1
00:00:10,875 --> 00:00:13,675
You're having a conversation
about your pal's second cousin.
2
00:00:13,708 --> 00:00:15,008
The other day...
3
00:00:15,041 --> 00:00:16,808
KATY: Who, Jarret?
DAN: No, Garrets.
4
00:00:16,841 --> 00:00:17,875
He's a good guy.
5
00:00:17,908 --> 00:00:19,441
He took me to the movies
in grade six,
6
00:00:19,475 --> 00:00:20,608
and he wouldn't
hold my hand.
7
00:00:20,641 --> 00:00:21,808
A young man's hands
can get sweaty
8
00:00:21,841 --> 00:00:23,441
in that sort of situation.
9
00:00:23,475 --> 00:00:25,441
Then put your arm around me,
what's the problem?
10
00:00:25,475 --> 00:00:28,008
Anywho, Garrett's movings down
to Los Angeles
11
00:00:28,041 --> 00:00:29,541
to try to be an actors.
12
00:00:29,575 --> 00:00:30,941
He's winning for
the weather alone.
13
00:00:30,975 --> 00:00:32,975
Negative. It shouldn't
be warm all the time.
14
00:00:33,008 --> 00:00:34,875
Four seasons helps
keep a man regular.
15
00:00:34,908 --> 00:00:36,441
Like a bowl of brans
in the mornin'.
16
00:00:37,408 --> 00:00:38,875
Huh.
17
00:00:38,908 --> 00:00:40,641
Garrett's moving down to LA
18
00:00:40,675 --> 00:00:42,975
to be an actor.
19
00:00:43,008 --> 00:00:44,775
Isn't that something
you just kind of are?
20
00:00:44,808 --> 00:00:46,108
It's not as if a librarian
21
00:00:46,141 --> 00:00:49,008
can just call themselves
a librarian without
collecting a paycheck.
22
00:00:49,041 --> 00:00:50,408
They got to work.
23
00:00:50,441 --> 00:00:52,008
That's correct, Ms. Katys.
24
00:00:52,041 --> 00:00:53,808
So Garrett is moving down
to Los Angeles
25
00:00:53,841 --> 00:00:56,075
to try to earn a livings
as an actor.
26
00:00:56,108 --> 00:00:57,708
Can you do that?
Do whats?
27
00:00:58,675 --> 00:01:00,408
Well, earn a living
as an actor.
28
00:01:00,441 --> 00:01:02,808
That's a thing?
Sure it is.
29
00:01:02,841 --> 00:01:05,575
So, you can earn a living
as an actor, you say?
30
00:01:05,608 --> 00:01:07,808
Yeah. How do you think Brad Pitt
bought all those paintings
31
00:01:07,841 --> 00:01:09,808
and became so passionates
about architecture?
32
00:01:09,841 --> 00:01:13,441
I would smash that dude
with a category five hurricane
off the coast.
33
00:01:13,475 --> 00:01:16,075
DARYL: Huh, Garrett's going
to LA to make a living
as an actor?
34
00:01:16,108 --> 00:01:17,475
What a time to be alive.
35
00:01:17,508 --> 00:01:19,708
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO)
36
00:01:19,741 --> 00:01:22,075
WAYNE: LA people should
shut the fuck up.
They eat tacos.
37
00:01:22,108 --> 00:01:24,308
What's this?
What, you've never
met one before?
38
00:01:24,341 --> 00:01:25,575
That's all they
fuckin' talk about.
39
00:01:25,608 --> 00:01:27,441
(MOCKINGLY)
"Hey, you like tacos?
Let's get some tacos.
40
00:01:27,475 --> 00:01:28,341
"You know who's got great tacos?
41
00:01:28,375 --> 00:01:29,775
"Well, these guys have
the best tacos.
42
00:01:29,808 --> 00:01:30,908
"You like tacos, right?
43
00:01:30,941 --> 00:01:32,308
"Tacos, tacos, tacos.
44
00:01:32,341 --> 00:01:33,475
"Venice Beach tacos."
45
00:01:33,508 --> 00:01:35,941
It's fuckin' fish steak
or carnitas
wrapped in tortitas.
46
00:01:35,975 --> 00:01:37,341
How good can it fucking be?
47
00:01:37,375 --> 00:01:38,808
He's right.
There!
48
00:01:38,841 --> 00:01:40,675
LA people should
shut the fuck up
about hiking, too.
49
00:01:40,708 --> 00:01:41,841
What's this?
50
00:01:41,875 --> 00:01:43,375
What, you never met
one of them before?
51
00:01:43,408 --> 00:01:44,575
It's all they
fuckin' talk about.
52
00:01:44,608 --> 00:01:45,641
(MOCKINGLY)
"Have you ever been on
this hike before?
53
00:01:45,675 --> 00:01:47,375
"This is the best hike
I've ever been on before.
54
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:48,241
"Hiking, hiking, hiking.
55
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:49,975
"Runyon Canyon.
Hiking, hiking, hiking."
56
00:01:50,008 --> 00:01:51,541
Just an asshole's word
for "walkin'."
57
00:01:51,575 --> 00:01:52,508
I wasn't born yesterday.
58
00:01:52,541 --> 00:01:54,508
It's all tacos and hikes,
hikes and tacos.
59
00:01:54,541 --> 00:01:56,608
Why don't you ever hike
while you have a taco,
you fuckin' asshole?
60
00:01:56,641 --> 00:01:59,341
But how are youse to know
that hikings and tacos
aren't better in LA?
61
00:01:59,375 --> 00:02:00,408
They are.
62
00:02:00,441 --> 00:02:01,275
BOTH: Aren't they?
63
00:02:01,308 --> 00:02:03,008
(MOCKINGLY)
Everything's better in "LA".
64
00:02:03,041 --> 00:02:05,408
Says who?
People in LA.
65
00:02:05,441 --> 00:02:06,508
Yeah, didn't you
never not notice
66
00:02:06,541 --> 00:02:08,441
that people from up here
go down to LA,
67
00:02:08,475 --> 00:02:10,875
and then they come back
up here calling it, "LA"?
68
00:02:10,908 --> 00:02:12,308
Is that what they do?
69
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:13,508
BOTH: (IN LA ACCENT) LA.
70
00:02:13,541 --> 00:02:15,675
(IN LA ACCENT)
Thank you. LA.
71
00:02:15,708 --> 00:02:17,941
And everything's better in "LA"?
72
00:02:17,975 --> 00:02:20,408
What, you never met
one of them before?
That's all they talk about.
73
00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,808
(GASPS) What, you've
never even been to LA?
74
00:02:22,841 --> 00:02:25,508
(IN LA ACCENT)
You have to come to LA,
you'll love LA.
75
00:02:25,541 --> 00:02:28,641
LA, LA. Toyota Hybrid
fucking cars. LA.
76
00:02:28,675 --> 00:02:30,441
(MOCKINGLY)
Oh, yeah, you think
you know tacos, eh?
77
00:02:30,475 --> 00:02:31,675
I'll tell you,
you're some kind of
fucking asshole
78
00:02:31,708 --> 00:02:34,675
if you think you know tacos,
you never had a taco in "LA".
79
00:02:34,708 --> 00:02:35,875
Think you know hiking?
(SCOFFS DISMISSIVELY)
80
00:02:35,908 --> 00:02:38,875
You've never seen a hike until
you've had a hike in "LA".
81
00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:40,675
(IN LA ACCENT) Ugh,
I hate the weather up here
82
00:02:40,708 --> 00:02:42,808
it's so much warmer in LA.
83
00:02:42,841 --> 00:02:45,675
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah,
didn't you not know
it gets just as cold in "LA"?
84
00:02:45,708 --> 00:02:47,441
It's just different
kind of cold in "LA".
85
00:02:47,475 --> 00:02:48,541
(CHUCKLES)
It's a desert, you know?
86
00:02:48,575 --> 00:02:49,941
Pull your finger
out of your ass.
87
00:02:49,975 --> 00:02:51,541
That's exactly what I says,
"Pull your finger
out of your ass."
88
00:02:51,575 --> 00:02:54,741
DAN: Now, hold your horses here.
89
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:57,241
Who's do youse knows
that's ever beens to LA?
90
00:03:01,108 --> 00:03:02,741
What's this about LA?
91
00:03:02,775 --> 00:03:04,508
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
92
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:14,841
KATY: Whose crib is it anyways?
93
00:03:14,875 --> 00:03:15,975
DARYL: I dealt, my crib.
94
00:03:16,008 --> 00:03:17,308
I loves cribbage.
95
00:03:17,341 --> 00:03:18,875
Run of three,
that's it for me.
96
00:03:20,508 --> 00:03:22,675
Run of four,
I'm out the door.
97
00:03:22,708 --> 00:03:23,841
Uh, fifteen‐two,
98
00:03:23,875 --> 00:03:25,408
double on the eight for ten,
99
00:03:25,441 --> 00:03:27,041
and jack of suits
for elevens,
100
00:03:27,075 --> 00:03:28,808
which is a pretty hard numbers
to rhymes with.
101
00:03:33,941 --> 00:03:35,108
DAN: Ooh!
102
00:03:35,141 --> 00:03:37,941
What's we gettin'
all dressed up for,
Mr. Saturday Nights?
103
00:03:37,975 --> 00:03:39,008
Are you sure you're
not tryin' too hard,
104
00:03:39,041 --> 00:03:40,375
with that button done up there?
105
00:03:40,408 --> 00:03:43,775
Now, youse know
Tanis and I are givin' it
the ol' college try.
106
00:03:43,808 --> 00:03:45,608
You know, I get
ending things with Rosie
107
00:03:45,641 --> 00:03:47,341
because you have feelings
for another woman...
108
00:03:47,375 --> 00:03:48,908
She reads too much.
She up to somethin'.
109
00:03:48,941 --> 00:03:50,875
...and I back that.
Thank you, Katy.
110
00:03:50,908 --> 00:03:51,975
But...
111
00:03:53,041 --> 00:03:55,408
don't you think
Tanis is a little...
112
00:03:55,441 --> 00:03:56,675
rough around the edges?
113
00:03:56,708 --> 00:03:57,941
How do you mean?
114
00:03:57,975 --> 00:04:00,708
Isn't her, uh, soil a bit rocky?
115
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,941
Isn't her grain a little bit
rough for the lays?
116
00:04:02,975 --> 00:04:04,441
Well...
117
00:04:04,475 --> 00:04:06,675
only one way to find out,
super chieftains.
118
00:04:12,775 --> 00:04:14,475
So many off‐season
reps, buddy.
119
00:04:14,508 --> 00:04:15,841
So many preseason
reps, buddy.
120
00:04:15,875 --> 00:04:16,908
Say no to the juice.
121
00:04:16,941 --> 00:04:18,075
Ain't fucking baseball, buddy.
122
00:04:18,108 --> 00:04:19,541
We dug deep.
Buried down.
123
00:04:19,575 --> 00:04:20,708
Time to show the boys
some gains.
124
00:04:20,741 --> 00:04:22,808
Coach's gonna flip
when he sees these gains.
125
00:04:22,841 --> 00:04:24,541
Gain Gretzky.
Gain "The Rock" Johnson.
126
00:04:24,575 --> 00:04:27,008
Shania Gain.
Gains, Trains
and Automobiles.
127
00:04:27,041 --> 00:04:29,775
Let's show these boys that
legends walk amongst them.
128
00:04:29,808 --> 00:04:31,041
Hashtag, legend‐life.
129
00:04:38,341 --> 00:04:40,441
You guys wanna go back out
and try that again?
130
00:04:40,475 --> 00:04:43,341
Maybe it's the lighting in here,
but I'm not seeing any gains.
131
00:04:43,375 --> 00:04:44,608
But...
132
00:04:44,641 --> 00:04:46,008
Doesn't matter.
Team folded.
133
00:04:46,675 --> 00:04:47,708
Why?
134
00:04:47,741 --> 00:04:49,608
There's not enough bodies.
Why?
135
00:04:49,641 --> 00:04:52,341
'Cause it's Senior A
whales‐shit hockey!
136
00:04:54,475 --> 00:04:56,441
The way I see it,
you got three options.
137
00:04:56,475 --> 00:04:57,475
Option number A:
138
00:04:57,508 --> 00:04:59,308
You can go to the next town
and play for them.
139
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,975
(GROANS) Travel for
whale shit?
140
00:05:02,008 --> 00:05:03,975
Gains for whale shit
was even a stretch.
141
00:05:04,008 --> 00:05:05,675
You didn't get gains.
142
00:05:05,708 --> 00:05:08,475
Traveling for whale shit,
that's a stretch too far.
143
00:05:08,508 --> 00:05:10,841
Option number B: Hang 'em up.
144
00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:12,775
Well, there's good rubber
left in these wheels,
though, boys.
145
00:05:12,808 --> 00:05:14,808
Let's do power skating, bro.
Oh, good call, bro.
146
00:05:14,841 --> 00:05:16,675
And option number C:
147
00:05:16,708 --> 00:05:19,375
Join a championship team
right here in Letterkenny...
148
00:05:20,075 --> 00:05:21,375
Hmm.
149
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:22,708
...as coaches...
150
00:05:22,741 --> 00:05:24,408
(GROANS SOFTLY)
...with me.
151
00:05:24,441 --> 00:05:25,841
Oh.
152
00:05:25,875 --> 00:05:27,675
Team's already won
back‐to‐back ships.
153
00:05:28,508 --> 00:05:30,075
(MUTTERS)
154
00:05:30,108 --> 00:05:31,675
We've actually never
won a ship, buddy.
155
00:05:31,708 --> 00:05:36,008
On track to win
back‐to‐back‐to‐back boats.
156
00:05:36,041 --> 00:05:38,041
Love to win
a boat, buddy.
Yeah, buddy.
157
00:05:38,075 --> 00:05:39,341
Then come on,
158
00:05:39,375 --> 00:05:41,075
let's win a fuckin' sea liner.
159
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:42,875
Let's win
a Great Lakes freighter.
160
00:05:42,908 --> 00:05:44,308
Let's win a cable ferry.
161
00:05:44,341 --> 00:05:45,675
Let's win a cabin cruiser.
162
00:05:45,708 --> 00:05:47,341
Let's win a Boston whaler.
163
00:05:47,375 --> 00:05:48,708
Let's win
a recreational trawler.
164
00:05:48,741 --> 00:05:50,708
Let's win a paddle steamer!
165
00:05:50,741 --> 00:05:52,341
Let's win a pleasure barge.
166
00:05:52,375 --> 00:05:53,408
Let's win an outrigger.
167
00:05:53,441 --> 00:05:55,675
Let's win a freshwater vessel!
168
00:05:55,708 --> 00:05:57,408
Let's win a naval drifter.
169
00:05:57,441 --> 00:05:58,675
Let's win a water Rambo!
170
00:05:58,708 --> 00:06:01,008
Let's win a landing craft!
171
00:06:01,041 --> 00:06:03,541
Let's win a saltwater lugger!
172
00:06:03,575 --> 00:06:05,408
Let's win a sea tugger!
173
00:06:05,441 --> 00:06:09,341
Let's win
a luxury‐fuckin'‐yacht!
174
00:06:09,375 --> 00:06:10,508
Let's go!
175
00:06:10,541 --> 00:06:13,408
ALL: (SHOUTING) Yeah!
176
00:06:13,875 --> 00:06:15,375
Wait!
177
00:06:15,408 --> 00:06:17,441
You're gonna need
an ice‐breaker.
178
00:06:26,641 --> 00:06:28,608
Tanis, how are you now?
179
00:06:28,641 --> 00:06:29,641
(SPITS)
180
00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:31,975
What?
181
00:06:32,008 --> 00:06:33,041
What...
What?
182
00:06:33,075 --> 00:06:35,441
...the actual fuck was that?
183
00:06:35,475 --> 00:06:37,041
What?
Well, you're standing,
184
00:06:37,075 --> 00:06:39,675
breathing, and smoking,
so the other thing,
185
00:06:40,675 --> 00:06:41,675
The spitting?
186
00:06:41,708 --> 00:06:44,708
Some barefaced,
uncultivated version
of it, yes.
187
00:06:44,741 --> 00:06:46,475
What, you never seen
someone spit before?
188
00:06:46,508 --> 00:06:49,841
Yes, an inexcusably obese man
in the batter's box
189
00:06:49,875 --> 00:06:50,975
at a Blue Jays game.
190
00:06:51,008 --> 00:06:52,441
But you never seen
a girl spit before.
191
00:06:52,475 --> 00:06:56,975
Yes, a six‐year‐old, after
consuming an insect
in her ice‐cream cone.
192
00:06:57,008 --> 00:06:58,641
But you don't think
girls should spit.
193
00:06:58,675 --> 00:07:00,375
I don't say what girls
should do.
194
00:07:00,408 --> 00:07:02,875
(CHUCKLES)
But you don't like it
when girls spit.
195
00:07:02,908 --> 00:07:05,908
Preferably not within
my line of sight, earshot,
196
00:07:05,941 --> 00:07:07,608
and in a perfect world, ever.
197
00:07:08,041 --> 00:07:09,275
(SPITS)
198
00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,608
You hungry?
Am I hungry?
199
00:07:14,641 --> 00:07:16,108
Yeah, that's what I said.
200
00:07:16,141 --> 00:07:19,408
I'm immediately concerned
that sensation may never
reestablish itself,
201
00:07:19,441 --> 00:07:20,675
but what a ride it's been.
202
00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:22,008
Oh, don't be so dramatic.
203
00:07:22,041 --> 00:07:23,275
What is this, the 1950s?
204
00:07:23,308 --> 00:07:25,741
You want me to go borrow
an ankle‐length skirt
from my auntie?
205
00:07:28,041 --> 00:07:29,475
Come on.
I cooked for you.
206
00:07:29,508 --> 00:07:30,508
Let's go.
207
00:07:35,008 --> 00:07:36,008
(DOOR OPENS)
208
00:07:37,675 --> 00:07:39,775
Come on.
209
00:07:39,808 --> 00:07:42,441
He was supposed to be here
over an hour ago. Try him again.
210
00:07:42,475 --> 00:07:43,741
Stewart, I just tried him.
211
00:07:43,775 --> 00:07:45,575
And?
Straight to voicemail.
212
00:07:45,608 --> 00:07:47,008
Aggravating.
Stewart!
213
00:07:47,041 --> 00:07:49,508
Agitating.
Stewart!
214
00:07:49,541 --> 00:07:50,675
Alarming.
Stewart.
215
00:07:50,708 --> 00:07:51,741
(TRANCE MUSIC PLAYING
OVER STEREO)
216
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:52,775
Roald.
217
00:07:53,475 --> 00:07:54,541
I think...
218
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:56,308
I may have a problem.
219
00:07:56,341 --> 00:07:57,475
No. No!
220
00:07:57,508 --> 00:07:59,041
I'm in over my head!
We all want it.
221
00:07:59,075 --> 00:08:00,841
I have no control!
We all need it!
222
00:08:00,875 --> 00:08:02,008
(SHOUTS)
Then where is it?
223
00:08:02,041 --> 00:08:03,041
Right here.
224
00:08:04,775 --> 00:08:07,675
(BOTH REPEATING) Get it out!
Give it to me.
225
00:08:07,708 --> 00:08:09,375
I've got it!
It's all right here.
226
00:08:10,675 --> 00:08:12,041
But you guys got meth, right?
227
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,708
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
228
00:08:13,741 --> 00:08:15,508
The drugs are
all over there.
229
00:08:15,541 --> 00:08:17,941
Just bring me that computer
and get us to the Dark Web.
230
00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:20,908
First the meth,
then the Dark Web.
231
00:08:20,941 --> 00:08:23,041
Roald.
You want some, too?
232
00:08:23,075 --> 00:08:24,308
I'm good.
233
00:08:25,975 --> 00:08:28,575
Bring me the Dark Web
over to my stand‐up desk.
234
00:08:30,908 --> 00:08:32,475
Why do you have
a stand‐up desk?
235
00:08:32,508 --> 00:08:34,641
Because sitting is
quietly murdering you.
236
00:08:37,575 --> 00:08:39,575
Actually, yes, Roald, I...
I will have some meth.
237
00:08:44,341 --> 00:08:45,475
And here we are.
238
00:08:45,841 --> 00:08:47,575
The Dark Web.
239
00:08:47,608 --> 00:08:49,408
Why do you guys crave
the Dark Web so much?
240
00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:50,708
Because the Dark Web
is exclusive.
241
00:08:50,741 --> 00:08:52,541
The Dark Web
is only accessible
242
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:53,908
using special software,
243
00:08:53,941 --> 00:08:56,475
users remain untraceable
244
00:08:56,508 --> 00:08:58,041
and anonymous
on the Dark Web.
245
00:08:58,075 --> 00:08:59,808
You can hire a hitman
on the Dark Web.
246
00:08:59,841 --> 00:09:01,675
Purchase illegal contraband
on the Dark Web.
247
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,641
Sell illegal contraband
on the Dark Web.
248
00:09:03,675 --> 00:09:05,075
Or you could join
a rebel army.
249
00:09:05,108 --> 00:09:07,575
Or you could build a bomb
for your own rebel army
on the Dark Web.
250
00:09:07,608 --> 00:09:11,775
The thrill of having
all of that at your fingertips
is so...metal!
251
00:09:12,908 --> 00:09:14,375
What's on the menu today, chef?
252
00:09:14,408 --> 00:09:16,375
I left a tab open
for you guys.
253
00:09:16,408 --> 00:09:17,541
Something I thought
you'd dig.
254
00:09:17,575 --> 00:09:19,008
(MOANS)
255
00:09:19,041 --> 00:09:21,341
It's funny, the way
you last liked that, like
the Dark Web site was food.
256
00:09:21,375 --> 00:09:22,475
'Cause...
257
00:09:23,441 --> 00:09:25,308
BOTH: "How to cook human meat!"
258
00:09:26,041 --> 00:09:27,308
(CHIMING)
259
00:09:27,341 --> 00:09:28,475
STEWART: Oh, fuck!
260
00:09:28,508 --> 00:09:29,641
These Hard Right mutts again.
261
00:09:29,675 --> 00:09:30,908
I don't like these mutts.
262
00:09:30,941 --> 00:09:32,608
We could ignore
the call.
Oh, Stewart!
263
00:09:32,641 --> 00:09:33,975
Let's ignore the call.
264
00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,941
But how are we gonna
find cool new things
to do on the Dark Web,
265
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:38,075
unless we make
cool new pals
on the Dark Web.
266
00:09:38,108 --> 00:09:39,041
Fine,
267
00:09:39,075 --> 00:09:40,975
anything to keep
the Dark Web sustainable.
268
00:09:42,375 --> 00:09:43,541
But we should sit for this.
269
00:09:43,575 --> 00:09:44,775
(CHIMING CONTINUES)
270
00:09:49,575 --> 00:09:50,808
(SONG PLAYING SOFTLY
OVER STEREO)
271
00:09:58,808 --> 00:09:59,808
What are you doing?
272
00:10:01,841 --> 00:10:03,641
What?
273
00:10:03,675 --> 00:10:05,608
Well, you're sitting, breathing,
and taking your boots off,
274
00:10:05,641 --> 00:10:06,975
so, the other thing.
275
00:10:07,008 --> 00:10:09,708
To borrow a phrase from
my stance on social media,
276
00:10:10,375 --> 00:10:11,441
I don't follow.
277
00:10:11,475 --> 00:10:12,408
Crossing your legs.
278
00:10:12,441 --> 00:10:14,808
Yeah, for a hot second,
to take my boots off.
279
00:10:14,841 --> 00:10:16,808
Boots or no boots,
don't you think it's
a little fruity loops
280
00:10:16,841 --> 00:10:17,908
for a man to be
sitting like that?
281
00:10:17,941 --> 00:10:19,508
On the contrary,
282
00:10:19,541 --> 00:10:23,075
I'm sitting like this because
the less bending over
a man does, the better.
283
00:10:23,108 --> 00:10:24,341
Hmm.
284
00:10:24,375 --> 00:10:25,808
Sounds homophobic to me.
285
00:10:25,841 --> 00:10:27,708
Sounds chiropractic to me.
286
00:10:27,741 --> 00:10:29,908
Hmm. Just checking.
287
00:10:29,941 --> 00:10:30,875
I swing both ways, you know?
288
00:10:30,908 --> 00:10:32,641
So, if you ever wanted
to invite a girl over...
289
00:10:33,741 --> 00:10:34,775
or a guy...
290
00:10:36,541 --> 00:10:38,875
Are we gonna have
a problem here, Tanis?
291
00:10:38,908 --> 00:10:40,475
(CHUCKLES)
292
00:10:40,508 --> 00:10:43,575
Let's just stop talking,
food's ready. Come, eat.
293
00:10:55,941 --> 00:10:57,675
(TRANCE MUSIC PLAYING
OVER STEREO)
294
00:10:57,708 --> 00:11:00,841
What's on the Dark Web menu
today, gentlemen?
295
00:11:00,875 --> 00:11:02,741
(SCOFFS) Funny you
put it like that 'cause...
296
00:11:02,775 --> 00:11:05,575
We were about to enjoy
some Dark Web literature
297
00:11:05,608 --> 00:11:07,541
about how to cook
human meat until...
298
00:11:08,508 --> 00:11:10,308
our friend called.
299
00:11:10,341 --> 00:11:13,741
Hmm. 13% of human beings
are cannibals, huh?
300
00:11:14,608 --> 00:11:16,041
13% sounds right.
301
00:11:16,075 --> 00:11:18,308
Wrong! That's what
they want you to think.
302
00:11:18,341 --> 00:11:22,408
The truth, 100%
of human beings are cannibals.
303
00:11:22,441 --> 00:11:23,708
The... The ones
on Earth, anyway.
304
00:11:25,375 --> 00:11:26,775
How do you
know that?
305
00:11:26,808 --> 00:11:27,908
How do I know that?
306
00:11:27,941 --> 00:11:30,041
Ha! Well,
let's rewind the clock.
307
00:11:30,075 --> 00:11:31,941
1840, Ireland,
308
00:11:31,975 --> 00:11:33,508
the potato famine forces
309
00:11:33,541 --> 00:11:36,575
thousands of those godless,
heathen bogtrotters
310
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:38,475
to migrate to North America.
311
00:11:38,508 --> 00:11:41,608
(IN IRISH ACCENT)
No potatoes, you say!
312
00:11:41,641 --> 00:11:44,975
Well, then what did
those paddy‐mick prods eat
on the fuckin' boat over here?
313
00:11:46,441 --> 00:11:48,975
Fast‐forward, 1955,
Des Plaines, Illinois,
314
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:51,775
McDonald's restaurants
opened their first location.
315
00:11:51,808 --> 00:11:54,575
Not a single cow was
photographed that day,
316
00:11:54,608 --> 00:11:57,308
and yet they're
serving burgers? Gotcha.
317
00:11:57,341 --> 00:11:59,008
Now McDonald's openly...
318
00:11:59,041 --> 00:12:00,441
(BREATHING RAPIDLY)
319
00:12:00,475 --> 00:12:04,641
Openly boasts
over 999 billion served.
320
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:09,608
Fast‐forward, 2016, Donald Trump
is elected to office,
321
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:13,541
inherits the highest percentage
per capita of cannibals
322
00:12:13,575 --> 00:12:15,708
in the world.
323
00:12:15,741 --> 00:12:18,608
The left‐wing, fake news,
pinko media
324
00:12:18,641 --> 00:12:19,875
wants you to think that he spent
325
00:12:19,908 --> 00:12:22,641
16 of his first 100 days
in office golfing.
326
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,708
Wrong. Wrong!
327
00:12:24,741 --> 00:12:27,808
Donald J. Trump spent 16
of his first 100 days,
328
00:12:27,841 --> 00:12:29,741
as President of
the United States,
329
00:12:29,775 --> 00:12:30,941
Commander‐in‐Chief,
330
00:12:30,975 --> 00:12:33,508
leader of the goddamned
free world,
331
00:12:33,541 --> 00:12:36,375
getting that per capita
percentage of cannibals
332
00:12:36,408 --> 00:12:39,308
down from 100 to... Everett?
333
00:12:39,708 --> 00:12:41,508
Uh... 13%?
334
00:12:41,541 --> 00:12:42,875
That's right. Do the math.
335
00:12:44,908 --> 00:12:47,041
No, no, actually do...
Actually do the math.
336
00:12:47,075 --> 00:12:48,575
Do the meth?
337
00:12:48,608 --> 00:12:49,775
We did the meth.
338
00:12:49,808 --> 00:12:51,341
(EXHALES SHAKILY)
339
00:12:51,375 --> 00:12:55,475
Listen, uh, friend.
340
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,941
We've been listening to you
ramble for an hour.
341
00:12:57,975 --> 00:13:01,041
We only joined the Dark Web
to see cool new things,
342
00:13:01,075 --> 00:13:02,875
and join cool
new movements.
343
00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:04,275
And make
cool new pals.
344
00:13:07,608 --> 00:13:09,375
Cool new pals, you say?
345
00:13:09,408 --> 00:13:10,441
Yes.
No.
346
00:13:10,475 --> 00:13:11,608
Stewart.
347
00:13:11,641 --> 00:13:14,375
I know how you can make
all the coolest new pals ever.
348
00:13:14,408 --> 00:13:15,975
Spare us the hyperbole.
349
00:13:16,008 --> 00:13:17,375
How?
350
00:13:17,408 --> 00:13:18,841
Join the Hard Right!
351
00:13:21,075 --> 00:13:23,708
I said that like that was
leading into another monologue,
352
00:13:23,741 --> 00:13:26,408
but it's really just...
Just joi... Join the Hard Right.
353
00:13:26,441 --> 00:13:27,375
(CLICKS TONGUE)
But...
354
00:13:27,408 --> 00:13:29,708
Do you like our flag?
Oh, you probably...
355
00:13:30,975 --> 00:13:32,908
couldn't... Do you like it?
356
00:13:34,441 --> 00:13:35,575
I... I designed it.
357
00:13:42,275 --> 00:13:43,941
Mmm.
358
00:13:43,975 --> 00:13:47,208
Eat up. You're gonna need
fuel for later. (CHUCKLES)
359
00:13:47,241 --> 00:13:48,375
(MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY
OVER STEREO)
360
00:13:49,308 --> 00:13:50,408
(BURPS)
361
00:13:52,041 --> 00:13:53,275
What...
What?
362
00:13:53,308 --> 00:13:56,008
...the actual fuck
was that now?
363
00:13:56,041 --> 00:13:56,941
What now?
364
00:13:56,975 --> 00:13:59,241
Well, you're sitting, eating,
and breathing,
365
00:13:59,275 --> 00:14:00,308
so, the other thing.
366
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:02,875
Burping?
Yes.
367
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:05,175
Some primitive,
distressing version of it
368
00:14:05,208 --> 00:14:06,875
That was nothing.
Terrific.
369
00:14:06,908 --> 00:14:08,941
You can burp, too.
Outstanding.
370
00:14:08,975 --> 00:14:10,841
You can fucking fart,
if you want.
371
00:14:10,875 --> 00:14:12,275
You know why?
Because it's normal.
372
00:14:12,308 --> 00:14:13,575
But is it fashionable?
373
00:14:13,608 --> 00:14:14,841
It's becoming...
374
00:14:14,875 --> 00:14:16,241
It's unbecoming.
375
00:14:16,275 --> 00:14:18,275
Well, your boyfriend Daryl
376
00:14:18,308 --> 00:14:19,908
burps and spits.
377
00:14:19,941 --> 00:14:21,908
Dary also chases ducks,
378
00:14:21,941 --> 00:14:23,075
draws on the walls,
379
00:14:23,108 --> 00:14:25,108
and must be told
not to taste or touch
380
00:14:25,141 --> 00:14:26,208
everything he sees.
381
00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:27,475
That's true.
382
00:14:27,508 --> 00:14:28,541
So, is it because I'm a lady?
383
00:14:28,575 --> 00:14:29,775
Who's a lady?
384
00:14:31,241 --> 00:14:33,175
So, what, you're saying that
girls shouldn't burp, too?
385
00:14:33,208 --> 00:14:35,275
I don't say
what girls should do.
386
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,008
Well, men shouldn't
shackle women.
387
00:14:37,041 --> 00:14:39,108
We made Prohibition happen,
watch your step.
388
00:14:39,141 --> 00:14:40,541
Already walkin' on eggshells.
389
00:14:40,575 --> 00:14:41,808
Done your food?
390
00:14:41,841 --> 00:14:43,575
That ship's clear
across the pond.
391
00:14:43,608 --> 00:14:44,908
Same. Let's go make a fire
392
00:14:44,941 --> 00:14:46,241
'cause it's a beautiful
fucking day.
393
00:14:46,275 --> 00:14:47,908
Is that what it is?
What?
394
00:14:48,541 --> 00:14:49,541
Hmm?
395
00:14:51,441 --> 00:14:52,541
COACH: Okay, pheasants.
396
00:14:52,575 --> 00:14:54,841
We got bact‐to‐back‐to‐back
397
00:14:54,875 --> 00:14:56,875
Coast Guard Zodiacs
at our fingertips.
398
00:14:56,908 --> 00:14:58,008
But full disclosure,
399
00:14:58,041 --> 00:15:00,241
this team's got a bit of
an attitude problem, all right?
400
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:02,808
Little battle of leadership
going on in here.
401
00:15:02,841 --> 00:15:05,275
All right? Sure, they got their
center console skiffs,
402
00:15:05,308 --> 00:15:08,041
but they went through a lot
of coaches in the process.
403
00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:09,141
(SCOFFS)
Mundane details, boys.
404
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:10,275
We want
a twin engine jet boat.
405
00:15:10,308 --> 00:15:11,575
We want that cruise ship.
406
00:15:11,608 --> 00:15:14,375
That's the attitude, pylons.
Now get in there.
407
00:15:14,408 --> 00:15:15,408
All right.
408
00:15:17,475 --> 00:15:19,908
(REILLY AND JONESY
SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
409
00:15:19,941 --> 00:15:21,041
JONESY: What the...
(REILLY EXCLAIMS)
410
00:15:22,108 --> 00:15:23,141
What are you two doing?
411
00:15:23,175 --> 00:15:24,941
Sorry, boys... Ladies.
412
00:15:24,975 --> 00:15:26,341
We didn't know
you were ladies, boys.
413
00:15:26,375 --> 00:15:28,275
Um... Not ladyboys. We didn't
know you were ladies.
414
00:15:28,308 --> 00:15:30,508
Do you think the door is open
to everyone here?
415
00:15:30,541 --> 00:15:32,308
Just because Mary‐Anne
looks like she's homeless,
416
00:15:32,341 --> 00:15:34,141
doesn't mean you can
treat it like a shelter.
417
00:15:34,175 --> 00:15:35,508
Fuck you, Betty‐Anne.
418
00:15:35,541 --> 00:15:36,575
But she's right.
419
00:15:36,608 --> 00:15:38,341
Door isn't open
to everybody here.
420
00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:40,375
Just because our mitt looks
like the back of Christ's head,
421
00:15:40,408 --> 00:15:42,108
doesn't mean you can treat
it like a church.
422
00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:43,341
Fuck you, Mary‐Anne.
423
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:46,308
Your mitt looks like Babe Ruth's
ball glove from the dirty '30s
424
00:15:46,341 --> 00:15:49,141
if 20 more dudes spat
chewing tobacco in it.
425
00:15:49,175 --> 00:15:51,508
Your mitt's actually
a work of art, Betty‐Anne.
426
00:15:51,541 --> 00:15:54,208
Like Salvador Dali's
melting clocks,
427
00:15:54,241 --> 00:15:57,108
but instead of melting clocks,
it's melting salad bowls
428
00:15:57,141 --> 00:15:58,375
of off‐pink ice‐cream.
429
00:15:58,408 --> 00:16:01,141
Hmm. I love ice‐cream,
Mary‐Anne.
430
00:16:01,175 --> 00:16:02,841
I love all frozen treats.
431
00:16:02,875 --> 00:16:07,308
Your mitt looks like I squeezed
a cherry‐red popsicle with
a handful of dryer lint.
432
00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:09,208
Meet your new team, pheasants.
433
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:15,908
You serious with
that turtleneck?
434
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:17,275
You could lose
a lot of heat in the neck,
435
00:16:17,308 --> 00:16:18,341
as I like to say.
436
00:16:18,375 --> 00:16:19,408
You mean, cold?
437
00:16:19,441 --> 00:16:21,241
I wouldn't say
I'm hot, but...
438
00:16:21,275 --> 00:16:23,408
Ugh. Most men I know
wouldn't complain about
something like that.
439
00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:29,308
You see the elephant?
440
00:16:29,341 --> 00:16:30,541
You mean next to
the bus crash?
441
00:16:30,575 --> 00:16:32,041
That's the one.
Yeah, I see it.
442
00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:33,108
You wanna talk about it?
443
00:16:33,141 --> 00:16:34,141
Let's talk about it.
444
00:16:35,008 --> 00:16:36,841
A woman can be what she wants.
445
00:16:36,875 --> 00:16:38,375
That is so nice of you
to allow that.
446
00:16:38,408 --> 00:16:39,508
Not what I meant.
I'm kidding.
447
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:41,908
A woman should be
what she wants.
448
00:16:42,441 --> 00:16:43,475
Better.
449
00:16:43,508 --> 00:16:46,175
There's no definition
of a woman.
450
00:16:46,208 --> 00:16:47,808
It's the same as a man,
there's no definition...
451
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:50,275
No need to womansplain,
I'm aware.
452
00:16:50,308 --> 00:16:53,575
But a woman should be with
a man she finds...desirable.
453
00:16:53,608 --> 00:16:55,575
And vice versa.
454
00:16:55,608 --> 00:16:57,341
Like, long‐term,
like in a relationship.
455
00:16:57,375 --> 00:16:58,375
Can't confirm.
456
00:16:59,941 --> 00:17:01,108
I don't think
you're it, cowboy.
457
00:17:01,141 --> 00:17:03,008
Oh, you think?
(CHUCKLES) I know.
458
00:17:04,108 --> 00:17:05,508
Good enough.
Good stuff.
459
00:17:05,541 --> 00:17:06,375
A short‐term...
460
00:17:06,408 --> 00:17:07,941
(CLEARS THROAT)
on the other hand...
461
00:17:09,308 --> 00:17:10,408
How short?
462
00:17:10,441 --> 00:17:11,975
A night.
A night?
463
00:17:12,475 --> 00:17:13,541
An hour?
464
00:17:14,308 --> 00:17:15,875
Maybe more than an hour.
465
00:17:15,908 --> 00:17:17,241
A night.
A night.
466
00:17:17,275 --> 00:17:18,341
Maybe even a morning.
467
00:17:18,375 --> 00:17:19,441
Maybe even a morning.
468
00:17:19,475 --> 00:17:20,441
'Cause we didn't do
all the things I wanted to do.
469
00:17:20,475 --> 00:17:22,508
Well, we talked,
we ate...
It was good, right?
470
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,008
Thank you for supper.
My pleasure.
471
00:17:24,041 --> 00:17:25,208
We talked, we ate,
472
00:17:25,241 --> 00:17:26,408
we sat by the fire.
473
00:17:26,441 --> 00:17:27,575
So, then the other thing.
474
00:17:27,608 --> 00:17:29,141
Good enough.
Good stuff.
475
00:17:29,175 --> 00:17:30,175
(SNIFFLES)
476
00:17:42,108 --> 00:17:43,941
Just kiddin'! (CHUCKLES)
477
00:17:52,575 --> 00:17:54,175
DARYL: Fifteen‐two,
the rest won't do.
478
00:17:54,208 --> 00:17:55,775
Fifteen‐four,
the rest don't score.
479
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:57,775
Runs of threes,
that's its for me's.
480
00:18:00,741 --> 00:18:02,175
Youse been playin'
all fuckin' night?
481
00:18:02,208 --> 00:18:03,275
How'd it go, big brother?
482
00:18:03,308 --> 00:18:04,341
Do you all know what,
483
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:05,608
aside from the end there,
484
00:18:05,641 --> 00:18:06,875
so fuckin' poorly.
485
00:18:06,908 --> 00:18:08,475
Called it.
How poorly?
486
00:18:08,508 --> 00:18:09,541
So poor.
487
00:18:09,575 --> 00:18:10,808
He said, so fuckin' poor.
488
00:18:10,841 --> 00:18:12,375
Talkin' about ultra poor.
489
00:18:12,408 --> 00:18:13,808
Called it.
What did I miss?
490
00:18:13,841 --> 00:18:15,275
BOTH: Taco night.
491
00:18:15,308 --> 00:18:17,175
KATY: But not just
any taco night.
492
00:18:17,208 --> 00:18:18,541
(IN LA ACCENT) LA taco night.
493
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:21,308
(MOCKINGLY)
Oh, there's no taco night
like an "LA" taco night.
494
00:18:21,341 --> 00:18:23,308
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah.
You've never had taco night
495
00:18:23,341 --> 00:18:25,308
unless you've had
an "LA" taco night.
496
00:18:25,341 --> 00:18:27,508
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah. Well,
if it's taco night in "LA",
497
00:18:27,541 --> 00:18:29,208
then you must have had a hike.
Did youse have a hike?
498
00:18:29,241 --> 00:18:30,408
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah.
499
00:18:30,441 --> 00:18:32,708
You can't have taco night
in "LA" without havin' a hike.
500
00:18:32,741 --> 00:18:34,441
(IN LA ACCENT) Oh, yeah.
We had an LA hike,
501
00:18:34,475 --> 00:18:36,808
but it was so cold,
it gets so cold in LA.
502
00:18:36,841 --> 00:18:39,141
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah.
It's a deserts, don't you know?
503
00:18:39,175 --> 00:18:41,508
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah.
It gets just as cold in "LA".
504
00:18:41,541 --> 00:18:43,408
It's just a different kind
of cold in "LA".
505
00:18:43,441 --> 00:18:44,908
(MOCKINGLY) Pull your finger
out of your ass.
506
00:18:44,941 --> 00:18:46,441
(MOCKINGLY) That's what I say,
I said pull your finger
out of your ass,
507
00:18:46,475 --> 00:18:47,775
you're from "LA".
508
00:18:47,808 --> 00:18:51,141
(IN LA ACCENT) Oh, yeah.
You've got to take La Cienega
to La Tijera
509
00:18:51,175 --> 00:18:53,375
if you're going to LAX in "LA".
510
00:18:53,408 --> 00:18:55,808
(IN LA ACCENT) Oh, yeah.
I will have another
cold‐pressed juice
511
00:18:55,841 --> 00:18:57,141
'cause we're in LA.
512
00:18:57,175 --> 00:18:59,441
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah.
I'm just poppin' down
to Trader Joe's
513
00:18:59,475 --> 00:19:01,575
to load up on kombuchas in "LA".
514
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:04,441
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah. You can
stick your Hybrid Toyotas
straight up your ass,
515
00:19:04,475 --> 00:19:06,541
it's all about Teslas
now in "LA".
516
00:19:06,575 --> 00:19:09,141
(IN LA ACCENT) Oh, yeah.
It's like you could never
usually get a pizza
517
00:19:09,175 --> 00:19:11,175
that was that good
in "LA" until now.
518
00:19:11,208 --> 00:19:13,341
(IN LA ACCENT) Oh, yeah.
We're gonna have a winter brunch
519
00:19:13,375 --> 00:19:15,241
outside on Melrose. (CHUCKLES)
520
00:19:15,275 --> 00:19:16,441
'Cause you can do that in LA.
521
00:19:16,475 --> 00:19:19,475
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah. I'm taking
improv classes at the UCBs,
522
00:19:19,508 --> 00:19:22,308
but only until the groundlings
figure it out in "LA".
523
00:19:22,341 --> 00:19:25,575
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, yeah. You better
get joined in a burlesque troupe
if you're going to "LA."
524
00:19:25,608 --> 00:19:26,641
"LA".
525
00:19:26,675 --> 00:19:28,208
"LA".
"LA".
526
00:19:28,241 --> 00:19:29,475
"LA"?
"LA".
527
00:19:29,508 --> 00:19:30,775
"LA".
DAN: "LA".
528
00:19:30,808 --> 00:19:32,275
"LA".
"LA".
529
00:19:32,308 --> 00:19:34,675
"LA"...
530
00:19:34,708 --> 00:19:35,975
Pull your finger
out of your ass.
531
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,808
That's what I say,
I said pull your finger
out of your ass.
532
00:19:37,841 --> 00:19:39,608
(SONG PLAYING)