. Okay, next stop on the "Billy Farewell Tour" checklist,
there are two leather bars we have to say good‐bye to
before you leave for LA.
‐ But one is a Sephora now.
‐ We'll go anyway. I need mascara.
‐ Hi! We're looking for the Broadway Dance School?
‐ Aw, you two are as bright‐eyed and bushytailed
as Gaby Hoffman when she goes bottomless on "Transparent."
‐ Let me give you a word of advice.
New York is gonna eat you alive like it's Lea DeLaria
and you're a pretty new extra on "Orange is the New Black."
Go back to Kentucky.
‐ How did you know that my wife and I were from Kentucky?
‐ Bye.
[brash punk music]
‐ Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
‐ What's wrong, Chinese New Year?
Did Malcolm Gladwell post another podcast
explaining how comedy works?
‐ I'm officially unemployed.
The website I do recaps for just went under.
Hulk Hogan sued them too. He was on a roll after Gawker.
‐ Don't worry, Lunchables.
You know I'm the stable breadwinner.
In fact, since PBS moved to Jupiter, Florida,
I'm even more invaluable.
‐ Yeah, I guess.
PAT KIERNAN: Both the Zumba Madam
and the Cannibal Cop remain in stable condition.
And in non‐New York news, a massive sinkhole in Jupiter,
Florida, has suddenly devoured the PBS headquarters.
‐ Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
‐ Oh, my god.
That's horrible.
On the upside, I never have to see you
in those corduroy shorts again.
‐ Noodles! ‐ Sorry.
‐ Please. A little respect?
I just lost most of my colleagues.
‐ We were never warned about sinkholes growing up.
Back on "Gilligan's Island," it was
quicksand this and quicksand that.
‐ [groans]
I have a powerful formative memory
of Ginger being tied to a tree.
‐ Somebody got over the death of his coworkers quickly.
‐ So when you're seating a party,
you just want to check it off here
so you don't double‐book a table.
You got it?
‐ [moaning]
‐ I'm sorry. Um, I'm just gonna ask it.
‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah. ‐ Uh...
You're Tony Hale.
‐ That's right. That's right.
‐ So why have you decided to wait tables?
Because... ‐ I'm Tony Hale.
‐ You're Tony Hale.
‐ [laughs] I know. [quietly] I want stability.
Hollywood just chews you up and spits you out.
My biggest regret was when I gave up
my lunchtime shift at the Caliente Cab Company
after my second Emmy win for "VEEP."
‐ Well, I'm actually about to move to LA,
and I'm gonna set that town on fire!
‐ Oh, yeah.
I tried to set that town on fire too.
I made it look like an accident,
but the insurance agents know every trick in the book.
‐ Attention, work family!
I have some exhilarating news that will wrap up my arc
of wanting to be on a reality show!
‐ You got on a reality show?
‐ No, you dirty dunce!
But I did get a final callback
for the reboot of "Supermarket Sweep!"
‐ Yes!
‐ "Supermarket Sweep" is a game show.
‐ Yeah, but on it, I play myself, which is real.
All I have to do is complete an extensive personality test.
‐ Matthew, that is so exciting!
[laughs]
‐ Okay, dial it down, Mary.
‐ Behind with hot.
‐ [screams] ‐ Oh, my god.
‐ Mummenschantz! Not again!
‐ This makeup is just new technique
for avoiding facial recognition cameras.
‐ Hey, sisters. This is Lola.
‐ I'm gonna tell you what you need to do to
walk through the streets of New York City undetected.
First you're gonna need
Scotch tape, black lipstick,
a tennis racquet,
and you'll definitely need a shirt
you don't mind setting on fire.
‐ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You haven't seen her makeup tutorials?
Okay, the camaraderie at Caliente was so much stronger.
‐ Laugh all you want, but the CIA doesn't know that I went
to Chop't for lunch. Can you say the same, Tony?
‐ [chuckles]
I cannot.
I went to Wendy's.
‐ Can everybody gather around? We have some news.
It's got nothing to do with our baby, okay?
Gather around.
So Sephora is buying up the entire neighborhood
and turning all the East Village
into a sprawling monster location.
ALL: What?
‐ Our beloved café will soon just be some Nars lipliners.
‐ Avenue B is going to become a giant aisle
of Kat Von D's liquid lipsticks.
‐ That's a good lipstick.
‐ What about the Stomp theater?
‐ The Stomp theater will remain the Stomp theater.
‐ Thank god. ‐ Wait a second. I'm sorry.
Sephora can't just come in
and take over an entire neighborhood?
‐ Now that corporations are a division of U. S. military,
they can pretty much invade wherever they want.
‐ Panera Breads got nukes. ‐ Oh, my god.
‐ D's Cafe is no more.
‐ [wails quietly] Fuck.
Fuck.
‐ Yeah. Yeah. ‐ Yeah.
‐ [continues wailing] ‐ Right. It's not‐‐
you've been here, like, half a day.
♪ ♪
‐ Welcome,
surviving members of PBS.
Thank you for meeting me at my laundromat.
Let's dive in before my towels are done.
We need to go to Congress to ask for money.
‐ Well, it was Walt Gleacher's job to testify,
and he died in the sinkhole.
‐ And all of his successors are dead too,
due to unrelated Florida mayhem.
‐ So what are you saying, Gaby?
‐ If you don't make a plea to Congress, we're done.
‐ Gaby, I have insufferable stage fright.
‐ Are you okay with knowing that we're never gonna run
another Wilco episode of "Austin City Limits"?
Or broadcast Micky Dolenz's one‐man show?
‐ No.
I'm not okay with that.
‐ Good.
[dryer buzzes] Oh.
My towels are done.
‐ Mom, if your AOL keeps crashing,
that's just God's way of telling you to stop using AOL.
‐ Please, don't evoke God. Just fix my email.
‐ Okay.
What's your password?
‐ Marilyn. ‐ Marilyn.
Mom, you have a lot of unreturned emails
in your trash folder from your editor.
"Where is the manuscript?"
"Final notice"?
‐ [sighs]
‐ Mom, your book is due tomorrow
or else you lose your deal.
‐ I know! I know. I'm scared.
‐ Well, you can't just ignore this
and hope it goes away!
Remember when I forgot to return
"King Ralph" to Blockbuster?
And then as soon as I realized it was late,
I hid it in the back of my closet for six months.
‐ Oh, I remember.
I bailed you out.
Now I have a $539 VHS copy of "King Ralph."
[sighs]
If I don't hand in this manuscript,
it will be the first time in my life that I've ever failed.
Help me, Julie.
This was my "King Ralph."
‐ [sighs]
Brew a pot of coffee.
‐ Okay.
Ah, wait. That's Esmerelda's job,
and she's got Lupus again. That loafing Lucy.
Do you really need coffee?
‐ Yeah, because we're gonna stay up together all night
and we're gonna write your book.
‐ In one night?
‐ It's self help.
It's all anecdotal and catchphrases.
‐ Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I've got one.
"Nobody asked me!"
‐ Yeah, we're not gonna use that one.
Listen, the secret to writing is that you can't
write and judge at the same time.
You can either write or you can judge.
‐ So it's a two‐man job! Okay, great.
You write, I'll judge, and we'll
get this fucker in the can by the crack of dawn!
Siri?
How does Es‐mer‐el‐da
make coffee?
Question mark.
♪ ♪
‐ Hey.
‐ Hey, Billy,
try this water.
You can't tell it's fracked, can you?
‐ [spit‐take] Are you crazy?
Is that safe?
‐ You tell me in two to three minutes.
I guess they fracked this powder
and then they combined it with another powder,
and now it's a liquid?
Anyway, pregnant women can't touch the bottle.
What's up?
‐ I have been accused of being cold and avoidant,
so I wanted to drop off this invitation in person.
‐ Billy, you're moving to L. A.
and you tell me by inviting me to your going away party?
‐ Is that no bueno?
‐ What the fuck?
[chuckles]
I respect your lack of sentimentality,
but this is just not how you say good‐bye.
This is not how people say good‐bye.
‐ I'm not saying good‐bye!
I'm just‐‐I'm going out there
for pilot season, and then if‐‐
‐ If you book something, you'll stay?
And maybe you'll stay in touch with me and maybe you won't?
‐ Todd, you are making a way bigger deal
about this than you should, okay?
Like when Gigi Hadid's publicist told her
she was hosting the American Music Awards.
‐ That was a star‐making moment for Gigi.
‐ That was a host‐making moment for Gigi.
‐ Hey, I gotta get back to work.
‐ Okay.
‐ But just FYI about the water:
my tongue is burning, and I can't feel my ears.
And I'm usually not aware of my ears,
but now it feels like they're missing.
‐ So no bueno?
♪ ♪
‐ Nickname,
I think I'm having a panic attack.
Something is clearly askew:
I forgot to match my pocket square with my socket square.
‐ What? Arthur,
What are you talking about?
Is this about your dead friends at PBS?
I told you, they're happier in hell than they were in Florida.
I wrote my mother's entire book last night.
Sleepy Jubees needs a nap.
‐ I know you're tired, but I have to testify
on behalf of PBS in front of Congress.
You're a seasoned performer. Give me some tips.
‐ Okay, well, here's your first tip:
never call a woman "seasoned."
And acting is just imitating
somebody else's acting, then passing it off as your own
like Christian Slater did with Jack Nicholson,
or Mark Wahlberg did with a pile of bricks.
‐ Okay, that's good. Who shall I act like?
James Cagney?
Buddy Ebson.
Hector Elizando.
‐ [snoring]
‐ To my wonderful husband,
who's forcing me to pretend
that I care that Billy is leaving,
even though you know I don't.
[all scream] ‐ What the hell?
‐ Calm down, you babies.
I just upgraded to this ski mask
because I learned that makeup
contains tiny transmitters that report your location.
When you use products from the United States of Sephora,
Uncle Sam knows exactly where you are.
‐ Lola, please‐‐ it's Billy's night.
‐ I got cast on "Supermarket Sweep!"
‐ Oh, my god!
That's a real reason to celebrate!
‐ All right, let me just take these‐‐
‐ I'm sorry‐‐what the fuck
do you think you're doing?
I'm still working on this!
‐ I'm sorry. She hasn't slept in days.
‐ Oh, I'm gonna get you some apology fries.
‐ Yeah, see that you do.
‐ All right. ‐ Fuckin' Tony Hale.
‐ Fucking Tony Hale.
‐ So anyway, the "Sweep" producers showed me this
darling little movie about how psychotherapy murders people
And then they had me hold these two little metal cans
that were called, like, um, like a she‐meter?
‐ Matthew, that sounds like Scient‐‐
‐ Nuh‐nuh‐nuh. Shh. Let's see how this plays out.
‐ So proud of you. So proud of you.
[cell phone rings] ‐ It's Todd.
‐ Hey, are you coming?
‐ Well, what's the point if it's not really good‐bye?
‐ Well, no, I told you it's not a good‐bye party.
It's just‐‐it's just a party.
‐ Maybe call me once you get to LA
and realize you're all alone, okay?
‐ Looky, looky, looky, looky, looky, looky.
‐ What the fuck are these?
Apology fries have cheese!
Cheese!
‐ [screams] Fuck!
‐ Oh, stupid Tony.
Get your shit together, Hale!
Shit! Shit.
‐ Billy.
Billy!
Billy, what's going on? Talk to me.
‐ What's going on is that I'm full of shit.
Todd was right: not saying good‐bye
doesn't mean I'm not leaving.
I don't want to lose you.
‐ I know I should say something supportive,
but what's to become of me, Billy?
I don't want to be the free radical of hags,
floating around without a partner!
Think about all the terrible gays
I could attract as a new best friend:
a guy that does autobiographical shows at piano bars,
someone in fashion!
‐ What about me?
What kind of nightmare hags in LA am I gonna attract?
A burlesque dancer! A Groundling!
‐ I'm gonna throw up.
‐ A Groundling, Julie! ‐ I'm gonna throw up!
‐ A Groundling!
‐ What if I come with you?
‐ No, you can't come with me. That's crazy.
‐ Just enough time to get you settled.
‐ I guess that would mean that we'd never have to
say good‐bye or deal with our feelings!
‐ Billiam, let's go ruin another city!
‐ Yes!
‐ Welcome to Los Angeles!
I'm Cashton, the manager here at Orenthal rental car.
I'm more of a performer than an actor,
but, yes, I can sing.
Here's my headshot and résumé
and a printed out list of inflammatory foods
my nutritionist recommends avoiding.
How was y'all's flight?
[cell phone rings]
‐ Oh, shit. It's Arthur.
Hi. I am so sorry
I forgot to tell you that I left for LA.
‐ How long will you be there?
‐ Just long enough to make sure Billy's settled.
But, honestly, who knows?
Maybe I'll really love it out here
and both of us can move here.
‐ [laughing hysterically]
[continues laughing hysterically]
‐ Okay, love you. Bye.
‐ It'll be fine. You've done worse.
‐ That's true.
[slaps]
‐ What kind of car are y'all looking for?
‐ [stammers]
Yellow. ‐ Blue?
‐ I have a hybrid coupe.
‐ Ooh! ‐ Oh, coupe. I've heard of that.
‐ Yeah, me too. It's like the Beach Boys.
‐ Yeah, it's like fun. ‐ And big.
♪ ♪
‐ So what should we do first?
Should we do the Harrison Ford tour of plane crash sites?
‐ Oh, let's go to the Magic Castle
and vandalize Neil Patrick Harris' car.
‐ Yes!
I just want to drop off my stuff first, if that's okay.
It says here the place I'm staying,
The Silkwood, is only 5 miles away.
"The Silkwood, short‐term housing
"for people who haven't yet accepted
they will be in Los Angeles forever."
‐ And it's only five miles away? ‐ That's what it says.
‐ That's perfect. We'll drop off your stuff;
we'll have the whole day ahead of us!
‐ I love it.
[horns honking]
Hey, why are they all stopped up there?
‐ Ugh.
That traffic was like the first scene in "La La Land."
It sucked.
‐ Hello? Is anybody here?
[elevator dings]
‐ Welcome to The Silkwood.
I'm Joan Gentile. I'm the landlady here.
It was the pictures that got small.
I'm not a ghost.
Would you like to show yourselves around?
‐ Oh, yeah.
That'd be great. Thank you.
[chuckles]
‐ My husband was a homosexual too.
‐ "The Silkwood boasts family‐style housing
"for stage moms and the kids
"they force to live out their broken dreams.
"Children are tutored poolside,
"which we call home‐pooling instead of home‐schooling.
Get it?"
‐ Yeah, I get it.
‐ Let's find my apartment.
‐ "This part of The Silkwood was originally a mental hospital
"that burned for three days straight
"but never turned to ash.
"Now it houses men who are depressed
for all kinds of reasons."
‐ The weather's nice.
Home sweet home!
[woman moaning, screaming distantly]
It looked different online.
‐ How so?
‐ I can't believe we're saying good‐bye to this place.
This was our dream.
‐ I've only known you a day and a half,
but it is really hard to break up the gang.
‐ This is the saddest day of my life‐‐
watching the government shut down another small business.
I feel as useless as the CrossFit equipment
in Mitch McConnell's basement.
‐ I'm sorry we couldn't raise the money.
‐ Look, there was just no way we were gonna
come up with that kind of cash.
‐ Wait, you guys had the option to buy the cafe?
Why didn't you say so? I have money in savings.
‐ How much money?
‐ I can't see that far away.
‐ [humming the Popeye song] ♪ De‐de‐DEE‐de‐de‐de‐duh ♪
♪ "Supermarket Sweep!" ♪
‐ Matty, you came in your sailor costume to cheer me up!
‐ Also because I have wonderful news!
I've been asked to join a boat‐based division
of "Supermarket Sweep" called the Sea Orj!
‐ The Sea Org.
‐ No, it's "orj," like orgy.
Anyway, the producers asked me to sign a billion‐year contract.
‐ What? [laughs]
‐ And I'm doing it.
‐ [sighs]
Good‐bye forever!
[doors clattering]
‐ Push.
[doors clattering]
ALL: Push!
‐ Oh.
‐ [sighs] Ah, West Hollywood.
I could choke on the smell of prep and spray tan
if it weren't for the smog evening them out.
‐ Yeah, but there's space,
and people pee where they're supposed to‐‐
in toilets, or each others' mouths.
My god, how'd you get so sunburned so quickly?
Is that just since we parked the car?
‐ Yep.
Hey, will you check the guidebook
for somewhere to eat, someplace that doesn't
have fruit listed as dessert?
‐ Oh, yeah. Sure.
‐ Welcome! ‐ Hi.
Would you like to sit in the "bread" or "no bread" section?
Aww. Bread it is.
‐ Oh, my god, Julie, this place is a landmark.
One of these tables is where Bryan Singer's
accusers first met with their lawyer.
‐ Would you like a laptop cord, or did you bring your own?
‐ Excuse me?
‐ I assumed you were a writer,
based on your age, weight, and bread.
‐ No, thank you.
But I did have a question about the menu.
What's the closest thing you guys have to a hot dog?
‐ We do have a Downward Facing Dog, it's like an ex‐‐
‐ Fuck you. ‐ Okay.
I'll be back to tell you about my roller derby team.
‐ Hey. Hi. ‐ [gasps]
I don't work here.
My name is Flute, and I'm a doula.
And you seem pregnant. So I'd love to give you my card.
It would be my absolute privilege
to go on this journey with you.
‐ Billy, I don't know how much more of this I can take.
‐ Don't look now, but Terrance Howard is at the
table behind you, and he just took out his classical guitar.
[classical guitar music] ‐ Oh, my god!
We have to get out of here. ‐ I know.
♪ ♪
‐ Dr. Ben Carson, it's me.
Dr. Marilyn Kessler.
Remember we met in Maryland at that one country club
that let both of us in?
Well, I'm just calling for patient referrals.
Not that I think my book is going to fail.
Oh‐‐hold on. I have another call.
Hold on. Yes?
‐ Marilyn Kessler.
I had a bet going with my assistant about whether
you'd have to return your advance.
Anyway, long story short, now he has to fuck me.
‐ I'm not sure who lost that bet.
But did you like my book?
‐ No.
I fucking love it!
‐ Really???
‐ I'm pushing up its release date.
This book will even outsell
"The Outsider Art of the DC Sniper."
‐ Oh, Veronica, I am over the moon!
‐ I just have one question
before I get back to hog‐tying my assistant.
This book is so different from everything else
you've sent me so far. What happened?
‐ Well, I guess I just found my voice
and learned how to use her.
It.
My‐‐my voice.
My voice.
My‐‐me.
Me.
‐ [tiny voice] Distinguished members of the committee,
I am here to remind you
of the importance of public broadcasting.
In 1970‐‐
In‐‐
In 1970, our‐‐ Oh.
Uh...
[as Cary Grant] I meant to do that.
Please accept my most sincere apologies.
‐ Are you doing Cary Grant?
Are you doing Tony Curtis doing Cary Grant?
‐ Oh. [as Jimmy Cagney] You dirty rat!
‐ Well, I certainly didn't expect to be called
a dirty rat this morning.
Next!
‐ Come on, Arthur. Imitate somebody.
Who would deal with this situation best?
‐ Cheese!
[mimics Julie in the restaurant] Oh, I'm sorry‐‐
what the fuck do you think you're doing?
‐ Reynolds, put back the water
and bring him some apology fries as well.
‐ Now...
here's what's gonna do.
You're gonna give PBS the money we need,
and you're going to do it now.
Apology fries have cheese!
♪ ♪
‐ Hey, Billy, not that my positivity
is wearing thin or anything,
but do you think there's, like, a tram
that could take us up to the top of this...
I want to say, dirt building?
‐ Oh no, Jules, you look even redder than before.
Do you have a particularly high Rotten Tomatoes score
or is your sunburn getting worse?
‐ I think it might be having
an allergic reaction to that bread.
‐ Of course!
There's no gluten in bread in LA.
it's all nuts and sap. ‐ Oh, shit.
I don't think I'm going into anaphylactic shock,
but maybe we should get a fresh Epi‐Pen
just to be safe, you know?
‐ Hey! Hey! Pregnant writer?
It's me, Flute the doula!
And lucky for you, I'm also a licensed healologist
with a specialty in eavesdropping.
And I heard that maybe you thought
you were having some kind of allergic reaction?
‐ Yeah, do you know where the closest pharmacy is?
Because we can't any cell phone reception up here.
‐ Wow, pharmacies.
I mean, I could direct you to the nearest "CVS."
but I think this would actually help you a lot more.
It's my healologist license.
Call me when you're ready for the medicine
that will really help you:
me telling you over and over again
that whatever you're feeling is all in your head.
‐ Please don't take this the wrong way, Flute,
but I hope you die of a preventable disease.
Let's go get you an Epi‐Pen. Excuse us.
‐ Holy shit! Is that a fucking rattlesnake?
‐ [screams]
‐ Holy shit!
Is that Aaron Sorkin meeting with the Duplass brothers?
‐ [screams] ‐ No! No!
‐ Oh, shit. We're trapped.
We're trapped! Where do we go?
‐ Well, first we're going to CVS,
and then I'm dropping you off at the airport.
‐ What? No, no, no!
I'm supposed to stay here until you get settled!
‐ We've been in L. A. 24 hours,
and you might actually die.
‐ But how are we going to stay in touch?
‐ We'll Facetime and we'll Skype
and, you know, we'll text each other
more constantly than we already do.
It will be okay.
‐ Will it?
‐ I don't know.
I don't know.
‐ Hello. Welcome to Lola's D's Café.
Here is a menu,
and a complimentary surveillance‐free mascara.
Because beauty is knowing
the government isn't watching you.
I'll be back to take your order
and answer any questions you may have about the line
of tracker‐free makeup I've created.
‐ I cannot believe she's actually our partner.
‐ We did the right thing. Lola saved us from Sephora.
‐ Hey, Lola, I don't get it.
If you're this loaded,
why were you waiting tables to begin with?
‐ I am passionate about the food service industry,
especially now that I'm in charge.
Did y'all read the new employee handbook?
‐ It opens with a chart connecting JFK's assassination
to Marisa Tomei's Oscar.
I couldn't understand that manifesto.
‐ You should take this job more seriously,
since LA chewed you up and spit you out again
like an actress eating lunch.
‐ Nobody spit me out.
Except for that Uber driver. Pussy.
I came back because I got cast on "Blue Bloods,"
which happens to shoot here.
‐ And it is not your fault, thespian.
Percy the gay nephew got cut down to background.
But they're gonna bring that little gay boy back, right?
‐ I mean, I hope they bring him back,
Because, contractually, I'm not allowed
to appear on any other shows.
‐ Uh, table for one.
‐ Matthew, oh, my god!
[both squealing]
‐ Mama Dee, you are looking at the first homosexual
to ever be kicked out of Scientology instead
of being blackmailed to stay in.
‐ So you finally figured out
there's no "Supermarket Sweep" reboot.
‐ Of course not. Don't be such an SP!
‐ Well, this is cause to celebrate.
Matthew, you're rehired.
Tony, you're fired.
‐ F it all to H.
‐ Hey‐‐ I'm part owner.
I make these decisions, too. Tony...
‐ Yes? ‐ You're fired.
‐ Damn it!
Damn it!
[screaming]
‐ Oh. Ben Carson?
Have you been on hold all this time?
I've got to go, I'm doing
"Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen."
[upbeat music]
[cheers and applause]
‐ Welcome back to "Watch What Happens Live."
I'm Andy Cohen, and I'm here with
the best‐seller author of "Finding My Voice"
and the Countess Luann's former therapist,
Dr. Marilyn Kessler.
‐ I cannot tell you how honored I am that I am here
because you love my book so much I'm your only guest.
‐ Yeah, that's exactly why you're my only guest;
not because Sheree Whitfield has been
stuck in an elevator for the past 45 minutes.
‐ I agree, my book is extremely brave.
‐ I actually didn't‐‐
‐ Well, Andy, you do not get to spend
two months on top of "The New York Times" bestseller list
if you're cowardly.
‐ Marilyn, you are very honest in your book about
the pursuit of happiness without more antidepressants.
‐ Honest.
‐ What was your favorite part of writing the book?
‐ Getting my hair done, and raising my rates‐‐
well, and I mean helping people.
And I enjoyed being there for the actual writing.
It's rare that you get to spend so much time with your...
voice... without fighting.
‐ I've been trying to become a writer
so I don't become my mother.
Now I finally have success as a writer,
and all I had to do is become my mother.
‐ What are you watching?
That doesn't sound like "Independent Lens."
‐ I had to take a break from PBS to watch my mom
on "Watch What Happens Live" from last night.
She's gonna quiz me about it later.
‐ Pencils down, Lady Foot Locker.
Breakfast is served.
‐ You know, I don't mean to sound ungrateful
I know you got me the job and everything;
it's just recapping PBS shows for PBS
seems more useless than shaving your pussy
before you go to a "Sound of Music" singalong.
‐ I can't disagree, but
a lot of people enjoy PBS's Online Presence.
‐ [sighs] When do I get paid again?
‐ Ooh, funny you should ask, Senate Floor.
The government funding just came through!
PBS finally got the check!
‐ Congratulations. ‐ ♪ Ta‐da ♪
‐ That says "TBS."
‐ Yeah, they misunderstood.
That's why it says "Very Funny" on the memo line.
Anyway, it's easy to change a T to a P.
♪ ♪
‐ I'm gone for 6 months,
and they turned the Broadway Dance School
into an NYU dorm with a Chase Bank in the lobby?
‐ Yeah, the only thing that never changes about New York
is people in New York talking about
how New York has changed.
‐ Very true. Hey.
Todd's working late tonight. Do you wanna go see a movie?
‐ Yeah!
I'm in the mood for something really awful,
like maybe something from the Dirtyverse.
‐ Ah, you mean like, "Dirty Grandpa," "Bad Santa."
‐ "Bad Moms," "Bad Teacher,"
"Bad Grandpa," "Horrible Bosses."
‐ Yeah, "Crappy Cousin."
‐ "Lousy Abortionist."
‐ "Gross Ghost."
‐ "Perverted Architect."
‐ "Cunty Kid."
[laughter]
‐ Should we really see "Dr. Doolittle 2,"
or should we just give that money
to The Gay Men's Health Crisis?
‐ I'm having a Gay Men's Mental Health Crisis of my own
just thinking about Eddie Murphy
talking to an alligator with the voice of Kevin Pollak.
‐ [laughs] ‐ What else is playing?
‐ Well, if you're in the mood to watch "King Ralph,"
I happen to own a very expensive copy.
‐ Oh, I love "King Ralph!" ‐ Yeah.
‐ I'm Billy, by the way. ‐ I'm Julie.
‐ You know, I don't think I've ever said this once
in my life, but it's nice to meet you.
[Sondheim's "Old Friends" plays]
♪ ♪
WOMAN: La la la. Oh, my God.