We were discussing headlines from the city newspaper the other day...
DAN: Damn shame about MoDeans burning down.
Do you know what? It's really something
how we keep losing those locations to drink at.
The Ukrainian Center is a healthy consolation, though.
Well, everybody knows the cheapest beers are at the Ukrainian Center.
With the Legion being a close second.
When's Gail getting back from her South American singles resort?
When she's had her fill, I suppose.
Delicious pun.
Thank you, Wayne.
ALL: Thank you, Bonnie.
(DAN GRUMBLING)
Now, was that your tummy grumbling? Or was that you proper?
DAN: That'd be me proper.
A little grumble in the jungle over there.
Little grumble in the Bronx.
A little royal grumble.
DAN: It was a grumble proper.
Now, I'm a devout pupil of Social Justice Warriors, Professor Tricia.
The devoutest.
But dare I say things in the city is getting wee bit out of hands.
What's the frequency, Kenneth?
Well, the story I just read here is quite the incredible chain of events.
You know, there's so many causes now.
They're just tripping right over each other.
Well, it's better than driving into each other.
That was a bit dark, Dary.
What's the scoop, Dan?
Here's the scoop.
Bunch of gals said that they were gonna stop tweetings for a day
out of protest for sexual abuses towards womens.
And they encouraged mens to stops tweetings in supports of the womens.
So, what's the problem? Oh, I wasn't finished.
Well, what happened next?
DAN: I'll tells you what happens next.
Some black gals joined in on the protest,
but they got mad at the white girls protesting,
because womens of colors didn't receive the same supports on similar issues.
I think I see where you're going with this.
Well, did something happen even after that?
DAN: Something did happen after that.
One of the white gals asking for supports got supports from one guy,
but she told him he could fuck right off
because apparently he used to call gals "broads" back in high schools.
But they are tweeting about not tweeting. Do I have that right?
I got a feeling something even happened after that.
Yeah, me too, Dary. Me too. I got that same feeling.
Well, here's what happened even after that.
The President of Iceland sends out
a happy birthday tweet to his daughter, Alfheiour.
And now all the gals saying that you shouldn't be tweetings
turns hims into public enemy number one.
And it's on Twitter they're doing that?
And to the President of Iceland, they're doing that?
Icelanders are the most lovable fucking people on planet Earth.
One more thing even happens, so help me God.
So help me God. Something else did happen after that,
because it turns out the President of Iceland's daughter, Alfheiour,
has got herself a case of the Down syndromes.
So here comes the Special Olympics advocates,
and they're in a real bad way.
As they should be.
If you wanna go at Iceland, you better have your fucking facts right.
Well, here's the kicker, turns out the President of Iceland's daughter, Alfheiour,
is also a refugee from war‐torn Somalia what he's adopted.
So that increases the tension between
the womens of colors not tweeting
and the white gals not tweeting.
To top it all off, here comes World Vision,
and they're coming in a'swinging.
Fuck every duck. What next?
Oh, here's what happened after that.
Remember that first guy that they told to fucks right off
'cause he used to call gals "broads" back in high school?
Turns out he's paralyzed from the waist down.
So here comes the war amps saying, "You better back the fuck off our guy."
Enough's enough.
I can't handle anymore.
Well, there's no way there's more. There's no goddamn way.
Wait. There is more.
Turns out the President of Icelands
is paralyzed from the necks down,
so now everybody's back on Iceland's sides again.
Oh, right where they should've been the whole fucking time.
Now, it's from the neck down that he's paralyzed, you say?
So, how does he even make a tweet?
And they're all doing this on Twitter?
Where else but Twitter would this be happenings?
On the day they're not exposed to be tweeting?
On the very same day they're not exposed to be tweeting.
ALL: Jesus!
DAN: (GASPING) Look what's happening in local news!
ALL: What?
Stay tuned to find out.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, the Letterkenny Chiefs is changing their names and logos.
That sounds about right. Probably for the best.
They had a good run.
The only constant in life is change, as they say.
"The only constant in life is change"?
It's a wee bit to wrap your head around there.
Well, the only constant around here is everything stays the sames.
Any‐who...
According to the writers of the Letterkenny Banner,
the whole world's going to hells in a hand baskets.
DARYL: Sounds about right.
KATY: Probably for the best. WAYNE: We had a good run.
As long as we're going in a hand basket.
As opposed to what kind of basket?
Well, there's a bazillion different kinds of baskets.
Hand and waste paper. What else?
Okay, so maybe there's not a bazillion different kinds, but...
Yeah, it's definitely not a bazillion different kinds...
Yeah, that's what I just said,
"There's not a bazillion different kinds of baskets."
Well, don't come in here saying "bazillion" unless you mean a bazillion...
Okay. I was just for emphasis. I was saying,
"Bazillion different kinds of baskets."
Go ahead and name five kinds of baskets
besides hands and waste paper.
Okay. Floor basket,
hanging basket, wall basket,
bike basket, basketball basket.
All right.
I withdraw.
Bamboo bakset, britan bakset, liquor bakset.
Bakset?
Yes, that's one of two words that Dary can't say right.
What's the other one, Dary? Brefekst.
Yeah, Dary can't say the word "breakfast" either.
You wanna try, bud? Brefekst. Bakset.
Attaboy.
So, what are they changing the name to?
According to this, they're letting the publics decides with an onlines polls.
Ooh, boy.
Not a good idea. Is there a worse idea?
Currently, the Letterkenny Rough Riders is leading by a hair.
(WAYNE GRUMBLING)
Is that your tummy grumbling? Or is that you proper?
No, that'd be me proper.
What's the rumpus, grumpus?
Don't you think that there's already too many Rough Riders in the area as it is?
You got the Redford Rough Riders. And a one.
You got the Welno Rough Riders. And a two.
And don't forget the Greater Maddawascow Rough Riders.
And a three. And that's just off the tippy tops of our heads.
Does get a bit confusing during playoffs.
People like to root for a Rough Rider.
Yeah, but if we're all going to be Rough Riders, why even have teams?
Why not just be a big bunch of Rough Riders?
Why don't you just name the whole league the Rough Riders?
Why even stop there?
Why don't we just go ahead and name the whole human race Rough Riders?
Like, you see what I'm saying.
Yeah. Today, we're all Rough Riders.
What exactly is a Rough Rider?
I don't know. All's I'm saying is that there's too many of them. Don't you see?
KATY: So, what else is in the running?
DAN: Ah, second place is the Letterkenny Muff Riders.
Yeah, I can get behind Muff Riders.
Hmm. What else?
Third place goes to the Letterkenny Foot Fuckers.
Shouldn't that be in first place,
on account that it has foot in the title, and it's a soccer team?
What else?
Well, fourth place is a tie between the Big Nickelbacks and the 69ers.
(CHUCKLING)
Both good choices.
KATY: I don't know who to root for.
DAN: People likes to root for a 69er.
(GRUMBLING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I don't have a problem.
I don't have... I don't have a problem. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I don't have a problem.
(SHOUTING) Where is it? It's right here.
First, the meth.
(WHINING)
(SHOUTING) I think you do have a problem.
I don't have a problem!
You've never acted like this before the...
This is all because of the... (INAUDIBLE)
I've never seen it get its claws in so deep.
(GRUNTS)
Give me the dark web.
Stewart! I need the dark web.
You're killing him!
(MOANING) It is killing you!
Give me the dark web.
Take the dark web.
The dark web is yours. (COUGHS)
(GASPS)
Okay, so you keep the meth over there, right?
We do. Let me show you.
I'm in.
Letterkenny, the hard right is inside of you.
Fuck!
These stooges again.
I don't see a video request from them.
How am I hearing their voice?
Must be some high‐tech dark web shit.
Stu? Stu!
Appreciate the Stooges reference.
Everyone knows Curly was the original skinhead.
Plus Ron Asheton from Iggy and the Stooges had a real Third Reich obsession.
Good Christ! It smells like somebody's been smoking gate waves in here.
The Chiefs are changing their name.
Who?
Your beloved junior soccer team.
BOTH: Who?
Ah! Nobody cares about anything anymore.
What about the history? The tradition?
What's a junior soccer team?
Some people still care, all right? You best believe.
And we are recruiting.
So, gentlemen, are you ready to join the hard right?
Politics? (SCOFFS)
We're anarchists.
(SCOFFS) Yeah. Who cares if the soccer team changes its name?
The hard right, that's who.
Chiefs is a strong name.
I remember a time when being called a chief was a good thing.
People like to root for a chief.
(EXCLAIMS) This used to be the heartland.
Now, it is just the other heartland
of far‐left liberal cucks.
Did somebody get their feelings hurt?
Did somebody sign a petition?
Uh, news flash, you're all caving to PC culture.
You're just a bunch of far‐left liberal fucking pinko snowflakes.
Oh, we've been called worse.
But might as well just change the name to Letterkenny Cucks.
Regional champs of Cuckistan! Okay.
This is what the failed patriarchy looks like.
I'm so sick of you beta male SJWs.
We're not SJWs.
I actually identify as a wood nymph.
Super weird. Be gone.
Oh, we'll be gone.
Just as soon as you betas show us where the alphas are.
I'll see myself out. I assume all of you are following suit.
(SHOUTS)
He talks more than I do.
That was weird.
Ah, yes! Now we're talking. The alphas. Real men.
No matriarchy in sight.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Hard Right Jay, and I represent the Hard Right,
a group with far‐right ideologies
that rejects mainstream conservatism and endeavors to promote white nationalism.
Oh, white nationalism?
Good thing Gail, the owner of the old bars ain't here.
Oh, small town bar owner, what is she, like a good sixth‐generation Scottish woman?
No.
What are you's getting on about over there?
Did you dinks bring these dudes here?
What's the first meal of the day, Daryl?
Your mom. Attaboy.
Breakfast!
Ah, that's it, right. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah.
Run away like true socialistas.
At least your actions are consistent with your failed ideologies.
You edgelords are a walking horde of participation trophies.
Go back to giving out hand jobs for free.
We're not socialistas. I'm still with her.
We're anarchists. And our hand jobs aren't free.
So...
Forg...
Forgive...
Forgive them. They don't see the big picture. Yet.
What's the big picture?
You wanna see how deep this rabbit hole really goes?
Or are you guys globalists?
What's that? Ah!
I'll admit, I was anticipating
the low energy, country cuck road show, but you're curious.
Color me glad.
It's time to wake up.
It's time for you to spit out all of the toxic sludge
you've been spoon fed by the Ian Hanomansings
and the Gloria Macarenkos of the world.
We are a movement.
Bowel movement by the looks of it.
Ah, hachi‐machi, I like your fire.
We could use more women in the movement.
We have next to none, for reasons we can't quite decode.
Pitter patter. Yes, pitter patter.
All lives matter.
News flash, the out of control PC police
are forcing your beloved Letterkenny Chiefs to change their name.
Yeah, we caught that.
Yeah, well, we're here to protest that.
Our legions of brothers will be joining me
at John Letterkenny Field later.
And we want you, the salt of the earth alphas,
the stewards of traditional morals, traditional values, the silent majority, to join us.
The fight against poor, uneducated libtards
requires nothing short of a massacre.
Now you're a bit fucking dramatic, eh?
Why is keeping the name of the Chiefs important to you?
ALL: It isn't. Oh, oh, it's not. It isn't?
Well, not really, in the long run. Nor the short run, really.
Yeah, no need to get your jimmies all out of joint.
Well, but you... You understand why it's important to fight the left? Yes?
I didn't know it was necessary, much less important.
The point is the government is trying to keep you
and your humble agricultural livelihoods thoroughly cucked.
It's time to wake up and smell the chem trails.
It's time to stand up for your God given right
to have kick‐ass names for all your favorite teams,
and fuck anybody whose feelings get hurt along the way.
Oh, is that what time it is?
Oh, you think I don't have feelings? You think my feelings don't get hurt?
My grandfather has a pacemaker, right?
Every time I watch the Indiana Pacers play basketball,
it makes me think of Papi.
And his irregular heartbeat. And it fucks me up, big time.
You see me complaining to the Indiana Pacers or anyone in the NBA?
Mmm, suck it up, buttercup.
So? So what?
So join us.
Tell you what. I'll fight you for it. You and me.
Sorry, what? What I'm saying is,
I'll fight you.
And if you win I'll come to the field with you.
But if you lose, we're not asking for anything in return.
Ah, you SJWs are a lost cause.
I'm going to troll!
Letterkenny Chiefs! Letterkenny Chiefs!
We can do this, buddy.
We can establish order, buddy. I know we can.
HARD RIGHT JAY: Of course you can.
(INHALES) Ah.
Hockey, eh?
Fastest sport on Earth.
And the whitest too, arguably, so bonus points there.
Okay, the Catholic school games are on the other rink.
Uh, we just, uh, thought you strapping alphas
might want to know that the globalists
are trying to turn your small town into a hive
of post‐castrati extremism.
What the fuck's castrati?
Uh, it's a pasta, bro.
Uh, it's pronounced "pah‐sta," bro. Is it?
Today, it's the Letterkenny Chiefs. Tomorrow, it'll be your beloved Shamrocks.
Well, you know, the Chiefs is kinda not PC though, buddy.
We try to keep it, like, kind of in touch there.
What if they decide to get butt hurt over the Letterkenny Shamrocks name next
and force you to change it
just because they don't know how to control their... Their fragile beta male emotions?
What then, huh?
You don't see a bunch of Irish people protesting here, do you?
No, you don't.
They're not, (IMITATING IRISH ACCENT) "Argh, please change your name!"
None of that's happening. You wanna know why?
Because Irish people don't fucking complain about anything, all right?
Irish people know how to take it like a champ, okay?
You take their potatoes away, they don't say a fucking thing.
It's pronounced "po‐tah‐to." Is it?
It's called "manning up," gentlemen. You might want to look into it.
What do you think, buddy?
I think this guy's a goof, buddy.
Cool, buddy. Yeah, but...
On that note, I'm not really a fan of the Shamrocks name.
‐Really? ‐Yeah.
Me too, buddy. I mean, if we're talking about some kind of negative
stereotype attached to that name, you know?
Right? It's like, just because my name is Reilly,
that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a drunken leprechaun.
Maybe we should change the name, buddy.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
What's this about a name change?
If anybody should change their names, it should be us.
What the hell's a Shamrockette anyway? A leaf with tits?
Oh, this isn't your matriarch, is it?
You can't just add "ette" to the end of the men's team and expect women to like it.
We should change our names to something fierce and feminine and powerful.
Like the Screaming Banshees.
That's good, Mary‐Anne. Impressive creativity.
Couple of hens clucking away.
Especially for a girl who had to start kindergarten two years late
because she couldn't grasp coloring.
I've plenty of good ideas, Betty‐Anne.
Like convincing your dad to get a vasectomy
so I wouldn't have to worry about another you coming into the world while I fucked him.
We were just starting to get them under control.
You're screwing it up, bro. You're getting them all fired up again.
Bringing family into it now, Mary‐Anne? I would never stoop so low,
especially with the recent passing of your mother,
who told me before she died that my dad is your dad too.
You're fucking up our progress, man. Just get out of here.
It's only gonna get worse too. Thanks a lot.
Ah, these Tumblrinas have lost the plot anyway.
Letterkenny Chiefs! Letterkenny Chiefs! (SIGHS)
Where the fuck is everybody? This is supposed to be a protest.
We need people to protest and piss off and agitate.
Ay, ay, ay. Whose idea was this stupid name change anyway?
TANIS: Ours.
S'up, Nazis?
Nazi? Hilarious.
Ain't nothing funny about this, honky.
No, but Nazi, really? Nazi?
Would a Nazi ride a Yamaha scooter?
A pansy Nazi? Sure.
Would a Nazi have a Jew for a lawyer?
Could you refer me, asshole? 'Cause I'm gonna need one in a minute.
Would a Nazi own a game‐worn Tim Duncan jersey?
You sniff that shit before bed at night, cupcake?
Would a Nazi's favorite snacks include ramen, pad thai, or pho?
It's pronounced "pho‐e," "Pho‐e," dummy.
Oh.
All right, would a Nazi get turned on by interracial gang bang porn?
Who fucking doesn't?
All right, I think we all need to chill out here.
We're getting ahead of ourselves.
We are an inclusive movement.
I think you should join us.
Is that what we should do?
Yes.
Think about it, Sacagawea.
(STAMMERING) We share a lot. We have a lot in common.
We both pride ourselves on traditional values, traditional morals.
We share a very anti‐immigration stance.
You know, if you think about it, we actually share a lot of common ground.
(SCOFFS) Historically, sharing ground hasn't been your strong suit.
If you guys are here, then who's jerking off in your mom's basement?
Somewhere there's a men's rights meeting missing their door greeters.
Yeah, look. I get it. You're frustrated.
It must be really exhausting never paying taxes your whole lives.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
All right. Enough chin‐wagging.
Another hen cluck, cluck, clucking away.
Hey, no one had a problem with this. No one had a problem until you's came to town.
That's it. The Hard Right, coming to a town near you.
Yeah, we didn't come here to counter‐protest.
Ain't nothing peaceful gonna happen today.
Hey, we don't practice violence.
We do. We don't practice violence.
But we are prepared for it.
All right. Let's go then. Let's do this.
You and what army?
That one.
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Golden pastures from here.
It's all I see.
Nary a chem trail in the sky.
Possibility of a gentle Nor'Wester.
Oh, three to five clicks by the look of her.
(ALL BANG TABLE)
Well, times to check in on the Letterkenny Banner.
What's the latest?
(DAN GRUMBLING)
Was that your tummy grumbling or was that you proper?
That was my tummy. Good enough.
Well, it looks like they canceled the online polls to pick the new team name.
Oh, is that what they did?
Yeah, it seems like the Muff Riders was runnings away with it.
Foot Fuckers made more sense by far. I'm disappointed.
What are they going with instead?
Rough Riders. Of course they are.
Playoffs start next week.
Who they playing? Runforough Rough Riders.
That's gonna be a really good game.
DARYL: Must be hard kicking the ball in the snow.
My money's on the Rough Riders.
You're crazy. I got the Rough Riders by a mile.
Care to make it interesting?
DAN: I'll put ten bucks on the Rough Riders.
Make it twenty. I'll take that.
I'm in too.
DAN: See, Wayne, people love to cheer for a rough rider.
The world's going to hell in a hand basket, big brother.
In a what, Dary?
Brefekst bakset. Attaboy.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)