1 00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:02,833 JULIE: Ah, Stonewall. 2 00:00:02,827 --> 00:00:03,897 Judy Garland died. 3 00:00:03,895 --> 00:00:05,655 The cops raided the place. 4 00:00:05,663 --> 00:00:07,533 Gays, trans people, and drag queens 5 00:00:07,532 --> 00:00:08,802 were in no mood to be fucked with 6 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,640 and began to riot. 7 00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:11,865 - And thanks to their sacrifice, 8 00:00:11,869 --> 00:00:13,569 I am now free to be out, proud, 9 00:00:13,571 --> 00:00:16,671 and know at any given moment where all the power bottoms are 10 00:00:16,674 --> 00:00:18,384 within a five-mile radius. 11 00:00:18,376 --> 00:00:20,976 - Could you imagine waiting till Coming Out Day to come out, 12 00:00:20,978 --> 00:00:22,778 even if you’ve known all year? 13 00:00:22,780 --> 00:00:24,320 - I should really be true to myself, 14 00:00:24,316 --> 00:00:27,016 but I’ll wait till October. 15 00:00:27,019 --> 00:00:29,349 [muffled club music] BILLY: Whoa. 16 00:00:29,354 --> 00:00:30,394 - Yeah, keep walking. 17 00:00:30,388 --> 00:00:31,818 You wish you could have him. 18 00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:33,563 - I hate Coming Out Day. 19 00:00:33,558 --> 00:00:35,358 It’s hard enough for me to get gay guys to notice me. 20 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,800 Now I have to deal with a whole new graduating class. 21 00:00:37,795 --> 00:00:39,495 - Is the top of that class always a top? 22 00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:41,897 - And the competition around Coming Out Day is insane. 23 00:00:41,899 --> 00:00:43,499 Everyone’s always looking to trade up 24 00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:44,571 for one of the new ones. 25 00:00:44,569 --> 00:00:46,099 Gay guys are like iPhones. 26 00:00:46,104 --> 00:00:47,874 - Yeah, you can’t take ’em into the bathtub, 27 00:00:47,872 --> 00:00:49,272 but you do because you’re bored. 28 00:00:49,274 --> 00:00:50,844 - Oh, hey, whatever happened with that 29 00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:52,142 "Ladies Who Love to Laugh" festival? 30 00:00:52,144 --> 00:00:53,754 - They redacted me. - What the fuck? 31 00:00:53,745 --> 00:00:54,875 - I know. 32 00:00:54,879 --> 00:00:56,109 I’m not a girls’ girl? 33 00:00:56,114 --> 00:00:57,354 Fuck those cunts. 34 00:00:57,349 --> 00:00:59,349 - Oh, Coming Out Day celebrant at 12:00. 35 00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:02,191 - I was so nervous. Thanks for understanding. 36 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,317 - Oh, my God. 37 00:01:03,321 --> 00:01:05,161 That kid just came out to his father. 38 00:01:05,157 --> 00:01:07,427 - I love you, Daddy. 39 00:01:07,425 --> 00:01:10,425 [driving punk rock music] 40 00:01:10,428 --> 00:01:12,028 - Different kind of daddy. 41 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:16,300 ♪ ♪ 42 00:01:16,301 --> 00:01:18,571 - So you’re saying your roommate Pepper is... 43 00:01:18,570 --> 00:01:21,810 - My girlfriend, yeah. 44 00:01:21,806 --> 00:01:23,006 - We had no idea. 45 00:01:23,008 --> 00:01:24,138 - No idea? 46 00:01:24,142 --> 00:01:25,742 Thumb ring, asymmetrical haircut, 47 00:01:25,743 --> 00:01:27,413 Fun Home sweatshirt, 48 00:01:27,412 --> 00:01:28,752 didn’t raise any red flags? 49 00:01:28,746 --> 00:01:30,346 - [sobbing] - Interesting. 50 00:01:30,348 --> 00:01:32,778 I’ll be right back with your change, Lea DeLaria. 51 00:01:32,784 --> 00:01:34,554 Hey, guys, Nate said that I can leave early 52 00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:36,222 if one of you can take my shift. 53 00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:37,661 - Guys? Really? 54 00:01:37,655 --> 00:01:38,955 - No, no, no. That’s not what I meant. 55 00:01:38,956 --> 00:01:40,286 You know what I meant. 56 00:01:40,292 --> 00:01:41,992 - Listen to me, you entitled fucko, 57 00:01:41,994 --> 00:01:43,734 with one comment on Candis Cayne’e Instagram, 58 00:01:43,728 --> 00:01:45,458 I can bring you down faster than the second tower 59 00:01:45,463 --> 00:01:46,963 on Dick Cheney’s command. 60 00:01:46,964 --> 00:01:48,874 - Please don’t ruin my life with a hashtag. 61 00:01:48,866 --> 00:01:50,036 I was just saying I-- 62 00:01:50,035 --> 00:01:52,235 - Check your privilege, faggot. 63 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:54,007 And I can say that because I was one. 64 00:01:54,006 --> 00:01:55,406 BILLY: No, I just saying, 65 00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:57,077 I have a party to go to in Hoboken tonight, 66 00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:58,535 and I know it’s going to be a late night. 67 00:01:58,543 --> 00:02:00,113 Here you go. 68 00:02:00,112 --> 00:02:01,952 Coming Out Day customers never turn over their tables 69 00:02:01,946 --> 00:02:04,046 because of stupid emotion-related loitering. 70 00:02:04,049 --> 00:02:05,819 - God, is it Coming Out Day already? 71 00:02:05,817 --> 00:02:07,117 I can’t believe it’s been a whole year 72 00:02:07,119 --> 00:02:08,849 since I came out out of the closet. 73 00:02:08,853 --> 00:02:10,263 - I’m sorry. - What? 74 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,555 - Oh, yeah; I came out one year ago today. 75 00:02:12,557 --> 00:02:15,157 Packed my bindle, slipped on a pair of dungaree shorts, 76 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:16,760 told me wife Trish I was gay, 77 00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:19,201 and hitched a ride to New York City. 78 00:02:19,197 --> 00:02:21,897 Concrete jungle, where dreams are made of. 79 00:02:23,135 --> 00:02:25,795 Sometimes I still think of Trish. 80 00:02:25,803 --> 00:02:27,513 - Wait, what kind of party’s in Hoboken, 81 00:02:27,505 --> 00:02:28,665 and why wasn’t I invited? 82 00:02:28,673 --> 00:02:30,113 Oh, I think I know. 83 00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,978 It starts with a "Tr" and ends with an "Ans." 84 00:02:32,977 --> 00:02:34,547 - Oh, wait, wait, wait. Oh, don’t tell me. 85 00:02:34,546 --> 00:02:36,176 I love these word jumbles. 86 00:02:36,181 --> 00:02:38,621 Um... oh, God, Tricia’s always so much better at these. 87 00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:41,316 Oh, trap cans. True pans. 88 00:02:41,319 --> 00:02:43,219 Um, Toratio Sans! 89 00:02:43,221 --> 00:02:45,121 God, if Tricia was here, she’d have got it like that. 90 00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:48,063 She’s so smart. I should call her. 91 00:02:48,060 --> 00:02:49,690 Should I call her? I can call her. 92 00:02:49,694 --> 00:02:51,904 I can’t. Ah! 93 00:02:51,896 --> 00:02:54,426 There’s no rules for this sort of thing. 94 00:02:54,432 --> 00:02:55,572 Mm. 95 00:02:55,567 --> 00:02:57,167 You know, I’m gonna call her. 96 00:02:57,169 --> 00:02:59,199 - So what’s this party in Hoboken? 97 00:02:59,204 --> 00:03:01,474 - I’m going to the grand opening of Kevin Smith’s Jorts Emporium. 98 00:03:01,473 --> 00:03:04,213 He’s relaunching Bugle Boy jeans with his own unique denim. 99 00:03:04,209 --> 00:03:06,179 It’s all awful. I have to go. 100 00:03:06,178 --> 00:03:07,708 - Well, you’re gonna have to find someone from the outside 101 00:03:07,712 --> 00:03:10,082 to cover you, because unlike 9/11, 102 00:03:10,082 --> 00:03:12,152 this is not an inside job. 103 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:15,090 - Trish says it’s "trains." 104 00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,318 - I’m waiting for you to thank me 105 00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:19,693 for the haircut you’re about to get. 106 00:03:19,691 --> 00:03:21,391 - Dear Mom, who art in heaven, 107 00:03:21,393 --> 00:03:24,633 thank you for this free student haircut I am about to receive. 108 00:03:24,629 --> 00:03:26,659 - I had to pay for parking. 109 00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,434 Oh, look, Julie. 110 00:03:28,433 --> 00:03:30,243 Oh, honey, we’re the only mother/daughter duo here. 111 00:03:30,235 --> 00:03:32,835 It’s all girls and best friends their age. 112 00:03:32,837 --> 00:03:35,007 - Why can’t girls my age like me? 113 00:03:35,007 --> 00:03:37,137 I like animals. I eat cupcakes. 114 00:03:37,142 --> 00:03:40,052 In the right lighting I kind of look like Amy Schumer. 115 00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:42,705 - Julie, don’t appear desperate to make friends. 116 00:03:42,714 --> 00:03:44,384 You’ll attract sickos. 117 00:03:44,382 --> 00:03:47,852 I’m working with this woman who lost her daughter to a cult. 118 00:03:47,852 --> 00:03:49,492 You know what you’re doing, right? 119 00:03:49,487 --> 00:03:51,257 [rock music] 120 00:03:51,256 --> 00:03:53,156 - Well, you get what you pay for. 121 00:03:53,158 --> 00:03:55,428 - Now I’m gonna have to buy a hat, God damn it. 122 00:03:55,427 --> 00:03:56,887 I hate hats. 123 00:03:56,894 --> 00:03:58,334 I always want to look like Elaine Stritch, 124 00:03:58,330 --> 00:04:00,770 but instead I look like an orthodox Jew. 125 00:04:00,765 --> 00:04:03,095 - And this perm makes me look like Melanie Griffith 126 00:04:03,101 --> 00:04:05,541 from the first hour of "Working Girl." 127 00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:07,767 "I got a head for business, 128 00:04:07,772 --> 00:04:10,882 and a bod for Cinnabons." 129 00:04:10,875 --> 00:04:12,805 - [sighs] 130 00:04:12,810 --> 00:04:14,110 Wait a minute. 131 00:04:14,112 --> 00:04:15,612 Grace Kelly has a brunette sister. 132 00:04:15,613 --> 00:04:17,523 Nice. 133 00:04:17,515 --> 00:04:19,275 Even in crisis I maintain. 134 00:04:19,284 --> 00:04:21,654 ♪ ♪ 135 00:04:21,653 --> 00:04:22,923 - Oh, shit. 136 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:24,360 Did I forget your birthday again? 137 00:04:24,356 --> 00:04:27,186 - Yes, last month, but this is for work. 138 00:04:27,192 --> 00:04:28,732 Wiffle bat, did your hair expand? 139 00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:30,356 - Yeah, I got a perm. 140 00:04:30,362 --> 00:04:32,802 I know, I look like little orphan "Weird Al" Yankovic. 141 00:04:32,797 --> 00:04:33,967 Ooh, cake. 142 00:04:33,965 --> 00:04:35,495 - Yeah, well, guess what. 143 00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:37,300 They decided that I would be the perfect person 144 00:04:37,302 --> 00:04:39,702 to be put in charge of birthday party-- 145 00:04:39,704 --> 00:04:41,144 oh, no; oh, okay. 146 00:04:41,139 --> 00:04:42,869 Well, I can just get a new one on the way in. 147 00:04:42,874 --> 00:04:44,844 - Well, what’s done is done. 148 00:04:44,842 --> 00:04:46,212 - I’ve been put in charge 149 00:04:46,211 --> 00:04:47,651 of the office birthday parties this month, 150 00:04:47,645 --> 00:04:49,005 which means that I’m the new PBS Joy Boy. 151 00:04:49,014 --> 00:04:51,424 - Oh, my God. Congratulations. 152 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,346 This is a lot of stuff. - I know. 153 00:04:53,351 --> 00:04:54,951 I was surprised when I saw the party budget. 154 00:04:54,952 --> 00:04:57,522 PBS takes celebrations seriously. 155 00:04:57,522 --> 00:04:58,892 And if this party goes well, 156 00:04:58,890 --> 00:05:00,290 it might just be my chance 157 00:05:00,292 --> 00:05:01,862 to sit at the Selfridge table for once. 158 00:05:01,859 --> 00:05:03,429 - What’s the Selfridge table? 159 00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:04,658 - The cool kids at work, 160 00:05:04,662 --> 00:05:06,462 they all work on "Mr. Selfridge." 161 00:05:06,464 --> 00:05:08,874 - Oh, right, the show that asks the pressing question 162 00:05:08,866 --> 00:05:12,266 "What if Jeremy Piven worked in a department store in 1910?" 163 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:13,940 - So far the answer is "not much," 164 00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,438 but if I am superlative Joy Boy, 165 00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:19,311 then I might just get a selfie with the Selfries. 166 00:05:19,311 --> 00:05:20,451 - Right. 167 00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:22,875 Well, can you please walk the dogs? 168 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:24,950 I have to put my face on and change. 169 00:05:24,949 --> 00:05:26,579 - It’s after 7:00 p. m. 170 00:05:26,584 --> 00:05:28,594 By this time you’re usually in your eating shirt, 171 00:05:28,586 --> 00:05:30,286 winding down. 172 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,788 - I know, but Billy and I are going to that Kevin Smith 173 00:05:31,789 --> 00:05:33,359 party in Hoboken, remember? 174 00:05:33,358 --> 00:05:35,188 - Ah, you really will go out of your way 175 00:05:35,193 --> 00:05:36,763 to do something ironically. 176 00:05:36,761 --> 00:05:37,861 - What can I say? 177 00:05:37,862 --> 00:05:39,432 I really hate Kevin Smith. 178 00:05:39,431 --> 00:05:41,731 BILLY: Well, we’re on the right block of the party, 179 00:05:41,733 --> 00:05:43,173 but we’re three hours early. 180 00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:44,538 - Well, how the hell are we supposed to know 181 00:05:44,536 --> 00:05:46,436 that the PATH train took ten minutes? 182 00:05:46,438 --> 00:05:48,238 - Well, we’d know if we ever looked at the Hudson, 183 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:49,340 but that would just trigger memories 184 00:05:49,341 --> 00:05:50,911 of Sully Sullenberger’s wife 185 00:05:50,908 --> 00:05:52,878 saying they like to have hero sex. 186 00:05:52,877 --> 00:05:54,277 - Look at this place, though. 187 00:05:54,279 --> 00:05:55,909 It’s like a foreign country. 188 00:05:55,913 --> 00:05:58,683 - I know. Industrial tubing. 189 00:05:58,683 --> 00:06:00,323 Olives in bulk. 190 00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:02,488 Helium tanks? Only in New Jersey. 191 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:05,357 - Only in New Jersey! - Hey, fuhgettaboutit! 192 00:06:05,357 --> 00:06:07,857 - Whatsamatta you! - Oh, hey! 193 00:06:07,859 --> 00:06:10,929 - [sniffs] Marinara. 194 00:06:10,928 --> 00:06:12,558 [jazzy music] 195 00:06:12,564 --> 00:06:14,504 - Wow, we’ve been in Hoboken, what, ten minutes? 196 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,369 We’ve already seen, like, 25 pictures of Frank Sinatra. 197 00:06:16,368 --> 00:06:18,568 - I feel like at least 15 were Ronan Farrow. 198 00:06:18,570 --> 00:06:20,870 - Hey, lady, try this soppressata. 199 00:06:20,872 --> 00:06:22,372 - Hey, I’m no lady. 200 00:06:22,374 --> 00:06:23,884 But I never say no to free meat in my mouth. 201 00:06:23,875 --> 00:06:25,875 - [laughs] 202 00:06:25,877 --> 00:06:27,677 - Atta girl. - Meat in your mouth. 203 00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:28,779 That was good. - [gags] 204 00:06:28,780 --> 00:06:30,420 "Get this meat out of my mouth." 205 00:06:30,415 --> 00:06:32,615 And other things John Travolta’s never said. 206 00:06:32,617 --> 00:06:35,387 [laughter] 207 00:06:35,387 --> 00:06:37,957 - Wow, your "meat in your mouth" material is really killing here. 208 00:06:37,955 --> 00:06:41,625 Not since gays with a GED discovered Whitney Cummings. 209 00:06:41,626 --> 00:06:43,596 - You’re a riot. 210 00:06:43,595 --> 00:06:45,555 - Yeah, you say what we want to think. 211 00:06:45,563 --> 00:06:46,563 - Oh, thanks. 212 00:06:46,564 --> 00:06:48,334 You’re so nice, 213 00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:49,803 ’cause usually I feel like other girls don’t get me. 214 00:06:49,801 --> 00:06:51,371 - Fuck those cunts. - Yeah. 215 00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:53,069 - That’s what I say. 216 00:06:53,071 --> 00:06:54,511 I’m Julie. This is my friend Billy. 217 00:06:54,506 --> 00:06:55,766 - Hey. - Hi. 218 00:06:55,773 --> 00:06:57,883 I’m Joni. This is Rizzo. 219 00:06:57,875 --> 00:06:59,475 And Therese. What are you guys up to? 220 00:06:59,477 --> 00:07:02,077 - Oh, we’re just killing time before a bad party. 221 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,050 - Yeah, well, come to a gay bar down the street. 222 00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,719 We’re meeting my fag brother. 223 00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:07,247 - She can say it because he is. 224 00:07:07,252 --> 00:07:09,452 - Wow, a gay bar in Jersey on Coming Out Day? 225 00:07:09,454 --> 00:07:11,864 Finally a world Anthony Bourdain hasn’t explored. 226 00:07:11,856 --> 00:07:13,756 - To our knowledge. 227 00:07:13,758 --> 00:07:18,098 [club music] 228 00:07:18,096 --> 00:07:19,656 - Well, there you have it. 229 00:07:19,664 --> 00:07:22,404 New York or New Jersey, I am invisible in gay bars. 230 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,800 - Hey, "Grease Live," pay attention to my friend. 231 00:07:24,802 --> 00:07:28,772 - Could we get the Coming Out Day drink special, I guess? 232 00:07:28,773 --> 00:07:31,383 - The two-for-one is only for people who just came out. 233 00:07:31,376 --> 00:07:33,276 Did you just come out? - Me? 234 00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:35,708 Yeah, I just came out today. 235 00:07:35,713 --> 00:07:38,783 - Hey, welcome to the tribe. 236 00:07:38,783 --> 00:07:41,453 This round’s on me. 237 00:07:41,453 --> 00:07:43,823 - Thank you. 238 00:07:43,821 --> 00:07:45,691 Holy shit, did you see that? 239 00:07:45,690 --> 00:07:47,430 - Yeah, I didn’t know Diesel still made that wash of denim. 240 00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:49,625 - No, Julie, don’t you understand? 241 00:07:49,627 --> 00:07:50,927 Nobody knows us here. 242 00:07:50,928 --> 00:07:52,298 I could pretend that I just came out, 243 00:07:52,297 --> 00:07:54,067 and then guys who are way out of my league 244 00:07:54,066 --> 00:07:55,096 would start paying attention to me. 245 00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:57,370 - So what are you waiting for? 246 00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:04,337 - Um, everyone. 247 00:08:04,342 --> 00:08:06,242 Uh, sorry to bother you, 248 00:08:06,244 --> 00:08:08,354 I just wanted to make an announcement. 249 00:08:08,346 --> 00:08:10,846 [gruff voice] Um, my name’s Billy, 250 00:08:10,848 --> 00:08:12,818 and... 251 00:08:12,817 --> 00:08:14,747 I just came out of the closet. 252 00:08:14,752 --> 00:08:18,362 [cheers and applause] 253 00:08:18,356 --> 00:08:20,456 Oh, and, um, furthermore, 254 00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:23,558 this is my wife. 255 00:08:23,561 --> 00:08:26,031 And... 256 00:08:26,031 --> 00:08:27,471 I’m gonna leave her. 257 00:08:30,402 --> 00:08:32,702 - But I’m okay with it! 258 00:08:32,704 --> 00:08:33,874 [cheers and applause] 259 00:08:33,871 --> 00:08:35,711 - Oh, your friend is so brave. 260 00:08:35,707 --> 00:08:38,177 - I think my brother Joey likes your friend. 261 00:08:38,176 --> 00:08:40,506 - That’s your brother? - Yeah. 262 00:08:40,512 --> 00:08:41,852 - Hey. 263 00:08:41,846 --> 00:08:44,076 - So by now I have no idea what’s going on. 264 00:08:44,082 --> 00:08:45,452 There’s cocaine everywhere, 265 00:08:45,450 --> 00:08:46,980 his dick’s in the cookie dough, 266 00:08:46,984 --> 00:08:48,394 I don’t know where my mother is, 267 00:08:48,386 --> 00:08:49,846 so I say to the dogs, 268 00:08:49,854 --> 00:08:51,194 the joke’s on you: 269 00:08:51,189 --> 00:08:53,029 I don’t have an asshole. 270 00:08:53,025 --> 00:08:54,385 [laughter] 271 00:08:54,392 --> 00:08:55,792 Ow! 272 00:08:55,793 --> 00:08:59,133 - Julie, you are a character. 273 00:08:59,131 --> 00:09:02,131 Nobody’s funnier than Italian girls. 274 00:09:02,134 --> 00:09:04,774 - Nobody is funnier than Italian girls. 275 00:09:04,769 --> 00:09:06,239 Like me. 276 00:09:06,238 --> 00:09:07,508 - Hey, Billy. 277 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:08,905 This round’s on me. Come on. 278 00:09:08,906 --> 00:09:10,036 - No, no, no, no, no. 279 00:09:10,042 --> 00:09:11,812 This one’s on me. 280 00:09:11,809 --> 00:09:14,109 ALL: Awww. 281 00:09:14,112 --> 00:09:15,782 BOTH: We love New Jersey! 282 00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:20,279 - Is it just me, 283 00:09:20,283 --> 00:09:21,283 or did we have a great time 284 00:09:21,283 --> 00:09:22,623 in New Jersey last night? 285 00:09:22,616 --> 00:09:24,446 I’m on the phone. JULIE: I know. 286 00:09:24,452 --> 00:09:25,852 Girls who don’t work at Sephora were talking to me. 287 00:09:25,853 --> 00:09:27,163 - All I had to do last night 288 00:09:27,155 --> 00:09:28,585 was show up straight and leave gay. 289 00:09:28,589 --> 00:09:30,219 And a guy who would have ignored me asked me out. 290 00:09:30,224 --> 00:09:31,864 I’ve never been with a guy that hot. 291 00:09:31,859 --> 00:09:33,059 Should we go back tonight? 292 00:09:33,061 --> 00:09:34,101 - Yeah, I want to go back tonight. 293 00:09:34,095 --> 00:09:35,095 I’ll see you later. 294 00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:36,526 BILLY: Great, bye. 295 00:09:36,530 --> 00:09:38,230 - Noodles. 296 00:09:38,232 --> 00:09:40,572 If I liked music, right about now I’d be singing the blues. 297 00:09:40,568 --> 00:09:42,068 - Oh, did the Selfridge boys 298 00:09:42,070 --> 00:09:44,010 not appreciate the party you threw? 299 00:09:44,005 --> 00:09:45,835 - They barely noticed. 300 00:09:45,839 --> 00:09:48,179 And I spared no expense. 301 00:09:48,176 --> 00:09:50,006 Isabel was so moved she cried real tears, 302 00:09:50,011 --> 00:09:53,081 which she hasn’t been able to do since the Challenger exploded. 303 00:09:53,081 --> 00:09:55,021 - Well, it sounds like it went okay. 304 00:09:55,016 --> 00:09:58,416 - Yeah, but the birthday budget I thought was for Isabel’s party 305 00:09:58,419 --> 00:10:00,289 turned out to be for the entire year. 306 00:10:00,288 --> 00:10:03,288 - Oh, babe, fuhgettaboutit. 307 00:10:03,291 --> 00:10:05,331 - I cannot forget about it. 308 00:10:05,326 --> 00:10:06,786 I have no money to spend, 309 00:10:06,794 --> 00:10:07,834 I’m still not popular, 310 00:10:07,828 --> 00:10:09,198 and tomorrow is Gabby’s birthday. 311 00:10:09,197 --> 00:10:10,427 What am I supposed to do? 312 00:10:10,431 --> 00:10:12,131 - Aw, babe-- [clank] 313 00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:13,633 What the fuck is this? 314 00:10:13,634 --> 00:10:15,604 - Lenny asked if we could store the helium tank 315 00:10:15,603 --> 00:10:17,413 for this kid’s party tomorrow. 316 00:10:17,405 --> 00:10:18,835 - Who’s Lenny? 317 00:10:18,839 --> 00:10:20,069 - It’s our neighbor across the hall. 318 00:10:20,074 --> 00:10:21,084 He hate him; you hate his kid. 319 00:10:21,075 --> 00:10:22,505 - Oh, right; that kid that talks 320 00:10:22,510 --> 00:10:23,740 to the dogs when I’m walking them, 321 00:10:23,744 --> 00:10:25,454 and the dad that just stands there 322 00:10:25,446 --> 00:10:27,016 because he assumes because I like dogs 323 00:10:27,015 --> 00:10:28,845 I also think kids are cute. 324 00:10:28,849 --> 00:10:30,419 Fuckin’ assholes. 325 00:10:30,418 --> 00:10:33,148 - Anyway, his kid’s having a birthday party. 326 00:10:33,154 --> 00:10:35,564 If you need me, I’ll be here in my misery chair. 327 00:10:35,556 --> 00:10:37,286 - Wait a minute, those girls last night 328 00:10:37,291 --> 00:10:38,961 were talking about this. 329 00:10:38,959 --> 00:10:41,359 When your man’s upset, you make him a plate, 330 00:10:41,362 --> 00:10:44,132 and you can’t do that, you... 331 00:10:44,132 --> 00:10:46,372 Oh, shit, what’s that called? 332 00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:47,667 You help him. 333 00:10:47,668 --> 00:10:49,638 So, Lenny, what do you think? 334 00:10:49,637 --> 00:10:52,437 - I guess there’s more room in your office conference room 335 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:53,640 for a birthday party, 336 00:10:53,641 --> 00:10:56,381 but it’s Newton’s decision. 337 00:10:56,377 --> 00:10:57,907 - Where’s your dogs? 338 00:10:57,911 --> 00:11:01,151 - The dogs are sleeping next to the helium tank 339 00:11:01,149 --> 00:11:02,479 that your daddy rented. 340 00:11:02,483 --> 00:11:03,983 Was that from Hoboken, by the way? 341 00:11:03,984 --> 00:11:05,254 Because we passed a place. 342 00:11:05,253 --> 00:11:06,393 - It is, yeah. JULIE: Okay, cool. 343 00:11:06,387 --> 00:11:08,087 - Can I get a batting cage? 344 00:11:08,089 --> 00:11:10,719 - We’ll see what we can do with Jim Lehrer’s cubicle. 345 00:11:10,724 --> 00:11:12,334 - And we can bring the clown that I paid for? 346 00:11:12,326 --> 00:11:14,156 - Of course. - Yes. 347 00:11:14,162 --> 00:11:15,702 - Yes? [gasps] 348 00:11:15,696 --> 00:11:16,896 BOTH: Hey! 349 00:11:16,897 --> 00:11:18,367 - All right, we’ll see you tomorrow. 350 00:11:18,366 --> 00:11:19,996 - All right, great, can’t wait! 351 00:11:20,001 --> 00:11:21,671 Thank you! Thanks, Lenny. 352 00:11:21,669 --> 00:11:23,899 Thanks, Newton. 353 00:11:23,904 --> 00:11:26,514 God, I still hate that fuckin’ kid. 354 00:11:26,507 --> 00:11:28,307 So listen, this is great. 355 00:11:28,309 --> 00:11:30,179 You don’t need to worry about the cost of party decorations 356 00:11:30,178 --> 00:11:31,178 or cake or anything else. 357 00:11:31,179 --> 00:11:32,179 - Aww. 358 00:11:32,180 --> 00:11:33,580 You’re helping me. 359 00:11:33,581 --> 00:11:34,781 - Please don’t ruin a moment 360 00:11:34,782 --> 00:11:35,952 by acknowledging it. 361 00:11:35,949 --> 00:11:37,519 - But how do we explain this to Gabby? 362 00:11:37,518 --> 00:11:39,048 - Well, Gabby seems like one of those women 363 00:11:39,053 --> 00:11:40,193 that likes children, 364 00:11:40,188 --> 00:11:41,918 at least that’s how she dresses. 365 00:11:41,922 --> 00:11:44,632 Just tell her it’s like a puppy party but with kids. 366 00:11:44,625 --> 00:11:46,355 - What’s a puppy party? 367 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,100 - It’s when you pay for somebody to bring over cute things 368 00:11:48,096 --> 00:11:50,326 for you to play with, but you don’t fuck ’em. 369 00:11:50,331 --> 00:11:52,201 - Oh. 370 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,040 [disco music] 371 00:11:54,035 --> 00:11:56,195 - Hey, Billy, thanks for coming back to Jersey. 372 00:11:56,204 --> 00:11:57,844 So tell me about yourself. 373 00:11:57,838 --> 00:12:01,208 - Well, uh, you know I’ve been straight for 35 years, 374 00:12:01,209 --> 00:12:03,909 so I do straight guy things. 375 00:12:03,911 --> 00:12:05,451 I mow the lawn. 376 00:12:05,446 --> 00:12:06,976 I have a man cave. 377 00:12:06,980 --> 00:12:09,980 I really like that song "Hotel California." 378 00:12:09,983 --> 00:12:11,593 - Wow. 379 00:12:11,585 --> 00:12:13,615 You must be completely oblivious about the gay culture. 380 00:12:13,621 --> 00:12:15,121 I mean, you do realize that 381 00:12:15,123 --> 00:12:16,923 gay men have way more in common 382 00:12:16,924 --> 00:12:19,234 than just wanting to have sex with each other, right? 383 00:12:19,227 --> 00:12:20,827 - Do we? - Absolutely. 384 00:12:20,828 --> 00:12:23,398 This is an amazing opportunity for me to take you 385 00:12:23,397 --> 00:12:25,127 through Gay 101. 386 00:12:25,133 --> 00:12:26,573 - Is it? - Oh, yeah. 387 00:12:26,567 --> 00:12:29,037 Buckle up for an extremely detailed tour 388 00:12:29,037 --> 00:12:30,867 of LGBLT history, 389 00:12:30,871 --> 00:12:34,411 from the ancient Greeks all the way to "Scream Queens." 390 00:12:34,408 --> 00:12:36,578 - Yeah, uh, Joey, please. 391 00:12:36,577 --> 00:12:37,977 I don’t know if we-- 392 00:12:43,384 --> 00:12:44,394 - That’s better. 393 00:12:44,385 --> 00:12:45,615 - Yeah, I was gonna say, 394 00:12:45,619 --> 00:12:47,459 "Please tell me about the heritage 395 00:12:47,455 --> 00:12:50,885 our queer brothers and sisters." 396 00:12:50,891 --> 00:12:52,431 - Look at these. 397 00:12:52,426 --> 00:12:54,026 These are pride rings. 398 00:12:54,028 --> 00:12:55,658 Really cool gay guys wear those. 399 00:12:55,663 --> 00:12:57,603 - Yeah, they definitely look really cool. 400 00:12:57,598 --> 00:12:59,568 - You can pretty much wear anything rainbow. 401 00:12:59,567 --> 00:13:01,437 Oh, and Madonna: we’re not into her anymore. 402 00:13:01,435 --> 00:13:02,895 It’s all about Demi Lovato. 403 00:13:05,006 --> 00:13:07,336 - Hey, Joey. 404 00:13:07,341 --> 00:13:09,241 Hey, I really appreciate this guided tour 405 00:13:09,243 --> 00:13:11,413 through my new life as a homosexual, 406 00:13:11,412 --> 00:13:14,182 but can’t we just go back to your place? 407 00:13:14,182 --> 00:13:15,552 - Not before I give you this book. 408 00:13:15,549 --> 00:13:17,849 Not many people know this about Stonewall. 409 00:13:17,851 --> 00:13:21,161 The riots happened right after Princess Diana died, 410 00:13:21,155 --> 00:13:22,455 so the gays were in no mood-- 411 00:13:25,359 --> 00:13:26,889 Billy. 412 00:13:26,894 --> 00:13:27,764 Let me be honest. 413 00:13:27,761 --> 00:13:29,761 I am super attracted to you. 414 00:13:29,763 --> 00:13:31,473 I mean, this morning I was jerking off in the shower 415 00:13:31,465 --> 00:13:34,695 thinking about you being straight so recently, 416 00:13:34,702 --> 00:13:38,272 quoting "The Big Lebowski" and wearing cargo shorts. 417 00:13:38,272 --> 00:13:41,042 - You know what was in the pockets of those cargo shorts? 418 00:13:41,042 --> 00:13:43,082 Pizza flavored Combos. 419 00:13:43,077 --> 00:13:45,507 - Oh, shit. 420 00:13:45,513 --> 00:13:47,023 Listen, when we hook up, 421 00:13:47,015 --> 00:13:48,675 it’s gonna be your first time with a man, 422 00:13:48,682 --> 00:13:50,152 so I want to take it slow. 423 00:13:50,151 --> 00:13:53,421 - Or not so slow. 424 00:13:53,421 --> 00:13:55,861 - Do you know anything about Judy Garland and her daughters? 425 00:13:55,856 --> 00:13:59,356 - I know she really fucking hot in "The Wizard of Oz." 426 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:00,660 When she was lying there at the end, 427 00:14:00,661 --> 00:14:03,531 I was like, "I’ll get in that bed." 428 00:14:03,531 --> 00:14:05,131 I don’t know about her daughters, though. 429 00:14:05,133 --> 00:14:06,273 Where they hot too? 430 00:14:06,267 --> 00:14:07,797 - Ah, never mind. 431 00:14:07,801 --> 00:14:09,671 You’ve gotta be really gay for that stuff. 432 00:14:11,672 --> 00:14:14,012 - I’ll fuck Auntie Em too. 433 00:14:14,008 --> 00:14:15,678 [upbeat music] 434 00:14:15,676 --> 00:14:17,976 JULIE: The first time I realized how different I felt 435 00:14:17,978 --> 00:14:20,178 was when Rizzo had a purse party. 436 00:14:20,181 --> 00:14:21,421 [indistinct chatter] 437 00:14:21,415 --> 00:14:22,645 - I dated Angelo’s son. 438 00:14:22,650 --> 00:14:25,690 Are you forgetting? Angelo, Jr.? 439 00:14:25,686 --> 00:14:27,316 So that lunatic Paul, you know what he said to me? 440 00:14:27,321 --> 00:14:28,391 - What did he say? 441 00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:29,719 - He told me if he got me alone, 442 00:14:29,723 --> 00:14:31,393 he’d bang my bus so hard, 443 00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:32,932 I’d forget the recipe to my grandmother’s gravy. 444 00:14:32,926 --> 00:14:34,356 - He what? 445 00:14:34,362 --> 00:14:35,562 - I said, "Paul, shut your fucking mouth 446 00:14:35,563 --> 00:14:37,003 "or I’ll kick you in the balls 447 00:14:36,998 --> 00:14:38,198 until you forget your confirmation name." 448 00:14:38,199 --> 00:14:39,799 [laughter] 449 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,170 - Ugh, I would have given him the Italian Piñata. 450 00:14:41,169 --> 00:14:42,569 [all gasp] 451 00:14:42,570 --> 00:14:44,710 JULIE: They had bad skin and too much makeup. 452 00:14:44,705 --> 00:14:46,305 I mean, they didn’t look very good. 453 00:14:46,307 --> 00:14:49,177 The designer purses were obviously stolen knockoffs, 454 00:14:49,177 --> 00:14:51,847 and all they talked about were how guys hit on them 455 00:14:51,845 --> 00:14:54,515 and how they’d kill anyone who ever crossed them. 456 00:14:54,515 --> 00:14:56,475 I loved every minute of it. 457 00:14:56,484 --> 00:14:57,794 - How much for the orange? 458 00:14:57,785 --> 00:14:59,785 Because it’s really catching my eye. 459 00:14:59,787 --> 00:15:01,217 - Where did you guys get these purses? 460 00:15:01,222 --> 00:15:02,622 - Oh, they fell off a truck. 461 00:15:02,623 --> 00:15:05,263 - You should take one for your mom. 462 00:15:05,259 --> 00:15:07,529 Oh, Giuliana, look at you. 463 00:15:07,528 --> 00:15:08,758 You fluffed your hair, 464 00:15:08,762 --> 00:15:10,032 you borrowed my blouse. 465 00:15:10,031 --> 00:15:11,571 You don’t look like a boy anymore. 466 00:15:11,565 --> 00:15:13,365 - Hey, Giuliana, tell us a funny story. 467 00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:14,637 We love to laugh. 468 00:15:14,635 --> 00:15:16,765 - Uh, I could tell you a funny story 469 00:15:16,770 --> 00:15:18,770 about my food and weight issues. 470 00:15:21,375 --> 00:15:24,175 I mean, where’s my fucking head? 471 00:15:24,178 --> 00:15:27,278 My Jewish neighbor’s food and weight issues. 472 00:15:27,281 --> 00:15:28,581 [laughter] 473 00:15:28,582 --> 00:15:29,582 - This ought to be good. 474 00:15:29,583 --> 00:15:31,093 - Those fucking Jews! 475 00:15:31,085 --> 00:15:34,255 [laughter] 476 00:15:34,255 --> 00:15:36,315 - So one time I saw her-- 477 00:15:36,324 --> 00:15:37,334 I mean, him-- 478 00:15:37,325 --> 00:15:39,625 pour a whole thing of Windex 479 00:15:39,627 --> 00:15:40,827 into a box of Krave cereal 480 00:15:40,828 --> 00:15:42,898 just so he could stop eating it. 481 00:15:42,896 --> 00:15:44,326 [laughter] 482 00:15:44,332 --> 00:15:45,902 - You’re killing me! 483 00:15:45,899 --> 00:15:48,569 - Tell us more stories about your dumb Jewish neighbor! 484 00:15:48,569 --> 00:15:49,799 - You know what, can you just-- 485 00:15:49,803 --> 00:15:51,173 why don’t you do it in the car, 486 00:15:51,172 --> 00:15:52,872 on the way to the Short Hills mall? 487 00:15:52,873 --> 00:15:54,313 - We got to stop at the Cheesecake factory first, 488 00:15:54,308 --> 00:15:56,138 make sure we have enough dairy inside of us 489 00:15:56,144 --> 00:15:57,784 for shopping energy. 490 00:15:57,778 --> 00:16:01,818 - I have found my corner of the sky. 491 00:16:04,352 --> 00:16:05,552 - [sniffles] 492 00:16:05,553 --> 00:16:06,993 And I feel like it’s my fault 493 00:16:06,987 --> 00:16:08,957 my daughter joined that cult to begin with. 494 00:16:08,956 --> 00:16:10,716 - Well, that’s just idiotic. 495 00:16:10,724 --> 00:16:12,234 - Dr. Kessler! 496 00:16:12,226 --> 00:16:13,856 - Oh, I’m sorry. 497 00:16:13,861 --> 00:16:16,131 I just caught my reflection, and this beret is stupid. 498 00:16:16,130 --> 00:16:17,570 Anyway, go ahead. 499 00:16:17,565 --> 00:16:20,365 - Well, I want to save Becky from that cult. 500 00:16:20,368 --> 00:16:21,598 - You know what? 501 00:16:21,602 --> 00:16:23,042 I’m gonna just change my hat, 502 00:16:23,037 --> 00:16:24,937 and then I’ll be able to concentrate. 503 00:16:24,938 --> 00:16:27,478 ♪ ♪ 504 00:16:27,475 --> 00:16:28,675 - Arthur, my king, 505 00:16:28,676 --> 00:16:30,006 I made you a plate. 506 00:16:30,011 --> 00:16:32,681 - Oh, well, thank you, Certs roll. 507 00:16:34,215 --> 00:16:36,675 - Are you tan or just dirty? 508 00:16:36,684 --> 00:16:38,424 - Oh, Mama. 509 00:16:38,419 --> 00:16:39,449 Mama. 510 00:16:39,453 --> 00:16:40,923 Madre. 511 00:16:40,921 --> 00:16:43,121 Prego. 512 00:16:43,124 --> 00:16:44,034 I got you a purse. 513 00:16:44,025 --> 00:16:45,655 It’s the least I could do. 514 00:16:45,659 --> 00:16:49,399 - Julie, what the fuck is going on? 515 00:16:49,397 --> 00:16:53,097 - To paraphrase activist hairdresser Rachel Dolezal, 516 00:16:53,101 --> 00:16:55,471 "Challenging the construct of ethnicity 517 00:16:55,469 --> 00:16:57,609 is at the core of human consciousness." 518 00:16:57,605 --> 00:17:00,435 In other words, 519 00:17:00,441 --> 00:17:02,481 I identify as Italian. 520 00:17:02,476 --> 00:17:04,906 [laughs] Oh, God. 521 00:17:04,912 --> 00:17:06,682 It feels so good to come out. 522 00:17:09,483 --> 00:17:10,623 - [gasps] 523 00:17:12,986 --> 00:17:14,886 - Arthur, what is this birthday surprise? 524 00:17:14,888 --> 00:17:16,888 - Well, I know how hard it’s been for you to adopt 525 00:17:16,890 --> 00:17:18,230 as a single mother. 526 00:17:18,226 --> 00:17:20,386 - What? Where did you hear about that? 527 00:17:20,394 --> 00:17:22,464 - You’ve been sobbing about it at every Christmas party 528 00:17:22,463 --> 00:17:23,763 for the last eight years. 529 00:17:23,764 --> 00:17:25,274 - Fair enough. 530 00:17:25,266 --> 00:17:27,536 - And I know how much you like children, 531 00:17:27,535 --> 00:17:29,895 so have you heard of puppy parties? 532 00:17:29,903 --> 00:17:31,243 - No. 533 00:17:31,239 --> 00:17:32,839 I’m allergic to every animal but the frog. 534 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,340 - Well, feast your eyes on the latest offering 535 00:17:35,343 --> 00:17:37,113 from the very same company. 536 00:17:41,349 --> 00:17:42,619 - [gasps] 537 00:17:42,616 --> 00:17:45,646 [cheerful music] 538 00:17:45,653 --> 00:17:47,223 - Your turn. 539 00:17:47,221 --> 00:17:48,991 - Oh, my God. 540 00:17:48,989 --> 00:17:51,729 Arthur. - This party sucks. 541 00:17:51,725 --> 00:17:54,895 - These kids are adorable. 542 00:17:54,895 --> 00:17:58,765 This is the best birthday su-- 543 00:17:58,766 --> 00:17:59,796 [tense music] 544 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:00,800 Jesus fucking Christ! 545 00:18:00,801 --> 00:18:02,541 Is that a clown? 546 00:18:02,536 --> 00:18:04,706 Oh, my God! [screams] 547 00:18:04,705 --> 00:18:05,735 - Uh, okay, uh... 548 00:18:05,739 --> 00:18:07,509 - [screaming] 549 00:18:07,508 --> 00:18:10,008 [all screaming] 550 00:18:10,011 --> 00:18:13,451 ♪ ♪ 551 00:18:13,447 --> 00:18:15,577 [screaming] 552 00:18:22,190 --> 00:18:23,460 - I am so sorry, Gabby. 553 00:18:23,457 --> 00:18:25,257 I didn’t know there would be a clown, 554 00:18:25,259 --> 00:18:27,159 and I certainly didn’t know he would give chase. 555 00:18:27,161 --> 00:18:29,861 - I’m going to have to up my therapy, Arthur. 556 00:18:29,863 --> 00:18:33,503 I was finally down to 5 1/2 times a week, you know? 557 00:18:33,501 --> 00:18:35,371 The half is a Skype session. 558 00:18:35,369 --> 00:18:37,269 Never works the same. 559 00:18:37,271 --> 00:18:38,741 - Please don’t fire me. 560 00:18:38,739 --> 00:18:39,839 I need the income. 561 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,310 My girlfriend’s Italian now, 562 00:18:41,309 --> 00:18:42,779 and she’s asking for money in inches. 563 00:18:42,776 --> 00:18:44,006 - I’m not gonna fire you, Arthur. 564 00:18:44,012 --> 00:18:45,682 But you will never again be planning 565 00:18:45,679 --> 00:18:47,479 a PBS birthday celebration. 566 00:18:47,481 --> 00:18:50,051 From now on, the only Joy Boy around here is going to be 567 00:18:50,051 --> 00:18:53,051 the discreet massage wand I keep in my car. 568 00:18:55,689 --> 00:18:56,889 I’m sorry. 569 00:18:58,559 --> 00:19:02,329 Clown trauma has left with no ability to self-censor. 570 00:19:02,330 --> 00:19:04,270 BILLY: You’ve really embraced this Italian thing. 571 00:19:04,265 --> 00:19:07,195 JULIE: Well, New Jersey mall makeovers are clearly the best. 572 00:19:07,201 --> 00:19:08,371 How’s Joey? 573 00:19:08,369 --> 00:19:10,239 - Well, tonight better be my big night. 574 00:19:10,238 --> 00:19:12,638 Only a guy as hot as Joey could put me through this rigmarole. 575 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,680 - That reminds me, I have to get Joni’s recipe 576 00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:16,135 for her mother’s rigmarole. 577 00:19:16,144 --> 00:19:18,314 - Oh, how did Marilyn handle the coming out? 578 00:19:18,312 --> 00:19:19,482 - Not well. 579 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,120 She blanched like a spear of asparagus, 580 00:19:21,115 --> 00:19:22,775 then she ran out of there like her bucatini 581 00:19:22,783 --> 00:19:24,253 was about to overcook. 582 00:19:24,252 --> 00:19:26,552 - Oh, well, someone’s thinking about food 583 00:19:26,554 --> 00:19:27,764 even more than usual. 584 00:19:27,755 --> 00:19:29,255 - No, that’s the thing. 585 00:19:29,257 --> 00:19:30,817 It’s just that when I talk about it out here, 586 00:19:30,824 --> 00:19:32,464 all the sudden I’m not a sad mess. 587 00:19:32,460 --> 00:19:35,030 Everything that made me unacceptable as a New York Jew 588 00:19:35,029 --> 00:19:37,699 is celebrated as a New Jersey Italian. 589 00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:40,628 - Lying about who we are made us accept who we really are. 590 00:19:40,634 --> 00:19:42,404 After we changed it. 591 00:19:42,403 --> 00:19:44,313 - I wish we’d discovered New Jersey sooner. 592 00:19:44,305 --> 00:19:48,435 WOMAN: I let a cult take my daughter away. 593 00:19:48,442 --> 00:19:51,452 MARILYN: Have a tissue. 594 00:19:51,445 --> 00:19:54,875 - Now I don’t have control over my daughter! 595 00:19:54,882 --> 00:19:56,852 Oh, I try to make her feel guilty 596 00:19:56,850 --> 00:19:58,650 and to impose my worldview on her, 597 00:19:58,652 --> 00:20:00,422 but it doesn’t work anymore. 598 00:20:00,421 --> 00:20:02,721 - Well, what would you have done differently 599 00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:04,333 to avoid her slipping away? 600 00:20:04,325 --> 00:20:07,025 - I’d have acted the moment I had a suspicion. 601 00:20:07,028 --> 00:20:08,728 I’d throw a bag over her head 602 00:20:08,729 --> 00:20:10,659 and toss her in the back of a van. 603 00:20:10,664 --> 00:20:14,544 - Why don’t we use the rest of the session meditating. 604 00:20:14,535 --> 00:20:15,965 - Okay. 605 00:20:15,969 --> 00:20:17,509 - Do you still have the mantra I sold you? 606 00:20:17,505 --> 00:20:19,005 - Oh, yeah. 607 00:20:19,007 --> 00:20:20,607 - You know it expires at the end of the month. 608 00:20:20,608 --> 00:20:21,878 Let yourself out. 609 00:20:21,875 --> 00:20:23,775 [indistinct chatter and laughter] 610 00:20:23,777 --> 00:20:24,947 - Selfries. 611 00:20:24,945 --> 00:20:26,305 - Hey, Tack. 612 00:20:26,314 --> 00:20:28,024 - It’s Arthur. Tack is my last name. 613 00:20:28,016 --> 00:20:29,216 - We’re calling you by your last night now 614 00:20:29,217 --> 00:20:31,217 because we think you’re cool. 615 00:20:31,219 --> 00:20:33,119 - The Selfries think I’m cool? 616 00:20:33,121 --> 00:20:34,921 - What’s cooler than hiring a clown to chase 617 00:20:34,922 --> 00:20:36,722 our boss around the office? 618 00:20:36,724 --> 00:20:37,994 - I can’t fucking think of anything. 619 00:20:37,991 --> 00:20:39,131 - We should text Piven. 620 00:20:39,127 --> 00:20:40,627 - We should totally text Piven. 621 00:20:40,628 --> 00:20:41,858 - See you at lunch, Tack. 622 00:20:41,862 --> 00:20:44,172 We’ll save you a seat. 623 00:20:44,165 --> 00:20:46,225 - Excuse me. - Marilyn? 624 00:20:46,234 --> 00:20:47,704 What’s wrong? Is it about Julie? 625 00:20:47,701 --> 00:20:48,971 - No, Arthur. 626 00:20:48,969 --> 00:20:50,339 I thought it’d be a good time 627 00:20:50,338 --> 00:20:52,908 to talk about the myth of the gluten-free diet. 628 00:20:52,906 --> 00:20:54,836 Yes, it’s about Julie. 629 00:20:54,842 --> 00:20:56,582 We have to rescue her before we lose her 630 00:20:56,577 --> 00:20:57,947 to this Italian thing forever. 631 00:20:57,945 --> 00:20:59,475 - Marilyn, relax. 632 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,020 It’s just a phase. 633 00:21:01,015 --> 00:21:02,275 It’s like when she pretended to like hip-hop. 634 00:21:02,283 --> 00:21:04,593 Or tried to stop eating Chinese food. 635 00:21:04,585 --> 00:21:07,285 - Oh, it was a brutal afternoon. 636 00:21:07,288 --> 00:21:09,818 Look, she texted me her address in Hoboken, 637 00:21:09,823 --> 00:21:11,493 but then she also added "Ciao Bella." 638 00:21:11,492 --> 00:21:14,962 Oh, I have to say I do like how friendly Italian Julie is. 639 00:21:14,962 --> 00:21:16,732 - Well, maybe this isn’t the worse thing 640 00:21:16,730 --> 00:21:18,330 that she could become. 641 00:21:18,332 --> 00:21:20,272 - Arthur, you are a WASP with a drinking problem. 642 00:21:20,268 --> 00:21:22,868 I’m a Jew with the metabolism of a 25-year-old. 643 00:21:22,870 --> 00:21:25,870 We have nothing in common except Julie. 644 00:21:25,873 --> 00:21:27,683 And we risk losing her to something 645 00:21:27,675 --> 00:21:31,105 that’s had a pull on mankind way longer than even makes sense. 646 00:21:31,112 --> 00:21:34,922 If we don’t act now, we could lose Julie to... 647 00:21:34,915 --> 00:21:37,345 - To what? 648 00:21:37,351 --> 00:21:39,721 - Catholicism. 649 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,090 - Let’s get our girl. 650 00:21:43,824 --> 00:21:44,834 - How do we get to Hoboken? 651 00:21:44,825 --> 00:21:45,925 Ferry? 652 00:21:45,926 --> 00:21:47,626 - We’ll take an Uber. 653 00:21:47,628 --> 00:21:49,228 - Hey, Arthur. 654 00:21:49,230 --> 00:21:51,170 Thanks again for lending us your conference room. 655 00:21:51,165 --> 00:21:53,765 Newton got a real kick out of that crying woman. 656 00:21:53,767 --> 00:21:54,897 - You need a hand with that thing? 657 00:21:54,902 --> 00:21:56,302 - No, I’m all right. 658 00:21:56,304 --> 00:21:58,014 We just got to bring it down to my van, 659 00:21:58,006 --> 00:21:59,336 and then we’re gonna return it to Hoboken. 660 00:21:59,340 --> 00:22:00,540 - Hoboken? 661 00:22:00,541 --> 00:22:02,111 - Fortune is smiling upon us, Marilyn. 662 00:22:02,110 --> 00:22:03,610 You have room in that van for two more? 663 00:22:03,611 --> 00:22:04,711 - Sure. - Thanks. 664 00:22:04,712 --> 00:22:07,922 - Excuse me. Manners. 665 00:22:07,915 --> 00:22:10,245 [laughter] 666 00:22:10,251 --> 00:22:12,951 JULIE: No girlfriends have ever thrown me a dinner before. 667 00:22:12,953 --> 00:22:14,693 - I fucking love your guts. 668 00:22:14,688 --> 00:22:17,528 - Oh, Giuliana, you’re such a girls’ girl. 669 00:22:17,525 --> 00:22:20,655 - Really? - Yeah, we’re sisters, bitch. 670 00:22:20,661 --> 00:22:22,201 Now let’s get so shit-faced 671 00:22:22,196 --> 00:22:24,826 we forget the designation assigned to each saint! 672 00:22:24,832 --> 00:22:26,072 [laughter] 673 00:22:26,067 --> 00:22:27,837 - Yo, Vito! - Vito! 674 00:22:27,835 --> 00:22:30,295 - Turn on the music! 675 00:22:30,304 --> 00:22:32,374 [Sinatra’s "New York, New York" playing] 676 00:22:32,373 --> 00:22:35,413 - Hey, I know we’re trying to take it slow, 677 00:22:35,409 --> 00:22:40,049 but this recently out bro is really ready to go all the way. 678 00:22:40,048 --> 00:22:42,078 - Tonight’s the night. - You serious? 679 00:22:42,083 --> 00:22:44,593 - Yeah, I’m serious as that Larry Kramer play, 680 00:22:44,585 --> 00:22:47,085 "The Normal Brain." 681 00:22:47,088 --> 00:22:49,158 So you want to head back to my place? 682 00:22:49,157 --> 00:22:52,127 - Yeah, but... I’m scared. 683 00:22:52,126 --> 00:22:54,296 - That’s so hot. 684 00:22:54,295 --> 00:22:56,025 ♪ ♪ 685 00:22:56,030 --> 00:22:57,600 - Oh, I friggin’ love this song. 686 00:22:57,598 --> 00:22:59,468 - Think it may even be my favorite Frank Sinatra song 687 00:22:59,467 --> 00:23:01,237 of all time. 688 00:23:01,235 --> 00:23:04,065 BOTH: I always thought of it as more of a Liza Minnelli song. 689 00:23:04,072 --> 00:23:05,212 [music stops] 690 00:23:07,075 --> 00:23:09,135 - Liza Minnelli? 691 00:23:09,143 --> 00:23:12,913 How do you know about her? 692 00:23:12,913 --> 00:23:14,223 You’re not recently out. 693 00:23:14,215 --> 00:23:16,745 - And you’re not really Italian. 694 00:23:16,750 --> 00:23:19,120 - Oh, I fuckin’ hate fakers. 695 00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:20,520 You lied to my brother? 696 00:23:20,521 --> 00:23:21,561 - You lied to my sister? 697 00:23:21,555 --> 00:23:23,655 Do you know what we do to fakers? 698 00:23:23,657 --> 00:23:24,957 MARILYN : There she is! 699 00:23:24,958 --> 00:23:26,328 Come on, come on. Let’s go! 700 00:23:26,327 --> 00:23:27,897 - This isn’t a helium tank place. 701 00:23:27,895 --> 00:23:29,325 - Who the hell are you? 702 00:23:29,330 --> 00:23:31,000 - Holy shit, it’s an Italian weirdo 703 00:23:30,999 --> 00:23:32,529 with helium, a bat, and a bag. 704 00:23:32,533 --> 00:23:35,103 - They’re gonna give her the Italian piñata. 705 00:23:35,103 --> 00:23:36,673 - Send my regard to Lorraine Bracco 706 00:23:36,670 --> 00:23:39,170 and her affordable wines. 707 00:23:39,173 --> 00:23:40,313 - Come on, Lenny. 708 00:23:40,308 --> 00:23:41,538 You’re going there anyway. 709 00:23:41,542 --> 00:23:43,442 Just give us a ride home in the van. 710 00:23:43,444 --> 00:23:45,354 - I don’t want Newtown caught up in any more of your lies. 711 00:23:49,083 --> 00:23:51,023 - "PAITHE"? What is that? An acronym? 712 00:23:51,019 --> 00:23:53,519 - It’s pronounced "path." 713 00:23:53,521 --> 00:23:57,191 - We’ll get back to Manhattan when, tomorrow early afternoon? 714 00:23:57,191 --> 00:23:58,791 BILLY: Good-bye, New Jersey. 715 00:23:58,792 --> 00:24:00,292 Thanks for giving me a boyfriend 716 00:24:00,294 --> 00:24:01,864 that’s out of my league 717 00:24:01,862 --> 00:24:05,572 and balls as blue as Bruce Springsteen’s denim. 718 00:24:05,566 --> 00:24:06,866 - Good-bye, New Jersey. 719 00:24:06,867 --> 00:24:09,867 Thanks for letting me feel like a girls’ girl, 720 00:24:09,870 --> 00:24:12,240 just for a minute. 721 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,480 And for your cannolis. 722 00:24:14,475 --> 00:24:16,905 - Oh, Ottoman, don’t cry. 723 00:24:16,910 --> 00:24:19,550 - And the confectioner’s sugar! 724 00:24:19,547 --> 00:24:23,447 [sobbing] 725 00:24:23,451 --> 00:24:25,691 MAN: ♪ Oh ♪ 726 00:24:25,686 --> 00:24:28,016 ♪ Thought it’d be easy ♪ 727 00:24:28,022 --> 00:24:30,662 ♪ Thought they didn’t know ♪ 728 00:24:30,658 --> 00:24:34,698 ♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪ 729 00:24:34,695 --> 00:24:36,095 ♪ ♪ 730 00:24:36,097 --> 00:24:38,167 ♪ Another way out ♪ 731 00:24:38,166 --> 00:24:40,966 ♪ Found on the way home ♪ 732 00:24:40,968 --> 00:24:42,368 ♪ Thought you were living fast ♪ 733 00:24:42,370 --> 00:24:45,610 ♪ But you were living slow ♪ 734 00:24:45,606 --> 00:24:53,546 ♪ ♪