You were gettin' caught up with your pals the other day...
DARYL: Have yous ever heard of sober October?
That's an emo band from Hamilton?
No, it's just like being sober for the whole month of October.
Oh, one month off booze ain't gonna cleans out your livers.
Might help you a wee bit on the scale, though.
Everything in moderation.
You ever heard of
‐no nut November? ‐What's that?
Oh, I bet it's got something to do with not nuttin' in November.
Regular ejaculations decreases your risks of prostate cancer.
Oh, no, fuck. Now we're havin' fun.
It's good cardio though.
Somethin' you tryna say to me, Dary?
But I was reading about this thing called
beat your dick December.
Beat your dick December? What's the rumpus grumpus?
Well, you look at the calendar,
and if it's like the first, second or the third,
that's how many times per day you need to mix a batch.
So, on the 20th of December, you got to mix 20 separate batches?
You got'er pontiac.
There's 30 days hath September,
June and November. All rest, 31, so...
So, on the 31st, you'd have to batch 31 times?
You heard it here first.
How's he gonna fuck that pig?
Well...
From the 1st to the 5th, you're having a good time.
And even up until the 10th.
The 12th, you're starting to fade.
And by the 15th, you're definitely not full bars.
Oh, I don't think I could continue past the 15th.
Yeah, me neither.
Wayne?
Yeah.
You're saying you could batch 15 times on the 15th
despite the fact that you batched 14 times the day before,
13 times the day before that
and so on and so forth back to one?
Yeah.
Could, could you do 20?
‐Yeah. ‐Stay hydrated.
What say we pick up the conversation on the 25th?
Oh, yeah, the 25th. Christmas Day.
That presents some obstacles, what with family obligations
‐or what not. You need a plan. ‐What's the plan, Dan?
Please explain, Wayne.
Well this, like everything, starts with diet.
What's on the menu?
Oh, you'd want foods that boost your testosterone, likely.
Judging by biceps over there,
I think that's already on the menu, likely.
Oatmeal, tuna, red meat,
and poultry.
Remember when I said stay hydrated?
A person should always stay hydrated, Dary.
How would you maneuver around your family?
Yeah. Nieces and nephews.
You wouldn't.
I really think you should, Wayne.
You're goin' away for Christmas.
No, uh,
Destination Christmas? There has to be an alternative.
‐There's no alternative. ‐What about presents?
Real men finish what they started, Dary.
‐He's right. ‐So, now, the critical
component in all this, I think,
is sleep.
I hadn't even thought of that.
Well, you've hammered on it 25 times in 24 calendar hours.
And, the day before, you've hammered on it
24 times in 24 calendar hours.
And so on and so forth. Back to one.
Yeah, you'd need a good night's sleep.
Oh, some nappin' in there for sure.
Yeah, you'd be pretty worn out from all that
Christmas Eve hustle and bustle.
So, I would suggest getting us all 12 hours of sleep
to rest and replenish, then wake up,
hammer on it twice an hour
for the next 12 hours to meet your quota.
Twenty‐four times in 12 hours is still 1 shy
of your Christmas Day quota?
I know.
So, when'r you gonna squeeze out your 25th squeezers?
‐Dealer's choice really. ‐No.
No.
Not a single 12 hour effort.
It's too many variables in a window that small.
Too much uncertainty.
You're saying you'd use the full 24 hours?
Yeah.
Yeah, we're on military time now.
‐When do you start? ‐Zero dark.
But that's when Santa comes.
And then?
Zero dark thirty.
So, you'd hammer out the first two
in the first hour you're awakes?
‐Can confirm. ‐And then what?
Once an hour for the remaining 23 hours?
‐You bet. ‐Holds water.
‐Stay hydrated. ‐All that you wanna do
is you wanna set your alarm to wake you up
every hour on the hour.
And the program is, you wake up, hammer on it, sleep,
wake up, then you'd hammer on it, then you'd sleep.
And so on and so forth?
Well, some snackin' in there for sure.
Yeah, handful of trail mix.
You've hammered out your first two
at zero dark and zero dark thirty.
Could even back to back those fellas if you're
feeling good out of the gate. Then, it's sheets.
0100 hours, just up the road.
And stay hydrated, of course.
That's some snackin' in there for sure. Need some snacks.
You'd think you'd wanna do it standing up
so your muscles don't atrophy.
I think if anything, they'd hypertrophy.
‐I think so too. ‐Would you alternate hands?
Oh, you'd have to.
25 one‐arm squeezers
sounds like a lot of unnecessary strain on the heart.
Yeah, you'd definitely need a helping hand from the other guy.
And you'd stick with that program till the 31st?
Yup. Wake up. Hammer on it. Snack. Nap.
Wake up. I'd need to hammer on it. Snack and nap.
‐And so on and so forth? ‐Rinse and repeat.
Have you considered performance enhancers?
The fact you'd even present that
says a lot about ya, good buddy.
You could just as easily call it antisocial December.
‐Wayne? ‐Dary.
Could you make it to 31?
Oh, if I've executed Christmas, for a total of...
Ballpark 325 squeezers in 1 fiscal month...
You're a man on fire.
It's like I'm indestructible by both scientific
and pop‐culture standards.
Tank‐like momentum.
So?
Yeah.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Holy fuck.
Look at this coming.
Could you be any fuckin' louder, bud?
All singin', all dancin', bud.
Jaker!
Hey, put some fuckin' clothes on, cousin.
Not my forte, cousin.
There's that good old, warm Canadian welcome.
Well, every other country fuckin' hates ya
so we may as well give you some love, am I right?
That's what family's for.
Who called you, you old devil.
Need not call the devil, cousin. He'll come all on his own.
Those Westboro Baptists teach you that ones?
Squirrelly.
How'd you find your way up here
when you can't even point out the country on a map, big fella?
Big fella? I guess that's fair.
We still got trans‐fats stateside
but they banned 'em up here so, what's your excuse?
‐Maple syrups. ‐Huh.
‐Well, get up, Dary. ‐Wasn't gonna.
What, you scared I'll put you in the sharpshooter again?
That was the Boston Crab last time.
A Canadian correcting an American on wrestling moves.
What a time to be alive.
Sharpshooter is a Canadian move,
which I've since learned how to reverse.
Hey, you may farm cattle, Dary, but you're all chickenshit.
I'd have some balls taking one of yours
when Michigan's got the cheapest beer stateside.
What kind of watered down swill did you bring us this time?
Call this one sixteen bucks.
And I call this one 15.95.
That is absolute horse shit.
Call someone who cares, Dan.
But you better use my cell phone
since yous pay three times the price for that as well.
How many months have you been back from your first tour
‐Jaker? ‐Two.
Let me hear you count that high, Dary.
So, are you planning on going back then?
Fuck yeah. Get some.
Well, yanks love their country,
so, whatcha gonna say about yanks?
So, what brings you up north?
Well, what do you do when your cousint's down in a hole?
You get right down there with him.
‐Sorry, chief. ‐You can't win em all, chief.
Had your bachelor party all planned out and everything.
Well, I'm not usually one for that sort of pageantry, so.
But do you wanna know what?
Well, it depends if what's worth knowing.
The big plan for your bachelor party
is also the same plan that's gonna get you over the hump here
‐Really? ‐Why are you so squirrelly?
No.
They oughtta stop calling you squirrelly.
I think I know what's on deck here.
Five bucks says you do, shady Katy.
Yous are goin' off Broadway.
The ballet. The cabaret.
The showroom. The S‐club.
‐The juice bar. ‐The observatory.
The night shift.
Take a little trip to Euhornia.
Investigate area 69.
‐The dollar holler. ‐The snail tracker.
What the fuck are yous talking about?
Merry titsmas, cousint. We're going to the rippers.
‐The what? ‐The peelers.
‐Huh? ‐We're going to the strip club.
Hooray!
Now, I see why you were so fucking squirrelly.
We're gonna plunk you right up front in the meat seats.
Right up gyno‐row.
We'll be so close, you'll be able
‐to hear the ocean. ‐No.
I'mma take that nickname away from you
if I don't start seeing some squirrelly.
There's no way I can do that
and looks Professor Tricia in the eye.
We've come too far as a species
to take part in such primitive behaviors.
‐Hey, Dan. ‐Yeah.
‐What's better than a lecture? ‐What?
A leave.
Okay.
I'm gonna go eat your food.
Well, I really do appreciate it cousint,
but I think I'll take a pass.
Too late, good buddy.
Your best pal got at me to get this sorted
eight fiscal weeks ago.
‐Who me? ‐No.
‐Then who? ‐Wayne, how are you now?
‐McMurray, what? ‐That's right.
‐How are you... ‐How are you now?
‐Well, not bad. ‐How are you now?
‐Fine, I said how are you now. ‐Fine, count to three.
‐So, you know. ‐Stop talking.
‐I know. Three. ‐One, two, three.
‐And then, I stop talking. ‐That's when you fucking stop.
‐Told him to stop talking. ‐Don't you start talking now.
‐You're only making it worse. ‐(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
It's not gonna get any better unless you stop talking.
They've been here all night?
They keep drinking, I keep pouring.
Yeah!
But you can't legally serve booze
between the hours of 2am and 11am.
I don't give a shit.
Oh!
What's first, gents?
Bench press? Leg press? Military press?
‐Press pause. ‐You're done working out.
‐Why? ‐Need to be quick in a fight.
It's like being a hockey player. Bulk will only slow you down.
Explosive speed. Agility.
‐Excuse me? ‐What?
Our job was to get him muscle.
Your job is to teach him how to use it.
‐Sit down. ‐We will
absolutely not sit down.
‐Sit down. ‐As you wish.
Why the precipitous modification of course?
I got jacked so I could fight.
‐And win. ‐I'm packin'.
I'll say.
‐Mmm. ‐Mmm‐hmm.
‐So, what's the problem? ‐You can't take a punch.
‐Yes, I can. ‐No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
‐Roald. ‐Roald!
‐Dude. ‐Good. Come.
Sit.
‐Roald? ‐Stewart.
Roald's on our team for this one.
Can we be on Stewart's team?
We'll be on Stewart's team.
What are we even doing here?
‐Cousint? ‐Cousint.
All know, I generally pass on this sort of pageantry.
Give him a kick in the bum, cousint.
Suck it up, buttercup.
I'm going to the outlet malls.
I'll be back to pick yous up in a couple hours.
If you yanks have one thing sorted, it's your shopping.
Adios.
Why'd we have to come stateside for this?
Everyone knows the best rippers are stateside.
Especially my buddy, Dierks.
‐Dierks? ‐Yeah. Like Dierks Bentley.
Dierks. That man is a legend.
‐You know him? ‐Of course, I do.
Who do you think helped me orchestrate
this for my best friend Wayne?
‐And he's a legend? ‐Of course, he is.
Why do you think they call him ol' long dick Dierks?
Dierks loves peelers and the peelers love Dierks.
‐Oh, is that what they do? ‐Course, they do.
Why do you think they call him ol' long dong Dierks?
How many guesses do I get?
Maybe yous should call me
ol' long dick Dary while we're in here.
Better clear it with ol' long dick Dierks first.
Gentlemen.
The ballet awaits.
Dierks.
Oh, hi, smooth cock, how are you?
Ol' long dick himself!
Booboo kitty fuck. Who's Daryl?
Him.
Well, what's left of him anyway.
Very cool. Very cool, very nice.
‐And Wayne? ‐Right here.
Yup. This is Wayne.
My best friend, Wayne.
Heard a lot about you, hot beef.
‐K. ‐Look at you. Very stiff.
Very phallic, very phallic, Very fresh.
Some quick math. One, two.
Three, four.
My treat. Ladies, please.
Easy now, Dierksy.
‐Thank you. ‐Thank you.
But no thank you.
Respectfully.
Very respectful. Very respectful.
Very smooth. But it's okay, big dad. They love it.
No thank you. Respectfully.
Very certain. Very certain.
Very stoic. Your call, sweet and sexy.
Let's have a drink, cousint.
‐Baby steps. ‐Your terms are acceptable.
Thank you very much, ladies.
It's not you.
Cheers.
To very hot guys.
Not your type? Very fair, cute guy.
Very fair, very focused.
Not my type either. I like a tomboy.
Tomboys are decisive. Very decisive, very deserving.
Very disciplined. You like a tomboy?
I'm hammered.
Would you look at that one over there?
She is something tiny.
Yeah, you should maybe have an eye.
When McMurray gets hammered, he starts saying stuff...
She's so tiny, you could just pick her up,
put her on top of you and then just jerk yourself of with her.
I'd have a piss.
Hey.
‐Hey. ‐Oh, Bonnie McMurray!
Yous are going hard.
We owe it to Ovi.
Ovi raised the bar for Cup celly's.
Ovi! Ovi! Ovi! Ovi!
Hey. Hey. You've been playing this song all day.
Let's switch it up.
First guy in the room picks the music, sniper.
Seniority rules, sniper.
Jock Jams for days.
Ovi! Ovi! Ovi!
‐Ovi! ‐Yeah. Okay. Jams.
You're only playing one.
We're number one! We're number one!
‐Okay, okay. ‐We're number one!
We're number one! We're number one!
Hey. Everyone in here is getting chapped ass.
How many cups have they won?
Talk to me when you've won a Cupski!
We're number one! We're number one!
‐How are you now? ‐Good and you?
‐Not so bad. ‐What are you doing?
Oh, I'd rather not say.
But I'm doing it haphazardly.
Haphazardly's a funny word.
Do you wanna know what else is a funny word?
‐What? ‐Tiramisu.
You in a mood to run the dogs?
Oh, I'm always in a mood to run the dogs.
‐Pitter patter. ‐I can't though. Currently.
‐Rain check? ‐I should say.
I got a Monopoly board and all the properties
are places from Letterkenny.
‐Oh yeah, which one's Boardwalk? ‐MoDean's.
MoDean's one, two or three?
You'll have to come by to find out.
‐Soon? ‐Sooner than later.
Bring Stormy.
If you don't I'll point you back where you came from.
‐Good enough. ‐Talk to ya.
Yup we'll talk to ya.
‐Hola. ‐Hola.
‐Where are yous from? ‐Vene‐thwela.
‐And you? ‐Vene‐fwela.
‐And you? ‐Vene‐huela.
Is that right? Say one more time.
‐Vene‐thwela. ‐Okay.
‐Vene‐fwela. ‐Okay.
‐Vene‐huela. ‐Oh, fuck, there you go.
The line to the ladies was too long.
‐Okay. ‐You're ol' long dick's buddy
I'm his acquaintance.
We had your bachelor party all lined up a couple months back.
Dierks canceled last minute.
‐Way she goes. ‐Well, no ring, I see.
‐Can't win 'em all. ‐I'll do the math.
Everyone's always fuckin' someone else.
Well, not everyone.
Got any reason to believe otherwise?
You're a good old boy then.
Dying breed.
Get real. Everybody's always fuckin' someone else.
Getting back out there?
Oh, I don't think I...
Have any other option.
Excuse me.
Alejandro. Alijandro. Allesandro.
‐Vene‐thwela. ‐Vene‐thwela.
Vene‐thwela.
Why is Roald on your team?
Can't be on the same team if you're gonna fight.
‐We're gonna fight? ‐Stewart?
‐I refuse. ‐Then you fight me.
‐You? ‐Or me.
‐No. ‐Good. Roald, then.
‐Roald is my best friend. ‐Stewart.
Uh, whatever happened to personal besties?
Put it on a t‐shirt!
I will not strike him.
‐Don't have to. ‐(SCOFFS)
Just. (SCOFFS)
What in the fuck is transpiring here?
You can't get hit. So, you're gonna dodge.
Let your opponent tire himself out.
When he opens up, bam!
‐Finish it, got it? ‐Got it.
‐Good. ‐Go.
ROALD: No. ALL: Yes.
‐No. ‐You want to see him
get knocked the fuck out in the city?
‐No. ‐You want to see him layin'
stiff as a board on the dance floor? Snoring?
No.
Then help your friend!
Roald.
‐Help me. ‐(SQUEALS)
I'll love you till my dying breath!
(GRUNTS)
How the fuck did you do that?
Dance Dance Revolution.
Well he's tired, finish him.
I will not strike my best friend.
Stewart.
But I will finish it.
‐Somebody count it. ‐Is he ready?
You two will be there, right?
‐There another hundo in it? ‐Yeah.
‐Still. ‐Many ribs as you can hoover.
So? Is he ready?
(BOTH) Sure.
STEWART: Can someone count it out?
Since I first pinned him,
Roald has...
Enhanced.
You want to do what to me?
First of at least a few, boys.
No sex in the champagne room, tight pants, busy hands.
Where's fuckin' Dary?
I haven't seen him since that gal
with the pole moves got off stage.
Hey, who wants a shotski?
Hey, please and thank you, cousint.
I wish you'd enjoy the bounty, tall and regal.
Wish you weren't so fuckin' awkward, bud.
‐What's that? ‐Nothing.
‐You want? ‐No, thank you.
‐Respectfully. ‐Thank you, Tyla.
Very cool, very cool. Very nice, smooth.
So?
What was her steez?
Who?
Your runaway bride. Tits?
Oh, I know a tit man when I see one.
Like the tits. Like the ass, too.
I like what's up top most, you know what I mean?
‐The eyes? ‐Grey matter, baby boo.
I tell you, I like a tomboy?
You did.
Tomboy knows what she wants.
No one knows what they want anymore.
But you know a thing or two about that,
don't you, cute butt?
Yup.
Everyone's always fuckin' somebody else.
How you like ol' long dick, cousint?
Fuckin' legend, amirite?
Bottoms up.
If you're not gonna titty taste nectar,
at least we're gonna get you Liberace lubricated.
Wayne?
‐Dary? ‐I'm in love.
With a stripper.
‐Wayne? ‐McMurray.
It's the stripper.
She's in love with me.
Fuckin' cool, very cool. Very nice.
Easy Bono.
Don't poke the bear.
They've been drinking for a c‐hair short of 24 hours.
I think we're good.
(SNORING)
Reilly and Jones?
‐He's Reilly. ‐He's Jonesy.
You've been selected as BROdude brand ambassadors.
Congratulations.
Are you seri‐dog?
(SIGHS)
She's seri‐dog.
Photo.
Sick, buddy.
You guys sponsor the senior hockey tournament, right?
The National Senior Hockey Championship?
Yes.
I can't believe you guys thought of us.
‐I didn't. ‐Oh.
For the record, no part of this,
not a shard of it, not a ribbon of it, not a suggestion of it
‐was my idea. ‐Oh.
Also, for the record, every fiber of my being,
internal and external feels
this is a horrifying waste
of time, money, resources and materials.
And materials?
I believe, the hats you're wearing
belong on the heads of legitimate athletes.
Professionals not washed up, never have beens
taking a victory lap through whale shit.
‐Gutty. ‐Well, whose idea was it then?
‐Kids. ‐Kids?
Juveniles, sprouts, squirts, non‐voters.
You know, the kids saw you on TSN with
all your chirp‐snipe‐celly and this is
relatable to them, apparently.
It's actually wheel‐snipe‐celly.
Not anymore.
The term "wheel" has sexual connotations.
And may not and must not be used by either one of you
while wearing the BROdude logo, got it?
‐Got it. ‐Good.
You know, the one win I've had in this process
is getting the brass to agree to test you two on a trial basis
before taking it to the media.
Your task is to head up
a regional initiative branding project.
Basically, because you're basics...
Start a club. Right here in Lettercunty.
‐Actually, it's pronounced... ‐I know how it's pronounced.
See how many people you can get on board with the BROdude brand
locally and we'll go from there. Okay?
‐Sick. ‐Sweet.
How's the photo?
Oh my God.
Has anyone ever told you two
that you're unintentionally hilarious?
Because this is the lolziest.
Look at you.
You look like you're fighting a second to second battle
to keep your eyes from crossing. And you,
when you smile it looks like you're saying the word "her"
with a dozen "Rs" at the end of it.
Like, "herrrrrr."
Try it with me. Both of you.
(TOGETHER) "Herrrrrr."
It's an appropriate look.
Can you work your magic or should we try again?
No,
never mind, I don't care.
'Cause this will never go the distance.
You have your task, start a club.
"Herrrrrr."
W.
They don't ask how, they ask how many.
Who changed the fuckin' tuneskis!
Jock jams for daysss!
Ovi! Ovi! Ovi! Ovi!
Perv row power naps.
Very cool. Very cool, very critical. Very clutch.
How's the talent up north, big boy?
I gotta get me a Canadian girl.
Do they go? Hook me up.
Why would I do that?
'Cause I'm your buddy Dierks.
‐No, you're not. ‐Okay.
I'm your pal, Dierks.
I don't like you, dude.
You fuckin' with me?
I've met a million guys like you
and you're the worst of 'em all.
Perhaps a little big?
I'm never gonna fuckin' see you again,
so let me leave you with this,
clean it up and keep it tidy,
'Cause you're a fuckin' mess.