We went shopping for a whiskey night the other day.
That's a big fuck‐off bottle of Gus N' Bru.
It's better to be looking at it then looking for it.
You boys getting into it tonight?
Yeah, it's a Texas‐sized ten‐four.
That's a Texas‐sized two‐six.
That's a Texas Micky, super shooters, let's get cracking.
Wayne.
What's the problem, Katy?
It happened again. What did?
Gus left a Mr. Big on the floor this morning.
No, he never.
He dropped a Hershey bar in the living room just last Tuesday,
although upon closer inspection, it did look more like a Hershey's mint.
Well, I'd sooner believe that was you, Squirrelly Dan.
So watch how you speak on his name, you know?
Hey, buddy... He left a Twix on the floor just yesterday.
And what made it a Twix as opposed to a Big Turk, Dary?
Well, there were two of 'em.
They're identical, and they're side by each.
Over and out. How would you ask somebody if you wanted just
one of their Twix's?
Well, just what you said. "Can I have one of your Twix's?"
No, it'd be... "Could I have a Twick?"
In any event, it's starting to look like Willy Wonka's emptying his pockets
around your house, good buddy.
Now, you's realize the weight of these allegations.
These accusations.
Can confirm.
And you's realize the consequences at hand should your claim be false.
Claims is's this. Can confirm's.
I'll only give you's one more chance to retract.
No questions asked.
Before this conversation becomes a confrontation.
We wouldn't be bringing it to you if it weren't worth being brought'en.
‐But... ‐Bring it on.
Oh, it has been broughten.
I'm just kidding around.
He's a ten‐year‐old boy, now.
He's made me proud for a goddamn decade.
He's been a real good bo.
He's been such a bo.
But he's a senior now.
He's on the home stretch, and I'm trying to let him enjoy it.
Snoozin' on the furniture, lots of human food.
Leash is so long now, she's limp.
And he's earned it.
So you're just gonna let him drop Baby Ruth's all over the house?
As opposed to what, Katy?
Just give him a real good, stern talking to.
Oh, yeah, and how's that gonna shake down?
He's probably half fuckin' deaf.
Aren't you, you fuckin' geezer?
The same way it shook down for the last decade before you stopped disciplining him,
just 'cause he's old.
Okay, Katy. Katy, okay, I'm going in.
Wish me luck.
All right, was that you leaving Crispy Crunchers all over the floor?
'Cause that's a bad dog, don't you do that again, that's bad.
Lickety‐split.
Ah, that's a wee bit aggressive.
Oh is that what I'm being, Dary?
Well, that's your pal you're talking to over there,
fairly accusatory. I'd say give him benefit of the doubt.
I wouldn't. Well, you didn't even ask him if he did it there.
You just assumed, I think you're better than that.
Okay, Dary. Dary, okay, I'm going back in, wish me luck.
Aye.
Was that you leaving Jersey Milks on the floor?
Because that's bad, if that was you, that was bad.
Don't you do that again ever, 'cause I'll be there.
You're not taking this seriously.
Oh, is that what I'm not doing, Katy?
No, you're joking around and he knows it.
It's, "Bad boy, this is a bad boy."
Hey, he knows that I'm joking but he doesn't know that you're joking.
Don't say "bad" unless you mean bad.
I'm sorry, Gus.
That's okay, he's a good boy, he's such a boy.
Why don't you just try using your real voice? It may permeate better.
Okay, Katy. Katy, okay, I'm going back in.
Wish me luck.
Hey, bud.
I noticed that you've been leaving Caramilks all over the floor,
you know what's gonna happen? Someone's gonna step on one in the night
and take a header, someone's gonna pull a full gainer down the stairs.
Or at the very least, a half gainer.
So what you wanna do is do that outside like a good boy.
Please and thanks.
I thinks we're almost there.
Oh, is that where we almost are, Squirrelly Dan?
Now, Professor Tricia says that when you're bringing a complaints to someone,
they'll be more receptive to altering their behavior
if you make it your problem.
Make it personal rather than placing the blames on them.
What are you fuckin' getting on about over there?
May I's? Okay, Dan. Dan, okay.
Go on in, good luck.
Gus, how are you now?
Now, we've all noticed the Coffee Crisps around the house,
and that's completely natural and nothing for youse to be embarrassed about.
But I am quite worried I am going to slip on one and take a full gainer,
or... Please look at me when I'm talking, Gus.
Now, while I know that that is my problem,
I know you don't want this to happen any more than I do.
So I'm hoping we can works together to find a resolution to this problem.
But besides that, we want you to know, we think you're doing a terrific job around here
and we don't want to bothers you anymore than we needs to,
so you have yourself a great day.
I'm not going to make you sit through that butt‐fuckery, Bud, away you go.
You're a good boy, away you go.
Away you go.
Look, I know he's just snoozing on the furniture all day,
but you take him out for routine number twos.
Ten‐four?
You try taking him out, Katy, he don't wanna.
You can say, "Hey, Gus, wanna rock one?"
And if he could talk, he'd say, "I've had to rock one for a good seven, eight hours.
"Don't worry about that right now.
"I'm gonna grab another quick 20, 25 shut‐eye here, we'll circle back
"on the conversation later.
"But how about some good itchings and scratchings in the meantime?"
(SNIFFING)
Whoo!
Smells like Mr. Wonka's just emptied his pockets in the other room.
(SIGHS) Fuck.
Well, everybody up, help me look.
Better to be looking at it, than looking for it, eh?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Ladies. Women.
It has come to our attention that there may be a young man who has come between you girls.
I mean... How do you mean?
Well, Betty‐Anne, Mary‐Anne.
We were told that you may be going for the same guy.
Or, or that the same guy may be going for both of you.
Impossible. How do you mean?
The last guy that was into Mary‐Anne was the priest at Catholic school in grade six.
And only 'cause he thought she was a boy.
Well done, Betty‐Anne. Catholic school, grade six.
Isn't that the same year you got the nickname "Fisted Sister"?
Which you gave yourself?
Ladies. "Women."
And a fitting nickname it was, Betty‐Anne.
Your mitt looks like a boa constrictor unhinged its jaw
in an effort to consume a combat submarine.
BETTY‐ANNE: Speaking of consumption,
your mitt looks like the drooping jowls of a shar‐pei
with a palsy and a water wing in its mouth.
Your mitt looks like the back of Kelsey Grammer's head circa Frasier '94
if the cast each autographed his bald spot with multi‐colored lipsticks.
Your mitt has more spiderwebs than a No Doubt set list, Mary‐Anne.
Betty‐Anne, your mitt is so dusty, I can hear it singing Son of a Preacher Man.
We've gotta go to the source, buddy. It's our only hope, buddy.
BOTH: Ferda.
(FARTS, PLOPPING) SHORESY: I'm not helping you tit‐fuckers or those twats.
Give your balls a tug.
We're at the bottom of the line here, Shoresy.
SHORESY: You wanna talk about lines, you fuckin' loser?
I woke up to your mum rippin' dick‐dingers off my foreskin,
tell her to keep her hands off my scoops.
(FARTS) JONESY: Fuck you, Shoresy.
Fuck you, Jonesy, I made your mum cum so hard
they made a Canadian Heritage Minute out of it and Don McKellar played my dick.
REILLY: Fuck you, Shoresy. Fuck you, Reilly.
I made your mum so wet, Trudeau deployed a 24‐hour infantry unit
to stack sand bags around my bed. (FARTS)
BOTH: Fuck you, Shoresy.
SHORESY: Fuck you both, your lives are so fuckin' pathetic,
I ran a charity 15K to raise awareness for it, you fuckin' losers.
(ALL FART)
(ALL GROANING)
STEWART: Where is he? He was supposed to be here an hour ago.
Everyone stay composed. I'm going to sever Everett's phalanges one by one,
and force‐feed them to him, fondue style.
Your terms are not acceptable, Roald.
STEWART: I'm going to rip off his ears and use them to tickle his taint.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
STEWART: I'm going to scalp him of his skin, wear it like a costume, and perform
The Rocky Horror Picture Show in its entirety, while he watches.
I need to lie down.
The end is nigh.
Stewart!
Would you come down here, please?
Everett.
Hey, dude.
Did you hear all of that?
Bits and pieces, something about a picture show in the Rockies.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Everett.
Give me the... (TRAILS OFF)
Stewart.
Glen?
Stewart.
Glen. This is...
No it's not! ...an intervention.
Roald. Stewart...
Roald! (CHOKING)
Stewart.
Unhand Roaldie.
(GASPS)
Come.
Sit.
Stay.
But... (TSKS)
Oh, I like you.
You're coming with me and Glen.
Where?
To a place where you can get away.
Yeah.
You can't mean... Oh, yes, Stewart.
You don't mean... Yes, Stewart.
No! Stewart...
You're going to rehab.
No! Yes.
No. Yes.
No!
Yes.
(WHIMPERS)
Ladies.
Women.
(SOFTLY) Sorry. (SOFTLY) It's okay.
Um, we spoke with Shoresy.
You did? And?
And he, um... What?
He said... What?
He said you suck at hockey.
Huh? Yeah, he said you should stick
to Ringette. Huh?
Yeah, he said that you should never ever let a woman do a man's job.
He did? BOTH: Yeah.
I was standing there like, "What is this guy saying?"
And then he said, "Who let the broads out of the kitchen?"
He did not. Yeah.
And we were like, "What?
"You can't say that." And he's like,
"Yeah, I can. They should be making me my supper."
And I was, "Whoa, dude."
Did he? Yeah.
I mean, we're like, "Dude, you're crazy."
Then he said, "I mean, how'd they find time for hockey,
"while they're cleaning the floors and doing my laundry."
Did he? Yeah,
and that's not even... That's not even the craziest part.
Like we were... And believe us,
we had had enough at this point, but we were like,
"Are you sure about this?"
And he was like, "Anybody can go back‐to‐back."
Yeah, and we're like, "Dude, you better stop talking about those girls
"like that." Mmm.
"Better stop talking about those women like that."
But he said, "Talk to me when they go back‐to‐back‐
"to‐back."
That's what he said.
Mary‐Anne. Betty‐Anne.
What rhymes with hip, lip and dip?
Ship. What rhymes with coat, note and tote?
Boat. Why don't you say you, me and the girls
put another one on the water?
Back‐to‐back‐to‐back!
(ALL CHEERING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
You're driving. Would if I could, but I can't.
Okay. You boys leaning into one tonight?
Well, it's better to be looking at it than looking for it.
How about our very own Shamrockettes?
Playing for the fuckin' 'ship.
When a local team plays for the championship, that's something
the whole town can get behind.
Creates a pretty good sense of community, too.
And a series sweeps, no less.
A wee bit of Meryl Sweep.
Sweep in wolf's clothing.
The lion sweeps tonight.
Drive safe.
Stewart gets out of rehab today, so I'm keeping it local.
Pitter‐patter.
Wayne. Dwayne.
Daryl. Cheryl.
Dan. Pam.
See youse brought your brooms.
Shop's nothing but a couple side‐roads down, though.
Oh, youse didn't hear? We're working for Sweep Country Canada now.
Don't fear the sweeper.
Why don't you use those brooms and show us
that little dance those fellows do in Mary Poppins?
If we offer you a beer are we sweeping with the enemies, or...
You should've used those brooms to sweep the cobwebs off of Letterkenny's trophy case.
Well, it's good you got the beer sorted,
but is that Donegal tap water still stinky, or...
Youse got a liberal amount of beer there,
not sure it's gonna be enough to drown your sorrows after we shit‐kick youse today.
Youse are on the brink of elimination,
read it and sweep. Hey.
Win or lose, youse guys have still got the most ostrich‐fuckers
per capita, right?
That's the big picture.
Allegedlys.
Bet you wish you could put your head in the sand and ignore that one, huh?
May the best town win.
Ladies. None finer than you, Mary‐Anne.
Women.
None more admirable than you, Betty‐Anne.
We've overcome adversity.
Found a way to win.
(YELLS)
Let's get this fucking win, let's get this fucking sweep!
And let's get this luxury fucking sea liner on the lake!
(ALL CHEERING)
League final, buddy. Game four, buddy.
Suits on deck. What could go wrong?
BOTH: Shoresy? Give your balls a tug.
BOTH: Shoresy! Tit‐fuckers.
We heard what you said about us, you sack of shit.
"Never let a woman do a man's job," huh?
Watch this, we're just taking a break from cooking and cleaning to win
back‐to‐back‐to‐back 'ships, asshole.
I'll make you a sandwich afterwards, though,
I'll shove it up your ass for you, too.
You two are the silliest twats I've ever met in my whole fuckin' life.
I didn't say any of that shit, you dumb broads.
But I did say your breath could stop a Mack Truck, Betty‐Anne,
I'll tell that to anyone who will listen.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Fuck you, Shoresy.
Fuck you, Betty‐Anne, your breath is an existential crisis,
made me question my whole fuckin' life.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Fuck you, Shoresy.
Fuck you, Mary‐Anne, you got legs on you like redwoods,
you could box‐jump a bungalow.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Fuck you, Shoresy.
Fuck you, Reilly, your mum groped me two Halloweens ago,
shut the fuck up or I'll take it to Twitter.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Fuck you, Shoresy.
You're a horrible fuckin' ref.
Fuck you, Jonesy, take a look at me, I'm not even a ref,
I'm a fuckin' linesman, but you can referee on my nuts, you piece of shit.
ALL: Fuck you, Shoresy!
I'd still smash you both if I was bored,
but Reilly and Jonesy's mums get too jealous.
Make yourselves useful, grab me a bag of dill picklers.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Good luck, you fuckin' losers.
Let's stick it to that fuck.
Literally and figuratively.
Who the fuck skates like that?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Stewart's recovery has been...
Remarkable.
(EXHALES)
He is almost...
Unrecognizable.
Are you ready?
Ready!
Calm down, Roald.
Stewart!
(GASPS)
(REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE) (ALL CHEERING)
Fuck the wave, pull your finger out of your ass.
I remember when you could smoke in here.
Yeah, we're gonna smoke youse in here, bud.
Came here to do two things,
launch this broom on the ice and drink, and the gal at the bar just told me I'm cut off.
Your gals look slower than my tractor,
of course, mine's got a HEMI in her.
Your gals are having a tougher time
finding the puck than NHL on Fox circa 1996.
I've seen more hustle in chess.
Still no heaters in here, eh? I remember Letterkenny mounting the 50.
Let's go, Shamrockettes!
(CLAPPING) ALL: Let's go, Shamrockettes!
(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
ALL: Let's go, Shamrockettes.
(CHANTING AND CLAPPING CONTINUES)
Pass to me!
(FARTS)
(CHANTING AND CLAPPING CONTINUES)
(ALL CHEERING)
Okay, ladies... "Women."
SHORESY: Hurry up and score a fuckin' goal already, I'm getting the bedtime sillies.
Fuck off, Shoresy, give us our time‐out.
Fuck you, Reilly, tell your mum to give me a time‐out.
The last time I tried that, she threatened to take a header on me
into an empty pool at the Quality Suites.
Fuck you, Shoresy, leave us alone.
Fuck you, Jonesy, tell your mum to leave me alone,
she's been laying in my fuckin' water bed since Labor Day.
ALL: Fuck you, Shoresy.
Fuck you all, your lives are so sad, I get a charity tax break
just for hanging out with you.
Nice sweep, no sweep, give your balls a tug.
Enough fuckin' around. Let's do this.
(ALL CHEERING)
(BELL DINGING)
(ALL CHEERING)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
(SOBBING)
ALL: (CHANTING) Shamrockettes!
(ALL WHOOPING)
We did it, buddy.
Can't believe it, buddy.
(CHUCKLING)
We won a fuckin' 'ship.
(LAUGHS) We bought that boat.
(SNIFFS)
(EXHALES) (EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Hmm.
Yeah, it's Mum.
Mine too. (LAUGHS) Probably wanna say congratulations.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)