1 00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:03,271 Excuse me. I have-- 2 00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:04,605 Theater tickets. I'm seeing a matinee. 3 00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:06,474 Oh, Jesus! 4 00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:08,276 That's gonna be a great photo. Take a picture of a cab. 5 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:09,610 Why don't you watch where you're going? 6 00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:12,213 Miss Redhead, could you take our picture? 7 00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:13,714 Hey, you know where I catch the 52 at? 8 00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:15,216 No, I'm not touching that camera. 9 00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:16,384 I don't want swine flu. 10 00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:18,286 I don't know. Who takes the bus? 11 00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:20,221 Okay, but please, can you tell us, 12 00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:22,356 how can we get to 9/11? 13 00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:23,624 Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights? 14 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:24,625 Practice. 15 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,460 Gay rights? 16 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,229 I've done plenty, and to diminishing returns. 17 00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:29,597 Which way is the farmers' market? 18 00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:31,432 What more do you fucking want from me? 19 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,566 You idiot. 20 00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:34,468 My God, you're a grown man on a bike! 21 00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:38,572 [driving punk rock music] 22 00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:39,640 - Hi. - Hello. 23 00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:41,309 Are you ready for Annie? 24 00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:43,311 How dare you ask me something so redundant? 25 00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:44,712 Just a second. I have to finish this tweet. 26 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:49,583 "Till Blue Ivy is old enough to..." 27 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:50,684 Send. 28 00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:52,453 [laughs] 29 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:53,454 That's very funny. 30 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:54,555 Thank you. 31 00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,390 I love Annie. 32 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,392 Isn't it funny how FDR is a total hero in this play 33 00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:00,528 even though in real life, he let millions of Jews die? 34 00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:01,462 Hilarious. 35 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,630 I love that he was born 36 00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:04,265 during a time when handicapped people 37 00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:05,433 still had to wear blankets on their laps. 38 00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,335 Have you heard from Josh? 39 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:09,670 Nope, and it's been over a week, 40 00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:10,771 and we are done. 41 00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:12,673 Oh, I'm so sorry, Billy. 42 00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:13,674 [sighs] 43 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,409 I'm actually very upset. 44 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,378 - Josh was so hot. - Yeah. 45 00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:18,479 And not a moron. 46 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,681 Well, if he broke up with you, clearly he is a moron. 47 00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,316 By the way, your Real Housewives 48 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,651 recap today was hilarious. 49 00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:25,286 - Oh, thank you. - We were dying. 50 00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:26,354 God, I'm so funny when I write 51 00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:27,555 mean things about TV shows. 52 00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:29,557 How come no one's hired me to write for one? 53 00:01:29,657 --> 00:01:31,625 Because our lives are garbage and it's the world's fault. 54 00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:35,463 Ugh. I hate this time of year. 55 00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:38,566 My light spring jacket is soaked with both pollen and snow. 56 00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:40,534 I wish I never had to go outside. 57 00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,570 Well, that's why I've always been an indoors kid. 58 00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:45,406 I used to spend every recess in the school library 59 00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:46,707 even when it was beautiful outside. 60 00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:47,741 That's adorable. 61 00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:49,377 I have such fond memories 62 00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:51,545 about the water fountain in that library. 63 00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:53,447 It had the most delicious water. 64 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,716 That is so weird, because my school library 65 00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:57,751 had an incredible water fountain also. 66 00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,387 You know what would be smart? 67 00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:00,388 Hmm? 68 00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:01,355 What if we went into-- 69 00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:06,494 [softly] What if we went into business 70 00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:09,697 selling bottled library water fountain water? 71 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,499 Okay, this is gonna sound insane, 72 00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:13,734 but I met somebody who sells water in milk cartons 73 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,703 as an alternative to bottled water. 74 00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,538 It's, like, good for the environment. 75 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,340 Doesn't the water inside taste like milk? 76 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:20,341 I don't think so. 77 00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:21,342 Seems like it would. 78 00:02:21,442 --> 00:02:22,310 [children laughing] 79 00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:24,412 God, I hate the sound of children laughing. 80 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,546 [loudly] Oh, shit! 81 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,348 Annie is an understudy today, 82 00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:28,516 and her name is Taylor. 83 00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:29,417 This generation! 84 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,419 I swear to God, if she blows this role, 85 00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,387 I will strap down my tits and get up on that stage. 86 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:34,488 Excuse me. 87 00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:36,424 Could you please watch your language? 88 00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:39,360 Oh, my God. I am so s-- 89 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:40,594 Miss, miss, I am so sorry. 90 00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:42,463 It's okay. 91 00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:43,531 - We can't do that at all. - We can't do that. 92 00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:44,765 I'm sorry. I think you can. 93 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:45,833 - We are seeing Annie. - I paid $120. 94 00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:47,635 What is this, the Paper Bag Players? 95 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:48,836 - I can say "shit" if I want to. - This is Broadway. 96 00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:50,371 You-- Hey. 97 00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:51,639 - Hey, hey. - Hey, hey. 98 00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:54,742 I would pay $120 for both of you to leave right now. 99 00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,444 This is a public place, and you know what? 100 00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:57,678 We're not seeing the real Annie. 101 00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:59,447 You're not seeing the real Annie today. 102 00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:00,514 Do not talk to my children. 103 00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:01,515 Do you know what an understudy is? 104 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:02,816 You are terrifying my children. 105 00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:04,652 - [blows raspberry] - I'm not t--Terrifying? 106 00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:05,819 - You are terrifying. - I told them a fact of life. 107 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:07,388 You're a terrifying person. 108 00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:08,556 Nobody wants to see an understudy. 109 00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:09,623 I'm terrifying? You don't know me. 110 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:10,658 - I do know you. - Excuse me? 111 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:11,692 An understudy is-- it's, like, 112 00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:12,693 a fancy word for disappointment. 113 00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:17,431 [upbeat rock music] 114 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,734 * 115 00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,603 [door clicks open] 116 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:23,604 [dog woofs] 117 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:24,605 [gasps] Hi, babies. 118 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,673 Hi, angels. 119 00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:26,807 Hi, noodles. 120 00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:28,442 Hello, Arthur. 121 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:29,710 - What are you slicing? - A quince. 122 00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,445 It's like an apple combined with a pear. 123 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,880 Somebody at the office wrote a book about them. 124 00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:34,648 Really, somebody in public television 125 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,517 wrote a book about something boring? 126 00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:37,651 Ah, you. 127 00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:38,652 Here, I made you a plate. 128 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:40,754 Thank you, but you know how I feel about fruit 129 00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:42,856 that's not in proximity to crust or cream. 130 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:44,658 Oh. 131 00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,894 Hey, you know Gabby's Oscar party this Sunday? 132 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:49,530 I've been thinking about it, and I think it would be better 133 00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,532 if I stayed home and live tweeted the Oscars 134 00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:53,401 in my pajamas instead. 135 00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,469 Gabby's my boss. She's a big deal at PBS. 136 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,670 Come on, cara seed, 137 00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,572 I ask so little of you. 138 00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:00,708 I know. That's why we work. 139 00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:02,576 [soft piano music playing] 140 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,678 - Uh-oh. - What? 141 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,680 I tweeted something about Blue Ivy earlier, 142 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,882 and now the Internet's being really mean to me. 143 00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:10,718 "Unfollow. Kill yourself." 144 00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,820 From SpinClassAddict91. 145 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,689 Oh, my God, that's probably the year she was born. 146 00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:17,425 What was the joke? 147 00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:18,659 "I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough 148 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,428 for R. Kelly to piss on her." 149 00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:21,562 Aha. 150 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:22,563 I hate this. 151 00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:23,764 I hate fighting with people. 152 00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,466 I just like saying something crazy 153 00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:26,867 and then leaving the room. 154 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,603 Unless people like what I say, and then I stay in the room. 155 00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:31,572 I know. I've met you before. 156 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,941 I'm gonna delete this piss baby tweet. 157 00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:39,447 * 158 00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:40,914 I want the fries, 159 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:43,617 but I think I should just get the salad instead. 160 00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:45,453 Eh, I'll be good. 161 00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:47,855 Hello. 162 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:48,722 How can you think about food? 163 00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:49,957 Huffington Post just tweeted 164 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:51,625 about what George and Amal Clooney 165 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:52,693 would look like as Simpson characters. 166 00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:54,662 Come on. 167 00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:55,863 No. 168 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,731 Hey, Billy, you okay? 169 00:04:57,831 --> 00:04:58,899 (Billy) I'm fine. 170 00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,568 I mean, you know, I'm in my mid-30s. 171 00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,603 I am waiting tables poorly. 172 00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:03,871 I spent the better part of last night 173 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,639 Facebook stalking my ex. 174 00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:07,641 And according to NCI whatever the fuck it is, 175 00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,477 even Linda Hunt is more castable than me. 176 00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:10,778 So I'm doing great. Thanks so much. 177 00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:13,481 Oh, thank you, sweet Matthew, 178 00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:15,583 for another morning full of wonderful memories. 179 00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:16,850 - Hey, where you guys been? - Hey. 180 00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,519 Where have you been? 181 00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:19,620 I'm covering the whole place by myself. 182 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:20,688 We had to get outfits 183 00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:21,889 for our mother-son photo shoot. 184 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,825 Oh, sad old Billy. 185 00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,660 He only ever gets to go shopping 186 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,730 for antidepressants and Metamucil wafers. 187 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:30,764 You know what, Matthew? 188 00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:32,566 Sometimes when I hear you speak, 189 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,535 I think I should join the Westboro Baptist Church. 190 00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:36,737 Ever since I was told that I couldn't have children... 191 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:37,738 By yourself. 192 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:38,906 Because I hate them, 193 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,674 I've only been sad about not having 194 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,710 mother-son photos in matching outfits. 195 00:05:42,810 --> 00:05:44,578 Oh, that's when I told diva here 196 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:47,748 that we may not be blood, but we are family. 197 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,684 Oh, sing, bird. Sing. 198 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:51,919 You go, girl. 199 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,587 Uh-uh-uh-uh. It is Denise. 200 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,689 No, baby, go easy on Billy today. 201 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:56,924 Josh just broke up with him. 202 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,592 That's the guy that's cute and sweet 203 00:05:58,692 --> 00:05:59,993 in a Paul Rudd-ish way, and that's rare. 204 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,696 We all got problems. Get your ass back to work. 205 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,798 And you, I got a gift for you. 206 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:05,899 - Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm. 207 00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,601 [laughs] 208 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,970 I'm sorry. Does anybody work here? 209 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,939 Oh, yeah, I'll be back to help you 210 00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,808 and the rest of the Traveling Wilburys in a second. 211 00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:19,713 * 212 00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:20,748 Hi, Mom. 213 00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:21,949 Oh, hi. 214 00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:24,918 Don't you look pretty when you smile? 215 00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:25,919 Aw. 216 00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:27,721 - Hey. - Mwah. 217 00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:28,956 Honey, do you know this Lena Dunham? 218 00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:30,858 Yeah, actually, uh-- 219 00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:33,794 Apparently she's doing great, and she's younger than you. 220 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:34,962 She has tattoos. 221 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,697 Anyway, this article says 222 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:39,833 that it's a great time now for women in comedy. 223 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,835 That's very helpful. Thanks, Mom. 224 00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,003 So aren't you gonna ask me 225 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:45,639 if I finished my hypnosis course? 226 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,841 Wow, that would have been a breakneck pace 227 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,644 for a change of subjects if both subjects weren't you. 228 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,646 I finished my hypnosis course. 229 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,682 When can I practice on you? 230 00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:55,916 You're not hypnotizing me. 231 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,651 It's not like I tell you you're a chicken 232 00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:58,919 and then you act like a chicken. 233 00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,721 That very well may be, 234 00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:01,989 but I still don't want you to do it. 235 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,725 You're lucky to have a mom who's a shrink. 236 00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,594 Yes, I'm a walking gratitude list. 237 00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:07,761 Yeah. 238 00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,630 I asked for sparkling. How's Billy? 239 00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:10,831 He's good. 240 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,032 You know, he is just getting over this guy 241 00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:13,667 is the only thing. 242 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:14,768 Josh? I don't know of you-- 243 00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,637 - I can hypnotize him. - Hmm. 244 00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:17,805 It's not like I tell him he's a chicken, 245 00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:21,008 then all of a sudden, he becomes a chicken or something. 246 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,911 Did you get that article I sent you about Palestine? 247 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,012 Yes. 248 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,647 Because I'm about to resend it. 249 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:27,981 There we are. 250 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,683 What else? 251 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:35,623 * 252 00:07:35,723 --> 00:07:38,759 What's more of a turnoff, veganism or Judaica? 253 00:07:38,859 --> 00:07:39,793 I don't know. 254 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:40,794 Judaica. 255 00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:41,962 Yes! Yes. 256 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:43,797 If I was going out with a guy 257 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,899 and there was a big clay mezuzah hanging outside his place, 258 00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,902 I'd be like, "Is the circumcise experience worth it?" 259 00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,638 Is that anti-Semitic of us, 260 00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,105 or is that not possible because we're Jewish? 261 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,907 Oh, it's possible. 262 00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:55,643 Oh, that's right, 'cause you hate other gay guys. 263 00:07:55,743 --> 00:07:57,911 No, I do not hate other gay pe-- Yes, I do. 264 00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,813 I get very homophobic when I go to my gym. 265 00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:01,048 These are delicious. 266 00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,049 Hi. 267 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,050 (Julie) Hello. 268 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,051 Nice to see you again. 269 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,018 Remind me. 270 00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,687 Uh, the UCB party last week. 271 00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:08,021 - Right. - I'm Julie. 272 00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,056 - Hi. - Yes. 273 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,724 [clears throat] 274 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,927 So you two are in comedy. 275 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,963 Yes. Unfortunately, yes. 276 00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:17,831 (man) Nice, nice. 277 00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:19,667 Do you like Daniel Tosh? 278 00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:24,672 You know the water business, right? 279 00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:27,074 We admittedly don't know anything about that, 280 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,842 but we have an amazing idea. 281 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,043 It occurred to Billy recently-- 282 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,745 Well, occurred to Julie. 283 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,080 (Julie) Well, it occurred to both of us 284 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,748 at the same time-- when this goes, 285 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:35,983 we'll figure out the credit later. 286 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,851 We're not people who argue about credits. 287 00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,086 (Julie) It occurred to us 288 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,822 that water from library water fountains is by far 289 00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:44,157 the coldest, most delicious water in the world. 290 00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:47,728 So why not bottle it? 291 00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:50,964 Well, we don't bottle here. 292 00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:52,900 We're boxed water. 293 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,702 Have you seen our cartons? 294 00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:56,103 They're really cool. They're biodegradable. 295 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,938 Doesn't the water inside of those taste like milk? 296 00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,773 - No. - Not even a little bit? 297 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:00,808 Not even a little bit. 298 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:01,809 Seems like it would. 299 00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,076 They're new containers. 300 00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:04,778 They're not made from recycled milk boxes. 301 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:05,979 Still seems like the water inside 302 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:07,715 would taste a little milky. 303 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,985 Well, did you want me to sample your-- 304 00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:12,986 What's it called again? 305 00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:15,222 Library water fountain water. 306 00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:17,024 We don't have any with us. 307 00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:19,893 Okay. 308 00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,795 Listen, this is a great idea. 309 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,764 Just tap into your memories of being a little kid 310 00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:25,132 at the library, surrounded by books. 311 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,734 Do you know what we're talking about, 312 00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:27,968 that library water fountain water? 313 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,069 It's so crisp and cold and delicious. 314 00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:31,004 The smell of library books was, like, kind of sweet... 315 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:32,105 From when you were a kid? You know what I mean? 316 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,141 And like postage stamps-- and the librarian. 317 00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:35,876 People don't even remember that they loved that, 318 00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:37,745 but if they just had it in a bottle-- 319 00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:39,146 I mean, this, no one wants to carry this. 320 00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:41,815 If they just had it a nice, you know, bottle, 321 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,216 a plastic bottle, a glass bottle. 322 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:44,818 (Julie) Like a plastic bottle. 323 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,153 He doesn't seem like a book person. 324 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,021 No, you seem more like a kickball-at-recess type. 325 00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,056 Maybe that's what it is. 326 00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:50,758 He wasn't in the library. 327 00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:51,892 That's the problem. He doesn't get it. 328 00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:52,926 Oh, that's what it is! 329 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:56,029 Because he was the first guy picked for kickball. 330 00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:58,165 Exactly. We didn't ever get picked. 331 00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,833 (Julie) No. 332 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,268 We're not athletic people. 333 00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:02,870 We're not, you know-- we're not Chelsea Clinton. 334 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:03,904 - Yeah. - You know? 335 00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,773 We're barely Chelsea Handler. 336 00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,040 You must love her. 337 00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,943 Oh! Oh, she's so bad. 338 00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,011 Oh! Oh! 339 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,012 Oh, she's so naughty. 340 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,246 No, she says what I think. 341 00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:14,948 "I got drunk last-- I'm so drunk, I"-- 342 00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,216 "My bachelorette party." 343 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,918 "I've been so drunk for the last five years, 344 00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,119 I haven't written a joke." 345 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:21,021 [Julie laughs] 346 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:24,191 Yeah, I don't know how I can help you two. 347 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,059 Put it in a bottle. 348 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,896 - We don't bottle here. - Right, but you can. 349 00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:31,198 That's the whole thing. You know water, right? 350 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,267 Are those your kids? 351 00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,136 Yes. 352 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,271 That's Memphis, and that's Maverick. 353 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,207 What? 354 00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,175 The girl's name is Memphis, 355 00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:44,277 and the boy's name is Maverick. 356 00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:47,080 What? 357 00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,082 The girl's name is Memphis, 358 00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,852 and the boy's name is Maverick. 359 00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:54,888 (both) We have to go. 360 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:55,956 Thank you. 361 00:10:56,056 --> 00:11:02,095 * 362 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,831 What are you recapping? 363 00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:04,965 Oh, Vanderpump Rules. 364 00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:05,833 Oh! 365 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,000 God, if these idiots 366 00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:08,001 were the characters in Angels in America, 367 00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,237 nobody would have cared when any of them dropped dead. 368 00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:11,972 Yeah, well, that's why Tony Kushner 369 00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:13,240 went in a different direction. 370 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:14,908 (Nate) No, no, no, no, no. 371 00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:16,243 You got to get Julie up out of here, man. 372 00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:18,311 No, Nate, I need Julie here today. 373 00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,080 Josh just broke up with me, 374 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,915 and I need her here in case I have a feeling. 375 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,150 Yeah, I'm basically like his service rabbit. 376 00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:24,251 Oh, you know what we should do? 377 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,253 We should get me a vest that says: 378 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:27,955 "Emotional support animal. 379 00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:29,156 "Do not touch or talk to. 380 00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:31,024 Please feed." 381 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,225 Oh, my God, I have to stop 382 00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:33,927 following Deadline on Twitter. 383 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,095 Why? What happened? 384 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,263 Remember that girl Stephanie Goldstein 385 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:37,931 from our improv class? 386 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,867 Oh, the one that never heard of Monty Python? 387 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:41,902 Yeah. She just signed with CAA. 388 00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:42,903 Shut up. 389 00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:43,937 It was just announced. 390 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,038 When's it gonna be our turn? 391 00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,040 Everybody we came up with in comedy 392 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,909 has either quit to start a family 393 00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:51,278 or gone on to great success in film and television. 394 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:54,014 I know, and I'm sitting here checking Twitter 395 00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,916 for faves and retweets and just keep pressing-- 396 00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,250 Who faved me? Who faved me? 397 00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:58,351 Oh, Andy Richter faved me. 398 00:11:58,451 --> 00:12:00,053 Oh, this is the best day ever. 399 00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,288 Like I'm fucking pressing 400 00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:04,057 for some pain medication in a hospital. 401 00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,292 And I'm looking for reassurance 402 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:07,194 that I should have probably gotten from my mother 403 00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,163 from Internet commenters who say, "Great recap, Julie," 404 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,065 and, "Boy, that sure was good," 405 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:14,334 even though deep down, I know that... 406 00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:17,070 [sighs] I'll never be enough. 407 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,039 Excuse me. I hate to interrupt. 408 00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:22,075 I can tell, clearly, you're going through a lot here, 409 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:23,343 but could I get this to go? 410 00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:25,913 I'm late for chemo. 411 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,117 (Matthew) Our photo shoot was unfleek. 412 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,184 (Denise) You were flawless. 413 00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:32,419 No, you were flawless. 414 00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:35,088 Ah, we both were gorgeous. 415 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,324 [gasps] Billy, get rid of her. 416 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,192 I just bought a lottery ticket, 417 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,995 and I can't have some copper-top curse hanging around. 418 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,997 Denise, you have a business degree from Holy Cross. 419 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:46,199 Please stop pretending that you're an unreasonable person. 420 00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:47,935 Redheads are not bad luck. 421 00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:49,302 (Denise) Mm-hmm. 422 00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,171 Well, I know one person who's clearly jinxed. 423 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,272 Billy. 424 00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:54,207 Matthew, that's enough. 425 00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:57,077 Sorry that NAMBLA doesn't have a "ones to watch" section 426 00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:58,211 in their monthly newsletter 427 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,180 that you could use as a press clipping. 428 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,215 [scoffs] 429 00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:04,151 Oh, I forgot to mention. 430 00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:07,354 When Denise and I were walking over here, we saw Josh. 431 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,056 He was holding hands with another guy 432 00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:10,958 and smiling really big. 433 00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:16,964 Do you want to take a walk around the block? 434 00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:19,366 We can talk about Susan Sarandon. 435 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,469 Beats taking deep breaths. 436 00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:24,972 Okay, Ping-Pong: why? 437 00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:26,473 Does she still have the Ping-Pong bar? 438 00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:28,108 As far as I know. 439 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:29,376 It's not a pizza place yet. 440 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,111 [sighs] She can do anything. 441 00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:32,279 Geena Davis. You think they're friends? 442 00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:33,280 (Billy) I think they email. 443 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:38,118 [upbeat music] 444 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:42,022 * 445 00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:44,091 So why don't you tell me why you're here today, Billy? 446 00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:45,458 I'd like to eat less pasta. 447 00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:47,160 I thought there was a boy. 448 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,361 Yeah, there's a boy too-- 449 00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:50,030 his name is Josh-- I'm trying to get over, 450 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:51,398 but honestly, if you could just hypnotize me 451 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,101 to stop eating pasta all the goddamn time, 452 00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:55,235 I'd be thrilled. 453 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,236 I'm not eating sugar right now. 454 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:57,370 Takes a lot of resolve. 455 00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,139 - Okay. - Yeah. 456 00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:00,273 Anyway, we could talk all day, 457 00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:01,374 but why don't you lie down 458 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:02,375 and we'll get you hypnotized? 459 00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:03,977 Okay. 460 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,981 Okay, get yourself settled. Good. 461 00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:10,383 Now, what I want you to do now, Billy, 462 00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:15,122 is close your eyes and take some deep breaths. 463 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,393 How's this thing work? 464 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:24,131 Wait a minute. We got to turn it on. 465 00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:26,133 What? Okay, now I'm watching a video. 466 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:28,201 Do you need me to do something or... 467 00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:30,170 Oh, there it goes. Okay. 468 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:33,006 [water lapping] 469 00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:35,442 Now, what I want you to do is picture a staircase. 470 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:38,011 You're at the bottom of the staircase now. 471 00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:42,049 And when you reach the top, you'll be hypnotized. 472 00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:45,252 I have a very breathy voice, and I'm very good at this, 473 00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:47,420 so just let go. 474 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,090 This is your time. 475 00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:52,359 This is all about you. 476 00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:55,395 Think about the shoes you're wearing. 477 00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:57,530 How do they feel? 478 00:14:57,630 --> 00:15:00,533 I usually wear Aerosoles. 479 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,135 I also like Merrells. 480 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,537 Zappos.com is terrific. 481 00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,439 Are you still hypnotizing me? 482 00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:10,110 Yes. Take another deep breath. 483 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:12,112 Ah, you're on the fourth step now. 484 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:14,481 Your hands and your legs are heavy. 485 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,449 Congratulations. 486 00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:19,119 You are hypnotized. 487 00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:20,487 Okay. 488 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,322 Billy, seriously, 489 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,457 you have got to knock it off with the pasta. 490 00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,093 All right. 491 00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:27,460 Okay, and what's this guy's name? 492 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,296 Josh. 493 00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:31,131 From now on, you're not gonna think about him anymore. 494 00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:32,132 Got it. 495 00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:33,200 Okay, good. 496 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,402 Now I'd like to take the time 497 00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,270 to bonus hypnotize you 498 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,406 to call a car service if you ever find yourself 499 00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:41,274 in a deserted neighborhood. 500 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:44,177 I do not like to think of you and Julie 501 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:47,080 wandering around Brooklyn or wherever at night. 502 00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,481 Okay. 503 00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:51,118 I mean, can you imagine being in a strange neighborhood 504 00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:53,220 and having to find a restaurant so you can ask them 505 00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:55,088 if you could use their bathroom? 506 00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:57,257 And then you'd have to order-- I don't know-- 507 00:15:58,258 --> 00:15:59,326 plantains or something before they'd let you, 508 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,129 and what if you didn't have your cell phone? 509 00:16:02,229 --> 00:16:04,231 Why wouldn't I have my cell phone? 510 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,299 Because teenagers steal them. 511 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:07,400 This is a trend. 512 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,169 I read about it in The Wall Street Journal. 513 00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:10,370 You did? 514 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,105 Yeah, they've got local stories too 515 00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:14,174 and great articles on TV. 516 00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:16,443 Apparently it's a big time for women in comedy. 517 00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:19,112 Yeah, no, I love women in comedy. 518 00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:22,115 Billy, does Julie have a shot? 519 00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:23,416 I think so. 520 00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:26,586 I think she's funny, but none of my friends do. 521 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:29,122 * 522 00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:31,124 - Hi! - Gabby. 523 00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:32,459 Don't those shoes look comfortable? 524 00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:35,128 Thank you. Come on in. 525 00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:38,131 Guys, this is Julie and Arthur. 526 00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:40,400 Do you guys like seaweed or coconut water? 527 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,302 We're not serving either. 528 00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:43,536 We were just talking about food right before you got here. 529 00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,538 (woman) Everybody please look down. 530 00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:47,274 I lost my earring. 531 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:48,641 It's made entirely of hemp. 532 00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:51,311 I'm at a terrible party. 533 00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:54,181 Hi, I'm Billy. Julie invited me to your home. 534 00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:55,282 - Oh. - Hi. 535 00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:56,383 - Oh. - Hi, Billy. 536 00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:58,185 - Thank God. - Hi. So Mira Sorvino... 537 00:16:58,285 --> 00:17:00,287 So I was just telling Gabby how you and Billy 538 00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:02,522 might be on your phones all night tweeting the Oscars, 539 00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,324 so she shouldn't get offended. 540 00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:05,525 I don't get Twitter. 541 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,294 Why would I want to let everyone know 542 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,362 what I had for lunch today? 543 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,164 But wait, can you delete a tweet 544 00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:13,233 or a twit or whatever if you want to? 545 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:14,567 Yeah, um, just the other day, 546 00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:17,404 I tweeted something about Blue Ivy that I took down. 547 00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,572 Blue Ivy? She is so cute. 548 00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:21,208 Oh, Julie, this is Kathy. 549 00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,376 Hi, don't I know you? 550 00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:26,546 I don't think so, but I think we have the same iPhone case. 551 00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:27,580 Do you like Taylor Swift? 552 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,516 Oh, God, no, no. This is ironic. 553 00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,284 I actually bought it with Diet Coke coupons 554 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,320 after my last phone fell into a touch tank 555 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,255 at the Coney Island aquarium. 556 00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:36,256 Long story. 557 00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:37,457 [laughs] 558 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:40,593 So what did you say about Blue Ivy? 559 00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:42,595 I swear I feel like we've met. 560 00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,464 I said something like, 561 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:47,467 "I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough"-- 562 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,469 Gosh, she's already so big, right? 563 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:50,537 Yeah. 564 00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:52,272 Somebody mute the commercials. 565 00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,507 "I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough..." 566 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:55,508 [TV mutes] 567 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:56,609 "For R. Kelly to piss on her." 568 00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:57,644 Because, you know, R. Kelly 569 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,512 likes pissing on children-- 570 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,348 who are older than infants, allegedly, 571 00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,383 but, you know, not by much. 572 00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,218 I mean, he's basically a sex offender 573 00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:09,289 and, depending on, you know, whether the charges are true, 574 00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,291 allegedly a pedophile. 575 00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:13,226 Allegedly. 576 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:16,529 Mmm. 577 00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:22,402 Yeah, I remember who you are now. 578 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,637 You sat behind me at Annie with your gay friend. 579 00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:27,207 There was a small earthquake in L.A., but don't worry. 580 00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:28,208 Emmy Rossum is fine. 581 00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:29,409 Oh, thank God. 582 00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,378 Oh, yeah, I remember the both of you. 583 00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:32,645 Oh, hi! 584 00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,214 Hi! 585 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,615 You're both disgusting people. 586 00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:38,318 And you, you think it's funny to make jokes 587 00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:40,220 about urinating on children? 588 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,455 Obviously I don't, because I took down the tweet. 589 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:44,357 You only took it down because you got in trouble. 590 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,592 Of course I did. 591 00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:47,360 If people loved it, I would have left it up. 592 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:49,296 Noodles, come on. The show's back on. 593 00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:51,564 Let's watch TV and pretend what just happened didn't happen. 594 00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:53,300 You know, we may be missing 595 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,567 a crucial red carpet moment with Giuliana Rancic. 596 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,369 What if she interacts with Maria Menounos? 597 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,238 - [gasps] Could you imagine? - I'd kill myself. 598 00:18:58,338 --> 00:18:59,339 Well, the two of their matchstick bodies 599 00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:00,607 would probably create a giant fire. 600 00:19:00,707 --> 00:19:02,242 You could just throw yourself right into it. 601 00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:03,243 You know that's how Gene Siskel died? 602 00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:05,278 Julie, Billy, please. 603 00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:06,646 This is a work party. 604 00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:08,248 I need you two to be more polite 605 00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:09,316 to non-each-other people, okay? 606 00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:10,617 Just for tonight. 607 00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:12,419 I'm so sorry, Arthur. We will keep a low profile. 608 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:13,520 [doorbell rings] 609 00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,488 Hey! 610 00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,257 We brought hummus and MDMA. 611 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,525 I'm so sorry. 612 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:19,626 I invited some people over without your permission. 613 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,328 Hi. Come in. Come in. Come in. 614 00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:22,362 Hey, guys. 615 00:19:22,462 --> 00:19:24,531 [toilet flushes] 616 00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:25,632 Oh, no. 617 00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:26,666 Kevin, do you know her? 618 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,535 Yes, we met the other day. 619 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,437 She came in to pitch me library water. 620 00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:31,771 Would you keep your voice down? 621 00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:33,473 No one's gonna steal that idea. 622 00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:35,675 Wait, why are you two holding hands? 623 00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,410 We're married, idiot. 624 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:38,778 Remember, I showed you a photo of our kids? 625 00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,547 Mentos and Marlboro. 626 00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,415 Memphis and Maverick. 627 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:43,650 [doorbell rings] How are they? 628 00:19:43,750 --> 00:19:45,418 Billy, we invited some more people over! 629 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,421 Hi, I'm Josh. 630 00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:49,389 (Gabby) Hi. 631 00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:52,559 Hey, Josh. 632 00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:54,461 Hey. How are you? 633 00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:55,695 I'm--I'm great. 634 00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:56,696 Good, good. 635 00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:57,664 Can I take your coat? 636 00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,366 Yeah, sure. 637 00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:01,401 Sorry, I never know what to wear in this weather. 638 00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:03,536 Yeah, I know, it's like it's cold and it's hot 639 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:04,671 and it's cold and it's hot, 640 00:20:04,771 --> 00:20:06,573 and I put on my light spring jacket, 641 00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:08,408 and it ends up getting soaked with pollen and snow, and-- 642 00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:09,542 Is that a yarmulke? 643 00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:10,643 Yeah. 644 00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,312 You know I started going to shul more? 645 00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:13,413 No, no. 646 00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:14,414 Good-bye. 647 00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:17,817 * 648 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,452 Where are we, even? 649 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:20,487 It's been forever. 650 00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:21,821 I really have to pee. 651 00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:24,457 Train's only a block away-- or it should be. 652 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,593 So you're telling me you're completely over Josh just now? 653 00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:27,794 Yup. 654 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,596 I have no feelings for him whatsoever. 655 00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:30,663 And you don't think that has anything to do 656 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:31,798 with my mom hypnotizing you? 657 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,400 No. You saw him. 658 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:34,501 He's the type of Jewish guy 659 00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:35,702 that wears a yarmulke all the time. 660 00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:37,470 What about pasta? 661 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,472 Oh, I'd stick my dick in a bowl of pasta right now. 662 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,474 Okay, this is where the train's supposed to be. 663 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:42,475 Ghost train. 664 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,511 Look, we are never going to find the subway, 665 00:20:44,611 --> 00:20:45,612 so can we please just get a car? 666 00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:47,347 I'll get an Uber. 667 00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:48,615 I can't believe that Latin restaurant 668 00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:50,750 wouldn't let me use their bathroom. 669 00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:52,419 Oh, no. 670 00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:53,486 Look. 671 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,522 This isn't my phone. 672 00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:58,758 That garbage person Kathy must have taken mine. 673 00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,360 Arthur, could you call a car? 674 00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:02,362 I really have to go to the bathroom. 675 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:04,364 Well, I'm sure she'll give yours back when she realizes. 676 00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:05,465 She's not a total monster. 677 00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:06,766 Says the driver's 18 minutes away. 678 00:21:06,866 --> 00:21:08,868 Oh, I can't hold it for that long. 679 00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:11,504 Julie, you are not going to piss yourself on this street. 680 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:12,839 Now it says he's 23 minutes away. 681 00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,641 No, no, no, no, no, no. 682 00:21:14,741 --> 00:21:16,643 I'll read you some Oscar tweets to distract you. 683 00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:18,611 Ready? Listen. Here's one from Gabe. 684 00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:21,548 He said, "This is a big comeback for Natalie Portman, 685 00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:24,784 who was unemployed for almost nine years before turning nine." 686 00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:25,885 That's funny. 687 00:21:25,985 --> 00:21:27,554 - Driver unavailable. - Oh! 688 00:21:27,654 --> 00:21:28,555 I'll read you some more. 689 00:21:28,655 --> 00:21:30,590 Here's one from-- 690 00:21:30,690 --> 00:21:32,392 Wait, here's one from you. 691 00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:33,526 What? 692 00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,395 From, like, a half hour ago. 693 00:21:35,495 --> 00:21:36,529 How is that possible? 694 00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:39,399 Holy shit. 695 00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:43,503 "I'm a jerk who hates kids with cool names 696 00:21:43,603 --> 00:21:46,539 "and thinks it's funny when children get pissed on 697 00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:50,410 when in fact I deserve to get pissed on." 698 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,883 [urine trickling] 699 00:21:56,983 --> 00:21:59,819 Touché, Kathy. 700 00:21:59,919 --> 00:22:01,554 Touché. 701 00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:02,655 [thunder rumbling] 702 00:22:02,755 --> 00:22:04,724 (man) * Ow 703 00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:07,460 * Thought it'd be easy 704 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,829 * Thought they didn't know 705 00:22:09,929 --> 00:22:14,834 * You thought it was the only way to go * 706 00:22:14,934 --> 00:22:17,704 * Another way out 707 00:22:17,804 --> 00:22:19,939 * Found on the way home 708 00:22:20,039 --> 00:22:21,674 * Thought you were living fast 709 00:22:21,774 --> 00:22:24,477 * But you were living slow 710 00:22:24,577 --> 00:22:32,452 *