1 00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:03,806 KAYLA: Julie, Billy. 2 00:00:03,811 --> 00:00:05,881 We love a list here at Buzzlist, 3 00:00:05,879 --> 00:00:07,319 so I hope you guys have plenty 4 00:00:07,315 --> 00:00:09,145 for your two-week trial here as guest bloggers. 5 00:00:09,150 --> 00:00:11,090 - Oh, don’t worry, we’re bursting with lists. 6 00:00:11,085 --> 00:00:13,115 - "7 Ways to Cook Bacon in the ’90s." 7 00:00:13,121 --> 00:00:15,191 - "21 Ways to Tell That You’re Introvert 8 00:00:15,189 --> 00:00:17,789 Who Won’t Shut Up About Being an Introvert on Social Media." 9 00:00:17,791 --> 00:00:19,661 - "5 Ways to Kill Yourself After Posting 10 00:00:19,660 --> 00:00:21,600 Your ’I’m an Introvert’ Quiz Results." 11 00:00:21,595 --> 00:00:24,025 - You guys will fit in great here. 12 00:00:24,032 --> 00:00:25,902 - No one’s ever said that to us. Ever. 13 00:00:25,899 --> 00:00:27,699 - Ever. I get a full-time job here, 14 00:00:27,701 --> 00:00:29,071 I can finally quit the cafe. 15 00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:31,410 - And I can finally quit that shitty day job 16 00:00:31,405 --> 00:00:32,805 I keep pretending I’m gonna get. 17 00:00:32,806 --> 00:00:34,636 - Two weeks of list-making and quizzes 18 00:00:34,642 --> 00:00:36,042 and then we get a full-time job? 19 00:00:36,044 --> 00:00:38,114 My immigrant grandparents would be appalled. 20 00:00:38,112 --> 00:00:39,112 Perfect. 21 00:00:39,113 --> 00:00:40,683 - Now, so you guys might be asked 22 00:00:40,681 --> 00:00:42,051 to write sponsored posts, 23 00:00:42,050 --> 00:00:44,190 which we pepper into our regular lists 24 00:00:44,185 --> 00:00:46,415 for, you know, sneaky advertising. 25 00:00:46,420 --> 00:00:47,820 - Oh, that sounds ethical. 26 00:00:47,821 --> 00:00:50,261 - [exhales] If people really care so much 27 00:00:50,258 --> 00:00:53,458 about violating their privacy, why are they on Facebook? 28 00:00:53,461 --> 00:00:54,961 [all laugh] JULIE: Idiots. 29 00:00:54,963 --> 00:00:57,733 - So right now they are working on a sponsored post 30 00:00:57,731 --> 00:00:59,331 for Showtime, which is called 31 00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:01,673 "6 Things to Look Forward to on Showtime This Year." 32 00:01:01,669 --> 00:01:02,839 - They found six things? 33 00:01:02,836 --> 00:01:04,436 - Yeah, apparently Ray Donovan 34 00:01:04,438 --> 00:01:05,768 is getting a new hat, 35 00:01:05,773 --> 00:01:07,613 and they’ve begun a casting search 36 00:01:07,608 --> 00:01:09,078 for a companion series to "The Affair." 37 00:01:09,077 --> 00:01:10,947 - Ooh, a casting search. - I’m gonna make a list 38 00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:12,605 of eight shows I’m never gonna watch, 39 00:01:12,613 --> 00:01:14,253 and all eight are "The Affair." 40 00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:16,078 - I love how that show is so well written, 41 00:01:16,084 --> 00:01:17,824 and yet it manages to be so boring. 42 00:01:17,818 --> 00:01:19,488 - Cable providers should change their name 43 00:01:19,487 --> 00:01:21,317 to "Let’s Waste Mare Winningham." 44 00:01:21,322 --> 00:01:23,192 - Hey, you’re allowed to bring a bunny to work? 45 00:01:23,191 --> 00:01:26,161 KAYLA: Oh, yeah, all service animals are welcome here. 46 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:29,060 - That’s amazing news, ’cause I have two. 47 00:01:29,063 --> 00:01:30,803 Three if you count Tootsie Rolls. 48 00:01:30,798 --> 00:01:33,328 - Here’s your new office. 49 00:01:33,334 --> 00:01:36,344 [driving punk rock music] 50 00:01:36,337 --> 00:01:42,177 ♪ ♪ 51 00:01:43,711 --> 00:01:45,751 - Pen cap, you know that money conversation we had? 52 00:01:45,746 --> 00:01:47,776 - Oh, fuck, you got the AmEx bill. 53 00:01:47,781 --> 00:01:50,621 I can explain. - No, it’s not the AmEx bill. 54 00:01:50,618 --> 00:01:53,018 - Oh, great, never mind. 55 00:01:53,021 --> 00:01:55,661 Money talk over. Beep Boop. Transmission ended. 56 00:01:55,656 --> 00:01:57,756 Now will you make dinner? - Actually, 57 00:01:57,758 --> 00:01:59,228 I think I’ve come up with a solution 58 00:01:59,227 --> 00:02:01,927 that could save us a substantial amount in taxes. 59 00:02:01,930 --> 00:02:03,830 - There you go. I knew you could do it. 60 00:02:03,831 --> 00:02:05,171 Oh, how about waffles for dinner? 61 00:02:05,166 --> 00:02:08,396 - I was thinking, we could register... 62 00:02:08,402 --> 00:02:09,772 - Oh, no. - As... 63 00:02:09,770 --> 00:02:12,710 - Ah, bup-bup-bup-bup-- - Domestic partners. 64 00:02:12,706 --> 00:02:14,676 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... 65 00:02:14,675 --> 00:02:17,175 - Why not? - No. 66 00:02:17,178 --> 00:02:21,678 Because, Arthur, it’s square and it sounds complicated 67 00:02:21,682 --> 00:02:23,922 and paperwork and official and-- 68 00:02:23,918 --> 00:02:25,388 don’t rock the boat. 69 00:02:25,386 --> 00:02:27,886 You’re trying to tame a wild horse. 70 00:02:27,888 --> 00:02:30,018 I gotta see the world, man. 71 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:31,764 - The world? You don’t even get off the couch 72 00:02:31,759 --> 00:02:32,789 to have dinner. 73 00:02:32,793 --> 00:02:34,133 - You know what intrigues me? 74 00:02:34,128 --> 00:02:36,198 The last word of your sentence just now. 75 00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:37,367 Dinner. 76 00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:39,495 - We have some serious financial concerns. 77 00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:42,200 - Well, Billy and I are about to be permanently hired, 78 00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:44,643 and Showtime is casting for a new series 79 00:02:44,638 --> 00:02:45,868 that I just heard about today, 80 00:02:45,873 --> 00:02:47,713 So stop acting all cranky 81 00:02:47,708 --> 00:02:51,148 like Martin Sheen being forced to play a gay guy on that show. 82 00:02:51,145 --> 00:02:54,175 - This isn’t a joke, Julie. - [sighs] 83 00:02:54,182 --> 00:02:55,652 - Do you hear me? JULIE: Yes. 84 00:02:55,649 --> 00:02:57,389 - It’s not a joke. - I know. 85 00:02:57,385 --> 00:02:58,585 - And you know what? - What? 86 00:02:58,586 --> 00:03:00,046 - Neither is "Grace and Frankie." 87 00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:01,224 - Oh, Jesus Christ. - You could learn something 88 00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:03,722 from that show. It has a lot of heart. 89 00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:08,928 Cook your own dinner! 90 00:03:11,732 --> 00:03:13,732 - How? 91 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:19,006 ♪ Who’s gonna be two service dogs? ♪ 92 00:03:19,007 --> 00:03:22,037 ♪ You’re gonna be two service dogs ♪ 93 00:03:22,043 --> 00:03:24,783 ♪ ♪ 94 00:03:24,778 --> 00:03:25,848 [dance music] 95 00:03:25,846 --> 00:03:27,376 - Sorry, not tonight, man. 96 00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:28,451 - Not tonight what? 97 00:03:28,449 --> 00:03:29,779 - We have enough bears inside. 98 00:03:29,783 --> 00:03:32,053 - Bears? I am way too fit to be a bear. 99 00:03:32,053 --> 00:03:33,523 - Well, you’re too old to be a cub. 100 00:03:33,521 --> 00:03:34,721 - Well, then I’m Kissyfur. 101 00:03:34,722 --> 00:03:36,022 I’m the teen bear, so... 102 00:03:36,024 --> 00:03:37,794 - Teen? Girl, please. 103 00:03:37,791 --> 00:03:39,131 - And you’re not a wolf. - If you were a wolf, 104 00:03:39,127 --> 00:03:40,627 we’d let you in. - Definitely. 105 00:03:40,628 --> 00:03:42,628 We’re also always looking for otters and jackals. 106 00:03:42,630 --> 00:03:44,000 - Oh, jackals are a thing now? 107 00:03:43,998 --> 00:03:45,068 - Yeah, they’re blond wolves 108 00:03:45,066 --> 00:03:46,426 with a tan and a good laugh. 109 00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:47,804 - Well, then what am I? 110 00:03:47,801 --> 00:03:49,671 - I mean, sort of nothing. 111 00:03:49,670 --> 00:03:51,170 - Yeah, nothing. 112 00:03:51,172 --> 00:03:52,972 - Maybe try the piano bar down the street. 113 00:03:52,974 --> 00:03:55,544 - The piano bar? Fuck you. 114 00:03:55,543 --> 00:03:56,783 [somber music] 115 00:03:56,777 --> 00:03:58,607 Excuse me. 116 00:03:58,612 --> 00:04:01,352 Cubs, wolves, otters, excuse me. 117 00:04:01,349 --> 00:04:04,819 Old McDonald had a fucking farm out here! 118 00:04:04,818 --> 00:04:08,458 ♪ ♪ 119 00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:10,316 [sighs] 120 00:04:10,324 --> 00:04:13,364 ♪ ♪ 121 00:04:13,361 --> 00:04:15,361 What’s going on here? 122 00:04:15,363 --> 00:04:17,133 - Sorry, nobody’s getting in tonight. 123 00:04:17,131 --> 00:04:19,271 [music fades out] - Are--are you kidding me? 124 00:04:19,267 --> 00:04:21,167 - The whole building is quarantined. 125 00:04:21,169 --> 00:04:22,269 Ebola scare. 126 00:04:22,270 --> 00:04:23,900 - Ebola? 127 00:04:26,507 --> 00:04:29,737 Excuse me? Ebola? 128 00:04:29,743 --> 00:04:31,783 Well, wh--what is this, 2014? 129 00:04:31,779 --> 00:04:33,479 - [chuckles] That’s a good one. 130 00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:36,281 Now get outta here. 131 00:04:36,284 --> 00:04:37,654 - Ebola? 132 00:04:37,651 --> 00:04:39,621 - Yeah. 133 00:04:39,620 --> 00:04:42,620 [music resumes] 134 00:04:42,623 --> 00:04:44,663 ♪ ♪ 135 00:04:44,658 --> 00:04:46,788 - There’s Ebola in my apartment. 136 00:04:50,631 --> 00:04:52,071 - So then I got to spend a magical night 137 00:04:52,066 --> 00:04:53,936 at my brother’s house. I swear they keep it at, 138 00:04:53,935 --> 00:04:56,165 like, 153 degrees in there. 139 00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:57,940 - And I’m so sorry I didn’t hear the phone ring 140 00:04:57,939 --> 00:04:59,609 last night when you called. 141 00:04:59,607 --> 00:05:01,177 [sighs] That new sleep apnea mask 142 00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:03,005 really makes a racket, but it’s worth it 143 00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:05,151 to finally feel like a cyborg elephant at night. 144 00:05:05,146 --> 00:05:07,146 - Would you say I’m a bear? - You? 145 00:05:07,148 --> 00:05:09,018 No, I always thought of you more as a wolf, 146 00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,617 but, like, in a Wolfman Jack kind of way. 147 00:05:10,618 --> 00:05:12,448 - I don’t fit into a single animal type 148 00:05:12,453 --> 00:05:15,363 on the entire Noah’s Ark of gay hipsters. 149 00:05:15,356 --> 00:05:17,356 - Okay, Buzzlisters. 150 00:05:17,358 --> 00:05:19,488 Tourism Connecticut has commissioned a list 151 00:05:19,493 --> 00:05:21,833 of "The 9 Most Disgusting Things in New York City." 152 00:05:21,829 --> 00:05:23,459 Go. - Uh, hot dog water. 153 00:05:23,464 --> 00:05:25,104 - Uh, Mario Batali’s scooter seat. 154 00:05:25,099 --> 00:05:27,169 [cell phone buzzes] - Yeah, that’s good. 155 00:05:27,168 --> 00:05:30,238 - Holy shit, Billy, I got the Showtime audition. 156 00:05:30,238 --> 00:05:32,838 - Amazing. - Yeah, apparently some slots 157 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,480 opened up last minute this afternoon 158 00:05:34,475 --> 00:05:36,405 because in L. A., people read the sides, 159 00:05:36,410 --> 00:05:38,180 fell asleep at the wheel, and died. 160 00:05:38,179 --> 00:05:42,849 - "The 10 Best Beer and Candle Combinations." 161 00:05:42,850 --> 00:05:44,050 Write that down. 162 00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:45,652 - They just said, "Remember, 163 00:05:45,653 --> 00:05:46,893 "this is premium cable. 164 00:05:46,887 --> 00:05:48,617 Adjust your performance accordingly." 165 00:05:48,622 --> 00:05:49,662 What does that mean? 166 00:05:49,657 --> 00:05:52,287 - Maybe... not American? 167 00:05:52,293 --> 00:05:53,933 - Oh, right, of course, ’cause all those actors are 168 00:05:53,928 --> 00:05:56,228 English or Australian trying to sound American, 169 00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:58,230 like, with those hard Rs. 170 00:05:58,232 --> 00:06:01,172 - So maybe you try to sound Australian 171 00:06:01,169 --> 00:06:04,039 trying to sound American. - Yes, brilliant. 172 00:06:04,038 --> 00:06:05,708 I guess I’ll bring the dogs with me. 173 00:06:05,706 --> 00:06:07,836 They’ve already been banned from the service animal area 174 00:06:07,841 --> 00:06:09,441 for eating that poor girl’s rabbit. 175 00:06:09,443 --> 00:06:12,213 - [breathing heavily] JULIE: If it’s any consolation, 176 00:06:12,213 --> 00:06:15,883 just know that basset hounds were bred to hunt rabbits, 177 00:06:15,883 --> 00:06:18,053 which, I’m not gonna lie, 178 00:06:18,052 --> 00:06:20,392 I find a little charming. - [laughs] 179 00:06:20,388 --> 00:06:21,958 [rock music] 180 00:06:21,956 --> 00:06:25,326 - And this is Julie Kessler and friends. 181 00:06:25,326 --> 00:06:29,156 - Oh, service dogs. Ah, sometimes I wish I was a dog 182 00:06:29,163 --> 00:06:32,173 so I could just eat out of a bowl on the floor. 183 00:06:32,166 --> 00:06:33,996 - So the show is called "Tryst." 184 00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:36,572 It’s a companion piece to "The Affair." 185 00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:39,040 Fun coinky-dink, turns out my third husband 186 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,210 was having an affair with my second husband. 187 00:06:41,209 --> 00:06:42,539 Now the two are getting married 188 00:06:42,543 --> 00:06:43,953 and I’m living with my parents again 189 00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:45,475 in Staten Island. [chuckles] 190 00:06:45,479 --> 00:06:47,819 - I have news. I’m cancer free. 191 00:06:47,815 --> 00:06:49,415 [laughs] I’m still gonna go to chemo 192 00:06:49,417 --> 00:06:51,817 every so often just to keep up portion control. 193 00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,691 - Whenever you’re ready. - Okay. 194 00:06:54,688 --> 00:06:55,918 - [slurping] Mm, mm-mm-mm. 195 00:06:55,924 --> 00:06:57,564 [camera beeps] 196 00:06:57,558 --> 00:07:00,328 - [overemphasized accent] Well, hello there, stranger. 197 00:07:00,328 --> 00:07:04,168 Although I’m hardly a stranger since I live here. 198 00:07:04,165 --> 00:07:06,935 - Oh, my God, you’re Alison’s sister. 199 00:07:06,935 --> 00:07:09,665 - I am more than Alison’s sister. 200 00:07:09,670 --> 00:07:11,970 I’m also her care taker, 201 00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:13,443 and her avenger. 202 00:07:13,441 --> 00:07:15,011 - I had no idea. 203 00:07:15,009 --> 00:07:17,909 JULIE: No idea about what, I wonder? 204 00:07:17,912 --> 00:07:21,152 That she has a sister named Heather 205 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:23,319 who loves her with all her heart? 206 00:07:24,185 --> 00:07:26,145 - Okay, thank you very much. 207 00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:28,624 [camera beeps] - You should feel very proud 208 00:07:28,622 --> 00:07:29,722 of yourself. - Mm-hmm. 209 00:07:29,723 --> 00:07:30,893 - I do. 210 00:07:30,891 --> 00:07:32,931 - Oh. - Oh. 211 00:07:32,927 --> 00:07:36,927 - Okay, good-bye now. [laughs] 212 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,427 - Was she retar-- - Oh, we don’t 213 00:07:40,434 --> 00:07:42,504 use that word anymore. - [grunts] 214 00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:44,113 - But, yes, I think so. 215 00:07:44,105 --> 00:07:47,235 - Aw, she tried so hard to sound out all the words. 216 00:07:47,241 --> 00:07:48,441 - God’s simple angel. 217 00:07:48,442 --> 00:07:50,182 - Ugh, I thought she had a full face, 218 00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:52,448 but I didn’t know if it was like Corky full. 219 00:07:52,446 --> 00:07:55,546 - The part wasn’t even written for someone mentally disabled. 220 00:07:55,549 --> 00:07:57,919 - I know, and she has her little disability doggies. 221 00:07:57,919 --> 00:07:59,549 I could cry. 222 00:07:59,553 --> 00:08:02,423 If Ed’s leaving me for Shane hadn’t left me so numb. 223 00:08:02,423 --> 00:08:04,393 - My feet are numb. - Ugh, we should see 224 00:08:04,392 --> 00:08:06,132 if they can’t write her in a little part. 225 00:08:06,127 --> 00:08:07,397 I mean, wouldn’t it be nice to have 226 00:08:07,395 --> 00:08:09,525 a disabled person on an episode? 227 00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:11,530 And wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t keep marrying 228 00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,532 your gay father over and over again, 229 00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:15,444 waiting for him to leave you? Ha! 230 00:08:15,436 --> 00:08:18,606 [inhales] Who’s our next actress? 231 00:08:20,141 --> 00:08:22,381 [car horn honks] 232 00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:24,176 - [groans] 233 00:08:25,579 --> 00:08:27,219 Ugh. 234 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:29,745 No, stop bringing me things I don’t want. 235 00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:31,790 Fuck you. Fuck you. 236 00:08:31,785 --> 00:08:34,215 Bad dogs. [groans] 237 00:08:35,456 --> 00:08:37,556 [groans] 238 00:08:37,558 --> 00:08:39,958 Arthur? 239 00:08:39,961 --> 00:08:42,001 Arthur! JULIE: It’s okay. 240 00:08:41,996 --> 00:08:43,326 Nobody panic. Everything’s fine. 241 00:08:43,331 --> 00:08:44,931 - Julie, what the fuck is happening? 242 00:08:44,933 --> 00:08:46,133 - Wh-- - Wh--what are you-- 243 00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:48,044 what’s on your face? - Oh. 244 00:08:48,036 --> 00:08:50,596 I forgot I was wearing my sleep apnea mask. 245 00:08:50,604 --> 00:08:52,374 - What’s he doing? 246 00:08:52,373 --> 00:08:54,483 - Oh, yeah, he does this. 247 00:08:54,475 --> 00:08:57,005 Arthur sleep-cooks sometimes when he’s angry. 248 00:08:57,011 --> 00:08:59,581 - Sleep-cooking? JULIE: Oh, my God, look. 249 00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:02,080 The dogs are bringing you their toys. 250 00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,583 - Yeah, they keep bringing me 251 00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:05,454 little things I don’t want over and over again. 252 00:09:05,453 --> 00:09:07,723 It’s like a fucking Dim Sum restaurant in here. 253 00:09:07,721 --> 00:09:10,491 How do I make it stop? - Oh, it doesn’t stop, 254 00:09:10,491 --> 00:09:12,661 but the good news is, it means that they like you 255 00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:15,160 or they’re protecting me. I’m not sure. 256 00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:16,973 Either way, it’s gonna happen all night. 257 00:09:16,965 --> 00:09:19,195 - [groans] God, what is he doing? 258 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,570 He must be really angry. - I told him today 259 00:09:21,569 --> 00:09:23,399 I didn’t want to be domestic partners. 260 00:09:23,404 --> 00:09:26,274 Oh, shit, hold on. - [groans] 261 00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:30,144 - No, no, no. Nope, Arthur, come with me. 262 00:09:30,144 --> 00:09:32,554 Preston Sturges is in the bedroom. 263 00:09:32,546 --> 00:09:33,976 - Oh. - He wants to talk to you 264 00:09:33,982 --> 00:09:35,722 about making another movie. 265 00:09:35,716 --> 00:09:37,316 - Is Barbara Stanwyck available? 266 00:09:37,318 --> 00:09:39,348 JULIE: I think she’s under contract at the studio. 267 00:09:39,353 --> 00:09:41,923 - Barbara Stanwyck is dead! 268 00:09:41,923 --> 00:09:43,363 [mellow rock music] 269 00:09:43,357 --> 00:09:45,487 More coffee, Marilyn? - No, honey, 270 00:09:45,493 --> 00:09:47,233 but you look like you could use some. 271 00:09:47,228 --> 00:09:48,458 [inhales] No offense, 272 00:09:48,462 --> 00:09:50,132 but with your puffy eyes and pale skin, 273 00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:51,601 you look a little like Julie. 274 00:09:51,599 --> 00:09:54,139 - Yeah, I got kicked out of my building for a few nights, 275 00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:56,295 ended up having to crash at Julie’s. 276 00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:59,914 - Oh, that filthy den of drink and dogs? 277 00:09:59,907 --> 00:10:02,807 I don’t think so. 278 00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:04,280 Why don’t you come stay with me? 279 00:10:04,278 --> 00:10:06,408 - Oh, no, I couldn’t do that. - Oh, nonsense. 280 00:10:06,414 --> 00:10:08,624 Oh, you could stay in Julie’s old room. 281 00:10:08,616 --> 00:10:11,186 I just use it to store all my old "maybe" shoes. 282 00:10:11,185 --> 00:10:13,615 - Holy shit! I got the part... 283 00:10:13,621 --> 00:10:15,161 - [screams] - In "Tryst." 284 00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:17,656 Well, not the part, but a part. [laughs] 285 00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:19,388 - Finally, something. 286 00:10:19,393 --> 00:10:21,603 - The casting director said I was so special, 287 00:10:21,595 --> 00:10:23,825 they wrote a role just for me, but here’s the thing, 288 00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:25,301 I’m actually kind of freaked out 289 00:10:25,299 --> 00:10:27,939 because doing that accent I did in the audition 290 00:10:27,936 --> 00:10:29,366 was harder than I thought. 291 00:10:29,370 --> 00:10:31,110 I’m just worried that now that I have the part 292 00:10:31,105 --> 00:10:34,975 I’m gonna do my Australian accent when I’m not on camera 293 00:10:34,976 --> 00:10:37,906 and my Australian-pretend- to-be-American accent on camera 294 00:10:37,912 --> 00:10:40,452 and I’m just gonna fuck up and give myself away. 295 00:10:40,448 --> 00:10:42,548 - Not even Cate Blanchett could keep track of that. 296 00:10:42,550 --> 00:10:44,120 - I’ll stay in character the whole time. 297 00:10:44,118 --> 00:10:45,418 - Oh, yeah, perfect. Ow. 298 00:10:45,419 --> 00:10:47,689 [groaning] - Oh, Billy. 299 00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:49,818 Your neck. Is that from my couch? 300 00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:51,063 You didn’t sleep at all last night, 301 00:10:51,059 --> 00:10:52,359 did you? - That is true, 302 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,460 and that is why he’s staying with me. 303 00:10:54,462 --> 00:10:56,662 - [mouthing] - Julie, I love you, 304 00:10:56,664 --> 00:10:59,374 but between the clinging and clanging of pots and pans 305 00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,827 and the incessant howling all night, 306 00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:03,474 it was like listening to Rachel Ray have an orgasm. 307 00:11:03,471 --> 00:11:04,971 I need to get some sleep. 308 00:11:04,973 --> 00:11:07,213 - That’s right and you will. 309 00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:08,608 See you at home, roomie. 310 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:15,683 [lilting music] 311 00:11:15,683 --> 00:11:18,623 - Isn’t this a treat? - Mm-hmm. 312 00:11:18,619 --> 00:11:20,689 I hope Julie doesn’t mind I’m wearing her pajamas. 313 00:11:20,688 --> 00:11:22,888 - I’m sure it’ll be fine, but, wow, 314 00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:25,590 a sweat suit my daughter wore when she was 12 315 00:11:25,593 --> 00:11:27,863 fits an adult male in his 20s. 316 00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:29,661 - You think I look like I’m in my 20s, really? 317 00:11:29,663 --> 00:11:31,573 - 28 tops. We could be siblings. 318 00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:34,035 How was the shower? - Oh, my God, it was amazing. 319 00:11:34,035 --> 00:11:36,595 I forget what actual water pressure feels like. 320 00:11:36,604 --> 00:11:39,544 - Mm-hmm, because I had Julie’s father take the water regulators 321 00:11:39,540 --> 00:11:42,280 off the shower heads. Kiss my ass, environment. 322 00:11:42,276 --> 00:11:44,746 I need my me time. - I totally agree. 323 00:11:44,745 --> 00:11:46,375 - Right? - I mean, I don’t give a shit 324 00:11:46,380 --> 00:11:47,850 that there’s a drought in California. 325 00:11:47,848 --> 00:11:49,578 We live in New York. If Katy Perry wants 326 00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:52,053 a sip of water so badly, she should move. 327 00:11:52,053 --> 00:11:54,393 - [laughs] I love having you here. 328 00:11:54,388 --> 00:11:55,758 [drum flourish] 329 00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:56,786 - Shit. 330 00:11:56,790 --> 00:11:58,160 [rehearsing accents] Hello, hello, 331 00:11:58,159 --> 00:12:00,259 hello... hello! 332 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,431 - Hi, Julie, do you remember me? 333 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:03,930 - [overemphasized accent] The casting director! 334 00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:06,102 I’m so happy to be here. 335 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,840 - Well, I’m just here to make sure that you get settled in. 336 00:12:08,836 --> 00:12:11,766 Plus, ever since my sponsor committed suicide 337 00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:14,242 I’ll take any reason to get out of the house. 338 00:12:14,242 --> 00:12:16,742 [laughs weakly] Why does everybody die? 339 00:12:16,744 --> 00:12:18,714 [forced laugh] Anyway, what can I get for you? 340 00:12:18,712 --> 00:12:21,352 - Well, I’d never say not to cake 341 00:12:21,349 --> 00:12:23,919 or an appetizer from my favorite eatery, 342 00:12:23,918 --> 00:12:25,248 Outback Steakhouse. 343 00:12:25,253 --> 00:12:28,563 - That is adorable. [both laugh softly] 344 00:12:28,556 --> 00:12:33,026 Everybody, this is our special guest, 345 00:12:33,027 --> 00:12:34,457 Julie. 346 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,802 - Welcome, Julie. 347 00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,896 - Wow, for people who work at Showtime, 348 00:12:37,898 --> 00:12:40,268 you sure are a bunch of happy campers. 349 00:12:40,268 --> 00:12:41,638 - She has no filter. 350 00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:43,095 - Well, she can only speak from the heart, 351 00:12:43,104 --> 00:12:45,014 but watch the mood swings. 352 00:12:45,006 --> 00:12:48,606 [rock music] 353 00:12:48,609 --> 00:12:50,509 [door opens] [cell phone chimes] 354 00:12:50,511 --> 00:12:53,651 - Marilyn-- - Mine is an open-door home. 355 00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,317 What are you doing in here alone? 356 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,876 And before you can lie, 357 00:12:56,884 --> 00:12:59,824 know that I can see everything in that mirror. 358 00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:02,220 I had Julie’s father install that mirror 359 00:13:02,223 --> 00:13:03,793 when she was journaling about me. 360 00:13:03,791 --> 00:13:05,591 Taught myself how to read backwards. 361 00:13:05,593 --> 00:13:07,333 She said some really nasty things. 362 00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:10,428 Anyway, there are no secrets in this house. 363 00:13:10,431 --> 00:13:11,731 - It’s not a secret. 364 00:13:11,732 --> 00:13:13,772 - Mm-hmm. You sound just like Julie 365 00:13:13,767 --> 00:13:16,267 when I used to catch her stress-eating candy 366 00:13:16,270 --> 00:13:18,610 she used to hide behind that headboard. 367 00:13:18,606 --> 00:13:21,676 - All right, you caught me. 368 00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:23,275 I was on Tinder. 369 00:13:23,277 --> 00:13:27,877 - So, trolling online for some strange? 370 00:13:29,583 --> 00:13:31,153 - I guess you could say that. 371 00:13:31,152 --> 00:13:34,122 Although the truth is I probably fit in in this house 372 00:13:34,122 --> 00:13:35,862 more than I fit in on here. 373 00:13:35,856 --> 00:13:37,856 It’s all about what group you fit into. 374 00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:41,858 Just bears and otters and-- - And jackals, oh, my. 375 00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:43,532 - You know about jackals? - Yeah. 376 00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,101 They used to be called hyenas, and then there was 377 00:13:45,099 --> 00:13:48,499 some consensus about not wanting to muddy the association 378 00:13:48,502 --> 00:13:51,242 with Whoopi Goldberg’s role in "The Lion King." 379 00:13:51,239 --> 00:13:52,569 - Oh, that makes sense. 380 00:13:52,573 --> 00:13:54,543 - I treat a lot of gay men in my practice. 381 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,042 That’s all they can talk about. 382 00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:58,754 Well, that and how Ryan Murphy even managed to ruin 383 00:13:58,746 --> 00:14:00,916 Matt Bomer’s ass and Lady Gaga. 384 00:14:00,915 --> 00:14:03,515 - Well, with Lady Gaga, she didn’t need much of a push. 385 00:14:03,517 --> 00:14:05,647 - [laughs] You know what? 386 00:14:05,653 --> 00:14:07,663 I think all those men are jealous of you. 387 00:14:07,655 --> 00:14:09,615 - Oh, yeah, that’s it. All these 20-somethings 388 00:14:09,623 --> 00:14:11,293 with eight-packs and perfect teeth, 389 00:14:11,292 --> 00:14:14,762 they are dying to be me, that’s it, that’s the problem. 390 00:14:14,762 --> 00:14:16,862 - Well, you know what the truth is? 391 00:14:16,864 --> 00:14:19,004 You don’t have to fit in with anyone, 392 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,900 because you have me. 393 00:14:20,901 --> 00:14:24,171 Come downstairs, and let’s put on some VHS tapes 394 00:14:24,172 --> 00:14:27,882 of old "Jenny Jones Shows," and then we can laugh at her hair 395 00:14:27,875 --> 00:14:29,235 and dumb questions. 396 00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:30,613 Come on. 397 00:14:30,611 --> 00:14:33,151 We’ll make s’mores and hot cocoa. 398 00:14:33,147 --> 00:14:34,417 Fun! 399 00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:36,775 - Ah, I feel like a Gilmore Girl. 400 00:14:36,784 --> 00:14:37,894 [grunts] 401 00:14:37,885 --> 00:14:39,515 - [overemphasized accent] Balloons! 402 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:41,560 Pretty balloons for sale! 403 00:14:41,555 --> 00:14:43,585 - Hello there. What’s your name? 404 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,961 - Patches. - Well, Patches, 405 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,930 I’ll take two balloons for two good friends 406 00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:50,660 Alison and Noah. 407 00:14:50,664 --> 00:14:53,134 - Balloons are good for friends. 408 00:14:53,134 --> 00:14:54,504 - And cut. 409 00:14:54,502 --> 00:14:56,372 That’s a wrap on Julie! 410 00:14:56,370 --> 00:14:57,940 [all applauding] 411 00:14:57,939 --> 00:14:59,109 - I’ll take those. 412 00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:02,207 - Great work, Julie. Here’s a present. 413 00:15:02,210 --> 00:15:04,310 - "Patches"? 414 00:15:04,312 --> 00:15:06,382 - And this. 415 00:15:06,380 --> 00:15:07,550 - Oh. 416 00:15:07,548 --> 00:15:09,848 [all applauding] 417 00:15:09,850 --> 00:15:13,960 ♪ ♪ 418 00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,885 - Knock knock. - Who’s there? 419 00:15:15,889 --> 00:15:19,029 - Julie, my name is Abby and I work for Showtime. 420 00:15:19,027 --> 00:15:21,797 - Nobody’s perfect. - You are a pistol. 421 00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:24,095 Listen, I never come to set to meet actresses 422 00:15:24,098 --> 00:15:27,368 ever since Claire Danes threw chili at me in Islamabad. 423 00:15:27,368 --> 00:15:28,438 But I had to meet you. 424 00:15:28,436 --> 00:15:29,596 - I’m flattered. 425 00:15:29,603 --> 00:15:31,273 - Oh, God, look at that. So shiny. 426 00:15:31,272 --> 00:15:35,182 - Yeah, it’s not chocolate, though--I checked. 427 00:15:35,176 --> 00:15:37,976 - Julie, you were wonderful on our show. 428 00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:42,249 To celebrate, we would all like to take you to a special dinner. 429 00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:43,990 - I love dinner. 430 00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,885 - The wonderful wisdom. 431 00:15:45,886 --> 00:15:48,056 Hey, how about we take you to your favorite restaurant? 432 00:15:48,056 --> 00:15:50,156 - Sure. - And... 433 00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:51,758 a reporter might be at dinner. 434 00:15:51,759 --> 00:15:53,689 We haven’t had anyone like you on our show 435 00:15:53,694 --> 00:15:56,464 and we want to let the world know about our Julie! 436 00:15:56,464 --> 00:15:58,034 - I only had four lines. 437 00:15:58,032 --> 00:15:59,732 - And you said them all correctly, 438 00:15:59,733 --> 00:16:01,343 and in more or less the right order, 439 00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:02,965 so you deserve that medal. 440 00:16:02,971 --> 00:16:03,771 - Yeah! 441 00:16:03,771 --> 00:16:06,771 [upbeat rock music] 442 00:16:06,774 --> 00:16:08,744 - I’ll be right back with your drink. 443 00:16:08,742 --> 00:16:11,182 - An actual smile from the demon seed. 444 00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:12,779 What’s the occasion? 445 00:16:12,780 --> 00:16:14,350 Did you find a prostitute willing to take your virginity 446 00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:16,048 for a couple of Metro cards? 447 00:16:16,050 --> 00:16:18,850 - You know, Matthew, normally I’d say that when I look at you, 448 00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:20,792 I think Santorum was right when he compared 449 00:16:20,788 --> 00:16:22,558 gay marriage to bestiality. 450 00:16:22,556 --> 00:16:25,056 But today, I am in too good of a mood. 451 00:16:25,059 --> 00:16:26,859 - You do seem happier than usual. 452 00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:28,160 Granted, that bar is set about as low 453 00:16:28,162 --> 00:16:30,362 as the burning temperature of jet fuel. 454 00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:32,274 So how can it melt steel beams? 455 00:16:32,266 --> 00:16:33,896 Exactly. It can’t. 456 00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:36,271 - Well, I finally found a place where I belong. 457 00:16:36,270 --> 00:16:39,740 - Everywhere, you entitled white cisgender male piece of shit? 458 00:16:39,740 --> 00:16:43,210 - No, Julie’s mom’s house on the Upper West Side. 459 00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:44,351 - Upper West Side. Ugh. 460 00:16:44,345 --> 00:16:45,675 That’s like the most boring, 461 00:16:45,679 --> 00:16:46,979 milquetoast neighborhood in Manhattan. 462 00:16:46,981 --> 00:16:48,821 It’s the Drake of zip codes. 463 00:16:48,816 --> 00:16:50,746 - I don’t care, because fuck the bears, 464 00:16:50,751 --> 00:16:52,751 and fuck the otters, and fuck the wolves 465 00:16:52,753 --> 00:16:55,063 and fuck Winnie the motherfucking Pooh! 466 00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:56,926 - What do animals have to do with this? 467 00:16:56,925 --> 00:16:59,625 - Oh, it’s just how gay men group each other into types. 468 00:16:59,627 --> 00:17:01,697 Believe me, it was pretty confusing to me too 469 00:17:01,695 --> 00:17:04,425 when I first stopped tapping my wife’s pussy. 470 00:17:04,432 --> 00:17:07,742 But you know, I caught on. 471 00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:09,765 - So, what’s a bear? 472 00:17:09,770 --> 00:17:11,810 - A bear’s like a big, fat, hairy gay guy 473 00:17:11,805 --> 00:17:14,775 and then an otter’s like a thin, hairy gay guy. 474 00:17:14,775 --> 00:17:17,575 - Yeah, and a wolf is like a tall, muscular bear 475 00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:19,778 who just has to fuck all the time, like me. 476 00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:21,380 - Okay, so what would I be? 477 00:17:21,382 --> 00:17:22,482 ALL: Black. - What? 478 00:17:22,483 --> 00:17:23,923 Are you serious? 479 00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:27,618 Everyone else gets a fun animal. That seems racist. 480 00:17:27,621 --> 00:17:29,061 - Only ’cause it is. 481 00:17:29,057 --> 00:17:32,427 - Well, gay or straight, you know, everybody sucks. 482 00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:36,256 - That’s what she said. [laughs] 483 00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:39,004 - No, she didn’t say that. 484 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,570 - Where is my Billy? - Hi! 485 00:17:42,570 --> 00:17:44,340 Did I make Julie’s bed wrong? - Yes. 486 00:17:44,338 --> 00:17:46,868 But I came because I bought you some new clothes. 487 00:17:46,874 --> 00:17:48,914 Who knows when you’re gonna get back into your building? 488 00:17:48,910 --> 00:17:50,880 - Marilyn! That is so sweet of you. 489 00:17:50,878 --> 00:17:53,108 It’s been a long time since I had a mom shop for me. 490 00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:55,354 - Won’t it be nice for you to wear some shirts and pants 491 00:17:55,349 --> 00:17:58,319 that are more flattering to your problem areas? 492 00:17:58,319 --> 00:18:00,119 - Problem areas? - Exactly. 493 00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:01,761 Let’s run to the little boys’ room, 494 00:18:01,755 --> 00:18:03,485 and see what happens when you start dressing 495 00:18:03,491 --> 00:18:05,661 for your age and body type. 496 00:18:08,862 --> 00:18:11,232 - Hey! You brought my kitty suit! 497 00:18:11,232 --> 00:18:13,872 - Yeah. I found a wrapper in one of the pockets. 498 00:18:13,867 --> 00:18:17,137 Quite a blast from the past to see the old logo for Chocodiles. 499 00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:19,568 - [gasps] Hello again, old friend. 500 00:18:19,573 --> 00:18:21,813 - Hi, top two new bloggers. 501 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:24,409 - [laughs] Ah, that list thing never gets old. 502 00:18:24,412 --> 00:18:27,122 - Why don’t you settle into your workstation? 503 00:18:30,284 --> 00:18:32,294 - Are you ready? - I-I’ve never been-- 504 00:18:32,286 --> 00:18:33,316 I’ll never be ready. 505 00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:34,791 - Are you good? All right. 506 00:18:34,788 --> 00:18:36,458 You got-- - And we’re on. 507 00:18:36,457 --> 00:18:37,957 - Okay, all right. - Yeah. 508 00:18:37,959 --> 00:18:40,789 - I have a list that might be of some interest to you. 509 00:18:40,794 --> 00:18:42,764 - Another list? - Mm-hmm. 510 00:18:42,763 --> 00:18:44,933 [all laugh] 511 00:18:44,933 --> 00:18:46,703 - "25 Reasons We Are Permanently 512 00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:48,840 Hiring Billy and Julie"! - Oh, my God! 513 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,536 - Yes! - Kayla, thank you so much! 514 00:18:50,538 --> 00:18:51,768 - Thank you! - Of course. 515 00:18:51,772 --> 00:18:53,272 - Oh, my God! - Thank you, seriously. 516 00:18:53,274 --> 00:18:54,844 - Now I don’t have to become domestic partners. 517 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:57,112 - And I never have to see Matthew again! 518 00:18:57,111 --> 00:18:58,811 - I don’t know what any of that means, 519 00:18:58,812 --> 00:19:00,852 and sadly I can’t stay to explore. 520 00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:03,148 I have to go to a TV press event dinner tonight 521 00:19:03,151 --> 00:19:06,091 and I can’t decide which Peter Pan-collared baby doll dress 522 00:19:06,087 --> 00:19:08,817 to shove my 46-year-old body into. 523 00:19:08,822 --> 00:19:11,332 Bye. - Good luck. 524 00:19:11,325 --> 00:19:14,995 Billy, a steady paycheck. Finally, a real steady paycheck. 525 00:19:14,996 --> 00:19:17,796 - I know I should feel proud, but I just feel fat 526 00:19:17,798 --> 00:19:19,498 and like I should apologize. 527 00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:22,340 So I’m sorry. And I’m sorry I’m fat. 528 00:19:22,336 --> 00:19:25,036 - Oh, no. She’s turned you into me. 529 00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:26,669 Billy, you’ve been Marilyned. 530 00:19:26,674 --> 00:19:29,214 - No, it’s actually been great having a mom again. 531 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,380 - Well, if you’re choosing a maternal figure, 532 00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:33,449 I think you’re making a big mistake. 533 00:19:33,447 --> 00:19:36,517 She only loves her own vision of who you could be. 534 00:19:36,517 --> 00:19:38,217 - But that person is so thin. 535 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,689 - What Marilyn gives is conditional love. 536 00:19:40,688 --> 00:19:42,218 Arthur’s the opposite of Marilyn. 537 00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:45,733 His love is so unconditional... - He cooks in his sleep. 538 00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:48,126 - He cooks in his sleep. 539 00:19:48,129 --> 00:19:49,599 Shit. 540 00:19:49,597 --> 00:19:51,067 I gotta hold on to him. 541 00:19:51,065 --> 00:19:52,265 - Yeah, you do. 542 00:19:52,266 --> 00:19:54,296 And I gotta get out of Marilyn’s house. 543 00:19:54,302 --> 00:19:56,342 - Yeah, you do. 544 00:19:56,337 --> 00:19:58,537 [upbeat rock music] 545 00:19:58,539 --> 00:20:02,109 My first real acting job on TV and everyone’s so nice! 546 00:20:02,110 --> 00:20:03,910 - So you said. - And now they’re throwing me 547 00:20:03,912 --> 00:20:05,852 a dinner after I’m wrapped? 548 00:20:05,846 --> 00:20:08,446 - Good for you, spray cheese. 549 00:20:08,449 --> 00:20:10,779 - Look, obviously you’re angry about the whole 550 00:20:10,784 --> 00:20:12,154 domestic partners thing. 551 00:20:12,153 --> 00:20:14,363 I’m not stupid, I’m just insensitive. 552 00:20:14,355 --> 00:20:15,855 - Are you apologizing? 553 00:20:15,856 --> 00:20:18,626 - No, I’m-- 554 00:20:18,626 --> 00:20:20,756 I’m compromising. 555 00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:23,301 If you want to be domestic partners, 556 00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:26,467 which clearly you do, 557 00:20:26,467 --> 00:20:27,867 I’ll do it. 558 00:20:27,868 --> 00:20:29,738 - Thank you. 559 00:20:29,737 --> 00:20:33,537 Oh, but look out! 560 00:20:33,541 --> 00:20:35,581 - Hot dog water. 561 00:20:35,576 --> 00:20:38,746 Number 2 most disgusting thing about New York City. 562 00:20:38,746 --> 00:20:42,016 - I’ll be right back with your complimentary bread and shrimp. 563 00:20:42,016 --> 00:20:43,476 - Yum! 564 00:20:43,484 --> 00:20:44,894 Sorry I’m in my kitty suit. 565 00:20:44,885 --> 00:20:47,515 My party dress smells like hot dogs. 566 00:20:47,521 --> 00:20:48,991 - Bless your wooden head. 567 00:20:48,990 --> 00:20:50,620 - Is that the accent you’ve been doing? 568 00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:51,964 - Yeah, why? 569 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,360 - It just sounds a little, mm, you know. 570 00:20:54,362 --> 00:20:56,432 - Julie, who’s this handsome gentleman? 571 00:20:56,430 --> 00:20:58,570 - Oh, we live together. 572 00:20:58,566 --> 00:20:59,866 - Like an in-home aide? 573 00:20:59,867 --> 00:21:02,037 - You can say that again. [laughs] 574 00:21:02,036 --> 00:21:03,396 No, I’m her boyfriend. 575 00:21:03,404 --> 00:21:05,844 Actually, domestic partner. 576 00:21:05,839 --> 00:21:07,239 - The point is he fucks her. 577 00:21:07,241 --> 00:21:10,951 - When she lets me. - [laughs] 578 00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:15,321 - Every man everywhere is awful. 579 00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:17,416 - Hey, guys, I’d like to propose a toast, 580 00:21:17,418 --> 00:21:19,218 to our little Julie. 581 00:21:19,220 --> 00:21:20,960 - Cheers. - Look, Julie, they love you. 582 00:21:20,955 --> 00:21:23,115 - "Little," they said. 583 00:21:23,124 --> 00:21:24,334 - Julie! 584 00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:26,125 Here are the new friends I told you about-- 585 00:21:26,127 --> 00:21:27,857 the reporters who want to meet you. 586 00:21:27,861 --> 00:21:30,801 This is our mentally disabled Julie. 587 00:21:30,798 --> 00:21:33,368 - Mentally disabled? - Julie? 588 00:21:33,367 --> 00:21:35,537 - It’s that voice you were doing. 589 00:21:35,536 --> 00:21:37,266 - Wait a minute. Have you guys 590 00:21:37,271 --> 00:21:40,471 only been nice to me because you think I’m-- 591 00:21:40,474 --> 00:21:42,384 - Wait, your voice changed. 592 00:21:42,376 --> 00:21:43,836 - Of course it changed. 593 00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:46,884 I was pretending to be Australian 594 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,480 pretending to be American. 595 00:21:48,482 --> 00:21:52,092 - You are a vile human being! 596 00:21:52,086 --> 00:21:54,256 Stealing a job from a special needs actress? 597 00:21:54,255 --> 00:21:55,715 - What are you talking about? 598 00:21:55,723 --> 00:21:58,263 You guys wrote that role just for me. 599 00:21:58,259 --> 00:21:59,689 And besides, it didn’t say anything 600 00:21:59,693 --> 00:22:02,133 in the script about her being-- 601 00:22:02,130 --> 00:22:05,130 - Your name was Patches and you sold balloons. 602 00:22:05,133 --> 00:22:06,603 - Okay, well, now that I hear it out loud, 603 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,070 that’s really offensive. 604 00:22:08,069 --> 00:22:10,799 And it’s not my fault that being Australian 605 00:22:10,804 --> 00:22:12,774 makes you sound special needs. 606 00:22:12,773 --> 00:22:14,043 - You bitch! 607 00:22:14,042 --> 00:22:17,282 Get the fuck out of my steakhouse. 608 00:22:17,278 --> 00:22:18,748 [balloon pops] 609 00:22:23,985 --> 00:22:25,285 - I’ll miss this bed. 610 00:22:25,286 --> 00:22:27,056 - I learned to masturbate in that bed. 611 00:22:27,055 --> 00:22:28,885 - I’ll miss this bed less. 612 00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:31,189 - Holy shit, Billy, look. From Kayla. 613 00:22:31,192 --> 00:22:34,432 "Buzzlist’s 21 Offensive Abominations 614 00:22:34,428 --> 00:22:36,598 Julie Kessler Is Still Worse Than." 615 00:22:36,597 --> 00:22:37,797 - Congrats! - Thanks! 616 00:22:37,798 --> 00:22:39,128 - Oh, my God, you beat Jar-Jar. 617 00:22:39,133 --> 00:22:41,043 - I finally arrived. 618 00:22:41,035 --> 00:22:43,335 Just in time to be shown the door. 619 00:22:43,337 --> 00:22:45,837 Sorry I got us fired. - That’s okay. 620 00:22:45,839 --> 00:22:48,839 Here’s the thing. We’re destined to be stars. 621 00:22:48,842 --> 00:22:51,082 Real stars, not list-makers. 622 00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:52,509 Maybe the lesson in all of this is that 623 00:22:52,513 --> 00:22:54,323 we can’t wait for someone to label us. 624 00:22:54,315 --> 00:22:56,075 - Exactly, because the moment they do, 625 00:22:56,084 --> 00:22:57,854 they’ll assume that you’re mentally disabled. 626 00:22:57,851 --> 00:22:59,791 - Yeah, or worse, nothing at all. 627 00:22:59,787 --> 00:23:01,717 I’m a wolf. - You are a wolf. 628 00:23:01,722 --> 00:23:04,532 - Billy, hi-- 629 00:23:04,525 --> 00:23:07,155 Oh, of course. 630 00:23:07,161 --> 00:23:08,931 Another one leaves you. 631 00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:10,860 Thanks a lot and out with the garbage. 632 00:23:10,864 --> 00:23:12,204 - Marilyn, thank you so much 633 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,670 for making me feel like I belong here, 634 00:23:14,668 --> 00:23:16,168 but yeah, I gotta go. 635 00:23:16,170 --> 00:23:17,470 I’m just gonna stay at my brother’s 636 00:23:17,471 --> 00:23:20,011 until my building gives me the all-clear. 637 00:23:20,008 --> 00:23:22,638 - Well, you’ll be back. 638 00:23:22,643 --> 00:23:24,913 Ask your sister. 639 00:23:24,913 --> 00:23:26,313 I mean, Julie. 640 00:23:29,918 --> 00:23:32,388 - Read me another Buzzlist as Patches. 641 00:23:32,386 --> 00:23:35,156 - [overemphasized accent] Certainly, friend for life. 642 00:23:35,156 --> 00:23:38,756 "Number 1, hot dog water." 643 00:23:38,759 --> 00:23:40,999 MAN: ♪ Oh ♪ 644 00:23:40,995 --> 00:23:43,325 ♪ Thought it’d be easy ♪ 645 00:23:43,331 --> 00:23:46,171 ♪ Thought they didn’t know ♪ 646 00:23:46,167 --> 00:23:49,997 ♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪ 647 00:23:50,004 --> 00:23:51,614 ♪ ♪ 648 00:23:51,605 --> 00:23:53,665 ♪ Another way out ♪ 649 00:23:53,674 --> 00:23:56,284 ♪ Found on the way home ♪ 650 00:23:56,277 --> 00:23:57,877 ♪ Thought you were living fast ♪ 651 00:23:57,878 --> 00:24:00,918 ♪ But you were living slow ♪ 652 00:24:00,915 --> 00:24:09,055 ♪ ♪