- Ooh, that’s doubles.
- Jesus Christ.
Since when did our favorite coffee place
become a suburban basement from the ’80s?
- I know right?
It’s like beanbags and board games.
You people are adults!
- I saw an open chutes and ladders over there,
and not a single ten-year-old to be found.
- Jared from Subway’s worst nightmare.
- What do you think haunts him more?
His old giant jeans, or his actions?
- Oh, you sunk my battleship.
- You burst my aneurysm.
- Fuck this ironic daycare center, okay?
Is free personal space in this city too much to ask?
- You can go back to the library.
- Yeah, but you’re just gonna hit on
all the hot homeless guys.
- Try to think of it as living al fresco.
- Can you meet tomorrow? - I can’t.
I have to go to Yeshiva for my sister-in-law’s graduation.
Rucchel took a continuing ed class in Yiddish poetry.
- Oh, good.
- Well, she’ll never be out of work.
That’s for sure.
- We’re not gonna get any work done.
Do you want to see a movie?
- Yeah, what should we see?
- I don’t know, I’m sure Paul Feig
has done an all-female reboot of something
that he didn’t ask me to audition for.
- Oh, what about a gay "Gremlins"?
- Ooh, what about a gay "Gremlins"?
- Why haven’t they done that yet?
- I don’t know. I’m listening.
Tell me more. - Everyone’s so homophobic,
can’t do gay "Gremlins."
- Hey, guys.
You sticking around for Twister?
I got to warn you though, turns into
a real cuddle party sometimes.
- Sorry.
[driving punk rock music]
♪ ♪
- Hey, noods, I was almost to the train
when I realized I forgot my squash stuff.
[muffled moaning sounds, buzzing]
Noodles?
Waterbug?
[buzzing]
- Yes.
Arthur.
- Okay.
[buzzing]
RUCCHEL: Hurry up in there. Don’t touch anything.
Put paper on the seat.
Renee, go block the door for your sister.
- I don’t want to.
She always says, "pish, pish, pish" when she pees.
I hate it.
- I’m pee shy.
Like Uncle Billy.
- Hey, that was told to you in confidence.
- Tal, Renee, be gone.
- This is so stupid.
- What if we just drove away?
- [chuckles]
Billy, you hungry?
Why don’t you get yourself a tuna sandwich
from the cooler?
We’ve got kasha varniskas.
We’ve got Hydrox cookies.
- It’s a ten minute drive. I’m fine.
- Do you realize what a schlemiel your brother is?
- I knew he worked at Hasenpfeffer Incorporated,
but I never knew-- - My graduating class
was supposed to have our poetry reading
Thursday night, but Garry screwed up
booking the venue, and now it’s canceled.
It was so simple.
A community center, a restaurant.
- Rucchel, if you want, you can do your show
at the café.
Just please stop verbally castrating my brother
in front of me.
- Thank you, Billy.
- That’s very nice. Thank you, Billy.
- For Chrissake.
[horn honks]
Jesus.
You girls better be fucking kidnapped!
- Garry, is everything with you and Rucchel okay?
- What? Yeah, we’re fine.
It’s just marriage, you know.
- I don’t know how you don’t tell her to back off.
I would have to.
Cool that you can just roll over
and eat shit, I guess.
RUCCHEL: Let’s move, before I go full Casey Anthony.
BILLY: What did you say you got in here?
Like tuna or something?
JULIE: Knock, knock!
Hi.
I brought your stuff for your squash game tonight.
You left it at home in the bedroom earlier.
- Thank you.
- You’re welcome.
- Okay, well, uh,
I’ll see you later,
uh, in the apartment.
- Yes. - Where we live.
- Yep. I’m gonna go.
- Bye. - Bye.
[sighs] Ladies’ room, ladies’ room,
office, office,
everybody’s got an office besides me.
Must be nice.
Empty office...
Hello, baby.
- And Arthur said we can use this office?
- Well, today’s an awkward day to ask Arthur anything.
He caught me watching porn this morning.
- Really? - Yeah.
And now I’m worried about his feelings.
Well, worried is a little strong.
I’m worried that the world will never really appreciate
how great of a singer Ann Wilson is.
I’m concerned about Arthur’s feelings.
- You know, once Garry caught me watching porn,
and ever since then, he tries to set me up
with Latin cab drivers.
- I guess Arthur didn’t expect the porn I watch
to be quite as crowded.
- Well, yeah, I mean, you watch
some really fucked-up shit.
- If I’m not horrified and offended
the minute I’m done with it, I don’t bother seeking it out.
- You know, I do like the audition ones, though,
you know, the ones where, like, a guy shows up
thinking he’s gonna have sex with a girl,
and then he gets there, and the director’s like,
"Well, the girl never showed up,
but my buddy Trevor’s already here, so..."
- You know who I hate are those guys
who think they’re so feminist because they jerk off
to porn starring women with natural breasts
and a big bush.
Like, congratulations.
- Ooh, are you talking about porn?
I love the cartoon category on those sites.
You know, sex should have whimsy.
It’s so fun and fanciful to watch Lilo
get punch-fucked by Stitch or George Jetson
with a mouthful of his dog’s--
- Matthew, why haven’t you drowned
in Bryan Singer’s pool yet?
- I have a hard time watching porn without seeing
the work that goes into it.
You guys know I’ve been in a few, right?
- What? - Are you serious?
- Well, yeah, my screen name was Blade Stallion.
I was in "Thundercocks 4" and "You Want It Where: Rio."
Saw a lot of the world, man.
Well, saw a lot of Rio.
Me and India Summer still play Words with Friends.
- I am googling Blade Stallion.
- Already there, and may I say,
compliments to the chef.
- Mine was bigger.
BILLY: This place is perfect.
Should we get a coffee machine?
- Let’s get two so there’s never a line.
- Yes.
All right, I’m going to the restroom.
What happens if I run into Arthur?
- We have to come in on off hours so that we don’t.
- Got it.
[cell phone ringing]
- Hey, Julie, it’s your mother.
Listen, I need you take a moment out of your day
and do something for me.
One of my patients has a daughter
who just graduated from college, and she wants
to get into show business.
- I don’t want to answer a millenial’s
career questions.
- And I’m not saying you’ve accomplished
enough to be giving anyone advice,
but the truth is, my practice has been
in a bit of a dip lately.
I don’t know why.
I’ve been texting far less during sessions.
- So what?
- Please, Julie, see the girl, for me.
- Yes, fine, just don’t call me again
during office hours.
- You have a job?
MAN: Okay, we’re here at your destination.
The fare is $45.
MAN: But I don’t have any money.
MAN: Then I’m gonna have to fuck you, faggot.
- An unexpected turn.
[knock at door]
Garry. - Billy.
- What are you doing here?
- I told Rucchel to back off.
- And?
- Well, I got a new lease on life.
And you just got a new roommate.
- I told her to back off, just like you said.
- No, I didn’t say that.
When did I say that? Did I say that?
No, no, no, no, Garry,
you have to call her and apologize.
- And eat more shit?
No way.
That Yiddish poetry class
has just opened a Pandora’s box
of women’s liberations meshuggahs.
Now I’m a bachelor,
and so is my baby brother.
We’ve got to go out on the town,
just like the skit.
Remember the skit?
"Too Wild and Crazy Two and a Half Men."
- That wasn’t it.
- So your brother moved in with you,
and he didn’t have the decency to give us fair warning
so we could pitch this as a multi-cam to CBS?
- Julie, I am in hell.
He talked all night about how he wanted to go out
and party like it’s 1999,
which makes me still in the closet at home,
you know, wondering how they they were
gonna wrap up "Just Shoot Me!"
I got, like, two hours of sleep last night.
- Me too.
Actually, that’s not true.
I got nine and a half.
But it’s still super awkward between me and Arthur
since he freaked out over that jizz festival
he caught me watching.
WOMAN: [clears throat]
So did you have any advice, or...
- Oh, right. You’re here.
- Yeah, um, my mom is friends with your mom.
She said that you guys work in show business.
Any tips?
I have a friend,
she’s got an internship at "The Tonight Show."
- Isn’t it funny how Jimmy Fallon
slowly turned "The Tonight Show"
into a children’s birthday party?
- Last night, he played pin the tail on the donkey
with Pussy Riot.
- Right?
Those games are a blast.
I’d love to intern there.
BILLY: Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
- So you’d like to work for free?
- I’d love to.
- We have an intern!
Finally we can boss someone around.
- Okay, I-nez?
- "Inez." - I-nez?
- "Inez." - I-nez.
- "Inez." - Ined.
- I have to say it like Ined. - Just Inez is fine.
JULIE: That’s a hard S? - Inez.
- Inez, we’re gonna need you to get us meetings.
We’re gonna need you to get us generals, okay?
- And pitches.
We need to be pitching constantly.
- Mm-hmm. - Do you understand, Inez?
- And get a menu book, okay, with options.
- Yeah. I need healthy options.
I need ingredients.
I’m gonna make my own salad, Inez.
- He’s gonna make his own salad, Inez.
- Who’s gonna stop me, you?
- You’re gonna get a menu, and it’s gonna have
a make your own salad option.
There’s gonna be proteins, nuts and grains, seeds...
- I want a nut, and I want it green, Inez.
- Legumes, Inez. - I want an avocado.
- Do you know what an avocado is, Inez?
- No.
- It’s a guacamole ingredient, Inez,
and he wants it in his salad.
It’s also very impor-- I notice
you’re not writing any of this down.
BILLY: Is it in your head?
- It’s very important that you coordinate
our schedules so that we don’t run into Arthur.
Who’s Arthur? My boyfriend.
He works here.
- Um, do I get a desk?
both: No! - You don’t get a desk.
Jesus Christ! - You’re gonna sit on the floor.
- Talk about an entitled generation.
- You’re gonna sit on the floor.
- You are gonna love sitting on the floor.
- Mm. - I’m sorry?
- [stutters]
- By the way, this is just you just paying your dues.
- Yeah, we all did this, Inez. - We all did this.
You should’ve seen what I went through.
- He interned for Conan.
- Who’s Conan?
- Oh, my God! - What?
What is wrong with you?
"Who’s Conan?"
- Oh, you mean James Corden?
- Is that supposed to be a joke?
Mom, why are we at the Museum of Sex?
- Since my client load has lessened
and your father went away on that conference,
I’ve been visiting every museum in the city
in alphabetical order.
We’re up to S, Museum of Sex.
Here we are.
- Right in front of the medieval nipple clamps
and the vibrators from steampunk times
you had to plug into a wall.
- You know, I’ve never been with an uncircumcised man.
Well, not sexually, of course.
I’ve shared an elevator with Tomas,
my old doorman.
- I beg that you stop talking about this.
- Marital aids. [chuckles]
Give me a break.
Any idiot knows the only marital aid
that really works is keeping an open dialogue
with your partner.
Secrets ruin couples.
- Mom, Arthur and I had a--
- Those people that won’t talk or listen to one another.
- Mom-- - I mean, there are two people
in every conversation, one, two.
- So-- - Give your partner a chance
to speak. - I had a question about--
- That’s why I’m good at what I do.
- Good talk, Mom.
Arthur, please, would you stop being weird about this?
- I’m not being weird.
I’m reading Jonathan Franzen.
You’re the one watching your little secret movies.
- Just because I can compartmentalize
doesn’t mean I’m hiding secrets.
I just think that there’s a time and a place for porn
and a time and a place for loving,
get-to-the-point intercourse with the person
who makes omelets for you.
- If it’s not a secret, show me the porn
you like to watch.
Maybe I’ll like it too.
- I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, fine.
But if I show you mine, you have to show me yours.
I want to see your porn too, okay?
- Sure. Sounds fun.
[moaning sounds]
[screaming]
I thought you were a feminist.
Okay, okay.
Do you guarantee that what I just saw
is not at all what you want in bed?
- Of course not.
You’re not a football team,
and I haven’t been abducted.
Now it’s your turn.
Fair is fair.
You show me your porn now.
- Okay.
- Aw, the sweater drawer.
- Mm-hmm.
Et voila.
- Aw, you still like magazines.
- Medium was impressed upon me in my youth.
- "Redhead Fever"?
"Pale Babes In Their Mid-30s"?
"Jewish Girls with Big Naturals"?
Arthur, all these girls look like me.
- Well, this girl doesn’t look like you.
She has a tattoo.
- I showed you a brutal gangbang video,
and you’re showing me this quaint
parade of doppelgangers?
- I’m sorry I like looking at naked redheads
in their 30s who went to Hebrew school.
- Ugh!
- I’m sure plenty of girls would be thrilled
that their boyfriends like porn that bears
a proximate resemblance to their real partners
or their actual sex life.
- Porn that resembles your actual sex life
is like going to a foreign land and eating
at a chain restaurant.
You’re in Morocco. You’re on safari with Ken Burns.
Why the fuck are you at a Burger King?
- I don’t need to be yelled at for liking what I like.
I’m sorry if my sexual peccadilloes
are too bland for you.
- And I’m sorry that I like masturbating
to filthy, disgusting garbage.
- Wait, so "Juggy, Jewish Gingers" is a real magazine?
Graydon Carter must be branching out.
- I’m just concerned that maybe me and Arthur
not liking the same porn is underlying
some bigger differences I didn’t know we had.
- Well, look, just please don’t break up right now.
Garry kept me up all night.
He took out our high school yearbook,
and he was going through it and ranking the girls
by caboose.
- Jesus.
Inez, where’s the menu book?
- I already put in your dinner order.
- Yeah, well, we’re gonna need a second dinner also.
Did you start a Seamless account with your credit card
like we asked you to do?
- Um, yes, uh...
You guys are gonna reimburse me--
- Hey, quick question, Inez.
What’s with all the clicking and clacking on the keyboard?
- Hmm, yes.
It’s not the clicking I mind so much
as the clacking.
- It’s the clacking. It’s the clacking.
- I’m just taking notes for this thing I’m writing.
- Oh, a thing you’re writing, like, for yourself?
- Oh, hello, Eve.
- Hi, Inez, hi.
Inez, let me make one thing clear.
When you’re in our office,
you don’t work on your own bullcrap.
- No, if you need something to do,
get us some more generals on the calendar.
- We got to get Garry back together with Rucchel.
It’s not gonna be easy.
Rucchel is one of those stubborn
tiny Jewish women who take everything
as a personal offense.
- Well, then we’ll just find a stubborner
tinier Jewish-er woman who’s always on the defensive
’cause she’s only thinking about herself all the time.
- Who are we gonna find that’s tough enough
and who has the time to deal with all of that?
- You know, this alphabetical tour of museums
has really broadened by horizons.
Who knew there were six floors at the Museum of Tarps?
- So, Mom, we need your help.
- Yeah, my brother and his wife are having marital problems.
- And you came to me?
This is just the boost I needed.
Oh, isn’t it funny how your own children
don’t know what you need, but you did, Billy.
You did.
WOMAN: ♪ I love it when you call me baby, baby ♪
- Billy, come here. Watch me nae nae!
- No.
WOMAN: ♪ Knew that there was something special ♪
♪ When I looked into your eyes ♪
♪ It was magic ♪
♪ Can’t stop, can’t stop ♪
♪ Baby, what’d you do to me ♪
♪ Feeling so in love ♪
♪ Ooh, you making me believe ♪
♪ Hope when we kiss, God ♪
♪ You’ll wake me from this fantasy ♪
♪ From this fantasy ♪
♪ Can’t stop ♪
♪ You know I can’t stop, know I can’t stop ♪
♪ You know I can’t stop ♪
♪ Can’t stop ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ We can’t stop ♪
- [screams] - Ah! What?
What are you doing here?
- I’m on time according to the schedule
you made me make.
- Well, I didn’t ask you to do anything, Inez.
No one made you do anything.
- Are you homeless?
- No, I’m not homeless.
- I’m sorry.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what the hell are you doing in my office?
- Oh, my God, it’s Ken Burns.
- I go away for ten days with my crew,
and I come back, and I find this squatter
in my office.
- Your office?
- Mr. Burns, I am so sorry,
but I have to say, I’m Billy Epstein.
I’m a huge fan.
- I, too, am a huge fan of your work.
- Inez, don’t talk to Ken Burns.
- Yes, sir.
I love "The Ken Burns Effect" so much.
- Get out.
- Get out! Did you hear Ken Burns?
He said get out. - Both of you.
- God damn it, Inez.
- You were right about sex and porn.
- Let’s keep kosher.
Sex is something we enjoy together,
but porn should stay private.
- Privacy is good. Secrets are bad.
- Yeah. Hey.
I have a third dinner that I brought home from work.
Do you want to fuck again and then split it?
- You’re goddamn right I do.
- Thank you for helping me move the stuff out of my office,
well, Ken Burns’ office.
- Billy, how do you get caught sleeping in the office
of America’s most beloved documentarian?
I mean, you should know better than that.
- No, I shouldn’t.
You’re the brother that knows better.
Garry, I know you’re trying to put up a big front
about how much you like being single,
but I hear you snore-crying at night.
Be honest.
- I guess I just get embarrassed.
You know, you always say that I roll over
and eat shit and all that.
And I don’t know, I’m your older brother.
I want you to think I’m cool.
- Garry, I am never going to think you’re cool ever.
Ever.
So you can just let that go.
- I think I miss Rucchel.
- Yes! Yes!
Oh, thank God.
Yes, Garry, of course you miss Rucchel.
You and Rucchel belong together.
You’re like challah and a plate.
- Ha, ha.
- So you’re gonna come with me tomorrow
to Rucchel’s poetry show at the cafe,
and you have to talk to her.
So what does Rucchel like that you do?
- She likes it when I dust off the front of the TV.
She thinks it’s funny ’cause it doesn’t really do anything.
She’s like, "You’re just moving dust around."
What if I bring the TV in and dust it off in front of her?
I mean, it’s huge.
- All right, this is not a productive conversation.
[rock music]
Hey, thank you so much for doing this.
Garry will be here in a second.
- Which one is Rucchel?
- She’s the one whose resting face is somewhere
between a withering scowl and a suffering grimace.
- I’m gonna need you to be a lot more specific.
- She’s right over there in the corner setting up the mic.
- You can do it, Mom. - I know.
Hi, Rucchel?
I’m Dr. Marilyn Kessler.
I’m a therapist and relationship expert.
I also testify in court on behalf of cases
involving mental illness, but this isn’t
about my extensive résumé.
- What do you want?
- I understand you and your husband have separated,
and I can help you.
- I don’t see how my marriage is any of your fucking business.
- Look, I have no personal investment in the situation.
I’ve got a husband.
- Oh, excuse me? - Excuse me.
- Excuse me? - Excuse me.
- Excuse me? - Excuse me?
- Excuse me! - Excuse me.
- Excuse me? - Excuse me.
both: Excuse me.
- I think you heard me.
- Listen, you Bergdorf bitch.
The only reason Garry doesn’t live with us anymore
is because he diminishes my accomplishments
and told me to back off in front of our children.
- He did what? - Yep.
- And after I graduated, did he ever lift
one of his fat hairy fingers to write me a note
or send flowers or say, "Mazel tov, Rucchel"?
- You graduated from a continuing education program,
and he didn’t buy you flowers?
- Not even a fucking carnation.
- Oh, that piece of shit.
- Hello, ladies. - Here he is,
Garry the piece of shit.
- Oh, hello, Garry, you piece of shit.
I hope you came here to say something to your wife.
- I did.
Rucchel, please, please take me back.
I did something stupid.
And if you could tell me just how stupid
over and over and over for the rest of my life,
I’d be the happiest schlimazel in all of Suffolk County.
- Rucchel, I want you to look in Garry’s eyes,
and I want you tell him, "I want you back."
- Yeah, sure, come back. Whatever.
- My work is done.
- My poem is dedicated to my husband, Garry.
He’s stupid, but I’m not gonna do any better.
Look at me.
A dybbuk, a dybbuk, a dybbuk, a dybbuk.
Oh, yes, I swear. I wouldn’t fib-buk.
- What’s a dybbuk?
- Oh, it’s like a Jewish demon.
- Think Jill Zarin.
- You know, I met a Jewish once.
I was doing a production of "Fiddler,"
broke my ankle, and I’m pretty sure the doctor was one.
- Shut the fuck up!
Dybbuk, dybbuk, dybbuk.
Thank you.
[applause]
- Congratulations, Mom.
You saved a marriage. You’re back in business.
- It’s what I do.
By the way, Julie, I want to thank you very much
for helping my patient’s daughter, Inez.
I don’t know what kind of advice you gave her,
but she is doing great.
- Really? - She sold a novel.
It’s like a "Devil Wears Prada" kind of thing
about a job from hell.
It’s got a cute title.
"Ginger and the Queen."
- Which one am I?
- Here you go, tapshoe.
- Oh, Arthur, I’ve been meaning to tell you,
you might be hearing from Ken Burns,
and if you do, just ignore it.
Ken Burns, everyone knows is like a huge liar.
Yeah, he has a problem. He lies, so just...
- Hey.
Great job, Rucchel.
You can come back any time you want to do
more Jewish poems.
- Garry, Garry, look. Look who it is, look.
- Oh, my God.
Thundercock himself.
Blade Stallion, right? - Yeah.
- You have brought so much joy to our marriage.
- Oh, thank you.
- I could quote your movies.
But I won’t, but I could.
But I won’t.
But I could.
- My name is Marilyn Kessler,
and now, with no musical accompaniment,
I’d like to sing "Send in the Clowns."
[driving punk rock music]
♪ ♪