1 00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:05,043 [driving punk rock music] 2 00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:06,539 (Julie) This is so exciting. 3 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,240 Our first meeting with a comedy manager. 4 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,082 Oh, I love going out to breakfast 5 00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:12,048 because no one ever judges you for not getting a salad. 6 00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:13,376 I'll judge you. 7 00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:15,351 You two are so bloody funny together. 8 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,389 Richard, in Australia are the kangaroos 9 00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:18,585 as prevalent as squirrels? 10 00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,016 I could beat up a kangaroo. 11 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,221 - You could not. - Yes, I could. 12 00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:22,422 - You could not. - I'd have no reason to, 13 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,163 but I could. 14 00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:25,428 Are you looking for representation? 15 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,356 Oh, my God, are you kidding? Always. Yes. 16 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:28,401 That was easy. 17 00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:30,326 Yes, we have a manager now. 18 00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:31,431 All right, slow down. 19 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,302 Let's start this gradually. 20 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,201 We'll try a few things and build a relationship. 21 00:00:35,303 --> 00:00:36,573 I'd like to have a relationship with a fresh kangaroo. 22 00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:38,110 I'd pop him right in the nose. 23 00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:39,306 Give him the ol' paintbrush. 24 00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,137 You're obsessed with kangaroos. 25 00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:42,382 Are you interested in writing jobs? 26 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,206 - Yes, yes. - Oh, God, yes. Of course. 27 00:00:44,312 --> 00:00:45,482 I'd like any job where I'm considered 28 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:47,219 the person with the most social skills. 29 00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:49,475 And I've always hated pants with zippers. 30 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,393 Even Later with Chris Hardwick is looking. 31 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:54,185 After Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, Carson Daly-- 32 00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:57,088 it's a live show that recaps the entire late night block. 33 00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:59,061 Exactly what we needed. I've been saying that. 34 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,630 Yeah, finally. 35 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,228 (Billy) So in the packet, what do we have to write? 36 00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:03,560 Monologue jokes. Twitter hashtag games. 37 00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:06,234 Great. We will kill it. We will crush it. 38 00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:07,644 It's due tomorrow morning. 39 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,595 I am so ready to write television 40 00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:13,174 instead of just watching it and recapping it. 41 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,614 This is huge, Billy. 42 00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:15,678 Do you realize how many people started out 43 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:17,376 as late night television writers? 44 00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,078 Mel Brooks, Woody Allen. 45 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:20,510 I know, I can't wait to marry my own daughter 46 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,484 and start writing terrible movie scripts ten years ago. 47 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,123 I'm so proud of Woody Allen. 48 00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:25,548 He paid so many dues and he finally got 49 00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:26,653 what he was always wanted. 50 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:28,324 (both) An Amazon series. 51 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:32,432 [driving punk rock music] 52 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,356 Hello, Billy. Noodles. 53 00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:35,632 Why are surrounded with the vestiges 54 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:37,399 of print journalism? 55 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:39,498 We have an opportunity to be television writers. 56 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,340 Yes, we are looking at newspapers 57 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,465 because we have to write jokes about current events. 58 00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,541 Which newspapers are bursting with. 59 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:47,509 [sighs] 60 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:48,678 Oh, Ebola's back. 61 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,376 Uh-oh! 62 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,308 We could do something like 63 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,453 Angelina Jolie's a director and now Ebola's back? 64 00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,348 (both) Uh-oh! 65 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:57,650 - Right. - But we need a premise. 66 00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:58,691 Like, you know, how they talk on talk shows, 67 00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,686 like, "In the news today..." 68 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,118 "You guys hear about this? 69 00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,293 "Here's a funny story or..." 70 00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:04,661 "Joe Biden had dinner 71 00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,388 in New York City." 72 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,164 Yeah, "Joe Biden had dinner in New York City." 73 00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:09,532 "Joe Biden had dinner in New York City." 74 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,400 "Joe Biden had dinner in New York City." 75 00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:12,429 "Joe Biden tonight had dinner in New York City." 76 00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:13,473 What a... What a... 77 00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:14,567 What a clod, right? 78 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,138 That's our take on him. 79 00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:17,637 Yeah. 80 00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,668 We could write a joke about the Taliban. 81 00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:20,743 Yes. 82 00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,411 Like, "The Taliban is awful, 83 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,680 and Angelina Jolie is directing now?" 84 00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,548 (both) Uh-oh! 85 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,617 Sounds like you two are off to a great start. 86 00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:31,216 Text me if you don't want paella for dinner. 87 00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:32,549 Consider yourself texted. 88 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:36,163 [Arthur whistling] 89 00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:37,357 Julie, you okay? 90 00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:38,588 Yeah, why? 91 00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:39,692 'Cause Arthur was whistling 92 00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:41,163 and you didn't say anything. 93 00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:42,432 It was like you didn't mind. 94 00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:43,500 You know, I haven oddly been more serene 95 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:45,167 these past few days. 96 00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,426 And nauseous. 97 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:47,674 And late for my period. 98 00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:48,768 Oh, my God! 99 00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,399 What if I'm pregnant? 100 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:51,574 You're not pregnant. 101 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:52,572 There's no way I'm pregnant. 102 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:53,643 No. 103 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,311 But then there's that TV show 104 00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:56,579 of women that went to the bathroom one day, 105 00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:57,647 and surprise, you don't have to poop; 106 00:02:57,745 --> 00:02:58,645 you're a human mother. 107 00:02:58,746 --> 00:03:00,246 I don't watch that show. 108 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:01,278 Oh, my God, what if I'm pregnant? 109 00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:04,624 (Julie) None of these pregnancy tests 110 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:05,618 are gonna be accurate. 111 00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,619 Why not? 112 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:07,720 I'm on this illegal 113 00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,391 Canadian HCG hormone 114 00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,260 I ordered from a spam email to lose weight. 115 00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:12,529 Well, that sounds perfectly safe. 116 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:13,726 Yeah, I know, but what's the alternative? 117 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:15,397 Portion control? 118 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:17,296 Now any of these tests I take is gonna give me 119 00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:19,528 a false negative. 120 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,473 I'm gonna call my doctor. 121 00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,439 Oh, lube has its own aisle here. 122 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,707 Fancy. 123 00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,635 My doctor can't see me till Friday, 124 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,640 so I decided to stock up on hope tampons 125 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,342 in the meantime. 126 00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:31,954 I'm sure your body will get the hint. 127 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,645 You know, as impressed as I was with Richard, 128 00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,617 I just don't know if he's the right match for us. 129 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:36,716 There's something about him. 130 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:37,947 I can't tell if he's sleazy 131 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,521 or just Australian. 132 00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:40,590 So if he's the wrong manager, 133 00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:41,688 we can always leave. 134 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:42,959 I mean, nothing is permanent, 135 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,556 except, you know, parenthood. 136 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:45,558 Well, not the show Parenthood. 137 00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,299 That's over. 138 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:48,325 Every lesbian I'm friends with on Facebook 139 00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:49,599 loved that show. 140 00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,297 I know, it was so important to them 141 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:52,499 to let all their friends know when they cried. 142 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:53,730 Yeah, how did lesbians let us know 143 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:54,774 they were crying before Facebook? 144 00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:55,998 Smoke signals. 145 00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:58,673 Oh, my God. 146 00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:01,242 The Huffington Post print edition? 147 00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:02,712 Are you kidding me? 148 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,610 This is a joke? No. 149 00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,312 This is real. 150 00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,354 Everything you liked about The Huffington Post 151 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:08,378 without any of the convenience. 152 00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:09,752 And who says print is dead? 153 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,790 Somebody at a party I would never want to talk to. 154 00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,285 Look at this! 155 00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:14,787 How do they afford all of this ink? 156 00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:16,458 Every person in the known universe 157 00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:17,987 is a columnist in there. 158 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,661 Well, to be fair, could we really have gone 159 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,630 another day without reading Phoebe Tuttnauer's 160 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:24,429 haunting personal essay about her bad experience with Airbnb? 161 00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:26,002 I must buy this! 162 00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:31,507 I'm glad we got candy. It helps me think. 163 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,265 Mm-hmm. Me too. 164 00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:34,514 It's good for our brains. It's like fish. 165 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,408 Do you ever read about those rich women 166 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,450 and the dermatologists tell them to eat so much salmon 167 00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:41,316 that they joke, "Maybe I'm one day gonna become a salmon." 168 00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:42,515 Yeah, like someone who's like, 169 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,016 "Oh, if I eat another blueberry, 170 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,487 I think I'm gonna become a blueberry." 171 00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:48,616 It's like, "No, you're not." 172 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,362 I think it's from Willy Wonka. 173 00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:51,828 Mmm. 174 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:55,027 We should get something on the page. 175 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,698 Yeah. 176 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,297 We're supposed to come up with Twitter hashtag games. 177 00:04:58,399 --> 00:04:59,499 Why don't we go on Twitter 178 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,670 and look at some actual hashtag games? 179 00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:02,498 - Like research. - Mm-hmm. 180 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:07,038 [siren wailing in distance] 181 00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:13,582 [car horn in distance] 182 00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:14,821 This isn't working. 183 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:15,815 I know. 184 00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,516 You know why? 185 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,518 This isn't a proper work environment. 186 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,490 I wasn't just thinking that. I didn't want to say it. 187 00:05:21,589 --> 00:05:23,389 We need to make it more like a comedy writers' room. 188 00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:25,391 You know what comedy writers' room have? 189 00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:27,063 Ping-pong tables. 190 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,730 Yes. Yes. 191 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,499 It'll free up our minds for jokes 192 00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:33,769 because their hands are moving around! 193 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,097 - In motion. - We should get one. 194 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:36,542 - Let's go get it. - At a... 195 00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,507 Um... A sporting goods store? 196 00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:39,536 Yep, we'll write on the train. 197 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:40,540 Yep, I'll bring my laptop. 198 00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:41,541 I'll bring mine too. 199 00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:45,512 * 200 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,383 I'm glad we didn't write on the train. 201 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,521 Yeah, you know, I think if you start to obsess to much 202 00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:50,777 about the actual writing, 203 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:52,794 you miss the opportunity to be inspired 204 00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,086 by changing your environment. 205 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,457 Yeah, speaking of which, 206 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:56,616 let's get the ping-ping table 207 00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:57,834 and get the hell out of here. 208 00:05:57,925 --> 00:05:59,425 I know, I'm getting flashbacks 209 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:00,887 to all those jocks in my high school. 210 00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,434 Oh, my God. 211 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,130 You know what my worst nightmare would be? 212 00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:06,101 What if I am pregnant 213 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,469 and I end up having a son 214 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,098 and he's athletic and well-adjusted 215 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,102 and popular? 216 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,613 And--oh, my God-- 217 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,135 what if he's not gay? 218 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,880 Julie. Stop being crazy. 219 00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,635 I promise you, if you have a son, 220 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,614 he will be as gay as Jason Gould. 221 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:19,712 Thank you. 222 00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:21,383 But still, could you imagine? 223 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,382 What if he tried to high-five me one time? 224 00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:24,794 - Ugh. - I know. 225 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,115 So which is the black side 226 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,119 and which is the red side? 227 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,520 Are they different, 228 00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:29,862 or is it the same kind of rubber? 229 00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:31,457 I didn't know these were wood; is this real wood? 230 00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:32,859 Hey, folks. 231 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,600 I'm Rita. Looking for a ping-pong table? 232 00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:35,795 - Yeah, I think so. - Possibly. 233 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,566 Well, the thing I like about this one 234 00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,465 is its integrative ball storage apron, right here. 235 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:40,727 It's right at the knee length. 236 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,174 It's nice. Holds a lot of balls. 237 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:44,739 Oh, my God. This is really expensive. 238 00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:47,738 Well, don't make any decisions you can't back up. 239 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,711 You know, I always like to tell my customers 240 00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:52,150 to sleep on it when it comes to making big purchases. 241 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,605 Doesn't make me the best salesgirl on the floor, 242 00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:55,754 but at least I have a good conscious. 243 00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,949 Well, we all make choices. 244 00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,591 Choices. [chuckles] 245 00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:01,187 Hey, you want to hear a funny story? 246 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:02,888 I used to be an Olympic gymnast. 247 00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:04,690 That is... funny. 248 00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,192 Yeah, I even got an offer 249 00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:07,733 to be on the cover of a box of Wheaties, 250 00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,498 but then a much trashier cereal approached me 251 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:11,727 for twice the money, and I couldn't say no. 252 00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:13,632 After my photo was published on box after box 253 00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:16,644 of Slappies, my career was over. 254 00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:18,467 What the hell are Slappies? 255 00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:19,772 They're off the market now. 256 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:20,773 They were kind of like Wheaties, 257 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:21,784 but they glowed in the dark. 258 00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:23,475 Turns out that 27,000% 259 00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:25,707 of a daily recommended allowance of mercury 260 00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:27,523 is too much of a good thing. 261 00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,515 Are you serious? That's horrible. 262 00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:30,577 Yeah. 263 00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:31,594 Sure wish I turned 'em down 264 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:32,785 when I had the chance. 265 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,556 Anywhoozle, 266 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:37,855 how about this pivoting 72-inch cotton blend net? 267 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,658 Look at that. 268 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:40,790 You catch blue crabs in something like that, right? 269 00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:41,834 (Billy) It's nice. 270 00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:43,229 You guys go crabbing? 271 00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:44,670 We're never going to play ping-pong. 272 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,195 No, and now that I see it in person, 273 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,469 I don't think it's as inspirational 274 00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:48,568 as I thought it would be. 275 00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:49,669 We're not, like, sportsmen. 276 00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:50,740 Now that we're here, it just-- 277 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,708 it's not a good idea. 278 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,806 Okay, well, what the fuck am I doing here, then, right? 279 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:55,838 Oh, wow. 280 00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:57,213 Clarence? 281 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,680 (Julie) Okay, back to the packet. 282 00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:00,980 I have an idea. 283 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,521 What if we went to the Paley Center 284 00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,947 and we watched old episodes of late night talk shows 285 00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:07,493 for inspiration? 286 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:08,918 Yes, I've always wanted to do that. 287 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:11,262 You can go and you watch, like, Steve Allen and Jack Paar 288 00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:12,688 and all of it. 289 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:13,893 Even if we just watch a couple 290 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:14,934 of episodes of Johnny Carson, 291 00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:16,258 it will inspire us. 292 00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:17,263 Totally. 293 00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:18,274 What was that thing 294 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:19,265 Johnny Carson used to do? 295 00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:20,266 Oh, no-- punch women. 296 00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:21,667 Yes. 297 00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:22,899 I am so glad we left the Paley Center 298 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:23,943 to get mani-pedis. 299 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:24,967 Me too. 300 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:26,542 How are supposed to sit through 301 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,710 a single episode of any of that shit? 302 00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:28,978 I know, right? It's so boring. 303 00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:31,276 I mean, Ernie Kovacs, suck my dick. 304 00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:32,808 That was a different time. 305 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,053 Were they? 306 00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:35,647 I mean, it's 2015 and still, 307 00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:36,979 every single talk show host on network 308 00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:38,854 late night TV is a straight white man. 309 00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:40,652 Hmm, I don't know. 310 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:43,294 Colbert's too smart not to at least be bi. 311 00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:46,762 See, girls that age, 312 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,660 you just sneeze on them and they get pregnant. 313 00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,002 But what erotic foreplay. 314 00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:51,697 Seriously, though, I'm 35. 315 00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:53,599 What if this is my last chance to get pregnant? 316 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:54,671 Do you want to be pregnant? 317 00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:55,668 No! 318 00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:56,669 Thank God. 319 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:57,670 What if I do one day, 320 00:08:57,771 --> 00:08:58,671 and when the time is right, 321 00:08:58,772 --> 00:08:59,672 I'm not able to? 322 00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:00,873 What if you do one day 323 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,314 and you then you become of those people 324 00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:03,739 that only talks about their baby all the time 325 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:04,984 and then I have to find a new friend? 326 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,678 God, look at the masthead on this thing. 327 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:07,980 It's huge. 328 00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,881 Oh, good. Bill Maher has something to say. 329 00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:11,593 How can still call them "new rules"? 330 00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:12,785 He's been on the air since his hair 331 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,656 will still mauve. 332 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,615 I don't know, we need fresh voices on television. 333 00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:17,794 I know: ours! 334 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:18,791 I just want to dive in 335 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:19,832 and write, write, write! 336 00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:21,027 Me too! 337 00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:22,028 You know what would be fun? 338 00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,029 To go to a movie. 339 00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,670 A movie. 340 00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:25,765 (Julie) So it's later than we thought. 341 00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:26,966 I'm still glad we saw that. 342 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:27,967 Me too. 343 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,298 The only annoying thing 344 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,902 is how many of our friends were in it. 345 00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,774 Anything at this point that's Apatow-adjacent, 346 00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,043 we just have to accept is going to star 347 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:36,941 everyone we went into improv class with. 348 00:09:37,044 --> 00:09:38,614 - Oh, no. - What's wrong? 349 00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:39,782 Is the baby kicking? 350 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:40,850 I don't have my laptop. 351 00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:42,678 But our sex tape is in the cloud! 352 00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:44,123 [screams] 353 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,647 Seriously, though, I don't have my laptop. 354 00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:48,764 [driving punk rock music] 355 00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:52,026 Sorry, guys, no laptop in the lost and found. 356 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,025 Really? 357 00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,586 Could you just ask Rita 358 00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,895 if it was near the ping-pong table? 359 00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,026 I know it has to be there. 360 00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,330 Well, Rita's shift ended. 361 00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,601 Maybe she took the laptop home. 362 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:01,841 My friend has a lot of classified information 363 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,335 on that computer. 364 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,906 She's a very important businesswoman. 365 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,065 Sir, she works for NASA. 366 00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:07,643 NASA? 367 00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:08,981 Those are the same sons of bitches 368 00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,336 who put me in this chair. 369 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:11,683 I beg your pardon? 370 00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:12,809 There was this beautiful girl, you see, 371 00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:14,383 and it wasn't typical, 372 00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:15,821 a girl that stunning would talk to me. 373 00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:18,116 Anyway, she asked me to accompany her 374 00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,988 to space camp. 375 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,787 I should have said no. 376 00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:23,089 And what happened at space camp? 377 00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:25,030 I destroyed both my eardrums. 378 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,855 Lost my equilibrium. 379 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,060 What happened to the girl? 380 00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:29,401 She got away. 381 00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:31,666 Ground control to Major Bummer. 382 00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:33,865 Well, I'll go give Rita a call. 383 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:34,867 Thank you so much. 384 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,138 Yeah, thanks. 385 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,406 Billy, I can't lose my laptop. 386 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:39,735 I know, do you have a lot of naked pictures 387 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:40,810 of yourself on there? 388 00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:42,338 Of course; I'm more concerned 389 00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:43,342 about all the emails badmouthing people . 390 00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:44,413 Right. 391 00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:45,811 Amy Pascal has nothing on me. 392 00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:47,053 She's an angel compared to you. 393 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,047 You're the same way. 394 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,678 I mean, come on. 395 00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,083 If anyone published your emails, 396 00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:52,654 wouldn't you much rather it was just, like, 397 00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:53,953 un flattering photo of you naked? 398 00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:55,724 Are you kidding? 399 00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:56,793 I don't care about people say about my dick. 400 00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:57,860 Hey, NASA! Good news. 401 00:10:57,958 --> 00:10:59,058 We just got your laptop. 402 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,429 - Oh, yes! - Are you serious? 403 00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,797 Oh, my God, thank you so much. 404 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:05,166 Yeah, she said to meet her near Astor Place at 6:00. 405 00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:06,165 (Julie) Okay. 406 00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,366 She's got a voice lesson. 407 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:08,897 Oh, wow. 408 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:09,902 I wouldn't think Rita could carry a tune. 409 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,073 (man) Shut your mouth! 410 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,071 There's a lot of things Rita can do. 411 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,943 [lively rock music] 412 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:16,082 (Julie) This is good. 413 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,676 We're meeting Rita at 6:00, 414 00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:18,748 so now we have three hours to write. 415 00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,106 Yes, exactly. All right. 416 00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:21,853 So should I type, or do you want to type? 417 00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:23,119 - We can switch off. - Let's switch off. 418 00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,716 Want to trade off, like, every half hour? 419 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:25,818 15 minutes. 420 00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:26,819 Okay, why don't we trade off 421 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,060 every 10 minutes? 422 00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:29,855 But you should start, you know... 423 00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:30,857 My keyboard's, like, disgusting at this point. 424 00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,028 Excuse me. 425 00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,985 I'm just going to the restroom. 426 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,864 If a guy comes in about 5'9" 427 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:37,463 wearing a purple scarf, 428 00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:38,774 will you tell him that I'll be right back, please? 429 00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:40,826 Yeah, sure. 430 00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,044 You're looking at my eyebrows aren't you? 431 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,695 - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. 432 00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:44,874 - No. - You're looking at my eyebrows. 433 00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:45,872 - No. - They're obvious. 434 00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:47,113 Yes, you are. 435 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,407 (Billy) They look great. 436 00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:49,778 I got my hair done for this date, 437 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,007 and the lady at the salon 438 00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:52,151 convinced me to darken them 439 00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:53,475 to make my eyes pop. 440 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:54,710 First they turned black, 441 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:55,715 so she put bleach on them. 442 00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,816 Then... they turned yellow, 443 00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,148 so she put gloss on them. 444 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,422 Then they turned a mint-grey. 445 00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,791 Next thing I knew, my eyebrows were gone. 446 00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:06,191 Oh, my God. 447 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,733 Before what you say yes to. 448 00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,133 [sighs] 449 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,174 Wow. 450 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:16,868 I'm telling you, 451 00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:18,040 you don't know what it means to be alone 452 00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:19,068 until you're alone in New York. 453 00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:20,442 I know, right? 454 00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:21,980 All right, we have to do this. 455 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,505 Hey, can I just borrow your laptop real quick? 456 00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:24,950 I'm just gonna look up abortion clinics on Yelp. 457 00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:27,105 Okay. 458 00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,824 Oh, this one got 4 1/2 stars. 459 00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:30,046 Oh. 460 00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:33,920 [driving punk rock music] 461 00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:36,191 Rita's almost a half hour late. 462 00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:37,859 What if she doesn't even have my laptop? 463 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,258 What if this whole thing was just a con? 464 00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:45,233 Hi. 465 00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:46,832 Are you waiting for Rita? 466 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,204 Yes, are you-- 467 00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,801 I'm Kiki, her roommate. 468 00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,843 Rita's at urgent care. 469 00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:53,869 Oh. Is she okay? 470 00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:56,284 Yeah, she'll be all right. Rita's Rita. 471 00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:58,176 Ah. Here's your laptop. 472 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,008 Oh, thank you so much. 473 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,953 You have no idea 474 00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,019 what this means to me. 475 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,476 No, I don't. 476 00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:08,024 Do you want to buy some coke? 477 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,021 Eh. 478 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,092 We just need index cards. 479 00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:12,991 Cowards. 480 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:22,073 We bought a lot of stuff from Staples. 481 00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:24,099 We really did. 482 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:27,814 And yet, we have not written a single word. 483 00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:29,008 I know. 484 00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:30,079 We've wasted the day. 485 00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,077 We've wasted our day. 486 00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:33,849 We don't have anything on the page. 487 00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,117 What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? 488 00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,115 I'm panicking! 489 00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:37,116 All right, don't panic! 490 00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:38,147 - Motivate me. - Okay. 491 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,991 Think of all the opportunities 492 00:13:40,087 --> 00:13:42,017 we didn't even get the chance to fail at. Right? 493 00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:43,122 This time, if we don't get the job, 494 00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:44,323 it's our fault 495 00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:47,534 and we can't blame the world. 496 00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:49,857 That's a nightmare. 497 00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:52,003 Let's write this packet. 498 00:13:52,099 --> 00:13:54,999 [bouncy piano music] 499 00:13:55,102 --> 00:14:00,042 * 500 00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:01,240 Suzanne Somers! 501 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:02,241 Yes. 502 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:06,212 * 503 00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:08,183 That is indeed a packet. 504 00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,921 Wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be, but-- 505 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:13,088 No, but we did get to eat candy, so... 506 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:14,086 Should I hit Send? 507 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,017 Yeah, hit Send. 508 00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:19,033 Ah! 509 00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:20,556 Finished? 510 00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,900 Yes, whether or not we get this job 511 00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,856 is now in God's hands. 512 00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:27,165 Yes, He mostly concerns Himself with staffing matters. 513 00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:29,337 I am so proud of you, Noodles. 514 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:31,096 I can't believe how you just pushed that out 515 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,174 all by yourself. 516 00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:33,272 God, you're so strong. 517 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,913 I wish I could've helped. 518 00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,309 Thanks, Crackers. 519 00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:39,580 Text me if you don't want duck for dinner. 520 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:43,879 Consider yourself texted. 521 00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:46,224 [exhales deeply] 522 00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:47,319 You think he knows? 523 00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,290 I hope not. 524 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,589 Arthur would be a good dad, 525 00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:53,330 a weird dad, but a good dad. 526 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,326 Uh, I don't know what to do. 527 00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:57,028 Let's fall asleep watching The Talk 528 00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:59,100 like our forefathers did. 529 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:00,269 Okay. 530 00:15:02,702 --> 00:15:04,242 (Billy) Oh, my God. Julie, wake up. 531 00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:05,237 What? 532 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,938 Um, it turns out Richard 533 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,340 does come from a performance background. 534 00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:10,912 What do you mean? 535 00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:12,151 Porn? So what? 536 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,575 I'd do porn if I had a thigh gap. 537 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:17,350 No, no, no. Look at this, please. 538 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,920 "Puppetry of the Penis"? 539 00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:21,350 Richard was in that? 540 00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:22,364 "Puppetry of the Penis"! 541 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:23,915 [screaming] 542 00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:24,924 Don't you remember? 543 00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:25,955 It started in Australia. 544 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,229 I saw that Real Sex. 545 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,157 There was the guy that was like, 546 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,032 [with accent] "I was at the bar doing dick tricks? 547 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,931 "and there another bloke, and he was doing dick tricks, 548 00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,303 and we were like, 'Let's team up!'" 549 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:37,141 That was--that happens in Australia! 550 00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,337 You want to watch this? 551 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,138 I want to see what he can do. 552 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,410 Okay, he'll turn his penis into a tangerine. 553 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:43,979 (Richard) You've met the curious elephant 554 00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:45,707 and the hairy yo-yo, 555 00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:49,682 but who here wants to see a juicy submarine sandwich? 556 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,182 No. No. 557 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,954 [both groaning] 558 00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:54,623 We just stayed up all night 559 00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:56,261 based on a suggestion coming from someone 560 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,656 who's more likely to know the founder 561 00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,957 or Burning Man than have any legitimate 562 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,330 connections in show business. 563 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:03,228 It must be so stretched out. 564 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,230 Oh, my God. 565 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:07,001 [cell phone buzzing] 566 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,970 - Ah! - Who is it? 567 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,269 Hey, Richard. 568 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,170 No. 569 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,742 I'm gonna put you speaker. Hold on. 570 00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,281 What shape is his penis in right now? 571 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:17,636 - [shushes] - Oh, sorry. 572 00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,354 (Richard) Hi, Billy. Hi, Julie. 573 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,246 So the head writer of Even Later with Chris Hardwick 574 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:23,018 loved your packet, and he wants to meet with you this afternoon. 575 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,076 - Whoa! - Oh, my God! 576 00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:26,024 (both) That's amazing. 577 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:27,119 Thank you so much. We'll call you right back. 578 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,120 Thank you. 579 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:29,391 The greatest dick trick 580 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,689 the devil ever played 581 00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:33,160 was getting us that interview. 582 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,260 Oh, my God. Oh. 583 00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:39,132 He's--you know what, he's got a pretty asshole. 584 00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:42,002 [bluesy guitar music] 585 00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:51,012 * 586 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,011 (Billy) Wow. 587 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:53,012 The Doors. 588 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,283 You can really play. 589 00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:56,021 Yeah, I'm a lefty; I play a righty guitar, 590 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,016 though, like Hendrix. 591 00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:58,787 Just like Jimi Henj. 592 00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:01,245 So, Billy and Julie. 593 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,224 Yes, thank you so much for meeting with us. 594 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,023 We're really excited to be here. 595 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,085 And Richard said that you really liked our packet, 596 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:08,304 so thank you very much. 597 00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:09,295 That means a lot coming from you. 598 00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:11,096 We worked really hard on it. 599 00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:12,498 To be honest, I didn't read it, 600 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:15,169 but I'm sure it's awesome. 601 00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,198 I mean, network has been up my fucking ass 602 00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:18,414 about a diversity hire 603 00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:21,105 ever since Jezebel did another post 604 00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:24,178 about how there's no female writers in late night. 605 00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:25,777 So do I count as a woman because I'm gay? 606 00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:27,348 [laughs] 607 00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:28,417 (Adam) All right, so let me level with you guys. 608 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:29,415 Unless you take a fucking shit 609 00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:30,816 right on my desk, 610 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,447 or if you aren't cool, you got this. 611 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,093 What do you mean by "cool"? 612 00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,258 You know, just how it's, like, not safe 613 00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:38,456 to joke about anything anymore, right? 614 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,488 You guys probably deal with that shit a lot. 615 00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,263 We want to make the show that we want to make. 616 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,332 We don't want to have any regrets. 617 00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:45,801 We don't want to wake up the next morning 618 00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,298 and think, "You know what? 619 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,140 "We shouldn't have taken that network note. 620 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,836 We should have said no." 621 00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:53,807 Everyone we bump into has all these regrets. 622 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,736 I mean, glow-in-the-dark ping-pong lady. 623 00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,483 Scabby brows. 624 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,248 (Julie) Space camp wheelchair. 625 00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:01,747 What's "space camp wheelchair"? 626 00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:03,278 Is that in your packet? Chris will love that. 627 00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,083 Everyone we've spoken to in the past 24 hours 628 00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:06,545 should have said no when they said yes. 629 00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,823 And now it's time for us to learn 630 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,191 from their mistakes. 631 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:11,760 That's right. 632 00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,488 And you're gonna be the first person we say no to. 633 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:14,533 I mean, could you imagine working with this guy? 634 00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,097 Is this some kind of bit? 635 00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:17,226 And whether or not I'm pregnant, 636 00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:18,830 I am getting an abortion today. 637 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,501 I am terminating this opportunity 638 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,241 before it gets any bigger. 639 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:24,266 All right, cool. 640 00:18:24,371 --> 00:18:25,871 Well, I got a meeting, so... 641 00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:27,112 Oh, you have a meeting? 642 00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,777 Where? In 1968? 643 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,535 Before feminism was invented. 644 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,583 And you you're think or, like, punk rock why? 645 00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,809 Because you DVR Anthony Bourdain? 646 00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:36,354 You're probably one of those guys that thinks 647 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:37,849 that John Lennon was edgier than Yoko. 648 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,290 Yoko Ono was the best thing 649 00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:41,787 that ever happened to John Lennon. 650 00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:43,858 The Beatles were holding Yoko Ono back. 651 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,786 The only reason I wish Jim Morrison 652 00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,392 was still alive today 653 00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:48,534 is just to see how fat he could have gotten. 654 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,198 Oh, my God. 655 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,197 Jim Morrison would have had a field day 656 00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:54,129 at a Dairy Queen. 657 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:57,144 I mean, can you imagine Jim Morrison around a Blizzard? 658 00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:59,367 Holy shit. The Blizzard King. 659 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,372 [laughs] 660 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:02,584 (Adam) All right. 661 00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,605 Blizzard King is fucking funny, though. 662 00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:08,451 Stephanie, will you bring me that black guy's packet, please. 663 00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:11,818 [driving punk rock music] 664 00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:14,888 (Julie) That was intensely satisfying. 665 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,157 We can saw no to things we don't want to do. 666 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,427 Yeah, and if Richard freaks out 667 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:20,255 about how we treated Adam, 668 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,900 I will remind him he used to be a penis puppeteer. 669 00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:27,271 Billy, I need you to leave the bathroom. 670 00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:28,437 - Why? - Please. Right now. 671 00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:29,835 - Okay. - Really, really. 672 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,166 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 673 00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:32,211 - Okay. - All right, bye. 674 00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,535 All right. 675 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,310 I'm not pregnant! 676 00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,438 I love my period! 677 00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:40,454 These pipes are clean! 678 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,447 [cell phone buzzing] - Okay, congratulations. 679 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:45,219 Oh, Julie. It's Richard. 680 00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:46,618 Hey. 681 00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,459 So you're not mad at us 682 00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:50,315 for turning down the job? 683 00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,463 No, that guy is supposed to be a real asshole. 684 00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:53,859 I just think it's great to have clients 685 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,500 who know what they don't want. 686 00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:57,655 Ca-ca-ca-clients? 687 00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,934 Whoa. 688 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,902 I just wish when I was at your age 689 00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:04,241 I'd said no to an opportunity that my mate presented me with. 690 00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:05,537 Um, Richard, 691 00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,368 I think I know what performance opportunity 692 00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:09,214 you're talking about. 693 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,339 We've seen the submarine sandwich. 694 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,684 Well, youthful indiscretion, perhaps, 695 00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:16,220 it lasted, like, a decade. 696 00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:17,346 You're a grown man who put your penis 697 00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:19,220 into the shape of a koala. 698 00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:20,219 (Richard) Okay, okay. 699 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,260 Even later; it's out. 700 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:23,285 Well, you've already conquered the world 701 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,630 of magazines I see. 702 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:26,955 (Julie) What are you talking about? 703 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:27,959 (Richard) These columns are amazing. 704 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,600 What? 705 00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,396 Your columns in here, they're fantastic. 706 00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:32,898 We're columnists. 707 00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,699 Page 484, 485. 708 00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,401 "We Should Be Allowed to Have Cookies for Breakfast" 709 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:37,543 by Julie Kessler. 710 00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:38,967 Billy, you're in here too. 711 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,371 Yes, I submitted a column to HuffPo. 712 00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:42,914 - I totally forgot. - Me too. 713 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,479 I didn't know that they published it. 714 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:45,647 Oh, my God. 715 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,305 "Why I Hate Other Gay Men" 716 00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:49,284 by Billy Epstein. 717 00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:50,382 It holds up. 718 00:20:50,483 --> 00:20:52,353 We're in a magazine! 719 00:20:52,452 --> 00:20:53,392 Yes! 720 00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:55,246 You guys are on fire. 721 00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:57,985 Richard, now that we're your new favorite clients, 722 00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,730 can you please do us a favor 723 00:20:59,826 --> 00:21:03,456 and show us just one dick trick, please? 724 00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:04,533 Please, please, please! 725 00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,931 No, Julie! Julie! 726 00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:09,043 Yes, we're gonna take you on a safari 727 00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:11,035 on the Australian outback. 728 00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,607 Here we go. All right. 729 00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:14,005 All right. 730 00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:15,306 Guess what kind of critter this is. 731 00:21:15,408 --> 00:21:16,308 (both) Oh, um... 732 00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:17,479 Um... Um... 733 00:21:17,577 --> 00:21:19,047 It's a wombat. It's a wombat. 734 00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:20,545 Nicole Kidman. 735 00:21:20,647 --> 00:21:21,547 It's a kangaroo. 736 00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:22,648 It's a kangaroo. 737 00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:25,349 I can beat up a kangaroo. 738 00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:27,652 * Thought it'd be easy 739 00:21:27,754 --> 00:21:30,424 * Thought they didn't know 740 00:21:30,523 --> 00:21:35,503 * You thought it was the only way to go * 741 00:21:35,595 --> 00:21:38,295 * Another way out 742 00:21:38,398 --> 00:21:40,568 * Found on the way home 743 00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:42,067 * Thought you were living fast 744 00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:44,668 * But you were living slow 745 00:21:44,771 --> 00:21:52,711 *