1 00:00:03,304 --> 00:00:04,538 (Julie) So we're in L.A., and we're in an elevator. 2 00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,140 (Billy) In one of those condos 3 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:08,076 that people rent out for pilot season. 4 00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:10,544 Yeah, the ones where the bathrooms are basically coated 5 00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:13,114 so it's easier to wash off suicide blood. 6 00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:15,116 And all of a sudden, we hear, "Hold the door." 7 00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:17,418 And into the elevator runs these three rats 8 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,019 in Swarovski crystal collars. 9 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,388 Chihuahuas. 10 00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:23,391 And then as if summoned by some higher power, 11 00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:27,161 the dark silhouette of their owner enters the frame. 12 00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:30,064 And it's Katharine McPhee. 13 00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:32,366 [audience member coughing] 14 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:36,437 From Smash. American Idol? 15 00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:42,110 Hour two of us stuck in an elevator with Katharine McPhee. 16 00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:44,245 Yes. 17 00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:46,314 We've eaten all of Katharine McPhee's food. 18 00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:49,117 - The end. - Thank you. 19 00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:52,153 Okay, great. Thanks, guys. 20 00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:53,487 Right on, right on. Good stuff. 21 00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:55,589 Guys, the next storyteller coming to the stage 22 00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,458 is a favorite here at The Caterpillar. 23 00:00:57,558 --> 00:01:00,294 Welcome, Andrea Mumford. 24 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:03,331 [cheering and clapping] 25 00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:12,340 When my uncle molested me the first time, 26 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:13,541 I thought he was joking. 27 00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:19,113 [driving punk rock music] 28 00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:22,250 Most people bring flowers to their mother's funeral. 29 00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:25,553 I brought a lifetime of bad choices. 30 00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:27,588 She got applause before she even started. 31 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,690 We were up there for 17 minutes. Nothing. 32 00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:32,426 Maybe we should rethink this whole storytelling thing. 33 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:33,594 No, we're gonna crack it. 34 00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:35,629 Julie, we've tried three stories here 35 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:37,465 and every time, nothing. 36 00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,500 It's like my dick with women. 37 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,336 At this point I'd be okay if they even booed us. 38 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,637 Yeah, like my dick with women. 39 00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,373 - Shh. - Oh, excuse me. 40 00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,708 - You be--you shush. - The show's over there. 41 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,310 The show's in the other direction. 42 00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:50,544 Who you been stuck in the elevator with? 43 00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:52,380 Nobody. 44 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:59,119 And that is when I learned to accept my HIV and my AIDS. 45 00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:00,254 Thank you. 46 00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:01,589 [cheering and clapping] 47 00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:04,124 Hmm. She's--she's fine. 48 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:05,259 She knows what she's doing. 49 00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:12,366 * 50 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,401 Where's Billy? 51 00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:14,535 Hello, Mom. 52 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,537 And Mom's breasts. 53 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,172 This is why I wanted Billy. 54 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:20,508 Gay men understand the value of a makeover. 55 00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:22,276 That very well may be, but he's 56 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:23,411 at an audition right now. 57 00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:25,313 Oh, must be nice. 58 00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:27,415 Well, how are you gonna carry all this stuff out? 59 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:28,616 Well, I guess I could call Arthur, 60 00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:30,518 but he has arms like Lincoln Logs. 61 00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:33,554 Of course, your father, he's at a convention in Houston. 62 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:37,291 I swear he plans his trips just to avoid my crises. 63 00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:38,526 Can I carry this off? 64 00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:40,228 Mom, what's going on? 65 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,433 I wasn't asked to speak at the psych convention this year. 66 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,768 They said this year they're looking for fresh voices. 67 00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:50,338 I'm sorry, Mom. Fuck them. 68 00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:51,439 Don't be crude. 69 00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:52,773 But thank you. 70 00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,575 And yes, fuck them. 71 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,410 I just feel I need to do something 72 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,412 to make myself seem younger, 73 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,382 and I refuse to look like those "real housewives" 74 00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:04,552 with all that crazy plastic surgery. 75 00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:06,720 Why can't women age gracefully 76 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:09,390 like Jane Fonda or Jessica Lange? 77 00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:10,558 I hate to break it to you, Mom, 78 00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:12,360 but those women have probably 79 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:14,628 had as much surgery as the "real housewives." 80 00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:16,330 It's just better work. 81 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:17,431 Well, still. 82 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,599 I'm not gonna cut my face up 83 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,634 just for the approval of society. 84 00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,503 Look at you, all feminist. 85 00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:25,339 Now those "housewife" skanks, they deserve to look crazy. 86 00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:27,475 It's their punishment for being such needy whores. 87 00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:28,809 And there's the mom I have. 88 00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:30,611 All right. Carry as much as you can. 89 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,646 I got to clean this place up before my 7:00. 90 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,214 She's a compulsive spender. 91 00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:35,749 I don't want this to be a trigger. 92 00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:37,751 Oh, hey, are those my high school journals? 93 00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,754 I don't know; they were holding up my shoe caddy. 94 00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,357 Oh, Brian Walsh. 95 00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:45,593 You mean that alcoholic from The Eagles? 96 00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:47,828 He was this kid I was in love with in high school, 97 00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:51,832 and he ignored me and that made me more obsessed with him. 98 00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:54,234 God, I guess even back then I was chasing 99 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,304 approval from someone I'd never get it from. 100 00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:58,706 I have been blessed with a figure that can wear anything. 101 00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:01,809 * 102 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,243 Okay. 103 00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:04,512 So, Billy? 104 00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:05,779 Yes, Epstein. 105 00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,448 I know, a Jew in comedy. 106 00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,617 How will I ever defy the odds and make it? 107 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,519 That's hilarious. 108 00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:14,788 So we're remaking Vice Versa. 109 00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:17,525 Father and son switch bodies. 110 00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:20,528 For this scene, you're playing a grown man 111 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:23,263 with the mind of a 13-year-old boy. 112 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:24,798 Oh, wow. Imagine being a Comedy Central executive 113 00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,534 and being like that every day. 114 00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:27,801 That's hilarious. 115 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,403 - So you feel ready? - Oh, yeah, sure. 116 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:30,538 - Let's do it. - Okay. Great. 117 00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:32,306 Let's read. 118 00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:35,576 Hey, Dad. Watch this layup. 119 00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:37,578 Oh, damn it. See? 120 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:38,846 I'm never gonna make the team. 121 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,748 Chin up, kiddo. Just keep practicing. 122 00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:42,483 Here, watch me. 123 00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:44,418 I'll never be a basketball player like you. 124 00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:45,786 I'll never make the team. 125 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,557 Okay, thank you. Have a good day. 126 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,291 Sorry, do you want me to do it differently? 127 00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,427 No, thank you. It was nice meeting you. 128 00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:54,428 I got to do it one more time. 129 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:55,629 Just one more time, you know? 130 00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,297 I just--tell me what you want. 131 00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:58,532 I just didn't believe you. 132 00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,334 Didn't believe me doing what? 133 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:01,669 I didn't believe that you had an emotional connection 134 00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:02,670 with your father. 135 00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,304 Well, my dad's dead. 136 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,573 That's funny. 137 00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:08,476 No, he really is dead, but, you know, 138 00:05:08,576 --> 00:05:10,310 that's not why I didn't have an emotional connection. 139 00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:11,412 I mean, you can have an emotional connection 140 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:12,713 to a dead person. 141 00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,382 It's just that, sometimes dads and sons, 142 00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:16,484 they don't play basketball. 143 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:18,386 Listen. Why don't you go home 144 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:21,455 and take a few days to research what it's like to have a father, 145 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,624 and come back, and I'll see you again. 146 00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:25,526 Oh, that would be great. 147 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:26,660 - I'd love it. - Okay. 148 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:27,761 My dad died, and I got a callback. 149 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,530 Finally paid off. 150 00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:30,698 It's all who you know, and if you're lucky, 151 00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:31,732 they're dead. 152 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,435 Hey, isn't that the truth? 153 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:35,936 Somebody loves pickles. 154 00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,538 It's a Vlasic. 155 00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:39,740 You're like the stork. 156 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,375 God, I wish. Can I tell you the trouble 157 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:42,610 I've had trying to get pregnant? 158 00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:44,512 My womb's like the desert. 159 00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:47,681 * 160 00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:49,349 You took me to a bowling alley 161 00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:51,885 to observe fathers and sons interacting 162 00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,821 for your Vice Versa callback? 163 00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:56,624 Yes, I know it's stupid, but, I don't know. 164 00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:57,758 Isn't that a thing people do? 165 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:58,926 Teach their kids to bowl. 166 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,761 No. Look around. 167 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,631 Like, prostitutes and people about to become prostitutes. 168 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:04,832 There's not a single child here. 169 00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:06,366 I don't know what to do, Julie. 170 00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:07,768 I can't tap into memories of my dad 171 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,803 because we didn't do things like work on cars 172 00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:12,640 or build tree houses or any of that Berenstain Bears shit. 173 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:14,642 Those Jewish bears did the best they could living 174 00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:16,744 in that stupid tree, okay? 175 00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:19,447 Either way, I have to say I'm very proud of you 176 00:06:19,547 --> 00:06:21,849 for demanding a second chance at your audition. 177 00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,451 Well, thank you. And I'm very proud 178 00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:24,518 of myself too. 179 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:25,986 My life is going very well. 180 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:29,457 I'm at a bowling alley about to sit down on a napkin. 181 00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:31,825 I keep thinking about Brian Walsh. 182 00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:34,394 I wish I could demand a second chance from him. 183 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:36,396 Well, you should. He's your very own James Spader 184 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:38,432 - in Pretty in Pink. - Or in Secretary. 185 00:06:38,532 --> 00:06:40,434 Do you remember when he circled all of Maggie Gyllenhaal's typos 186 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,002 with a Sharpie and then bent her over his desk 187 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,971 and jerked off on her back? 188 00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,939 It's like a candlelit bubble bath to me. 189 00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:46,974 Well, look Brian up. 190 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,576 I bet he's fat and bald now. 191 00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:50,711 Like James Spader on The Blacklist. 192 00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:52,012 Billy, I would hit Spader at any age, 193 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:53,547 and you should know that by now. 194 00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:54,915 Straight girls love James Spader. 195 00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:55,983 I know. 196 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,017 Well, I think that's disgusting. 197 00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:58,519 Thank you. 198 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,621 Well, as long as we're here, 199 00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,790 we should probably bowl for Columbine. 200 00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:07,461 * 201 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,429 Are you all right, lava lamp? 202 00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,798 You're never on the internet this long unless you're raging 203 00:07:10,898 --> 00:07:12,833 against some comedy world injustice. 204 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:16,436 No, I've just come to accept that it's Charlyne Yi's year. 205 00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:17,605 What are you looking at? 206 00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,473 I found this guy I used to have a crush on 207 00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:20,974 in high school on Facebook. 208 00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:22,442 - Fun. - Kind of. 209 00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:23,644 He never knew I was alive. 210 00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:24,945 I find that impossible to believe. 211 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,614 Oh, Arthur. 212 00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:27,981 - Why don't you get together? - Really? 213 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,983 Sure. Show him how great you're doing. 214 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,719 Are you sure you'd be cool with that? 215 00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,521 Of course. It's not like it's a date. 216 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,489 - It's not? - No, no, no. 217 00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:36,724 Do it here. 218 00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:38,526 Have him over for a glass of wine. 219 00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:39,860 I'll make quiche from scratch. 220 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,829 Okay, but if we do, you have to pretend 221 00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:43,531 I'm really, really super successful 222 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:46,500 and I'm in an amazing relationship. 223 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:47,668 I mean, that's all true. 224 00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:49,737 Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, but you know what I mean. 225 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:50,904 You have to be all over me, 226 00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,706 that way we can send him home feeling bad. 227 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,575 I love this plan. 228 00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:56,476 Look, he's in a canoe. 229 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:58,879 (Denise) Good news. 230 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:02,082 Matthew went up a whole size in a jazz shoe! 231 00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:04,718 Thanks for the shopping spree, Momma Dee. 232 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,554 - Did you get anything for me? - No. 233 00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:07,921 We didn't pass by the Salvation Army. 234 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:10,658 Oh, read him. 235 00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:13,093 The library is open, diva. 236 00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:15,095 Oh, is it open? The library's open. 237 00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:18,832 Mm-hmm. No. No. No. No. 238 00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,634 (Denise) What are you looking for, Matty? 239 00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,670 Something with Angela Lansbury or Ms. Kate Capshaw. 240 00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:24,638 It's that kind of day. 241 00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:25,939 (announcer) Welcome back to What Are You Going To Do? 242 00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:27,941 - Stop, stop; I love this show. - Me too. 243 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:30,544 Why? It's a stupid, fake show. 244 00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:31,845 Right? Like people would just walk past 245 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,914 a breastfeeding woman getting fired? 246 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:34,948 Please. 247 00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:37,050 Shut up. It's perfect. 248 00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:38,752 In like half an hour, I'm gonna beat you. 249 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,520 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey. 250 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:41,855 - Don't touch me. - Did you just threaten her? 251 00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:44,592 The only people who stop and do the right thing are black men. 252 00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:45,959 It's like they give us a new test every week 253 00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,828 and we keep winning. 254 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,864 Yeah, I saw someone in trouble and I decided to help, you know? 255 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:52,800 I saw this guy yelling at his girl. 256 00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,902 (Billy) I just like it 'cause it shows people walking past 257 00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:56,737 others in need. 258 00:08:56,837 --> 00:08:58,071 [glass breaks] God damn it. 259 00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,073 Again. 260 00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:02,042 This place is falling apart, girl. 261 00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:04,111 I'm not your girl. I'm your boss. 262 00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:07,047 Nate, take your toolbox and go fix this light 263 00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:09,683 before it falls on someone's head and we get sued. 264 00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:10,818 My hands are greasy. 265 00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,552 Billy, will you? 266 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,622 No, I can't. I don't-- 267 00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:15,689 Big surprise. 268 00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:17,024 Seriously? 269 00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:19,893 Open the toolbox and pick up the power drill. 270 00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,895 Oh, like in Body Double. 271 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:24,865 Melanie Griffith in that movie was beyond. 272 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,734 Why don't you know how to use a power drill? 273 00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:29,703 Because my father is dead, and when he was alive, 274 00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:31,739 he was Jewish. 275 00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:32,940 You know what? 276 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,975 I'ma teach you some fatherly shit. 277 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:39,847 Really? [phone vibrating] 278 00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:40,914 Hey. 279 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:43,617 Billy, Brian Walsh is coming over. 280 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:44,918 Amazing. 281 00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:50,724 Be careful with that. 282 00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:51,925 You can electrocute yourself. 283 00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:53,160 I don't know how I'm gonna fix this. 284 00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:54,061 I don't know either, but we gonna try. 285 00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:55,729 Now pick up that screwdriver. 286 00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:57,130 This looks a little like Shirley MacLaine. 287 00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:58,732 That right? All right, let's screw this in. 288 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:00,801 All right. I'm gonna screw it in. 289 00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,203 Nate, how many of those have you had? 290 00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:04,638 None of 'em. 291 00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:05,973 I need you to move the car. 292 00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:07,741 So Billy'll do it. Toss him the keys. 293 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:10,077 Oh, no. I don't know how to drive. 294 00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:11,912 Or catch. 295 00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:14,014 But I bet I can teach you both in an hour. 296 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,082 Can we make it 15 minutes? 297 00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,750 I have my callback later. 298 00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:19,052 Oh, that's something my dad taught me. 299 00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,988 Haggling. 300 00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,958 * 301 00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:27,795 I read online you did Jessica Lange's neck. 302 00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:30,931 Legally, I'm not at liberty to discuss Jessica Lange's neck 303 00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:35,635 or Annette Bening's feet, but I'm very good at what I do. 304 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,971 I want my old eyes back. 305 00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:39,039 I know it's shallow. 306 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,641 I shouldn't even be here. 307 00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,210 I could give you a laser lift right now. 308 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,645 Do you take Amex? 309 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:49,817 * 310 00:10:49,917 --> 00:10:53,220 So I said, "No, give that diversity scholarship 311 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,655 to someone more diverse than me." 312 00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:56,924 And that's how Black-ish happened. 313 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,259 Cool. 314 00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:00,894 I don't watch much TV. 315 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,062 Neither do we. 316 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,197 We're too busy making love. 317 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:05,999 How'd you ever resist her, Brian? 318 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,267 Well, to be fair, I didn't really have 319 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:09,202 much of a figure in high school. 320 00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:12,239 I kind of looked like that giant red monster from Looney Toons. 321 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,808 You know, with the two hair humps and the big sneakers. 322 00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,910 But not anymore. 323 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,713 Man, she's really sexy, isn't she, Brian? 324 00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:20,848 Nice curvy shape. 325 00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:22,682 Arthur, I hate the word curvy. 326 00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,217 - Don't say curvy. - Womanly. 327 00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:26,086 Well, that makes me sound like Tyne Daly. 328 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:29,689 - Pin-up girl? - I hate that whole culture. 329 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,091 Kat Von D, like-- 330 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,793 Okay, well, I just think you're really sexy. 331 00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:35,095 I mean, isn't she, Brian? 332 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,964 Yeah. 333 00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:38,698 Totally sexy. 334 00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:40,200 Hey, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 335 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:43,303 Oh, that's my bad. 336 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:46,706 You kept saying how hot she was and grabbing her. 337 00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:48,008 I figured you wanted a three-way. 338 00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:50,310 What? No. 339 00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,845 Now, Arthur. 340 00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:54,314 Let's not be hasty. 341 00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:58,185 * 342 00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,087 Tell me this was the upholstery it came with, 343 00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,955 not a choice you made. 344 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,123 Focus. All right. 345 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:06,059 - Hands on 12 and 4. - 12 and 4. 346 00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:10,130 Or 11 and 3, or 10 and-- you know, fuck the clock. 347 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,865 Wherever your hands feel comfortable. 348 00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:13,133 You know, instead of Vice Versa, 349 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,868 I wish this was an audition for Vice. 350 00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:16,870 I don't know anything about dads and sons, 351 00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:18,738 but I could definitely grow some hipster beard 352 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,208 and investigate the Green Party. 353 00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:24,111 Arthur, this guy ignored me all through high school, 354 00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:27,747 and having sex with someone is the cure for being ignored-- 355 00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:29,817 and other slutty things performers say. 356 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:32,185 I am not okay with letting you have sex 357 00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:33,921 with another man in our bed. 358 00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:36,189 Us. Us having sex with another man in our bed. 359 00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:37,757 Have some more rosé. 360 00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:40,994 Uh, I can leave if this is weird. 361 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,130 No. No. No, no, no, no. 362 00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:44,364 Stay where you are, unless you want 363 00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:45,765 to take a shower. 364 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:46,834 Do you want to take a shower? 365 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,168 Am I the only one who's tense? 366 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,302 Let's massage each other. 367 00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,071 Corn cob... 368 00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:53,006 Listen, Arthur. 369 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,308 I know this wasn't planned, but how often do three-ways 370 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:57,344 with this particular ratio come along? 371 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,946 With two guys and a girl? 372 00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,180 You mean a devil's three-way. 373 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,348 That's what it's called, you know. 374 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,050 Listen, we're never gonna have 375 00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:04,918 a sexist three-way with two girls and one guy, 376 00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,786 because I strongly believe in my heart 377 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,355 that men have enough privilege as it is in this society. 378 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,824 Oh, would you just stop being so homophobic about this? 379 00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:12,225 You think I'm being homophobic because I don't want 380 00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:14,027 to take turns fucking you? 381 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,328 This is not a high-traffic bakery. 382 00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,030 I shouldn't have to take a number. 383 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:20,000 Ooh, nice headphones. 384 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,902 Oh, thanks. They're noise-canceling. 385 00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,036 Nice. 386 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:26,273 See? You like him too. 387 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:29,209 Arthur, I love you. 388 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,078 This is important to me. 389 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,952 If it gets weird, can we stop? 390 00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,121 Probably. 391 00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:45,225 Brian? 392 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,927 We're ready. 393 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,962 All right. 394 00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,363 You sure you want to go through with this? 395 00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:52,332 Are you sure you want to go through with this? 396 00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:54,234 Are you sure you wanna go through with this? 397 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,969 (all) Yes. 398 00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,837 [engine turning over] 399 00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,973 (Nate) Okay, great. Now just keep up on the brake. 400 00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:01,408 You don't need to hit the gas for this. 401 00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:04,244 Look at you. 402 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,079 I'm proud of you, man. 403 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,015 You took a risk and you're killing it. 404 00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:10,183 [sighs] 405 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:12,252 - You okay? - I'm fine. 406 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,388 I just haven't heard somebody say he's proud of me in a while. 407 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,224 - Sorry. - No, it's all right. 408 00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:18,926 Be emotional. 409 00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:20,360 You know, I think this remake of Vice Versa 410 00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:24,231 is reminding me of something very important. 411 00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:26,266 I miss my dad. 412 00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:28,969 I wish I would've met him. 413 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,138 Oh, he would've hated you. 414 00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:33,273 [both laugh] 415 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,307 (man) Oh, God, look out! 416 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,009 [crash] What happened? 417 00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:37,911 Man, you got distracted, and you hit something. 418 00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,279 You gave me permission to be emotional. 419 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,081 - Just get out of the van, man. - What? 420 00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:44,217 Get out of the van. 421 00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:46,954 Shh--what the hell? 422 00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:51,424 Oh, my God. Oh, my--oh, my God. 423 00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,293 (Nate) What is it? What is it? What is it, man? 424 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:54,962 Oh, my God. It's bad. 425 00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,029 The bike is all smashed. 426 00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:57,164 What? We hit a cyclist? 427 00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:58,999 Not just any cyclist. 428 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:02,169 We hit David Byrne from the Talking Heads. 429 00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:06,373 I can't believe I hit David Byrne. 430 00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:08,175 - Who the hell is David Burns? - David Byrne! 431 00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:09,909 He was the lead singer of the Talking Heads. 432 00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:11,044 Is. Is the lead singer. 433 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:12,212 He's still alive. 434 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:13,446 Okay, that was my next question. 435 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,415 Yes. I think he's okay. 436 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,051 I mean, some of his recent stuff has been pretty pretentious, 437 00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:20,020 but he gets a lifetime pass for Stop Making Sense. 438 00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:21,188 I mean, he's one of those, 439 00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:22,990 like, ugly guys that Julie likes to fuck-- 440 00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:24,924 Okay. Stop. Stop. Stop talking. 441 00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:26,926 I need you to drive off before somebody gets my license plate. 442 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:28,095 What? This is a crime scene. 443 00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:29,362 I don't care. I'm not gonna be 444 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,198 the black man who killed David Burns. 445 00:15:31,898 --> 00:15:32,332 Oh, really? What happened to, 446 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,167 "Black guys always do the right thing?" 447 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:35,468 Like on What Are You Going To Do? 448 00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:37,137 That is a TV show called What Are You Going-- 449 00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:38,538 Oh, is that a TV show? 450 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:39,739 That is a TV show called What Are You Going To Do? 451 00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:41,541 This is a show on real life 452 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:43,310 called What I'm Gonna Do Right Now. 453 00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:45,145 (man) Can you believe that? You serious? 454 00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:48,548 I need you to put your foot on the gas. 455 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,950 Well, I am sure glad Dr. Cornel West 456 00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:52,485 isn't around to see this. 457 00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:54,087 [engine revving] 458 00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:55,522 [bicycle crushing] 459 00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:59,326 (man) Hey! You just can't drive off, man! 460 00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:00,493 This is not right. 461 00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,129 You are not the boss of me. 462 00:16:02,229 --> 00:16:04,097 Oh, really? I'm shocked and disappointed. 463 00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:05,265 Oh, are you, Dad? 464 00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:06,366 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 465 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,967 We're Vice Versa-ing. 466 00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:09,069 This is it. Yes. 467 00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:10,370 This is what I wanted to do. 468 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,205 Judge Reinhold, Fred Savage. We're doing it. 469 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,373 Yes, Dad and son. 470 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,008 It's all happening. Oh, shit. 471 00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:17,277 I have my callback in 15 minutes. 472 00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:18,378 Fuck David Byrne. 473 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,213 I gotta act. 474 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:24,051 * 475 00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:30,457 Should we get started or... 476 00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:34,127 I thought we did start. 477 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,463 [clears throat] 478 00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,398 Brian, did you get enough quiche? 479 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,433 Yes, everything was delicious, thanks. 480 00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:45,004 I used French butter. 481 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:48,041 [clears throat] 482 00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:49,342 Ow. Ow, my leg. 483 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,543 - Sorry. Sorry. - It's okay. 484 00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,412 It's just my leg. 485 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,415 Come here. 486 00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:03,022 [dog barking] 487 00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:04,491 Shut up, Senator Jellybeans. 488 00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:06,025 Shut up, Greg. 489 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,527 Put a sock in it. 490 00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:19,106 So I have a pitch. 491 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,443 Hi. Billy Epstein. Am I late for my audition? 492 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,178 Almost. I have to be at my fertility 493 00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,180 doctor in 25 minutes, and she's in Syosset. 494 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,349 Okay, well, I spent the day with an amazing father figure, 495 00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:30,550 and I have this role figured out. 496 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:31,551 Oh, thanks. 497 00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,186 (man) There he is. 498 00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:34,421 That's the guy who hit David Burns. 499 00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:35,588 That's the guy who hit what now? 500 00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,124 Officer, it was my fault. 501 00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:39,058 Absolutely not. This is your guy. 502 00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,327 Step outside with me for a minute, son. 503 00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:41,661 No no no, officer, please. No, he was fine. 504 00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:43,196 - I saw the man get up. - Let's go. 505 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:44,664 No, please. I just--please. 506 00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:47,066 - Can I come back tomorrow? - No way. 507 00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,669 You're either in a family film or you're a criminal. 508 00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:51,671 You got the part. Let's go. 509 00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,440 I learned that on A Dolphin's Tale, 510 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,275 and I'm not making that fucking mistake again. 511 00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:56,343 Please, this is ridiculous. 512 00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:57,277 I teach improv. 513 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:02,282 Noodles, that was perfect. Brilliant idea. 514 00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:05,685 I'm glad you approve. 515 00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:08,121 Brian? Any notes? 516 00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,522 You guys both did great. 517 00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:11,224 You seemed to take care of your bodies. 518 00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:12,592 Do we seem like nice people? 519 00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:15,094 Totally. 520 00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:17,230 Hey, why did you ignore me in high school? 521 00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:19,699 'Cause I was high all the time. 522 00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:22,502 You feel better, noodles? 523 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,637 You know, I actually do. 524 00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:29,276 (Brian) [crunching loudly] 525 00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:31,378 I'm sorry, are you eating potato chips? 526 00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:33,313 Yeah. 527 00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,515 [phone vibrating and ringing] 528 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,584 It's my mom, calling late. 529 00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,419 Somebody's probably dead. 530 00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:41,521 God, I hope it's my aunt Bonnie. 531 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:42,555 Hey, Mom? 532 00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:44,324 (Marilyn) Oh, Julie. Oh... 533 00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:45,358 What's wrong? 534 00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:48,461 - Mom. - Whoa! 535 00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,463 - Mom, Mom, Mom. - Oh, Julie. 536 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:52,232 Oh, Julie, thank God you're here. 537 00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:53,533 What happened to your eyes? 538 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,436 Oh, I got some kind of laser lift thing. 539 00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,271 Oh, Marilyn. You're already so beautiful. 540 00:18:58,371 --> 00:19:00,139 Shut up, Arthur. Now that I'm blind, 541 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,509 I can smell your liquor breath even more. 542 00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:04,311 - Point me to the couch. - Okay, it's behind you. 543 00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:06,279 Come on. Here we go. 544 00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:07,547 Oh, thank you. 545 00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,316 Why didn't you tell me about this? 546 00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:10,550 I was embarrassed. 547 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,352 Now my eyes are all swollen. 548 00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:14,254 I'm gonna heal terribly. 549 00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,723 I'm gonna end up looking like Marty fucking Feldman. 550 00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,158 If I look crazy, I deserve to. 551 00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:21,194 Mom, there's a morality to this thing. 552 00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:22,762 If you look your age, you're lazy. 553 00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:26,165 If you've had noticeable plastic surgery, you're shallow. 554 00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:29,436 Women over 20 can't win no matter what. 555 00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:31,304 - Mom, are you sleeping? - No. 556 00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:34,374 No, my mind began to wander when you started to generalize, 557 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:36,309 and then I dozed off. 558 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:40,580 Oh, I'm glad you came. 559 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:41,714 [telephone ringing] 560 00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:44,284 [furniture crashing] 561 00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,319 Is this the night of late night phone calls? 562 00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:48,521 This better be Aunt Bonnie fucking dead. 563 00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:50,690 I hope tonight's the night. 564 00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:51,724 It's Billy. 565 00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:53,726 Hello? 566 00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,462 What? 567 00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:56,729 (Arthur) So David Byrne is okay? 568 00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:58,631 (Billy) Yes, David Byrne is fine. 569 00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:01,334 Alive and well and ready to make music that reminds us 570 00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:03,670 he used to be good. 571 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,272 (Julie) If you don't mind me saying so, 572 00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:06,406 this has been one crazy night. 573 00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:07,707 Well, I'm sorry. 574 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,277 Did you or did you not have a three-way tonight? 575 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:11,678 Kind of. I mean, I didn't get 576 00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:13,346 spit-roasted or anything. 577 00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:15,382 I know. Perchance to dream. 578 00:20:15,482 --> 00:20:16,683 Back on the bucket list it goes. 579 00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:18,585 - Did it help? - Eh. 580 00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:20,353 I still want approval from strangers. 581 00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:22,389 Sorry you didn't get your part, 582 00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:25,392 but on the bright side, maybe you have a new father figure. 583 00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:26,659 Yeah. 584 00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:29,296 I'd rather have approval from strangers. 585 00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:34,233 * 586 00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,502 How are we gonna ask him to leave? 587 00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:36,803 Just like that. 588 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,438 I couldn't believe he fell asleep. 589 00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:40,273 Me neither. What if he wants to do it again? 590 00:20:40,373 --> 00:20:42,241 I think it was a one-and-done for me. 591 00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:43,643 So we'll just deal with it in the morning? 592 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:46,279 I'm not making him breakfast. 593 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:50,317 Well, nothing fancier than hot cereal and a French press. 594 00:20:56,723 --> 00:20:58,625 Oh, my God. 595 00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:02,529 He robbed us. 596 00:21:06,733 --> 00:21:08,701 Okay. 597 00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,703 Did you guys have a devil's three-way in here? 598 00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:12,605 - What? No. - I'm sorry? 599 00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:14,674 Excuse me? Why would you even ask-- 600 00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:17,477 Let's just start from the beginning. 601 00:21:17,577 --> 00:21:18,811 Okay. 602 00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:21,280 I decided to track down a guy from high school 603 00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:23,883 that I always chased because he was so aloof. 604 00:21:23,983 --> 00:21:26,419 (Billy) Meanwhile, across town, a casting director 605 00:21:26,519 --> 00:21:28,788 was asking me very politely to leave the premises, 606 00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:31,724 and I was positive David Byrne had died. 607 00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:34,561 But I got the feedback I was after. 608 00:21:34,661 --> 00:21:35,895 And back in the apartment, 609 00:21:35,995 --> 00:21:37,797 under the dreamy gaze of the former crush 610 00:21:37,897 --> 00:21:39,499 who robbed me blind, 611 00:21:39,599 --> 00:21:41,701 I looked over at my boyfriend, and I realized 612 00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:44,837 to appreciate the approval of the one who already chose you, 613 00:21:44,937 --> 00:21:47,607 sometimes you have to bring in an audience-- 614 00:21:47,707 --> 00:21:49,876 and other slutty things performers say. 615 00:21:49,976 --> 00:21:51,511 [laughter and applause] 616 00:21:51,611 --> 00:21:52,512 Thank you. 617 00:21:52,612 --> 00:21:54,814 Thank you. 618 00:21:56,716 --> 00:21:58,385 - Well, that was fun. - Yeah. 619 00:21:58,485 --> 00:22:00,387 But is it just me or did that room change? 620 00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:02,489 Yeah, that storytelling night used to be a lot cooler. 621 00:22:02,589 --> 00:22:04,357 I know. Now it's so lame. 622 00:22:04,457 --> 00:22:05,692 We shouldn't do it anymore. 623 00:22:05,792 --> 00:22:07,594 I was thinking that. We're too good for that. 624 00:22:07,694 --> 00:22:09,429 I love how we can admit we're wrong now. 625 00:22:09,529 --> 00:22:10,630 - Totally. - I like new us. 626 00:22:10,730 --> 00:22:11,864 - I love new us. - You can't do this! 627 00:22:11,964 --> 00:22:13,366 We're gonna have to let you go. 628 00:22:13,466 --> 00:22:14,867 Let me go? For what reason? 629 00:22:14,967 --> 00:22:16,836 (announcer) Tonight on What Are You Going To Do? 630 00:22:16,936 --> 00:22:19,439 There's no breastfeeding at work. You're fired. 631 00:22:19,539 --> 00:22:20,873 (announcer) When you think no one's looking... 632 00:22:20,973 --> 00:22:23,376 You can't fire me for breastfeeding at work. 633 00:22:23,476 --> 00:22:24,711 (announcer) We are. 634 00:22:24,811 --> 00:22:26,613 I'm not going anywhere. This is my legal right. 635 00:22:26,713 --> 00:22:28,448 You know what I want? A grilled cheese. 636 00:22:28,548 --> 00:22:30,583 Oh, I would love a cheeseburger. 637 00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:32,852 (man) * Ow 638 00:22:32,952 --> 00:22:35,488 * Thought it'd be easy 639 00:22:35,588 --> 00:22:37,924 * Thought they didn't know 640 00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:42,929 * You thought it was the only way to go * 641 00:22:43,029 --> 00:22:45,632 * Another way out 642 00:22:45,732 --> 00:22:47,900 * Found on the way home 643 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,669 * Thought you were living fast 644 00:22:49,769 --> 00:22:52,505 * But you were living slow 645 00:22:52,605 --> 00:23:00,547 *