This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
Hi, I'm Jamie Laing and I'm from Made In Chelsea,
but today, I'm starring in my own cop drama.
I have to solve a murder. I don't know any of the suspects
and I don't know anything that is going to happen to me.
Wish me good luck. I'm off to Successville.
Welcome to Successville. A town full of celebrities.
Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law.
And when they do, I'm here to take them down.
I'm DI Sleet.
The D is for Detective, not Deborah,
because there's no such thing as a Deborah Inspector.
I eat crime. I drink justice, and I shit myself.
It was Thursday.
I knew it was Thursday
because the calendar on my desk said it was Friday.
I run a day fast so I stay one step ahead of the bad guys.
Sleet? What's all this about you
filing a report about me to HR for bullying?
Ah, it's just at times you can be something of a hard-on, Chief.
Yes, but at times, Sleet, you can be a cat's dick-hole.
How dare you? How fucking dare you, after all I've done for you?
I'm gonna take this report, roll it into a sausage
and shove it up your arse!
Will you at least grease me up this time, sir?
Oh, God. I've got you a new recruit.
Young man, inside, quick as you can.
Hello. - Hello.
This is DI Sleet. He's gonna be breaking you in.
This is Jamie Laing. He hasn't got a fucking clue what's going on.
Sleet's gonna show you the ropes. Is that all right?
I'm not imposing on you too much now, am I?
That's fine, sir. - Bell-end!
Hi.
So, daddy's little princess doesn't want a pony any more.
He wants to be a real-life policeman.
Is that right? - Yeah, I do, I do. That's why I'm here.
I want to be a policeman.
You excited? - I'm very excited.
Take a seat.
SLEET SIGHS
You like to laugh, do you? - No. I don't like to laugh.
I mean, I laugh when I feel uncomfortable.
Do you like to party?
Um, yes.
Best party you ever went to, tell me about it.
It was a Neverland theme party but it was more like,
um, fairy tales.
Were there girls there? - There were girls there, and you had to...
Did you, as the Americans may say, "make out"?
I think I probably would've.
How did it go down?
I mean, it went down OK. I... - Show me.
Show me how you did it.
Usual police protocol.
Use this as her lips.
Like this. OK?
So you line up for the kiss.
Did you say anything before you kissed her?
No, I don't think I did. I think I just went for the kiss.
HE LAUGHS
Oh, God.
This is... - How long did the kiss go on for?
Show me. Was there tongues?
There was a bit of tongue.
Then... I must see this.
OK.
Oh. - So sorry to interrupt you, Sleet.
I was just wondering if you could get round
to getting your useless arse in gear and solving a murder?!
God, will they never stop killing?
Bruno Tonioli, somebody's got to him.
The restaurateur? - Yes. The restaurateur.
Quick as you can, boys. I'll be watching you.
If you screw this up, I'll knock your bollocks off. Yes? - Yes.
Good.
Chop chop.
So, kid, this is it. To your feet.
Let's go solve a crime!
We'll work on your kissing on the way.
We headed to Bruno Tonioli's restaurant. It was a big deal.
Laing was popping his cherry on his first crime scene.
Head of Ballistics, Taylor Swift, was already there.
Your first crime scene, kid.
Sleet, it's been a while.
Oh, hi, Taylor.
Who's this guy?
Oh, this is Jamie Laing. He's a sweet, young innocent.
I'm bringing him into a whole world of hurt and pain.
Oh, you're good at that, aren't you?
Seriously, watch this guy, OK? Cos he'll lead you on, and then, pfff!
Oh, we only had two sexes.
What are you laughing at? - Nothing.
It's time we started looking at this murder scene. - Yeah.
Look. The trajectory of the blood and the brain matter suggests
that the murderer, whoever he was... - Or she.
Whoever he or she was... - Or they.
Whoever he or she or they was... - Or were. - OK.
Whoever he or she or they was or were,
was or were sitting right here.
OK, kid, it's time you got inside the mind of a murderer.
Park your caboose down there.
(I like it when you talk like this.)
Try and keep your knickers on, Swift.
Now what do you see, evidence-wise?
So we have euro notes. - Oh, euros.
Euros. Do you remember that time we went to Paris once?
He, like, took me along the Champs-Elysees.
We went for, like, a beautiful dinner,
and then he took me to the Eiffel Tower, and he bummed me.
SLEET CHORTLES
He bummed you? - Mm-hm.
I didn't take her to Paris or the Champs-Elysees.
Don't write this down. Why would you write that down?
It's not evidence. It's not about the case.
It's just about a bit of bumming.
JAMIE LAUGHS
What else is there, kid?
We have cigarettes.
Ah, okey dokey, we have a smoky.
We have a receipt.
What's on the receipt? Read it out. - A green salad.
Do it in an Italian accent, so we can set the mood.
A green salad...
HE LAUGHS
EXAGGERATED ITALIAN ACCENT: - Bruno Tonioli, a green salad,
spaghetti carbonara...
...penne al forno...
HE LAUGHS
...ah, tiramisu...
...grapple pie, a cheesecake, a glass of house-a red.
OK, kid. You now should be inside the mind of a killer.
What car do you drive? - I don't drive.
No, you're the murderer - not you.
This is in the mind of the murderer.
What car do you drive? - A Fiat.
Colour? - Red.
I mean the guy who did it.
HE LAUGHS
Italian-looking.
If you ask me, this has all the markings of a gangland hit.
There are only two units that could have pulled this off
in this town, OK? And that is Harry Styles' gang,
and the Carr twins, Alan and Jimmy.
Write it down.
What about his wife?
Oh, Darcey Bussell? No.
She left him two months ago for Adrian Chiles.
She always liked a bad boy, did Darcey. OK, kid? - Yeah.
It's time to go investigate.
You ready to see the seedy,
disgusting underbelly of Successville?
See you soon, Taylor. Come on, kid.
Goodbye, sir.
'Swift had served us up a selection of suspects.'
First on the menu, the notorious Carr brothers, Jimmy and Alan.
Businessmen, wine pedlars, killers, question mark?
The Carr brothers, Jimmy and Alan.
Alan's the brains of the outfit.
Sharp as a tack.
Jimmy is loco, like a steam train.
He's bat-shit crazy, you dig?
I dig. Can they hear us?
No, this is completely soundproof. You could say anything you want.
Hey, Jimmy, you're a big, stupid wally brain.
THEY LAUGH Say something.
You got a stupid coat on! Ha-ha-ha!
That's not an insult, is it? - OK. Er...
...You, er...
Think, come on. - I mean, you...
Hey, hey, Alan, you look like a frog!
Yeah, you look like a bird! - What?!
What? You said an animal, so I copied you.
You don't copy me, kid.
What we need is a safe word, should things turn doomtastic in there.
Table.
No, not table. You can't use that, it's a bit stupid.
Sleet.
No, don't say that, you'll say my name loads in there anyway.
I've got the perfect one.
What? - Earwig.
Earwig? - Earwig.
Why earwig? - It's a good, old-fashioned word
that's close to my brain and my heart.
We're just gonna enjoy ourselves. Right, Laing, let's do this.
Thanks for popping down, boys. It's just a few questions.
I don't have to answer no questions. This is harassment.
I'm a respectable businessman.
Listen, Carr, someone had pumped Tonioli with a 42-calibre fork.
Perhaps someone left him a hail of bullets as a tip.
Or perhaps someone had a score to settle! You're quiet, Jimmy.
What you looking at?
MANIC, BRAYING LAUGHTER
No. Jimmy.
I hear you were Tonioli's wine supplier!
For a while.
We visited a few vineyards last weekend, and I sell a bit on.
What happened?
He got a better offer.
Really? Like what?
HE HONKS
Well, that is a good offer. How could you compete?
So Tonioli gets a new guy,
and you're left with crate upon crate of crappy wine.
Must have made you mad, Carr.
Business is business, Sleet.
So be it.
Would you two be able to put your fingers in your ears
so I can talk to my partner in private?
OK, listen.
I'm going to take Alan out of the room, rough him up a bit,
ask him some questions. I'm going to leave you in here with Jimmy.
Leave, you mean? - Yes, with Jimmy.
Why you leaving me with Jimmy? Look at him.
You scared of him? Look at him. - I'm not scared of him, no.
He's a freak. He's a loser.
I know he's a loser. - He's weak. Are you weak or are you strong?
I'm strong. Like a wrecking ball.
I like it.
Don't leave any stone unturned.
You ready? - Ready.
Good boy. Hey, Alan? Unplug 'em. Follow me.
Let's me and you go for a chat outside.
Right, I'm gonna ask you some questions.
And I want you to answer honestly and truthfully.
Where were you at the time of the murder?
HE HONKS
I'll ask you again. Jimmy, where were you at the time of the murder?
HE HONKS
Last time.
Jimmy, where were you at the time of the murder?
Shhh!
DEEPER LAUGHTER
Sit down.
LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES
EARWIG!
LAUGHTER BECOMES MANIC PANTING
EARWIG! Sleet!
LAUGHTER BECOMES HYSTERICAL
Sleet! Sleet! Earwig?!
You're treating me like a prize plonker, Carr.
Tell me, where were you on the night of Tonioli's murder?
I was at home, washing my hair.
Yeah. Head, pit or pubic?
I refuse to answer that question without my lawyer present.
Well, you ain't gonna get no lawyer.
Sleet! Earwig!
JIMMY YELLS MANICALLY
Earwig, Sleet!
HE GASPS MANICALLY
Let's see how your brother's getting on.
What are you doing?
Sleet, what the hell...? I called "earwig"!
I couldn't hear you. Sorry, kid.
What do you mean? It's the safe word and you didn't come!
What's all this crap? - He had it with him.
You let him here with this?
I didn't let him in here with this! He was in here with this.
JIMMY LAUGHS
Hey, shut up!
You get any evidence? What the hell's that?
Why do you have that with you? What is it?
A Barbie.
Damn it, kid!
If you're not going to charge us, we'll be going.
Be on your way, you pair of punks. Get outta here!
Come on, Jim. Home time.
JIMMY LAUGHS SOFTLY
Get outta here, you smarmy little shitbag.
We're no closer to the end, but this case is just getting exciting.
Let's go!
Laing had lost his wiener up against the Carrs.
I had to hope he could find it, ASAP.
Up next, one Darcey Bussell, Bruno's jilted wife.
It was time for Jamie to go undercover, with a new alias -
Arty Boocamp.
"Arty Boocamp?" - Arty Boocamp. Like "boot camp", but no T. Boocamp.
Now listen, go in there, earn her trust,
have a good time with her. Make Papa proud.
Oh, hello, stranger! - Hi.
What's a nice gentleman like you doing in a terrible joint like this?
Ah, I came for a drink.
Oh, darling, you'll have to wait. The service is terrible.
What's your name, darling? - I'm Arty Boocamp.
Arty Boocamp. How nice to meet you, darling. What a pleasure!
And where are you from, Arty Boocamp?
I'm from the north, but I have a southern accent.
How lovely, darling. How wonderful. And what do you do, Arty Boocamp?
I buy and sell exotic fruit.
Really, darling?
Like papaya and... starfruit.
Have you ever had starfruit?
Who hasn't had a starfruit? - I know!
Where do you sell them, darling? - What is your name?
I'm Darcey, darling. - You're Darcey? - That's right.
You're very beautiful. - Oh.
Can I get you both a drink? - Yes...
(Jamie, it's me.)
Two whisky sours, please, darling.
And for you, sir?
I will have the same.
Oh, thank you, darling.
Four whisky sours it is.
So where do you live? - I think she likes you, darling!
I think she does, too. - Did you see? - I did see!
Oh, how exciting.
Are you married? - Oh, darling, I was married.
It's such a sad thing to talk about marriage, isn't it?
What was your husband's name? - Oh, you won't know him, darling.
What was his name? - Bruno. - Bruno? - Bruno Tonioli.
I don't know him. - Oh, he was a terrible man.
Oh, thank you, darling. - Why was he so...? Thank you.
(Ask more questions.)
Tracey, I'll leave you a tip, darling. Leave it there for you.
That's very kind of you. - Thank you, Tracey. - Yes.
I hope you're both having a good time.
But not too much of a good time that you forget why you're here.
Oh, well, I'd never forget why I'm here, Tracey.
If you know what I mean.
So, tell me. Where were you when your poor husband was murdered?
Oh, hello, Tracey!
I can't seem to stay away.
Oh, what's that over there? - Well, I don't know, Tracey.
Listen. You better get your arse in gear.
We're up against the clock here, OK?
(I'm trying to.)
Quick, kiss me.
I have that effect. It's a curse.
So tell me, how come you use euros?
Oh, just travelling round Europe all the time, darling.
I can't tell the difference between europes and poundens.
And so, are you sad? So do you miss Bruno?
Were you guys happy? Did you love him?
I loved him in my own way, darling, but I don't think he loved me.
Well, who shot Bruno?
Well, darling, the million-dollar question, I suppose.
I don't know. I'm just drinking until the pain goes away.
Were you there when he was shot?
Don't you find alcohol makes everything seem better?
It feels like you're in a dream world when you drink.
Darling, you really are a poet. It's like Ted Hughes is here.
We are in a dream. - I'm sorry to interrupt once more.
Oh, Tracey, that lipstick really suits you.
Thank you very much.
Um, there is a car waiting outside for you.
There is? - Yes. I think you better be on your way.
The barman said your sort aren't welcome here.
Oh, I didn't realise. Oh, darling. Take care, Mr Boocamp.
It was a pleasure. - It was a real pleasure meeting you.
Au revoir, darling. - Au revoir.
Proud of yourself?
I never said that Arty Boocamp was a complete prick, did I?
The car's been running for 40 minutes, Laing!
'Our final suspects were Harry Styles, Niall Horan
'and the One Direction mob.
'A change of clothes and a stiff coffee later, I hatched a plan
'so Laing could infiltrate their gang - shebang!'
Hockey up a perch, kid.
You ready for this? - I'm ready for it.
This is Harry Styles and his gang.
They're as lethal as they are ugly.
He's a madman. - Mm-hm.
You'll be able to hear everything I say through that wire.
Repeat everything I say.
- No, not now,
when you've got the earpiece and you're in there.
That's when you repeat everything I say. OK? - OK.
You need to be tough in there, kid.
And we think it's all right on my first day to go in there?
What, are you scared? - No, I'm not scared...
Well, do you want me to send you down
to plant some flowers at the roundabout?
No, I... - Do you know what I did on my first day?
What? - I took a gun. I went down to a biker gang,
and I took them all out.
For no goddamn reason.
How's that make you feel? Are you scared of me? - No.
Why not? Why would you not be scared when I tell you I've killed people?
Do you think I'm pathetic? - No.
Do you think people have sex with my wife behind my back? - No. - They do.
HE GUFFAWS Is that funny?
No, it's not. Not at all.
Have you had sex with my wife? - No, I have not.
Have you had sex? - I would never... - Look me in the eye.
He does this to everyone.
You shut your face. Be on your way. Go.
Get out! You disgust me!
This is safe, isn't it? - It's not safe. - OK.
How are they doing, beating him up? That poor slug.
Hey, do you know how you kill a slug?
Pour salt on it. - Exactly.
You know if you put a stone in a piece of bread
and give it to a pigeon, it can't fly?
Oh, it's a shame this murder case is getting in the way.
I'd like to give that a try.
Sweet Jamie.
Great men don't shit their pants.
(Go get 'em, soldier.)
Tie him up nice and tight.
Do you know what we're gonna do to you, policeman?
We're gonna beat you senseless, then we're gonna kill you.
It stinks in here. - Anyone that...
It stinks in here. What is this? A fart factory?
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Marvin Eaglecock.
A freelance hell-raiser, looking for some action.
I'm a crime robot that turns into a crime lorry.
I'm a crime robot who turns into a crime lorry.
I am Optimus Crime. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Who's he, then? Your girlfriend?
Do you want me to tear you a new arsehole?
I might rip it there so you get shit in your eyes!
You'll never get...
HE LAUGHS SOFTLY
What?!
You'll never get near my arsehole!
You finished, have you? That's very nice.
You seemed a little bit stuttery.
Are you nervous? Do you think I have nerves?
I literally don't have nerves. I have titanium flipping wires.
Watch this.
Oh, God!
And it's back. Bada-bing! Didn't feel a thing.
Tell him that's the coolest thing you've ever seen.
Hell fire. That's the coolest thing I've ever seen.
And I've seen a pigeon eat some bread. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha!
Ah-ha! Ha-ha!
And I've seen a pigeon eat some bread with a stone in it,
and it couldn't...
HE GUFFAWS
...fly!
I like him. - I like him. - Come and take a seat.
Sorry. just sit down now.
It's gonna be OK.
Can we hear what you've got to say now?
Do you want to know a little bit about my past?
Go on.
Two years ago, I was in the Los Bandos.
HE SPEAKS "SPANISH"
HE CONTINUES
JAMIE PICKS UP SENTENCE
That's...(Spanish)!
Those are bold words. How many people have you killed?
Five...
thousand...
...six... - HE LAUGHS
Five thousand, six hundred...
and...
twenty... one...
Native...
HE LAUGHS LOUDLY
Native American Indians.
Oh, that's a bit specific.
That is specific, yeah. - All right. OK. You're in.
Fill him in on the facts, Niall.
Right, well, there's been a bit of trouble round here,
you might have heard. - Yeah, I've heard.
MICROPHONE SCREECHES AND CLUNKS
Boss, what's that noise?
Oi, you. Tomlinson, go and check that out.
Hey! Look at me.
Bruno's, used to be a nice little caff.
Two-course lunch for under a tenner.
But, Bruno, you know, he's been causing a lot of trouble.
You know what I'm saying?
You know those food hygiene rating stickers
you get in t'window of restaurant?
Well, Bruno's, that said five.
On the other hand, if you were to ask my arse, it would say
very loudly, and in no uncertain terms,
that it was a big, fat bleeding zero!
Ha-ha, just like his arse!
He had an arse like a fire sprinkler.
All right, Niall. All right, don't talk about me arse.
Sorry, boss.
So, I had a little word with Senor Tonioli.
It began with a "you", and ended with,
"...will regret this, you twinkle-toed,
"spaghetti-peddling fuckwit!"
Now it looks like someone's finally lost it with him, you know.
Get off me! Get off me, you gangrenous fat toad!
What the...? - Let me go.
Urgh!
Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
DI Sleet.
I thought the smell of copper was coming from this seat here.
Hey, Sid. - All right.
Happy birthday, old friend.
Some of the guys have got you a cake back at the station. If you make it.
Where's your badge, Sleet?
Well, I was only making a cold call, stopping by to say hello
to some friends.
Oh. You told anyone you're coming here?
Regrettably, no. - All right.
Shoot him. - Jamie! Don't do it.
Jamie?! You said your name was Marvin Eaglecock.
Ahem. Er... - What's going on?
You said you were Optimus Crime.
You know what, you're with him. You're a copper!
I'm not with him! - You're a policeman!
Come here. - You're a policeman. - WIRE SCREECHES
In fact, I see it now!
A wire! - Sorry, Jamie.
Looks like we're both done for.
And Sid, of course, but he was always dead anyway.
Right. Take these two next door and tie 'em up.
Right, come on, big nuts. - Get off me!
You won't get away with this.
I'll get away with what I want!
You don't scare me, Sleet. You big ponce!
GROANING
Jamie. - Yeah.
Can you see anything that might get us out of this?
Oh, there's some scissors. - Where?
In front of me. There's some scissors just there.
Do you think you can...? Oh, wait there.
Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, guess what I can see?
What can you see? - A big old lump of cheese.
Cheese? - Yes.
What are you going to do with the cheese? - Eat it, of course.
We're trying to escape. We don't need to eat now.
If we can get to the cheese, we can get our strength up,
then we can come back and get the scissors.
Well, how we going to get the cheese? - Follow my lead. Ready?
Yeah. - One, two, three - go.
THEY GRUNT AND STRAIN
I'm nearly at the cheese. I'm nearly at the sweet, sweet cheese.
Ah... You're so heavy. Why are you so heavy?
I have a problem with eating.
JAMIE LAUGHS
CHAIR SCRAPES ON FLOOR
Bend, kid. Bend, boy.
I'm trying to bend. My back doesn't bend.
Arrrgh!
PLATE SMASHES
The cheese has gone.
I don't often admit that I'm wrong, but, thinking about it...
we should have probably got the scissors first.
How far are the scissors away now? - So far.
Listen, sweet boy, you're going to have to lead this. Ready?
BREATHLESS: - OK, ready. - Go.
THEY GRUNT
LAUGHING: - What you doing? I feel like we can stand up.
Twist... twist.
I'm on... I'm on the chair.
You're just dragging me. - I got... the scissors, boy.
Use your teeth to get the scissors. Go on your knees.
OK. Excellent.
Actually, I think we can shake out of this.
Jamie, I got the scissors.
Hey, you know what? - What?
I think we really bonded there.
That is old-fashioned teamwork.
Now let's go and bust these suckers!
'Jamie had finally proved his mettle. We lured the suspects to the docks.
'Time to serve up justice, alfresco style.'
Oh, hello, it's the Carr sisters.
Oh, here we are. The One Erection boys.
Funny seeing you here, darling. - Funny how? Do I amuse you?
Here, calm down, boss, you know. - This is our territory.
Back off, laughing boy.
WHOOPING LAUGH
He wasn't talking to you. - Was that a laugh?
Sounds like he's got whooping cough.
Oi, watch your mouth. We've had the cop...
CLANG - It's Sleet!
Everybody easy.
Well, looksey here, Jamie boy,
we got ourselves an old-school Mexican standoff.
Jamie, I want you to take down whoever you think
killed Bruno Tonioli.
And when you do it, kid, say something real cool.
Yippee ki-yay, Darcey Bussell!
SHE SCREAMS
Mr Boocamp!
Ow!
Flippin' heck.
WHOOPING SCREAMS Jimmy!
No, come on now, big man.
Think of the fans now. No, come on now.
Hey, Niall. Pretty silly bringing a knife to a gunfight.
You missed.
HE WAILS
Don't!
THUNDER RUMBLES
PAINED WHOOPING
How cool was that? - That was cool.
Two guys just out shooting bad guys.
You know something, Jamie, I've never felt this close
to anyone in my life.
I'm proud of ya, kid. Daddy's proud. Real proud.
I feel like a proud... - What's going on?
What's...? What's that? What's thaaat?
Who's responsible for this bloodbath?
He is, sir. Jamie Laing.
Why? Why did you shoot Darcey Bussell?
Cos she killed her husband. - What?
In the restaurant, there were euros on the table.
She paid for the receipt. There was wine on the wall.
She'd thrown wine on the walls. - Wow.
She was obviously upset and hurt and killed him.
You were surrounded by hardened criminals,
and you decided to shoot an innocent woman.
How do you feel? Big?
It was obviously the Carr twins, you doughnut.
Yes? They were pissed off at Bruno
because he changed wine suppliers, yeah?
He got a better offer. - Must have made you mad, Carr.
Business is business, Sleet.
They'd been in France on a booze cruise.
There was a tip in euros at the restaurant,
and they smoked cigarettes.
It couldn't have been Darcey because she smoked e-cigarettes,
and Taylor told you...
Oh, this has all the markings of a gangland hit.
You know, when he puts it like that,
it's pretty obvious it wasn't Darcey, actually.
Laing. You're fired.
And as for you, Johnny Big Balls, piss off home.
Fuck me.
How do you feel, kid?
I just killed an innocent woman.
You know something? It happens. That's the job, I guess.
You're not going to let it weigh on your conscience, are you?
Well, I'm not going to be your partner any more.
Yeah, but we can still be friends, can't we?
We are friends, aren't we? - We are.
Hey, what say Arty Boocamp and Billy Sticks go and get a drink?
You know who Billy Sticks is? - No.
He's Arty Boocamp's best friend.
Come on, you multi-murderer.
You never did tell me how Made In Chelsea ends.
MUSIC: Higher Love by Steve Winwood
♪ Bring me a higher love
♪ Where's that higher love I keep thinking of?
♪ Worlds are turning and we're just hanging on
♪ Facing our fear and standing out there alone
♪ A yearning, and it's real to me
♪ There must be someone who's feeling for me... ♪