1 00:00:01,430 --> 00:00:03,120 [Sondheim's "Old Friends" plays] 2 00:00:03,116 --> 00:00:05,536 INSTRUCTOR: What a beautiful September morning. 3 00:00:05,537 --> 00:00:07,787 Welcome to Strutting with Sondheim. 4 00:00:07,791 --> 00:00:10,261 You know, a lot of people think that Sondheim's 5 00:00:10,255 --> 00:00:13,135 music isn't danceable or very catchy. 6 00:00:13,136 --> 00:00:15,176 Well, they can go fuck themselves. 7 00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:17,271 All right, let's all partner up! 8 00:00:17,269 --> 00:00:21,239 Remember, hand to hand, eye to eye, actual emotions. 9 00:00:21,235 --> 00:00:25,485 Let's make some human connections today, people, okay? 10 00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:27,923 Excuse me, where are you going, Barcelona? 11 00:00:27,915 --> 00:00:29,455 ‐ Partner up? 12 00:00:29,460 --> 00:00:31,170 I'm not touching a stranger's hands. 13 00:00:31,172 --> 00:00:33,052 ‐ Yeah. They'll be all clammy. 14 00:00:33,051 --> 00:00:35,181 If I wanted clams, I'd go to the oyster bar 15 00:00:35,180 --> 00:00:37,640 and trick a day trader into buying me some chowder. 16 00:00:37,643 --> 00:00:39,653 ‐ [scoffs] You go to the oyster bar? 17 00:00:39,647 --> 00:00:41,397 What are you, a prostitute? 18 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,740 ‐ That's the nicest thing anyone's ever asked me. 19 00:00:43,738 --> 00:00:45,368 ‐ Ugh. Look at that. 20 00:00:45,367 --> 00:00:47,247 "Dr. Doolittle 2." 21 00:00:47,245 --> 00:00:49,535 I'm so glad, because I didn't feel "Dr. Doolittle 1" 22 00:00:49,541 --> 00:00:52,671 incorporated enough of Eddie Murphy's homophobic stand‐up. 23 00:00:52,673 --> 00:00:54,303 ‐ You know, I heard in this one we get closure 24 00:00:54,301 --> 00:00:55,851 on that night he was a "good Samaritan" 25 00:00:55,845 --> 00:00:57,635 and picked up that trans prostitute 26 00:00:57,641 --> 00:00:59,351 who later died under mysterious circumstances. 27 00:00:59,353 --> 00:01:00,863 ‐ [laughter] Well, either way, 28 00:01:00,855 --> 00:01:02,065 he's definitely gonna talk to animals. 29 00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:04,857 SINGERS: ♪ Here's to us ♪ 30 00:01:04,863 --> 00:01:06,833 ‐ Aww, where we met. 31 00:01:06,826 --> 00:01:08,786 ‐ This place should be a New York City landmark. 32 00:01:08,788 --> 00:01:12,338 ‐ Agreed. Okay, next stop on the "Billy Farewell Tour" checklist, 33 00:01:12,337 --> 00:01:14,377 there are two leather bars we have to say good‐bye to 34 00:01:14,383 --> 00:01:15,593 before you leave for LA. 35 00:01:15,593 --> 00:01:17,103 ‐ But one is a Sephora now. 36 00:01:17,097 --> 00:01:18,927 ‐ We'll go anyway. I need mascara. 37 00:01:18,933 --> 00:01:21,943 ‐ Hi! We're looking for the Broadway Dance School? 38 00:01:21,939 --> 00:01:24,449 ‐ Aw, you two are as bright‐eyed and bushytailed 39 00:01:24,445 --> 00:01:26,655 as Gaby Hoffman when she goes bottomless on "Transparent." 40 00:01:26,657 --> 00:01:28,577 ‐ Let me give you a word of advice. 41 00:01:28,578 --> 00:01:31,378 New York is gonna eat you alive like it's Lea DeLaria 42 00:01:31,375 --> 00:01:33,755 and you're a pretty new extra on "Orange is the New Black." 43 00:01:33,755 --> 00:01:35,675 Go back to Kentucky. 44 00:01:35,675 --> 00:01:38,175 ‐ How did you know that my wife and I were from Kentucky? 45 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:39,561 ‐ Bye. 46 00:01:39,558 --> 00:01:44,568 [brash punk music] 47 00:01:44,568 --> 00:01:47,118 ‐ Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 48 00:01:47,115 --> 00:01:48,735 ‐ What's wrong, Chinese New Year? 49 00:01:48,743 --> 00:01:50,213 Did Malcolm Gladwell post another podcast 50 00:01:50,205 --> 00:01:52,165 explaining how comedy works? 51 00:01:52,167 --> 00:01:53,877 ‐ I'm officially unemployed. 52 00:01:53,878 --> 00:01:56,508 The website I do recaps for just went under. 53 00:01:56,509 --> 00:01:59,849 Hulk Hogan sued them too. He was on a roll after Gawker. 54 00:01:59,848 --> 00:02:01,768 ‐ Don't worry, Lunchables. 55 00:02:01,769 --> 00:02:03,609 You know I'm the stable breadwinner. 56 00:02:03,606 --> 00:02:05,646 In fact, since PBS moved to Jupiter, Florida, 57 00:02:05,652 --> 00:02:07,072 I'm even more invaluable. 58 00:02:07,072 --> 00:02:09,662 ‐ Yeah, I guess. 59 00:02:09,660 --> 00:02:11,460 PAT KIERNAN: Both the Zumba Madam 60 00:02:11,455 --> 00:02:15,085 and the Cannibal Cop remain in stable condition. 61 00:02:15,088 --> 00:02:18,298 And in non‐New York news, a massive sinkhole in Jupiter, 62 00:02:18,302 --> 00:02:21,852 Florida, has suddenly devoured the PBS headquarters. 63 00:02:21,851 --> 00:02:24,401 ‐ Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 64 00:02:24,398 --> 00:02:26,528 ‐ Oh, my god. 65 00:02:26,527 --> 00:02:28,567 That's horrible. 66 00:02:28,573 --> 00:02:29,953 On the upside, I never have to see you 67 00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,700 in those corduroy shorts again. 68 00:02:31,704 --> 00:02:32,754 ‐ Noodles! ‐ Sorry. 69 00:02:32,749 --> 00:02:35,419 ‐ Please. A little respect? 70 00:02:35,420 --> 00:02:37,260 I just lost most of my colleagues. 71 00:02:37,257 --> 00:02:39,387 ‐ We were never warned about sinkholes growing up. 72 00:02:39,386 --> 00:02:40,966 Back on "Gilligan's Island," it was 73 00:02:40,973 --> 00:02:43,393 quicksand this and quicksand that. 74 00:02:43,394 --> 00:02:44,734 ‐ [groans] 75 00:02:44,730 --> 00:02:46,900 I have a powerful formative memory 76 00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:50,451 of Ginger being tied to a tree. 77 00:02:50,450 --> 00:02:53,460 ‐ Somebody got over the death of his coworkers quickly. 78 00:02:53,456 --> 00:02:55,036 ‐ So when you're seating a party, 79 00:02:55,043 --> 00:02:56,343 you just want to check it off here 80 00:02:56,337 --> 00:02:58,217 so you don't double‐book a table. 81 00:02:58,216 --> 00:02:59,296 You got it? 82 00:02:59,301 --> 00:03:01,431 ‐ [moaning] 83 00:03:01,430 --> 00:03:05,060 ‐ I'm sorry. Um, I'm just gonna ask it. 84 00:03:05,063 --> 00:03:06,483 ‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah. ‐ Uh... 85 00:03:06,482 --> 00:03:08,242 You're Tony Hale. 86 00:03:08,236 --> 00:03:09,816 ‐ That's right. That's right. 87 00:03:09,821 --> 00:03:11,161 ‐ So why have you decided to wait tables? 88 00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:12,948 Because... ‐ I'm Tony Hale. 89 00:03:12,953 --> 00:03:14,713 ‐ You're Tony Hale. 90 00:03:14,706 --> 00:03:16,666 ‐ [laughs] I know. [quietly] I want stability. 91 00:03:16,669 --> 00:03:20,509 Hollywood just chews you up and spits you out. 92 00:03:20,510 --> 00:03:22,260 My biggest regret was when I gave up 93 00:03:22,264 --> 00:03:24,604 my lunchtime shift at the Caliente Cab Company 94 00:03:24,601 --> 00:03:26,441 after my second Emmy win for "VEEP." 95 00:03:26,438 --> 00:03:28,528 ‐ Well, I'm actually about to move to LA, 96 00:03:28,526 --> 00:03:30,066 and I'm gonna set that town on fire! 97 00:03:30,071 --> 00:03:31,871 ‐ Oh, yeah. 98 00:03:31,865 --> 00:03:34,865 I tried to set that town on fire too. 99 00:03:34,871 --> 00:03:36,711 I made it look like an accident, 100 00:03:36,709 --> 00:03:40,049 but the insurance agents know every trick in the book. 101 00:03:40,049 --> 00:03:41,889 ‐ Attention, work family! 102 00:03:41,885 --> 00:03:44,465 I have some exhilarating news that will wrap up my arc 103 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,904 of wanting to be on a reality show! 104 00:03:46,895 --> 00:03:48,395 ‐ You got on a reality show? 105 00:03:48,399 --> 00:03:50,399 ‐ No, you dirty dunce! 106 00:03:50,403 --> 00:03:51,993 But I did get a final callback 107 00:03:51,990 --> 00:03:53,950 for the reboot of "Supermarket Sweep!" 108 00:03:53,951 --> 00:03:55,541 ‐ Yes! 109 00:03:55,538 --> 00:03:57,328 ‐ "Supermarket Sweep" is a game show. 110 00:03:57,334 --> 00:04:00,674 ‐ Yeah, but on it, I play myself, which is real. 111 00:04:00,673 --> 00:04:04,433 All I have to do is complete an extensive personality test. 112 00:04:04,431 --> 00:04:07,651 ‐ Matthew, that is so exciting! 113 00:04:07,645 --> 00:04:09,475 [laughs] 114 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:10,823 ‐ Okay, dial it down, Mary. 115 00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,158 ‐ Behind with hot. 116 00:04:12,155 --> 00:04:13,405 ‐ [screams] ‐ Oh, my god. 117 00:04:13,407 --> 00:04:15,697 ‐ Mummenschantz! Not again! 118 00:04:15,703 --> 00:04:17,333 ‐ This makeup is just new technique 119 00:04:17,332 --> 00:04:19,342 for avoiding facial recognition cameras. 120 00:04:19,336 --> 00:04:21,546 ‐ Hey, sisters. This is Lola. 121 00:04:21,548 --> 00:04:23,338 ‐ I'm gonna tell you what you need to do to 122 00:04:23,344 --> 00:04:25,524 walk through the streets of New York City undetected. 123 00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:26,725 First you're gonna need 124 00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:28,145 Scotch tape, black lipstick, 125 00:04:28,145 --> 00:04:29,645 a tennis racquet, 126 00:04:29,648 --> 00:04:30,978 and you'll definitely need a shirt 127 00:04:30,984 --> 00:04:32,074 you don't mind setting on fire. 128 00:04:32,070 --> 00:04:33,570 ‐ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 129 00:04:33,572 --> 00:04:35,412 You haven't seen her makeup tutorials? 130 00:04:35,410 --> 00:04:37,910 Okay, the camaraderie at Caliente was so much stronger. 131 00:04:37,914 --> 00:04:40,594 ‐ Laugh all you want, but the CIA doesn't know that I went 132 00:04:40,586 --> 00:04:43,336 to Chop't for lunch. Can you say the same, Tony? 133 00:04:43,342 --> 00:04:44,682 ‐ [chuckles] 134 00:04:44,678 --> 00:04:45,678 I cannot. 135 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,480 I went to Wendy's. 136 00:04:47,475 --> 00:04:51,145 ‐ Can everybody gather around? We have some news. 137 00:04:51,150 --> 00:04:52,940 It's got nothing to do with our baby, okay? 138 00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:55,324 Gather around. 139 00:04:55,324 --> 00:04:58,334 So Sephora is buying up the entire neighborhood 140 00:04:58,330 --> 00:04:59,790 and turning all the East Village 141 00:04:59,791 --> 00:05:02,091 into a sprawling monster location. 142 00:05:02,088 --> 00:05:04,048 ALL: What? 143 00:05:04,050 --> 00:05:07,770 ‐ Our beloved café will soon just be some Nars lipliners. 144 00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:09,805 ‐ Avenue B is going to become a giant aisle 145 00:05:09,811 --> 00:05:12,031 of Kat Von D's liquid lipsticks. 146 00:05:12,025 --> 00:05:13,315 ‐ That's a good lipstick. 147 00:05:13,319 --> 00:05:14,989 ‐ What about the Stomp theater? 148 00:05:14,989 --> 00:05:17,039 ‐ The Stomp theater will remain the Stomp theater. 149 00:05:17,035 --> 00:05:18,285 ‐ Thank god. ‐ Wait a second. I'm sorry. 150 00:05:18,287 --> 00:05:19,867 Sephora can't just come in 151 00:05:19,873 --> 00:05:21,753 and take over an entire neighborhood? 152 00:05:21,752 --> 00:05:24,552 ‐ Now that corporations are a division of U. S. military, 153 00:05:24,549 --> 00:05:26,759 they can pretty much invade wherever they want. 154 00:05:26,762 --> 00:05:29,062 ‐ Panera Breads got nukes. ‐ Oh, my god. 155 00:05:29,059 --> 00:05:30,809 ‐ D's Cafe is no more. 156 00:05:30,811 --> 00:05:32,981 ‐ [wails quietly] Fuck. 157 00:05:32,983 --> 00:05:35,663 Fuck. 158 00:05:35,655 --> 00:05:37,325 ‐ Yeah. Yeah. ‐ Yeah. 159 00:05:37,325 --> 00:05:38,695 ‐ [continues wailing] ‐ Right. It's not‐‐ 160 00:05:38,702 --> 00:05:40,252 you've been here, like, half a day. 161 00:05:40,248 --> 00:05:42,748 ♪ ♪ 162 00:05:42,752 --> 00:05:44,592 ‐ Welcome, 163 00:05:44,589 --> 00:05:48,599 surviving members of PBS. 164 00:05:48,597 --> 00:05:51,807 Thank you for meeting me at my laundromat. 165 00:05:51,812 --> 00:05:55,402 Let's dive in before my towels are done. 166 00:05:55,403 --> 00:05:57,663 We need to go to Congress to ask for money. 167 00:05:57,657 --> 00:05:59,617 ‐ Well, it was Walt Gleacher's job to testify, 168 00:05:59,619 --> 00:06:01,289 and he died in the sinkhole. 169 00:06:01,290 --> 00:06:02,830 ‐ And all of his successors are dead too, 170 00:06:02,834 --> 00:06:05,594 due to unrelated Florida mayhem. 171 00:06:05,590 --> 00:06:07,470 ‐ So what are you saying, Gaby? 172 00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,388 ‐ If you don't make a plea to Congress, we're done. 173 00:06:09,389 --> 00:06:11,389 ‐ Gaby, I have insufferable stage fright. 174 00:06:11,393 --> 00:06:14,273 ‐ Are you okay with knowing that we're never gonna run 175 00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:16,454 another Wilco episode of "Austin City Limits"? 176 00:06:16,445 --> 00:06:18,865 Or broadcast Micky Dolenz's one‐man show? 177 00:06:18,866 --> 00:06:21,406 ‐ No. 178 00:06:21,413 --> 00:06:23,833 I'm not okay with that. 179 00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:25,594 ‐ Good. 180 00:06:25,588 --> 00:06:26,838 [dryer buzzes] Oh. 181 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:27,840 My towels are done. 182 00:06:29,888 --> 00:06:31,728 ‐ Mom, if your AOL keeps crashing, 183 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,645 that's just God's way of telling you to stop using AOL. 184 00:06:33,646 --> 00:06:35,896 ‐ Please, don't evoke God. Just fix my email. 185 00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:37,030 ‐ Okay. 186 00:06:37,028 --> 00:06:39,278 What's your password? 187 00:06:39,282 --> 00:06:41,622 ‐ Marilyn. ‐ Marilyn. 188 00:06:41,620 --> 00:06:43,370 Mom, you have a lot of unreturned emails 189 00:06:43,374 --> 00:06:45,594 in your trash folder from your editor. 190 00:06:45,586 --> 00:06:48,176 "Where is the manuscript?" 191 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,635 "Final notice"? 192 00:06:49,636 --> 00:06:50,846 ‐ [sighs] 193 00:06:50,846 --> 00:06:52,346 ‐ Mom, your book is due tomorrow 194 00:06:52,350 --> 00:06:53,850 or else you lose your deal. 195 00:06:53,852 --> 00:06:55,862 ‐ I know! I know. I'm scared. 196 00:06:55,856 --> 00:06:57,146 ‐ Well, you can't just ignore this 197 00:06:57,151 --> 00:06:59,071 and hope it goes away! 198 00:06:59,072 --> 00:07:00,282 Remember when I forgot to return 199 00:07:00,282 --> 00:07:01,992 "King Ralph" to Blockbuster? 200 00:07:01,994 --> 00:07:03,754 And then as soon as I realized it was late, 201 00:07:03,747 --> 00:07:05,577 I hid it in the back of my closet for six months. 202 00:07:05,584 --> 00:07:06,594 ‐ Oh, I remember. 203 00:07:06,586 --> 00:07:08,166 I bailed you out. 204 00:07:08,173 --> 00:07:12,143 Now I have a $539 VHS copy of "King Ralph." 205 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:13,560 [sighs] 206 00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:15,559 If I don't hand in this manuscript, 207 00:07:15,563 --> 00:07:19,703 it will be the first time in my life that I've ever failed. 208 00:07:19,696 --> 00:07:22,076 Help me, Julie. 209 00:07:22,076 --> 00:07:25,326 This was my "King Ralph." 210 00:07:25,332 --> 00:07:26,422 ‐ [sighs] 211 00:07:26,418 --> 00:07:27,548 Brew a pot of coffee. 212 00:07:27,545 --> 00:07:29,045 ‐ Okay. 213 00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:31,388 Ah, wait. That's Esmerelda's job, 214 00:07:31,386 --> 00:07:33,636 and she's got Lupus again. That loafing Lucy. 215 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:35,310 Do you really need coffee? 216 00:07:35,311 --> 00:07:37,611 ‐ Yeah, because we're gonna stay up together all night 217 00:07:37,607 --> 00:07:38,817 and we're gonna write your book. 218 00:07:38,817 --> 00:07:40,277 ‐ In one night? 219 00:07:40,279 --> 00:07:41,739 ‐ It's self help. 220 00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:43,910 It's all anecdotal and catchphrases. 221 00:07:43,911 --> 00:07:45,711 ‐ Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I've got one. 222 00:07:45,706 --> 00:07:47,456 "Nobody asked me!" 223 00:07:47,460 --> 00:07:49,170 ‐ Yeah, we're not gonna use that one. 224 00:07:49,172 --> 00:07:50,722 Listen, the secret to writing is that you can't 225 00:07:50,716 --> 00:07:52,216 write and judge at the same time. 226 00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:54,060 You can either write or you can judge. 227 00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:56,347 ‐ So it's a two‐man job! Okay, great. 228 00:07:56,353 --> 00:07:58,523 You write, I'll judge, and we'll 229 00:07:58,524 --> 00:08:02,454 get this fucker in the can by the crack of dawn! 230 00:08:02,448 --> 00:08:03,828 Siri? 231 00:08:03,826 --> 00:08:06,956 How does Es‐mer‐el‐da 232 00:08:06,958 --> 00:08:09,498 make coffee? 233 00:08:09,504 --> 00:08:10,924 Question mark. 234 00:08:12,468 --> 00:08:15,518 ♪ ♪ 235 00:08:15,516 --> 00:08:16,556 ‐ Hey. 236 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:17,730 ‐ Hey, Billy, 237 00:08:17,728 --> 00:08:19,318 try this water. 238 00:08:22,530 --> 00:08:23,870 You can't tell it's fracked, can you? 239 00:08:23,866 --> 00:08:25,866 ‐ [spit‐take] Are you crazy? 240 00:08:25,870 --> 00:08:27,370 Is that safe? 241 00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:29,173 ‐ You tell me in two to three minutes. 242 00:08:29,168 --> 00:08:30,838 I guess they fracked this powder 243 00:08:30,838 --> 00:08:32,298 and then they combined it with another powder, 244 00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:34,550 and now it's a liquid? 245 00:08:34,554 --> 00:08:35,814 Anyway, pregnant women can't touch the bottle. 246 00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:37,636 What's up? 247 00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:40,273 ‐ I have been accused of being cold and avoidant, 248 00:08:40,274 --> 00:08:43,864 so I wanted to drop off this invitation in person. 249 00:08:43,864 --> 00:08:46,204 ‐ Billy, you're moving to L. A. 250 00:08:46,202 --> 00:08:50,462 and you tell me by inviting me to your going away party? 251 00:08:50,461 --> 00:08:52,131 ‐ Is that no bueno? 252 00:08:52,131 --> 00:08:53,681 ‐ What the fuck? 253 00:08:53,675 --> 00:08:55,385 [chuckles] 254 00:08:55,387 --> 00:08:57,097 I respect your lack of sentimentality, 255 00:08:57,099 --> 00:08:58,639 but this is just not how you say good‐bye. 256 00:08:58,644 --> 00:08:59,984 This is not how people say good‐bye. 257 00:08:59,980 --> 00:09:01,320 ‐ I'm not saying good‐bye! 258 00:09:01,316 --> 00:09:02,686 I'm just‐‐I'm going out there 259 00:09:02,693 --> 00:09:04,203 for pilot season, and then if‐‐ 260 00:09:04,197 --> 00:09:06,197 ‐ If you book something, you'll stay? 261 00:09:06,201 --> 00:09:07,871 And maybe you'll stay in touch with me and maybe you won't? 262 00:09:07,870 --> 00:09:09,870 ‐ Todd, you are making a way bigger deal 263 00:09:09,874 --> 00:09:12,054 about this than you should, okay? 264 00:09:12,046 --> 00:09:13,796 Like when Gigi Hadid's publicist told her 265 00:09:13,799 --> 00:09:15,839 she was hosting the American Music Awards. 266 00:09:15,844 --> 00:09:17,604 ‐ That was a star‐making moment for Gigi. 267 00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:20,348 ‐ That was a host‐making moment for Gigi. 268 00:09:20,354 --> 00:09:25,034 ‐ Hey, I gotta get back to work. 269 00:09:25,030 --> 00:09:27,790 ‐ Okay. 270 00:09:27,785 --> 00:09:30,915 ‐ But just FYI about the water: 271 00:09:30,916 --> 00:09:33,586 my tongue is burning, and I can't feel my ears. 272 00:09:33,588 --> 00:09:35,508 And I'm usually not aware of my ears, 273 00:09:35,509 --> 00:09:38,099 but now it feels like they're missing. 274 00:09:38,098 --> 00:09:39,228 ‐ So no bueno? 275 00:09:39,225 --> 00:09:41,515 ♪ ♪ 276 00:09:41,521 --> 00:09:43,031 ‐ Nickname, 277 00:09:43,025 --> 00:09:44,735 I think I'm having a panic attack. 278 00:09:44,736 --> 00:09:46,736 Something is clearly askew: 279 00:09:46,740 --> 00:09:50,000 I forgot to match my pocket square with my socket square. 280 00:09:49,997 --> 00:09:51,917 ‐ What? Arthur, 281 00:09:51,916 --> 00:09:53,546 What are you talking about? 282 00:09:53,545 --> 00:09:55,625 Is this about your dead friends at PBS? 283 00:09:55,632 --> 00:09:57,512 I told you, they're happier in hell than they were in Florida. 284 00:09:57,511 --> 00:09:59,641 I wrote my mother's entire book last night. 285 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,480 Sleepy Jubees needs a nap. 286 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:05,240 ‐ I know you're tired, but I have to testify 287 00:10:05,235 --> 00:10:07,525 on behalf of PBS in front of Congress. 288 00:10:07,531 --> 00:10:10,251 You're a seasoned performer. Give me some tips. 289 00:10:10,245 --> 00:10:11,495 ‐ Okay, well, here's your first tip: 290 00:10:11,498 --> 00:10:13,248 never call a woman "seasoned." 291 00:10:13,251 --> 00:10:15,761 And acting is just imitating 292 00:10:15,756 --> 00:10:17,966 somebody else's acting, then passing it off as your own 293 00:10:17,969 --> 00:10:20,979 like Christian Slater did with Jack Nicholson, 294 00:10:20,975 --> 00:10:23,765 or Mark Wahlberg did with a pile of bricks. 295 00:10:23,772 --> 00:10:25,442 ‐ Okay, that's good. Who shall I act like? 296 00:10:25,442 --> 00:10:27,862 James Cagney? 297 00:10:27,863 --> 00:10:30,083 Buddy Ebson. 298 00:10:30,077 --> 00:10:31,997 Hector Elizando. 299 00:10:31,997 --> 00:10:34,667 ‐ [snoring] 300 00:10:34,669 --> 00:10:36,919 ‐ To my wonderful husband, 301 00:10:36,923 --> 00:10:38,433 who's forcing me to pretend 302 00:10:38,427 --> 00:10:39,677 that I care that Billy is leaving, 303 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:41,309 even though you know I don't. 304 00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:42,687 [all scream] ‐ What the hell? 305 00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:45,015 ‐ Calm down, you babies. 306 00:10:45,023 --> 00:10:46,403 I just upgraded to this ski mask 307 00:10:46,401 --> 00:10:48,361 because I learned that makeup 308 00:10:48,363 --> 00:10:51,333 contains tiny transmitters that report your location. 309 00:10:51,327 --> 00:10:54,037 When you use products from the United States of Sephora, 310 00:10:54,041 --> 00:10:57,921 Uncle Sam knows exactly where you are. 311 00:10:57,923 --> 00:11:00,803 ‐ Lola, please‐‐ it's Billy's night. 312 00:11:00,804 --> 00:11:03,194 ‐ I got cast on "Supermarket Sweep!" 313 00:11:03,185 --> 00:11:04,685 ‐ Oh, my god! 314 00:11:04,687 --> 00:11:07,437 That's a real reason to celebrate! 315 00:11:07,443 --> 00:11:09,113 ‐ All right, let me just take these‐‐ 316 00:11:09,113 --> 00:11:10,783 ‐ I'm sorry‐‐what the fuck 317 00:11:10,782 --> 00:11:12,042 do you think you're doing? 318 00:11:12,036 --> 00:11:13,536 I'm still working on this! 319 00:11:13,538 --> 00:11:15,458 ‐ I'm sorry. She hasn't slept in days. 320 00:11:15,459 --> 00:11:17,669 ‐ Oh, I'm gonna get you some apology fries. 321 00:11:17,671 --> 00:11:19,131 ‐ Yeah, see that you do. 322 00:11:19,133 --> 00:11:20,473 ‐ All right. ‐ Fuckin' Tony Hale. 323 00:11:20,469 --> 00:11:22,599 ‐ Fucking Tony Hale. 324 00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:25,348 ‐ So anyway, the "Sweep" producers showed me this 325 00:11:25,354 --> 00:11:29,364 darling little movie about how psychotherapy murders people 326 00:11:29,362 --> 00:11:31,992 And then they had me hold these two little metal cans 327 00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:34,372 that were called, like, um, like a she‐meter? 328 00:11:34,372 --> 00:11:36,252 ‐ Matthew, that sounds like Scient‐‐ 329 00:11:36,251 --> 00:11:37,841 ‐ Nuh‐nuh‐nuh. Shh. Let's see how this plays out. 330 00:11:37,836 --> 00:11:39,376 ‐ So proud of you. So proud of you. 331 00:11:39,382 --> 00:11:41,302 [cell phone rings] ‐ It's Todd. 332 00:11:41,302 --> 00:11:43,392 ‐ Hey, are you coming? 333 00:11:43,390 --> 00:11:45,850 ‐ Well, what's the point if it's not really good‐bye? 334 00:11:45,852 --> 00:11:47,982 ‐ Well, no, I told you it's not a good‐bye party. 335 00:11:47,983 --> 00:11:51,163 It's just‐‐it's just a party. 336 00:11:51,155 --> 00:11:52,695 ‐ Maybe call me once you get to LA 337 00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:55,080 and realize you're all alone, okay? 338 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:58,170 ‐ Looky, looky, looky, looky, looky, looky. 339 00:11:58,169 --> 00:11:59,339 ‐ What the fuck are these? 340 00:11:59,338 --> 00:12:00,918 Apology fries have cheese! 341 00:12:00,924 --> 00:12:02,184 Cheese! 342 00:12:02,177 --> 00:12:03,757 ‐ [screams] Fuck! 343 00:12:03,763 --> 00:12:04,773 Fuck! 344 00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:06,345 ‐ Oh, stupid Tony. 345 00:12:06,352 --> 00:12:08,232 Get your shit together, Hale! 346 00:12:08,231 --> 00:12:09,651 Shit! Shit. 347 00:12:14,744 --> 00:12:15,754 ‐ Billy. 348 00:12:15,746 --> 00:12:17,286 Billy! 349 00:12:17,291 --> 00:12:18,841 Billy, what's going on? Talk to me. 350 00:12:18,835 --> 00:12:21,255 ‐ What's going on is that I'm full of shit. 351 00:12:21,257 --> 00:12:22,587 Todd was right: not saying good‐bye 352 00:12:22,593 --> 00:12:24,353 doesn't mean I'm not leaving. 353 00:12:24,347 --> 00:12:25,887 I don't want to lose you. 354 00:12:25,891 --> 00:12:27,981 ‐ I know I should say something supportive, 355 00:12:27,979 --> 00:12:30,689 but what's to become of me, Billy? 356 00:12:30,692 --> 00:12:32,992 I don't want to be the free radical of hags, 357 00:12:32,989 --> 00:12:34,489 floating around without a partner! 358 00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,252 Think about all the terrible gays 359 00:12:36,245 --> 00:12:38,205 I could attract as a new best friend: 360 00:12:38,208 --> 00:12:41,258 a guy that does autobiographical shows at piano bars, 361 00:12:41,255 --> 00:12:42,755 someone in fashion! 362 00:12:42,758 --> 00:12:44,598 ‐ What about me? 363 00:12:44,595 --> 00:12:46,215 What kind of nightmare hags in LA am I gonna attract? 364 00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:48,854 A burlesque dancer! A Groundling! 365 00:12:48,853 --> 00:12:50,573 ‐ I'm gonna throw up. 366 00:12:50,565 --> 00:12:52,355 ‐ A Groundling, Julie! ‐ I'm gonna throw up! 367 00:12:52,361 --> 00:12:54,991 ‐ A Groundling! 368 00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:56,701 ‐ What if I come with you? 369 00:12:56,703 --> 00:12:59,463 ‐ No, you can't come with me. That's crazy. 370 00:12:59,458 --> 00:13:01,798 ‐ Just enough time to get you settled. 371 00:13:01,796 --> 00:13:04,426 ‐ I guess that would mean that we'd never have to 372 00:13:04,427 --> 00:13:06,677 say good‐bye or deal with our feelings! 373 00:13:06,681 --> 00:13:09,941 ‐ Billiam, let's go ruin another city! 374 00:13:09,937 --> 00:13:11,017 ‐ Yes! 375 00:13:15,449 --> 00:13:17,239 ‐ Welcome to Los Angeles! 376 00:13:17,244 --> 00:13:19,964 I'm Cashton, the manager here at Orenthal rental car. 377 00:13:19,958 --> 00:13:21,588 I'm more of a performer than an actor, 378 00:13:21,586 --> 00:13:22,836 but, yes, I can sing. 379 00:13:22,838 --> 00:13:24,928 Here's my headshot and résumé 380 00:13:24,925 --> 00:13:26,755 and a printed out list of inflammatory foods 381 00:13:26,763 --> 00:13:28,733 my nutritionist recommends avoiding. 382 00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:30,055 How was y'all's flight? 383 00:13:30,061 --> 00:13:31,361 [cell phone rings] 384 00:13:31,355 --> 00:13:33,685 ‐ Oh, shit. It's Arthur. 385 00:13:33,693 --> 00:13:36,283 Hi. I am so sorry 386 00:13:36,282 --> 00:13:38,122 I forgot to tell you that I left for LA. 387 00:13:38,119 --> 00:13:39,959 ‐ How long will you be there? 388 00:13:39,956 --> 00:13:42,456 ‐ Just long enough to make sure Billy's settled. 389 00:13:42,461 --> 00:13:43,961 But, honestly, who knows? 390 00:13:43,964 --> 00:13:45,224 Maybe I'll really love it out here 391 00:13:45,217 --> 00:13:46,637 and both of us can move here. 392 00:13:46,636 --> 00:13:52,106 ‐ [laughing hysterically] 393 00:13:52,105 --> 00:13:56,065 [continues laughing hysterically] 394 00:13:56,072 --> 00:13:58,872 ‐ Okay, love you. Bye. 395 00:13:58,868 --> 00:14:01,078 ‐ It'll be fine. You've done worse. 396 00:14:01,082 --> 00:14:02,082 ‐ That's true. 397 00:14:02,084 --> 00:14:03,714 [slaps] 398 00:14:03,711 --> 00:14:04,971 ‐ What kind of car are y'all looking for? 399 00:14:04,965 --> 00:14:06,085 ‐ [stammers] 400 00:14:06,092 --> 00:14:08,102 Yellow. ‐ Blue? 401 00:14:08,096 --> 00:14:09,676 ‐ I have a hybrid coupe. 402 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,352 ‐ Ooh! ‐ Oh, coupe. I've heard of that. 403 00:14:11,352 --> 00:14:12,812 ‐ Yeah, me too. It's like the Beach Boys. 404 00:14:12,813 --> 00:14:14,823 ‐ Yeah, it's like fun. ‐ And big. 405 00:14:14,817 --> 00:14:16,237 ♪ ♪ 406 00:14:16,237 --> 00:14:18,197 ‐ So what should we do first? 407 00:14:18,199 --> 00:14:19,699 Should we do the Harrison Ford tour of plane crash sites? 408 00:14:19,702 --> 00:14:21,252 ‐ Oh, let's go to the Magic Castle 409 00:14:21,247 --> 00:14:22,327 and vandalize Neil Patrick Harris' car. 410 00:14:22,332 --> 00:14:24,302 ‐ Yes! 411 00:14:24,295 --> 00:14:25,965 I just want to drop off my stuff first, if that's okay. 412 00:14:25,965 --> 00:14:27,505 It says here the place I'm staying, 413 00:14:27,509 --> 00:14:29,889 The Silkwood, is only 5 miles away. 414 00:14:29,889 --> 00:14:31,429 "The Silkwood, short‐term housing 415 00:14:31,434 --> 00:14:33,104 "for people who haven't yet accepted 416 00:14:33,104 --> 00:14:34,944 they will be in Los Angeles forever." 417 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,740 ‐ And it's only five miles away? ‐ That's what it says. 418 00:14:36,736 --> 00:14:38,276 ‐ That's perfect. We'll drop off your stuff; 419 00:14:38,281 --> 00:14:39,491 we'll have the whole day ahead of us! 420 00:14:39,491 --> 00:14:40,541 ‐ I love it. 421 00:14:40,535 --> 00:14:42,785 [horns honking] 422 00:14:42,789 --> 00:14:46,209 Hey, why are they all stopped up there? 423 00:14:46,213 --> 00:14:48,133 ‐ Ugh. 424 00:14:48,134 --> 00:14:49,684 That traffic was like the first scene in "La La Land." 425 00:14:49,678 --> 00:14:51,348 It sucked. 426 00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:54,769 ‐ Hello? Is anybody here? 427 00:14:54,772 --> 00:14:56,192 [elevator dings] 428 00:15:00,575 --> 00:15:03,955 ‐ Welcome to The Silkwood. 429 00:15:03,958 --> 00:15:07,798 I'm Joan Gentile. I'm the landlady here. 430 00:15:07,798 --> 00:15:10,138 It was the pictures that got small. 431 00:15:10,136 --> 00:15:12,176 I'm not a ghost. 432 00:15:12,182 --> 00:15:14,352 Would you like to show yourselves around? 433 00:15:14,353 --> 00:15:15,773 ‐ Oh, yeah. 434 00:15:15,772 --> 00:15:16,942 That'd be great. Thank you. 435 00:15:16,941 --> 00:15:18,191 [chuckles] 436 00:15:21,784 --> 00:15:24,584 ‐ My husband was a homosexual too. 437 00:15:27,964 --> 00:15:30,394 ‐ "The Silkwood boasts family‐style housing 438 00:15:30,385 --> 00:15:32,095 "for stage moms and the kids 439 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,597 "they force to live out their broken dreams. 440 00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:36,521 "Children are tutored poolside, 441 00:15:36,522 --> 00:15:39,652 "which we call home‐pooling instead of home‐schooling. 442 00:15:39,653 --> 00:15:41,913 Get it?" 443 00:15:41,907 --> 00:15:43,827 ‐ Yeah, I get it. 444 00:15:47,002 --> 00:15:49,302 ‐ Let's find my apartment. 445 00:15:49,298 --> 00:15:53,098 ‐ "This part of The Silkwood was originally a mental hospital 446 00:15:53,097 --> 00:15:54,887 "that burned for three days straight 447 00:15:54,892 --> 00:15:56,982 "but never turned to ash. 448 00:15:56,980 --> 00:15:58,820 "Now it houses men who are depressed 449 00:15:58,816 --> 00:16:00,396 for all kinds of reasons." 450 00:16:02,115 --> 00:16:04,905 ‐ The weather's nice. 451 00:16:04,912 --> 00:16:07,672 Home sweet home! 452 00:16:17,229 --> 00:16:21,149 [woman moaning, screaming distantly] 453 00:16:21,153 --> 00:16:22,533 It looked different online. 454 00:16:22,531 --> 00:16:23,531 ‐ How so? 455 00:16:27,082 --> 00:16:28,502 ‐ I can't believe we're saying good‐bye to this place. 456 00:16:28,501 --> 00:16:30,091 This was our dream. 457 00:16:30,088 --> 00:16:31,798 ‐ I've only known you a day and a half, 458 00:16:31,799 --> 00:16:34,349 but it is really hard to break up the gang. 459 00:16:34,346 --> 00:16:36,426 ‐ This is the saddest day of my life‐‐ 460 00:16:36,433 --> 00:16:39,023 watching the government shut down another small business. 461 00:16:39,022 --> 00:16:40,652 I feel as useless as the CrossFit equipment 462 00:16:40,650 --> 00:16:42,450 in Mitch McConnell's basement. 463 00:16:42,445 --> 00:16:44,575 ‐ I'm sorry we couldn't raise the money. 464 00:16:44,575 --> 00:16:45,995 ‐ Look, there was just no way we were gonna 465 00:16:45,995 --> 00:16:47,705 come up with that kind of cash. 466 00:16:47,706 --> 00:16:49,376 ‐ Wait, you guys had the option to buy the cafe? 467 00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:51,256 Why didn't you say so? I have money in savings. 468 00:16:51,255 --> 00:16:52,665 ‐ How much money? 469 00:17:02,987 --> 00:17:05,027 ‐ I can't see that far away. 470 00:17:05,033 --> 00:17:06,203 ‐ [humming the Popeye song] ♪ De‐de‐DEE‐de‐de‐de‐duh ♪ 471 00:17:06,202 --> 00:17:08,082 ♪ "Supermarket Sweep!" ♪ 472 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:11,500 ‐ Matty, you came in your sailor costume to cheer me up! 473 00:17:11,503 --> 00:17:14,053 ‐ Also because I have wonderful news! 474 00:17:14,051 --> 00:17:16,311 I've been asked to join a boat‐based division 475 00:17:16,305 --> 00:17:19,265 of "Supermarket Sweep" called the Sea Orj! 476 00:17:19,269 --> 00:17:21,939 ‐ The Sea Org. 477 00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:24,241 ‐ No, it's "orj," like orgy. 478 00:17:24,238 --> 00:17:29,788 Anyway, the producers asked me to sign a billion‐year contract. 479 00:17:29,790 --> 00:17:31,090 ‐ What? [laughs] 480 00:17:31,085 --> 00:17:32,585 ‐ And I'm doing it. 481 00:17:32,587 --> 00:17:33,627 ‐ [sighs] 482 00:17:33,631 --> 00:17:35,511 Good‐bye forever! 483 00:17:35,510 --> 00:17:36,930 [doors clattering] 484 00:17:36,929 --> 00:17:38,059 ‐ Push. 485 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,887 [doors clattering] 486 00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,313 ALL: Push! 487 00:17:41,313 --> 00:17:42,523 ‐ Oh. 488 00:17:43,943 --> 00:17:45,953 ‐ [sighs] Ah, West Hollywood. 489 00:17:45,947 --> 00:17:48,237 I could choke on the smell of prep and spray tan 490 00:17:48,244 --> 00:17:50,754 if it weren't for the smog evening them out. 491 00:17:50,748 --> 00:17:52,458 ‐ Yeah, but there's space, 492 00:17:52,460 --> 00:17:54,090 and people pee where they're supposed to‐‐ 493 00:17:54,089 --> 00:17:56,389 in toilets, or each others' mouths. 494 00:17:56,385 --> 00:17:59,305 My god, how'd you get so sunburned so quickly? 495 00:17:59,308 --> 00:18:00,348 Is that just since we parked the car? 496 00:18:00,351 --> 00:18:01,851 ‐ Yep. 497 00:18:01,854 --> 00:18:03,574 Hey, will you check the guidebook 498 00:18:03,566 --> 00:18:04,856 for somewhere to eat, someplace that doesn't 499 00:18:04,860 --> 00:18:06,030 have fruit listed as dessert? 500 00:18:06,030 --> 00:18:07,160 ‐ Oh, yeah. Sure. 501 00:18:07,157 --> 00:18:09,157 ‐ Welcome! ‐ Hi. 502 00:18:09,161 --> 00:18:11,461 Would you like to sit in the "bread" or "no bread" section? 503 00:18:13,044 --> 00:18:16,014 Aww. Bread it is. 504 00:18:16,008 --> 00:18:18,468 ‐ Oh, my god, Julie, this place is a landmark. 505 00:18:18,471 --> 00:18:20,021 One of these tables is where Bryan Singer's 506 00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:22,016 accusers first met with their lawyer. 507 00:18:22,020 --> 00:18:24,980 ‐ Would you like a laptop cord, or did you bring your own? 508 00:18:24,984 --> 00:18:26,494 ‐ Excuse me? 509 00:18:26,487 --> 00:18:28,027 ‐ I assumed you were a writer, 510 00:18:28,032 --> 00:18:29,582 based on your age, weight, and bread. 511 00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:31,156 ‐ No, thank you. 512 00:18:31,163 --> 00:18:32,963 But I did have a question about the menu. 513 00:18:32,958 --> 00:18:35,758 What's the closest thing you guys have to a hot dog? 514 00:18:35,755 --> 00:18:38,545 ‐ We do have a Downward Facing Dog, it's like an ex‐‐ 515 00:18:38,552 --> 00:18:40,432 ‐ Fuck you. ‐ Okay. 516 00:18:40,431 --> 00:18:43,651 I'll be back to tell you about my roller derby team. 517 00:18:43,646 --> 00:18:44,936 ‐ Hey. Hi. ‐ [gasps] 518 00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:46,280 I don't work here. 519 00:18:46,276 --> 00:18:48,356 My name is Flute, and I'm a doula. 520 00:18:48,364 --> 00:18:53,174 And you seem pregnant. So I'd love to give you my card. 521 00:18:53,165 --> 00:18:55,245 It would be my absolute privilege 522 00:18:55,253 --> 00:18:59,973 to go on this journey with you. 523 00:18:59,971 --> 00:19:03,021 ‐ Billy, I don't know how much more of this I can take. 524 00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:05,228 ‐ Don't look now, but Terrance Howard is at the 525 00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:07,821 table behind you, and he just took out his classical guitar. 526 00:19:07,819 --> 00:19:09,319 [classical guitar music] ‐ Oh, my god! 527 00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:11,292 We have to get out of here. ‐ I know. 528 00:19:11,285 --> 00:19:12,495 ♪ ♪ 529 00:19:12,495 --> 00:19:14,245 ‐ Dr. Ben Carson, it's me. 530 00:19:14,249 --> 00:19:16,299 Dr. Marilyn Kessler. 531 00:19:16,295 --> 00:19:18,755 Remember we met in Maryland at that one country club 532 00:19:18,757 --> 00:19:20,467 that let both of us in? 533 00:19:20,470 --> 00:19:22,310 Well, I'm just calling for patient referrals. 534 00:19:22,307 --> 00:19:24,477 Not that I think my book is going to fail. 535 00:19:24,478 --> 00:19:25,938 Oh‐‐hold on. I have another call. 536 00:19:25,938 --> 00:19:27,688 Hold on. Yes? 537 00:19:27,692 --> 00:19:29,452 ‐ Marilyn Kessler. 538 00:19:29,446 --> 00:19:31,156 I had a bet going with my assistant about whether 539 00:19:31,158 --> 00:19:32,868 you'd have to return your advance. 540 00:19:32,869 --> 00:19:36,879 Anyway, long story short, now he has to fuck me. 541 00:19:36,877 --> 00:19:39,417 ‐ I'm not sure who lost that bet. 542 00:19:39,424 --> 00:19:41,304 But did you like my book? 543 00:19:41,303 --> 00:19:42,973 ‐ No. 544 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,523 I fucking love it! 545 00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:45,898 ‐ Really??? 546 00:19:45,895 --> 00:19:47,105 ‐ I'm pushing up its release date. 547 00:19:47,106 --> 00:19:48,566 This book will even outsell 548 00:19:48,567 --> 00:19:50,147 "The Outsider Art of the DC Sniper." 549 00:19:50,154 --> 00:19:53,084 ‐ Oh, Veronica, I am over the moon! 550 00:19:53,077 --> 00:19:54,787 ‐ I just have one question 551 00:19:54,788 --> 00:19:56,538 before I get back to hog‐tying my assistant. 552 00:19:56,542 --> 00:19:58,172 This book is so different from everything else 553 00:19:58,170 --> 00:20:00,760 you've sent me so far. What happened? 554 00:20:00,758 --> 00:20:03,428 ‐ Well, I guess I just found my voice 555 00:20:03,430 --> 00:20:05,140 and learned how to use her. 556 00:20:05,142 --> 00:20:06,192 It. 557 00:20:06,186 --> 00:20:07,646 My‐‐my voice. 558 00:20:07,647 --> 00:20:09,107 My voice. 559 00:20:09,109 --> 00:20:10,239 My‐‐me. 560 00:20:10,236 --> 00:20:12,236 Me. 561 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,450 ‐ [tiny voice] Distinguished members of the committee, 562 00:20:14,452 --> 00:20:16,042 I am here to remind you 563 00:20:16,039 --> 00:20:19,879 of the importance of public broadcasting. 564 00:20:19,879 --> 00:20:22,339 In 1970‐‐ 565 00:20:22,343 --> 00:20:23,683 In‐‐ 566 00:20:23,679 --> 00:20:25,929 In 1970, our‐‐ Oh. 567 00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:26,943 Uh... 568 00:20:30,693 --> 00:20:32,913 [as Cary Grant] I meant to do that. 569 00:20:32,905 --> 00:20:35,745 Please accept my most sincere apologies. 570 00:20:35,745 --> 00:20:38,575 ‐ Are you doing Cary Grant? 571 00:20:38,584 --> 00:20:41,214 Are you doing Tony Curtis doing Cary Grant? 572 00:20:41,214 --> 00:20:44,974 ‐ Oh. [as Jimmy Cagney] You dirty rat! 573 00:20:44,972 --> 00:20:47,062 ‐ Well, I certainly didn't expect to be called 574 00:20:47,060 --> 00:20:48,900 a dirty rat this morning. 575 00:20:48,896 --> 00:20:50,356 Next! 576 00:20:50,358 --> 00:20:52,028 ‐ Come on, Arthur. Imitate somebody. 577 00:20:52,028 --> 00:20:54,368 Who would deal with this situation best? 578 00:20:54,366 --> 00:21:00,126 ‐ Cheese! 579 00:21:00,127 --> 00:21:02,087 [mimics Julie in the restaurant] Oh, I'm sorry‐‐ 580 00:21:02,090 --> 00:21:03,970 what the fuck do you think you're doing? 581 00:21:03,968 --> 00:21:05,758 ‐ Reynolds, put back the water 582 00:21:05,763 --> 00:21:07,773 and bring him some apology fries as well. 583 00:21:09,437 --> 00:21:10,937 ‐ Now... 584 00:21:10,940 --> 00:21:12,490 here's what's gonna do. 585 00:21:12,485 --> 00:21:14,695 You're gonna give PBS the money we need, 586 00:21:14,698 --> 00:21:16,738 and you're going to do it now. 587 00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:19,003 Apology fries have cheese! 588 00:21:18,998 --> 00:21:20,788 ♪ ♪ 589 00:21:20,793 --> 00:21:23,723 ‐ Hey, Billy, not that my positivity 590 00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:25,756 is wearing thin or anything, 591 00:21:25,761 --> 00:21:27,471 but do you think there's, like, a tram 592 00:21:27,473 --> 00:21:29,483 that could take us up to the top of this... 593 00:21:29,477 --> 00:21:31,977 I want to say, dirt building? 594 00:21:31,983 --> 00:21:34,533 ‐ Oh no, Jules, you look even redder than before. 595 00:21:34,529 --> 00:21:36,579 Do you have a particularly high Rotten Tomatoes score 596 00:21:36,575 --> 00:21:38,195 or is your sunburn getting worse? 597 00:21:38,203 --> 00:21:39,713 ‐ I think it might be having 598 00:21:39,706 --> 00:21:40,706 an allergic reaction to that bread. 599 00:21:40,708 --> 00:21:42,128 ‐ Of course! 600 00:21:42,128 --> 00:21:43,668 There's no gluten in bread in LA. 601 00:21:43,672 --> 00:21:45,382 it's all nuts and sap. ‐ Oh, shit. 602 00:21:45,384 --> 00:21:47,354 I don't think I'm going into anaphylactic shock, 603 00:21:47,346 --> 00:21:48,676 but maybe we should get a fresh Epi‐Pen 604 00:21:48,682 --> 00:21:49,892 just to be safe, you know? 605 00:21:49,893 --> 00:21:51,063 ‐ Hey! Hey! Pregnant writer? 606 00:21:51,062 --> 00:21:53,192 It's me, Flute the doula! 607 00:21:53,192 --> 00:21:56,032 And lucky for you, I'm also a licensed healologist 608 00:21:56,031 --> 00:21:57,701 with a specialty in eavesdropping. 609 00:21:57,700 --> 00:21:59,450 And I heard that maybe you thought 610 00:21:59,454 --> 00:22:01,294 you were having some kind of allergic reaction? 611 00:22:01,291 --> 00:22:03,131 ‐ Yeah, do you know where the closest pharmacy is? 612 00:22:03,128 --> 00:22:04,968 Because we can't any cell phone reception up here. 613 00:22:04,965 --> 00:22:07,085 ‐ Wow, pharmacies. 614 00:22:07,094 --> 00:22:10,274 I mean, I could direct you to the nearest "CVS." 615 00:22:10,267 --> 00:22:14,777 but I think this would actually help you a lot more. 616 00:22:14,776 --> 00:22:16,486 It's my healologist license. 617 00:22:17,865 --> 00:22:19,535 Call me when you're ready for the medicine 618 00:22:19,536 --> 00:22:21,036 that will really help you: 619 00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:22,829 me telling you over and over again 620 00:22:22,834 --> 00:22:25,844 that whatever you're feeling is all in your head. 621 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:27,470 ‐ Please don't take this the wrong way, Flute, 622 00:22:27,468 --> 00:22:29,598 but I hope you die of a preventable disease. 623 00:22:29,597 --> 00:22:31,727 Let's go get you an Epi‐Pen. Excuse us. 624 00:22:31,726 --> 00:22:34,186 ‐ Holy shit! Is that a fucking rattlesnake? 625 00:22:34,190 --> 00:22:35,780 ‐ [screams] 626 00:22:35,776 --> 00:22:37,696 ‐ Holy shit! 627 00:22:37,697 --> 00:22:39,027 Is that Aaron Sorkin meeting with the Duplass brothers? 628 00:22:39,033 --> 00:22:41,333 ‐ [screams] ‐ No! No! 629 00:22:41,329 --> 00:22:43,459 ‐ Oh, shit. We're trapped. 630 00:22:43,458 --> 00:22:45,628 We're trapped! Where do we go? 631 00:22:45,629 --> 00:22:47,339 ‐ Well, first we're going to CVS, 632 00:22:47,341 --> 00:22:49,601 and then I'm dropping you off at the airport. 633 00:22:49,596 --> 00:22:52,686 ‐ What? No, no, no! 634 00:22:52,685 --> 00:22:54,725 I'm supposed to stay here until you get settled! 635 00:22:54,731 --> 00:22:56,321 ‐ We've been in L. A. 24 hours, 636 00:22:56,318 --> 00:22:58,358 and you might actually die. 637 00:22:58,363 --> 00:22:59,993 ‐ But how are we going to stay in touch? 638 00:22:59,992 --> 00:23:02,252 ‐ We'll Facetime and we'll Skype 639 00:23:02,246 --> 00:23:04,126 and, you know, we'll text each other 640 00:23:04,125 --> 00:23:06,835 more constantly than we already do. 641 00:23:06,838 --> 00:23:08,218 It will be okay. 642 00:23:08,216 --> 00:23:09,756 ‐ Will it? 643 00:23:09,761 --> 00:23:12,601 ‐ I don't know. 644 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,270 I don't know. 645 00:23:18,946 --> 00:23:21,866 ‐ Hello. Welcome to Lola's D's Café. 646 00:23:21,868 --> 00:23:23,708 Here is a menu, 647 00:23:23,705 --> 00:23:26,165 and a complimentary surveillance‐free mascara. 648 00:23:26,169 --> 00:23:27,669 Because beauty is knowing 649 00:23:27,672 --> 00:23:29,432 the government isn't watching you. 650 00:23:29,425 --> 00:23:31,805 I'll be back to take your order 651 00:23:31,805 --> 00:23:33,765 and answer any questions you may have about the line 652 00:23:33,767 --> 00:23:35,597 of tracker‐free makeup I've created. 653 00:23:35,604 --> 00:23:38,494 ‐ I cannot believe she's actually our partner. 654 00:23:38,485 --> 00:23:42,275 ‐ We did the right thing. Lola saved us from Sephora. 655 00:23:42,284 --> 00:23:44,124 ‐ Hey, Lola, I don't get it. 656 00:23:44,122 --> 00:23:45,832 If you're this loaded, 657 00:23:45,833 --> 00:23:47,713 why were you waiting tables to begin with? 658 00:23:47,712 --> 00:23:49,882 ‐ I am passionate about the food service industry, 659 00:23:49,882 --> 00:23:51,642 especially now that I'm in charge. 660 00:23:51,636 --> 00:23:53,556 Did y'all read the new employee handbook? 661 00:23:53,557 --> 00:23:55,977 ‐ It opens with a chart connecting JFK's assassination 662 00:23:55,979 --> 00:23:57,729 to Marisa Tomei's Oscar. 663 00:23:57,732 --> 00:23:59,532 I couldn't understand that manifesto. 664 00:23:59,527 --> 00:24:01,237 ‐ You should take this job more seriously, 665 00:24:01,239 --> 00:24:03,079 since LA chewed you up and spit you out again 666 00:24:03,076 --> 00:24:04,946 like an actress eating lunch. 667 00:24:04,954 --> 00:24:06,464 ‐ Nobody spit me out. 668 00:24:06,458 --> 00:24:08,248 Except for that Uber driver. Pussy. 669 00:24:08,253 --> 00:24:10,883 I came back because I got cast on "Blue Bloods," 670 00:24:10,883 --> 00:24:12,643 which happens to shoot here. 671 00:24:12,636 --> 00:24:15,306 ‐ And it is not your fault, thespian. 672 00:24:15,309 --> 00:24:17,439 Percy the gay nephew got cut down to background. 673 00:24:17,438 --> 00:24:19,188 But they're gonna bring that little gay boy back, right? 674 00:24:19,192 --> 00:24:20,902 ‐ I mean, I hope they bring him back, 675 00:24:20,903 --> 00:24:22,243 Because, contractually, I'm not allowed 676 00:24:22,239 --> 00:24:23,579 to appear on any other shows. 677 00:24:23,575 --> 00:24:25,405 ‐ Uh, table for one. 678 00:24:25,412 --> 00:24:27,082 ‐ Matthew, oh, my god! 679 00:24:27,083 --> 00:24:29,173 [both squealing] 680 00:24:29,170 --> 00:24:32,840 ‐ Mama Dee, you are looking at the first homosexual 681 00:24:32,843 --> 00:24:34,973 to ever be kicked out of Scientology instead 682 00:24:34,973 --> 00:24:36,853 of being blackmailed to stay in. 683 00:24:36,851 --> 00:24:38,441 ‐ So you finally figured out 684 00:24:38,438 --> 00:24:40,028 there's no "Supermarket Sweep" reboot. 685 00:24:40,025 --> 00:24:42,485 ‐ Of course not. Don't be such an SP! 686 00:24:42,488 --> 00:24:44,578 ‐ Well, this is cause to celebrate. 687 00:24:44,575 --> 00:24:47,495 Matthew, you're rehired. 688 00:24:47,498 --> 00:24:49,378 Tony, you're fired. 689 00:24:49,377 --> 00:24:51,127 ‐ F it all to H. 690 00:24:51,131 --> 00:24:52,631 ‐ Hey‐‐ I'm part owner. 691 00:24:52,633 --> 00:24:54,723 I make these decisions, too. Tony... 692 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,100 ‐ Yes? ‐ You're fired. 693 00:24:56,099 --> 00:24:57,639 ‐ Damn it! 694 00:24:57,643 --> 00:24:58,903 Damn it! 695 00:24:58,895 --> 00:25:00,515 [screaming] 696 00:25:00,524 --> 00:25:02,744 ‐ Oh. Ben Carson? 697 00:25:02,736 --> 00:25:05,406 Have you been on hold all this time? 698 00:25:05,409 --> 00:25:07,289 I've got to go, I'm doing 699 00:25:07,288 --> 00:25:10,288 "Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen." 700 00:25:10,294 --> 00:25:12,134 [upbeat music] 701 00:25:12,131 --> 00:25:13,841 [cheers and applause] 702 00:25:13,842 --> 00:25:15,432 ‐ Welcome back to "Watch What Happens Live." 703 00:25:15,429 --> 00:25:17,139 I'm Andy Cohen, and I'm here with 704 00:25:17,141 --> 00:25:19,561 the best‐seller author of "Finding My Voice" 705 00:25:19,562 --> 00:25:22,192 and the Countess Luann's former therapist, 706 00:25:22,193 --> 00:25:24,283 Dr. Marilyn Kessler. 707 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,120 ‐ I cannot tell you how honored I am that I am here 708 00:25:27,119 --> 00:25:30,499 because you love my book so much I'm your only guest. 709 00:25:30,500 --> 00:25:33,510 ‐ Yeah, that's exactly why you're my only guest; 710 00:25:33,506 --> 00:25:35,086 not because Sheree Whitfield has been 711 00:25:35,093 --> 00:25:37,813 stuck in an elevator for the past 45 minutes. 712 00:25:37,806 --> 00:25:41,056 ‐ I agree, my book is extremely brave. 713 00:25:41,064 --> 00:25:42,574 ‐ I actually didn't‐‐ 714 00:25:42,566 --> 00:25:44,566 ‐ Well, Andy, you do not get to spend 715 00:25:44,570 --> 00:25:46,450 two months on top of "The New York Times" bestseller list 716 00:25:46,449 --> 00:25:48,369 if you're cowardly. 717 00:25:48,370 --> 00:25:51,830 ‐ Marilyn, you are very honest in your book about 718 00:25:51,834 --> 00:25:55,134 the pursuit of happiness without more antidepressants. 719 00:25:55,133 --> 00:25:56,973 ‐ Honest. 720 00:25:56,971 --> 00:25:58,851 ‐ What was your favorite part of writing the book? 721 00:25:58,848 --> 00:26:01,348 ‐ Getting my hair done, and raising my rates‐‐ 722 00:26:01,354 --> 00:26:03,324 well, and I mean helping people. 723 00:26:03,316 --> 00:26:07,236 And I enjoyed being there for the actual writing. 724 00:26:07,241 --> 00:26:10,621 It's rare that you get to spend so much time with your... 725 00:26:10,622 --> 00:26:12,632 voice... without fighting. 726 00:26:12,626 --> 00:26:14,046 ‐ I've been trying to become a writer 727 00:26:14,046 --> 00:26:15,626 so I don't become my mother. 728 00:26:15,632 --> 00:26:17,472 Now I finally have success as a writer, 729 00:26:17,469 --> 00:26:19,349 and all I had to do is become my mother. 730 00:26:19,348 --> 00:26:21,058 ‐ What are you watching? 731 00:26:21,060 --> 00:26:22,810 That doesn't sound like "Independent Lens." 732 00:26:22,813 --> 00:26:24,573 ‐ I had to take a break from PBS to watch my mom 733 00:26:24,567 --> 00:26:26,447 on "Watch What Happens Live" from last night. 734 00:26:26,446 --> 00:26:28,196 She's gonna quiz me about it later. 735 00:26:28,199 --> 00:26:29,449 ‐ Pencils down, Lady Foot Locker. 736 00:26:29,452 --> 00:26:31,082 Breakfast is served. 737 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:32,670 ‐ You know, I don't mean to sound ungrateful 738 00:26:32,666 --> 00:26:34,626 I know you got me the job and everything; 739 00:26:34,628 --> 00:26:38,258 it's just recapping PBS shows for PBS 740 00:26:38,261 --> 00:26:40,771 seems more useless than shaving your pussy 741 00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:43,146 before you go to a "Sound of Music" singalong. 742 00:26:43,146 --> 00:26:44,856 ‐ I can't disagree, but 743 00:26:44,857 --> 00:26:46,817 a lot of people enjoy PBS's Online Presence. 744 00:26:46,819 --> 00:26:48,619 ‐ [sighs] When do I get paid again? 745 00:26:48,615 --> 00:26:51,115 ‐ Ooh, funny you should ask, Senate Floor. 746 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:52,830 The government funding just came through! 747 00:26:52,831 --> 00:26:54,381 PBS finally got the check! 748 00:26:54,377 --> 00:26:57,047 ‐ Congratulations. ‐ ♪ Ta‐da ♪ 749 00:26:57,049 --> 00:26:58,759 ‐ That says "TBS." 750 00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:00,850 ‐ Yeah, they misunderstood. 751 00:27:00,847 --> 00:27:03,347 That's why it says "Very Funny" on the memo line. 752 00:27:03,353 --> 00:27:05,653 Anyway, it's easy to change a T to a P. 753 00:27:05,649 --> 00:27:11,619 ♪ ♪ 754 00:27:11,619 --> 00:27:13,249 ‐ I'm gone for 6 months, 755 00:27:13,248 --> 00:27:15,038 and they turned the Broadway Dance School 756 00:27:15,043 --> 00:27:17,013 into an NYU dorm with a Chase Bank in the lobby? 757 00:27:17,005 --> 00:27:19,045 ‐ Yeah, the only thing that never changes about New York 758 00:27:19,051 --> 00:27:20,261 is people in New York talking about 759 00:27:20,262 --> 00:27:21,392 how New York has changed. 760 00:27:21,389 --> 00:27:23,349 ‐ Very true. Hey. 761 00:27:23,351 --> 00:27:24,601 Todd's working late tonight. Do you wanna go see a movie? 762 00:27:24,603 --> 00:27:26,323 ‐ Yeah! 763 00:27:26,315 --> 00:27:27,935 I'm in the mood for something really awful, 764 00:27:27,943 --> 00:27:29,783 like maybe something from the Dirtyverse. 765 00:27:29,780 --> 00:27:32,120 ‐ Ah, you mean like, "Dirty Grandpa," "Bad Santa." 766 00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:34,709 ‐ "Bad Moms," "Bad Teacher," 767 00:27:34,707 --> 00:27:35,917 "Bad Grandpa," "Horrible Bosses." 768 00:27:35,917 --> 00:27:37,587 ‐ Yeah, "Crappy Cousin." 769 00:27:37,588 --> 00:27:39,428 ‐ "Lousy Abortionist." 770 00:27:39,425 --> 00:27:40,585 ‐ "Gross Ghost." 771 00:27:40,594 --> 00:27:42,144 ‐ "Perverted Architect." 772 00:27:42,139 --> 00:27:43,309 ‐ "Cunty Kid." 773 00:27:43,308 --> 00:27:45,598 [laughter] 774 00:27:45,604 --> 00:27:47,824 ‐ Should we really see "Dr. Doolittle 2," 775 00:27:47,816 --> 00:27:49,446 or should we just give that money 776 00:27:49,445 --> 00:27:51,405 to The Gay Men's Health Crisis? 777 00:27:51,407 --> 00:27:53,197 ‐ I'm having a Gay Men's Mental Health Crisis of my own 778 00:27:53,203 --> 00:27:55,173 just thinking about Eddie Murphy 779 00:27:55,165 --> 00:27:56,705 talking to an alligator with the voice of Kevin Pollak. 780 00:27:56,709 --> 00:27:58,839 ‐ [laughs] ‐ What else is playing? 781 00:27:58,838 --> 00:28:01,008 ‐ Well, if you're in the mood to watch "King Ralph," 782 00:28:01,010 --> 00:28:03,140 I happen to own a very expensive copy. 783 00:28:03,139 --> 00:28:04,929 ‐ Oh, I love "King Ralph!" ‐ Yeah. 784 00:28:04,934 --> 00:28:06,814 ‐ I'm Billy, by the way. ‐ I'm Julie. 785 00:28:06,812 --> 00:28:09,112 ‐ You know, I don't think I've ever said this once 786 00:28:09,109 --> 00:28:13,829 in my life, but it's nice to meet you. 787 00:28:13,826 --> 00:28:16,826 [Sondheim's "Old Friends" plays] 788 00:28:16,832 --> 00:28:23,812 ♪ ♪ 789 00:28:54,622 --> 00:28:56,892 WOMAN: La la la. Oh, my God.