1 00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:04,138 When you were growing up in Queens, 2 00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:05,406 did you ever think that you'd be the bartender 3 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:06,474 on Watch What Happens Live? 4 00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:08,109 Oh, please. 5 00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:09,377 Any gay guy who can get themselves to the studio 6 00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:10,544 is gonna get a turn. 7 00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:11,579 No, come on. It's a big deal. 8 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,214 I'm excited for you. 9 00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:14,582 (Andy) Hey! Billy, right? 10 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,084 (Billy) Andy, how are you? 11 00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:17,485 Thank you so much for this. 12 00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:19,187 This is so awesome. 13 00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:20,421 I'm Julie. I write Housewives Recap. 14 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,156 I know exactly who you are. 15 00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:24,024 Listen, our second guest, 16 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,426 the one who's legitimately famous, 17 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,028 found out that you were here and asked that you leave. 18 00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:29,297 Actually, it was more of 19 00:00:29,397 --> 00:00:31,432 a "him or me" kind of situation, but-- 20 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,134 - Are you kidding? - No. 21 00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:35,069 - Who is it? - Chelsea Handler. 22 00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:36,637 - Why does she hate you? - I don't know. 23 00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:38,439 I think I tweeted the other day something like, 24 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,241 "What would I rather see less: Chelsea Handler's nipples 25 00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:42,042 or her Netflix talk show?" 26 00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:43,277 It's a joke! 27 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,412 I think I used to make fun of After Lately 28 00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:45,479 when it premiered. 29 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:47,047 When was that, like, 2011? 30 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,316 The same year you called me 31 00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:50,318 "an organ-grinding monkey in Gucci" 32 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,186 at the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion? 33 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,088 Yeah, it was Ralph Lauren, 34 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,056 and I felt pretty that day. 35 00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,057 So I guess me subbing in for Billy 36 00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:58,058 is out of the question? 37 00:00:58,159 --> 00:00:59,193 Not gonna happen. 38 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:01,061 And, actually, we would love it 39 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,330 if you could leave now, because I don't want you 40 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,064 running into her in the hallway. 41 00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,266 What are you gonna do for a bartender? 42 00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,235 Uh, we'll get a robot. 43 00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:10,238 [driving punk rock music] 44 00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,506 * 45 00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:13,507 [door opens] 46 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,209 You're back early. 47 00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:17,345 - I was banned from Bravo! - Congratulations. 48 00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:18,479 It's Chelsea Handler's fault. 49 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,114 (Billy) No, it's my fault too. 50 00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,649 I need to stop being mean to celebrities. 51 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,684 Every time I talk shit about a famous person, 52 00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:25,353 I lose a potential gig. 53 00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:27,621 Talking shit about celebrities is what we do, okay? 54 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:29,323 It's the only thing that comes more naturally to us 55 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,192 than breathing air. 56 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,626 I know, but maybe it's time to pull a Perez Hilton. 57 00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:34,528 Pose in a Speedo with a baby in the bathtub? 58 00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:37,198 No, I mean stop being mean to celebrities. 59 00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:38,499 Just as it's starting to pay off? 60 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,368 Chelsea Handler knows who you are now. 61 00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:43,171 Maybe it's just a question of picking your feuds 62 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:44,672 as your star rises. 63 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,440 I'm hungry. Are you hungry? 64 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,641 Arthur, is there dinner? 65 00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:49,177 No, I'm sorry, noodles. 66 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:50,344 I was just far too spent when I go home. 67 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:51,345 Would you like pizza? 68 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,480 I guess. 69 00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:53,714 Arthur, are you okay? 70 00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,716 Yes, thank you, Billy. 71 00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:57,518 And I'm sorry I didn't get up to greet you when you came in. 72 00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,387 It's just pledge drive week at PBS, 73 00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,355 and it is even crazier than last year-- 74 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,257 Oh, my God, I just got invited 75 00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:06,126 to The Simpsons Live at Town Hall afterparty. 76 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,695 (Billy) Oh, I didn't get that invitation, 77 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,663 probably because I'm mean to everyone. 78 00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:11,699 I bet I said something provocative about Yeardley Smith 79 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,501 on Instagram at some point. 80 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:15,303 Is it "Yard-ley" or "Yeard-ley?" 81 00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:16,537 I don't know. 82 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,172 And an invitation will always be redundant, 83 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:19,740 because you will always be my plus one. 84 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,175 Well, thank you. 85 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:22,676 What am I, flaked sandwich meat? 86 00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:25,145 And as far as the whole being nice to celebrities thing, 87 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:26,480 I'm not in favor of it, 88 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:28,682 particularly because Chrissy Teigen just weighed in 89 00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:30,318 on the Greek elections. 90 00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:31,452 Oh, well, she doesn't have 91 00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:32,453 quite the shrewd political mind 92 00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:33,687 of a Naya Rivera. 93 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,389 No, I don't want to be mean anymore! 94 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,624 God damn it! 95 00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:37,625 Whatever you want to do, 96 00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:39,293 I will support you either way. 97 00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:40,694 Well, we have that bingo gig tomorrow night. 98 00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:42,730 You think we can do it without going full mean? 99 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:45,566 If you're nice, I'll be nice too. 100 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,701 And as our gift to you, 101 00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:50,604 we'll provide you with this wonderful swag. 102 00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,673 We've got Classic Doo-Wop. We've got-- 103 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:53,707 (Arthur) Oh, God! 104 00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:55,609 Chad Arrow is so arrogant 105 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,478 about making the most pledge money. 106 00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,213 I mean, the odds are in his favor. 107 00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:00,348 He's in prime time, 108 00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,650 giving away doo-wop CDs. 109 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,552 PBS viewers love doo-wop! 110 00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:07,655 It's like catnip to PBS viewers! 111 00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:10,291 I'm going to bed. Good night. 112 00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:11,392 Good night, Arthur. 113 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:12,793 An unexpected bonus might be 114 00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:15,195 to speak with Clare here. 115 00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:16,264 Clare, could you smile? 116 00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:17,465 (Arthur) Turn that off. 117 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:23,404 * 118 00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:24,505 - That was awful. - I know. 119 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:25,573 I hate bombing! 120 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:26,474 Let's take this into consideration. 121 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,509 We did sub in for a drag queen 122 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:29,743 and an insult comic on bingo night. 123 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,579 So what does that mean? 124 00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:33,581 I'm just saying maybe this wasn't the best time 125 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:34,715 to debut our new material 126 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:36,450 about how nice Naomi Watts seems. 127 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,218 I think it's the venue. 128 00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:39,720 I think we need to give the nice thing one more chance. 129 00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:40,888 Excuse me. I'm so sorry. 130 00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,723 I think you dropped something. 131 00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,292 - What? - What? 132 00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:45,593 30-day chip from AA. Look at that. 133 00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:47,295 [clicks tongue] 134 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:48,762 What the hell are you doing to my friend? 135 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,331 I'm gonna call the cops. 136 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:51,465 Sorry, sorry. 137 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,367 I'm--I'm Abra Cadouglas, 138 00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:54,535 grateful recovering alcoholic 139 00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:57,004 and magician. 140 00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:59,340 What's that in your pocket, sir? 141 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:00,774 - What? - Check your pocket. 142 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,677 (Billy) What? 143 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,313 "Abra Cadouglas." 144 00:04:05,413 --> 00:04:06,580 Abra Cadouglas, yes. 145 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,283 "Williamsburg's premier sober magician"? 146 00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,618 There's more than one? 147 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,353 She's here every Tuesday night. 148 00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:13,821 She does this magic show 149 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,623 that's themed around her recovery. 150 00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:16,757 I freaking love you so much. 151 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,326 Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. 152 00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:21,395 Magic is an illusion made up of many steps. 153 00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,631 Sobriety takes just 12. 154 00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:25,499 Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo. 155 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,368 First...we admitted 156 00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:30,504 that our lives had become unmanageable. 157 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:31,572 [applause] 158 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,273 [rings clattering] 159 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,578 Is this crazy, or is this good? 160 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:40,348 Once I was so desperate for alcohol 161 00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:43,517 that I shoplifted a can of hair spray 162 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,052 and then drank it. 163 00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:48,689 Woke up three days later on a boat with Bill Pullman. 164 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,458 Now, that's crazy. 165 00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:53,060 Abra Cadouglas is my name, 166 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,828 and I have to get out of this bar. 167 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:56,664 Something bad's gonna happen. 168 00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:57,798 Good night. 169 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,533 Bye. Makes me laugh so much. 170 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,802 Last week, she sawed her sponsor in half. 171 00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:03,671 That does not surprise me. 172 00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:05,839 [sighs] 173 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,741 - I'm Billy, by the way. - Hey, I'm Fred. 174 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,543 - Hey, Fred. - Hey. 175 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,879 You didn't happen to see our show just now, did you? 176 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,414 Oh, no, no. 177 00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:14,748 You know, I usually try to make it here 178 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:17,084 for the bingo as well, but I had to work late today. 179 00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,652 That is more than okay. 180 00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:19,787 Are you in show business also? 181 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,322 No. God, no. I'm a dentist. 182 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:23,323 Dentist? Wow. 183 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:24,392 That's refreshing. 184 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:25,393 Are you single? 185 00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:26,460 Rested and ready. 186 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:27,628 If that's the case, 187 00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:28,862 I shall be excusing myself, Billiam. 188 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:29,863 Have a beautiful night. 189 00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:30,864 Nice meeting you. 190 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:31,865 Bye. 191 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,501 [both chuckle] 192 00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,469 Hey, can I get you another beer? 193 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:36,904 I'm gonna fuck you, yeah. 194 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:37,905 Wow, okay. 195 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,573 I'm just kidding. 196 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:40,808 Uh, you want to see a show tomorrow night? 197 00:05:40,908 --> 00:05:41,909 Yeah, great. 198 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,912 [upbeat music] 199 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,815 * 200 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,750 I just think it would be so disgusting 201 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:52,653 to look inside a mouth every five minutes. 202 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:53,921 Well, I mean, you know, when it's gross, 203 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,689 it's usually more about the tongue 204 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:56,857 than it is the teeth. 205 00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:59,359 Ugh, that's-- that is just disgusting. 206 00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,628 Tongues are weird. They're scaly. 207 00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:01,829 Mm! Ew. 208 00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:03,130 Later. 209 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,466 Oh, my God, there's Marc Shaiman. 210 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:06,667 (Fred) Who's that? 211 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,402 (Billy) He co-wrote Hairspray 212 00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:09,637 and Smash. 213 00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:10,838 - Wow. - Yeah, he's amazing. 214 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:13,441 I love that you know all this stuff. 215 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,375 I just see a guy with gaps in his incisors. 216 00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:16,744 [laughs] 217 00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:18,579 Well, there's that too. 218 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,147 So, Billy, what do you think 219 00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:21,915 is, like, the greatest injustice in show business? 220 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:24,485 Wow. Good question. 221 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,153 I think the greatest injustice 222 00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:28,656 is probably that Martin Short doesn't have an EGOT. 223 00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:30,424 You know what the EGOT is? 224 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:31,925 It's someone who has an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony. 225 00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,894 And I think all my second-place grievances 226 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,829 are probably about Marisa Tomei. 227 00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,465 [cheers and applause] 228 00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:38,666 (Bridget) Now, ladies and gentlemen, 229 00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:40,734 if you've been to the show before, 230 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,703 you know that I always love to sing a song 231 00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:44,938 and dedicate it to everybody with a pussy. 232 00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,441 Now, if you have a pussy, I want to hear you say, 233 00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:49,510 "I love my pussy!" 234 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,978 I love my pussy! 235 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,180 I said, "I love my pussy!" 236 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,648 I love my pussy! 237 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,650 (Bridget) Oh, shit. 238 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,985 Can I get a volunteer? 239 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,488 - Ooh! - Anyone. 240 00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:01,855 Come on up, Horshack. Let's go. 241 00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:03,791 - Whoo! - Help him out. 242 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:04,925 She chose me! 243 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:05,926 (Bridget) He's fired up. 244 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,528 Whoo! 245 00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:08,896 [cheers and applause] 246 00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:10,931 Have a seat up there. 247 00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,666 He's a participator? 248 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,001 Yes, a participator. 249 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,569 I had no idea. 250 00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:16,770 The second Bridget asked for a volunteer 251 00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:18,806 to come up on stage, his hand shot up 252 00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:21,441 faster than Kevin Spacey's fly at the opening of Newsies. 253 00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:22,810 What is that, even, 254 00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:24,945 to not be embarrassed by even just the idea 255 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,780 of audience participation? 256 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,516 I don't know; I don't even like it at a concert, 257 00:07:28,616 --> 00:07:30,484 like when the lead singer goes, "Now you guys sing." 258 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:31,885 No. Fuck you. 259 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,887 Yeah, I paid you to sing, thank you very much. 260 00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:36,690 I don't ask Imagine Dragons to come here and wait tables. 261 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:37,758 It's bullshit. 262 00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:38,992 And if I am gonna sing, 263 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,561 there's thousands of people there. 264 00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:41,862 Would my voice make a difference? 265 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,697 No, not when everybody around you is doing it. 266 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,499 - It's like voting. - That's elitist. 267 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,234 Why are you the only ones that get to sing and dance 268 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:48,969 or whatever the hell it is you do? 269 00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:50,704 You think I'm a dancer? Really? 270 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,839 Is it the arch in my back? 271 00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:54,041 Look, if nonperformers want to perform, 272 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,876 they have karaoke and Halloween to use 273 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,711 for act-out and dress-up times. 274 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,547 (Nate) But what's the point in going to see anything 275 00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:00,748 if you can't take part in it? 276 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:02,015 [scoffs] You would say that. 277 00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,552 He turns into such a racial stereotype 278 00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:05,853 whenever we go to the movies together. 279 00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:07,688 He's always talking back to the screen 280 00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:09,990 or yelling "watch out" to characters in trouble. 281 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:12,593 You know, you really ruined Blue Valentine for me. 282 00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:14,628 Michelle Williams was going to get her heart broken. 283 00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:15,896 That is the plot! 284 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,031 Are we talking about audience participation? 285 00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:19,833 Boy, I have a story 286 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,602 about when I was in Tony n' Tina's Wedding. 287 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:22,803 (Billy) Oh, I'm shocked. 288 00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:23,937 Shut up, Billy. 289 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,505 So the whole show, 290 00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,641 for those of you who don't know, 291 00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:30,043 is audience participation. 292 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:32,813 [laughing] 293 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:36,617 And we had so much fun. 294 00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,786 [laughing] 295 00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,688 That's your story? 296 00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:41,722 [laughs] 297 00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,557 So Fred is a participator. 298 00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:44,958 Is that the only thing you don't like about him? 299 00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,894 Yeah, you know, he's a great guy. 300 00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,596 He has an actual job. 301 00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:49,763 He's an adult. 302 00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,599 Then don't do what you usually do 303 00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,934 and break up with a good guy because of a tiny, dumb reason. 304 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,302 Is that what I do? 305 00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:56,670 both: Yes. - You'll die alone. 306 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:57,838 Why don't you just take him someplace 307 00:08:57,938 --> 00:08:59,006 other than a show? 308 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,776 Okay. 309 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,011 That's a good idea. 310 00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:05,078 You're very smart, Nate. 311 00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:06,880 You never sat next to him 312 00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,315 when he's yelling at the Coca-Cola polar bears 313 00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:09,650 before the movie starts. 314 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,318 They're gonna get diabetes. 315 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:14,087 [light music] 316 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:16,323 Ugh, let me guess. 317 00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:17,725 Pizza again for dinner? 318 00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:19,593 And the place is a mess. 319 00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,662 What a dump, eh, Martha? 320 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,664 Sorry. I'm just hungry. 321 00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:24,665 Every year, it's the same. 322 00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,066 PBS has a pledge drive, 323 00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,135 and I need understanding from you that I don't get. 324 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,803 And you're such a supportive partner to Billy. 325 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,104 Why can't I get some of that, Julie? 326 00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,940 You used my real name. 327 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,074 If I don't raise enough money, 328 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,075 I could lose my job. 329 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,877 Gabby told me that today. 330 00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:39,046 If you lose your job, we'll get you another job, 331 00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:40,580 maybe at a for-profit network this time. 332 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:41,982 I could even pitch them. 333 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,151 This is not about you! 334 00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,585 [sighs] 335 00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,120 Okay, Arthur. 336 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,690 I acknowledge that when it comes to our relationship, 337 00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:52,860 I tend to be J.Lo to your Judy Greer. 338 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,162 But I'm trying to fix your problem. 339 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,163 Yeah, that's just it, Julie. 340 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,898 You're trying to fix it, 341 00:09:57,998 --> 00:09:59,099 'cause that's what you want to do. 342 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,367 I'm asking for sympathy and support. 343 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:01,902 I need you to listen. 344 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,370 Otherwise, you may as well not even be here. 345 00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:05,839 Oh, well, maybe you need to be left alone. 346 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,775 Why don't I just give you the apartment for the week? 347 00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:08,942 Fine! 348 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,110 If that's the case, 349 00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:11,779 why don't I just take the dogs too 350 00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,380 so you don't have to worry about walking them? 351 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,782 Good! 352 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:15,849 Great! 353 00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,150 I'll just grab my toothbrush. 354 00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:18,752 Or I won't. 355 00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:19,987 I'll just buy a new one at Duane Reade. 356 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,054 Great idea. 357 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,122 So I'll just take the dogs 358 00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:24,624 and their food and beds 359 00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:25,959 and my hair stuff. 360 00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:29,797 The dogs, their food and bed, 361 00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:30,998 and my hair stuff, 362 00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:32,866 and my laptop... 363 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:36,737 and jacket, 'cause it's cold outside. 364 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:39,773 The dogs, their food and beds, 365 00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:42,142 hair stuff, jacket because it's cold outside, 366 00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:43,977 and laptop. 367 00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:46,780 And this DVD of The Jerk. 368 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,682 See you Monday. 369 00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:50,650 And that's all I need! 370 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,119 Come on, guys. 371 00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:56,957 Darling. 372 00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:57,958 Hi, Mom. 373 00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,760 Welcome home. 374 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,428 Can the dogs stay outside? 375 00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:12,806 For how long do we have the pleasure of your company? 376 00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:14,875 Until Arthur stops being mad at me 377 00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:17,745 or pledge week ends, whichever comes first. 378 00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:20,180 Did you ever wonder whether Arthur's drinking problem 379 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,015 is affecting your relationship? 380 00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,917 I don't think he has a drinking problem. 381 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,118 We're having dinner with the Cuppermans 382 00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:26,820 tomorrow night. 383 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,756 You're invited to join if you'd like. 384 00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:29,757 I don't know if-- 385 00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,024 They have a single son. 386 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,893 We didn't break up. 387 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:33,994 Well, you're not married. 388 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,228 I know. 389 00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,030 Why don't the dogs stay in cages? 390 00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:38,832 Because they're not canaries. 391 00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:40,934 Wait here; I have this article I want to show you 392 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,036 about women with performance backgrounds 393 00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,773 moving on to lucrative careers. 394 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,442 Oh, and I have another one about a study they did. 395 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,444 Apparently, Jewish women who marry Jewish men 396 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,046 have happier children. 397 00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:55,783 We've got to get Daddy to let Mommy come home. 398 00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:58,952 You, um, looked like you were having a good time up there. 399 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,187 Oh, my God, what a blast. 400 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,222 I mean, of all the crazy things, 401 00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,824 I'm not even a performer. 402 00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:05,192 Not even an aspirational one? 403 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:06,459 Oh, God, no. No, no, no. 404 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:07,961 I love what I do. 405 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,229 (woman) * Happy birthday... 406 00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:11,832 * Birthday to you 407 00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:16,136 (people and Fred) * Happy birthday to you 408 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:21,008 * Happy birthday, dear...person * 409 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:25,745 * Happy birthday to you 410 00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:28,782 * And many more 411 00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,784 Whoo! 412 00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:32,986 Happy birthday. 413 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:36,156 Fred, you're a really sweet guy. 414 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,926 I think it's great you don't want to be a performer. 415 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:41,528 But I worry that what you are 416 00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:44,998 makes us even more incompatible. 417 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,801 You're a... participator. 418 00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,237 What--what's that? 419 00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:52,039 Like getting on stage with Bridget 420 00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,306 and singing Happy Birthday with these people. 421 00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:54,942 You don't know these people. 422 00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:56,309 I--I just like to sing. 423 00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:57,544 What's the big deal? 424 00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,012 It's like Game of Thrones. 425 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:02,249 I want to be okay with it, but I'm not. 426 00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:05,118 [rock music] 427 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,955 Hi. Julie Kessler for Arthur Tack. 428 00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,522 - Noodles. - Oh, hi! 429 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:10,991 I brought you lunch. 430 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:13,093 And look, I found those olives you like. 431 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:14,327 And bitters. I found bitters. 432 00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:15,863 Hello, Julie. 433 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,264 Hey, Gabby. How's the pledge drive? 434 00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:19,199 Uh, we're doing the best we can. 435 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:19,967 Hey, have you guys ever considered 436 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:21,134 changing your pitch? 437 00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,003 It's like tote bags and umbrellas? 438 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:24,872 What kind of message does that send? 439 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:26,974 "I love books" and "oh, good, it's raining"? 440 00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:28,241 We can't afford better gifts. 441 00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:29,542 Oh. 442 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,144 One of Julie's favorite hobbies 443 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,345 is fixing things when she thinks they need fixing, 444 00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,081 even when it's my boss. 445 00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:36,884 Ooh, then what if you just jazzed up the pledge breaks? 446 00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,118 I mean, it doesn't have to be expensive. 447 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,286 It could be cheap, 448 00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:41,021 like when Comedy Central did those roasts. 449 00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,089 Let's get back to work. 450 00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,556 Wait, Gabby. 451 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,558 Seriously, I think this is kind of a great idea. 452 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,160 First ever PBS roast? 453 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,829 I mean, we could pack the dais with PBS personalities 454 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,965 and rip them all new assholes-- 455 00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:53,566 Charlie Rose, Cookie Monster, 456 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,103 those creepy twins from Antiques Roadshow. 457 00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:57,570 I grew up with those brothers. 458 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:58,939 They're family friends. 459 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,041 I bathed with those twins. 460 00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:03,176 This conversation is hurtful. 461 00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:05,245 And out of respect to my boundaries, 462 00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,847 I am going. 463 00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:12,585 Thanks for lunch. 464 00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:15,188 [sighs] 465 00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:20,060 [stirring music] 466 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,963 Everybody on Veep talks too fast. 467 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:25,332 I'm switching it to Big Bang. 468 00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:26,633 Why did Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting 469 00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:29,069 only make $1 million for this episode? 470 00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:30,170 Is that true? 471 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:31,638 It's amazing. 472 00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,206 When you're here, she actually listens. 473 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:35,142 I listen to everything you say. 474 00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:37,277 You're upset because you brought Arthur lunch 475 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,080 and he was too drunk to realize you were there. 476 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,414 That's not the story. 477 00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:43,316 I think it's very close. Who wants popcorn? 478 00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:45,118 Isn't this fun? 479 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,619 It's like a slumber party. 480 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,989 Hey, Billy, want to see my yearbook? 481 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,223 I was a size zero, 482 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:53,060 and that's a 1969 size zero. 483 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,095 I was the size of Allison Janney's arm. 484 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,897 - Wow. - Very, very small. 485 00:14:57,998 --> 00:14:59,066 I'll be right back. 486 00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:01,101 I have to get out of here. 487 00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:03,303 I miss my boyfriend. 488 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,072 I know, and looking at you, 489 00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:06,439 I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have dumped Fred. 490 00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:07,640 Is it the worst thing in the world 491 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,142 to be a participator? 492 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,145 No. I mean, it's up there. 493 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,646 Oh, it's time for Arthur's shift. 494 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:16,183 Turn on PBS quick. 495 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:17,317 Here you are. 496 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:18,451 Thank you. 497 00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,320 Where did my nerds go? 498 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,155 Hello, public television fans. 499 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,191 We hope you are enjoying hour three 500 00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:26,994 of The Slow Dances of Tibet. 501 00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:29,129 And now it's umbrella time. 502 00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:30,998 (Billy) Oh, my God, it's umbrella time. 503 00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:32,165 How exciting is that? 504 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,233 I feel like I've been shot in the face 505 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:34,667 with a tranquilizer dart. 506 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,203 Arthur told me he gets the worst programs 507 00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:37,470 during the worst shifts. 508 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:40,007 No, they're contaminating the popcorn. 509 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,942 Oh, God, that's a Marimekko bowl. 510 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:45,412 We are a family here, and we need your help. 511 00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,214 Isn't that right, Arthur? 512 00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:49,149 (Billy) Oh, here's Arthur. 513 00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:50,417 (Julie) Ugh, nobody's gonna pledge any money for this. 514 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:53,120 Coming up after the final Tibetan dance, 515 00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:55,355 set to complete silence, 516 00:15:55,455 --> 00:16:00,027 a number from the musical The Hairspray. 517 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,694 He's gonna get fired. 518 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,697 [rock music] 519 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:08,368 * 520 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:09,702 How did you get in here? 521 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,071 I told the security guard 522 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,405 I was Shari Lewis's granddaughter. 523 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:14,341 Well, the pledge thermometer hasn't budged. 524 00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:15,508 Hopefully, people will tune in during the Hairspray song. 525 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:17,277 Oh, who's doing it? 526 00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:18,511 Harvey Fierstein is singing with Cheyenne Jackson, 527 00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:19,512 and Marc Shaiman is playing piano. 528 00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:22,115 Wow, the gay trifecta. 529 00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:24,184 I wonder who they'll contact in the inevitable séance. 530 00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:25,285 Ross Matthews? 531 00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:26,353 Ross Matthews isn't dead yet. 532 00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:27,520 Oh, right. 533 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:29,156 I want to meet Marc Shaiman. 534 00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:30,723 (Shaiman) My ears are burning. 535 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,192 And it's not venereal. 536 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:33,526 [laughter] - Hey, hi, how are ya? 537 00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:35,062 I'm Billy. 538 00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:36,196 I saw Bridget Evancho the other night, 539 00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:37,330 and your songs are amazing. 540 00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:39,032 Yeah, right? 541 00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:40,467 I'm Julie Kessler. I'm such a fan of yours. 542 00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:41,501 I wouldn't even know where to begin. 543 00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,070 Julie Kessler. 544 00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:44,737 Don't you write recaps of TV shows? 545 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:45,938 Yes. 546 00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:48,541 You wrote something really nasty about us on Smash. 547 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,077 Well, if I said anything mean about it, 548 00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,311 I'm sure I was just upset 549 00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,213 that Ivy didn't get the role of Marilyn. 550 00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:56,049 Do you have any idea how hard we work on those songs? 551 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,450 And then it's so easy for you people 552 00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:58,551 to just trash 'em. 553 00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:00,087 It wasn't that easy. 554 00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:02,122 I had 300 words due that day by noon. 555 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:04,091 You here to write some more shit about me online? 556 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:06,293 I'm here because the pledge breaks are so boring, 557 00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:07,527 I decided to help my boyfriend-- 558 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:09,129 Oh, great, so now I'm boring. 559 00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:10,463 You know what? I'm leaving. 560 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,332 What? Mr. Shaiman, no. 561 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,301 Tell Harvey and Cheyenne I'll meet them 562 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:15,568 at the M&M store. 563 00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:17,137 Oh, thanks a lot, mouse pad. 564 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:18,505 Now with Shaiman gone, 565 00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,207 I have nothing lined up for the next pledge break. 566 00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:21,374 I was just trying to help. 567 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:24,077 And yet... 568 00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:25,412 Shit! 569 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:26,779 Okay, I can fix this. 570 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,116 What if we do your PBS roast idea? 571 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,451 Uh, we can't just-- we have nothing prepared. 572 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:32,819 It's making fun of PBS celebrities. 573 00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,421 We can do it in our sleep. 574 00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:36,156 Doesn't that go against your whole resolution 575 00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:38,091 about being nicer to celebrities? 576 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:39,192 Fuck celebrities! 577 00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:40,393 I mean, except for Wendy Williams. 578 00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:43,463 Look, you need me, and Arthur needs you. 579 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,298 Arthur. 580 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:46,133 We have an idea. 581 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:52,472 Welcome to the first ever PBS roast. 582 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,374 Now, before we move on, I just want to acknowledge 583 00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,143 all of our viewers who are taking time 584 00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,444 out of not having sex to watch our show. 585 00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,078 Thank you so much. 586 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:01,348 Your balls are bluer than Cookie Monster's. 587 00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,350 (Billy) And speaking of Sesame Street, 588 00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,385 Maria from Sesame Street was supposed to be here tonight, 589 00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,387 but Charlie Rose wouldn't let her have the night off 590 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:08,555 from cleaning his apartment. 591 00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:09,856 And speaking of Charlie Rose, 592 00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:11,491 this isn't a joke or anything, 593 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,493 but he just seems like a really mean pervert to me, 594 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:14,827 like the kind of guy that only likes porn 595 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,129 where a lady's getting it from behind 596 00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,530 and her head is in the toilet. 597 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,533 And I hate to take things into a negative place, 598 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,402 but, PBS, I have a beef with you. 599 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,404 Why did you cancel Shining Time Station? 600 00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:26,273 If there is one thing children love, 601 00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:29,176 it's having Ringo Starr yell at them about trains. 602 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:31,378 (Billy) There are so many good shows you guys don't play anymore. 603 00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:32,512 What about The Frugal Gourmet? 604 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,281 Remember that show? 605 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,283 That was one of my grandmother's favorites. 606 00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:38,318 You know, the original title of The Frugal Gourmet 607 00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:40,287 was The Cheap Cunt. 608 00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:41,888 Or Mr. Bean. Everybody loves Mr. Bean. 609 00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:43,856 Hey, Billy, you know that's what I call my clitoris? 610 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,358 Oh, wow. 611 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,559 Maggie Smith knows what I'm talking about. 612 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,395 Well, despite an FCC fine 613 00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:49,829 and an email from Gabby firing me, 614 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,298 which she later retracted, 615 00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:53,366 you guys really saved my patoot. 616 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:56,436 Yes, Arthur, this video has over 100,000 views already. 617 00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,371 Not since the days of Too Many Cooks-- 618 00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,439 remember Too Many Cooks? 619 00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:00,907 No. 620 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,509 This video has gotten so many donations 621 00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:04,477 that PBS raised more money than we ever have, 622 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:07,314 over $1,143! 623 00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:09,148 Oh, Arthur, I'm so proud of you. 624 00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:10,583 And I promise going forward, I'm going to give you 625 00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,252 the five days a year that you need. 626 00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:13,453 Oh, thank you, porcupine, 627 00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,355 but those days are over for this year. 628 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,257 Welcome home. I'll make dinner tonight. 629 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,458 Mm-mm, no. 630 00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,193 We have tickets to Abra Cadouglas. 631 00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:21,561 Then we have to go to that Simpsons party. 632 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,196 When did you get tickets for Abra Cadouglas? 633 00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:24,597 Well, it was my big play to get Fred back, 634 00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:26,466 but he never replied to my email. 635 00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:29,168 - Fuck Fred. - Fuck Fred. 636 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:31,338 Now if I want to go to a magic show with a gay guy, 637 00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,340 the only left is Neil Patrick Harris. 638 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,608 [lively music] 639 00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,877 Oh, my God, this place is packed. 640 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,312 It's a good thing you got tickets 641 00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:42,549 before Abra Cadouglas exploded, apparently. 642 00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:44,951 Oh, my God, is that Martha Stewart 643 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:46,486 and Nathan Lane? 644 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:49,188 I guess Abra's the toast of the town. 645 00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:50,423 - Oh, my God. - What? 646 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,959 That's Fred. And he brought a date. 647 00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:54,261 (Julie) The nerve of him. 648 00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:55,528 I hate them both! 649 00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:57,330 No, no, no, you don't have to hate them. 650 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,665 It's my fault; I was being nice to celebrities 651 00:19:58,765 --> 00:19:59,966 and mean to guys I date. 652 00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:01,401 I should be doing the reverse. 653 00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:03,536 Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. 654 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,372 - Oh! - Here we go. 655 00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:07,907 (man) She's sober. She's magical. 656 00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,377 She's Abra Cadouglas! 657 00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:12,479 [applause] - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 658 00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:13,646 The road to recovery is long, 659 00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:15,214 and so is this scarf. 660 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:16,983 Oh, it never ends. It never ends. 661 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,519 Lifelong commitment to... 662 00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,388 serenity. 663 00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:22,489 Abra Cadouglas. 664 00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:23,656 [cheers and applause] 665 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:25,458 When I say, "A," you say, "A." 666 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,559 - A. - A. 667 00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:28,227 - A. - A. 668 00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:29,629 Higher power. Thank you so much. 669 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,398 [scattered applause] 670 00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:33,232 For my next trick, I'm gonna need a volunteer. 671 00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:34,401 Who's it gonna be? 672 00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:35,435 - Should I do it? - Anybody? 673 00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:36,936 Because if I do it, 674 00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,471 maybe Fred will see that I'm okay with it 675 00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:39,539 and then he'll have to take me back. 676 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:40,640 Are you serious? 677 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,375 You have to think about this, Billy. 678 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,476 I don't have time to think. I'll do it! 679 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,278 Yes, you will. 680 00:20:45,378 --> 00:20:46,513 Give him a round of applause. 681 00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:48,348 He just got a service commitment. 682 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,283 [applause] 683 00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:51,284 Sir, what's your name? 684 00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:52,385 Um, Billy. 685 00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,421 (all) Hi, Billy. 686 00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:56,956 Hi, and I just want to say that I'm not above this. 687 00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:59,492 And I'm having a great time, and I'm up for anything. 688 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:03,530 Billy, I'm gonna need you to sit inside of this wagon. 689 00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:05,565 Okay, all right. 690 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,768 This trigger represents an obstacle to recovery, 691 00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,537 or a trigger. 692 00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:11,571 Oh, Jesus. 693 00:21:11,671 --> 00:21:13,540 Work stress. 694 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,342 Co-dependent parents. 695 00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:17,444 Dating too soon in recovery. 696 00:21:17,544 --> 00:21:18,578 [laughter] 697 00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:19,679 Living above a bar! 698 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,348 No, okay. All right. Oh. 699 00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:22,982 Presto chango, you're off the wagon. 700 00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:24,050 [applause] 701 00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:25,585 Abra Cadouglas! 702 00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:28,788 Oh, God, you're still wet? 703 00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:30,390 Well, I mean, you know... 704 00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,024 Was that as humiliating as it looked? 705 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,593 Oh, much more so. 706 00:21:33,693 --> 00:21:34,661 Hey, Billy. 707 00:21:34,761 --> 00:21:36,463 Hey, Fred. How are you? 708 00:21:36,563 --> 00:21:37,497 Good to see you. 709 00:21:37,597 --> 00:21:39,332 Look at me; I participated. 710 00:21:39,432 --> 00:21:41,067 Yeah, you know, I feel like this whole thing 711 00:21:41,167 --> 00:21:42,735 was like an exercise in empathy. 712 00:21:42,835 --> 00:21:44,337 Yeah, I guess that's what it was. 713 00:21:44,437 --> 00:21:45,505 Such a huge turnoff 714 00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:48,375 to see somebody embarrass themselves on stage like that. 715 00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:49,709 I'll see you around. 716 00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,678 Come on, Mordecai. 717 00:21:54,414 --> 00:21:55,582 Never do the right thing. 718 00:21:55,682 --> 00:21:56,816 I know. 719 00:21:56,916 --> 00:21:58,451 Never do the right thing! 720 00:21:58,551 --> 00:22:00,753 I know. I know. I know. I'm sorry. 721 00:22:00,853 --> 00:22:02,489 Let's go to that Simpsons party. 722 00:22:02,589 --> 00:22:06,426 [dramatic classical music] 723 00:22:06,526 --> 00:22:08,428 Kessler. K-e-s-s-l-e-r. 724 00:22:08,528 --> 00:22:09,696 Just look again. 725 00:22:09,796 --> 00:22:11,330 Here, show him the invite on your phone. 726 00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:12,765 This says, "Julie Kavner." 727 00:22:12,865 --> 00:22:14,033 - What? - What are you talking about? 728 00:22:14,133 --> 00:22:15,835 JulieK@gmail. 729 00:22:15,935 --> 00:22:17,370 With or without an underscore, though? 730 00:22:17,470 --> 00:22:18,638 - Shit. - No, that was a mistake. 731 00:22:18,738 --> 00:22:20,740 We meant to invite Julie Kavner, because 732 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,675 she is an integral part of the longevity of The Simpsons. 733 00:22:22,775 --> 00:22:24,444 You know, I don't need to hear your musings 734 00:22:24,544 --> 00:22:25,778 on Julie Kavner's star quality right now. 735 00:22:25,878 --> 00:22:27,380 Yeah, well, you, I've never heard of. 736 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:28,515 Next. 737 00:22:28,615 --> 00:22:30,450 See? I wasn't invited either. 738 00:22:30,550 --> 00:22:31,784 And it has nothing to do with whether or not 739 00:22:31,884 --> 00:22:33,052 we're nice or mean to celebrities. 740 00:22:33,152 --> 00:22:34,721 It's just the way it is. 741 00:22:34,821 --> 00:22:36,489 It has to do with the fact that nobody knows who we are. 742 00:22:36,589 --> 00:22:38,124 Hey. 743 00:22:38,224 --> 00:22:39,659 [laughs] Billy, isn't it? 744 00:22:39,759 --> 00:22:40,660 - Yeah. - Oh, my God. 745 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:41,761 [laughs] 746 00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:43,362 Oh, my God, Martin Short. 747 00:22:43,463 --> 00:22:44,631 Gee, you're taller in person. 748 00:22:44,731 --> 00:22:45,798 I--I am very tall. 749 00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:47,667 Oh, my God, yes, I'm Billy Epstein. 750 00:22:47,767 --> 00:22:48,701 How do you know who I am? 751 00:22:48,801 --> 00:22:50,437 I'm a huge fan of yours, 752 00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:51,838 and you recognizing me is changing my entire night. 753 00:22:51,938 --> 00:22:53,806 Yeah, you were at Abra Cadouglas's show. 754 00:22:53,906 --> 00:22:55,074 - Were you just there? - Yes. 755 00:22:55,174 --> 00:22:56,543 Oh, my God, that's crazy. 756 00:22:56,643 --> 00:22:58,377 And what--you know my standup or something? 757 00:22:58,478 --> 00:22:59,612 No, no, I've never seen it. 758 00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:01,414 I can't imagine you'd have a standup. 759 00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:02,715 If you do, you shouldn't. 760 00:23:02,815 --> 00:23:03,816 You were just this awkward guy 761 00:23:03,916 --> 00:23:05,084 that they brought up 762 00:23:05,184 --> 00:23:06,619 and kind of made a goof of himself. 763 00:23:06,719 --> 00:23:08,421 Gee, you have no charisma, 764 00:23:08,521 --> 00:23:09,856 but I think that's maybe your strength. 765 00:23:09,956 --> 00:23:11,824 I don't know, but it's fun for us to watch. 766 00:23:11,924 --> 00:23:15,161 Hey, now, you remind me of a young Shari Lewis. 767 00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:17,430 Jerry Lewis. 768 00:23:17,530 --> 00:23:18,631 - Okay. - Yeah. 769 00:23:18,731 --> 00:23:21,400 Anyway, got the big teeth. 770 00:23:21,501 --> 00:23:22,835 Anyway, good to see you. 771 00:23:22,935 --> 00:23:24,403 [rock music] 772 00:23:24,504 --> 00:23:26,706 (man) * Ow 773 00:23:26,806 --> 00:23:29,442 * Thought it'd be easy 774 00:23:29,542 --> 00:23:31,811 * Thought they didn't know 775 00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:36,916 * You thought it was the only way to go * 776 00:23:37,016 --> 00:23:39,552 * Another way out 777 00:23:39,652 --> 00:23:42,121 * Found on the way home 778 00:23:42,221 --> 00:23:43,490 * Thought you were living fast 779 00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:46,125 * But you were living slow 780 00:23:46,225 --> 00:23:54,166 *