1 00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:03,404 Mmm. 2 00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,406 I love show business. 3 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:08,309 Do bankers or doctors get a breakfast tent? 4 00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:09,477 No. Suckers. 5 00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,112 This croissant is heaven. 6 00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:12,146 Right? 7 00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:13,281 Hey, this is craft services 8 00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:15,316 for the cast and crew of The Good Wif only. 9 00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:17,017 We're both. 10 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:18,386 He's a grip, and I'm playing a judge. 11 00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:20,154 Oh, God-- oh, come on. 12 00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:21,255 Guys... 13 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,456 This is what it's come to-- 14 00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:24,258 stealing food from Julianna Margulies. 15 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,260 Yeah, well, How else am I supposed to feed myself? 16 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,561 It's Christmas rerun season. 17 00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,397 I don't have any recap money until January 18 00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,165 when The Bachelor starts up again. 19 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,500 I know, and my tips are crap. 20 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,068 The cafe is dead. 21 00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,303 I'm worried I'm not gonna be able 22 00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:36,537 to pay the band for our show. 23 00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,306 I know. We have to figure something out. 24 00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:40,208 Think I'm gonna get some money from my brother. 25 00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:42,610 Gary's wife went to Israel, because of course she did, 26 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:45,246 so now they're gonna pay me to pick up their awkward daughter 27 00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,415 and take her to her Latin tutor a few times a week. 28 00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:49,450 Well, why should gentiles be the only ones 29 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,585 roped into Christmas family bullshit? 30 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,254 [men shouting] 31 00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:55,189 Why are there still so many drunk Santas around? 32 00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:56,590 Isn't Santa kind of a one-day thing? 33 00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:58,392 It was. 34 00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:00,328 They made it a week so that New York could fleece 35 00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:02,596 bar crawlers for even more of their dirt bag money. 36 00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,265 Fucking de Blasio. 37 00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,066 I know, right? Fuck him. 38 00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:07,101 I like his wife. 39 00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,236 - She's cool. - Yeah. 40 00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:09,370 [man grunts] 41 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,139 - Asshole! - What the fuck? 42 00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:13,674 Why can't things be easier for us, you know? 43 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,244 Why do we have to be miserable all the time? 44 00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:17,478 I know. 45 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,280 What will it take for us to experience joy 46 00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:21,215 during this, the most magical time of the year? 47 00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:24,685 [laughter] 48 00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:27,688 [driving punk rock music] 49 00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:29,123 * 50 00:01:32,226 --> 00:01:33,661 It's okay, Matthew. 51 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:36,430 You can't ruin my favorite tradition with one mistake. 52 00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,666 I thought that Secret Santa meant I tell a secret 53 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,534 to the person who's name I picked. 54 00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:43,103 Which is why you now know about all the things 55 00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:45,373 I'd like to do on J.K. Simmons. 56 00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,107 I sure do. 57 00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,143 Baby, you want to reveal who's Secret Santa you are? 58 00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:50,378 - It was Billy. - Oh, yeah. 59 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,112 I figured, once I unwrapped my gift 60 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,114 and saw that it was an old In Touch Weekly 61 00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:55,549 with your hair salon's address on it. 62 00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,151 You love all that celebrity shit. 63 00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:58,352 Just say "Thank you." God. 64 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,221 Thank you! 65 00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,656 Only 25 things I didn't know about Melissa Gorga 66 00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:04,458 can save this day. 67 00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,360 [gasps] Oh, and look-- 68 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:09,263 Celebrity gay dads. how cute. 69 00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:11,131 Oh, yeah, "Neil Patrick Harris, Ricky Martin, 70 00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:12,433 "Perez Hilton, and Dennis O'Hare 71 00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:14,402 "take their little kiddos 72 00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:17,538 to My Dancing Divas dance studio in Tribeca." 73 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,273 Oh, I love Dennis O'Hare. 74 00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:21,141 A sentence I didn't expect to hear from you. 75 00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:22,376 He's in that new Marvel movie. 76 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:23,511 Yeah, the Bryan Singer one. 77 00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:25,279 Bryan Singer-- another gay dad. 78 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,315 Boy, these gay dads have a lot of high-profile gigs. 79 00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:28,549 Oh, yeah. It's the gay dad mafia. 80 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,351 I mean, that dance school 81 00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,486 is the center of show business in New York right now. 82 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:33,687 Well, you can practically smell 83 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,589 Alan Cumming looking for a surrogate. 84 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,591 Honey, why don't you close up? 85 00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,593 Matty and I are gonna go hat shopping, 86 00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:40,761 just to be whimsical. 87 00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,330 Yeah, and I'll get the tree. 88 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:44,164 - Okay. - Billy, you can come with. 89 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,566 Oh, actually, I was gonna see if you guys 90 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,401 wanted me to work an extra shift tomorrow. 91 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:50,170 Uh, look around, Billy Magoo. Restaurant is dead. 92 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,372 Come on, Matty. 93 00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:53,207 Oh, hey, Billy, if you need some money, 94 00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:54,475 have you thought about a career in the entertainment industry? 95 00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,310 Shut up, Matthew. 96 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:57,445 No, no, no--I hear The Mysteries of Laura is hiring. 97 00:02:57,545 --> 00:02:58,579 Oh, really? 98 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,281 Maybe one of their mysteries can be 99 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:01,349 "Why don't cute pants come in Billy's size?" 100 00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:03,251 You know what, Matthew? 101 00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:04,518 I'm starting to think maybe Kirk Cameron is right. 102 00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,186 About what? 103 00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:07,455 About the fact that you're too gay. 104 00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,357 I'm sorry about the shift tomorrow. 105 00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:10,724 It's all right. I have to pick up my stupid niece anyway. 106 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,360 I think I have an idea though. 107 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:14,328 Who the fuck are you talking to, Billy? 108 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:18,232 [ Deck the Halls playing] 109 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:19,633 Ah, there you are. 110 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:22,503 Would you object to my fucking some rich guys for money? 111 00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,204 Now hear me out-- 112 00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:26,206 not yucky prostitution like in Leaving Las Vegas; 113 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,741 adorable prostitution like in Pretty Woman. 114 00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:30,744 Doodles, my parents are here, remember. 115 00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:32,780 (both) Happy Holidays, Julie. 116 00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,350 Ace, Bunny... 117 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,452 - Is it Christmas already? - Yeah. 118 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,388 Seems like you guys were just here. 119 00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,356 Sometimes I feel like it's always Christmas, 120 00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:43,424 and you're always here. 121 00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:44,492 [laughter] 122 00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,226 Julie, we were just saying, 123 00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:49,497 you must join us on our next Connecticut vacation. 124 00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:53,367 Well, last year, we caught a marlin off our schooner... 125 00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:54,602 [laughter] 126 00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,236 with a badminton net. 127 00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:57,271 [laughter] 128 00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:58,639 That's true. 129 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,508 Rubber plant, my parents were just saying 130 00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:02,610 that while they're here they're going to renew 131 00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,578 their wedding vows at the Yale club. 132 00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,380 Oh, that's sweet. 133 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,482 But isn't that a little sentimental for you guys? 134 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,551 Well, the vows are plain and factual. 135 00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,586 We don't want to be rude. 136 00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,254 So how's your Hanukkah, Julie? 137 00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:15,756 What? Oh, Hanukkah. 138 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,791 Yes, thank you for asking. It's okay. 139 00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:20,260 I have a show coming up, which I'm excited for, 140 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,662 and I'm a little stressed out 141 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,797 because I'm short on cash, so, trying to... 142 00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:26,434 [both humming, muttering] 143 00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:28,268 Figure that out. 144 00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,538 What's wrong with your parents? Are they having seizures? 145 00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:32,272 Hair Ribbon, you know that my parents 146 00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:34,408 can't tolerate any talk of money or feelings. 147 00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:37,511 But I have none of one and so many of the other. 148 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,347 Can you ask your mother? 149 00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:41,482 Yeah, if I want to be emotionally blackmailed. 150 00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:43,851 Last week she took me grocery shopping, 151 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,719 and now I have to pay it back to her 152 00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,855 by tagging along while she buys herself more clothes. 153 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:50,791 Yes, well, if your family had a motto for its coat of arms, 154 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,526 it would be "Quid pro quo." 155 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,395 Yes, and the coat would be from Loehmann's. 156 00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,296 - Julie? - Yes. 157 00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:57,831 Do you want to hear an embarrassing story about Arthur? 158 00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,700 Sure. 159 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,702 One time he ordered... 160 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,471 a Malbec! 161 00:05:03,571 --> 00:05:05,706 [laughter] 162 00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,448 So thanks again for the loan, 163 00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:16,450 and I'm sorry I had to ask for money two times in one month-- 164 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,352 It is a lot of money, Julie. 165 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:19,853 Are you in some kind of trouble? 166 00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:21,589 No, I told you, 167 00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,457 Billy and I have a big show at The Cutting Room, 168 00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:24,925 and we have to hire a full band. 169 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,727 Musicians are not like comedians. 170 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,662 You actually have to pay them. They have a skill. 171 00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:30,598 Can you bring this to the register, please, 172 00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:31,865 in my size in every color? 173 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:32,933 Okay. 174 00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,568 Do you have a dress for the show? 175 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:35,836 Let me get this for you. 176 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,772 Owning one pretty dress won't kill you. 177 00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:40,340 Why are you burning through money 178 00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:41,942 like it's a California forest? 179 00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,711 It's Christmas, Julie. 180 00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:45,345 It's suicide season. 181 00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:46,880 AKA ka-ching city. 182 00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,349 All right, I don't want to be coarse, 183 00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:51,719 but it is that time of year when everybody gets down 184 00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:53,487 and then they want to kill themselves. 185 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,489 Well, could you blame them? 186 00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,691 Think of all the time they're spending with their families. 187 00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:59,427 So I'm inspired by Uber, 188 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:01,629 and I've begun peak surge pricing. 189 00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:03,531 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 190 00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:05,499 And you have no guilt about that? 191 00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:07,535 About being available for my patients 192 00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:08,969 when they need phone sessions? 193 00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:10,538 No. I'm helping. 194 00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:12,773 I'm just helping at a higher rate. 195 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,374 Okay. I got to go. 196 00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:15,676 I have to go downtown and rehearse. 197 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:18,612 We have barely spent any time with one another. 198 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:19,847 All right, how about tomorrow? 199 00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:21,649 Would you stop by the book club? 200 00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,684 With all due respect, I'm not really interested 201 00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:26,454 in Phyllis Gopnik's take on Gone Girl. 202 00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:29,723 Fine, then I guess I'll see you the next time you need money. 203 00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:32,426 Mom, that's not fair. 204 00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:34,562 Look, I'm sorry I'm not successful 205 00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:38,532 yet in my field of choice, but I appreciate your help. 206 00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,534 Not enough to spend time with me. 207 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,836 I can't do this anymore. 208 00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:45,673 [cell phone chimes] 209 00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:46,940 I'll get a job. 210 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,542 Hello, Richard. 211 00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,878 This is a fine time for a phone session. 212 00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:53,814 It is 2.7 times higher than my normal rate though. 213 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:54,815 Is that okay? 214 00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,821 Uncle Billy, why are we here? This isn't Latin class. 215 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:03,156 Tal, listen to me. Latin will not make you cooler. 216 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,692 This is a better option. 217 00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:07,961 Look around. There are A-list gay dads everywhere. 218 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,964 So because you believe there's a gay dad mafia, 219 00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:13,834 I have to pretend to be your daughter and take a dance class. 220 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,503 Yes, for my career. 221 00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,571 If I skip Latin, I'd have to lie to my dad. 222 00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:18,972 That's even cooler. Come on, let's go. 223 00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,841 I'm gonna sign you up. 224 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,613 [laughter] 225 00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:26,947 I'll do this for you 226 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:28,682 if you help me get a makeover. 227 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:29,817 A makeover? 228 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:31,585 Who taught you about gay men? 229 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:33,654 We're not all invested in making women look better. 230 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:35,889 I don't care. I want spa services. 231 00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:39,527 My sister's always the one getting felt up at bar mitzvahs. 232 00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:41,529 I'm sick of being the smart one. 233 00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,964 Mm, well, for what it's worth, we don't call you the smart one. 234 00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:44,965 Please? 235 00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:46,667 All right, fine. 236 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,669 Maybe after class we can start with an eyebrow wax 237 00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:49,737 as a point of entry. 238 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,805 I'm gonna call Julie. 239 00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:53,541 Hi. Sorry to bother you, 240 00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:54,908 but my niece needs to get an eyebrow wax 241 00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,510 so that I can join the gay mafia. 242 00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:58,211 I could give you the name of my salon, 243 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,247 but I don't think they wax children's eyebrows. 244 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,618 Uh, listen, hey, I got to go. 245 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:08,589 I've never said this before, but I'm at work. 246 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,625 Do these pants have any paraffins in them? 247 00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:13,994 You know, they're linking those to autism now. 248 00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:16,564 Ooh! You don't look autistic to me. 249 00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:18,732 What face am I making? 250 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,734 I don't have to tip you, right? 251 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,671 I only have 100s until my au pair gets back from Balducci's. 252 00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:25,806 My roommate in college used to do-- 253 00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:28,742 not prostitution, but, like, she's dress up 254 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,978 and guys would, like, jerk off in front of her-- 255 00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:32,713 Oh. 256 00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:34,582 Anyway, she'd find clients in Balducci's. 257 00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:35,716 Isn't that funny? Like, walking around the aisles. 258 00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:36,917 This is taking longer 259 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,752 than getting a good table at Le Bernardin. 260 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,253 [laughs] Good one. 261 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,556 You like movies? 262 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:43,857 You ever see Capturing the Friedmans? 263 00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,726 Let me tell you about it. 264 00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:46,927 There's this guy in Great Neck, 265 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,295 and he used to teach computer classes-- 266 00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:51,765 Can you wrap while you're doing this? 267 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,834 I guess so. 268 00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,569 * There was this family 269 00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:56,970 * They were the Friedmans 270 00:08:57,070 --> 00:09:00,273 * Everybody wanted to go and meet them * 271 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,876 * Arnold taught a computer class * 272 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,945 * But everybody didn't know * 273 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,880 That he was a child molester. 274 00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,716 Julie, this is not working out. 275 00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:11,018 Come on, no. I really need this job. 276 00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:13,654 I need a gift wrap girl who doesn't need to summarize 277 00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,956 the plot of a documentary about a child molester. 278 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,025 An alleged child molester! I told you that. 279 00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:19,760 Arnold definitely did it. 280 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,029 Jesse's probably not-- 281 00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:24,031 fuck, are you serious? 282 00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:26,299 [rock music] 283 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,035 * 284 00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:30,771 I'm sorry, all of our dance classes are booked solid 285 00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:32,606 with a three-year waiting list. 286 00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,043 It's just that... 287 00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:37,711 things have been really hard on us 288 00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:40,013 since my lover got deported to, um... 289 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,917 To Boko Haram. 290 00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,853 I'm sorry, did you say you were looking for a dance class? 291 00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,120 Mm-hmm. 292 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,022 Gail, can't we make room for-- 293 00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,590 what's your name, dear? 294 00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:52,325 Oh--Billy Epstein, SAG-AFTRA. 295 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:56,797 Tal, and I miss my dad's lover Carlos so much. 296 00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,966 He wanted me to dance. 297 00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:00,868 If they're with you, Doug, 298 00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:01,902 she's in. 299 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,804 They are. 300 00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,639 Welcome to Dancing Diva, kiddo. 301 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,675 She's adorable. So did you adopt? 302 00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:09,376 Oh, God, no. I used a surrogate. 303 00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:10,678 Real skinny one too. I said, 304 00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:13,681 "Get me the skinniest woman you have. I want to ruin her body." 305 00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:15,683 But Kiera Knightley wanted to have her own child. 306 00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:16,784 Selfish bitch. 307 00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:20,688 Look, my daughter scam is already paying off. 308 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,089 First day in the class, she meets a kid 309 00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:23,824 with a connection to Ryan Murphy. 310 00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:25,693 And get this--after American Horror Story, 311 00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:27,795 he's doing American Comedy Story. 312 00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:29,096 Of course that's his next move. 313 00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:30,831 God bless Ryan Murphy. 314 00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,733 Jessica Lange is playing Phyllis Diller. 315 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,034 Thank God. 316 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,703 And I'm gonna play Howie Mandel. 317 00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:37,738 My God, that sounds worse than Freak Show. 318 00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:39,039 You have to be on it. 319 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,974 I'm gonna have Tal put me on tape, 320 00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:42,409 then she's gonna give the tape to the casting director 321 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,744 who's gonna give it to Ryan Murphy. 322 00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,112 How's your job? 323 00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:47,748 Well, today I learned how to make an origami swastika, 324 00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,649 just to jazz up my gift wrap game. 325 00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:50,918 Oh, that's nice. 326 00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:52,786 - And then I was fired. - What? 327 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,054 How do you deal with your day job? 328 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,989 I mean, you hate people as much as I do. 329 00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,891 I mean, you know, beats working in an office. 330 00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,727 You're gonna have to eat shit no matter what. 331 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:00,961 Just--it's about figuring out 332 00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,095 what type of shit you want to eat. 333 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,663 But eating shit sucks. 334 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,198 Only dogs like eating shit, 335 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,868 and that's a bad example, because dogs are the best. 336 00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:09,136 I'm not saying that you have to live 337 00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:10,738 in an apartment as small as mine. 338 00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:12,072 I'm just saying that, you know, 339 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,974 you could probably stand to save a little money. 340 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:16,209 Even the band has a second job. They sell Molly. 341 00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:18,011 By the way, Ted, you owe me some change. 342 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,012 [upbeat rock music] 343 00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:23,951 * 344 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,953 Oh, hey. Did you give that girl my audition? 345 00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:28,088 I didn't sit through eight takes of you trying to blow up 346 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,757 a surgical glove with your nose for nothing. 347 00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:32,459 Excuse me, that was hilarious. It was worth it. 348 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,461 Okay. Good news-- Gideon Patrick Harris 349 00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:36,429 had some bad edamame this afternoon, 350 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,065 and now she can't stop puking. 351 00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:39,767 Oh, that is good news. 352 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:41,969 No, the good part is, I get to fill in 353 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:43,871 as the lead role in tomorrow night's recital. 354 00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:45,438 Wow. That's amazing. 355 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,907 I'm sorry. I wish I could come. 356 00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:48,909 I have my Cutting Room show with Julie. 357 00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:51,812 If you can't take me, then I can't go. 358 00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:53,814 I have to have an adult sign me in. 359 00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:55,749 My dad doesn't know anything about this. 360 00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:57,450 I don't know what to tell you, Tal. 361 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,252 I have a show with Julie. You know, it's important. 362 00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:01,121 It's my career. 363 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,756 [sniffles] 364 00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:04,457 What are you doing? 365 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:07,460 Excuse me, are you crying? Please don't cry here. 366 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,196 What if someone sees me? You're gonna embarrass me. 367 00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:12,265 Tal, stop making this about you. 368 00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:14,201 I hope you can live with yourself. 369 00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:15,769 Excuse me? 370 00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:16,937 I love living with myself. 371 00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:18,071 I'm a very good roommate. 372 00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:19,272 I refuse to feel bad about this. 373 00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,041 This is my career, Tal. 374 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:22,742 Stop crying, or those eyelash extensions I bought you 375 00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,511 are gonna fall off-- oh, my phone. 376 00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,914 I can't believe they're letting Tal dance Gideon's part. 377 00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:28,215 She's so weird. 378 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,183 (girl) She probably won't even show up anyway. 379 00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:31,484 (girl) God, I hope not. 380 00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:37,757 - We're home. - Yoo-hoo. 381 00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,092 Don't mess up my piles. 382 00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:40,093 What are you doing? 383 00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,494 Since I lost my job, 384 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,096 I'm downsizing some creature comforts 385 00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:44,497 based on Billy's suggestion, 386 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,199 so I'm selling some of my stuff on eBay. 387 00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,001 But this is my stuff. 388 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,269 Oh, actually, that sweater on top--that's mine. 389 00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:50,838 Oh, Reginald, don't be rude. 390 00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:52,840 Who's Reginald? I thought you were Ace. 391 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,507 Yes, well, my father goes by Ace, 392 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,277 but he was born Reginald to his father Talbot, 393 00:12:57,377 --> 00:13:00,313 whose first name was Cappy, but Trip, for short. 394 00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,082 [laughs] WASPs. 395 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:03,851 Where are you guys coming from? 396 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:05,518 We had a run-through of our ceremony. 397 00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,054 Read her the vows. 398 00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:09,322 Well, let's see. 399 00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:12,192 Bunny, you have been my wife for 40 years. 400 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:17,030 Today we are renewing our vows at the Yale Club. 401 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,532 We are married again, still. 402 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,301 Great job, Dad. 403 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:23,837 I'm moved. 404 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,205 40 years. 405 00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:33,881 Oh. 406 00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,148 - Another? - Ah. 407 00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:40,020 More eggs. 408 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,154 [slurping] 409 00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,289 And gin. 410 00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:43,891 Sure thing, Santa. 411 00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:49,262 Something wrong? Ten words or less. 412 00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,564 No. Well... 413 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,233 Shit. 414 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:56,303 I have a 12-year-old niece that I take to this dance class, 415 00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:58,305 and she got the lead in her recital, 416 00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:01,174 but the recital is the same night as my show with Julie. 417 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,944 So now she can't do the recital because I have to do my show. 418 00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,946 All of a sudden there were tears, 419 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:09,049 and there's crying-- I don't need this shit. 420 00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:11,051 I didn't even know you had a family. 421 00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:12,986 But now I feel sad. 422 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:14,621 Yeah, that's guilt, stupid. 423 00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,589 Is it too late to fix it, or are you gonna screw it up 424 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,158 the way you screw everything else up? 425 00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:20,327 I could change my plans, but what about my show? 426 00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:22,029 What about your show? 427 00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:23,863 You know, the only person I ever see you with 428 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,332 is that ginger witch. 429 00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,200 You see me every day, and I don't even like you. 430 00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:29,102 If you don't fix things with your niece, 431 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:32,072 you're gonna end up alone like that guy... 432 00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:33,340 in, like, three weeks. 433 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,108 (Santa) * Mama's little baby called 434 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,244 * Santa, Santa 435 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,948 * Mama's little Santa like eggs and gin * 436 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,988 Hey, I have some big news. 437 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:50,924 Me too: I'm still broke. I can't hold a day job. 438 00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:52,325 I can't keep taking money from my mother 439 00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,161 because I'm sick of being told what to do. 440 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:56,964 The only thing keeping me from completely losing my shit 441 00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:58,131 is this show. 442 00:14:58,231 --> 00:14:59,266 Okay, your turn. 443 00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:01,034 I can't do the show tonight. 444 00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:05,205 You're telling me that 445 00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:06,573 you can't do our show tonight-- 446 00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,241 the one that's in six hours. 447 00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,310 The one that I wrapped presents to pay for? 448 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,079 I know. Please don't jump off a bridge. 449 00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:13,346 Boy, it really is suicide season. 450 00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:15,215 A bridge? Honestly, I'd probably use pills. 451 00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:17,084 Really? 452 00:15:17,184 --> 00:15:19,186 I always thought the belt and a chair was the way to go. 453 00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:21,088 Yeah, but then they'd say you were jerking off. 454 00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:23,123 Yeah, but then they could say, "He died as he lived." 455 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,325 Billy! This show is a big deal. Why are you doing this to me? 456 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,127 You know, I made Tal take that dance class, 457 00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:28,595 and now I have to go to her recital. 458 00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:31,031 You know Tal. She's us at that age. 459 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,365 She has a lifetime of cyber bullying 460 00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:34,134 and Saturday nights alone ahead of her. 461 00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:35,935 This might be her one big night. 462 00:15:37,204 --> 00:15:38,605 Fine. 463 00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:40,107 We'll cancel the show. 464 00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:41,941 I don't have anything to wear to it anyway. 465 00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,243 I sold most of my clothes on Craigslist. 466 00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:45,078 Oh... you're using Craigslist 467 00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,047 for something other than anonymous sex? 468 00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:48,615 I know. 469 00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,717 This time of year really shows you how low you can sink. 470 00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,986 [jangly rock music] 471 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,388 * 472 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,390 [crunching] 473 00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:59,359 I thought The Good Wife was better than this. 474 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,095 Say what you will about equity partner Alicia Florrick; 475 00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:03,963 She's an awfully good wife. 476 00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:04,998 You can say that again. 477 00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:06,366 [doorbell rings] 478 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,702 That Peter Florrick, though, he's a bad husband. 479 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,404 Mom? 480 00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:13,440 Don't worry, I took a Claritin because of the dogs, 481 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,675 and I have a taxi waiting because of the neighborhood. 482 00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:16,676 Look. 483 00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:18,678 I bought you that dress. 484 00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,280 Oh, no, no, no-- I can't accept that. 485 00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:22,382 Stop it. I don't want anything in return. 486 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,384 I just want you to look pretty for your show. 487 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,119 Oh, thank you, Mom. 488 00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:27,987 That's very sweet, but it doesn't matter, 489 00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:29,356 because there is no show anymore. 490 00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:30,390 Billy backed out. 491 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,259 Oh, no. Is he okay? 492 00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:34,361 He must feel terrible. 493 00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:35,728 Is that a loofah? 494 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,197 You should not exfoliate. 495 00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:38,998 You know you have irritable skin. 496 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,000 No, Mom, it's not skin care. 497 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,403 It's dinner. I'm trying to save money. 498 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:44,771 Oh, Julie. 499 00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:46,773 You know that I think that Arthur 500 00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:50,677 is a perfectly sweet man for a functioning alcoholic, 501 00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:53,012 but have you ever considered marrying somebody 502 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,781 that doesn't work for public television? 503 00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:57,284 Then all your money worries would be over. 504 00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:59,386 No, Mom, if I marry a rich husband, 505 00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:02,155 he's just gonna expect the same things that you do from me, 506 00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:03,423 I just also have to sleep with him. 507 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,292 What do I expect of you? 508 00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:08,161 Listen, as long as I continue to take money from you, 509 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,063 I have to let you tell me what to do 510 00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:13,166 and give me passive-aggressive advice about who I should be, 511 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,468 and I'm sick of it. I'm not doing it anymore. 512 00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,104 I have news for you, Julie: 513 00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:18,705 even if you didn't take a cent from me, 514 00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,307 I'm still gonna give you advice, 515 00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:25,044 because that's who I am and that's what I do 516 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,446 because I'm your mother. 517 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:30,283 So I can't escape the shackles of our dynamic 518 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,319 even if I do pay my own way? 519 00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:35,088 Well, I wouldn't say-- is that The Good Wife? 520 00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,723 Wait a minute. I think I'm on to something. 521 00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:39,159 I painted myself into a corner. 522 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,161 If I can't marry rich, 523 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:43,163 take your money, or tolerate a day job, 524 00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:46,466 I have no choice but to earn a living in comedy. 525 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,335 How can you see that screen with all that dust? 526 00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,203 And you know what? 527 00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,472 I'm gonna do that show tonight, with or without Billy. 528 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,242 Julie, that's you on television. 529 00:17:55,342 --> 00:17:56,476 You're asking for $3 million... 530 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,311 Oh, my God. 531 00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,213 It's a sign. 532 00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:01,748 (man) Good luck with that. 533 00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:04,751 [rock music] 534 00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:08,555 * 535 00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:10,323 [knocking on door] 536 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,858 Get in the cab. I'm saving Christmas. 537 00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:14,794 I'm not doing it. I don't want to end up 538 00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:16,329 some drunk Santa at a Santa Con 539 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,165 singing his own lyrics to Shortnin' Bread. 540 00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:19,532 Let's go. 541 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,368 Hey, Dad! There's been a Latin emergency, 542 00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:23,803 and Uncle Billy's taking us to the city! Bye! 543 00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:25,738 Come on, and you better be good at this recital. 544 00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,307 If you miss any steps, 545 00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:29,209 I'm telling everyone you're not my daughter. 546 00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:30,777 I don't want any stupid Abigail Breslin 547 00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:34,781 Little Miss Sunshine bullshit. 548 00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:36,416 You used the word "trapped." 549 00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:39,186 Could you speak about that some more? 550 00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:40,487 I'm here. 551 00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:42,389 Yes. 552 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:45,158 No, I've been listening to everything you've said. 553 00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:49,229 I just think that the repetition would be beneficial for you. 554 00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:51,231 (man) Ma'am, we're at The Cutting Room. 555 00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:53,800 My daughter's show doesn't start for another ten minutes. 556 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,335 Go around the block another time. 557 00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:58,205 I'm saving lives and making money. 558 00:18:58,305 --> 00:19:00,507 Hello? 559 00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:02,875 Well, your father sounds like a monster. 560 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,377 I mean, your mother. 561 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,279 (Julie) Thanks for coming out tonight, guys. 562 00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:08,147 This last thing was gonna be a duet, 563 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,250 but Christmas is full of surprises. 564 00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:15,188 * Abandoned on Christmas 565 00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:18,425 * Is a right of passage 566 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:22,529 * Neglected, dejected 567 00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:26,799 * You're left out again 568 00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:29,302 * 569 00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:32,805 * I know it's basic to be bitter on Christmas * 570 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:36,809 * But I don't need a holiday to flex my bitterness * 571 00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:39,812 * What's really basic is to be bitter * 572 00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:42,349 * Just once a year 573 00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:45,418 * 574 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:48,555 * I know it's lame to a bitch about Christmas * 575 00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:53,393 * But consider all the minutes that I've spent perfecting it * 576 00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:55,828 * Why should bitter take a holiday? * 577 00:19:55,928 --> 00:20:00,967 * My bitterness is a year-round policy * 578 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:04,437 * Like being lonely on Valentine's Day * 579 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:09,276 * Or dressing up like a slut for Halloween * 580 00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:12,845 * I do that shit all year round * 581 00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:16,916 * So don't micromanage when I can be mean * 582 00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:20,887 * Bitter as a flavor is great by design * 583 00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:24,924 * Sour grapes make for the best kind of wine * 584 00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,859 * Bitter is better than most things * 585 00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,595 * Like being naive 586 00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:30,597 * Remember the high expectations * 587 00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:33,566 * You had last New Year's Eve * 588 00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:36,369 * I know it's basic to be bitter on Christmas * 589 00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:38,271 (Julie) Oh, my mom never even came to the show. 590 00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:39,539 She was surge pricing her patients 591 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:41,007 in an Uber that was surge pricing her. 592 00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:42,875 Sounds about right. 593 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:45,312 I can't believe I've never been to your apartment before. 594 00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:48,014 Well, it's not exactly set up for entertaining guests. 595 00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:50,016 It's not exactly set up for standing. 596 00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:52,018 [laughs] 597 00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:54,487 I know you're in your mid 30s, but I just want to say, 598 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:55,955 I'm sorry your mom cut you off. 599 00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:58,358 Thank you, but I'm not gonna make a whole thing 600 00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:00,627 whining about it like some privileged white girl 601 00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:02,529 writing from experience. 602 00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:04,030 And I'm sorry I missed our show. 603 00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:05,898 It's okay. You had to be there for Tal. 604 00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:08,000 I always thought that if I showed up for a family member 605 00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,669 when I said I was going to, that's the best way 606 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,638 to keep them out of the entertainment industry. 607 00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:13,506 Well, there's no kinder gesture than that. 608 00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,942 And I guess I see myself in her, in some weird way. 609 00:21:16,042 --> 00:21:18,578 I was even more awkward than she was when I was that age. 610 00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:20,046 I guess I thought if I showed up for her 611 00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:21,914 she might actually be okay. 612 00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:23,650 Please don't tell me that this Christmas ends 613 00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:25,352 with your heart growing three sizes. 614 00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:26,619 Fuck that. 615 00:21:26,719 --> 00:21:28,388 - That bitch stole my part. - What? 616 00:21:28,488 --> 00:21:29,656 - Did I not tell you this? - No. 617 00:21:29,756 --> 00:21:32,392 She submitted herself to Ryan Murphy. 618 00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:34,060 Not my tape--herself. 619 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:37,497 And she got cast as one of Paula Poundstone's kids. 620 00:21:37,597 --> 00:21:39,332 Holy shit. 621 00:21:39,432 --> 00:21:40,500 That's a good part. 622 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,402 I showed up for her 623 00:21:42,502 --> 00:21:45,438 when I said I was going to, and she's still one of us. 624 00:21:45,538 --> 00:21:47,574 God, I love show business. 625 00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:49,376 You know, I have a feeling that this year 626 00:21:49,476 --> 00:21:50,977 is gonna be easier for us. 627 00:21:51,077 --> 00:21:53,346 Yeah? I wonder what we're gonna complain about. 628 00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:54,947 I have no idea. 629 00:21:55,047 --> 00:21:56,749 That's so exciting. 630 00:21:56,849 --> 00:21:57,984 Merry Christmas, Jules. 631 00:21:58,084 --> 00:21:59,952 Merry Christmas, Billy. 632 00:22:00,052 --> 00:22:01,954 Hey! 633 00:22:02,054 --> 00:22:04,424 I broke in last night and slept in your bathtub. 634 00:22:04,524 --> 00:22:05,658 What the fuck? 635 00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:06,993 Happy Hanukkah. 636 00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:16,469 * 637 00:22:16,569 --> 00:22:18,605 * Oh 638 00:22:18,705 --> 00:22:21,374 * Thought it'd be easy 639 00:22:21,474 --> 00:22:23,776 * Thought they didn't know 640 00:22:23,876 --> 00:22:27,113 * You thought it was the only way to go * 641 00:22:27,213 --> 00:22:28,981 * 642 00:22:29,081 --> 00:22:31,518 * Another way out 643 00:22:31,618 --> 00:22:34,120 * Found on the way home 644 00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:35,588 * Thought you were living fast 645 00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:38,124 * But you were living slow 646 00:22:38,224 --> 00:22:46,098 *