‐ I'll be honest. When we first heard "CSI",
we hoped to be auditioning for
America's favorite franchise. ‐ Yeah, I was excited
to finally get the opportunity to prove
that Marg Helgenberger and I aren't the same person.
‐ Nope. CSI stands for casting stand‐ins.
I'm stand‐in super agent, Stan Din.
‐ He's serious. ‐ So, you know how this works.
You can't expect stars to stand on their marks all day
while the crew lights them.
So, you stand in.
It's kinda like being a star on the set of your own show,
only nothing you do will ever be seen
or matter to anyone.
‐ But it pays $200 a day, right?
‐ 250 if you're a close enough match from behind
for the shots the stars are too important to show up for.
‐ Is that why the head shots of all your clients
are from behind? ‐ Mostly.
In fact, if you guys can swivel around
for the rest of this interview, it would be a huge help.
‐ This is so degrading.
We should be collaborating with people we admire,
not standing in for them. ‐ I know.
This is bullshit. Let's just go home.
‐ Looking at you from this angle,
you're perfect for a high‐end gig. Interested?
both: You bet we are!
‐ So, tomorrow,
LOGO is shooting their upfronts
to announce their new lineup and debut their new tagline
since RuPaul left the network.
‐ "LOGO: Under construction. Bear with us."
Oh, and it's a bear with a construction cap,
and he's shrugging. ‐ They need stand‐ins
for Eric McCormack and Debra Messing.
‐ Oh, my God! That's perfect. ‐ That's perfect!
‐ Yes! They asked for homelier stand‐ins
with their hair color.
If lighting can make you two look good,
they got nothing to worry about.
‐ I'm so numb
that my feelings aren't even hurt
by what you just said.
I'm just so happy we have a job!
We have the job, don't we?
[feet shuffling on floor]
‐ Hmm.
‐ Are you jerking off?
‐ You want me to?
[driving punk rock music]
‐ What's going on, Mom?
I have an audition for "Nashville"
to play the ghost of Connie Britton from behind,
and I have a lot of deep conditioning to do.
‐ Well, as you know, my 65th birthday
is just around the corner. ‐ Oh, right, of course.
You're asking me for a favor. ‐ No...
I'm going to redeem a coupon.
‐ Mom, this is from, like, 30 years ago.
‐ Isn't that adorable?
That you didn't include an expiration date.
Which leads me to my birthday.
I'm going to celebrate by officially becoming a woman.
‐ You're getting vaginal rejuvenation surgery?
‐ I told you, I don't need that.
I've always wanted to have a bat mitzvah,
and your one nice thing is that you're gonna plan it for me.
‐ Mom, a bat mitzvah's a huge headache.
Don't you remember mine? The Torah classes,
the theme, the venue... ‐ I made you a mood board
so you can see the kind of things I'm looking for.
‐ Okay, that's a beach.
That's Jessica Chastain winning a Golden Globe.
I don't see how this translates to your bat mitzvah.
‐ All right, I tell you what.
Why don't you just handle the cake, the invites,
and you write me the greatest toast of a lifetime!
‐ Mom, that's a lotta work!
What makes you think I have that kind of time?
‐ I follow your Instagram.
‐ So how does this work? You visualize what you want
and then you just get it? Because all I do is
keep cutting out pictures of Nick Jonas.
‐ Mm. ‐ Oh, scissors!
It's the cast of "Bewitched."
‐ The Nicole Kidman remake? ‐ Yes, exactly.
I need to stab myself. No, it's the old one.
‐ I love your stories about how obsessed you were
with old '60s TV shows
when you were a weird little gay boy.
‐ Did I ever tell you that I once
wrote a fan letter to Mickey Dolenz?
‐ What? ‐ Yes. To ask him advice
on what to do with my curly hair.
‐ And he never wrote back? What a dick.
‐ Neil Kaplan is in a coma? ‐ Who is that again?
His name is familiar. ‐ He's a big showrunner.
He did that Gina Gershon sitcom, "Dumb Whore"
about the absentminded prostitute
with a peanut allergy. ‐ Yes! I remember that.
Why wasn't it called "The Nutty Hooker"?
‐ I have no idea.
Oh, but, hey, you can put Neil on your dream board.
Maybe you can get his job if he dies.
‐ Oh, that's a great idea!
Is it sad that a comatose showrunner
is something I can only dream to be?
‐ No.
♪ ♪
‐ Is there a Billy Epstein here?
‐ Oh, my God.
Oh...my...GOD!
Mickey Dolenz? Yes, I'm Billy!
I was just thinking about you the other night!
I put you on my dream board!
‐ I came to personally thank you
for your letter. ‐ What?!
Is this from 30 years ago?
I cannot believe this. Look at this.
Look at my handwriting!
Oh, I was so gay, even then. ‐ Well, it looks like
you got the curly hair thing all worked out.
Anyway, I've been doing some introspection.
I don't think I was as grateful as I could have been
back in the heyday of "Monkeemania."
So I'm thanking all my fans for their letters.
I'm up to the Es.
You're the seventh Epstein in Manhattan.
‐ I know, there are so many Jews here,
including Jared Kushner. Why am I talking about him?
Mickey Dolenz! Oh, my God!
‐ Well, I better get goin'.
Gotta catch the last train to‐‐
‐ Clarksville! ‐ Massapequa.
70‐year‐old woman there
who sent me a pair of her panties back in '78.
She wants me to take her to see "Jaws 2."
[chuckles]
[clicks tongue] ‐ Well, okay.
Bye, Mickey Dolenz!
Thank you!
‐ "Malala signs with CAA"?
Hasn't that girl suffered enough?
‐ Hello, farm to table.
What a long day. [door thuds closed]
It is pilot season at PBS.
The shows are so strong, it's gonna be hard to pick.
‐ You should do what every other network does
and never wants to take a chance on anything new.
I just read that ABC is doing a "Game of Thrones" rip‐off
called "Dragons and rape."
Oh, look! My old friend Kenny
is taking over for that showrunner
that went into a coma. Kenny was very, very funny.
‐ You never talk about old friends.
‐ Well, he and I used to fuck and I didn't mention it,
'cause I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
‐ Thank you, terms of service.
‐ I should find Kenny's email
and maybe he'll hire me to write on that show.
This dream board is really working!
‐ Yeah, this could be a good fit for you, bank pen.
Maybe this Kenny is spearheading
a weird, edgy, hard TV comedy.
‐ Like the ones they make at Adult Swim.
Only hopefully this network won't make women
use separate water fountains.
[laughs] I'm just kidding.
There are no women allowed at Adult Swim.
♪ ♪
Okay, Kenny,
I'm going to get right to the point.
I want you to hire me to write for your TV show.
‐ Oh‐‐[laughs] What a relief!
I thought‐‐I'm sorry‐‐ I thought you were
gonna tell me that that abortion that I paid you to get
you didn't get and that we have a 12‐year‐old kid somewhere!
‐ Oh, Christ, no! No, no, no!
Oh, Jesus! I did use the money
for something else, 'cause I wasn't actually pregnant,
but don't worry‐‐ we don't have a child together.
Thank God. ‐ So you wanna write for
"Fuzz Buddies." ‐ Yeah! "Fuzz Buddies."
I mean, it sounds so totally you, you know?
So Kenny, like, so wrong
and dirty and edgy...
‐ Julie, it's a kid's show for Nick Jr.
about a panda, a kitten, and a sunflower.
‐ Well, you have just described the show
I am most qualified to write for.
‐ You have experience writing for kids?
‐ No.
‐ You have kids. ‐ [laughs/chokes]
Gimme a break, Kenny.
Just 'cause I never had your abortion
doesn't mean I haven't punched some holes in my old PP card.
‐ Julie, I wanna help out,
but you don't sound like you have a lot of experience,
and the network is on me:
Find someone who's good with story.
‐ Story? Why didn't you say so?
They call me "The Story Machine."
Yeah. You know who calls me The Story Machine?
That showrunner who's in a coma.
The one you replaced. I mean, call him right now,
and he'd tell you how great I was,
but he's in that dang coma!
‐ If that's how Neil felt about you‐‐
‐ Yeah, Neil! Neil.
Neil, the guy in the coma.
Neil's the one who says that I'm that good.
‐ Now, no promises, but this is what we need.
I mean, we need this so badly. ‐ Thank you so much!
Oh, Kenny, I'm so glad we reconnected.
‐ No problem, yeah. ‐ You know, I just feel like
I should get this out of the way to clear the air.
Um...
in case any old feelings reemerge,
I have a boyfriend.
‐ Oh, no, I wasn't gonna‐‐
I wasn't gonna make a pass at you.
I mean, look, I'm sober now, so...
‐ Congrats.
Who are we even standing in for?
‐ I have no idea. I barely made it here.
I was up all night with Mickey Dolenz.
‐ He showed up at your place at 4:00 a. m.?
‐ With a guitar and a lot of stories.
‐ What does he want from you, a kidney?
Does he want to sleep with you?
Does he want your money? ‐ Well, if it's money he wants,
I don't have any. Might as well see where it goes.
What about you? Any update on the staff writing job?
‐ No. Should I send Kenny another picture of my tits?
DAN: Uh, let's set up the shot.
All right, guy, you are Mike Rinder.
And woman, you are Leah Remini.
‐ Oh, for the second season of the Scientology show.
‐ Yep. You guys are the cutaways
when they answer questions.
Uh, woman stand‐in, I need you to put on the nails.
Yeah. ‐ Oh...okay.
‐ All right, now, uh, scroll that iPad
in the weird way that Leah does.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. O‐okay, I'm getting a glare!
Hold!
[phones vibrating]
both: Hello?
both: Oh, my God!
I got the staff job!
‐ Mickey Dolenz is in the hospital,
and I'm his emergency contact.
‐ You win!
‐ Thanks for picking me up from the hospital.
They wouldn't let me leave without an escort.
‐ Yeah, sure. Here, let me get this chair for you.
Ah. You know...
I just have to ask.
How am I your emergency contact?
‐ Well, I don't have any family, and all my friends are dead.
‐ What about Peter Tork? ‐ He's more like a work friend.
Billy, I wasn't totally honest with you
about the fan mail.
Truth is... [exhales]
I'm dying.
‐ Mickey Dolenz, no.
‐ Mickey Dolenz, yes.
‐ I am so sorry.
‐ Well, I don't need a kidney or anything,
so don't worry.
I just wanna leave the world
with a bang!
So I wrote a one‐man show.
‐ Okay... ‐ I need some help with it.
You said in your letter you wanted to collaborate.
‐ I mean, I was seven years old.
I don't think I knew what collaborate meant.
‐ It was implied. The point is,
I've already written the script.
Can you just take a look at it for me,
give me some notes?
‐ Yeah. I mean, of course. It's the least I can do.
‐ Here's the script.
Let's set a notes call for Thursday.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
MARILYN: 25 years ago
I dropped you off at your first Torah class
with the other bat mitzvah girls,
and here you are doing it for me.
‐ Yes, Mom, it's so funny, it's...
nearly Duplassian.
‐ Don't forget the invitations, okay?
Did you get the list? ‐ Yeah. You don't even talk to
half those people anymore. ‐ So?
As my Romanian hairdresser says,
"Volume is everything!"
Good‐bye!
Hello, girls.
Should I sit here?
‐ So...welcome to Torah class,
bat mitzvah girls to be.
Why don't we go around and say something about ourselves?
I'm Rabbi Scheckter and, uh,
I like '60s pop music.
‐ And I'm Dr. Marilyn Kessler,
and the theme for my bat mitzvah is "me"!
‐ My name is Shoshanna, and my theme's
"at least I'm not as old as her."
[girls giggling] ‐ Um...
let's be respectful.
Marilyn has waited a long time for her bat mitzvah.
‐ If only her hair colorist had waited a little longer
to take out those foils,
then her highlights wouldn't be so brassy.
‐ My Romanian hairdresser
cost more than your private school tuition,
you little bitch.
‐ So, Brooke, what's your deal?
‐ Okay, quick intros. Eric, story monster.
Lyle, his brother, is a joke beast.
We got Izzy and Taz from "The Pickup Artist" community,
Brian from Harvard, our YouTube sensation
Demios of Chaldes,
and Julie, who is a woman.
And a..."story machine." ‐ But can she take a joke?
Or are you one of those uptight feminists?
‐ Oh, no, I hate women.
I got into TV writing so I could not write for them.
‐ Fuck, yeah! Oh, did you hear Drew Barrymore
on "Howard Stern" this morning? ‐ I did.
She got old, right? [someone chuckles]
She's a dog now. She used to be a 9.
‐ Yeah, when she was 9!
[forced laugh] Right?
Somebody should slit her...throat
and make a lampshade out of her skin.
Baba Booey?
‐ 'Kay, let's blue sky this bitch!
Who has got ideas
for "Panda's Birthday Party"?
‐ What if, uh, Panda took Kitten to the party
and everybody liked Kitten more?
‐ No. That's not very good.
‐ You have another pitch?
‐ Hmm? Oh, no.
I‐I just didn't like that.
‐ Well, okay, what if, uh, Kitten's birthday
is the same day as Panda's?
And Kitten is jealous
of all of the attention
that Panda's getting?
‐ Yeah, jealousy. It's real.
My pig wife said no to a threesome
with our cleaning lady because of jealousy.
‐ Ohh...I'm so sorry.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Or...what if we don't do anything about a birthday party
and the gang starts a food truck?
‐ How does that fit into the story diamond?
‐ The what? ‐ You're a story machine,
and you don't know about the story diamond?
That's Kenny's thing. ‐ Yeah. Talked about it
on "Marc Maron" for 3 1/2 hours
after my mom's stuff and his vinyl collection.
‐ Yeah, yeah, you take a diamond, right?
You split it in half, then you cut it in 16 segments.
And on the left you got your plot points,
and then you cross‐correspond that
to the segments on the right
where you got your characters in crises.
Story diamond.
‐ Obviously, I'm familiar with it,
but Neil, you know, my old boss,
um, didn't like to do that.
He preferred the way I break a story.
We could call Neil and ask him but...
he's in that coma, so...
Lunch?
♪ ♪
I just received four pages of notes
from my mom on a 1/2 page bat mitzvah toast.
‐ Well, if it makes you feel any better,
Mickey Dolenz's one‐man show has an 87‐page cold open.
That stupid dream board came true,
and it turns out working with my childhood idol
is a fucking nightmare! ‐ Yeah.
And my dream of writing for TV
turns out to be men incapable of talking to women
telling me I don't know how women actually talk!
‐ Hello, last looks.
Uh‐oh.
Cake buffet?
Either your first day of work went poorly,
or Pete Holmes got another break.
‐ I am picking out a cake for my mother's bat mitzvah.
And technically, yes, I already chose one
when I went to the bakery with Billy.
I just need to make sure that I made the right decision.
‐ So work went okay. ‐ Absolutely not!
Did you know that TV writing
is just people stuck in a room together talking all day?
It's like a cocktail party with the ugliest people on earth.
♪ ♪
‐ You're just gonna split
a side of Brussels sprouts‐‐ ‐ Billy!
Quick question. ‐ Mickey, I'm at work.
And your questions are rarely quick.
I'll be right back. Thank you.
‐ Mickey Dolenz.
You said you had some notes for me
on the Roddy McDowall duet. ‐ Oh, not notes.
Uh, questions, actually.
Specifically what, how, and why?
‐ Pretty straight forward. Um, I'm singing,
"Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees," with Roddy McDowall,
who's dressed as Cornelius from "Planet of the Apes."
‐ Did you know that Roddy McDowall is dead?
‐ Which is why
we're gonna use a hologram, obviously.
‐ Even if you could afford the technology
that would make that dream a reality,
do you have any footage anywhere
of Roddy McDowall singing, "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees"?
Because, if not‐‐ ‐ I see, yeah.
Smart. Let me noodle on that.
Meanwhile, I've added a new song.
[paper slaps down] ‐ Mickey, I'm sorry, I'm done.
‐ Billy, I'm dyin'.
‐ No offense, Mickey, but...when?
‐ Billy, you said in your letter‐‐
‐ I wrote that same fan letter to Olivia Newton John.
I was a child. And by the way,
her turnaround was a lot faster than yours.
She sent me a "Xanadu" head shot in, like, a week.
‐ Well... I guess this is good‐bye.
‐ Yeah.
I'll see you in another 30 years.
‐ No, Billy.
You won't.
Mickey Dolenz. I'm dying!
‐ Now, Marilyn, your Torah portion will be Tehillim.
"Delight in God, and he will give thee
the desires of thy heart."
It means... believe in your daydreams.
Be a Daydream Believer.
‐ Or Daydream Belieber. Right, girls?
Justin Bieber?
We love him, right?
‐ Yeah. Because he's so cool.
‐ Okay, I was born without the ability to sense sarcasm,
so I'm just gonna keep pitching and see what you might like.
Okay, wait a minute. This might be cool.
Do you like chicken?
[dramatic musical sting]
‐ Okay, let's break this
Panda's birthday story
like it was a virgin's hymen.
[someone puffing rapidly]
[dramatic sting]
God. "Panda's Party" is not tracking!
‐ Oh, my God.
[dramatic sting]
Is Kenny still on that phone call?
It's been like an hour!
‐ Well, it's his divorce lawyer,
so you never know.
But he doesn't let us work without him.
‐ Ugh!
[dramatic sting]
‐ Fuck. My ex.
‐ I fuckin' hate women, Kenny.
‐ Let's fix this Panda story.
Everybody order dinner.
It's gonna be a late night.
[dramatic sting]
Well, she got all the Criterion DVDs
and the gun cabinet,
but one upside to losing everything to that bitch
is I don't have to stay sober anymore!
‐ So, wait, because Kenny's going through a divorce,
we have to stay here all night?
‐ Yeah.
‐ Isn't there, like, a writer's union
to protect us from that kind of shit?
[laughter]
‐ Finally, she says something funny.
[dramatic sting]
‐ Ah, God, come on, you fuckers, think!
All right? Panda Kitten, Sunflower,
ad Panda has a birthday!
Bamboo‐eating cocksucker!
‐ Okay, what if, uh,
Panda has a surprise birthday party
but no one shows up.
‐ So nothing happens?
How's that fit into Kenny's story diamond?
What'd I tell you about women and story?
‐ Okay, fuck you, Brian!
Because what I just pitched
fits perfectly
into the story... double helix
that me and Neil came up with
when we were working on that Gina Gershon show together.
‐ "Dumb Whore"? ‐ Double helix?
‐ Yeah. Neil said it was bulletproof
and totally next level, but I understand
if you guys wanna play it safe with the diamond.
‐ No, explain the double helix, all right?
Just draw it up there. Explain it to us.
‐ Right now? ‐ Walk us through it!
‐ Do what Kenny says!
‐ Yes, go, go, go, go, go. ‐ Okay.
All right, well, okay, so the story double helix‐‐
‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah, just draw it.
‐ Here's the first helix, right? ‐ Yeah, boom, boom, boom.
‐ And, you know, like any, uh, organism, it has quadrants.
So there are 56 quadrants in each subset.
‐ Let's get some more Thai food. ‐ How many noodles
do you need? ‐ Noodles are brain food.
‐ No, they're not!
[dramatic sting]
Now the hero has refused
the journey,
but that's when we get
the four alligators,
which I call internal conflicts.
‐ I'm confused. ‐ Oh, are you confused, Brian?
It's so simple!
And it applies to any movie.
My God, if Neil were here, he would laugh at you.
‐ If Neil were where?
Hey! ‐ Oh ho ho!
Neil, you're outta your coma!
‐ Yeah, I got out yesterday. First thing I wanted to do
was come back to work
because I have a horrible marriage.
‐ Well, your story machine
is explaining your double helix to us.
‐ Who the fuck are you
and what the fuck is a double helix?
‐ Julie... you're a good fuck...
‐ Aw...
‐ But you are a shitty story machine.
So...you are fired.
‐ Well, fine.
Because...I quit anyway.
And you know what else?
None you have any point of view
formed outside your own shitty lives.
You guys are bad writers.
Not just because you lack imagination,
but because you lack empathy.
So suck...my...fat...
a‐twat!
‐ Jeez. It's your own fault.
For hiring a woman.
‐ Ha ha!
Neil!
‐ All those dream boards did
was give us what we want after we didn't want it anymore,
Like Calista Flockhart
when Harrison Ford finally called her back.
‐ And now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure
I was working with the Menendez brothers.
But on the bright side,
they still had to pay me for the whole week.
Look. Check it out.
‐ Whoa! Oh, my God!
If this is what giving notes to Mickey Dolenz would have paid,
I never would have quit. Do you know that he came
and dropped off a song for the ending
even after I bailed? ‐ Aw!
"Number One Fan."
Holy shit, Billy. This is about you.
‐ What? ‐ Yeah, he's saying
that he's your number one fan.
Look! ‐ No.
‐ Yeah!
‐ Oh, my God!
He even talks about my curly hair!
Fuck!
Now I can't quit on him!
I'm gonna go find him. I mean, I have no problem
walking away from a dying man,
but I can't walk away from a dying fan.
I'll see you at Marilyn's bat mitzvah?
‐ Ooh! A Jewish birthday party.
Who will I bring? What will I wear?
‐ Oh, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
‐ Uh, that's what she said! [giggling]
‐ I forgot to send out those bat mitzvah invitations!
Now no one's gonna come!
‐ That's what he said!
[laughing]
[laughs louder]
[glasses clattering]
‐ Hey, how's my favorite client,
aka, the back of Reba McEntire's head
in a Hallmark movie if you're available on Thursday.
‐ I am completely available on Thursday,
but I wanted to know
if you could fill a synagogue in three hours.
How many stand‐ins will this get me?
‐ Mom! There you are.
I was looking for you. Don't cry!
‐ No one's here, Julie.
I texted Bonnie, and she said
she never even got an invitation.
‐ I didn't invite Bonnie. Why would we want Bonnie here?
We hate Bonnie! ‐ Don't worry.
I promise, the synagogue will be full.
Maybe not with the same attendees that we'd hoped,
but does your Romanian hairdresser always say?
‐ [with accent] "Don't worry.
Warts aren't contagious. Cash only!"
‐ Okay, well, I was gonna say "volume is everything,"
but kudos on that impression. ‐ Well, thank you.
‐ It'll be great. I promise.
Billy even brought a celebrity.
‐ It better not be Marcia Gay Harden.
She owes me $1,200, and she knows why!
Julie, cheer me up. Read my toast.
‐ Okay.
All right, here it is.
[exhales] "To Marilyn,
"who waited her whole life for a perfect bat mitzvah.
"But I learned a lesson from a panda recently.
"A party is perfect when you're around people who love you.
The rest is just cake."
‐ It's lovely. ‐ Thanks.
It's based on something called the story diamond,
which, turns out, really does work.
‐ Mickey, I'm really sorry I walked out on you.
‐ We're cool. And thanks for inviting me
to this older lady's 12 birthday party.
‐ Now, our bat mitzvah girl, Marilyn Kessler,
will read from the Torah.
[Marilyn chanting]
‐ Billy, are you sure this Budapest tour‐‐
‐ Shh! Mickey, she's reading. Shh!
‐ Mickey Dolenz?
‐ Uh‐oh.
You work here?
‐ This jerk answered a fan letter of mine
only to waste a year of my life
helping him rewrite his one‐man show!
‐ But I'm dying! ‐ We're all dying, Dolenz!
You're fine.
‐ Wait, Mickey, is this true?
‐ All right, the jig is up.
The only disease I have is one‐man‐show fever.
‐ Hold on. You reached out to all of your old fans
in the hopes‐‐ ‐ Yes. To get free notes
for my show, yeah.
‐ That is the worst con I've ever heard.
‐ Oh, is it?
Well, thanks to sucker fans like you,
my show is done.
And it's perfect, and it's gonna be a smash hit,
and none of you are gonna get a fucking penny!
I win.
I always win.
I'm Mickey fuckin' Dolenz.
‐ And I'm Dr. Marilyn fucking Kessler.
Now, shut up so I can become a woman.
‐ You know, stand‐in work really isn't that degrading
when you consider the alternatives.
‐ Yeah, you're right. ‐ All right, which one of you's
standing in for Guy Fieri, which one of you's
standing in for the ribs? ‐ That was never made
entirely clear. ‐ Doesn't matter.
You're both getting wet. Bring on the donkey sauce!
MAN: Oh!
♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪
♪ Thought they didn't know ♪
♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Another way out ♪
♪ Found on the way home ♪
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
♪ But you were living slow ♪
♪ ♪
MAN: La la la la!
Oh, my God!