1 00:00:01,569 --> 00:00:02,399 Does the soup have any dairy? 2 00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:03,573 And I'm cold. 3 00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:05,211 Can you turn down the air-conditioning? 4 00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:06,436 I don't know, but what fun questions. 5 00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,210 (Julie) Great news. 6 00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:10,179 According to People magazine, Susan Boyle 7 00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:13,048 is not letting her Asperger's get in the way of her dreams. 8 00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:14,247 Oh, good. 9 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,578 Have you heard of Cissy Donato? 10 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:17,123 No, but I'm pretty sure someone 11 00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:18,288 called me that in my youth. 12 00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:21,016 Cissy Donato is a YouTube star 13 00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:23,422 who has over 7 million subscribers. 14 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,234 - Oh. - Hey, guys. 15 00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:26,556 Cissy here. 16 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,560 So people have just been begging me 17 00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:30,562 for my Nicki Minaj impression, 18 00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:33,074 but this week, I really wanted to do the Cops song, 19 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,597 so I figured I'd split the D 20 00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:37,312 and give you Nicki Minaj's Cops song. 21 00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:41,135 * I got my ticket down to Mardi Gras * 22 00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:43,312 * Two bottles of vodka for the trip * 23 00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,211 Are you trying to waterboard my eyes? 24 00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:47,523 Billy, I used to babysit this girl. 25 00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,275 You babysat? You hate kids. 26 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,153 I know, and she's the origin story. 27 00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:53,352 She grew up two blocks away from me, in Great Neck. 28 00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:56,164 "Cissy Shake It Off parody Shake It Up 29 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:57,357 "with a can of Coke. 30 00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,328 "6 million views. 31 00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:02,227 "Cissy reviews Sephora oil blotting papers. 32 00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:03,360 3 million views." 33 00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:04,674 [gasps] 34 00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:06,525 Let's kill ourselves. No, really. 35 00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,304 No, I'm-- I'm on board. 36 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:13,142 - How are we gonna do it? - Oh, sad, old Billy. 37 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:15,111 Hold my calls. 38 00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:17,209 I'll be back in two shakes of Megan Hilty's tail feather. 39 00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:18,351 Matthew, you're on the clock. 40 00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,246 I have a meeting with a new agent. 41 00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:21,548 - Does Denise know? - Shut up, Billy. 42 00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:23,619 Of course I know. 43 00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:26,117 I'm dropping him off. Who's gonna get a new agent? 44 00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:27,360 You're gonna get a new agent. 45 00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:28,585 You're gonna get a agent. 46 00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:31,529 Yes, you are. Yes, you are. 47 00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:33,225 She cut the line. 48 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:35,227 We are being lapped by people less talented 49 00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:36,559 and way younger than we are. 50 00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:38,504 I know. We could log 10,000 hours of practice, 51 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:41,269 and these medium talents would still get 3 million views. 52 00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,299 Yeah, 10,000 hours my behind. 53 00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:46,174 Malcolm Gladwell's such a dirty little liar. 54 00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:47,514 He's a lousy kisser too. 55 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,208 Oh, yeah, he either pecks or is way too wet. 56 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,380 Yeah. 57 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,378 Can we get some help over here? 58 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,250 Yeah. I'm coming right now. 59 00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:56,518 [sighs] I need a palate cleanser. 60 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,717 Oh, let's watch that Inside the Actors Studio where... 61 00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:02,259 (both) Bon Jovi says his favorite curse word is "piece of fuck"! 62 00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:06,226 [driving punk rock music] 63 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:11,129 Oh, come on. You're still here? 64 00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:12,502 There goes my vacation. 65 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,170 Oh, hello to you too, Denise. 66 00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:15,538 You gonna actually order something 67 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,166 or just sit here googling yourself? 68 00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:18,571 I would order something, 69 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:20,312 but everything on your menu is too complicated. 70 00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:22,278 Why does pasta have to have a sauce? 71 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,206 Why can't chicken just be fingers? 72 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:26,312 Julie has the palate of a seven-year-old girl. 73 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:28,254 And the ass of a seasoned blogger. 74 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,449 Ugh. 75 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:30,680 Look, Billy, Nate and I will be back 76 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,424 from the Hamptons in three days. 77 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:33,890 Do me a favor 78 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,287 and limit the exposure of your ginger friend 79 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,390 to our customers so that no one gets creeped out. 80 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,232 Here are the keys. 81 00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:41,398 The combination to the safe is-- 82 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:42,895 I know it. 83 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,496 I remember from last time and the time before that. 84 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,228 Don't worry about it, girl. 85 00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:47,574 Mm-mm. 86 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,538 We don't do that. 87 00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:54,377 [upbeat music] 88 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:56,235 Do you think it's bad that I've only been in charge 89 00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:58,654 for 45 minutes and I already closed the café for a break? 90 00:02:58,746 --> 00:03:00,646 No. I needed to eat. 91 00:03:00,748 --> 00:03:03,478 Denise's café is so close to being a good restaurant, 92 00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,394 but everything on her menu has some kind of 93 00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:06,586 chutney or jus on it. 94 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:07,617 - Mm. - Hi. 95 00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:08,621 - Hello. - Hi. 96 00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:09,922 Hello. 97 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,663 Can I have the Dora the Explorer? 98 00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:14,399 No, you can't order from the children's menu. 99 00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:15,495 Why not? 100 00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:16,926 Children's menu-- under 12 only. 101 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,630 That's bullshit. So basically 102 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,502 kids get all the show business success and the good food. 103 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:21,541 I mean, do you think that's fair? 104 00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:24,405 In my country, I was a surgeon. 105 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,214 - Okay. - We'll tip him. 106 00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:29,379 Do you want to go somewhere else? 107 00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:30,737 Of course I do, yeah. But where? 108 00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:32,514 You know what would be a great idea, actually? 109 00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,283 Be a restaurant called The Children's Menu, 110 00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:35,682 and it'd just serve, like, pizza bagels 111 00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:38,293 to adults at regular prices. 112 00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:39,616 That is actually a really good idea. 113 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:40,990 Thank you. 114 00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,558 Then again, I told Jerry Seinfeld 115 00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,456 to stay the fuck away from Crackle, so what do I know? 116 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,328 Do I look like a Crackle executive to you? 117 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:47,697 No, but you look like Bill Burr. 118 00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:48,955 Nicest thing you've ever said. 119 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,432 [both laugh] 120 00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:51,971 But seriously, do you want to try it? 121 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,465 - I mean, Denise is away. Right? - Mm-hmm. 122 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:57,308 We could just change the menus and the signs at your place 123 00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:59,365 and have the kitchen throw away all the vegetables. 124 00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:00,473 Yeah. Let's do it. 125 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:01,984 - Okay. - Let's do it. 126 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,635 It'll be just like the restaurant challenge 127 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,684 on Celebrity Apprentice but without Geraldo menacingly 128 00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,579 walking around in his underpants. 129 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:09,321 (Billy) We're restaurateurs. 130 00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,317 I feel like the Jewish Mr. Chow. 131 00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:13,389 (Julie) What can't we do? 132 00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:14,457 Child molester? 133 00:04:14,555 --> 00:04:16,455 Kids and their band names today. 134 00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:18,457 Oh, no. This is a flier for an actual child molester. 135 00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:20,729 "Thin, lanky, sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, glasses"-- 136 00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:22,358 You know what? He sounds cute. 137 00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:23,533 Of all the deal breakers, though. 138 00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,631 Say hello to the newest member 139 00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:29,473 of the Irv Rosenblatt and Associates family. 140 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,770 The Secret works! 141 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:34,012 Wait. Why aren't you at the café? 142 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,677 Because we have to buy tampons. 143 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,476 Gross. 144 00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:39,348 Do you ever tire of being a bully's clichéd idea 145 00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:41,047 of what a gay man is like? 146 00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:43,048 You're such a bitch. 147 00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:45,520 And I'm living for it. 148 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,759 Oh, and when I tell Denise that you shut down, 149 00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:50,615 she will fire your ancient ass. 150 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,534 Since when is 35 ancient? 151 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,356 Since gay. 152 00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:55,532 Can't you fire him? 153 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,799 I'm putting in a week anyway 154 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:59,497 when I join the cast of Saturday Night Live. 155 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,440 - Oh, yeah. I'm sure. - Oh, good one. 156 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,365 Yeah, my new agent got it for me. 157 00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:05,641 You know how there's all those petitions online about how SNL 158 00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:07,069 needs an openly gay man? 159 00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:08,784 Yeah, I saw that petition on Facebook. 160 00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:11,376 I was gonna sign it, but then they wanted my email? No. 161 00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:13,509 So they're gonna hire one, and my agent 162 00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:16,784 says that he can get me into the casting showcase. 163 00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:19,754 But, Matthew, how did your agent ever know you were gay? 164 00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,663 [laughing] 165 00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:23,815 I like you. 166 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:25,464 Bye, Felicia. 167 00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:27,059 (woman) * Do-do-do 168 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,730 * Do-do-do, do, do * 169 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:33,400 He's like the gay son Jiminy Cricket is ashamed of. 170 00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:35,641 I just hate it when she's mean to you. Wait. 171 00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:37,506 It's okay for me to call him "she," right? 172 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:38,805 Yes. 173 00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:40,536 You know I have to gay audition for SNL. 174 00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:41,681 Of course you do, obviously. 175 00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:42,805 We're going to make it happen. 176 00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,340 Oh, shit. What time is it? 177 00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:45,805 What's wrong? 178 00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:48,783 I told my mom I would go see her in Great Neck. 179 00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:52,692 She's giving a talk to her country club about stress. 180 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,686 - Oh, God. - I know. Don't ask. 181 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,418 She guilted me into attending. 182 00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:58,094 Guilt is a powerful currency in your family. 183 00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,661 Tell me about it. 184 00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:02,698 We pass it down like our soft teeth and slow metabolisms. 185 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:05,426 (woman) * Do-ooh, do 186 00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:09,143 Stress, stress, 187 00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,736 stress. 188 00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:12,438 (Marilyn) As a psychologist, 189 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,710 I deal with a lot of people who have stress. 190 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,478 Ladies, let me ask you. 191 00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,807 What gives you stress? 192 00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:20,452 (Marilyn) Yes, Phyllis H. 193 00:06:20,548 --> 00:06:22,918 What if we can't afford a nice vacation 194 00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:25,386 and we have to settle for a trip to London? 195 00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:26,716 Phyllis K. 196 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,790 My housekeeper makes a lot of eye contact. 197 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,119 Does she want something? 198 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:31,463 (Marilyn) Phyllis other K. 199 00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,129 If Hillary wins the next election, 200 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,856 there go our tax breaks. 201 00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:37,532 All of these wonderful examples. 202 00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:41,171 If you're looking to make a Nazi propaganda cartoon. 203 00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:44,168 Now, one of the ways my family deals with stress 204 00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:45,871 is through humor. 205 00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:49,613 My daughter is a comedian, technically. 206 00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,750 Her career means everything to her. 207 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:54,445 That's one of the reasons I don't have grandchildren. 208 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:55,578 And you have to laugh. 209 00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:56,853 [laughter] 210 00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,820 Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. 211 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,689 - Carol. - I'm sorry, Marilyn. 212 00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:01,918 Am I too late for your talk thingy? 213 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,892 - Not at all. - Big talk--I'm so-- 214 00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:05,661 Oh, God, I was online. 215 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,659 I was reading the latest think piece on Cissy and YouTube. 216 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,502 Time flies when you have a famous daughter. 217 00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:11,668 My apologies. So sorry. 218 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,425 Well, you remember my daughter. 219 00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:15,765 Julie, say hello. 220 00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,199 Hi, Carol. 221 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:19,714 Julie, I haven't seen you since you babysat. 222 00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:22,507 Oh, God, I'm so sorry you got so frustrated with her. 223 00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:23,880 I remember she used to lay on the floor, 224 00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:24,907 crying, saying, like, 225 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:27,782 "I can't wait to die!" 226 00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:29,781 I can't do it. Cissy did it better. 227 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:32,523 Even back then, she was good with impressions. 228 00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:33,750 Did Cissy always sing? 229 00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:35,724 Oh, those skits give me a tickle. 230 00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:37,593 Oh, I love to laugh. 231 00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:38,831 Laughter feels good. 232 00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:40,486 It's very important. 233 00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,834 Well, Julie wants to be just like Cissy. 234 00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:45,570 Oh, well, I'm sure, you know, 235 00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:46,926 if you want to talk a little bit 236 00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,744 and get some advice about the business, 237 00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:50,466 Cissy could make some time for you. 238 00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:51,671 I promise you. 239 00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:54,012 Julie, you should make a YouTube. 240 00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:55,807 I mean, yeah, 241 00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,879 but, you know, I was working on this live show, 242 00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,708 and there's a screenplay idea I had, so... 243 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,853 Julie, did you ever think maybe you're not successful 244 00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,719 because you're constantly moving around 245 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,617 from one thing to another? 246 00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:07,789 You're right, Mom. You know what? 247 00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:10,758 I'm gonna go home and focus on one thing-- 248 00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:12,828 becoming a YouTube star. 249 00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:15,226 And not to freeze your eggs. 250 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,658 Interesting priority. 251 00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,804 Where were we? 252 00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:20,829 [hip-hop music] 253 00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:23,044 Stress! 254 00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:26,836 * 255 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,610 Hey, Billy, not that I value your opinion, 256 00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:30,640 'cause I don't, 257 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,654 but can I ask you a question? 258 00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,746 No. Hold on. I'm reading Homeland fan fiction, 259 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,648 and Carrie and Saul are about to cry-fuck. 260 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:37,920 Which one of these head shots 261 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,848 is best to leave at the SNL showcase? 262 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,993 They are smiling, so they're both great for comedy, 263 00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:43,619 but this one-- 264 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,264 this one's America's farm boy. 265 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,858 He's swinging a baseball bat. 266 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,060 He's coming home to a windowsill-cooled pie 267 00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:51,902 and a glass of thick, whole milk, right? 268 00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:54,739 But this one, my hair is parted on the left. 269 00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,707 I need to ask you a favor. 270 00:08:58,806 --> 00:08:59,906 No. 271 00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:01,877 Please, I need your agent to get me a spot 272 00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:02,935 in that SNL showcase. 273 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,613 - Abso--no. - Please. 274 00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:05,982 It's just another slot in the showcase. 275 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:07,619 I'll give you anything you want. 276 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:10,645 I'll give you a week off. 277 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:11,851 And half your tips? 278 00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,292 Fine. Deal. 279 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,786 All right. 280 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:15,988 Done. 281 00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,829 I want to go on vocal rest anyway, 282 00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:18,855 just to see what it's like. 283 00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,759 Perfect. 284 00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:23,702 For your vision board. 285 00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:25,967 [upbeat music] 286 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,596 So tomorrow, we'll give D's café a mini makeover. 287 00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:30,972 Now that Matthew's gone for the week, we're good to go. 288 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,641 I never heard from his agent. 289 00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:33,740 Maybe I am too old. 290 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,711 No. 291 00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:37,339 The less you've done, the more people want to work with you. 292 00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:39,014 No experience at all? Here's a TV show. 293 00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:40,752 I fucking hate everybody. 294 00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:41,948 I'm actually glad that traditional media 295 00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:43,749 has rejected us. 296 00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:45,321 I think YouTube's gonna be a good fit for me. 297 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,788 - What are you gonna do? - I don't know. 298 00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:48,117 I can't do makeup demonstrations 299 00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:49,961 'cause I'm allergic to everything. 300 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:52,057 Well, they turned Drunk History into a TV show. 301 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:53,889 Maybe just choose another school subject. 302 00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:55,734 - And add "drunk" to it? - Yeah, why not? 303 00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:57,669 Uh... 304 00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:59,095 Drunk science? 305 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,869 Yes. 306 00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:02,338 That's actually not bad. 307 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,065 It does combine two things I'm bad at. 308 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:05,971 - That's perfect. - Let's eat. 309 00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:07,073 I'm hungry. Are you hungry? 310 00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:08,084 Yeah. Let's order food. 311 00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:08,906 (Arthur) I've been cooking over here. 312 00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:10,677 There's no need to order out. 313 00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:11,975 Oh, Arthur, are you making something fancy? 314 00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,350 No, just a radicchio with cloves-- 315 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,077 No. See, this is why we need our own restaurant. 316 00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:18,924 - What restaurant? - The Children's Menu. 317 00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:21,119 (Billy) We're gonna overcharge adults for cinnamon toast 318 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,391 and string cheese. 319 00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:25,360 - You like it? - Pencils... 320 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,828 That is brilliant. 321 00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:28,027 (Billy) Arthur, it's what New York needs. 322 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,358 (Julie) Yes, every restaurant 323 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:30,632 tries to jus up something normal, 324 00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:32,001 and we're sick of it. 325 00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:33,799 Yeah, spare me from someone's take on a meatloaf. 326 00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:35,171 [cell phone buzzing] - Oh, an unknown number. 327 00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,868 Maybe it's Denise or a prostitute with a secret. 328 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,371 You know I follow the food blogs. 329 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,012 I know. I hate that about you. 330 00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:43,038 Barbecue is over. Cronuts are done. 331 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,083 A place that sells expensive versions of the kind of food 332 00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,108 you find in bowling alleys has got to be the next big thing. 333 00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:49,924 Billy, Arthur loves our restaurant idea. 334 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:51,117 I got an audition for SNL. 335 00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:52,718 - What? - Yes! 336 00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:53,950 That was Matthew's agent. I'm in. 337 00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:55,064 Oh, my God, you're gonna be on SNL. 338 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,985 I'm gonna be a viral celebrity, 339 00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,130 and we're all gonna sell cheese sandwiches for too much money. 340 00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:00,856 We are on fire! 341 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,831 Yes, tell me Maggie Gyllenhaal said something 342 00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:04,930 about aging actresses today, and it's the best day ever. 343 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,700 [liquid pouring] 344 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,103 (Billy) What do you think I should do for my SNL audition? 345 00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:12,744 'Cause I want to do my stand-up, 346 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,670 but I just feel like they want impressions. 347 00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,105 I don't do impressions. 348 00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:17,809 That doesn't mean you can't do impressions. 349 00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:19,081 Let's think of some impressions you can do. 350 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,849 I could do my Chubby Checker. 351 00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:22,118 [as Chubby Checker] Come on, everybody. 352 00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:23,975 It's time to have fun. 353 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:26,854 - So funny. - * Hey, it's the summertime 354 00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:28,724 - [in normal voice] It's good. - It's beyond good. 355 00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:29,922 It's wonderful. 356 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,733 But I worry it's not current enough. 357 00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,085 I don't know what you're talking about. 358 00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,033 It's not Demi Lovato cutting herself 359 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,728 or whatever the kids like these days. 360 00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,730 I like political satire, like the Capitol Steps. 361 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,172 - Oh, Jesus. - Oh, my God. 362 00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,397 But I don't like music, 363 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:42,941 but I do like their song parodies. 364 00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,936 - Hmm. - It's like his favorite band. 365 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,708 He made me see them once. 366 00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:48,137 You saw the Capitol Steps live? 367 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,781 I had a UTI the whole time, 368 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,107 and I don't know which was more irritating. 369 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,481 By the way, can we just take a moment right now 370 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,180 and acknowledge that this is a big deal? 371 00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:56,852 - Okay? Seriously. - I know. 372 00:11:56,950 --> 00:11:58,990 We both dreamed about being on SNL, 373 00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:00,946 since we were kids, as cast members. 374 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,424 I know. It's crazy. 375 00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,892 I dreamed about being guest host also 376 00:12:04,992 --> 00:12:07,492 and a writer and musical guest. 377 00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:08,964 I think my mom had a point 378 00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,762 when she talked about my lack of focus. 379 00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:12,834 - What if I blow it? - That's not what you do. 380 00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,173 (Arthur) I hate to interrupt you, Hydrox, 381 00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:15,997 but I wrote to my editor friend at Gobbler, 382 00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:18,013 and he loves The Children's Menu restaurant idea. 383 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:20,105 That's amazing. 384 00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:22,107 Chubby, what do you have to say about that? 385 00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,109 [as Chubby Checker] Mazel tov, Julie. 386 00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:27,751 [upbeat rock music] 387 00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:34,218 * 388 00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:35,791 (man) * Yeah 389 00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:38,089 * Yeah, yeah 390 00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:39,461 * 391 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:40,789 * Yeah 392 00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:42,204 Yes. 393 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:44,255 I think The Children's Menu is gonna work. 394 00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,074 I'm so excited, and Arthur emailed 395 00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:47,936 all of his boring food blogs. 396 00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:50,465 Can you imagine if we became successful restaurateurs 397 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,070 at the expense of our comedy careers? 398 00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:54,112 It happened to Lisa Vanderpump. 399 00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:56,477 Oh, my God, I used to love her stand-up. 400 00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:58,276 So wait. Are you doing that Steel Magnolias bit 401 00:12:58,378 --> 00:12:59,948 for your SNL audition? 402 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:01,917 No, I went shopping for a M'Lynn wig, 403 00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:04,075 and I thought to myself, "You're shopping for a M'Lynn wig. 404 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:05,294 This is not who you are." 405 00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:06,985 So you're just gonna do your stand-up? 406 00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,817 - I think that's great. - I'm so nervous. 407 00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:10,492 Don't be nervous. Here. 408 00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:13,030 I'll distract you with my foray into YouTube superstardom. 409 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,956 Can you imagine if Andy Warhol had been around for YouTube? 410 00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:17,933 He would've posted so many irritating things. 411 00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,231 Oh, yeah, his Instagram alone would've been insufferable. 412 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:23,043 Okay, so I did Drunk Science, like Drunk History, 413 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,966 but I realized halfway through that I don't know 414 00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,983 any other comedians that I don't hate besides you, 415 00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:29,905 so I used my dogs. 416 00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,510 - Oh, the Internet loves dogs. - Yeah, you'd think so. 417 00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:33,951 Then why do I only have eight views? Watch. 418 00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:36,277 (Julie) Drunk Fucking Science with Senator Jelly Beans 419 00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:38,253 and Greg, the dogs. 420 00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:39,891 Oh, my God. I'm so drunk. 421 00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:42,057 We are friends. 422 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,115 The three of us are friends. 423 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:47,594 You just won the Nobel Prize. 424 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,034 I was robbed. 425 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,869 Oh, Babybel cheese. 426 00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:54,065 I was gonna ask you to take me to the bathroom, 427 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,997 but I just want to lie on this tile. 428 00:13:56,103 --> 00:13:57,843 [both laughing] 429 00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,138 I love it. Yeah, I mean-- 430 00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:00,539 If this doesn't get a billion views, 431 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,210 I don't want to live on this planet. 432 00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:04,039 Oh, thank you, and if SNL doesn't hire you, 433 00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:06,314 then I won't watch the show anymore. 434 00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:08,353 Well, threatening to not watch SNL 435 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,048 is the equivalent of a seven-year-old 436 00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:11,890 telling his parents he's gonna run away. 437 00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:13,145 Where you gonna go? 438 00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:16,193 Still. 439 00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:18,229 Billy, look. It's a line. 440 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:19,585 Why can't people show up like this 441 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:20,892 when we do one of our live shows? 442 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:22,564 I know. 443 00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:24,232 Know what the best part about being dead has got to be? 444 00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:26,571 Never having to promote another live show again. 445 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:28,136 Oh, that reminds me. We have to... 446 00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:29,135 (both) Kill ourselves. 447 00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:30,296 Yes. 448 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,013 [man singing indistinctly] 449 00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:35,605 [driving punk rock music] 450 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,608 The Children's Menu got some nice reviews online. 451 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,180 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 452 00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:40,279 If only I could get that kind of press 453 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,650 for the showbiz stuff I do. 454 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,348 [cell phone buzzing] 455 00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,190 (Julie) Hello? 456 00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,885 Hi. I'm in a little bit of the situation here. 457 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:48,057 What's going on? What's that noise? 458 00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,185 I gave Matthew the week off, 459 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:50,889 and because we got some press, 460 00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:53,091 actual children have been showing up a lot. 461 00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,003 - What? - I know. 462 00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,925 I guess if you put "children" in the name of your restaurant 463 00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:58,600 and you serve hot dogs, parents will bring their kids to it 464 00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:01,068 like it's that goddamn field in that Kevin Costner movie. 465 00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:03,038 Tin Cup? Oh, there's no time for jokes. 466 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:05,236 You have your SNL showcase. I'll be right over. 467 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:08,378 [scattered applause] 468 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:10,175 [laughter] 469 00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:13,277 [indistinct chatter] 470 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:15,020 - Tough crowd. - Did they laugh? 471 00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,615 No, went way over their heads. 472 00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,286 I know, but that's what they do. They don't laugh. 473 00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:20,085 I've heard that. They never laugh. 474 00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,917 Okay, well, now I know how Susan Lucci must've felt 475 00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:23,192 when she took over for Bernadette Peters 476 00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:25,360 in Annie Get Your Gun. 477 00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:26,928 God, I should've said that onstage. 478 00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:28,257 - No, you shouldn't have. - Okay. 479 00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:30,361 I didn't expect Lorne Michaels to be here. 480 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:33,633 What? No, Matthew, are you serious? 481 00:15:33,733 --> 00:15:35,973 Matthew, Matthew. 482 00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:37,269 Does Lorne come to this? 483 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:40,240 [cell phone chiming] 484 00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:45,345 (man) Please welcome to the stage Billy Epstein. 485 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:50,115 [light applause] 486 00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:52,117 Hey, guys. I'm Billy Epstein. 487 00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:54,119 [indistinct chatter] 488 00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:56,091 Oh, we're still waiting on apple juice. 489 00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:58,059 Madame, this is my own personal hell. 490 00:15:58,158 --> 00:16:00,388 How can this place not have any sippy cups? 491 00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:04,663 Because you don't have a children's menu restaurant 492 00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:05,734 for children! 493 00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:09,302 You have it for me! 494 00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:12,412 I can't wait to die! 495 00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:16,337 [driving rock music] 496 00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,183 Ooh, are you Ariel? 497 00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:20,708 Don't be an idiot and don't touch strangers. 498 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,183 Go over there. 499 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:25,123 Jesus Christ. 500 00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:27,648 - You okay there? - Oh, thank God you're here. 501 00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:30,094 Just to catch you up, I'm still a terrible babysitter. 502 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,060 Apparently, children like grabbing my hair, 503 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:33,629 and Arthur will be here any minute. 504 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,426 - How was the showcase? - It was good. 505 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,098 Lorne was there. 506 00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:38,397 - Are you serious? Oh, my God. - I know. 507 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,128 And I was actually pretty happy with what I did, 508 00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:42,644 and then the second I got off stage, 509 00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:43,735 they told me I didn't get it. 510 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,206 Oh, no. 511 00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:46,635 Who can I cyberbully? 512 00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,009 - What can I punch? - It's okay. 513 00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:49,408 I feel pretty good about it, 514 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,209 and they said I should keep trying, 515 00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:53,781 and then they said I'm pretty green still, so... 516 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,750 Well, that's good feedback, and I have to say 517 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,248 it's nice that one of us is too young for something for once. 518 00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,651 True. All right. 519 00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,252 Now, let's get to the shit show at hand. 520 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,794 How the fuck do we get these kids out of the restaurant? 521 00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:06,260 What the kids hate? Jazz... 522 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,259 The dentist, homework... 523 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,802 Kevin Spacey. 524 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,697 Oh, the news. Maybe we put on the news. 525 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,099 - Perfect. - Okay. 526 00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:15,441 New York local news is the scariest. 527 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:18,265 Police say the unidentified victim's corpse 528 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:22,241 was partially cannibalized and her eyes were sewn shut. 529 00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,482 - Coming up... - Surprise! 530 00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,447 Oh, my lucid nightmare has a punch line. 531 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:29,146 - No. - Look at this restaurant. 532 00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:32,489 It's so nice to see you succeed in some way. 533 00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,485 (Carol) Julie, you're going to love me. 534 00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:36,357 Look what I brought. 535 00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:38,286 Hi. I'm Cissy. 536 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,131 My mom said you used to babysit me, but I can't remember. 537 00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:43,198 What a natural storyteller you are. 538 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:44,426 She is. That's right. 539 00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:45,831 Yes. You know what? 540 00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:47,332 Julie is trying to be a stand-up comedian. 541 00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:48,344 Can you help her? 542 00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,065 - Aww. - Yeah. 543 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,800 Be nice if you could give her some advice. 544 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,144 You know, coming from someone who's doing as well as you. 545 00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:55,441 Well, what is it you want to do? 546 00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:57,112 Like, what is your brand? 547 00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,750 She's not sure. It always changes. 548 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:00,746 [children chattering] 549 00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:03,177 [whispers] Help her. 550 00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,323 You want to see her on the YouTube? 551 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,517 (Marilyn) Yes. 552 00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:08,218 I made a YouTube video of my dogs 553 00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:10,761 but didn't get as many views as yours. 554 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:13,457 Oh, well, I believe in myself, so... 555 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,460 Oh, no, no. I believe in myself. 556 00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:19,203 I've just lost faith in the world around me. 557 00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:20,869 I do not get people like you. 558 00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:22,737 You are so negative. 559 00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:26,105 Don't you know that you just have to decide to be successful. 560 00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:28,876 You know what, Cissy, you millennial nuisance? 561 00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:30,535 You're 19, and you're having a moment. 562 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,253 (Julie) But we will bury you. 563 00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:33,545 You don't have the strength to last in comedy. 564 00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:35,216 She's one of those people, 565 00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:36,245 "Oh, I'll make it happen for myself. 566 00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:37,879 I'll do my own shows." 567 00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:39,424 Yeah, don't wait around for a network to give you a show. 568 00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:40,889 (Billy) "Oh, I know what I'll do. 569 00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,217 I'll make my own show on my phone." 570 00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:43,762 Remember Full House? So do I. 571 00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,786 - Isn't that funny? - "I'm so hilarious." 572 00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,832 "I was born in 1996." 573 00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,897 Ugh, okay. Now I'll be you two. 574 00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:52,826 "Wah, I'm old. Wah, I'm lonely." 575 00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:55,572 Oh, see, that's where you're wrong, Cissy. 576 00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:57,868 Because I have a boyfriend. 577 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,310 [chuckles] Yes, you do. 578 00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:02,907 And I'm here to help. 579 00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:05,379 Helping hands for all the hungry children. 580 00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,378 (reporter) A new sketch of the child molester 581 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,280 who's been terrorizing schools. 582 00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:11,582 It has been distributed to local communities, 583 00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:14,394 and the hope is that authorities will receive a tip 584 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,217 and bring this horrible monster to justice. 585 00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:19,794 Hey, he looks like me. 586 00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:20,792 [all gasp] 587 00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:22,603 [silverware clatters] 588 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:24,895 (Denise) What the hell's going on? What's happening? 589 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:26,467 (Billy) Denise, hi. 590 00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:28,266 You're back early. How were the Hamptons? 591 00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:29,798 Shut up, Billy. 592 00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:31,902 What did you do to my menu? 593 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,474 And who the hell is that pedophile? 594 00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:35,813 (Marilyn) That's my daughter's boyfriend. 595 00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:44,846 [as Chubby Checker] Come on, everybody. 596 00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:46,391 It's time to have fun. 597 00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,563 Hi. What's up? It's your girl, Cissy. 598 00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:55,499 I just got yelled at by the two meanest meanies 599 00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:57,325 in the whole world. 600 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,900 Wah. Do you guys want to meet them? 601 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,329 [Auto-Tuned] You know what, Cissy? 602 00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:02,874 [Auto-Tuned] We will bury you. 603 00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:05,309 We will bury you underground. 604 00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,365 - Cissy. - We will bury you. 605 00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:09,844 We will bury you underground. 606 00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:11,612 You're 19, and you're having a moment. 607 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,511 Remember Full House? 608 00:20:13,613 --> 00:20:16,253 You millenni-- millennial nuisance-- 609 00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:17,549 - Hey. - Oh, I know everything... 610 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:20,850 - Hey. - Because I was born in 1996. 611 00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:21,993 How do you even do that? 612 00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:23,458 Yeah, she'll get 5 million views, 613 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,916 and we get nothing. 614 00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,594 It's just like The Children's Menu. 615 00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,663 Denise made all the money off of our great idea, 616 00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:30,561 and all we get in return is, you're not fired. 617 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:31,863 Yeah, this is what it must've felt like 618 00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:33,474 for one of those Motown artists 619 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,336 who got screwed over by white record executives. 620 00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:37,335 Exactly. You know what? 621 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:39,867 It's time to stop fucking around with schemes that have nothing 622 00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:42,382 to do with our chosen path and focus on show business. 623 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,605 You're right. From now on, it's just show business. 624 00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:46,381 Late night tacos. 625 00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:48,679 No tomatoes in yours, Splenda, or lettuce or cheese. 626 00:20:48,781 --> 00:20:51,021 It's just a tortilla with unseasoned ground beef. 627 00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:52,287 - Oh. - Here you go, Billy. 628 00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:53,445 - Thank you. - Arthur. 629 00:20:53,553 --> 00:20:54,993 What did I ever do to deserve you? 630 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,287 Sometimes, I wonder. 631 00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:58,529 Oh, it's 11:35. Put on SNL. 632 00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:00,385 I still say it should have been you. 633 00:21:00,493 --> 00:21:01,893 (Billy) Oh, my God. There's a new opening. 634 00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:03,704 (man on TV) It's Saturday night Live 635 00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:06,466 with Brooklyn Coppola... 636 00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:08,536 [jazzy music] 637 00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:10,295 Dax Hilton... 638 00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:12,273 * 639 00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:14,572 Blair Violet Pendelton... 640 00:21:14,674 --> 00:21:15,644 (Julie) Oh, my God. 641 00:21:15,742 --> 00:21:17,282 They're so young. 642 00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,047 So I wasn't too young. 643 00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:20,405 I was too old. 644 00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:22,553 (man on TV) Ryder Silverman... 645 00:21:22,649 --> 00:21:23,649 (Julie) How bold. 646 00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:25,720 I'm gonna keep watching, though. 647 00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:27,348 Yeah, I guess. 648 00:21:27,454 --> 00:21:28,424 (man on TV) And your host, 649 00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:31,361 the Annoying Orange. 650 00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:33,588 You know, some of his videos are actually pretty funny. 651 00:21:33,693 --> 00:21:35,533 * 652 00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:37,398 Yeah. 653 00:21:37,497 --> 00:21:38,397 They work. 654 00:21:38,498 --> 00:21:40,568 (man) * Ow 655 00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:43,037 * Thought it'd be easy 656 00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:45,665 * Thought they didn't know 657 00:21:45,772 --> 00:21:50,712 * You thought it was the only way to go * 658 00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:53,550 * Another way out 659 00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:55,746 * Found on the way home 660 00:21:55,848 --> 00:21:57,478 * Thought you were living fast 661 00:21:57,584 --> 00:22:00,054 * But you were living slow 662 00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:08,032 *