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This programme contains some strong
language and adult humour.

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Hi, I'm Jamie Laing
and I'm from Made In Chelsea,

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but today,
I'm starring in my own cop drama.

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I have to solve a murder.
I don't know any of the suspects

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and I don't know anything
that is going to happen to me.

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Wish me good luck.
I'm off to Successville.

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Welcome to Successville.
A town full of celebrities.

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Sometimes the famous faces who live
here break the law.

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And when they do,
I'm here to take them down.

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I'm DI Sleet.

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The D is for Detective, not Deborah,

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because there's no such thing
as a Deborah Inspector.

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I eat crime.
I drink justice, and I shit myself.

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It was Thursday.

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I knew it was Thursday

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because the calendar on my desk
said it was Friday.

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I run a day fast so I stay
one step ahead of the bad guys.

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Sleet? What's all this about you

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filing a report about me to HR
for bullying?

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Ah, it's just at times you can
be something of a hard-on, Chief.

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Yes, but at times, Sleet, you can be
a cat's dick-hole.

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How dare you? How fucking dare you,
after all I've done for you?

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I'm gonna take this report,
roll it into a sausage

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and shove it up your arse!

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Will you at least grease me up
this time, sir?

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Oh, God. I've got you a new recruit.

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Young man, inside, quick as you can.

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Hello.
- Hello.

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This is DI Sleet.
He's gonna be breaking you in.

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This is Jamie Laing. He hasn't got
a fucking clue what's going on.

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Sleet's gonna show you the ropes.
Is that all right?

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I'm not imposing on you
too much now, am I?

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That's fine, sir.
- Bell-end!

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Hi.

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So, daddy's little princess
doesn't want a pony any more.

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He wants to be a real-life
policeman.

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Is that right?
- Yeah, I do, I do. That's why I'm here.

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I want to be a policeman.

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You excited?
- I'm very excited.

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Take a seat.

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SLEET SIGHS

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You like to laugh, do you?
- No. I don't like to laugh.

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I mean, I laugh
when I feel uncomfortable.

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Do you like to party?

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Um, yes.

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Best party you ever went to,
tell me about it.

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It was a Neverland theme party
but it was more like,

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um, fairy tales.

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Were there girls there?
- There were girls there, and you had to...

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Did you, as the Americans may say,
"make out"?

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I think I probably would've.

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How did it go down?

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I mean, it went down OK. I...
- Show me.

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Show me how you did it.

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Usual police protocol.

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Use this as her lips.

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Like this. OK?

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So you line up for the kiss.

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Did you say anything
before you kissed her?

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No, I don't think I did.
I think I just went for the kiss.

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HE LAUGHS

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Oh, God.

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This is...
- How long did the kiss go on for?

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Show me. Was there tongues?

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There was a bit of tongue.

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Then... I must see this.

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OK.

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Oh.
- So sorry to interrupt you, Sleet.

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I was just wondering
if you could get round

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to getting your useless arse in gear
and solving a murder?!

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God, will they never stop killing?

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Bruno Tonioli,
somebody's got to him.

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The restaurateur?
- Yes. The restaurateur.

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Quick as you can, boys.
I'll be watching you.

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If you screw this up,
I'll knock your bollocks off. Yes? - Yes.

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Good.

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Chop chop.

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So, kid, this is it. To your feet.

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Let's go solve a crime!

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We'll work on your kissing
on the way.

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We headed to Bruno Tonioli's
restaurant. It was a big deal.

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Laing was popping his cherry
on his first crime scene.

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Head of Ballistics, Taylor Swift,
was already there.

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Your first crime scene, kid.

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Sleet, it's been a while.

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Oh, hi, Taylor.

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Who's this guy?

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Oh, this is Jamie Laing.
He's a sweet, young innocent.

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I'm bringing him
into a whole world of hurt and pain.

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Oh, you're good at that, aren't you?

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Seriously, watch this guy, OK? Cos
he'll lead you on, and then, pfff!

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Oh, we only had two sexes.

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What are you laughing at?
- Nothing.

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It's time we started looking
at this murder scene. - Yeah.

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Look. The trajectory of the blood
and the brain matter suggests

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that the murderer, whoever he was...
- Or she.

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Whoever he or she was...
- Or they.

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Whoever he or she or they was...
- Or were. - OK.

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Whoever he or she or they
was or were,

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was or were sitting right here.

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OK, kid, it's time you got
inside the mind of a murderer.

102
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Park your caboose down there.

103
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(I like it when you talk like this.)

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Try and keep your knickers on, Swift.

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Now what do you see, evidence-wise?

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So we have euro notes.
- Oh, euros.

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Euros. Do you remember that time
we went to Paris once?

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He, like, took me
along the Champs-Elysees.

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We went for, like,
a beautiful dinner,

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and then he took me to the
Eiffel Tower, and he bummed me.

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SLEET CHORTLES

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He bummed you?
- Mm-hm.

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I didn't take her to Paris
or the Champs-Elysees.

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Don't write this down.
Why would you write that down?

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It's not evidence.
It's not about the case.

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It's just about a bit of bumming.

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JAMIE LAUGHS

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What else is there, kid?

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We have cigarettes.

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Ah, okey dokey, we have a smoky.

121
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We have a receipt.

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What's on the receipt? Read it out.
- A green salad.

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Do it in an Italian accent,
so we can set the mood.

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A green salad...

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HE LAUGHS

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EXAGGERATED ITALIAN ACCENT:
- Bruno Tonioli, a green salad,

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spaghetti carbonara...

128
00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,320
...penne al forno...

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HE LAUGHS

130
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...ah, tiramisu...

131
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...grapple pie, a cheesecake,
a glass of house-a red.

132
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OK, kid. You now should be inside
the mind of a killer.

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What car do you drive?
- I don't drive.

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No, you're the murderer - not you.

135
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This is in the mind of the murderer.

136
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What car do you drive?
- A Fiat.

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Colour?
- Red.

138
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I mean the guy who did it.

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HE LAUGHS

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Italian-looking.

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If you ask me, this has all
the markings of a gangland hit.

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There are only two units that could
have pulled this off

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in this town, OK?
And that is Harry Styles' gang,

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and the Carr twins, Alan and Jimmy.

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Write it down.

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What about his wife?

147
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Oh, Darcey Bussell? No.

148
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She left him
two months ago for Adrian Chiles.

149
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She always liked a bad boy,
did Darcey. OK, kid? - Yeah.

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It's time to go investigate.

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You ready to see the seedy,

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disgusting underbelly
of Successville?

153
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See you soon, Taylor. Come on, kid.

154
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Goodbye, sir.

155
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'Swift had served us up
a selection of suspects.'

156
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First on the menu, the notorious
Carr brothers, Jimmy and Alan.

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Businessmen, wine pedlars,
killers, question mark?

158
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The Carr brothers, Jimmy and Alan.

159
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Alan's the brains of the outfit.

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Sharp as a tack.

161
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Jimmy is loco, like a steam train.

162
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He's bat-shit crazy, you dig?

163
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I dig. Can they hear us?

164
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No, this is completely soundproof.
You could say anything you want.

165
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Hey, Jimmy, you're a big,
stupid wally brain.

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THEY LAUGH Say something.

167
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You got a stupid coat on!
Ha-ha-ha!

168
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,400
That's not an insult, is it?
- OK. Er...

169
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...You, er...

170
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Think, come on.
- I mean, you...

171
00:07:50,750 --> 00:07:53,080
Hey, hey, Alan, you look like a frog!

172
00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,380
Yeah, you look like a bird!
- What?!

173
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:59,240
What? You said an animal,
so I copied you.

174
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You don't copy me, kid.

175
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What we need is a safe word, should
things turn doomtastic in there.

176
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Table.

177
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,320
No, not table. You can't use that,
it's a bit stupid.

178
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Sleet.

179
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No, don't say that, you'll
say my name loads in there anyway.

180
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I've got the perfect one.

181
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What?
- Earwig.

182
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Earwig?
- Earwig.

183
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,560
Why earwig?
- It's a good, old-fashioned word

184
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that's close to my brain
and my heart.

185
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We're just gonna enjoy ourselves.
Right, Laing, let's do this.

186
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,490
Thanks for popping down, boys.
It's just a few questions.

187
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I don't have to answer no questions.
This is harassment.

188
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I'm a respectable businessman.

189
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Listen, Carr, someone had pumped
Tonioli with a 42-calibre fork.

190
00:08:48,780 --> 00:08:51,220
Perhaps someone left him
a hail of bullets as a tip.

191
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:54,760
Or perhaps someone had a score
to settle! You're quiet, Jimmy.

192
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What you looking at?

193
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,920
MANIC, BRAYING LAUGHTER

194
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,840
No. Jimmy.

195
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,600
I hear you were Tonioli's
wine supplier!

196
00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:16,900
For a while.

197
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:20,480
We visited a few vineyards last
weekend, and I sell a bit on.

198
00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:21,660
What happened?

199
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,090
He got a better offer.

200
00:09:23,110 --> 00:09:24,520
Really? Like what?

201
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HE HONKS

202
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,440
Well, that is a good offer.
How could you compete?

203
00:09:30,460 --> 00:09:32,220
So Tonioli gets a new guy,

204
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:35,920
and you're left with crate upon crate
of crappy wine.

205
00:09:35,940 --> 00:09:37,880
Must have made you mad, Carr.

206
00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:39,840
Business is business, Sleet.

207
00:09:39,860 --> 00:09:41,020
So be it.

208
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,200
Would you two be able to put
your fingers in your ears

209
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,520
so I can talk
to my partner in private?

210
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:49,740
OK, listen.

211
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:53,060
I'm going to take Alan out of
the room, rough him up a bit,

212
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:56,040
ask him some questions. I'm going
to leave you in here with Jimmy.

213
00:09:56,060 --> 00:09:57,860
Leave, you mean?
- Yes, with Jimmy.

214
00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,660
Why you leaving me with Jimmy?
Look at him.

215
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:02,040
You scared of him? Look at him.
- I'm not scared of him, no.

216
00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:03,220
He's a freak. He's a loser.

217
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,200
I know he's a loser.
- He's weak. Are you weak or are you strong?

218
00:10:06,220 --> 00:10:08,960
I'm strong. Like a wrecking ball.

219
00:10:08,980 --> 00:10:10,420
I like it.

220
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,400
Don't leave any stone unturned.

221
00:10:12,420 --> 00:10:14,100
You ready?
- Ready.

222
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,810
Good boy. Hey, Alan? Unplug 'em.
Follow me.

223
00:10:16,830 --> 00:10:19,520
Let's me
and you go for a chat outside.

224
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,740
Right, I'm gonna ask you
some questions.

225
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:30,320
And I want you to answer honestly
and truthfully.

226
00:10:30,340 --> 00:10:33,000
Where were you
at the time of the murder?

227
00:10:33,020 --> 00:10:35,860
HE HONKS

228
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:39,520
I'll ask you again. Jimmy, where
were you at the time of the murder?

229
00:10:39,540 --> 00:10:42,280
HE HONKS

230
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:45,020
Last time.

231
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:49,160
Jimmy, where were you
at the time of the murder?

232
00:10:49,180 --> 00:10:51,040
Shhh!

233
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,240
DEEPER LAUGHTER

234
00:10:54,260 --> 00:10:55,660
Sit down.

235
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,360
LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES

236
00:10:57,380 --> 00:10:58,500
EARWIG!

237
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,160
LAUGHTER BECOMES MANIC PANTING

238
00:11:00,180 --> 00:11:02,380
EARWIG! Sleet!

239
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,120
LAUGHTER BECOMES HYSTERICAL

240
00:11:04,140 --> 00:11:08,380
Sleet! Sleet! Earwig?!

241
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:10,700
You're treating me
like a prize plonker, Carr.

242
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:14,600
Tell me, where were you on the night
of Tonioli's murder?

243
00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:17,040
I was at home, washing my hair.

244
00:11:17,060 --> 00:11:19,460
Yeah. Head, pit or pubic?

245
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,480
I refuse to answer that question
without my lawyer present.

246
00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:24,280
Well, you ain't gonna get no lawyer.

247
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:26,620
Sleet! Earwig!

248
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,520
JIMMY YELLS MANICALLY

249
00:11:28,540 --> 00:11:31,100
Earwig, Sleet!

250
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:33,660
HE GASPS MANICALLY

251
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:36,000
Let's see how your brother's
getting on.

252
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:40,540
What are you doing?

253
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,480
Sleet, what the hell...?
I called "earwig"!

254
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:43,940
I couldn't hear you. Sorry, kid.

255
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,360
What do you mean? It's the safe word
and you didn't come!

256
00:11:47,380 --> 00:11:49,760
What's all this crap?
- He had it with him.

257
00:11:49,780 --> 00:11:51,060
You let him here with this?

258
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,760
I didn't let him in here with this!
He was in here with this.

259
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:55,080
JIMMY LAUGHS

260
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:56,380
Hey, shut up!

261
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,710
You get any evidence?
What the hell's that?

262
00:11:58,730 --> 00:12:01,040
Why do you have that with you?
What is it?

263
00:12:01,060 --> 00:12:02,080
A Barbie.

264
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:04,380
Damn it, kid!

265
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,790
If you're not going to charge us,
we'll be going.

266
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:11,200
Be on your way, you pair of punks.
Get outta here!

267
00:12:11,220 --> 00:12:14,120
Come on, Jim. Home time.

268
00:12:14,140 --> 00:12:15,220
JIMMY LAUGHS SOFTLY

269
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,980
Get outta here,
you smarmy little shitbag.

270
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:22,360
We're no closer to the end, but this
case is just getting exciting.

271
00:12:22,380 --> 00:12:24,100
Let's go!

272
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,920
Laing had lost his wiener
up against the Carrs.

273
00:12:26,940 --> 00:12:29,500
I had to hope he could find it, ASAP.

274
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:33,380
Up next, one Darcey Bussell,
Bruno's jilted wife.

275
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:37,360
It was time for Jamie to go
undercover, with a new alias -

276
00:12:37,380 --> 00:12:38,860
Arty Boocamp.

277
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:44,000
"Arty Boocamp?" - Arty Boocamp.
Like "boot camp", but no T. Boocamp.

278
00:12:44,020 --> 00:12:45,960
Now listen, go in there,
earn her trust,

279
00:12:45,980 --> 00:12:47,920
have a good time with her.
Make Papa proud.

280
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:58,060
Oh, hello, stranger!
- Hi.

281
00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:02,760
What's a nice gentleman like you
doing in a terrible joint like this?

282
00:13:02,780 --> 00:13:03,980
Ah, I came for a drink.

283
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,800
Oh, darling, you'll have to wait.
The service is terrible.

284
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:09,020
What's your name, darling?
- I'm Arty Boocamp.

285
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:14,080
Arty Boocamp. How nice to meet you,
darling. What a pleasure!

286
00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:15,780
And where are you from,
Arty Boocamp?

287
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,100
I'm from the north,
but I have a southern accent.

288
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,840
How lovely, darling. How wonderful.
And what do you do, Arty Boocamp?

289
00:13:21,860 --> 00:13:24,160
I buy and sell exotic fruit.

290
00:13:24,180 --> 00:13:25,420
Really, darling?

291
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,850
Like papaya and... starfruit.

292
00:13:27,870 --> 00:13:30,260
Have you ever had starfruit?

293
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:31,980
Who hasn't had a starfruit?
- I know!

294
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,210
Where do you sell them, darling?
- What is your name?

295
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,440
I'm Darcey, darling.
- You're Darcey? - That's right.

296
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:38,300
You're very beautiful.
- Oh.

297
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:40,080
Can I get you both a drink?
- Yes...

298
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:41,340
(Jamie, it's me.)

299
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,160
Two whisky sours, please, darling.

300
00:13:43,180 --> 00:13:44,380
And for you, sir?

301
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:45,710
I will have the same.

302
00:13:45,730 --> 00:13:47,075
Oh, thank you, darling.

303
00:13:47,095 --> 00:13:48,440
Four whisky sours it is.

304
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:52,190
So where do you live?
- I think she likes you, darling!

305
00:13:52,210 --> 00:13:54,680
I think she does, too.
- Did you see? - I did see!

306
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:55,700
Oh, how exciting.

307
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,820
Are you married?
- Oh, darling, I was married.

308
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,540
It's such a sad thing
to talk about marriage, isn't it?

309
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,840
What was your husband's name?
- Oh, you won't know him, darling.

310
00:14:03,860 --> 00:14:06,440
What was his name? - Bruno.
- Bruno? - Bruno Tonioli.

311
00:14:06,460 --> 00:14:08,420
I don't know him.
- Oh, he was a terrible man.

312
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,200
Oh, thank you, darling.
- Why was he so...? Thank you.

313
00:14:11,220 --> 00:14:12,220
(Ask more questions.)

314
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,800
Tracey, I'll leave you a tip,
darling. Leave it there for you.

315
00:14:14,820 --> 00:14:17,960
That's very kind of you.
- Thank you, Tracey. - Yes.

316
00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:20,420
I hope you're both having
a good time.

317
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,520
But not too much of a good time
that you forget why you're here.

318
00:14:23,540 --> 00:14:25,880
Oh, well, I'd never forget
why I'm here, Tracey.

319
00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:27,060
If you know what I mean.

320
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:31,520
So, tell me. Where were you
when your poor husband was murdered?

321
00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:32,740
Oh, hello, Tracey!

322
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,140
I can't seem to stay away.

323
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:37,280
Oh, what's that over there?
- Well, I don't know, Tracey.

324
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:39,640
Listen. You better get your arse
in gear.

325
00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:41,240
We're up against the clock here, OK?

326
00:14:41,260 --> 00:14:42,580
(I'm trying to.)

327
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:43,920
Quick, kiss me.

328
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,390
I have that effect. It's a curse.

329
00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:51,660
So tell me, how come you use euros?

330
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:54,610
Oh, just travelling round Europe
all the time, darling.

331
00:14:54,630 --> 00:14:57,560
I can't tell the difference
between europes and poundens.

332
00:14:57,580 --> 00:14:59,640
And so, are you sad?
So do you miss Bruno?

333
00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:01,700
Were you guys happy?
Did you love him?

334
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,800
I loved him in my own way, darling,
but I don't think he loved me.

335
00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:05,900
Well, who shot Bruno?

336
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,550
Well, darling, the million-dollar
question, I suppose.

337
00:15:08,570 --> 00:15:11,200
I don't know. I'm just drinking
until the pain goes away.

338
00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:12,580
Were you there when he was shot?

339
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,870
Don't you find alcohol makes
everything seem better?

340
00:15:14,890 --> 00:15:17,140
It feels like you're in
a dream world when you drink.

341
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,760
Darling, you really are a poet.
It's like Ted Hughes is here.

342
00:15:19,780 --> 00:15:21,960
We are in a dream.
- I'm sorry to interrupt once more.

343
00:15:21,980 --> 00:15:23,960
Oh, Tracey,
that lipstick really suits you.

344
00:15:23,980 --> 00:15:25,980
Thank you very much.

345
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,180
Um, there is
a car waiting outside for you.

346
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:31,640
There is?
- Yes. I think you better be on your way.

347
00:15:31,660 --> 00:15:34,400
The barman said your sort
aren't welcome here.

348
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,470
Oh, I didn't realise. Oh, darling.
Take care, Mr Boocamp.

349
00:15:39,490 --> 00:15:43,080
It was a pleasure.
- It was a real pleasure meeting you.

350
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:44,800
Au revoir, darling.
- Au revoir.

351
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:48,420
Proud of yourself?

352
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:51,560
I never said that Arty Boocamp was
a complete prick, did I?

353
00:15:51,580 --> 00:15:54,580
The car's been running
for 40 minutes, Laing!

354
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,400
'Our final suspects
were Harry Styles, Niall Horan

355
00:15:57,420 --> 00:15:58,900
'and the One Direction mob.

356
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,120
'A change of clothes and a stiff
coffee later, I hatched a plan

357
00:16:02,140 --> 00:16:05,800
'so Laing could infiltrate
their gang - shebang!'

358
00:16:05,820 --> 00:16:07,120
Hockey up a perch, kid.

359
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,960
You ready for this?
- I'm ready for it.

360
00:16:12,980 --> 00:16:15,340
This is Harry Styles and his gang.

361
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:17,720
They're as lethal as they are ugly.

362
00:16:17,740 --> 00:16:19,500
He's a madman.
- Mm-hm.

363
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:23,120
You'll be able to hear everything
I say through that wire.

364
00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:26,140
Repeat everything I say.

365
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:27,740
Repeat everything I say.
- No, not now,

366
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:29,970
when you've got
the earpiece and you're in there.

367
00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:32,200
That's when you repeat
everything I say. OK? - OK.

368
00:16:32,220 --> 00:16:33,820
You need to be tough in there, kid.

369
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,200
And we think it's all right
on my first day to go in there?

370
00:16:36,220 --> 00:16:38,040
What, are you scared?
- No, I'm not scared...

371
00:16:38,060 --> 00:16:39,820
Well, do you want
me to send you down

372
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:41,580
to plant some flowers
at the roundabout?

373
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,070
No, I...
- Do you know what I did on my first day?

374
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:46,560
What?
- I took a gun. I went down to a biker gang,

375
00:16:46,580 --> 00:16:48,440
and I took them all out.

376
00:16:48,460 --> 00:16:50,320
For no goddamn reason.

377
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,180
How's that make you feel?
Are you scared of me? - No.

378
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,480
Why not? Why would you not be scared
when I tell you I've killed people?

379
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,340
Do you think I'm pathetic?
- No.

380
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,760
Do you think people have sex with my
wife behind my back? - No. - They do.

381
00:17:02,780 --> 00:17:04,200
HE GUFFAWS Is that funny?

382
00:17:04,220 --> 00:17:05,620
No, it's not. Not at all.

383
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:07,820
Have you had sex with my wife?
- No, I have not.

384
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,080
Have you had sex? - I would never...
- Look me in the eye.

385
00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:11,220
He does this to everyone.

386
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,840
You shut your face.
Be on your way. Go.

387
00:17:13,860 --> 00:17:16,380
Get out! You disgust me!

388
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:19,380
This is safe, isn't it?
- It's not safe. - OK.

389
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,080
How are they doing, beating him up?
That poor slug.

390
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:24,360
Hey, do you know how you
kill a slug?

391
00:17:24,380 --> 00:17:25,940
Pour salt on it.
- Exactly.

392
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,080
You know if you put
a stone in a piece of bread

393
00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:29,900
and give it to a pigeon,
it can't fly?

394
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:32,440
Oh, it's a shame this murder case
is getting in the way.

395
00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:33,720
I'd like to give that a try.

396
00:17:33,740 --> 00:17:34,880
Sweet Jamie.

397
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:41,000
Great men don't shit their pants.

398
00:17:41,020 --> 00:17:42,880
(Go get 'em, soldier.)

399
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:44,740
Tie him up nice and tight.

400
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,580
Do you know what we're gonna do to
you, policeman?

401
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,840
We're gonna beat you senseless,
then we're gonna kill you.

402
00:17:50,860 --> 00:17:52,820
It stinks in here.
- Anyone that...

403
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:56,840
It stinks in here. What is this?
A fart factory?

404
00:17:56,860 --> 00:17:59,220
Who the fuck are you?

405
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,450
I'm Marvin Eaglecock.

406
00:18:01,470 --> 00:18:03,660
I'm Marvin Eaglecock.

407
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:07,350
A freelance hell-raiser,
looking for some action.

408
00:18:07,370 --> 00:18:11,135
I'm a crime robot that
turns into a crime lorry.

409
00:18:11,155 --> 00:18:14,920
I'm a crime robot who
turns into a crime lorry.

410
00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:18,000
I am Optimus Crime. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

411
00:18:18,020 --> 00:18:21,060
Who's he, then? Your girlfriend?

412
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,820
Do you want me
to tear you a new arsehole?

413
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,360
I might rip it there
so you get shit in your eyes!

414
00:18:26,380 --> 00:18:28,020
You'll never get...

415
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,680
HE LAUGHS SOFTLY

416
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:31,300
What?!

417
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,220
You'll never get near my arsehole!

418
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:37,040
You finished, have you?
That's very nice.

419
00:18:37,060 --> 00:18:38,860
You seemed a little bit stuttery.

420
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,300
Are you nervous?
Do you think I have nerves?

421
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:46,520
I literally don't have nerves.
I have titanium flipping wires.

422
00:18:46,540 --> 00:18:47,920
Watch this.

423
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,000
Oh, God!

424
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:56,460
And it's back. Bada-bing!
Didn't feel a thing.

425
00:18:56,480 --> 00:19:00,110
Tell him that's the coolest thing
you've ever seen.

426
00:19:00,130 --> 00:19:03,760
Hell fire. That's the coolest
thing I've ever seen.

427
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:15,160
And I've seen a pigeon eat
some bread. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

428
00:19:15,180 --> 00:19:18,320
Ha-ha-ha!

429
00:19:18,340 --> 00:19:21,460
Ah-ha! Ha-ha!

430
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,480
And I've seen a pigeon eat some
bread with a stone in it,

431
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:25,600
and it couldn't...

432
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,150
HE GUFFAWS

433
00:19:28,170 --> 00:19:29,340
...fly!

434
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:32,000
I like him. - I like him.
- Come and take a seat.

435
00:19:32,020 --> 00:19:34,880
Sorry. just sit down now.

436
00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:35,960
It's gonna be OK.

437
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,420
Can we hear what you've got to say
now?

438
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,560
Do you want to know a little bit
about my past?

439
00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:46,660
Go on.

440
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,720
Two years ago,
I was in the Los Bandos.

441
00:19:49,740 --> 00:19:52,720
HE SPEAKS "SPANISH"

442
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,780
HE CONTINUES

443
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,840
JAMIE PICKS UP SENTENCE

444
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,900
That's...(Spanish)!

445
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,240
Those are bold words.
How many people have you killed?

446
00:20:10,260 --> 00:20:12,380
Five...

447
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,500
thousand...

448
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,820
...six...
- HE LAUGHS

449
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,400
Five thousand, six hundred...

450
00:20:19,420 --> 00:20:20,900
and...

451
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:24,600
twenty... one...

452
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,100
Native...

453
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:30,420
HE LAUGHS LOUDLY

454
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,370
Native American Indians.

455
00:20:32,390 --> 00:20:34,300
Oh, that's a bit specific.

456
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:38,800
That is specific, yeah.
- All right. OK. You're in.

457
00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:40,820
Fill him in on the facts, Niall.

458
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,440
Right, well, there's been
a bit of trouble round here,

459
00:20:43,460 --> 00:20:45,560
you might have heard.
- Yeah, I've heard.

460
00:20:45,580 --> 00:20:47,800
MICROPHONE SCREECHES
AND CLUNKS

461
00:20:47,820 --> 00:20:48,900
Boss, what's that noise?

462
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:52,440
Oi, you. Tomlinson,
go and check that out.

463
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,020
Hey! Look at me.

464
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,030
Bruno's, used to be
a nice little caff.

465
00:20:56,050 --> 00:20:58,020
Two-course lunch for under a tenner.

466
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:02,320
But, Bruno, you know,
he's been causing a lot of trouble.

467
00:21:02,340 --> 00:21:03,860
You know what I'm saying?

468
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,480
You know those food hygiene
rating stickers

469
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:09,080
you get in t'window of restaurant?

470
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:11,660
Well, Bruno's, that said five.

471
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:15,880
On the other hand, if you were
to ask my arse, it would say

472
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:18,980
very loudly,
and in no uncertain terms,

473
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,080
that it was a big, fat
bleeding zero!

474
00:21:22,100 --> 00:21:23,540
Ha-ha, just like his arse!

475
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,100
He had an arse
like a fire sprinkler.

476
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:27,840
All right, Niall. All right,
don't talk about me arse.

477
00:21:27,860 --> 00:21:29,900
Sorry, boss.

478
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:33,680
So, I had a little word
with Senor Tonioli.

479
00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:36,740
It began with a "you",
and ended with,

480
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,800
"...will regret this,
you twinkle-toed,

481
00:21:39,820 --> 00:21:42,140
"spaghetti-peddling fuckwit!"

482
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:45,440
Now it looks like someone's finally
lost it with him, you know.

483
00:21:45,460 --> 00:21:48,880
Get off me!
Get off me, you gangrenous fat toad!

484
00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:50,760
What the...?
- Let me go.

485
00:21:50,780 --> 00:21:52,260
Urgh!

486
00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:57,240
Well, well, well, well, well,
well, well.

487
00:21:57,260 --> 00:21:58,740
DI Sleet.

488
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:02,440
I thought the smell of copper was
coming from this seat here.

489
00:22:02,460 --> 00:22:04,460
Hey, Sid.
- All right.

490
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,460
Happy birthday, old friend.

491
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:10,520
Some of the guys have got you a cake
back at the station. If you make it.

492
00:22:10,540 --> 00:22:12,980
Where's your badge, Sleet?

493
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,960
Well, I was only making a cold call,
stopping by to say hello

494
00:22:15,980 --> 00:22:17,460
to some friends.

495
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,360
Oh. You told anyone
you're coming here?

496
00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:22,360
Regrettably, no.
- All right.

497
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:27,140
Shoot him.
- Jamie! Don't do it.

498
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:31,040
Jamie?! You said your name
was Marvin Eaglecock.

499
00:22:31,060 --> 00:22:32,840
Ahem. Er...
- What's going on?

500
00:22:32,860 --> 00:22:34,620
You said you were Optimus Crime.

501
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,680
You know what, you're with him.
You're a copper!

502
00:22:36,700 --> 00:22:38,540
I'm not with him!
- You're a policeman!

503
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,560
Come here. - You're a policeman.
- WIRE SCREECHES

504
00:22:40,580 --> 00:22:42,600
In fact, I see it now!

505
00:22:42,620 --> 00:22:44,620
A wire!
- Sorry, Jamie.

506
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:46,220
Looks like we're both done for.

507
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,710
And Sid, of course,
but he was always dead anyway.

508
00:22:48,730 --> 00:22:51,200
Right. Take these two next door
and tie 'em up.

509
00:22:51,220 --> 00:22:53,120
Right, come on, big nuts.
- Get off me!

510
00:22:53,140 --> 00:22:55,040
You won't get away with this.

511
00:22:55,060 --> 00:22:56,940
I'll get away with what I want!

512
00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:00,680
You don't scare me, Sleet.
You big ponce!

513
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,440
GROANING

514
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:09,740
Jamie.
- Yeah.

515
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:13,160
Can you see anything
that might get us out of this?

516
00:23:13,180 --> 00:23:14,980
Oh, there's some scissors.
- Where?

517
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,280
In front of me.
There's some scissors just there.

518
00:23:17,300 --> 00:23:19,300
Do you think you can...?
Oh, wait there.

519
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,300
Jamie, Jamie, Jamie,
guess what I can see?

520
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:24,240
What can you see?
- A big old lump of cheese.

521
00:23:24,260 --> 00:23:25,820
Cheese?
- Yes.

522
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,280
What are you going to do with the cheese?
- Eat it, of course.

523
00:23:28,300 --> 00:23:30,660
We're trying to escape.
We don't need to eat now.

524
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,880
If we can get to the cheese,
we can get our strength up,

525
00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:34,740
then we can come back
and get the scissors.

526
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,360
Well, how we going to get the cheese?
- Follow my lead. Ready?

527
00:23:37,380 --> 00:23:39,160
Yeah.
- One, two, three - go.

528
00:23:39,180 --> 00:23:41,000
THEY GRUNT AND STRAIN

529
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:49,960
I'm nearly at the cheese. I'm
nearly at the sweet, sweet cheese.

530
00:23:49,980 --> 00:23:52,760
Ah... You're so heavy.
Why are you so heavy?

531
00:23:52,780 --> 00:23:55,720
I have a problem with eating.

532
00:23:55,740 --> 00:23:57,540
JAMIE LAUGHS

533
00:23:57,560 --> 00:23:59,630
CHAIR SCRAPES ON FLOOR

534
00:23:59,650 --> 00:24:01,700
Bend, kid. Bend, boy.

535
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,520
I'm trying to bend.
My back doesn't bend.

536
00:24:04,540 --> 00:24:06,560
Arrrgh!

537
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,340
PLATE SMASHES

538
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:13,380
The cheese has gone.

539
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:17,400
I don't often admit that I'm wrong,
but, thinking about it...

540
00:24:17,420 --> 00:24:20,260
we should have probably got
the scissors first.

541
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:23,100
How far are the scissors away now?
- So far.

542
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:26,680
Listen, sweet boy, you're going to
have to lead this. Ready?

543
00:24:26,700 --> 00:24:29,080
BREATHLESS: - OK, ready. - Go.

544
00:24:29,100 --> 00:24:30,600
THEY GRUNT

545
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,880
LAUGHING: - What you doing?
I feel like we can stand up.

546
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:38,600
Twist... twist.

547
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,160
I'm on... I'm on the chair.

548
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:49,970
You're just dragging me.
- I got... the scissors, boy.

549
00:24:49,990 --> 00:24:53,640
Use your teeth to get the scissors.
Go on your knees.

550
00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,320
OK. Excellent.

551
00:24:56,680 --> 00:25:00,200
Actually, I think
we can shake out of this.

552
00:25:00,220 --> 00:25:01,720
Jamie, I got the scissors.

553
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:05,870
Hey, you know what?
- What?

554
00:25:05,890 --> 00:25:07,560
I think we really bonded there.

555
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:13,460
That is old-fashioned teamwork.

556
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,500
Now let's go and bust these suckers!

557
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:19,440
'Jamie had finally proved his mettle.
We lured the suspects to the docks.

558
00:25:19,460 --> 00:25:22,720
'Time to serve up justice,
alfresco style.'

559
00:25:22,740 --> 00:25:24,940
Oh, hello, it's the Carr sisters.

560
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,100
Oh, here we are.
The One Erection boys.

561
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:30,150
Funny seeing you here, darling.
- Funny how? Do I amuse you?

562
00:25:30,170 --> 00:25:33,200
Here, calm down, boss, you know.
- This is our territory.

563
00:25:33,220 --> 00:25:34,880
Back off, laughing boy.

564
00:25:34,900 --> 00:25:36,700
WHOOPING LAUGH

565
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,160
He wasn't talking to you.
- Was that a laugh?

566
00:25:39,180 --> 00:25:40,820
Sounds like he's got whooping cough.

567
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:42,840
Oi, watch your mouth.
We've had the cop...

568
00:25:42,860 --> 00:25:44,160
CLANG
- It's Sleet!

569
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:48,380
Everybody easy.

570
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:51,100
Well, looksey here, Jamie boy,

571
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:54,910
we got ourselves
an old-school Mexican standoff.

572
00:25:54,930 --> 00:25:58,720
Jamie, I want you to
take down whoever you think

573
00:25:58,740 --> 00:26:00,860
killed Bruno Tonioli.

574
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:05,600
And when you do it, kid,
say something real cool.

575
00:26:05,620 --> 00:26:08,360
Yippee ki-yay, Darcey Bussell!

576
00:26:08,380 --> 00:26:10,240
SHE SCREAMS

577
00:26:10,260 --> 00:26:12,120
Mr Boocamp!

578
00:26:12,140 --> 00:26:13,940
Ow!

579
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:15,620
Flippin' heck.

580
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:17,590
WHOOPING SCREAMS Jimmy!

581
00:26:17,610 --> 00:26:19,540
No, come on now, big man.

582
00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:21,140
Think of the fans now.
No, come on now.

583
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:24,360
Hey, Niall. Pretty silly
bringing a knife to a gunfight.

584
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:26,800
You missed.

585
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:29,330
HE WAILS

586
00:26:29,350 --> 00:26:30,680
Don't!

587
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,560
THUNDER RUMBLES

588
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,060
PAINED WHOOPING

589
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,630
How cool was that?
- That was cool.

590
00:26:41,650 --> 00:26:44,180
Two guys just out shooting bad guys.

591
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:47,480
You know something, Jamie,
I've never felt this close

592
00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:48,980
to anyone in my life.

593
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:52,920
I'm proud of ya, kid. Daddy's proud.
Real proud.

594
00:26:52,940 --> 00:26:55,780
I feel like a proud...
- What's going on?

595
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,530
What's...? What's that?
What's thaaat?

596
00:26:58,550 --> 00:27:01,280
Who's responsible
for this bloodbath?

597
00:27:01,300 --> 00:27:04,380
He is, sir. Jamie Laing.

598
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:08,050
Why? Why did you shoot
Darcey Bussell?

599
00:27:08,070 --> 00:27:11,700
Cos she killed her husband.
- What?

600
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,870
In the restaurant,
there were euros on the table.

601
00:27:14,890 --> 00:27:18,040
She paid for the receipt.
There was wine on the wall.

602
00:27:18,060 --> 00:27:20,060
She'd thrown wine on the walls.
- Wow.

603
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,200
She was obviously upset
and hurt and killed him.

604
00:27:23,220 --> 00:27:26,040
You were surrounded by
hardened criminals,

605
00:27:26,060 --> 00:27:28,880
and you decided to shoot
an innocent woman.

606
00:27:28,900 --> 00:27:30,580
How do you feel? Big?

607
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:33,960
It was obviously the Carr twins,
you doughnut.

608
00:27:33,980 --> 00:27:37,260
Yes? They were pissed off at Bruno

609
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:40,500
because he changed wine suppliers,
yeah?

610
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,920
He got a better offer.
- Must have made you mad, Carr.

611
00:27:42,940 --> 00:27:45,500
Business is business, Sleet.

612
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,370
They'd been in France
on a booze cruise.

613
00:27:48,390 --> 00:27:51,240
There was a tip in euros
at the restaurant,

614
00:27:51,260 --> 00:27:54,020
and they smoked cigarettes.

615
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:57,920
It couldn't have been Darcey
because she smoked e-cigarettes,

616
00:27:57,940 --> 00:28:00,220
and Taylor told you...

617
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,000
Oh, this has all
the markings of a gangland hit.

618
00:28:03,020 --> 00:28:04,660
You know, when he puts it like that,

619
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:06,840
it's pretty obvious
it wasn't Darcey, actually.

620
00:28:06,860 --> 00:28:09,900
Laing. You're fired.

621
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,560
And as for you, Johnny Big Balls,
piss off home.

622
00:28:12,580 --> 00:28:13,720
Fuck me.

623
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:17,900
How do you feel, kid?

624
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:20,140
I just killed an innocent woman.

625
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:24,300
You know something? It happens.
That's the job, I guess.

626
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:27,000
You're not going to let it
weigh on your conscience, are you?

627
00:28:27,020 --> 00:28:29,420
Well, I'm not going to be
your partner any more.

628
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:31,840
Yeah, but we can still be friends,
can't we?

629
00:28:31,860 --> 00:28:33,360
We are friends, aren't we?
- We are.

630
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:39,480
Hey, what say Arty Boocamp
and Billy Sticks go and get a drink?

631
00:28:39,500 --> 00:28:41,260
You know who Billy Sticks is?
- No.

632
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,040
He's Arty Boocamp's best friend.

633
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:48,460
Come on, you multi-murderer.

634
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,840
You never did tell me
how Made In Chelsea ends.

635
00:28:50,860 --> 00:28:53,040
MUSIC: Higher Love
by Steve Winwood

636
00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,800
♪ Bring me a higher love

637
00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:02,440
♪ Where's that higher love
I keep thinking of?

638
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:08,470
♪ Worlds are turning
and we're just hanging on

639
00:29:08,490 --> 00:29:13,240
♪ Facing our fear
and standing out there alone

640
00:29:13,260 --> 00:29:17,300
♪ A yearning,
and it's real to me

641
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:22,120
♪ There must be someone
who's feeling for me... ♪