[upbeat rock music]
- So this is what a gym looks like.
- Yes, and this is right near my apartment.
Can you believe it? Honestly, if instead of showers,
they had the Hemsworth brothers just spitting at you
and calling you a dirty whore, it’d be too good to be true.
- How many gyms have you belonged to at this point?
- I’ve lost count. You know, I get a membership,
and then I hook up with a guy in the steam room,
and then we hang out, and then I realize that he’s lame,
and I ghost him, and it’s too awkward to ever go back.
- Those loser guys are keeping you from your optimal health.
- Well, some might say it’s my penchant
for anonymous sex that is to blame.
I just worry that my slutty phase has gone on so long
that I literally don’t know how to date.
- Mm. - Do you think Anne Hathaway
has this same conversation?
- You know, I have a theory that she was born without a clitoris.
- Mm. That explains "The Intern."
- Julie? Hi! - Ooh, hey, hi, Heather.
- Isn’t this gym awesome?
- Um, Billy, do you remember Heather?
She’s another recapper. - Oh, okay.
- Not anymore. Guess who just got hired
onto the writing staff of "Horse."
- Oh, "Horse." Is that that Netflix show
about the single mom who sells heroin...
- To support her trans-child’s horseback riding hobby?
- Well... - Yeah.
- Winner Best Comedy two years in a row.
- When did comedies become 30-minute dramas?
- It’s such important work. - Mm.
- I can’t tell you how good it feels to write TV
instead of just recapping it.
- And yet you just sort of did.
[both laugh] How’d you get the job?
- Oh, I met the creator, Lilith Feigenbaum, at synagogue,
and she invited me to join this group she belongs to,
and the rest is herstory.
Well, take care. - Thanks. Bye.
- Oh, and your "OC Reunion" recap was such goofy fun! Bye!
- Jesus Christ, I’m having feelings.
I want my sundae back. - Sorry, ma’am, I threw it out.
- What is this, a concentration camp?
Do you at least have any vending machines
or some complimentary popcorn?
- Just a vegan smoothie bar.
- Bloom is off the rose on this dump.
- I don’t understand.
What does Heather have that you don’t?
- A connection to Lilith Feigenbaum.
Of course they met at synagogue.
You know that that group she’s talking about is Refutz.
- Refutz. They act like it’s a secret.
Meanwhile everyone knows what it is.
- And they have their schmoozey Shabbat dinners,
and they all get each other entertainment jobs.
And it’s stupid because no one’s ever asked me to join.
- Well, we have to get you invited, then.
Go to synagogue. Pray or whatever.
- Using God and religion to get a staffing job?
I mean, can I really sink that low?
[both laugh]
- All right, look, I’m gonna go work out.
Tell me not to blow this gym by blowing any members.
- You can do it.
Tell me me not to eat my weight in Charleston Chews.
- You can do it.
[romantic flute music]
Oh, fuck.
Ohh, fuck.
♪ ♪
- Oh.
♪ ♪
[moans]
- [moans]
[chuckles]
♪ ♪
[driving punk rock music]
♪ ♪
- Oh. - Hey.
- We meet again. - I’m Billy.
- And my name’s Cecil. - That was fun.
- You know, I’d love to, uh,
go for another spin sometime if...
- Yeah, sure. Maybe.
- Why don’t I we get dressed and we’ll meet outside or...
- Okay. - All right.
- Very good.
- All right.
- Ah.
Ah.
- Oh. Much different with clothes.
- Ah, well. Sorry for the wait, chum.
Bup-bup-bup-bum. - Oh.
You’re an old-timey.
I read about you guys in the Sunday Styles section.
Guilty as charged.
May I interest you in a confection, good sir?
- Oh, wow, you really commit to this.
- Yeah. - [laughs]
Um...
Shit. - What are we doing?
Do you owe a sum? Are you a debtor?
- No, no, no, it’s just, there’s a guy I used
to work out with at my old gym, and now I can’t....
- Can’t what? - I can’t do what I always do.
Um... God, this gym is too nice not for me to give this a try.
Do you want to go to dinner tomorrow night?
- I do... very much!
- Great.
- Till then, then.
- Be well, Billy.
Up, up, and away.
And... we’re off!
- Oh, great, I just fucked Steamboat Willie.
[upbeat music]
- Medium-talent Jewish bitch.
- Thin Mint, stop yelling at yourself in the mirror.
It confuses the dogs. - It’s not me.
It’s this girl Heather I work with.
She got to quit recapping to go write for "Horse."
- "Horse"? It’s a very important show.
- Whatever. So now she writes for "Horse,"
and where does that leave me? Lonely single recapper?
- Uh, noodles, couple of flags raised--
- You know what I mean. I just want to be doing more.
I’m tired of watching everybody around me
ascend to stardom while I atrophy and wither.
- Are any of us really doing what we want, Vitamix?
I mean, just today, the Helena Rubenstein Foundation
got up my can about creating a sexy spin-off
of "Antiques Roadshow." - That’s disgusting.
Every antique dealer is a creep.
They always have that one back room full of racist
paraphernalia and Nazi shit. - Really?
- With just the right nod and wink,
those heirloom swappers will be showing you
swastika cufflinks on a mammy doll.
- Well, we are casting a wide net
to find sexy antique dealers,
but we might just have to end up hiring more trolls
to appraise sexy heirlooms.
- Oh, I see what you’re trying to do.
You’re trying to cheer me up with your little story.
- Actually thought I was sharing a real issue
that I’m trying to work through, but that’s fine.
- But it’s not working.
Lilith Feigenbaum should have met me.
I would have been the perfect Refutz candidate.
Nobody’s more Jewish than I am, Arthur.
I mean, culturally. - I’ll drink to that.
- I’m even making a Shiva Call tonight
with my mom, who guilted me into it.
- Who passed away?
- Oh, her tennis partner, Eileen Rosenstreitch.
She dropped dead on the court.
- Were they close? - They were, like, 4-4.
My mom swears they were about to win.
She’s fucking furious.
Mom, hi.
I’m so sorry for your loss. - Thank you.
Although, technically it was a tie.
We came so close to beating those fucking Sokol twins.
They’re like the Williams sisters
of the Sycamore Country Club,
except, you know, allowed to join.
Oh, Julie, you know what the saddest part was?
- Watching your friend die?
- Eileen didn’t have a will.
The estate lawyer had to donate everything to charity.
- I’m sorry, did I miss something? Why is that sad?
- It was a pro-Palestinian charity.
Eileen’s opal brooch is probably
now on the suit lapel of some Arafat.
I need a will, or this could wind up happening to me.
- So write a will. - I don’t have a lawyer.
Ever since Star Jones stopped coming to me
for her food addiction.
- Mom, you have to stop telling me who your patients are.
- You sound just like Catherine Zeta-Jones
when I tried to help her with her bipolar two.
- Ah, yes, bipolar two, the squeakuel.
- I was thinking maybe I should buy a camera.
You know that video will thing.
That’s a thing, isn’t it?
- It was in "Brewster’s Millions."
I mean, I don’t know if they still do it, but seems--
- Hello, Marilyn.
Very kind of you to pay respects.
- Indeed. Indeed. Thank you.
That was a beautiful eulogy, Rabbi.
This is my daughter, Julie.
- Julie, hello. - Hi.
Wow, eulogies, like the ultimate recap, huh?
Hey, Rabbi, have you heard of this group called Refutz?
- Of course. I have some Refutz people in my congregation.
They always come on Friday nights, but I’m not a fan.
It’s less of a spiritual group than it is for high-powered Jews
in show business to network.
- Wow, that sounds really cynical and awful.
- Mm.
- So Friday nights, then?
- I don’t see a single person from Refutz.
I swear to God, if I go to synagogue
and I don’t make a show business connection,
I’m gonna fucking kill myself with a chain saw.
- Oh, please, then you’d have to go to Home Depot.
Look, I have to go to my date soon.
- Who is this guy? - Cecil.
Although I vowed to remain as celibate as Tim Gunn,
I ended up meeting this guy in the steam room at the gym,
and then we ended up having a very lovely time
doing some very filthy things to each other.
- When Republicans are right about the things gay men do,
my heart swells.
- But, Julie, he’s an old-timey.
- What?
That’s the worst of all Brooklyn trends.
- And that’s a very high bar.
So now I have to add him to a list of guys
that I’ve hit and quit
and somehow try to find
the last remaining gym in New York City
I haven’t ruined for myself, which is probably
the Curves on Staten Island.
- What if you break up with him gracefully?
Maybe you could be friends later.
- ♪ Shabbat Shalom, hey ♪
♪ Shabbat Shalom, hey ♪
- I’m out. - Good luck breaking up.
- Thank you. I’ll need it.
- Julie, I didn’t know you went to shul.
- I’m not too cool for shul.
- How’s recapping?
- Oh, you know. Same old, same old.
You watch something. You write something about it.
25 weeks later, you get a check for $6.
- Oh, meet my friends. This is Lilith.
- Lilith Feigenbaum!
You are one of my favorite top ten female showrunners.
And since there’s only three of you,
you’re basically my top six. - Thank you.
- Anyway, Shabbat Shalom. - Shabbat Shalom.
You know, I’m just sitting here thinking about,
you know, where I’m gonna go for Shabbat dinner
after this because, um...
my mom’s best friend died... both: Aw.
- In front of her. Yeah.
So I can’t go there.
Anyway, it’s great meeting you.
Great seeing you.
- Wait, Lilith can Julie join us?
- Why not? I’m only a 20 minute walk away.
- A 20 minute what now with who’s this?
- Say, Billy, why don’t you come in for a nightcap?
- Oh, you know what, Cecil?
Uh, here’s the thing, and this is not easy
for me to say, so I prepared a little speech.
- Good evening, Mr. Jellford.
May I take your coat? - Hotchkiss, please,
my guest has something to say. - Certainly.
I’ll just put the Veuve on ice and run your bath.
- Good man. Good man.
- I’m sorry, one thing we never covered,
what do you do for a living?
- Well, I fancy acquiring and selling
little knick knacks from yesteryear,
but the majority of my money
does come from the family business.
- Which is? - Uh, Jellford?
Jellford Jelly Beans?
They’re small, bean shaped candies
with a sweet taste-- - I know what jelly beans are.
- Well, did you know it’s a billion dollar industry?
Sugar is recession-proof. Just ask my two story closet.
- Oh, really?
- Now, you had a rehearsed speech of some kind to give?
- I was just gonna say, I think it’s sexy
that you dress like someone who could can still
get the Measles.
Way before Jenny McCarthy was even born!
- How’re you feeling, Julie?
Have you cooled off a bit since we got inside?
- [exhales sharply] Yes, thank you.
I just... remind me why we walk again?
- It’s part of our Unplugged tradition
that we love to do every Shabbat at Refutz.
- Refutz? What’s that?
I’m intrigued!
- Well, from Friday at sundown
to Saturday at sundown,
we put our cell phones away,
we turn off our TVs,
we walk instead of drive.
And, I have to tell you, it has made me
a much better writer.
- How does unplugging make you a better writer?
- We just like to interact with people face-to-face.
Listen, why don’t you give it 24 hours?
What have you got to lose? - Well, I got to say,
usually this would be something I make fun of,
like Robin Wright’s sleepwear line,
or the notion of having a core, but...
why not? I’ll try it.
- And on Saturday we get back together and have another meal
where we discuss all the ideas we’ve been thinking about
while we were offline. Who wants to host this week?
- Oh, oh, let me! My boyfriend’s a great cook.
- You have a boyfriend?
[upbeat music]
- I don’t understand, though.
Who turns the lights on and off?
Who turns on the television?
- Arthur. He’s my Shabbos Goy!
- I certainly am, kiddush cup.
- You remember that from Hebrew School?
The ultimate loophole.
If you need something plugged in on Shabbos,
as long as the person isn’t Jewish, you’re home free.
- So he just does anything you ask?
Sure, watch. Arthur, check my Twitter.
- Oh, this’ll be fun.
Oh, noodles, the Wi-Fi’s still not working.
- Just hop on the neighbor’s. I use it all the time.
There’s no password. It’s, um...
“HitlerHadSomeGoodIdeas." All one word, lowercase.
- Stealing a Neo-Nazi’s Wi-Fi is the ultimate way
to stick it to Hitler!
- Ah, speed round, someone on Twitter says,
"I had a theory you were born without a clitoris.
"Eat a bag of"--Well, it doesn’t matter what he said.
Tell you what, since I’m in charge of the Internet,
why don’t I filter out any of the toxins
that might adversely affect your mood.
- Great. - Wow. This is the best.
He does all that, you just sit here quietly on the couch,
nursing your creative genius. - I know, right?
Arthur, Google my name only read me glowing praise.
Scrolling, scrolling.
[upbeat music]
- “Congratulations.
"You are now the owner of the Fonda 5000,
"the exclusive camera used by the Netflix series,
"’Grace & Frankie.’
"Sony, in collaboration with Chevrolet,
"have partnered to give a woman the best gift of all:
"her youngest self.
Step one: preparing the lenses."
Okay.
[doorbell rings]
[knock at door]
- Hi, I’m Tina Fey. - And?
- Uh, I’m Tina Fey, writer and actor.
"SNL," "30 Rock,"
"Mean Girls,"-- - What do you want, dear?
Well, I know you said no to the six production assistants
that I sent to ask, but I’m directing an episode
of "The Blacklist," which is a dream come true,
of my agent’s and so I really need James Spader
to cry on the steps of your brownstone.
- Okay, I have no idea what any of that means,
but did you say you direct?
- Yeah, actually I didn’t realize that I was a director
until this opportunity came up, ’cause, you know,
back in Chicago-- - Bap bap bap bap.
A simple "yes" would have done the trick.
Director.
Do me a small favor, Trina?
- Tina. - Tina. Tina. Tina.
- The human name, Tina. Yes.
- I wonder if you can do me a small favor, Tina,
I wonder if you can help me shoot my video will.
- Oh, I’m sorry, we have a really full day.
You know, James Spader wears a 75 piece suit
and I have to approve every piece.
So, I can’t help. - Isn’t that something?
So, you want to use my steps, but you don’t want
to help a woman who, as spry and self-lubricating as she is,
needs to videotape her will so she can drop dead
at any moment?
- Wait, is that a Fonda 5000?
- Yes, why? Do you know it?
- Uh, yeah, of course I know it.
I’m kind of a gearhead. Wow, any chance you’d let me
fool around with it? - Absolutely.
Can I get you coffee? Or day wine?
- Day wine! both: Yes!
- I hate this dress, it’s so itchy.
- Lightbulb, I thought you were allergic to wool?
- It’s Eileen Fisher, it’s just for one day,
all those people wear stuff like this.
It’ll be fine.
- I appreciate you coming with me to the grocery store.
I can’t believe I forgot Gefilte Fish?
I’m such a fucking asshole.
- Facebook refresh. - Okay...
Oh, 27 new comments on your profile photo.
- Excuse me.
Is your internet in this building slow
as is mine slow?
- Nope, ours runs as smoothly as the trains in Europe
in the thirties. - I see.
Enjoy your Sabbath holiday.
- Don’t care for him.
- Did you see that Hasidic man before?
- Yes, it’s so hot. - What a curiosity.
[both laugh]
- Simply fantastic. Right in here.
[Roy Orbison’s "Pretty Woman" playing]
ROY: ♪ Pretty woman, walkin’ down the street ♪
- Get the sleeve, Bastian. Too long. Make it too long.
At least an 1 1/4 inch. Enjoying your shine?
ROY: ♪ Pretty woman, the kind I’d like to meet ♪
- I am, thank you. - You’re very, very welcome.
ROY: ♪ Pretty woman, I don’t believe you ♪
♪ You’re not the truth ♪ - Pow.
ROY: ♪ No one could look as good as you ♪
- No. - Yes.
- [both laughing]
- [humming, laughing] ROY: ♪ Oh, oh, pretty woman ♪
- Mannequin Leg, come join us. We’re ready to eat.
- Yeah, let’s share some of the ideas we come up
with when we were unplugged.
- Where do I start? I have so many.
This Unplugging thing really works.
Okay, listen to some of these.
"Glee," but with dogs.
A "Botched" spinoff where Dr. Terry Dubrow’s
leather jacket becomes sentient and solves crimes.
"American Horror Story:
We Promise We Thought It Through This Time."
"CSI: Provincetown,"
and there’s, like, a lot of piss play.
A workplace comedy about lesbian bed death.
And something with Annette Bening.
[cell phone vibrating] - Oh, funnel, text from Billy.
He says good luck with the Refutzers,
and he has to go to a horrible party
with Cecil and his old timey friends.
- Now there is a show.
My best friend is dating this old-timey guy.
Runs around on a pogo stick
and his family invented jelly beans.
- [scoffs] You comedy people kill me.
Your ideas aren’t grounded.
That sounds like it’s a sketch, not a show.
- No, Cecil’s a real human person.
I mean, I’d show you a picture of his dick
from my cell phone. Billy forwards them.
It’s good to have a library.
- Well, that wouldn’t prove anything.
- How about after dinner we go meet Cecil?
- Sounds like a plan! - All right.
- L’chaim. all: L’chaim.
- To my daughter, Julie, I leave you my wedding dress.
- Cut. - What?
- As I once said to Wes Anderson,
"I love what you’re doing, but I feel like
I’ve seen it before."
Actually, I said that to a photo of Wes Anderson
that I keep in a little, heart-shaped locket.
God, Tina, stop talking.
- I don’t know what you mean. Just direct me more.
- Okay. Why are you leaving
your daughter a wedding dress?
Because she’ll never marry that alcoholic
she lives with and she’ll never fit into the dress.
- Yes! Keep going! I like this.
Okay, now we’re writing from truth.
We’re like those copywriters who came up with
the ad campaign for Dove soap that cured sexism.
Tell me Marilyn, why...
are you making this will?
- Because I don’t want my stuff
to go to a charity I don’t like.
- Spite? Okay. Well, then, here’s a pitch:
What if we don’t think of these things
that you’re giving away as “items?"
What if we think of them as “spite-ems.”
- Oh, that’s good. That’s good.
I like you. What is your name again?
- Tina Fey.
- I literally have never heard of you.
[jazz music]
♪ ♪
- Billy, my boy, how’s your hard tack?
- I’m doing the best I can with it.
- Top shelf. Now, could I familiarize you
with some of my circle of chums?
- Mm-hmm. - That ye there is Smitty.
He has a large collection of wooden roller skates.
Orville here plays ukulele.
He also mixed his own lead paint.
- Oh, dear. - And Jeffy...
you’re gonna love this very much.
Jeffy will always wear two hats at once.
- Oh, here’s a toe-tapper you might know.
It’s called "May I Sleep In Your Barn Tonight, Mister?"
[ukulele plays]
[kazoo and ukulele playing] - Oh, Jesus.
♪ ♪
Cecil, I need to talk to you.
- Sure, anything, gent.
- Uh, here’s the thing.
You’re a great guy, and I’m doing my best
to try and start dating like an--
[cell phone rings] Fuck!
Give me one second. What?
- Billy, it’s Julie by way of Arthur.
- Tell him to stay at the party.
- Don’t leave the party, we’re coming.
- Wait, wait! No, no! I’m currently breaking up
with Cecil gracefully. - You are?
- I just think that maybe we don’t have
a lot in common, you know?
Maybe if we take things more slowly.
- Yeah, I mean, I would do that.
- No, no, wait. I always do this
and then I say, we’ll take things more slowly
and then I don’t really want to
and then I have to avoid you at the gym
and then I have to join another gym.
But not this time.
Not this gym.
There’s three kinds of water.
There’s--There’s plain and lemon and cucu...
[whimpers] Cucumber.
You’re great. You’re like the cat’s pajamas,
but I think I have to 23 Skidoo.
- You’re a class act, Epstein.
All the way, but, please, stay for the party, would you?
The punchbowl has heroin in it.
- And we’re cool? - Oh, as a Julep.
- Okay, cut. Wow.
First of all, I love directing!
- And directing loves you. You’re so good.
- Second of all, Marilyn, resentment is bursting
out of your pores. Which, by the way,
are invisible, because holy shit,
this camera is not fucking around!
- Thank you, sweetheart! Are we done?
- Actually, there’s just one other thing
I kind of wanted to throw at you
before we close out the day. - Anything. I’m clay.
- What if... this wasn’t a will at all?
Stay with me.
What if you give away your “spite-ems” now,
while you’re alive, to see the reactions
of the people you want to hurt?
- That is brilliant!
You’re not going anywhere until I sign
that location release for your show.
Didn’t you want someone I’ve never heard of
to cry on my front steps?
- More than anything, Marilyn. - Call me mom.
- No, you call me mom. - [chuckles]
- Oh, my God, Julie. You were right.
This definitely could be a show.
- I know, right? I told you.
- Okay, Monday morning
you and I are gonna go pitch to Netflix,
and I’m gonna change your life. - Oh, my God, are you serious?
- Julie, I broke up with Cecil. - Hey.
I did it gracefully. - Oh, I’m proud of you.
- I am officially an ex-trophy wife.
I’m like Camille Grammer without IBS.
- Is that our neighbor over there?
- Where? Oh, yeah. What’s he doing here?
- What’s wrong, timestamp?
You’ve been doing that all night.
- Oh, it’s this Eileen Fisher dress.
I’m allergic to the wool
and it’s doing nothing for my waist.
- Sorry, Cecil, could you tell me
where the bathroom is? - Uh, which one?
’Cause I have 17 bathrooms. You know why?
It’s ’cause my parents invented jelly beans.
Fuck you.
- We’re gonna have to make his character
more likeable on the show.
- No, really, Julie, you have to see this place.
It’s ridiculous. - Oh, yes, want to take a tour?
Cecil, do you mind?
- I-I don’t mind.
Uh... foll--follow me.
Follow me.
[drum roll]
- What the fuck?
- I knew all you antique dealers were sick creeps!
- Noodles, just like you said.
- Well, hold on now, you gave me the wink.
- I have allergies. - Ohh.
- And you, "Hitler Had Some Good Ideas."
- How do you know my Wi-Fi network?
- We were stealing it, Goebbels.
- That is unethical!
- Well, everyone,
color my face egg color,
there’s been a misunderstanding.
Kathy Griffin, love your work.
Billy, I hope to see you at the gym sometime soon.
- Uh, actually no.
And also fuck breaking up gracefully
and fuck you, you tincture making,
derby hat-wearing, jellybean inventing,
penny , steam room-blowing,
Nazi stuff selling piece of shit.
- Billy, that was beautiful.
I’ve never high-fived in my life, but I feel like
I should at least make an effort for that.
- I high-fived once and it was ironic.
Let’s do this.
[camera shutter clicks] - Shot.
[cell phone whooshes] And texted
to entire Refutz group.
I’m gonna make sure you never write for television.
[scoffs] Recapper trash.
- Not our most graceful goodbye.
[upbeat music]
- You know what I learned from this Unplugging experiment?
- That the Curves in Staten Island does not
have a men’s locker room?
- That, and I need to take a 24 hour period
each week to un-face.
I interact with too many actual people as it is.
I need a day where I’m just around screens.
- Yeah, fuck the real world.
- Screens never hurt anybody.
- Screens make our lives better.
[car honking] - Hooray for screens!
[tires screech, metal crashes]
[horn honking] MAN: Fuck you!
JULIE: Everybody is gay according to "TMZ."
BILLY: Oh, that’s good.
[White Reaper’s "Half Bad" playing]
WOMAN: ♪ Thought it’d be easy ♪
♪ Thought they didn’t know ♪
♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Another way out ♪
♪ Found on the way home ♪
♪Thought you were living fast ♪
♪ But you were living slow ♪
♪ ♪