1 00:00:01,303 --> 00:00:02,303 [banging on door] 2 00:00:02,304 --> 00:00:04,074 - [groans] 3 00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:06,512 All right! 4 00:00:06,509 --> 00:00:07,639 What... 5 00:00:07,643 --> 00:00:08,643 [knocking on door] 6 00:00:08,644 --> 00:00:09,954 Who is it? 7 00:00:09,945 --> 00:00:11,305 - It’s Jamie Lee Curtis. 8 00:00:11,313 --> 00:00:12,723 Who do you think it is? 9 00:00:12,715 --> 00:00:15,475 - [moans] 10 00:00:15,484 --> 00:00:16,794 Hey. - [gasps] 11 00:00:16,785 --> 00:00:19,885 Billy, thank God. Where have you been? 12 00:00:19,890 --> 00:00:21,220 - What do you mean, where have I been? 13 00:00:21,224 --> 00:00:23,764 I-I got a massage and I took a nap. 14 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,730 - When did you get a massage? - Today. 15 00:00:25,729 --> 00:00:28,029 - Okay, what’s today? - It’s Tuesday. 16 00:00:28,031 --> 00:00:30,531 - No, Billy, it’s Thursday. - What? 17 00:00:30,534 --> 00:00:32,144 - You’ve been sleeping for three days. 18 00:00:32,135 --> 00:00:34,835 - I slept for three days? - You slept for three days. 19 00:00:34,838 --> 00:00:37,338 - I slept for three days? - I was so worried about you! 20 00:00:37,340 --> 00:00:40,710 - You’re worried? I’m worried. I slept for three days! 21 00:00:40,711 --> 00:00:42,481 I’m gonna be one of those people who dies, 22 00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:44,209 and then no one comes to find you or check on you, 23 00:00:44,214 --> 00:00:45,984 until neighbors complain about the smell! 24 00:00:45,982 --> 00:00:47,852 - Not to put a point on it, but I don’t think 25 00:00:47,851 --> 00:00:49,121 the body would start to smell at three days. 26 00:00:49,119 --> 00:00:50,649 - What? - That’s--I think it would 27 00:00:50,654 --> 00:00:52,224 take at least five-- - It just happened! 28 00:00:52,222 --> 00:00:53,892 - You’re never gonna be left alone for that long. 29 00:00:53,890 --> 00:00:54,960 - I fell asleep for three days. 30 00:00:54,958 --> 00:00:56,128 No one came till just now! 31 00:00:56,126 --> 00:00:58,796 I got a massage and I took a nap! 32 00:00:58,795 --> 00:01:01,055 - Look, I know where this is going. 33 00:01:01,064 --> 00:01:03,074 I think you should move in with me and Arthur. 34 00:01:03,066 --> 00:01:04,836 - No! - I’ll shave the dogs. 35 00:01:04,835 --> 00:01:07,165 - No! Don’t shave anything. 36 00:01:07,170 --> 00:01:08,940 Ugh, I need a boyfriend. 37 00:01:08,939 --> 00:01:10,509 - But you have me and meaningless sex. 38 00:01:10,507 --> 00:01:12,107 - I know, but... [sighs] 39 00:01:12,108 --> 00:01:14,138 you have Arthur for when I’m not around. 40 00:01:14,144 --> 00:01:17,084 I need someone for my non-Julie hangout time. 41 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,450 Someone to fucking find me if I sleep for three days! 42 00:01:20,451 --> 00:01:23,191 And wake me up, and if I’m dead, 43 00:01:23,186 --> 00:01:25,416 put me in a cuter outfit if need be. 44 00:01:25,422 --> 00:01:26,992 - Okay. I get it. 45 00:01:26,990 --> 00:01:28,790 You want a boyfriend, we’ll get you a boyfriend. 46 00:01:28,792 --> 00:01:30,132 - Thank you. 47 00:01:30,126 --> 00:01:31,426 And I like that I’m not doing it 48 00:01:31,428 --> 00:01:33,058 because I’m emotionally ready. 49 00:01:33,063 --> 00:01:34,573 - Yeah, I like that too. - All right, let’s--let’s-- 50 00:01:34,565 --> 00:01:36,065 - Yeah. - Go with me to get coffee 51 00:01:36,066 --> 00:01:38,066 and catch me up on everything that’s happened. 52 00:01:38,068 --> 00:01:39,168 - Okay. 53 00:01:39,169 --> 00:01:40,869 "American Comedy Story" got cancelled. 54 00:01:40,871 --> 00:01:43,271 - What? But Keegan made such a good Sinbad. 55 00:01:43,273 --> 00:01:45,683 - I know. - Oh, fucking crowds! 56 00:01:45,676 --> 00:01:47,606 - [sighs] - Is the pope back in town? 57 00:01:47,611 --> 00:01:49,311 She just can’t stay away, can she? 58 00:01:49,312 --> 00:01:51,012 - Ugh, you know, I find if you just shove people, 59 00:01:51,014 --> 00:01:52,884 they never know that it’s intentional. 60 00:01:52,883 --> 00:01:54,653 - Let’s go this way. Here. 61 00:01:54,651 --> 00:01:57,091 Barricade. All this construction. 62 00:01:57,087 --> 00:01:59,787 Fucking condos--how many condos does one city need? 63 00:01:59,790 --> 00:02:01,160 - I know, right? 64 00:02:01,157 --> 00:02:02,627 Sometimes I think we should move somewhere, 65 00:02:02,626 --> 00:02:04,796 like Boston or San Francisco. 66 00:02:04,795 --> 00:02:06,695 [laughter] 67 00:02:06,697 --> 00:02:08,567 - Thank you so much 68 00:02:08,565 --> 00:02:10,265 for empowering this young woman today. 69 00:02:10,266 --> 00:02:11,966 - Thank you so much. Thank you. 70 00:02:11,968 --> 00:02:13,568 Thank you! - Huh? 71 00:02:13,570 --> 00:02:15,270 - We need more escorts like you 72 00:02:15,271 --> 00:02:16,811 who won’t let any crowd get in the way 73 00:02:16,807 --> 00:02:18,477 of reproductive freedom. 74 00:02:18,475 --> 00:02:20,835 Safe and Legal women’s clinic thanks you. 75 00:02:20,844 --> 00:02:22,754 - Huh? - Come on in. 76 00:02:22,746 --> 00:02:24,346 - We have a whole room full of baked goods 77 00:02:24,347 --> 00:02:25,777 just for volunteers. 78 00:02:25,782 --> 00:02:28,252 I know it’s a little early for a brownie. 79 00:02:28,251 --> 00:02:29,521 - Huh? 80 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:33,220 [driving punk rock music] 81 00:02:33,223 --> 00:02:34,833 - Well, as far as swag bags go, 82 00:02:34,825 --> 00:02:36,525 this abortion clinic has the right idea. 83 00:02:36,527 --> 00:02:38,397 This is $45 pomade. 84 00:02:38,395 --> 00:02:40,455 - I hope they give these gift bags to their patients too. 85 00:02:40,464 --> 00:02:42,674 I feel like if you leave a little something behind, 86 00:02:42,666 --> 00:02:44,296 you should take something home, like... 87 00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:46,170 "Leave a penny, take a penny," you know? 88 00:02:46,169 --> 00:02:48,469 - I like doing good, especially when it’s by accident. 89 00:02:48,472 --> 00:02:51,212 And you know what else: I bet charity people don’t die alone. 90 00:02:51,207 --> 00:02:53,277 - Mr. Nathan Lane! 91 00:02:53,276 --> 00:02:54,906 - Oh, I love him. - Oh, he’s a star. 92 00:02:54,911 --> 00:02:56,211 It goes without saying. 93 00:02:56,212 --> 00:02:57,782 - What charity are you playing for? 94 00:02:57,781 --> 00:02:59,321 - Well, I’m playing for 95 00:02:59,315 --> 00:03:01,545 God’s Love We Deliver in New York City! 96 00:03:01,552 --> 00:03:03,992 - We should totally volunteer there sometime. 97 00:03:03,987 --> 00:03:05,717 - Oh, we should do that! 98 00:03:05,722 --> 00:03:07,462 Sometime. 99 00:03:07,458 --> 00:03:09,888 - Charity’s, like, a really important part of being famous. 100 00:03:09,893 --> 00:03:12,503 - Oh, yeah, I mean, who needs a movie or TV show 101 00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:13,926 when you have a cause? [sniffs] 102 00:03:13,930 --> 00:03:15,600 This pomade smells like shit. 103 00:03:15,599 --> 00:03:17,199 - What if we invented a charity? 104 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,100 - Like Dan Savage did with It Gets Better. 105 00:03:19,102 --> 00:03:21,042 I think he invented that with his hot husband. 106 00:03:21,037 --> 00:03:22,667 Maybe if I invent a charity, I’ll get 107 00:03:22,673 --> 00:03:24,113 a hot husband-- maybe his. 108 00:03:24,107 --> 00:03:25,907 - That is a brilliant example 109 00:03:25,909 --> 00:03:28,139 because Billy, he has a fucking TV show now. 110 00:03:28,144 --> 00:03:30,814 And yes, many gay lives were spared in the process. 111 00:03:30,814 --> 00:03:32,354 I don’t know how many, you know-- 112 00:03:32,348 --> 00:03:34,418 - Well, we’d have to ask... both: Kevin Spacey. 113 00:03:34,418 --> 00:03:35,718 - Sure. - Yeah. 114 00:03:35,719 --> 00:03:37,489 - Our cause should be sad, but not too sad. 115 00:03:37,488 --> 00:03:40,018 - Yeah, like, it needs to have something fun 116 00:03:40,023 --> 00:03:41,533 people can do with it. 117 00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:43,725 You know, like Ice Bucket Challenge or something. 118 00:03:43,727 --> 00:03:45,297 - That’s it. That is brilliant. 119 00:03:45,295 --> 00:03:48,025 We need to do our version of the Ice Bucket Challenge. 120 00:03:48,031 --> 00:03:50,131 We can tag celebrities! - Yes! 121 00:03:50,133 --> 00:03:52,973 - Slam your bare breast in a refrigerator door. 122 00:03:52,969 --> 00:03:56,309 I’m tagging you, Regina King! Ow! 123 00:03:56,306 --> 00:03:58,436 - Scotch tape your wrists together and pick up 124 00:03:58,442 --> 00:04:00,782 a slice of ham with your teeth. 125 00:04:00,777 --> 00:04:02,777 [playful music] 126 00:04:02,779 --> 00:04:06,019 I nominate you, Barbra Streisand. 127 00:04:06,016 --> 00:04:08,846 - Put your foot in a hot toaster, William H. Macy! 128 00:04:08,852 --> 00:04:10,622 - Stand in a bathtub and hit yourself 129 00:04:10,621 --> 00:04:11,861 with a frying pan. 130 00:04:11,855 --> 00:04:14,055 Don’t let us down, Don Henley! 131 00:04:14,057 --> 00:04:17,427 - Make out with a garbage can, Tea Leoni. 132 00:04:17,428 --> 00:04:18,758 ♪ ♪ 133 00:04:18,762 --> 00:04:20,332 [sighs] 134 00:04:20,330 --> 00:04:22,170 I am exhausted. 135 00:04:22,165 --> 00:04:25,065 And we still don’t have a cause or a cute video idea. 136 00:04:25,068 --> 00:04:26,698 - But we do have the desire to get famous 137 00:04:26,703 --> 00:04:28,373 and a husband by helping people, 138 00:04:28,371 --> 00:04:30,311 and that’s what it’s all about. 139 00:04:30,306 --> 00:04:32,036 - Well, the hokey pokey is what it’s all about, 140 00:04:32,042 --> 00:04:34,042 but I don’t have time to get into that right now. 141 00:04:34,044 --> 00:04:35,684 I have a date night with Arthur. 142 00:04:35,679 --> 00:04:38,749 Speaking of charity, I let him pick the movie once a year. 143 00:04:38,749 --> 00:04:40,979 - Honestly, that is so generous. 144 00:04:40,984 --> 00:04:42,324 If I have a fictional husband, 145 00:04:42,318 --> 00:04:44,288 I would never let him pick the movie. 146 00:04:44,287 --> 00:04:46,617 And he’s gonna find me dead one day. 147 00:04:46,623 --> 00:04:48,323 [upbeat music] 148 00:04:48,324 --> 00:04:50,934 - Jesus Christ, Arthur. I know it’s date night, 149 00:04:50,927 --> 00:04:52,657 I know you’re allowed to choose the movie, 150 00:04:52,663 --> 00:04:54,163 but this place? Really? 151 00:04:54,164 --> 00:04:56,034 I fucking hate this place. 152 00:04:56,032 --> 00:04:59,542 These stupid armrests are like the size of breadsticks. 153 00:04:59,536 --> 00:05:02,066 I can’t fit my arms on these things. 154 00:05:02,072 --> 00:05:04,412 I need space. - Oh, well, speaking of space-- 155 00:05:04,408 --> 00:05:06,938 - No, I’m not moving into that apartment, okay? 156 00:05:06,943 --> 00:05:08,883 I can’t live near Central Park. 157 00:05:08,879 --> 00:05:09,979 I’m too punk rock. 158 00:05:09,980 --> 00:05:11,180 - Says the woman who’s seen 159 00:05:11,181 --> 00:05:12,721 Barbara Eden in concert four times. 160 00:05:12,716 --> 00:05:14,486 - You never know what you’re gonna get with her! 161 00:05:14,485 --> 00:05:16,615 - It’s more space, it’s dog-friendly, 162 00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,290 and rent-controlled. 163 00:05:18,288 --> 00:05:20,058 This apartment becoming available has been 164 00:05:20,056 --> 00:05:21,926 the only upside to Gwen Ifill suddenly 165 00:05:21,925 --> 00:05:23,325 and mysteriously fleeing the country. 166 00:05:23,326 --> 00:05:25,526 - Arthur, I’m at a revival house, okay? 167 00:05:25,529 --> 00:05:28,029 This is the extent of my sacrifice for you. 168 00:05:28,031 --> 00:05:29,501 - Okay, how about this? 169 00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:31,500 You don’t have to do any moving yourself. 170 00:05:31,502 --> 00:05:34,912 And I’ll let you get a third dog. 171 00:05:34,905 --> 00:05:37,405 - Third dog, two cats, and the animals get the second bedroom. 172 00:05:37,408 --> 00:05:39,038 You’re not allowed to go in there. 173 00:05:39,042 --> 00:05:41,282 - The co-op board interview is this Saturday. 174 00:05:41,277 --> 00:05:42,547 - Fine. 175 00:05:42,546 --> 00:05:44,876 - Thank you again for this date night. 176 00:05:44,881 --> 00:05:46,681 Ah, I’ve been waiting so long to see 177 00:05:46,683 --> 00:05:50,653 "Lorenzo’s Oil" again on the big screen. 178 00:05:50,654 --> 00:05:52,694 - By the way, the answer to that word jumble 179 00:05:52,689 --> 00:05:54,889 is Ingrid Bergman! 180 00:05:55,759 --> 00:05:57,829 - Billy! You’re okay! 181 00:05:57,828 --> 00:06:00,058 - Hi. Oh. Okay. 182 00:06:00,063 --> 00:06:02,133 All right, well, hug’s too long, but... 183 00:06:02,132 --> 00:06:03,472 - Hey, we thought you quit 184 00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:04,837 when you didn’t show up for three days. 185 00:06:04,835 --> 00:06:06,135 So we hired Lola. 186 00:06:06,136 --> 00:06:07,836 - Oh, quit? No, no, no. 187 00:06:07,838 --> 00:06:10,208 I was just in a very deep sleep. 188 00:06:10,206 --> 00:06:12,036 - Yeah, like the rest of the country. 189 00:06:12,042 --> 00:06:14,912 Lola. And yeah, I’m trans. 190 00:06:14,911 --> 00:06:17,651 - Oh. Okay. 191 00:06:17,648 --> 00:06:19,218 - Oh, is it "okay"? 192 00:06:19,215 --> 00:06:21,345 Mr. Biological Essentialist? 193 00:06:21,351 --> 00:06:24,351 Do I have your cis-gendered permission to be who I am? 194 00:06:24,354 --> 00:06:26,464 And you know what else? Bush did 9/11 195 00:06:26,457 --> 00:06:28,487 and jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. 196 00:06:28,492 --> 00:06:29,932 - Well, now seems as good a time as any 197 00:06:29,926 --> 00:06:31,356 to have that conversation. 198 00:06:31,361 --> 00:06:33,261 - Yeah, I’m a trans truther, motherfucker. 199 00:06:33,263 --> 00:06:34,833 Denise tells me you’re a comedian. 200 00:06:34,831 --> 00:06:36,331 Got any jokes about me? 201 00:06:36,332 --> 00:06:38,672 - No, no, no. No, I do not. 202 00:06:38,669 --> 00:06:40,699 Please don’t protest me. I’m an ally. 203 00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:43,274 I know Jeffrey Tambor’s niece. [laughter] 204 00:06:43,273 --> 00:06:45,213 - Shit, Billy’s still alive? 205 00:06:45,208 --> 00:06:47,238 - Oh, fuck. Ah, well. 206 00:06:47,243 --> 00:06:49,413 Don’t bring around a cloud to rain on my love parade. 207 00:06:49,413 --> 00:06:51,253 Tell them the news, Denise. - You tell them. 208 00:06:51,247 --> 00:06:52,617 - No, you. - Me? Okay. 209 00:06:52,616 --> 00:06:54,886 Matthew’s engaged! - I’m engaged! 210 00:06:54,885 --> 00:06:56,715 - Hey! - I’m engaged! 211 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,560 - You’re getting married? Jesus fucking Christ. 212 00:06:59,556 --> 00:07:02,626 - Personally, I share Caitlyn Jenner’s views on gay marriage. 213 00:07:02,626 --> 00:07:04,856 - Like Caitlyn Jenner, I’m gonna die alone 214 00:07:04,861 --> 00:07:06,761 surrounded by old Wheaties boxes. 215 00:07:06,763 --> 00:07:09,503 I can’t take this anymore. Something’s gotta give. 216 00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:11,640 - Oh, like that Nancy Meyers movie. 217 00:07:11,635 --> 00:07:13,465 You know, that is the only truthful depiction 218 00:07:13,470 --> 00:07:15,470 of the creative process I’ve ever seen? 219 00:07:15,472 --> 00:07:17,872 - I mean, who among us has never cried over a typewriter 220 00:07:17,874 --> 00:07:21,044 in the Hamptons while wearing summer layered whites? 221 00:07:21,044 --> 00:07:22,754 - Mm. - I have to do something bold. 222 00:07:22,746 --> 00:07:24,616 I need to take risks. 223 00:07:24,615 --> 00:07:25,975 I’m gonna ask out the next person 224 00:07:25,982 --> 00:07:29,122 that comes through that door. 225 00:07:30,721 --> 00:07:33,921 Well, the next man that walks through that door. 226 00:07:35,258 --> 00:07:38,188 Well, the next gay man who comes through that door. 227 00:07:38,194 --> 00:07:42,204 Who’s hot, and, you know, my type. 228 00:07:43,734 --> 00:07:45,604 No. 229 00:07:45,602 --> 00:07:48,002 Nooo. 230 00:07:48,004 --> 00:07:49,774 Holy shit. 231 00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:51,243 It’s fate. 232 00:07:51,241 --> 00:07:53,211 Hey. Uh, sorry. 233 00:07:53,209 --> 00:07:55,109 I never do this. I’m Billy. 234 00:07:55,111 --> 00:07:56,981 Would you want to go out sometime? 235 00:07:56,980 --> 00:07:59,020 - Better make that a table for three. 236 00:07:59,015 --> 00:08:02,115 - Oh, shit, I’m sorry. - No, no, no. 237 00:08:02,118 --> 00:08:04,148 We’re not dating. 238 00:08:04,154 --> 00:08:07,064 I’m his interpreter. 239 00:08:07,057 --> 00:08:09,657 Uh, this is Doug. 240 00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:12,260 He’s deaf. 241 00:08:12,262 --> 00:08:14,502 And he says yes to dinner. 242 00:08:14,498 --> 00:08:17,698 [rock music] 243 00:08:17,701 --> 00:08:20,301 - Jesus, Mom. This place is a mess. 244 00:08:20,303 --> 00:08:22,213 I thought we had another good five years 245 00:08:22,205 --> 00:08:24,135 before we became Big and Little Edie. 246 00:08:24,140 --> 00:08:26,010 - Well, Esmerelda’s working now 247 00:08:26,009 --> 00:08:29,079 for Aunt Bonnie, that traitorous bitch. 248 00:08:29,079 --> 00:08:31,209 Now I have to find a new housekeeper. 249 00:08:31,214 --> 00:08:33,254 Got to buy a metro card, take the A line 250 00:08:33,249 --> 00:08:34,549 all the way to the end. 251 00:08:34,551 --> 00:08:35,991 - That’s how you found Esmerelda? 252 00:08:35,986 --> 00:08:38,016 - Yes, I got off at 207th street 253 00:08:38,021 --> 00:08:40,261 and then I grabbed the friendliest face I could find, 254 00:08:40,256 --> 00:08:42,256 but now with DeBlasio, who knows! 255 00:08:42,258 --> 00:08:43,828 Inwood could be all condos. 256 00:08:43,827 --> 00:08:46,497 - I’m sorry about your terrible problem, 257 00:08:46,497 --> 00:08:48,227 but Arthur and I are applying 258 00:08:48,231 --> 00:08:50,031 for a new apartment, and I need I. D. 259 00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:51,573 Do you have my birth certificate anywhere? 260 00:08:51,568 --> 00:08:53,838 - I don’t know, honey. Look in the coupon folder. 261 00:08:53,837 --> 00:08:55,907 Look at me, with my hand in the toilet, 262 00:08:55,906 --> 00:08:58,636 like some fool. 263 00:08:58,642 --> 00:09:01,342 - Oh, my God! That’s it! 264 00:09:01,344 --> 00:09:05,124 It’s visual, it’s humiliating-- it’s perfect. 265 00:09:05,115 --> 00:09:06,715 - What is perfect? 266 00:09:06,717 --> 00:09:07,877 [phone vibrating] 267 00:09:07,884 --> 00:09:09,194 - I’m gonna take this so that 268 00:09:09,185 --> 00:09:10,845 you know what you’re getting into. 269 00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:12,394 Sorry. 270 00:09:12,389 --> 00:09:14,689 Hey. - Billy! I figured it out. 271 00:09:14,691 --> 00:09:17,231 What if we got people to send in videos 272 00:09:17,227 --> 00:09:20,827 of themselves sticking one hand in the toilet? 273 00:09:20,831 --> 00:09:22,601 - Yes. But no gloves. 274 00:09:22,599 --> 00:09:25,339 - And their right hand because it’s the right thing to do. 275 00:09:25,335 --> 00:09:27,165 - I love it. - Watch out! 276 00:09:27,170 --> 00:09:28,340 The Toilet Hand Challenge 277 00:09:28,338 --> 00:09:30,638 is about to take America by storm. 278 00:09:30,641 --> 00:09:32,581 - What did I raise? 279 00:09:32,576 --> 00:09:33,736 - I’m so sorry. 280 00:09:33,744 --> 00:09:36,414 I’m like crazy into charity right now. 281 00:09:36,413 --> 00:09:38,453 So is the proper protocol 282 00:09:38,449 --> 00:09:40,419 on a first date with a deaf guy 283 00:09:40,417 --> 00:09:42,987 that I pay for you and your interpreter, 284 00:09:42,986 --> 00:09:45,686 or just... 285 00:09:46,757 --> 00:09:48,657 - You’re really funny. 286 00:09:48,659 --> 00:09:51,659 Most hot guys don’t have a good personality. 287 00:09:51,662 --> 00:09:53,902 - Well, I’d say the same thing about deaf guys, 288 00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:57,627 but you’re my first. 289 00:09:59,703 --> 00:10:01,713 - I really like you. 290 00:10:01,705 --> 00:10:05,275 - I really like you too. 291 00:10:05,275 --> 00:10:08,745 - Sorry... - I really like you too. 292 00:10:12,516 --> 00:10:14,216 So, is the best part about being deaf 293 00:10:14,217 --> 00:10:16,787 that you don’t have to hear any Lady Gaga/Tony Bennett duets? 294 00:10:16,787 --> 00:10:18,317 - Whoo! Sorry, um... 295 00:10:18,321 --> 00:10:21,731 I’m going to the bathroom. 296 00:10:23,594 --> 00:10:27,164 - You don’t read lips, right? 297 00:10:27,163 --> 00:10:29,073 No, of course not. 298 00:10:29,065 --> 00:10:31,635 That’s just a silly device they use on TV shows 299 00:10:31,635 --> 00:10:34,135 to make it easier on viewers. 300 00:10:34,137 --> 00:10:37,407 Like a character talking to himself. 301 00:10:37,408 --> 00:10:39,508 - So you got cockblocked? - Yes. 302 00:10:39,510 --> 00:10:41,510 And who knows what Mickey’s telling Doug about me. 303 00:10:41,512 --> 00:10:43,882 He could be representing me as a mediocre wit, 304 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,850 or racist, or someone who watches "Dr. Who." 305 00:10:46,850 --> 00:10:48,390 - Ugh. Okay, meanwhile, 306 00:10:48,385 --> 00:10:50,015 let’s focus on our careers. 307 00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:52,420 What are we gonna do to launch the Toilet Hand Challenge? 308 00:10:52,423 --> 00:10:54,393 - No, I don’t want to do "Kinky Boots." 309 00:10:54,391 --> 00:10:57,291 Oh, look at these beautiful Bassets. 310 00:10:57,293 --> 00:10:59,603 Hi, there. - Nathan Lane? 311 00:10:59,596 --> 00:11:01,666 - No fucking way. - Yes fucking way. 312 00:11:01,665 --> 00:11:04,365 - Oh, my God. This is it. This is a sign. 313 00:11:04,367 --> 00:11:07,797 Nathan, we are such huge fans. - Crazy huge. 314 00:11:07,804 --> 00:11:10,244 - A gay guy and his best girlfriend are huge fans. 315 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:11,480 What are the odds? 316 00:11:11,475 --> 00:11:13,405 [forced laughter] 317 00:11:13,410 --> 00:11:16,910 - Um, I have to ask you something so stupid. 318 00:11:16,913 --> 00:11:18,423 - Would you be interested 319 00:11:18,415 --> 00:11:20,545 in participating in a charity stunt 320 00:11:20,551 --> 00:11:22,951 that picks up where the Ice Bucket Challenge left off? 321 00:11:22,953 --> 00:11:25,393 - Oh, boy. Will I get to be on YouTube? 322 00:11:25,389 --> 00:11:28,219 Mama, my dreams are comin’ true! [laughter] 323 00:11:28,224 --> 00:11:29,594 And where do the profits go? 324 00:11:29,593 --> 00:11:30,793 - The-- - Home--food-- 325 00:11:30,794 --> 00:11:32,364 - Gods-- - AIDS-- 326 00:11:32,362 --> 00:11:33,702 - Deed-- - Love-- 327 00:11:33,697 --> 00:11:35,597 - The God’s delivery service. - Wait. 328 00:11:35,599 --> 00:11:37,329 God’s Love We Deliver? both: Yes! 329 00:11:37,333 --> 00:11:40,243 Oh, well that’s my charity. I just dropped off a check. 330 00:11:40,236 --> 00:11:42,166 - It’s ours too. We love God. 331 00:11:42,172 --> 00:11:44,242 - We love food delivery. 332 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,610 - Great. - So, Nathan Lane, 333 00:11:46,610 --> 00:11:49,050 will you go with us to a public restroom 334 00:11:49,045 --> 00:11:50,375 and record a video? 335 00:11:50,381 --> 00:11:51,721 - For charity? Of course I will. 336 00:11:51,715 --> 00:11:52,645 all: Yeah! 337 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,620 - So, uh, what do I say? 338 00:11:58,622 --> 00:12:00,992 - "I’m Nathan Lane"-- - Yeah, I got that part. 339 00:12:00,991 --> 00:12:02,731 - And this is for the Toilet Hand Challenge. 340 00:12:02,726 --> 00:12:04,896 - Yeah, and then you stick your right hand in the toilet. 341 00:12:04,895 --> 00:12:06,495 - Because it’s the right thing to do. 342 00:12:06,497 --> 00:12:08,427 - And after that, you challenge five of your 343 00:12:08,432 --> 00:12:10,332 most famous friends to do the same thing. 344 00:12:10,333 --> 00:12:12,343 And please aim high, okay? 345 00:12:12,335 --> 00:12:14,195 No Paul Reiser, Jesse Tyler Ferguson bullshit. 346 00:12:14,204 --> 00:12:15,444 - Oh, that’s a good point. 347 00:12:15,439 --> 00:12:17,539 - You were a lot nicer in the park. 348 00:12:17,541 --> 00:12:20,141 Um... oh, explain to me again: 349 00:12:20,143 --> 00:12:21,853 how does this make money? 350 00:12:21,845 --> 00:12:23,345 both: We told you. 351 00:12:23,346 --> 00:12:26,176 - It’s for God delivery. - It is for food. 352 00:12:26,182 --> 00:12:27,182 - [sighs] 353 00:12:27,183 --> 00:12:29,993 - And... action. 354 00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:34,315 - [sighs] 355 00:12:34,324 --> 00:12:37,434 Hello. I’m Nathan Lane. 356 00:12:37,428 --> 00:12:39,058 And--actually, cut. Cut. 357 00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,672 - Sorry, is there a problem? - Do you need a line reading? 358 00:12:41,665 --> 00:12:43,365 - No, I don’t need a fucking line reading. 359 00:12:43,366 --> 00:12:44,996 This doesn’t make any fucking sense. 360 00:12:45,001 --> 00:12:47,171 I followed two strangers into a public toilet, 361 00:12:47,170 --> 00:12:49,910 and based on personal history, that’s never worked out. 362 00:12:49,906 --> 00:12:52,606 Plus, I’m starting to feel sick, and my hand is going numb. 363 00:12:52,609 --> 00:12:54,479 - But... it’s for charity, so... 364 00:12:54,478 --> 00:12:55,908 - So maybe you should be less selfish? 365 00:12:55,912 --> 00:12:57,612 - Maybe think about the charity. - I know. 366 00:12:57,614 --> 00:12:59,384 I’ll send a check. Listen. 367 00:12:59,383 --> 00:13:00,583 You’ll have to excuse me. 368 00:13:00,584 --> 00:13:02,054 My husband is waiting for me at home. 369 00:13:02,052 --> 00:13:03,552 - What about the fact that I don’t have 370 00:13:03,554 --> 00:13:05,094 anyone at home waiting for me? - Yeah. 371 00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:06,618 - I need you to do this so that I can have someone 372 00:13:06,623 --> 00:13:07,923 at home waiting for me. 373 00:13:07,924 --> 00:13:09,664 - That’s not my problem. - That was rude. 374 00:13:09,660 --> 00:13:11,090 You shouldn’t have mentioned your husband. 375 00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:12,734 Billy doesn’t have a husband. - That was rude. 376 00:13:12,729 --> 00:13:15,029 - You people are not seeming to understand 377 00:13:15,031 --> 00:13:16,601 my point of view--I-- 378 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,600 we don’t know each other. We’re not friends. 379 00:13:18,602 --> 00:13:20,672 - It must be crazy that this isn’t about you. 380 00:13:20,671 --> 00:13:22,241 - Yeah. - That must be a shock. 381 00:13:22,238 --> 00:13:23,808 - That’s probably why you have a problem with it, 382 00:13:23,807 --> 00:13:26,007 is you’re not the star of the show. 383 00:13:26,009 --> 00:13:27,439 - Yeah, put your hand in the toilet! 384 00:13:27,444 --> 00:13:28,914 - Listen, I have to go home! 385 00:13:28,912 --> 00:13:30,452 I don’t want to put my hand in the toilet! 386 00:13:30,447 --> 00:13:32,147 You put your hands in the toilet! 387 00:13:32,148 --> 00:13:33,918 - We’re not famous enough! That’s the whole point! 388 00:13:33,917 --> 00:13:35,517 - Stick your hands in the toilet! 389 00:13:35,519 --> 00:13:37,349 - I’m not putting my hand in the toilet! 390 00:13:37,353 --> 00:13:38,723 I’m filming! - We’re not famous! 391 00:13:38,722 --> 00:13:42,162 If we were famous, then-- - Ah, fuck you! 392 00:13:42,158 --> 00:13:43,628 - What an asshole. 393 00:13:43,627 --> 00:13:46,627 - I saw "MouseHunt" in the theater, you schmuck! 394 00:13:46,630 --> 00:13:48,700 - Now Cassie, you say your OCD 395 00:13:48,699 --> 00:13:50,799 was at its worst when your husband left? 396 00:13:50,801 --> 00:13:52,441 - It got so bad I nearly scrubbed 397 00:13:52,436 --> 00:13:54,296 the surface off our tub. 398 00:13:54,304 --> 00:13:56,274 Everything needed to be in its place. 399 00:13:56,272 --> 00:13:58,072 - So you wouldn’t just clean, 400 00:13:58,074 --> 00:13:59,444 you’d organize? 401 00:13:59,443 --> 00:14:00,943 - Yes--I mean, even now, 402 00:14:00,944 --> 00:14:03,314 the slightest bit of disarray just eats away at me 403 00:14:03,313 --> 00:14:05,723 until I... fix it. 404 00:14:05,716 --> 00:14:09,086 - That sounds very painful, but I have an idea. 405 00:14:09,085 --> 00:14:12,315 Cassie, I think it would be very beneficial 406 00:14:12,322 --> 00:14:15,132 to see your obsessive-compulsive 407 00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:18,695 cleaning behavior in action. 408 00:14:18,695 --> 00:14:20,255 - And this is therapeutic? 409 00:14:20,263 --> 00:14:21,503 - Absolutely. 410 00:14:21,498 --> 00:14:23,128 Now, why don’t we move our session 411 00:14:23,133 --> 00:14:25,473 into the kitchen, and why don’t you 412 00:14:25,469 --> 00:14:28,099 give those cabinets a real once-over? 413 00:14:28,104 --> 00:14:31,214 I think you’re gonna feel a lot better. 414 00:14:31,207 --> 00:14:32,577 - Huh. 415 00:14:32,576 --> 00:14:34,406 - I agreed to go to this co-op board interview, 416 00:14:34,411 --> 00:14:36,181 but I did not agree to walk through 417 00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:37,579 Central Park to get there. 418 00:14:37,581 --> 00:14:39,581 - Oh, pollen count. It’s lovely out. 419 00:14:39,583 --> 00:14:42,753 - So what? A walk without dogs is idiotic. 420 00:14:42,753 --> 00:14:44,423 "Ooh, nature." Fuck you. 421 00:14:44,421 --> 00:14:45,861 - Okay, let’s go over a few things 422 00:14:45,856 --> 00:14:47,616 we should say and not say at this interview. 423 00:14:47,624 --> 00:14:49,994 - I could talk about my charity. - Yes, perfect, good. 424 00:14:49,993 --> 00:14:52,633 - And that documentary I saw about the adult baby 425 00:14:52,629 --> 00:14:54,429 who strangled his lover with his own diaper? 426 00:14:54,431 --> 00:14:57,131 - Oh, damn it. I knew I forgot something. 427 00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:59,373 - The lover’s safe word? It was "Ba-ba." 428 00:14:59,369 --> 00:15:01,239 Anyway, now she’s dead. - No, the wine. 429 00:15:01,237 --> 00:15:03,237 We should bring something at the interview. 430 00:15:03,239 --> 00:15:04,609 - Well, there’s a bunch of crap. 431 00:15:04,608 --> 00:15:05,878 Why don’t we just re-gift 432 00:15:05,876 --> 00:15:07,476 one of those bouquets or something? 433 00:15:07,478 --> 00:15:08,848 Why is there all this shit around 434 00:15:08,845 --> 00:15:10,605 the "Alice in Wonderland" statue, anyway? 435 00:15:10,614 --> 00:15:13,454 - Uh, this is a shrine. PBS did a "Frontline" on this. 436 00:15:13,450 --> 00:15:15,920 It’s the 150th anniversary of "Alice in Wonderland." 437 00:15:15,919 --> 00:15:17,449 - Great, we’ll take some of these flowers. 438 00:15:17,454 --> 00:15:18,864 - Oh, uh... [chuckles]. 439 00:15:18,855 --> 00:15:20,415 Bell sleeve, I don’t think you can-- 440 00:15:20,424 --> 00:15:22,364 - Listen, this is a shrine to a fictional character. 441 00:15:22,358 --> 00:15:23,988 This is a waste of flowers, 442 00:15:23,994 --> 00:15:26,034 and we need something for our co-op board, 443 00:15:26,029 --> 00:15:27,899 and besides, that Tim Burton movie was stupid. 444 00:15:27,898 --> 00:15:30,368 Helena Bonham Carter’s lips were way too small. 445 00:15:30,366 --> 00:15:34,166 Lips too small, performance way too big. 446 00:15:34,170 --> 00:15:35,510 This hurts no one. 447 00:15:35,506 --> 00:15:37,636 - O... kay. 448 00:15:40,477 --> 00:15:41,977 - Ah! - Oh, oh! 449 00:15:41,978 --> 00:15:43,648 God, are you okay? 450 00:15:43,647 --> 00:15:45,317 - What the hell were you thinking? 451 00:15:45,315 --> 00:15:48,485 You’re under arrest for destruction of public property. 452 00:15:48,485 --> 00:15:50,485 - Yeah, that makes sense. 453 00:15:54,924 --> 00:15:56,694 - I can’t believe with everything I’ve done 454 00:15:56,691 --> 00:15:58,061 in Central Park, you’re the one that gets arrested. 455 00:15:58,059 --> 00:15:59,989 What was the worst part? - When they weighed me. 456 00:15:59,994 --> 00:16:01,864 But the judge was really nice. He gave me a choice 457 00:16:01,863 --> 00:16:04,103 between community service and jail time. 458 00:16:04,098 --> 00:16:06,798 - Mm, must be real nice to be white. 459 00:16:06,801 --> 00:16:09,701 - So I chose service. I’m gonna teach inmates. 460 00:16:09,704 --> 00:16:11,044 I can’t have a prison record 461 00:16:11,039 --> 00:16:12,639 if we’re gonna get that apartment. 462 00:16:12,641 --> 00:16:13,811 - Right. - And besides, 463 00:16:13,808 --> 00:16:15,478 Arthur pulled all those strings 464 00:16:15,477 --> 00:16:16,977 to get us another interview. 465 00:16:16,978 --> 00:16:19,308 I don’t want to let him down. 466 00:16:19,313 --> 00:16:21,553 In this particular way. 467 00:16:21,550 --> 00:16:23,520 For a second time. 468 00:16:23,518 --> 00:16:25,048 In the same week. 469 00:16:25,053 --> 00:16:27,363 - Matthew, Elmer, it’s time to pick food 470 00:16:27,355 --> 00:16:29,485 for your engagement party-- 471 00:16:29,491 --> 00:16:31,031 would you look at these two? 472 00:16:31,025 --> 00:16:33,395 Hey, save some for your wedding night, 473 00:16:33,395 --> 00:16:34,955 you crazy kids! 474 00:16:34,963 --> 00:16:36,603 All right, now here you go. 475 00:16:36,598 --> 00:16:40,438 - Daddy, we’re going to gum food for our engagement party. 476 00:16:40,435 --> 00:16:42,935 - The first airplane goes "zoom, 477 00:16:42,937 --> 00:16:45,037 zoom"! 478 00:16:45,039 --> 00:16:46,339 - Mm! 479 00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:48,480 - And now the second airplane! 480 00:16:48,477 --> 00:16:50,777 Z--z-z-z... 481 00:16:50,779 --> 00:16:52,609 Mm! - Yum, yum, yum, yum. 482 00:16:52,614 --> 00:16:54,784 - Third airplane goes right-- 483 00:16:54,783 --> 00:16:56,283 - Into the Pentagon? 484 00:16:56,284 --> 00:16:58,554 I don’t think so, bitches. That was a missile. 485 00:16:58,553 --> 00:17:00,463 And Tower Seven was brought down by a bomb. 486 00:17:00,455 --> 00:17:03,655 Crack a book, sheeple. 487 00:17:07,095 --> 00:17:09,025 - Doug. Sorry for just coming over. 488 00:17:09,030 --> 00:17:12,770 I know that’s a little creepy. 489 00:17:16,638 --> 00:17:18,368 WOMAN: This app says what I write. 490 00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:19,912 And writes what you say. 491 00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:22,308 I’m glad you found me, Billy. 492 00:17:22,310 --> 00:17:24,210 - Oh, wow. 493 00:17:24,212 --> 00:17:25,912 This is really cool. 494 00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:28,324 Although it might put Mickey out of a job. 495 00:17:28,316 --> 00:17:30,586 Speaking of, I’m a little concerned that 496 00:17:30,585 --> 00:17:32,215 Mickey doesn’t always tell you 497 00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:33,990 everything that I say, 498 00:17:33,988 --> 00:17:38,188 and I really want you to like me. 499 00:17:38,192 --> 00:17:40,162 WOMAN: Let’s not talk about Mickey. 500 00:17:40,161 --> 00:17:42,631 Now can I do something I’ve been wanting to do 501 00:17:42,631 --> 00:17:45,331 since I met you? 502 00:17:45,333 --> 00:17:46,503 - Yeah. 503 00:17:46,501 --> 00:17:47,771 WOMAN: Suck my fat cock. 504 00:17:47,769 --> 00:17:50,709 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! No! No! No. 505 00:17:50,705 --> 00:17:52,505 WOMAN: Choke on it, thirsty boy. 506 00:17:52,507 --> 00:17:55,437 - [laughing] 507 00:17:55,444 --> 00:17:57,514 I can’t. I can’t. 508 00:17:57,512 --> 00:17:59,052 WOMAN: What’s funny? 509 00:17:59,047 --> 00:18:01,317 - It’s been a really long time since I’ve heard 510 00:18:01,315 --> 00:18:03,145 a female voice in this type of situation. 511 00:18:03,151 --> 00:18:05,491 The whole thing’s actually very weird. 512 00:18:05,487 --> 00:18:06,957 WOMAN: So fucking sorry. 513 00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:09,115 I didn’t mean to inconvenience you. 514 00:18:09,123 --> 00:18:10,933 - I’m so sorry. Let’s do it again. 515 00:18:10,925 --> 00:18:12,725 We can do it again. 516 00:18:12,727 --> 00:18:15,157 WOMAN: My cock doesn’t need to go slumming. 517 00:18:15,163 --> 00:18:17,573 Get out of here. 518 00:18:17,566 --> 00:18:20,536 - You want me to go? 519 00:18:20,535 --> 00:18:21,995 WOMAN: Did I stutter? 520 00:18:22,003 --> 00:18:23,043 - What? 521 00:18:23,037 --> 00:18:24,337 ’Cause of your phone? 522 00:18:24,338 --> 00:18:27,908 I have to go ’cause of your phone? 523 00:18:27,909 --> 00:18:29,679 Fine, I’ll go. Fuck it. 524 00:18:29,678 --> 00:18:32,048 Fuck everyone. Fuck your fucking phone. 525 00:18:32,046 --> 00:18:35,146 Fuck Steve Jobs, and fuck Alexander Graham fucking Bell. 526 00:18:35,149 --> 00:18:36,279 I don’t care. 527 00:18:36,284 --> 00:18:37,394 [door shuts] 528 00:18:37,386 --> 00:18:41,516 - Okay. The floor is done. 529 00:18:41,523 --> 00:18:42,693 - You missed a spot. 530 00:18:42,691 --> 00:18:44,331 Well, you’ll be back Friday. 531 00:18:44,325 --> 00:18:46,725 I’m gonna get you more refills for the Swiffer too. 532 00:18:46,728 --> 00:18:48,398 - Actually, Dr. Kessler, 533 00:18:48,397 --> 00:18:50,027 I think our work here is done. 534 00:18:50,031 --> 00:18:51,531 - Excuse me? - Yeah. 535 00:18:51,533 --> 00:18:53,103 At first, I was a bit skeptical 536 00:18:53,101 --> 00:18:54,801 of your treatment of my OCD. 537 00:18:54,803 --> 00:18:57,273 It was almost like the opposite of exposure therapy. 538 00:18:57,271 --> 00:19:00,741 - That’s what it is, it’s anti-exposure therapy. 539 00:19:00,742 --> 00:19:01,812 - Well, it worked. 540 00:19:01,810 --> 00:19:03,140 I’m all cleaned-out. 541 00:19:03,144 --> 00:19:04,884 I don’t ever want to touch another broom 542 00:19:04,879 --> 00:19:07,579 or tidy up another pile of coasters ever again. 543 00:19:07,582 --> 00:19:09,322 I’m cured. 544 00:19:09,317 --> 00:19:11,647 - You can’t stop therapy cold turkey. 545 00:19:11,653 --> 00:19:14,163 There’s a 6-8 week cool down period 546 00:19:14,155 --> 00:19:16,185 that’s essential for your well-being. 547 00:19:16,190 --> 00:19:18,130 - Thank you for everything, Dr. Kessler. 548 00:19:18,126 --> 00:19:20,156 - Well, you’re-- you’re making a big mistake. 549 00:19:20,161 --> 00:19:24,301 A huge, huge-- could you iron my shirts? 550 00:19:29,137 --> 00:19:30,767 Esmerelda. 551 00:19:30,772 --> 00:19:33,012 It’s Marilyn. Hey. 552 00:19:33,007 --> 00:19:35,937 Whatever that fuck twat Bonnie is paying you, 553 00:19:35,944 --> 00:19:37,354 I’ll pay you more. 554 00:19:37,345 --> 00:19:40,345 Just barely more, but please come home now. 555 00:19:40,348 --> 00:19:42,448 [surf rock music] 556 00:19:42,451 --> 00:19:43,891 - Aw, I thought I was gonna meet 557 00:19:43,885 --> 00:19:46,145 some hardened criminals for my community service. 558 00:19:46,154 --> 00:19:48,124 - Nope. White collar criminals only. 559 00:19:48,122 --> 00:19:50,862 - Oh, well, that explains why I’ve seen at least 560 00:19:50,859 --> 00:19:52,129 three guys from Goldman Sachs that my mom 561 00:19:52,126 --> 00:19:53,426 used to try and set me up with. 562 00:19:53,428 --> 00:19:55,758 - So, this is our vocational program. 563 00:19:55,764 --> 00:19:57,134 - Right, yeah, no, they told me 564 00:19:57,131 --> 00:19:58,501 I was gonna be teaching inmates 565 00:19:58,500 --> 00:19:59,830 how to write TV recaps. 566 00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:01,474 - That’s a skill you got? Sure. 567 00:20:01,470 --> 00:20:02,870 - But just so you know, 568 00:20:02,871 --> 00:20:04,671 whether or not these are white collar criminals, 569 00:20:04,673 --> 00:20:06,213 I am gonna sit backwards in a chair 570 00:20:06,207 --> 00:20:07,837 like Michelle Pfeiffer in "Dangerous Minds." 571 00:20:07,842 --> 00:20:10,452 - Knock yourself out. - Yes! 572 00:20:10,445 --> 00:20:14,345 Remember, a recap is about the person who writes it. 573 00:20:14,348 --> 00:20:17,218 An episode of television isn’t the subject. 574 00:20:17,218 --> 00:20:18,548 You are. Yes? 575 00:20:18,553 --> 00:20:20,593 - Can I recap a show that’s cancelled, 576 00:20:20,589 --> 00:20:21,889 like "The Following"? 577 00:20:21,890 --> 00:20:23,090 - Yes, but make sure that you stick it 578 00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:24,261 to Kevin Bacon if you do, 579 00:20:24,258 --> 00:20:25,988 because he works too much lately. 580 00:20:25,994 --> 00:20:27,704 It’s not his fault-- he has to take every role 581 00:20:27,696 --> 00:20:30,626 that’s offered him since Bernie Madoff robbed him, but still. 582 00:20:30,632 --> 00:20:32,102 - Bernie’s a real pig. 583 00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:33,500 You should see him at breakfast. 584 00:20:33,502 --> 00:20:34,772 Always takes a second milk. 585 00:20:34,769 --> 00:20:36,099 Fucking prick. 586 00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:38,674 - Wait, Bernie Madoff is in this prison? 587 00:20:38,673 --> 00:20:39,743 - Yeah, he’s my cellmate. 588 00:20:39,741 --> 00:20:40,981 - Can you get me five minutes 589 00:20:40,975 --> 00:20:42,375 with Bernie Madoff near a toilet? 590 00:20:47,081 --> 00:20:49,151 - I have to say, I can’t think 591 00:20:49,150 --> 00:20:50,950 of a better couple for the building. 592 00:20:50,952 --> 00:20:53,092 All your background checks are clear. 593 00:20:53,087 --> 00:20:55,257 We just have to wait for one last board member 594 00:20:55,256 --> 00:20:56,926 to come and give his approval. 595 00:20:56,925 --> 00:20:59,485 He’s a bit under the weather-- - [coughing] 596 00:20:59,494 --> 00:21:01,864 Sorry I’m so late. 597 00:21:01,863 --> 00:21:03,303 I was just... 598 00:21:03,297 --> 00:21:04,897 Oh, my God. 599 00:21:04,899 --> 00:21:06,329 It’s you! 600 00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:08,944 The toilet lady! - I’m sorry. 601 00:21:08,937 --> 00:21:12,707 - She is not to be allowed in this building! 602 00:21:12,707 --> 00:21:14,007 You’ve heard of plague, 603 00:21:14,008 --> 00:21:16,038 pestilence, locusts? 604 00:21:16,044 --> 00:21:18,554 Well, then there’s this crazy bitch. 605 00:21:18,547 --> 00:21:21,917 By the way, they’re amputating my hand on Thursday. 606 00:21:21,916 --> 00:21:23,516 - Were you a righty or a lefty? 607 00:21:23,518 --> 00:21:25,088 - Get out of here! 608 00:21:25,086 --> 00:21:27,086 [lively rock music] 609 00:21:27,088 --> 00:21:28,658 - Everybody, everybody. 610 00:21:28,657 --> 00:21:30,087 Time for a toast. 611 00:21:30,091 --> 00:21:33,901 Marriage. It is a wonderful partnership. 612 00:21:33,895 --> 00:21:35,895 I hope you guys are as happy as we are. 613 00:21:35,897 --> 00:21:37,467 - May your love shine as bright as the sun did 614 00:21:37,466 --> 00:21:40,166 on that fair September morn when George W. Bush 615 00:21:40,168 --> 00:21:42,138 pulled off the greatest scam in American history 616 00:21:42,136 --> 00:21:43,566 since the moon landing. 617 00:21:43,572 --> 00:21:45,342 - Wait, I want to say something. 618 00:21:45,339 --> 00:21:47,509 Before I met Omer, 619 00:21:47,509 --> 00:21:50,379 I couldn’t stand the taste of foreskin. 620 00:21:50,379 --> 00:21:52,409 I-- - Okay. 621 00:21:52,414 --> 00:21:54,184 Cheers. - Oh! 622 00:21:54,182 --> 00:21:56,992 - Cheers everyone. - There was more, but okay. 623 00:21:56,985 --> 00:21:58,885 BERNIE: I’m Bernie Madoff, and I’m doing 624 00:21:58,887 --> 00:22:00,247 the Toilet Hand Challenge 625 00:22:00,254 --> 00:22:01,824 for the Kessler-Epstein foundation. 626 00:22:01,823 --> 00:22:03,763 [dunking into water] both: Ah! 627 00:22:03,758 --> 00:22:05,088 [laughter] 628 00:22:05,093 --> 00:22:06,703 - He did it! He did it! 629 00:22:06,695 --> 00:22:08,625 - This is gonna be so huge. 630 00:22:08,630 --> 00:22:10,260 We have America’s most famous villain 631 00:22:10,264 --> 00:22:11,604 representing our charity. 632 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:13,600 - As soon as we upload this to the Internet, 633 00:22:13,602 --> 00:22:15,272 you and I are gonna be so fucking famous, 634 00:22:15,269 --> 00:22:16,669 we’re gonna have to wear baseball hats 635 00:22:16,671 --> 00:22:18,041 just to get iced coffee! 636 00:22:18,039 --> 00:22:19,769 - Hey, everyone! Shh! 637 00:22:19,774 --> 00:22:22,084 PAT: Shocking news today from the entertainment world. 638 00:22:22,076 --> 00:22:24,606 Tony and Emmy-award-winning actor Nathan Lane 639 00:22:24,613 --> 00:22:26,653 has died from complications 640 00:22:26,648 --> 00:22:28,148 related to a rare disease 641 00:22:28,149 --> 00:22:31,119 humans get from touching toilet water. 642 00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:32,549 In other entertainment news, 643 00:22:32,554 --> 00:22:34,364 David Blaine is no longer a celebrity. 644 00:22:34,355 --> 00:22:36,185 - Oh, no. - No one can see that video. 645 00:22:36,190 --> 00:22:37,790 No one can see that video. - No. Never. 646 00:22:37,792 --> 00:22:39,592 - Do you understand that if people find out about this, 647 00:22:39,594 --> 00:22:41,464 we could be indicted for murdering Nathan Lane? 648 00:22:41,463 --> 00:22:43,703 - I can’t go back to prison again! 649 00:22:43,698 --> 00:22:45,368 Although, now that I think about it, on the bright side, 650 00:22:45,366 --> 00:22:47,566 maybe Bernie Madoff will die of Nathan Lane disease. 651 00:22:47,569 --> 00:22:49,899 - Oh, they won’t even name the disease after us? 652 00:22:49,904 --> 00:22:51,844 - Aw! 653 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,510 - Hi, Billy. - Hi. 654 00:22:53,508 --> 00:22:55,808 - Brought you these flowers. - Ooh, pretty deaf guy 655 00:22:55,810 --> 00:22:59,010 buys flowers at a store instead of stealing them, oh! 656 00:22:59,013 --> 00:23:00,653 - I’m not gonna interpret that for him. 657 00:23:00,649 --> 00:23:01,649 - Fair enough. 658 00:23:01,650 --> 00:23:04,020 - We wanted to say "Thank you." 659 00:23:04,018 --> 00:23:06,918 After you told me what Mickey did, 660 00:23:06,921 --> 00:23:08,721 we talked about it, and decided that 661 00:23:08,723 --> 00:23:12,093 we can’t really deny our feelings for each other. 662 00:23:12,093 --> 00:23:14,903 So thank you, and love wins. 663 00:23:14,896 --> 00:23:18,026 [laughing] 664 00:23:23,371 --> 00:23:25,311 Sorry. 665 00:23:26,808 --> 00:23:28,638 - Life is bullshit. - I know. 666 00:23:28,643 --> 00:23:30,713 My apartment’s as small as ever. 667 00:23:30,712 --> 00:23:31,952 You’re still single. 668 00:23:31,946 --> 00:23:34,046 And we killed Nathan Lane. 669 00:23:34,048 --> 00:23:36,218 - Fucking charity! 670 00:23:36,217 --> 00:23:39,417 [driving punk rock music] 671 00:23:39,421 --> 00:23:47,361 ♪ ♪