1 00:00:02,771 --> 00:00:04,741 - How much longer do we have to wait for this car? 2 00:00:04,739 --> 00:00:06,109 Which app is this again? 3 00:00:06,108 --> 00:00:07,538 - Oh, it’s called GoX. 4 00:00:07,542 --> 00:00:08,912 It’s short for Goatee Express 5 00:00:08,911 --> 00:00:10,981 because their cars have goatees on them. 6 00:00:10,980 --> 00:00:13,380 - Ugh, these ride sharing apps are so humiliating. 7 00:00:13,382 --> 00:00:14,552 - But what are we supposed to do? 8 00:00:14,549 --> 00:00:16,019 New York City’s on high alert, 9 00:00:16,018 --> 00:00:17,288 and we’re not supposed to use the subways. 10 00:00:17,286 --> 00:00:18,746 - What choice do we have 11 00:00:18,753 --> 00:00:20,423 besides riding in cars with facial hair on them? 12 00:00:20,422 --> 00:00:23,162 - My favorite Penny Marshall- Drew Barrymore collaboration. 13 00:00:23,158 --> 00:00:24,758 - And here I am running around, 14 00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:26,559 and I still can’t find a Yahrzeit candle for my dad. 15 00:00:26,561 --> 00:00:28,761 I don’t understand. How is this New York? 16 00:00:28,763 --> 00:00:30,503 - When the city’s on edge, everybody just stocks up 17 00:00:30,499 --> 00:00:32,129 on things like candles. 18 00:00:32,134 --> 00:00:34,404 They don’t care that they’re Jewish memorial candles 19 00:00:34,403 --> 00:00:36,873 you light on the anniversary of a loved one’s death. 20 00:00:36,872 --> 00:00:38,642 - Why would they care this is the first time 21 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,210 since 2010 I haven’t been able to light a candle for my dad? 22 00:00:41,210 --> 00:00:43,210 And that was a tough year. We lost my dad, 23 00:00:43,212 --> 00:00:46,082 and Mel Gibson said you can see Oksana’s pussy from behind. 24 00:00:46,081 --> 00:00:47,521 - I miss seeing movies with your dad. 25 00:00:47,516 --> 00:00:48,976 - He loved everything. 26 00:00:48,984 --> 00:00:51,024 Remember that time we saw "Welcome to Mooseport" 27 00:00:51,020 --> 00:00:53,590 and the lights went up and he said, "I loved it." 28 00:00:53,588 --> 00:00:55,158 Meanwhile, I don’t have a boyfriend, 29 00:00:55,157 --> 00:00:57,827 and I hate having all these human emotions. 30 00:00:57,826 --> 00:01:00,496 Maybe I should just give up trying to find love, you know? 31 00:01:00,495 --> 00:01:02,395 I’m gonna go the Kevin Spacey route. 32 00:01:02,397 --> 00:01:05,097 Just stop trying to be a human being, 33 00:01:05,100 --> 00:01:06,800 and just focus on getting famous, 34 00:01:06,801 --> 00:01:08,201 and then after I have a Netflix show, 35 00:01:08,203 --> 00:01:09,643 focus all of my frustrations 36 00:01:09,638 --> 00:01:11,708 on a boyfriend young enough to be my own son. 37 00:01:11,706 --> 00:01:13,106 - I was about to say I don’t think 38 00:01:13,108 --> 00:01:14,708 there’s anything much more depressing than that, 39 00:01:14,709 --> 00:01:17,049 but here comes our ride. 40 00:01:17,046 --> 00:01:19,446 [horn honking] 41 00:01:19,448 --> 00:01:20,778 I can’t believe that stupid goatee 42 00:01:20,782 --> 00:01:22,022 is gonna be the last thing we ever see 43 00:01:22,017 --> 00:01:24,187 before we’re brutally murdered. 44 00:01:28,657 --> 00:01:30,557 - Loophole, come to bed. 45 00:01:30,559 --> 00:01:31,959 You only got nine hours last night, 46 00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:33,361 and I never heard the end of it. 47 00:01:33,362 --> 00:01:34,762 - I can’t. I have to recap 48 00:01:34,763 --> 00:01:36,573 "Bachelorette," which is what you do 49 00:01:36,565 --> 00:01:39,495 when you don’t have a real job writing comedy for television. 50 00:01:39,501 --> 00:01:40,871 - I’m not taking your rose. 51 00:01:40,870 --> 00:01:43,140 You hooked up with those two guys on the show. 52 00:01:43,138 --> 00:01:44,368 I heard you blew them. 53 00:01:44,373 --> 00:01:45,913 - Oh, that is so fucked up. 54 00:01:45,908 --> 00:01:48,278 I mean, just because Ashley has the good sense 55 00:01:48,277 --> 00:01:50,547 to chow down on the free chorizo buffet 56 00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:52,445 ABC was kind enough to lay out for her, 57 00:01:52,447 --> 00:01:57,047 that dipshit is shaming her like she’s some kind of a whore. 58 00:01:57,052 --> 00:01:59,222 - An update on the city’s terror threat, 59 00:01:59,221 --> 00:02:02,321 which has been raised from rose gold to bronze. 60 00:02:02,324 --> 00:02:04,994 - Fuck, this better not dip into the rest of the show. 61 00:02:04,994 --> 00:02:07,864 I taped this. Goddamn it. 62 00:02:07,862 --> 00:02:09,532 How am I supposed to do my recap? 63 00:02:09,531 --> 00:02:12,501 - Why don’t you just go online, and find out who she sent home, 64 00:02:12,501 --> 00:02:14,641 and take it from there, dad bod? 65 00:02:14,636 --> 00:02:18,406 - Yeah, tell me who went home, Jezebel. 66 00:02:18,407 --> 00:02:20,937 Oh, Jesus Christ, Fern Fujihara? 67 00:02:20,943 --> 00:02:23,853 This 14-year-old took a picture of a doughnut 68 00:02:23,845 --> 00:02:25,575 that she put on a rodent’s head, 69 00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:28,750 and now she’s repped by CAA? 70 00:02:28,750 --> 00:02:30,590 Fuck this world. 71 00:02:30,585 --> 00:02:32,585 - Good night, Blu-ray. 72 00:02:41,163 --> 00:02:43,033 - Wow, your editor was okay with you submitting 73 00:02:43,032 --> 00:02:45,272 this personal essay instead of your "Bachelorette" recap? 74 00:02:45,267 --> 00:02:47,967 - To be honest with you I don’t think she even read it. 75 00:02:47,970 --> 00:02:49,570 I feel like she just hits publish. 76 00:02:49,571 --> 00:02:51,911 There’s rumors that she’s actually a goose. 77 00:02:51,907 --> 00:02:53,677 - I can’t believe you wrote your 9/11 piece. 78 00:02:53,675 --> 00:02:54,835 It must have taken you all night. 79 00:02:54,843 --> 00:02:56,783 - Well, I procrastinated a little. 80 00:02:56,778 --> 00:02:58,178 - Oh, was that when you sent me the link 81 00:02:58,180 --> 00:03:00,020 to Kevin Spacey’s online acting classes? 82 00:03:00,015 --> 00:03:01,515 - As a matter of fact, it is. 83 00:03:01,516 --> 00:03:02,576 A $90 gag gift, 84 00:03:02,584 --> 00:03:04,124 but it will be worth every penny 85 00:03:04,119 --> 00:03:06,059 as long as it takes you a step further on your journey 86 00:03:06,055 --> 00:03:07,685 to becoming Mr. Kevin Spacey. 87 00:03:07,689 --> 00:03:10,829 - Oh, it already is. Look at this. 88 00:03:10,825 --> 00:03:14,695 Sometimes you are the chicken, 89 00:03:14,696 --> 00:03:17,966 and sometimes you are the corn. 90 00:03:17,967 --> 00:03:19,967 - Ah, that’s amazing! 91 00:03:19,969 --> 00:03:21,699 - What are you two sucking each other’s dicks about now? 92 00:03:21,703 --> 00:03:24,343 - Julie wrote an article about how during the week of 9/11 93 00:03:24,339 --> 00:03:25,939 she was so overcome with grief 94 00:03:25,941 --> 00:03:27,141 that she self-medicated 95 00:03:27,142 --> 00:03:29,512 by fucking 9 random guys and blowing 11. 96 00:03:29,511 --> 00:03:32,351 - Way to give Donald Rumsfeld exactly what he wanted. 97 00:03:32,347 --> 00:03:35,377 - Oh, are we talking about sowing our wild oats? 98 00:03:35,384 --> 00:03:37,054 Hey, do you want to hear the story about the scar 99 00:03:37,052 --> 00:03:38,752 I got on Merv Griffin’s houseboat? 100 00:03:38,753 --> 00:03:40,693 - No, go away. 101 00:03:40,689 --> 00:03:42,489 - Okay, fine, I haven’t shaved anyway. 102 00:03:42,491 --> 00:03:45,961 Speaking of which, my big wedding is in two days, 103 00:03:45,961 --> 00:03:48,831 and you all are invited to my bachelorette party. 104 00:03:48,830 --> 00:03:50,370 - Why don’t you call it a bachelor party, 105 00:03:50,365 --> 00:03:51,795 you Goddamn Teletubby? 106 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,200 - Lola, am I or am 107 00:03:53,202 --> 00:03:55,772 I not allowed to call my bachelorette party 108 00:03:55,770 --> 00:03:57,270 whatever I want? 109 00:03:57,272 --> 00:03:58,442 - I don’t care. 110 00:03:58,440 --> 00:03:59,810 I hate you. 111 00:03:59,808 --> 00:04:01,438 And don’t you even think of misgendering me 112 00:04:01,443 --> 00:04:03,383 by inviting me to your party. 113 00:04:03,378 --> 00:04:04,808 - You better work. 114 00:04:04,813 --> 00:04:07,353 - Matthew, I am a transwoman not a drag queen, 115 00:04:07,349 --> 00:04:08,749 you fucking retard, 116 00:04:08,750 --> 00:04:11,390 and I can say that because I used to be one. 117 00:04:11,386 --> 00:04:13,786 Oh, shit, I meant faggot. 118 00:04:13,788 --> 00:04:15,788 Sorry, Matthew. 119 00:04:15,790 --> 00:04:18,690 - None taken, doll. - Oh! 120 00:04:18,693 --> 00:04:21,863 [upbeat music] 121 00:04:21,863 --> 00:04:24,173 - Oh, noodles, look at you. 122 00:04:24,166 --> 00:04:25,866 You took our date night seriously. 123 00:04:25,867 --> 00:04:27,297 - What? Date night? 124 00:04:27,302 --> 00:04:29,302 Oh, shit, I thought you were joking. 125 00:04:29,304 --> 00:04:31,074 No, I have plans with Billy tonight. 126 00:04:31,073 --> 00:04:34,113 He did a headshot mailing and got us gigs as seat fillers 127 00:04:34,109 --> 00:04:36,079 at the Mark Twain Awards ceremony. 128 00:04:36,078 --> 00:04:38,308 They’re honoring "Mozart in the Jungle" this year. 129 00:04:38,313 --> 00:04:40,223 - I was going to bring this up during dinner, 130 00:04:40,215 --> 00:04:43,785 but, string cheese, I got a call from my mother today. 131 00:04:43,785 --> 00:04:45,685 She and my dad read your piece. 132 00:04:45,687 --> 00:04:47,157 - Oh, did they like it? 133 00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:50,056 - They were disappointed that it was so tonally different 134 00:04:50,059 --> 00:04:51,629 than my brother’s wedding announcement 135 00:04:51,626 --> 00:04:52,956 in their golf club’s newsletter. 136 00:04:52,962 --> 00:04:55,062 - That’s fair enough. - Bank holiday, 137 00:04:55,064 --> 00:04:57,804 I didn’t know you were writing about me too. 138 00:04:57,799 --> 00:05:00,369 - Arthur, you read it too! 139 00:05:00,369 --> 00:05:03,469 - Yes, you made our relationship seem like a humdrum destination 140 00:05:03,472 --> 00:05:05,842 after all the grief-related fucking and sucking. 141 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,980 - Wow, sounds like someone’s jealous 142 00:05:07,977 --> 00:05:10,677 of something that happened 15 years ago, 143 00:05:10,679 --> 00:05:11,949 which was not my fault, Arthur. 144 00:05:11,947 --> 00:05:13,217 It was Al Qaeda’s. 145 00:05:13,215 --> 00:05:14,775 So if you want to be mad at someone, 146 00:05:14,783 --> 00:05:16,423 be mad at Mohamed Atta. 147 00:05:16,418 --> 00:05:17,588 - I am. 148 00:05:17,586 --> 00:05:19,516 [rock music] 149 00:05:19,521 --> 00:05:21,291 - I’m so glad we got a driver who needed 150 00:05:21,290 --> 00:05:23,860 to tell us his opinions on musical theater. 151 00:05:23,858 --> 00:05:25,998 - I don’t care how many Tony’s it won. 152 00:05:25,995 --> 00:05:28,825 The only thing more insufferable than "Fun Home" 153 00:05:28,830 --> 00:05:31,200 is riding in this car with you idiots. 154 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,670 Serves us right for getting a cut rate 155 00:05:33,668 --> 00:05:36,068 Uber ride sharing bad jalopy 156 00:05:36,071 --> 00:05:37,971 with a bush on the grill. 157 00:05:37,973 --> 00:05:39,473 - A fucking nightmare. 158 00:05:39,474 --> 00:05:42,184 You know, talking to strangers is, in a way, 159 00:05:42,177 --> 00:05:43,977 its own kind of terrorism. 160 00:05:43,979 --> 00:05:46,279 Kevin Spacey says to always initiate a scene 161 00:05:46,281 --> 00:05:49,551 even if the other actor technically talks first. 162 00:05:49,551 --> 00:05:50,991 - Jesus Christ. 163 00:05:50,986 --> 00:05:52,286 Is this the line? 164 00:05:52,287 --> 00:05:53,487 - Yeah, they’re doing a bag check 165 00:05:53,488 --> 00:05:54,518 because of the bronze alert. 166 00:05:54,523 --> 00:05:55,663 - Thank you. 167 00:05:55,657 --> 00:05:57,087 See, that is the only extent 168 00:05:57,092 --> 00:05:58,662 to which I am comfortable talking to stranger. 169 00:05:58,660 --> 00:06:00,060 - How crazy is this weather? 170 00:06:00,062 --> 00:06:02,232 - No, no, no, no, no. - Turn around asshole. 171 00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:04,831 Okay, so the comments on my 9/11 essay 172 00:06:04,833 --> 00:06:06,973 are only getting meaner. Listen to this one. 173 00:06:06,969 --> 00:06:09,769 "Whore should have spent her week volunteering 174 00:06:09,771 --> 00:06:13,011 at Ground Zero instead of fitting 11 dicks in her mouth." 175 00:06:13,008 --> 00:06:14,578 - Who’s to say you couldn’t do both? 176 00:06:14,576 --> 00:06:15,806 That was a long week. 177 00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:17,680 - Yeah, multi-tasking. - Excuse me. 178 00:06:17,679 --> 00:06:19,179 I’m sorry to overhear, 179 00:06:19,181 --> 00:06:21,781 but did you write that article about fucking 9 guys 180 00:06:21,783 --> 00:06:23,853 and blowing 11 during the week of 9/11? 181 00:06:23,852 --> 00:06:26,762 - I certainly did, and I certainly did. 182 00:06:26,755 --> 00:06:28,615 - I like that piece. - Hey, thanks. 183 00:06:28,623 --> 00:06:30,393 - I’m Sarah Nussbaum. 184 00:06:30,392 --> 00:06:33,402 I’m a development executive at Josh Gad’s company, Gadzooks. 185 00:06:33,395 --> 00:06:35,395 - Wow, Josh Gad’s company is based in New York? 186 00:06:35,397 --> 00:06:37,567 Julie, the terrorists don’t stand a chance. 187 00:06:37,566 --> 00:06:39,526 So what’s Josh Gad like? 188 00:06:39,534 --> 00:06:41,074 - Oh, I don’t know. I’ve never met him. 189 00:06:41,070 --> 00:06:42,600 He’s really busy, 190 00:06:42,604 --> 00:06:44,444 but I’m in charge of the film department there. 191 00:06:44,439 --> 00:06:48,479 Has anyone ever talked to you about optioning that essay? 192 00:06:48,477 --> 00:06:50,007 - Well, sometimes when I take a bath 193 00:06:50,012 --> 00:06:52,052 I pretend my dogs are Dana Brunetti 194 00:06:52,047 --> 00:06:54,047 and Kevin Spacey and I pitch them, but- 195 00:06:54,049 --> 00:06:56,419 - Aw, that’s really sad. 196 00:06:56,418 --> 00:06:58,718 Why don’t you come by tomorrow, and we’ll talk about it? 197 00:06:58,720 --> 00:06:59,920 - Seriously? - Yeah. 198 00:06:59,922 --> 00:07:01,592 - Oh, my God. Yes, thank you. 199 00:07:01,590 --> 00:07:03,590 - Okay, so now I’m going to go back 200 00:07:03,592 --> 00:07:06,502 to standing behind you silently so it’s nice and awkward. 201 00:07:06,495 --> 00:07:07,525 - Really? 202 00:07:07,529 --> 00:07:08,799 - No, I’m going to go to the front 203 00:07:08,797 --> 00:07:10,497 and tell security I’m a VIP. 204 00:07:10,499 --> 00:07:13,669 See you tomorrow. 205 00:07:13,668 --> 00:07:15,038 - Julie, that’s awesome! - Aaaah! 206 00:07:18,941 --> 00:07:19,941 - Wow, you know, I’d heard 207 00:07:19,942 --> 00:07:21,342 about adult coloring books 208 00:07:21,343 --> 00:07:22,953 and how they’re supposed to relieve stress, 209 00:07:22,945 --> 00:07:25,075 but I didn’t realize they depicted 210 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,750 actual adult situations, you know? 211 00:07:27,749 --> 00:07:29,919 but look how pretty I made my herniated disks. 212 00:07:29,919 --> 00:07:31,549 - Oh, yeah. 213 00:07:31,553 --> 00:07:33,863 We love how you can breathe color into certain situations 214 00:07:33,855 --> 00:07:37,285 like, considering an affair. - Mm-hmm. 215 00:07:37,292 --> 00:07:40,762 - Which is why we optioned it for a movie. 216 00:07:40,762 --> 00:07:41,762 - Great idea. 217 00:07:41,763 --> 00:07:43,503 - Speaking of which, 218 00:07:43,498 --> 00:07:47,368 we think your essay would make a really great movie. 219 00:07:47,369 --> 00:07:50,109 We love how empowering it is to young women. 220 00:07:50,105 --> 00:07:51,765 - You know, that was my goal. 221 00:07:51,773 --> 00:07:53,183 Yeah, I remember thinking half way 222 00:07:53,175 --> 00:07:54,575 through blow job number eight, 223 00:07:54,576 --> 00:07:56,476 "Someday this’ll be good for women." 224 00:07:56,478 --> 00:07:58,308 - We love things that are good for women. 225 00:07:58,313 --> 00:08:00,523 - There’s so much out there that’s bad for women. 226 00:08:00,515 --> 00:08:01,675 - So much bad for women. 227 00:08:01,683 --> 00:08:04,053 - But then someone comes along who’s brave, 228 00:08:04,053 --> 00:08:05,523 who’s not a size zero, 229 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,020 but is still okay with being seen, 230 00:08:08,023 --> 00:08:10,233 and that is so empowering. 231 00:08:10,225 --> 00:08:11,455 - Because then you’re like, 232 00:08:11,460 --> 00:08:12,660 "At least I’m not as fat as her." 233 00:08:12,661 --> 00:08:13,761 - Right? - Yes. 234 00:08:13,762 --> 00:08:15,502 - Yeah. 235 00:08:15,497 --> 00:08:19,227 The point is, we’re so excited to bring your voice to film. 236 00:08:19,234 --> 00:08:21,404 - And we have an amazing co-writer we want you to meet. 237 00:08:21,403 --> 00:08:24,143 - This means so much to me, you guys. 238 00:08:24,139 --> 00:08:27,679 You know, recently I was actually kind of worried 239 00:08:27,676 --> 00:08:29,006 that I wasn’t a girls girl. 240 00:08:29,011 --> 00:08:31,981 - Don’t be a stupid bitch. [laughter] 241 00:08:31,981 --> 00:08:34,251 - I even hung out with a group of Italian girls 242 00:08:34,249 --> 00:08:35,819 from New Jersey who, 243 00:08:35,817 --> 00:08:38,187 as I think about it, were pretty anti-Semitic. 244 00:08:38,187 --> 00:08:40,717 But now I realize I can fit in with other girls, 245 00:08:40,722 --> 00:08:43,932 and I don’t need to pretend to be someone else. 246 00:08:43,926 --> 00:08:46,096 - You know what else is empowering? 247 00:08:46,095 --> 00:08:48,625 Do you know that musical, "Fun Home?" 248 00:08:48,630 --> 00:08:52,570 We’re making that into an online multi-platform game 249 00:08:52,567 --> 00:08:53,797 for Xbox. 250 00:08:53,802 --> 00:08:55,912 - What a great idea. - Right? 251 00:08:55,905 --> 00:08:57,205 - I love "Fun Home." 252 00:08:57,206 --> 00:08:59,836 - Yeah! [laughter] 253 00:08:59,841 --> 00:09:01,381 - Poor Matthew. 254 00:09:01,376 --> 00:09:03,406 One sip of a Capri Tini and he’s out like a light. 255 00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:05,482 - You would think that a Capri Sun with a splash of rosé 256 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,320 wouldn’t have that much kick, and yet-- 257 00:09:07,316 --> 00:09:10,486 - My baby may not be able to handle alcohol, 258 00:09:10,485 --> 00:09:12,845 but he can handle plenty of other things, 259 00:09:12,854 --> 00:09:14,294 you know what I mean? - Yes. 260 00:09:14,289 --> 00:09:16,129 - My cock. - Nope, no. 261 00:09:16,125 --> 00:09:17,955 - It’s a big one. - I’m leaving. 262 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,430 - Hey, Denise and I said 263 00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:20,798 we’d only pay you to be at this party 264 00:09:20,795 --> 00:09:23,195 if you stayed the whole time. 265 00:09:23,198 --> 00:09:24,868 - You’re right. 266 00:09:24,866 --> 00:09:26,196 And Kevin Spacey does say, 267 00:09:26,201 --> 00:09:28,071 "If they pay you, you have to show up." 268 00:09:28,070 --> 00:09:29,400 That’s from class eight 269 00:09:29,404 --> 00:09:31,074 which is exclusively about his voiceover work 270 00:09:31,073 --> 00:09:32,273 in "A Bug’s Life." 271 00:09:32,274 --> 00:09:35,084 - Let’s start playing the games. 272 00:09:35,077 --> 00:09:36,247 Pass the torch? 273 00:09:36,245 --> 00:09:37,575 Where’s the candle? - Oh. 274 00:09:37,579 --> 00:09:42,519 This was the last one left at the deli. 275 00:09:43,986 --> 00:09:45,516 - I can fit this in, 276 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,890 but whoever I pass it to had better be very relaxed. 277 00:09:48,891 --> 00:09:50,461 It’s ass to ass, men, 278 00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:52,189 as we did it in the Great War. 279 00:09:52,194 --> 00:09:53,434 Are you in? 280 00:09:53,428 --> 00:09:54,958 - No. And, Nate, 281 00:09:54,964 --> 00:09:56,504 that is a Yahrzeit candle. 282 00:09:56,498 --> 00:09:58,268 You light one on the anniversary of someone’s death. 283 00:09:58,267 --> 00:10:00,037 I was looking for one for my dad. 284 00:10:00,035 --> 00:10:01,695 - Oh, well, let’s do that instead of Elmer’s weird game. 285 00:10:01,703 --> 00:10:03,713 - Okay, but you have to keep it burning for 24 hours. 286 00:10:03,705 --> 00:10:05,435 - Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do, 287 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:09,640 go slink off into a corner and self-suck my own hog? 288 00:10:09,644 --> 00:10:13,924 - I’m straight. - This party is no fucking good. 289 00:10:13,916 --> 00:10:16,846 - I hate to admit this, Mr. Brunetti, Mr. Spacey, 290 00:10:16,851 --> 00:10:18,751 but I’m really nervous. 291 00:10:18,753 --> 00:10:21,693 Gadzooks is sending over this hot shit writer tomorrow, 292 00:10:21,690 --> 00:10:24,090 Harvey something, and if we hit it off, 293 00:10:24,093 --> 00:10:27,063 we’re gonna write our 9/11 movie together. 294 00:10:27,062 --> 00:10:29,232 - Noodles, whenever you do pitch meetings 295 00:10:29,231 --> 00:10:30,631 in the middle of the night, 296 00:10:30,632 --> 00:10:32,432 I don’t have hot water to take a shower. 297 00:10:32,434 --> 00:10:33,944 - I have to talk to the dogs 298 00:10:33,936 --> 00:10:37,066 because every time I bring up my essay with you, 299 00:10:37,072 --> 00:10:38,412 you get all weird. 300 00:10:38,407 --> 00:10:41,077 Now, please, take Mr. Spacey for a walk. 301 00:10:41,076 --> 00:10:43,106 I think he took a shit under the couch. 302 00:10:43,112 --> 00:10:46,122 [light rock music] 303 00:10:46,115 --> 00:10:48,675 ♪ ♪ 304 00:10:48,683 --> 00:10:51,153 [knock at door] 305 00:10:54,256 --> 00:10:56,226 - Harvey, known for comedy. 306 00:10:56,225 --> 00:10:58,055 "Blues Brothers 2000." 307 00:10:58,060 --> 00:10:59,260 "Police Academy 6." 308 00:10:59,261 --> 00:11:00,661 And if you’re asking yourself, 309 00:11:00,662 --> 00:11:02,902 what could I bring to your little fuck romp, 310 00:11:02,898 --> 00:11:04,168 I was executive consultant 311 00:11:04,166 --> 00:11:07,936 on "Red Shoe Diaries," seasons 3, 6, 312 00:11:07,937 --> 00:11:10,037 and a good chunk of 8. 313 00:11:10,039 --> 00:11:12,209 Where’s your toilet? 314 00:11:14,743 --> 00:11:17,313 - Matthew, I have been here corpse-sitting your fiancé, 315 00:11:17,312 --> 00:11:18,412 but this "Weekend at Bernie’s" 316 00:11:18,413 --> 00:11:20,053 is coming to a close, 317 00:11:20,049 --> 00:11:22,479 and his best friend, Marie, hasn’t even shown up yet. 318 00:11:22,484 --> 00:11:24,824 - Her flight was delayed because of the terror alert. 319 00:11:24,819 --> 00:11:26,389 - Well, I don’t know what you want me to do. 320 00:11:26,388 --> 00:11:28,518 He’s moping around here like Tony Bennett 321 00:11:28,523 --> 00:11:30,933 during Gaga’s parts of "Baby It’s Cold Outside." 322 00:11:30,926 --> 00:11:32,386 Get over here, and pick him up. 323 00:11:32,394 --> 00:11:33,864 - I’m getting married tomorrow. 324 00:11:33,862 --> 00:11:35,502 I can’t have Elmer see me before the wedding. 325 00:11:35,497 --> 00:11:37,027 It’s bad enough I’ve been sending pics 326 00:11:37,032 --> 00:11:38,502 of my hole from the salon. 327 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,100 This bleacher’s a maestro. 328 00:11:40,102 --> 00:11:41,842 - Do you have anything else you want to say that proves 329 00:11:41,836 --> 00:11:44,236 Victoria Jackson was right? Or else I’m hanging up. 330 00:11:44,239 --> 00:11:45,439 Good-bye. 331 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,780 - Hey. - Oh, hey, Arthur. 332 00:11:47,776 --> 00:11:49,476 Julie’s not here. I don’t know where she is. 333 00:11:49,478 --> 00:11:51,608 - She’s home. She’s not talking to me. 334 00:11:51,613 --> 00:11:53,253 She has some writer guy coming over 335 00:11:53,248 --> 00:11:54,678 so I came to talk to you. 336 00:11:54,683 --> 00:11:56,453 - Look, Arthur, I don’t want to get involved. 337 00:11:56,451 --> 00:11:58,351 - You know how she wrote this provocative article, 338 00:11:58,353 --> 00:11:59,823 and she says I’m slutshaming her? 339 00:11:59,821 --> 00:12:01,591 - What, were you freaked out that she fucked 20 guys 340 00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:03,630 in a week? - Lightweight. 341 00:12:03,625 --> 00:12:04,955 - So, what, were you jealous? 342 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,530 - Is it weird if I say yes? 343 00:12:06,528 --> 00:12:08,598 - Well, it is a little straight guy of you, but-- 344 00:12:08,597 --> 00:12:10,097 - Well, I don’t exactly think of myself 345 00:12:10,099 --> 00:12:12,199 as the mouth-breathing caveman type. 346 00:12:12,201 --> 00:12:14,301 - Arthur, I don’t know from sexism, okay? 347 00:12:14,303 --> 00:12:16,543 When I saw "I Stand With Wendy" was trending on Twitter, 348 00:12:16,538 --> 00:12:18,408 I thought the Snapple lady had died, 349 00:12:18,407 --> 00:12:19,977 but I guess I do think 350 00:12:19,975 --> 00:12:21,805 that when you judge someone for sucking too much dick, 351 00:12:21,810 --> 00:12:24,350 you’re dragging gay men and straight women down. 352 00:12:24,346 --> 00:12:26,146 - I’m the opposite of homophobic. 353 00:12:26,148 --> 00:12:28,248 - Then prove it. Suck my dick. 354 00:12:28,250 --> 00:12:30,020 - No, thank you. 355 00:12:30,019 --> 00:12:31,249 - Anyone who dates Julie 356 00:12:31,253 --> 00:12:32,753 is gonna have to be a little gay. 357 00:12:32,754 --> 00:12:34,624 I’m not saying effeminate, although, you know, 358 00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:37,633 you already straddle that line with a very delicate balance. 359 00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,286 - I like my handkerchief collection. 360 00:12:39,294 --> 00:12:40,564 - Yeah, me too. 361 00:12:40,562 --> 00:12:41,962 - Please, don’t even look at him. 362 00:12:41,964 --> 00:12:43,334 He’ll take it the wrong way. 363 00:12:43,332 --> 00:12:45,202 All I’m saying is, gays, 364 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,870 we don’t really get jealous of the guys 365 00:12:46,868 --> 00:12:48,438 that came in the past. 366 00:12:48,437 --> 00:12:49,937 Treat Julie right now, and you won’t have to worry 367 00:12:49,939 --> 00:12:52,309 about there being guys that come after you. 368 00:12:52,307 --> 00:12:55,307 - Yeah, that makes sense. 369 00:12:55,310 --> 00:12:56,780 Thank you. 370 00:12:56,778 --> 00:12:58,508 - Yeah, come here. - Oh, come here. 371 00:12:58,513 --> 00:13:00,523 - All right. - Ah, now at last 372 00:13:00,515 --> 00:13:02,915 we’re getting somewhere. - Go home. 373 00:13:02,918 --> 00:13:05,048 - Bye. - Save yourself. 374 00:13:05,054 --> 00:13:07,124 Pull that zipper back up. 375 00:13:07,122 --> 00:13:08,792 Zip it, zip it. 376 00:13:08,790 --> 00:13:10,330 There you go. 377 00:13:10,325 --> 00:13:12,855 - So I said to Miss Sherilyn Fenn, 378 00:13:12,861 --> 00:13:15,131 "Hey, missy, you could be replaced." 379 00:13:15,130 --> 00:13:17,570 But this was when my IBS was at its peak. 380 00:13:17,566 --> 00:13:19,426 Would you like to see my CableACE Award? 381 00:13:19,434 --> 00:13:21,474 - No, thank you, Harvey, for the third time. 382 00:13:21,470 --> 00:13:24,270 And would you please keep the food that you brought 383 00:13:24,273 --> 00:13:26,043 and refused to share in your mouth 384 00:13:26,041 --> 00:13:27,411 and not on the floor, okay? 385 00:13:27,409 --> 00:13:29,579 My dogs can’t eat that much pastrami. 386 00:13:29,578 --> 00:13:31,678 - Noodles, what’s that smell? - It’s bad ideas 387 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,950 and whatever cologne this hack bathed in. 388 00:13:33,949 --> 00:13:36,349 - That, pussy, is my foot spray. 389 00:13:36,351 --> 00:13:37,491 How are you? 390 00:13:37,486 --> 00:13:39,916 Harvey. Known for comedy. 391 00:13:39,922 --> 00:13:42,362 Would you like to see my CableACE Award? 392 00:13:42,357 --> 00:13:44,527 This one was for "Dream On," 393 00:13:44,526 --> 00:13:47,096 the first sitcom to show yabbos. 394 00:13:47,096 --> 00:13:49,656 - I’m Arthur Tack, Julie’s boyfriend. 395 00:13:49,664 --> 00:13:51,004 - Boyfriend? 396 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,800 Really? - Yeah, why? 397 00:13:52,801 --> 00:13:54,341 - I’ve always been fascinated 398 00:13:54,336 --> 00:13:56,966 by men who are interested in loose women. 399 00:13:56,972 --> 00:13:58,072 - Excuse me? - No, no, 400 00:13:58,073 --> 00:13:59,243 no, you like what you like. 401 00:13:59,241 --> 00:14:00,481 I like what I like. 402 00:14:00,475 --> 00:14:02,905 And, aah, "Different Strokes," 403 00:14:02,912 --> 00:14:03,952 a sitcom, by the way, 404 00:14:03,946 --> 00:14:05,876 that fired me because they claimed 405 00:14:05,881 --> 00:14:09,181 that my pitches were racist and unfunny. 406 00:14:09,184 --> 00:14:10,494 Here, let me tell you 407 00:14:10,485 --> 00:14:12,085 why I should be able to use the N word. 408 00:14:12,087 --> 00:14:13,587 - Listen, you dinosaur, 409 00:14:13,588 --> 00:14:15,288 you don’t get to come into my house 410 00:14:15,290 --> 00:14:17,590 and slutshame my girlfriend. 411 00:14:17,592 --> 00:14:19,692 - No, no, no shame, 412 00:14:19,694 --> 00:14:21,704 just some girls are meant to schtup 413 00:14:21,696 --> 00:14:23,026 and some are meant to marry. 414 00:14:23,032 --> 00:14:24,802 - Whomever my girlfriend was intimate with 415 00:14:24,799 --> 00:14:27,699 before she met me has nothing to do with me 416 00:14:27,702 --> 00:14:30,112 and is nothing for her to be embarrassed by. 417 00:14:30,105 --> 00:14:32,905 Besides, I fucked inexperienced women before and it’s awful. 418 00:14:32,908 --> 00:14:36,378 - Well, I am not leaving until I finish my sour pickle. 419 00:14:36,378 --> 00:14:38,508 In fact, I’ll bet Carrot Top here 420 00:14:38,513 --> 00:14:41,583 has left many a man with a case of sour pickle. 421 00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:43,793 - You son of a bitch. 422 00:14:43,785 --> 00:14:46,885 Oh. 423 00:14:46,889 --> 00:14:49,219 - Ow, ow, ow. - How do you like that? 424 00:14:49,224 --> 00:14:51,264 - Stop. - Oh, Jesus. 425 00:14:51,260 --> 00:14:53,930 [laughing and grunting] 426 00:14:53,929 --> 00:14:55,999 - Ow, ow, not my hair. 427 00:14:55,998 --> 00:14:57,898 Ow, ow, my face. 428 00:14:57,900 --> 00:15:01,100 - Sweetie, what’s the Zappos password again? 429 00:15:01,103 --> 00:15:03,773 So you’re sure you’re okay with me 430 00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:05,372 not wanting to work with Harvey? 431 00:15:05,374 --> 00:15:06,744 - Oh, my God. 432 00:15:06,741 --> 00:15:07,811 Of course. 433 00:15:07,809 --> 00:15:09,839 - I was so nervous when I called you. 434 00:15:09,844 --> 00:15:10,984 - Oh, no, in fact, 435 00:15:10,980 --> 00:15:13,580 we think we found a brilliant solution. 436 00:15:13,582 --> 00:15:15,322 - A brilliant solution. 437 00:15:15,317 --> 00:15:18,887 - Fern, come in and say hi. 438 00:15:18,888 --> 00:15:19,748 - Hi. 439 00:15:19,754 --> 00:15:22,364 - Oh, such an original voice. 440 00:15:22,357 --> 00:15:24,587 Julie, meet Fern Fujihara. 441 00:15:24,593 --> 00:15:26,563 She Snapchats food that she doesn’t eat 442 00:15:26,561 --> 00:15:28,461 that she balances on the forehead of her guinea pig, 443 00:15:28,463 --> 00:15:31,503 and she is going to be adapting your life story 444 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,200 for the screen. 445 00:15:33,202 --> 00:15:34,472 - Wait, I’m sorry, 446 00:15:34,469 --> 00:15:36,669 so you want me to write a screenplay 447 00:15:36,671 --> 00:15:38,141 with a 14-year-old? 448 00:15:38,140 --> 00:15:39,880 - Oh, no, she’s gonna write it with Harvey. 449 00:15:39,875 --> 00:15:41,735 - You said you didn’t want to. 450 00:15:41,743 --> 00:15:44,013 - But don’t worry, she’s gonna write it in your voice. 451 00:15:44,013 --> 00:15:46,723 - She’s gonna write it in my voice? 452 00:15:46,715 --> 00:15:48,475 Who is she, Rich fucking Little? 453 00:15:48,483 --> 00:15:49,523 - Who’s that? 454 00:15:49,518 --> 00:15:50,648 Does he write for Rookie? 455 00:15:50,652 --> 00:15:51,922 - No, no, no, no. 456 00:15:51,921 --> 00:15:54,291 This is my story. This is my voice. 457 00:15:54,289 --> 00:15:55,859 Nobody can write in my voice. 458 00:15:55,857 --> 00:15:58,357 - Julie. - Where’s Josh Gad? 459 00:15:58,360 --> 00:15:59,430 Josh Gad? 460 00:15:59,428 --> 00:16:00,698 - Julie, he’s not here. 461 00:16:00,695 --> 00:16:02,855 - Josh Gad? - He’s never here. 462 00:16:02,864 --> 00:16:06,574 - Josh? 463 00:16:06,568 --> 00:16:08,038 - So you told them to eat shit? 464 00:16:08,037 --> 00:16:10,937 - Well, technically I blamed my little outburst 465 00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:11,970 on low blood sugar, 466 00:16:11,974 --> 00:16:13,484 locked myself in the ladies room, 467 00:16:13,475 --> 00:16:15,005 ate a Twix bar, and when I came out I said 468 00:16:15,010 --> 00:16:17,380 that Harvey and Fern were a dream pairing, 469 00:16:17,379 --> 00:16:20,549 and I’d love to be involved with the project in any capacity. 470 00:16:20,549 --> 00:16:22,749 - Oh, this is so degrading. 471 00:16:22,751 --> 00:16:24,451 I bet this is what Kevin Spacey feels like 472 00:16:24,453 --> 00:16:25,853 when some hot, young Latino guy 473 00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:27,594 doesn’t get his Jack Lemmon impression. 474 00:16:27,589 --> 00:16:30,229 - Well, the good news is if I make nice and hang out, 475 00:16:30,225 --> 00:16:32,785 they might even let me name some of the characters. 476 00:16:32,794 --> 00:16:34,404 - So you’re not giving up? 477 00:16:34,396 --> 00:16:35,996 - No. I’m selling out. 478 00:16:35,998 --> 00:16:38,698 - Well, as long as life continues to disappoint us, 479 00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:42,800 I’m going to pee. Excuse me. 480 00:16:42,804 --> 00:16:44,874 - Oh, hey, I’m just looking for the bathroom. 481 00:16:44,874 --> 00:16:47,314 - Come here. I need help with my cuff link. 482 00:16:47,309 --> 00:16:48,639 - I’m so sorry, I have to pee. 483 00:16:48,643 --> 00:16:50,983 - No, come on, give an old-timer a hand, 484 00:16:50,980 --> 00:16:52,750 you piece of shit. 485 00:16:52,747 --> 00:16:54,547 - Okay. 486 00:16:54,549 --> 00:16:56,489 - They belonged to my grandfather. 487 00:16:56,485 --> 00:16:58,445 Genuine wooly mammoth ivory. 488 00:16:58,453 --> 00:16:59,753 - I feel like Carl Reiner 489 00:16:59,754 --> 00:17:01,664 interviewing the 2, 000-year-old bottom. 490 00:17:01,656 --> 00:17:03,286 - First of all, I’m versatile. 491 00:17:03,292 --> 00:17:06,032 Second, I know you think I’m a walking corpse 492 00:17:06,028 --> 00:17:08,628 that you have nothing in common with, but you’re wrong. 493 00:17:08,630 --> 00:17:10,100 Ah, thank you. 494 00:17:10,099 --> 00:17:12,729 When I was your age I was just as single as you are, 495 00:17:12,734 --> 00:17:14,774 and things were a lot worse back then. 496 00:17:14,769 --> 00:17:16,439 - Were they? Because now everyone lives 497 00:17:16,438 --> 00:17:18,008 in constant fear of terrorism, 498 00:17:18,007 --> 00:17:20,337 and everyone meets on their phones now, 499 00:17:20,342 --> 00:17:23,912 and you got to be a fucking bear or an otter, 500 00:17:23,913 --> 00:17:25,613 and even if you do meet someone, 501 00:17:25,614 --> 00:17:27,084 you never really know who they are, 502 00:17:27,082 --> 00:17:29,452 and then they turn out to be fucking cannibals 503 00:17:29,451 --> 00:17:32,291 or they’re old-timey neo-Nazis. 504 00:17:32,287 --> 00:17:34,557 What the fucking fuck? Why me? 505 00:17:34,556 --> 00:17:36,956 - Because you say shit like "why me?" 506 00:17:36,959 --> 00:17:40,729 Self-pity is like eating a piece of bad fish. 507 00:17:40,729 --> 00:17:42,969 And I’m not talking about pussy. - Delightful. 508 00:17:42,965 --> 00:17:45,095 Can you get to the point of your elderly wisdom please? 509 00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:46,270 I must pee. 510 00:17:46,268 --> 00:17:47,938 - [stammering] 511 00:17:47,937 --> 00:17:51,137 When you eat bad food you feel sick, 512 00:17:51,140 --> 00:17:52,810 you fart all the time, 513 00:17:52,807 --> 00:17:54,877 and no one wants to be around you. 514 00:17:54,877 --> 00:17:56,677 And that’s where you are. 515 00:17:56,678 --> 00:17:58,048 You’re a big fart, 516 00:17:58,047 --> 00:17:59,647 and no one wants to be around you. 517 00:17:59,648 --> 00:18:01,818 - Excuse me? I have friends. A friend. 518 00:18:01,816 --> 00:18:05,386 - Then stop being such an impatient New Yorker. 519 00:18:05,387 --> 00:18:08,157 It took me 97 years to meet Matthew, 520 00:18:08,157 --> 00:18:10,857 but if you think I spent my whole life without love, 521 00:18:10,859 --> 00:18:12,689 you’re as stupid as Fatty Arbuckle, 522 00:18:12,694 --> 00:18:14,364 that stupid piece of shit. 523 00:18:14,363 --> 00:18:15,403 - So glad you brought him up. 524 00:18:15,397 --> 00:18:16,597 - Elmer. 525 00:18:16,598 --> 00:18:19,528 Oh, Elmer, darling. 526 00:18:19,534 --> 00:18:21,604 I am so sorry I’m late. 527 00:18:21,603 --> 00:18:23,613 - Marie. Mwah. 528 00:18:23,605 --> 00:18:25,405 - Marie. You’re real. 529 00:18:25,407 --> 00:18:26,677 - Who’s this idiot? 530 00:18:26,675 --> 00:18:28,205 - Oh, he’s just some mopey little faggot 531 00:18:28,210 --> 00:18:30,710 who’s convinced he’s gonna die alone. 532 00:18:30,712 --> 00:18:32,512 - Oh, well, boo fucking hoo. 533 00:18:32,514 --> 00:18:34,024 I’m Elmer’s hag. 534 00:18:34,016 --> 00:18:36,946 Do you know, those pig fuckers at the TSA 535 00:18:36,952 --> 00:18:40,622 patted me down so hard I almost squirted. 536 00:18:40,622 --> 00:18:43,192 But it’s gonna take more than a second 9/11 537 00:18:43,192 --> 00:18:48,032 to keep me away from my best friend’s gay wedding. 538 00:18:48,030 --> 00:18:50,470 - Marie’s the gal whose love sustained me 539 00:18:50,465 --> 00:18:52,025 through the last century. 540 00:18:52,034 --> 00:18:54,944 - Oh, and not the easiest century for gay men either. 541 00:18:54,937 --> 00:18:57,667 - Nor sluts. - Hey, fuck you. 542 00:18:57,672 --> 00:18:59,812 - Ha! - We have fun. 543 00:18:59,808 --> 00:19:02,108 - This looks familiar. 544 00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:06,650 - Marie? Who knew? 545 00:19:06,648 --> 00:19:08,678 - Her and Elmer are actually pretty cute. 546 00:19:08,683 --> 00:19:10,893 Arthur, what happened to your eye? 547 00:19:10,886 --> 00:19:13,886 - I incurred the displeasure of a hacky comedy writer 548 00:19:13,889 --> 00:19:16,059 who called Julie a hooker. 549 00:19:16,058 --> 00:19:17,088 - Oh, I’m sorry. 550 00:19:17,092 --> 00:19:21,502 Excuse me, you look familiar. Did we? 551 00:19:21,496 --> 00:19:23,396 - Fuck the week of 9/11? - Yes! 552 00:19:23,398 --> 00:19:25,468 [both laughing] How are you? 553 00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:26,767 - I’m great. You look well. 554 00:19:26,768 --> 00:19:28,268 - You look well. 555 00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:31,010 Speaking of, I mean, this wedding-- 556 00:19:31,006 --> 00:19:33,776 Oh, got you. [mumbling] 557 00:19:33,775 --> 00:19:37,105 - Great seeing you. Never forget. 558 00:19:37,112 --> 00:19:38,352 - Hi, everyone. 559 00:19:38,347 --> 00:19:41,217 My name is Rita, and I’m an ordained minister, 560 00:19:41,216 --> 00:19:43,916 and I’ll be performing today’s nuptials. 561 00:19:43,919 --> 00:19:46,359 Another fun fact is I live in the attic 562 00:19:46,355 --> 00:19:50,725 of this banquet hall with my roommate, Kiki. 563 00:19:50,725 --> 00:19:52,225 - If there’s anyone in the congregation 564 00:19:52,227 --> 00:19:55,227 who’d like to buy some uppers, ludes, 565 00:19:55,230 --> 00:19:58,130 angel dust or bennies, I’m holding. 566 00:19:58,133 --> 00:19:59,233 - She sure is. 567 00:19:59,234 --> 00:20:01,274 And you know what else Kiki’s holding? 568 00:20:01,270 --> 00:20:02,600 Key to my heart. 569 00:20:02,604 --> 00:20:04,074 - Oh, really. You’re too much. 570 00:20:04,073 --> 00:20:06,683 - So we have to save the rest for later. 571 00:20:06,675 --> 00:20:09,205 Let’s get this road on the show. 572 00:20:09,211 --> 00:20:10,751 Hit it, Kiki. 573 00:20:10,745 --> 00:20:13,745 [electronic rendition of "The Wedding March"] 574 00:20:13,748 --> 00:20:21,888 ♪ ♪ 575 00:20:33,368 --> 00:20:34,898 Ladies and gentlemen, 576 00:20:34,904 --> 00:20:37,674 this evening’s performance, the role of the wedding, 577 00:20:37,672 --> 00:20:39,982 will now be played by a funeral. 578 00:20:39,975 --> 00:20:43,475 Apparently Elmer has suddenly died. 579 00:20:43,478 --> 00:20:46,918 - What? - Chord change. 580 00:20:46,916 --> 00:20:48,376 - Okay, everybody stay in their seats. 581 00:20:48,383 --> 00:20:49,553 - No. 582 00:20:49,551 --> 00:20:51,591 - This happens all the time, okay? 583 00:20:51,586 --> 00:20:53,186 Funeral. Funeral. 584 00:20:53,188 --> 00:20:54,458 Super sweet 16. 585 00:20:54,456 --> 00:20:57,026 Father-daughter virginity pledge, oh, my God. 586 00:20:57,026 --> 00:21:00,756 - Ladies and gentlemen, ever since Elmer and I met, 587 00:21:00,762 --> 00:21:03,672 he has died, technically, every day, 588 00:21:03,665 --> 00:21:08,195 from between 30 seconds and four minutes. 589 00:21:08,203 --> 00:21:13,743 Even still, I find myself completely unprepared. 590 00:21:13,742 --> 00:21:14,842 Key of B flat please. 591 00:21:14,843 --> 00:21:16,513 Thank you. 592 00:21:16,511 --> 00:21:18,481 ["Ave Maria" playing] 593 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,450 - Ah. 594 00:21:20,449 --> 00:21:24,119 ♪ Ave ♪ 595 00:21:24,119 --> 00:21:30,059 ♪ Maria ♪ 596 00:21:31,593 --> 00:21:36,033 ♪ Gratia plena ♪ 597 00:21:36,031 --> 00:21:38,501 ♪ ♪ 598 00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:41,440 ♪ Maria ♪ 599 00:21:41,436 --> 00:21:46,836 ♪ Gratia plena ♪ 600 00:21:46,841 --> 00:21:48,981 ♪ Maria gratia plena ♪ 601 00:21:48,978 --> 00:21:51,408 - Just think, someday that could be us. 602 00:21:51,413 --> 00:21:54,623 - I hope I fit into a body bag that size. 603 00:21:54,616 --> 00:21:56,916 - Elmer and I met at a urinal. 604 00:21:56,919 --> 00:21:59,419 I remember the first thing I said was, 605 00:21:59,421 --> 00:22:00,991 "Hey, save some of that for me." 606 00:22:00,990 --> 00:22:03,090 - Oh, no. - Not this again. 607 00:22:03,092 --> 00:22:04,292 [groans and chatter] No. 608 00:22:04,293 --> 00:22:06,133 [rock music] 609 00:22:06,128 --> 00:22:07,958 - The weather’s terrible. What do you want to do? 610 00:22:07,963 --> 00:22:10,333 Should we see a bad movie? - Oh, definitely. 611 00:22:10,332 --> 00:22:12,102 And in honor of your dad, when the lights come up. 612 00:22:12,101 --> 00:22:13,571 I’m gonna say, "I loved it!" 613 00:22:13,568 --> 00:22:15,968 - And in honor of Elmer, I will expose my genitals 614 00:22:15,971 --> 00:22:17,341 to everyone at Fandango. 615 00:22:17,339 --> 00:22:19,879 - Hey, look who’s open to love again. 616 00:22:19,875 --> 00:22:21,705 - To be honest, I got to episode 13 617 00:22:21,710 --> 00:22:23,310 of Kevin Spacey’s Master Class, 618 00:22:23,312 --> 00:22:26,382 and it was pretty much just him yelling at the lighting guy 619 00:22:26,381 --> 00:22:28,081 to try to make his wig look real, 620 00:22:28,083 --> 00:22:30,423 and I thought, "I don’t want to be like that." 621 00:22:30,419 --> 00:22:32,919 - Good for you. I’m proud of you. 622 00:22:32,922 --> 00:22:34,322 You sure you’re not disappointed in me 623 00:22:34,323 --> 00:22:35,933 in not telling the Gadzooks people 624 00:22:35,925 --> 00:22:36,955 to go fuck themselves? 625 00:22:36,959 --> 00:22:37,989 - Of course not. 626 00:22:37,993 --> 00:22:39,663 This is show business. 627 00:22:39,661 --> 00:22:42,001 We’ve done worse for less. 628 00:22:41,997 --> 00:22:44,197 [horn honking] 629 00:22:44,199 --> 00:22:46,269 - Hey, are you guys the folks 630 00:22:46,268 --> 00:22:48,368 that ordered the Here Comes the Choo-Choo? 631 00:22:48,370 --> 00:22:52,540 Hope you don’t mind sitting backwards in the caboose. 632 00:22:52,541 --> 00:22:54,111 - Maybe we should just say fuck the Amber Alert 633 00:22:54,109 --> 00:22:55,309 and take the subway. 634 00:22:55,310 --> 00:22:56,950 - They say we shouldn’t take it. 635 00:22:56,946 --> 00:22:58,976 They don’t say we can’t take it. - Yeah. 636 00:22:58,981 --> 00:23:00,981 I don’t know if it’s Elmer or what, 637 00:23:00,983 --> 00:23:02,683 but life is too short to wait around, 638 00:23:02,684 --> 00:23:05,254 whether it’s for a car that’s wearing a hat 639 00:23:05,254 --> 00:23:06,624 or a boyfriend 640 00:23:06,621 --> 00:23:09,261 or the perfect opportunity for you to write your own movie. 641 00:23:09,258 --> 00:23:12,958 - Yeah, besides, we’re New Yorkers; we hate waiting. 642 00:23:12,962 --> 00:23:15,232 - Yeah, we’re impatient and unhappy. 643 00:23:15,230 --> 00:23:17,770 - By the way, in those Master Class videos, 644 00:23:17,766 --> 00:23:20,296 did Kevin Spacey say anything about Robin Wright? 645 00:23:20,302 --> 00:23:23,212 Specifically whether or not she keeps M&M’s 646 00:23:23,205 --> 00:23:25,235 in that hole she has in her collarbone? 647 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:26,880 - Oh, yeah, she does, but she only eats them 648 00:23:26,876 --> 00:23:28,876 on her cheat day. - [laughs] 649 00:23:28,878 --> 00:23:30,878 - Oh, my God, it’s Pizza Rat! 650 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:33,280 [laughter] 651 00:23:33,282 --> 00:23:36,292 [Belle & Sebastian’s "The Party Line"] 652 00:23:36,285 --> 00:23:39,485 [driving punk rock music] 653 00:23:39,488 --> 00:23:47,428 ♪ ♪ 654 00:24:04,079 --> 00:24:05,919 MAN: ♪ How did I get here? ♪ 655 00:24:05,915 --> 00:24:08,275 ♪ I heard a rumor ♪ 656 00:24:08,283 --> 00:24:09,993 ♪ From your girlfriend’s sister ♪ 657 00:24:09,985 --> 00:24:12,345 ♪ That you knew me ♪ 658 00:24:12,354 --> 00:24:16,164 ♪ And you end up dancing close to me ♪